0:00

Hey folks, it's Quinn. Since we recorded

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this conversation, we've renamed the podcast.

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It used to be called Important

0:06

Not Important, which is what you'll

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hear in the episode and is

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still the name of the company. But now

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the podcast is called The Most Important

0:16

Question. That is, what can I do? It's

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the question we get the most

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from all of you, and it

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turns out it's the question I've

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really been asking guests for almost

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200 episodes now. So here we

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are. the most important question. Please

0:32

enjoy this old conversation. Thanks

0:34

for listening and thanks for

0:36

giving a shit. Hey, it's

0:39

Quinn. If you're a parent,

0:41

now or you were, at

0:43

some point someone told you,

0:45

oh the days are long,

0:47

but the years are short,

0:49

or something along to the

0:51

science. Fun story. In 2025,

0:53

everything is long. Everything is

0:55

long. a day, an hour,

0:57

a year, they all feel

1:00

like a century. A lot

1:02

has happened today, and this

1:04

year. It's only 845 or

1:06

February. A lot also happened

1:08

yesterday and last year. A

1:10

lot happened the year before

1:12

that, and a lot happened

1:14

the year before that, and

1:16

they're both flying by and

1:19

feel like they take forever.

1:21

I don't really remember my

1:23

own personal before times,

1:25

before... kids, but I do

1:28

know two things about parenting.

1:30

I'm certain of. One, despite

1:32

spending all of our

1:34

money in emotions on IVF to

1:36

make our kids, and then a

1:38

week in the hospital with our

1:41

first kid, I was shocked to

1:43

discover they just let you go

1:46

home with a baby. Wow. Two, the

1:48

world has changed in profound

1:50

ways since that week in

1:52

2012, and the rate of

1:54

change. is only accelerate, a

1:56

lot of which we cover here. Everything

1:58

is a lot. It is a lot for

2:01

an adult human with zero attachments,

2:03

but it is a whole hell

2:05

of a lot for parents, who

2:07

are usually, but not always, adults.

2:09

And so who have to

2:11

both interact with the real

2:13

world every day, another devastating

2:16

discovery they don't tell you

2:18

about, and somehow continue to

2:20

parent, and usually young children,

2:22

who understand nothing. Maybe you're

2:24

a parent with a wonderful

2:26

support system, like me. shout

2:28

out to my mom and

2:30

grandma Mary. Maybe you have

2:32

none, or maybe you're somewhere

2:34

in the middle with some

2:36

chosen family you can call

2:39

when you really need to. Again,

2:41

or not. Either way, I'm

2:43

confident that at least once

2:45

in the past month, you,

2:47

who are probably a wonderful,

2:49

caring, attentive parent,

2:51

have walked into another room,

2:54

a bedroom, bathroom, a closet,

2:56

and screamed. Into a

2:59

pillow, into a fistful of

3:01

harvest snaps, silently, whatever. You

3:03

screamed. And I know this because I

3:05

have, and will continue to do so

3:07

as well. What's fucked up though, is

3:10

hours later, you were probably also like

3:12

me, scrolling through old, photos of

3:14

your kids, and wondering, and worrying

3:17

whether they're starting to detach and

3:19

turn away. Do they not need

3:21

you anymore? Did they already hate

3:24

you? I mean, look at this

3:26

picture from preschool. Fock, they were

3:28

so cute. Was it easier? Then,

3:30

I had to have been harder,

3:32

right? Why am I so god damn

3:34

tired every single day now?

3:37

Is this all my gummy kicking in?

3:39

Is that noise a child out of

3:41

bed? Again, the point is, as we

3:43

all know, I'm an expert in nothing,

3:46

but I can tell you this with

3:48

confidence. You are not alone. It

3:51

is a lot, all the time. And still,

3:53

you have to fucking parent.

