0:00

Today on The Little Dum Dum Club,

0:02

a brand new episode with guests, Andrew

0:04

Hamilton and Nick Capa. And if you

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enjoy hearing this, you can come and

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see us live, can't you Carl? That's

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correct, Tommy. We are on Saturday, November

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the 23th in Perth. Yes. In WA

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in the western part of Australia. Yes,

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come and check that out. Tickets at

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littledumdumclub.com. Check out

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if you're on the internet. And also,

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why don't you chuck a few bucks into The

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Little Dum Dum Club Patreon and support the show.

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Keep the lights on in here. We'll talk to

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you more at the end of the episode and

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talk in Dum Dum. But until then, enjoy this

0:37

new episode with Andrew Hamilton and Nick Capa. Hey,

0:48

mates. Welcome once again into The Little Dum Dum

0:50

Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining

0:53

us. My name is Tommy Dassler. And with me is

0:55

always the other half of the program, Carl Chandler.

0:57

Oh, good idea, Ken. And joining us today,

0:59

please welcome onto the show two

1:01

very special guests, Nick Capa and Andrew Hamilton.

1:05

Two people guilty of heinous crimes,

1:07

one convicted. Yes,

1:11

yes. Mine is making

1:13

an audience laugh to

1:15

death. I

1:17

know. I know. I'm

1:19

a bad guy. I can't help

1:21

myself. I want some on a

1:24

roll. And we're away. Welcome,

1:27

Andrew. So you never

1:30

had you on the show before? No. Thanks

1:32

for having me, boys. We are very interested in

1:35

the fact that you, I mean, look, you've got to

1:37

show your touring at the moment. You've got to book out. And

1:39

it's all because you went to jail.

1:41

Yes. It's all based on the fact that you

1:43

got to jail. And that's what everyone, I think

1:45

normal people are fascinated by that, right? That's that's

1:48

what you would have found. Yeah, totally, man. I

1:50

think that that was one of the cool things

1:52

I noticed even when I first started saying it

1:54

was that people in noisy rooms would shut

1:56

the fuck up just to listen to me talk about do

1:58

jokes about getting locked. up. Yeah, yeah. And

2:01

especially like in the world of comedy, because

2:03

I think like, like, jail

2:05

is like real world shit. Comedy is like,

2:07

not even close to the real world. Like

2:10

we don't even know any people that have

2:12

superannuation. Yeah. Normal people are like, imagine doing

2:14

comedy and then comedians are like, imagine being

2:16

in jail. Yeah, yeah. No, we'll imagine fucking

2:18

having a nine to five job. Like we're

2:20

so far off. That's right. There's so many

2:22

comics that have never have even had a

2:24

real job. And I like, you know, I

2:27

worked in public relations for over a decade.

2:29

I sold drugs for 15 years and I

2:31

went to prison. So I have this wealth

2:33

of stories. Yeah, yeah. Very well, overly well

2:35

rounded. Yeah. Public relations sounds bad. That's

2:39

what you went to jail for,

2:41

right? So yeah, you started doing

2:43

stand up just

2:45

after coming out of prison. Yeah, man. I

2:47

got a, I got bail in October, 2021.

2:49

And I was under

2:51

house arrest at my parents' place. And then

2:54

I signed up to do the raw comedy

2:56

competition and I was like, well

2:58

fuck, if I'm going to do that, I should go and do

3:00

some open mics just to just practice. And

3:02

so I had to bring my mum along to the shows. Nice.

3:05

Oh, really? All right. Yeah. So, so

3:08

you're under house arrest, so you could leave the house,

3:10

but you had to have mum with me. I had

3:12

to have my parents with me. Now let me guess

3:14

doing this is, I'm doing comedy for the first time.

3:16

It's a lot like the first time I had sex.

3:19

Mum's here. It's all like the first

3:21

time I had sex. I was in

3:23

jail. Did

3:27

someone say your mum joke and then your mum

3:29

was standing right next to you? She goes, yeah,

3:31

I would do that. Yeah. Classic me. Man, it

3:34

was, it was, I was lucky that she

3:36

was so supportive of me doing comedy because

3:38

otherwise it would have been fucked. Like when

3:40

I floated that idea. Of course she's going

3:42

to be supportive of you doing comedy. You

3:44

just got out of jail. She's got to

3:46

be supportive of you doing anything. You're right.

3:48

She was. Yeah. I think she was happy

3:50

for me to do anything other than daily

3:52

drugs. Yeah. That's a good, because a lot

3:54

of, a lot of comedians complain that their

3:56

parents don't support them. That's a good tip.

3:58

Go to jail first. You

14:00

were doing it for 15 years. Yeah. What?

14:04

Man, you don't want to give away all the bits of the

14:06

book, but we were getting a beer yesterday and I'm like, oh,

14:08

this beer is good. This beer is good. And

14:11

I'm like, oh man, what about this beer? And he's like,

14:13

oh, I love that beer. I used to have that on

14:15

tap at my pizza restaurant. How

14:17

many pizza restaurants? You were also running

14:19

a pizza restaurant at this time, right?

14:21

Yeah. Because when

14:23

I stopped becoming a degenerate gambler, the

14:26

money just piled up so quick. During

14:28

COVID, I was just ordering so many shit pizzas. I

14:30

was like, fuck it. I'm opening a pizza store. Hang

14:32

on. So what? You were

14:35

such a successful drug dealer that you then

14:37

bought a pizza shop. Yeah.

14:40

Well, I was making like 30,

14:42

40 grand a week. Oh, fucking

14:44

hell. It's got to go somewhere. Yeah. Time

14:47

to open it. Domino's franchise. So did you like just

14:49

pick your favorite pizza shop and like buy it? No,

14:51

I built it from scratch. Oh, what? We

14:53

created our own one. So you built your own

14:56

pizza shop. That speed sounds real good. Fuck. So

15:02

how good was the pizza? It was

15:04

great. It was called Brooklyn Crispy. We did like

15:06

thin and crispy style pizzas. And

15:09

I invented the idea of nutritionally approved pizzas

15:11

for dogs. We had dog pizzas on the

15:13

menu. And so all the gays of pot

15:15

pots point would spend like $40 on the

15:18

human menu and $100 on the

15:20

dog pizza. They all would come for their

15:22

like dogs birthdays and shit. This

15:24

is like fuck. This is

15:26

like Al Capone going to jail for

15:28

the wrong thing. You should have gone to jail for inventing

15:30

dog pizzas. Pizzas. They

15:33

had an episode of Fusey. We got a problem

15:35

where he like ragged on it. He was like,

15:37

I'm trying to eat a pizza and there's dogs.

15:41

That's very funny. Yeah. So

15:43

Tommy, you would get a pizza for

15:45

your dog, wouldn't you? Absolutely. Yeah. I

15:48

don't think it sounds weird at all. But

15:50

it is also coloring why your parents are

15:53

so happy that you're doing comedy. It's like,

15:55

oh, thank God. His reform isn't another fucking

15:57

dog pizza joint. Again, another thing that makes

15:59

comedy look more legitimate. I thought that they

16:02

would hate me getting on stage and doing jokes

16:04

about me being a drug dealer and going to

16:06

prison. Yeah. But yeah, it was

16:08

cool that they were so supportive. Yeah, yeah,

16:11

yeah. So you were just talking about Yuzi before because you were

16:13

just on his radio show before and it was funny because you

16:15

were getting a lot of abuse from listeners because you were coming

16:17

in and being very pro, they were very

16:20

angry about you being an ex-meth dealer. And look,

16:22

but I think that's not- Not meth dealer. Oh,

16:24

not meth, come on man. Come on man. Come

16:26

on, come on. It was like an LX. Jeez,

16:28

come on. That's man's our guest. Get

16:30

your drugs right. Is that like

16:32

a- That's where you draw the line. I

16:34

would never sell meth, heroin, or GHB, partly

16:37

because they fucking destroy you, but also because,

16:39

like someone OD's is gonna come straight back

16:41

to me. I just wanted the user-friendly drugs.

16:43

Man, are the meth guys today like the

16:45

cruise ship comics? That's what I was gonna

16:47

say. That's like stand up and then the

16:49

Tik Tokers and stuff. Yeah.

16:52

You don't wanna be dealing with people scratching at

16:54

your door at four in the morning. Right. Yeah,

16:56

man, I'll pay you next week, I promise brother.

16:59

Mushrooms are like, dude, deals close at seven

17:01

o'clock at night. So you don't hear from

17:04

them. So who's the coolest dealer then? What's

17:06

the, who's the top? The coolest

17:08

dealer? Yeah, in terms of like, if meth's

17:10

the worst, what's the most

17:12

reputable drug to deal? Oh,

17:14

I mean, I love selling mushrooms because I

17:16

had a monopoly on it. No one else

17:18

was selling them as consistently and

17:21

in large amounts as I was. So you were number

17:23

one mushroom guy in Sydney. I was

17:25

the Mushroom King of Sydney for a decade, yeah. Never

17:27

really hear about people having a mushroom guy. It's always

17:29

like, oh, my brother grew this. There's never like a,

17:32

you know what I mean? There's never like a guy

17:34

out there servicing the community. Yeah, and like sometimes people

17:36

are like, oh man, that's too much for mushrooms. I

17:38

could just go pick them. I'm like, cool, dude, go

17:40

pick them. Like go have fun. But

17:42

like, you might not only be able to find a handful and

17:45

like it's seasonal, so, you know. That's

17:48

funny that you had a pizza restaurant. You

17:51

couldn't mix up the mushrooms. You're

17:53

dealing with large quantities of two different mushrooms. You can't mix

17:55

business and pleasure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No.

17:58

Okay, and is the shop still there? I created Church and

18:01

State, so I would just, the people

18:03

would run the restaurant and I would just sit at

18:05

home and sell drugs. Yep. So

18:07

you're just like, you're an investor, you're a silent

18:09

part. You used Walter White with the car wash.

18:12

Yeah, nice, nice. So

18:14

is Brooklyn Crispy still there? No,

18:16

it went under when I was locked up because

18:18

it was during COVID, it was struggling financially and

18:21

because I wasn't able to pump it full of

18:23

drug money anymore because I was locked up, it

18:25

went under. I think

18:27

the only way people can have a successful restaurant

18:29

is if they're involved in crime, surely, because you

18:31

gotta run at a loss for a couple of

18:33

years before it really gets to critical mass. Gotta

18:35

sell a lot of those $100 dog pizzas. It's

18:37

so hard to make money out of a restaurant.

18:39

So you're saying Ronald McDonald, who's a coke dealer,

18:41

so. When I was in jail, people

18:43

were like, dude, what were you doing money laundering

18:45

or opening a restaurant, dude? I

18:47

had all these bikies listening, all these other much

18:50

smarter ways you could clean money. They're like, just

18:52

open up a hair salon, man, and you can

18:54

just say you had 40, 50

18:56

wash and dryers today and just pour shampoo and

18:58

conditioner down the drain and like, there you go,

19:01

or fuck. Open a doggy daycare center and just

19:03

say you had 50 dogs in there that day.

19:05

Wow, that's good. So a restaurant was a bad

19:07

idea, but. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Jesus Christ. If

19:09

any of your listeners are looking for a lot

19:11

of money, get into the doggy daycare. I

19:14

would say go through patreon.com/the little donut club or

19:16

whatever. Yeah, that's the best one I would say.

19:18

I didn't hear, man, though, that pizza restaurants are

19:20

good because can't you just claim heaps of dough,

19:23

like flour and stuff? They're like, oh, I did.

19:25

Is that a pun? Yeah, oh, yeah. Get

19:28

out. I'm always on, baby. Get the fuck

19:30

out. Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, no, no, no,

19:32

but you can always claim, is it wasn't,

19:34

you always have all these ingredients when stale

19:36

or something like that? Maybe, but I don't

19:38

know. Between the rent and like staff costs

19:40

and, yeah, it just, it

19:42

didn't last. Yeah, fuck, that's amazing. What

19:44

are you doing? It's so amazing, man.

19:46

I love it. So

19:49

the cops come around, raid your house. Yeah.

19:52

And then put you away. I was high on coke and

19:54

they just started smashing through the front door with a battering

19:56

ram. And they were like, they

19:59

were balling. it up and like got

20:01

like shields and everything and

20:03

I was hiding behind the bedroom door and they just

20:06

threw me to the ground and started mouthing off. And

20:08

is this Covid? Is this still during Covid? It

20:10

was in between Covid lockdowns in Sydney. I was

20:13

going to say that's a great defense if they're

20:15

like you're coming with us you're like oh the

20:17

clinks five kilometers away from my house so you

20:21

didn't hear it was in Sydney during Covid lockdowns. Oh

20:23

yeah yeah yeah. That was like you

20:25

could do what the fuck you want. It

20:27

was weird that the Sydney

20:30

lockdown started again when I was locked up

20:32

and so people were stuck in their houses

20:34

having mental health issues and I was in

20:36

prison playing touch footy. Oh

20:39

you could touch people. I was much more social in

20:41

jail when I could have been in the free world.

