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silhouettes, and thoughtfully cry. Hi,

1:06

everyone. You're interrupting our chat or are

1:08

we interrupting your chat? Hello, hello,

1:10

hello, beautiful people. Welcome to... the hell?

1:12

Was that you? Yeah. That

1:15

was that was a premature. Oh

1:18

my god.

1:23

I did not know where that came

1:25

from. Hi, hi, hi, everyone and

1:27

welcome to another episode of the receipts podcast.

1:32

Welcome, welcome,

1:34

welcome to all the energy in

1:36

here guys. Let's go. Let's

1:39

be having it. Let's fucking have

1:41

it. And just call me Audrey.

1:46

It's not mad early. It

1:48

is not mad early. In my mind,

1:50

I was thinking it was super

1:52

early. I'm so an autopilot coming like

1:54

not necessarily here, but here. what

1:56

I mean? And then I was like, oh

1:59

my God. No, it's the afternoon later than what

2:01

we normally record. So everyone has got

2:03

a bit of life in them. So

2:05

whilst we are energized. Feeling

2:07

good, feeling funky and feeling fresh. Let's go

2:09

straight into it. Let's go. any breaking news

2:11

you'd like to announce? No, unfortunately

2:13

not. No breaking news. I really wanted there

2:15

to be something then. I know

2:17

there was nothing. I know the deep sigh

2:19

was for nothing. I'm so sorry. No, no,

2:21

nothing. Sweet life is good. We can go

2:24

straight to you lots, Dilemmas. This is an

2:26

episode of Your Overseas, where we like to

2:28

help you guys through this thing called life.

2:30

We read your dilemmas, we try to answer

2:32

it. And other people also

2:34

try to answer it in pitch

2:36

-ins. Hopefully someone gives you advice that's

2:38

worth taking. And they're real

2:40

dilemmas. They are not

2:42

from Reddit. That's

2:45

going to be my little disdain every week now. I

2:47

have to separate

2:49

the wheat from the chaff. Is that the saying,

2:51

wheat from the chaff? Yeah. OK, that's all.

2:54

So does chaff mean strong? I

2:56

guess so. We'll use it later.

2:58

Me either. Yeah, I'm not too sure. Oh,

3:01

the... That saying makes absolutely no sense. The

3:03

wheat from the chaff. Weak.

3:08

Why would we... You're lying to

3:10

me! I'm lying to me. It's not

3:12

weak. It's not weak. I

3:15

said weak because I genuinely thought it was weak

3:17

because it was out of time. Apparently it's wheat

3:19

and chaff. Oh, God. You separate the wheat from

3:21

the chaff. I thought it was weak. Thank God

3:23

I've got an SXX. Me

3:25

too. My whole entire life. That's why I

3:27

said it with such chess. There are so

3:29

many things that I'm so happy that I

3:31

said indoors and outdoors. I'm saying this in

3:33

the world. We're a family here, right?

3:37

Do you know what I didn't know? I thought

3:39

it was brick and water. Bricks

3:41

and water? No, it's brick and mortar. Wait,

3:43

what? It's

3:45

not water. It's not even mortar,

3:47

it's water. It's brick and water.

3:49

So when we're talking about bricks and

3:51

water, like houses, it's mortar.

3:54

Sorry. Exactly. It's what

3:56

you put on. Do you know that little grey thing you put on

3:58

a brick to layer it up? I thought you needed water to build

4:00

a house as well. Who would have known? I

4:02

did not know this. Who would have guessed it?

4:04

I just used phrases incorrectly then consistently. But also

4:06

it shows you when you learn them. There's a

4:08

difference between if you read a phrase or if

4:10

you heard someone say it. Which is what it

4:12

is and that's how people learn languages. You can

4:14

tell when people have learned a language by reading

4:16

it or they've learned it by hearing people say

4:18

it. So because you've heard people say it, it

4:20

sounds like water so you just had water in

4:22

it. Because if you had read it, you would

4:24

have taken what the actual thing was. I'm so dumb

4:27

because I just thought chaff just meant strong. I

4:29

just it was like an old English

4:31

word for strong. This is why it's

4:33

good to ask questions. But chaff doesn't

4:35

sound strong. It doesn't give strength. The

4:38

onomatopoeia is not there. No, but onomatopoeia is

4:40

not even that, is it? Each word is it?

4:42

It's a word that sounds like they mean... Oh, it is.

4:44

That is right then. That's not

4:47

onomatopoeic. Oh. Is that

4:49

right? I Spelling? Yeah. Oh

4:51

my God. Do you know that I

4:53

use smarter than a 10 year old, right? Oh

4:55

my God. A 10 year old will wipe me clean.

4:57

Yes. They will wipe the floor

4:59

from me from smarts, especially when it

5:01

comes to spelling. Maths is me.

5:03

Because now phones, now auto correct things,

5:05

right? I don't actually have to really think

5:07

about how to spell anything because it

5:09

will just auto correct it. But there are

5:12

sometimes that I spell a word so

5:14

wrong. Yeah,

5:16

exactly. She has a red lion. She's like,

5:18

what is this? does this mean? Like, what exactly

5:20

are you saying? I'm like, oh, can't you

5:22

figure it out? Yeah. But apparently not. Exactly. Anyway,

5:24

enough of an English lesson from us. That

5:26

is mad. We should get some kind of English

5:28

teacher. Yeah. Do know what I'm fascinated? I'm

5:31

fascinated by accents. OK. And so I really

5:33

want to speak to the one who is like a... I

5:35

don't know, historian in accents or something

5:37

like that. I started researching someone who's

5:40

a historian in the Pentecostal church. Oh,

5:42

okay. That's a good back to know

5:44

about. So did you know the

5:46

Pentecostal church, why it spreads so far

5:48

and wide? Fun fact is that In the

5:50

Pentecostal church, when they were speaking in

5:52

tongues, right, they didn't see, they initially didn't

5:54

interpret that as a spiritual thing. They

5:56

thought they were speaking another language. So let's

5:58

say they're speaking in tongues, it's like, oh,

6:00

this sounds like I'm speaking Yoruba. This sounds

6:02

like I'm speaking Chinese. So that means God is

6:04

telling me that I need to go to

6:06

that country and evangelize. So

6:08

they go there, thinking about that they're not actually

6:11

speaking that language, but they're there already, so they still

6:13

do the work. That's why Pentecostal is one of

6:15

the churches that spread so far and wide. Also the

6:17

fact that it's more, it feels more

6:19

fun. Right, it's like as people

6:21

are giving, it can be quite a motivational speaker.

6:23

Yeah, very so. But I thought that was

6:25

fascinating. That is fascinating. So they were speaking in

6:27

tongues like, oh, that sounds like Chinese. I'm

6:29

going go to China to evangelise there. Well, that

6:31

sounds like Ibo, I'm going go to Nigeria

6:34

and evangelise there. And imagine people got on boats.

6:37

And to evangelise. People travelled far and

6:39

wide. People travelled far and wide preach the

6:41

Lord's work. The ones who I

6:43

would like to stop, God forgive me, God forgive

6:45

me, forgive me. They're men at

6:47

Oxford Street. Which one's the

6:49

kids? Yeah, I'm going to hell! You

6:51

did it, did it, but no! I'm

6:53

like, yo! That's not

6:55

that inviting, it? Yeah, that's

6:57

not that inviting. going to hell. And

6:59

they're screaming into a mic. I

7:02

don't know if they're actually doing

7:04

anything, but I feel like there's

7:06

other ways to do this. Yeah, definitely. I

7:08

don't feel necessarily invited. Exactly.

7:11

But that

7:14

style of

7:16

preaching, but... rate anybody

7:18

that gets on the streets to do

7:20

the hard work. I think evangelising is like...

7:22

I rate it highly. To get on

7:24

the streets, use your good spare time to

7:26

do that, and to speak to strangers

7:28

who are just not, you know, we're not welcoming, especially

7:30

in this London, everyone's busy and in a bad

7:32

mood. To do that, you're really dedicated. And

7:34

I feel that way about buskers. Like, B Oscars

7:36

are the real singers. Sorry, give those people their

7:39

flowers. If you were really genuinely passionate about singing,

7:41

you will go on the streets and sing anywhere.

7:43

You don't care who hears you, so long as

7:45

you have an audience. Obviously, if you can get

7:47

a couple coin on the side, literally, then

7:49

now they've got tap now. They've got

7:51

tap now. There's one guy at Tottenham

7:53

Court Road. He's so good. He plays

7:55

like the electric guitar. And I always

7:58

give him a little sign, because he

8:00

is so, he's genuinely really, really good.

8:02

My most favorite bit about being in

8:04

London, all right, is that you have

8:06

gone for... after work, after whatever. And

8:09

you're that nice tipsy. And like you've called it

8:11

a night at a good time because you still

8:13

get the train home. And you and your friend,

8:15

you just happen to be going on the same

8:17

platform and you're walking together and there's a busker

8:19

who's singing a banger. And you're both

8:21

kind of like... And you start dancing. And then

8:23

a tonne of a do -it -look dance, dance in front

8:25

of him, give him some money. And he just

8:27

like, then you hear your train. And

8:29

then you go, and it's like

8:32

such a lovely, it's like, to

8:34

be a Londoner. Exactly.

8:36

What's the Londoner song? Londoner.

8:39

Oh, I wish I was a Londoner. No. Maybe

8:42

it's because I'm a

8:44

Londoner. I feel like I do know that song.

