18:04

Kat Paul Hoffman is a writer from

18:06

the Pacific Northwest and she's currently working

18:08

on a book of essays about adoption,

18:10

love, midlife, family, and retail sales. We

18:14

asked Kat if she had learned any more about why

18:16

she was placed for adoption. She

18:18

said she heard a rumor that it was a

18:20

cultural superstition in the 70s that twins were bad

18:22

luck, but she hopes she'll learn more details in

18:24

time. That said, her

18:27

favorite memories of her biological family are with

18:29

her birth mother. She wrote,

18:31

the first time we shared a meal together,

18:33

she hand-fed me. The

18:35

first time I showered in her home, she combed

18:37

my wet hair afterward and then ran a blow

18:39

dryer over it. She

18:41

was recreating moments she never got to have with

18:43

me before. To

18:47

see a picture of Kat with her mom

18:49

and twin sister, visit themoth.org, where you can

18:51

also download the story or pitch one of

18:53

your own. In

19:01

a moment, a music producer makes it

19:03

big, sort of, when the Moth Radio

19:05

Hour continues. The

19:37

Moth Radio Hour is produced

19:39

by Atlantic Public Media in

19:41

Woods Hole, Massachusetts and presented

19:43

by PRX. As

19:46

I've gotten older, I've noticed how my

19:48

metabolism has changed. No surprise, it's slower.

19:50

So I was definitely interested in Lumen as a way

19:53

to examine that. It's the world's

19:55

first portable device to measure, track and

19:57

analyze your metabolism. So it was a

19:59

great place to start. Nah,

20:59

not quite. What's up? Ah, sell my

21:01

car in Carvana. It's just not quite

21:03

the right time. Crazy coincidence. I

21:05

just sold my car to Carvana. What? I

21:07

told you about it two days ago. When

21:09

you know, you know. You know, I'm even

21:11

dropping it off at one of those sweet

21:13

car vending machines and getting paid today. That's

21:15

a good deal. Oh, great deal. Come on.

21:18

What's your heart saying? You're right. When

21:20

you know, you know. Sold. Whether you're

21:22

looking to sell your car right now or just

21:24

whenever feels right, go to carvana.com and sell your

21:26

car the convenient way. Terms and conditions apply. maybe

22:00

ever, and it's fun. The

22:02

anticipation of a small surprise, it's kind of the best

22:04

part of a surprise. A little bit

22:06

of drama without any of the stakes. I'm

22:09

meeting him next Friday, wish me luck. Not

22:12

all surprises allow you time for anticipation though. Like

22:17

in the case of our next storyteller, Paul Chin.

22:20

He told this story at a main stage

22:22

in Canada where we partner with the Toronto

22:24

International Festival of Authors. Here's

22:26

Paul. So

22:31

I've been making music my whole life. I'm

22:33

a music producer and DJ. So

22:36

a few years ago, I was

22:39

really kind of on board professionally. I

22:41

was kind of

22:43

just over the cycle of making

22:45

and releasing music into what felt like a void.

