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terms and conditions apply. Welcome

2:00

to today's episode of the Mindset Mentor podcast.

2:02

I'm your host Rob Dile. If you have

2:04

not yet done so hit that subscribe button

2:07

so you never miss another podcast episode. We

2:09

put out episodes four times a week to

2:11

help you learn, grow and improve yourself. So

2:13

if you're one of the people who's looking

2:15

to improve yourself to improve your life, subscribe

2:17

so you never miss an episode. Today,

2:20

I'm to be talking about why you fall

2:22

in love with the wrong people. And

2:24

today we're going to talk about why

2:26

you don't necessarily just fall in love with

2:28

people. What you do is you fall

2:30

in love with patterns of people who remind

2:33

you of your unhealed trauma with your

2:35

parents. And I know it

2:37

sounds kind of crazy, but we're going to dive

2:39

into it today. And until it's healed,

2:41

it will most likely keep you stuck

2:43

in those patterns. And what's really odd

2:45

about the whole thing is that our

2:47

significant others the longer that

2:49

you're with somebody, the more romantic this

2:51

relationship becomes. You're with them for two

2:53

years, three years, five years, 10 years. They

2:55

often become proxies for our parents and

2:57

the things that we need to heal in

2:59

our relationship with our parents. So

3:02

for instance, if you've ever noticed that you

3:04

date someone and you're like, you know, they're

3:06

not really good for you or you

3:08

know, it's not really a good fit, but

3:10

for some reason, like you can't really

3:12

break it off. Maybe you've been there

3:14

before. Maybe you've noticed friends be there

3:16

before. And you might ask yourself,

3:18

like, why do I keep falling for this

3:21

type of person? Why do I keep falling

3:23

for this type of personality when I know

3:25

eventually how it's going to end? In reality,

3:27

the real question that you should

3:29

be asking yourself is why do I

3:31

keep choosing people who trigger the same wounds

3:33

that I got from my childhood? And so

3:35

we're going to dive into it. It's really interesting.

3:37

And I think that you're going to learn

3:39

a lot about yourself and a lot about other

3:41

people who you're like, why can she not

3:43

just divorce him? Why can she

3:46

not break up with him? Why can

3:48

he not? divorce her. The interesting

3:50

part about this whole thing is the

3:52

psychological truth that we don't just

3:54

fall in love with people. We fall

3:56

in love with patterns, especially the

3:58

ones that mirror the emotional landscape of

4:00

our childhood. And so it's

4:02

not usually a conscious

4:04

choice. It's usually a subconscious

4:06

urge. And in

4:08

psychology, this is called repetition

4:11

compulsion. It's the unconscious

4:13

drive to recreate unresolved

4:15

emotional wounds in new relationships

4:17

in hopes of, and this

4:19

once again is not conscious,

4:21

in hopes of actually healing

4:24

them. So your partner isn't

4:26

just your partner, they're a stand

4:28

-in for the parent who didn't

4:30

or maybe couldn't or didn't know how

4:32

to love you the way that you actually

4:34

needed. In this time,

4:36

you're kind of trying for a

4:38

different ending. And so

4:41

according to Dr. Harville Hendricks, He's

4:43

the creator of imago

4:45

relationship therapy. We are

4:47

subconsciously drawn to partners

4:49

who reflect both positive

4:52

and negative traits of our primary

4:54

caregivers when we were children. And

4:56

he calls this our imago.