8:46

I love London, so everybody knows that song. But

8:49

in that moment, it's almost noir

8:51

to be a Londoner. You do have

8:53

nice moments. Yeah, I do very much,

8:55

It's not always boom and doom, isn't it?

8:58

Yes, I mean mostly. But

9:00

anyway, dilemmas, dilemmas. I

9:02

will start. This is titled Please

9:04

Help. I'm addicted to dating

9:06

apps. Wait for it. While

9:08

I'm in a relationship. Oh, okay.

9:12

Okay. Hi, ladies. I'm in

9:14

a real pickle. But before I

9:16

tell you about my dilemma, I need to give

9:18

you guys thanks. Your podcast has changed my life.

9:21

You guys are always in my ears. I

9:23

have replayed so many episodes and they've become

9:25

more and more relatable as I get older

9:27

and experience life more. I don't

9:29

think you guys actually really realised the massive

9:31

impacts you both have on young black girls

9:33

like me. You validate us and make

9:35

us feel seen while also providing us

9:37

with a listening ear that many of us

9:39

don't have in our own homes. We

9:41

love you. Please never stop what you're doing.

9:43

I've paid for more years of great

9:45

and success for you and your listeners. And

9:47

congratulations on your beautiful new space. God

9:49

is great. Amen. Yes, he is. Invangelized.

9:52

You see this little too. So

9:54

to my dilemma, I'm a 23 -year -old

9:56

black girl and I've been in a

9:58

relationship with my boyfriend for five years.

10:00

Damn. I love him so much.

10:02

Five years out, 23 is... That's

10:05

long. That's

10:07

a prison sentence. Get out! Sorry,

10:09

kidding. I love him

10:12

so much. We get on so well and

10:14

he makes me very happy. However,

10:19

she asks, did you guys do it? We sure

10:21

did, baby. Our relationship is not

10:23

perfect. We have had the general bumps

10:25

in the road that come from being in

10:27

a relationship for so long. But also,

10:29

I feel like we're not sexually compatible, as

10:32

if he refuses to go down on

10:34

me. Despite me expressing this as something

10:36

I would like to experience one day. He

10:38

also smokes a lot. You don't want to

10:40

fucking laugh at this. Yeah, exactly

10:43

that. I don't. And his lifestyle isn't

10:45

exactly the type you'd go and brag to

10:47

your mum about. I'm not sure

10:49

what's going on with me, but I think

10:51

part of these reasons have led me to

10:53

downloading dating apps. Of course. You

10:58

don't have to be with him. I've

11:01

done this three times now.

11:03

Once in October, 2024. Once

11:06

in January. And again, now. Me

11:08

and my boyfriend have actually progressed a

11:10

lot since last year. Less arguments and bickering.

11:12

Yeah, because you're happy on that. Exactly.

11:15

But I still think maybe some of the

11:17

issues... haven't been changed has led me

11:19

to look elsewhere. I feel so awful

11:21

and sad to say this, but I just

11:23

enjoy feeling wanted. My boyfriend hardly

11:25

messages me during a day while I'm at

11:27

work. He never compliments me or gasses me

11:29

up while these guys on the app are

11:31

keen to get to know me. Obviously,

11:34

some just want sex, but I guess it

11:36

feels nice to be desired. Some

11:38

of them tell me they want to make me

11:40

come, which sounds like

11:42

music to my ears. Because

11:46

forget to mention. my

11:48

boyfriend has never made me orgasm

11:50

in five years. God. Go.

11:53

This sounds like hell. Freedom. When

11:55

I downloaded the app for the first time

11:57

in October 2024, I was days

11:59

away from meeting a guy. He turned out to

12:01

be an asshole, but I was actually

12:03

going to do it. I feel awful, but the

12:06

curiosity of what could have been led me

12:08

astray. I had the app again

12:10

for about two days and I keep telling

12:12

myself I'm going to delete it but there's

12:14

something so nice about meeting new guys and

12:16

feeling desired in the way that I want

12:18

to be. Apart from that one guy, I've

12:20

only given one guy my personal details. I

12:23

think it is. I don't think I want to

12:25

actually meet these guys or maybe I do. But

12:28

I know I can't do that while I'm

12:30

with my boyfriend. So leave. It

12:33

should be noted that I've only ever been with my

12:35

boyfriend where he has been around 10 sexual partners

12:37

with the same age. You guys probably think

12:39

I sound crazy, but I have accepted

12:41

the fact that I'm basically cheating and

12:43

I feel awful, disgusting at times. But

12:45

the monotony of my relationship drives me

12:47

to want something more. Guys,

12:50

please help. Am I a terrible person?

12:52

I really do love my boyfriend so much.

12:54

And when I'm not at work, I spend all

12:56

my time with him, but the feelings I

12:58

have are so conflicting and confusing. Also,

13:00

I want my pussy ate. Once

13:02

in my life, is that too much

13:04

to ask for? Will I have to sacrifice this

13:06

if I stay with my boyfriend? What

13:09

do my options look like if I stay

13:11

with my boyfriend? If you've read this far,

13:13

I appreciate literally any advice you give me.

13:15

Thank you so much. Once in life, I'm

13:17

much confused, girly. Oh, thanks.

13:19

Yeah, this feels like a no -brainer, babe. You

13:21

have to leave. Yeah, you have to not leave,

13:24

run. Don't walk, run. It's

13:26

like your insister telling you, you don't

13:28

want to be here. They're literally screaming at

13:31

you like, girl, you do not want

13:33

to be in this. You were on a

13:35

dating app talking to other guys. It's

13:37

going to take one guy with some good

13:39

chat. Some good, good chat that's going

13:41

to eventually make you think, you know what,

13:43

I'm going in. I'm all in and

13:45

you're going to cheat. Ultimately, you are cheating. Yeah,

13:47

exactly. If you love your boyfriend so much,

13:49

respect the boy and leave him, man. You guys

13:52

are not compatible. Even if it's like you

13:54

have a break and maybe in the future at

13:56

some point you get back together, you won't.

13:58

What will happen is you have a break and

14:01

your pussy will sing out loud because you're going

14:03

to be like, oh, wait, is

14:05

this what? Do you know what it is to

14:07

be like, do you know what? OK, remember

14:09

your first outing, bareback in

14:11

the world, bareback in air after COVID.

14:13

Remember that feeling? Yes, I had a

14:15

panic attack. It was so good. Remember

14:17

how free it was to bear back

14:19

the world. I'm not saying you should

14:21

go bear back sex. I'm just saying

14:23

to go out there and be free.

14:25

It's what you want. It's what you

14:27

crave. You are 23 years old. You

14:29

clearly have this desire to not be

14:31

in a relationship and you should

14:33

see to that desire. Absolutely. You don't

14:36

want to be a girlfriend? I couldn't

14:38

agree more. Do you know what it is yet? One of the

14:40

number one questions that we always get asked when we

14:42

do anything. Like, oh,

14:44

what would you tell your younger self? What would you

14:46

tell your younger self? Oh my god, I will tell her. If

14:48

you don't need that man right now, I'm gonna kill you. The

14:51

amount of times we've been asked that question,

14:53

and the number one thing I always will

14:55

say is that I wish I didn't spend

14:57

my early 20s so focused on men thinking

14:59

that I, you know, operating from a place

15:01

of scarcity, thinking that I was never gonna

15:03

get in another relationship again and blah, blah,

15:05

blah. And I'm not against young

15:07

people being in relationships. But

15:10

they have to be healthy happy ones

15:12

and fulfilling exactly like they have to

15:14

be happy healthy and fulfilling You are

15:16

none of those things nor is this

15:18

relationship healthy So I would absolutely advocate

15:20

for you to run for the hills

15:22

run towards that red light that

15:25

says freedom to freedom and beyond like you

15:27

have to leave this relationship like there's

15:29

no redeeming qualities about this relationship like you're

15:31

not sexually satisfied you're clearly bored you're

15:33

saying your boyfriend doesn't even really check in

15:35

on you on the day which is

15:37

you know that might come with compatibility

15:39

whatever but When you've got a long

15:41

list of major issues, the little things become amplified

15:43

and they become so much bigger and just so

15:45

much more annoying. So I think you owe it

15:47

to yourself and you actually owe it to him because what you're

15:49

doing is very disrespectful. And on some

15:51

levels, like emotional cheating, like when you're, because you're

15:53

checked out. And I think that when you're

15:55

checked out of a relationship, it is, it is

15:57

very dangerous to the point where like, you've

16:00

convinced yourself that all things are getting better.

16:02

But like Tully said, it's because you're Happy

16:05

on the app, you're happy on the app. Once you

16:07

get off the apps again, you're going to be like,

16:09

you hate this man again. Exactly. If

16:11

you give those apps up, thinking

16:13

that you want to work on this relationship, you're going

16:15

to hate him even more and you're going to

16:17

download those things. And you know, there's a difference

16:19

between removing up and deleting. I think you're going

16:21

to just delete the app. I don't think you're

16:23

going to remove it. What you

16:25

need to do is dump your boyfriend and

16:28

get all the apps. Be

16:31

for real. You don't want to be in

16:33

this relationship. And I think you're in it because

16:35

it's been five years. It's the right thing

16:37

to do. And yeah, you do love him. I'm

16:39

not taking that away from you, but you

16:41

probably do love him, but you don't want to

16:43

be there anymore. And that's actually okay. And

16:45

love is not enough in a relationship. As

16:47

I've gotten older, I've realized it's, of course,

16:49

it's a massive component, but it's not enough. You

16:51

need other things. And,

16:53

you know, he's not prepared to please you sexually. And also,

16:55

do you love him because he's just always been there?

