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0:29

The Honeydew with Ryan

0:32

Sickler.

0:43

Welcome back to The Honeydew,

0:45

y'all. We're over here doing it at the Night

0:47

Pant Studios. I'm Ryan Sickler, ryansickler.com,

0:50

Ryan Sickler on all your social media. Listen,

0:52

go watch the special. Go

0:55

to my YouTube, subscribe there,

0:57

check out the special, comment on it, share

0:59

it, like it. Still almost 700,000 views

1:03

even after being taken out of the algorithm.

1:06

Not taken down. You just got to go search it and find

1:08

it, and they make it a lot harder. That's what's going

1:10

on. I just want

1:12

to thank you guys for supporting the show. We're here

1:14

at the new studio. We got a lot of new stuff

1:16

going on. I'm very excited about it, some

1:18

things to tell you about. If you

1:20

got to have more and you got to have the Patreon, go

1:23

to the Patreon. It's five bucks a month. It's The

1:25

Honeydew with you all, and I promise

1:27

you, it's

1:28

a cup of coffee. You get hundreds

1:30

of episodes, and you're

1:33

never going to hear anything like you heard on that Patreon.

1:36

You get The Honeydew a day early. You get it ad-free.

1:39

You get it at no additional cost. It's five bucks.

1:41

It's been five bucks. We've never raised it. Go

1:44

check it out, and if you sign up for a year,

1:46

you get a month worth of episodes for free.

1:49

That's how that goes down. If you're

1:51

looking for a new podcast to listen to,

1:54

go check out my old podcast, The Crab Feast

1:56

with Jay Larson. I'm telling you.

1:59

Kirsten will tell you. the road nonstop

2:01

and people come up all the

2:03

time. They're touching my pitch in the crowd.

2:05

They're yelling, fuck the crab feast. It's

2:08

still a very thriving

2:10

community. The episodes are great.

2:12

Go check it out. Subscribe to that. All right.

2:15

Now, if you want to come see me on tour and

2:18

I'm in your city when you're there, then let's do

2:20

it. August 11th here

2:22

in L.A. at Flappers, come out and check out that

2:24

show. Going to have some special guests on that August

2:27

18th and 19th. Tampa,

2:29

Florida, September 1st and 2nd,

2:31

Springfield, Missouri, September 15th

2:33

and 16th, we're going to be in Tulsa. The

2:36

29th and 30th of September is Phoenix. The

2:40

27th and 28th of October is Salt

2:42

Lake City. And December 8th and

2:44

9th is San Francisco, California. All

2:47

right. Those are the dates. Go get all the

2:49

tickets at RyanSickler.com.

2:50

Now, that's the biz. You know, we do over

2:52

here. We highlight the low lights. I always say these are

2:54

the stories behind the storytellers.

2:57

And I am very excited

2:59

to have this guest on here today. Ladies

3:01

and gentlemen, please welcome Mike Feeney. Welcome

3:03

to Hustle. Wow. You

3:05

startled me the way you said that. You gotta fire it

3:08

up, bro. You fired me up. We gotta fire you up, man. You

3:10

know what I mean? Yeah. It's like that moment

3:12

after lunch on a set and everybody's got that lull.

3:14

You got to kick them in the ass a little bit. Yeah. Just

3:16

a quick. You just sit there and listen to that intro.

3:19

It lulls you a little bit. It did. I wanted to fire you

3:21

up. Yeah. You have a very silky,

3:24

maple syrupy voice. You know, it's very

3:26

it's like I could just kind of sink into a

3:28

bath

3:29

of it. You know? All right. Well, let's get into

3:31

a bath of that, bro. Will

3:33

you please, before we begin, plug, promote

3:35

everything? Sure. Mikefeeneycomedy.com

3:38

for tour dates. I'm going to be at the

3:41

Algonquin Theater in Manasquan,

3:43

New Jersey, doing a stand

3:46

up and live podcast of my podcast. Here's

3:48

a scenario with Mike Cannon and Brennan Sagalow.

3:50

We each do stand up. Then we do a live pod at the

3:52

end. Very fun. I'm also

3:55

headlining the Den Theater on

3:57

October 7th in Chicago.

3:59

So if you're.

3:59

around,

4:00

please come to that. I have a YouTube special

4:03

out called Raging Against the Routine. Mike

4:06

YouTube dot com slash Mike Feeney comedy. And

4:08

I just recorded and I directed

4:11

and I'm editing my own. It's my

4:13

second comedy special that should be coming out

4:15

in the next month

4:17

or two. So we have to have him pick an exact

4:19

date for that yet. But again, YouTube dot

4:21

com slash Mike Feeney and at

4:24

I am Mike Feeney across every social

4:26

media. All right. You got them all. That's it.

4:28

I just I just I one point I was

4:30

going Mike Feeney here, I am like Feeney here.

4:32

And then I just went blanket, you know. Yeah. No

4:35

one's taken. I am Mike Feeney. You know. No,

4:38

there is an at Feeney. I really wanted to get on Twitter

4:40

for a while. And then some I spent it

4:42

was an inactive account. I spent years like

4:45

and did like public, you know, outcry

4:47

things just as a bit to get people to like report

4:50

the inactive council. They would delete it. Then they finally

4:52

deleted it. I mean, I must have I must have posted

4:55

hundreds of tweets about this thing as a bit over the years. They

4:57

finally deleted it.

4:58

And then within 24 hours, somebody

5:02

from like a bank, like a non-prudential bank,

5:04

got it. And then I was like, listen,

5:06

I reached out. It was like some woman like, you

5:09

know, listen, Mrs. Yeah.

5:13

She's like, Christian, come see me at the bank

5:15

for a loan. And I was like, listen,

5:18

I've I don't know if you know the ground swell

5:20

of work that I've done to get

5:22

this released and back. So I was like, if you could just

5:25

and then she was like, I personally don't care. Let me let

5:27

me send you to the corporate thing. And then I reached out

5:29

to them and they're like, yeah, we're just not going to we're

5:31

not going to let that go. So after all

5:33

that, after all that, you know, she was willing to.

5:35

She was willing to. But she's also like a 50 year

5:38

old woman that just she didn't know what Twitter was, you

5:40

know what I mean? But regardless, so at

5:42

I am Mike Feeney, keep it simple.

5:44

So let me let me learn a little

5:46

bit about you. We hung out before

5:49

at the store. Not so. Where are you

5:51

from? Tell us a little bit about your background

5:54

from Long Island, New York. Lived

5:57

in New York City ever since I

5:59

graduated college.

5:59

So 2008, and that's

6:03

when I started doing comedy and I've

6:05

been doing it ever since. Living Queens,

6:07

got a wife and an eight month old kid.

6:10

Oh, congrats. Thank you. All right. Yeah,

6:12

so that's been a life adjustment. Yeah.

6:14

Yeah, it is. But it's great,

6:17

but yeah, so it's, but yeah, growing

6:19

up in Long Island, it's like a very, you

6:21

know, suburbs, but there's the beaches

6:23

and there's access to New York City. So it feels

6:25

like a very, you always

6:28

joke the thing in Long Island, people always go, oh, I can

6:30

go to Manhattan anytime I want. Cause it's, you know, an

6:32

hour on the train. And no one ever goes, you know

6:34

what I mean? They just talk about going. And then since

6:36

then, Long Island has gotten more and more like, you

6:40

know, its own world, you know what I mean? Like their

6:42

politics have very much changed. People

6:44

are like hardcore, you know, identity

6:47

politics with everything that was crazy, but they're like hardcore.

6:50

Like all my friends, you know, we used to listen to like

6:52

hardcore music and punk music. And

6:54

we go to concerts now, everyone drives a Ford

6:57

F-150 and has chewing tobacco and listens

6:59

to country music. It's like, you guys live in the suburb. You

7:01

know what I mean? In Long Island? In Long

7:03

Island. Oh, I wouldn't have guessed that. In parts of Long Island, it

7:05

gets very like they're big country

7:07

music people now. They think that they like

7:09

can identify with like cattle ranch culture

7:12

and stuff like that. In Long Island. Yeah, yeah.

7:14

You know, like Bruce Springsteen kind of has

7:17

this thing of being like,

7:18

I'm just like a working

7:20

class, like, you know,

7:23

I'm a blue collar. I till the earth

7:25

with my hands. Remember that commercially

7:27

come out for like, I think it was for like Wrangler or like

7:30

some or Ford maybe it was during the Superbowl a

7:32

couple of years ago where he's like installing

7:34

like fences on a ranch with his hands.

7:37

And you're like, dude, you have been one

7:38

of the most famous people on the planet for 95%

7:41

of your life. Like you were

7:43

a blue collar guy for like 16 years.

7:46

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, for 10 seconds.

7:48

Ever since then you've been. You had the system ball. Yeah,

7:51

you've been this elite rich, but now it's

7:53

just like, I'm just one of you, you know. No,

7:55

you're not. You've been one of us. You're

7:57

both the fucking driver's license, Springsteen.

7:59

And that's why, I don't know why, I think it's

8:02

Jersey, New York, but there's this Billy Joel

8:04

versus Bruce Springsteen thing. They're not even

8:06

like really comparable in terms of their music,

8:08

but it's a very contentious, like you either

8:10

have to love one or the other. They should tour

8:12

together then. They really, I mean, they would sell out arenas,

8:15

but I mean, but Billy Joel to me, again, I have

8:17

a Long Island bias here, but he is just like,

8:20

talk about like a salt of the earth. You

8:22

know what I mean? There's no, no popping

8:24

circumstance. The dude, he just drinks,

8:27

he drives his car into a tree, walks

8:29

home, like he's, there's no ego there, you know?