20:43

Yeah everyone's on that you know

20:45

that zoom party thing like

20:47

you know what I mean everyone's locked in their house by themselves and

20:49

you're just there with the boys like yeah

20:52

it's me and fucking nut buster

20:54

we're hanging out we're playing touch

20:56

footy. Yeah nut buster. Any

20:58

interesting theories about the Vax flying around in

21:00

the in the prison? Oh man there's

21:02

all kinds of wild theories yeah I you get

21:04

a bunch of guys with like crazy conspiracy theories

21:07

in your ear when you're walking around the yard

21:09

because you're just out in the yard all day.

21:11

Yep you know. Of course they're gonna have a

21:13

myth like that's what that's why people had them

21:15

outside because the whole world turned into jail. Yeah

21:18

that's when you have them when you're fucking locked

21:20

up yeah jail would be nothing but conspiracy theories.

21:22

Yeah yeah there was one guy that was trying

21:24

to convince me that Hitler was a Jew and

21:26

um you know you're just not a long

21:28

and then he's like you're a smart guy just do your independent research.

21:31

Yep yeah right because I was saying

21:33

the other day like smartphones like you

21:35

know when you're a kid and someone

21:38

would bring up a fact but you couldn't fact check

21:40

it on a smartphone. Yeah yeah dirty long legs most

21:42

venomous spider in the world. The only thing is is

21:44

the pincers aren't big enough. You're just like yeah did

21:46

you hear about the girl who put a test tube

21:48

up a pussy and it smashed wild you know what

21:51

I mean oh that happened at my school as well.

21:53

Is that first one true because I never actually looked

21:55

that one up. Yeah I never I've never looked it

21:57

up either but in jail you got no social media.

22:00

No, but you do have fact check systems, right? So

22:02

you debate stuff for a while, other guys will get

22:04

looped in, argue it, and then when you finally gotta

22:06

settle it, someone will call a loved one on the

22:08

phone to go and look at her. Oh really, dude?

22:10

Who wants to be a millionaire scholar?

22:12

Nice. Hey, um, mum, it's

22:14

Ivan. Me

22:17

and the boys in Long Bay just wanna know,

22:20

the daddy long legs thing. Is

22:22

it true? Did Marilyn Manson really take a

22:24

rib out to suck your joint dick? A

22:27

lot of shit like that, yeah. Oh, can you look that up? Yeah. Yes,

22:30

no worries, Mr. Bryant. That

22:36

is the thing when you go to a trivia night

22:38

and you can't be on your phone and just look

22:40

up the answer. It's like, it's the only place in

22:42

the world where you're not allowed to do that anymore.

22:45

And it drives you inside, cause you're just there, you're

22:47

like, I know I can fucking find this out right

22:49

now, if I just get my fucking goddamn phone out.

22:51

Yeah. All right, so you go, so you get sentenced.

22:54

You go to court, do you do the great trick?

22:56

Do you defend yourself, or have you got someone? I

22:59

had a lawyer, so when I originally got bail, I

23:02

was in jail in Romand for

23:04

four months, which is like unsentenced prison. Then

23:06

we went for bail and I brought like

23:08

the biggest book I had in my cell,

23:11

which was like a Game of Thrones book,

23:13

and I put on my glasses just cause

23:15

I thought, if I look intellectual. Bullshit. I

23:18

was like, maybe they'll, I'm like, oh, this guy's not

23:20

saying that. I don't know if

23:22

that helps. But yeah,

23:24

so we got bail and then I was under

23:26

house arrest for nine months, and then I got

23:29

sentenced in July, 2022. And

23:32

one of the reasons the judge kept

23:34

me out of prison was that he liked that I was

23:36

rehabilitating myself through standup. Right. Yeah.

23:39

But how long were you actually in jail for all of

23:41

that? Four months. Four months. Yeah, but when

23:43

you're in Romand, you don't know how long

23:46

you're gonna be in there because it's like, you're supposed to

23:48

be in there until you get sentenced unless you get bail.

23:50

But so I'd already made peace with the fact that I

23:52

thought I was gonna be in there for years. Right. Yeah,

23:55

so when you're like, when you finally got done, was this

23:57

something that you had, had this

23:59

been like on the back? you're like, were you like,

24:01

all right, my luck's right now? Or had you reached

24:03

a point where you're like, I've done this for a

24:05

while, I'm pretty invincible. I thought I was invincible, I

24:07

thought I'd never get, I thought I was too smart

24:09

for cops who just were hovering around the train station

24:11

with a bunch of sniffer dogs, and like looking for

24:14

like Lebanese guys in a Mercedes, and I'm like driving

24:16

around in a go-get car share, like thinking I'm, you

24:18

know, just totally under the radar. And I

24:20

was until I got pointed out

24:22

by my own fiance. Oh, fuck. Yeah,

24:25

so I was not thinking that it was ever gonna

24:27

happen. And that's why I was so dumb with my

24:29

money because you just, when you're in that, you

24:32

think that the sky's never gonna fall,

24:34

right? So I was just putting so

24:36

much into gambling and booze and food

24:38

and drugs, and yeah, never

24:40

was pretty much away. So not before

24:42

prison. How you

24:44

feeling? Like before you go in, like are you

24:47

like, fucking losing your mind, knowing that the next

24:49

morning you have to go to prison? No, it

24:51

wasn't like that. My house got raided and I

24:53

got taken straight there. Oh, right. Yeah, so you

24:55

just, my house got raided, and then I'm coked

24:57

up. I don't have any time to think about

25:00

it. Next thing you know, I'm gonna sell, going

25:02

fuck, that was heavy. And then they're like, bail

25:04

refused, you're on a truck straight to Park Lee

25:06

prison. And so, like, it all happens

25:08

so quickly that you don't really have any time to

25:10

process any of it. While you're high and then you're

25:12

like coming down, like, oh fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

25:14

Fuck, what a come down. If I had just been

25:17

like knowing that it was looming, I would have been

25:19

way more stressed. But then, because I got forced into

25:21

it, and then I'm having a fine time, when I

25:23

got out, the undercover cops came

25:25

to see me when I was on bail, and they tried to offer

25:27

me a deal. They were like, oh mate,

25:29

we can get you 60% off your sentence if you

25:31

give us information. And

25:34

I said,

25:36

there's a chance I may not be going back. And they're

25:38

like, oh, you're going back. You know, they try to scare

25:40

you. And so, they were like, oh,

25:43

it doesn't even have to be someone you like, you can

25:45

dub in someone that you don't like. It's

25:47

like, that's good to know, you know? Probably

25:49

should be, yeah. But I

25:52

said, look guys, you

25:54

really should try to do this before someone goes to

25:56

prison. Not when they come out and

25:58

they realise it was fine. Yeah. And

26:00

they said, we tried to, but they couldn't get in

26:02

because of COVID. The lockdown

26:05

stopped even the cops from getting into prison to be

26:07

able to talk to you. Great. Not in my bubble.

26:09

You would have been like, must be nice. You weren't

26:11

allowed in jail. That's

26:14

so funny. Remember you used to see those notices. I don't

26:16

know if they're still around, like Dobby and the dealer. Yeah.

26:19

And it was like Dobby and the dealer day, you can Dobby and the dealer. But

26:22

one of my mates, he went out

26:24

with this girl who was pretty hot in

26:26

the student accommodation place I lived in. And

26:29

then they started going to get weed off this guy

26:31

called Ugly Doug. It was like

26:33

the ugliest man on earth. He was very

26:35

ugly. I

26:37

didn't like Ugly Doug. He was just annoying. He was

26:39

very rude to me. Probably because I

26:41

was on par with ugliness. Like he's

26:44

like fucking another ugly guy, stepping on

26:46

my territory. Respect you? Yeah, he didn't

26:48

respect me at all. And then Ugly

26:50

Doug ended up taking

26:52

my mates girlfriend. Right. Yeah,

26:54

yeah. And she was like pretty hot.

26:56

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I had a story to have to

26:59

say to someone. I had to lose your girlfriend to

27:01

Ugly Doug. Oh man. We didn't say- Please just tell

27:03

me it's anyone but Ugly Doug. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

27:06

I mean I wouldn't find losing it to Doug. Yeah,

27:08

Ugly Doug. Doug Mollray,

27:10

yes. Ugly Doug, no. But

27:14

yeah, it was so funny. There was like a bit

27:16

of breathing room. We didn't want to hurt him too

27:18

much. And then like about a couple of weeks later

27:20

on the beers and we're like, I can't believe Ugly

27:23

Doug fucked you Mrs. You're

27:26

a fucking moron. You know,

27:28

just waiting for a butt. Cause

27:31

I didn't respect Ugly Doug. I was like, I

27:33

knew where he lived. And I was like, fuck.

27:35

I would love to call the dob in a

27:37

deal alone. Like you attempted. Yeah, I was nearly

27:39

gonna do it. No, I wouldn't have done it,

27:41

but it did cross my mind. The only time

27:43

it's crossed my mind, you know? Yep. Yeah.

27:45

So you're in the truck. How,

27:48

truck going to jail. How quickly

27:50

do you turn prison gate? Do

27:52

you suck anyone off on the

27:54

bus or how's it work? 27

27:56

minutes in he's waited for that. Yeah. You're

28:00

welcome. I thought you don't want to

28:02

start too hot. Yeah, I thought it

28:04

would come in after, hey mate. Andrew. In

28:07

terms of that, it's not really like that. But I was too

28:09

late. I was already sucking it off. I was like, man, you

28:11

don't have to do that.

28:13

Hey man, it's 2022. We don't do that kind of

28:15

stuff here anymore. You already sucked

28:17

off two cops that were in the race. Jesus

28:20

Christ. I thought it was a

28:22

baton. You always see these stories

28:24

about corrupt police officers and I

28:26

was like, man, I would have

28:29

loved to have a corrupt cop

28:31

come and ask me for a bribe. I would have happily paid it

28:33

just for a tip off before I ran out of the spot. It's

28:38

funny, in Australia, mainstream

28:40

jail yards are mostly

28:42

homophobic. For

28:44

guys to be gay or

28:46

anyone to rape someone, they'd get bashed very,

28:49

very badly. Yeah, right. Really? I

28:51

would assume that's the attitude all around the world until

28:54

you're in there for a while and start going, eww.

28:57

I know guys that have done 20 years in

28:59

prison, there's no real point where you're like five,

29:01

seven years in and you're like, you know what?

29:04

I think I like dudes now. Yeah. It's

29:06

as good as it's going to get. But then again, I

29:08

don't think anyone's sitting around and going, you know what? I

29:10

think I might start telling the story about how I fucked

29:13

a man. True. They're

29:15

not going to bust it out. To answer your

29:17

question somewhat, there was a condom dispenser on the

29:19

wall in one of the yards of Parkley Prison.

29:21

So I was like, okay. Okay. Just

29:23

in case. Yeah. So you did it,

29:26

so like publicly, prominently displayed, you're

29:28

seeing a guy go up and get a little

29:30

condom and you're like, what's this guy planning? But

29:32

like, yeah, they had that there. They also- You

29:35

never used it, obviously. I used it for

29:37

a posh wank every now and then. Yeah,

29:39

yeah, yeah. You're more of a bareback man, so you

29:42

never actually used it. So

29:45

yeah, the gayest thing that happened to me was just a guy

29:47

pitched me on the ass a couple of times and I was

29:49

like, oh, that could be a problem because he was like twice

29:51

my size. Yeah, okay. And I

29:53

got moved to another prison wing. Oh, really?

29:56

Yeah. Because of that? No,

29:58

not because of that. I'd been like trying to get a job. I was

30:00

just a HR and a prisoner. I got pinched

30:02

on the bone. Yeah. That was making

30:04

your life so much worse. Yeah. But

30:09

you don't know that going in, right? So are

30:11

you like, yeah, you on the bus being like,

30:13

fuck, here we go. This could all be. Yeah,

30:15

exactly. I was still

30:17

recovering from my three day Coke bender. So I

30:19

really wasn't, I was just like, take

30:21

it one step at a time. Yeah. I

30:24

wasn't really thinking that far ahead. Get in there. I didn't know

30:26

what I was walking into. Get my little boy pussy cleaned up

30:28

just in case. A pussy? Is that

30:30

what it is? Yeah. Man, I never thought to

30:32

ask you this too. Did you, cause you know

30:34

the same prison you got to fucking, you

30:37

know, like declare that you're the most

30:39

powerful or whatever, like first up. Did

30:42

you just walk in and just like, okay, maybe

30:44

I should punch the biggest guy straight up. Nah,

30:46

it's not really. Any of those cliches ring true.

30:48

Any of the prison? No. I

30:51

mean, you definitely do have to stick up for yourself.

30:53

Guys will sometimes test you. Like I had guys try

30:55

and push in front of me on the line for

30:57

the phone. And you know, the guy's

30:59

half my size and you've got to stick up for yourself.