16:58

Yeah. Do you know sometimes you're like... I don't think she's

17:00

in love him. Yeah, yeah, but you love him because

17:02

this person's always been there. It's one of them, oh, do

17:04

you love him? Of course I love you. Like, of

17:06

course. Exactly. Of course I love you. But it's just because,

17:08

like, you've always been around. I assume you always will

17:10

be around. So, yeah, sure. Of course I love you, but

17:12

you... don't. Like, I can't exaggerate

17:14

this enough. Young heart, run free.

17:16

Yeah. In fact, what is the

17:18

point of sharing this one and

17:20

only life? Exactly. Ending up as

17:22

someone else's lonely wife. That

17:25

lady really spoke. That lady

17:28

spoke since the 80s. She spoke life into

17:30

the young girls and we chose to

17:32

ignore her. She said young hearts will

17:34

never be brought up like my man

17:36

and me. Because she did it on

17:38

a beat that was very uplifting. Do

17:40

you know I mean? But really, those lyrics are

17:42

quite depressing. But not a true

17:44

word said. You should definitely run. You're

17:46

way too young to be stuck in this

17:48

relationship at all. Yeah, definitely. Girl, you're

17:51

cheating. I wonder what you're doing. And also, I'm not even

17:53

trying to be funny. You'll be surprised how much is actually down

17:55

to end the relationship as well. Yeah, and I might just

17:57

be hanging in there But I'm sure he's also like, oh, we've

17:59

been here for ages. Yeah, sure. Might as well. I'm

18:01

sure if you suggest like, hey, actually, should

18:03

we call this a day? Yeah, you might be

18:05

surprised by his answer. 23 is

18:07

too young to be in this...

18:09

Yeah, this sounds like a

18:11

sexless marriage of 50 years. At

18:14

23! 23,

18:16

you are a baby. I cannot stress how young

18:18

you are. Do not waste your good, good years.

18:20

Well, all your years can be good. But do

18:22

not waste your youth. on a

18:24

dead relationship. Yeah, no, get out of it. Number

18:26

one thing, run away. Yeah, yeah, yeah, no. Run. Yeah,

18:28

run, because you're already the bad guy. Run before

18:30

you're very much the bad guy. Because you're going to

18:32

cheat. Exactly. More. You cheat in, but you're going

18:34

to cheat more. Yeah, you're going to like actually go

18:36

out and physically do something. going

18:39

to cheat, cheat. That was a

18:41

no -brainer. Okay, next one. Next one. Hiya,

18:43

girly. Hello. I love the both of you and

18:45

I've been a listener for over two years now.

18:47

I love how open you both are to situations

18:49

and look at things from a non -judgmental approach. I

18:51

couldn't even say that works. That's just not true.

18:54

You'd definitely be judging. My

18:56

dilemma is my mum

18:58

cheating on my dad. You don't have

19:01

to answer this question. However, I don't know how to

19:03

go about it. For context,

19:05

I still live at home and

19:07

I'm from a strict Albanian Christian

19:09

background with married parents. Sex was

19:11

such a taboo topic and had

19:13

to be done behind everyone's back and people not

19:15

knowing. My parents always told me not to

19:17

do it and wait till marriage. Obviously, that didn't

19:19

happen to me. I have sex just behind

19:21

their back. I mean, nobody does it in their

19:23

parents' face. I promise you. We are all

19:25

fucking behind their parents' back. In recent

19:28

years, my mum has become more sexually

19:30

open, not saying it's a bad thing. She's

19:32

become... with a lot more things and

19:34

started to find herself. She now

19:36

shows more skin than usual and even chats

19:38

with men here and there. At first

19:40

it was harmless, but sometimes I'll look at

19:42

her phone and see very flirty messages. See,

19:45

lady before this could be you. My

19:49

dad constantly asked where my mum is. Recently,

19:51

I also opened the wrong Amazon parcel, which

19:53

was meant for my mum and found a dildo

19:55

in there. Mama got her

19:57

groove back. I was shocked

19:59

and didn't know whether to cry or what. Exactly.

20:03

I gave it to her and said, I

20:05

opened the box, but not inside. She

20:07

panicked and then left the house. Am

20:09

I going crazy or is something going

20:11

on? Or is this what happens when

20:13

your mum is middle aged? Any help

20:15

would be appreciated. Look,

20:18

they say, what is it? Your sexual thing,

20:20

it kind of rises when you're post 40. Apparently,

20:23

just when the men's one is dwindling, is

20:25

when the women start reaching its peak. So

20:27

it might be a case of your dad's

20:29

sex drive is dwindling a little bit, because

20:31

as they get older, their dad's dwindling, but

20:33

ours is like, gets higher. So maybe that's

20:35

what's happening right now. Hey,

20:39

at least we know she's trying to not cheat. She's

20:42

got a dildo. She tries to satisfy

20:44

herself without going to another man. Is

20:46

she flat out cheating? We'll never know.

20:48

Is she going for some version of

20:50

sexual awakening? Absolutely. Yeah, definitely. Do

20:52

you know what I always say? I'm a big proponent

20:54

for just staying out of my parents' business. At

20:57

the end the day, I get it

20:59

because sometimes when things land in your lap,

21:01

then you're forced to tackle it. But I

21:03

don't really think that this is anything for you

21:05

to be too concerned about. I wouldn't lose

21:07

sleep over it. But I get

21:09

it. Um, the flirty messages and

21:12

stuff in your mum's phone. Again, I, if

21:14

it were me, again, I don't, I'm not saying this is good

21:16

advice. I'm just saying what I would do. I'll

21:18

just be, I'll just be blind to it.

21:20

I can't lie. I just wouldn't really want to be

21:22

involved in their relationship unless your dad's come to you

21:24

and said something which you haven't said that he has. I

21:27

think your mum's just getting her groove back and she's

21:29

just finding herself and she is just in a

21:31

new era. And yeah, I

21:34

just wouldn't, yeah, it's not something I

21:36

would take on. I can't lie. There

21:38

is... if, no matter

21:40

how your mum is, there's not what

21:42

I'm like, I'm like, you know, are

21:44

you feeling about sex? I don't live

21:46

your life. Exactly. I cannot lie.

21:48

I think, I think morally too, the idea

21:50

of one of your parents cheating on your

21:52

other parents is I'm sure is incredibly painful

21:54

and not something that you want to think

21:56

about, but then don't. Yeah. Like until

21:58

I see hardcore. Honestly. Yeah, like

22:00

evidence. just not involved. The true

22:02

fish, your mum's behaviour, if you believe in television

22:04

or whatever, she probably is cheating. Like,

22:08

let's call this made -to -play. I mean, you're not a small girl. In fact,

22:10

you know she is. You know what

22:12

I'm saying? Like, nobody's a baby here. You know she is. She's

22:14

wearing less going out more. But that's all the same. Where

22:16

is she? So she's not even reporting back. She's not even lying

22:18

to him. She's just gone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She sort

22:20

of deals her and runs for good take. What

22:22

do you think she was going to do when she left the house?

22:25

Like, as you see, your mum, the likelihood is, I'm not

22:27

trying to be disrespectful, I'm sorry. The likelihood is

22:29

that your mum probably is cheating. But

22:32

now what you want to do about it is the question. Do

22:34

you know what I mean? Now what? Yeah, there's nothing that I

22:36

personally am going to do about that situation. I

22:39

would stay clear of it and just face my front and

22:41

focus on me and my life. Would you do anything about

22:43

it if your dad was cheating? No. I

22:46

don't know, I feel like I've got

22:48

allegiance to my mom. I

22:51

feel like I've got a different kind of allegiance

22:53

to my mom. My loyalty to my mom is

22:55

actually unbreakable. I could see her get, oh God,

22:57

I was gonna say, wow, this sentence. was

23:00

gonna say, I could see her getting rammed through. Oh my God, bitch.

23:02

But I mean it like, and

23:04

I would never tell. I

23:06

would never tell. Let me

23:08

see, hey dad, my

23:10

dad whispering so woman's ear, mommy. Exactly.

23:13

Mummy, please, this is why it's so, but

23:15

hey, we all have different loaties. Yeah, no,

23:17

if it were the other way round, I

23:20

might drop a couple of hints with my mum. Actually,

23:23

I don't know. No, I probably would. I

23:25

would absolutely. I probably would, I can't lie. But I just

23:27

have a different relationship with my mum, do you know what

23:29

I mean? Yeah,

23:31

with this one if that's not complaining and no

23:33

one's complaining I would just face my front I

23:35

think mom is going mum has been repressed her

23:37

whole life nothing Honestly, that's probably the danger of

23:39

being repressed sometimes She's been repressed her whole life

23:41

because when like you don't have freedom and then

23:44

you have it you start acting mad Yeah, like

23:46

it's like you've never been outside before you're just

23:48

so excited to be outside. So I think that's

23:50

what it is but like The

23:52

answer probably is yes. You just kind of figure out what

23:54

it is that you want to do with it. Like, take

23:56

the clues. Yeah. The answer is probably yes. I don't think

23:58

you need to flat out ask unless you have that kind

24:00

of relationship or also if you have the same

24:02

loyalty to your parents and you feel like, no,

24:04

this is wrong because it is. and

24:07

you want to call your mum out for it, then be like,

24:09

mum, I've noticed that you've been doing this. She'll be mortified and

24:11

probably deny it. But it's up to you if you want to

24:13

go that way. Yeah, you might just want to be like, you

24:15

might want to rein it in because... It's obvious. obvious.