4:58

And it's an unconscious

5:00

image that we hold of love

5:02

based off of early childhood

5:04

experiences. So I want you

5:07

to think about this and really

5:09

understand, not only do our parents teach

5:11

us how to walk and talk

5:13

and speak and how to act in

5:15

the world. Our parents also consciously

5:17

and unconsciously teach us what love is

5:19

and what intimacy is. So

5:21

wouldn't it be normal and natural

5:23

for us to then be

5:25

attracted to the people who reflect

5:27

what love and intimacy was shown

5:29

to us as a child? I'll

5:32

give you an example. Once

5:34

I learned all of this, all of

5:36

this started clicking in place and made so

5:38

much sense. I once dated this girl

5:40

years ago, and we dated for quite a

5:42

few years. Her

5:44

ex -boyfriend before me, he

5:47

was this very loving, very

5:49

affectionate, very high highs,

5:51

very low lows, and

5:53

very loving, very affectionate, but

5:55

then also screaming and throwing

5:58

and crazy fights. And

6:00

so it was like really high highs,

6:02

really low lows. And what was

6:04

interesting is that when I found out, as we

6:06

had been together for years, how her father

6:08

was, and met her father and got to know

6:10

him, is he was the exact

6:12

same way. He was much calmer as

6:14

an adult and as he was older, but

6:16

she said when he was a child,

6:18

he would just blow up and freak out

6:20

sometimes. Then when we started

6:22

dating, because her father was

6:24

very unpredictable, her ex -boyfriend is

6:26

very unpredictable, her relationship blueprint

6:29

that she thought was that love

6:31

from a male had to

6:33

be crazy chaos and turmoil and

6:35

kind of like walking on eggshells.

6:37

And I'm just not really like

6:39

that. I'm, compared to them, I'm

6:41

just really boring. Like I never

6:44

really have been crazy ups, crazy downs.

6:46

I've been very chill. I've never

6:48

really understood since childhood. I remember like thinking

6:50

about fighting and being like, I don't understand

6:52

the point of fighting. Like why can't two

6:54

people just talk to each other? and

6:56

come to some sort of resolve. And

6:58

I remember she said something to

7:00

me at one point in time, like, I

7:03

didn't love her because I didn't want to fight.

7:05

And I remember I was like, that doesn't make

7:08

any sense to me. And in my head,

7:10

it made no sense. But in her head,

7:12

it was like, love is supposed to be

7:14

crazy highs and crazy lows. And over time,

7:16

she started noticing that what she was wanting

7:18

from me was to be like her father

7:20

and also her ex -boyfriend, and to blow

7:22

up because that's what she learned love was

7:24

when, you know, her love blueprint was when

7:27

she was a child. And that's

7:29

what most people do. We just don't fall

7:31

in love with a person. We fall

7:33

in love with the patterns that remind us

7:35

of the ones who taught us what

7:37

love is. Makes sense? And

7:40

so the thing about it is

7:42

you have to also understand is that

7:44

your nervous system loves what is familiar.

7:46

Like even if it's chaos, your nervous

7:48

system loves what is familiar. And

7:50

the truth is your brain isn't really

7:52

necessarily wired to seek what's healthy.

7:54

It's wired to seek what is

7:57

familiar. So if you grew up

7:59

with emotional inconsistency or

8:01

having to earn your

8:03

parents' love or conditional

8:06

love or criticism and

8:08

neglect or hyper

8:10

responsibility for other

8:12

people's feelings, then love might

8:14

feel like chasing and

8:17

pleasing and fixing and proving

8:19

yourself and earning your

8:21

worth. So that

8:23

quote -unquote chemistry that you

8:25

feel is oftentimes your nervous

8:27

system recognizing a pattern

8:29

in somebody else that it recognizes

8:31

from your childhood, not necessarily

8:33

your soul recognizing a soulmate.

8:36

So it's pretty wild. And when you look

8:38

at neuroscience, you know, Dr.