22:49

But at the same time, I was still working a day job

22:52

as a software designer that I had really

22:54

come to resent. And so I

22:56

knew I needed to make a change. My

22:59

thinking was this. I'm

23:01

gonna try to make one more EP, and

23:04

I'm gonna try to get to a place where I

23:06

can quit my job so I can push this new

23:08

music and really give it my all and see if

23:10

I can make something happen. And

23:12

if I couldn't, then I would know for sure, maybe

23:15

it's time to hang this up. So

23:17

this is the plan. 2019,

23:20

I'm committing every single day toward finishing this

23:22

music. I'm coming home from my job, and

23:25

I'm sitting down at the computer, and I'm

23:27

scrolling through thousands of snare drum samples because

23:30

invariably, the one that I picked last time is

23:32

always wrong. And I'm tracking

23:34

all of my friend's schedules like

23:36

I'm their manager, because I need

23:38

to know who is available to

23:40

come over and record next, and

23:42

it's the middle of the night,

23:44

and I'm on the dining room

23:46

floor with a fog machine, a

23:48

projector, and a camera on a

23:50

tripod, because I'm shooting the album

23:52

art, right? I

23:54

titled this EP, Full Spectrum. And

23:57

it's not just because I'm putting in all of my

23:59

music. But

30:00

beyond that, they found

30:02

my music. And

30:05

they're looking it up, and I'm being sent

30:07

DMs of people's BTS

30:09

playlists with my songs

30:11

interspersed within. This

30:14

one is saying, hey, you should go

30:16

listen to Take It or Leave It,

30:18

because Desiree's vocals immaculate. This one is

30:20

telling another one, I really love slow

30:22

wine, because I'm really feeling this futuristic

30:24

dancehall thing. And I don't

30:26

even have to explain my music to anyone, because

30:28

they're doing it for me, and it's

30:30

sick. So this just

30:33

kind of goes on and on for

30:35

months. And now I'm like, wait

30:37

a second. I should probably

30:39

listen to Butter, because I think it's now the most

30:41

important song in the world to me. And

30:46

the verdict is it rules. Of course it

30:48

was number one. What are you talking about?

30:52

But this goes on for months, and we're like hanging

30:54

out online, and we're talking to each other. And I'm

30:56

getting to know them. I find

30:58

out that this happens a lot

31:01

to BTS Army. They're, for whatever

31:03

reason, so often the victims of

31:05

this weird, snobbish persecution. Don't know

31:07

what it is, but it sucks.

31:10

And they're also learning about

31:12

me, and they're very

31:14

sympathetic to the fact that I, as

31:17

a developing artist who is really,

31:20

again, just so lost right

31:22

now, have just

31:24

torpedoed all chance of ever appearing in

31:26

this major music publication, because I stood

31:29

up for them. And

31:31

they're really kind about it. So

31:34

the next time I actually can get out and

31:36

play shows, I'm sitting at the merch table as

31:38

I do after a set. And

31:40

this woman comes up to me and introduces herself.

31:43

She's one of these Purple Heart handles that I've

31:45

been talking to for months, and she says to

31:47

me, you know, I was

31:50

already thinking of coming to the show, but

31:52

as soon as I saw they added you to

31:54

the lineup, I knew I had to come

31:57

so that I could come and meet you. And

31:59

then she buys her a round. Oh,

42:00

honey, I

42:02

met Trader Joe's and you know how they

42:04

are. They only had organic and now they're

42:06

all out. She

42:14

was like, damn, I had a coupon. Three

42:19

weeks later, I was soundly

42:21

asleep, soundly asleep. And

42:23

Heather woke me up, shaking me, you have

42:25

to accept help, you have to accept help.

42:29

I was sleepy and confused. Did she

42:31

mean like the next day when

42:33

we had people over for dinner, I was supposed to

42:36

like let them do the dishes or something? But

42:38

then I noticed she was fully dressed. She

42:40

had on a skirt and a

42:42

hat and her signature feather boa and

42:44

she was like, this is an important

42:46

conversation. When I'm dead, you have to

42:49

accept help. And then to punctuate

42:51

this point, she just kept poking me, you

42:53

have to accept help, you have to accept

42:55

help, you have promise you'll accept help. And

42:57

I squirmed away because of the poking. But

43:03

she was relentless and finally I

43:05

agreed. When

43:09

someone you love is dying, you

43:12

say yes a lot. Assisted

43:18

suicide is legal in Oregon and Heather

43:20

had already made plans to talk with

43:23

Barbara Glidemore, the official liaison to

43:25

the process. And

43:28

we all huddled around a

43:30

conference table in a

43:33

room, secluded

43:35

room in the hospital where Heather got

43:37

care and Barbara

43:40

Glidemore explained, now this isn't a process for

43:42

everyone. This is a

43:44

process for whom, for a

43:46

patient for whom maintaining control is paramount.

43:50

Now Heather had mentioned before I moved out, she

43:53

had mentioned assisted suicide to me. She wanted

43:55

to know if it got bad like that,

43:59

that I wouldn't oppose her. But it had

44:01

seemed theoretical then. With

44:03

this information, I mean, Heather was a

44:06

boss and she was the boss. I

44:09

called her my queen and that was lovingly

44:11

not facetiously. Heather

44:16

of all people was a patient for

44:19

whom maintaining control was paramount. Things

44:22

just got really

44:25

real. So

44:28

the process for assisted suicide, of

44:31

course, it's America. You have to do a bunch of paperwork. And

44:35

then you have to make two written requests

44:37

and one oral request. And then you

44:39

have to find a doctor who will

44:41

write a prescription for the lethal medication.

