0:00

Hello, everybody, Welcome back to

0:02

the show. Welcome back to the podcast,

0:05

new listeners, old listeners. Wherever you are

0:07

in the world, it is so great to have you here

0:09

back for another episode. Today's

0:11

episode, though you may have already noticed,

0:14

is a rerun, So over

0:16

the next two weeks, I am putting

0:19

out some of my best episodes

0:21

from the last four years of almost NonStop

0:23

podcasting as I just take some time away

0:26

to launch my debut book, Person

0:28

in Progress, A Roadmap to the Psychology

0:30

of Your Twenties. Do not fret. I will

0:32

be back on the twenty ninth of April,

0:35

but I just wanted to give my book a little bit

0:37

of extra love these next two weeks because

0:40

it's a big deal and I'm not going to talk about it too much.

0:42

I'm sure you're just here to listen to the podcast

0:44

and probably sick of me talking about

0:47

it, but I just want to say thank

0:49

you. I want to say a huge thank you for

0:51

allowing me to write this book and put

0:54

it out in the world. This is only

0:56

possible because of you all. Because of you,

0:58

guys, the listeners. Literally, that's

1:00

it. That's the only reason I'm able to do this. And

1:03

I've wanted to be an author since I was

1:05

five. Twenty years later,

1:08

you guys made that happen for me, So

1:11

just thank you, Thank you so

1:14

much. I would obviously love

1:16

it if you could pre order it, buy it,

1:18

gift it to a friend, but you've already

1:20

done so much, and I just feel honored to have

1:22

had this opportunity. Most of all,

1:24

I'm just really pumped for you guys to read

1:26

it. I hope that you learn something. I'm

1:29

sure if you love the podcast,

1:31

you will love Person in Progress as

1:33

well. But it's a really exciting time and

1:36

the main feeling I have right now is one of gratitude.

1:38

So thank you so much. Without

1:41

further ado, I hope you enjoy this

1:43

rerun of one of my favorite

1:46

all time episodes.

1:52

Hello everybody, and welcome

1:54

back to the Psychology of Your

1:56

Twenties, the podcast where

1:58

we talk through some of the big life changes

2:01

and transitions of our twenties

2:04

and what they.

2:04

Mean for our psychology. Hello

2:11

everybody, Welcome back to the show.

2:14

Welcome back to the podcast, new

2:16

listeners, old listeners. Wherever you are

2:18

in the world, it is so great to have you

2:21

here back for another episode. As

2:23

we of course break down the psychology

2:25

of our twenties. Worrying

2:27

about what other people think about us can

2:30

take up a lot of mental real estate.

2:33

We kind of know that we shouldn't care. We

2:35

know that we are loved, We know that

2:37

no one is really watching us that closely.

2:40

But for some of us, it's not really a choice.

2:42

We are overwhelmed by this deep,

2:45

persistent fear of being perceived.

2:48

We're constantly aware of those

2:51

invisible judgments that others might

2:53

be making, what parts of us

2:55

they might not like, Who we might

2:57

offend if we say the wrong thing, who

3:00

we make cringe, And

3:02

it keeps us in this place of self

3:05

denial, denial of our true

3:07

selves, of our potential, of

3:10

our ambitions, of our authenticity.

3:12

And today I want to talk about it because

3:15

it's a fear that is definitely

3:18

not spoken about enough, despite

3:20

being something that a lot of us in our twenties

3:23

and beyond manage on

3:25

a daily basis. Being

3:27

in this decade of life, it comes with a lot of insecurity.

3:30

For sure. You know, it's our first

3:32

decade of adulthood and we're normally

3:34

lost, we're lonely. Maybe we're trying to

3:36

fit in, and this fear of

3:39

being perceived feeds

3:41

on these worries to make us feel

3:43

even more out of place and insecure.

3:45

What you may not know is that there is

3:48

a lot more to be said about this than just the

3:50

typical explanation that we get of social

3:53

anxiety or low self confidence.

3:55

Our fear of being perceived has

3:58

its roots in early experiences of social

4:00

exclusion, bullying, even

4:03

perfectionism, and how our brains process

4:05

social and emotional information. Learning

4:08

about this really helps us accept this

4:10

reality that has kind of been thrust

4:12

on us right and with that knowledge comes

4:15

power, the power to kind of change

4:18

the thought loop that keeps us fearful

4:21

and withdrawn. And when you break down

4:24

the irrational and fear dependent thoughts

4:27

that keep us trapped by other people's

4:29

potential judgments, a huge

4:32

weight is really lifted, and that's really what

4:34

I want for you. We're also going

4:36

to discuss three powerful

4:38

mental shifts that I've used that

4:41

are backed by research and psychology

4:43

that can help you overcome your fear

4:46

of being perceived, from playing mind

4:48

games with your mind games to decentering

4:51

the opinions of others through exposure,

4:53

and also applying one of the greatest

4:56

cognitive tricks of all time

4:58

to essentially stop your

5:00

anxiety about other people's opinions

5:02

before they even begin. There

5:05

is so much to talk about, and I also

5:07

want to explore what can happen

5:09

when we do this. What is

5:11

the reality of being

5:13

free from our fear of

5:16

being perceived? So much becomes possible.

