0:00

your plans now. Get to Las

0:02

Vegas for opening weekend of

0:04

football. September 6th is a Saturday.

0:07

Andy and I and probably Chad and we'll

0:09

try to get as many special guests

0:11

as we can get to come up from

0:13

the days of the podcast, from the

0:15

days of the touring, and

0:18

then off into September,

0:20

October, Midwest, upstate

0:22

New York, New England run,

0:25

then Florida, in November.

0:27

Go to DougStandUp .com. Go

0:29

to the tour dates and it all

0:31

wraps up with Skankfest at this point

0:33

unless we add something weird for New Year's

0:35

which we will talk about. Maybe a

0:37

day drinking show on New Year's for people

0:39

like us who fucking hate New Year's. We

0:42

were thinking maybe Boulder but I

0:44

don't know. We'll see. I'll talk

0:46

to you. Yeah, keep it keep it. Get on

0:48

the mailing list too. Bye. Hey guys,

0:50

when's the last time you took a good look

0:52

at your balls? I mean

0:54

squatting over a mirror, dunking

0:56

and dangling, pulling them

0:58

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1:00

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1:02

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1:05

so it's worth a check down

1:07

there. Checking for what? I don't know.

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I have lots of lumps in

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know, it's cancer. What's the

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1:56

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not like short and curly's. It's disgusting and

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3:06

Anyone have brain cancer in here

3:08

tonight? How are you Bobby? You

3:21

ever give a give ever

3:23

give your number to a dude

3:25

with brain cancer that stopped

3:27

past your house thinking well He

3:29

won't use it and then

3:31

he doesn't die from it Hey

3:33

Andy Andrews and junior stop

3:35

are here. I'm only

3:37

up here Right now because they're

3:39

the funniest people. I know

3:41

but they have fucking zero hosting

3:44

skills They can't

3:46

say, hey, how you doing?

3:48

They can't rub a

3:50

fucking cancer patient's head. And

3:52

I'm not the best

3:54

comic to open a show.

3:57

No, I mean, as a first host,

3:59

I'll be a miserable count later. But

4:02

right now, I'm smiling and

4:05

welcoming you to the Go Bananas.

4:07

And you know what? As

4:09

much as Go Bananas is my

4:11

favorite comedy club in the

4:13

country, And the legacy

4:15

we have here, I

4:17

forget how fucking awful the

4:19

rest of the day

4:22

is to spend in fucking

4:24

blue ash. And oh, we're

4:27

out at some

4:30

hotel. I told Bingo

4:32

when she came in late on

4:34

Thursday night, I go, oh honey,

4:36

I went up in all the

4:38

trees and I took tweezers and

4:40

I pulled all the leaves out

4:42

for you. So it will just

4:44

look Dank and skeletal for you

4:46

It's 45 degrees out if that's

4:48

why if you're wondering why Andy's

4:50

a scarfed up with a fucking

4:52

ski at it's very cold. It's

4:54

always cold in Cincinnati It's always

4:56

bad weather here. Yeah, we've been

4:59

here four days six shows and

5:01

four days and it's been fucking

5:03

just miserable Shit suicide weather the

5:05

entire time we go after we

5:07

bragged about how lucky we got

5:09

It feels like stations are the

5:11

cross for comics. You

5:13

know I mean? You know what that

5:15

is? No, I do. They do

5:17

like a story of Jesus. He gets beat

5:19

up on the first day, and the

5:21

second day he's betrayed, and then the third

5:23

day he's crucified. You don't know these stations that

5:25

cross? They have you go around. You have to

5:28

get up out of your seat and church

5:30

and then go around. It's like that's where Jesus

5:32

was. You got his ass kicked here. Over here,

5:34

somebody helped him. Basically,

5:36

I don't know if I'm holding

5:38

the microphone wrong because he said

5:40

you can hold it down

5:42

here and you guys have it

5:44

up anywhere around there's fine Well,

5:48

you know the tour is

5:50

set up with Andy and I

5:52

co -headlining juniors in and out

5:55

Depending on the part of

5:57

the tour and the part of

5:59

the country and we could

6:01

have called it Andy and Doug

6:03

stand up and friends But

6:05

like where it's yeah in two

6:07

weeks and a day It's

6:10

a it could be already dumbed

6:12

down to Doug Stan open associates

6:14

so we can all be crossing

6:16

friends out putting in slurs We're

6:18

like we're like the Eagles in

6:20

the later years. We're getting different

6:22

tour buses Arriving separately my green

6:24

room can't be in the same

6:26

area as your green room. Yeah,

6:28

we had to fly junior at

6:30

some point when because the route

6:32

he's all fucked up So at

6:34

some point we're in Nashville and

6:36

we had two days off to

6:38

get to Raleigh, which is about

6:40

10 and a half hours, which

6:43

we'd have to backtrack. And

6:45

it was like tornado warnings and

6:47

fucking thunderstorms. So we go,

6:49

let's just fly. And

6:51

we get out right in front of the storm.

6:53

And then we had to fly junior back to

6:55

get his car. We're riding

6:57

in a junior. We usually, you know, we

6:59

always said to van when we're on the

7:02

road, because we didn't want people to know

7:04

exactly what you're driving, because if they're pissed

7:06

off and they walk out. You

7:08

don't want to say that,

7:10

but we're in Junior's 1997 Lincoln

7:12

Town Car with 220 ,000 miles

7:14

on it. Yeah,

7:16

you key that car. It's not going to get

7:18

noticed. It's already keyed up. Yeah.

7:21

You just screw up your keys. You'll

7:24

have a bunch of chip pain in your keys and

7:26

they won't work on your ignition. But

7:29

it has been a lot of fun. I

7:33

don't know. Joplin was it's it

7:35

started in Joplin, which Junior

7:37

job. How long was that drive? Joplin

7:39

to from Chicago. Oh, that was like

7:42

nine. No, it was more than that

7:44

for the stops. But yeah,

7:46

that was a freaky one

7:48

because It might have been the

7:50

best show. It was our

7:52

first one Yeah, it was the

7:54

Coda concert house. So

7:57

we got in two days early

7:59

because there's only one airline that flies

8:01

in. The United's the only airline

8:03

that flies in the Joplin. We should

8:05

have started in Branson. I think

8:07

you can get there easier. Yeah, I

8:09

wish we, if I knew over

8:11

that close and if I knew, I

8:13

didn't have to write an

8:15

act. Oh, I would

8:17

have gone to Branson. Oh, man. On

8:21

a nooner. Wouldn't it be easier if

8:23

we let the crowd come to us

8:25

and we just set up in Branson

8:27

and the crowd's gone? Well, I thought

8:29

of the same. Why don't we do

8:31

that at the Fun House? I always

8:33

thought. But then you go, oh, liability

8:36

issues. People fucking

8:38

up my stuff. Who's putting out cools

8:40

on my rug? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So

8:44

why don't you invite Yakov to do

8:46

a podcast? Well, if we

8:48

had gone to Branson, we think we're

8:50

the king of the day drinking shows,

8:52

but no, all those Branson shows are

8:54

like noon and two. Oh, wonderful. Yeah,

8:57

we just need for the

8:59

generation that goes to your shows

9:01

to get about five years

9:03

older and then serve pie. Yeah,

9:06

I've noticed that the demographic is...

9:08

don't know if it's the towns

9:11

we've been playing. We're hard of

9:13

the Midwest. It used to be

9:15

the club made money on the

9:17

booze when you were in town.

9:19

Now they're making it on the

9:21

food. your audience is getting wider

9:24

and more sober. Yeah,

9:26

well, yeah, Junior's making it up

9:28

on the food. This is a second

9:30

fucking time. The guy goes straight from

9:32

lunch to fucking dinner. You hadn't even

9:34

picked the sandwich out of your teeth

9:36

and you're fucking up their order. Fucking

9:39

two more side orders of fucking

9:41

beef tongue. I think he just did

9:43

it to grow cell bingo. Yeah,

9:45

pretty much. May Sushi,

9:47

this podcast sponsored by May Sushi,

9:49

M -E -I, but pronounced May,

9:51

right here. I don't know this

9:53

complex. hearts of wherever we

9:55

are. Yeah, I think it's like,

9:57

it's not the Crossroads Mall. It's not

9:59

a mall. It's not a strip

10:01

mall. It's a complex of sorts. It's

10:04

an aging complex that has Sneaky

10:06

Pete's Bar, which has been renamed several

10:08

times, but I call it Sneaky

10:10

Pete's because I haven't come here 35

10:12

years. Yeah. And it

10:14

got sushi and it has a club.