31:01

Cause if you just, if you let them, then next thing

31:03

you know, you'll have guys coming into your cell to rob

31:05

you and stuff like that. Yeah. Really? And I saw- Well

31:08

they won't let you fuck them or you know, whatever it

31:10

is. Yeah. Anything like that, you know? It's

31:13

a slight, you know, it's a

31:15

dangerous slippery slope. Right? You

31:17

know? You're having a royal wank and then they come

31:19

in, take the condom off your penis. That'll

31:22

be fine. Thank you. Yeah. I

31:24

put the mouth on. I saw

31:26

a guy get like beaten up a couple of times and

31:28

I said to my cellmate, I'm like, oh man, like, I

31:31

really like that bloke. Like that's, I want to stick up

31:33

for him. He was like, you can't stick up for him

31:35

unless he sticks up for himself. Like you can't- Oh

31:37

yeah. You got to let people- You got to let people- You got

31:39

to let people do their own jail. That's what you hear a lot

31:41

of the time. When guys are struggling, you got to let people do

31:43

their own jail. So,

31:46

but, oh there's, you'd see

31:49

drug addicts would pick on,

31:51

they would target other drug addicts. Like guys that

31:53

went to the methadone clinic to get methadone tablets.

31:56

When they, as soon as they got back to the cell, the

31:58

odd guys would- bash them

32:00

and make them throw up so they eat the

32:03

spew. Oh wow. Yeah, it's called spuies. It's

32:05

called what? Spuies. Spuies. Yeah,

32:08

yeah. Clever name. There we go. Clever name

32:10

point. They get the methadone out of

32:12

you. Yeah, it's pretty. Wow, that's awesome. All right,

32:15

here we go. That's grim. Yeah. Holy

32:17

shit, dude. Stuff like

32:19

that happens, but like, I look, I,

32:21

the drugs

32:23

in jail are so putrid that I was like, you know,

32:25

if it was coke floating around, I would have had a

32:27

problem, but there was none of that. Well,

32:30

a little bit of ice, a lot

32:32

of this thing called bupe,

32:34

which I think in Melbourne is called subby

32:37

suboxone, which is like a heroin substitute. It's

32:40

like comes in strips. That's like the biggest drug

32:42

in Aussie prisons. Right. And

32:45

so there's a lot of that that gets smuggled in

32:48

or guys with, that go to the methadone clinic, but

32:50

none of those drugs were like ones that at all

32:52

appealed to me. So it was quite easy for me

32:55

to get off drugs. You still, you still buying anything

32:57

in cigarettes in there or is that sort of like,

32:59

is that like cash? Is that like old school? We

33:01

don't do cash anymore. We don't do cigarettes anymore. Just

33:03

the Greeks and their easy. The jail was a band

33:05

cigarettes. Now they used to be able to buy them.

33:08

I think it was called white ox. I believe was

33:10

the brand, but now you got to smuggle them in

33:12

or otherwise guys smoke banana leaves. Oh,

33:14

how do you get banana? Oh, the actual leaves off.

33:16

Yeah. They get bananas. They dry them out and they

33:19

smoke it just to have something just to inhale something.

33:21

Yeah, right. Being allowed to do

33:23

that. I'm assuming you've got to sneak that around

33:25

or whatever. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Yeah. That's

33:28

the thing on fire. Yeah. That'd be

33:30

cool. You're like, who's the toughest guy in the

33:32

prison? It's got to go in the corner with

33:34

a white single just smoking a banana leaf. Yeah.

33:36

That's legit. Yeah. That's really what happened. Banana flavor.

33:39

Yeah. So what, so do they, so there's no,

33:41

there's no buying stuff in cigarettes anymore. So what

33:43

are you doing? Do they give you an allowance

33:45

in there? What's the, what's the monetary sort of.

33:47

So yeah, you do have a prison money

33:50

account and you get, everyone

33:52

in jail gets paid or in New South

33:54

Wales, at least like something like 18 bucks

33:56

a week, just being an inmate. Yeah. You

33:59

get paid that by the government. That's awesome. Yeah.

34:02

180 bucks. The reason

34:05

for that is because you can buy up to $100

34:07

with the groceries a week if

34:09

you have loved ones, putting money into your account. Or otherwise, you

34:11

can. Oh, right. But if some

34:13

guys don't have any family, then suddenly the

34:15

haves and the have nots becomes a

34:18

pretty violent situation. So the government

34:20

pays you at least $18 so you

34:22

can get a couple of things. Oh, right. Ah. Of

34:24

course. That makes sense. Yeah. So if you've

34:26

got family that care about you and they

34:29

give you any money, you're going to be

34:31

targeted. Well, it's not so much that you're

34:33

targeted. I mean, certainly there are. If any

34:35

guy looks like a pushover and they have

34:37

a pretty nice buy up, then they're going

34:40

to have problems. But it's

34:42

just so that at least the guys who

34:44

don't have a support network

34:46

at least get something. Absolutely.

34:49

Like the rest of society. Yeah. To stop

34:51

anyone from fucking stealing everything. But you can get jobs in

34:53

jail where you can get maybe an extra 20, 30 bucks

34:55

a week. Oh, did

34:57

you get a job? I did have a job in

34:59

a packaging factory for a couple of weeks, but it

35:01

was shit. I worked so hard to get

35:03

a job. And then as soon as I had it, I was like.

35:06

Oh, I had this shit job when I was in jail. The

35:10

whole concept of jail, I think, is bad enough. You

35:12

can't complain about your job. Take me back to the

35:14

dog pizzas. Boring, I quit my job in jail. As

35:17

soon as I got it, I regretted it. I was like, I want

35:19

to actually, I prefer to work part time. This is too much. I'll

35:22

work from home. That is so funny.

35:25

That's awesome. You get a job and say, can I work from

35:27

home? I'm sure. And then you'll leave prison

35:29

and go home. You get 18 bucks a week just for

35:31

being in jail, but you get 30 bucks

35:33

or 35 bucks a week for working a job.

35:35

So you only get an extra 18 bucks a

35:38

week for working 30 hours a week. So

35:42

it's like, what, you're getting paid a dollar an hour

35:44

or some bullshit. But

35:47

the reason why it's the gift of working.

35:49

It's supposed to be that it makes your

35:51

time go faster. Yeah, yeah, I'm sure

35:53

that. I'd rather just be in the

35:55

yard playing cards and exercising than. Yeah, well, you

35:57

got all that gay sex to get stuck. Well

36:00

you had that, he was getting paid for

36:02

that as well. That was a

36:04

good earner actually. It's so

36:06

funny you're just working in the factory like, oh man, can't

36:08

wait to get back to the cell. What am I going

36:10

to do this weekend in jail? Get

36:13

back to digging a hole in the wall with my Pamela

36:15

Henderson poster over the top. What are you up to this weekend boys?

36:19

Because you were at the packaging factory for so long

36:21

of the day, and like my biggest

36:23

thing for me that kept me sane was just having cups of coffee.

36:26

Like I bought Nescafe Blend 43, it was my fancy

36:28

item on the buyout that I used to get. What

36:30

do you got on the list? It's

36:33

like chocolate chips, soft drink noodles,

36:35

they had all kinds of healthy

36:37

stuff like canned corn and fried

36:39

rice and all kinds of pans.

36:43

Does it sound an all right? Do

36:45

they have theme nights? Is there any like,

36:47

Parmenide? Is

36:49

there anything like that? Once a month when you

36:51

were good there was a barbecue, they put on a barbecue.

36:55

But because you're at the packaging factory for so

36:57

long and I really liked having my coffees and

36:59

when you go to the factory you can't take

37:01

anything with you. They pat you down and you

37:04

get metal wandered and everything.

37:07

And so you don't have anything. And so I said to

37:09

the screw that manages the factory, I was like, hey man,

37:12

I think it'd be nice if like once a week,

37:14

like we could bring some of our

37:16

buy up stuff to the factory with us for

37:18

the week. So we have some food

37:20

because I was having a smuggle. You couldn't have

37:22

like a smoker or anything like that? No, I was

37:24

having to smuggle my Nest Cafe Blend 43 under my

37:27

ball sack into the factory. Amazing.

37:31

Amazing. That's Blend 69. You

37:33

couldn't smuggle it in your ass. You couldn't smuggle it in your

37:35

ass because that was already full of karmas. We

37:38

hit it and reached max capacity. You

37:43

want milk with that? I

37:46

was doing this thing I invented called kumby's where I

37:48

was trying to put in front and milk out back.

37:52

Too spouted teapot. This is crazy. So

37:55

good. So

37:57

yeah, I was like having a smuggle coffee.

38:00

into the packaging factory. So I was like, this is

38:02

stupid. So I negotiated on behalf of all the workers.

38:04

So he allowed us to bring it over once a

38:06

little. Oh, you're the guy now. Yeah. You're

38:08

the guy like they talk about, oh, he's the

38:10

guy that got us Nescafe privileges in the factory.

38:12

That's it. Yeah. Fuck. Nice.

38:16

In the statue of you made out of noodles. Yeah. Yeah,

38:18

factory. So

38:21

how long, so total time in there for four months.

38:23

125 days, yeah. 125 days, right. And

38:26

how much like notice did you get that

38:28

you were being let out? Zero

38:30

lucky you went for your, I went for my

38:32

bail hearing and I had low expectations because after

38:35

you have like so many setbacks in there, you stop

38:37

trying to get your hopes up because it just becomes

38:39

such a dangerous thing. Yeah. Like, yeah,

38:41

you've just, you have so many things

38:44

that don't go well when you have your hopes up

38:46

and it fucking crushes you so hard that

38:48

by the end, you just, they

38:51

say in jail, yeah, you hope for the best, but

38:53

you expect the worst, right? So that's why the mentality

38:55

I had. So when I got it, I was, I

38:57

couldn't believe it. Yes, I can go to an open

38:59

mic. Yeah, yeah. Finally. Yeah. A

39:02

deal with even worse people. Yeah. Send

39:04

me back to jail, actually. Yeah. Yeah.

39:07

Fuck. So if you went back now, if you

39:09

went back now, like it was like the last

39:12

episode of Seinfeld, if you went back and you

39:14

got to do standup in there, what would be

39:16

the relatable gear that you could do in there?

39:18

Like what's the stuff that people in prison wanna

39:20

hear about? If you think back, what's the gear

39:23

that the funny sort of subjects that people would

39:25

go off for? I mean, I am probably

39:28

gonna be performing in a prison next year.

39:30

Like we're in the middle of talks about

39:32

it. I was originally supposed to go to

39:34

one of the maximum security prisons in Sydney

39:36

in February to perform, but they

39:38

realized that I'm currently doing a sentence. And so

39:40

I wasn't allowed to be in there. Oh yeah.

39:42

And so, which is pretty funny. Like I'm not

39:44

allowed to go into a prison while I'm doing

39:46

a prison sentence. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right? So.

39:49

That's, you know, you never go double prison. What's that? Yeah,

39:51

it's double jeopardy. It can't get you a gig. I was

39:53

like, surely I'm more qualified than anyone else, so

39:56

I'm gonna wait till next year. But I

39:58

mean, man, yeah. Anything. The best day of the

40:00

week is buy up day, which

40:03

is when you get your groceries every week. So

40:05

that's like the airplane material, is it? In there,

40:07

that's a buy up day. I think buy up

40:10

day or bronzing up, which is a term, which

40:12

is like any guy who's like not well

40:14

in the head is like

40:16

acting out, they'll cover themselves head to toe in their own

40:18

shit. That's like, that's a big

40:21

term in jail. Does that happen a

40:23

lot? I never saw it

40:25

happen, but every guy who's done any proper

40:27

stints would say

40:29

that they've seen it. Right. Yeah. Chris

40:32

Lilly did it a fair bit, didn't he? Didn't

40:34

he do it? And

40:37

that was the crime, I don't know. Bronzing

40:39

up on his shoe. Dude,

40:42

we got like makeup here. No, no,

40:44

no, no, no. I

40:47

don't want you to go down for what I'm doing on paper. I

40:51

want to keep this all in house. So

40:54

that's the stuff that people in there would want to

40:56

hear, stand up material. I mean, I

40:58

think anything about family visits and the awkwardness of

41:01

that, or like smuggling drugs into the jail, or

41:04

just the battles for phone queues. I mean,

41:06

it's just heaps of shit. I love that.

41:08

That's just the day to day stuff. It

41:10

was even funny, like anytime there was

41:13

the smallest drop of rain or it was too

41:15

cold, you'd have like a guy represent

41:17

the whole yard to ask if we could just get locked

41:19

back up, like straight away. Like in the morning, like you'd

41:21

be released out of your cells at like 8.30 and

41:24

we'd be back in our cells by like. But did you want that

41:26

to happen? Yeah, man, because

41:28

like you get to, if it was freezing cold

41:30

or pouring rain and you're out in a yard

41:32

with like barely any shelter, you'd rather be like

41:34

toasty in your bed watching like daytime TV and

41:36

reading books. Yeah, well you don't want to stretch

41:38

your legs. You don't get sick of being in

41:41

your cell. Yes, stretch your legs for six hours,

41:43

seven, six hours a day every day. So it's

41:45

like, if you miss one day because it's freezing

41:47

cold, you're not missing it too much. Oh, right,

41:49

okay, cool, cool. You'd rather watch

41:51

more cell fucking pedals or whatever. What

41:54

jokes could we write for jail? You

41:57

know what I mean? We got buy up day

41:59

and bronzing up. You know what I mean? specific

42:01

like jail jokes like because you go into the

42:04

jail and you can't test them anyway you need

42:06

to go to like smaller jails and like test

42:08

the jokes before you have your big maximum security

42:10

one. It's good to be here, I was just

42:12

in the pedo wing so it's good to be

42:14

anyone. The

42:17

bone yard that's what it's called that's

42:19

the protection wing right like the pedos

42:21

and any police informants and cops

42:25

all those guys go. You get informant and you

42:28

get chucked in with the pedos that's rough. Yeah,

42:30

pedos, rape, performance all together. All you did was

42:32

snitch and then you're in there with all them

42:34

being like all this is I

42:36

mean this is unfair, we're not the same. Who was the

42:38

best and most crimes that you were in with? Like who

42:41

was the sort of people that you were with? Like

42:43

a lot of murderers. Really? Yeah.