8:31

He's just, I'm a guy. Now he just takes his helicopter

8:33

from his house, right

8:36

to Madison Square Garden, does his, you know,

8:38

nine million sold out show and then takes

8:40

it right back home. Still pops in. On

8:42

the hits. Yeah. Oh, just, he hasn't put

8:44

out anything since the 90s. On the hits,

8:46

bro. It's crazy. I have a joke in

8:49

my first special about how saying

8:50

like, my wife and I's sex life at this

8:52

point, being together so long, it's like going to a Billy

8:54

Joel concert because we're just playing the hits, no new

8:56

shit. Everybody's happy, you know? That's

9:00

it, you know? Yeah. Like

9:03

you're never going to go to a Billy Joel concert. He's going

9:05

to be like, Oh, he's doing it earlier than he did it last night.

9:08

That's the only difference. I thought I played this the sixth

9:10

last night. Oh, the stranger is so early.

9:13

I mean, you got to love Billy Joel too.

9:15

In our line of work, what's the line? Closed

9:18

the shop, sold the house, bought

9:20

a ticket to the West Coast. Now he gives him a standup

9:22

routine in LA. Come on. Yeah, I

9:24

mean, he's- That's fucking Billy Joel, bro. He's just-

9:26

He knew what's up. He pops into

9:29

local Long Island music venues and just

9:31

will either be there or sometimes

9:33

he'll sit in. There's sometimes a Billy Joel cover

9:35

band will play in Long Island and he'll

9:37

just go hang out and then he'll jump on

9:40

stage with them for a couple songs. So people

9:42

that are seeing a $10 show

9:43

just happened to see Billy Joel in a 200

9:46

seat, it's crazy. Yeah, he's

9:48

a good dude. I don't know. I have no idea if he's a

9:50

good dude. I want him to be a good dude. I hear you. Yeah,

9:52

yeah. I

9:53

hear you. So tell me about growing up. You

9:55

have siblings. Tell me about your parents. Only child,

9:59

product of divorce.

9:59

Parents got divorced. What age? Right

10:03

in the I hate everything phase

10:05

of life, you know, probably 12, 13, yeah,

10:07

adolescent, just like. When it's hitting you naturally,

10:10

even if your parents love each other. Dude, just raging

10:12

against the machine and system of a down

10:15

and just being angry about everything.

10:17

Why did your parents split?

10:19

I assume the constant

10:23

awful fighting that happened. It was never

10:25

anything physical, but just screaming.

10:28

I think they were a little bit like,

10:30

you know, my dad. My mom is

10:32

a very like, she's a firecracker.

10:34

You know what I mean? She's just kind of, I think even after

10:36

she had the kid, she's like, I still want to go out. I still

10:38

want to like party and be the life of the thing. Do they

10:40

have kids young? I don't know. They

10:43

were like, they were like about, I think my mom was 28 and

10:45

my dad was like 31 or something. Like

10:48

it wasn't, you know, it was for sure. Teenagers,

10:50

right? Yeah, no, no, no, but they were, my mom

10:53

was just kind of like, I like going out and my dad

10:55

became a lot more of like, you know, he was, my

10:57

dad's like comes from an Irish Catholic

11:00

family of, you know, of a bunch of siblings

11:02

where it's like, you work in, you know,

11:04

he was working 80 hour weeks while trying

11:06

to get a graduate degree while also,

11:09

you know, raising a kid. So he just was very

11:11

much like, stay, you know, let's stay

11:13

home, let's raise the kid. And my mom

11:15

was like, you know, when I was in elementary

11:18

school, my mom would take me out

11:20

like to bars with her. Really? Yeah,

11:22

when I was like, yeah, dude, I was like a kid. What year

11:24

is that? I mean, so

11:27

I was born in 87. So I guess this was like-

11:29

Yeah, that's later to me. I can't believe you could still

11:31

do that. Yeah, I mean, I don't know that you could,

11:35

but we did.

11:36

There

11:39

was this Irish bar that we would go

11:41

to a ton in Long Island down

11:44

in Port Jeff. And

11:46

we would, you know, it was

11:48

literally a biker bar. Like it was just an Irish

11:51

biker bar, that place where it's like, it's

11:53

dark at 12 and there's people hanging

11:55

out in the bar. And this is how young

11:57

I was. You know, those little like

11:59

pop. basketball kind of they had one of

12:01

those I was young enough where they

12:03

put me inside the cage

12:06

on the other side of where the balls go down and I would

12:08

just be free-throwin from two feet

12:10

out while there's like that was your playpen

12:13

while your mom was drinking too. That

12:16

was your fucking playpen dude.

12:19

And to this day. Do you have a

12:21

pack and play? Joe I'm telling you. That's

12:23

your pack and play. You got an 8 ball.

12:26

I'm telling you it's my slumdog

12:28

millionaire. I never lose a pop shot

12:31

to this day dude. It's like a muscle memory.

12:33

I know the touch dude. The best babysitter ever

12:35

dude. Yeah and

12:37

like yeah dude it was just a biker bar

12:40

and I would you know there was some

12:42

like there was some rough crowds in there and

12:44

stuff but I remember apparently

12:46

my mom tells the story of one time I

12:48

went up to like apparently

12:51

the you know the most standoffish

12:54

don't fuck with this biker guy because he's

12:56

always in a bad mood just let him sit at the corner of the bar

12:58

and drink

12:59

and I had like the leather you know

13:01

vest on and all that stuff and I went up to

13:03

him and

13:04

I look at like a kid you know I'm a child

13:06

and I was like I was like oh sir I was like you have

13:09

some I didn't I couldn't even say spaghetti I said you have

13:11

some sketti on your shirt and

13:13

then he looked down and I flipped his nose

13:15

just flicked his nose it was

13:17

like the record

13:19

scratched everyone everyone was on the

13:21

edge of their seat you know and then he laughed

13:23

about it and I was

13:24

like ahhh alright he's killed seven

13:27

people yeah he's just stomping

13:30

but alright so wait hold on why is mom

13:33

hanging out in a biker bar is she that

13:35

type of she came from she spent she

13:37

spent college in Florida she used to ride Harley's

13:40

so she kind of your mom yeah my dude you

13:42

do not look like you come from a Harley mom

13:44

I know I know she's got two bikes again she

13:46

didn't know what's her name is it like Sharon Debbie

13:49

yeah yeah yeah yeah

13:51

yeah so she was she was very

13:53

much like yeah

13:54

no tattoos either which is

13:56

crazy I thought she was for sure would have got some

13:58

lot of denim leather

13:59

A lot of data. But. But

14:02

she. So,

14:06

so, wait, this is great, dude. So Debbie

14:09

comes from a Harley background, like sort of like

14:11

was her dad or your grandfather, uncles,

14:13

anything, or is that just her thing? My,

14:15

my, her, she had a, she has

14:17

an older brother, my uncle, who's I think like 12 years

14:19

older, and he had a bike at one

14:22

point, but he's more just like, he's a musician. But

14:24

my grandfather was like World

14:26

War II vet, like police,

14:28

police. Oh yeah, police

14:31

officer. He was like NYPD

14:33

for like 37 years. Like

14:35

he was, but he was also weirdly enough, like the

14:37

most loving, like, you know, for a guy

14:40

who was in World War II, for a guy who did all that shit, he

14:42

was the most, he's the most like, he always said, I love

14:44

you, he's very affectionate. He was crazy. He

14:46

was like the opposite. You would give him every excuse, he was born

14:49

in 1920. It's like, you give him every excuse to

14:51

be like, you know, a racist

14:53

or like a hardened, not emotional

14:55

guy. And he was, to his credit, he was, he

14:57

was the best. That's great. All right,

14:59

so mom's hanging out in biker bars, not because

15:01

that's where she can get away with taking her kid, but she also

15:04

is of that, those are her people. She was

15:06

that ilk, yeah. And was your dad also

15:08

in that world? No. Okay, so let's talk about

15:10

that. They grew up a block, they grew

15:13

up two blocks away from one another and my dad's

15:15

best friend introduced

15:17

them. And weirdly enough, my dad lived on

15:20

Deb Street, which is a very, yeah,

15:22

very strange, but. It turned out to be a

15:24

dead end street, though, you know. Yeah. So

15:28

they were like, you know. They

15:32

were, I guess they would party, I guess, and, you

15:34

know, before they had me or something. But then I think

15:36

it was, again, just that different ideas

15:38

of like, once we had the kid, like, let's be, you

15:40

know, a more, you know, traditional household.

15:43

And, you know, and my dad would try to be like,

15:45

let's take him to church and everything. But then like the

15:47

second I was Catholic, the second

15:49

we got. Your mom's not taking him to the church or Harley Davidson,

15:51

not. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My mom did not go to church

15:53

with us. She would like, she would stay back and like

15:55

make breakfast so that when we came back and everything, but

15:58

like. So just you and your dad would go? Yeah, I think. my

16:00

mom went the first few times and then was like, I'm

16:02

not making it. But then- Do you

16:04

remember, because kids are smart, do you remember at early

16:07

age, like

16:09

maybe it was wrong or whether it was wrong

16:11

or not, like was hang out with mom more fun

16:14

and hang out with dad? For sure. Did you

16:16

get that? Yeah, because dad was like more of a disciplinarian.