10:16

What is it? We figured out

10:19

what it holds. $1 .75

10:21

or something. I

10:23

said one of my favorite

10:25

clubs because it's tiny and

10:27

even if it's half sold,

10:29

you don't care because you're

10:32

drunk. Sneaky

10:35

pizza is great because there's like old

10:37

skanks in there from like the 80s.

10:39

Oh, yeah, fun to people watch so

10:41

much in there You want to fuck

10:43

a 62 year old ladies singing the

10:45

barracuda? Only

10:47

if it's in the places like

10:49

it used to be I would

10:51

go over there and bartend between

10:53

shows which

10:55

was fun and it gave you a

10:57

bolt of adrenaline to just be

10:59

humping it, like trying to crank

11:02

out drinks. I pour drinks like

11:04

I want my bartender. I'm running. I'm

11:06

not fucking... You look like you

11:08

were in an episode of Bar Rescue

11:10

and the Stress Test. Yeah. Like

11:12

he's running back and forth and he's

11:14

not getting anything done. Look at

11:16

him, he's an effective actor. But

11:20

it used to be I would go

11:22

over and I would bar... then like the

11:24

crowd would come over and bingo'd sell

11:26

merch from one end of the bar that

11:28

around the corner part and I would

11:30

bartend and come over and quickly sign shit

11:33

and go right back to I don't

11:35

serve I don't fucking I serve bottled beer

11:37

I don't do draft beer and if

11:39

it's a mixed drink it can only have

11:41

two ingredients and they have to be

11:43

in the title of the drink and we

11:45

don't need any People around

11:47

here that have the joint atmosphere.

11:50

I can make a vodka orange.

11:52

I can't make a screwdriver. Got

11:54

it? Good. And we would have

11:56

a blast. Like a Rogan came once. He

11:59

had a show probably a fucking

12:01

theater years ago and came over for

12:03

our late show. And then I

12:05

got him behind the bar after the

12:07

late show to bartend with me.

12:09

And that guy just fucking talked to

12:11

people. I'm like, move, we got

12:13

fucking drinks to fill here. But back

12:15

then they appreciated, they needed the

12:18

audience. They counted on our audience to

12:20

fill that place up. But now

12:22

that place is the fucking monster. You

12:24

can't even get in there. I try

12:26

to do karaoke and they turn. Me down.

12:28

I couldn't, probably Rogan couldn't even get

12:31

me a spot for karaoke over there. It's

12:33

so packed. Live karaoke.

12:35

It's not a dude with a machine.

12:37

It's a live band. Oh, they're singing too.

12:39

They take it serious. Yeah. If you're

12:41

going to sing Cindy Loper, you better sound

12:43

like her. You'll get booed off. But

12:46

then the rumor was, oh, it

12:48

became huge because there's a swinger element

12:50

to it, which we couldn't. Yeah,

12:52

there's a lot of GIL ups in

12:54

there. I got asked where I

12:56

would stay in a few times by

12:59

ladies like where's your where do

13:01

you where do you stay? Oh, it's

13:03

just a motel. Well, where we're

13:05

at Really, okay. Yeah, I didn't know

13:07

I saw just a lot of

13:09

regular faces. Yeah, I didn't see a

13:12

lot of Swinger atmosphere last night

13:14

on stage and he goes yeah,

13:16

I heard it's a swingers bar. I

13:18

think they need better swing sets

13:20

a little out of date a beach

13:22

tan man in a colostomy bag. Yeah.

13:27

When the possibility of going to a

13:29

bar ended up with the woman

13:31

in diapers. Yeah. Doesn't

13:34

that happen to you before? No,

13:36

no, no. Someone in a

13:38

woman in diapers, not me. I

13:40

think it's of cute. Sounds like a Henry Phillips born

13:42

to lose story, but I don't think it was him

13:45

either. We're talking about incontinence or

13:47

poop? I didn't have a lady pee on

13:49

me, and that was before I even

13:51

heard the term squirter. Judges

13:53

just but squirting just like a porn

13:55

flex. You think she was angry? Did

13:57

you think she was laughing out? Some

14:03

women when not not uh, maybe

14:05

she could only hear cries of pain

14:08

I remember when I lived in that cabin

14:10

in Idaho and I was on the kitchen

14:12

counter, but when I try to think about

14:14

that, like was I on a step stool?

14:16

Because I can't imagine a kitchen counter low

14:18

enough for me to fuck someone on. What

14:21

do you do? She stands above you to

14:23

pee or is it like? Oh, you were

14:25

taller. You were a few inches taller back

14:27

then. Well, you don't lose your height from

14:29

the waist down. It's all in your posture.

14:31

You got to do a lot of geometric

14:33

math to get the pee right. She

14:35

was just I was

14:37

shit -faced and she's squirting

14:40

and and I go oh,

14:42

she's deaf. So maybe

14:44

she's incontinent too. I don't

14:46

know Did she sign

14:48

to you what was going

14:50

on? Yeah,

14:52

just me read your lips He

14:54

has to look and then read

14:56

your lips at the same time

14:58

make sure the piss is hitting

15:00

you make sure you're going The

15:04

deaf voice does sound

15:06

vaguely orgasmic. Or

15:10

troubled. It also sounds

15:12

a little bit like Derek.

15:16

I think I'm coming. I

15:18

heard fucking Derek. Did Derek charge

15:20

you 140 bucks to take you

15:22

to the airport when I pay

15:24

him fucking? That's for a

15:26

round trip when I pay him.

15:28

Yeah, that's for two. Oh, so that

15:31

includes picking you up when you

15:33

guys go back. All right, bingo. Yeah,

15:35

bingo and Alex flew out. Okay,

15:37

good. I thought he's she was telling

15:39

me that and I thought he's

15:41

trying to railroad you like fucking tourists.

15:44

We had to get up at fucking

15:46

this is a Sunday night. So

15:48

we have one show here coming up

15:50

in a minute. And then this

15:53

will be our sixth show in How

15:55

many days go bananas in four

15:57

days in four days like I have

15:59

never been this exhausted We did

16:01

okay, so we're in Joplin and we

16:03

go code a concert house and

16:06

So the day before we're off we

16:08

go Let's just drive past the

16:10

venue and check it out where you

16:12

know Loved in if we we

16:14

still haven't figured out if we're doing

16:16

merch or if we're doing the

16:19

Patreon only meet and greet or and

16:21

then we're so we we pull

16:23

up to this address And

16:25

I checked it online too. We

16:27

had it. We both, both Junior

16:30

and Doug had it on their

16:32

GPS's. So we both, we were

16:34

right. Okay, it's coming out. And

16:36

then there it is. It's a

16:38

fucking complete residential neighborhood of ranch

16:40

style houses. No clue. There's no

16:42

nothing to indicate this is anything

16:44

house. We found the address and

16:46

it's a fucking dark empty house.

16:48

And so I call a guy, like

16:50

I'm still not sure if I'm getting

16:52

duped on this deal, but I did

16:55

get paid half upfront on a guarantee.

