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1:00

Welcome, one and all in here, out

1:02

there, all around the world, to the late

1:04

show. I'm your host, Stephen Colbert.

1:07

Ladies and gentlemen, we are,

1:09

what is this now? How

1:11

many days? Sixteen. We are

1:13

now sixteen days into Donald

1:15

Trump's second term and day

1:17

after day, it is exactly

1:19

what you thought, but worse

1:21

than you could have imagined.

1:24

The crazy is coming fast

1:26

and furious and furious and

1:28

furious. and the furious is coming

1:30

crazy and fast. He and his

1:32

Tekbro shock troops are violating so

1:34

many laws and norms that it's

1:36

hard to know when something outrageous

1:38

he says or does is an

1:41

atrocity or just a shiny distraction.

1:43

Or maybe a shiny atrocity.

1:45

Like yesterday, when Trump met

1:47

with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin

1:49

Netanyahu, first, the old buddies

1:51

spoke to reporters in the

1:54

Oval Office, and then they held

1:56

a joint press conference. where

1:58

Trump said this. The

2:00

U.S.S. will take over the

2:02

Gaza Strip. Ah! I'm sorry.

2:04

I'm sorry. That was just

2:06

so shocking. It made me

2:08

put a wig on. I

2:10

don't... I was hoping it

2:12

would block out the crazy.

2:14

What the hell do you

2:16

mean we'll take over Gaza?

2:19

We will do a job

2:21

with it too. We'll own

2:23

it. Oh, great idea. All

2:25

these years, I don't know

2:27

why no one else thought

2:29

to call shotgun on the

2:31

Holy Land. And once, once

2:33

we, and he's not clear

2:35

on who we is, own

2:37

it, you'll never guess what

2:39

this luxury real estate developer

2:41

wants to do with it.

2:43

Jim, shock us. take over

2:45

that piece and we're going

2:47

to develop it. We have

2:49

an opportunity to do something

2:52

that could be phenomenal. The

2:54

Riviera of the Middle East,

2:56

this could be something that

2:58

could be so bad. This

3:00

could be so magnificent. Yes,

3:02

the Riviera of the Middle

3:04

East, the Cancun of crises,

3:06

the sandals of sadness, the

3:08

carnival crews of war crime.

3:10

Now you might be asking,

3:12

what about the Palestinians who

3:14

lived there? Don't worry. Or

3:16

do. If you have a

3:18

shred of humanity, because Trump

3:20

does not, when asked how

3:23

many Palestinians would have to

3:25

be displaced for his luxury

3:27

real estate development, he said

3:29

this. All of them. I

3:31

mean, we're talking about probably

3:33

a million seven people, maybe

3:35

a million eight, but I

3:37

think all of them. You're

3:39

going to forcibly relocate. Almost

3:41

two million people, half of

3:43

whom are children. How many

3:45

of our moral principles would

3:47

America have to violate to

3:49

support this? All of them.

3:53

There you

3:56

go. So

4:03

So after the new and improved

4:06

trail of tears, who's going to

4:08

live in these haunted honeymoon sweets?

4:10

I envision the world people living

4:12

there the world's people world people

4:15

The world's people is he confusing

4:17

Gaza with Epcot? I envision world

4:19

people living there a little a

4:21

little Dutch boy in wooden shoes

4:24

hanging out with his best friend

4:26

and neighbor, goofy and a kimono.

4:28

And the world people will gather

4:30

every night for a laser light

4:32

parade. That's why they call the

4:35

Middle East the happiest place on

4:37

earth. Now, if this all makes

4:39

your head explode, I'm glad to

4:41

hear it. And you're not alone.

4:44

This is an actual picture of

4:46

Trump's chief of staff, Susie Wiles,

4:48

when she realized that Trump was

4:50

pitching the upside of ethnic cleansing.