5:19

I just think it's something that a lot of us can't even

5:21

imagine, but I kind of want to show you what

5:23

that might look like. So there is

5:25

a lot to unpack in this episode, and I know from

5:28

hearing from all of you that this is

5:30

not uncommon in the slightest. So

5:33

for all of you who are managing this, dealing

5:35

with this, this episode is

5:39

for you to get that clarity, to feel

5:41

seen, to know the psychology,

5:44

and of course to overcome it.

5:46

So without further ado, let's

5:48

get into how you can overcome your

5:51

fear of being perceived. Our

5:57

fear of being perceived really comes down

6:00

to this irrational anxiety

6:02

around being observed and scrutinized

6:05

by others. It's kind of in the name, really,

6:07

but this fear is also known as scopophobia,

6:10

and that comes from the Greek word scope

6:13

to be examined, and of course

6:15

phobia to fear anytime

6:18

something contains the word phobia in

6:20

it, we know that what's really happening

6:22

below the surface is anxiety.

6:25

There is a dysregulated response to

6:28

a persistent, irrational thought or

6:30

worry. You might say, you know, okay,

6:33

scopophobia, Yeah, it has its own name, But isn't

6:35

this just social anxiety? And

6:38

you would be totally right for thinking that. The fear

6:40

of being perceived and social

6:42

anxiety often go hand in hand.

6:45

But this is more than simply

6:47

a social phobia around wanting

6:50

to avoid being seen by others. It's

6:53

also a specific phobia, and specific

6:55

phobias surround an extreme fear

6:57

of a specific situation

7:00

that poses little to no danger but

7:03

makes people really, really anxious. The

7:05

thing is, your fear of being perceived

7:08

can be isolated to just a single

7:10

environment, like you may have no trouble

7:12

public speaking, hosting parties,

7:15

even being seen by strangers on the street,

7:18

but when it comes to dating, you are

7:20

incredibly fearful of what people might think

7:22

of you on your first date or on dating

7:25

apps, so you avoid those situations

7:27

altogether. That's a specific trigger

7:30

for your phobia of being perceived.

7:32

Or you may be really confident in every

7:35

other setting other than in the workplace

7:37

or at the gym. That's why this fear

7:40

can be very specific in

7:42

nature. It's at this point that it's

7:44

probably important to note that there are kind

7:46

of two versions or two varieties

7:49

to our fear of being perceived. There

7:51

is the fear of being physically perceived

7:54

taking up space being seen by others,

7:57

which is probably the most common. And

7:59

then there is the fear of being emotionally

8:02

perceived, which has more to do with

8:04

being seen deeply and

8:06

intimately by someone else on a more kind

8:09

of feeling space level. It's less common,

8:12

but it's still a really difficult reality to believe

8:14

that if anyone were to truly see you

8:17

and your character and to know you, they

8:19

probably wouldn't want to be around you anymore. Physical

8:22

like, our fear of physical perception is more around

8:25

people making assumptions. Oftentimes,

8:28

though they kind of go hand in hand,

8:30

because perception alone

8:33

isn't scary, right, It's the judgment

8:35

that comes next, and that is

8:38

where kind of the emotional element comes

8:40

in. It's not that we kind

8:42

of think that someone looking at us is inherently

8:45

dangerous, that their eyes are

8:47

going to like burn holes in our skin, even

8:49

if it might feel that way. Sometimes

8:52

it's what we know comes second.

8:55

People make instantaneous

8:57

and snap calls around

9:00

they think someone is like within

9:03

seconds or minutes, and

9:05

perception is not objective. There

9:08

is not one clear way of seeing everything

9:11

and everyone. It's objective,

9:13

so we can't control what they think about us,

9:15

whether that is correct or not, and

9:18

that is often what is really at

9:20

the root of this experience. We

9:22

don't actually fear the act of being

9:25

perceived physically. We

9:27

fear being judged, and we

9:29

fear the unknowns that are contained

9:32

in those judgments. And here

9:34

is where we kind of return to that distinction between

9:37

fear and anxiety. Fear

9:39

is for the present and anxiety is for the

9:41

possibility. That's where all the

9:43

fun is in for our anxiety, right Our

9:46

anxiety likes to try to figure things out

9:48

that we may never know, and that unknown

9:51

is so scary. We catastrophize based

9:54

on the worst case scenario rather

9:56

than what is most likely, which

9:58

is that people pay lot more attention to

10:01

themselves than anyone else. Most

10:03

people are actually fairly kind with their

10:05

judgments, and even if they aren't,

10:08

we're still going to be okay. We can

10:10

survive someone not liking us based

10:12

on limited information. We

10:14

can survive someone not liking us based on their

10:16

own insecurities because

10:19

it's not about us anymore. But

10:21

let's kind of track back for a second, because

10:23

there is something crucial I've missed here. That

10:25

is, what is it exactly

10:28

about those invisible judgments

10:30

that are so scary for people

10:32

with the fear of being perceived? Yes,

10:35

so it is the fact that it is an unknown

10:37

which our anxiety thrives on. But

10:39

it also is a little bit more than that.

10:42

Social judgment holds a

10:44

lot of power because of our innate,

10:47

ingrained fear of social

10:49

disapproval. We don't want others

10:51

not to like us. We don't want

10:53

them to think that there's something wrong with us. We

10:56

don't want them to walk away from meeting

10:58

us or hanging out out and go and say

11:00

terrible things that might ruin our

11:03

reputation or destroy certain relationships.