24:17

And just leave it at that. Leave it at

24:19

that and keep moving. And maybe there is something in

24:21

her knowing that someone as clock said that will

24:24

make her feel shamed and stop as well. Because cheating

24:26

is bad. Yeah, cheating is bad. Cheating is bad.

24:28

Bad people cheat. Okay.

24:32

Hi ladies, I absolutely love the podcast.

24:34

Thank you for creating a space where

24:37

we can speak our truth, laugh, cry

24:39

and feel seen. I'm writing because I'm

24:41

in a bit of an emotional nut

24:43

that is in K and OT and

24:45

would really value your perspective. I've

24:47

been with my boyfriend for five years and

24:49

I love him deeply. He's a good

24:51

man in many ways, but there's something

24:53

in our dynamic that's been weighing on me

24:55

for a long time. He

24:57

recently expressed that he wants to start

24:59

posting more publicly on Instagram. She's

25:03

mainly for business reasons. He says it's part

25:05

of building his band and being the face

25:07

of his work. At first I was really

25:09

hesitant of the idea and I thought it

25:11

was because I just didn't like the idea

25:13

of men posting too much or being out

25:15

there. But the more I sit with

25:17

it, the more I realise it's not really about

25:19

the posting. It's about the fact that I

25:21

don't feel emotionally safe in our relationship when it

25:24

comes to social media. He follows

25:26

a lot of women he doesn't know and

25:28

when I told him it makes me

25:30

feel uncomfortable or ask him to unfollow a

25:32

few he gets defensive. He always

25:34

has a reason to keep following them

25:36

usually because they have mutuals but to

25:38

me it feels like he's unwilling to

25:40

make even a small sacrifice to make

25:42

me feel secure. This has left me feeling

25:44

like I'm not truly being chosen and now

25:46

the idea of him posting publicly on top of

25:49

all of that just feels like another thing

25:51

I have to emotionally embrace myself for. It's not

25:53

that I don't want him to succeed or

25:55

show up for his business. I just wish he

25:57

would show up for me more with the

25:59

same energy. I try to communicate

26:01

this, but I often end up

26:03

feeling like I'm being too much or asking for

26:05

too much. But at the core of it, I

26:07

just want to feel prioritised, considered and protected. I

26:10

want to know that if something is hurting

26:12

me, he'll do what he can to ease that

26:14

hurt, even if it's as simple as unfollowing

26:16

people who don't really matter in the grand scheme

26:18

of things. Am I being unreasonable? How do

26:20

I honor my feelings with that coming off controlling?

26:23

And how do I ask for what I

26:25

need with that consistently feeling like

26:27

I'm the only one compromising? Thank you

26:29

for listening. I appreciate you all

26:31

so much. Do you

26:33

know what I do think? Um, I think you've

26:35

hit the nail on the head and I'm glad

26:37

that you identified what the actual root problem is.

26:39

Do you know I mean? And she said, you

26:42

know, it's not about the actual posting. It's about

26:44

the fact that you don't feel secure in your

26:46

relationship. And I feel like that sounds very fair.

26:48

Like, and ordinarily,

26:50

because it's not necessarily my hill, like I'm

26:52

trying to do better with being a car

26:54

wouldn't bother me to therefore it shouldn't bother

26:56

you because everyone has their thing. what I

26:58

mean? But I think this feels very valid

27:00

in the sense that like, it's like a

27:02

wider issue in that he doesn't. Like everybody

27:05

wants to know that your partner is

27:07

going out of their way a little bit

27:09

to make you feel comfortable or to make

27:11

you feel happy or to just compromise because

27:13

that's what relationships are. Ultimately, they're one big compromise.

27:16

So for me, that would be

27:18

an issue because I've raised something.

27:21

and you're flagrantly going against what I've

27:23

asked of you to do. And in

27:25

the grand scheme of things, it's really

27:27

nothing. Do you know I mean? Unfollowing

27:30

a bunch of random girls that mean

27:32

nothing to you, that should be light

27:34

for your partner. Do you know I

27:36

mean? So I definitely hear what you're

27:38

saying and I definitely... And yeah, I'm on your

27:40

side with that. I feel like you've got every reason

27:42

to feel a type of way. How do we

27:44

move forward with it, with him

27:46

being a stubborn? I think that's

27:48

for you to decide. Like, I think that's for you

27:50

to decide the level of putting your foot down that you want

27:52

to put your foot down. Do you know what I mean?

27:54

And sometimes that level might be the... you

27:57

know, the full extreme of being like, do you know what?

27:59

I can't do this with you. And I think that that

28:01

is a valid reason to end a relationship. Like not

28:03

feeling safe in a relationship is an awful

28:05

feeling because it breeds insecurity. It

28:07

breeds mistrust. It breeds all

28:09

kinds of things that like end up spiraling

28:11

into bigger problems. Do you know I mean?

28:14

So I think like for me, if it

28:16

really means that much to you, I

28:18

would stand on business with that and just be like,

28:20

listen, I do not feel I do not feel

28:22

comfortable with this. Like, how can we meet in the

28:24

middle so that you can do what you need to

28:26

do? Because there's no world in which you shouldn't be able

28:28

to promote his business and post himself. Do you know

28:30

what I mean? Like, that's unrealistic in this day and age.

28:33

But are there other things that he can do to just

28:35

make you feel safer? Yeah, but I think it's

28:37

a matter of communication, but you need to take it

28:39

to the full extent of the law and just

28:41

be like, well, I can't. I can't

28:43

take this because I don't want to feel

28:45

insecure. Like what is the point in being in

28:47

a relationship with someone and feeling like shit

28:49

that I've had that before. And that feeling is

28:51

so awful when you're always on edge and you feel

28:53

so anxious about every little move and all the rest

28:55

of it. Like for me, my peace

28:57

of mind and the relationship is not something I prepared

28:59

to sacrifice. So I would

29:01

not give him an ultimatum, but have a

29:03

conversation in a style that almost feels that

29:05

way and then just see what he does.

29:07

Yeah, I think what you need to dig

29:10

into is Why do I feel this unstable

29:12

in this relationship? Why is this

29:14

relationship so unsafe that I feel worried that he's

29:16

going to start posting online? That's going to

29:18

do about the internet. That's not going to do

29:20

with Instagram. That's not to do with his

29:22

business. That's to do with the state of your

29:24

relationship. Ideally, if you're in something

29:26

so solid, my man should be able to go

29:28

ball back out on the shoe. And I'm like, oh,

29:30

that's good. Because

29:34

you feel that secured that like in an

29:36

ideal world, your partner. should be able to go

29:38

on holiday as you please. And I feel

29:40

so secure that I'm not worried about this. You

29:42

should be able to post whatever you want

29:44

to socialize. And I feel so secure because of

29:46

what the work that we've both done in

29:48

this relationship that this is not a thing that's

29:50

woven in me at all because I'm so

29:52

aware of the work that's been done here. But

29:54

clearly that's not the issue. So your relationship

29:56

is not what you think it is. If

29:59

posting on the internet is so much going

30:01

to be an issue that is this, you are

30:03

not in a good relationship because that means

30:05

that you are credibly insecure and also no

30:07

one has made you feel secure enough

30:09

to be okay with things so I

30:11

think the roots of the problem is

30:14

that like hey What's actually

30:16

going on here that this is making me

30:18

feel that unsafe 100 % and you need to

30:20

ask yourself because often times in these kinds of

30:22

relationships You'll find that the people that are

30:24

never willing to like there's no like wriggle room

30:26

for their things like they are Completely binary in

30:28

their way of thinking but you'll find that

30:30

actually they're the ones that have the most

30:32

conditions for you and you'll find yourself like

30:34

bending to meet his demands Yeah, if that

30:36

is something that is also going on in

30:38

your relationship You have no equity in this

30:40

relationship and this is not a

30:42

level playing field at all. So I really

30:44

think you actually need to go back as

30:46

well and just really interrogate like your dynamic

30:49

in your relationship and ask yourself, does this

30:51

feel fair? Have you just been going along

30:53

with things because for the sake of niceties

30:55

or whatever? And like, what are the root

30:57

causes? But I really feel like if this

30:59

is something that, because now

31:01

it's spiralled into he can't post because

31:03

of things that he hasn't been doing

31:05

that he should be doing in a relationship like.

31:07

Like, someone should make you feel secure. You should

31:09

feel the safest with your chosen person kind of thing.