16:57

So he goes, no, no, it's a

16:59

house. Inside, when you

17:01

see inside, you'll get it. And

17:03

so it was like, it was

17:05

a bigger version of the fun

17:07

house where you walk in the

17:09

front door and it's fucking got

17:11

a great stage and seats assigned

17:13

seats with everyone's name on them,

17:15

unfolding chairs and. Green room and

17:17

yeah, but don't call it the

17:20

concert house call it. It's the

17:22

dude's house or something No, I

17:24

love but it's I didn't know

17:26

it's like a Underground place and

17:28

it's we were the first time

17:30

they'd done Done comedy,

17:32

but he said, uh, he goes, yeah,

17:34

bird cloud played here in 2019. He

17:36

sent me some video of their classic

17:38

thing where she's playing the harmonica down

17:40

at the other girl's pussy. And it

17:42

seemed like there were crickets coming from

17:44

the audience. It was a little, maybe

17:47

too hardcore. He, he, he tried to,

17:49

you know, explain the show to people

17:51

when they'd call in, but there's, it's

17:53

hard to explain what they did. Yeah.

17:56

He wouldn't put music on either. Women

17:58

in underpants. Well, yeah, you just

18:00

send out a YouTube clip of the

18:02

worst parts, and that should queer

18:05

some people out. He

18:07

wouldn't put music on, and so it was

18:09

silent, so we were like, oh, no. And

18:11

he's like, that doesn't work when he goes,

18:13

welcome to a night of comedy. I

18:16

was fine with no

18:19

music. It turned out OK.

18:21

Yeah, no, was fucking great. It was

18:23

a fantastic crowd, and we were, was

18:25

our first show, so we're just, you

18:27

know, winging it anyway. He's

18:30

arguing with the

18:32

local. City Council too, so there's

18:34

a bunch of YouTube arguments too, if you wanna look

18:36

up. Oh, have you looked it up? I looked

18:38

up a little bit, but I'm gonna wait till I

18:40

get home to binge watch it, because it's like

18:42

hours and shit. Yeah, he said

18:44

he had one cranky neighbor that -

18:46

One neighbor fucked it up for

18:48

everyone. But she didn't. They're

18:50

still there, so yeah. I

18:53

don't know if you get on

18:55

a mailing list, how you get

18:57

invited to that place, because he

18:59

doesn't advertise, there's list. He doesn't

19:01

want any press. Mm -hmm to

19:03

write it up and ruin the

19:05

little gem that it is I

19:07

wish there was a way to

19:10

fight tonight If I could do

19:12

a circuit of that. Yeah, kind

19:14

of like the hustler Yeah, yeah

19:16

Airbnb air BBC bet

19:18

you in Texas where those underground what do

19:20

you call the other Preppers the prepper tour

19:22

because he's just performing one of those Yeah,

19:24

like the poker guy that we we did

19:26

the video for Like poker

19:29

room, but with comedy

19:31

clubs attached, illegal poker rooms,

19:33

speakeasy. That would

19:35

be fun for about

19:37

two weeks. And then

19:39

you do the two shows, two late shows

19:42

that you never do late shows. And

19:44

you go, it's different. It's go bananas. Two

19:46

late shows. What the end?

19:48

Fucking yesterday after one night of

19:50

two, two shows. yeah.

19:53

Oh, no. Yeah. It's

19:55

like. fifth round of a

19:57

boxing match. Right. You just keep getting jabbed

19:59

in the head and you don't know what

20:01

to do. That's what, you know, that's what

20:03

two shows back to back feel like. And

20:06

I've been, I've been hosting. So I've

20:08

been hosting and bring up junior and then

20:10

I do a little more time and

20:12

I bring up Andy and then I do

20:14

more time at the end. And then

20:16

we were on single show nights and we

20:18

get up and fuck around together. You

20:20

might have the record for being the host,

20:22

guest feature and headliner. But

20:24

we've yeah, we've done that before but

20:26

that's why like bartending in between

20:28

shows back when it wasn't as fucking

20:30

crowd I didn't realize when we're

20:32

selling merch with the one night we

20:35

go We could sell merch over

20:37

there in that corner even though it's

20:39

fucking rockously loud of you know

20:41

cover band doing a fucking 38 special

20:43

song and But

20:45

I didn't know they were charging a cover. So

20:47

we told people to meet us at the bar,

20:49

like we always do for merch, not knowing they

20:52

had to pay $5 just to come in and

20:54

ask for a picture. We should do that, like

20:56

charge $5 to get into our meet and greet

20:58

and then charge you. Dr. Bounty

21:00

bouncer's out there going, what

21:02

were you? That

21:04

was last night where we

21:06

set up in the alley.

21:09

behind the bar, right? And it was that

21:11

last night? Yeah, yeah. A little smoke in

21:13

alley outside the back of the kitchen. I

21:15

go, all right, we can't, it's fucking pouring

21:17

rain every fucking day and miserable for 40

21:19

days. There's no place to stand out there

21:22

that you're not getting water dripping on you.

21:24

said, if you know where I smoke outside

21:26

the kitchen door, the password

21:28

is And you

21:30

just give me a poster

21:32

or a book you mean number

21:34

one number two and And

21:36

then bingo slide it out to

21:39

you and I'll sign it

21:41

stick it under your jacket before

21:43

it gets rained on and

21:45

that was very fun Yeah, that

21:47

was fun. It's like I

21:49

got a selling stolen watches from

21:52

an over it did have

21:54

that feeling of Boot bootleggers selling

21:56

news out of the back

21:58

of a truck. We're not table

22:00

people or more Meet us

22:02

by the dumpster people. I mean

22:04

we had to be honest

22:07

with ourselves But they didn't tell

22:09

us Lisa the waitress who's

22:11

worked here since 1995 It's like

22:13

family here She said that

22:15

they made their record tips like

22:17

ever last night first show

22:20

The most tips they've ever made

22:22

ever in 30 some years

22:24

30 years How about that? But,

22:27

I mean, I guess everything costs more now,

22:29

too. So, $19 .95, a

22:31

$2 tip was deal. that $95,

22:33

they could have retired. Now

22:36

they can't even get a loaf of bread. Adjusted

22:39

for inflation, not the best night

22:41

ever. Still

22:43

Kathy Griffin. Yeah,

22:46

other than that, there's a

22:48

lot of comedy clubs. Heliums, I

22:50

mean, they're fine comedy clubs,

22:53

but you could work every helium

22:55

improv. Well, no, helium's,

22:57

some of them are different. Buffalo's

22:59

and Portland is in a

23:01

green area. They're not all,

23:03

but the ones we work, St. Louis,

23:06

they're in malls.

23:08

Yeah. Cheesecake factory. Yeah, that

23:10

was the best for me is a

23:12

cheesecake factory night because I was I'd

23:14

like to eat dessert, but I don't

23:16

I haven't but they don't desert on

23:18

the road. But there I

23:20

got it. think that might have

23:22

been the, oh no, I did go

23:24

to a cheesecake factory once with

23:26

Betsy Wise because her boyfriend at the

23:28

time was like the general manager.

23:30

So he went there to get probably

23:32

free food and then I stole

23:34

her from him. So

23:37

that was the other time I was at

23:39

a cheese factory. This time I didn't even steal

23:41

the A1 sauce. Yeah, I

23:43

had that. I got a big piece

23:45

of peanut butter, some peanut butter chocolate

23:47

cheesecake. And then I was at the

23:49

merch table and I started to look

23:51

a little willty. So I just started,

23:53

I picked it up. Now, once you

23:55

get it in your hand, you're committed

23:57

because it's chocolate and whipped cream and

23:59

all that. So I just started jamming

24:01

it. And I basically fucked my face

24:03

with a piece of cheesecake in front

24:05

of people. Horrified onlookers.

24:07

I've been on a Google review

24:10

streak of anything that we've placed

24:12

we've stayed or ate or drank

24:14

or Shopped and now that was

24:16

one of the kids I just

24:18

recognized you wearing a Pacers hat

24:20

Indie we were downtown and the

24:23

Pacers were playing the Lakers and

24:25

it was fucking utter chaos and

24:27

then the Pacers lost on a

24:29

last -minute tip in by LeBron and

24:31

Then we were like get the

24:33

fuck out of here. Let's it's

24:36

gonna be a bunch of angry

24:38

sad Pacers that bartender was a

24:40

douche Andy I

24:42

was like I was rooting for the

24:44

Pacers and then Oh, yeah, I asked

24:46

it better if they win or lose

24:48

and he goes, what do you think?