42:46

That's the other thing I mean he's just

42:48

selling mushrooms. Yeah that's true. Yeah. He's just

42:50

like supplying people having a lot of news.

42:53

When you were in Remand I

42:55

was on a class A so

42:57

my charges were as serious as

42:59

a murder in terms of like where

43:01

you'd be get put before

43:03

you get sentenced right. Once I got sentenced I would have

43:05

been sent to minimum security but before pre

43:08

sentencing I was in maximum. So

43:10

yeah you're in there with guys, you're in there

43:12

for kidnapping, murder, all that

43:14

kind of stuff but then like anything

43:17

that's considered undesirable, rape,

43:20

abuse of a woman or a kid anything

43:22

like that they just get

43:24

pushed to the protection wings. Yeah. But sometimes

43:26

guys lie. Sometimes guys just

43:29

want to be in the main yard because they don't

43:31

think they're part of that group and so they'll be

43:33

in a main yard until they

43:35

get found out. Fuck. Sneak in.

43:39

Well no because when you first arrive at jail

43:41

they'll ask you like do you need protection? Right?

43:43

Oh okay right. If you say no

43:46

they'll put you in the main yard and

43:48

then people may or may not

43:50

find out your charges. So like luckily people would ask me

43:52

and I would say mushrooms and be like oh that's hilarious

43:54

and then luckily I was all over the news so like

43:56

if anyone checked it verified.

43:58

Right. Sometimes it's like

44:00

they should have a better system than just asking

44:03

the inmates what they're yeah There

44:09

was one guy in my park

44:12

Lee who he He

44:14

might a lot about his charges but his cellmate found his

44:17

charge sheet in the bin and it he bashed a baby

44:19

and He was

44:21

told you got five minutes to go to buzz up and get

44:23

the fuck out of here Oh, you're gonna be in a lot

44:25

of trouble and he was like no man the boys he'll respect

44:27

me Like he thought he had friends and then he

44:30

refused to leave and then 15 minutes later

44:32

Someone came in and broke his jaw in

44:34

like three places. Wow. Oh my god. I'd

44:36

be I'd be the freezing Bashed a baby

44:39

fuck. There's something truly insane about Dude,

44:42

yeah, go in there and say I

44:44

killed Harold Holt. That was me. Yeah,

44:46

that's where he went I'm a Chinese

44:48

submarine. Yes, I drove the submarine. I

44:50

hit him. It was me Yeah,

44:53

but so yeah, sometimes it can take a while for people

44:55

to get found out though You know,

44:57

sometimes it's the guards tip them off to

45:00

people off Oh, yeah, you'll go to a family

45:02

visit and one of the screws will say to

45:04

someone like watch that watch that guy around your

45:06

kids This

45:11

is a lot you've taken in in four months I have

45:19

Like we've been hanging out the last two

45:21

days and it never gets like Not

45:24

surprising or you know, it's

45:26

it's like totally it's always interesting

45:28

It's like it must be like a

45:31

much worse aversion but similar to being on holidays

45:33

You know when you're on holidays and everything seems

45:35

like it takes forever and there's so many different

45:37

things that happen That's what jail sounds like a

45:39

much grimmer version of it was a lot. You

45:41

agree Andrew? For

45:45

me it was because I think my life was

45:47

such a mess Such

45:49

so much coke and I was just like in

45:51

such a bad spiral that and then

45:53

I ended up saving my life Like I it was like

45:55

rehab for me. So there's part of you. That's like this

45:57

is a real line in these sand other I'm

46:01

gonna have a client back on track. So

46:03

it's like rehab. So if you relapse with

46:05

drugs and you go, fuck, I need more

46:07

rehab. I'll sell more drugs. You'll just run

46:10

someone over. And then. No,

46:13

I'm nonviolent. I'll sell more drugs for

46:15

sure. But you'd see, I

46:17

put this in the book. There was a guy walking the yard one

46:19

day and he looked so happy and he said to his mate, everyone

46:22

should go to jail. And I knew exactly what

46:24

he meant because you don't know

46:26

what you got until you lose it all. Get

46:28

that perspective. And that's what it

46:30

was like. I had a new found

46:32

appreciation for my friends that stuck

46:34

by me, my family, my health, just the things

46:36

that I still had, even though I lost a

46:38

lot, I was like, I still got a lot.

46:42

So yeah, that was a very weird path to be

46:44

in my head. If I can start again with what

46:46

I do and my only answer in my head was

46:48

you should do stand up. Wow.

46:51

So did you like stand up before? Or is it because you

46:53

walked out and you went, I've got some stories to tell? I

46:55

love stand up. I used to go to it all in Sydney

46:58

all the time. Did you ever see Capo?

47:00

Because Capo used to do stand up in Sydney. I don't

47:02

think I remember seeing Capo. Oh, damn it. Must

47:04

have went into any open mics. Must

47:07

have only went to reputable establishments.

47:09

Yeah, they were good dudes. But

47:13

yeah, I was a fan

47:16

of comedy. And I used to write down jokes on my

47:18

phone, like joke ideas. But I was too much a pussy

47:20

to, I never looked into where you would go to even

47:22

try it. But you said you went

47:24

to shows. Yeah. It

47:27

felt like good shows. But good shows,

47:30

not shows where you could put your name in a

47:32

bucket and have a go. Yeah, sure. Yeah. What about

47:34

for us? If we ever go to jail, if

47:36

one of us three ever go in, what should give

47:38

us three tips? If we all of a sudden we

47:41

wake up, we're in the back of the van, we're

47:43

chucked out, three rules to live

47:45

by in jail. I get into a disagreement with a

47:47

baby and I just bash the shit out. Try

47:51

not to mouth off at people. No mouthing

47:53

off? No mouthing off. You're done day one.

47:57

I've got two to go. I've got so much to do. I've

47:59

got two chances. Yeah, if someone

48:01

attacks you, fight back. It doesn't matter if

48:03

you lose. You have to fight back. Yeah,

48:05

yeah. Even if you lose, you'll get respect

48:07

just for fighting back. Sure, okay, yep. I

48:11

don't, yeah, don't

48:13

rack up gambling or drug debts. You

48:15

know, that seems to be like the

48:17

main things that get people in trouble.

48:19

Oh, really? Yeah, mouthing off, racking up

48:21

debts. Okay. Yeah,

48:25

it was my, my

48:27

dad like sent me a

48:29

letter when I'd been in there for like two

48:31

weeks. He'd googled like how to- That's beautiful, just

48:33

to start with. Your dad writing you a letter.

48:36

Yeah, he wrote me a letter. It's a great

48:38

place to end up to find you get your

48:40

dad to write you a letter. It's nice. Because

48:42

family visits were banned because of COVID, because of

48:44

COVID outbreak. And so he wrote me a letter

48:46

about, he googled how to

48:48

survive in prison. Oh, yes. Oh,

48:50

wow. Careful. And

48:52

well, the first one was like, take

48:55

some time to like get

48:57

to know your surroundings before you like make friends,

48:59

you know? Like don't make friends with people straight

49:02

away. Right. I'd be

49:04

like, sorry, dad, like everyone I made friends with, they're all

49:06

criminals. Yeah. Yeah. Sort of

49:08

unavoidable. Number two,

49:10

get it back tattoo of the

49:12

escape route. Yeah. Of the prison,

49:14

the map of the prison. So like your parents being like, yeah,

49:16

we saw Rovah on the TV the other night. You should ask

49:19

him if he can have a gig on his show. It's like

49:21

your parents emailing you in jail being like, yeah, we're watching the

49:23

green mile. What

49:25

do you think? Anything in that? Try to stick in

49:27

the good neighborhood of the jail. Yeah. Yeah.

49:29

Just people have only done one right. Have you

49:31

tried digging a tunnel to get out? Yeah. Have

49:34

you, I'll send you a Rita Hayworth

49:36

poster. Yeah. Are you in there

49:38

for 40 years? Have a rock camera, please. Yeah,

49:40

yeah. I'll send you a chocolate cake, wink, wink.

49:42

Yeah. Well,

49:45

yeah, they do have like pretty robust systems

49:47

now to check everything that people mail in

49:49

because a lot of people would mail in

49:52

drugs in like books and letters and

49:54

stuff like that. They'd place it with

49:56

drugs. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, right. Now they

49:58

like, they'll like. take the letter

50:00

out of the envelope, photocopy it, and

50:03

then they'll send you the photo copy

50:05

of the letter. I wonder if you

50:07

could put a file in a cake and

50:09

just think like, you know, this is so

50:11

like an old cartoon version of sneaking something

50:13

in. Maybe they're not even gonna bother checking.

50:16

How much trouble do you get in for putting

50:18

a file in a cake and sending it in? Can

50:21

you go to jail for doing that? That would be

50:23

good. Yeah, you'd be- Well, you

50:25

wouldn't even get a cake. You wouldn't be allowed.

50:27

Yeah, you wouldn't be allowed. Yeah, that works on

50:29

the presumption that every inmate is just like having

50:31

a fucking cake every day. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

50:33

Yeah, it would be cake that's shaped like a gun. They

50:36

just shape like a gun. You're like, oh, there's

50:38

no way that'd be a fucking gun. I used

50:40

to have an old podcast where I would talk

50:42

to people about their lives when they'd gone to

50:44

shit and how they recovered. And my first guest

50:46

ever was a guy named John Killick, who

50:48

he spent like most

50:50

of his life in prison. He was like an old

50:52

bank robber. And his girlfriend

50:55

hijacked a helicopter at gunpoint

50:59

and landed

51:01

in the yard at Silverwater Prison. And he

51:03

escapes. This is like around the time of

51:05

the 2000 Olympics. And

51:08

they- Good cover. Everyone

51:10

a bit distracted. Kathy Freeman's halfway down the

51:13

straight. Now's the time to give the job

51:15

up. Strawberry Kizzes have started up. And

51:18

it was the greatest prison escape in Australian history. They were on

51:20

the run for like 40 days. That's

51:22

amazing. But she hijacked it at gunpoint with a

51:24

gun that didn't work. Oh,

51:27

you should be allowed to get away if

51:29

you did that. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's fucking good.

51:31

And it was like the second time he'd had a

51:33

woman break him out of prison. Like he'd done it

51:35

before. He had two women break him out of prison.

51:38

And I was like, well, dude, what's your secret? Because

51:40

I- Yeah. Yeah. Oh

51:42

yeah. Were you getting letters from any honeys when you were in

51:44

there? I did. Actually, sorry.

51:46

That's very funny. He's had two different women break

51:49

him out of prison. Break him out of prison. You had one that put

51:51

you in. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

51:53

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah,

51:56

obviously- You're bad with women. You're better

51:58

John Kelly. Real bad. Yeah,

52:00

is that a thing? Do you just get the letters

52:02

poor? Because like you're saying you were like in the

52:05

news and stuff You were like quite a prominent arrest

52:07

I got one letter from a girl in

52:09

another prison whom I made her like told

52:11

to write me and Then

52:14

I replied I never heard back from her again But

52:17

when I was on bail a girl came to a

52:19

gig that I was at and asked me if when

52:22

I go back She could write me and I was

52:24

like, yeah, no worries. Yeah, and then when I got

52:26

sentenced and I wasn't going back I messaged her on

52:28

my hey, I'm not going back like we can just

52:30

like chattel hang out and she's like no No, like

52:32

I she she was only interested if I was locked

52:35

up I

52:38

got him at arm's length She

52:41

didn't want me if I was actually available right she

52:43

wanted me she just wanted to know what was like

52:45

to get pummeled in the arms every night visits

52:50

Sweet room I was like fuck that's

52:52

so strange. But oh well, yeah Hey,

52:54

what if they had what if if

52:57

they had the Olympics in prison wouldn't

52:59

want to get bronze That's

53:02

the first one you could do, you know, that's

53:04

a good joke. Yeah I

53:06

think you'd have your fucking sentence extended if you open

53:08

with Yeah,

53:12

it's gonna be interesting what I do a prison show

53:14

like I love it Oh, I love this idea of

53:16

what what prison like because sometimes you do a gig

53:19

and it's like oh we're out in the country They

53:21

like this sort of joke or you know, you do

53:23

a footy club and you go Oh Mac is the

53:25

big dickhead in here. It's like who's the who did

53:27

the most boys? Who's the big pedophile? Because

53:31

the youngest babies fuck you fuck So

53:39

you got the book out yeah, it's called what is

53:41

it the benefits of the profound benefits of a stint

53:43

in prison If it's Indian prison, you gotta you got

53:45

a quote from friend of the show Dave Hughes on

53:47

the front cover He was very kind. Yes, he

53:50

was happy to add a quote and he

53:52

actually read the book. Yeah, that was cool

53:54

You know, it says more mind-altering than magic

53:56

mushroom You

53:58

know who should have got you know, who's who Who gives

54:00

the best quotes for books, for comedy books? Yeah.