16:19

He wasn't, he like, he didn't even, I don't even think my dad

16:21

believes in God. I think he just was kind of like, this is what you're

16:23

supposed to do. You know, it's supposed to come in from

16:25

an Irish Catholic family. You got to go to church. And

16:27

the second I like got my confirmation, we literally

16:30

never went ever again. It was like the last day we ever

16:32

went. So did you get that documentation bro? It's like,

16:34

and word of honor. You passed,

16:37

exactly. So it was just- I graduated,

16:39

it would never come back. So I think there was like constant

16:41

fighting about like, you know, like that

16:43

kind of a, we would come home. It

16:45

would be probably like, I don't know. It would be

16:48

way past a bedtime for a child on

16:50

a school night. With your mom. Yeah, yeah, we'd like

16:52

come back. And my mom would have to be like, you

16:54

know, the prepping in the car of like, we don't

16:56

have to like say where we were,

17:00

But isn't she always at the same spot? Essentially, yeah,

17:02

yeah, yeah. So which again, it just became kind of like

17:05

a contentious thing. And then they would always fight

17:07

about that. Which, you know, looking back on it, you're like, I think my dad

17:09

had pretty,

17:10

pretty good claims, you know,

17:12

for being angry and something like that. So it

17:14

was like, that was for sure

17:17

a constant source of fighting for

17:19

them. Because then my mom felt like she was being

17:21

like, she was being like turned into just like a house

17:23

mom, kind of a thing. And I don't know all this

17:25

other stuff, but- She's a horrible- But she also

17:28

had jobs too. She worked in like nail salon. She

17:30

had bought a nail and hair salon

17:32

like six months before she got pregnant

17:35

with me. Oh really? And then that was like,

17:37

well, I can't do this. And then she just worked in

17:39

nail salons my whole life, which was great. I

17:41

always got free haircuts, you know, and stuff

17:43

like that. Got a talent on there. Thanks man. Yeah,

17:46

you did. Thanks dude. Good head of

17:48

lettuce. And I would just, I would like sweep up hair and like, you

17:50

know, I would also make terrible prank phone

17:52

calls using that thing when I got older and stuff. It

17:54

was- She's just entertaining yourself

17:56

while this is going on. Yeah, the only child thing,

17:58

man. You know, it's like all my- My neighbors had like five

18:01

kids. So I was always like that kid who

18:03

was, I would hang out with them, then they would go

18:06

back home and continue playing. And I would be like, oh

18:08

shit. So I'd do my own,

18:09

it's where you get an imagination, I guess, if you're an only child.

18:12

But

18:13

one time I was at my mom's hair

18:15

salon. Again, I was young, I don't remember

18:17

how old, but definitely like 10 or under.

18:20

And I like, there was a phone

18:22

in the back, like old rotary phone. And

18:24

I just was like, here's a fun prank and I'll just call 911.

18:28

And then I called 911 and then

18:30

they answered and I hung up.

18:32

And then I was like, that was kind of fun. And

18:35

then I picked up the phone and I called 911 again. And

18:38

then I hung up.

18:39

And I was like, that was a fun bit for just me.

18:41

And then I just kept going about

18:44

my business. And then, you know, 20 minutes later,

18:46

two police cars come up. Cause

18:48

they think like a hostage situation is happening. You

18:50

know what I mean? There's

18:52

like multiple calls with a click. I

18:54

don't even know

18:55

that. So they're like, something terrible

18:57

is happening. So they send

19:00

the police and the

19:02

cops come in and they're like, what's going

19:04

on? And now the whole, you know, there's like a busy hair

19:06

salon. There's like plenty of, and everyone's like, who

19:08

called 911? Who called 911? And I'm

19:10

having that moment of like, I'm going

19:13

to be in so much trouble. I'm going to have to admit it's me. And

19:15

then there was a mother there with like her

19:17

like kids that were a little bit younger than me.

19:20

And they were kind of being like a terror. And she was

19:22

like, it was probably my kids. I'm

19:24

so sorry.

19:25

And like these kids got in so

19:27

much trouble. Like, yeah, I'm like, I wouldn't

19:29

be the kid sweeping hair. That

19:33

kid's the most innocent of boys. You know? And

19:36

I got away with that, but yeah, it was. So

19:39

when your parents split, do they stay

19:41

close in proximity? Are you bouncing back

19:43

and forth? Or are you primarily with mom or dad?

19:46

How does that work? I was with mom. My

19:49

great uncle had just died and he lived

19:52

probably like a half hour away. So

19:54

my dad moved there. So I was doing

19:56

that for a couple of years. And then my dad

19:58

eventually moved to New York city.

19:59

when I was just taking the train into New York City

20:02

every week. And how old? How old did you start

20:04

doing that? Probably like 14,

20:06

I guess, maybe,

20:08

or something like that. And then up until, he lived there for 20

20:10

years in

20:14

the east side of Manhattan. So

20:17

that was cool though. I felt cool to take the train into

20:19

the city and all that other stuff. Like it was a very

20:21

exciting time to be like, a

20:24

Long Island could be like, I'm going into the city every week. And

20:26

did your mom remarry? My

20:29

dad's remarried, my mom got

20:31

re-engaged. Everyone's

20:34

always like, when's the wedding? Why don't

20:36

you have a date? And she's like, I'm never getting married again.

20:38

And they go, why? And her exact

20:40

line is, I already have the rock.

20:43

Where is he going?

20:44

Where you're like, all

20:46

right. Where's he going?

20:49

Where'd he go? Where does he got to go? Let

20:51

him find something better. And you're like, okay, Anna.

20:54

Which works for me, because then if she dies, the

20:56

money comes to me and not to

20:58

poor Jeff. But

21:00

it's interesting. It is, I think

21:02

about it all the time. It's

21:04

just this, I was so funny. I had an Uber driver

21:07

bring it up to be marriage. And it's just this archaic

21:10

contract. Like if anyone

21:12

outside of marriage, this was a

21:14

business contract, where you go look, man,

21:16

if this thing goes great, this is going

21:18

to be amazing. But if you fuck

21:21

up, or even if they fuck up, you

21:23

could lose this and this and this and this. You

21:25

would fucking say, if it was a business proposal,

21:28

most people I feel like would go, I'm not

21:30

gonna do that. Too much risk. I'm not gonna do that.

21:32

Way too much risk. 60% chance of

21:34

failure. Yeah, that's the other thing. You start throwing stats

21:36

on top of it too. Yeah, I mean, I was never the guy

21:38

after like. Goldie

21:41

and Kurt did it right, man. They

21:44

did. Dude, I'm not. They did

21:46

it right. Just be like partners

21:48

and share a life. They

21:50

have everything that everyone else does

21:53

except for paperwork. Even if they

21:55

are legally whatever now, I know common

21:57

law, whatever, but still. Yeah. There's

21:59

no.

21:59

State involvement. There's

22:02

certain things though. The government doesn't need to be involved

22:04

in your wedding. Yeah, but there's other things

22:06

where you're like, access to health insurance

22:08

and like, you know, power of attorney if

22:10

I'm a vegetable, you know what I mean? There are those

22:13

things where you're like, it'd be nice to have somebody. I was

22:15

never gonna, I never saw myself getting married, especially

22:17

coming from divorce. I was like, I would never be like,

22:19

you know, and then I just, you know, you meet the right

22:21

person and whatever. And I met her early,

22:23

you know, in college, like in my freshman year

22:25

of college, I ended up meeting her and we're still together

22:28

now. It's great. I think my grandparents

22:30

are like, my grandfather was a police officer and my grandmother,

22:32

they were married 67 years. It's like, those

22:34

are the, that's like the people that I look to to

22:36

be like, that's the- 67 years. Their

22:39

story is like, I have to like write a

22:41

movie about it at some point. Tell us a little bit about it. They're just

22:43

kind of like this, the notebook as

22:45

sort of thing where they were- This is the

22:48

same grandfather's fault for a war too. Yeah,

22:50

so he was born in 1920. She was a little

22:53

bit younger than that. And they

22:55

met and they would hang out in the neighborhood.

22:57

My grandmother was like obsessed with him. He

22:59

was like a little bit older. So, and then,

23:02

you know, they would hang out in Flushing and College

23:04

Point, Queens, and, you know, just so

23:07

poor. They were both so, it was like depression,

23:09

that they had nothing, you know? And then my

23:12

grandfather's brother, World

23:14

War II starts. My grandfather's brother

23:16

gets drafted into the

23:18

war. My grandfather didn't get drafted,

23:20

but he's like, I'm going to go sign up. So he

23:22

wanted to go to the Navy,

23:25

I think he wanted. So he went into New York City, took

23:27

the police test so that way he's like- Dude did not

23:29

get drafted in the war. He hadn't got drafted yet. I

23:32

mean, maybe he might have, but- So he was going and just said, I'm going to go where

23:34

I want to go instead of being placed. Yeah,

23:36

he was just like, I want to, I got to do my duty, my brother's

23:38

going, I'm going. So he went into New York

23:40

City to take the police test so he'd have a job

23:42

when he comes back. And

23:44

like one of the physical tests was like the hurdles.