31:11

So, yeah, you need to work backwards, figure out

31:14

what it is that has caused you to get

31:16

to a point where you don't feel comfortable with

31:18

him posting. Because as Tully saying, there really

31:20

isn't... Okay, there's a few things you shouldn't be able

31:22

to do in a relationship. But for the most part, in terms of just

31:24

like everyday To live in your life, you should

31:26

live in your... and those relationships, yeah, where

31:28

those toxic relationships where people proper keep tabs on

31:30

each other and it's just like... What? You

31:32

allowed him to do that? I don't

31:34

like those kind of relationships. To freedom in

31:37

my relationships, whether that be

31:39

familial, familial, whatever that word

31:41

is, platonic, romantic relationships, to

31:43

freedom. I don't want to have to

31:45

keep tabs on people and to

31:47

have them in my pocket all the

31:50

time for me to feel safe. I

31:52

should just feel safe because they naturally make

31:54

me feel that way. I don't think you have

31:56

that. I think

31:58

you need to really think about... dynamic

32:00

in your relationship. You know what else I will

32:02

add, though, to be fair, I think sometimes realize what's

32:04

a you thing. Because some people are just

32:06

insecure people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, I don't know

32:08

what it is. This man can be like, yo, why

32:10

are you like, I've never cheated. You know how

32:12

much I love you. I'm always there. I'm always listening,

32:14

but there's always something. And I do think

32:16

sometimes figure out what it is it's a you thing. And

32:19

then what is that the person's actually doing? Because

32:21

I think some people, no matter what you do,

32:23

they are just an insecure, panicky person. And you

32:25

could say something and it would be like, oh,

32:27

no, they mean this. I don't mean that. This

32:29

is a new thing. So I do think also

32:31

sit yourself to be like, does this idea, you

32:33

being insecure, does it show up in other spaces

32:35

as well? Because it may be trickling into

32:38

your relationship. Exactly. Is there a thing

32:40

that you've seen in past relationships? Is it

32:42

actually like, no, it's actually a me

32:44

thing. Because if I tell myself the truth,

32:46

my partner has actually never done anything

32:48

to make me. feel like he doesn't love me

32:50

or that he's cheating outside of following a girl,

32:53

which I don't know. But maybe he's just like, well, I don't

32:55

do anything. Why is it a big deal that I'm following someone?

32:57

Some people can also, that's the hill because it's like, I've

32:59

never treated you badly. And also sometimes

33:02

I feel like doing that, actually you're

33:04

sparking bigger problems, that whole unfollowing thing,

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people love. You've

34:24

made this person do this mess unfollow. It might

34:27

actually cause more of a full out of them

34:29

just keeping those people. do believe in

34:31

telling people to unfollow someone. I

34:34

don't know. Unless the only time that I

34:36

will tell you to unfollow someone is that if I

34:38

do not like that girl. Like, you

34:40

know there's beef with me and that girl. Like, why

34:42

are you following that girl? Outside of that, I don't

34:44

know if it's a random girl that I don't know

34:46

that because you want him to unfollow because you think

34:48

the girl's attractive. Yeah. And,

34:51

like, why? Because, and the thing is, it's kind

34:54

of silly in a way because you can't lock

34:56

him in a cupboard because he might see attractive

34:58

people. Do you know people can still DM him

35:00

if they don't follow? Yeah, exactly. Even if he

35:02

wanted to do whatever he wanted to do, you

35:04

can still do that without following her. Statistically, it's

35:06

actually more dangerous for him to just walk on

35:08

road. To

35:10

follow, because to follow, at least you've

35:13

got the internet is this great big massive

35:15

barrier. But like, you could see an

35:17

attractive person on road. What's that? How could look

35:19

at this guy? I know, man. Do He

35:22

might post this picture, and then he's like,

35:24

missed it. He's ripping it. Everyone's like, ugh. Yeah, yeah.

35:26

He should have kept that in drafts then. Yeah,

35:29

bring back the mystique. I assume

35:31

you find him an attractive guy, whatever. But I

35:33

do think, figure out what it is that's brought

35:35

on because how the relationship is and figure out

35:37

what it is that's a you thing because of

35:39

how you might feel about yourself or how you

35:41

might feel about things outside of that relationship. But

35:43

I do think if someone's making you feel this

35:46

unsafe in a relationship, I don't

35:48

see the point of being in an anxiety

35:50

-induced relationship has never made any sense to me.

35:52

And that was like, you're actually attached, they haven't

35:54

texted you, so you have to do, you don't

35:56

what to do with yourself, you're panicky, you sleep,

35:58

so you don't think about them. Like, go, this

36:00

is not healthy. Not at all.

36:02

Yeah, so I do think, like, really

36:05

deep what the actual central issue

36:07

is. Hard to agree. Next

36:09

Next dilemma. Okay.

36:12

Hi ladies! First of

36:14

all, massive congratulations on the new space. Thank you.

36:16

I've been a long time listener and I

36:18

just want to say how proud I am of

36:20

everything both of you have achieved within this

36:22

podcast and within your own lives. You ladies are

36:24

like the most beautiful flowers that bloom

36:26

through anything. Graceful, resilient

36:29

and always showing up in full

36:31

color no matter the season. Why?

36:33

Thank you! That is beautiful. Thank you. Now

36:35

on to this dilemma. It's long and I'm

36:37

sorry. Okay. My friend, let's call her Ella

36:39

and I have been friends for over 10

36:41

years. We've always had a really close bond,

36:43

the kind of friendship where we could go

36:45

months, even years without speaking. But the second

36:47

we reconnect, it's like no time has passed at

36:49

all. But looking back, I've realized that

36:51

all the effort in our friendship has come

36:53

from me. When we lived in the same area,

36:55

I was always the one going to her.

36:58

A few years ago, I moved a few hours

37:00

away. And still, I've been the one making

37:02

the trip to visit, not once has she come

37:04

to see me. The calls always initiated by

37:06

me. Most go unanswered. The only time she

37:08

calls is when she's returning a call from

37:10

me and when we are together if her

37:12

phone rings she answers immediately so I know

37:14

it's not that she can't be present. There

37:17

have been moments where I felt used by

37:19

her but because I considered her such a

37:21

close friend it didn't feel like that at the time. Then

37:23

the cherry on top, a mutual friend

37:25

of ours threw a farewell party near

37:27

my area and Getty's finally made her

37:30

way down. Ella, not

37:32

for me or to see me after all these

37:34

years but for a party. To

37:36

add another layer, a few months ago, she

37:38

asked me to be her son's godparent, something

37:40

I take very seriously, despite her flaws, because

37:42

we all have them, and I said yes

37:44

like a fool because that's how much I've

37:46

always valued this friendship. When she

37:48

and her husband were going through a rough

37:50

patch, I was the one putting her pieces

37:53

back together, checking in, listening, being there. But

37:55

somewhere along the way, I've checked out. I don't even

37:57

want her to show up for me anymore, let

37:59

alone expect it. Kind of like when

38:01

a woman mentally breaks up with her

38:03

man before she actually leaves. I've detached.

38:05

But the thing is, I said yes

38:07

to being her son's godparent. Now I'm

38:09

torn. I know this friendship has been

38:11

one -sided, but when we're together it's so

38:13

genuine and full of love. Parts of

38:15

me want to pull back completely and let her

38:18

feel what I felt all these years. But there's

38:20

the fact that I've said yes to being her

38:22

son's godparent, and again, that's not something I take

38:24

lightly. Can I truly love someone from

38:26

a distance and still show up in a meaningful way

38:28

for their child? Or do I need to set

38:30

boundaries and walk away completely? What do I

38:32

do? Am I being dramatic? Please help. Much

38:34

love. I

38:36

think before you make the decision that

38:38

you're considering, talk to her, very

38:40

part of this is said that like,

38:42

hey, babe, I just feel like

38:44

this, this, this, this, this. And I think

38:47

sometimes you have to give people the

38:49

chance to fix up. And then when they

38:51

don't, you can be like, OK, I'm

38:53

done. But I do think give

38:55

other, because I think she must have value you

38:57

to make you a child's girlfriend. It's a thing that

38:59

she knows you enough to know that that's going

39:01

to mean something to you. So clearly, it's a thing

39:03

that she values enough to actually ask you to

39:05

be like, hey, this would really mean a lot to

39:07

me. So I do think it's worth talking to. I'm

39:10

going to say something that I absolutely stole

39:12

from my friend. Sometimes

39:14

I just be stealing people's shit and be making it mine. But

39:18

it would have been really good, but let me not steal it. But

39:21

like, yeah, I just think it's worth having

39:23

the conversation and being like, hey, babe, I

39:25

feel like this. Like people are not magicians.

39:27

People like, sometimes people need to know how

39:29

it is that you feel, especially when you're

39:31

the friend that always seems cool. They don't

39:33

know anything's wrong with you. So if you're

39:35

like, hey, I feel like I'm always someone

39:38

making an effort. And sometimes people allow you

39:40

to play the role you're good at. Exactly.

39:42

So if it's like you don't get to,

39:44

I think it's annoying to be this, but this is, this is how

39:46

I am. And they complain that people let you to be that

39:48

way. If you, if that's the

39:50

role and people see, Oh, when in there, she takes charge.

39:53

Cool. Let me just let her do the planning. Let

39:55

me let her do the thinking. And you're like, I hate

39:57

doing this. Let them know. Hey, I'd really like it

39:59

if you guys plan something. I'd really like you

40:01

to make an effort. I, I want to feel more

40:03

loved by you. It means a lot to

40:05

me, but I can't lie. I've been resentful because

40:07

I feel like I'm the only one putting in

40:09

an effort. And then we go from there. Absolutely.