54:03

Nazane Hussein. Yeah. Get

54:05

him on it because you know what? I always ask him about, he's always

54:07

on the front cover of books or on the back cover of books. Ours

54:10

is the best book I've read and I hit him up every time and I

54:12

go, have you read this book? And he goes,

54:14

absolutely not. Yeah. He has given so

54:16

many quotes for books. Do you think anyone who's given a quote for

54:19

a book has read it? You

54:21

just said, Yuzi read it, didn't you? I hit up Cheni,

54:24

Matt O'Kine, Huzi

54:27

and Heath Franklin. Yeah. And

54:29

we all at least read a few chapters. Okay. All

54:32

right. Aaron Chen's a

54:34

very funny quote for a book about going to jail.

54:38

Did he give you one? Yeah. It's

54:41

on the back of the book. It says something like,

54:43

if reading this book was illegal, I'd be happy to

54:45

be locked up. Oh, great. That's pretty good. But again,

54:47

there's nothing in that that says that he's read any

54:49

of it. Yeah. That's just a little joke.

54:52

I could have said that. Yeah. What

54:54

would your quote be, Kappa? I'd be like,

54:57

I can't wait for the audio book to come out. Yeah.

55:00

Because yeah, I don't read the books. Yeah. That's

55:02

shifted a lot of units. Yeah. Mine

55:06

would be, I wish I was in prison with

55:08

this guy so I could fuck him in the up. Yeah.

55:11

I like that. Tommy Dax. I

55:14

like that. People are going to be like, who

55:16

even is this guy? Who's this guy that gave

55:18

this quote? I'd be on an A site going,

55:20

I'm gay too from Carl. Yeah. And

55:23

I've done an illustration of it. Is there room to

55:25

fit that on the cover as well? Can

55:28

you, I'm drawing a picture. Can that be the center phone

55:30

in the book? Get

55:33

one of those glossy pages printed up for me.

55:36

All right. Well, we better wrap it up there for

55:38

another look. Now that you've got out. Yes.

55:40

And now that you know what you've done wrong and

55:43

now that you're back dealing, what precautions do you take now?

55:46

Like how do you want a video TV that you told

55:48

me little Zela? That

55:52

was a little bit. Man, don't

55:54

fall in love. Or

55:56

if you do, don't tell him you're a drug dealer. I

55:58

mean, that's one of the lessons I think. and

56:02

just try not to get high on your own supply.

56:04

That was really a problem for me. There's

56:07

just having so much cocaine around the

56:09

house. Real Scarface vibes I'm getting. Really

56:12

indestructible feelings. Yeah,

56:15

it was just too much. It's like publicans, man. Whenever

56:18

we were, like, because my town was so

56:20

small. Whenever a new publican would

56:22

come. Because it was so boring. Like

56:25

during the day, there'd be not many customers coming in

56:27

because it was just so out in the middle of

56:29

fucking nowhere. Then you'd slowly, they'd

56:31

have one drink and two drinks. And the

56:34

only one that could run the pub efficiently

56:36

was the owner,

56:38

Pete, because he didn't drink. Which was crazy

56:40

in the 80s and 90s, a

56:42

man that didn't drink. It was a carpenter, but

56:44

he was the only one able to run it.

56:46

Which is fucking nuts. Having drugs everywhere and then

56:48

owning a restaurant with a bar tap, I was

56:51

just feeding myself beers, pizza, and cocaine. And I

56:53

was just like, I blew out real bad. Dude,

56:55

you were telling me this. And I was like,

56:58

oh man, it's so good you cleaned your life up. But at the

57:00

same time, I'm thinking, fuck, that's the

57:02

dream. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fucking hell. So

57:04

it wasn't for that horrible rest

57:06

of the 55-minute story on this podcast.

57:08

That does sound like a pretty cool answer.

57:10

Just coke, pizza, and fucking your own beer

57:13

tap. I mean, I'd read a book about

57:15

just that. Yeah,

57:17

Chenny'd be reading that book for sure. All

57:20

right, Andrew Kapper, thank you for joining us. You are

57:22

on a nationwide tour at the moment. I am, indeed.

57:24

What state have we got to go at this point?

57:27

Well, we're doing Shepparton tomorrow. This

57:30

won't come out for a week or so. All

57:32

right, I'll be on the Queensland leg. I'll

57:35

be doing Brisbane, Gold Coast, Sunshine

57:37

Coast, Byron, Toowoomba,

57:39

needs a lot of people. And then

57:42

I'm going to Darwin, Tassie,

57:45

Perth, Mandra, Bunbury, and Adelaide.

57:48

I was saying this before the show, but I love

57:51

this idea that you're getting big numbers in Melbourne and

57:53

Sydney because it's all like normal people going, imagine

57:55

going to jail. It's like, Darwin, good luck selling

57:58

tickets to those fucking cunts up there. Don't

58:00

be like going looking down on you, you fucking

58:02

sucker. You got caught. We're all on the lam

58:04

right now. Yeah, they've seen the

58:06

poster and been like, this is a little bit law

58:08

adjacent for us. This does feel like a thing. A

58:11

trap, yeah. That and what, man, Bunbury's

58:13

like the, was or is the meth capital

58:15

of Australia. Oh, right. All

58:18

right. Did you know that? No. Yeah, very

58:20

messy. I feel like every town, like

58:22

I always say, I'm from Maribara in Victoria. And I

58:24

always say, I was the meth capital of Victoria. And

58:26

then someone else would go, no, I'm from fucking Worsham.

58:29

That's the meth capital. Like a lot of people. Yeah,

58:31

it's quite so good. It's

58:33

Australia's best vanilla slice as well. Yes. That

58:36

and the meth capital. Yeah. And the town reckons

58:38

they're it. Absolutely. Yeah, there's what that bloke say

58:40

last night. And they're like, oh, Shepparton's the biggest

58:42

meth capital. And they're like, some bloke's like, we're

58:44

in Bendigo. And he goes, yeah, we were. Then

58:47

Shepparton came out and I think we got

58:49

it back. Yeah. It's neck

58:51

and neck. Yeah, it was neck and neck. Oh, yeah,

58:54

we got it. We got the tourist trap. We got

58:56

the big meth pipe at the front. And then now

58:58

we got it back. Who's

59:00

measuring those stacks? Yeah, exactly. Exactly.

59:02

Yeah, yeah. Oh, wow. The most

59:04

crocs are in this town. It's like, remember how

59:06

they used to have the tidiest town? Now they just

59:08

got the methiest town. Yeah. Kappa,

59:11

you got the phone hacks podcast.

59:13

People can check that out. Oh, yes.

59:16

I've got a big announcement soon. My special

59:18

is finally coming out. Nice. Yeah,

59:21

so it's coming out. So please subscribe to my YouTube. Have you

59:23

got a date? On my YouTube. Aren't you gonna have a date

59:25

for it? The end of August, I think. End of August. I

59:28

think. You never know what's

59:30

gonna happen with that guy. DM Milan. DM

59:32

Milan. Actually do DM him. We're weirdly Milan

59:34

is sort of partially behind this special. So

59:37

yeah, please do that. And also

59:39

I'm taping another special, like a

59:41

weird little one with Ben

59:43

Knight on the 15th of September and

59:45

Bodriggy brewing. It's gonna be fucked. It's

59:47

gonna be weird. We're gonna do a

59:50

crowd work kind of thing

59:52

afterwards. Cool. So yeah, let's

59:54

see how it goes. Nice. Yeah.

59:57

All right, thanks everyone for listening. And we'll see you next time.

59:59

See you next time. Yeah, and

1:00:02

they've done it again. Oh Bernardo,

1:00:05

yep Double

1:00:07

jeopardy done it again. What we've

1:00:09

done it again. Oh, that's double. We can't be

1:00:11

we can't be done for the same Comedy crime

1:00:14

twice. We can't be arrested for doing it. Yep,

1:00:16

cuz we did it again. We've well Yeah, we've

1:00:18

already done. We've been tried for doing it. Yeah,

1:00:20

we can't be arrested for doing it again Because

1:00:23

we've already done it. Okay, the judge will

1:00:25

throw the case out perfect Yeah in

1:00:28

the the case of comedy versus

1:00:30

not comedy. Yes. Yes Kramer

1:00:32

versus Kramer Kramer

1:00:35

Seinfeld versus Kramer laugh factory. Yeah.

1:00:37

Yeah, that's good. That's good Yeah

1:00:41

comedy Some come

1:00:43

from jail, huh? Yeah. Yeah got him

1:00:46

about it. That's it's it's such

1:00:48

a good selling What so yeah, no, he's a he's

1:00:50

a good comic and he's touring all around and everything

1:00:52

like that Yeah, go check out his show go get

1:00:54

his book and and it was good because

1:00:56

that was all questions that basically I saw most of his

1:00:58

show later and He wasn't

1:01:00

burning gear. Oh, really? Yeah, I was a

1:01:02

bit worried You know, it's like you you

1:01:05

have someone who's got this like great hook

1:01:07

that they've talked about very publicly And

1:01:09

you want them to come on the show and basically

1:01:12

you want to say to them just do the act

1:01:14

on our pod Thanks. Normally we have a no gear

1:01:16

rule, but yeah in your case. Can you just give

1:01:18

us all the best bits from the ball? Yeah, yeah,

1:01:20

all the best bits that happen when you're in jail

1:01:22

We want to know about it because because that's interesting.

1:01:24

Yeah, but no you'll be pleased enough if you go

1:01:26

there You will not

1:01:28

hear anything about any of the

1:01:30

guys he sucked off in jail. Okay,

1:01:32

right I didn't suck off the jail

1:01:34

in his routine or yeah. Okay interesting.

1:01:37

Yeah, so yeah, it's uh, that's that's

1:01:39

a good fresh intro into it Yeah,

1:01:41

yeah. Yeah. Yeah But

1:01:43

yeah good good to have him on the

1:01:45

first time just to hear if if any other

1:01:47

comics are Abusting get on this show if they

1:01:49

can do something fucked up and

1:01:51

go to the slammer get arrested. Yeah. Yep You

1:01:55

don't even have to go for that long. He

1:01:57

was only in there for four months. Well, also there's

1:01:59

so many comics sort of done really bad things in

1:02:01

comedy, all you have to do is get found out for it.

1:02:03

Like you don't even have to go out and commit anything, just

1:02:05

get done for it. I don't think he's even

1:02:07

done like the worst stuff of people in

1:02:10

comedy. Absolutely not. There's a lot of people

1:02:12

who are just skating by, escaping

1:02:15

the watchful gaze of Johnny Law.

1:02:17

Yes, absolutely. So

1:02:19

just be, just all you have to do is

1:02:21

confess and you can be on

1:02:23

this straight afterwards. That's part of the deal.

1:02:26

Ask someone if they're

1:02:28

wearing a wire and if they say

1:02:30

yes, just fucking unload. Yeah,

1:02:32

yeah, yeah. That

1:02:35

would be good if that's how we had it recorded

1:02:37

that episode. We were wearing wires. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey

1:02:40

Andrew, do you want to just hang out and

1:02:43

just chat? Talk into my flower lapel. Talk into

1:02:45

my chest. Yeah, that'd be good.

1:02:48

Fun times and the return of Nick Capra as well. Yep.

1:02:53

Another filthy criminal. A

1:02:55

bit of comedy. Yeah, that's it. Well,

1:02:58

if we don't have too much else to do, let's get

1:03:00

into names. What do you think, Tommy? Let's do it. Yeah.

1:03:03

We have a live show in Perth coming up November 23. Tickets

1:03:06

selling well there already after a week, so

1:03:08

get into that. That'll be fun. We're at

1:03:11

Oasis Comedy Club at our friend Brendan's Comedy

1:03:13

Club. Yes. The

1:03:17

official approved comedy club in Perth is a

1:03:19

little dumb-dumb club I would like to say.

1:03:22

That's true. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We've got a

1:03:24

couple of spots there like the last few

1:03:26

times we've been over. We haven't done a

1:03:28

live podcast here until now. We've

1:03:31

done a lot of Brendan's shows in the

1:03:33

past. He always takes good care

1:03:35

of us. Yeah, he's a bit of

1:03:37

a fucking rat. We loved him. We

1:03:39

talked about him after one of our

1:03:41

live episodes two years ago. Do we?

1:03:44

Yeah, remember that? No. Remember

1:03:46

when he plucked that guy's eyebrow? Oh, that's right.

1:03:48

Fucking weirdo. One

1:03:51

of our listeners' eyebrows and then we just

1:03:53

never saw that guy again probably. Yeah, the

1:03:55

guy got really mad because Brendan pulled a

1:03:57

very long eyebrow. That he was curated. Yeah,

1:04:00

yeah for the Guinness Book of Records, and he just

1:04:02

pulls it out I don't

1:04:04

even think it was for the Guinness Book of

1:04:06

Records What wasn't it something like he was off

1:04:09

reason he was a partner He was gonna they

1:04:11

were about to be in a long-distance relationship, and

1:04:13

he was gonna send her the that's right the

1:04:15

eyebrow Yeah, and it was and then they got

1:04:17

into a big argument about it, and it was

1:04:20

Brendan going man. It's disgusting Yeah, she doesn't want

1:04:22

your fucking eyebrow. I did you a favor And

1:04:25

we were sort of in the middle of it And I

1:04:28

think the guy was looking at us like we should do

1:04:30

something and yes I went I don't want to get involved.