23:46

And then on like the first hurdle, he like

23:48

clipped his foot and then like landed

23:50

directly on his knee and then had to

23:52

do the rest of the test. So his knee was like blowing

23:55

up. So he got done with the test. He's in Manhattan.

23:57

He gets out, he's like limping around.

24:00

And he says to a person walking in the street, he's like, where

24:02

is the Navy recruitment center?

24:04

And they were like, oh, it's like 15 blocks straight

24:06

this way. And then you make a left. And he was like, OK.

24:09

He's like, and where is the Army recruitment

24:11

center? And they were like, oh, it's across the street. And

24:13

then he went there. And so

24:18

he just signed up for the Army. He's like, we're

24:20

in the Army, Bob. Yeah, we're going to the Army. So

24:22

he did like 52 missions across. He

24:27

was flying. Yeah. And there's

24:29

giant bomber planes and stuff like that. He did. And

24:32

even when they came back, they were so poor.

24:35

And they were so poor, which now becomes

24:38

a beautiful thing. But they were so poor that my grandmother's

24:40

wedding dress was made out

24:42

of my grandfather's parachute from

24:44

the war. No. His silk parachute.

24:47

And then she actually

24:48

still fit in it for their 65th

24:50

wedding anniversary. No way. It was crazy. Yeah.

24:52

That is nuts. Yeah. And then he like,

24:54

and then he worked. Where's that dress right now? It's probably

24:56

at my mom's house down in Florida. Debbie's got

24:58

that? Yeah, Debbie's got that. They're not out there fucking tying

25:01

it all back and going wheelies and shit

25:03

with that tape on. Watch

25:05

this. Look at grandma's dress in

25:07

the wind. Yeah, it was crazy,

25:10

dude. But you know, and then he worked, like I said, 37

25:12

years, NYPD, two

25:14

kids, you know, and they just were like, they're

25:16

the cutest couple you've ever seen in your

25:18

life. They just were always, you know, very

25:21

fun and laughing a lot together. So they were a good

25:23

beacon of like, love can be a

25:25

thing, you know?

25:27

So yeah, I don't know.

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Now

28:12

let's get back to the, another

28:14

thing we were talking about before we recorded, you

28:17

mentioned you had some surgeries and stuff, and I wanted

28:19

to talk to you about that because you said you've had quite a bit. Yeah,

28:22

yeah. Go back to the beginning and tell

28:24

us what happened. What happened, are you like born

28:26

with health issues? Yeah, I

28:28

mean, the first thing, the thing that I was

28:30

born with was I had

28:32

like, it's called pectus excavatum,

28:35

which is basically like a concave

28:37

chest, like my chest, almost looked

28:40

like a dented in ping pong ball. I knew a

28:42

kid in high school that had it. Yeah, yeah.

28:44

It's so funny because my best friend in elementary

28:46

school. I didn't know it had a name. Yeah, my best friend

28:48

in, we just called him weirdo. Yeah.

28:52

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

28:55

Yeah. Well,

28:57

it's so weird because my best friend as a kid

29:00

also had it. So I thought like it was

29:02

way more, he lived in my, he lived the block from me. So I

29:04

was like, I thought like most kids. I was like two

29:07

and a million and you two have to live

29:09

here. Exactly, dude. So like, you know, obviously.

29:11

He has to do the same clinic as you. Yeah. So

29:13

obviously like as a kid, like that was a pretty

29:15

big source of like, you know, self-consciousness

29:19

and being like, you know, in public, I

29:21

was like, my family would tell me, it would

29:23

be at the pool or at the beach or something. I'd

29:25

always kind of be like, you know, I think I would be like

29:27

pretending I was cold to kind of like cover

29:29

my chest and stuff like that. And then

29:32

there was a surgery they used to be, they

29:34

used to do back when I was a kid where

29:36

they would literally like cut you

29:39

from like your,

29:40

the top of your chest, all the way to your belly

29:42

button, like almost like butterfly

29:45

you open, break your ribs and

29:47

like reconstruct. It was like this barbaric,

29:49

crazy thing. So my family, thank God,

29:51

never got that for me when I was young. And then

29:54

when I became like. Is it something they knew when

29:56

you were born or did it just over time when

29:58

you started growing, they could see it was growing?

29:59

They knew I had it when I was born and then

30:02

it was getting like it was starting to get like

30:04

worse when I was Cuz I would get headaches like every

30:06

day is what I want to ask you So is this a surgery that

30:08

you absolutely have? Well, it will it end up pushing

30:10

in on lungs? Yeah, they said it could

30:13

eventually like Go like

30:15

push on to my heart like at some point in my life So

30:18

it was like, you know, so when I was like 15

30:21

they came out with this other like brand new

30:23

Revolutionary surgery in Norfolk, Virginia Where

30:26

basically this guy like he created

30:29

this like stainless steel bar that

30:31

he just do a slide You do

30:34

a slice on the side of your rib and they

30:36

basically put this bar in and

30:38

then they just kind of turn it So it just pops

30:40

the chest out and then you keep the stainless

30:43

steel bar in your chest both sides Yeah,

30:45

well, I mean they have it. It's like yeah, it's just like a straight

30:47

across and they keep it They keep it in

30:49

your chest for three years. You

30:52

had this I had it so I got it when I was 16

30:55

and I went and I went and got this surgery

30:57

and then you get this stainless steel bar

31:00

and It just it pops the chest out and then

31:02

look normal from here. It's good now It's a good

31:04

time, you know, like I feel like I forget that I

31:06

honestly forget that that was ever like a whole

31:08

part of my life You know, I mean you ever just like don't milk

31:10

down and just let it just splat When

31:13

I had a when I had like a hole like a thing

31:15

down here, dude, I'd put like popcorn in there

31:18

as a kid It was like a little bowl, you know Yeah,

31:21

a hundred percent man. It was for sure. It's

31:23

like a straw So

31:26

I got this surgery I got the surgery

31:29

at 16 had to keep this bar in my chest

31:32

for three years till you stop growing So so you're

31:34

like after 18, how does that affect

31:36

your life? Can you play sports? No, that's where

31:38

it affects my life It's first off you have

31:40

a

31:40

bar in your yes that you feel

31:43

and it's like I like laying on my side It

31:46

just felt weird and shit I mean

31:48

like probably not but it felt like it feels

31:50

like it was yeah, dude Oh for sure. Like if

31:52

you would hit it It was like really waking

31:55

up from that surgery was like pretty in

31:57

terms of like pain level It was like one of the worst

31:59

like some guys as though get it so bad

32:01

that they like, they have to get two bars because they're

32:03

like taller and stuff, which is even brutal. But

32:06

I got this one because I was getting headaches every

32:08

day of my life, every day. And they said it was

32:10

because I had the lack of oxygen from being

32:12

able to like get full, long capacity from

32:14

the chest. So I get this surgery and because

32:16

of that, they're like, you can't do football.

32:19

I mean, this was always my frame anyway, but like you

32:21

can't do football. You can't do like hard contact,

32:23

like sports or anything like that. No MMA, no

32:25

boxing. Yeah, no MMA, none of that stuff. So I did

32:28

like track and field and like crew

32:30

was like rowing and stuff like that. So I did those

32:32

things, but like, I never really enjoyed that.

32:35

I always wanted to do like baseball. It's like fucking braces

32:37

for your ribs. Yeah, inside. It's

32:39

so straight. You know, it's like, so that

32:42

was obviously like a whole story. And then after

32:44

my freshman year of college in between freshman

32:46

year and sophomore year, I had to go get

32:47

the bar removed, which is like- How's

32:50

that work? It put you out, I assume for

32:52

that. All they do, it's like, you wouldn't even know, did

32:54

I have like two little scars? They just literally

32:56

like, yeah, they just pull it. Isn't

32:59

bone around it though? You think

33:01

so? It came out that easy? Were you awake? No,

33:04

God no. Okay, all right. I was gonna say. Just

33:06

screaming. Just screaming. Yeah, no, no.

33:08

I'm looking at the sword. Yeah, like taking

33:11

the biggest splinter out of the inside

33:13

of your body. No, yeah, so

33:15

I had that done. So that was like, that

33:17

was

33:17

obviously the most serious

33:20

of the surgeries that I had because that was like

33:22

a major, you know, reconstructive

33:24

surgery. And then when I was like, whatever

33:27

year, however old, when it was

33:29

like 2001 or something, I think around that

33:31

time, I had a, I had appendicitis,

33:34

which was like a crazy night because

33:37

I was like my dad, I was with

33:40

my dad that weekend. He had taken me,

33:42

this is when he was still living in Long Island. So it was before

33:44

he moved to the city, but we went into the city to

33:46

go see a concert. We actually, we went to BB

33:48

Kings, the venue, and

33:50

we saw John Entwistle

33:53

of The Who. And this was actually his last

33:55

concert before he died. And he was

33:57

completely deaf at that point. Is

33:59

that right? for all of the years of the, you know,

34:01

and all the play. So he was completely

34:03

deaf. And it was the loud, to this day, the loudest

34:06

concert I've ever, because he has no idea how loud, it was

34:08

the loudest concert I've ever been to in my life.

34:10

And then we were coming back, it was just like this whole

34:12

crazy day where like, I'm like, I'm like starting to be in

34:14

pain. We're driving back to Long Island.

