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3:03

Welcome back to the honeydew y'all. We're

3:05

over here doing it in the night

3:07

pan studios. I'm Ryan sickler Ryan sickler

3:09

on all your social media and I'm

3:12

starting this episode like I start them

3:14

all by saying thank you. Thank you

3:16

for Anything you do that supports anything

3:18

I do. I don't care if it's

3:20

a shirt. I don't care if you're

3:22

telling a friend Whatever it is. Thank

3:25

you so much if you've come to

3:27

see a live show if you've done

3:29

an episode of the patron whatever Thank

3:31

you so much. All right, and I'm

3:33

telling you right now You got to

3:36

check out the new tier on Patreon

3:38

all right now. You're getting the way

3:40

back a day earlier getting an ad

3:42

free. You're getting that also with no

3:44

censorship no any of that and exclusive

3:47

bonus content on that tier, you're not

3:49

getting anywhere else and it's only $3

3:51

more. All right. I'm very excited for

3:53

this episode. This is our end of

3:55

the year 2024 episode. at

3:57

a hell of a

4:00

year. It's been a

4:02

great, what, why don't we start this? This

4:04

has been a great five years, five years old

4:06

already. Thank you, I can't even get over

4:08

it. We have a great family

4:10

here. We have a great team

4:12

of people helping. bring this show to you

4:14

every week And one of the people I love

4:16

the most. is our

4:18

producer Kirsten here. So ladies and

4:21

gentlemen. It's her episode

4:23

today. introducing you to

4:25

producer Kirsten. Please welcome Kirsten Schwickarath.

4:27

Welcome to the Honeydew Kirsten.

4:29

You look really nice today, Kirsten.

4:31

Thank you. you don't always. Thank you. nice say. I do.

4:34

I normally look the trash out. there. No, you do not.

4:36

I tell you all the time your hair looks nice. You do.

4:38

You're very complimentary. complimentary. It's very nice of you. Um.

4:41

Thanks for doing this. Yeah. I'm

4:43

already seeing stuff up there

4:45

that I that know about you.

4:47

So about before we get into all

4:49

this, because I know not everyone's

4:52

gonna see the way back episode

4:54

we did, but why don't you tell them how

4:56

you got the job here Well,

4:58

I the job because I actually

5:00

planned on reaching out to you to do the

5:02

honeydew with y 'all. I was planning to write

5:04

out my laundry list to get on the show

5:06

as a Patreon member, but it was like end

5:08

of May, just graduate with my degree. So I

5:11

was like, well, I ended up reaching out to

5:13

YMH because they were moving to Austin and the

5:15

Dov gave me the bump to you. And I

5:17

was like, well, yeah, I watched the do a

5:19

lot. So for sure I reached out to you.

5:21

I told you yesterday that that same day you

5:23

called me, your name came up on my Fitbit.

5:25

I denied it because I got so scared. I

5:27

thought I was being pranked. How did my name

5:29

even came up Was I in your phone no that's

5:31

I it's something with that's why I

5:33

was like something going on I don't

5:35

know I think it might be the

5:37

cell services It that real quick and

5:40

then yeah I think it was like

5:42

just a couple days after that I

5:44

drove up to come meet

5:46

you, I passed you. I didn't recognize you on the sidewalk

5:48

because you're sitting on the sidewalk smoking a joint and I

5:50

went into the store and you're like, you walked right past

5:52

me and I didn't know it was you just because I'd

5:54

only ever seen you on camera. I also didn't know you

5:56

had a tattoo and I was like, that can't be him,

5:58

is it? Ad. I have a

6:00

short sleeve on this. on that day. little bit like I know

6:02

if he has a tattoo. I don't remember it So I don't

6:04

yeah, that was the start of it and I think I I

6:06

mean like you said I drove up here for like yeah,

6:09

that months before we of it.

6:11

drove up for I months you

6:13

said, I drove for here for like

6:15

a lot of it for free when

6:17

gas was $6 Yeah. gallon. up for

6:19

two end up moving closer. interned for

6:22

a now here we are in the new

6:24

studio. Yeah. was $6 a gallon. Yeah. Then how

6:26

many years later? move in two.

6:28

two. Three finally gonna do the episode

6:30

you wanted to do. Three, yeah. All All right, so

6:32

let's go tell us about you. where

6:34

you're from where you're from originally. from a really

6:36

I'm from a really small town

6:38

in southern Iowa called Dallas. If people are people

6:40

are familiar with Sprint cars, it's right

6:42

next to the Sprint the sprint car of

6:44

the world. It's called Knoxville. called Is

6:47

that right? yeah, it's a huge thing.

6:49

like Every year, there's a People from New

6:51

Zealand from their cars over. It's a

6:53

big thing. over. It's a big is just Melter's

6:55

just like a Meltzer Dallas is just a

6:57

small town next to that, so. that. I I

6:59

graduated with like kids in my class. That

7:01

blows me away. I graduated with 15 I always say

7:03

that I always say that 12 of

7:05

us went into preschool together. like it's

7:08

like we were all You real? far through?

7:10

Yeah, we had like... Our friend Tanner was Our friend

7:12

Tanner was a for a couple years, but he came

7:14

back, but there were only three, I think, three I

7:16

with us that weren't there from preschool on. from So

7:18

it was like on. So it was like on that. Is it fun or

7:20

get sick of those fucking people? For

7:22

us, it us, was great. Our class was really

7:25

great And our teachers would even tell us, would even tell

7:27

us we don't we don't know what we're going

7:29

to do after your class, because our class wasn't

7:31

necessarily all all like super close friends, friends,

7:33

but we all just like understood each other.

7:35

It was really respectful. People kind of had their

7:37

groups, but the the intermingled. So I didn't mind

7:39

So at all. I had a good time with

7:41

it. it. Do Did you have rival high

7:43

schools you you at least would go

7:45

and see like, oh my god, there's 400 fucking

7:47

people or 500 people in this class.

7:49

class? No, because we, like anything we do is all

7:51

in all in 1A. So it's like, and I and I always

7:54

joke that we're we're half half a A of 1A. it

7:56

go up to? to? Because I know it's big

7:58

out here to big out here to five 5, 4, 5A. think

8:00

is the biggest one. So my younger

8:02

brother went to a 5A school and

8:04

I think his class was like to

8:06

like kids, is like than my college

8:08

graduating class, I think, almost, yeah. What?

8:12

So when do you finally go to a

8:14

high school where you're like, oh, this is

8:16

what? a schools is where they all pack

8:18

the gym for the games and like

8:20

when is that? it? When I to

8:23

college so when you go see your brother at a

8:25

school or something I never really saw his cuz he

8:27

was he's a couple years younger than me So it

8:29

really wasn't tell I went to college. We did have

8:31

a we did have a school. But even your college

8:33

small. Yeah, it was a small Like your

8:35

schools in Texas and California. They're bigger

8:37

than your college. Oh for sure Yeah, you

8:39

know it's definitely it's like I went to the University

8:41

of Northern Iowa It's probably that's the smaller of the

8:43

three universities. I know you know about it. You're a

8:45

big Panthers fan So

8:48

mean, other than that, we did have like a

8:50

rival high school team, but they were all just

8:52

1A. So our big rival team was a Seaters.

8:54

They were the Sabres and they are like -

8:56

Princess. As far as history goes, there's like, they're

8:58

like our rivals, but. but They're still 1A,

9:00

but they might have like 30 kids

9:02

in their class. it's like, that's the difference,

9:04

yeah. That was a classroom for,

9:06

and I wasn't, I wasn't even in big

9:08

school either. I mean, I mean, was several

9:11

hundred graduating class, few, mean, I don't know,

9:13

I have to go back and look. but

9:15

I mean, I would say our individual

9:17

classrooms are 30 people. Yeah,

9:19

those are like our actual four class sizes. I mean,

9:21

I think I said on the way back to

9:23

that, so our high school building was six through 12

9:25

and I think the most at one time our

9:28

student body was like 126 or something, so, and that's,

9:30

yeah, that's sixth grade, so. So

9:32

all right explain your extended family

9:34

start with that because you've

9:36

got a lot of siblings and

9:38

things moving Yeah.

9:40

So. so

9:43

I, I'm one of seven, but none

9:45

from the same mom and dad. So

9:48

it starts with

9:50

my stepmom now, who was actually My

9:53

dad's first so she comes into the picture.

9:55

She already has my oldest sister, Yeti. She

9:57

marries. They only had one. Yeah,

9:59

Bernie just had one. with another

10:01

guy. She meets She meets my get

10:03

They get together. step or step bomb

10:05

gets pregnant. she came, Wait. She came. She already

10:07

she met your dad. she met your

10:09

I'm not sure how yet Yeah. I'm

10:12

he was but yeah old in

10:14

with But yeah. Came get pregnant with my

10:16

get pregnant sister next oldest find out And they

10:18

think like April think or something 1st

10:20

then I think it's April then

10:22

My dad gets into a 2nd. My dad

10:24

gets that gets his arm torn

10:27

off his arm torn off. I've met

10:29

your dad I've seen, so what happened?

