0:00

We're going on tour and this

0:02

is... It's been a while. March

0:04

2025 is when our tour is

0:06

happening. First of all, we're going

0:09

to Tempe, Arizona. Maybe our favorite

0:11

city of all time. It's the

0:13

best. That is on March 16th

0:15

and then we go to Albuquerque,

0:18

New Mexico. Maybe our favorite city

0:20

ever. Truly, we often say that

0:22

it's our number one. Yeah, it's

0:25

our number one. The best city

0:27

I've ever been to. That's on

0:29

March 18th. On March 19th, we're

0:31

going to be in Tulsa, Oklahoma.

0:33

Our favorite city. Without question.

0:35

And then we head to Dallas, Texas

0:38

on March 20th. Our favorite city. There's

0:40

never been a better city. No, we're

0:42

better. If you don't like it, you're

0:44

a Dallas asshole. Thank you. And then

0:47

we go to Houston, Texas on March

0:49

23rd. by far the best city and

0:51

then we end our tour in Austin,

0:53

Texas on March 22nd at the Cap

0:56

City Comedy Club. It's the

0:58

best city. In the entire

1:00

world. Number one city in

1:02

the world. You can get

1:04

tickets at dollar podcast.com/ tour. Hi

1:12

everybody, welcome to the Pastimes podcast.

1:14

Each week we go through an

1:16

old newspaper from a random date

1:18

and history picked out by Dave

1:20

Anthony. I'm Garrett Reynolds and I've

1:22

never seen it before and neither

1:25

is our guest this week. The

1:27

great, Matt Lieb. Hello Matt, thank

1:29

you for joining us. I'm so

1:31

excited to be here. You mean

1:33

that? Well, yeah. I think for

1:35

a second. I usually say it,

1:37

but you know, and I'd never

1:39

really... Look to see if I

1:41

actually am. I am, I'm stoked. It's

1:44

something to do today. Mm-hmm. Yeah, it is

1:46

something. Because you have a show tonight,

1:48

but you have the comedian problem of

1:50

just, there's a whole time. Whole day.

1:52

Daytime is a tough time for the

1:54

comedian. Yeah. It's like, we keep vampire

1:56

hours. Yeah. And the wife is at

1:58

home with the kids. to hear about

2:00

how you're not there for the

2:03

tough things that are happening. Yeah,

2:05

she's texting me about how my

2:08

child is growing up so fast.

2:10

And I'm like, good, I hope

2:12

she is 18 by the time

2:15

I'm back and has her own

2:17

apartment. I'll make another one, yeah.

2:19

They don't get their own apartment

2:22

anymore at 18. That's 27. Matt,

2:24

we just did an episode. Well,

2:26

first of all, Matt, what can

2:29

we promote of yours? You have,

2:31

you were bragging a lot before

2:33

we started about how many podcasts.

2:36

I have a lot of podcasts.

2:38

Joe Rogan experience. No, no, Matt,

2:40

your, your, your, not the, your

2:43

podcast. Oh, I was going to

2:45

say, I have a lot that

2:47

in the rotation, the daily, with

2:50

my, no, no, let's just stick

2:52

to the ones that you, those

2:55

are great ones, but let's just

2:57

stick to the ones that you,

2:59

those are great ones, but let's

3:02

just stick to the ones you

3:04

host, yeah, the ones that you

3:06

benefit, so I do a podcast.

3:09

called the Joe Rogan Experience. No,

3:11

no, Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt,

3:13

the pot, the, because I don't

3:16

think you do, I think that's

3:18

Joe's show. So what are, what

3:20

are the shows that you, yourself,

3:23

are on Mike? I'm kind of

3:25

on it. We're hanging out together.

3:27

So Joe Rogan. That's called, that's,

3:30

you're having a parasocial relationship with

3:32

Rogan. Right. I know everything he's

3:34

thinking because he says it's thinking

3:37

he's thinking he's thinking he's thinking,

3:39

Subterms that I think could be

3:41

helpful for you to get out,

3:44

but but let's do that after

3:46

what are the shows that You

3:49

know you do ads for your

3:51

your podcast. So the ones where

3:53

you do ads. Oh Okay, okay.

3:56

Um, so I do a podcast

3:58

It's really funny to say Joe

4:00

Rogan again, by the way. I

4:03

can tell your way whether or

4:05

not to do it. And I

4:07

think doing it was right, to

4:10

be honest. I don't want to

4:12

be judged. Okay, so I have

4:14

a few. One is called Bad

4:17

Has Bar, the world's most moral

4:19

podcast. a podcast where me and

4:21

my co-host Daniel Matte, two Jewish

4:24

anti-Zionists, talk about funny Israeli propaganda.

4:26

And my funny, I mean, horrifying.

4:28

What's that? So you, so you're

4:31

not. I'm not a Zionist, so

4:33

therefore I'm not Jewish, yes. Well,

4:35

you know, I'm a Zionist on

4:38

the wrong side. You know, and

4:40

my other podcast is. the wonderful

4:43

rewatch madman rewatch podcast called pot

4:45

yourself a gun it's a soprano's

4:47

rewatch podcast and then it became

4:50

of the wire rewatch podcast and

4:52

now it's madman and we just

4:54

had Dave's dad here Gareth Reynolds

4:57

on the season one finale of

4:59

and I'll tell you the best

5:01

intro song to a podcast possible.

5:04

Yeah, it's truly, yeah, if you,

5:06

it's, it's, it's, it's worth listening.

5:08

It is. It's hard to pivot

5:11

when you turn a soprano show

5:13

into a show for other shows,

5:15

but you've really found a way

5:18

to make it seamless with the

5:20

interest. I would encourage everyone to

5:22

listen to that. And then what's

5:25

your third podcast? It's a movie

5:27

watch podcast. Yes, so then the

5:30

other podcast I do with Emily

5:32

Fleming and Jordan Morris. It is

5:34

called Free With Ads and that's

5:37

a podcast where we talk about

5:39

free movies that we saw. on

5:41

the internet. And so, you know,

5:44

that's, that's all, those are all

5:46

my jobs. I have so many

5:48

jobs. So you're, you're, so you're

5:51

in a financial panic because you

5:53

have a kid and you just

5:55

keep starting podcasts? Yeah, if you

5:58

start enough of them, it's like,

6:00

it's like lotto scratchers. One of

6:02

them will eventually be the Joe

6:05

Rogan experience. Now, careful, careful, careful,

6:07

we're doing it again, so be

6:09

careful. Well, I don't want us

6:12

to stick- Now Matt, real quick,

6:14

we just had your lovely wife

6:16

on an episode. Nope, and, uh,

6:19

nope, and, uh, we, uh, we

6:21

decided to wed, uh, try to,

6:24

uh, newly wed game, uh, her

6:26

and you a little bit, so,

6:28

oh, I love it. Uh, now,

6:31

if we were to ask her

6:33

what your favorite movie is, what

6:35

would, what, what would, what would

6:38

you say? is your favorite movie

6:40

and we'll tell you if she

6:42

got it right or not. The

6:45

Aviator, Martin Scorsese, is movie about

6:47

Howard Hughes, The Aviator. Now, she

6:49

did not say that. No. What

6:52

would she say my favorite movie

6:54

is? Oh, what would she say?

6:56

She'd say like, I don't know,

6:59

she'd be like, the godfather or

7:01

something stupid. That's exactly what she

7:03

said. She said it would be

7:06

Scorsazi. And then she couldn't really

7:08

pin it down so she said

7:10

the godfather one or two. It's

7:13

very to quote she said some

7:15

scorsazy bullshit. Yes, that's what she

7:18

said. Okay and then we asked

7:20

her what your last meal would

7:22

be in the way that we

7:25

were thinking death row meal. But

7:27

she took it as the last

7:29

thing you'd eaten. So that's your

7:32

setup. Okay. She would assume that

7:34

the last thing I had eaten

7:36

was, um, pizza hamburger, you know,

7:39

or like, you know, you know,

7:41

knock Joe, ramen soup. She, pretty

7:43

good. She said it would be

7:46

tacos and jalapenio poppers for Jack.

7:48

Oh, that's. Now, now, her, her,

7:50

her favorite movie, what, what would

7:53

you say is her favorite movie?

7:55

Oh, some, some Spanish language bullshit.

7:57

No, maybe, maybe it is. What

8:00

is her favorite movie? Oh, this

8:02

is not good. This is this

8:05

is classic. She did great. She

8:07

doesn't she doesn't like movies is

8:09

the thing. Her favorite movie is

8:12

it is it is it that

8:14

the one God, what is it?

8:16

It's like an Asian one. It's

8:19

it's about like Chinese spies. Do

8:21

you want it? You're very close.

8:23

Do you want me to tell

8:26

you? It's called like wake wake.

8:28

Oh, wake. The week. What the

8:30

fuck is it called? Yeah. Wake.

8:33

You're right there. The Breakfast Club.

8:35

Yeah, it's the refsicle. You're right

8:37

there. That was my next, I

8:40

was giving me my next guest

8:42

breakfast. Breakfast. Which led us to

8:44

ask her what she has for

8:47

breakfast. That was our question to

8:49

her. Uh, she has, um, whatever

8:51

Korean is eating for breakfast, maybe,

8:54

uh, you know, uh, she, she

8:56

likes eggs, so she'll have an

8:59

eggy. She has, she has yogurt

9:01

sometimes, uh, for Brecki, oh God.

