0:02

Welcome to the Hello Someday

0:04

podcast. The podcast for busy women

0:06

who are ready to drink less

0:08

and live more. I'm Casey McGuire

0:10

Davidson, ex-read wine girl turned life

0:12

coach helping women create lives they

0:15

love without alcohol. But it wasn't

0:17

that long ago that I was

0:19

anxious, overwhelmed, and drinking a bottle

0:21

of wine a night to unwind.

0:24

I thought that wine was the

0:26

clue, holding my life together. helping

0:28

me cope with my kids, my

0:30

stressful job, and my busy life.

0:33

I didn't realize that my love

0:35

affair with drinking was making me

0:37

more anxious and less able to

0:39

manage my responsibilities. In this podcast,

0:41

my goal is to teach you

0:43

the tried and true secrets of

0:46

creating and living a life you

0:48

don't want to escape from. Each

0:50

week, I'll bring you tools, lessons,

0:52

and conversations to help you drink

0:54

less and live more. I'll teach

0:56

you how to navigate our drinking

0:59

obsessed culture without a buzz. How

1:01

to sit with your emotions when

1:03

you're lonely or angry, frustrated

1:05

or overwhelmed. How to self-sooth

1:07

without a drink and how

1:10

to turn the decision to

1:12

stop drinking from your worst

1:14

case scenario to the best

1:16

decision of your life. I am so

1:18

glad you're here. Now let's get started.

1:21

Hey there, it's Casey. I have

1:23

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1:25

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there. Hi there.

2:53

Today we are talking about

2:55

navigating the challenges of a

2:57

blended family as a step

2:59

mom. My guest is Cameron

3:02

Norman. She's the CEO of

3:04

Step Family Solutions and the

3:06

host of the Step Mom

3:08

Diaries podcast through her coaching

3:10

courses, magazine. and events. She's

3:13

helped thousands of step moms

3:15

and step families navigate their

3:17

blended family lives. She also

3:19

runs the Premier Step Family

3:21

Coach Academy, which certifies Step

3:23

Family Coaches through research and

3:26

expert backed curriculum. She's been

3:28

featured on CBS Los Angeles,

3:30

the CW Austin, and in

3:32

the cut, business insider, CNet,

3:35

Kippliers, Gary Mommy, and the

3:37

Today parenting team. So Cameron,

3:39

welcome. Thank you. I'm excited

3:41

to be here. Yeah, I'm excited too.

3:44

I mentioned to you before

3:46

we jumped on that I've

3:49

definitely heard from my audience

3:51

who are step moms or

3:54

in blended families who are

3:56

challenged sometimes in navigating that

3:59

whole experience. Because I know it

4:01

comes with a lot of joys, but also

4:03

a lot of challenges. Absolutely, it

4:05

can be. It's super fulfilling because

4:07

you've like found your person, right? But

4:09

then there are all these other complications

4:12

that you don't expect. And I think

4:14

one of the things that I hear

4:16

most from the step moms and step

4:18

families I work with is like, hey,

4:20

we figured that it would be hard, but

4:22

we just had no idea. Well, will you

4:24

share with us what? are a few of

4:26

the things that are really hard

4:29

that either surprise people or they

4:31

don't think it'll be as difficult

4:33

as they imagined. Yeah, absolutely. And

4:35

I'll use some of my experience

4:37

as to reference. So I mean,

4:39

I think one of the biggest

4:42

things is you hear this term instant

4:44

family, right? Like you're marrying

4:46

or moving in with someone who

4:48

has kids and like I guarantee so

4:51

many. step families like the first thing

4:53

that they're friends and family will say

4:55

is like, oh, you're getting an instant

4:57

family. And so even though they might

5:00

think that things would be challenging, there

5:02

is sort of in the back of

5:04

their head, like, okay, so I have

5:06

this instant family, like we're gonna, at

5:08

least in my case, I had grown

5:11

up with divorced parents. I kind of

5:13

knew what a high conflict divorce and

5:15

step family looked like. And I sort

5:17

of figured I knew what to expect.

5:19

I had no idea. And getting into

5:21

it like I had these visions of

5:23

like we're going to do family game

5:25

nights and I'm going to make this

5:27

amazing like Martha Stewart level Thanksgiving dinner

5:29

and it'll be awesome and you know

5:32

some of the things that I found

5:34

that I think a lot of the

5:36

step moms I work with also have

5:38

found is that you know the kids may

5:40

like you but they may not be excited or

5:43

there and that's kind of a

5:45

hard. feeling to experience because

5:47

if you're like me, I mean,

5:49

I'm like, what do you mean? Why

5:51

don't you like me? Like, I'm

5:53

nice and and your partner's ex,

5:56

the kid's mom may not be

5:58

excited. You're there and And even

6:00

if their relationship is not high

6:02

conflict, it's complicated, right? Like, she

6:04

may feel threatened by you as

6:07

a stepparent. And I say this

6:09

to step moms all the time,

6:11

and they're like, but how could

6:13

she feel threatened? She's mom. And

6:15

I'm like, because that's the nature

6:17

of this relationship. It is another

6:19

person coming into your child's life.

6:21

In an ideal world, mom would

6:23

be super excited about another person

6:26

that loves the kids, right? It's

6:28

also it also feels a little

6:31

threatening. You add in any kind of

6:33

high conflict situation and that's

6:35

another big challenge that a

6:37

lot of people don't expect.

6:39

Like how can my partner's ex

6:42

hate me? She doesn't even know

6:44

me. Well, it doesn't matter. Yeah.

6:46

So I mean, there are just

6:48

there are a lot of different

6:50

things that come up that I

6:52

think step moms and step parents

6:54

just really don't expect when they

6:57

get into blended family life. And

6:59

I think even when you don't

7:01

necessarily expect it to be all

7:03

roses and unicorns, you sometimes don't

7:05

expect some of the complications that

7:07

can come up. I mean, even

7:09

little things like I was surprised that

7:11

it was so hard to get the kids

7:14

school to put me on emails and it.

7:16

That kind of stuff happens with like

7:18

schools and doctors offices and you

7:20

may be having you may have

7:22

the kids full-time as a step

7:24

mom or even 50% of the

7:26

time and taking them to all

7:28

kinds of appointments and just

7:31

like Being part of that process

7:33

can be really hard to get

7:35

the providers to like add you

7:37

in Why would they struggle with that?

7:40

Since you're married to the father

7:42

is that is that an issue? Some

7:44

of it is just the way

7:46

that their rules are structured.