10:31

So it's one of one of those things like just

10:33

only ever known him with his little with his

10:35

guess so. We love we call it. We love little,

10:37

that's his little arm we always talk about,

10:39

but his only ever known him with that, but

10:41

about but it wasn't until I actually did a

10:43

video project in college that I it the

10:45

severity of it, but he was working as

10:47

a in college he was laying like gravel rock

10:49

and it was one of those was working like elevators.

10:52

elevators. It stopped working and so he puts his

10:54

hand in to fix it, but he's got

10:56

a glove and a watch on he's it

10:58

kicks back on and it grabs his glove it

11:00

it just sucks him in. grabs his he's telling

11:02

me I didn't hear this until him in. And

11:04

he's did the video me, I about him but he

11:06

told me that I did the other day the guy

11:08

running up front would never hear it. me And

11:10

I didn't know this whole time but he

11:12

has a scar on the back of his neck

11:14

right here hear decapitated him. know this him in like

11:16

but kept pulling him in. And somehow that guy

11:18

had heard something going on and he stopped

11:20

it in time and there was like. him. Some things

11:22

lined up really weird to where to there was

11:24

a farmer down the road that had some

11:26

type of equipment that could get him lifted to

11:29

where he was airlifted and stuff, but was air

11:31

lifted We had the newspaper article for

11:33

a while and the officer, a arrived on

11:35

scene that was writing about it that

11:37

they got there his arm was hanging

11:39

by got there of skin. was hanging by a quarter

11:41

quarter of skin. A quarter inch of

11:43

skin. No. Yep. And it it started off

11:45

with them being like, and he, he was doing that

11:47

and he always has been been stuff. So so I don't know if

11:49

don't know if that was like a side job, but

11:51

always been working on cars. But it started with with like

11:53

they don't they don't think they're going to attach it They end

11:55

up attaching it They're like, it's attached, but it's very

11:57

touch and go. We don't know if it's actually going

12:00

to. gonna. Last. It ends up up lasting actually ends

12:02

up lasting so good like I I

12:04

said, he was a mechanic for

12:06

35 years until that changed. much function does he have

12:08

in it? Does he have his he have and it do

12:10

he have his hands all that. He can do

12:12

all only thing can his left arm, so he can

12:14

So like when we go about to right here. is So

12:16

like when we go golf and his I is a

12:18

little different, I always a kid when as a kid

12:20

when he'd make me sandwiches, he would just like like.

12:22

smack the baloney up here cause he just hold

12:24

things this way. So it's just like way so it's just like

12:26

on the back of your hand. back of your hand. You really

12:28

want to know I mean think my best friend

12:30

really was like we're I think my best friend grade before she

12:32

we were probably in fourth grade before she had hell

12:34

was like, what the hell happened to your dad's

12:37

of course is like And he of course is like, there

12:39

was a pack of wolves one night. Like anytime someone

12:41

asked him, he has something different to say. But yeah,

12:43

that was. was he made the made the comment, you

12:45

know, comment you know like he Remember just thinking

12:47

like, oh, I'm never gonna meet my daughter. I'm

12:49

never gonna eat my kid. And now he's got. going to

12:51

eat daughters And now ton of grandkids,

12:53

so. and a is lucky.

12:55

Yeah, it's he is lucky. Yeah, it's

12:57

wild. And that's brutal really makes you think

12:59

like if that makes you think like if that of

13:02

like that one thing changes You of like whole

13:04

line of people that never come along.

13:06

I mean from whole line think he's

13:08

up to like that never now or something. mean

13:10

from I think he was able to use

13:12

it 14 grandkids now or Never really So, like. yeah, he

13:14

was able to use it. Hold him

13:16

back and he He was a mechanic, like

13:18

I said, until that stopped and then

13:21

once that stopped he switched over to stop

13:23

he so he's like a certified like a

13:25

driver. forklift driver For Yeah, meets yeah, yeah,

13:27

pro meat squeezer us with

13:29

it. us with it is squeezer?

13:31

squeezer? Pro meat I mean he says it himself,

13:33

Pro meat That's his favorite favorite that. what he he's like,

13:35

I love himself. Yeah, he says like I love

13:37

squeeze with his little worm? hand with his

13:39

so then But yeah, so then they split So they

13:42

have have my sister they have my

13:44

they have my sister met Yeti and

13:46

met Yeti and Sherry, you haven't

13:48

met Mandy. Mandy They end up end

13:50

up splitting. with my My dad gets

13:52

with my mom and my

13:54

mom already has my older brother

13:56

from a a previous marriage. She

13:58

was married divorced and dad. dad Do you

14:00

know their previous part? you Do you

14:02

know your mom's previous? Or is your brother? brother,

14:04

know do you know your brother's father? I

14:07

do do know my brother's father and I go like

14:09

too much into his story just cuz that's his

14:11

but like he had his because but like

14:13

like he had his is his dad. dad, dad

14:15

has always been his dad. dad. My I don't really

14:17

know what his relationship with his dad is

14:19

outside of that. I just know that it was

14:21

always my dad. with his dad is outside of that.

14:23

I just know that it together, they have

14:26

my they get divorced yeah. I'm in

14:28

kindergarten. together. And I don't don't remember much of it,

14:30

I honestly had honestly had a really good say one thing

14:32

I always tell my mom, will say one thing, I

14:34

always tell my mom, it's of my earliest memories

14:36

is. there's one where I'm at, the of like that I'd

14:38

two, and one where one where I'm at I'd go to, and

14:40

one that I'd go to that one where

14:42

I'm one where I'm at, and one where I'm a waiting room. that

14:44

I'm the looking at like a magazine of a family are,

14:46

they're all the and in my mind I'm like the the fuck are

14:49

they never showing the families that are fighting all the time are,

14:51

that are, the in my mind, was like, that are,

14:53

that the commercials with that are, and dad

14:55

screaming in the basement? families, our family representation?

14:57

are, that are, that So I have that, but but than

14:59

that, was good. was good. They actually co -parented

15:01

really well once they got divorced. I

15:03

got divorced. Mom divorced, divorced, mom marries, my my step -dad

15:05

now, Eric, had a He had a son from a

15:07

previous marriage. they all all came in with one,

15:09

come in with all come in with one, and

15:11

then they had my youngest sister, and that's

15:13

the end of the line. end of the biological

15:15

siblings do you have then do

15:17

more? Three more? They each had one four

15:20

more I have four so every I have four and then

15:22

Yeti have four younger then Yeti and

15:24

my younger brother that are a step. the

15:26

only yeah, okay, and step yeah with everybody though

15:28

and you're close with everybody I'm really close with

15:30

I'm I am in I'm really close with everyone

15:32

in just different ways say Sherry and say probably are

15:34

probably closest is is interesting because it's a it's it's

15:36

a 12 gap gap I don't know we just kind

15:38

of understood each other so each other so the

15:40

second youngest then? youngest youngest then

15:42

or third or third I would be the third. Yeah, I'd be younger

15:45

brother. Okay. be I'm like the Yeah, on I'm like

15:47

the baby on dad's side, but second on on

15:49

mom's side. right, and going back back and forth. What

15:51

was that was fine with you? you? you good

15:53

with that? Were they Were they close by or? Yeah, so

15:55

so dad still lives in the house that

15:57

like they I was born and mom lives

15:59

in town They're all in all in so that so

16:01

that was really easy. kind It was kind

16:03

of interesting, cause because it's house, I was a single. I

16:05

was a single kid I was the

16:07

only child and then over here

16:09

it was brothers and sisters sisters so

16:12

so always sister but brothers in out. Did you

16:14

like that like that better or balance? the balance?

16:16

I liked them both. I I think one thing

16:18

I struggled with with just feeling like feeling like there times

16:20

where it was like it was day, dad's day, and

16:22

there were times where I was like what about

16:24

my day I I was just what of going back

16:26

and forth at times, but they were also very

16:28

good going back and forth at times but they lot like

16:30

there's just me and you know I

16:32

my place But then Stella a brother

16:35

and his girlfriend me at princess at was

16:37

always so great then remember he always would call

16:39

it and her brother would go do something whether it

16:41

was like fishing or riding our dirt bikes or

16:43

just something like that and and his

16:45

also really good or her you know, got something got

16:47

something going on this weekend, she wants to

16:49

do to do like Yeah, doesn't matter days or days

16:51

they're really great about that and stuff that and stuff. So

16:53

being I always say like them being I was

16:55

like a blessing because I felt like it made

16:57

them closer and like a My grandma now

16:59

even says it made them told your mom like my

17:01

your dad, but I didn't like, he was

17:03

always still part of the family and stuff. mom

17:05

like she Just really good. Good upbringing.