11:06

This is really the case for a few reasons.

11:09

Firstly, we kind of fear other's opinions

11:11

out of a need to protect our self

11:14

esteem and to continue to validate ourselves.

11:17

We don't want people not to like us

11:19

because that might hurt our sense

11:22

of self worth. I think we all

11:24

know what it's like to be confronted

11:27

with an ugly truth about what someone else

11:29

really thinks about us. If it's

11:31

a former friend calling you cringe

11:34

an x, thinking that you're lame or unattractive,

11:37

you know, some aurshole on the internet, from school,

11:40

whatever. When someone makes a

11:42

snig comment about your looks, about

11:45

any feature of you, that really

11:47

hurts. And we want to avoid

11:49

that hurt and we want to avoid the damage

11:51

that it does to our self esteem, So

11:54

we begin to fear those judgments as a way

11:56

to avoid them. But let's dissect

11:58

that even further. If someone doesn't

12:00

like you, then what well

12:03

for our anxious mind. If

12:06

people don't like us, they think we're unattractive,

12:08

annoying, whatever. Your primary insecurity

12:11

is around being perceived, we worry

12:14

that as a secondary consequence of

12:16

that, we will lose really

12:19

valuable relationships

12:21

or opportunities for connection. That's

12:24

a really primal instinct you have

12:26

going on there. You don't want to be left out of the group.

12:28

You want to avoid isolation and loneliness

12:31

at all costs, because our ancient brain knows

12:34

that could harm us in the long run. Basically,

12:37

this is our fear of rejection kind

12:40

of working in tandem with our desire for social

12:42

acceptance and belonging.

12:45

But actually that ends up driving

12:48

a wedge between us and other people anyways,

12:51

because we end up, you

12:53

know, letting this fear drive

12:56

us to self isolate, drive

12:58

us to not put ourselves out there, to not

13:00

really connect with people, Which

13:02

means that although our fear

13:04

of being perceived might in

13:06

our brains be protecting us from

13:09

being embarrassed, from being

13:11

excluded, from being teased

13:14

or mocked, and therefore protect our

13:16

social relationships, actually

13:18

it's having the

13:20

counter effect, and it's meaning that

13:23

we tend to close ourselves off from

13:25

those opportunities anyways.

13:27

It's like, if you begin to expect that people

13:30

won't like you or will immediately think the

13:32

worst of you, why give them the power

13:35

to even do that when you can stop

13:37

that from happening in the first place by

13:40

never showing up. You can't be

13:42

perceived if you're not present. And

13:44

so we tend to reduce our anxiety

13:47

and our fear by reducing exposure

13:49

to the trigger, which is other people

13:52

or situations where we think we might

13:54

be uncomfortable. I think we know

13:56

all too well that this avoidance typically

13:58

backfires, as avoidance

14:00

always does when it comes to phobic behavior

14:03

or anxiety. The less exposure

14:06

you have, the more power your fear

14:08

has, because it begins to make everything

14:10

seem worse in your brain and

14:13

you have no lived experience to

14:15

prove otherwise. Like in

14:17

this example, right, you believe

14:19

that if people could perceive you, they

14:22

would say something mean or

14:24

cruel, or would think that you were embarrassing,

14:26

and that would result in them not liking you, bowd

14:29

mouthing you, having a negative judgment. The

14:32

outcome of that is super scary.

14:34

You can't handle that possibility, and

14:37

so you never let it be the case. But

14:39

in your efforts to reduce your

14:41

anxiety, which is a totally natural

14:44

thing to do, because anxiety obviously

14:46

makes us uncomfortable, we actually

14:49

never question or

14:52

give ourselves the opportunity to

14:54

disprove this irrational hypothetical.

14:57

Worse than that, we never give ourselves

15:00

the opportunity to prove to ourselves

15:02

that we are capable of feeling judged

15:05

and pushing forwards anyway. We

15:07

never get to prove to ourselves that

15:09

we are bigger than

15:11

what someone may or may not think. We

15:14

can experience our worst fear and we

15:16

can survive it, and we cannot just survive,

15:19

but it can fuel us, and it can make us

15:21

bigger and better, and in some ways

15:24

it actually reduces the initial

15:26

fear that we had. So what

15:28

are the consequences of this? Well,

15:30

I've kind of seen it in myself, to be honest, in

15:33

the past, I remember self

15:35

abandoning a lot, denying my true

15:38

self kind of the opportunity to be vibrant

15:41

and present, because the fear was

15:43

louder than my impulse to express

15:45

myself and made me very

15:48

very small and very very sad.

15:51

At first. I remember this very clearly, like

15:53

I'd be really excited to

15:55

i don't know, post a picture online, or to

15:58

express my opinion, or go to this

16:00

party and talk to people, or even

16:03

just like create something cool and interesting

16:05

and share it, and then this fear

16:07

would infiltrate and make

16:09

all those positive feelings and all that anticipation

16:13

it would wilt it. It would make it really really

16:15

small, and you push down the

16:17

parts of you that you think are too much

16:19

or that stick out a little bit too much. You

16:22

avoid situations that you probably would

16:24

have enjoyed, and you deny yourself

16:27

opportunities because a

16:29

lot of opportunities do come with

16:31

perception. The more successful

16:34

you become. The more passionate

16:36

you become, more people begin

16:39

to notice you. And of course, if

16:41

you can't handle that perception, whyever

16:44

put yourself in a position where

16:46

you could be praised or you could be seen.

