0:02

Welcome to to podcast. I'm Michelle I'm It may be a new year, but I've

0:04

It may be a new year, but I've

0:06

got pretty much the same resolutions. a book every week, I'm

0:08

going to start reading a book every week.

0:10

I'm going to take more walks. keep I'm finally

0:12

going to find a way to keep that Trader

0:14

Joe's Orchid alive for more than a month. see

0:16

how I Check back with me in March to

0:19

see how I did. isn't to But sometimes new. best

0:21

thing you can do isn't start something new.

0:23

love, the things to think about your old

0:25

habits that you don't love, and the

0:27

things and ideas that aren't serving

0:29

you, and decide to leave them behind.

0:31

to leave. On On this episode, we've got

0:33

two stories about the good that

0:35

can sometimes come from quitting. sometimes up

0:37

is Ian Stewart, who told this at

0:39

a is slam in who told this Ian story

0:41

slam in Portland. Here's Ian,

0:43

live at the moment. I

0:46

remember my first one. I remember

0:48

my first cigarette. almost

0:50

as well as I remember my last. my

0:53

last. My one. one, it was

0:55

all love It was all love and honey.

0:57

It tasted good. It felt good on

0:59

my lips. my lips. It It melted

1:01

my brain like chocolate under a

1:03

hot marshmallow. under a hot Last

1:05

one. one. Not so much.

1:08

much one of those

1:10

random summertime It was

1:12

one of those random I was

1:14

huddled and I was

1:16

huddled underneath this little overhang. smoking it

1:19

with abandoned, desperate

1:21

need. I smoked it all the

1:23

way down to the filter. it

1:25

all the way down to the filter. this it

1:28

into this little flower pot that... Poor

1:30

little thing. Never saw anything beautiful.

1:32

anything beautiful. And I felt

1:35

so frustrated with felt so

1:37

frustrated with myself, I'd tried so to

1:39

quit I tried to quit plenty

1:41

of times before, and and there I was again.

1:43

like I I felt like I was

1:45

letting myself down. I felt like I was

1:47

breaking a promise. a promise, which I

1:49

was. I went back I went back inside

1:52

I I went into my bedroom where

1:54

I've got this big I've got this It was

1:56

my quit board It was my was

1:58

huge. And it was huge. only

2:00

had like 60 little tallies in

2:02

a corner. And when I got

2:05

the thing, I was very sure

2:07

I was going to fill this

2:09

up, no sweat. I was going

2:11

to maybe just keep on going

2:14

and turn it into one of

2:16

those dungeons that has little tallies

2:18

all over the walls. And as

2:21

I'm sitting there looking at it,

2:23

I see 60-something tallies representing around

2:25

two and a half months. It's

2:28

pretty good. I remember

2:30

it being so, I was

2:32

so frustrated to look at

2:34

that, look at all that

2:36

effort. In between each of

2:38

those lines represented an entire

2:41

day of fighting cravings. Cravings

2:43

that, they were like a

2:45

parasite, man. They would dictate

2:47

everything I did throughout the

2:49

day. Every single one of

2:51

those tala is represented an

2:53

entire day that I went,

2:56

I woke up, didn't smoke.

2:58

I didn't smoke during my

3:00

first cup of coffee, or

3:02

my second. I didn't smoke

3:04

after breakfast. I didn't smoke

3:06

before work, on, and on,

3:08

and on. I'm wet, I'm

3:11

cold, I'm so frustrated, I'm

3:13

just so much self-pity. I

3:15

take my hand and I

3:17

just swipe all those tallies

3:19

away. A quit board goes

3:21

back down to zero days

3:24

without a cigarette. Again, that

3:26

frustration. It

3:28

was mad. I could feel myself

3:30

just writhing in it. And ironically,

3:33

in those moments, the thing you

3:35

really want is a cigarette. I

3:37

go back out to the kitchen

3:40

where I left the pack, and

3:42

there's one left rattling around in

3:44

there. It's like the last match,

3:47

my little lifeline before the darkness

3:49

of no more smokes. And on

3:51

my hand, below the pack, I

3:54

could see this blue smear smear.