44:43

And then you have to find a

44:46

pharmacist who will fill that prescription. And then

44:48

once you've done all that, you

44:50

just kind of activate the sequence when

44:52

you're ready. It actually is pretty complicated.

44:54

A lot of people

44:57

who begin the process don't

44:59

complete it. And even many people who

45:01

complete the process never actually use the

45:04

medication. But

45:07

Heather had other plans. One

45:10

night in early February, I was sleeping curled up

45:12

against her and I heard her talking on the

45:14

phone. Okay, you got to come. It's tomorrow. I'm

45:16

doing it tomorrow. I

45:19

waited till she was finished with the phone conversation. I

45:21

said, you know, when

45:24

a person decides they're going to use assisted

45:26

suicide to end their life, they're supposed to

45:29

tell the person in bed with them before

45:32

they tell the rest of the world. She

45:35

said, oh, damn, I forgot that was

45:37

the procedure. And

45:40

then we just shared a

45:42

long kiss and didn't talk about it anymore. Because

45:47

when you're enjoying a kiss, you don't stop

45:49

to think about the fact that

45:51

the person you love most in the world is going to

45:54

be gone from you forever soon. You

45:57

just enjoy the hot kiss. It

46:02

was overly ambitious to think it was going to

46:04

be the next day, whether you're renewing

46:06

your driver's license at the DMV or

46:08

filing an application to enter life. Bureaucracy

46:10

can only be rushed so much. But

46:14

she was ready and the waiting was hard. By

46:19

7.30 a.m., the next Tuesday everything was

46:21

in place and Heather wanted to die

46:23

surrounded by love and so three quarters

46:25

of queer Portland was at our house.

46:29

Let's see, there was one of Heather's

46:31

friends had flown from San Francisco for the

46:34

occasion and another friend

46:36

showed up precisely at 8.02 a.m.

46:38

wearing thigh-high leather boots for the

46:41

occasion. Heather's exes

46:43

were there. All of Heather's exes were

46:45

there. As

46:47

well as her biological sisters.

46:52

The radical fairies came in and out

46:54

bringing with them the smell of patchouli

46:56

and body odor. And

47:01

giving all of us as many hugs and as much

47:03

raky as we wanted. Also

47:06

present was

47:08

Portland's own liaison to the

47:10

assisted suicide process, Barbara Glidemar.

47:14

And she sat on our purple

47:16

leopard print couch in

47:18

her Ann Taylor suit and

47:21

full face makeup looking

47:23

to her great credit as

47:26

if this was all very customary and

47:29

this was the third partly converted Hare Krishna

47:31

temple full of queer freaks she had been

47:34

to just

47:36

that morning. We

47:41

all alternately held it together and lost

47:43

it. The

47:46

pot had smoked a lot of pot. I

47:49

drank my own weight and died in Mountain Dew. And

47:53

when the time came closer, Heather pulled each

47:55

of us behind a curtain around her bed

47:58

for a private goodbye and some stuff. snuggling and

48:00

also because it was Heather to give

48:03

us some advice about how we should run our life. For

48:07

me, she said, of course, that I should learn how to

48:09

accept help. And then she

48:11

also told me that I should

48:13

start trying on my clothes

48:15

before I buy them. Something

48:31

about them fitting better that way. At

48:38

Heather's request, I drew

48:40

up the IV anti-nausea medication

48:42

that she would need to keep down

48:45

the lethal dose of oral

48:47

medication. As I was

48:49

doing that, I started to sing the Snoopy song.