34:17

There's so much traffic. So then my dad,

34:20

like every, like it's literally bumper to bumper. So my dad's

34:22

like, I'm going to go off the on ramp

34:24

just to like get out of this. And like a bunch of

34:26

cars were doing it. And then like a hundred

34:28

cars must have taken that that on

34:30

ramp off. And then like the police came

34:33

and gave like my dad a ticket and then gave like

34:35

the next five cars tickets. So we got tickets. So that slowed us

34:37

down even more. So then my dad's pissed. We

34:39

stopped at a gas station and my dad

34:42

like moved. He like went to reverse his

34:44

car

34:45

and he backed his car into

34:47

a like Ninja motorcycle

34:50

and- Debi's people. Yeah. Well,

34:53

she's more the Harley. She's listening, but this is like

34:55

the these people, you know? And he

34:57

knocked the guy's bike over and then it

34:59

got like caught under his car. So

35:01

my dad went to like move forward and was just dragging

35:04

this dude's bike. And this guy who

35:07

like he dressed like- Was he there? Did he see it? Yeah. Yeah.

35:09

Dude, this guy was like a, like a probably 20 something

35:12

like just like black Robocop. Like the

35:14

way he was

35:15

dressed in like the whole thing, dude. And

35:17

he went up to my dad's window and like just

35:19

fucking was bashing the back of

35:21

my dad's car where like all

35:23

of the, you know, it's spider web, the whole back window.

35:26

We had this old like Toyota Celica. So it was like almost that

35:28

hatchback kind of thing. Bash that and

35:30

then him and my dad are like, like screaming

35:32

at each other. I think my dad's going to get killed. I'm

35:34

like freaking, I'm a cry. I'm screaming. I

35:36

don't know what's going on. So then we have to fill out the police

35:39

report with all that. So it's like now it's like one or two

35:41

in the morning. It's like the longest night ever. And I'm

35:43

like, again, my stomach is killing

35:45

me this whole time.

35:46

We like go over the bump to get out of

35:48

the, to get out of the gas station.

35:50

And like the second we hit like the whole back windshield

35:53

falls into

35:53

the car. A

35:57

million pieces of glass. My dad's pissed,

35:59

you know. The worst day ever.

36:02

And his son won't stop fucking complaining about

36:04

his stomach for some reason. Yeah, yeah. And

36:06

then I woke up and then like an hour later, I

36:08

was like, my dad was just like, we gotta

36:11

go to the hospital. And immediately they're like, you gotta get

36:13

surgery and stuff. So then I had the appendicitis,

36:15

which was fine. You know, it's whatever. I mean, all compared

36:17

to other surgeries I've had, it was fine. And then

36:20

since then I've also had three different shoulder

36:22

surgeries. Why? What's going on with the shoulder? Well, I had, I

36:24

tore a labrum and I was, I

36:26

tore like, I think playing basketball or Ben

36:29

Preston. And I had it torn for four years.

36:31

So it was just constantly, I couldn't

36:33

lift my arm like over this for years.

36:35

And I just figured that was just my way of life. Got

36:37

the labrum surgery, that fix it. Then like

36:39

a year later, the labrum started fraying

36:41

again. But then they realized, cause I did an MRI.

36:44

Is this all a result of what happened in your chest

36:46

originally? Is this like- No, but this part

36:49

is actually kind of a weird oddity thing

36:51

as well is that they found out

36:53

the reason I've been having shoulder problems, cause inside

36:56

the ball of my shoulder, like in the solid

36:59

bone where it's supposed to be solid was

37:01

completely hollow. There was like a cyst

37:04

inside the bone. So my shoulder

37:06

has been like weak my whole life, which has

37:08

caused all of the other compensating and

37:10

issues for it and stuff like that. So they had to, they

37:12

did two surgeries at once where they went in, drilled

37:15

into the bone, took out

37:18

the cyst, replaced it with

37:20

donor bone. So it would make it a solid bone. And

37:22

then while that surgeon was done, the other surgeon

37:24

tagged in, fixed up the labrum, shaved down

37:27

the collar bone, all that other stuff, and then did

37:29

that. And that was like the last one I had was during, it

37:31

was during COVID, it was like 2021 or something

37:33

where it was like, I was alone in the hospital, all that other shit.

37:36

How long were you in there? I was just there for

37:38

the day, but like what's crazy is you weren't allowed to

37:40

have family or friends in there with you. And

37:42

I was like, you know, they make you not eat for so long

37:44

beforehand. And I was, I'm pretty, I don't

37:47

love needles, but I'm like, okay with

37:49

them. But this woman came over

37:52

and she was like the nurse and I

37:54

go, I gave her my hand to put the IV

37:56

in. I'm like, I know this game by now, you know? And

37:58

she was like, I'm actually gonna put the IV.

37:59

in your wrist and I was like, the

38:02

wrist, why? It's always that one that wants to experiment.

38:04

Yeah, and I'm like, look how veiny my, I'm like, they're

38:06

right here, it's cool. There's no reason. And she's like,

38:08

I mean, just like stabbing my

38:10

wrist, just not finding a vein, it's just

38:13

over and over again. And then she finally

38:15

got it in and I was like, okay. And then she

38:17

was like, you know what, it's not- Can't bend your wrist. Yeah,

38:20

and she was like, it's not dripping up enough. She's like, I'm

38:22

gonna take it out, I'm just gonna put it in your hand. And I was like,

38:24

and for some reason when she was

38:26

taking it out of my wrist, dude, that I

38:28

just was like, apparently what I

38:30

said out loud was like, nope, don't like

38:32

that. And then I just passed out. I just,

38:35

I was fully

38:37

swooned, I was like, everything got black and then,

38:40

dude, and then I wake up and I think like,

38:42

I don't know what's, you know when you, I don't know if you ever passed

38:44

out. I haven't, I've collapsed and blacked out.

38:46

Okay, yeah, well it's like- You wake up, you don't know how

38:48

long you've been out. It could be 10 seconds or 10

38:51

hours. I thought the surgery was over. That's

38:53

how confused I was. And the worst

38:56

part is, I wake up from the blacking

38:58

out and it's like, you know, nurses around me, they got like ice chips

39:00

on my neck. And I was like, oh, wow, that was

39:03

like a crazy surgery. And I looked down and

39:05

they were like, we had to wait for you to wake back up

39:07

before putting the IV. They didn't even put the,

39:09

I still had to go through the whole process of putting the IV in

39:11

again after that, where they're like, now that you're awake,

39:14

let's put it back in. I was like, you guys are monsters, absolute

39:16

monsters. So,

39:17

but yeah, the surgeries went well now.

39:19

It's like, I'm the strongest, my shoulder's the strongest it's ever

39:21

been in my life. Because apparently when you were a kid, you

39:24

can get some cysts, but they're supposed to go away.

39:26

But mine of course did not. So yeah,

39:29

dude, it's been a nightmare. But

39:31

you've also had a lot of injuries that aren't just

39:33

from that too. Why? What did you,

39:36

I don't know. Were you a daredevil kid?

39:38

I wasn't, yeah, I was a daredevil kid.

39:40

I just like, I basically had like, Jackass

39:43

was like such a

39:45

giant

39:46

influence in all my whole life. That

39:48

was right at the perfect age. This is what's

39:50

interesting to me about that though, is Jackass

39:53

is a group effort. You're a solo

39:55

kid. Well, all of my boys, we all, yeah, I was

39:57

a group effort. You weren't just around the house by yourself.

39:59

No, no, no. Okay, all right. But

40:02

I was always smart in that I

40:04

was obsessed with cameras. I always had a camera,

40:07

ever since I was a kid, I always would be the one filming

40:09

things. And I was very good at talking

40:11

my friends into doing jackass stuff.

40:14

And they'd be like, why don't you fucking do it? I'm like, yeah, I'm filming

40:16

it, dude. It's going to be great. And so I always got to all

40:19

of the ones that were violent or things where it

40:21

was like, we're going to just roll

40:23

out of a moving car or do the... All

40:25

those things. Just convince them that I'm

40:27

going to get the best footage of this and convince

40:29

them to do it. And it was really

40:32

quite odd. But also we did dumb shit in my car. We

40:35

did a lot of reckless, all that stuff

40:37

when they would post that thing on jackass in the beginning

40:39

where they're like, warning, don't try

40:41

this at home. We won't look at some mission tapes. Don't

40:43

even try this. We would see that and

40:45

we'd be like, I know what they mean. They

40:48

just want to see a good one. And that's what they want.

40:51

I get it. Legally, they got to say it, but they're

40:53

interested. What were some of the wildest ones you

40:55

guys did? I mean, we

40:58

would just drive... A lot of

41:00

it was car related stuff, man, which wasn't

41:02

great. But we

41:04

would drive recklessly.

41:06

We would also get into fights with

41:08

motorists. You know what I mean? Like start fights. You

41:11

know what I'm saying? We would go to McDonald's and

41:13

get food and then we'd be out of a red

41:15

light with a car. And then the second the

41:18

light would turn green, we'd just throw the tomato

41:20

onto there. You know what I mean?

41:22

Throw a milkshake, just being like piece of shit kids

41:25

and stuff like that. And then most times people

41:27

in Long Island, they will chase you. They will chase

41:29

you until you get away. And my buddy

41:32

was like a getaway driver. He just... He

41:35

would

41:35

know... He would just directly blow through red lights,

41:38

just cutting across lanes and stuff like that.

41:40

The worst one was we

41:42

did a fake kidnapping. Yeah.

41:45

So, we drove... We were down in

41:48

Port Jeff outside of a bar that had like a line

41:50

outside of it. And we drove up.