9:03

First of all, I love my

9:06

wife. My wife. And, uh, this

9:08

is, what, what, what, what did

9:10

she just have for breakfast? Is

9:13

that the question? You were to

9:15

say her, yeah, go ahead, yeah.

9:17

Yeah. Oh man, what does she

9:20

call it? She calls it brachy.

9:22

She had a, she makes a

9:24

smoothie and would you like to

9:27

guess what she calls her smoothie?

9:29

Poonee. That's right Pune. Okay, camera

9:31

off. By the way, I think

9:34

you are on the Joe Rogan

9:36

experience. You did great. I'm sweating

9:38

right now. Okay, you're up. That's

9:41

a good thing. Your mic's in

9:43

a nice bucket. You might need

9:45

to cool that down. Yeah, let's

9:48

start recording. Hold you. All right,

9:50

let's start the show. One, two,

9:53

two, action. Okay, Matt, we're going

9:55

to do a podcast now. This

9:57

whole thing has been the, yeah,

10:00

yeah. And if you're lucky, you

10:02

could be a part of this

10:04

one forever too. So I know

10:07

you wanted to add a fourth.

10:09

Okay. Dave has a paper. What

10:11

year do you think it's from?

10:14

Matt, you get first crack.

10:16

It could be any year. That's

10:18

true. Okay, so it has to

10:20

be after a point in which

10:22

there is the printing press. Correct.

10:24

I'm gonna say it's from 19.

10:27

Nice. This is good. 92. That

10:30

is wild. That's a

10:32

wild guess, bro. I

10:34

just kind of went

10:36

for it. That's a

10:38

wild guess. Because like

10:40

it's probably from like

10:43

1915, but you know,

10:45

because those are. That's

10:47

a better guess, but it

10:49

could happen. I'm gonna go

10:51

with. 1899. Not so

10:53

close. It is 1891. I almost

10:56

got it. You almost did. You

10:58

were one year off. So close.

11:00

So close. So close. Yeah, super

11:02

close. Gareth was like close.

11:05

Why even know what he was

11:07

saying. Super close. I can hear

11:09

you. Can you guys hear me? My

11:11

parents go. This is worse. Do

11:13

you ever do that when you

11:16

were a kid? Tell your friends?

11:18

You'd like pretend they were gone.

11:20

You'd be like, where's Jamie? And

11:22

they'd be like, I got this

11:25

little bastard. Yeah, that's really, that's

11:27

true. Did you ever kill

11:29

your friend? Go ahead Dave.

11:31

I never did any of

11:33

this. Oh, go ahead Dave.

11:35

This is March 12th, 1891.

11:37

The Weiser, or Weiser, it's

11:39

probably Weiser. Idaho, semi-weekly, semi-weekly

11:42

signal. Cool title

11:44

me weekly Okay, that's not

11:46

a look not a daily No, it's

11:48

not a daily. They're just

11:50

like times, but also not

11:52

But are we sure it's coming

11:54

out every week? Sometimes

11:56

it's not the same as bi-weekly

11:59

could be like twice a week

12:01

or every other week. But semi

12:03

weekly feels like how you like

12:06

define a relationship with someone you

12:08

won't commit to like I see

12:10

your semi weekly. Semi weekly is

12:13

like how I describe when people

12:15

are going to get bonus patron

12:17

episodes. You know it's just like

12:20

that's what I mean. It's like

12:22

sometimes. Yeah. Sometimes it's worth it

12:24

because sometimes we do. Trust the

12:26

process. Trust the process. Yeah. Give

12:29

me the money first. Yeah, keep

12:31

in the money and then you

12:33

get your stuff. Yeah, exactly. Leave

12:36

the money in a bag, then

12:38

I'll riff on a movie for

12:40

you. Exactly. Are you crazy? You

12:43

get full, first for, pay me

12:45

full damn. Have you guys seen

12:47

Boy Diamond? No, but that got

12:50

really racist. No, no, that is

12:52

an impression of Leonardo DiCaprio doing

12:54

a South African. You got to

12:57

start with that before you launch

12:59

in for, but next time you

13:01

do it. The set up's huge

13:04

for that one. The set up,

13:06

the context is big for that

13:08

impression. Well, listen, I kind of

13:11

just naturally assume everyone's seen blood

13:13

dying. I think that's where you're

13:15

at. Well, yeah, there's your problem.

13:17

There's your problem. It was a

13:20

fan, it had Jennifer Connolly in

13:22

it and Leonardo DiCaprio. You backtracking

13:24

in a great way. Are you

13:27

Chris? You get full pay me

13:29

for his phone damn. Okay, but

13:31

you sound like you're doing a

13:34

really bad agent. He's he's doing

13:36

a Accent to commander zero Who

13:38

is an African and he's a

13:41

white South African. Yeah, so he's

13:43

kind of it's actually him being

13:45

racist Okay, are you guys listening?

13:48

I am dying to At least

13:50

them going me going to pay

13:52

me, huh? You gotta see it.

13:55

I really do think we gotta

13:57

see it. I have not seen

13:59

it. is not one looking at

14:02

the camera anymore no one's looking

14:04

at me everyone's well we're trying

14:06

to I'm trying to find it

14:09

trying to find this the scene

14:11

with commander zero look it up

14:13

try to find some of it

14:15

because I really want to hear

14:18

I just fast forward a little

14:20

bit is that the scene yeah

14:22

keep fast-forwarding I'll tell you when

14:25

you're in the right area oh

14:27

you're idiot crazy you did this

14:29

I'll just do it for you

14:32

No, no, no. You get something

14:34

for me? You yourself get something

14:36

for me, huh? You bring the

14:39

plane comforts. Are you crazy? You

14:41

get for pay me first for

14:43

them? See? That was no lie.

14:46

I really got to say, if

14:48

someone was like, hey, do you

14:50

want to take this role? I'd

14:53

be like, no, no, I don't

14:55

think so. It's it's a here's

14:57

the accent is hilariously horrible. Yeah,

15:00

still the funniest part remains Matt

15:02

leaping in being like, and then

15:04

the boys will know the blood

15:06

diamond reference. No, because we all

15:09

have seen it a bunch and

15:11

know that scene from that movie.

15:13

You know, Commander Zero scene. I

15:16

feel like like 50% of Matt's

15:18

life is him stopping and going.

15:20

Have you guys not seen Blood

15:23

Zero? But just every person is

15:25

around. Yeah. I've turned in my

15:27

dad. Yeah. But I've seen it?

15:30

Dad. I'm my fucking dad now,

15:32

just going around, going, did you

15:34

ever flashy thing, me? Men on

15:37

black! I literally think I pulled

15:39

something. You did. For black thing

15:41

at the flashy thingy thingy from

15:44

men and black. All right, Dave,

15:46

here we go. All right, here

15:48

we go. This is like near

15:51

Boise. Sure, I live there for

15:53

you. The cars killed three and

15:55

so this is just a list

15:57

of stuff. It's it's one of

16:00

those. A lit. It's not a

16:02

story, it's just, there's just a

16:04

bunch of little tiny. Yeah, exactly.

16:07

Listical. It's like Instagram. The cars

16:09

killed three head of horses Tuesday

16:11

above town. Two of them belonged

16:14

to Ed Barton. Can you say

16:16

that? The cars killed three horses.

16:18

Three horses. The cars were here.

16:21

Read it slower. Can you read

16:23

the cars? The cars? Okay. Oh,

16:25

my wrong? Yeah, the bad. The

16:28

car. Yeah, okay. People don't know

16:30

that. Whenever the cars were touring,

16:32

they would just kill horses. Oh,

16:35

yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Well, how

16:37

confusing if their like bus got

16:39

into an accident with a bunch

16:42

of cars? The cars hit a

16:44

lot of cars the other day

16:46

in what's being called, the total

16:48

car wreck. And the car's show

16:51

is postponed. The cars

16:53

killed three head of horses Tuesday

16:55

above town. Three head of horses.

16:57

That's right. Two of them belonged

16:59

to Ed Barton. So they just,

17:02

it's just killed horses. You don't

17:04

have to say head of horse.

17:06

It's the horse. Well, maybe it

17:08

just killed the head. Maybe the

17:10

rest of the horse is okay.

17:12

She'll still ride a little wheel

17:14

up top on her. Yeah, you're

17:16

gonna have to basically move her

17:18

neck to whether she goes left

17:20

or right or up and down.

17:23

The neck is not steering apparatus.

17:25

She's still crap and you can

17:27

still spur her. You're gonna have

17:29

to get some friends to move

17:31

the legs too. But I feel

17:33

like I should just replace it.

17:35

No, no. She'll ride for a

17:37

little while longer. She's going on

17:39

a mechanic. She's going to go

17:41

to a horse guy. What you

17:44

gotta do put a goathead on

17:46

the body, it'll look funny, but

17:48

it'll play, it'll play, it'll play,

17:50

it'll play. Angelite, all your trash

17:52

when you're done. It's your trash,

17:54

you don't poop. This'll be fine,

17:56

Ed, don't worry, Mr. Barton, we

17:58

got you. Four dice

18:01

a sheep buyer and Ormsby,

18:03

another sheep buyer, are in

18:05

the county buying mutton on

18:07

foot for the summer's drive.

