0:00

You've said straight up that

0:02

modern parenting causes fragile children.

0:04

Why? That it showed that 27%

0:06

of kids were taking their parents to

0:08

job interviews because they weren't comfortable to

0:11

go on their own. We are failing

0:13

our kids. Anxiety is skyrocking. Resilience

0:15

is vanishing. And kids are crumbling

0:17

under the smallest challenges. And the

0:20

way we're parenting today, it's making

0:22

things worse. Parents do their best

0:24

to do the right thing. They

0:27

protect shield and smooth the... But

0:29

what if everything that we believe

0:31

about raising successful kids is actually

0:34

setting them up to fail? Jen

0:36

Cohen isn't just another parenting expert.

0:38

She spent her career studying high

0:41

achievers. We are creating a generation

0:43

of weaker kids with less coping

0:45

skills and more mental health issues

0:48

than ever before. Disecting what separates

0:50

the strong from the weak, the

0:52

successful from the stuck. She's a

0:54

Wall Street journal best-selling author and

0:56

expert in resilience. and the woman

0:58

behind an iconic TED Talk about

1:00

kids. In her conclusion, we are

1:02

raising the weakest generation in history.

1:04

Kids today have fewer coping skills

1:06

than ever, they avoid discomfort, they

1:08

collapse under pressure, and it's not

1:10

their fault. It's ours. Because modern

1:12

parenting has become a trap, we

1:14

tell our kids to be safe,

1:16

we take away the risk, we

1:18

over protect, over praise, and accidentally create

1:21

fragility when we want to create strength.

1:23

Jen is here to expose the truth

1:25

about what we've done to our kids

1:27

and how you can fix it before

1:29

it's too late. And if you don't

1:31

have kids, listen to the show because

1:34

these are the people you work with.

1:36

We are basically snow plowing and taking

1:38

away all of the challenges and the

1:40

struggle from our kids and we're not

1:42

even allowing them the ability to

1:44

learn how to fail. How do

1:46

you raise resilient and healthy and

1:49

mentally strong children in a world

1:51

that's a little bit fragile? The

1:53

world won't go easy on our

1:55

kids. What if we taught them

1:57

to be tough and kind? to

1:59

the human upgrade with Dave Asprey.

2:01

Today's episode is recorded live in

2:03

studio in Los Angeles at Jen

2:05

Cohen Studio, who might just happen

2:07

to be our guest today. And

2:09

you might say, who the heck

2:12

is Jen Cohen, but that's because

2:14

you're probably not reading all of

2:16

her books or paying attention to

2:18

the things that she's been doing

2:20

in the world for a long

2:22

time. She's had a big voice

2:24

in health and in entrepreneurship. I

2:26

was just on her show. And

2:28

we're going to talk about something

2:30

that goes beyond just health. And

2:33

we're going to talk about her

2:35

viral TED video, that as an

2:37

entrepreneur, a mom, and an expert

2:39

in health, how do you raise

2:41

resilient and healthy and mentally strong

2:43

children in a world that's a

2:45

little bit fragile? So this is

2:47

the kind of thing that is

2:49

critically important because if we want

2:51

to live in a world with

2:53

the kind of society we want,

2:56

we have to take care of

2:58

our kids and we have to

3:00

take care of our elders and

3:02

actually make them into our extremely

3:04

young elders because that's what the

3:06

world needs right now. We need

3:08

wisdom and we need energy and

3:10

we need kids who can change

3:12

the world and we need not

3:14

break them. So we're going to

3:16

talk about her TED Talk and

3:19

the things she's learned. And she's

3:21

a Wall Street Journal best-selling author

3:23

and has done all kinds of

3:25

stuff in business. We have to

3:27

go into all that. Because this

3:29

is about parenting, and this is

3:31

maybe about the way you were

3:33

parented, the way that we make

3:35

society work. Jen, welcome to your

3:37

own studio in the show. Thank

3:39

you. I feel so familiar being

3:42

here. Thank you for having me.

3:44

You've said straight up that modern

3:46

parenting causes fragile children. Why? Well,

3:48

I think that we're living in

3:50

a very, a time that's been,

3:52

it's changed a lot since when

3:54

we were kids, right? Like it's,

3:56

right now it's all about gentle

3:58

parenting and what it's done is

4:00

made our children and our people

4:02

softer and softer every year, where

4:05

people now are just don't have

4:07

the coping skills and the coping

4:09

mechanisms to deal with. with life,

4:11

work, personal. And I really, like,

4:13

this was not an area that

4:15

I was really kind of doing

4:17

in my career, right? Like parenting

4:19

skills or parenting, but mental toughness

4:21

and resilience was really an area

4:23

that I've focused on for so

4:26

many years. It's been, like, part

4:28

of my platform. And I realize

4:30

that the truth of the matter

4:32

is, like, if you wanna be

4:34

mentally strong and mentally tough, you

4:36

don't start when you're an adult.

4:38

when you're young and a child,

4:40

right? So why not do something

4:42

where we're giving our children or

4:44

the younger generation ways and like

4:46

key skills to become proper adults

4:49

and be mentally strong and mentally

4:51

tough as they get older? It

4:53

seems like experiencing failure and regret

4:55

and pain. And sometimes guilt, but

4:57

not shame, is critically important when

4:59

you're a kid. So you can

5:01

experience that and then recover from

5:03

it and realize it's not going

5:05

to, it's not going to kill

5:07

you. No, I mean, the reality

5:09

is like the more people fail.

5:12

And this is like, this is

5:14

not just me talking, this is

5:16

tons of research and data over

5:18

spanning over many, many years. But

5:20

what we need is failure to

5:22

become successful. What we need is

5:24

to learn how to be resilient.

5:26

and the only real way to

5:28

learn how to be resilient is

5:30

to fail over and over again,

5:32

pick yourself back up and do

5:35

it again. But what's happening now

5:37

is parents are, because of, we're

5:39

living in a society now where

5:41

it's really all about triggers and

5:43

helicopter parenting and safe spaces, we

5:45

are basically snow plowing and taking

5:47

away. all of the challenges and

5:49

the struggle from our kids and

5:51

we're not even allowing them the

5:53

ability to learn how to fail.

5:56

These spaces make me angry. Actually,

5:58

they did. I did my work.

6:00

I'm not triggered by them. It

6:02

just makes me sad. Because, okay,

6:04

danger coffee. I'm not trying to

6:06

plug myself here. It's danger because

6:08

who knows what you might do.