41:54

We had our friend in the trunk and he was banging

41:56

on the roof and we opened

41:59

it. We were like, shut the fuck. I pretended to hit

42:01

him and then got back in the car and

42:03

people were like, what the fuck? What was that? They're

42:05

all horrified. And then this

42:07

other car, I guess like a Samaritan,

42:09

like person that saw it, started like chasing

42:12

us. So then my buddy goes into

42:14

his evasive maneuvers, blowing

42:16

red lights, cutting across double yellow

42:18

lines, just illegally driving like crazy. And

42:21

then like after like five minutes of chasing us, they

42:23

fucking put a light

42:25

on, because it was an undercover cop. Oh

42:27

shit. So they pull us over, draw

42:30

the guns on us. Guns are out? Guns are

42:32

drawn. Man, are you shitting yourself with this? In their mind,

42:34

they saw a kidnapping. Yeah, they really

42:36

did. And now this guy is illegally driving. Yeah,

42:38

you're lucky they're not shooting and asking later. Yes,

42:40

yes, yes, yes. So they

42:42

pull the guns on us, they

42:46

go get the fuck out of the car, and they do that thing,

42:48

and we're just trying to explain to them, but they're not listening.

42:50

We're like 17, we don't know. Because this

42:52

is also what every person does when they get pulled

42:54

over. Yes. Telling them they're first. No, no, you

42:56

don't understand. And they literally

42:59

do the thing where they go,

43:00

what's in the trunk? And we have to

43:02

be like, all

43:04

right, so it's a guy, but

43:07

we're boys, and he'll tell you we're boys

43:09

when you open it. You'll see, you'll see. And

43:11

we open it, and my buddy who's been getting thrown

43:13

around, you know what I mean, in the trunk, they

43:15

open it, they're like, are you

43:17

okay? And he's like, no, no, they're my friends, and

43:20

they don't believe him. They think he's

43:22

like, you know, like we're behind

43:24

him, like, turn him. So

43:28

he's like, we had to show IDs,

43:30

we had to show pictures of us from

43:32

being friends. He just, we had to call

43:34

his parents. We had to show,

43:37

nuh-uh. So he had to call his parents to be like, is

43:39

this a real kidnapping? Is this kid just lying?

43:41

And stuff like that. And then they, I mean, somehow, almost-

43:44

And credits to the cops for doing that, at least they could

43:46

have just been like, yeah, and you guys really could have been fucking

43:48

that kid up. Yeah, like the Dahmer situation,

43:50

where they just let that little boy back going to the thing. But

43:53

yeah, we somehow, impossibly,

43:56

as far as I can remember, got away.

43:59

Like, there was no- All our parents

44:02

were called. That was the worst of it, but

44:04

they didn't do it. They didn't give my friend any tickets for all

44:06

the speeding that he did and all that other shit. So

44:09

yeah, man, I mean, just

44:11

jackasses. You're idiots. Just

44:13

terrible. They

44:15

might ever really get hurt?

44:17

My friend had like, yeah, he got

44:19

his knees fucked up and stuff like that just

44:21

from literally shopping

44:23

carts, going in those metal, great shopping

44:26

carts, pushing them as hard as you can into a

44:28

curb and just seeing what happens, that kind of a

44:30

thing. We had this up, go ahead. Sorry,

44:32

also, this is just a real, my

44:34

buddy would, we would go to this, there

44:36

was this one street in our block

44:40

that, or in our neighborhood that was

44:42

like obnoxiously wide for

44:44

some reason. It was way wider than all of the other streets

44:47

and it was like a kind of an in-between street and

44:49

we would just do donuts

44:52

in that and my buddies

44:54

and I, but mainly

44:56

my buddies, because it was my car, would go

44:58

on the roof of the car. No. And

45:01

no straps, just hold on

45:04

to the roof. Lay or like squat hold?

45:06

Are you Spiderman or are you laying down? No,

45:08

they're like laying down. But

45:12

we're doing donuts and they're just holding

45:15

on to it. And like one of, we probably like, we're

45:17

grabbing his ankle from inside the car

45:19

or something, but like just almost

45:21

in an effort to like, let's see if we can throw

45:23

him from the top of this

45:24

car onto the concrete and

45:27

shockingly nobody, like it was one of those things where it

45:29

was like, the only time someone fell was like right as

45:31

we were stopping and they kind of just rolled off, but I mean

45:34

easily could have been killed. Dead. Any

45:36

of us.

45:36

Dead. Dead. Dead. I

45:39

don't know how anybody makes it past 16. I, we were reckless. We

45:41

used to have this bridge, it was on the 32,

45:43

route 32 and

45:46

it was a hundred feet from the top. So there

45:48

were rafters under it, there were about 50. And

45:51

then the top was a hundred. We took a tape measure,

45:53

measured it. And when you're swimming

45:56

under it and you look up, it doesn't look that bad.

45:58

Yeah. Yeah.

45:59

But when you get up there and

46:02

you look over and the first thing you

46:04

will see are like leaves or something floating

46:06

on the water tops that gives you a perspective, you're

46:08

like holy fuck. So

46:11

people started wanting to jump off of it. And it

46:13

became this like after school thing. People

46:15

go down to watch people do it. Other

46:18

people would swear they're gonna do it. And

46:21

we had known of an arrival

46:24

school, it's called South Carroll for us. We

46:26

were Liberty there, South Carroll. And one of the kids there,

46:28

I think they were doing night swimming and he jumped.

46:31

And apparently there's a cable or something

46:33

way down there. And I guess his foot got stuck

46:36

and he never came up.

46:37

So we would only do it during

46:39

the day. Yeah, he died.

46:41

Oh shit. We would only do this during the day.

46:43

And we would only do it if we would have six

46:46

or seven people swimming out in the water.

46:48

So if you came down, they would dive

46:50

down right away to be there at least

46:52

to try to help you. There were people that would wait up in the

46:54

rafters and jump in if you needed

46:56

more help. Because that wasn't

46:59

that high, 50 feet's not that bad. It's

47:01

bad, yeah, it's tough. But 100 is stupid. 100 is

47:04

insane. And so we had this

47:06

one, we're still friends this day, this one kid, Chris Sheela

47:08

was always like, I'm gonna

47:10

do it, I'm gonna do it. Me and ain't go fucking do it. He's like,

47:12

I'm gonna do it. Every

47:13

day he's gonna do it and he never does it. So one

47:15

day, I go, you know what?

47:18

If you do it, I'll do it. And he's like, are you serious? I go,

47:20

yes, because you're not gonna fucking do it. So we

47:22

walk up, we get on and a guy comes up

47:24

with us to make sure that if he goes, I

47:26

go. And I said, you don't need to make sure. If

47:29

he goes, I'm going, but he's not going. And

47:31

we're up there for 20 fucking minutes. And cars,

47:34

they're riding by. And

47:36

I'm like, you're not doing it. So I turn

47:39

around and

47:40

I just hear this noise. I just hear

47:42

a whoo. And I turn back

47:44

around, he is fucking gone. And

47:46

I look over and this motherfucker's screaming.

47:48

My God, 100 feet, dude. He

47:53

did it. And he went in and he

47:55

came up screaming like, yeah! No

47:58

pain, didn't get hurt. No.

47:59

Well, some people certainly did. So

48:03

I'll tell you what happened. So I had to do

48:05

it and it took me a while. I

48:07

got out over the edge and I held back and I kept

48:09

letting go. You know, I kept waiting for the

48:11

miss and I wasn't missing. I was

48:13

not missing. And then I let go

48:15

and I

48:18

pin dropped in. And man,

48:20

the water, maybe the first eight

48:22

feet is warm. It's sunbeat ground. Yeah,

48:25

yeah, yeah. Man, you go down deep. It's

48:27

pitch black. It's fucking cold down

48:29

there. So I panic, you

48:31

know, I panic swim back up and

48:34

I'm all stoked that I did it. And I get out and

48:36

the next day in school,

48:38

my ass and the

48:40

bottoms of my fucking feet. From

48:42

slapping got hard. Fucking

48:45

hurt so bad. I couldn't sit in my

48:47

chair comfortably or whatever. A girl

48:49

went up and did it.

48:50

Didn't close her legs. She got

48:52

her vagina torn. Had

48:55

to go to the ER cause she got a tear. Torn

48:58

bro. It's a hundred feet up. You can't

49:01

be going down reckless with your legs. No, no,

49:03

no, no. You gotta be tight. Yeah, she's

49:05

just fighting a bull.

49:09

Dude, get out of here. My

49:11

brother, he's an idiot. So he decided

49:13

that jumping wasn't enough anymore.

49:16

Now somebody's got a jackass, you know?

49:19

And they were trying to flip off. And my

49:21

brother made the mistake of, he

49:23

got scared, but instead of flipping straight

49:26

out, he sort of went off to that flip

49:28

where you go this way. You know, that I'm

49:30

not fully committed to. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The

49:32

panic flip. And he went wildly coming

49:34

down. He slapped on his ribs. He came

49:36

up, we have it on video. Somebody still has that somewhere

49:39

on VHS. And he was spitting up blood

49:41

for like a day.

49:43

Did he go to the hospital? No. Sick. That's

49:45

what I'm saying. He's that idiot. He's like, no. Just

49:47

classic. If he can last more in a day, I'll do it. And he

49:49

didn't. Dude, the only

49:52

thing I've, I jumped off a 62 foot

49:54

cliff in Hawaii once. And

49:57

I was watching, it's

49:59

like a just day.