4:53

There you go That's the face

4:55

of a woman hoping she gets

4:57

bumped up to first class on

4:59

the flight to Nuremberg Or possibly

5:02

the face of a woman realizing

5:04

she took her potgummies instead of

5:06

her centrum silver Anyone who isn't

5:08

currently employed by Donald Trump knows

5:11

this is beyond insane which is

5:13

why Republicans took such a brave

5:15

stance with Senator John Cornyn saying

5:17

I don't know what to make

5:20

of it check back with me

5:22

tomorrow. That's a good idea Yes,

5:24

because when history calls, you stall.

5:26

As Patrick Henry said, give me

5:28

liberty or give me 24 hours,

5:31

the British are making some really

5:33

good points. Now there might be.

5:35

There might be more than one

5:37

problem. Patrick Henry. Thank you for

5:40

your service, Patrick Henry. There might

5:42

be one more problem with Trump's

5:44

plan to have the United States

5:46

government take over Gaza. He's firing

5:49

everyone in the United States government

5:51

in the United States government in

5:53

the United States government in the

5:55

United States government. Last week an

5:58

email was sent to federal workers

6:00

offering them a buyout if they

6:02

resign. The message was titled, fork

6:04

in the road. Better than the

6:07

original subject line, you are completely

6:09

forked. The email originally excluded people

6:11

who work in intelligence because they're

6:13

critical to national security. But yesterday,

6:16

the CIA sent a buyout offer

6:18

to their entire workforce. I guess

6:20

that's a wrap on the CIA.

6:22

Let us now a bit of

6:24

fond farewell to some of their

6:27

finest work. And

6:40

it's not just the

6:42

CIA being purged, because

6:44

the FBI just turned

6:46

over details of 5,000

6:49

employees who worked on

6:51

January 6th cases, leading

6:53

to fears that they

6:55

could be terminated by

6:58

the Trump administration. At

7:00

this rate, the only

7:02

federal agents left are

7:04

going to be on

7:07

CBS's FBI, FBI most

7:09

wanted, FBI international, and

7:11

FBI true real agents

7:13

untold stories. And CBS

7:16

has repeatedly begged the

7:18

agents to tell those

7:20

stories. Honestly, you'd be

7:22

a better show if

7:24

they did. Right now,

7:27

it's just guys going,

7:29

nope. I said no.

7:31

You know, well, who

7:33

else is messing up?

7:36

Don Jr. Because Don's

7:38

been accused of killing

7:40

a protected duck while

7:42

on a hunt in

7:45

Italy. The rare duck

7:47

in question is an

7:49

endangered species known as

7:51

the ruddy shell duck.

7:54

The beautiful, deep orange

7:56

plumage with a touch

7:58

of pale white around

8:00

the eyes. Why would

8:03

Don Jr. have such

8:05

hostile feelings about that

8:07

duck? Oh my God!

8:09

How do we know?

8:11

How do we know

8:14

the Don Jr. shot

8:16

this rare bird because

8:18

he confessed to it

8:20

on video? There's actually

8:23

a lot of that

8:25

video. All of it's

8:27

pretty dumb. Italian

8:31

lawmakers are furious about Don

8:33

Jr. killing endangered ducks, saying

8:36

it's morally despicable. Of course

8:38

it sounds so much more

8:40

beautiful when the Italians say

8:42

it. You're despicable! Now thankfully,

8:44

thankfully not everything in the

8:46

news is about Donald Trump's

8:48

insanity. Every day we hear

8:51

at the late show get

8:53

email from our incredible research

8:55

department. And down to the

8:57

bottom of today's old breakdown,

8:59

they put stories that are

9:01

getting a little less attention.

9:03

Today I scrolled all the

9:06

way down and saw these

9:08

two smaller news items back

9:10

to back. Temperatures of the

9:12

North Pole are 20 degrees

9:14

Celsius above average beyond the

9:16

ice's melting point, and Uncle

9:18

O'Grimacy has returned to McDonald's.

9:21

Oh my God, the scientists

9:23

tried to warn us. Uncle

9:25

O'Grimacy is back. Who is

9:27

Uncle O'Grimacy? Come with me

9:29

children! To a magical land

9:31

known is 1978. Hello boys,

9:33

I'm back, and I'm painting

9:35

everything green to match with

9:38

Sam Rock's aches. Ah, I

9:40

missed the 1970s back when

9:42

the happy meal was four

9:44

lead paint chips and a

9:46

packet of lucky strikes. After

9:48

that, so he was introduced

9:50

in 78? That we started?