24:50

What do you think? I was a

24:52

legit question I thought maybe people after

24:54

a loss would come in and drink

24:56

pictures of beer and he made it

24:58

sound like it sucks over you. What

25:00

do you think is gonna happen? That's

25:02

why I joined up with the Pacer

25:04

movement. Yeah with this hat. After

25:06

you've been buying so much shit,

25:09

I wrote in one of the reviews,

25:11

and some of them are just

25:13

travel logs. I don't even mention

25:15

what the fuck a business is. Andy's

25:18

spending money like

25:20

a top -drafted rookie

25:22

with suspect knees. You

25:25

buy it every time you come

25:27

into the hotel room. A

25:29

lot of these hotel rooms, we were doing

25:31

three -door room. Because why

25:33

fuck them? It's like the

25:35

beehive joke. But,

25:37

you know, the sweets. They

25:39

put quality in the name so they don't have

25:41

to do it anywhere else. We

25:44

go back 70 bucks a night.

25:46

But yeah, I was on the pullout

25:48

and they had two queen beds.

25:50

And, you know, we needed to get

25:52

to. Grow accustomed to one another's

25:54

company like that 70 bucks a night

25:56

Doug likes a big bar on

25:59

the back of his back. I don't

26:01

know that I can't sleep on

26:03

it But what Joplin the the the

26:05

review about the cat sanctuary the

26:07

cat sanctuary people came after you Oh,

26:09

yeah. First of all...

26:11

First gig, Joplin, Missouri. We went to a

26:13

cat sanctuary. Andy really wanted to

26:15

go. It was a cat cafe, a cat

26:18

lounge. That's what they called it. Yeah, we

26:20

miss our cats. does sound like they sold

26:22

booze and we showed up and there's no

26:24

fucking... There's no one there. It

26:26

says it's open. We're within the hours. Cats

26:28

upset. Why isn't there a place you can

26:30

drink alcohol and pet a cat? I don't

26:32

understand. Like, this is America for real. Well,

26:34

there is. It's called Slab City. First

26:37

of all, I wrote a

26:39

review of shitty that they're

26:41

not open. And

26:43

then some fans say, hey, small

26:45

world. I woke up to

26:47

see this on my Facebook. And

26:49

it was like the owner's

26:51

husband saying, fuck you, Doug Standhope.

26:53

How dare you give us

26:55

a two -star review. That

26:57

woman works mercilessly fucking for

26:59

years and she takes one

27:01

vacation. Well, you put up a

27:03

sign that we're on vacation. Put it on

27:05

your voicemail. We called. There was no fucking sign.

27:08

Yeah. And there was no sign either. There's

27:10

always a rift between the cast, sanctuary

27:12

people. But what happened because of

27:14

that? Because of that, then

27:16

all these other people are saying,

27:18

hey, I know that guy. He's a

27:20

douchebag. They fucking, they just give

27:22

away cats that have like liver failure.

27:24

Yeah. Those are review one start.

27:27

His cat died within five days. And

27:29

they gave a one star review. Why

27:31

don't they, when you watch Hoarders and

27:34

they have 85 cats, why don't they just

27:36

say it's a sanctuary? Yeah,

27:38

yeah. They just have a sunroom and

27:40

have all the cats out there and then

27:42

you could hoard away in the back.

27:44

with that guy and fucking at the quality

27:46

in there was a guy that was

27:48

sitting in his van. Oh,

27:50

we were there for three days

27:52

and just sitting in this,

27:54

I know, work, each vac work

27:57

van, some company metal fabricator

27:59

or something. But he'd just

28:01

sit in his van, an old fat guy. Like,

28:03

if he was outside of a school, he'd call

28:05

the police. He was outside our window,

28:07

though, for real. He'd have his leg

28:09

out of the car, you know,

28:11

and then he's smoking cigarettes. We figured, well, he's

28:13

just out here smoking or whatever. But I... You gotta

28:15

say how he was dressed, though. He had short

28:18

shorts on. Big shorts. And

28:20

yeah, kind of. And I walked up

28:22

and noticed his dick was out. Like

28:24

he had his dick splayed out and

28:26

his leg out. Coming out of his

28:28

shorts. His doors open, his car doors

28:30

open, and he's got his leg out

28:32

where the car doors open and where

28:34

his balls out. Just fishing, just out

28:36

there fishing with his dick out. so

28:38

he took a camera to try to

28:40

get some better shots. Yeah, and then

28:42

I think he tucked his dick, but

28:44

yeah. Well, I don't

28:46

know man. I don't want to

28:48

kink shame somebody but sitting outside

28:50

of an old old man if

28:52

that's how you get your kicks

28:54

and you know good for you,

28:56

but Yeah, we

28:58

we kept trying to take his parking

29:01

spot. So he would have to park

29:03

out. Yeah, he's parked right in front

29:05

of our window. We're on the first

29:07

floor. So I look out the window

29:09

and there is a guy like a

29:11

chain smoking outside of this van window.

29:13

And the guy's not in shape or

29:15

anything. No, he's the you know, he's

29:18

on and off his old fat dude

29:20

in a van in a shady parking

29:22

lot. Yeah, I

29:24

don't know who, you know, what would

29:26

react. Or maybe he just had

29:28

to tan, you know, tan his dick a

29:30

little. I don't know. Oh, my

29:32

God. Yeah, it's been, we've

29:34

been on the road a while. You

29:36

don't even, you know, that guy's faded

29:39

memory. zipper on my pants is starting

29:41

to fucking stretch. Oh, yeah, yeah. I

29:43

had just the... How many fucking pizzas

29:45

have we eaten on this? Have you

29:47

tried instead of saying you're putting on

29:49

weight, just call it yard of gain? Like

29:52

they do in football. Like, oh,

29:54

you can't get the chain there. He

29:56

didn't get it to the yard of gain. We

30:00

ate just in Joplin.

30:03

We ate five pizzas in three

30:05

days. Pineapple pizza. Just because it

30:07

was the closest place. As

30:10

well as like strip mall

30:12

highways where to cross the

30:14

street, you'd have to cross

30:16

six lanes of 45 mile

30:18

an hour traffic or walk

30:20

a mile to a crosswalk. So

30:23

we just ate an old Chicago

30:25

pizza every day and we found our

30:28

favorite. And since then,

30:30

it's just really pizza again. It's

30:32

funny, last night, there was a

30:35

pizza going around in our very

30:37

tiny green room. Junior, Doug, Bingo,

30:39

and Alex were all feeding like

30:41

seagulls on white bread. And

30:43

they saved me. There was a couple of pieces

30:45

left over. And they go, here you go. And I

30:47

go, I can't eat that, garbage. Fat

30:50

shamed a lot of them. Well,

30:53

at least by the time we get to Indy,

30:55

I had somewhere to roam. Zandy

30:57

just disappears like a

30:59

fucking magician like

31:01

Houdini like literally Andy,

31:05

I'm going to grab this bag because

31:07

where did you go? The Uber's here. I

31:09

was just telling you, you were right

31:11

there and now he's disappeared. I do it.

31:13

I do that magic around the house

31:15

at home. My wife's, you know, legally blind.