16:49

I think simply put the

16:51

desire to fit in and the paralyzing

16:54

fear of being disliked. It

16:56

undermines our ability to

16:58

pursue the lives who want to create. The

17:00

hypothetical views of people you don't even

17:03

care about, let alone know, take

17:06

on more power than our own

17:08

intentions and our own dreams.

17:12

It's really interesting because, as one person

17:14

put it to me, it's kind of like you

17:16

put a wall between you and

17:18

the world, and you both resent

17:21

that wall, but you also rely

17:23

on it at the same time. At

17:26

an extreme, our fear of being perceived

17:28

can cause us to panic

17:31

and experienced heightened levels of

17:33

social anxiety, terror,

17:36

dread, shortness of breath, shaking,

17:39

the urge to go and hide,

17:42

you know. And it's often in response to specific

17:44

situations like being introduced

17:46

to people, being in large group settings

17:48

where you feel like you're one out, being

17:51

the center of attention. So a question

17:53

I've definitely asked myself, and

17:56

I'm sure you may have as well. Why

17:58

do some people have this fear and

18:00

others don't? There are

18:03

people who are just not afraid

18:05

in the slightest to

18:08

exist as their fullest and truer selves, and

18:11

we really admire them for that. I'm sure

18:13

we always have. We

18:15

all have someone in mind right now. Maybe

18:18

it's like a pop culture figure like a Chapel

18:21

Row, or like a performer

18:24

or an idol of ours,

18:26

or even a friend who just

18:29

seriously has

18:31

no just doesn't have that war, doesn't

18:34

have that war between them and the

18:36

world. So why exactly is

18:38

it the case that we do? Where does

18:40

this fear, Where does this worry

18:43

of being perceived truly come from?

18:50

Firstly, our fear of being perceived is

18:52

really closely linked to, of course,

18:54

social anxiety and anxiety

18:57

in general, as most social and specific

18:59

phobias are. What I really want

19:01

people to know is that social anxiety is more

19:03

than just shyness, It's more than

19:05

just introversion. It's actually a

19:07

complex difference in how our brains are

19:09

reacting to our environment, including

19:13

social interactions, and specifically

19:15

how they're wired to absorb this information

19:18

and the meaning that they apply to it. Mainly,

19:20

social anxiety and with its Scopophobia

19:23

is attributed to a dysfunction in the hippocampus,

19:26

the amygdala, and the areas of

19:28

our brain that process emotion, meaning

19:31

that there is a lot more activity in

19:33

those specific regions, making

19:35

us feel more attuned to small

19:38

moments, small cues that

19:41

that are kind of seen through like a fearful

19:43

lens. That's the easiest way to put it. There

19:46

are a lot of neural mechanisms that are

19:49

simply different between people

19:51

with social anxiety and people

19:54

with scripophobia and

19:56

people without it, and those neural

19:58

mechanisms are caused by

20:01

both genetics and our

20:03

environment. But I think it's important

20:05

that we acknowledge the neural and biological mechanisms

20:07

controlling this fear at the very

20:10

top of this, because especially

20:12

when maybe we encounter someone who

20:14

just doesn't quite understand where

20:16

our fear comes from, they

20:19

really need to know, and I hope that they do know

20:21

that a lot of it is not really within

20:24

our choice. It's not

20:26

something that we have opted into.

20:29

Actually, it's the way that we are built. It's

20:31

why we also kind of see people who

20:34

care so little about others' opinions

20:36

and they possess zero self

20:39

awareness because they don't have that

20:41

same neural makeup

20:43

and that those same kind of cross

20:46

activations between different regions of their

20:48

brains. That mean, when they see a

20:50

social situation, when they see

20:52

the potential for being judged, their

20:54

fear centers kind of light up. They are hyper

20:56

aware there is none of that

20:58

going on. And it's kind of like

21:01

the opposite side of the coin here, like

21:03

it's equally as confronting to

21:06

see someone who genuinely doesn't

21:09

care to a fault. But

21:11

scopophobia can also arise

21:13

from something really upsetting

21:16

or traumatic that has happened at some point in your

21:18

life, especially during childhood,

21:21

especially around bullying, exclusion,

21:24

isolation, public humiliation. Those

21:27

events and situations can be

21:29

actually quite shocking and

21:32

very intense, and so they leave

21:34

a lifelong imprint and they cause

21:36

behavioral and emotional changes. Actually,

21:39

in some forty to sixty percent of cases

21:41

of scopophobia, people

21:44

are able to trace their fear back

21:47

to a catalyst event or a

21:49

specific time in their lives

21:51

when they were really going through

21:53

it, when they were really socially

21:56

ostracized or isolated.

22:00

Situations can make us increasingly

22:02

hyper aware, firstly of how

22:04

others see us, because we're trying

22:07

to anticipate a situation where

22:09

our biggest fears could be realized. Again,

22:12

we already know what this feels like. We didn't

22:14

like it, and so we try and avoid

22:17

anything that reminds us of a previous

22:20

time when we were judged, when

22:22

we were bullied, when we were excluded. And

22:24

I do want to highlight bullying as an example

22:26

here because it's definitely one that

22:29

resonates with me a lot, as like a kid who

22:31

was bullied. I know, I always say that I

22:34

think children like that actually end up becoming

22:36

quite interesting people because they learn

22:38

to not I guess,

22:41

not rely on the external validation of others.