6:10

I want dangerous spaces. It doesn't

6:12

mean that they're unreasonably dangerous. It

6:14

means that you can take risks

6:16

and have consequences, but the risks

6:19

are worth it. And if we

6:21

teach our kids, they have to

6:23

have a safe space to take

6:25

a risk anymore. No, and first

6:27

of all, the whole idea of

6:29

that, let's just call it what

6:31

it is, right? We're living in

6:33

coddle culture. We need to switch

6:35

this whole idea of coddle culture

6:37

to more of a challenge culture,

6:39

right? When we were young, what's

6:42

happened actually, if I can give

6:44

you a little bit of background,

6:46

what's happened? What we used to

6:48

do as children, right? We used

6:50

to play outside. We used to

6:52

like take our bikes. We used

6:54

to like, we used to be

6:56

able, we'd have to fend for

6:58

ourselves a little bit. We'd climb

7:00

trees, we'd fall, we'd break our

7:02

arm. We would, right? Like this

7:05

is, this is how we would

7:07

have more adventure, we'd have more

7:09

social interaction. That has all been

7:11

taken away from us as a

7:13

culture. And well, the first thing

7:15

is, it's called technology. you know,

7:17

smartphones. That was like, that's, that's

7:19

basically what happened. What we used

7:21

to do by people who were

7:23

born after 1993, no longer had

7:26

the same type of culture that

7:28

we grew up in where we

7:30

kind of had to kind of

7:32

fend for ourselves and, and play

7:34

and socialize and, and create that

7:36

kind of dynamic date, right? Like,

7:38

this has been completely eliminated by

7:40

the smartphone, by social media. And

7:42

that is another reason why there's

7:44

so much depression, anxiety, suicidal rates,

7:46

all these things have gone up

7:49

as technology and smartphones have gone

7:51

up. I think a lot of

7:53

us know phones are bad for

7:55

kids and social media and all

7:57

that. The idea that our culture

7:59

is that way, it feels like

8:01

it goes deeper. I'm just thinking,

8:03

my kids went to a Waldorf

8:05

school, right? And they used to

8:07

have trees, they used to have

8:09

trees, they could climb. 30 feet

8:12

up in a tree. And as

8:14

a dad, I'm just gonna take

8:16

a deep breath. They're unlikely to

8:18

fall because they don't want to

8:20

die. Right, right. And they never

8:22

fell, but they were so powerful

8:24

because they could do that. And

8:26

then one day, a parent complained

8:28

and they school came through and

8:30

they cut off all the limbs

8:32

that the kids used to climb

8:35

the trees so they couldn't get

8:37

on the tree anymore. And my

8:39

kids came, I'm angry. Like they

8:41

took them away from us. I'm

8:43

just going to say it. I

8:45

would interpret this as a mentally

8:47

deranged parent. Yeah. I was like,

8:49

there's something that might be dangerous.

8:51

Dude, breathing is dangerous. So it

8:53

isn't just social media. It feels

8:55

like a few fearful ninnies are

8:58

breaking everything. Well, it's a combination,

9:00

right? It's like, social media is

9:02

the first piece of it, right?

9:04

That's a causal thing. That's one

9:06

of the things. But what's also

9:08

happened is this whole change and

9:10

how people parent's the children's friend,

9:12

that's the first part, or and

9:14

or, they also are completely overprotective.

9:16

Where what we're doing is we're

9:19

over protecting on in real world

9:21

and we're under protecting on like

9:23

online. That's really what's happening, right?

9:25

Over protecting online? Over protecting. Yeah,

9:27

so parents are like trying to

9:29

like create these things online where

9:31

their kids are not, you know,

9:33

they're, they're under protecting online, so

9:35

they're under protecting online, right? Because

9:37

that's really where all the, that's

9:39

where actually the, the true creeps

9:42

are. in real life are not

9:44

doing those things as much. There's

9:46

one thing, remember, with the big

9:48

white van and like the kidnapping

9:50

and the duction in the 90s,

9:52

and now that doesn't happen anymore.

9:54

You're having the pedophiles and the

9:56

creeps on social media who are

9:58

kind of getting the kids. So

10:00

what's happened, but why I'm bringing

10:02

that up is parents have become

10:05

very fearful of their kids playing.

10:07

outside, going on a bike, doing

10:09

all these things, and it kind

10:11

of escalated where the helicoptering happens,

10:13

the over protection happens, where, like

10:15

I said, the kids now, that

10:17

what's happening in society is that

10:19

we've been, we've basically become so

10:21

fragile where kids now are not

10:23

even able to go to job

10:25

interviews. There were things, there was

10:28

like a crazy study that showed

10:30

that 27% of kids were taking

10:32

their parents to job interviews. 27%

10:34

because they weren't comfortable to go

10:36

on their own. It's so weird

10:38

that adults or teenagers feel like

10:40

being comfortable is a normal thing

10:42

in a job interview. Yeah, exactly.

10:44

That's a great point. I felt

10:46

like I was going to fill

10:49

my pants in my first few

10:51

job interviews until I learned how

10:53

to do it. And some companies

10:55

didn't hire me. Right and I

10:57

didn't like it, but isn't that

10:59

life? Well, it is life and

11:01

it it seems kind of weird

11:03

though because it's so easy to

11:05

blame social media It seems like

11:07

you're really blaming parenting. It's like

11:09

I said, it's not social media

11:12

is like one one aspect, right?

11:14

Which the social media at piece

11:16

of it is more about the

11:18

kids Kids in general are just

11:20

not, they're not playing outside anymore.

11:22

They're not playing with their friends

11:24

anymore. They're not socializing anymore. People

11:26

aren't dating anymore. That's a whole

11:28

other piece of the pie. That

11:30

feels like that's processed food and

11:32

lack of hormones, isn't it? Well,

11:35

it's... a bunch of things, a

11:37

bunch of things, a process food

11:39

is because people are becoming very

11:41

sedentary and everything is quick fixes.

11:43

Everyone wants a quick fix, they're

11:45

online, like everything, like chatGPT, everything

11:47

is how to get something quicker.

11:49

There's instant gratification, people's, you know

11:51

this, right? Like your ability to

11:53

even concentrate, even on Instagram, look

11:55

how it used to be like,

11:58

how things went from being a

12:00

minute to 30 seconds. to 15

12:02

seconds, now people can't even concentrate

12:04

for 10 seconds. I hate Instagram.

12:06

And sorry, thank you for following

12:08

me there. Don't you have a

12:11

huge following on Instagram? I do. Do

12:13

you like Tiktok better? Oh God.

12:15

I used to write 3,000 word pieces

12:17

that were easy to read. I would

12:19

explain. This is the thing that we're

12:22

paying attention to. Here's what to do.

12:24

And if you have the eight minutes

12:26

to read that, it'll change your life.

12:28

And people don't read those anymore. And

12:30

you just be able to post them

12:33

with links. And the social media companies

12:35

took off the links. So now we do

12:37

these weird things where I'm supposed to

12:39

say something in 20 seconds and I

12:41

do my best. And then you get

12:44

the trolls come in and do like

12:46

references. I'm like, well, you could read

12:48

one of my books with a thousand

12:50

references, but no one in social media

12:52

in a video can give you a

12:54

reference because there's no time. And that's

12:56

what people, good old days when. Facebook

12:59

would let friends post medical journals. I

13:01

had the best feed ever, because all

13:03

my friends, like, here's all the cool

13:05

stuff happening, and it's all gone. And

13:07

it's just, you know, rapid-cut videos that

13:09

are neurologically sickening. So my kids aren't

13:12

on social media, though, and I'm very,

13:14

I'm so grateful for my kids. I

13:16

think they're wonderful. How old are your

13:19

kids? They're 15 and 17. Okay, so

13:21

they're older. They are and they didn't

13:23

have social media because we didn't

13:25

have screens and all that because

13:27

they're in a school that was

13:29

you play outdoors and they lived

13:31

on a farm. But I'm pretty,

13:33

it took a lot of work.

13:35

I had to live on an

13:38

island and 400 hours a

13:40

year of extra airplane time

13:42

to do it. And I'm

13:44

lucky I could do it.