31:18

And so I stealthily walk down and

31:20

slip out of door rather than announce, hey,

31:22

I'm leaving. So she'll, you know, go

31:24

around the house to the ask and Andy,

31:26

you know, trying to find me. And

31:28

then, oh, I, you know, come back a

31:30

few hours later. Yeah,

31:32

I don't know where I don't

31:35

know where you go, but me

31:37

neither from his wife, I guess

31:39

yeah Yeah, well I have been

31:41

on the spinning spree. I bought

31:43

a hat because I was cold

31:45

and a and a suit because

31:47

I was naked No, I do

31:49

like walking around the mall. There's

31:52

yeah, it's a it's a part

31:54

of my childhood is going to

31:56

the Pony Village Mall in Coos

31:58

Bay and walking. It seemed like

32:00

it was a mile from one

32:02

end to the other. It was

32:04

basically a hundred yards of shitty

32:06

shops, but that's where I broke

32:09

into the business. Junior

32:12

walks on the treadmill. That's

32:14

his walkabout. Yeah. You

32:17

don't have to talk to people, which is

32:19

good. And I

32:21

don't know I like seeing dogs

32:23

and stuff like that, but if

32:25

I don't know I don't know

32:27

I feel it's a fun thing

32:29

I used to not like treadmills,

32:31

but now I do kind of

32:33

because you feel like you're a

32:35

zombie because we your late night

32:38

eating habits are deplorable Terrible you

32:40

last night you ate of a

32:42

ruben of Half a ruben half

32:44

a ruben That was leftover that

32:46

left out and left over you

32:48

guys with your germs Well,

32:50

yeah at some point you're

32:52

like how much should I microwave

32:54

this to kill parasites? Some

32:57

of the some of what junior eats would

32:59

be the kind of stuff I would eat too

33:01

if there was no other food I was

33:04

starved no like I mean like if it's sad

33:06

I mean, you know, you'd have to be

33:08

like I'm I'm either gonna eat this or I'd

33:10

probably die was just a starter

33:12

for him It's

33:15

called a starter. A half of a Ruben

33:17

sandwich that he might as well have taken

33:19

out of the trash then some you had

33:22

a bowl of chili I don't even know

33:24

where the chili came from because there's no

33:26

restaurant. It's an appetizer not an appetizer. And

33:29

then two Pop Tarts. Oh, yeah,

33:31

somebody ate down the pop my Pop

33:33

Tarts came from I'm eating them.

33:35

Don't believe them in front of me,

33:37

but I there did you eat

33:39

those? Okay, so Junior was in

33:42

our room for a short amount of time,

33:44

but apparently he - I didn't take your

33:46

Tarts. I had Pop Tarts. I put some

33:48

in your room and I had Pop Tarts

33:50

in my room when I went to open

33:52

them today. There was just the bottom of

33:54

two of them, like he'd eaten or something,

33:56

a rodent or a possum, possibly. Maybe

33:59

those two Canadian geese broke in and

34:01

ate the date down, but there was no

34:03

goose shit around. But

34:05

I opened it up and there

34:07

were just two crusts. Like, okay,

34:09

yeah, obviously. What do you mean,

34:11

the crust, like the middle? Just

34:13

the butt, like, they were, like,

34:15

if somebody did surgery and cut

34:17

off. All but the feet. We're

34:21

fucking ants when I had to

34:23

clean up and like bingo stuff

34:25

is Andy and bingo are similar.

34:27

They just immediately within minutes of

34:29

checking into a room or just

34:31

have their shit spread out everywhere.

34:34

His has some kind of order.

34:36

Bengos is not. It's just just like.

34:41

Throws it all out willy -nilly. And today there's

34:43

fucking ants. I kept seeing small ants. Did

34:46

you guys see the ants on the counter?

34:48

Oh, yeah, those were on the Reuben. They

34:52

barely got out with

34:54

their life. I just

34:56

tried to tidy up, tried to get

34:58

the fuck out of here at 3 .45

35:00

a .m. for fucking 6 a .m. flight.

35:02

Yeah. and

35:05

hopefully, leave your do not disturb

35:07

on the fucking door, because your room,

35:09

you just walk past you guys'

35:11

room, and you can just smell which

35:13

room you're in by the fucking

35:15

skunk smell of the weed. Yeah, that's

35:17

a real problem. Tell him about

35:19

St. Louis in the green room, mister,

35:22

where it's fucking illegal for you to

35:24

smoke. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, but it

35:26

was cold there too. And so I

35:28

was smoking in the bathroom before

35:30

the show. The green room bathroom, which

35:32

is a phone booth. It's that

35:34

then ran away. He shuts the door,

35:36

even though it's OK to smoke

35:38

anything in the green room. But he

35:40

shuts himself in in a hot

35:42

box as the fucking smoke detector. Yeah,

35:44

it's one of those good ones. That

35:47

actually responds. The one that's

35:49

wired through the entire mall. Yeah.

35:52

The whole mall. What?

35:55

What? Alive

36:01

in the green room. Where

36:05

a fire may or

36:07

may not be happening. And

36:41

it was a urban as

36:43

fuck kitchen. Yeah, nobody was surprised

36:45

at all. Yeah, they're like,

36:47

yeah, that happens. Yeah, I was

36:49

just saying, I just told

36:51

you, was that your motherfucking friend

36:53

doing this shit? I go,

36:55

that's that guy. I

36:59

said, I was just telling Doug,

37:01

I said, I wish white people could be cool

37:03

like this, because the staff was so cool. And

37:05

they're like, where's that white motherfucker smoking movie? Yeah,

37:07

they were the fucking nicest staff at first. And

37:09

then they went to Andy. I was talking to

37:11

him. He goes, yeah, I fucks with him. That

37:13

means that they like you a lot. That

37:17

crazy motherfucker with the bad

37:19

posture. There's nothing more demoralizing than

37:21

the look of fucking eye

37:23

roll from a black waitress that

37:25

has been hearing this alarm

37:27

for fucking 15 minutes, say. Maybe

37:32

they thought they were going to get blamed. That's

37:34

why. All they're going

37:36

to come from my job again. Just

37:39

the fact that it was so

37:41

unnecessary because you know everyone fucking

37:43

burns fucking yeah, found a better

37:45

spot to smoke after that. It

37:47

was just a couple doors down

37:49

Nice little area Yeah, there's been

37:51

a lot of times I'm like

37:54

Andy, can you please just not

37:56

fucking smoke like especially like Airbnb's

37:58

we stayed in that one Raleigh

38:01

and But

38:03

I didn't realize that just

38:05

your weed alone. Yeah, that's

38:07

smoking it stinks like that

38:10

just by having it. Mm

38:12

-hmm. Imagine the discrimination I

38:14

faced I'd go outside to

38:16

smoke a cigarette and I'd

38:18

come back upstairs and then

38:20

all of a sudden this

38:22

thing And his windows open, but

38:24

it only opens this much. Really, I

38:26

was going down to smoke and you

38:28

waited till I left. I'm your parents

38:30

to smoke weed and then try to

38:32

blow it out the fucking door. I

38:34

think that's the half a fun of

38:36

smoking pot, I guess, right? Doing it

38:38

behind people's backs. Well,

38:41

you see, like VRBO, whatever, it's

38:43

like, the reason you can't fuck

38:45

around with Uber is because they

38:47

rate you. So if they give

38:50

you a bad rating, I mean,

38:52

you take Ubers all the time,

38:54

you can dilute a bad review,

38:57

but a occasional VRBO or

38:59

they go, oh, he's skunked

39:01

up the motherfucker. Well,

39:04

yeah, I won't. I'm

39:06

cooler about it than

39:08

some at my Airbnb. If

39:11

somebody was smoking weed, I would

39:13

catch them later and go, uh, here's,

39:15

here's a joint, smoke it out back

39:17

or whatever. You know, I

39:20

wouldn't, it's not something in our

39:22

rules about that. I mean, that

39:24

was very, they had more rules

39:26

than the Appleton comedy, uh, uh,

39:28

condo. I gotta go to your

39:30

airport and your shit. Oh, yeah,

39:32

Doug's gonna be a man. Well,

39:34

I don't know. This morning, I

39:36

spent my early hours looking at

39:38

hotels in Eugene because we're gonna

39:41

have three nights off there. Yeah.

39:43

And I know you probably want

39:45

to have some alone time. Or

39:47

would you rather me be there

39:49

to distract you from your wife?

39:51

I don't pay attention to her.

39:53

So, you know, she's just

39:55

downstairs and I think upstairs a

39:57

lot. Yeah. I know what,

39:59

see, I wouldn't know which part

40:01

of the stairs. I even

40:04

went on your house on Zillow.