17:08

I didn't like he was always still And

17:10

then how family and Were you

17:12

just really how long before Eric Yeah.

17:14

Yeah. your life? you when, how long when

17:16

they split, when does he

17:18

show up? I would say to comes

17:20

in comes in around like third or

17:22

fourth grade is what remember. And then was that

17:24

like was he a good he a good he

17:26

a Was he a was he more or was husband?

17:28

You know what I'm saying You he active

17:30

in your life? he active active in our lives

17:32

for sure in our a great guy. sure. Eric's I

17:34

will say and I think we all agree Like

17:36

when he first we coming around he was like

17:38

out of the Marines very just he was kind

17:41

of hard the Marines, very just kind

17:43

a certain way of things and there was definitely a

17:45

kind of of things. him and and my mom just kind

17:47

of, I think, think together and he kind of softened up

17:49

a bit and a of understood. of understood so

17:51

I always enjoyed him. I don't really have any bad memories.

17:53

know, there may be times that times I'd get mad with

17:55

my mom and he'd step in, I'd be like. I'd be like

17:57

you're not my dad don't bring you know know, they'll get But

18:00

then in hindsight, it's like he really was

18:02

like a great stepdad to me like cares

18:04

and loves all those kids so dearly like The

18:06

times that we did butt heads, I'm able to look back and

18:08

be like, all he was protecting me and stuff. So it's like. Really

18:11

great guy. Yeah, he's a big bastard

18:13

too. Yeah big Seems like he'd be big

18:15

and intimidating, but you start talking to him and he's

18:17

really just like a soft dude. Yeah, dude your

18:19

dad and him get along? Was there

18:21

a resistance at first when that happened? I

18:24

don't think there was no not from my that's

18:26

the other thing too is they were pretty good about

18:28

keeping me out of anything that like I shouldn't

18:30

have known I was but were pretty good about like

18:32

you know the adult stuff is gonna stay here

18:34

You don't need to worry about this so I remember

18:36

there being any issues like they're just like you

18:39

described like they're at the ball game sitting next to

18:41

each other They'll high you know we don't necessarily

18:43

sit next Yeah, other you know maybe the same year

18:45

was bleachers about that wide. Yeah for a common

18:47

cause smaller small fields you gotta to be a little

18:49

close. guess so, yeah. so no, but

18:51

good. What was it like when

18:53

your dad went back Uh,

18:57

his first wife. Yeah. what

18:59

that like in the family was

19:01

mom like mad blunt? Well,

19:03

she. I don't think mom I did She did, so

19:05

it didn't matter, I guess. what didn't really have

19:07

a say after that. It's yeah I mean like

19:09

they split it was divorce or a little something

19:11

going on entire I don't think so It's

19:13

I think mom in my dad my mom and

19:15

dad I think split pretty like they did their

19:17

own thing I think that was separate and then

19:19

I'm not actually really sure how My

19:21

dad and Bernie got back together. I just remember

19:23

she kind of started coming around. Around around

19:26

like second grade, I I want to say. So it was a

19:28

couple years she maybe maybe was seeing her. I just didn't know.

19:31

you know, and I wasn't there. But when

19:33

she came around, was fine. Like I I

19:36

didn't know Bernie before that. I don't remember

19:38

ever knowing her as like, oh, this is

19:40

my sister's mother So

19:43

it was great. I I mean, I still ask my two

19:45

sisters, oh, it's like, hey, what's it like to have

19:47

your parents back together? must be nice that some of us

19:49

got it, you know? but think it's probably weirder for

19:51

them. It's kind of interesting that they have

19:53

like an arc of them being together divorced and

19:55

now late in life They're back together and

19:57

stuff So that's pretty awesome. Yeah So

20:00

tell me about, well is this an order

20:02

up here? Yeah. So tell me about almost

20:04

found out of college, why? Yeah, so I

20:06

just think that's probably where my low lights

20:09

start. I was a really good student in

20:11

high school. It was easy for me. If

20:13

anything, except for fourth grade, that was a

20:15

different, I was not getting fourth grade. Outside

20:17

of that though, like 4.0 never had an

20:20

issue with stuff. If anything, it was like.

20:22

they bump me up in some classes because

20:24

I was just getting a little rowdy if

20:26

I got bored because I was kind of

20:29

like excelling and stuff and that's not me

20:31

like bragging it's just small school not a

20:33

lot of resources type thing so like killed

20:35

it in high school get to college and

20:37

I'm just totally lost and why is it

20:40

because you can set your own schedule and

20:42

you're so used to you know routine for

20:44

all those years and now you could go

20:46

on Tuesday at this time and a Thursday

20:49

at night and shit like that definitely partially

20:51

that my so senior year right before I

20:53

leave for college like mom and I get

20:55

in a huge fight because she found out

20:57

I've been smoking weed not good like tears

21:00

us apart for a bit like was not

21:02

really yeah I mean we didn't talk we

21:04

didn't talk I think for like two or

21:06

three weeks when I went up to college,

21:09

which was really hard. We had this weird

21:11

thing happened where I feel like my dead

21:13

grandpa intervened and like, we called each other

21:15

on the both day, had this, I won't

21:17

go too far into it, but we had

21:20

this thing with two dollar bills, we hadn't

21:22

been talking, we both get a two dollar

21:24

bill, we both get a two dollar bill

21:26

the same day, which was like a two

21:29

dollar bill the same day, which was like

21:31

a, I find out like, I was just

21:33

kind of dopamine sinking, I was lost and

21:35

I was just trying to, it was this

21:37

weird mix of going from like high school

21:40

was so easy and I felt so smart

21:42

and now it's like, were you lied to

21:44

the whole time because like you're kind of

21:46

a fucking idiot here, you're not doing good,

21:49

you're failing out. Big fish in a little

21:51

pond, a little fish in a big pond.

21:53

Yeah. And it really

21:55

messed with me mentally,

21:57

and it would get

22:00

to the point where

22:02

like would, I

22:04

would miss a couple of classes and then

22:06

you get down and then I would

22:08

just, I almost fell out and well, first

22:10

semester I got an academic probation. I

22:12

come back second semester, do good. I get

22:15

in a series of very sketchy relationships

22:17

that then make the second year even worse

22:19

and that's when I almost got tossed

22:21

out. So

22:23

yeah, I'm I to think. I

22:25

mean, most of it I think was just, yeah, I was

22:27

lost. I I felt like I was so smart and had

22:29

under wraps and then things just started to fall apart around

22:31

me and I was like. feeling like I was letting my family

22:33

down, letting myself down. There were times where I was

22:36

just like. I think it was Andrew Santino

22:38

that was in here one time And it's like. To

22:40

be really honest, like never a feeling of wanting

22:42

to to off myself. But there are times

22:44

where it just like wanting that social suicide of

22:46

just like, I wish I could just get away

22:48

from this and start free because it all just

22:50

felt so heavy. And then eventually

22:52

I go through a

22:54

really bad relationship. I end

22:57

up getting diagnosed with like PTSD and ADHD.

23:00

My mom gets diagnosed with ADHD at 40

23:02

and I thought realizing that there's a lot of

23:04

symptoms that. She has the

23:06

I'm feeling in myself that I'm starting to

23:08

wonder. if that's the

23:10

case. So I ended up going and

23:12

then I realized a lot of this anxiety

23:14

I had in college was a lot

23:16

of mismanaged ADHD stuff where it's like. My

23:19

brain was just not functioning how it was supposed to. I

23:21

wasn't able to. able to keep on top

23:23

of things. It just felt like nothing was

23:25

ever in order and nothing. was ever like there

23:27

maybe like just the fact that that

23:29

curriculum and everything changed it popped off your

23:32

ADHD I think that was part

23:34

of it. Yeah, I think it's just because I didn't have

23:36

someone monitor team. It wasn't like you know when I

23:38

was in school and like I got a I finished something

23:40

like the teachers knew me I could go and talk

23:42

to them or like find a way there. I was just

23:44

kind of left to my own devices and my own

23:46

devices very quickly turned into like Just

23:48

smoking weed. I got into acid for a

23:50

while because my boyfriend at the time

23:52

dosed me in a movie theater. Without you

23:54

knowing? Had no idea. And it was. your

23:56

first time ever doing acid? episode. That's how

23:58

you fucking made what move? Dr. Strange. You ever seen

24:01

that? No. I mean, you don't need acid for it.