7:48

So like when my husband and

7:50

I got married, he went ahead

7:52

as soon as we got married

7:55

and did the power of attorney

7:57

so that I never had to

7:59

worry about. being able to pick

8:01

the kids up from school or

8:03

taking them to the doctor's appointments.

8:06

But as a step parent, your

8:08

better word to do anything with

8:10

the kids in terms of taking

8:12

them to appointments or you're kind

8:14

of rights with the kids. All

8:16

of that comes from your spouse.

8:18

Like you don't have rights with the

8:21

kids. You don't have a right to

8:23

go pick them up from school. And

8:25

so, you know, if a school or doctor's

8:27

office has rules in place, And

8:29

sometimes teachers may just be, they may

8:32

know mom and dad and they just

8:34

may be used to emailing them and

8:36

they're not, they don't remember to email

8:38

you. There may not be any kind

8:41

of malintent. It's just sort of

8:43

the structure of the situation. Yeah,

8:45

absolutely. So in that case, maybe the

8:47

power of attorney is a good, is

8:49

a good solution to take away some

8:51

part of that. I mean, I think it's

8:53

smart. I never really had to like

8:56

get it out and show anybody. but

8:58

I think it's a good thing to

9:00

have just for some peace of mind

9:02

and all of those things over time

9:05

can contribute to step

9:07

moms feeling a little less than

9:09

and I don't know having that

9:11

having the power of attorney

9:14

maybe just helps a little bit

9:16

with that. What about if you come

9:18

in with your own children?

9:20

I could assume that that

9:22

would be even more challenging

9:24

in terms of how you

9:26

treat your children versus your

9:28

stepchildren? Do they get along

9:30

your new partner disciplining versus

9:33

you disciplining? Like when you're

9:35

working with step moms, how

9:37

does that play out or

9:39

what are some of the

9:41

biggest hurdles? Oh, yeah, absolutely.

9:43

That's that's a challenge and

9:45

it is it's something that

9:47

you really have to navigate carefully when

9:50

you're both bringing kids in because

9:52

especially if the kids don't get along

9:54

and that can be really challenging. But

9:56

you mentioned discipline and I think that

9:58

that's an interesting point to talk a

10:00

little bit about because one of the

10:02

other things I hear from step moms

10:04

a lot, whether they are bringing kids

10:06

in or not, but we'll take, let's

10:08

take the childless and then I can

10:10

talk about when they bring kids in,

10:12

but for the step mom who comes

10:14

in without her kids, a lot of

10:16

times you'll hear like, oh, I just

10:18

want some order in my house and

10:20

these kids are used to doing whatever

10:23

they want, but mom's house or that

10:25

they did whatever they want before I

10:27

was in the And they have these

10:29

sort of very definite opinions about discipline.

10:31

And what I would say is

10:33

like figuring out the rules that

10:35

you want to have in your own house

10:38

is great, but it needs to be

10:40

your partner who disciplines the

10:42

kids like step parents should never

10:44

come in and be a disciplinarian

10:46

until they have a really

10:48

solid bond established with the kid.

10:51

It just does not go well. And

10:53

that can feel weird for their partner

10:55

because their partner may feel like, oh,

10:57

I have to always be the bad

10:59

cop. That's not fair. Sorry, it's not

11:01

fair. But that is if you want a chance

11:03

at being able to establish a

11:05

bond between the stepparent and the

11:07

child, they should not engage in

11:09

any kind of discipline. Now, when

11:12

you're both bringing kids into the

11:14

situation, it can be challenging,

11:16

right? Because you parent different kids

11:18

parent differently, and you kind

11:20

of have to. sort

11:22

of accept that in your household.

11:25

So like, if you're coming in

11:27

with a child who is used

11:29

to, they have wheat bread on their

11:31

sandwiches for lunch and that's

11:33

all they have. And then your

11:36

partner's child is allowed to have

11:38

whatever bread they want. You're

11:40

gonna, that's gonna be a

11:42

different decision for each kid

11:44

and it's gonna be based on how

11:46

you each parent. The discipline thing

11:49

can get. complicated because

11:51

you're all in the same household, but

11:53

it really should be the parent who's

11:55

doing the discipline to allow the stepparent

11:57

the time and space to bond with

11:59

the kid, if that makes sense.

12:02

Yeah, absolutely. And I know

12:04

that between myself and my

12:06

husband, we've been married 22

12:08

years, but with our own

12:10

kids, we have different expectations

12:12

of the kids. We have different

12:15

levels of letting things go, especially

12:17

when they were younger. I'm pretty

12:19

laid back and he's way more

12:22

rigid in his expectations. of how

12:24

often the kids will watch the

12:27

iPad and how helpful they'll be

12:29

and all that kind of stuff

12:31

and we get tense about it

12:34

and annoyed with each other. Oh

12:37

yeah, totally. And it's hard for kids

12:39

to understand that too. I mean,

12:41

I can't tell you how many

12:43

times like the, one of the

12:45

younger kids would be like, well,

12:47

I don't understand why I can't

12:49

stay up until 10 o'clock because

12:51

she's staying up till 10 o'clock

12:53

and it's like, she's five years

12:55

older than you are. So like,

12:57

yes, sorry, she has different

12:59

rules. And you do, I mean, I think

13:01

whether you're a stepparent

13:03

or biological parent or a

13:06

different things. And I think

13:08

with a step family that's

13:10

the only difference is that

13:12

it's different roles kind of

13:14

based on the parent. Yeah, yeah,

13:16

absolutely. And I can imagine I

13:18

mean, bringing a family

13:20

together involves every every piece

13:23

of. something that could cause

13:25

conflict, right? You've got financial

13:27

arrangements with someone who used

13:29

to be married to someone

13:31

else that maybe is taking

13:33

away from your own income

13:35

and ability to spend money.

13:37

I've heard that from various

13:39

step moms that the alimony

13:41

money is a point of.

13:44

resentment possibly, especially if they're

13:46

coming in without their own

13:48

alimony, the kids not getting

13:50

along, the kids resenting you

13:52

and sort of disrespecting you.

13:54

I've heard that that's a big

13:56

issue and also like the relationship

13:59

with your spouse and their

14:01

expectations about how you're going

14:03

to treat their kids and vice

14:05

versa? Yes, all of the above. And

14:07

I would say like with the spouse, I

14:10

mean, the best thing that you

14:12

can do if you're marrying someone

14:14

with kids and either you don't

14:16

have kids or you're both bringing

14:18

kids in is to sit down and have

14:21

some really honest, really open conversations

14:23

as early as possible about all

14:25

of those things, right? Like the

14:28

finance piece you mentioned is hugely

14:30

important. I mean, I think a lot

14:32

of people, but may not even be

14:34

that step mom is resenting that her

14:36

spouse has to pay alimony. It may

14:39

be that like in the divorce decree,

14:41

a lot of stuff isn't necessarily addressed,

14:43

right? Like who's gonna buy cell phones?