1:04:32

Yes. This is a nightmare. Yeah, you both did it I

1:04:34

want to go back to the hotel and go to bed

1:04:39

Well, thanks everyone who subscribes on

1:04:41

patreon.com/ club Thanks

1:04:45

to everyone, but in particular these people this

1:04:47

week. Yes, thank you I've

1:04:50

been going like I did this last week. I'm going back

1:04:52

into the archives But not

1:04:54

the archives of people that have had their names read out

1:04:56

again, but people that have slipped through Okay,

1:04:58

some people in here that have slipped through they've been waiting for a

1:05:00

fucking long time and interesting that

1:05:02

they've they've They've been

1:05:04

subscribed for ages. Yep, and they've never thought

1:05:07

to sort of go. Oh you haven't read

1:05:09

my name on yeah So I don't

1:05:11

know whether that's a good thing or a bad thing or

1:05:13

because it's a good thing It's like oh you're nice and

1:05:15

patient what a nice listen that doesn't want to annoy us

1:05:17

or anything like that or they've just been Hearing

1:05:21

this and go I don't want to be a part of this Or

1:05:24

they just don't even fucking bother listening to talking

1:05:26

dumb dumb. I think it could be that I

1:05:28

mean I think that's the nicest outcome is I'm

1:05:30

happy to just put my money in know

1:05:33

that it's supporting the show I don't

1:05:35

need anything out of it. Maybe they don't even

1:05:37

listen to the bonus episodes that you get They're

1:05:39

true just like I like the bulk of the

1:05:41

main show Yeah, I get my hour

1:05:44

of that and I tune out of talking dumb dumb

1:05:47

I feel like that alone is worth my

1:05:49

financial Contribution one

1:05:51

of these great charity donors that I don't want my

1:05:53

name attached to this or anything like that Yeah, but

1:05:55

unfortunately they have attached to their name. So I'm

1:05:57

gonna read them out. Yep. Thank you very much to

1:06:00

Patreon subscriber first cab off the rank this

1:06:02

week Stuart Kocanos.

1:06:06

Stuart Kocanos. K-O-K-I-N-O-S.

1:06:10

K-O-K-I-N-O-S. Kocanos.

1:06:13

Kocanos. Yeah. Alright,

1:06:15

let's go. Channel, the school yard,

1:06:17

Tommy Dassalo. You're dealing with

1:06:20

someone called Kocanos. Yeah. What do we

1:06:22

got? Hmm. Kocanos.

1:06:25

Not like Kocanos. There we go. I feel

1:06:27

like I've... Stuart Kocanos. I

1:06:30

feel like this would, what it would be,

1:06:32

would be a teacher reading the roll out,

1:06:34

like a new teacher reading, taking the

1:06:36

roll and getting, pronouncing

1:06:38

the name wrong. And then that'd

1:06:40

be, it'd be like Kocanos. And

1:06:44

then that'd be, that'd be it. That happened

1:06:46

a lot with the kids at my school that

1:06:48

had like pretty like Greek sounding names. Yeah.

1:06:53

Kocanos. Oh, Stuart's got

1:06:55

to be Kocanos every day. Kocanos.

1:06:58

Kocanos. Yeah. Yeah.

1:07:01

Because it's good. It's funny. It is

1:07:03

funny. It's a funny thing to do. Yeah. Yeah.

1:07:07

It's a funny thing to observe. It's a funny thing to be named after. It's...

1:07:10

This is like the ultimate Greek name. Oh, you're right. Wow.

1:07:13

It doesn't get more Greek than this. They say that

1:07:15

the Greeks invented anal sex. Exactly. Yeah.

1:07:18

I think it was invented by the Kocanos. It was

1:07:20

this guy. It was named after them. It was this

1:07:22

specific man. I've said once or twice before on the

1:07:24

show that names come from the ancestors of what they

1:07:26

used to do. Yep. This

1:07:28

is the guy. This is the family. Yep. The

1:07:32

Kocanos family. And I've always said, you

1:07:34

know, anyone claiming to... For

1:07:37

the Greeks to invent... To claim to invent

1:07:39

anal sex, I mean, someone's going to figure

1:07:41

it out at some point anyway. Yep. Speaking of,

1:07:43

knock on the door. Knock on the front door

1:07:45

though. Knock on the back door. Oh.

1:07:48

Tommy Dass has already had a delivery today. I reckon this

1:07:50

is his second delivery. He's always getting

1:07:52

something delivered here. There's always

1:07:55

some sort of fucking Mickey

1:07:57

Mouse figurine or fucking

1:07:59

something. Some

1:08:01

children's toy being delivered here. What

1:08:03

are we gonna get today? I wonder. What's

1:08:06

taken a while? He's gonna have to sign his name

1:08:08

after. Deciding which name to sign with

1:08:10

the delivery man, I bet. I think that's

1:08:12

what the hold up is. Oh, here he comes. What'd we

1:08:14

get? You

1:08:16

didn't open it? You didn't bring it in to open it? No, I think

1:08:19

it's for my partner. Oh, okay. The

1:08:21

Australia Post having to sign

1:08:24

the little thing,

1:08:26

do you ever get that? Yes. We

1:08:28

were just talking about it on here. You can just

1:08:31

put whatever. Yes, I know. And they don't care. Yeah,

1:08:33

yeah, yeah. Why are we doing this? Why are we

1:08:35

bothering? Well, I get that my wife

1:08:37

will have something delivered and then it's like signature

1:08:39

here. Okay, well here's my

1:08:41

signature, that's not her signature. Yes,

1:08:44

yes, exactly. I don't know.

1:08:46

Like, does it ever get contested?

1:08:50

Like, can I go, hey, this didn't show up.

1:08:52

And they go, we've actually got on record here

1:08:55

that you signed with your finger. Yeah. You

1:08:58

really wrote your name. Yeah. The screen didn't

1:09:00

register half of the strokes. We've got

1:09:02

just like a big L here. It

1:09:05

would be interesting to know how that holds up. I

1:09:08

think next time I'm gonna impersonate my

1:09:10

wife's signature. Yeah. And just write,

1:09:13

I am. Yep. Don't

1:09:15

say her name. Fake. Yeah.

1:09:17

Like. I am a woman. it's

1:09:20

in there just because it feels official. But

1:09:22

really, it's not doing anything.

1:09:25

Yeah. Get rid of it. You

1:09:29

know what? I wanna see a best case scenario. I wanna see it

1:09:31

in action. I'm not saying get rid of it. I

1:09:33

just wanted to see how it actually works.

1:09:35

Yeah. I'm fine with the

1:09:38

alternative. Because the alternative, of course, is someone just giving you

1:09:40

a parcel and going the end. And if you don't get

1:09:42

it, you go, well, what happened there? I don't know. There's

1:09:45

no paper trail. Well, but what's weird about

1:09:47

it is if they knock on the door

1:09:49

and you're here, you have to do the

1:09:52

like sign thing. But then so

1:09:54

much of the time, they

1:09:56

knock on the door and you're not here. And they just leave it

1:09:58

on the front porch. Oh yeah. So if they're fine

1:10:01

to leave it, they don't need you to

1:10:03

sign it anyway. I don't get that anymore, but we

1:10:05

get it as delivered to the post office. Oh yeah,

1:10:07

well that's good. I guess, but such

1:10:09

a pain in the ass to go up there. I can't

1:10:11

be fucked. Yeah. Because it's always like, I

1:10:14

can't be fucked going and then it's always, my

1:10:17

wife is like you, there's fucking something coming

1:10:19

every day. So I'm having to go up

1:10:21

there all the fucking time to get some piece of shit that she

1:10:23

doesn't need. And your post office is a bit of a walk, isn't

1:10:25

it? Well it's like, it's

1:10:28

uninspiring to go up there. I've said before, it's

1:10:30

the worst block of fucking shops in Melbourne. Oh

1:10:32

yeah, yeah, yeah. It's next to the fucking pool

1:10:35

cleaner shop. It's next

1:10:37

to the fucking, what

1:10:40

do you call it, make a wish. What are they

1:10:42

called? That you're hanging your car? Like

1:10:46

the hippie fucking thing that you hang from your dash? Dreamcatcher.

1:10:50

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I fucking Dreamcatcher shop next

1:10:52

door. Yep, yep. It's the worst fucking bunch

1:10:54

of shops. Actually,

1:10:58

how's this? You're schlepping down there to

1:11:00

get Sex and the City DVDs. Yeah,

1:11:02

exactly. Exactly. I'm

1:11:05

going there to pick up a scarf. Like,

1:11:07

fucking hell. How's

1:11:09

this? This is what happened last night. I

1:11:11

was at Comedy at Spleen and I'm

1:11:13

on stage talking to the crowd, just

1:11:16

spinning magic out of thin air. A

1:11:18

real Matt Rife. Yes. And

1:11:23

this pair of guys started talking and I was like,

1:11:25

hang on, I'm talking to someone else. What are you

1:11:27

guys talking about? And then the guys just like, oh,

1:11:30

just, we've just got a picture of

1:11:32

you. And I'm like, what? Because

1:11:35

yeah, I've just, we were just talking because we've got like, just looking

1:11:37

on the phone, we've got a picture of you. And

1:11:39

I go, what the fuck are you talking about? And

1:11:42

then he holds it up and I'm like, that is

1:11:44

me. So then I hold up to the

1:11:46

crowd and it's like, it's not like a publicity picture

1:11:48

of me. It's a picture of me

1:11:50

waiting at the tramp stop. That

1:11:53

these guys had taken. Yes. That like,

1:11:55

that night. No, like another day or

1:11:58

something. Why? I'm like, why do you have a picture? of

1:12:00

me at the tramp stop. Oh, we've

1:12:02

been to this show, but you know, we've been to Spleen Heaps

1:12:04

at times. And then we just saw you at a tramp stop,

1:12:06

so we took a picture of you. Okay.

1:12:09

All right. That's cool. And

1:12:12

then, and so that's worth talking about, like when you're

1:12:14

on stage, like, hey, it's that guy from the photo.

1:12:16

Yeah. That we took the photo because he's

1:12:19

from here. I guess so. Fucking hell. So

1:12:21

it's pretty funny. So then I hold it up and, you know,

1:12:23

Spleen's small enough that everyone can sort of get the picture. Yep.

1:12:26

And I just sort of go, look at this, this is a

1:12:28

picture of me at the tramp stop that these guys have fucking

1:12:30

got on their phone. And then, you know,

1:12:33

everyone's like, what the fuck is going on? And then

1:12:35

we're trying to work it out backwards. What happened? Then

1:12:37

the guy just goes, yeah, we've got more pictures. Oh

1:12:40

my God. Okay, bring them out. Yeah. And

1:12:42

so then he spends like three or four minutes and I'm having

1:12:44

to fucking keep the ball near on stage where, and again, I

1:12:46

don't even think these people are done on listeners. Yep.

1:12:49

So then we go through it and then he,

1:12:52

I'm talking shit, whatever he goes, I found it.

1:12:55

Okay. Okay. Great. So I get another, I get the

1:12:57

phone off him again. It's just a picture of me

1:12:59

eating a pizza. At

1:13:02

the tramp stop? No, like up the road

1:13:04

from the tramp stop. As this is why

1:13:06

I thought of it. It's all in this

1:13:08

area. There's this pizza shop that's okay that

1:13:10

fucking every, every probably six to 12 months,

1:13:12

I'll go fuck it. All right. I'm getting

1:13:14

a piece of pizza from there. Yep.

1:13:17

So I'm sitting there eating my yearly piece

1:13:19

of pizza from fucking this. This guy's your

1:13:21

baby reindeer, but just like way less dangerous

1:13:24

than the woman in that show. Like this

1:13:26

is the extent of it. Your stalker, all

1:13:28

he's doing is just taking photos of you eating

1:13:30

a pizza. Doesn't want to fuck you. Doesn't want

1:13:32

to be in a relationship with you. Doesn't want

1:13:35

to be your friend. Does the

1:13:37

obsession ends with just coming to a show that

1:13:39

you put on once a week and

1:13:41

taking a photo whenever he sees you in the street.

1:13:44

But I like, I was like, it's very funny cause he,

1:13:46

he's, I'm like, you took these pictures of your, no, no,

1:13:48

my friend did. And he sent

1:13:50

them to me. Yeah. Yeah. He's like, you know, he was

1:13:52

really into it. He's taken all these photos of you. I'm

1:13:55

like, well, he's not that much into me that he at

1:13:57

this fucking show right now. Yeah. Great throwing of the friend

1:13:59

under the. bus. Really convenient friend that's not

1:14:01

there. Yeah. So then it's at this point

1:14:03

I've got his phone. So I'm like, I'm

1:14:05

going through the rest of your phone. Nice.