13:47

400 hours a year of

13:49

extra airplane time to do

13:51

it. And I'm lucky I

13:54

could do that. And I'm

13:56

lucky. to create certain boundaries

13:58

for your kids. like guidelines and

14:00

boundaries. That's the first thing. You move

14:02

to a farm where there are force

14:04

basically to like play outside. You picked

14:06

a school where that was available. So

14:08

the first thing to all of this

14:10

is parents have to become, have to

14:12

actually be parents and give their children

14:14

rules to abide by. So Jen, I'm

14:16

gonna push back on the floor. Go

14:18

ahead, push back all you want. So

14:20

I built a 32 acre farm. I'm

14:22

the CEO of multiple companies and the

14:24

mother of my children was able to

14:26

stay home. She had a few clients,

14:28

but she spent the vast majority of

14:30

her time being a care provider. And

14:32

yeah, we raised our sheep and our

14:35

pigs and our cows and our chickens

14:37

and we ate them. And that's pretty

14:39

damn idyllic. And I could only do

14:41

that because I could afford a farmhand

14:43

who helped to run the thing. Cause

14:45

otherwise I would have been running it.

14:47

So this isn't practical for anybody. Well,

14:49

listen, listen, listen. Yes, you're rich and

14:51

you're successful, okay? However,

14:53

you don't have to be rich

14:55

and successful like you to put boundaries

14:57

and guidelines on what your children

14:59

are doing at a young age. You

15:01

can say to your, you can,

15:04

like for an example, you don't have

15:06

to give your kids a smartphone

15:08

when they turn 11 or 12. You

15:10

know, you can give your kid,

15:12

if it's for safety purposes, give your

15:14

kid a flip phone. So they're

15:16

not there scrolling the internet, checking online,

15:18

don't allow them that ability, first

15:20

of all. How old are your kids?

15:22

10 and 12. And so this

15:24

is what just happened with my kid.

15:26

So Mike, every one of my,

15:29

every one of my kids' friends, my

15:31

12 year old, every single one

15:33

of them has a phone. And they

15:35

have Snapchat. It's just how all

15:37

social stuff happens. Oh, Snapchat. Yeah, Mike

15:39

is not. So how do I,

15:41

how do I take care of that?

15:43

Or how do I deal with

15:45

that? Number one, I try to create,

15:47

just to kind of, to your

15:49

point, I try to, I try to

15:51

bring parents together, other moms together

15:54

and let's all band together and not

15:56

give our kids a smartphone until

15:58

they are 15, right? I was the

16:00

only, no one wanted to listen. to

16:02

me. So then I was a devil incarnate. My kid was the only

16:04

one who didn't have the phone who hated me. That gave me

16:06

a little bit of a pressure on kids.

16:08

It's terrible because then you have the other

16:11

issue, which is like they feel they feel

16:13

ostracized, they're felt left out, that the FOMO,

16:15

all these things, right? You know, my my

16:17

job as a parent isn't to be liked

16:20

all the time. It's that that's not my

16:22

job. I'm not trying to be their

16:24

friend. It is that. But why since

16:26

what isn't my first of all, this

16:28

is part of the problem. Parents want,

16:30

they want to be BFFs with their kid.

16:33

They don't want to be hated, they don't

16:35

want to be disliked, so they'll just acquiesce

16:37

to these things that actually in the future

16:39

cause a lot of damage and harm. So

16:41

to finish my thought is what I did

16:43

was I got my kid some flip phone.

16:45

So he can call me and he can

16:48

text me. Okay, is he happy about it?

16:50

No. But again, I'm not trying to

16:52

be my kid's best friend. I'm trying

16:54

to like give my kid the tools

16:56

to be better off later on. You

16:58

know, so that's the first thing. So

17:00

if you, like you don't have to

17:02

be living on a farm with 32

17:04

acres and having a sheep and a

17:06

dog and a dog and a cow

17:08

and a monkey. But you do. We

17:10

didn't need the dog or the monkey

17:13

just to be really quick. And so

17:15

that's the first, and the other thing

17:17

is put your kids in sports like.

17:19

and they learn how to like deal

17:21

with other kids and be a teammate.

17:23

These are really important things to do.

17:25

Do you want to know one of

17:28

the easiest things you can do to

17:30

age well? It's qualia senelitic.

17:32

Qualia senelitic is a supplement

17:34

you take just two days a

17:36

month. It helps address one of

17:39

the primary hallmarks of aging. Senescent

17:41

cell accumulation. Senescent

17:43

cells also known as zombie cells.

17:46

are old worn-out cells no longer

17:48

serving their useful function. And past

17:50

age 30, they start accumulating in

17:52

your body, wasting energy and resources.

17:55

This contributes to aging challenges like

17:57

low energy, slower workout, recovery, joint

17:59

dis- discomfort, basically feeling old. In

18:01

the last decade, scientists discovered plant-derived

18:03

compounds called senelitics that help your

18:05

body naturally eliminate senescent cells. Qualia

18:07

combines nine ingredients, including seven specific

18:09

senelitic ingredients to help slay your

18:11

zombie cells. Qualia is non-GMO, gluten-free,

18:13

and clinically tested, since you only

18:16

need to take it just two

18:18

days a month. It has to

18:20

be one of the easiest science-backed

18:22

things you can do to age

18:24

better. Go to qualialife.com/Dave 15 to

18:26

try Kwalia Senelitic and get up

18:28

to 50% off on a subscription.

18:30

You can also use code Dave

18:32

15 for an additional 15% off.

18:34

That's Kwalia Senelitic at kwalialife.com/Dave 15

18:36

with code Dave 15 for one

18:38

of the easiest things you can

18:40

do to age better. You're surrounded

18:42

by technology. And technology is really

18:44

useful, but it does expose you

18:46

to a lot of EMFs. We

18:48

have a lot of science showing

18:50

that EMFs interfere with your cell

18:52

membranes. And constant exposure makes your

18:54

body have physiological stress, which means

18:56

you feel drained and just out

18:58

of sink. You can't hide from

19:00

technology. You're not going to live

19:02

in a cave. So it's your

19:05

job to be so powerful that

19:07

you live in harmony with it.

19:09

You get the benefits, and you

19:11

don't take all the hits. is

19:13

called quantum upgrade. It is based

19:15

on quantum technology and yes that's

19:17

a big claim but it's one

19:19

that you can hear about in

19:21

episodes of the show and it

19:23

helps your body stay balanced energized

19:25

and adaptable in the modern world

19:27

with more than a dozen studies

19:29

backing that up. Studies show that

19:31

quantum upgrade can neutralize harmful EMF

19:33

exposure, can improve cell recovery, blood

19:35

health, and circulation within minutes of

19:37

activating it. It can enhance resilience,

19:39

focus, and deep stages of sleep.

19:41

They also found an increase in

19:43

ATP production by up to 29%

19:45

yes, double blind studies confirm this.

19:47

With the quantum upgrade service, you

19:49

don't have to fight against technology,

19:52

you can live with it and

19:54

actually use it. So I use

19:56

quantum upgrade. I love that it

19:58

works and the science speaks for

20:00

itself, even though it still seems

20:02

pretty darn amazing. Ready to experience

20:04

the quantum shift? Try quantum upgrade

20:06

for free for 15 days. Just

20:08

go to quantum upgrade.io/Dave and see

20:10

if you feel it. I don't

20:12

think team sports work anymore. Why

20:14

not? One of my kids went

20:16

to something called Greek Olympics. And

20:18

this is where schools from all

20:20

over a region, they bring all

20:22

their kids together to compete in

20:24

traditional Greek games. This child, it's

20:26

like, okay, I want to win

20:28

something. Okay, great. So what's the

20:30

event that no one's going to

20:32

train for? Javalin. So we bought

20:34

a Javalin and trained like hell

20:36

in the front yard. So, okay,

20:39

that's when no one gets practice

20:41

time. So, my kid goes. And

20:43

we get there. And we drove

20:45

a couple hundred miles together, all

20:47

kinds of you don't, regional meat.