18:09

It's weird, this listicle, I'm

18:11

spacing out a little bit

18:13

while you're talking because it

18:15

just sounds like, you guys

18:17

ever listen to Prairie Home

18:19

companion? I know what you're

18:21

talking about. You know, like

18:23

that guy, Garrison Keeler, you

18:25

would just start talking about

18:27

stuff. And I was just

18:29

like, shut up. Yeah, you

18:31

had to pretend to get

18:33

it. Yeah, yeah, can you

18:35

read? Can you read that

18:37

again? I definitely think it

18:39

deserves a reread. Fordice, a

18:41

sheep buyer, and Ormsby, another

18:43

sheep buyer, are in the

18:45

county buying mutton on foot

18:47

for the summer's drive. Okay,

18:49

so they're they're sheep buyers

18:51

and they're buying lamb Probably

18:53

jerky lamb or I mean

18:55

it's hard to keep so

18:57

maybe are they buying it

18:59

for themselves to eat because

19:01

they're yes Okay, I think

19:03

they're buying it for themselves

19:05

because they're mutton is meat

19:07

from sheep. Yes, so it's

19:09

from sheep. Yeah, and they're

19:11

buying with them they could

19:13

yeah, they could just kill

19:15

and eat it eat a

19:17

sheep Maybe they're just showing

19:19

the sheep what could happen

19:21

if they don't behave. Yeah,

19:23

I still think a killing

19:25

in front of them would

19:27

be better, but potentially. It's

19:29

strange to be like, knee-deep

19:31

in sheep, and then be

19:33

like, you know it hit

19:35

the spot for the drive,

19:37

a little bit of sheep.

19:39

Why do you think it

19:41

became a shepherd? I just

19:43

love sheep. I'm so attached

19:45

to my flock, though. No,

19:47

they're friends, not food, but

19:49

I do eat their cousins.

19:51

But I will buy it.

19:53

I will buy it. Okay.

19:55

All right, Mr. Johnson the

19:57

mill right of the wezer

19:59

role mills, roller mills, has got

20:01

up to Boise with a quantity of

20:04

flour, which he will introduce to

20:06

the people of that place. They

20:08

don't have flour? One trial

20:10

we think will be sufficient to

20:12

prove it's worth to them. Wow.

20:14

So this is like, I mean, it's like,

20:16

it's like cocaine. It's like fire.

20:18

You see the drug deal on

20:21

a movie and they're like, cut

20:23

it, let me taste it. Yeah,

20:25

that's good. This article is just

20:27

snitching. Like is this, like

20:29

this is just looking out

20:31

and going here's what's

20:33

going on in town. You

20:35

know what I mean? Yeah, it

20:38

is a bit, it's a

20:40

bit gossiped. Yeah. But I

20:42

do like the idea of

20:44

coming to town with flour

20:46

for the first time and

20:48

people being like, I don't

20:50

know, isn't that that big

20:53

city powder? I don't know.

20:55

That's impossible. That's that stuff

20:58

Diana's boy got hooked

21:00

on and now he

21:02

doesn't come home anymore.

21:04

Because he's so big. He's so

21:06

big. And she's petting

21:08

a goat-headed horse. Quiet

21:10

Sebastian. Quiet, quiet, quiet.

21:12

You know, he started

21:14

to be able to

21:16

say kill me, but I won't.

21:18

Kill, kill me! It's not a

21:20

life. By the way, that's from

21:23

Blood Diamond. Oh, I love that

21:25

movie. Yeah, it's great. That's a

21:27

great movie. Have you seen? So,

21:29

have you heard the, he, he

21:31

doesn't, like I thought when I

21:33

first saw him, I was like,

21:35

that guy's from South Africa, but

21:37

no, you know, it is awesome

21:39

when an actor misses on an

21:41

accent and has to do it

21:43

for the whole, it's awesome. Yeah,

21:45

like Brad Pitt being like in

21:47

The Devils, whatever, whatever the fuck

21:49

it's called. Oh my. But that

21:51

like when you're a big star

21:53

like that like the director's like that's great

21:55

Are you done on your? Where are you

21:58

in the prep? You are done. Yeah I

22:00

thought you were done. It's awesome.

22:02

It's really good. That's great. Just

22:04

say action. I'm just going to

22:06

wing it. Oh, it's me. I'm

22:08

here in old New York town.

22:11

And I'm going to fall in

22:13

love with Leonard Caprio. All right,

22:15

cut. Hey, I can't cut her.

22:17

Bring the dialect coach over here.

22:19

I'm going to stab him. Mr.

22:22

Editor, I will take the liberty

22:24

of giving you a few topics

22:26

of the week. Wow, this is

22:28

just a guy writing in with

22:30

the news. He's like, all right,

22:33

and then it made it. I'm

22:35

gonna help out the paper. And

22:37

the editor was like, cool, we

22:39

need this. Well, yeah, content. Well,

22:42

they're all about content. Yeah, right,

22:44

yeah. Oliver, right, died of consumption.

22:46

been going fast for the day,

22:48

the past day, a few days.

22:50

So I'll read that again. The

22:53

snow has been going fast for

22:55

the past few days and horsemen

22:57

will soon be able to turn

22:59

their stock on the hills, some

23:01

even having already turned out. Good.

23:04

Yeah. Good. I'm glad to know.

23:06

I'm glad to know that's closed.

23:08

We closed that loop. I was

23:10

worried for a second. Oh yeah,

23:12

freaking. Wouldn't be able to do

23:15

that thing you said. Yeah no

23:17

the full the end of that

23:19

is exactly what I wanted to

23:21

hear because before that seemed pretty

23:23

problematic but that's what are those

23:26

horsemen gonna do because the snow

23:28

is going so fast yeah yeah

23:30

yeah it's super super quick don't

23:32

go that fast snow slow down

23:34

unless we want it to or

23:37

whatever's good for the horsemen yeah

23:39

no but if it's we don't

23:41

want it to yeah no you

23:43

think this how people read papers

23:45

back then they just went uh-huh

23:48

Yeah, I know what that means.

23:50

Well, I fathomed that language properly.

23:52

There's more. There's more to this.

23:54

James Morrison of Council has driven

23:56

his band of horses to George

23:59

Patterson's to feed. Band of horses.

24:01

Good. Another good band. That guy

24:03

took us to a neighbor's house

24:05

to eat. Oh, that's a big

24:07

deal. That's what's going on. This

24:10

is a reader submitted headline? Yes,

24:12

if you can believe it. Yeah.

24:14

Well, they're not headlines. It's just

24:16

reader submitted information. Right, yeah, to

24:18

be fair. It's not it's not

24:21

like they said it was writer

24:23

submitted, you know, right? This is

24:25

just some guys I got pitches

24:27

This fence has a new post

24:29

I've been reading your news and

24:32

I think it's bad Butterfly scene.

24:34

Here's a little something for me.

24:36

Hey is plenty here and is

24:38

selling for five dollars a ton

24:40

bam bam that's news, that's actually

24:43

probably the most helpful part Yeah,

24:45

because that back then you're like

24:47

that's huge you're like that's huge

24:49

The dance given by the farmers

24:51

alliance in this valley was well

24:54

attended and was the success Says

24:56

the guy who threw the fucking

24:58

dance yeah a thousand dollars Yeah,

25:00

my event my birthday party was

25:02

super well attended in every one

25:05

was there It was there. It

25:07

was awesome. The whole town was

25:09

there and we laughed in merriment.

25:11

It's still happening actually. Yeah, I'm

25:13

writing from the dance floor. I'm

25:16

having fun I got a blowjob.

25:18

All right. That's right. From another

25:20

fella. I got my dick sucked

25:22

in the barn by Ken. You

25:24

hear that, Georgia? Sex wife. Are

25:27

you listening, Georgia? We had a

25:29

party and I had the most

25:31

fun. Ken and I got hammered

25:33

on for a minute. Sorry to

25:35

be sucked. Get my birthday day.

25:38

Both of our penises went inside

25:40

of each other's penises. All right,

25:42

I have Randall, Randall, Randall, no,

25:44

no, I bought a right. Let

25:46

it. Let it go! Let it

25:49

go! Let it go! Let it,

25:51

come on! Oh, I hate my

25:53

ex-wife! I know, I know, but

25:55

I don't think you're getting her

25:57

the way you think. She reads

26:00

this paper. I know, but space-dog.

26:02

I know, I pay for the

26:04

subscription. But I say yes. Random,

26:06

random, random. Random, random. Random, random.

26:08

Space, I don't know if the...

26:11

Space doc, I don't know if

26:13

that's gonna make it's gonna make

26:15

it. It'll make her the most

26:17

mad, that's why I wrote it,

26:19

that's why I wrote it, that's

26:22

why I wrote it, that's why

26:24

I wrote it, that's why I

26:26

wrote it, that's why I wrote

26:28

it, that's why I wrote it,

26:30

that's why I wrote it, that's

26:33

why I wrote it, that's why

26:35

I wrote, that's why I wrote,

26:37

that's why I wrote, that's why

26:39

I wrote, that's why I wrote,

26:42

that's why I wrote, that's Yeah,

26:44

but I think what we're trying

26:46

to say is that there is

26:48

no space. There is no, no

26:50

one understands a space dock because

26:53

that's not something that we have

26:55

in the 1991. It's an idea

26:57

that I had. What if there

26:59

was a thing called space? This

27:01

is interesting. And then, okay. This

27:04

is how the telescope got invented.