40:06

That's a lot of nice

40:08

hardwood, but I go, Oh, which,

40:10

which stairs will I be

40:12

up or down? And like, there's

40:14

a, there's a complete. Entrance

40:17

for the Airbnb. So you could be you

40:19

know, like I like to have the Airbnb guests

40:22

I don't want to look at them because

40:24

I don't want to picture them sitting on the

40:26

toilet that I got to sit on so

40:28

I just try not to even see them but

40:30

she is out the front door saying hello

40:32

when we have a little beep and then she

40:34

goes out the front door like that lady

40:36

in the b -witch that would always watch the

40:38

neighbors and she's oh hi Yeah, she'll go out

40:41

and go oh hi like oh what a

40:43

surprise well We heard the beep when you left

40:45

and then she just timed it your coming

40:47

down the stairs, and I'm sitting there going, oh,

40:49

fuck, here she comes. And then I don't

40:51

want to hear them saying, oh, I'm in town

40:53

for this or anything. It's just fucking Yeah,

40:56

I'm afraid of like, oh, what if I have

40:58

to, you know. eat a Pop -Tart

41:00

in the middle of the night or take a

41:02

dump and then I have to walk in

41:04

and she's standing there like the girl from the

41:06

ring. God, can I help you? Would

41:08

you like a sandwich? Like the grandma

41:11

from Bad Santa. But

41:13

yeah. If you have any food allergies. If

41:16

you have any food allergies, let us know. because

41:19

I'll drive to a store to get

41:21

your special needs food. Yeah, they leave bagels

41:23

out and everything. So if you want

41:25

an Airbnb. not

41:27

how ours operates. That's how

41:29

I want it to operate. But

41:31

my wife makes a full

41:33

slate of breakfasts and then I

41:35

get shit like zucchini casserole

41:37

for dinner because a breakfast

41:39

item. Yeah, these are things

41:42

that I go maybe, I mean at

41:44

that point we will have been like joined

41:46

at the hip except for your excursions

41:48

for three full weeks and maybe, maybe we'll

41:50

both need a break. By alone time.

41:52

But at the same time, I also want

41:54

to film a lot of it. And

41:58

it's not, Andy's house is

42:00

not walkable to anything, but you

42:02

know. Oh yeah, you can

42:04

get, you could run a scooter. That'd

42:09

make good footage for about

42:11

30 yards. Yeah. Yeah,

42:13

yeah, and the bar I used to

42:15

go down the hill to is closed.

42:17

So there's really no escape Yeah, and

42:20

it's the and the weather is miserable

42:22

too. Yeah, I had to take in

42:24

a consideration I would suggest downtown or

42:26

is still that downtown? And there's one

42:28

down the street from that and that's

42:30

right near the train station because we're

42:32

taking the train from Portland so I

42:34

could just cruise over to that place

42:36

and it's near a bar uh and

42:38

it sets all dog shit cheap and

42:41

then I go wait maybe Andy would

42:43

want to fucking yeah I could just

42:45

say that I used to say to

42:47

my parents when I go do drugs

42:49

or whatever I'm going over to my

42:51

friends to listen to records so I'll

42:53

just go oh we're podcasting yeah and

42:55

then we'll listen to records I

43:00

don't know what they open

43:02

the doors at six or

43:04

six thirty. Oh no another

43:06

show Fucking bully in the

43:08

guy in the sky club

43:10

We're in a sky club

43:12

and we're leaving Nashville Nashville

43:14

was a day drinking show

43:17

and that was that was

43:19

fun But yeah, I didn't

43:21

last long Mackenzie showed up

43:23

with her new bow I

43:25

did guy that was the first

43:27

of my string from trying to oh,

43:29

yeah, I have somebody's backpack Yeah,

43:31

yeah, we ended up with an extra

43:34

backpack. You got camel pants.

43:36

I have your backpack Yeah, he has

43:38

a camouflage size for pants and we

43:40

go Oh, it's probably McKenzie's and a

43:42

lot of bottled water said you go,

43:44

okay Well, if you do coke you

43:46

probably have to have a lot of

43:48

bottled water and there's a pair of

43:50

glasses And I know she's occasionally and

43:52

she's like no that wasn't mine All

43:55

right. All right. At some point

43:57

when we're packing up the green room,

43:59

we grab somebody's back, back with

44:01

shit. So whoever it is, you know,

44:05

probably can't see very well. You're talking

44:07

about the guy in the sky

44:09

club that was sitting on his computer.

44:11

Yeah. We walk in the sky

44:13

club and it's pretty empty. And there's

44:15

always that one big table that

44:17

you like a conference table that you

44:19

could write at. And this guy's

44:22

sitting directly in the middle. like

44:24

he's claiming it for himself. And

44:26

punching out on his computer, obviously,

44:28

the stress trying to do work, and

44:31

he's right in the middle of

44:33

the big table, and then Doug sat

44:35

next to him, and he

44:37

said, did you? No, I said, he's

44:39

here, so I said, here. And

44:41

then Andy sat here and then

44:43

I had no Andy set right next

44:45

to him and then junior and

44:47

by the time I got junior because

44:49

they were over watching the game

44:51

and by the time junior sat down

44:53

he just stopped up slam this

44:55

thing shut like you that's like if

44:57

you went to a fucking eight

44:59

top in a restaurant. And

45:02

the families, like families who sit there,

45:04

you don't fucking take up an eight top

45:06

by yourself and expect that you're going

45:08

to get privacy, you fucking cunt. Did you

45:10

see when I was tapping the spoon? Before

45:14

Junior got there, I was tapping the spoon and

45:16

he'd start clicking and then he'd kind of look

45:18

up and then get back to it. happy he

45:20

spent all that money for that Delta Sky Club

45:22

and we fucked him over. Well

45:24

then another guy sat over here after

45:27

that guy stormed off this guy goes Oh,

45:29

thank God. There's an open seat and

45:31

then I just we're trying to scare him

45:33

off with Conversation we became the one

45:35

you hate. Yeah, but I was surely that

45:37

day because of the drug use the

45:39

night before probably but there was a guy

45:41

who sat in a chair directly in

45:43

front of my vision and it was a

45:45

Guy with a muffin top and he

45:47

had leopard yoga pants all squeezed up. I

45:50

remember that guy. He's sitting right fucking

45:52

there. He a front Fupa. Yeah A

45:54

front dude foopa. Yeah, and I was like,

45:56

ah, fuck this. And like, I was that guy

45:58

slamming my computer with disgusting. I

46:00

did not see that. Oh, he had the,

46:02

oh, and the leopard accentuated the foopa like

46:04

perfectly. Yeah, and then he had plates of

46:06

food, and he was like, you know, like,

46:08

God damn it, I'm gonna watch this guy

46:11

eat. Fuck no. Yeah,

46:13

that was day drinking. And

46:15

you ran off with the kids.

46:18

Yeah, I went out. That's

46:20

the drug you were referring to. Junior

46:22

and I were so happy to have

46:24

gone to bed. Yeah, me and Brett

46:26

Brock went downtown. And

46:28

he was driving with all of them.

46:30

Then they go, let us out here.

46:32

Anyway, Brett went to park. And

46:35

he was gone forever. I thought, OK,

46:37

well, he just went home and said, probably

46:39

just as well, you went home. Brett's

46:41

a very animated guy, and he loves to

46:43

tell you about the history of the

46:45

place. And if you're a fan of Nashville

46:47

at all, well, I'm going to show

46:49

you exactly how it works. But when he

46:52

gets drunk, then he becomes

46:54

Brett Brock that talks. And

46:56

that's when we. exercised

47:00

ourself from the equation, but

47:02

Andy, and the last thing I

47:04

texted you while you're out

47:06

with fucking the bird cloud and

47:08

the guy and the bird

47:10

brock, I go, don't you dare

47:12

bring anyone back here, because

47:14

we're a fucking three to a

47:16

room. And I had

47:18

to overrule that. So

47:22

Brett's not at the bar.

47:24

It's about an hour or more.