20:49

And the organizers go, oh, we're

20:51

not going to have individual winners.

20:53

We're going to measure on the

20:55

first day the average group time,

20:57

and then we're going to celebrate

20:59

the percentage of improvement across everyone.

21:01

And I was so disgusted. And

21:03

so was my kid. I worked

21:05

hard on this, and we can't

21:07

have a winner. So team sports

21:09

are broken because it's about making

21:11

you feel good in those two.

21:13

So I'm glad that you bring

21:15

that up because another thing that

21:17

I talk a lot about is

21:19

these participation trophies, right, where everybody

21:21

wins by getting a participation trophy,

21:23

which by the way, what are

21:25

you teaching your child? In life,

21:28

there are winners and there are

21:30

losers. And if you want to

21:32

be a winner, you have to

21:34

work really hard and you got

21:36

to practice, you got to put

21:38

in the work. By just everybody

21:40

getting a participation trophy, what are

21:42

you really teaching? It's also the

21:44

same as when everyone, you know,

21:46

for science fair, right, when all

21:48

the parents are actually doing the

21:50

science project for the child, as

21:52

opposed to letting the kid, like,

21:54

do whatever they do. and then,

21:56

you know, get whatever mark they're

21:58

getting or grade, whatever you say

22:00

I'm Canadian. The truth of them

22:02

is, like, what happens, right? Like,

22:04

basically, you're having every, one parent's

22:06

competing with the other parent for

22:08

the gold star. That's what's actually

22:10

happening, right? These are all the

22:12

things that, these are my, like,

22:15

not to do's, right? Like, my

22:17

entire message of why we're, like,

22:19

what I'm trying to say to

22:21

people to people, and I think

22:23

we need to say to say

22:25

to say to say to say

22:27

to say to say to say

22:29

to Like I said, eliminate these

22:31

participation trophies, these snow plowing, all

22:33

the challenges, allowing our kids to

22:35

learn failure for themselves. Give them

22:37

a try, because the coping skills

22:39

are what's lacking. Having the inability

22:41

to have these skills as an

22:43

adult or as you get older,

22:45

what's the repercussion of that? You're

22:47

not going to be able to

22:49

have any type of real personal

22:51

relationship, professional relationship. What happens when

22:53

you go into a job interview

22:55

and you don't get the job?

22:57

You're going to crumble, because you've

22:59

had no experience in any failure,

23:02

right? Part of my success was

23:04

I was so used to like

23:06

nose and failures and mediocrity that

23:08

it built my resourcefulness and it

23:10

built my my ability to be

23:12

so desensitized to the feeling of

23:14

failure that I didn't, I wasn't

23:16

scared to kind of keep on

23:18

going and asking and doing because

23:20

if I failed, all right, I'll

23:22

just try again. That's the, that's

23:24

the message, right? Like you want

23:26

to be, you want to be

23:28

able to give your children a

23:30

chance where they feel that they

23:32

can like go after something time

23:34

and time again and potentially like

23:36

maybe get it, maybe not get

23:38

it, but at least like that's

23:40

competence. How do you get confident

23:42

without having any competence? I never

23:44

thought of this, but this lack

23:46

of failure thing. When I was

23:48

in high school, I went from

23:51

a great high school to a

23:53

really crappy high school in a

23:55

farming town. I was the top

23:57

grade in the class. I didn't

23:59

have to do it. homework. It

24:01

was just not challenging for me.

24:03

So I'm top of my class

24:05

with no work. And I went

24:07

to college. I failed out of

24:09

college because I had never had

24:11

to work hard because I always

24:13

got, you know, I was got

24:15

a good grade. And it took

24:17

me quite a lot of work,

24:19

including fixing my brain to realize,

24:21

oh my gosh, I've got to

24:23

actually do this. It would have

24:25

been really good if I'd have

24:27

been challenged and failed as a

24:29

kid. And what I think is

24:31

happening is happening as parents bully

24:33

teachers. Yeah, totally true. And teachers

24:35

are fed up. And a lot

24:38

of teachers, they also are just

24:40

saying, I don't want any child

24:42

to experience any kind of discomfort

24:44

in my class and all. And

24:46

something is shifted in the expectations

24:48

of teachers and the way parents

24:50

treat teachers. So. What is a

24:52

way that a parent can create

24:54

opportunities for a child to fail

24:56

and be rejected and still feel

24:58

safe? Well, I think there's two

25:00

things. I think that you, again,

25:02

I'm not, I think that you

25:04

can allow your kid to fail

25:06

and still, and still put safety

25:08

as a top priority. I mean,

25:10

your kid's still going to be

25:12

safe if they get... a D

25:14

or an F if they don't

25:16

put the work in, right? So

25:18

there's ways to do it where

25:20

you're just not, you're not, A,

25:22

you're not tending to every emotional

25:24

need, like these triggers and these

25:27

safe spaces, allowing your kids to

25:29

feel a feeling, and not in

25:31

that woo-woo way, but like the

25:33

feeling of, you know, failing having

25:35

to go through that emotion of...

25:37

or trying out for a team

25:39

and not making the team. Let

25:41

them go through that emotion of

25:43

not doing it, realizing if they

25:45

don't practice at basketball, making this

25:47

up, they may not get on

25:49

the team, and therefore, what is

25:51

that teaching your kid? Maybe they

25:53

should practice. Maybe they should put

25:55

more effort in. Or maybe not

25:57

everybody will always win. Maybe what

25:59

you have to dig deep in

26:01

is where are you talented? Where

26:03

does, like that's how people figure

26:05

stuff out. What's happening here is

26:07

that if you can pay X

26:09

amount of dollars, you could be

26:11

on your club soccer team. You

26:14

can be on the club basketball

26:16

team. Now if you can always

26:18

just like, if you can always

26:20

just take that, that pain away

26:22

from your kid. Where's your kid

26:24

going to learn? Where's the kid

26:26

going to feel? Are they going

26:28

to come to you when they're

26:30

30 years old? Are you going

26:32

to pay all the, do you

26:34

want to pay the bills if

26:36

your kids when they're 30 years

26:38

old? Do you want them to

26:40

live at home? Do you want

26:42

them to never find a date?

26:44

Like, this is like, it becomes

26:46

a situation where like if you're

26:48

trying to like, That's my point.

26:50

And so like what's wrong, like

26:52

also chores. Chores is a great

26:54

thing. Harvard did this huge study

26:56

over like 75 years and they

26:58

showed that kids who actually had

27:01

chores, it taught kids like so

27:03

many valuable life lessons, right? Like

27:05

responsibility, a million, right? But yet.

27:07

We're kind of like eliminating that

27:09

as well. Give your kids chores,

27:11

I should just say. Give your

27:13

kids chores and teaches your kids

27:15

not just not just responsibility, but

27:17

it gives kids confidence and they've

27:19

shown that the kids who had

27:21

chores versus the kids who did

27:23

not have chores over a span

27:25

of a certain amount of years.