14:45

Who's gonna pay for cars or

14:47

insurance or who's gonna pay for college?

14:50

And so when that stuff kind of

14:52

comes down the pike, What is the step-parent's

14:54

responsibility? Like, do they feel an obligation to

14:56

help cover any of that stuff? Do they

14:58

not want to cover any of that stuff?

15:01

How are they going to handle blending finances?

15:03

Are they going to blend finances? I mean,

15:05

there are just so many questions. And I

15:07

think having some of those upfront conversations

15:10

around finances and what you're

15:12

envisioning your life together is going to

15:14

look like, it's a lot different than...

15:16

when a first family is coming

15:18

together, right? Like there are just so

15:20

many complicating factors that

15:22

first families don't necessarily

15:25

have. Yeah, and is that the right

15:27

terminology? Talk to me about the terminology

15:29

that we should, or that you think

15:31

we should be using about the

15:34

stepmother blended family, all of

15:36

that first families you mentioned.

15:38

I actually hadn't heard that

15:40

term before. Yeah, I think it's

15:42

it's a little bit of a term of

15:44

art in the step family space just because

15:46

it's that is I mean first family is

15:48

sort of what if you're in a first

15:51

way first husband kind of right like if

15:53

you're in a step family like there was

15:55

a first family but yeah I mean I

15:58

think that's that's at least how I refer

16:00

to it now for my friends

16:02

that have been married for 25

16:04

years and that's their only spouse

16:06

like I don't know that I

16:08

would call them a first family

16:10

it's really only in the context

16:12

of if you're but if you're

16:14

comparing the two then yes it's

16:16

a first family and they have

16:18

different dynamics than a step family

16:20

does in terms of it's interesting

16:22

with some of the terminology around

16:25

step families because I know there

16:27

are some step moms that really

16:29

don't want to be called step

16:31

mom they want to be called

16:33

bonus mom I don't know that

16:35

I really care I really care

16:37

I mean for my own We

16:39

kind of have tried out both

16:41

at the beginning when Craig and

16:43

I first were engaged and I

16:45

don't know that I really had

16:47

a strong preference either way. I

16:49

mean, I think there's obviously a

16:51

little bit of a, there's a

16:53

little bit of a subtext around

16:55

Step Mom, I think, thanks Disney,

16:57

with like the evil Step Mom

16:59

and all of that. I mean,

17:02

I hope that some of that

17:04

will fade. You mentioned that going

17:06

in to a relationship at the

17:08

beginning. It's both really important to

17:10

work out with your spouse, what

17:12

the agreements are, what the expectations

17:14

are between the two of you,

17:16

between parenting, between finances, and then

17:18

again, it's important to give yourself

17:20

time to bond with your stepchildren.

17:22

Do you have sort of a...

17:24

since you're a coach, a format

17:26

or a template or things that

17:28

you recommend are part of that

17:30

discussion or those best practices? Yeah,

17:32

for sure. And I will say

17:34

it's sort of two things can

17:37

be true. I think it's really

17:39

important to have those conversations. I

17:41

also think very few people do.

17:43

And so by the time people

17:45

find me, they're like knee deep

17:47

in the muck of it all

17:49

and they're like, oh my God,

17:51

my life is miserable, I'm crying

17:53

on the bathroom floor every night,

17:55

like I'm overwhelmed, I'm emotional, I

17:57

don't understand how this took over

17:59

my life. And so it's. And

18:01

it and not having those conversations

18:03

is not the only thing that

18:05

has gotten them to that place

18:07

but I think it's important to

18:09

have them up front but if

18:11

you haven't had them up front

18:14

which I would say probably like

18:16

85% of step families just don't

18:18

and that number is not based

18:20

on anything other than like anecdotal

18:22

evidence but it's not too late

18:24

to have a lot of those

18:26

conversations and so where I usually

18:28

start with. a step mom is

18:30

I'll I'll have her talk to

18:32

me and I can you know

18:34

give her worksheets and stuff to

18:36

talk through like what did you

18:38

think step family life was going

18:40

to look like when you became

18:42

a step mom like what what

18:44

did you imagine and what is

18:46

it actually looking like and let's

18:49

talk about the difference and let's

18:51

grieve the difference because like it's

18:53

okay to be upset that things

18:55

aren't looking like you thought they

18:57

were going to look and acknowledging

18:59

that and kind of sitting with

19:01

that for a minute makes it

19:03

a little easier to move past

19:05

that and then to talk then

19:07

to have some of the conversations

19:09

about like, okay, this isn't what

19:11

I thought it was going to

19:13

look like. These are the things

19:15

that we're not communicating about that

19:17

need to be addressed. These are

19:19

the things I'm seeing with my

19:21

relationship with the stepkids. These are

19:23

the things I'm seeing with the

19:26

X and then kind of working

19:28

through, whether those are issues you

19:30

can actually impact, or if there

19:32

are issues that you need to

19:34

kind of figure out what's in

19:36

your control and let go of

19:38

some of the rest. Or if

19:40

there's a time when you need

19:42

to sort of say, I'm going

19:44

to set some boundaries and take

19:46

a step back and let some

19:48

of this go. Yeah, and I

19:50

can imagine that as you're bringing

19:52

that to your partner there would

19:54

be a certain amount of defensiveness

19:56

on their side and on your

19:58

side because it's difficult right in

20:01

all the way around 100% and

20:03

nine times out of the 10

20:05

out of the partner feels really

20:07

guilty about all of it because

20:09

they know you're having a hard

20:11

time and they, especially if they've

20:13

got a high conflict X that's,

20:15

you know, causing a lot of

20:17

problems, they feel bad about that

20:19

because they're kind of feeling like,

20:21

oh my gosh, I met this

20:23

person. I'm so in love with

20:25

her and we've got this great

20:27

relationship, but I have brought her

20:29

into this situation that is pure

20:31

chaos and like, I feel, they

20:33

feel bad about that. And I

20:35

think having that kind of expectations

20:38

conversation conversation conversation, a step-parent sort

20:40

of having that internal dialogue, but

20:42

then also posing that question to

20:44

their spouse, like, hey, when we

20:46

were getting married, what did you

20:48

think this was all going to

20:50

look like? What did you think

20:52

my role was going to look

20:54

like? How did you think this

20:56

was going to go? And then

20:58

both of you talking about like

21:00

how different it may be and

21:02

kind of bring a little closure

21:04

to that and then you can

21:06

kind of move on and deal

21:08

with like what's actually what's happened.