40:11

That's exactly what I was going to say. You

40:13

didn't mention anything about having spoken to her

40:15

about this before, so I

40:17

definitely think that this friendship

40:20

is not done. You know I mean? She's

40:22

obviously a little bit selfish. She's obviously

40:24

very much used to this dynamic and she's

40:26

just gotten comfortable in it and I think that

40:28

that's more so what it is. I don't think

40:30

that she is aware that she's being this

40:32

way. I think that she's just And

40:35

if you were saying that she's been going through a rough patch with

40:37

her husband and all the rest of it, maybe it's

40:39

a thing whereby her mind is just elsewhere

40:41

and she hasn't prioritized the friendship. And also,

40:43

there is something about you moved away.

40:45

So maybe she feels like, oh, you're coming

40:47

down because you're going to kill a few birds

40:49

with one stone and see her as well. Do you know

40:51

I mean? Because if you've still got family in that same

40:53

area, then she might be looking at it from

40:55

that lens. I've got no idea. The only way

40:57

to find out is to tell her, but I definitely

40:59

don't think that you need to put a pin

41:02

in this friendship at all. I think

41:04

that, yeah, give her a chance to hear

41:06

you out, give her an opportunity to

41:08

perhaps change. If it doesn't, then, yeah, start

41:10

to back away. And do you? I think you can

41:12

be a good godparent and not be... The thing is,

41:14

you never said anything about... You said that when you

41:16

guys reconnect, it's like no time as far good and

41:18

there's love there. Do you know what I mean? And

41:20

there's love there. So if you do speak to her

41:22

and you find that she's still slipping into old ways

41:24

and not much has changed, but you absolutely still want

41:26

to take on this role as godparent, then you might

41:28

just have to accept your new normal and might just

41:30

have to accept that this is what your new

41:32

dynamic looks like now. Yeah, and then

41:34

you can pull away in certain areas pertaining to

41:36

the friendship a little bit more. But yeah,

41:38

absolutely, you can still be there for her son. So

41:40

I definitely think there's a world in which both

41:43

can coexist. Do you think it can

41:45

be a good parent but not be that person's close friend?

41:49

Yeah, only because she said that

41:51

when they get together, there's no

41:53

tension. Do you know what I mean? Like, but

41:55

obviously there is tension because she's not happy. Do you know what

41:57

I mean? So that's the thing. She's pushing something she feels

41:59

down. Yeah. So like you're able to

42:01

act at that level as well, but you know there's

42:03

something wrong with you. You feel away something. Yeah, you

42:05

feel away. So that's why it's worth the conversation to

42:07

say you feel away. I think when a kid

42:09

is still young, I don't know if he can be a

42:11

good God parent and not be cool with their parents. because

42:15

that's really what the relationship is at that age. Because

42:17

if I'm not cool with it, if you're a

42:19

godmother to my kid, I'm not cool with you. You

42:21

can't call me and say, let me pick up

42:23

Jaden. Yeah, exactly. It's like a few three months! You're

42:27

not touching my That's so awkward though, because what do

42:29

people do in that situation? Do you strip

42:31

them of that title? You just not a godparent.

42:33

I'm a godparent to a kid I don't see. But

42:35

also I was like 70 when this girl asked

42:37

me to be the godmother. There was no absolute business

42:40

of being that. That was the only good thing

42:42

about teen pregnancy. He's going to be

42:44

the godmom. We

42:47

didn't even fight. We just, everything happened

42:49

and then we just had to live

42:51

in their lives. That

42:53

is what it is. It's not like I'm like, I'm shit

42:55

from this. It's just, it's what it is. Well, with

42:58

the kid thing, then I think you have more of a

43:00

duty now to make sure that this conversation happens ASAP.

43:02

it love her and you love the kid. And I think

43:04

that sometimes there is something like, the love is still

43:06

there. If it was that we were together, it's actually quite

43:08

shit. It feels like an obligation. But the love is

43:10

still there. You still feel loved by her and clearly she

43:12

loves you. She's just, some people just need to be

43:14

like, hey, you're not being a good friend right now. She's

43:16

being a bad friend right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I

43:18

totally agree. And I think that. because I

43:20

don't think she's all the way there clearly yet in terms

43:22

of wanting to wrap this thing up. So I

43:24

think do it ASAP, whilst you're not

43:27

in a headspace where you hate

43:29

her. Because the longer you leave it, the

43:31

harder it's going to be. And the more it

43:33

turns into like a thing as opposed to like,

43:35

you know, just a pleasant conversation. then now you

43:37

have to mute it when you're Instagram. Exactly. Exactly.

43:41

When it gets to that point, say

43:43

something. Have a chat. Next

43:46

dilemma. Hi Audrey and

43:48

Tolly. I hope you're both doing well. I'm

43:50

a diehard listener and I've been training since

43:52

2019. I'm so proud of how far you've

43:54

both come. And of course I bought the

43:56

book. It was amazing reading about your journeys.

43:59

Now to my dilemma. I started working in

44:01

an office last year and I've actually been

44:03

really happy there. I'm a part

44:05

of a young team. It's chaotic but fun.

44:08

One colleague in particular, Steve, who's in his

44:10

30s and white stood out to me because

44:12

he was very awkward around me in the

44:14

beginning. I've always been someone

44:16

who enjoys dressing up, staying put together

44:18

and learning new things. From the beginning,

44:20

I picked up tasks quickly and Stephen,

44:22

who was supposed to train me, was

44:25

very helpful. Every time I asked

44:27

something, he would stop what he was doing

44:29

and help me right away. He'd often call

44:31

me on teams or come by my office

44:33

just to interact. At first,

44:35

I thought he was just being nice

44:37

because I knew and he appreciate

44:39

my dedication. But over time, he's

44:42

become really clingy. Constantly

44:44

looking for conversations, even after I explained

44:46

things, didn't need that much of a

44:48

follow -up. He's genuinely kind, but he doesn't

44:51

offer this level of help to everyone.

44:53

I'm also the only woman on the team, so I'm

44:55

not sure if that plays a role. Stephen

44:58

once even told me I should keep

45:00

my distance from another colleague because he's not

45:02

really good at his job. He's getting

45:04

jealous. Yeah, but I sensed it wasn't just

45:06

about work. I think Stephen simply doesn't

45:08

like the guy, maybe even feels a bit

45:10

jealous or protective. He

45:12

also looks really deeply into my eyes,

45:14

which makes me nervous. One

45:16

time during a break, I mentioned how I

45:18

got drunk after just one drink and he

45:20

laughed and looked at me for a long

45:23

time. Look at me. He

45:25

caught me off guard. So I pretended

45:27

not to notice and just caught. It

45:29

caught me off guard. So I pretended

45:31

to not notice and just continue the

45:33

conversation. After a while, I started getting

45:35

really annoyed, mainly because Steven really isn't

45:38

my type physically. I

45:40

ended up lying and saying I have a

45:42

boyfriend. Hoping it would curate some distance,

45:44

but it didn't. He kept being clingy. I

45:46

started ignoring his messages on Teams, and one time

45:48

he sent me a message, then quickly deleted it

45:50

after I saw him and didn't respond, which really

45:53

confused me. Here's where it gets complicated. Right

45:55

before my vacation, I told Stephen

45:57

I would handle a case with another

45:59

colleague, even though I'd made it clear that

46:01

he still tried to call me on Teams, but I

46:03

did our boss to the call, probably to make it

46:05

seem work -related. I didn't pick up a

46:07

message saying I was too busy. After

46:09

that, he stopped calling. On my last

46:11

day before vacation, he messaged me offering

46:14

to take over my pending tasks for

46:16

me. Super kind and thoughtful. And

46:18

now, I'm on vacation and suddenly

46:20

missing it. If you don't get out

46:22

of vacation. What? I

46:24

was about to have a few words. That's

46:26

not where I thought we were. Okay, let me go

46:28

again. And now, I'm

46:31

on vacation and suddenly

46:33

missing his attention, presence

46:35

and kindness. I think I might actually like

46:37

it. On holiday, where the hell did you

46:39

go? But I'm torn. You took a

46:41

bit of vacation. Is that even thinking about Steve

46:43

from the office? Oh

46:45

my God. Stephen isn't my usual

46:48

type. You love attention. Girls love

46:50

attention. Stephen isn't

46:52

my usual type physically. And

46:54

now my career is really important to me. I'm

46:56

scared to show my feelings in a work environment,

46:58

especially cities on my team. What if it doesn't

47:00

work out? So you fancy it? To

47:03

girls, help me out. What should I do?

47:05

I'm stuck. So

47:09

you fancy him? She now fancies Steven, clearly.

47:11

But she's only realised that, you know

47:14

what, when they said Absence makes her heart grow

47:16

fond of, they were talking about you and

47:18

Steven. She said twice, yeah, for both exact

47:20

same tenses, and he's physically not my

47:22

type, but she said that twice. She

47:24

loves the attention. Well, yeah, exactly. She loves

47:26

the attention. You don't love Steve. You

47:29

love his attentiveness. You love the things that he

47:31

does for you. You love how he makes it.

47:33

Wait, hang on. What's the issue? If

47:38

you're anything like us, you love attention.

47:40

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47:42

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49:12

it doesn't work out, it's bad. The thing

49:14

is, okay, in all seriousness

49:16

for it, I think, yes, it's

49:18

the attention that you like, it's not Steve. He

49:22

seems like quite an intense person,

49:25

and I think that you're jumping the gun. Do

49:27

you know I mean? I think you're jumping the gun, you're

49:29

talking about it not working out and blah, blah, blah, but

49:31

let's fast forward and say that you do give

49:33

this a shot and it doesn't work out. I don't

49:35

think that this is going to end well if it

49:37

didn't work out. He likes you

49:39

too much. Yeah, I think that... just

49:42

from the way he's acted. He

49:44

doesn't strike me as the kind of person that

49:46

you can give this thing a shot with and

49:48

then go back to just being colleagues. But

49:50

I mean, I highly wouldn't recommend dating someone

49:52

on your team. I think that's far too

49:55

close to home. I think that you

49:57

need to be the stronger person

49:59

and let this go. It's just too

50:01

close for comfort for me on the same team.