24:03

It's already insane. But yeah, so I got into that

24:05

and like, it was weird, but I was just in

24:07

this weird place where that was also the only person

24:09

I felt like that understood me at the time, so

24:12

like I just went down like a path of like,

24:14

man, I would do like, I would do acid and

24:16

stay up for a day and then I'd go to

24:18

like my public speaking class and just give my public

24:20

speaking speaking class and just give a speech speaking class

24:23

and just give a speech speaking class and just give

24:25

a speech speaking class and just give a speech, And

24:27

there's a while where I was like, maybe this is

24:29

working, maybe I just need to be like on psychedelics

24:31

a whole time, which I didn't, it was not good.

24:34

Got out of that and stuff. Acid's not the one.

24:36

No, no, no, no, no, love shrooms now, but yeah,

24:38

I haven't done that since. So all that goes down,

24:40

I get into that relationship and did, I get into

24:42

another one which is worse, and that's the one that

24:45

really just kind of like beat me down and got

24:47

me down and got me into where I finally get

24:49

diagnosed and got me into where I finally get diagnosed

24:51

with the PTSD, where I finally get diagnosed with the

24:53

PTSD, and the ADHD stuff and it kind of just

24:56

helps me get into where I can get into therapy.

24:58

I start sorting through like these two years of stuff

25:00

that I haven't even understood to even begin processing so

25:02

like start understanding all these things about junior year things

25:04

turn around. I start getting help. I start I get

25:07

out of a bad living situation. I actually met you've

25:09

met my friend Nicole. So funny story, Nicole's mom, you've

25:11

got Sheres too. You love her on smoke and Paul

25:13

malls outside custom with us. Cherise and my mom were

25:15

best friends in high school. Okay. So where my grandma

25:18

lives now across the street was where she grew up

25:20

and Nicole lived there for a while. So we went

25:22

to the same daycare. I'm at college one day, I'm

25:24

walking down our hill and I run into Nicole and

25:26

I'm like down our hill and I run into Nicole

25:28

and I'm like, holy and I run into Nicole and

25:31

I'm like, holy shit. You went to school and I'm

25:33

like, holy and I run into Nicole and I'm like,

25:35

and I run into Nicole and I'm like, and I

25:37

run into Nicole, and I'm like, and I run into

25:39

Nicole, and I run into Nicole, and I'm like, and

25:42

I run into Nicole, and I'm like, and I'm like,

25:44

and I'm like, like, and I, like, like, like, like,

25:46

like, like, I, like, I, like, like, I, like, like,

25:48

like, I, like, I, I, I, I, I, I, I

25:50

can like point to and be like this was the

25:53

pivotal moment that things really turned. Absolutely saved me. It

25:55

got with like people who were on the, you know,

25:57

like they were all very like serious about school kind

25:59

of helped me. get serious. definitely changed

26:01

my life changed my life a lot

26:03

things kind of got where things kind of got better.

26:05

And then fell in of fell back in with Devon

26:07

after that. so we were a we were a long distance

26:10

that whole time, but. Well, let's go back

26:12

to the relation. How you get out

26:14

of that of that relationship? relationship? It came to a

26:16

it came to a head kind of gnarly,

26:18

he was in the dorms at moved, he was in the

26:20

dorms at the time. He had moved in with us

26:22

like a couple of weeks we we needed help with rent

26:24

and stuff. stuff. I had a had a best friend at the

26:26

time who was also living with me. She had

26:28

moved up from her her hometown. She wasn't in school,

26:30

but was like, was like, yeah, I'll take a shot

26:32

and see what's up in this bigger town to

26:34

go go, she's going going down. a lot of like There's

26:36

a lot of stuff that happened before this,

26:38

like abuse and stuff, but it came to a

26:40

head one night cause she had went down

26:42

to Florida for some for like some one of her

26:44

friends that I wasn't friends with, friends but. with,

26:47

but. He knew I was knew I was home alone. at He had

26:49

moved out at that point on the door and I he started banging on

26:51

the door night I had to call the cops. Yeah. So you I

26:53

thought then? Oh yeah. might be the night he was there would get. and he

26:55

was telling me he was Yeah. in. He was telling me he was going to get me, he

26:57

was going to kill me. He was never arrested. My was at was afraid I had

26:59

knew her was out there banging on the door and he

27:01

word me sent her in he had sent was tell me he was

27:03

gonna get me. word he gonna kill me, but word he had sent her

27:05

text I was word he had sent her text I was word kill you

27:07

he said word he had sent friend knew at the time her text

27:09

I was word he had sent her her a text, he was worried text

27:11

I was me weird stuff. I was word She had She had

27:13

actually called the cops as soon as I sent that.

27:15

So she had called the cops and the had called

27:17

them right after them right after since as I had had I

27:19

had called the cops he took off and they he

27:21

took off and never able to do anything of it because

27:23

there was no like actual evidence of him being,

27:25

you know, I don't have like a doorbell I at

27:27

the time or anything. cam the time or she said type of

27:29

thing said type of them, it's just, you

27:32

know, you guys broke up broke up your high

27:34

school, students. students like. Whatever type of thing so

27:36

but but it was good. I got

27:38

out of it. I got into the

27:40

new house with them and like cut ties. I

27:42

think he moved to another city and

27:44

I just never, Never never check been anything since yeah, stalked

27:46

you on social media or anything? Nope, no,

27:48

I know of. mean, very much

27:50

just much just there, so. there so Okay,

27:52

yeah, and it was actually that came came to an

27:54

end and what's where it gets a it gets

27:56

a little crazy here and like a

27:58

little interesting with, with I actually met actually

28:00

met my my first your your husband. Devin's

28:03

my husband. Yes. We've been married

28:05

almost five years now five years now. I met him

28:07

I met him third week week of college when I

28:09

first stopped my first year. I was under

28:11

fake name on wanted I just wanted to find

28:13

house parties because that's where I was. I was. He

28:15

had message me. that what you were doing, house parties?

28:17

Yeah. I was was just swiping right on everyone just looking

28:19

for a house party parties. So he. Well, how would they would

28:22

have it on No, I just put it on my put it on

28:24

my bio. I just had a fake name. It

28:26

was like just looking for So I'd swipe I'd swipe some and

28:28

some people would eventually be like hey, there's a party

28:30

here people that's how I'd get it. Well hey, had a

28:32

party. And some people would times and by the third time he was

28:34

like, just looking is the last message I'll try. And if not,

28:36

I'll get the point of it. We hung out for like

28:38

a week, but we had both. What do you think your

28:40

name was? like, like, like, My name I'll, like, I'll, I'll, there.

28:42

I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll,

28:44

Yeah It's really fun. Yeah, he's it's he cracks

28:46

me up did you it's really real pictures

28:48

and Did you just had a real

28:51

pictures on there and he was full real and everything.

28:53

I just had a different name on there and

28:55

he was full real name and stuff. I had

28:57

just gotten up to college and like my high school

28:59

Boyfriend and he he was out of relationship. So we

29:01

talked for like a week, nothing. like a week really

29:03

came out of it, out of it. You

29:05

know, amicable like we're gonna go our own ways. I

29:07

get with the I get what the first guy who

29:09

doses me, messages me at one me at one point in there

29:11

and is like, I I I actually I just wanted to let

29:13

you know, I feel kind of bad, know I I didn't

29:15

give you the time, like I think you should have

29:17

deserved. I'm think about to go into the have deserved. I'm If

29:19

you ever wanted to hang out you I just thought

29:21

I'd reach out and like out my shot. And I was

29:23

like, I'd that's really cool of you, but I'm actually

29:25

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next adventure .org. that happens.

31:56

I then that happens, I break up with that

31:58

guy there's there's a section where... I end up up

32:00

reaching out back to Devin And and I

32:02

are talking I are in he's in boot down

32:04

in in at the time at And

32:07

it's just and it's it's nothing too crazy, but

32:09

it's like everyday talking. crazy, but it's like And

32:11

then out of nowhere, he just I messaging me.

32:13

he just just stops messaging me and so I'm like,

32:15

all right, whatever. I'm that's around the same time I'm hanging

32:17

out with this other new guy. I'll just say his name's

32:20

Jay. and I'm hanging out with the same but

32:22

Jay is just part of our friend group.

32:24

So it's not like a romantic interest, say but

32:26

the moment that Devin stopped messaging me, but Jay. I'm

32:28

like, well, I I guess I'll pursue this guy. guy.

32:30

So that goes that goes on for

32:32

eight months. It ends in It ends in

32:34

doing something in like June. something

32:37

through Facebook or something. I'm

32:39

through Facebook or something. I realize And

32:41

I go in there and I realize that no, blocked,

32:43

in or no, it was in Snapchat I I think

32:45

I had went to go block someone else on my

32:47

Snapchat that had been friends with Jay and I

32:49

was like, because I'm not letting contact there. And I

32:51

go in and I realize was like, blocked on my

32:53

Snapchat. And I never did that and I was confused.