8:41

Steven Porgy's, and he actually

8:43

created this thing called the

8:45

the polyvagal theory, and the nervous

8:47

system, what he says, is

8:49

constantly scanning for cues in your

8:52

area of safety and of

8:54

threat. But when early

8:56

attachment was unsafe or

8:58

chaotic or unpredictable, we

9:01

develop basically faulty templates

9:03

for safety. So we

9:05

literally confuse like intensity

9:08

with intimacy. And

9:11

parents teach us what intimacy is and

9:13

they teach us what love is. Once

9:15

again, whether they realize it or not, because

9:17

we want as children more than anything else

9:20

to just be attached. We care about the

9:22

parental attachment more than anything else. And

9:24

so we learn about intimacy and love,

9:26

not necessarily just about what they say,

9:28

but also what we see and how they

9:30

act. You know, if you've ever heard your friends

9:32

say something like, like, I just

9:34

can't leave them, even though I know they're not good

9:36

for me. It's it's not

9:39

weakness within that person. What it is is

9:41

it's a trauma bond It's it's their

9:43

trauma from their childhood and then bonding with

9:45

that thing and a trauma bond is basically

9:47

just a powerful emotional

9:49

attachment and it's formed through

9:51

cycles of abuse and now

9:54

when I say abuse it doesn't

9:56

mean like physical or verbal

9:58

or emotional abuse that is You

10:00

know something that somebody tries to do to

10:02

another person it can be those for sure,

10:04

but it could also just be neglect it could

10:06

be you know, emotional

10:08

volatility. It could be any of those

10:10

things that are just rooted in childhood. And

10:13

so these highs and these lows flood

10:15

your system with cortisol and dopamine. And

10:17

it creates like this for some people,

10:20

an addictive roller coaster. And so

10:22

it's not really love at that point. It's more

10:24

of survival. And Dr.

10:26

Patrick Carnes, who's

10:28

a trauma and addiction expert,

10:31

defines trauma bonding as this.

10:33

It's the misuse of fear

10:35

and excitement. and sexual feelings

10:37

to entangle another person. And

10:39

so the translation between this is to

10:41

give you what that means is

10:44

we bond with the very dynamics

10:46

that once harmed us

10:48

because our system never

10:50

learned what stable, consistent

10:52

love actually feels like. And

10:54

so I hope this is

10:56

making sense to you because it's really, really profound

10:59

and really deep. And we'll talk about how to

11:01

heal through this, but I just want you to

11:03

really start to notice yourself and other people in

11:05

your own personal patterns as we

11:07

start to dive into this. And

11:09

so, you know, like, let's make

11:11

it real. Let's say that picture this, you're

11:14

on a date, right? And things

11:16

feel electric. They feel great. You're

11:18

like, this person's amazing. You're

11:20

hanging on to every word. And you start

11:22

to realize like an hour, two

11:25

hours in the day, like, man, I

11:27

really like this person. And

11:29

maybe you go out and you get drinks after

11:31

and you start to notice yourself. Liking

11:33

them so much that you're almost kind

11:35

of changing yourself. Maybe you're tiptoeing

11:38

around What

11:40

you think you should or shouldn't say you're

11:42

questioning yourself too much. Maybe you're

11:44

shrinking in some sort of way Maybe

11:46

you feel like you're trying to

11:48

prove yourself or like earn your learn

11:50

love from this person And these are all

11:52

things that are just like you had at home

11:55

in the person across on the other side

11:57

of the table They're unknowingly in

11:59

your mind cast as the

12:01

parent that you can never

12:03

quite reach. Like the one

12:05

who's loved you wanted, but you had

12:07

to earn in some sort of way.

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now, back to the show. And so one way

15:13

of identifying this, the question I love is, When

15:15

you were a child, whose love did you crave

15:17

the most as a child? And some people

15:19

will be like, oh, my God, well, my mother was so

15:21

loving and she was so amazing. So

15:23

maybe hers. And I was like, well, you know,

15:25

let's talk about your father. What did you did

15:27

you ever crave your father's love? Well,

15:29

actually, I did crave my father's love. Well, who

15:31

did you have to be in order to get his

15:33

love? Well, I had to be the good kid or I

15:35

had to, you know, get good grades or had to do

15:37

this or this. And so

15:40

that's usually like the one I'm talking about

15:42

at that point. like the one that the

15:44

parent that you had to change yourself for.