21:10

Yeah that's a great suggestion and

21:13

it's also sort of an easier

21:15

way to broach the subject versus

21:17

coming in with the issues you're

21:19

experiencing. Totally because it's it it

21:21

helps keep them from they are

21:23

I mean it is defensive if

21:25

you come in and you say

21:27

these are the 10 things that

21:29

are happening that are making me

21:31

crazy. That's probably not gonna go

21:33

well. It's just from a communication

21:35

standpoint, it's much better to come

21:37

in with like, things are just

21:39

like, can we have a conversation

21:41

about things just look really different

21:43

than I thought they were going

21:45

to? And I don't know, I

21:47

love Julie and John Gottman, I

21:50

don't know if you're familiar with

21:52

them, but they have done a

21:54

lot of, yeah, they've done all

21:56

the research on conflict and relationships,

21:58

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22:00

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22:02

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22:04

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22:51

Get ready to sleep well and

22:53

feel great. Yeah, I've had a

22:55

couple of different conversations that hit

22:57

on the work the Gottmans do,

22:59

and I also interviewed someone who

23:02

is both a Gottman therapist, but

23:04

also well-versed in marriages after a

23:06

partner. quits an addictive substance or

23:08

stops drinking or whatever. And it's

23:10

really interesting because a lot of

23:12

women listening to this or either

23:14

have quit drinking are trying to

23:16

or are sober curious. And I

23:18

think any kind of conflict or

23:20

resentment or stress overwhelm is a

23:22

trigger to tune out. by drinking.

23:24

And when you're talking about someone

23:26

sort of crying on the floor,

23:28

I know that another way that

23:30

some women deal with this is

23:32

to drink a bottle of wine.

23:34

And then there may be conflict

23:37

around that with your spouse as

23:39

well. Oh 100% 100% and I

23:41

think there's a lot that can

23:43

happen in step family life that

23:45

can be triggering in many different

23:47

ways and the sense of sort

23:49

of perpetual overwhelm and a lot

23:51

of step moms can feel like

23:53

they've sort of lost their identity

23:55

and I think that that can

23:57

be a trigger too because it's

23:59

like you settle down with this

24:01

person and use them at the

24:03

love of your life. You're so

24:05

happy, but you're so desperately trying

24:07

to make it all work and

24:09

hold it all together and be

24:11

the perfect step mom and measure

24:14

up to what you think it

24:16

is that you're supposed to be

24:18

doing. I mean, I know our

24:20

first year of step family life.

24:22

I was so perpetually stressed, just

24:24

like trying to make sure that

24:26

I showed up at every practice,

24:28

every practice, through the perfect. Pinterest-perfect

24:30

birthday parties with the themes and

24:32

the things and and Craig told

24:34

me over and over again he's

24:36

like the kids don't expect like

24:38

these Pinterest board birthday parties like

24:40

you're being a little over the

24:42

top here don't you think and

24:44

I'm like no no it has

24:46

to be perfect like I put

24:49

so much pressure on myself and

24:51

ultimately like that's not sustainable and

24:53

can trigger you for all kinds

24:55

of different things if that's a

24:57

sensitive area. Well I know from

24:59

my experience as a parent the

25:01

other thing that is triggering about

25:03

that is when your kids are

25:05

not grateful and appreciative of all

25:07

the effort you put out there.

25:09

I mean, kids are tough sometimes.

25:11

It's humbling, depending on, I mean,

25:13

I think no matter what age

25:15

they are, trying to connect with

25:17

them, trying to do the right

25:19

thing. And at every age, kids

25:21

can decide to push you away.

25:23

But when you put in that

25:26

amount of effort, that's difficult as

25:28

well. And it's hard when you

25:30

don't have that biological tie to

25:32

them, right? So like that rejection

25:34

feels even more acute. And I

25:36

mean, I have to remind step

25:38

parents all the time, like if

25:40

they do something and it's not

25:42

appreciated, it's like. Is that an

25:44

issue because of the step family

25:46

dynamic or is that an issue

25:48

because of the kids age? Like

25:50

if you're dealing with a 13

25:52

year old, I'm sorry, they're not

25:54

going to say thank you. They're

25:56

going to like grunt at you

25:58

and like go to their room.

26:01

That's probably an age situation. There

26:03

may be some step family stuff

26:05

in there too that exacerbates it.

26:07

Sure. But like you have to

26:09

really kind of understand that like

26:11

kids are hard and they're not.

26:13

as an adult coming into it,

26:15

especially if you don't have your

26:17

own kids, you may sort of

26:19

assume that all of this effort

26:21

is going to be appreciated. And

26:23

it may be appreciated, but it

26:25

may not be recognized. Yeah, yeah,

26:27

yeah, you have to kind of,

26:29

how old were the kids in

26:31

your family when you came into

26:33

their lives? Yeah, they, I have

26:36

four step kids. They were eight

26:38

to 14 when we got married.

26:40

Yeah, yeah. And so I assume

26:42

you've worked with people who have

26:44

come in when the children were

26:46

toddlers and also when they were

26:48

further along in high school. I

26:50

know from being a parent that's

26:52

a very different workload in terms

26:54

of there's the time when you

26:56

are just the chauffeur driving them

26:58

everywhere there's the time when they

27:00

want to be completely independent and

27:02

there's a time when their toddlers

27:04

that it's just mentally and physically

27:06

exhausting. Yes. And that is that

27:08

is also true and step family

27:10

life. Like it's, I always tell

27:13

people I'm like, just wait until

27:15

they get their driver's license. It

27:17

is such a game changer. Oh

27:19

my God. Yeah, my son is

27:21

16 now, but about a year

27:23

ago, he got his license and

27:25

it has been game changing in

27:27

my life. Like huge. It's huge.

27:29

My daughter's 10 and it helps

27:31

with her as well. You can

27:33

send him to the grocery store.

27:35

You can have him driver to

27:37

camp in the summer. All that

27:39

kind of good stuff. And I

27:41

don't know if he's like, I

27:43

mean, my stepdaughter, when she got

27:45

her license, it was like, anytime

27:48

we needed something from the store,

27:50

she's like, I'll go, I'll go,

27:52

because she was like, great, go

27:54

for it. Yeah, no, it was

27:56

amazing. I think he went to

27:58

the grocery store. every week for

28:00

the first two months and I

28:02

was like, this is awesome. Yeah.

28:04

Well, so tell me what some of

28:06

the really great things are about being

28:08

a step mom coming into a blended

28:11

family, whether you have or bringing your

28:13

own kids to the marriage or not.