32:55

I go in I thought I was blocked. he's blocked. I go

32:57

into Facebook then and realized he's blocked there as

33:00

well. there as well. And it And it turns

33:02

out finally talking to finally talking to we once

33:04

we reconnect a couple months after that, Devin

33:06

thought I blocked him because I did

33:08

block him but I didn't block Devin. block

33:10

had gotten my phone. my phone, had gone

33:12

in, not like I not like I was talking to this

33:14

guy because he wanted to be with me. with me,

33:17

blocked Devin. And he did the box? Yes, and I and

33:19

I didn't realize I just Evan Devin like... It was just gone

33:21

one day So like like, oh, he me I didn't

33:23

think to check it at that point point. And again, again

33:25

I was and stuff, didn't think about it, but it

33:27

was like But it was like, after I got I got out

33:29

of that relationship, a month later I find this

33:31

stuff I'm I'm like, that's kind of fucking crazy. So how

33:33

of you crazy. to I to get through to him to let

33:35

you know. at first, and I didn't send anything. I don't even know

33:37

how to how to him at first and I didn't send

33:39

anything think at that point, I I that I don't even know how

33:41

to explain this. think, I think, I think at that point

33:43

think, I was still just I think, I this was before I

33:46

I even got therapy. I was just very I think, I

33:48

up and like. I think, I think, I I I eventually get

33:50

into like like of insomnia where like

33:52

I'm just not sleeping not sleeping been like a

33:54

couple times for it, couple times for it I

33:56

think after I had had blocked and then I

33:58

I think about like another month It was

34:00

in July, sometime I sent him a

34:02

friend request. request and he He accepted it,

34:04

he had me a little bit afterwards, bit

34:06

and I find out later I found out later when

34:08

I sent him the I request. him the friend about

34:11

to go. to go. and meet the meet the

34:13

with at the time, her with at the time, was like, her

34:15

son. was Cause this girl was down there and she's acting,

34:17

she kept pressuring Devin first wanting to get the she kept pressuring Devin into

34:19

wanting to girl was down there him for, she kept pressuring Devin

34:21

kept pressuring Devin into wanting to get married. pressuring

34:23

kept pressuring him for a ring and he

34:25

I like, he, he kept been together for a couple

34:27

kept and she's like, well come meet my son.

34:29

he kept pressuring, he kept pressuring, he I'm pretty sure she just kept

34:31

pressuring, he kept like, he didn't know. He's like, I didn't know

34:33

what to do. So he said he went into a bathroom and

34:35

he coin. he, he kept pressuring, he it said he so he

34:37

texted he and said, I actually don't think I want to

34:40

meet your kid and we should probably he, he up. And

34:42

so kept, he a little while afterwards he got mine, he got

34:44

reconnect and then we've been taught, then we've together

34:46

we were together for from like the

34:48

the very beginning very beginning of 2000

34:50

or 2018 distance until we

34:52

got married. got married the pandemic

34:55

and then lived out here. then lived out

34:57

here fucking so. yeah so that just yeah

34:59

wild tangent. But the way the I

35:01

got together is I of weird. like, is

35:03

kind of weird and like inner splice

35:05

there was so that was then a

35:07

split and everything else. everything else

35:09

yeah and I but I almost, him and I have and

35:11

I have said to each other

35:13

before, it's I don't love the stuff don't I went

35:16

stuff that I went through, but I also

35:18

don't think I'd go back and change any

35:20

of it because it almost feels like think I should have

35:22

don't think I should have beat to to learn

35:24

some things, but at the same time it

35:26

really did. going through through those relationships taught

35:28

me so much about what I I will and

35:30

will not accept from someone in the

35:32

future, like what I deserve. I deserve. I I just

35:34

learned a lot about myself and I think I think I

35:36

didn't know that didn't know met I when I did this

35:38

final time, did don't know if we would time like I

35:40

don't know if we to the point where we are

35:42

now. point like where what you said going

35:44

back to your dad almost losing his

35:46

arm if that happens if that these people

35:48

don't even exist exist. And if you if

35:50

you don't do exactly what you did in

35:52

this situation, you may not even have, We

35:54

talked about a lot you know what I mean? like

35:57

talk about it a lot because I feel like that second

35:59

time it wasn't super. super. It really just casual talking.

36:01

Like it wasn't super romantic or anything. And it's

36:03

like, yeah, I think if we tried, if

36:05

we would have tried to pull the trigger and

36:07

like... make something work right then. I don't know

36:09

if it would have. I think you know think it

36:11

might have been like the perpendicular pass where we're

36:13

here for one second and then we just split forever.

36:16

But now I think instead we're like on

36:18

the parallel where just, we're together and we're good.

36:20

He's definitely my person. he's a really great

36:22

guy. Yeah, he's a good dude. Yes, I don't want

36:24

to make you talk about it if you don't want to

36:26

but you said I don't have to get I didn't I

36:30

shouldn't have had to get beat. Mm

36:32

-hmm. who's this guy? Is this the

36:34

guy that's beating on the house and

36:36

trying to kill you? Yeah, he was

36:38

already physically abusive. Yeah, you believe for

36:40

sure when he said I'm coming in

36:42

Yeah, fuck you up. Yeah, and it's weird

36:44

because it's weird how it slips to that

36:47

point cuz it's not. you know, it's never, I

36:49

mean, I'm not, I I don't wish to say never. My experience

36:51

wasn't just like. a boom I'm hit

36:53

one day and it's like where the fuck did

36:55

this come from? It happens so gradually and stuff

36:57

like just controlling Example like I was never allowed

36:59

to shower alone I could not be in a

37:01

shower alone in the bathroom, but yeah at your

37:03

own house at my own house. I've listened.

37:05

I've heard some ladies have told me

37:07

crazy shit. I've never heard that. Mm -hmm.

37:09

Why? What would

37:11

you pop what is he afraid you're gonna

37:13

masturbate? in there? Yeah. There are times like that. There

37:15

are times like yeah, he would tell me like, if

37:17

you are a woman, you touch yourself, like you're disgusting.

37:19

That's weird. Stuff like that. That wasn't too heavy. But

37:21

then it became like, yeah, like I wasn't allowed to

37:23

like be in the bathroom alone. So there are times

37:25

where I was like, is, are you worried that I'm

37:28

like texting? Like you can have my phone. There are

37:30

times where it's like, I never hid anything in my

37:32

phone. Like, obviously I didn't. You got in there beforehand

37:34

before we were even dating. So things like that, like

37:36

I wasn't allowed to do that. He would have to

37:38

be in there like, if he wasn't in the shower,

37:40

he had to sit there on the toilet just watch

37:42

me and make sure like. Watch my every move. Supervised

37:45

showers basically yeah. to

37:47

make sure you're not touching yourself

37:49

sensually. And it's not just that but it's like there were

37:51

parts of that and then I think it just became a control

37:54

I think it's literally just a thing of control. I don't

37:56

think you just to tell this motherfucker I'm

37:58

gonna shower today and he'd have to You'd

38:00

have to wait he he was around And

38:02

if you took one, he'd physically beat you? I just wouldn't. I

38:04

if you take one, like there's one time he

38:06

beat you. time they did it, but it's just like the to take

38:08

one I at the one time he didn't just like me

38:10

at the time I did it but it's just like

38:12

the verbal abuse at that point like, like it starts

38:14

with that and it gets to the verbal beat it

38:16

starts to escalate beat at was a big one at the

38:18

was like me at the time they did me at friend at the

38:20

time. Who was my best friend at the time? it's just like

38:22

if her and I wanted to walk down the street

38:24

to go to they did, it's I like not do that. the could

38:26

not be alone without him did, it's like the time just whatever

38:28

reason. time they did, It It just came down to control.

38:31

Things like like him not having a job, so

38:33

I'm working extra then then he's taking and

38:35

stealing cash out of my wallet and then

38:37

when it's missing, missing, yeah, and then when it's

38:39

missing, like. like, I'm getting a in fight with my

38:41

roommate, he's pitting me against her getting really like

38:43

started getting really like isolated and stuff and

38:45

then yeah it started getting to where it

38:47

was like physical stuff and it's not always

38:49

like like... It doesn't start with

38:51

like with a fist punch. It's it's no, it's like a shove

38:53

against the wall and it's like, I'm joking, we're

38:55

rough the Like you need to quit being dramatic. And

38:57

then it's like a grab by the hair to the

38:59

ground and it's like, this is getting being But

39:02

then it gets to a point that you're

39:04

just scared and you're like, you hit survival mode.