27:06

I don't know. Also, and there's

27:08

an asterisk. How do you get

27:10

your dick out of another guy's

27:12

dick? Now, your honor, I'm stuck

27:15

in Kenny, but not my fault.

27:17

Yeah, it's a fairly brother's movie.

27:19

Stuck in Kenny. Okay, there's more.

27:21

The spring fights has begun and

27:23

one old mossback has a boy

27:26

age 17 who can whip any

27:28

old man in Washington County between

27:30

the ages of 60 and 90s.

27:32

It's like when Andy Kaufman would

27:34

like, Russell Women. I'll find anyone

27:37

between the ages of 60 and

27:39

90. In 1891, a 90-year-old man

27:41

is a corpse. Where do you

27:43

find 90? Let me stop at

27:45

90. Because at 91, they get

27:48

a second wind and they get

27:50

really strong. I won't find a

27:52

92-year-old. It becomes sad. I mean,

27:54

I, by the way, I'm putting

27:56

that offer out there. I will

27:59

fight any 90-year-old. I'm in. I

28:01

wanted, I'm gonna start a YouTube,

28:03

which is just me fighting 90-year-old

28:05

man. Yeah, I'm down. I'm just

28:07

beating. shit out of a dying

28:10

man. Got him, oh you're a

28:12

piece of crap. You're gassed at

28:14

the end. I mean he would

28:16

put up a hell he was

28:18

a lot tougher than he looked.

28:21

Yeah, it's actually really hot. It's

28:23

hard to just punch anything even

28:25

an object that doesn't move. So

28:27

I'm pretty winded right now. The

28:29

hardest part is feeling comfortable taking

28:32

his life. I'll put my fist

28:34

through any old man's chest. The

28:36

fight is really inside myself being

28:38

cool with what has been determined

28:40

as manslaughter. He has got three

28:43

dollars wagered on it, so come

28:45

forward old man and show your

28:47

colors. That is crazy. That is

28:49

crazy. This is a setup though.

28:51

It's gotta be. This person's got

28:54

like, there's a wringer in there.

28:56

He's like, I got three dollars

28:58

on it. Everyone's voting for him.

29:00

He's going to take a dive.

29:02

And he and a 90 year

29:05

old are going to split the

29:07

money. That's not a bad idea.

29:09

I have lots of good ideas.

29:11

But the 90 year old is

29:13

going to be like, I forgot

29:16

why we're here. Yeah. What is

29:18

this? The saddest thing about all

29:20

this is that in three weeks,

29:22

this is going to be a

29:24

new Matt podcast. Oh, I know.

29:27

Well, hurry up before Dana White

29:29

turns turns it into a like

29:31

a Turner broadcast event. If a

29:33

few lines if a few lines

29:35

find a place in the signal

29:38

I may come again soon Buck

29:40

a rue how many 91 year

29:42

olds were there That can have

29:44

been a lot, but he said

29:46

60. There's a rain. Yeah. There's

29:49

one guy. Yeah. He's talking about

29:51

one guy for sure and that's

29:53

a guy. He's gonna split the

29:55

money right I mean the crazy

29:57

thing is in there with it.

30:00

The crazy thing is that the

30:02

guy who signed The letter bucket

30:04

ruin you guys just ignored that.

30:06

No, that was a good pun.

30:08

I heard it and I went

30:11

oh, he's having fun Yeah, he's

30:13

having fun. I want to laugh

30:15

at it, but he did make

30:17

his career beating up old myth

30:19

Finding I feel like he's a

30:22

bad You don't know if he

30:24

wins. How embarrassing is that? Where

30:26

are you like, he was pretty

30:28

good. That guy hung in there.

30:30

I could see why he got

30:33

to be so old. You guys

30:35

are a fighter. You can see

30:37

why he survived for so long.

30:39

Honestly, I can see why that

30:42

guy just won't die. What are

30:44

you doing down there with your

30:46

arms? I, um, my sock, holiday

30:48

themed. I can't tell. If it's,

30:50

you know when the sock lines

30:53

aren't the right way up and

30:55

everything feels wrong? Uh-huh, uh-huh, the

30:57

sock line felt like it wasn't

30:59

right. But I'm determining that it

31:01

was right. Oh shit, it was

31:04

you who was wrong. I was

31:06

wrong. Now are you just, have

31:08

you just not been doing laundry?

31:10

I like to where the holiday

31:12

theme sucks deep into February. You

31:15

do. Yeah, and they don't wash

31:17

them. I don't wash him. I

31:19

don't wash him till Santa comes.

31:21

And he hasn't shown up. Which

31:23

comes. Like sex comes. Yeah, back,

31:26

yeah, what he said. Still a

31:28

little lost. You'll get it. Our

31:30

old friend, Jap Thomas, is still

31:32

on the matrimonial market. Jap says

31:34

he expects he will have to

31:37

stay there too, but he will

31:39

live in hopes. That's a pretty

31:41

sad little story there. Yeah, yeah,

31:43

not an unfuckable guy who believes

31:45

it won't happen It's like well.

31:48

It's his fourth broken off engagement

31:50

and time to hit the newspaper

31:52

Nothing's changed over here for old

31:54

Jeff. Same old guy. Look in

31:56

the bang, but nothing's happening. Well,

31:59

Jeff killed another one. I'm still

32:01

on the market. Well, another one.

32:03

No one fell down the stairs.

32:05

I just hate commitment. We received

32:07

a charming, delightful, and sole-inspiring communication

32:10

this week, which does not appear

32:12

for the sad, agonizing, and heart-rendering

32:14

reason that there was

32:16

no name attached, and we

32:19

had no way of telling who

32:21

it was from. What just happened?

32:23

Well, why don't we get to

32:25

what it is? Start from the

32:27

beginning. That is the beginning. Do

32:29

it again. Yeah, we received

32:32

a charming delightful

32:34

and soul-inspiring communication

32:36

This week which

32:39

does not appear

32:41

for the sad agonizing

32:43

and heart-rendering reason that

32:46

there was no name

32:49

attached and we had no

32:51

way of telling who it was from

32:53

now I would like to add that

32:55

the last thing the last thing i

32:57

read was signed a friend and the

32:59

other one was buck a root yeah

33:02

good point so so but this but

33:04

and this headline or whatever we call

33:06

it is really just we were gonna

33:08

print something pretty done yeah but they

33:10

didn't sign it yeah yeah okay

33:13

interesting we we will gladly publish

33:15

anything on public interest when we

33:17

know the name of the writer

33:19

we will not give your name

33:21

to the public but we must

33:24

have it ourselves does this need

33:26

to be done publicly in

33:28

the paper yeah I

33:30

mean I guess the

33:32

headline and for our

33:34

possibly be yeah what

33:36

is so the sun

33:38

the sun came up

33:40

today and it's looking

33:42

to go down this

33:44

evening like well who wrote

33:47

it who wrote it we

33:49

passed away Minnesota has taken a

33:51

step for reform in the jury

33:53

system by inserting a clause in

33:56

the Constitution, providing that in civil

33:58

cases the agreement of 10 out

34:00

of 12 jurors shall be

34:03

sufficient. Oh, that's sick. Oh,

34:05

so sick. I kind of

34:07

like that. Do you like

34:09

that? Yeah, for civil cases.

34:11

Yeah, for civil cases. For

34:13

civil cases, that makes sense

34:15

to me. Okay, not for

34:18

criminal cases. No, criminal cases,

34:20

you need to get all

34:22

12. But I like civil

34:24

cases where it's just like,

34:26

nah, the majority think you

34:28

owe the money. I agree.

34:30

You know, no money. You

34:33

know what I mean? It's

34:35

a great news story. I

34:37

learned a lot there. I

34:39

did too. But we're not

34:41

done. What you learning, I

34:43

learned through you on that

34:45

one, what I want. We're

34:48

still going, we're not done

34:50

with it. There's more story

34:52

on this. It's a good

34:54

thing that one's over. In

34:56

one respect, this step is

34:58

wise as it necessitates the

35:00

corruption of three jurors instead

35:03

of one to bring about

35:05

a disagreement. So they disagree

35:07

with you? Well, what do

35:09

they know? They're fucking dead.

35:11

Yeah. Yeah, they go. They're

35:13

all old and thin. Good

35:15

bye. Those idiots don't have

35:18

a single podcast. Well, yeah,

35:20

that's very true. How many

35:22

podcasts that whole jury? Oh,

35:24

none? None? Yeah. Oh, interesting.

35:26

Hmm. The mat finds you

35:28

not relevant. So bang my

35:30

gavel. My gavel is my

35:33

microphone. You can see the

35:35

art. And it's bad. It's

35:37

so terrible. It's you with

35:39

a gavel and you're like,

35:41

ah! They actually do it

35:43

and just too loud. Everyone

35:45

heard the ice bucket on

35:48

that one. I was going

35:50

to say it's when you

35:52

got a road set up,

35:54

you got to be careful

35:56

with your mic jokes. Yeah.

35:58

Yeah. It's the only mic

36:01

I have. Yeah. Oh. If

36:03

a clerk in a drugstore

36:05

puts up poison in place

36:07

of some simple specific... The

36:09

proprietor has to face the

36:11

music Wait, so if he

36:13

puts a poison up in

36:16

instead of the drug So

36:18

you can't serve poison? So

36:20

this is a different era.