28:15

Yeah, I mean, that's, it's such a

28:17

good question because I think

28:19

so often when I get interviewed, we're

28:22

focusing on all of the really, really

28:24

hard things about step family life and

28:26

there are a lot. But I have

28:29

found that it's also really rewarding.

28:31

I think for starters, you

28:33

found your person and you've got

28:35

that great love. I mean, I think

28:37

that's just a huge part of

28:39

your life that is easy to

28:41

take for granted, especially when things

28:44

are crazy, but it's worth remembering

28:46

that that's there. And I have

28:48

really loved. the influence that I have

28:50

been able to have on these kids'

28:53

lives. I don't have kids of my

28:55

own. We tried my first couple of

28:57

years of marriage, but it was not.

28:59

We went through multiple IVF rounds, and

29:01

it was just not in the cards.

29:03

And so this is my family. And I, it

29:05

has meant so much to me, my

29:07

youngest stepson, his special needs, and we'll

29:09

sit at dinner since he's 16 now.

29:11

We'll be at dinner sometimes, and he'll

29:14

just look at me and he'll be like

29:16

me and he'll be like. And that's

29:18

what he, that's what the kids call

29:20

me is Camiji. And it just like

29:23

makes my heart warm. It's just like

29:25

I want to burst. And it's, it's

29:27

just the best feeling to be able

29:29

to have that. And to be able

29:32

to also be another good influence

29:34

in these kids' lives, like my,

29:36

I helped my stepdaughter with her

29:38

college essays, which was not for

29:40

the faint of heart, I will just

29:42

say. And before she gave me her

29:45

essay to read over. she told me

29:47

that she'd written it about me and

29:49

I was like what? And I just

29:51

honestly like I wanted to cry. I

29:53

mean it was just the sweetest

29:56

and most cherished thing to know that

29:58

I had meant that to. her that

30:00

she had chosen to write about

30:02

me for her essay. And so

30:05

the chance to be able to

30:07

be that has been something that

30:09

I would never trade. Yeah, and

30:11

I can imagine just if you

30:14

are in the early stages or

30:16

the hard stages of this, just

30:18

keeping in mind that things change

30:21

over time and relationships evolve. Yes,

30:23

and they do. And I always

30:25

like to tell people, kids are

30:27

only kids until they're 18. And

30:30

it doesn't mean that they then

30:32

get out of the house and

30:34

you're not dealing with them because

30:36

they're always kids, right? Like they're

30:39

always, but there is an age

30:41

where the relationship with them changes

30:43

and you can have more of

30:46

an adult relationship. And so it

30:48

is, sometimes it's just gutting it

30:50

out. those 18 years and getting

30:52

to that point depending on the

30:55

dynamic. But yeah, I mean, it's,

30:57

it definitely evolves and changes and

30:59

you have to, especially when, when

31:01

you're dealing with the really tough

31:04

stuff, like if there's a high

31:06

conflict X or if the kids

31:08

are being, you know, poisoned against

31:11

y'all at the other house or

31:13

whatever, you do have to really

31:15

just play the long game and

31:17

know that like at a certain

31:20

point. the kids are going to

31:22

be out on their own, their

31:24

brains are going to develop in

31:26

their 20s, fully develop, and they're

31:29

going to be able to reflect

31:31

on their childhood, and what do

31:33

you want them to think about?

31:36

How do you want them to,

31:38

how do you want that relationship

31:40

to look when they're adults? Yeah.

31:42

What are some of the things

31:45

that your partner should be taken

31:47

care of if there is a

31:49

high conflict situation with? the biological

31:51

mom or the X? What do

31:54

you mean? Just like obviously as

31:56

a step mom you have limited

31:58

ability to influence that but you

32:01

mentioned like poisoning the kids against

32:03

you or or lashing out at

32:05

you. What are the steps that

32:07

your spouse could or should take,

32:10

even if they aren't? Oh, yeah.

32:12

Yeah, that's a good question and

32:14

can be a very difficult situation.

32:16

I would say if the X

32:19

is targeting you directly. that

32:21

you should put some boundaries and remove

32:23

yourself from as much contact with her

32:26

as possible so that you're not in

32:28

a situation where you can be targeted.

32:30

If the ex is saying stuff to

32:32

the kids or trying to turn them

32:35

against y'all, those are conversations that I

32:37

wouldn't necessarily, and again I should have

32:39

the disclaimer that every situation is very,

32:41

very different. But in general, I don't

32:44

know that I would necessarily have your

32:46

partner take that on with the X

32:48

because if it's a high conflict situation,

32:50

that just leads to more high conflict.

32:53

But there are things you can do

32:55

with the kids that are age appropriate,

32:57

like if Johnny comes home and says,

32:59

Mom says, you're a real jerk. Well,

33:01

I'm sorry, you had to hear that

33:04

Johnny. Do I seem like a jerk

33:06

to you? And you can do some

33:08

things like that like, don't make Johnny

33:10

feel like he's in the middle of

33:13

of... mom and step mom or mom

33:15

and dad or whatever, but that kind

33:17

of diffused it a little bit. And

33:19

I think the most important thing is

33:22

to not talk poorly about mom in

33:24

front of the kids. There is what's

33:26

called a loyalty bind where kids, even

33:28

when the relationship is good, have this

33:31

weird tension between houses and especially between

33:33

mom and step mom. I mean, they

33:35

a lot of times they they don't

33:37

know if it's okay to like step

33:40

mom and especially if it's a high

33:42

conflict situation if mom's not really giving

33:44

them permission to like step mom they

33:46

aren't going to and that's where you've

33:48

got to like play the long game

33:51

and eventually they'll kind of figure out

33:53

what's what but you never want to

33:55

you never want to get into a

33:57

situation where Johnny comes home and says

34:00

mom says you're a real jerk and

34:02

then you say yeah well mom's a

34:04

real jerk but for X Y and

34:06

Z reasons like you don't want to

34:09

do that because that just makes him

34:11

feel bad but you want to keep

34:13

it out of the kids world as

34:15

much as possible so I mean sometimes

34:18

that means like you don't go to

34:20

pickups and drop-offs as a step-parent because

34:22

you want to keep that separation you

34:24

don't want to expose yourself to anything

34:27

if the X is particularly hostile like

34:29

there's no reason you need to go.

34:31

It's sort of figuring out what some

34:33

of those boundaries are that you might

34:36

need to set and working with your

34:38

partner to make sure that they are

34:40

comfortable. I mean, they don't necessarily need

34:42

to give you permission to set the

34:44

boundaries, but like you would hope that

34:47

they're comfortable with you not wanting to

34:49

go to the pickups and drop-offs or

34:51

whatever that looks like when. they may

34:53

need to set some boundaries around communication.