3:57

It was the smear of 60-something

3:59

little lines and 60-something little times

4:01

where I said I went this

4:04

entire day without a cigarette. In

4:06

that moment, I didn't see that

4:08

necessarily as a failure. That was

4:10

a collection of successes. A lot

4:13

of successes. Over 20 a day

4:15

for 60 some days. It felt

4:17

pretty damn good. I put that

4:20

pack back down and the next

4:22

day around the same time I

4:24

drew my first line on the

4:26

quitboard. Well, again, my first line

4:29

again. The next

4:31

day I did it again. Two

4:33

became four, four became 20. Before

4:35

I knew it, I had a

4:38

long, yet gradually easier year of

4:40

tallies behind me. All right on,

4:42

I appreciate that. I still get

4:44

cravings on my hardest days. I

4:46

still have a little bit of

4:49

envy when I'm at the bar

4:51

and I smell smoke. It still

4:53

smells good to me and I

4:55

know it's weird. I

4:58

don't tally anymore. That got kind

5:01

of weird. Like, the dungeon look

5:03

not as cool as you might

5:05

think. But to this day, Tuesday

5:08

tucked away inside of my nightstand.

5:10

It's all crusty and just a

5:13

shell of a thing now. I

5:15

still have that last smoke. Thank

5:17

you. Ian is a writer and

5:20

hobbyist of many things who tends

5:22

to burn the candle at both

5:24

ends. He is the author of

5:27

Bitter Sweet, a collection of short

5:29

stories, and lives in Portland Oregon

5:32

with his soon-to-be wife and their

5:34

two cats. Now, for a story

5:36

about a different type of quitting,

5:39

here's Melissa Early at a story

5:41

slam in Chicago. It

5:51

was my first solo trip

5:53

a year after my divorce.

5:55

I'm in a cave in

5:57

Guatemala with a bunch of

5:59

20-year-olds. I'm nearly 50.

6:01

They're all in, or the

6:03

girls are little bikinis, and

6:05

I didn't bring my bathing

6:07

suit to Guatemala, so I'm

6:09

in long pants and a

6:12

t-shirt. They give us a

6:14

rope to hold on to

6:16

that's anchored to the cave

6:18

wall and a candle for

6:20

light. The water gets deeper

6:22

and deeper and deeper, and

6:24

pretty soon I'm in water

6:26

over my head trying to

6:28

pull myself along with the

6:30

rope and keep the damn

6:32

candle lit. The 20-year-olds are

6:34

all getting giddier and louder

6:36

and giddier, and I am

6:38

certain that something is going

6:40

to go horribly, horribly wrong.

6:42

I'm in this stupid cave

6:44

because it's what my 20-something

6:47

self would have done. My

6:49

marriage unraveled so quickly I

6:51

didn't see it coming. It's

6:53

like I stepped on a

6:55

piece of black ice, and

6:57

I was on my ass

6:59

before I knew what happened.

7:01

When I was single and

7:03

in my 20s, I loved

7:05

traveling alone. I love that

7:07

feeling that the world was

7:09

holding me in benevolent hands

7:11

and it just revealed itself

7:13

to me one step at

7:15

a time. So when I

7:17

decided to take this solo

7:19

trip, I planned it like

7:21

I had in my 20s.

7:24

Central America on the cheap,

7:26

not many plans ahead of

7:28

time. When I decided to

7:30

see the turquoise pools of

7:32

Samoupe champagne, I opted for

7:34

the cheap option, which was

7:36

the caving adventure inclusion. I

7:38

don't even like caves. As

7:40

we're going along, the 20-somethings

7:42

love it. Clearly. They love

7:44

it when we have to

7:46

wedge ourselves through a narrow

7:48

little keyhole. They love it

7:50

when we go up, not

7:52

one, but two ladders under

7:54

waterfalls. Well, water is exploding

7:56

in our faces. They're all,

7:58

woo! I'm

8:03

looking around for safety helmets.

8:05

The cave opens to a

8:07

really large cavern with a

8:10

high platform. They all start

8:12

scampering around like little goats

8:14

yelling and carrying on. It's

8:17

great America in there. They're

8:19

jumping off the platform into

8:21

a deep pool. It's cannonball

8:24

city and I'm sitting huddled,

8:26

cold, tired, tired, tired. and

8:28

pretty certain someone is gonna

8:31

die. After about two hours,

8:33

or it could have been

8:35

two years, I don't know.

8:38

We are finally almost out

8:40

of the cave. I could

8:42

literally see the light at

8:45

the end of the tunnel.