47:27

And I assume he went home. And then

47:29

he's like, where are you guys? And

47:31

then he finally finds where we are. And

47:33

he can't find his car anymore. Like

47:36

he parked it, lost it, and then went

47:38

looking for it and then found us and had

47:40

no way. So it was like. two in

47:42

the morning or so. And I go, he goes,

47:44

you think I could stay there? And I

47:46

go, yeah, I just got a message about this.

47:48

We're going to have to be pretty quiet. It

47:52

was a two room situation. And

47:54

at some point I woke up early and

47:56

he was up and I went down and

47:58

he goes, I go, yeah, thanks

48:00

for not bringing anyone back. He goes, yeah.

48:04

Brett Brock sleeping in between our beds on

48:06

the floor. Well, not in between. I

48:08

got, you know, I assume Brett was going

48:10

to sleep with me in the bed

48:12

because it's, you know, it was a queen

48:14

size bed, but he, he, you know,

48:16

next I get in the bed and then

48:18

I'm waiting, you know, I've scored a

48:20

dude at the bar, you know, and he

48:22

just curled up on the floor between,

48:24

you know, on the side of my bed

48:26

there. I'll curled up with a, I

48:29

think he got a pillow. I think he asked for a pillow.

48:31

The weird thing is we were

48:33

up for. breakfast like early like

48:35

we're waiting for breakfast to start

48:37

and then you tell me that

48:40

and then we're hanging out downstairs

48:42

at breakfast fucking with the the

48:44

cheerleader moms they're at a cheerleading

48:46

competition so we're doing our old

48:48

gag about pretending we're judges and

48:50

talking openly about how we rig

48:52

these things. It just breaks my

48:54

heart that some of the more

48:56

talented girls just don't have the

48:58

money to pay us. But

49:03

then it's getting towards

49:06

9 AM. When you

49:08

fall asleep, shit

49:10

faced on someone's floor, you're usually up

49:12

about five o 'clock going, ah, fuck,

49:14

I better get my shit. I

49:16

think he couldn't find his car. sleeping

49:18

in. Hey, Lisa,

49:20

no, we're just talking about you. Yeah,

49:23

but he put he found

49:25

his car Several hours after in

49:27

the morning he went to

49:29

the area and it still took

49:31

him a long time to

49:33

find his car so Hey Lisa

49:35

what time did they open

49:37

door six or six thirty? Six

49:41

oh good. All right. It's

49:43

good because we haven't even got

49:45

to creepy Kevin yet. Oh,

49:47

yeah creepy Kevin or yeah pickup

49:50

Oh, yeah. Because we're trying to beat

49:52

the storm out of Nashville. And

49:56

we did. But

49:58

this guy had emailed me, hey,

50:00

you guys can stay at my place

50:03

if you want when you get

50:05

to Raleigh. And I said, oh, thanks,

50:07

you know, all three of us

50:09

really. And he goes, oh, certainly. I

50:11

can fit all three. and

50:14

I'll pick you up from the

50:16

airport and I'll be your oh that's

50:18

that's funny now he said and

50:20

I'll be your dd while you're designated

50:22

driver while you're in town oh

50:24

yeah uh so I said uh no

50:26

no we got hotels at the

50:28

airport but I was afraid if we

50:30

were we missed our flight they

50:32

might cancel our fucking hotel reservation if

50:34

you if we're anyway We're

50:37

moving from the two days off

50:39

at the airport hotel. And we have

50:41

five hours to kill before we

50:43

check into our Airbnb by the club.

50:45

And I go, well, let's hit this

50:47

guy up and hit them some

50:49

thrift stores. And he was

50:51

happy to drive us around. And

50:53

that guy was, you know, God

50:55

bless his troubled life. Which

50:58

we found out every detail. Yeah, we're

51:00

in separate. It's a long story. I

51:02

fucked up the hotels and I booked

51:04

myself in a separate Holiday Inn than

51:06

them at the airport. There's

51:08

a you really and it was

51:10

the 31st, which is funny because Doug

51:12

had the idea, but he didn't.

51:14

It's only funny if you do it

51:16

to April fools us with a

51:18

suicide note that that's why he got.

51:20

And it would have worked because

51:22

I was like, you know, I would

51:24

have worked. You guys probably already

51:27

figured this out why I goofed. on

51:29

the hotels because you saw this

51:31

coming and I didn't want you to

51:33

have to deal with the mess

51:35

but I fucking love you both and

51:37

this has nothing to do with

51:39

you I'm just I still would have

51:41

walked over to his hotel just

51:43

to get a better breakfast I would

51:45

yeah I would have been a

51:47

sad Hooters night for us because Hooters

51:49

was right next door by the

51:51

time we drove what a thousand yards

51:53

to their hotel the guy picked

51:55

me up I'd already heard his entire

51:57

depressing, I got divorced and

51:59

now I'm living alone and I like

52:01

young pussy. That's what he just

52:03

kept falling back. This is five hours

52:06

of this guy talking about. Yeah.

52:08

And I like, I like to

52:10

go down to the university district cause

52:12

there's young pussy down there. I

52:14

don't hate to be an old guy.

52:16

He's our age. that like trying

52:18

to hit on young pussy, but I

52:20

like young pussy. I like to

52:22

play guitar and I really like young

52:24

women, not too young though. It

52:27

just fucking went on like 18. But

52:29

and then he was like, we

52:31

went past was a softball field or

52:33

something. And he's like, see young

52:35

pussy. I like, I like

52:37

to present a handicap like Ted Bundy

52:39

and walk down to the local

52:41

university. He looked

52:43

like a young book.

52:46

but like redded skin and fucking

52:48

blossom nose. Yeah. So yeah.

52:50

And then any woman on the

52:52

thing, he's like, that's how

52:54

I like him or that's, you

52:56

know, it's like, I, yeah. I

52:59

didn't want to. Oh, I like it when he

53:01

would pass a nice lady goes, hello ladies. Yeah. And

53:04

then he shows up at

53:06

the show. Yeah. He didn't even

53:08

have a ticket. He's with

53:10

us at this point. Kevin

53:13

says you're expecting

53:15

him. And I said,

53:17

oh yeah, okay. And then we're

53:19

doing our own shit and he watches

53:21

the show and then we're selling

53:23

merch. He's texting me

53:25

while I'm selling merch. Hey, this

53:28

bartender, she wants to hang out

53:30

with me, but only if she

53:32

knows that I hung out with

53:34

you today. Can you hook a

53:36

brother up, a little help? And

53:38

I don't even see these till later

53:40

on because Julie Seaball was there. It's

53:43

funny because we're doing, Junior's been

53:45

doing like a goofy thing with

53:47

us at the end where he

53:49

does right wing Mitch Hedberg. And

53:51

I forgot, Julie Seaball was at

53:53

the show with Brian Malo filming

53:55

the Hedberg documentary. So then

53:57

we go immediately from merch to

53:59

filming stuff in the green room,

54:01

just a casual conversation. And then

54:03

he's like, you suck for ignoring

54:06

me. Like I'll just drunk and

54:08

misspelled and not punctuated. The best

54:10

part though is, so he's over

54:12

there talking to the waitress or

54:14

whatever. And then. And then

54:16

he, he's over there and a way, well,

54:18

some of the staff come lean through the

54:20

merch line. I think it was a lady

54:22

that worked there, but a lady comes up

54:25

and she leans in and she goes, I

54:27

just wanted, and I thought she was like,

54:29

okay. Like I thought that, and then she

54:31

goes, no, I wanted to tell you, don't

54:33

get in a car with Kevin. Don't

54:35

get in a car. He kissed her right

54:38

in the lips. I kissed her on the lips.

54:40

She was leaning in like it was going

54:42

to be like a friendly pack. Yeah. I didn't

54:44

put a tongue down her throat or anything.

54:46

And then I heard that from several other people.

54:48

Don't get in the car. Yeah, that lady

54:50

came up to me, too. Our

54:52

designated driver was a shit

54:54

-faced. I

54:56

assume he hooked up with some young

54:58

women and got a ride home. He should

55:00

have hooked up with that. There's

55:03

a Hooters right next to their

55:05

holiday in there. Andy,

55:08

we got in late. I was fucking.