34:56

I mean there are lots of situations

34:58

where texts are coming in late at

35:00

night, really long texts and maybe your

35:02

partner says you know what I'm not

35:05

going to respond to texts more than

35:07

once a day and this is what

35:09

it's going to look like and there

35:11

are things you can do around that

35:14

as well. But it's hard. It's really

35:16

hard when it's high conflict because usually

35:18

they know what buttons to push to

35:20

get a reaction and vice versa and

35:23

Sometimes you have to look and say,

35:25

like, is she the high conflict one?

35:27

I mean, maybe she is, but maybe

35:29

she's not. Yeah. Or it could be

35:31

your spouse being the one who's directing

35:34

most of the conflict and causing that

35:36

tension. Totally. And you really, most of

35:38

the people that come to me is

35:40

the X. But I mean, it's, it

35:43

depends on every situation. And there have

35:45

been times when I'm like, yeah, you

35:47

might check that reaction, you know. Yeah.

35:49

Well, so what kind of support should

35:52

people seek, regardless of whether it's high

35:54

conflict or not? Because I can imagine

35:56

that the emotions and the challenges, even

35:58

not in a high conflict situation. are

36:01

difficult to navigate. They are. And I

36:03

know like when I became a step

36:05

mom, I didn't even know that

36:07

there were resources out there. I

36:09

mean, I did look and there

36:11

weren't as many then as there

36:13

are now. But I think definitely

36:15

like, find someone who

36:17

has some expertise and

36:19

step family issues, not

36:22

necessarily just the person that

36:24

you see talking on Tik or Instagram.

36:26

I think that there are some really

36:28

great coaches out there who have been

36:30

trained and kind of understand what the

36:33

research says about step families and is

36:35

going to give advice based on that,

36:37

not just based on their experience, right?

36:39

Like I think it's sort of the

36:42

same in the parenting space, right? Like

36:44

you have people that are out there

36:46

just like yelling about their experiences, but

36:48

aren't necessarily giving the best advice. So

36:51

I think it's important to find somebody

36:53

that like really not just understands,

36:55

but has kind of that expert

36:57

backed experience and training.

36:59

But so much of step family

37:01

life for step moms is

37:03

feeling lonely and I think it's

37:05

just really important whether it's a

37:08

coach, whether it's a therapist,

37:10

whether it's your friends, but

37:12

to find a community that

37:14

understands what you're going through and

37:16

that you can talk to about stuff.

37:19

Yeah, I think that's so important

37:21

in all areas. I mean I

37:23

Especially when you are going alcohol

37:25

free or quitting drinking or struggling

37:28

with it. I know that's very

37:30

similar. I needed to find a

37:32

community of women or people who

37:35

understood how I was feeling, what

37:37

was hard, what wasn't hard, what

37:39

I needed support in, what were

37:42

triggers, who got it. right? Because

37:44

you could talk to your best

37:46

friend, but if they've never struggled

37:49

with drinking or if they're deep

37:51

in in love with alcohol and

37:53

drinking too much, that's not the

37:55

right support person for you. 100% and

37:57

I know I think it's like that for step

37:59

moms too. I know I had a couple of

38:01

friends that I talked to early on that

38:03

were not step parents and some of

38:05

the stuff that they would say to

38:07

me, like, would hurt my feelings and

38:09

they didn't mean to. They thought they

38:12

were being supportive, but I think having

38:14

a community of women who understand

38:16

what you're going through, whatever

38:18

that looks like, whether it's

38:20

with step parenting or whatever,

38:22

is just really important. Yeah, so

38:24

how can you find a coach

38:26

who is trained and well versed

38:28

in that or a therapist or

38:30

a group if someone's listening to

38:32

this and doesn't know where to

38:34

start? Yeah, I have a list

38:36

on my website of coaches that

38:39

have been trained through my

38:41

program, which is expert and

38:43

research based and was developed

38:45

in conjunction with. a number of

38:48

step family experts in our area.

38:50

So they can certainly go to

38:52

step family solutions.com and get a

38:54

list of our coaches. For therapists,

38:56

I think it's funny when you

38:59

look at a therapist website a

39:01

lot of times they'll be like

39:03

we do marriage and family counseling

39:05

or we do this and they don't

39:07

mention step family stuff because

39:09

it's just such a unique thing. So I

39:12

mean, I think it's really. finding

39:14

a couple of different therapists

39:16

that you can interview and

39:18

really asking them about their

39:20

experience working with step families.

39:22

And if you're, and I

39:24

think therapy is a wonderful

39:26

tool. My family uses therapy

39:28

a lot. We are all in therapy

39:30

and I just think that it's

39:33

really helpful, no matter what you're

39:35

going through in life, but especially

39:37

with step family dynamics, it is

39:39

really important that. you find a

39:42

therapist that has experience working with

39:44

step families and not all of

39:46

them do. And it can be,

39:48

the advice is just different.

39:50

I mean, like we're talking about,

39:52

it's just a different dynamic and

39:55

not all therapists have had that

39:57

training. Yeah, I can imagine I did

39:59

an episode. with Amanda E. White, who

40:01

is from Therapy for Women and

40:03

also wrote Not Drinking Tonight. And

40:05

I'll link that episode to the

40:07

show notes here. But the idea

40:09

was that so many of us

40:12

feel bad seeing a therapist and

40:14

then quote unquote breaking up with

40:16

them or cheating on them. It's

40:18

like your hairstylist, right? You somehow

40:20

feel guilty. I've gone to different

40:22

salons because I didn't want like

40:24

my hairstylist to see I was

40:26

someone else. But it is really

40:28

important to and you can state

40:30

up front that you're talking to

40:32

a number of different therapists to

40:34

find the right fit in making

40:36

sure that they understand you. And

40:38

so in that episode, one of

40:40

the things that she lists out

40:43

are sort of red flags and

40:45

green flags for when you were

40:47

talking to a therapist. And I

40:49

think no matter who you're talking

40:51

to, that could be really useful.