8:47

And my foot slips on

8:49

a rock. I try to...

8:52

catch my balance, I reach

8:54

for the cave wall and

8:56

I miss, and I fall

8:59

and I slam my back

9:01

hard against Iraq. It hurts

9:03

so bad for a minute

9:06

I thought I broke my

9:08

back. I sit in the

9:10

cold water. I kind of

9:13

hide my face because I

9:15

don't want anyone else to

9:18

see my tears. I am

9:20

so ashamed. I am the

9:22

old lady who fell. I

9:25

get up slowly. I can

9:27

walk, but barely. I slowly

9:29

make my way to the

9:32

locker room, my back seizing

9:34

up at every step. When

9:36

I get to the locker

9:39

room, I know there's no

9:41

way I can change out

9:43

of my wet clothes into

9:46

dry ones without help. Thankfully,

9:48

the person I asked is

9:50

an Australian nurse, and she

9:53

assures me that I haven't

9:55

done any permanent damage and

9:57

that it's going to hurt

10:00

like hell for a few

10:02

days, and it did. But

10:04

on my My 20-something bucket

10:07

list was the ruins at

10:09

T. Call. So I am

10:11

the next day on a

10:14

small van shuttle and the

10:16

jump seat that, you know,

10:18

does this the whole time.

10:21

Feeling every bump, jostle, and

10:23

ditch, and my back just

10:25

tightens up. It just sends

10:28

shockways of pain through my

10:30

whole body all the way

10:32

up to florese. When we

10:35

finally get to florese, I

10:37

get out. My whole, my

10:39

body just locked in a

10:42

tight grimace. That night, I'm

10:44

sitting on my hotel terrace,

10:46

and I finally admit that

10:49

my 20-something travel days are

10:51

over. I am a grown-ass

10:53

woman. I have a real

10:56

job. Maybe I can afford

10:58

a hotel with hot water.

11:01

And then I realize it's...

11:03

It's not my age, I'm

11:05

struggling with. It's my fragility.

11:08

It's one thing to trust

11:10

the world when you believe

11:12

you can't get hurt. It's

11:15

something totally different when you

11:17

know you can. I don't

11:19

let my 20-something travel self

11:22

make my travel plans anymore.

11:24

But I do let her

11:26

in on decisions I make.

11:29

I may be single and

11:31

fragile, but it's still sometimes

11:33

worth risking crashing again. Because

11:36

you can only not get

11:38

hurt if you don't go

11:40

anywhere or do anything or

11:43

love anyone. I'm learning to

11:45

be fragile and brave at

11:47

the same time. That

12:00

was was Melissa Melissa Melissa is a

12:02

United Methodist pastor. In 2023, she In

12:04

2023, she moved from the Chicago

12:06

area to Leadville, Colorado in make space

12:08

in her life for writing, and

12:10

hiking, and creativity. She's the pastor of the

12:13

pastor of St. George Episcopal co-founder of Sage

12:15

of Sage Mountain Institute for spirituality. That's

12:17

That's it for this episode. all of

12:19

From all of us here at

12:21

moth, listening to our podcast is

12:23

a habit we hope you never

12:25

quit. quit. Michelle Jalowski is a a

12:27

producer and director at the at the where

12:29

she helps people craft and shape

12:31

their stories for stages all over the

12:34

world. This episode of the Moth

12:36

podcast was produced by Sarah was produced by

12:38

Jane Johnson, and me, Sarah Jane Johnson, The

12:40

rest of the Moth leadership team rest of

12:42

the moth leadership team Jennifer Haberman, Meg Norman,

12:44

Jennifer Hixen, Meg Bowles, Kate Tellers, Marina Cluché, Suzanne Rust,

12:46

and Patricia Patricia Orenia. The Moth would

12:48

like to thank its its and

12:51

listeners. Stories like these are

12:53

made possible by community giving. If

12:55

you're not already a member,

12:57

please consider becoming one or making

12:59

a one -time donation today making a

13:01

one-time .org today, at the moth.org/Give Back. When When

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you give to the Moth, you

13:05

help us bring storytelling to

13:07

students and community groups across the

13:09

country. Thanks for your support. for

13:12

your All moth are true, as

13:14

remembered by their storytellers. For For

13:16

more about our podcast, information on

13:18

pitching your own story, and

13:20

everything else, go to our website,

13:22

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