36:22

He's saying if you serve

36:24

poison you you've got to

36:26

your phone. Yeah, you have

36:28

to face the It's a

36:31

crime you got to face

36:33

the music seems I'm glad

36:35

so this is when that

36:37

was decided, huh? Yeah, this

36:39

is seems seems fair to

36:41

an extent This is the

36:43

article made the poison, but

36:46

this is probably when the

36:48

pharmacist made the poison Right,

36:50

this is small pharma. Yeah,

36:52

yeah, small pharma and the

36:54

guy was Mr. Walgreen was

36:56

like well, I didn't put

36:58

the poison into the jar

37:01

Mr. Walgreens, what's your plan?

37:03

Well, you know, CVS, what

37:05

if it was shittier? Like,

37:07

we're out of everything. But

37:09

you're out of everything. But

37:11

you can steal a little.

37:13

But stealing is way easier.

37:16

Imagine a security guard who

37:18

refuses to enforce anything. Like

37:20

a guy walks out with

37:22

a bunch of mouth washing

37:24

his arms and just leaves.

37:26

That's my dream. Paul Walgreen,

37:28

come to bed, you old

37:31

dreamer? Someday. It's a store,

37:33

but everything is locked up,

37:35

but you can see the

37:37

stuff. You just can't get

37:39

it. There'll be a nice

37:41

checkouts, but one person working.

37:43

Paul, come to bed. I've

37:46

got so many ideas. Like,

37:48

we'll put all of the

37:50

food in areas where you

37:52

can get it, but the

37:54

deodorant is going to be

37:56

behind a glass wall. Would

37:58

you have pharmacy, Paul? No,

38:01

but I was expanding. We'll

38:03

serve Molano cookies, but there'll

38:05

also be a squirt gun

38:07

section for kids. Paul, what

38:09

are you talking about? Rabbit

38:11

paper and cars? Christmas lights

38:14

sometimes. And by God there'll

38:16

be a man serving ice

38:18

cream. Paul you've got too

38:20

far. And right there when

38:22

you're standing there getting the

38:24

ice cream there'll be a

38:26

little tiny tree of toe-dell

38:29

clips. And the same man

38:31

who does the photo will

38:33

work the ice cream. Paul!

38:35

He'll be able to give

38:37

you a snapple if you

38:39

want and cigarettes. You have

38:41

to close down the register

38:44

if someone wants something for

38:46

the bunions in back. If

38:48

someone needs batteries, the whole

38:50

system will collapse upon it.

38:52

And yes, sometimes the medicine

38:54

will be poison. That's fine.

38:56

They will pay. And I'll

38:59

have one in every city,

39:01

you'll see. You'll see. Like

39:03

a reverse golden ticket. One

39:05

lucky boy or girl? One

39:07

lucky boy won't go in.

39:09

That's my dream. Four go

39:11

into Walgreens, two come out.

39:14

And there won't be a

39:16

wall, and if there is,

39:18

it'll be white. Imagine

39:22

how aghast a court would be if it

39:24

were admitted that the clerk put up the

39:27

poison willfully and knowingly, but if he and

39:29

his employer were to ask that they might

39:31

go suit free because he had received instructions,

39:33

never to sell morphine for quinine. Or... Give

39:35

packets of strict nine to any children who

39:37

might call for it. Jesus Christ! Only adults

39:39

get strict nine! What? Having to make a

39:41

rule, that's like one of those rules where

39:43

you're like, why is it? No

39:45

strict nine to kids

39:47

no matter how they're

39:49

asking. I didn't think

39:51

I'd have to write

39:53

it down, but I'm

39:55

writing it down. Yeah,

39:57

like if you're in

39:59

a hotel and it's

40:02

like, no pool crappin',

40:04

no cannon balls. like,

40:06

wait, pool crappin'? Yeah.

40:08

Hi, Mr. Park, can

40:10

I have some strict

40:12

nine? Absolutely, my boy.

40:14

last time. Thank you.

40:16

Can I get a

40:18

stick? Yeah, absolutely, stick

40:20

nine, we call it.

40:22

Here you go, boy.

40:24

Stick nine. There

40:26

you go, eat that up now. Thank

40:28

God there's no rule against, oh my

40:30

God, I forgot the law change. Mr.

40:34

Park, my tummy and eyes

40:36

hurt. That's right. It's

40:38

coming out, all of it. Yeah, that's

40:40

right. You're a good boy. They're for

40:42

you whole. With that stick. Mr.

40:45

Park, I'm bleeding your...

40:47

Make a choice, die or

40:49

stop whining. I

40:51

said it, it's that, what's the

40:53

angle? That's the water coming out. I'm

40:55

gonna have to see some money

40:57

before I keep fillin' you with stuff,

40:59

honestly. This is getting a little...

41:01

Can I have also the Dr. Scholl's

41:03

Foot Absorption? This is a really

41:05

slow -movin' poison. Is he gonna die

41:07

or what? I don't know, you'd think

41:09

poison would go through a lab

41:11

this size much faster than a groan.

41:13

Goddamn. Is this the scene on

41:15

TV? I'm gonna go to the knife,

41:17

I'm gonna go to the knife

41:19

section him. Get to the knife section,

41:21

yeah. I'm gonna go stab him.

41:23

Thank you so much. It's just right

41:25

near the chest. Somebody hopin' through.

41:27

Jesus Christ. Why? He's too wide for

41:29

me to get the knife. Why,

41:31

yeah, it's just crazy. Who dies with

41:33

a list? Shocking.

41:37

Yet, this is the

41:39

treatment through proper, thought proper

41:41

when a well -authenticated case

41:43

of selling liquor to

41:46

miners comes up. So,

41:50

they're saying you shouldn't be

41:52

able to sell poisons to

41:54

kids, think. What were the

41:57

age restrictions on alcohol in

41:59

the 1890s? Oh, yeah. I don't

42:01

know if there weren't, I think it was

42:03

just more societal like frowned upon,

42:05

don't sell, but, so you could,

42:08

maybe, I think. I'm starting to

42:10

think that there is a, like

42:12

clinical use for strict nine, I

42:14

just don't know about. I've only

42:17

heard of it as a poison.

42:19

Is there something? This is, this

42:21

is, like, I don't remember what

42:24

Ozempec was for originally, you know,

42:26

but it probably wasn't, yeah, cravings

42:28

go away. What? Well, it wasn't

42:30

for all craving, because it was

42:33

maybe a weight loss, but then...

42:35

Well, it was originally a drug

42:37

for diabetics. And now it's a

42:39

drug that makes... Stop all craving.

42:41

It kills rats, strict nine.

42:43

Oh, we're talking about... Strick nine. Okay,

42:45

all right, so it is a poison.

42:47

I thought that's what... It's like, why

42:50

we're humans taking it. Why

42:52

not? I thought it was like

42:54

a mind-controlled drug for rats. I

42:57

never thought about it like that.

42:59

To control mice and rats. I

43:01

love to control, control, control.

43:03

You work for me, boy. It

43:06

was a vermin killer. So bring

43:08

me back gold. And then they're

43:10

all dead. I think I misread

43:13

the label on this one. I

43:15

thought it was like a mind-controlled

43:17

drug for rats. I was going

43:20

to build a little army. Now

43:22

to control them wake up wake

43:24

up my pet wait oh Christ

43:26

don't write control on the label

43:29

if it's not what you mean

43:31

What is there any strict eight

43:33

that might be a little better

43:35

of what I'm in the neighborhood

43:38

for Doesn't quite kill them,

43:40

but it makes some more

43:42

amenable to doing little hypnotized

43:44

Yes, yes, now bring me

43:46

the gold from the mountains

43:48

My little boys These rats

43:50

are taking a long time

43:52

to go out the door

43:54

and they're just a sea

43:56

of dead rats. Come on!

43:58

Marsh! Marsh

44:01

boy!

44:04

Marsh!

44:06

More like I did a wrong.

44:08

There we go. There it is.

44:11

There it is. I wish I

44:13

had a human around me to

44:15

enjoy some of this stuff with

44:17

me. I've got all these riffs

44:20

I want to do. Got all

44:22

these rat riffs and all these

44:24

rats keep dying. Doesn't translate a

44:27

charcoal on the wall as well

44:29

as I'd hope? I just want

44:31

a million little friends. Am I

44:33

so wrong? Is it so wrong

44:36

to want to be the rat

44:38

king? Don't answer that rats, even

44:40

though you're all dead. Christ. The

44:42

tailors of New York proposed to

44:45

sell the bills which they hold

44:47

against delinquent customers at public auctions.

44:49

Wow. Oh, the beginning. The beginning.

44:52

Right, yeah. Selling debt. Oh. Damn.

44:54

There are two objections to this

44:56

plan. First, that it will encourage

44:58

a certain class of debtors to

45:01

wait for the sale and have

45:03

the accounts against them brought by

45:05

their friends. Interesting. Life finds a

45:08

way. Wait, isn't that just paying

45:10

off a debt? I don't understand

45:12

what that means. Oh, I guess

45:14

it's your paying off a debt

45:17

at a discount. What does pay

45:19

for someone's debt mean? What does

45:21

any of this mean? I've never

45:23

been to a bank. Is it

45:26

a bank? Is this what they

45:28

call usery? Is this usery we're

45:30

talking about? Uh-oh, here we go.