1:14:07

Like if this is what you've got phone

1:14:09

hacks, I'm gonna, yeah, I'm gonna find something

1:14:11

even better. I'm like looking for, I'm like,

1:14:13

right, facebook.com. I'm gay. I'm trying to find

1:14:15

another picture of me or some nudes or

1:14:17

whatever. I'm like, I'm, and I'm saying to

1:14:19

the crowd, like, this is going to be

1:14:21

good. I'm going to find something even better.

1:14:24

And then I find one I go, here

1:14:26

we go. Click. Hey, look at this everyone.

1:14:28

And it's just a picture of his mate

1:14:30

next to a swastika. Fucking

1:14:33

hell. And that's the reaction I get from

1:14:35

the crowd. This is funny. I have technically

1:14:37

found something even worse. Look at this. Everyone

1:14:40

ever goes, Oh no. Yeah. Oh, well

1:14:42

thanks. You've been great. Everyone had part of

1:14:45

history. Good night. Everyone think about what

1:14:47

if you had been scrolling through and you just found a

1:14:49

photo of you like in the shower through

1:14:51

a, be amazing. You know, I

1:14:54

don't know how they wouldn't be windows. Oh

1:14:56

yeah. Absolutely. I would be, there's

1:14:59

no windows in my fucking bathroom. How the fuck would

1:15:01

they have got that? You'd

1:15:03

be like on stage. This is great. This is very

1:15:05

funny. Yeah. But in the back of your mind, you'd

1:15:07

be like, there's a lot to deal with when I

1:15:09

get off stage. As I would say, I would have

1:15:12

said, thanks everyone. You've been great and walk off with

1:15:14

the phone and go straight down to the cop shop

1:15:16

with it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well,

1:15:19

thanks, Stuart. Cock in us. Thanks.

1:15:21

Thanks. Thanks to

1:15:23

the Edison of anal sex. Yeah.

1:15:25

The coconuts, the coconuts family. That

1:15:28

was worth waiting for. Thank you very much

1:15:30

to patient subscriber Julian Callinan.

1:15:33

Okay. Now is this

1:15:36

more of a, this is either, this is what

1:15:38

I think this is either a sort

1:15:41

of name that works in, in the

1:15:43

law or a

1:15:45

serial killer. I reckon. Yeah. Interesting.

1:15:48

Some sort of, some sort of murderer. It has like

1:15:50

a real, what you say kind of vibe to it.

1:15:52

Yeah. Either end of the law, someone

1:15:54

responsible for doing bad stuff or responsible for

1:15:56

locking up that person. Yeah. This person could.

1:16:00

defend the person that's fucking taking pictures

1:16:02

of me. Is this going to be

1:16:04

one of those things, you know this has happened before where

1:16:06

we've gone like, ah this name, this sounds like this person

1:16:08

and then it like, you know, we

1:16:10

just get all these messages that just actually, that

1:16:12

actually is a real guy that's like prominent

1:16:14

in the media or whatever. Like you say, yeah.

1:16:16

So is this going to be a thing where it's like, oh

1:16:18

guess what boys? This is the guy either

1:16:21

representing me or the guy, no, the

1:16:23

guy representing the guy that's

1:16:25

taking pictures of me or it's the

1:16:27

guy that's taking pictures of me. Yeah, or both. Yeah,

1:16:30

yeah. Yep. A

1:16:33

screenplay where you just like come up with one great name and

1:16:35

then you're like, you know what everyone in

1:16:37

the film is just going to have this name. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

1:16:39

It's too good of a name. I'm not going to think

1:16:42

of any as good as this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everyone

1:16:44

could just have the same name. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah,

1:16:46

yeah, yeah. Being Julian Callanan. Yeah, that's a

1:16:48

good idea. Yeah, that's a good idea. Yeah,

1:16:51

I know. Yeah, so I don't know. It's

1:16:53

one of them. I think, I

1:16:55

think it does scream QC at the end. Instead

1:17:00

of like Stuart Coconos, which

1:17:02

is Stuart Coconos, IA,

1:17:04

inventor of anal. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

1:17:06

Yeah. Yeah. Is

1:17:09

QC, which is Queen's Council. I think that's what it is. I

1:17:11

guess, yeah. Yeah, I don't really know. That's

1:17:13

what it is. Yeah. That's

1:17:15

him. Yeah. We've

1:17:17

now got a guy who can represent us for

1:17:19

any... Well, no. Wait,

1:17:22

what is a QC? I don't know. What does

1:17:24

he actually do? I don't know. He's not representing us. He

1:17:26

is, no. Well, unless

1:17:29

we're the Queen. Yeah.

1:17:32

If he's a QC, that means he's the Council of the Queen. Are

1:17:34

we the Queen? I don't think...

1:17:36

Well, yeah. I remember the Queen dying and

1:17:38

we're alive, so that's not... That means

1:17:40

we're... Where were you? Where were

1:17:42

you when the Queen talked it? Fucking her to

1:17:44

death. Yeah, right. Yeah, that's why

1:17:46

I need Jillian Callan in QC. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

1:17:48

No wonder you... I really need his help. No

1:17:50

wonder you remember. Especially because I've confessed it on a

1:17:52

podcast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tommy edit that bit out. Give me

1:17:55

a place, for God's sake. I was in Singapore. Oh,

1:17:57

really? I was... Very

1:18:00

convenient. I got back

1:18:02

from, what do you mean? That's

1:18:05

your alibi. Why are you

1:18:07

making it sound like I have a fake alibi when

1:18:09

you just said, you fucked her to death? Well

1:18:12

I've pivoted, that's what I'm saying. I didn't

1:18:14

say that, that's been edited out of the

1:18:16

podcast. I'm trying to help

1:18:18

out Julian with his work at this point. Yeah,

1:18:21

I was out in Singapore and the

1:18:23

news was like, oh something's happening here.

1:18:25

And I went home and I was

1:18:27

in the hotel room with the news

1:18:30

channel on. And I just, I

1:18:32

really wanted to like, I really

1:18:34

wanted to be awake to see the moment live,

1:18:36

like where they call it. And they're, you know,

1:18:38

it was like just plates spinning for hours where

1:18:40

they're like out the front of the palace. You

1:18:42

know, they just keep crossing to people who were

1:18:44

like, yeah, no new information here. And

1:18:47

it was clearly going to happen any moment. And I

1:18:49

was like, this would be kind of cool to see

1:18:51

like the exact moment that they

1:18:53

like, you know, get the word through the earpiece

1:18:55

of like breaking news. And

1:18:58

I just eventually fell asleep. And then when I checked

1:19:00

the time, the next day I was like, fuck, I

1:19:02

missed it by probably like 10 minutes. But it was

1:19:04

like, you know, it was like 2 30 or something

1:19:07

in the morning. I was like, I got to tap

1:19:09

out. I'm out here. Yeah. But

1:19:12

it was fun just watching the coverage of like people

1:19:15

with just not nothing to add. Yeah.

1:19:18

No new information. They can't cut. They've got

1:19:20

to keep on. They've got to just keep the whole

1:19:22

operation on the air. Yeah. Just

1:19:24

filling time. It was great. It was like

1:19:26

it was like this. It was like talking.

1:19:28

They should have started like reading

1:19:31

some names out of people from Britain to start.

1:19:33

Yeah. Yeah. People

1:19:35

that have paid tax over the years, people that have given her money. That

1:19:38

would be great if we could get that as a job

1:19:40

of like, we are there to just fill

1:19:42

time when there's any kind of like live cross where

1:19:44

something's going to happen. Anything's going to happen any minute.

1:19:47

But they don't know when there's nothing new

1:19:49

to say. Get these guys in to just

1:19:51

riff on some names and eat up a

1:19:53

few hours of screen. You know, that's perfect

1:19:55

for when they have elections. Yeah. So

1:19:58

when they keep doing the count, we can just start.

1:20:00

reading out names of people who have voted. Oh yeah,

1:20:02

that's great. So they get

1:20:04

the form, they mark down who they

1:20:06

voted for, and then it gets

1:20:08

passed on to us. They have to

1:20:11

tick a box. And we have to check the name and

1:20:13

be like, not funny enough. Yeah, they have to tick a

1:20:15

box saying, are you giving

1:20:17

permission to have your name read out and riffed

1:20:19

on? On the election. At about

1:20:21

7.30 at night. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, when

1:20:23

people are struggling. That actually is not bad.

1:20:25

Yeah, yeah, that's good. Yeah,

1:20:27

they're always doing this political analysis. Let's

1:20:30

just give a shout out to the

1:20:32

people who made this election happen. Exactly.

1:20:34

The voters. If your name is funny

1:20:37

enough, your vote should count for two

1:20:39

votes. Well, I

1:20:41

don't think we said that. If you're a Stuart cocking

1:20:43

ass, there should be

1:20:45

a ranking system for like, that counts for five

1:20:47

votes. Well, that's also. Stuart's got like extra power

1:20:49

when he goes to the polling place. He gets

1:20:52

extra power because of what his family invented, I

1:20:54

think. Oh, right. I think not only just the

1:20:56

name, it's the, you know. We've

1:20:59

both endured, enjoyed, I

1:21:02

shouldn't say enjoy. I mean, we're

1:21:04

on the other end of it. We've both enjoyed the

1:21:07

fruit of this guy's family invention.

1:21:11

I had a lot of fun. I had a lot of fun.

1:21:13

Yeah. I miss it. Yeah. This

1:21:16

guy's like the, what's the guy and the

1:21:18

founder? The

1:21:20

Macca's guy. He just found

1:21:23

this little small operation. He was like, man,

1:21:25

they really got something here. Yeah. Yeah. He

1:21:27

went around town to town to make sure

1:21:29

they were doing it properly. Yeah, exactly. Involving

1:21:32

anything else in there. Went all over Athens,

1:21:34

just like setting them up. Yeah. Had

1:21:37

a clown, had an anal clown as

1:21:40

the face of it. Had

1:21:43

a big bum with lipstick on it. Yep. Good

1:21:45

stuff. Good stuff.

1:21:47

Thanks, Julian Callan. Thanks. Thanks,

1:21:50

Julian Callan in QC. Thanks

1:21:52

very much to Patreon subscriber, Adam

1:21:56

Fassener. F-A-S-S-I-N-E.

1:24:00

So we got new information last night

1:24:02

where the kids coming

1:24:04

in and she got

1:24:06

in trouble. So blankets

1:24:09

had to become a bit of a dobber. Because

1:24:12

I started giving info to her, go, this is what

1:24:15

you say. And then my wife's like, do not fucking

1:24:17

do this. Don't do any of that

1:24:19

stuff. You got your fingerprints all over this one. Just

1:24:22

dob, just dob on the kid. So

1:24:24

then the kids acting real no good

1:24:26

and then the kid is getting

1:24:28

dobbed on and then has to go and sit in the

1:24:31

corner or whatever it is. But then she's

1:24:33

still doing it anyway or whatever. So this is the new

1:24:35

intel I got last night. We get last night. So

1:24:37

blankets are like saying, oh

1:24:40

yeah, she's coming up and now she doesn't want to

1:24:42

get caught. She's coming up and going, oh, I've got a secret to

1:24:44

tell you. And then whispering

1:24:46

in blankets here, your

1:24:49

shit. Yeah, right. And

1:24:51

then so blankets are coming back to us and going, this is what's

1:24:53

happening. This must be really hard for you

1:24:55

to hear because I bet there's part of you that's like, that's

1:24:58

actually pretty good. I know. I know.

1:25:00

I know. I'm going right. What

1:25:02

I want to do is go, here's what you say

1:25:04

back. And then I'm getting told I'm not allowed to

1:25:07

do that. So instead, and

1:25:09

I'm saying to, don't say now, I'm saying, it's

1:25:12

one thing to dob, but we've also got a teacher

1:25:14

to stick up for herself and all that sort of

1:25:16

stuff. So I'm

1:25:19

just saying, well, there's just lots of talk to

1:25:21

blanket to say, just listen, this person doesn't know

1:25:23

what they're talking about. And I'm like saying, this

1:25:25

kid's a dickhead. Don't worry about her. And then

1:25:27

blankets, you don't want to say that. I go,

1:25:30

okay, fair enough. Right. So

1:25:32

we're trying to figure out how to

1:25:34

handle it and whatever. But then

1:25:36

I rock up to school today to do drop off,

1:25:39

school drop off, and I meet

1:25:41

the kid. So the kid rocks in,

1:25:43

right? And I'm taught like,

1:25:46

so blankets friends with X1 said these other

1:25:48

kids that sit in the air or whatever. And,

1:25:50

you know, I've had, you know, they've had play dates

1:25:52

before, so I know them. They're pretty good, good kids.