27:27

The kids who had the chores

27:29

were abundantly more successful. every walk

27:31

of life. One of the mistakes

27:33

that I think I made as

27:35

a parent is I would pay

27:37

my kids for the chores. You

27:39

know, I want to get your

27:41

take on this. Because chores are

27:43

necessary in order just to support

27:45

your family and that's that's how

27:47

it is. This is how you

27:50

contribute to the family. You're doing

27:52

a paid for that. You want

27:54

to get paid? You have to

27:56

go above and beyond and find

27:58

a way to... do something extra

28:00

and I did not do that

28:02

and if I could go back I would

28:04

have and it's advice I picked up

28:06

from another friend and then you're

28:08

saying you know the work that's

28:11

necessary is necessary and you don't

28:13

get paid for that right right and

28:15

so some of this could be it's

28:17

just it's too easy and some of

28:19

it could be too I know that

28:21

I did my best to give the

28:23

kits tours that were a little bit

28:25

unpleasant so they'd have to do them

28:27

you know you got to do an

28:29

hour of shoveling sheep shit Right? And

28:31

I know they hated it when they

28:33

were little. And I thought, well, okay,

28:35

being uncomfortable. If you like to not

28:37

do this, you can start a business.

28:39

And I totally support your right to

28:41

start a business and hire someone to

28:43

shovel a sheepship for you if you

28:45

want to. And when my kids did

28:47

hire the other one one time, which

28:49

was hilarious. And really? Well, yeah, totally.

28:51

Right? You didn't want to do it.

28:54

You pay your sibling to do it.

28:56

Works for me. But I didn't. you'll

28:58

always have to put dishes

29:00

and dishwasher unless you hire

29:02

someone to do that for you. Right. I

29:04

think another issue is that it's hard

29:07

when you are, you're a parent, you

29:09

are successful and then you have

29:11

kids and you, how do you,

29:13

and I'm asking this to you,

29:15

right, like where is the line,

29:17

right, because you have all these

29:19

like luxuries, right, like you're living

29:21

on a huge farm with, you're

29:23

saying 32 acres, and you technically

29:25

can pay for. a lot of people

29:27

to like do a lot of this,

29:30

the grunt work, let's say. We didn't

29:32

do that. So, like, right, so you,

29:34

it's, you have to be, you have

29:36

to have the, you have to, you

29:38

have to think about those things

29:40

more, right? And have the, you

29:43

have to put those things in

29:45

place even more so, so your

29:47

kids don't just, like, basically,

29:49

like, live off of that

29:51

situation. I look at parenting now as

29:53

like how do I structure the right

29:55

level of adversity for my children so that

29:58

they can struggle again sometimes. when

30:00

and they could sometimes fail and they

30:02

can understand that it's okay to fail

30:04

and one of the things that I

30:06

tried doing for that is when they

30:08

were very little especially we lay down

30:11

for bedtime and tell them stories say

30:13

all right let's do our gratitude practice

30:15

what are three things you're grateful for

30:17

okay this is Fantastic for kids. But

30:19

then I would say, what is one

30:21

fail you had today? And if failure

30:24

is a very specific thing, it's something

30:26

that you wanted and something that you

30:28

attempted to do and you didn't get

30:30

it. And then they sit and you

30:32

didn't get it. And then they sit

30:34

down and they think about it. And

30:37

then they sit down and they think

30:39

about it. And any time they would

30:41

have something I'd say, oh my gosh,

30:43

that's so good. And I praised the

30:45

failure to the ends of their like.

30:47

I don't know if it worked or

30:50

not. What's your time on that? No,

30:52

I love that. I do this other

30:54

thing. It's called the 10% target. And

30:56

what that is, is basically making 10

30:58

attempts at whatever you want most. And

31:01

the reason why I do that is

31:03

because either one of two things will

31:05

happen. Either you will get that thing

31:07

or another opportunity will present itself that

31:09

you never even knew existed by just

31:11

going through. that whole path. And what

31:14

it does also, while doing that, it

31:16

teaches you, number one, you're setting your

31:18

mind to the idea of, okay, I

31:20

might fail nine times or ten times,

31:22

so you're ready like positioned for that,

31:24

and so therefore you're getting comfortable with

31:27

the failure. And the other thing it

31:29

does is kind of, I think it

31:31

gives you a structure to work within.

31:33

Typically, more often than not, you may,

31:35

most like you don't get that goal,

31:37

but the other opportunity will present itself.

31:40

So it teaches you that you should

31:42

keep on trying, that you should make

31:44

attempts, that you, there's nothing wrong with

31:46

making many attempts. And so that's how

31:48

I do it. I used to do.

31:50

something similar to you, which was like,

31:53

you know, the rose of the thorn,

31:55

right? Tell me one thing great, one

31:57

thing bad, but then I kind of,

31:59

I tweaked it to these ten attempts

32:01

because then also it makes you, it

32:03

takes up the creative juices, right? And

32:06

it says, okay, where are the ten

32:08

things I can do? I can try

32:10

this, I can do that. And it

32:12

makes you think about things that otherwise

32:14

you would not think about. And so

32:16

that's why I also think it's really

32:19

important to be. board. I think boredom

32:21

is so important. Thank you. Why? I

32:23

think it's really important because I think

32:25

that's where creativity lies and lives and

32:27

we're so busy all the time distracting

32:29

ourselves from so many things that we

32:32

don't give ourselves a chance to actually

32:34

sit and think of things in different

32:36

ways and just be. That to me

32:38

is where real, like where kind of

32:40

like childhood is really kind of missed

32:42

a mark. We over schedule our kids

32:45

a lot. We over schedule ourselves a

32:47

lot. We use our phone as a

32:49

distraction. Like if you go into an

32:51

elevator these days, right? Everyone's so afraid

32:53

of like eye contact, right? Because they

32:55

go on their phone. Like it's a

32:58

natural instinct now just to like busy

33:00

yourself. It's like, it's uncomfortable to like

33:02

busy yourself. and elevators? I think we,

33:04

I think I, I busy my, I

33:06

think what happens is I think we've

33:08

been conditioned to do these things. Not

33:11

because I'm actually uncomfortable, it's because I've

33:13

now been my, I'm so conditioned now

33:15

just to look at my phone if

33:17

I'm not doing anything. So what I

33:19

really wanted to kind of instill in

33:21

my kids and with myself, and by

33:24

the way, it's because I'm not perfect.

33:26

I'm part of what's happening in this

33:28

cycle. So are you, right, like, like,

33:30

How are our children not going to

33:32

be enamored? So- That's what they see.

33:34

Right, it's what they see. Kids learn.

33:37

They learn. was like 75% more by

33:39

what they are looking at than versus

33:41

what you're saying to them, right? So

33:43

you have to like show them in

33:45

role model. And that's by the way

33:47

why I think even like when you

33:50

when parents who are not exercising and

33:52

working out like what are you teaching

33:54

your kid? Like I think it's really

33:56

important if you want your kid to

33:58

be fit and active and take care

34:01

of themselves. If you want your kid

34:03

to eat well, you need to eat

34:05

well. So It's people mirror what they

34:07

see and what their environment is. It's

34:09

a tall order and it does work.

34:11

One of my just proudest dad moments

34:14

was my my kids' food chamed our

34:16

nanny because she took him to McDonald's.

34:18

They'd never been to McDonald's and my

34:20

daughter's like, she was like, she was

34:22

very young and I think I'm going

34:24

to talk about this because she was

34:27

so little. The window rolls down and

34:29

she goes, I want one poopy chemical

34:31

latte please, because she knew that McDonald's

34:33

put stuff in their food. And I'm

34:35

like, look kids, people go to fast

34:37

food because it tastes good and it's

34:40

affordable and it's convenient. And that's okay.

34:42

I think everyone has their own reasons.