50:03

I don't believe in shitting where you eat, right?

50:05

Also, have you not heard of

50:07

the concept of a work husband? Steven is

50:09

your work husband. And that's what

50:11

it is, right? Like you get you get you through

50:13

the work day. You know that there's someone that I

50:15

don't want to do this thing. Once Steven will help

50:17

me. Worst case scenario, you don't want to spend your ten

50:19

pound fifty for lunch. Steven will buy you lunch. You

50:22

like as in like Steven is your work

50:24

husband and keep him as such. You're on holiday,

50:26

but maybe because your friends are dry at

50:28

the moment. Yeah. So you're not

50:30

getting your your. Steven

50:33

has become vitamin D for you. He has

50:35

been your your every day like your boost. He,

50:37

like, you come in and he tells you you

50:39

look beautiful. He tells you you look nice. He

50:42

helps you with your tasks. He treats you nice.

50:44

So you, like, you got used to that feeling.

50:46

And now your holiday, your friends are a bit

50:48

dead. No one's telling you give you daily compliments.

50:50

No one's making your life easier. It's actually really

50:52

easy to like someone that makes your life easier,

50:54

makes you feel wanted. There is no,

50:56

I think, wrong and liking to be desired. But I

50:58

think that's all it is. You, other every day, you

51:00

find it annoying. You're only thinking about it now because

51:02

you miss it, because you don't have it. Yeah. Exactly.

51:04

Exactly. Yeah. That's it. Yeah. Like, before you

51:06

make big decisions, go back to work for

51:08

at least six months or three months. Yeah. Let

51:10

him find him see, like, actually, no, I

51:12

actually do like him. Other than it just

51:15

being a, I'm on holiday. No one's

51:17

pulling down my line. I'm a bit bored. And

51:19

no one's calling me beautiful today. Yeah. There's way

51:22

too many things that are telling me that

51:24

you need to leave this alone. For

51:27

me, number one thing is that it's too close

51:29

for comfort as far as I'm concerned. Also, this

51:31

is how men get you. Yeah, exactly. will give

51:33

you adoration, love, and suddenly you're like, oh my

51:35

God, do I like him? Yeah. Yeah. I'm

51:38

not convinced by this.

51:40

I think this is something that you should leave

51:42

alone. I think these feelings are temporary. I

51:45

don't know what kind of holiday you're on,

51:47

but I don't know. For you to be thinking about someone

51:49

that you work with, again, I'm not saying that your feelings

51:51

are completely, you

51:53

know, not non -existent.

51:56

Well, I don't think it's something you should about. They're not real

51:58

feelings. When you're at work, you don't feel it. They're

52:00

not real feelings. It's just you're just

52:02

bored. They're not

52:04

real feelings. You like attention. Heck, I

52:06

want everyone to admit that more. I

52:09

fucking love male attention. Hey, I know,

52:11

it's 2025. Fuck men, be real.

52:14

Oh, when did man like me?

52:16

Yeah, it is nice though. am so into it.

52:18

And it allows you to be a little delicate thing

52:20

that gets things done for you. Do you know

52:22

what it is to have a man like you in

52:24

the workspace? Yeah, that's very beneficial. I don't have

52:26

to get up to print. Yeah,

52:29

exactly. Let alone, yeah.

52:31

alone when you're actually

52:33

being helped, do know

52:35

mean? Every day, attention

52:37

and help. Absolutely

52:39

lovely. That's a lethal combination. When

52:42

you have to leave a comment, you have to play

52:44

it smart because you have to give back enough that they

52:46

don't get confused, but also they don't feel used. It's

52:49

a tricky line you're playing. Also, take enough

52:51

that you don't start thinking, wait, do I like

52:53

them? Yeah. Don't

52:56

conflict. Like,

52:58

liking being liked, then actually liking

53:00

someone. Sometimes I just like that

53:02

you like me. Yeah, that's, yeah. And that's very

53:04

powerful. Yeah, yeah, I just like that you

53:07

like me. I really, truly enjoy being liked. I

53:09

enjoy being liked, and I enjoy knowing that

53:11

I can bag someone. Like,

53:13

yeah, I bagged it. Like, sometimes I'm just a bit

53:15

of a fool of it. Yeah. Play the sport,

53:17

man. Dating is part of the sport. Exactly.

53:20

Stand up. Stand up. You don't have

53:22

feelings for this person. You've

53:24

got this in you to be stronger than this. Exactly. Come

53:26

on. Yeah, go and enjoy your holiday. Yeah. And when

53:28

you get back, if three months from now you're like,

53:30

girls, I actually do like him, then we'll target that.

53:32

Yeah, exactly. Come Yeah, let's do that. Come back. Come

53:34

back. When you are in the mind space and you're

53:36

seeing him every day again, let me know if you

53:38

actually do like him. Yeah, because don't ruin your career

53:40

or, you know, your good, good job, you're happy there

53:42

and all the rest of Exactly. And you're going to

53:44

let love ruin it. Yeah, no, it's not even love

53:46

you. It's not even love. It's just a bit of

53:48

a bit of attention. Yeah, bit of attention, that's all.

53:50

Fucking love attention. I know it is nice. I'm so

53:52

sorry. I feel sick saying that a lot. No, I

53:54

hear it. It's nice. We're humans. When it's healthy. We

53:56

like it. Yeah, we like it as humans. Okay,

53:59

next time. Next time. Hi, ladies. Hello.

54:01

I've only discovered your podcast for about

54:03

a month now. I fell in love with

54:05

the podcast. I've gone back to

54:08

watch old episodes and you are both so funny

54:10

and lovely. I really appreciate both

54:12

of your insights, how thoughtful your advice are

54:14

and the maturity that comes with it. I

54:16

think I've consumed a lot of content with

54:18

people in the same age bracket as me

54:20

and truly thought that I was some mature

54:22

lady but honestly I've learnt so much from

54:24

just listening to you guys so thank you. I

54:27

don't necessarily have a dilemma but more

54:29

so just in need of some advice.

54:31

I'm a year old Nigerian girl born

54:33

and raised in Ireland. So

54:35

far in my life I honestly feel like

54:38

a failure. There have been

54:40

so many moments I feel I've had

54:42

to start over again in terms of career

54:44

choices and academics or leaving toxic jobs

54:46

and it makes me feel like I'm

54:48

stagnant. I'm watching my peers move

54:50

on and find themselves. I know it's not

54:52

good to compare but I cannot help it.

54:54

I think it stems from how I was

54:56

raised. Nothing I did was ever good

54:58

enough for my parents, specifically my dad. I'm

55:00

trying to let that go but it's so

55:02

hard to. For Nigerian standards, I really do

55:05

feel like a failure. I don't have a

55:07

high paying job, very very single and just

55:09

overall behind. It is really affecting

55:11

me especially now that I am 25. I'm

55:14

not exactly sure what I want

55:16

to do with my life but I guess

55:18

for now I really want to learn how to

55:20

not allow this to consume me. I just

55:22

want to be happy. I think

55:24

it doesn't help that I don't really have distractions.

55:27

I have a very dead social life because

55:29

all of my friends are in relationships. I've

55:31

drifted apart from a few people and

55:33

don't really have family other than my mum

55:35

here. I know this is a complicated

55:37

one, but have you felt this way and

55:39

how did you handle it? It's

55:41

a constant battle for me to shut down really dark

55:43

thoughts and I don't want to allow myself to

55:45

go to that place again because I've been there. I

55:48

would appreciate any kind word to me as I

55:50

really respect you guys. Once again, thank you

55:52

for listening and your podcast has been an escape for

55:54

me during these times. Aw,

55:58

that's awful. Yeah. And

56:00

I don't even want to start in

56:02

the whole patronising way. Girl, you're 25. You have time

56:04

to work it out and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,

56:06

because I very much, I've been in the place where

56:08

I'm just like, this just doesn't feel good enough. It

56:10

feels like I'm not doing enough. It feels like I'm

56:12

behind. You're comparing yourself to other people.

56:14

You're seeing an announcement. Someone else's bought a

56:17

house, got engaged, bought a new job, got

56:19

a new job and blah, blah, blah, blah.

56:21

I completely understand why that can feel like.