22:43

But it can also make us go the

22:46

complete opposite way, where

22:49

that external validation of others becomes

22:51

all we can think about. If

22:53

you went through childhood knowing what it felt

22:55

like to be teased constantly, to have

22:57

those whispers kind of follow you around on

23:00

in person, and then you tried

23:02

your hardest to avoid

23:04

that experience by wearing the clothes that made

23:07

you fit in, by staying out of

23:09

the way, by appeasing your bullies, and

23:12

still finding

23:14

that you couldn't escape it. That

23:16

pain is not something that you

23:19

easily forget, and so even as you age,

23:22

it doesn't go away. Memories

23:24

like that are interesting because from an evolutionary

23:26

perspective, they're meant to help us,

23:28

but they also contribute to trauma and PTSD,

23:32

and in a paper published in twenty eleven,

23:34

research has showed that harmful painful

23:37

memories typically actually

23:39

have greater recall than

23:41

positive memories from around the same

23:43

time. So it's not like you can

23:45

just forget and move on. That's like saying, oh,

23:48

can you please forget what your best friend's

23:50

name is? Can you forget what your first day

23:52

of school was like? Can you forget your graduation?

23:55

Can you forget the many times that you didn't feel

23:57

like you belong? Can you forget the way that people's

23:59

judge made you feel? Of course

24:02

we can't. It's ingrained in us.

24:04

It's a permanent kind of fixture

24:07

of our past and in some ways, of our

24:09

identity. The behaviors

24:11

surrounding our fear of being

24:14

perceived, scrutinized, judged are

24:17

actually based on this understanding.

24:19

They become defensive based on

24:21

previous experiences. The

24:24

possibility of going through that situation once more

24:26

is so confronting that we learn what we

24:28

need to do to avoid it from happening, and

24:30

often how we avoid it from happening

24:33

is to just avoid social

24:37

situations. We've kind of already

24:39

talked about how that can

24:41

sustain this fear of being perceived

24:43

even longer. But you know, if it's

24:46

all you're trying to do to survive, if

24:49

it makes you feel better in the moment, sometimes

24:52

it's hard not to do those things. It's hard

24:54

not to you know, both

24:56

deeply crave social approval and also

24:59

be deeply terrified of it.

25:02

I hope that explanation makes some sense. I

25:04

also read a really fascinating article from disability

25:07

rights activist that people with

25:09

physical disabilities are also more likely

25:11

to have a deep rooted fear of being perceived

25:14

because of again past experiences

25:16

of being mocked, being pointed

25:18

at, feeling those eyes on them in public

25:21

wherever they go, that constant recognition

25:25

that you're being watched or that people have these

25:27

private thoughts about you. I just that

25:30

would be so much

25:32

to manage. It would just be exhausting

25:34

and very very loud. The

25:37

final thing that we have to briefly

25:39

discuss here is actually

25:42

perfectionism, which you may be surprised

25:44

to hear it come up in this

25:46

kind of episode. But what we know about

25:49

the fear of being perceived and what we know about

25:51

perfectionism actually confirms

25:53

that they are related in some very intuitive

25:55

ways. Perfectionist

25:58

set extremely high

26:00

standards for themselves, and

26:02

they are often preoccupied with avoiding

26:05

mistakes, either social in nature,

26:07

maybe academic, whatever

26:09

it is that they are primarily fixated

26:12

on. But this also causes

26:14

them to become quite obsessed by

26:17

flaws or imperfections that

26:19

they believe will be noticed and criticized

26:21

by others. The desire

26:24

to appear perfect can create

26:26

a very intense anxiety

26:29

about being in the spotlight,

26:31

even if being in the spotlight is just

26:33

being around other people, feeling

26:36

like their eyes are on you, feeling like

26:39

you have their attention, feeling

26:41

like they are going to find that

26:44

thing that you already know is

26:46

wrong with you. Actually,

26:48

this really interesting article published

26:51

in Psychology Today, which I feel

26:53

like by now you guys know, is my favorite place

26:55

for sources on this. Actually

26:57

it was published earlier this year, and

26:59

it he notes that a fear of judgment

27:01

or disapproval from others is actually

27:04

the primary contributing factor to

27:06

people managing perfectionism and

27:08

it's also one of the primary contributing

27:10

factors to people with scopophobia.

27:13

So in terms of, like if you were to make

27:16

an organizational chart or I guess,

27:18

like a way of categorizing

27:21

different things that we can be going

27:23

through mentally, different fears, different conditions,

27:26

different whatever. Scopophobia

27:28

and perfectionism and

27:30

a fear of judgment, all of those three things

27:33

sit very very closely

27:35

together. They're probably only delineated

27:38

by like a few percentiles.