48:52

We associated it with happier times. But my

48:54

voice was shaking. She said, you

48:57

know you're doing that for you, right? You know I'm

48:59

okay? Heather's

49:02

friend, Kena, had bravely offered to mix

49:05

up the lethal combination. As

49:07

I handed the spoon to Kena, I was like, oh, my

49:09

God, this has to work or she is definitely going to

49:11

kill us. So,

49:19

Kena and I went behind

49:21

the curtain. Kena

49:24

handed the bowl of

49:28

putting in medication to Heather. She ate it

49:31

and she died. It

49:35

was terrible. Even

49:39

though every moment of her death had

49:41

been planned, I was still surprised. I

49:46

was surprised by

49:50

how gone she felt and

49:53

how alone I felt. I

49:59

said, beside her and

50:03

cried a little bit by myself. And

50:06

then I heard out beyond the curtain,

50:08

I heard our friends talking

50:11

and crying. And

50:14

I thought about what

50:17

I had promised Heather and

50:19

I thought about how she lived her life. And

50:23

so I took my pillow, my

50:25

Snoopy pillow, and

50:29

slid it underneath her head. And I

50:33

kissed her softly on the cheek. And I said,

50:37

let people help you Kelly. People

50:40

like to help. And I walked

50:42

out beyond the curtain into

50:44

a big huge queer hug into

50:46

the arms of people who loved

50:48

me and yeah, very much wanted to help.

50:51

Thank you. Kelly

51:05

Dunham is a comedian and a nurse, often both

51:07

at the same time. She

51:09

is the author of seven hilarious

51:11

books about non-hilarious topics like puberty,

51:13

grief, and death. And she's in

51:15

an open relationship with the city of New York.

51:23

I asked Kelly if she's still in touch with the people

51:26

who were there with her and Heather that day. She

51:28

wrote, everywhere I go I run into people

51:31

who knew and loved Heather. I

51:33

always say that Heather's love troopers, that's

51:35

what she called her extended care group,

51:37

were my lasting inheritance. These

51:40

days a lot of the work Kelly does

51:42

is teaching people in the helping professions about

51:44

learning to accept assistance and support. And she

51:46

has a live show called Second Helping about

51:48

this very thing. To

51:50

find out more about Kelly and her work and

51:52

to see a picture of Heather and her signature

51:55

feather boa, visit themoth.org. You

52:03

can share these stories or others from

52:05

the Moth Archive and buy tickets to

52:07

Moth storytelling events in your area through

52:09

our website, themoth.org. There

52:11

are Moth events year-round. Find a

52:13

show near you and come out to tell a story. And

52:16

find us on social media too. We're on

52:18

Facebook and X at The Moth and on

52:20

Instagram and TikTok at Moth Stories. That's

52:25

it for this episode of the Moth Radio Hour.

52:28

We hope you'll join us next time. And

52:30

that's the story from the Moth. This

52:43

episode of the Moth Radio Hour

52:46

was produced by me, Jay Allison,

52:48

and Michelle Jalowski, who hosted and

52:50

directed the stories in the show,

52:52

along with Chloe Salmon. Co-producer

52:54

is Vicki Merrick, associate producer,

52:56

Emily Couch. The rest

52:59

of the Moth's leadership team

53:01

includes Sarah Haberman, Christina Norman,

53:03

Sarah Austin Janess, Jennifer Hickson,

53:05

Meg Bowles, Kate Tellers, Marina

53:07

Cloutier, Leanne Gulley, Suzanne Rust,

53:09

Brandon Grant, Sarah Jane Johnson,

53:11

and Aldi Caza. Moth

53:13

Stories are true, as remembered and affirmed

53:16

by the storytellers. Our theme music

53:18

is by The Drift. Other music

53:20

in this hour from Guthrie Trapp,

53:22

Tirta Gundarba, Jerry Douglas,

53:24

Russ Barenberg, and Edgar Meyer, Paul

53:27

Chin, and Vince Giraldi.

53:30

We receive funding from the National

53:32

Endowment for the Arts. The

53:35

Moth Radio Hour is produced

53:37

by Atlantic Public Media in

53:39

Woods Hole, Massachusetts, and presented

53:41

by PRX. For

53:43

more about our podcast, for information on pitching

53:45

us your own story, which we always hope

53:47

you'll do, and everything else,

53:50

go to our website, themoth.org.

53:55

Thanks for listening. We'll see you next time.