45:33

I've never been to a bank.

45:35

I've never been to a bank.

45:37

Now wait! Leo shows up. So

45:39

he's doing Jesus with an accent

45:42

again. Are you crazy? Are you

45:44

crazy? Are you crazy? Are you

45:46

crazy? You crazy is so? I've

45:49

never wanted to watch Blood Diamond

45:51

more than that's right? You got

45:53

it, I see it. It's upsetting.

45:55

Well, in America, it's bling, bling.

45:58

Out ear, it's bling, bang. Oh,

46:00

no. Oh boy, out here, it's

46:02

like as a writer, you're probably

46:04

watching Leo read law and you're

46:07

like, I'm gonna fucking make Leonard

46:09

of the Capitol's gonna say my

46:11

words. And then everyone's like, oh

46:14

boy. Oh God. He's right, Dan,

46:16

you got one more dead day,

46:18

body. Then you got one more

46:20

dead day, buddy. Then you got

46:23

one more, I hope he doesn't

46:25

do too much baby talk with

46:27

him. I think he'll be able

46:30

to get it. He'll get it.

46:32

Baby talking, you craze? Are you

46:34

craze? He's so meta. This guy's

46:36

method, dude. This guy is just,

46:39

he's always- I said Latte, are

46:41

you craze? He's firing his assistant

46:43

in my weird little language that

46:45

I made up. In my South

46:48

Afrikaans. Okay. Are we still in

46:50

just, like, this is just a

46:52

headline, not headline, not headline, but

46:55

just the- Yeah, there's no, there's

46:57

no like, there's no headlines above

46:59

any of these stories. I like

47:01

it. Yeah, I mean, it's a

47:04

way to do news. It's a

47:06

way to click bait. Yes, it

47:08

is click bait. It's early. There's

47:11

no gifts, which makes it kind

47:13

of boring. Right. And I don't.

47:15

love that. There's no ads to

47:17

close which I don't love either.

47:20

Yeah, yeah. Trying to find the

47:22

little X. Yeah, the page doesn't

47:24

just crash randomly. But yeah, which

47:26

is the most fun part. But

47:29

I love that. I like just

47:31

list and stuff. I love scrolling

47:33

with an ad that stalks you.

47:36

Yeah, I like it when you're

47:38

like, you can't get rid of

47:40

me. Yeah, well, I'm going, but

47:42

I'm here. Oh, just hit the

47:45

X. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

47:47

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

47:49

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. That

47:52

was. That was an arrow to

47:54

take. Now you click me, we're

47:56

going to live Jasmine. It's live

47:58

Jasmine time. Every time someone clicks

48:01

on that, they must be like,

48:03

we got him. They're not like,

48:05

someone's interested. They're like, got him.

48:07

Got him? Idiot. Fall for him.

48:10

Even though he left right away,

48:12

that's money for us. That's money

48:14

for us. That's a penny for

48:17

me. You understand boys? We're going

48:19

to do it together, rat friends.

48:21

Christ. They're all skeletons. I'm talking

48:23

to an army of skeletons. J.H.

48:26

Morse, a young man formerly well

48:28

known in San Francisco, is leading

48:30

a life which must be singularly

48:33

independent and free from all annoyances

48:35

and cares of ordinary existence. I

48:37

love this guy. This is my

48:39

friend. Yeah, this guy is the

48:42

guy. I don't know. You have

48:44

a microphone in an ice bucket

48:46

and ain't jack in the box

48:48

yesterday. Yeah. Are you the same

48:51

guy? San Francisco seems to be

48:53

the only... It's the place you

48:55

go where you're free from annoyances

48:58

and you just do what you

49:00

want. You're eating the poppers. You're

49:02

putting the microphone in the ice

49:04

bucket. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. More

49:07

poppers after this okay. I don't

49:09

know No one can tell me

49:11

what to do until I know

49:14

I know but it's like you're

49:16

these are like acts of aggression

49:18

towards who you're white myself yourself

49:20

okay you've declared more on yourself

49:23

and God this is a war

49:25

on God right now you can't

49:27

kill me I'll kill myself you

49:29

can't fire me I quit I

49:32

quit I don't know if you

49:34

kill me God guess what then

49:36

you just have one more day

49:39

day day body okay no all

49:41

right day hurry day hurry Great.

49:43

He has bought himself for the

49:45

modest sum of $5,000, a small

49:48

island in the Pacific Ocean. Oh,

49:50

fuck. He has imported tither. a

49:52

population of South Sea Islanders? Okay,

49:55

this is bad. This just took

49:57

a really bad turn. This just

49:59

took a really bad turn. I'm

50:01

not this guy. Actually, I can

50:04

we go back and say I'm

50:06

not this guy? So you don't,

50:08

I thought you were like, I

50:10

don't like this guy. No, I

50:13

don't like this guy. I'm the

50:15

slaver. I thought he was just

50:17

someone who liked to chill. There's

50:20

a level of chill that I'm

50:22

comfortable with. Here's a rule of

50:24

thumb. Yeah, don't befriend an island.

50:26

Like a guy who has an

50:29

island, steer clear. There's no one

50:31

who's ever bought an island who's

50:33

ever done anything good with it.

50:36

No, you don't need it because

50:38

you could live like, you know,

50:40

you could have a big, like

50:42

vast area of land on another

50:45

area of land. Yeah, just by

50:47

a house somewhere. Yeah, like the

50:49

idea that you need an ocean

50:51

moat is, that's where you know.

50:54

Well I just, somewhere where authorities

50:56

can't get us, right? Mad, come

50:58

on over. Yeah. Yeah. There's finding

51:01

a place, there's going to be

51:03

a very special place where we're

51:05

free and there's no one around

51:07

the ball of us, and there's

51:10

surrounded by water, and all we

51:12

can do all day is just

51:14

fuck squirrels. All the conch you

51:17

can eat, all the rocks, you

51:19

want... skip and screams can't be

51:21

heard. Yes, not a scream. I've

51:23

also imported some islanders as helpers.

51:26

Yes. And I can't make my

51:28

dream happen alone. Yeah, so a

51:30

lot of work, come on. A

51:32

lot of work, turns out, so

51:35

I just took a population and

51:37

now they're mine. You're my best

51:39

friend Matt. They lived on the

51:42

other island right there and I

51:44

just moved them here. You know

51:46

what I mean and now I

51:48

get both. Yes. They're on a

51:51

different island and they are, I

51:53

mean I would call it an

51:55

island basement is where they're now

51:58

residing. And Matt, you're my best

52:00

friend. And Matt, you're my number

52:02

one buddy. I thought you just

52:04

like to eat jalapeno poppers. I

52:07

love read poppers. And by the

52:09

way, men, more poppers! For Matt

52:11

and I. Otherwise you get the

52:13

lover! Mad I love you. Wait

52:16

up friends. Matt's my best friend.

52:18

I don't know this man. I

52:20

don't know this man. We share

52:23

and I we share the same

52:25

ideals. I just thought he wanted

52:27

to start a podcast about chilling.

52:29

This is chilling and No, but

52:32

like normal meaning of the word.

52:34

Hey Matt, you want to eat

52:36

some human hand? Come here my

52:39

boy Name one thing we don't

52:41

agree on, I sure can't. Let's

52:43

start a YouTube channel, where we

52:45

do food challenges. What tastes better?

52:48

Human hand or human foot? I

52:50

want to do this. You're going

52:52

to, and you're going to like

52:54

comment subscribe. Eat a little brain.

52:57

By the way, it really helps

52:59

if you guys comment. Hit that

53:01

notification bell. Helps us out a

53:04

lot. He has imported to their

53:06

population of South Sea islanders and

53:08

has set out a great quantity

53:10

of coconut and banana trees. He

53:13

is absolute ruler and practically owns...

53:15

everything and in and I've got

53:17

this one guy in the corner

53:20

who owns a little bit of

53:22

stuff so one guy has a

53:24

little plot of corn I'm letting

53:26

him be there's one guy it's

53:29

like this is my rock yeah

53:31

this is my rock all right

53:33

all right fine that way I

53:35

don't feel like a you know

53:38

a king I have one one

53:40

surf He's over there, he owns

53:42

his own thing. It's his own

53:45

rock. He's good, good for you

53:47

Carl. He's got an army of

53:49

dead rats. Yeah, he's fine. He

53:51

thinks he control rats with strict

53:54

nine. I'm going to kill boss

53:56

with rock someday. I'm going to

53:58

kill boss with rock. We might

54:01

have to give it to Kyle.

54:03

I want to have that like

54:05

poster in my house, just like

54:07

a, like one of those office

54:10

motivational posters. Just a picture rock,

54:12

I'm going to kill boss with

54:14

rocks. Hey, so Matt, we say

54:16

you can hang up anything in

54:19

your cubicle. That one is a

54:21

little problematic for Mr. Schwartz. He's

54:23

kind of, you don't love that

54:26

one? Why? No, I just just,

54:28

you know, it's just like motivation.

54:30

It's motivation to work. I don't

54:32

know, in the direction of, I

54:35

don't know, it feels a little...