27:41

Let's take a step back, though, because we've

27:43

kind of been circling around this question

27:46

for the entire episode. But

27:48

why does it even really matter? Why

27:51

do people's opinions really

27:53

matter? And I know we talked about social disapproval,

27:56

I know, we talked about belonging. I know we talked about perfectionism,

27:58

about rejection, But truly,

28:02

how life changing is the opinion of someone we

28:04

may never speak to again. How

28:06

life changing is that? What

28:08

does that really have to do with us? How

28:11

is that really going to hurt us? What is

28:13

it about those judgments that feel so important

28:15

to us? Because you know, if you wouldn't invite

28:18

someone into your house, why

28:20

do we let them into our head? The

28:22

burden of this sphere is kind of thrust

28:25

so heavily onto us. Whilst

28:27

the people who you know are

28:29

judging us, maybe not judging us, they

28:32

kind of just get to go along their merry way. They

28:34

never know what we're feeling, what we're changing,

28:37

how we're hiding to be less seen. And

28:40

it's costing you your life. And

28:42

when I say your life, I mean it's

28:44

costing you your freedom, your potential,

28:46

it's costing you joy, relationships,

28:49

opportunities, even if it's not something

28:51

that you're consciously choosing. So

28:53

what we really need to discuss is how

28:55

we can break through that wall that

28:58

is keeping us separated. I'm a confident,

29:01

self assured, liberated

29:03

life where the opinions of others

29:05

kind of glide off us. They don't take up as

29:07

much mental real estate. And I really

29:09

want to help you with that. So I'm going

29:11

to give you three powerful exercises

29:14

and mental shifts that you can try today

29:17

to overcome your fear of being perceived.

29:21

After this shortbreak, stay with us.

29:28

Our fear of being perceived is built on a

29:30

foundation of irrational thoughts.

29:33

As most anxious patterns

29:35

are. The irrational thoughts associated

29:37

with our scopophobia sound like this,

29:40

Everyone is constantly judging me. People

29:43

will remember every awkward thing that

29:45

I do. If they don't like me,

29:48

my life is over. If they don't think

29:50

I'm funny, charming, good looking,

29:53

they'll tell everyone and I'll lose all my friends.

29:55

If these people at the party judge me, no

29:58

one will speak to me anymore. These

30:01

beliefs have probably helped you

30:03

in the past stay away

30:05

from situations that you thought were threatening

30:08

or made you uncomfortable. But now

30:11

they're just not useful anymore. And

30:13

you know that because you're listening to this episode.

30:16

The easiest way to deal with anxious

30:18

thoughts like these is not

30:21

to try and suppress them, ignore

30:23

them, or even overthink your way

30:25

out of them. It's to play the game,

30:28

the game of hypothetical

30:30

that your anxiety is so great at

30:32

every time you think that someone is judging

30:35

you tell yourself that they are

30:37

actually admiring you, because

30:40

why can't that be the case? What

30:42

makes either of those scenarios

30:44

more likely than the other. The

30:46

fear based scenario feels more likely

30:49

because we're used to thinking that it's true.

30:52

But is it? You know? You might

30:54

think, well, based on past experiences, it is,

30:57

But how many more times have

30:59

people been able to perceive you and

31:02

really loved your outfit or thought that you were really

31:05

interesting, or loved your

31:07

smile and just not said anything. How

31:09

many more times have people just not

31:12

noticed you at all, never

31:14

thought about you again, the same way

31:16

that you have noticed people or not

31:18

noticed people and never thought about them again.

31:21

There is this idea in

31:23

psychology that we pay more

31:25

attention to the situations that already

31:28

confirm bias. For us, the

31:30

bias and this situation is everyone

31:33

is judging me, but it actually

31:35

means that we don't see the full spectrum

31:37

of all the other times, and that hasn't been the

31:39

case. It doesn't matter you

31:42

know whether that person is judging

31:44

you or not. If you get into the habit

31:47

of playing mind games. With your mind games,

31:49

it can be as simple as hearing that

31:51

thought pop up, visualizing it and having a laugh

31:53

at yourself, like that's

31:56

so funny, What a funny piece of false

31:58

news. My brain is trying to tell me. I

32:00

have no evidence to suggest that in this

32:02

moment that person is judging me more

32:04

than they are admiring me, more than they think

32:06

that I am cool or funny or lovely.

32:09

So that is our first mental shift recognizing

32:12

that you may think you know what's running

32:14

through someone's head, but maybe you don't.

32:17

And as always, quite frankly, it's none

32:19

of your business. That's their problem.