39:06

the ground and I remember there was one time where

39:08

I worked at but and I worked with to a

39:10

manager at the time was, scared

39:12

older guy. Super nice. I

39:14

mean, mode. I mean, I. It's It's just so ridiculous.

39:16

He messaged me. I had went to like an extra

39:18

me. I thing for school to get extra credit. My

39:21

boss had messaged me if I could come

39:23

in to help him with pizzas because it was

39:25

a busy night. couldn't, I messaged him if I could

39:28

sorry, to was at this. He goes, no problem,

39:30

we got it handled. night. I couldn't. face,

39:32

not with an emoji just with like like,

39:34

hey, you know, can't. Can't. Can't.

39:36

Can't. Can't. he's an old dude. this. He's

39:38

at in trouble for that because I like, are

39:40

you fucking your boss that. you not telling me about

39:42

me? And I'm like, I guy is for that. I'm in

39:44

in college, he has a wife and kids. I work with

39:46

one of his kids. No, I'm not fucking him, like.

39:48

fucking him, Things like that, that, things like, if like, if

39:50

I would not sit on the couch and watch

39:52

him play Fortnite. I'm not even joking, I have I'm

39:54

not even joking. I have Fortnite there's a time.

39:57

And he's playing fortnight? I just remember

39:59

I just know where one, like. The one that I always remember

40:01

is him just like, he's getting mad or something

40:03

about it. And he was like, oh yeah, but you

40:05

can't support me. Like don't even watch me play

40:07

or something. It was something stupid like that. You won't

40:09

support me by watching me play. And I made

40:11

a comment something along the lines. I'm like, well, maybe

40:13

if you could hit people I'd actually want to

40:15

watch. And I feel like before I could even want

40:17

to watch could come out. I just controller to

40:19

the head. it's like. Jesus, your

40:21

aim's good. Yeah, just right to

40:24

the You can't hit anyone

40:26

else, but God damn, you

40:28

got me right in the

40:30

eye? Yeah. So things like that.

40:33

just wild stuff. I mean, I think The

40:36

physical stuff is almost easier

40:38

for me to like. understand

40:41

and sort through in therapy afterwards, cause

40:43

it's like. I can

40:45

understand that more Like he's messed up in the

40:47

head and he's just getting violent in whatever he

40:49

can't process stuff, whatever. the

40:51

controlling stuff the emotional abuse like that

40:53

is the stuff that took forever

40:55

to like I'll bet through and figure

40:57

out. What it feel like to take a

40:59

shower first time after? I bet you

41:01

felt weird. It was weird it was weird and it

41:03

was almost like - I'm saying it's probably not

41:05

like freedom. It's probably - No, It

41:07

was like definitely anxiety Cause it's just

41:10

like this feels weird like Like

41:12

it felt like something I was never allowed to do. if, and

41:14

if I tried to, it was like trying to sneak it. So

41:16

it felt like you're doing something like just. this

41:18

is when the PTSD diagnosis comes in later on

41:20

because it's like there's just things that are happening

41:22

that I'm like I don't know like I don't

41:24

know what's going on I mean anything that would

41:26

happen outside like I'm not sleeping at night like

41:28

Like The wind blows outside and I'm at

41:30

my door like looking like what's happening. I'm

41:33

having I'm not even I'm having dreams that are

41:35

about him if I see a car that

41:37

looks like air show up around this motherfucker. No,

41:39

the thing is, is like, I

41:42

told them a lot of this stuff afterwards, and so they were

41:44

really mad, but it was kind of cut at that point. It

41:46

got to the, I think it just hit the point where I

41:48

was like, I needed to just end it and cut, and I

41:50

didn't want anything else in that. So it's like, when that night

41:52

went down, was like, that was it. I don't know where he's

41:54

at. I don't know where he went after He never to

41:56

look him up. don't know. know. I don't too. Yeah, don't

41:58

care to at all. Because when they found

42:00

out, Eric was, I was, them, I mean, all all of hear

42:02

stories still, it's just like, he would hear just crazy, you know, to

42:05

like, I don't, it's just crazy, to do know, to. it

42:07

type of thing, which I can that but not be able

42:09

to do something about it type of thing which

42:11

I can understand like, though it's not his burden

42:13

like, like, Devin and I do not shower, like, like, I do not shower, like, like, I

42:15

do not shower, like, I mean, like, like, it was wild like, that's

42:17

one of those things like, like, like, like, like, like, like, I

42:19

don't shower with anyone like, like, Like like, like, I

42:21

do not shower together. like, like, I'm comfortable. If

42:23

I'm he walks into the bathroom and I'm

42:25

showering, it's totally fine. showering It's never been an

42:27

issue. He's always been so great at understanding

42:29

where I'm coming from and like just meeting

42:31

me where I'm ask you this, mean, just is

42:34

not me where you open the shower curtain mean were

42:36

you allowed is not you know what I'm saying?

42:38

make you physically put eyes on you were you allowed

42:40

to you know what yes, but we

42:42

had physically glass. eyes on you right,

42:44

shower? Yes. door. had like just a He

42:46

glass. Like a glass door. Yeah, I mean mean

42:48

there are times where like where he was on his

42:50

phone he was are times where he phone like just had to

42:52

be in there still like if he's not just

42:55

watching me like maybe he's on his phone to be in there

42:57

still like if then there are times where it was. It's

42:59

just like like maybe he's on his

43:01

and it's so he doesn't matter

43:03

if don't know just weird vibes, but you

43:05

get a certain point You're just like okay

43:07

I guess this is what these are his

43:09

boundaries me I'm gonna respect them because know what

43:11

you think it is vibes, but you're even before that

43:13

you're just know, just weird vibes, you're

43:15

know, I like, I Trying

43:17

to be like, like if this is a boundary, he's setting

43:19

up, I can meet him halfway, but then eventually those boundaries

43:21

start to go but one way too far and it's just.