9:53

She started 78. So he's

9:55

introduced in 78. After that,

9:57

Uncle O' Grimacy disappeared for

9:59

decades. after the McDonald's marketing

10:01

team was targeted by the

10:03

IRA, but now he's back.

10:05

McDonald's did the big reveal

10:08

by showing Grimace finding his

10:10

beloved uncle on ancestry.com. So

10:12

moving. He also found a

10:14

previously unknown half-brother, Kyle. Of

10:16

course, like all estranged uncles,

10:18

Uncle Grimacy is back to

10:20

promote his signature drink, the

10:23

Shamrock Shake, here you go.

10:28

Kyle Grout with just a

10:30

hint of urinal cake. Now,

10:32

you might be asking, Steve,

10:35

how can you spend so

10:37

much time on this when

10:39

Trump and Musk are picking

10:42

our government apart like raccoons

10:44

on a rotisserie chicken? Well,

10:47

my response is, Uncle Lo

10:49

Grimacy resides on a small

10:51

island off the coast of

10:54

Ireland called Sham Rock, where

10:56

he spends his time going

10:58

on nature walks, bowling in

11:01

his local league, and attending

11:03

the Sham Rock Street Fair

11:06

and Music Festival. You racists!

11:08

As an Irish-American, I will

11:10

not stand for these inaccurate

11:13

stereotypes. Them as fighting words.

11:15

Here's me punching pipe. Let's

11:17

go! Come on, me! Come

11:20

on! and we all need

11:22

to focus on what is

11:25

most important. Uncle Grimacy's favorite

11:27

color is green. His nickname

11:29

is Uncle Lo, and for

11:32

all those who are wondering,

11:34

he's a Pisces. And you

11:36

know what that means, if

11:39

you're a Scorpio, you could

11:41

have incredible physical chemistry with

11:44

Uncle Lo Grimacy if you

11:46

can figure out where his

11:48

sex organs are. We got

11:51

a great show for you

11:53

tonight. This

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Terms apply. Hello

13:01

friends and neighbors, welcome back. Folks,

13:04

my first guest tonight is an

13:06

actor you know from hit TV

13:08

shows such as New Girl and

13:11

Happy Endings, he now stars

13:13

with his dad and the CBS

13:15

sitcom Papa's House. Look, dad, if

13:18

you want to relax on camera,

13:20

I tell my actors these three

13:22

things, right? Quiet hands, always smile,

13:25

and never look in the camera.

13:27

That's it? That's it. Nothing else?

13:30

Well... Let Dr. Reed know whose

13:32

house she's in. What do you

13:34

mean? Whose house is Dr.

13:36

Reed in? My house? You know,

13:39

say it. Papa's house. Say it.

13:41

She in Papa House. Whose house

13:44

is Dr. Reed in? She in

13:46

my house? She's in

13:49

your house and she's trespassing.

13:51

That's right. The living legend.

13:53

Six-time Marconi Radio Award winner.

13:56

Seven times. The Marconi Radio

13:58

Award winner. The master of...

14:00

the mic, the king of

14:03

the commute, the adornis of

14:05

audio! The MJ of the

14:07

Airways! I like that! You

14:10

mean that LeBron? Please welcome

14:12

back to the late show,

14:14

Damon Wayne's Jr. everybody. Congratulations

14:17

on the new show. Thank

14:19

you so much. Now I

14:22

know that you and and

14:24

your dad have performed together

14:26

before but this is the

14:29

first time that you guys

14:31

are headlining in a show

14:33

together. Yes. What is it

14:36

like to be in Papa's

14:38

house when it's with your

14:40

literal Papa because you know

14:43

Damon Wayne is your dad?