32:22

And what kind of a sad, frustrating life

32:24

it would be if this person were

32:27

to be judging you, not really knowing

32:29

you, and if for their whole life all

32:31

they do is just see the worst in someone, If

32:34

that is what that person's reality is, how

32:37

miserable would that be? How

32:40

just plain dark to

32:42

see someone existing and to just have

32:45

your mind immediately find something

32:47

to scrutinize. What I'm trying

32:49

to get at is that it says a

32:51

lot more about them, and they have a lot of bigger

32:54

things to worry about than what you may

32:56

or may not be doing, because their

33:00

their head is probably a really dark, insecure

33:02

place, and what a sad

33:04

reality for them. I also

33:06

find it useful, if I'm still

33:08

being met with the persistent

33:11

thought that they're judging me, that they don't

33:13

like me, to instead give

33:15

that to just kind of look at

33:17

that hypothetical assessment and

33:21

instead of being like, I'm going to internalize

33:25

their potential hatred of

33:27

me, their potential disgust

33:29

or embarrassment of me. I'm going to

33:31

assume that that's what they're feeling and

33:34

that's fine, and then I'm

33:36

just going to flood them with unconditional

33:38

love. In my mind, I'm

33:40

going to look at this person, I'm

33:43

going to perceive think about this person,

33:45

and I'm just going to imagine just

33:48

shooting, like just literally covering

33:51

them in this big blanket

33:53

of empathy and love from

33:56

me. And it really does help you

33:58

be like, I don't know, I guess

34:01

in my mind, I'm just like, it helps you see

34:04

that this person might be thinking the worst in you and still

34:07

going beyond not caring, being

34:10

so defiant, that you still

34:12

decide to give them love, and

34:14

you still decide to give them empathy

34:17

for what they're going through. And that act

34:20

of being the bigger person makes

34:23

you realize that this person is not

34:25

inherently better than

34:27

you, not inherently doesn't

34:30

inherently know more than you, their opinion

34:32

doesn't inherently mean

34:34

more than yours because you're still here

34:37

showing this great generous

34:39

gift of loving them, despite

34:42

the fact that they could be really

34:44

cruel to you in their mind. If

34:47

that isn't working, I have another mental

34:49

shift of view, and it's called the

34:51

yes and shift, and no

34:54

it's not the Arianagrande song, but

34:56

honestly, it's kind of a similar theme. The

34:58

thing about anxious thought is that they feel

35:01

quite real because they are

35:03

like almost identical to a real

35:05

fear, but they're incomplete,

35:08

they aren't fully formed, and that's

35:11

what causes them to feel so

35:13

scary. This is the example

35:16

I always give. It's like if you were to walk into

35:18

a house and it

35:20

looks like a house from the outside, but the

35:22

kitchen and the bedroom had no walls. You'd

35:25

feel really exposed in a house

35:27

like that. And the same goes for an

35:29

anxious thought. When you walk

35:31

into an anxious thought and it's not entirely

35:33

complete or real, you feel

35:36

exposed to the possibilities

35:38

that could fill those gaps, like being

35:41

ostracized, being criticized.

35:44

Here's how we overcome that. We overcome

35:46

that by filling in those gaps

35:48

ourselves before we let our anxiety

35:50

do it for us, using our

35:52

yes and method. So, say

35:54

you're at a party and you think someone is smirking at you

35:57

or your behavior, or cringing at you talking

35:59

to their friends about you. In your brain,

36:01

everything is probably a light and alive and

36:03

rushing and scary and freaky,

36:06

and you're probably thinking, they don't like me. Now,

36:09

what I want you to do here is except that, yeah,

36:12

maybe they don't like you. And then I want

36:14

you to add an end onto that sentence,

36:17

they don't like me, and I'll

36:19

be okay anyways. They

36:21

don't like me, and I

36:23

know my friends love me, so I'm not too fussed by

36:26

that they don't like me, and

36:28

I'll never see them again, so really

36:31

that's fine by me. Don't

36:34

let your fear grab

36:36

onto that emptiness, that unknown

36:39

space, that uncertainty, and

36:41

spiral, because if you let your fear

36:44

take over the end, it will sound

36:46

something like they don't like me, and that

36:48

means that everyone at this party doesn't like

36:50

me, and that means that maybe I should leave.

36:53

So you kind of get where that ends up taking

36:55

you. It takes you into a place of

36:57

withdrawal and isolation. Mean you

37:00

never face the fear. But what we really

37:02

need to do is condition our mind

37:04

to make peace with our fear of being perceived

37:07

by replacing the worst case scenario

37:10

that we so quickly jump

37:12

to with a reaffirming statement

37:14

or conclusion that really builds

37:17

us up that decenters the

37:19

opinion of this other person, and

37:21

that makes us feel confident in

37:23

whatever circumstance is about to occur. Our

37:27

final mental shift that we're going to discuss,

37:30

I've come to call the mastery shift, and

37:32

it's based on principles of exposure

37:35

therapy that are very often used

37:37

to desensitize people with

37:40

phobia from their fears, and it's used for things like

37:42

a fear of snakes, a fear of planes, fear

37:44

of bees, and we can use

37:46

it for a fear of being perceived.

37:49

So this is what I want you to do. I

37:52

want you to make a list of ten things

37:55

that your fear of being perceived is

37:58

preventing you from doing. And

38:00

I want you to order that list from the

38:02

thing that you are most afraid to do, that

38:05

you cannot even imagine doing in a

38:07

million years, to the thing

38:09

you feel a little bit worried

38:11

about but you could try tomorrow

38:13

with enough support, with enough affirmations,

38:17

with a really good dose of confidence. So

38:19

I'll give you some examples of what could be on that list,

38:22

Starting really small. It could be recording

38:25

like a short video of yourself talking

38:28

about a topic and watching it

38:30

back. It could be posting something you really want to

38:32

post on social media on a private

38:34

account, Wearing an outfit that's

38:36

bright or more out there than usual on public

38:39

transport, wearing

38:41

something that you know that you're shy to wear, Offering

38:43

to give a small speech at a friend's birthday,

38:46

planning an event where you're going to be the center of attention,

38:48

like a birthday party, going up

38:50

to a group at a party

38:53

who you don't know, and introducing yourself,

38:55

doing a huge presentation

38:57

at work. What we want to do is

38:59

to small start with those

39:02

really small things, like posting

39:04

something on a private Instagram, even

39:06

if it's like for twenty four hours, post a story,

39:09

post a story to your close friends, just something

39:12

really really small. Wear that outfit

39:14

where like the thing that you would never wear,

39:17

and once you can get through that

39:19

situation without feeling

39:22

truly ghastly or anxious,

39:25

you move on to the next. We

39:27

want to build up your tolerance

39:29

basically to being seen,

39:32

maybe being heard, being watched, perhaps

39:35

even being judged. By showing

39:37

you that a rarely is the worst

39:39

case scenario going to be the

39:41

one that happens b even

39:43

if it is repeat after me,

39:46

you will be okay. You will

39:48

be okay, And finally,

39:51

it starts to show you the possibility of

39:54

a life without the fear of

39:56

being perceived being the only

39:58

thing that is motivating you. Finally,

40:01

in one bonus shift

40:04

that has helped me immenseally in the past few years.