3:56

Sometimes you even try to

3:58

be a good parent. Which

4:00

is something, of course, that people

4:02

slash the internet love to tell

4:04

you you're doing wrong all of

4:07

the time. And by the way,

4:09

fuck those people. Sometimes it's your

4:11

partner, or as is typical, your

4:13

own parent telling you how you're

4:15

doing it wrong. And sometimes, honestly,

4:17

they've got a point, but also

4:19

sometimes you're just fucking exhausted and

4:21

you keep getting alerts about democracy

4:24

and you're just trying to get

4:26

to bedtime. I get it. Any

4:28

parent knows that besides affordable shelter,

4:30

affordable shelter. Child care, health care,

4:32

and education, the most important piece

4:34

of the keep sane puzzle is

4:36

access to other parents who share

4:38

your values, but also just fucking

4:41

get it. Other parents, you don't

4:43

have to explain yourself to. Because

4:45

they're in it, too. And they

4:47

also have a designated place to

4:49

scream. Because it's a lot. Amid

4:51

every day, but also climate change

4:53

and a coup. and bird flu

4:56

and shit. Again, just trying to

4:58

get your kids to wash your

5:00

hands because you got an email

5:02

from school about neurovirus and please

5:04

don't bring that shit home literally.

5:06

So an announcement. We vowed to

5:08

reach many more people in 2025

5:10

for a boatload of reasons. We

5:13

don't want to just help people

5:15

who give a shit, answer the

5:17

question what can I do, the

5:19

people who are ready. But we

5:21

also want to go way further

5:23

up. the stream pipeline funnel, whatever,

5:25

and meet way way way more

5:27

people where they are in their

5:30

lives, and then bring them down

5:32

the funnel and radicalize them along

5:34

the way. Because in their heart

5:36

of hearts, most parents do actually

5:38

give a shit about other people's

5:40

kids too. They just need their

5:42

own kids to stop asking so

5:44

many god damn questions so they

5:47

can remember what it was exactly

5:49

they wanted to try to do

5:51

to help next week when things

5:53

calmed down a little. I began

5:55

reading Claire Zoki's blog, Evil Witches,

5:57

in 2020. 2023, it's not specifically

5:59

written for me, but it always

6:02

felt like Claire and her coven

6:04

of engaged witches had a microphone

6:06

or a camera inside my house.

6:08

Like they were simply documenting my

6:10

parenting. But instead of judging it,

6:12

they were going, yeah, we get

6:14

it. Claire's work is smart and

6:16

funny as shit and compelling and

6:19

her principles and values are a

6:21

siren and a North Star to

6:23

any parent of any kind of

6:25

any kind who Just baseline gives

6:27

a shit about their parenting and

6:29

gives a shit about their kids,

6:31

but it's a lot, isn't it?

6:33

Isn't the least we can do

6:36

connect with people because another snow

6:38

day in this economy? I wish

6:40

I could say it was the

6:42

explicitly clear language against anti-vaxers that

6:44

first made me want to work

6:46

with Claire or her collections of

6:48

commentary from other witches about how

6:51

to talk to your kids when

6:53

a parent is sick in the

6:55

age of long COVID. But honestly,

6:57

those were just the icing on

6:59

the cake, frankly. It was this

7:01

hard to find and hard to

7:03

build, but in their case, inherent

7:05

trust and camaraderie and community around

7:08

parenting that really drew me in.

7:10

It was the other parents of

7:12

every flavor who just get it.

7:14

Claire is unafraid to share her

7:16

story, and voila, it makes other

7:18

parents, unafraid to share their stories,

7:20

to listen to one another, and

7:22

again instead of judging, go, holy

7:25

fuck, right? So we connected. We

7:27

connected. And we started talking about

7:29

where our worlds and our work

7:31

overlaps, and we thought, fuck it,

7:33

let's record those conversations. Let's see

7:35

if there's a huge audience who

7:37

gets it, who needs to hear

7:40

other parents spill their shit as

7:42

we all wrestle with incredibly uncertain

7:44

times, and kids who are, conveniently,

7:46

because it's fucking Tuesday, trying out

7:48

profanity in really the worst possible

7:50

classroom to do so. As we

7:52

recorded our first conversations, we struggled

7:54

to figure out to figure out.