34:44

And so, I said, let's go to

34:46

McDonald's. And you can play on this

34:48

slide. We buy french fries and we'll

34:50

eat all the stuff. And I'm just

34:53

thinking I'm going to like crap for

34:55

like crap for a week for a

34:57

week from this. They got these angry

34:59

little kid faces, you know, the cute

35:01

ones they puff up. Yeah. And they

35:03

said, Daddy, you can take us to

35:06

McDonald's, but you can't make us eat.

35:08

And I'm like, what are you talking

35:10

about? It's gonna taste good. And they

35:12

said, we know it our tummies feel

35:14

like if we eat that way and

35:16

we don't want to. Because they never

35:19

saw me eat that way one time

35:21

because I don't eat that so you

35:23

know what's interesting? It's going to ask

35:25

you actually when you're in my show

35:27

right like the because you're so extreme

35:29

for most people right like you're right

35:32

like people like me love it right

35:34

like all this stuff the biohacking the

35:36

longevity but for two little kids right

35:38

and they're seeing their dad at like

35:40

next next level eating a certain way

35:42

and doing all these like these these

35:45

habits and you know wearing the yellow

35:47

glasses and eating this and not eating

35:49

spinach and raspberries because of what's in

35:51

it like do your kids even do

35:53

do do they mimic that even do

35:55

they think it's crazy do they think

35:58

it's weird or do they actually Partaken

36:00

it with you? They don't think it's

36:02

weird because it's what they've always known

36:04

they also have an opportunity to use

36:06

school food They do? Well, I mean

36:08

they go to a boarding school and

36:11

they stay at our house, but they

36:13

go to school and boarding school It's

36:15

a pretty good one, but they cook

36:17

and seed oils and all this and

36:19

like we're so tired of chicken The

36:21

food is not good. We just need

36:24

we need we need we need food

36:26

and so they know the difference and

36:28

I mean I was both kids of

36:30

independent country and said you know On

36:32

days when the fields are really not

36:34

that good and I need to do

36:37

well on my studies, what could I

36:39

bring with me to school so that

36:41

I have something that I want to

36:43

eat that's going to keep my brain

36:45

working because I've noticed a difference in

36:47

how I feel. So the lesson for

36:50

my kids was you get to choose

36:52

how you feel. And a large part

36:54

of that is how you eat and

36:56

how you sleep. If you just do

36:58

that, it's all about control for kids.

37:01

So I want you to have control

37:03

over this. And look, I can't tell

37:05

you what you're a teenager. You can

37:07

have all the junk food all day

37:09

long, I'm not going to know. And

37:11

I support your right to do that.

37:14

You have to pay the price for

37:16

it. And they are used to feeling

37:18

good, and they can feel the difference.

37:20

But if you eat Cheetos at home,

37:22

and how you eat. I don't think

37:24

it works. Well, yeah, I mean, your

37:27

habits are, are, do they adopt some

37:29

of those habits? Like you're, are they

37:31

wearing the sleep stuff that you're doing?

37:33

Are they doing those things? I bought

37:35

both my kids aura rings when they

37:37

were like eight or nine or something.

37:40

Really? Okay. And one of them uses

37:42

it regularly and is working on it.

37:44

Yeah. Yeah. You know, that was interesting

37:46

for a month. And the idea here

37:48

is I'm offering you ways to have

37:50

control over. Yeah. power control for sure.

37:53

These are ways you can you can

37:55

have that. One of my kids tried

37:57

mouth taping after seeing me do it

37:59

and for the last three years every

38:01

night the mouth was taped except on

38:03

sleepovers. Really? Because like oh look when

38:06

I wake up in the morning I

38:08

don't have bad breath and my mouth

38:10

isn't dry I like that. So I

38:12

didn't force it. I think if the

38:14

second you start to force something on

38:16

the kids that's like the kiss of

38:19

death. You have to just... role model

38:21

it and hope for the best. My

38:23

hope as a dad is that the

38:25

kids will see how I did it

38:27

and they'll know this behavior leads to

38:29

this outcome. And they'll choose whatever behaviors

38:32

they want, but they'll know why they

38:34

got the outcomes they got. And after

38:36

that, one of my kids doesn't seem

38:38

to pay much attention to light at

38:40

night and it affects that kid. The

38:42

other one is actually pretty disciplined about

38:45

using a red light and... There's a

38:47

difference in the sleep scores, but I'm

38:49

not going to yell and shame. I

38:51

will say if I walk into room,

38:53

like, I'm not coming in there because

38:55

those bright lights are going to screw

38:58

up my sleep. Right, right, right. So

39:00

again, opportunity to fail. You wake up,

39:02

you feel like crap, and you fail

39:04

your test? That's up to you. Right.

39:06

The one idea I want to run

39:08

past you, because we're kind of like

39:11

co-figure out how to solve this problem

39:13

without being able to make other parents

39:15

or teachers or teachers change. Have you.

39:17

Have you ever, have or teachers change?

39:19

Have you ever, have? I've read about

39:21

this in Game Changers. I did an

39:24

interview a long time ago. This was

39:26

a guy as a young man. He

39:28

figured out as a young man that

39:30

he was terrified of being rejected. It

39:32

was affecting him at work, respecting his

39:34

dating life, and he was like, I'm

39:37

not taking risks. I know I want

39:39

to take risks, but then when the

39:41

time comes I choke up and I

39:43

don't like it. So he invented this

39:45

idea of rejection therapy, which is, every

39:47

day you ask for things that you

39:50

think are unreasonable until you get a

39:52

know. And he tells his beautiful stories,

39:54

like he went to Burger King and

39:56

asked for a burger refill, and they

39:58

gave him one. He's like, I didn't

40:01

get my note today, damn it! And

40:03

so it turns the rejection into the

40:05

when you're seeking. And then he went

40:07

to the Krispy Kreme place and said,

40:09

can I have an Olympic ring donuts?

40:11

And he said, okay. And he's like,

40:14

ah. And by the end of 30

40:16

days of this, the internal fear response,

40:18

which is entirely automatic before you can

40:20

think, it just went away. And he's

40:22

a really successful guy 10 years later.

40:24

So you know it's really funny that

40:27

you just said that, right, because you

40:29

call it rejection therapy. I talk all

40:31

about that. So I did a different

40:33

TED Talk called The Secret to Getting

40:35

Anything You Want in Life, and that

40:37

was about how to be bold, how

40:40

to be bold in life, and that

40:42

it did so well that it wrote

40:44

a book about it. And my entire

40:46

thesis is based around this high principle

40:48

that Being bold is more, is way

40:50

more important than being intelligent. Because when

40:53

you're intelligent, you overthink everything to death,

40:55

and you become, you know, you can

40:57

get like the whole analysis paralysis. But

40:59

when you're bold, you just like, you

41:01

aim first, you know, you kind of,

41:03

you shoot the name, you know? You

41:06

figure it out on the way. And

41:08

I'm a big believer that being bold

41:10

is way more important than being intelligent.

41:12

And I use this example that you

41:14

were just saying, it's like you go

41:16

everywhere and ask if they can get

41:19

a discount, go to the coffee shop

41:21

and say, do you have a discount

41:23

for people who live in the area?

41:25

Like what's the worst that people say?

41:27

No, right? So I call that in

41:29

my book. I call it like rejection

41:32

is always better than regret. So it's

41:34

always better to be rejected from something.