40:07

They didn't really have a name for let's call it the

40:09

ideal self to shift is

40:11

really focused on tuning into what do you actually

40:14

want? I think one of the consequences

40:16

of a fear of being perceived that we haven't spoken

40:19

about is that we are always

40:21

thinking about how to be less

40:23

offensive to others, what they

40:26

might expect from us, how to make us

40:28

likable based on their tastes, their

40:31

views, their ideals. It's hugely

40:34

aligned with people pleasing, but it

40:36

also disconnects us from what we need ourselves

40:38

and who we want to be because it's all about

40:40

making others happy. Deprioritize

40:43

the thoughts of others, just for five minutes. What

40:47

do you think about yourself? What

40:49

do you think about yourself? And is that good

40:51

enough for you such that

40:53

in five years time you would

40:56

be okay with still

40:58

being this version of you. I

41:00

really want you to

41:03

sit with that for a second. If

41:06

no one else was around, who

41:08

would you be, would

41:10

you like this version of you? How would

41:13

you dress? How would you go about your daily life?

41:15

What is your potential? And

41:17

what's stopping you from being those things?

41:20

Right now now, I want

41:22

you to think about what things you'd like to

41:24

change, and I want you

41:26

to kind of decide which

41:29

of those things that you are hell bent on changing

41:31

or you think would make you happy are

41:33

based on what you think other

41:36

people expect from you and what

41:38

you need to change for their approval. And

41:41

then I also want you to acknowledge what

41:43

you want to change because you want to What

41:46

do you want to change for your life? The

41:48

life that is yours? And

41:51

when you look at those two columns

41:54

of things that you feel you need to change

41:56

or you need to be, and you see the things that

41:58

you feel you need to be for others, and you see

42:00

the things that you feel the need to be and you want to

42:02

be for yourself. Any time

42:05

you find yourself focusing

42:07

too much on that left hand column, I

42:09

want you to shift back

42:12

to the right concentrate

42:14

all of your energy on that second column.

42:17

What I want for me, the life

42:19

I want for me, the person

42:21

I can become with that this fear and

42:24

keep it as a reminder for when you're worrying

42:26

or obsessing over what someone

42:29

does or doesn't think about you. Because

42:31

you are the center of all your experiences, of

42:34

your whole universe. You're the one

42:36

that matters here, and I want you to

42:38

be fiercely devoted to being your

42:40

truest self, even if it feels

42:43

selfish or like you're disappointing others.

42:45

This is a muscle. Healing from

42:48

our fear of being perceived is

42:50

a muscle. It's a skill, and

42:52

it's one of the greatest skills we can learn because

42:54

it will transform your life.

42:57

Please hear me when I say this. It's hard,

42:59

it feels on natural when you have been

43:01

in this fearful state for so long,

43:04

but just the

43:06

sense of freedom that you're

43:08

one day going to have makes

43:10

it so worth it. I really don't think

43:12

that you need to be

43:14

this fearful for the rest of your life, even

43:17

if you feel like right now this

43:19

fear is protecting you, or that it's useful

43:21

or it's helpful. I think you kind

43:24

of know that it's no longer the case because

43:26

you're here and you're listening to this episode

43:29

and you want to change your life, and I think

43:31

that that is something that once you are committed

43:33

to, once you deprioritize

43:35

the opinions of others, once you find

43:38

the mental shift, the mental

43:40

game that works for you,

43:43

it all becomes possible. So thank

43:45

you so much for listening to today's episode.

43:48

I do really hope that you enjoyed it. I hope

43:50

that you learned something. I hope that you can take something

43:52

away. I hope that you can get

43:54

rid of your fear of being perceived, you can toss

43:56

it out, that you can just look

43:58

at other people as just other people doing

44:01

their own thing the same way that you're doing your

44:03

own thing, and really do

44:06

the things, do the adventures, do the experiences

44:09

that scare you and that have always

44:11

scared you because of what others might think, and hopefully

44:14

now you don't care. So if there

44:16

is someone that you know who you think might

44:18

need to hear this episode, please feel

44:20

free to share it with them, Share it online,

44:22

share it on Instagram. You can also DM

44:25

me if you have additional thoughts, feelings,

44:28

I don't know, hypotheticals, you can

44:30

DM me at that psychology podcast.

44:32

We're also taking episode suggestions

44:34

at the moment, and make sure that you are following

44:36

along on Spotify or Apple and

44:39

give us a five star review if you enjoyed this episode.

44:42

Until next time, stay gentle, be kind

44:45

to yourself, and we will be talking

44:47

very very soon.