49:59

they

50:00

jutted out into the ocean kind of a thing.

50:03

And it was like a long swim, it would be like a long

50:05

swim back. It was like a few, and it was like a pretty strong,

50:07

it was in Kauai, it was like a very strong current. You

50:10

had to be a really strong swimmer. And I was- That's the

50:12

thing we didn't have. This was just lake dead

50:14

water, you know? This was like

50:16

strong current. So I'm like pretty nervous

50:19

about it. I'm like worried about, is it even deep

50:21

enough? Are there rocks here? And I saw like

50:23

local Hawaiian dudes, like literally like

50:25

not even break stride from climbing up

50:28

this thing and then just do three front

50:30

flips and land and then just swim and go, yeah

50:33

dude, I was up there for probably 30 to 35 minutes

50:36

by myself, just being like, I'm gonna- Ah, what

50:38

up? And people are like hiking past me, being

50:40

like, are you jumping? Ha ha

50:43

ha! They've circled around, you still here, Mike?

50:45

Literally, someone did, someone went, I can't believe you're

50:47

still here. And they go, it was this old couple

50:49

that finally gave me the courage. Because I was like- You

50:51

just bullshit an old guy. Well, the other thing too, because I'm like one of the

50:53

times, I'm not making this up, dude, one of the times

50:55

I was about to jump, I had

50:58

like the, my legs were bent, I looked down

51:00

and where I was planning on jumping was a fucking

51:02

sea turtle, like at the top. And I'm like, if I

51:04

landed on a, I just shattered everything, you

51:07

know? So I told this old couple

51:09

who had- Yeah, that dinosaur ain't even gonna budge.

51:12

What fly just hit me? Yeah, I just

51:14

melted. And so I told this

51:16

older couple that saw me go by and I was like, just

51:19

can you, like if I just

51:21

make sure that I come up, and if

51:23

not, go tell somebody. Because my wife was like at

51:26

the pool, she was like, no, no, no, it was there.

51:28

So I finally jumped off and dude,

51:31

I did like the running, kind

51:33

of like running bicycle thing.

51:35

And the

51:36

other thing, dude, I'm sure you experienced too, you

51:39

just never, you're falling for so

51:41

long. I can't even imagine, 162 feet, I

51:43

was falling and then you're like gaining speed

51:45

as it's going. And you're well aware of how fast

51:48

your hauling is. It's getting faster and

51:50

faster. And you're like, why haven't I

51:52

hit the water yet? And then when I

51:54

hit, I was like, I think I was like in between

51:56

running because I landed on like my ass

51:59

and thought. And like you said, dude,

52:02

for the rest of that trip, my whole back of my leg

52:04

was completely bruised. It's like a slap.

52:06

I couldn't sit down. It was none of that. So I

52:08

totally relate to what you're saying, but I can't

52:10

imagine that a hundred feet. And

52:12

then I found out that same cliff, I

52:15

found this out afterwards, that same cliff Justin Bieber

52:17

had jumped off of and it

52:20

blew out his eardrum. So he had to

52:22

like cancel his entire tour. It was like a notorious

52:24

like, don't do this cliff. Oh, no shit.

52:27

Yeah, so I ended up, again, had I known that, I've

52:29

told this story before and a

52:32

long time ago, probably on the crab feast and people

52:34

call bullshit, but I called my younger brother

52:36

after I told him, I go, people don't believe that fucking

52:38

story. So off to the side

52:41

of that bridge, you got the bridge about a hundred and then there

52:43

was a cliff off to the side, to the left. And

52:45

what we used to do is take, we take our swimming masks and

52:47

stuff and we'd all swim the bottom and make sure there

52:49

were no rocks under there because it's obviously not

52:52

clear water or anything. And everybody be like,

52:54

this is a good spot to go. And then there was just a place we called

52:56

the rock and it was just a little 10 foot jump

52:58

off and just hang out and people were

53:00

drinking, smoking, whatever. But this

53:02

was just off, so some people were jumping off the

53:04

bridge here and then you just come down here for the people that

53:06

were not as stupid and

53:09

wanted to do something a little less dumb. And

53:11

we always would play fucking dumb, like,

53:14

oh, you know, Jaws, something's pulling you under,

53:16

somebody go out. And we'd always

53:18

yell snake, snake or whatever. And one

53:20

time

53:21

my fucking brother jumps in and

53:24

he's out there swimming

53:25

and we look out and there's

53:28

a fucking water moccasin that's hauling ass, coming

53:30

right at him. In the water, a snake and

53:32

we're screaming, snake, snake. But

53:34

we've yelled snake so many fucking times.

53:36

Holy cried wolf. Exactly. He doesn't

53:38

even, he said, whatever. We're like, now we're all

53:40

doing it. We're throwing rocks. He's

53:43

like, stop. He turns around, this

53:45

motherfucker's like, yeah, yeah. He's like, oh my God. He

53:47

starts swimming. I'm like, I don't think he's gonna fucking make

53:50

it. My friend, true

53:52

story, Jeff Wagner, he was like, this is

53:54

like neighborhood legend shit. He

53:56

was the best player in baseball.

53:59

He went to university.

53:59

of the University of Maryland, he was really fucking good.

54:03

This kid takes one of those flat like shale

54:05

rocks and he fucking throws it. And

54:07

I promise you, Mike fucking Feeney,

54:10

it cut that goddamn snake. No

54:12

way. I'm telling you. I was just saying like, if you had

54:14

said he just hit it, I'd be like that crazy. Like cut it in half

54:17

and it broke like this and then it slowly

54:20

floated like this. And we were like, get the

54:22

fuck, ah! We're going

54:24

nuts, we're going nuts. I called

54:26

my brother after I told that story because people

54:29

are like, you're full of shit. I'm like, Todd,

54:31

they don't fucking believe. He's like wagging her through that rock

54:33

and cut the snake in half. I got in half.

54:36

It cut in half because it cut it in half.

54:38

I was like, wow. Oh my God. You actually weirdly just

54:40

reminded me of a near death experience that

54:42

I had that I've forgotten about to tell

54:44

you about that I might've blacked

54:46

out on purpose. I

54:49

was, so I was, this was in between

54:51

one of my years of, it's probably after my freshman year

54:53

of college when my mom, my mom moved to Florida

54:56

at that point. So

54:58

she's, I would work at a surf shop during the day

55:01

right on the beach and I would go surfing all

55:03

the time. So one of the first times I went, literally

55:05

the first time it was like New Smyrna Beach which is

55:07

kind of like a great surfing beach

55:10

on the East Coast of Florida. Also the

55:12

shark bite capital of the world. It

55:14

is? Yeah, and not, they have like- It's the East Coast?

55:17

Yeah, it's like six foot, not deaths, like

55:19

bites. They have like all these six

55:21

foot, whatever sharks that come in. So

55:23

they get, people get bit, then they go to like get

55:26

stitched up, go right back out surfing. It's like, so that's

55:28

like the notion I'm having going into

55:30

this. So I'm starting to paddle out.

55:33

I'm kind of near the jetties, you know, where like the

55:35

surf point is. I'm starting to paddle out.

55:37

And then suddenly I see as I'm

55:39

paddling, I'm getting closer, like the current taking

55:42

me closer to the jetties. So I was like, oh, that's not

55:44

good. So I turned my board to paddle

55:46

away from the jetties. And the

55:48

current, I mean, within, it felt

55:50

like seconds, took me out past

55:54

the, past the jetties and

55:56

on the other side of it, which was- Oh, you went

55:58

around. Just open open.

55:59

There's like no beach, there's

56:02

no nothing. It's just, I'm gone. And

56:04

like, I'm just- I wanna say, not to interrupt

56:06

you, but there's a place in Ocean City, Maryland, they call

56:08

it the Inlet, and it's where the bay side meets

56:10

the ocean, where they literally touch at the end of that.

56:13

Right. And

56:14

it's okay over here, and if you go over there,

56:16

it's madness. It's just, you're by yourself. Yeah, so I'm like,

56:19

and like, the beach is packed, and

56:21

seemingly nobody is seeing me drift

56:24

away. And I'm starting to do that thing of like, I

56:26

was a lifeguard, so I'm like, I'm a great swimmer. So I'm kind

56:28

of swimming. I'm panicking a little

56:30

bit, but I'm like, it's okay. And everyone's just getting further

56:33

and further away. I'm kind of like waving to people.

56:35

No one's doing anything. I get onto that

56:38

other side of the jetties. Now I'm just

56:40

in open ocean. No one can even see me

56:42

anymore. So I'm freaking out. So I

56:44

go, I'm losing ground on this board.

56:48

So I'm gonna jump off and I'll swim. So

56:50

I jump off and I start trying to swim.

56:53

And I'm like really swimming hard, and

56:55

I'm not gaining or losing ground.

56:58

Like I'm just in place essentially. And I'm

57:00

starting to get tired, and now I'm like really starting

57:02

to freak out. And- How long do you think you're out there

57:04

at this point? I must've been out there like alone,

57:07

probably like at least like 15 minutes.