41:36

than to regret that you never did

41:38

it. And that's a whole other principle

41:40

that I really try to instill in

41:42

my kids, is that you always want

41:45

to give it your all or try,

41:47

because you never want to think what

41:49

if. And like, rejection, we all get

41:51

over, right? Like, yeah, it sucks for

41:53

a minute or two, like you have

41:55

a bad feeling in your stomach. People

41:58

don't get over sometimes. I know grown

42:00

adults who come to 40 years of

42:02

Zen or they can. to my girlfriend

42:04

Christina's We Deep in Relationship mastermind, they

42:06

are still absolutely heartbroken over a high

42:08

school breakup and it's affecting their relationship

42:11

20 years later until they get over

42:13

it. So sometimes rejection actually... it hurts

42:15

because they don't have the coping skills.

42:17

Only when, but what I guess what

42:19

the rejection regret that I'm talking about

42:21

is when you don't try for something.

42:24

It's like the thinking of like, what

42:26

if I did ask that girl out?

42:28

What if I did ask that guy

42:30

out and you know, we ended up

42:32

like being the, maybe that would have

42:34

been the love of my life. What

42:37

if I, you know, did try for

42:39

this thing? Like not basically counting yourself

42:41

out before you give yourself a shot.

42:43

You know, like, there was a lot,

42:45

I really love Mark Wahlberg, right, because

42:47

he's all about these habits, like he's,

42:50

except at two in the morning, he

42:52

does all these crazy things, and I

42:54

really wanted him on the podcast, and

42:56

he was like one of these people

42:58

that was at the beginning of my

43:01

show, I was like kind of like,

43:03

this is the one person I would

43:05

love to talk to. And I was

43:07

sitting beside him at a dinner party,

43:09

or at a dinner party, like at

43:11

a restaurant, like he was one table

43:14

away from me, and we were looking

43:16

at each other. And my friends and

43:18

my husband were like, there he is,

43:20

there's Mark Wahlberg, just go up and

43:22

ask him to be on your podcast.

43:24

And I was like, no, no, I

43:27

can't, I can't. I was so scared.

43:29

And I was like, why not? He's

43:31

like right there, he's like right there,

43:33

he's looking right there, he's looking right

43:35

there, he's looking right there, he's looking

43:37

right there, he's looking right there, he's

43:40

looking right there, he's looking right there,

43:42

he's looking right there, he's looking right

43:44

there, he's looking right there, he's, he's,

43:46

he's looking right there, he's, he's, he's,

43:48

he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's,

43:50

he's, he's, he's, using my own lines

43:53

on me, like what's the worst that

43:55

can happen, right? Like, you know, be

43:57

bold, Jennifer, be bold. Like my entire,

43:59

my word in life is be bold.

44:01

And I was like trying to get

44:03

up enough courage. And then I'm like,

44:06

okay, okay, okay. And I was like

44:08

trying to get up enough courage. And

44:10

then I'm like, okay, okay, okay. And

44:12

I was waiting in 10 minutes and

44:14

50 minutes and 20 minutes to go

44:16

by. And so the. What happens? I'm

44:19

like, damn, why didn't I just do

44:21

it? Like I was right there. I

44:23

did it. I made all these excuses.

44:25

I waited too long and then my

44:27

operative... pass by me. And so what

44:29

if I did? What if he did

44:32

come on? What if that, you know,

44:34

what happens if I did ask him?

44:36

So my reason why I'm bringing that

44:38

up is like even as an adult,

44:40

right, like you can go through all

44:42

of these things and still have that

44:45

what-if regret, right? Did you tell your

44:47

kids about it? Of course it is

44:49

in my book. Because I still think

44:51

about it to this day. It was

44:53

like three or four years ago. It

44:55

was like so long ago, but I'm

44:58

still like, you know, like, you know,

45:00

like, you know, like, like, you know,

45:02

like, you know, like, like, you know,

45:04

like, like, like, you know, like, like,

45:06

like, like, like, like, like, being bold,

45:08

like taking the shot, you know, all

45:11

of these things. And, you know, it

45:13

still happens to all of us. So

45:15

we need to all practice the idea

45:17

of being bold. We all have to

45:19

practice. It's a muscle like anything else,

45:21

right? The second you stop using it,

45:24

it atrophies. And so... I'm a really

45:26

big believer in this whole rejection versus

45:28

regret thing. Like always try, always go

45:30

after something. Never like never count yourself

45:32

out. And I also think what happens

45:34

is we ourselves, we don't have the

45:37

confidence, we have so much self-doubt because

45:39

we think someone else is better than

45:41

us or can do it better. Honestly

45:43

of God, I'm sure you've accounted, you've

45:45

probably had this situation too. The more

45:48

people you meet, you realize how many

45:50

people are just a bunch of ninnies

45:52

and you can't believe how they got

45:54

to where they are. Like, the only

45:56

difference between that person and someone else

45:58

is that like they believed in themselves

46:01

a little bit more to go after

46:03

that thing. Right? So crazy. I also

46:05

think you said something critical. Studies show

46:07

that if you praise kids for being

46:09

smart, they stop taking risk, because then

46:11

they looked on. But if you praise

46:14

them for working hard. That's right. So

46:16

I've done my very best as a

46:18

dad to just say, you worked so

46:20

hard, you did a good job, you

46:22

earned it, instead of praising intelligence. And

46:24

I think my kids are pretty smart.

46:27

I wrote a book on that, I

46:29

have smarter babies. I like to think

46:31

it worked. But... You wrote a book

46:33

on everything, but... Well, it was my

46:35

first book ever. It took five years

46:37

to read it because their mom was

46:40

infertile when I met her, so I

46:42

had to restore her fertility. Yeah. Like

46:44

there's thousands of babies who wouldn't have

46:46

been born without that book. That's called

46:48

The Better Baby Book. Yeah, those before

46:50

the Bulbier Diet. And so I'm. My

46:53

kids don't have all the neurological crap

46:55

that I had as kids because I

46:57

was like really concerned I don't want

46:59

to give them Asperger's syndrome the way

47:01

I had in ADHD and all the

47:03

crap Oh wow part of the reason

47:06

that I put all this energy and

47:08

time and people say you had the

47:10

money to living on a farm on

47:12

an island is an incredible amount of

47:14

work and I did it so I

47:16

do not want them to go through

47:19

the hell I went through that's why

47:21

I read all my books like don't

47:23

feel as bad as I did But

47:25

it matters. And even then, it's like,

47:27

okay, guys, you did a good job,

47:29

you worked hard, you earned it. And

47:32

just, that's the mantra. And I just

47:34

wonder how that aligns with your philosophy

47:36

on kids. Do you praise them for

47:38

being smart? For failure? You do? Okay.

47:40

I totally agree with you. I think

47:42

that's the problem. I did a talk

47:45

at MIT a couple years ago, because

47:47

they were the smartest kids in the

47:49

world, smartest people in the world. And

47:51

the... The forum that we talked on,

47:53

what they were doing was it was

47:55

called fail because they weren't comfortable with

47:58

fail. There was a higher suicide rate

48:00

at MIT and it was kind of

48:02

increasing year to after year because they

48:04

when they would fail or when they

48:06

wouldn't do as well as they wanted

48:08

to, they could not handle it. The

48:11

rejection or the feeling of being less

48:13

than was so excruciating that it was

48:15

beyond anything else. So MIT created this

48:17

program, like I said, called Fail, and

48:19

when they had people like myself go

48:21

up there and talk about how to

48:24

be comfortable with failing. And what I

48:26

find is because these kids... They were

48:28

praised all the time. They were known

48:30

to be the smartest when they were

48:32

younger, where they had no experience of

48:34

what it would be like to be

48:37

average. mediocre. And so if you're constantly

48:39

praising someone like even the most beautiful,

48:41

it's the most beautiful girl in the

48:43

room, right? They're, you're telling them how

48:45

beautiful they are, how beautiful they are.