54:37

Well, I'm a self-starter, you know,

54:39

I like to let people know

54:42

that, you know, just like, you

54:44

know, every day is a new

54:46

day, you know, it's like, I'm

54:48

a grindset mindset mindset guy, one

54:51

day I'm going to kill Boss

54:53

of Rock. Those are great, those

54:55

are great mottos, it's, it's, it's,

54:58

it's a lot of like, it's

55:00

a lot of like, it's like,

55:02

it's like, it's like, it's like,

55:04

it's like, it's like, it's like,

55:07

like, like, like, like, like, like,

55:09

like, like, like, like, like, like,

55:11

like, like, like, like, like, like,

55:13

like, like, like, like, like, like,

55:16

like, like, like, like, You know,

55:18

it's upsetting, other workers and bosses.

55:20

Why do you have to get

55:23

killed with the rock is kind

55:25

of what we're wanting. Well, no,

55:27

it's not, like, stop thinking about

55:29

it in terms of like, oh

55:32

no, you know. It's just a

55:34

huge poster. I know. Well, I

55:36

want people to know it's kind

55:39

of my main, my baseline mindset.

55:41

It's just like, you know, back

55:43

in Mesozoic era. No, don't do

55:45

Mesozoic stuff. Can we lose, was

55:48

they kill bosses rock well it's

55:50

not really a clan though I

55:52

mean this is a workplace well

55:54

it is exactly that's kind of

55:57

our point and it shouldn't have

55:59

you shouldn't have so many rocks

56:01

on your desk it's not gonna

56:04

kind of where well I just

56:06

I just like rocks like that's

56:08

separate from this guys I'm not

56:10

gonna kill you with rock we

56:13

could all kill bosses rock together

56:15

well we are your bosses so

56:17

yeah I know but you're not

56:20

you're not a boss with that

56:22

with which I will kill with

56:24

which I will kill with the

56:26

I actually am super into that.

56:29

Yeah. You want guys? I'll print

56:31

you out the poster. I'll print

56:33

you. You can have your own

56:35

poster. There's now, there's a new

56:38

rule for the office and that's

56:40

no rocks and no posters. It's

56:42

weird that you're making rules because

56:45

we have the rocks. Yeah, but

56:47

I'll have anything. Also, he's right.

56:49

I am right. So I think

56:51

I'm right. Well I have rock.

56:54

I'm the one that's right. Rock

56:56

beats paper bitch and then I

56:58

kill him. What? What? And that's

57:01

how rock paper scissors was invented.

57:03

And then what do you say

57:05

in the blood diamond accent? I

57:07

say, are you Chris? You get

57:10

some baby boys, fall down. Maybe

57:12

I just go to them government,

57:14

huh? Least them government gonna pay

57:16

me, huh? It's

57:19

so bad. It's so upsetting. It's

57:21

just upsetting. I bet the movie

57:23

is over two hours. It's so

57:26

long. It's like two hours and

57:28

30 minutes. But it's like two

57:30

action-packed hours of the strangest South

57:32

African accent you've ever heard. Offensive,

57:35

not done yet. He's doing this

57:37

in-between project, so he doesn't have

57:39

time to get it exactly right.

57:41

He's just gonna do like a

57:44

weird thing. Don't worry about what

57:46

he's gonna do. It's not going

57:48

to be white and that's what

57:50

matters. one. Yeah, bat poo. He's,

57:53

but bat poo used to actually

57:55

be valuable. Big money. Yeah, it

57:57

was big money. What do you

57:59

do with it? You get, I

58:02

think I, from my understanding is

58:04

is you, you ship it to

58:06

America and then they put it

58:08

into little boxes and then you

58:11

buy one and you can put

58:13

it, you cram it in someone's

58:15

mouth. I'm gonna go ahead and

58:17

say I don't believe that Dave's

58:19

right. No, that's true. It was

58:22

called mouthglano for a for a

58:24

while, but they like any, if

58:26

you didn't agree with you didn't

58:28

agree with someone. during a discussion

58:31

you could take out your back

58:33

water and cram it in their

58:35

mouth. But didn't it have, it

58:37

had an actual purpose? There was

58:40

like, that's a fertilizer? I don't

58:42

see how that's not a purpose.

58:44

What's, yeah. That's a purpose? Is

58:46

that not a purpose? No. He

58:49

just described the purpose to you

58:51

and you're just like, oh, but

58:53

why do you use it? I

58:55

don't know. Listen. I think that

58:58

it's getting aggressive, but you are

59:00

right. The point is taken, but

59:02

um... Are you saying alternative purposes?

59:04

Like secondary, tertiary purposes? Yeah, well

59:07

you could do that with so

59:09

many, what makes it specific to

59:11

guano? Some people would use it

59:13

for fertilizer, but the main purpose

59:16

was to stop arguments. Okay, all

59:18

right, well I wish we had

59:20

a little now, honestly. I feel

59:22

like, uh... Why? I was like,

59:25

I've been sort of cornered, and

59:27

I'd like a couple of traps

59:29

to be honest with you. I

59:31

got an easier idea. Find a

59:34

rock. I don't think... Yeah. Find

59:36

a rock. Get a rock. Get

59:38

a rock. Get a rock. Get

59:40

a rock. Get a rock. Get

59:42

a rock. I

59:47

forgot I had a soundboard on

59:49

my travel on my on my

59:52

travel recorder. Can't believe we're only

59:54

fighting this out at the very

59:56

end. Yeah, I could have been

59:59

soundboarding this whole time. Yeah. All

1:00:01

right, well, why don't we, why

1:00:04

don't we, let's end with, Dave,

1:00:06

if you have a sound effect,

1:00:08

a story where Matt can really

1:00:11

bring the sound. I mean, finish

1:00:13

this one. I know, but it's

1:00:15

dead. Are you sure? I mean,

1:00:18

what's, does it end with him

1:00:20

getting eaten by the rats? Were

1:00:22

the rats in story? Of course

1:00:25

there is nothing to prevent his

1:00:27

returning to civilization at any time,

1:00:30

but he seems to prefer to

1:00:32

stay where he is. And... Who

1:00:34

shall say that Mr. Morris is

1:00:37

not one of the happiest men

1:00:39

in the world today? He's got

1:00:41

slaves and shit! Oh man, I

1:00:44

really thought you were still on

1:00:46

article. No. Wait, so- He's got

1:00:49

slaves and shit. But wait, but

1:00:51

so I would like to know

1:00:53

what happened with that island man.

1:00:56

That seems like something where a

1:00:58

follow-up is incredibly necessary. Do we

1:01:00

have a name of the island?

1:01:03

Well his name was Morse? What

1:01:05

is his name or Morris like

1:01:07

code or Morris? It doesn't say

1:01:10

his first name. But are you

1:01:12

spelling it M-O-R-S-E or M-O-R-R-I-S? It's

1:01:15

M-O-R-S-E-J-H- The code. Island man is

1:01:17

what I think. Technical term, I

1:01:19

think. Island boy. Island boy. Island

1:01:22

boy. Is this the first island

1:01:24

boy? He's going to suck his

1:01:26

brother off. I forgot about those

1:01:29

guys. I don't see anything. You

1:01:31

think he's real? I bet he's

1:01:33

real though. Where's the island man?

1:01:36

Yeah, I don't, I don't know.

1:01:38

I don't see anything. You know,

1:01:41

maybe they deleted him for... This

1:01:43

is a really old newspaper. People

1:01:45

could just make shit up. That's

1:01:48

true too. We actually, I think

1:01:50

we had one of those. Where

1:01:52

it was just like... We were

1:01:55

like, as we got like halfway

1:01:57

through, we were like, I don't,

1:02:00

did this really happen? Like, yeah.

1:02:02

The man made a flute out

1:02:04

of a huge tree and a

1:02:07

wizard fell from it. And we

1:02:09

were like, okay, now they've like,

1:02:11

come on. This is getting a

1:02:14

little far-fetched. This is page three.

1:02:16

Yeah. Come on. Do you have

1:02:18

a sound effect last one, Dave,

1:02:21

maybe? I mean, we really should

1:02:23

take advantage of it. Right? Yeah.

1:02:26

Washing out the stomach. The

1:02:28

thing is I didn't know what

1:02:30

sound it was going to be.

1:02:33

That's right. It worked. During the

1:02:35

past year, several physicians in New

1:02:38

York have tried with a gratifying

1:02:40

success a novel treatment for dyspepsia

1:02:42

and cancer of the stomach by

1:02:45

washing out that organ. And they

1:02:47

still do it to this day.

1:02:50

Well, you put a broom down

1:02:52

this throat and you just kind

1:02:54

of... You let the bristles sweep

1:02:57

out all the cancer. Yes. Sweep

1:02:59

the tum-tums! It's called sweeping. The

1:03:01

process is very simple and not

1:03:04

dangerous. A long flexible pipe is

1:03:06

passed down the throat until one

1:03:09

end is in the stomach. Oh

1:03:11

my god. The upper end has

1:03:13

a funnel attached to it? No.

1:03:16

Mm-hmm. Into which hot water is

1:03:18

poured until the stomach is filled.