43:24

boundaries start to the frog before

43:26

and and it's just like out of it

43:28

and you're looking back like what the and

43:30

I let myself do for you're just like out of

43:32

of thing. Yeah looking back like what the fuck

43:34

that I let yeah, it really messed me up a bit,

43:36

but... Kind of I think Really the

43:38

therapy that I had. that through the

43:40

therapy that I had helped me a

43:43

lot. helped me a lot that went

43:45

really well well until about I I don't

43:47

really have any other issues. I think my

43:49

I think senior year go good. Well, senior

43:51

year, pandemic hits, so. year Dev and I

43:53

had gotten married. Dev and I had gotten

43:55

married. In of 2020, I'm supposed to

43:57

go back and start back and start my

43:59

year. year. fifth year senior in

44:01

August. School's

44:03

to the point where like, you don't have to be

44:06

online. So I come back out here. I finished

44:08

my degree online out here, but about August of. August

44:12

6th, think of that year I start

44:14

having these symptoms again where I'm not

44:16

sleeping and I'm having insomnia to the

44:18

point and this happened like I said

44:20

before or I mentioned briefly this has

44:22

happened before I've been hospitalized twice before

44:24

the story for insomnia stuff so like

44:26

How many days are you on a

44:28

run of? Over 72 hours. What? Straight,

44:30

yeah. And not you're on math or

44:32

anything else. No, nothing nothing at all, and

44:34

here, and nothing at all, Like I, in

44:37

fact, we hear people talking about trying and trasadone

44:39

and stuff like I went through the gambit

44:41

of just trying to find stuff to just try

44:43

and like, put me down at times because

44:45

it was so bad Like just on constant high

44:47

alert, constant stuck on like flight or

44:49

fry. And then once you get past like

44:52

that. 48 mark

44:54

for me You start hallucinating

44:56

and things start getting weird. You're just

44:58

making mistakes. You mistakes. don't realize it's

45:00

really scary. So that happened two

45:02

times before, but they were hospitalizations that

45:05

were like voluntary and more so I'm

45:08

going on like over 72 hours. I don't know

45:10

what to do. Like I need something at this

45:12

point guys. And then just basically doing like a,

45:14

here's a shot as a sedative. And then I'm

45:16

out the next, you know, not like actually inpatient

45:18

type thing. This happens

45:20

in October though. I'm out here on the

45:22

military base. I'm on Camp Pendleton. I've probably been

45:24

out here so now. two

45:27

months or so, and school's kind of picking

45:29

up, it's getting stressful, and I'm starting to

45:31

not sleep again. And I

45:34

hit like, I hit

45:36

like day of not sleeping

45:38

and I'm texting Devin. about stuff

45:40

and I make a comment to him that

45:42

I'm like, I think should go to the

45:44

hospital tonight because something's not right. I

45:47

don't know what it is, but I'm afraid

45:49

I'm going to hurt myself without meaning to. In

45:52

And He called me right away and was like, what

45:54

do you mean? Cause I think he thought I meant I I

45:56

was going to self harm. And I was like, no, that's not what

45:58

I'm saying. I'm just saying that like. I think

46:00

I've been up too long. I'm not. not in

46:02

the right I'm not in the right state

46:04

of mind. I'm afraid that gonna make an accident

46:06

an hurt myself. And he's like, okay, we'll

46:08

go to the he's like, okay, It was just down

46:10

the street from our house. hospital. it's COVID,

46:12

so. the street from our They take

46:14

me in and I'm like, So they not in the right state of

46:16

mind at all. the They take me in and they're like. our

46:19

house. But thing they say is we're gonna check your

46:21

thyroid because I have a thyroid issue and normally when

46:23

things go wrong or I have health issues it's like let's

46:25

check that first because that's like the base of all

46:27

things our house. So I think think I'm going in there just

46:29

to get my blood drawn. my I go in there, they're

46:31

like, go in gown, you're gonna do a like, as well. So I'm

46:33

like, okay, that's fine. to do a P test the

46:35

gown on and they tell me that okay, gonna be

46:37

able to come back with me. So I'm like, I

46:39

don't want to go if Devin's not with me. Everyone

46:41

there is be I know it's military and I'm not really

46:43

into the military. to go just been living as with of

46:45

this whole time. there is like, like, I know expecting him

46:47

to be there with me and I don't

46:49

have my cell phone. the And I'm back there like,

46:51

I've been, I'm asking for asking for like, They're like, he's

46:54

not here have a but you can have a phone to

46:56

call him and I start getting upset at this

46:58

point this is like And some of this is to me. of

47:00

blotchy to me. Devans had to retell me it. to get really upset

47:02

that I start to get really upset that he's

47:04

not there. really upset I start screaming at them to give

47:06

them my clothes back because I'm like, get you guys got my

47:08

that he's my blood, so get are my clothes? he's like, you need

47:10

to wait here, not you need to wait here. And I'm

47:12

like, I'm not doing that. he's, that he's, I'm an adult, I gave

47:14

you what I that you need to let me go. he's, that he's,

47:17

that he's, that he's, that actually that the case. And I

47:19

said, all right, that fine. And I took off

47:21

running. that he's, Did you? In my gown. This is

47:23

no, this is the part I this is the part I

47:25

don't remember that Devin tells me. Devin said

47:27

in the waiting room. say he's there,

47:29

going to say he's there. Yeah. So he's in the waiting

47:31

room and all of a sudden he goes, all

47:33

of a sudden he And he said he sees me

47:35

run out and my tits are hanging out

47:37

of the gown. He's like, you hanging the armed

47:40

guard with your tits out. the I'm not even

47:42

joking. your tits out. I'm not even joking. And the thing

47:44

is, and and here's what's also funny. also funny. You definitely

47:46

get lost though now. Oh I am and I am

47:48

because it gets worse. You charge the arm guard with your

47:50

chest. Yes. your your- And so then and so

47:52

then, gets a little then like gets a little

47:54

worse a little, sound a little. a little

47:56

mad gonna get a little mad at I'm I'm you know, you

47:59

know, just let my, I'm gonna. tell you just how much

48:01

of a podcast nerd I was at this point because

48:03

when I'd go through these insomnia bouts it's I'm listening

48:05

to YMH episodes on repeat I'm which I'm listening to

48:07

the do because if I can't sleep it's like trying

48:09

to listen to something else to like not have your

48:11

own thoughts going all this time so before we had

48:14

went in and this is where it gets a little

48:16

like bumpy for me because like at this point they

48:18

had like gave me some type of sedative Because I

48:20

also find out later that, like, they did not know

48:22

any of my past records. So, like, I am, I'm

48:24

on a ADHD medication at this point. So they see

48:26

that in my system. And they're like, oh, she's in

48:29

a psychosis, which I understand the overlap, but not quite

48:31

that. But anywho, so I charged them, they finally get

48:33

me back in the room, they now have two guards

48:35

outside the room, and Devin comes in. And I had

48:37

forgotten at this point, but when we were going in,

48:39

I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like,

48:42

I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like,

48:44

I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like,

48:46

I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, like, I'm,

48:48

I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, of

48:50

whatever, if something, if you're getting too worried or something.

48:52

He's like, just let's just say, like, can we go

48:54

to your mom's house? And I was like, okay, gotcha.

48:57

So, charged out there with my titties, they get me

48:59

back in the room, I'm sitting down, there's like three

49:01

doctors, there's two armed guards out there, Devin's sitting there.

49:03

They give me a cup of water and he's sitting

49:05

there and I do remember this part because he's like,

49:07

hey you're fine, he's like, didn't you mention that you

49:10

just want to go to your moms after this or

49:12

something? And I'm like, shut the fuck up, why are

49:14

you talking about my mom? I want to leave this

49:16

hospital, like I'm yelling at him. They give me a

49:18

couple water at one point, they give me a couple

49:20

water at one point, they give me a couple water

49:22

at one point, they give me at him, like I'm

49:25

yelling at him, they give me a couple water, they

49:27

give me a couple of this type of this type

49:29

of this type of, I'm not this type of, I'm

49:31

not this type of, I'm not this type of, I'm

49:33

not this type of, I'm not this type of, I'm

49:35

not this type of, I'm, I'm, I'm not this type

49:38

of this type of, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm,

49:40

not your choice anymore. You are now officially on a

49:42

5150 hold. You're going to be transported by ambulance to

49:44

the Naval Hospital down in San Diego. There's nothing you

49:46

can do about this. And I think I fought them

49:48

a little bit more and I finally just got defeated.

49:50

I slept the whole way to the hospital and that's

49:53

when I got, I think this is like probably one

49:55

of the most traumatizing things in my life was getting

49:57

put in the psychuna at the military ward because...

49:59

it or no well no at first

50:01

when I get there, I'm just in, um... You're

50:03

not cuffed or anything. No.

50:05

nope nope, they put me on the gurney

50:07

for the ambulance, and I think they had given me

50:10

like an out van or something at that time like to

50:12

me down. So like I did fall asleep on the

50:14

ride there. Get to the hospital. about

50:16

48, so we can get an insert. Get to

50:18

the hospital there, and because it's COVID, normally

50:20

my case, like I would be able to

50:22

have visiting hours. Like visiting Devin would have been

50:24

able to come and visit me and have

50:26

lunch with me or do something like that.

50:28

I don't get any of that. They send me there,

50:30

it's like overnight so I'm in a room alone for the

50:32

first two days and What I

50:34

don't find out to hindsight is

50:37

like it's a military psych

50:39

unit, and haven't This is

50:41

going to seem a little blotch just because some

50:43

of it is still blotch to me. but It

50:46

comes apparent to me a few days in that

50:48

like, they're expecting me to operate as if I'm also

50:50

like, part of a military unit, as if like

50:52

I understand. So like, they put me in a room

50:54

alone. They haven't told me that like okay at

50:56

this time is like when we release shower stuff for

50:58

people. I had a shower with stuff in there,

51:00

so I was still showering. Or like,

51:02

this is when group meetings are like, they're expecting

51:05

me to take the lead and know this, but

51:07

I don't know that and I don't realize it's

51:09

being held against me. So 5150 is supposed to

51:11

be like 72 hours. I I end up there

51:13

for a whole week. damn when do

51:15

you find out Whole week. that

51:17

you're supposed to be that

51:20

you've misunderstood and it's being used against you.

51:22

When do you find that So you can say,

51:24

hey I'm fucking not part of this shit.

51:26

I about three days in the other thing too

51:28

is like I think about like three days

51:30

in because the other thing too is like I'm

51:32

I just feel lost. I feel like it, it

51:34

felt like, um, if like the

51:36

biggest mind game ever it felt like I was

51:38

put in this I went from being delirious to

51:40

now I'm in a situation where I feel like

51:42

I have to play some weird mind game to

51:44

get like the right codes to get out of

51:46

this place because like While I

51:48

did need help, this isn't the help that I

51:51

needed. And I'm in there with people that

51:53

are needing some help. can you talk to Devin?

51:55

Do you have communication him? I'm called Devon

51:57

on the phone and his heart. was

52:00

so rough for him for him because

52:02

I'm calling him him and I'm freaking

52:04

out. crying and stuff and stuff and he's

52:06

having to communicate to my mom about it,

52:08

but mom about it but he was was great,

52:10

and able to talk to him but I'm not

52:12

am able to talk to them. and I think not able to see

52:14

him and I think that's the part that messed

52:17

me up the most because it's like it's like only have

52:19

I only been been living only been

52:21

living in California now for like months

52:23

officially. officially so. only am I

52:25

in a hospital, I don't know

52:27

don't know anywhere. not like I'm in

52:29

Des Moines Moines and mom's there. Yeah. Hold

52:31

on a second. So yeah. It's not. I think

52:33

it was up. a feeling of being

52:35

like, God I'm stranded and

52:37

I don't know not, I I think it was just

52:39

that feeling of being these god, I'm stranded and I don't

52:41

know. And it felt like these military people are just such

52:43

authoritative figures. It's like, I just got to play the

52:45

game to get out of here and stuff. here and stuff.