40:53

Yeah, absolutely. And and I think

40:55

with coaches too like I I

40:57

love working with clients who like

40:59

at our initial discovery call, tell

41:01

me that they're talking to different

41:03

coaches to figure out the right

41:05

fit because to me, that means

41:07

they're serious about it. And I

41:09

think that to the extent you

41:11

can do that and find the

41:14

coach that understands and has that

41:16

kind of expert based knowledge, but

41:18

also that's going to be the

41:20

best fit with you. I mean,

41:22

the person and it's like the

41:24

women that I train in my

41:26

program to coach like. somebody that

41:28

wants to work with me isn't

41:30

necessarily going to work with them,

41:32

someone that wants to work with

41:34

one of them isn't going to

41:36

be my person. Like there are

41:38

coaches and therapists out there for

41:40

everybody. Yeah, I feel the same

41:42

way with sober coaches. I mean,

41:45

everyone's going to relate and connect

41:47

with someone's different personalities, whether it's

41:49

the way they listen, the way

41:51

they offer advice, the structure, or

41:53

just their life experience that you

41:55

resonate. Yeah, totally and it's important

41:57

to find somebody that you have

41:59

that rapport with because this is

42:01

somebody that's going to be giving

42:03

you advice on some of the

42:05

most intimate things in your life.

42:07

So it's important that you have

42:09

that rapport. Yeah. How how would

42:11

you find a group of other

42:13

step moms who resonate with you

42:15

or who you can who you

42:18

can get support from? I mean,

42:20

I think you can always start

42:22

with Google and there are a

42:24

number of step-mom and step-family coaches

42:26

that offer groups. And I think

42:28

getting on Instagram and finding some

42:30

of the step-family coaches that are

42:32

out there looking at their websites,

42:34

looking at the groups they run.

42:36

And again, just kind of seeing

42:38

what resonates with you. Yeah, absolutely.

42:40

And then also I can imagine

42:42

that when you were immersed with

42:44

stepchildren, or your children combining those

42:46

that that can be a strain

42:49

on your relationship, whether it's time

42:51

or attention, you're not dating anymore,

42:53

you're not in the romance stage.

42:55

I mean, with my husband, we

42:57

always talk about the fact that

42:59

a lot of our time and

43:01

energy is matching schedules and who's

43:03

going to do what and who's

43:05

going to stay home for the

43:07

plumber and it's just blocking tackling

43:09

logistics and that's without any additional

43:11

planted family dynamics. Totally. Yeah, I

43:13

mean, it really I think a

43:15

lot of a lot of this

43:17

too is like when you're going

43:20

through all the stuff, it is

43:22

like how are you finding space

43:24

for your relationship because It does,

43:26

I mean, at a certain point,

43:28

you're like, just trying to get

43:30

through the day. What were some

43:32

of the things that you did

43:34

to try to carve out time

43:36

and attention for your relationship? Because

43:38

coming in and having four children,

43:40

I mean, that's a busy household.

43:42

That's a lot. It was a

43:44

lot. And I am an only

43:46

child and lived alone for 10

43:48

years. before I met Craig, so

43:51

just the level of noise alone,

43:53

I was like, oh my gosh,

43:55

this is like way more than

43:57

I thought it was going to

43:59

be. Yeah, I mean, for us,

44:01

our custody was 50-50, so it

44:03

was every week or two, they

44:05

were, we would then have a

44:07

week or two, quote unquote off.

44:09

We still would go to games

44:11

and all that stuff, even if

44:13

we didn't have the kids, but

44:15

I think for us, it was.

44:17

kind of earmarking some time during

44:19

that downtime that we could go

44:22

have a date night or whatever.

44:24

But then also even when we

44:26

had the kids, it was finding

44:28

times that we could get a

44:30

babysitter and go and do that

44:32

and like to make sure that

44:34

sort of our life, our relationship

44:36

wasn't put on ice for two

44:38

weeks. You know what I mean?

44:40

Like, and I think that's healthy

44:42

for the kids to see too

44:44

that like I don't know that

44:46

it's super healthy that your life

44:48

revolves solely around them at the

44:50

time they're your house. Like it's

44:53

helping for them to see you

44:55

going and doing things too. Yeah,

44:57

absolutely. We had to, you have

44:59

to be really intentional about it.

45:01

Yeah, I actually didn't think of

45:03

that benefit of having a weekend

45:05

or an entire week with your

45:07

partner without the children around. I

45:09

can imagine at least for my

45:11

own marriage that that would be

45:13

amazing at times. Yeah, I mean

45:15

it is it's funny. That's that's

45:17

one of the things that I

45:19

remember I was I was at

45:21

a work function and I'd just

45:24

become a step mom and a

45:26

couple of women were talking about

45:28

how hard it was to get

45:30

their kids up for school and

45:32

I was like trying to be

45:34

a part of the conversation because

45:36

I'd never been a parent before

45:38

and I was kind of excited

45:40

about being a new step mom

45:42

and I was like, oh I

45:44

know our oldest like she never

45:46

wants to get up, something like

45:48

that something like that. and I

45:50

just was like so deflated and

45:52

it's one of those things that

45:55

like yeah the kids aren't there

45:57

which it is a break I

45:59

mean don't get me wrong like

46:01

it is a break and especially

46:03

the new step mom likes need

46:05

that time. But you're still doing

46:07

stuff for the kids, like, at

46:09

least in our case, we were

46:11

still going with four kids. There

46:13

were a lot of sports events,

46:15

a lot of games, a lot

46:17

of school stuff. So we were

46:19

still doing all that stuff, the

46:21

kids just weren't sleeping at the

46:23

house. So the, it's sort of

46:26

a yes and no thing. I

46:28

mean, yes, it was less busy,

46:30

but we also had a lot

46:32

of medical on my youngest, especially

46:34

a lot of medical stuff that

46:36

was happening in between in between.

46:38

Yes and no. Well, and you

46:40

also just mentioned a different dynamic

46:42

that I didn't think of, which

46:44

is sort of having your experience

46:46

dismissed or seen as as less

46:48

than because your experience is not

46:50

the same as the other people

46:52

where you came in and this.

46:54

at a later time or whatever

46:56

it is. And also I can

46:59

imagine that if you're going to

47:01

sporting games, you're talking to other

47:03

moms or parents, they probably have

47:05

some divided loyalty if they were

47:07

also friends with the first wife.

47:09

Yeah, it's a super weird position

47:11

to be in and I think

47:13

that a lot of that. also

47:15

contributes to step moms who feel

47:17

a little less than or a

47:19

little imposter syndrome or like sort

47:21

of unsure of their role because

47:23

there are sort of these discrete

47:25

reinforcing opinions that you get from

47:27

different areas and yeah I mean

47:30

the going to the games and

47:32

stuff was definitely weird and I

47:34

think with the parents at our

47:36

kids schools it wasn't necessarily that

47:38

they were on different sides but

47:40

I also just didn't really know

47:42

what they thought of me. Like

47:44

have they heard bad things from

47:46

mom? Like what if they, you

47:48

know what I mean? Like that

47:50

is just a weird position that

47:52

sort of as a step mom

47:54

makes you feel a little bit

47:56

like keeping that, a lot of

47:58

that arm's length. Whereas when

48:01

you come in and you're a mom,

48:03

you're like, yeah, let me jump

48:05

in and like help play on this

48:07

or bring snacks or do all this.