57:09

Damn, yeah. Of just being like alone,

57:12

alone. Are you trying to signal for anything

57:14

at that point? The only people that I could

57:16

still see where there were like some older

57:19

Asian fishermen that were on like

57:21

the jetties of the rocks, they're not even facing my

57:23

direction though. They're just kind of like, you know, real and

57:25

stuff. And so I'm like panicking,

57:28

dude. And again, keeping in mind shark

57:30

bite capital, all alone, looking

57:33

like a seal, you know what I mean? Just not

57:35

good. So then I realized,

57:37

I remembered from being a lifeguard, like

57:40

that doing like the backstroke is a lot

57:42

less effort than doing the front stroke. So I

57:44

start doing the backstroke and I'm actually

57:46

like gaining a little bit of ground, but I'm still like working

57:48

my ass off. So I do it, I backstroke

57:51

for at least, I don't know, another five

57:53

to 10

57:53

minutes. And I finally got towards

57:55

the other side of the jetties

57:58

and one of those Asian.

57:59

Asian fishermen

58:01

saw me and scaled

58:03

down the thing into there and

58:05

brought me back up as I'm getting, I'm

58:08

getting crashed into the rocks,

58:10

dude. My board is all in pieces,

58:12

ding, and it's all sharp rocks. So

58:15

I'm bleeding, which again, now the blood with

58:17

the sharks, I'm getting, every

58:19

day he's trying to reach me and then the current would smash

58:21

me into the rocks. My elbow's

58:24

cut, everything's cut. I'm just getting annihilated

58:27

by these waves and then my,

58:30

of course, the board leash is stuck to

58:32

the thing and my board was all broken anyway and the guy

58:34

was yelling at me. He's like, just leave the fucking

58:37

board. I was like, all right. So I left the

58:39

board out and then he got

58:41

me back up. I'm all bloody and stuff and I go

58:43

over to my family and friends that

58:45

are at the beach with me and I'm like, hey,

58:48

what the fuck? What

58:50

the fuck, guys? They're all like, what's

58:52

up? And I'm like, look at me,

58:54

where's my board? You didn't see me? I

58:56

was out there and they're like, we thought that was you. And to be

58:59

fair, it was every white guy, like with the surfboard,

59:01

they're like, we thought that guy was you. That guy was you.

59:03

And then like, friends are just like drinking a beer on the beach

59:05

as I'm just about to, I mean, it's just, it

59:08

was terrifying, dude. It was to be in that ocean,

59:10

like that side of it, I had that like, okay.

59:14

It's a long time. Okay, yeah, it was so

59:16

long and yeah, man,

59:18

it was a very terrifying experience,

59:21

dude. I've had a couple of those in my life where it's like,

59:23

you can't communicate when you're going

59:25

through that panic and you just need somebody

59:27

to pay attention. Like this is

59:30

completely unrelated to that, but it is a similar

59:32

thing where I didn't like learn

59:34

how to ride a bike until I was way too

59:36

old. You know, like I was- What's way too

59:39

old? I asked

59:42

my dad before I came to do this,

59:44

I was like, what's the age? We ball

59:46

parked it somewhere between 10 or 12, but

59:48

closer to like 12. Yeah,

59:51

that's right. But it's too old. Yeah, that's

59:53

right. Because it's embarrassingly old because

59:55

the first time I went to ride a bike, my

59:58

dad put steering wheel, training wheels-

59:59

And as I was riding around the block with my neighborhood,

1:00:02

the training wheel flew off. And I

1:00:05

went into the street, almost got hit by a car, so

1:00:07

it freaked me out. So I wouldn't go for years. So

1:00:09

what I was doing was I was on the

1:00:11

big wheelie. You remember that? It's like the tricycle

1:00:13

with plastic tires on. And

1:00:15

I would try to keep up with my friends. My friends

1:00:18

were riding bikes at this point. I'm on a scooter. I'm

1:00:20

trying to keep up with them and stuff. And my

1:00:22

next door neighbor, Stephanie, she was awesome.

1:00:24

She was like five years older than me, or maybe a little bit less,

1:00:27

but she was older than me. And she was deaf. And

1:00:30

she'd be on a mountain bike. I was still

1:00:32

on this big wheelie, these plastic tricycle

1:00:34

things. Yeah, with the power break back in. Yeah,

1:00:36

yeah, dude. He's like, hoo! Yeah,

1:00:40

so I came up with this

1:00:42

great idea, because I can never keep up with her, because

1:00:44

she was on a mountain bike. And I was like, here's what we'll

1:00:46

do. Let's tie

1:00:48

my big wheelie to your

1:00:51

mountain bike. And then you just kind of take

1:00:53

off, and I'll be going as fast. This will be sick.

1:00:56

And so we tie it up, and then I

1:00:59

sit down in the big wheelie.

1:01:01

And before I can grab this,

1:01:03

because we tied it to the middle of the steering column.

1:01:06

Before I could grab the steering column, she

1:01:08

just takes off. And it turned

1:01:10

the steering column sideways

1:01:12

into my chest, like locking me in place.

1:01:15

And we know about that chest, bro. And we know about that. It

1:01:17

was right in the hole. It was right in the hole. It was

1:01:19

all knitted there. It was all knitted

1:01:21

there. But the

1:01:23

tire was turned sideways. So

1:01:27

it was like that. And she was like, grrr,

1:01:29

like grinding it. And so

1:01:31

it just flipped me over

1:01:33

with only my elbows and knees

1:01:36

being dragged

1:01:38

on the concrete on the sidewalk.

1:01:40

So now I'm losing. And

1:01:43

this is the point where, as a kid, you're like, that

1:01:45

was a fucking dumb idea, but not

1:01:48

a problem. We'll just yell out to Stephanie,

1:01:50

god damn it, she's deaf. She can't hear anything.

1:01:53

And dude,

1:01:55

she pedaled for like a full

1:01:57

two houses before.

1:02:00

turning

1:02:00

around and she's like, and

1:02:04

she is a falling out and I am just like dread

1:02:07

elbows and knees, I don't know if you can see, like I have scars

1:02:09

on my elbows. Like just

1:02:13

being dragged on my elbows

1:02:15

and knees by a deaf girl and she turned

1:02:17

around like, being like, uh-huh

1:02:19

and just blood, blood, blood, blood

1:02:25

line street and a child screaming

1:02:28

for his

1:02:28

life, dude. Oh,

1:02:33

that hurts my mouth.

1:02:41

Yeah, well it hurt my elbows and knees. Oh fuck, Mike Veen, this has been a fun, really

1:02:43

fun fucking episode. Thanks for having me, man. Yeah, dude, thank

1:02:45

you for coming in and I told you before we were recording your first time here, so after everything

1:02:48

we've talked about, tell me advice you would give to 16

1:02:50

year old Mike Veen. Man,

1:02:54

I mean at this point, you know, the

1:02:56

bad part is like with the business

1:02:59

part of comedy, I'd be like start a YouTube

1:03:01

page immediately and get, you

1:03:03

know, and get fit. Because I was always shooting

1:03:05

like, you know, dumb little sketches, jacket

1:03:07

type things. I was like, man, if I was putting those online when I was 16,

1:03:10

I mean, sure, it would have been pretty bad

1:03:12

at this point, but at least like that thing. But

1:03:14

in terms of just like personal advice,

1:03:16

it's like that kind of like the

1:03:18

don't freak out about the future, like things

1:03:20

are gonna work out, like don't stress about,

1:03:23

you know, if that kind of that dumb like everything

1:03:26

happens for a reason or wherever, you're always at where

1:03:28

you're supposed to be at kind of a thing. Because

1:03:32

there's so many times I've like, you know, I do that,

1:03:34

what was the thing you said outside of future? What was

1:03:36

it? Tripping, future tripping. Future tripping. I do that a lot.

1:03:38

So there's always that like, well, if I do

1:03:41

this, like especially before we had the kid, we're like, yeah,

1:03:43

but then if I do this, then it's like, I've already so

1:03:45

busy with standups and then how am I gonna add this kid? And

1:03:47

then I'd say, and then what does that mean? Now we can't fit in this apartment,

1:03:49

so now we gotta move to, you know, I just, you go down that

1:03:51

whole thing and you're like, you figure

1:03:53

it out, you know what I mean? Like you just can't, you

1:03:56

can't plan for all the variables

1:03:58

that are gonna come. So it's just like. you'll

1:04:00

fucking figure it out, man. It'll be fine, or

1:04:02

it won't, but freaking out about it now

1:04:04

is not gonna change anything. That's

1:04:06

great advice, dude. Yeah. Please

1:04:09

plug and promote everything again. MikeFiniComedy.com

1:04:12

for tour dates and all that, link to my

1:04:14

first comedy special, Rage Against the Routine,

1:04:17

which is on my YouTube channel, youtube.com slash Mike

1:04:19

Fini Comedy, at I am Mike Fini across all

1:04:21

social media. Come see me in Chicago at

1:04:24

the Den Theater on October

1:04:26

7th, and Algonquin Theater, September

1:04:28

15th. Check out my

1:04:30

podcast, Here's a Scenario with

1:04:32

Mike Cannon and Brennan Sagalow. It's a fun time. And

1:04:35

yeah, thanks for having me. Hell yeah, man. Thank you.

1:04:37

This was a lot of fun, dude. Yeah, this was fun. As always, RyanSickler.com,

1:04:40

Ryan Sickler on all your social media. Go to YouTube,

1:04:43

watch the special, and get your tickets.

1:04:45

Come out and see me on the road.

1:04:48

We'll talk to y'all next week.