48:48

They're always usually the most insecure because

48:50

then they're focusing only on the one

48:52

thing that they're known for and everything

48:54

else becomes you, they think that they're

48:56

not good enough in every other way.

48:58

I have to ask you this. It's

49:01

not so much about parenting. No, go

49:03

ahead. My girlfriend's super hot and has

49:05

always been praised for being beautiful. And

49:07

I can say this is a Christina,

49:09

hopefully you hear this. I get boyfriend

49:11

points for that. And she said, you

49:14

know, and she's a relationship person, so

49:16

she deals with lots of women. She

49:18

said some of the loneliness women out

49:20

there are the most attractive ones because

49:22

no guy will approach him. So you're

49:24

attractive. Was this an issue for you?

49:27

Well, thank you for saying that. That's

49:29

really an interesting thing. I do believe,

49:31

like I may be attractive, but... I

49:33

would say that. I've noticed that myself

49:35

in life, not because, not with me,

49:37

but I think I was pretty average

49:40

and I grew into myself. I kind

49:42

of like made the best, I made

49:44

myself the best version and I think

49:46

everybody should do this of what I

49:48

had to work with, right? Like I

49:50

think not everyone's going to be Jazelle

49:53

or Cindy Crawford, but everyone has like

49:55

certain nice character traits that they can

49:57

like then enhance, you know, like they

49:59

can double down on and you know

50:01

what, going in the gym and getting

50:03

a really fit body body, So you

50:06

don't get, you don't experience being treated

50:08

differently. Well, what I was, what I

50:10

will say is that when you are

50:12

attractive, people underestimate you in every other

50:14

way. They underestimate your intelligence, they underestimate

50:16

your ability to kind of function in

50:19

any other way, and they only see

50:21

you in one dimension. So I think,

50:23

that's why I think that's really important.

50:25

I think what I've seen in my

50:27

life and with people I know who

50:29

only double down on their looks. That

50:32

becomes a real problem. which is why

50:34

I think it's really important for people

50:36

to really focus on other aspects. And

50:38

also by the way, if you are

50:40

smart and you're attractive, like now you're

50:42

really winning because then you have the

50:45

ability to... to like to know that

50:47

other people what people think and then

50:49

work it and manipulate it to your

50:51

advantage. That's what I would say. Because

50:53

they're going to think you're dumb because

50:55

you're cute. Yeah they're going to think

50:58

you're dumb or they're going to and

51:00

or you know that because you're cute

51:02

you can pretty much get a leg

51:04

up on this person and get an

51:06

opportunity there and then you should be

51:08

able to if you're smart. Use it

51:11

to your advantage. What I'm what I'm

51:13

talking about if some are these people

51:15

who were only always praised for being

51:17

pretty and they never worked on anything

51:19

else and they believed the they believe

51:21

the hype that that's all they were.

51:24

One valuable skill for the younger guys

51:26

watching the show, if you're around a

51:28

woman who is smart and intelligent, compliment

51:30

her intelligence and see what happens. I

51:32

was also going to say the other

51:34

thing, but you were all. The problem

51:37

also is women who are smart and

51:39

attractive, men a lot of times are

51:41

so intimidated, that's why they're not getting

51:43

approached, right? Or they're not getting dated,

51:45

they're not dating, and that's why they're

51:48

lonely. And the problem also is if

51:50

they're successful, then they have this masculinity

51:52

sometimes, that kind of... you know, kind

51:54

of rears its ugly head, and then

51:56

guys are not attracted to that masculine

51:58

energy. So then the woman has to

52:01

know how to dial that back that

52:03

masculinity to be more feminine. It becomes

52:05

like a real, it becomes like a

52:07

whole dance of all sorts of things.

52:09

Christina and I work with people at

52:11

the masterminds every quarter, you know, two,

52:14

three days. or couples are saying about

52:16

talking about this, it's a big deal

52:18

to be able to shift your polarity

52:20

to match the situation you're in, especially

52:22

if you're working hard during the day.

52:24

And these are skills that if you're

52:27

raised well and you're okay with failure

52:29

and you're comfortable in your own skin,

52:31

they become easier. And if you've never

52:33

been rejected, you don't know what to

52:35

do. What I would say to that

52:37

is I think it's important for you

52:40

to be raised with how to instill

52:42

self-esteem. especially on both women and men,

52:44

especially in young girls. And the best

52:46

way to do that is through letting

52:48

them do things on their own and

52:50

following through because then they'll feel a

52:53

sense of accomplishment. And like I said

52:55

earlier, competence is what breeds confidence. And

52:57

if you don't feel competent in doing

52:59

something, you'll never feel confident in doing

53:01

something, you'll never feel confident. and therefore

53:03

have a lower self-esteem. And that becomes

53:06

a really bad vicious cycle later on

53:08

in life. Well, Jen, or Jennifer Cohen,

53:10

which is Jennifer cohen.com is your URL.

53:12

Thanks for giving a massively successful TED

53:14

Talk on something that's hard to talk

53:16

about. It's hard to put... exact things

53:19

to do about this, but I think

53:21

we came up with a few very

53:23

actionable things that parents can do that

53:25

might be uncomfortable for parents, and if

53:27

it's uncomfortable for a parent, then the

53:29

parent has to do their work, because

53:32

if you're not comfortable with your kids

53:34

being uncomfortable, you're the problem, right? Mm-hmm.

53:36

I think that's a good way of

53:38

putting it. Just, yeah, exactly. Just go

53:40

watch my TED Talk for all the

53:42

salient points. And thank you so much

53:45

for having me on your show. And

53:47

thank you so much for writing your

53:49

books and for talking about this, which

53:51

isn't all the hell stuff that's your

53:53

normal thing. You know, the hustle in

53:55

the habits in the entrepreneurship. This is

53:58

just something that... It matters greatly, so

54:00

I appreciate you putting some energy behind

54:02

it. Thank you, Dave. Thank you for

54:04

having me on your show and sharing

54:06

this message with your audience. It really

54:08

means a lot. See you next time

54:11

on the Human Upgrade podcast. The Human

54:13

Upgrade. The Human Upgrade, formerly Bulletproof Radio,

54:15

was created and is hosted by Dave

54:17

Asbury. The information contained in this podcast,

54:19

is provided for informational purposes only and

54:21

is not intended for the purposes of

54:24

diagnosing, curing, curing, or preventing any disease.

54:26

Before using any products referenced on the

54:28

podcast, consult with your health care provider.

54:30

Carefully read all labels and heat all

54:32

directions and cautions that accompany the products.

54:34

Information found or received through the podcast

54:37

should not be used in place of

54:39

a consultation or advice from a health

54:41

care provider. If you suspect you have

54:43

a medical problem or should you have

54:45

any health care questions, please promptly call

54:48

or see your health care provider. This

54:50

podcast, including Dave Asbury and the producers,

54:52

disclaim responsibility for any possible adverse effects

54:54

from the use of information contained herein.

54:56

Opinions of guests are their own and

54:58

this podcast does not endorse or accept

55:01

responsibility for statements made by guests. This

55:03

podcast does not make any representations or

55:05

warranties about guest qualifications or credibility. This

55:07

podcast may contain paid endorsements and advertisements

55:09

for products or services. Individuals on this

55:11

podcast may have a direct or indirect

55:14

financial interest in products or services referred

55:16

to here in. This podcast is owned

55:18

by Bulletproof Media.