15:46

Now, once you understand like this isn't

15:49

your fault, it's your inner child basically

15:51

trying to resolve unfinished

15:53

business with people who

15:55

are just in grown up bodies,

15:57

you know. And so

15:59

Dr. Susan Anderson calls

16:01

this the abandonment blueprint. And

16:03

it is a subconscious

16:05

script that we develop in childhood

16:07

and it gets reactivated

16:10

in adult love. And

16:12

until healed, it drives us

16:14

to seek out similar

16:16

pain, just to prove that

16:18

we can survive it in some

16:20

sort of way, and to go towards

16:22

what feels familiar. In

16:25

my mind, and the way that I like

16:27

to think about it, is I personally believe,

16:29

yes, everything that I just said in all

16:31

of the research and the science, but I

16:33

also believe it's kind of the way the universe

16:35

comes to us over and

16:37

over and over again and says, hey, hey,

16:40

hey, listen. That thing isn't

16:42

in you, isn't healed. So

16:44

I'm going to keep you stuck

16:46

in this pattern until you heal it and until

16:48

you break it. And that's why can feel like I

16:50

keep it. I'm stuck in this pattern. I can't get out of it. I

16:52

can't get out of it. It's like the universe is like, hey, dude, I'm

16:55

trying to bring you the situation so that

16:57

you can heal through this versus like,

16:59

oh, I need to break up with this

17:01

person and you can do another relationship.

17:03

And it's the exact same person. And so

17:05

how do you break the pattern? Well,

17:07

here is really where the healing starts.

17:09

It's not by shaming yourself and shaming your

17:11

choices and oh my god, I can't

17:13

believe that I did that. It's about

17:15

bringing awareness to the

17:18

pattern and to consciously start

17:20

to choose differently. And

17:22

when I say consciously start to choose

17:24

differently, I mean with loving compassion

17:26

for yourself, not by being an asshole

17:28

to yourself because you're unconsciously going

17:30

into these patterns that you just became

17:32

aware of 12 minutes ago. Right

17:35

and so the first thing that I want

17:37

you to do and I'll take you

17:39

through a step -by -step process is to notice

17:41

what feels familiar and so start ask

17:43

your questions to yourself like

17:45

If you're in a relationship with somebody

17:47

or you have like if I'm talking

17:49

about something they've started to stir up

17:51

things and memories of past relationships Just ask

17:54

yourself in journal through it. Who

17:56

does this person remind me of emotionally?

17:58

You know, what what role do

18:01

I fall into around them?

18:03

Am I? The

18:05

fixer the pleaser the the chaser

18:07

the avoider Do I feel

18:09

like I have to prove my

18:11

worth or do I feel

18:13

like I'm being seen as who

18:15

I truly am in my

18:18

true self and awareness is always

18:20

Pretty much the first step

18:22

in the first act of power

18:24

every time that I bring

18:26

some step -by -step process up Okay,

18:28

the second thing is to

18:31

learn to reparent yourself. So you're

18:33

not just healing from your

18:35

ex You're healing from unmet childhood

18:37

needs. And so

18:39

reparenting yourself is about giving

18:41

yourself the validation that you

18:43

craved as a child or

18:45

adolescent or teenager. It's

18:47

about the boundaries that you never

18:50

learned. It's about safety for your nervous

18:52

system and the safety that it's

18:54

still searching for at, you know, 27,

18:56

42 years old. And it's something

18:58

that happened to you when you were

19:00

three years old. So

19:02

that's number two. Number three is

19:05

to redefine what love feels like

19:07

and the key word there is

19:09

feels. This is a really

19:11

interesting phrase that I wrote down and

19:13

I think that it's gonna hit home

19:15

with a lot of people and it

19:17

might make, it might pique some interest,

19:19

right? Healthy love for a lot of

19:21

people is often boring at first. Think

19:23

about that for a second. Healthy

19:25

love and attachment to another person is

19:28

often boring at first and that's

19:30

because the drama and the

19:32

inconsistency that you've trained

19:34

your body to crave,

19:36

that adrenaline, the

19:39

cortisol, it's not

19:41

there. And so you're like,

19:43

this is kind of boring. Like I thought relationships

19:45

were supposed to be nuts and crazy and fun.