1:25:54

So I get to come in and I'm, I'm, I'm,

1:25:56

I try and be the funny dad when I go

1:25:59

in there. the

1:36:00

movie and I'm supposed to have I would

1:36:02

have had so much money on Ben still

1:36:04

being the lead being Matthew Broderick yeah nup

1:36:07

it's Matthew Broderick fuck

1:36:10

and spoiler for the end of the cable

1:36:12

guy it's like a big it's it's sort

1:36:14

of like built up as basically the OJ

1:36:16

trial where they're gonna find out

1:36:18

like what the verdict is on these kids

1:36:20

who clearly killed their parents yeah and Jim

1:36:23

Carrey's character like climbs

1:36:26

up to the top of this like broadcast tower

1:36:28

and kills himself by jumping off

1:36:30

it and he like lands on the fucking transmitter

1:36:32

like as they're delivering the verdict so the final

1:36:34

shot is like the entire country

1:36:36

watching this verdict come through and it's like

1:36:39

we find the defendant right

1:36:42

good ending okay good film big

1:36:46

disappointment at the time yeah

1:36:49

it's a it's a it's

1:36:51

like a real one that people are always like

1:36:53

reappraising yeah I think people just didn't want to

1:36:56

see Jim Carrey being like kind of evil yeah

1:36:58

kind of like you know intense it was it

1:37:00

was they made it just after he did those

1:37:03

big at the peak of his powers yeah

1:37:05

but um it's a great film it's a

1:37:07

great like yeah fucked up kind

1:37:10

of thriller and he's great in it what

1:37:13

happened to the Hernandez brothers yeah I don't know

1:37:18

brothers there we go let's go as I did

1:37:21

they're not dead they are did

1:37:26

they get married in jail whoa

1:37:29

not to each other tying it all back no

1:37:34

no six yep they got

1:37:36

married both got married in jail hell yeah are they

1:37:38

still in jail you would

1:37:40

like to think so hmm they

1:37:43

went to jail in

1:37:46

1996 for the murder of

1:37:48

their parents Jose and Mary

1:37:50

Louise Kitty Menendez Menendez ah

1:37:54

right okay no damn there we go

1:37:56

for all the people screaming at their

1:37:58

podcast yeah sorry everyone not her name

1:38:00

Hernandez, this is Menendez. Well you

1:38:02

did the cable guy come out. They must

1:38:04

have been pretty on that. Yeah,

1:38:07

you're right. To be lampooning it so

1:38:09

soon after the fact. You're

1:38:12

right. Cable guy's 98? The same year.

1:38:14

Same year. Damn. Yeah,

1:38:17

same year. Hernandez,

1:38:20

Hernandez. Obviously the trial might

1:38:22

have been slightly earlier, but yeah,

1:38:24

they still in jail. One

1:38:29

of the brothers, one of the

1:38:31

Hernandez brothers. Menendez. Menendez.

1:38:34

Jesus Christ. Menendez brothers.

1:38:38

Was ranked 44th in America as

1:38:40

a junior tennis player. Huh, wow.

1:38:43

They were both in the junior

1:38:45

national tennis championships. Wow.

1:38:50

Lyle attended Princeton University, was placed on

1:38:52

academic probation for Paul Graves and was

1:38:55

eventually suspended for plagiarism. The

1:38:57

good old days when that was the worst thing they'd

1:38:59

ever done. Yeah. Wow,

1:39:02

Jesus Christ. All

1:39:04

right, spoilers for what these guys actually did. On

1:39:07

the evening of August, I've never looked into this

1:39:09

case. Yeah. This is now a true crime

1:39:11

podcast everyone. The

1:39:14

better case that's already been solved. Yes. Covered

1:39:17

extensively. Yes. But

1:39:19

that's what a podcast is. It's always like. That's

1:39:21

true. There's so many podcasts now where it's like,

1:39:23

we're going to, our subject today is chocolate. And

1:39:26

then you go, oh cool. Yeah. Hey,

1:39:28

this is really yummy. And everyone goes, that was a

1:39:30

good episode. Yeah. What the fuck are you

1:39:32

talking about? Yeah. On the evening of August, 2019, Jose

1:39:35

and Kitty were standing in the den of their

1:39:37

Beverly Hills mansion when Lyle and Eric entered

1:39:40

the den carrying shotguns. Jose

1:39:42

was shot six times and kind of fatal

1:39:44

shot in the back of the head with

1:39:47

a 12-gauge shotgun. Kitty was shot 10 times

1:39:49

in total before the fatal shot to her

1:39:51

cheek. She was on the ground slowly crawling

1:39:53

and crying. My God. Lyle rented his car

1:39:56

to reload before firing

1:39:58

the fatal shot. Jesus. Jesus

1:40:00

Christ. Oh

1:40:02

fuck, how's this? When the, immediately

1:40:06

after the killings, both brothers remained in the house expecting

1:40:08

the police to respond due to the noise of the

1:40:11

gunshots. When the police arrived,

1:40:13

the brothers told them the killings had occurred

1:40:15

when they were at the movie theater watching

1:40:18

Batman. We

1:40:20

were watching the cable guy. It's just coming out. Oh,

1:40:28

okay. So they must have

1:40:30

like, they

1:40:33

didn't get arrested for a while. So they were looking for

1:40:35

the killer, for the real killers, Ojo style.

1:40:37

Right. And in that time they

1:40:40

just went crazy. Instead of, they

1:40:42

bought a Porsche, a Rolex, a

1:40:45

restaurant. They got a full-time tennis

1:40:47

coach and they went into, they did a heap

1:40:50

of tournaments in Israel.

1:40:52

Wow. And

1:40:54

then they just left the mansion unoccupied and went

1:40:56

and got adjoining

1:40:58

condos. What was their reason

1:41:00

for, they were like child

1:41:02

stars, right? Was it something where the parents were

1:41:05

like withholding their money from them or something like

1:41:07

that? Oh wow, this is great. At one point, they

1:41:11

attended a New York Knicks basketball game

1:41:13

where they became immortalized when they appeared

1:41:15

courtside in the background of a Mark

1:41:18

Jackson trading card. Wow. That's

1:41:20

great. That's pretty cool. You're

1:41:23

looking for why they, why they did it. Yeah.

1:41:25

What was their reasoning? The motive. To

1:41:29

be that insane to do that and then be able

1:41:31

to like carry on a life where you're just like

1:41:33

going to basketball games and stuff is wild.

1:41:37

Oh, Eric eventually confessed to his

1:41:40

psychologist. Well,

1:41:43

that's pretty rough with a psychologist. It's supposed

1:41:45

to be. Doctor Patient, confidential. Exactly. Come

1:41:48

on. Come on. Fucking hell. That's

1:41:51

the real stuff. That's the real crime

1:41:53

here. Yeah. The

1:41:56

brothers decided they killed their parents out of fear for the

1:42:00

their lives after a lifetime of abuse at the hand

1:42:02

of their parents, especially sexual abuse at

1:42:04

the hands of the father. Meanwhile,

1:42:06

their mother was described as an enabling,

1:42:08

selfish, mentally unstable, alcoholic and drug addict.

1:42:12

Um,

1:42:16

is this funny or not funny? Maybe

1:42:18

not. All right. Um, we're

1:42:20

really getting into the weights here. I know. I'm

1:42:23

just trying to scan through to get to the bit where anyone

1:42:25

says this didn't happen

1:42:27

and these guys were just fucking

1:42:29

psycho. Yeah. It's hard to fucking

1:42:31

get through. Yep. Um, you're

1:42:34

looking for something funny about like anal sex

1:42:36

or there is funny stuff in here, but

1:42:38

yeah, whether it's funny. Um,

1:42:40

uh, yeah.

1:42:44

Well anyway, just watch the cable guy. That's

1:42:46

the funny version of this, this

1:42:49

atrocity. Yes. Um, they

1:42:54

are. Yeah. There's, there's appeals.

1:42:56

They're not out. How old are they now? They

1:42:59

are. That's a good

1:43:01

question. Are they twins or brothers? They're twins, right?

1:43:05

Um, brothers. Okay. Yeah. But

1:43:08

they, uh, yeah,

1:43:10

no one, they're two years difference. Okay.

1:43:12

They are 53 and 56. Damn.

1:43:16

Yep. Uh, that

1:43:18

really would be like, yeah, at

1:43:20

this point at that age, just sitting in the

1:43:22

slam of being like, Oh

1:43:25

man, I really shouldn't have done that.

1:43:29

That was a real

1:43:31

mistake. There's a lot, there's probably that

1:43:33

thought going through a lot of people's heads

1:43:35

in prison. I would, I would imagine

1:43:37

there's also a lot that are just like, nah,

1:43:40

it had to be done. Yeah. Yeah.

1:43:42

That's fair. Um, all

1:43:46

right. Here's some good stuff. Uh,

1:43:48

July two, 1996, Lyle married Anna

1:43:50

Erickson at a ceremony attended by

1:43:53

Abraham Anderson and

1:43:55

he's aren't officiated by until they divorced

1:43:57

on April 1st, 2001. five

1:44:00

years later. After Erickson

1:44:03

discovered that Lyle was

1:44:05

allegedly cheating on her with another woman. How

1:44:08

the fuck do you do that? In jail? Yeah.

1:44:12

Jesus Christ. Well, no, I

1:44:14

mean, if you were those guys where it was

1:44:16

like such a famous case, as

1:44:18

we talked about with Andrew on the episode,

1:44:21

you'd be getting a lot

1:44:23

of mail from freaky women. Yes,

1:44:25

but also- Being like, I want to root

1:44:27

you. It's pretty hard to sneak around in

1:44:29

jail. Yeah, but your

1:44:31

partner's not there all the time. You

1:44:33

know when they're around, they've got to come visit

1:44:35

you. Do you get to smuggle a woman in in a cake?

1:44:38

Yeah, but I reckon it's probably

1:44:41

the easiest place to do it because it's like,

1:44:43

you know when your wife is coming to visit you. Meanwhile,

1:44:46

you're just writing to this other burden being like,

1:44:48

yeah, come on up on Tuesday. Conjugal

1:44:50

visit. Can you get a conjugal visit

1:44:53

though when you're a murderer? I

1:44:55

don't think you can. You

1:44:57

did somehow. Well, maybe

1:44:59

you didn't. Like it doesn't say- They

1:45:01

consummated. Yeah. There's

1:45:03

no pictures of it going in. Maybe it was emotional

1:45:07

cheating. Yeah. In November 2003, Lyle married

1:45:09

Rebecca Sneed at a ceremony in a

1:45:12

visiting area of Mule Creek State Prison.

1:45:14

They had known each other for 10

1:45:16

years. Mule Creek

1:45:18

is such a fucking American

1:45:21

backwater name. Mule

1:45:23

Creek. On

1:45:26

June 12, 1999, Eric married

1:45:29

Tammy Ruth Sackerman at Folsom State Prison.

1:45:31

Oh, that's where Johnny Cash recorded his

1:45:33

album. In a prison waiting room. Tammy

1:45:36

later said, our wedding cake was a Twinkie

1:45:39

we improvised. It was a wonderful ceremony

1:45:41

until I had to leave. That was

1:45:43

a very lonely night. Yeah. Well,

1:45:45

I think other people had lonely nights. Yeah, I

1:45:48

think maybe this is something you should factor in

1:45:50

when you marry a convict. This

1:45:52

is just how it's going to be. You know, you

1:45:54

know who else is lonely? Your fucking husband's

1:45:56

parents seeing you on the fucking ground. Being

1:45:59

a bridezilla. when you're getting married in the

1:46:01

prison waiting room, just cracking the shits about

1:46:03

the quality of the Twinkie that you've got

1:46:05

for your cake. In an October 2005 interview

1:46:07

with ABC News, she described her

1:46:10

relationship with Eric as something that I've

1:46:12

dreamed about for a long time. Wow.

1:46:15

You need to fucking lay off the cheese before

1:46:17

bed. Yeah, get help. Well,

1:46:20

thanks Hernandez. Thank you. Yeah,

1:46:23

thanks. Thanks. Thanks,

1:46:25

Guy with not the same name. Thanks,

1:46:27

Pat. Yeah, Hernandez and not...

1:46:29

Thanks, Guy that has

1:46:32

a name that I remembered as

1:46:34

being the same name as the

1:46:36

killers. Yes.

1:46:39

Anyway, I hope you're not in jail for killing

1:46:41

your parents. I hope it didn't inspire you. I

1:46:43

hope you got away with it. Yes.

1:46:48

Let's just do one more. Okay. Thank

1:46:50

you very much to Patrons. Oh, it's

1:46:52

the second Mexican sounding

1:46:55

subscriber we've ever had, I think. Okay. Thanks

1:46:57

very much to Patrons subscriber, Comedy Gonzalez.

1:47:00

Comedy Gonzalez. Yeah. Right.

1:47:04

Yeah. Is this like the

1:47:06

little cartoon mouse? Exactly. Except

1:47:08

instead of being fast... He's funny. He's

1:47:11

really funny. That

1:47:14

putty tat's always trying to catch him. Yeah. Because

1:47:17

he's too funny. Yeah, and the putty cat, he goes

1:47:19

to eat him and then he just tells a really

1:47:21

good joke. Yeah, it does crowd work with him. Yeah,

1:47:23

and the cat just starts laughing and can't eat. He

1:47:25

can't eat something when you're laughing. That drops the mouse.

1:47:27

Yeah. He gets away. Yeah.

1:47:30

Yeah. Nice. Anyway,

1:47:33

that's who subscribes to this show. Yeah, great. Well,

1:47:35

thanks everyone. littledumdumclub.com, if you would like to throw

1:47:37

some shekels in. Very much appreciated by us. You

1:47:39

get two bonus mini episodes every week. Get

1:47:42

your tickets to Perth if you're over there.

1:47:44

November the 23rd at Oasis Comedy Club. Thank

1:47:47

you for listening and we will see you next

1:47:49

time. See you next time. See you next time.