1:03:21

Oh my god, were they making

1:03:23

pat-e? Oh my god. Medicine back

1:03:25

in the days was just like,

1:03:28

just try shit man. Like, let's

1:03:30

just go for it. Oh, you

1:03:32

got diarrhea? And then what? And

1:03:35

you were like, then you put

1:03:37

a bunch of hot water. Then

1:03:40

we, then we see. I don't

1:03:42

know, man. Then we broth them

1:03:44

from the inside out. You're probably

1:03:47

dead that you've scalded all the

1:03:49

inside parts. Well, yeah, that's where

1:03:52

you just, what happened? Well, he

1:03:54

didn't make it, but he's, there's

1:03:56

no cancer. There's no anything. Yes,

1:03:59

I mean. What was the other

1:04:01

option? Let him die? Let's figure it

1:04:03

out, we'll move it. The pipe

1:04:05

has an aperture big enough to

1:04:07

hold a lead pencil. After the

1:04:10

stomach has... I don't know why,

1:04:12

they said that. Get a little

1:04:14

lead in there. Put a little

1:04:16

lead in there. We'll just see

1:04:18

what happens. Tast a little mercury

1:04:20

inside. I have a question. Do

1:04:22

you think we could write inside

1:04:25

the stomach? We're going to try.

1:04:27

We're going to do everything we

1:04:29

can. I'm going to sign my

1:04:31

work. Look at that, there we

1:04:33

are. What did you sign? It's

1:04:35

his case. Dr. Commander Zero. Dr.

1:04:37

Commander Zero. After the stomach has

1:04:40

been filled, the funnel end of

1:04:42

the pipe is turned down

1:04:44

until it was lower

1:04:46

than the bottom of

1:04:49

the stomach and the

1:04:51

stomach is emptied as

1:04:53

a barrel of any

1:04:55

fluid is emptied. through a

1:04:57

siphon. Oh my god. So we

1:04:59

flip him upside down. Well, we're

1:05:01

gonna shake him a little bit

1:05:03

too to make sure it gets

1:05:05

nice in front of you. Just

1:05:08

like anything else you fill up.

1:05:10

Yeah, you're gonna shake it and

1:05:12

then just kind of doing great.

1:05:14

Get the monk and the gunk

1:05:16

out of there, you know. He's not

1:05:18

doing great. That was a liff, that

1:05:21

was organ. Yeah, oh boy. He had

1:05:23

a lot of bad in him. Oh, yeah. The

1:05:25

process, the process may be

1:05:27

repeated several times. The result...

1:05:29

Hold on, Dave. Once is

1:05:32

not enough. Okay, you're probably

1:05:34

thinking that's plenty. Four or

1:05:36

five times is what you

1:05:38

got to go with. Get it right.

1:05:40

Oh, you still have cancer? That's

1:05:42

because you only did it once. Yeah,

1:05:45

you're still a gunkey, my man. You

1:05:47

can do it. 75 100 times I

1:05:49

think is proper. The cancer, I just

1:05:51

came back to cancer spreading. Well, what

1:05:53

are you doing? Well, then why- You

1:05:55

must be doing something between- What are

1:05:58

you doing? Are you gunking at home? Yeah,

1:06:00

you're just putting random gunk

1:06:02

in there aren't you? Are

1:06:04

you eating cancer boy? That's

1:06:06

our theory. We have a

1:06:09

new cure called waterboarding. Here

1:06:11

we are. There you go.

1:06:13

What is dead? They never

1:06:15

die. You just have to

1:06:17

drown you. The result is

1:06:20

that the undigested food and

1:06:22

mucus are washed out and

1:06:24

the hot water closes the

1:06:26

blood vessels and reduces inflammation.

1:06:28

A fucking, unbelievable. Oh that's

1:06:30

right, some of this is

1:06:33

just for a tummy ache.

1:06:35

Yeah. Your husband's no longer

1:06:37

sick because he's no longer

1:06:39

anything really. He's no longer

1:06:41

anything to be honest with

1:06:43

you. I love the idea

1:06:46

of using hot to reduce

1:06:48

inflammation. Hot to reduce inflammation,

1:06:50

it'd be like, now those

1:06:52

blood vessels stop working, things

1:06:54

are pretty good inside. The

1:06:56

relief is immediate. Yeah, oh

1:06:59

yeah. Yes, the relief from

1:07:01

this mortal coil is immediate.

1:07:03

The relief from breathing. No

1:07:05

more pain. No more anything.

1:07:07

No more piles of laundry.

1:07:09

No more armies of... dead

1:07:12

rats you tried to control

1:07:14

with strict nine because you

1:07:16

misread the label no more

1:07:18

nothing no more just that's

1:07:20

it just one more dead

1:07:23

body the dyspeptic may have

1:07:25

his stomach washed out before

1:07:27

a meal so that he

1:07:29

can take a fresh tart

1:07:31

now guess who's hungry Are

1:07:33

you ready for a steak?

1:07:36

Hey, coughing up my heart

1:07:38

sure made me want pasta.

1:07:40

Welcome to Olive Garden, we

1:07:42

do it differently. What's better

1:07:44

than never-ending bread sticks? Never

1:07:46

beginning bread. After the lapse

1:07:49

of a sufficient time for

1:07:51

ordinary digestion, the stomach may

1:07:53

be washed out again. process

1:07:55

has been in use at

1:07:57

New York Hospital for some

1:07:59

time. And this is really

1:08:02

good. Three months. It's really

1:08:04

good. Scientific American wrote that.

1:08:06

It works. Matt, do you

1:08:08

have a sound effect to

1:08:10

end that article, maybe? It

1:08:13

feels like we've done all

1:08:15

our sound effects. Oh. That,

1:08:17

it sounded like water, but

1:08:19

it was applause. It was

1:08:21

applause. Well Matt, thank you

1:08:23

for joining us. Where can

1:08:26

people follow? We are big

1:08:28

fans of the videos that

1:08:30

crush for you, which is

1:08:32

where you are just either

1:08:34

mocking the policies of our

1:08:36

government or you skewer very

1:08:39

well. Where can people follow

1:08:41

you and all that? You

1:08:43

can follow me. Over on

1:08:45

Instagram at Matt Lee jokes,

1:08:47

or you can follow me

1:08:49

on Twitter Or formerly the

1:08:52

X see everything app The

1:08:54

at Matt leave. I'm still

1:08:56

there. I'm I'm going to

1:08:58

leave. Sorry. Oh, I forgot

1:09:00

I have one more plug

1:09:02

to do if you like

1:09:04

me and my wife Francesca

1:09:06

Fiorentini, then you're gonna love

1:09:08

me and Francesca Fiorentini doing

1:09:10

stand-up comedy. We're gonna be

1:09:12

co-headlining Cobs in San Francisco

1:09:15

on May 7th, so please

1:09:17

get your tickets now if

1:09:19

you are in San Francisco

1:09:21

or the San Francisco Bay

1:09:23

Area and you wanna see

1:09:25

some comedy on a Wednesday,

1:09:27

then come out to Cobs

1:09:29

Comedy Club over in North

1:09:31

Beach in San Francisco. It's

1:09:33

gonna be super fun. Yeah,

1:09:35

get your tickets now. You

1:09:37

can find them on my

1:09:39

social media or, you know,

1:09:41

by Googling Matt Lee, Francesca

1:09:43

Fiorentini, Cobb's Comedy Club. We'll

1:09:45

see you May 7th. And

1:09:47

then I'm on Blue Sky

1:09:49

with, you know, hanging out

1:09:51

with the Libs at Matt

1:09:53

Lee. You can find me

1:09:55

there. And yeah, I'm also

1:09:57

on Blue Sky. It's a

1:09:59

play. It's the last refuge,

1:10:01

the last place to go

1:10:04

where there aren't just a

1:10:06

bunch of fucking assholes. Yeah,

1:10:08

it's kind of crazy. It's

1:10:10

nice to, it's nice to

1:10:12

remember how good we had

1:10:14

it with Jack Dorsey. I

1:10:16

know. Same Jack Dorsey. Yeah,

1:10:18

it's great. Just have a

1:10:20

co-op, can we? No. Well

1:10:22

thank you Matt and, and,

1:10:24

and, uh, and Dave, sorry

1:10:26

to hear about your cancellation.

1:10:28

That's nice. Some

1:10:33

of these days you'll miss

1:10:35

me honey. Some of these

1:10:37

days. there Dalhads this is

1:10:39

Gareth Reynolds you know me

1:10:41

I'm from the Garifor is

1:10:43

part of the dollar podcast

1:10:45

love you Dalhads listen I'm

1:10:47

gonna be doing some stand

1:10:50

of comedy you can go

1:10:52

to Gareth reynolds.com for all

1:10:54

tickets of information Naples Florida

1:10:56

March 24th Charlotte April 13th

1:10:58

Raleigh April 14th Virginia Beach

1:11:00

Virginia April 15th Richmond Virginia

1:11:02

April 16th Mugubies in Lutherville

1:11:04

Baltimore whatever the hell you

1:11:06

want to call it April

1:11:08

17th April 18th then I'll

1:11:11

be in Winnipeg Canada May

1:11:13

29th, May 30th, May 31st.

1:11:15

I'll be in Chattanooga, Tennessee

1:11:17

on August 8th, August 9th.

1:11:19

Go to Gareth reynolds.com. I'll

1:11:21

also be in the comedy

1:11:23

Fort and Fort Collins the

1:11:25

following weekend. More dates being

1:11:27

added, coming at you. Gareth

1:11:30

Reynolds.