55:10

just trashed. That's when they told me, well,

55:12

you're not at this holiday and I

55:14

have a reservation for one but not and

55:16

I'm like, ah. Fuck, I fucked up.

55:18

I was a Holiday Inn, Holiday Inn Express

55:20

next door to each other. And then

55:22

I'm trying to fix it, but it's late

55:24

at night and I'm drunk and they

55:26

put me on the phone with a robot

55:28

and I'm like, I'll just go to

55:30

the other fucking Holiday Inn. I can't figure

55:32

this out. But he went to Hooters

55:34

his. to Hooters, it was still open. And

55:37

I had like 15, I had just

55:39

enough time to go up and order,

55:41

but it was so, it gave me

55:43

a bad taste. Not the

55:45

food. I mean the food did

55:47

too, but just there was a

55:49

couple there was a lady working

55:51

the bar and Bending over and

55:53

doing all the stuff you do

55:55

to close when you work at

55:58

Hooters, you know, everything's on the

56:00

bottom shelf She got a bend

56:02

over but there's a couple and

56:04

the lady says and when she

56:06

bent over she goes enjoy that

56:08

nice tight snatch and asshole or

56:10

but you're but while you're young

56:12

yeah while you're young like she's like

56:14

what and then her husband's back

56:17

there leaning likes his wife just said

56:19

answered a trivia question or something

56:21

and she didn't and the waitress didn't

56:23

hear it and said what and

56:25

she said it again yeah and then

56:27

the waitress says oh you guys

56:29

flatter me or whatever but the waitress

56:31

said you told me the waitress

56:33

said what and she goes enjoy your

56:35

nice yeah yeah yeah she didn't

56:38

even like So, wow, I shouldn't have

56:40

said that, and I had a

56:42

reprieve. No, double down. But the bartender,

56:44

she's just, I think they put

56:46

up with whatever until their tip, you

56:48

know, probably said that fucking perverted

56:50

couple when they left, but didn't say

56:52

it until they got the tip

56:54

out or whatever. But yeah,

56:56

I went back. Yeah, that's where

56:59

a creepy chem needs to find that

57:01

lady. Yeah. Don't go after the

57:03

young Hooters girl. It's like old Hinty.

57:05

Well, that's the thing. It's like

57:07

a guy who looks. I mean, you

57:09

know, unless that guy has a

57:11

million dollars, he's not going to find

57:13

the women he seems to be

57:15

into without paying for it. So that's

57:17

what I would say to him

57:19

is like, you're an ugly fucking dude

57:21

with negative stories and you're kind

57:23

of a shithead. So settle down. I

57:26

just had some things.

57:30

A dyke. Yeah. A

57:33

local comic in Indy.

57:35

His name is Dyke. Unfortunately,

57:39

but he brought us a bottle.

57:41

I should have brought it here

57:43

to put it up brought us

57:45

a bottle of local gin with

57:47

a cool ass label that I'm

57:49

still humping around We were fucking

57:51

couldn't find Bibles stolen hotel Bibles

57:54

for the whole beginning of this

57:56

tour and then last night a

57:58

guy dropped off eight of them

58:00

and we and Andy our

58:02

hotel now, Andy's been pilfering and

58:04

following the main cards. And

58:07

as soon as they open a door

58:09

to fucking clear it out and they

58:11

move on, he goes in. So now

58:13

we have fucking 18 Bibles. Before

58:15

we had Bibles, we were going for

58:17

the $100 in Nashville because we only had

58:19

two. Yeah. Now we have 18. It

58:21

was a fire sale because we got to

58:23

fly tomorrow. I'm not carrying a fucking. Rack

58:26

of books. Oh man, but what a way if

58:28

the plane goes down? We'd

58:31

have a Bible handy and

58:33

and the guy is so

58:35

funny because Andy started talking

58:37

about it the the story

58:39

from years ago Where I

58:41

had a rental van here

58:43

and we got iced in

58:46

an ice storm And

58:49

you couldn't get a cab. It's just

58:51

everything like coated with ice. So no

58:53

cabs and it's like three in the

58:55

morning in the kitchen. It's like, sorry

58:57

guys, I get to shut down. So

58:59

we were forced to have a, we

59:01

found the soberest person of us. There

59:04

were two people that had walked out

59:06

of the show that were trapped too.

59:08

So they had walked out of the

59:10

show and now they're counting on us

59:12

to speak to it. So the soberest

59:14

girl available, I let her drive and

59:16

slid right. threw the

59:18

fucking red light immediately out of

59:20

this complex and T bones of

59:23

BMW and Andy starts riffing on

59:25

that story going somewhere else. And

59:27

that guy was here. He's like,

59:29

oh, it was the guy. I

59:31

was the guy. Remember? He's

59:33

a salesman. Yeah. Yeah. No, I knew

59:36

that. I mean, I said salesman and

59:38

he goes, yeah, that's what

59:40

I that's how I told the story.

59:42

I get a coked up salesman

59:44

in a beamer. Hey,

59:47

Lisa, we just we're

59:49

just upset that you

59:51

said we broke gratuity

59:53

records all time. That's

59:56

after you count out the 8 % for us.

1:00:01

We work for the IRS see

1:00:03

all right, let's just wrap it

1:00:06

up Yeah, we got a

1:00:08

show to do here. Yeah Yeah, we

1:00:11

got to get our drink on

1:00:13

Yeah, fuck it. That's enough Is

1:00:17

there anything that you had footage of

1:00:19

that we didn't address that you wanted

1:00:21

to oh Yeah, well, I mean it's

1:00:23

not really much, but I did dose

1:00:25

some Canadian geese with a pot cookie.

1:00:28

Oh Yeah, follow Doug's Google

1:00:30

reviews. Yes, the Google reviews you

1:00:34

to follow the tour I'm sure

1:00:36

there's a way you can just

1:00:38

click on my profile And just

1:00:40

he needs the points he wants

1:00:42

to be diamond Google reviewer medallion

1:00:45

We have one more show and then we're

1:00:47

flying to Portland. This won't be - Portland,

1:00:49

Oregon. Won't be out in time, but

1:00:51

it should be out in time to plug

1:00:53

Atlanta dates, plug any dates. People think

1:00:56

I'm dead and that might be my fault

1:00:58

for randomly leaving. obituaries

1:01:00

and local papers just to see if

1:01:02

I get any You should come out shaking

1:01:04

like you had the Mario Kart Diaries.

1:01:06

Oh, the other night, we've been starting to,

1:01:08

are y 'all ready for this? Boom, boom,

1:01:10

boom. Really loud announcements and then Doug

1:01:12

went, I saw him in the showroom and

1:01:14

then he disappeared and then that music

1:01:16

playing and we keep assuming Doug's going up

1:01:18

there, but he didn't. It just kept

1:01:21

playing over and over. Well, they

1:01:23

told me we're starting late, so I

1:01:25

don't know that that means 90 seconds

1:01:27

late. Yeah, yeah. But so when they

1:01:29

were about the fourth time through, I

1:01:31

looked out over here and didn't see

1:01:33

you. And then I went, like,

1:01:35

maybe you died. Like, maybe

1:01:37

you dropped dead in the back. I

1:01:40

keep telling people that someone on

1:01:42

this tour or associated with this tour

1:01:44

will be dead by the end

1:01:46

of the 2025 tour. Could be you.

1:01:48

Could be Chad. Could be me. Could

1:01:51

be Bingo's a long shot. Could be

1:01:53

your driver, Kevin. Junior

1:01:55

would just maybe break a

1:01:57

little sooner at those fucking red

1:01:59

lights. They old

1:02:01

man hold the fucking seats

1:02:03

sometimes. I'm the worst backseat

1:02:05

driver. I I know. Well,

1:02:07

we'll, we'll save up our fucking,

1:02:10

uh, our personal pet peeves as we

1:02:12

annoy each other more and more. Uh,

1:02:15

but But so far so good. Hey,

1:02:17

thanks. And, uh, Check check out the

1:02:19

tour dates and let people know we

1:02:21

gotta go.