52:48

And it was a nightmare. a nightmare, I I go to

52:50

the I go I get out of there and then they

52:52

have to do a separating call at the end

52:54

where you get on a call with call the

52:56

people that have been observing you the whole

52:58

time a I didn't realize have been observing that

53:00

have been whole time. And then we got on

53:02

a call I didn't realize have of some

53:04

sorts, and I could have that wrong, time, that

53:06

I didn't up who then evaluates

53:08

cases. me this whole like, you're going

53:10

to be allowed to speak on say your part, but you

53:12

have to wait until all these other nurses are done speaking

53:15

I could have that wrong, so just be calm. Wait

53:17

Wait your turn, then you can speak. speak And so

53:19

I did and all these nurses are reading things off. They're

53:21

like. things off not complying with taking showers at the right time

53:23

as everyone else. She's not coming and getting her tray at

53:25

the same time as everyone else. And this is part of

53:27

that thing where I was like. at the same didn't know there

53:29

was a schedule. Like I'm just being left in a room. of that

53:31

thing where I was like I didn't know the windows a

53:33

to escape just to elope a causing looking out I

53:35

would stand by the fire to just to

53:38

try and see where I was every

53:40

now and then. near the door, would keep

53:42

my hands behind my back. fire So I

53:44

get So I get through all this stuff then I finally

53:46

get my chance to talk and I'm just like. I'm just

53:48

I'll be honest, I don't know why I'm here. I'm

53:50

here. been here for a week. after I I've been

53:52

fine after I got some sleep. Like two I got

53:54

of those two nights of sleep, I've been fine.

53:56

No one's telling me what I'm supposed to be

53:58

doing. I never tried to run away. like I'm just

54:00

trying to figure out what to do because like

54:02

I feel lost and I'm really confused and like

54:04

none of this has been super helpful. I also

54:07

forgot to mention they're not linking up with all

54:09

the stuff I had just went through with my

54:11

therapist psychiatrist in at the university. So they're not

54:13

looking at like all this treatment that we've gone

54:15

through all this medication I've tried and gone through

54:17

and stuff. And so then they cold turkey me

54:19

on like my ADHD medication. and so we're gonna

54:21

put you on mood stabilizers and so that's happening

54:23

also halfway through the state so that's messing with

54:25

me and it messed with me until like honestly

54:28

probably about a year or two ago like I

54:30

was afraid to go to the doctors and like

54:32

seek help it wasn't until you're in the hospital

54:34

that I was like I need to get out

54:36

again when I was in the hospital that's nice

54:38

yeah because before that I was just I didn't

54:40

feel like I could trust them do you feel

54:42

better now Yeah, actually, um... So were they wrong?

54:44

They're totally wrong. I mean... So it is a

54:47

DSD and once you got back on that medicine

54:49

you felt better and stuff? For sure. They... I

54:51

understand where they're coming from now and I can

54:53

understand that like when I came in it definitely

54:55

probably presented as like a manic episode but it's

54:57

like I knew my history so well and I

54:59

had all of this other history they weren't looking

55:01

at to be like... This girl just needed sleep

55:03

and once I slept sleep and once I slept

55:05

slept, I was fine. What the fuck am I

55:08

doing here of these people? Like, so I also

55:10

had a history of shit that told everybody about

55:12

it at the hospital, they ignored. Yeah, that's what

55:14

happens a lot of times. And it's like, it's

55:16

like, and I'm actually in there with people that

55:18

need help, and it's like, I'm not even trying

55:20

to take up their, it's like, I'm not even

55:22

trying to take up their, it's like, I got

55:24

this one girl who will only try to take

55:27

up their, it, it's like, it's like, it's like,

55:29

it's like, I'm not even try to take up,

55:31

I'm not even try to take up, it's like,

55:33

I'm like, I'm not even try to take up,

55:35

I'm like, I'm trying to take up, I'm trying

55:37

to take up, I'm trying to take up, I'm

55:39

trying to take up, I'm trying to take up,

55:41

take up, take up, take up, it's like, take

55:43

up, take up, I And she's telling me, like,

55:45

until you can prove to me that you have

55:48

this, like, you don't have this, you're bipolar, you

55:50

have to take this, this, this, and this. and

55:52

just really messed with

55:54

me. Cause you, I mean,

55:56

you start a new

55:58

medication you then it's like,

56:00

they're flipping me and there's

56:02

certain medications are like,

56:04

okay, take this, but. and Make

56:07

sure you wash, make sure you are keeping watch over

56:09

your entire body for you next three days. Cause if

56:11

you get a rash, it could be fatal and stuff

56:13

and just random stuff. the next three really

56:15

messed me up you get a me be like, be

56:17

fatal and already kind of had imposter syndrome when

56:19

I like got diagnosed with ADHD the first time

56:21

because it was like, I felt so dumb and

56:23

then it made sense and now it's like, I I'm

56:25

dumb again. But it's like, okay, I wasn't just

56:27

because. it was like, a a doctor says something

56:29

like, you're allowed to get a second opinion.

56:31

And opinion. opinion and I who third and a fourth. doctor

56:33

doctor who I had worked with for years

56:35

in college before that knew me. We that - knew

56:38

such a Such a good rapport. we We really had

56:40

a plan I I eventually got back on that. on

56:42

so. and so that was really tough was really

56:44

tough. mean, that was of of the lights I was

56:46

that was main thing I was probably I write

56:48

in about the time before I decided to

56:50

just come to just come be a do And work for you

56:52

for And how How long was that

56:54

right before you started started working with me? That was in

56:56

have been like six months. I

56:58

think we been like six a think we It

57:01

really was yeah like Go from that to

57:03

working here and now you're seeing all these

57:05

other crazy in here and now You're like, I look

57:07

so all these other was gonna say I laugh

57:09

because You're like, I about so bad. I was going to say, I

57:11

because that's who I have now And I

57:13

will Kaiser will say my experience with Kaiser

57:15

so far has like every experience I've had

57:17

I feel like there's been like a

57:20

little piece of like a little from like healing from

57:22

I'm still trying to like unprogram myself

57:24

from that other one, because it

57:26

was just weird. was just weird, especially when

57:28

you're not. especially when in it in it like

57:30

know, you know moved in at in at like the end

57:32

of his service. It's not like I'm a not

57:34

like I'm a like with other military wives who understand

57:36

it. It's just like I live with Devin,

57:38

Devin goes to work, I'm in school and so.

57:40

to work I'm in It was just, so was

57:42

scary. was wild. was scary it was wild um I It's

57:45

It's crazy because I I feel like I came out

57:47

more traumatized than I went into the psych unit.

57:49

to the psych was like, So I was like I feel like I

57:51

needed another psych unit after that one, but that

57:53

was so traumatized, I couldn't do it. So, I but

57:55

yeah, and then after that, things got turned around

57:57

after that things got turned around and I'm sorry

58:00

Yeah, starting to get get better, get For you. good I

58:02

love you so much. much. I love you you I I

58:04

really appreciate working for you. You're a a great

58:06

boss. you. You're a wanna ask you, we got

58:08

it up, thank you for saying that. Thank for

58:10

saying that. 16 year old me. to 16 year old you

58:12

get to 16 year old I've actually thought

58:14

about this, thought about this. Yeah, be then, right? Yeah,

58:16

yeah. Actually, I've thought I thought about this a

58:18

lot just because my sister's close to

58:20

this age now this age now and everything. at

58:23

that time just felt so, felt so... felt

58:25

so so like finite so So like everything just

58:27

felt like this is how it's going

58:29

to be to be I think I would just

58:31

tell her like, it's not as serious as

58:33

you think it is. serious be fine it is like

58:35

it's like to be fine and like nothing about

58:37

like about tomorrow. Like worrying about

58:39

tomorrow's problems are just gonna take

58:42

away today's are just going to take give yourself

58:44

some grace. like stop not yourself some as

58:46

you think not as not as

58:48

said. think Thank you for

58:50

doing this. well for that

58:52

me thank you for doing this always Ryan

58:55

on all your social

58:57

media your social Have a great

58:59

sickler.com, have a great hope all

59:01

your dreams come true. dreams

59:03

come true. Happy, and

59:06

wealthy and wealthy, 2025 y

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'all. y'all. Talk to 'all

59:10

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