48:09

And it's, a lot of times, a

48:11

step mom, you feel hesitant getting

48:14

super involved because you

48:16

are kind of insecure about what

48:18

you may have heard or what

48:20

you're viewed as or whatever. And

48:22

of course, I love the new. Mel

48:24

Robbins book let them that is in

48:26

an ideal world, you could look at

48:29

all that and be like, who cares

48:31

what they think? Yeah, absolutely in

48:33

terms of not worrying about

48:35

what other people think or

48:37

are doing and taking care

48:39

of your own emotions and

48:41

realizing that their reactions are

48:43

90% about what's ever going

48:45

on with them. 100% and like

48:47

of course now looking back I'm like

48:49

why was I that was a dumb

48:51

thing to be worried about like why

48:53

was I worried about that well because

48:55

I was a new step mom and

48:57

that's those are the things you worry

48:59

about. Yeah absolutely I mean even I

49:01

mean I'm often I'm like oh I

49:03

don't want to volunteer I don't volunteer

49:05

at my kid school kind of at

49:07

all and never have. It's just not

49:09

my jam. I'm happy to do other

49:11

things. That's just not something that I

49:13

enjoy. But I always am worried about

49:15

the other, the other parents being like,

49:17

oh, Casey hasn't come to any of

49:20

the parents. She does not volunteer for

49:22

X. She does not volunteer to bake

49:24

a pie for the teachers and whatever

49:26

it is. Right. Yeah. Yeah. And it's,

49:28

it's such a weird thing. I mean,

49:31

it's like even, especially when you're

49:33

a brand new step mom, even

49:35

like Valentine's day. Or who does the

49:38

Valentine's cards for the kids?

49:40

Like, are you supposed to do

49:42

something for the teacher at the

49:44

end of the school year? Like, all

49:46

of the things that you hadn't

49:48

really thought that you would have

49:50

to think about? Absolutely. So

49:52

how do you work that out with

49:54

the first family mom or

49:57

biological mom or X or

49:59

whatever? Yeah, I think so much

50:01

of that depends on the relationship

50:03

with her. If you have a

50:05

relationship such that you can, you

50:07

or your partner can like have

50:09

those conversations and be like, hey,

50:12

do you want to do this

50:14

or do you want me to?

50:16

And some of it depends on

50:18

the custody arrangement like if if

50:20

the kids are with you every

50:22

other weekend like probably you're not

50:24

going to be the one that's

50:26

responsible for doing that but if

50:28

it's 50-50 you probably do need

50:30

to figure that out or maybe

50:32

you both do something for the

50:34

teacher if there's not good communication

50:36

between houses. But yeah I mean

50:38

it can be tricky we always

50:40

did it where if the kids

50:42

were at our house on Valentine's

50:45

we would send the Valentine's treats

50:47

to school and if they were

50:49

at my husband's exes then she

50:51

would do. But there's not really

50:53

a right or wrong way. It's

50:55

just sort of what works for

50:57

your family. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. So

50:59

if someone's listening to this and

51:01

they're sort of deep in this

51:03

step mom. experience or coming into

51:05

it new, what would be your

51:07

best advice for them for getting

51:09

support and making it a healthier

51:11

or more fulfilling or happier experience?

51:13

Yeah, a couple of things. I

51:15

think the first thing that I

51:18

always tell step moms, no matter

51:20

where they are in step mom

51:22

life, but especially if they're new,

51:24

is to these remember to be

51:26

kind to yourself and to say

51:28

kind things to yourself because we

51:30

step parenting can feel like a

51:32

pressure cooker and like we were

51:34

talking about earlier with some of

51:36

the feeling the need to be

51:38

perfect and to do all the

51:40

things like it's okay you're gonna

51:42

make mistakes you're gonna say the

51:44

wrong thing you're gonna do the

51:46

wrong thing and the stakes are

51:48

just not as high as you

51:51

feel like they are so like

51:53

give yourself some grace and then

51:55

the second thing is like find

51:57

Another step mom you can talk

51:59

to whether that's a close friend

52:01

or even if it's like somebody

52:03

you meet at school or church

52:05

or whatever that like is another.

52:07

stepmom like ask her for a

52:09

cup of coffee and like go

52:11

and compare notes and have somebody

52:13

you can talk to or find

52:15

someone like me that you can

52:17

do some coaching with or join.

52:19

I offer group coaching and one

52:21

on one coaching but I also

52:24

have a membership that's lower cost

52:26

for step moms that they can

52:28

come in and do group coaching

52:30

every month and just meet other

52:32

step moms that know what they're

52:34

going through. I think it's really

52:36

important to look for that community

52:38

and with. 40% of American families

52:40

are in a blended family of

52:42

some sort. There are lots of

52:44

other step parents out there. Even

52:46

if you're not totally sure where

52:48

to find them, they're there. Yeah,

52:50

I actually didn't realize that percentage

52:52

was so high that that means

52:54

there are so many other people

52:57

going through the same experience that

52:59

you're going through. So you're not

53:01

alone. Totally. And I'll throw another

53:03

one at you. 1300 new step

53:05

families form every day. And that

53:07

statistic is from like 2001, I

53:09

feel like. It's really, that statistic,

53:11

statistic is like 20 years old.

53:13

Oh, and there are no new

53:15

statistics on that. There's not a

53:17

lot of research. There, no, the

53:19

census used to track that and

53:21

I don't think they do anymore.

53:23

So it has, there have not

53:25

been a lot of great statistics

53:27

on the actual. There's lots of

53:30

other. research that's been done around

53:32

how step families are functioning and

53:34

stuff like that and tools that

53:36

you can use but the actual

53:38

numbers of step families that numbers

53:40

very very updated. Okay that's that's

53:42

good to know. Well thank you

53:44

so much for coming on for

53:46

having this conversation for offering your

53:48

expertise and kind of giving anyone

53:50

listening to this. a place to

53:52

begin if they are struggling or

53:54

just want to have the best

53:56

relationship that they can have. Absolutely.

53:58

I'm happy to do it. All

54:00

right. Thank you. Thank you for

54:02

listening to this episode of the

54:05

Hello Somday podcast. interested in learning

54:07

more, the work I do, and

54:09

access free resources and guides to

54:11

help you build a life you

54:13

love without alcohol, please visit hello

54:15

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54:17

so grateful if you would take

54:19

a few minutes to rate and

54:21

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54:23

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54:25

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54:27

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