7:57

what to call this thing. And

7:59

then one day I texted Claire

8:01

from where I was hiding in

8:03

the... bathroom and I said, you

8:05

know what I've said to my

8:07

kids 349 times today, including six

8:09

seconds ago? Not right now. Despite

8:11

trying to be as present as

8:14

possible, I feel like I say

8:16

not right now, over and over

8:18

again. And yet, honestly, probably don't

8:20

even notice myself saying it to

8:22

them half the time. But also,

8:24

not right now is what we

8:26

feel when again some Apple News

8:29

notification shows up. about immigrants getting

8:31

deported as you're doing the laundry

8:33

because your kid doesn't have exactly

8:35

the right pants. It's when the

8:37

school calls during your hourly shift

8:39

or a work zoom. It's when

8:41

your kids need another package snack

8:43

immediately after the dinner they didn't

8:46

finish even though they asked for

8:48

it or the dog is sick

8:50

or all of it at once.

8:52

It's all both predictable but also

8:54

only ever when you need it

8:56

the least. Not right now. I

8:58

hope you enjoy our new show

9:00

together. It is super, super informal,

9:03

and fun and full of stories

9:05

and profanity and it's personal, and

9:07

I hope something you or a

9:09

parent in your life can identify

9:11

with and maybe get some relief

9:13

from. It's intentionally and decidedly not

9:15

an advice show. It is a

9:17

once a week terror social commiseration

9:20

session about trying to raise kids

9:22

and continue to be a human

9:24

and maybe even a partner. maybe

9:26

even contribute to the world a

9:28

little bit amid all of this.

9:30

So it's more than anything a

9:32

you're not alone show. You may

9:35

feel often like you're the only

9:37

one that could possibly feel the

9:39

way you feel every day and

9:41

every night. And it's true. We've

9:43

all got wildly different circumstances and

9:45

support system, if any. Claire and

9:47

I are both lucky, to have

9:49

some support and supportive partners. But

9:52

we also... without hitting it over

9:54

the head, make very clear where

9:56

we stand on America's continued willful

9:58

neglect and punishment of families. of

10:00

moms, of kids, millions of parents,

10:02

have it much worse than we do. We

10:05

are furious about that. But

10:07

again, we also know that so

10:09

much of parenting is universal and

10:11

that parents of every stripe

10:13

relating and giving a shit

10:16

about each other, not just in words

10:18

or in the comments, but in

10:20

their actions, can go a very

10:22

long way to not only better

10:24

understanding one another, but rebuilding

10:27

trust in our communities,

10:29

holding companies that make

10:31

stuff for kids and parents to

10:33

a higher standard and electing people

10:35

who understand how hard it can be

10:38

to make and pay for and raise a

10:40

family. And so yeah, obviously if

10:42

some small percentage of listeners make

10:44

their way to becoming

10:46

full-fledged shit-ivers or even paid important

10:49

members hell-bent on building

10:51

a drastically better world every

10:53

day amid all the other shit they got going

10:55

on, we will take it. The first episode

10:58

of Not Right Now is out. right now,

11:00

anywhere you listen to podcasts, new

11:02

episodes every Thursday, I really hope you

11:04

love it. And again, if you do,

11:06

or even if you don't listen but

11:08

know someone who would appreciate it, please

11:10

share it. We will have more ways

11:12

for you to directly support the show

11:14

and our original show in the very

11:16

near future, which is coming back very

11:18

soon, and even some ways to interact

11:21

with both of them. As always,

11:23

most importantly, please join me in

11:25

a huge thanks to Willow for

11:27

editing and producing this. chaos in

11:29

addition to our O.G. show, heading out

11:31

to episode 200, to my friend Tim

11:34

Blaine for the always jaunty music,

11:36

also a parent, to fellow

11:38

witch and parent Kristen Cox

11:40

for our incredible artwork, such

11:42

a throwback, to my incredible

11:44

wife Dana and sometimes reluctant

11:47

mother of my kids for

11:49

her endless support of this project

11:51

and me, to my own mom, and

11:53

of course. to all of you. You

11:55

can find a link to Claire's wonderful

11:57

intro to this chaos in the show

11:59

notes. Thank you as always

12:01

for listening. Thank you for

12:03

always giving a shit about

12:05

kids and other people's kids.

12:07

And that's it. Have a great

12:10

rest of the week. That's

12:41

it for this week's conversation. For

12:43

more conversations, scroll back in

12:45

the feed or visit podcast

12:47

dot important not important.com to

12:49

search by name, topic, whatever.

12:51

Thanks for sharing. Thanks for

12:53

leaving a review and thanks

12:55

for giving the shit.