19:47

And you know what I'm talking about, right? You've

19:50

either done this yourself or you've had

19:52

a friend that's done this is somebody

19:54

says like, oh my God, he's just

19:56

such an amazing guy. There's literally nothing

19:58

wrong with him. He's sweet, he treats

20:00

me right, but he's just kind of

20:02

boring. It's like, oh, there

20:05

it is. That's what we're talking about. Or like

20:07

a guy dates a girl and he's like, oh my

20:09

God, she's great. She does everything

20:11

for me. She treats me so well,

20:13

but honestly, she's just too much. She's

20:15

too caring. She does, you know, XYZ

20:17

for me and it's just too much, right?

20:20

That's what I mean by that. Sometimes

20:22

it's because they don't match

20:24

your love blueprint from childhood. that

20:26

you had to learn or

20:28

that you did learn from your

20:30

parents that love should be

20:32

fighting. Love should be chaotic. Love

20:34

is something that you need

20:36

to earn, whatever it might be,

20:38

right? And so you

20:41

want to try these reframes

20:43

like peace isn't boring. You

20:45

know, really what it is is it's your nervous

20:47

system that's healing. Kindness

20:49

isn't weakness. It's

20:51

a secure attachment to another

20:53

person. Slowness isn't

20:55

a red flag. It's some

20:57

form of regulation. And

20:59

so that's number three is to make

21:01

sure it's do that. And number four

21:04

is to choose partners who co -heal

21:06

with you. And so I want you

21:08

to understand this. No one in this

21:10

world will ever be perfect. So when

21:12

you get into a relationship with somebody,

21:14

you're also getting into a relationship with

21:16

somebody who is exactly the same that

21:18

I'm talking about. They are seeking out

21:20

their parents in some sort of way

21:22

in this relationship. And so you don't

21:24

have to be fully healed. to love

21:26

or to be loved. But what I

21:28

would recommend, especially for people that are

21:31

single out there, is you need someone

21:33

who is self -aware enough to own their

21:35

own stuff, to hold space for you,

21:37

your stuff, for you to be able

21:39

to hold space for theirs, and for

21:41

you to be able to heal together

21:43

and build emotional safety together, which is,

21:45

in my personal opinion, what the deepest

21:47

form of love is, is creating a

21:49

place that has so much emotional safety,

21:51

that the two of you can heal

21:53

your unhealed trauma together. And

21:55

so you have to understand you're not

21:57

broken in any sort of way. You're just

21:59

patterned. And so if you've ever wondered

22:01

why you date the same person in different

22:04

bodies, it's because you're actually seeking out

22:06

what is familiar. So if you've

22:08

felt like you might be addicted to the

22:10

pain or passion or whatever it is, you're

22:12

not crazy. You're not weak. You're

22:14

not any of those things. You're just falling for

22:16

some sort of pattern. And now that you

22:18

are aware of this, you can start to choose

22:20

something new. And so,

22:22

you know, love isn't about

22:24

recreating your childhood. It's

22:26

about repairing your childhood

22:28

through a amazing, beautiful

22:30

adult relationship. And you,

22:33

now as an adult,

22:35

fully aware, conscious, courageous, whole,

22:38

can be the person who just decides, you know what, I'm

22:40

going to break this cycle. And I'm going to figure out

22:42

what type of person I want to date and what type

22:44

of person is going to be best for me and not

22:46

just fall into old patterns. And so an assignment that

22:48

I'm to give you, that I think will

22:50

really help you out is to journal this question and just

22:52

see what comes out for you, right? What

22:55

did love feel like growing up? And

22:58

just love with my mom, love with

23:00

my dad, journal it out, put

23:02

all of the truth down. And then ask yourself

23:04

the question, what do I want it to

23:06

feel like now? And then from there, you

23:08

can start to notice your patterns and what aspects of

23:10

it you need to change. So that's what I

23:12

got for you for today's episode. If you love this

23:14

episode, Please share it on your Instagram

23:16

stories. There's a lot of people that need to hear

23:18

this message. And the only way this podcast goes is

23:21

from you guys sharing it. So if you would share

23:23

it, I would greatly, greatly appreciate it. And with that,

23:25

I'm gonna leave you the same way. I leave you

23:27

every single episode. Make a transmission, make somebody else's day

23:29

better. I appreciate you and I hope that you have

23:31

an amazing day.