14:45

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Live Full Service. See guaranteed

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details at turbotax.com/guarantees. We're

18:31

back, we're one of the stars of

18:33

Papa's house here on CBS, it's Damon

18:35

Waynes Jr. I understand that you're, at

18:37

a certain point, I know your dad

18:40

started losing his hair early. Yes, okay?

18:42

He did at like 23. At 23,

18:44

okay. But he hit it, right? Yeah,

18:46

he, so he had, so he had

18:48

this, I remember this, like the Sherman

18:50

Hemsley, yeah, but the rooftop was missing.

18:52

So he used to wear this to

18:54

pay, like this hairpiece, and to make

18:57

us laugh as kids, he'd be driving,

18:59

we'd be leaving from somewhere, he'd be

19:01

driving, and he would loosen the tape,

19:03

right? And then he would sneeze while

19:05

he's driving, and I go, and it

19:07

would just hang. And we would die

19:09

laughing every time, it was so much

19:11

fun. Yeah, and yeah, it was. Have

19:14

you considered? Because a terrible hair piece,

19:16

too. Was it really? Yeah. You know,

19:18

like the stunt. hair that people wear

19:20

when they like fall down the stairs.

19:22

It looked like like an ice cream

19:24

sand. I don't know how to describe

19:26

it. That's all real, right? Now, for

19:28

now, yeah. Yes. You got a nice

19:31

head of hair. Have you ever thought

19:33

your dad looks good with the shave

19:35

dead? Have you thought about it? I'm

19:37

scared, man. Because it's like... Scare to

19:39

the shape of your skull? I shaved

19:41

my head once and I was worried

19:43

that I'd have bumps and stuff. Yeah,

19:46

no, I mean, so when I was

19:48

young, my dad used to shave our

19:50

heads bald when we got bad grades,

19:52

which is like the C's. He would

19:54

shave our heads bald. Honestly, that was

19:56

like, you knew when you brought that

19:58

report card home. what he would do

20:00

to make matters worse is he would

20:03

ask us what kind of haircut we

20:05

wanted. He'd be like,

20:07

so what do you want? I'd be like,

20:09

you know, and just like kind of shape

20:11

it up like this, you know, maybe give

20:14

me a part like all the other kids.

20:16

He's like, oh, cool, man. And he'd go

20:18

and just go straight down in the middle

20:20

of my head and be like, oh, I

20:23

got a do a ball now, man. Fair

20:25

amount of sneeze based comedy in your family.

20:27

He loves a good sneeze. Sneeze hair combo.

20:30

You have six children. Yeah, man. What do

20:32

you like, what do you like, what do

20:34

you like, I'm a fun dad. I'm like

20:36

the guy that likes to, you know, be

20:39

fun with the kids and my wife doesn't

20:41

really like that. So now I kind of

20:43

have to be the cop then. Yes. So

20:46

now what I do is I just yell

20:48

what she says in a deep voice right

20:50

after she says. Like, for example, she'll be

20:52

like, go upstairs, I'm like, yeah, go upstairs.

20:55

And then she'll put me to a side

20:57

and go, that was really good. I like

20:59

that. So never, that's important, never take an

21:02

opposite position. Never take the kid's side in

21:04

anything. At least not publicly. No. No. Do

21:06

you ever actually disagree and then just quash

21:08

it and discuss it later? Yes, that's what

21:11

we do. Okay. Yeah, because you can't, you

21:13

know, united front. Yeah. Do you always have

21:15

to say something? Every single time. Or else

21:17

I get a talking to. Like if she

21:20

says go upstairs... Can you come here? Yeah,

21:22

if I don't say anything, she's like, did

21:24

you hear me say go upstairs? I was

21:27

like, can we do it again? Well, Damon,

21:29

so nice to see you again. Papa's House

21:31

airs Monday nights at 830, right here on

21:33

CBS. Damon Wayne, Jr. everybody. Thank you for

21:36

listening to the Late Show podcast with Stephen

21:38

Colbert. Just one more thing. If you want

21:40

to see more of me, come to the

21:43

Late Show YouTube channel for more clips and

21:45

exclusives and exclusives.