56:23

There is a reason why that saying comparison

56:25

is the fifth beef of joy and whatever,

56:27

because it truly is. Like it really, really

56:29

is. And also you're comparing yourself to all

56:32

of their best bits. You're comparing yourself to the bits

56:34

that they want on the internet. You're comparing the bits

56:36

that they want told out loud, right? They want to

56:38

sit in there. and telling you all of their

56:40

things. And in situations like this, I don't know how

56:42

helpful it is to be like, you're not the only

56:44

one, someone else feels like that, nobody else has it

56:46

together or not, because I don't find things like that

56:48

comforting. I'm like, okay, cool, but I still feel like

56:50

this. I don't care if everybody else in the world

56:52

feels like this. I don't want to feel like

56:54

this. So I don't know how comforting it is to

56:56

tell you that other people are going through this, but

56:59

definitely other people are going through this. I remember being

57:01

around, yeah, in my 20s, and being that, again,

57:03

being nine -year -in, it was just like, that's 25, you

57:05

should have worked it out. And you are, You're

57:07

so young. I remember someone saying to me, they were like,

57:09

you've got enough time to completely fuck up now and still start

57:11

your life all over again. And I remember

57:14

that being so comforting to me. She was like, you've

57:16

got all the time in the world. She was like,

57:18

you can go retrain as a doctor now. And

57:20

32, you'd be a qualified young doctor. And you'll still

57:22

be young. And you'll still be young. You're still only

57:24

32. And doctors is one of the longest education things

57:26

to bloody do anyway. So I think

57:28

it is give yourself some grace. It's

57:31

the advice I'll give you. Just give yourself

57:33

some grace. You don't have to have it

57:36

all worked out. So often you'll see all

57:38

of these statements that like, oh, this person

57:40

didn't write their first book till 45 and

57:42

now there's some successful thing. This person didn't

57:44

do their first thing till they were 30

57:46

or whatever. And those things are important because

57:48

it tells you that as long as there's

57:50

life, there's time. And it might feel shitty

57:52

now, but I just want you to allow

57:54

yourself some grace. Okay, cool. The community you

57:56

have with you right now are partnered up

57:58

in relationship. Meet people who are on your

58:00

wavelength. There is something about being around people who

58:02

are around the same time as you that makes

58:04

things feel more understandable. That makes things feel a

58:06

bit easier to deal with because you're on level

58:08

pain fields. You can help each other and advise

58:10

each other and things like that. So, hey, all

58:12

your friends are partnered and they don't want to

58:15

hang out. You feel lonely. Find ways to make

58:17

new friends. Find new activities

58:19

by yourself until you're comfortable being

58:21

by yourself. Like, read more, get

58:23

out there more. take

58:25

your time to figure back at all. What is it

58:27

that I actually want to do? It's okay at 25

58:29

to not know exactly what it is that you want

58:31

to do. I wasn't doing this at 25. It's

58:34

okay to not be someone that's like, I'm gonna

58:36

do this and go for it. People start things,

58:38

people quit things. There's a great example of the

58:40

like, and it's okay to start something and be

58:42

like, hey, didn't this work out? Let me do

58:44

something else. I always think about this one. Remember

58:46

with Instagram, IGTV

58:48

was gonna be the next thing. Put all this money

58:50

into it. Where the fuck is that thing now? It

58:53

just felled and they carried on to

58:55

the next thing. So many people, so

58:57

many ideas planted into the world didn't work

58:59

out on to the next thing. So I think

59:01

you were allowed to give yourself space to be

59:03

like, I'm going to try my hands at this.

59:06

Actually, not for me on to the next thing.

59:08

And you will figure it out. And the idea was

59:10

like, you just want to be happy. I love

59:12

that there's this desire even you to not sit in

59:14

the sadness. But I

59:16

think I think it happens a bit later

59:18

than 25. I think maybe let's just say

59:20

between 25 and 35, you have to fight

59:23

for your life to find joy. You

59:25

actually have to push past

59:27

it because it's when people eventually just start

59:29

giving up and they start thinking,

59:31

well, this is what this is my love. This

59:33

is it sort of thing. So it's almost

59:35

rebellious and audacious to want more. It's almost rebellious

59:38

to be like, no, I'm going to find

59:40

joy in this, especially in what the world looks

59:42

like now that economies die. This is that

59:44

this is that you. honestly have to fight for

59:46

your life to be joyous and be happy

59:48

and be okay because it's really easy to just

59:50

sit in the sadness and I think it

59:52

would be a shame for you to sit in

59:54

the sadness. I think there is scope to

59:57

be like There is a freedom in not knowing

59:59

what it wants to do because the whole world

1:00:01

is still available to you. You haven't narrowed anything

1:00:03

down yet. So explore as much as you can,

1:00:05

play as much as you can, to get a

1:00:07

job that pays you something enough to do other

1:00:09

things until you work it out. You are 25.

1:00:11

There is life in you. There's air in you.

1:00:13

You don't have to have it figured out. People

1:00:15

are in their 50s and still like, I don't

1:00:17

know what I want to do. I'm going to

1:00:19

figure it out. Because guess what? You're allowed to

1:00:21

change your mind. You could have studied your

1:00:23

whole life to be an architect and wake up tomorrow and say, actually,

1:00:25

I want to fly kite. And you're

1:00:27

allowed to do it. Yeah, absolutely. No, no. I

1:00:30

don't have very much to add on to that.

1:00:32

It's all facts. I totally

1:00:34

agree. And I just feel like, especially in an African

1:00:36

household, we're so like, it's age

1:00:38

thing, like we very much work to an

1:00:40

age thing. And so I can imagine

1:00:42

25 is like a golden number. I've never thinking,

1:00:44

yeah, you're a big girl. It really is

1:00:46

a golden number. So, you know, when we talk

1:00:48

about quarter life crisis, midlife crisis, I actually believe

1:00:50

these things are very much real. And it sounds

1:00:52

like you're kind of going through that. And

1:00:55

I think it's because We constantly hear

1:00:57

about age in our community. It's something that

1:00:59

we really put on people to like

1:01:01

have reached these milestones by a certain age. You don't

1:01:03

have to do any of it. It's not real.

1:01:05

It's all an illusion. Like, fully we're saying this world

1:01:07

is what they started. Like, we just have to

1:01:09

just take the part, the bits of joy that we

1:01:11

can and like, curate it for ourselves because no

1:01:13

one is going to give it to you. Like, no

1:01:15

one. And if you can't create it for yourself,

1:01:17

then you're really doomed because if you wait

1:01:19

around for people to give you permission to

1:01:21

be happy, like, happiness

1:01:23

isn't. permission -based thing.

1:01:25

It's something that you actually have to create when

1:01:28

you're in it. just try to enjoy

1:01:30

it. There's sometimes where I just genuinely feel

1:01:32

really happy and I have to make a conscious

1:01:34

effort to be like, oh my God, you're happy

1:01:36

now and acknowledge it? Because we acknowledge the bad

1:01:38

things. We're like, I'm in a foul mood. I

1:01:40

feel like shit. And we really sit in that,

1:01:42

but we very rarely take the time out to

1:01:44

acknowledge when we are having pockets of joy. So

1:01:46

that's like a thing that I've told myself and

1:01:48

I do it. If I'm really happy, if I'm

1:01:50

laughing, I'm with my friends and I'm cackling, I

1:01:52

really take it, make it a point to

1:01:55

be like, nah. This feels good. This feels good. Acknowledge

1:01:57

that feeling. as much as you would

1:01:59

acknowledge the sadness and I know right now it

1:02:01

feels like there isn't much to be happy about but

1:02:03

there is like there's so much around the corner you

1:02:05

do not know what this like. is gonna

1:02:07

offer you like things can change within our heartbeat

1:02:10

and some things will be like a fate -based

1:02:12

thing but other things like but for the most

1:02:14

part you're gonna have to go out you're gonna

1:02:16

have to go out and get it and I

1:02:18

feel like a lot of that does start with

1:02:20

changing your mindset and I know it sounds

1:02:22

so much easier but you sometimes you

1:02:24

do actually have to talk yourself out of

1:02:26

like yeah you have to talk yourself out of

1:02:28

like a bad mood out of feeling low out

1:02:30

of feeling negative and because you know the bad

1:02:32

is inevitable the negative is inevitable So,

1:02:35

let's not focus on it too much. But

1:02:37

I do definitely think there's comfort in knowing

1:02:39

that you're not alone because it is normal.

1:02:41

It's normal to question what

1:02:43

you're doing and your career and all

1:02:45

of that. That is normal. It's

1:02:48

also normal to not know what the hell you want

1:02:50

to do. And all I'll say is just tap into your

1:02:52

skill set. I'm sure there's so many things that you're

1:02:54

good at. The maddest thing that you'll

1:02:57

enjoy, you'll be surprised. There's someone doing

1:02:59

something in that field. There's a career

1:03:01

out there. for you to chase.

1:03:03

So yeah, just like tap into like what you

1:03:05

enjoy, what you're good at, and then use that as

1:03:07

a starting point and, you know, hopefully

1:03:09

the best will come to you. I also think it's

1:03:11

worth noting that like your career doesn't have to

1:03:13

be what makes you happy. Like I

1:03:15

said, you can just be like, okay, cool, this

1:03:17

is the thing that I do for money, but I

1:03:19

find my happiness outside of this space. I think

1:03:21

so often people are like, I don't know what I

1:03:23

want to do with my life and thinking that's

1:03:25

going to then secure happiness. Many people have worked out

1:03:27

exactly what they want to do their life and

1:03:29

they have great careers, but they're still not happy. Yeah,

1:03:31

exactly. I think there's room to be like, what

1:03:33

else? There's got to be more to life than like,

1:03:35

I've worked at my career as I'm a well -rounded

1:03:37

person. Often people who I've worked at are still

1:03:39

not well -rounded people. They're still incredibly

1:03:41

unhappy. So, figure out what it is

1:03:43

for now, what can make you money because you need

1:03:45

to survive, but also then use this time to figure

1:03:47

out, okay, what do I enjoy? What actually brings me

1:03:50

happiness? Because you can have it all figured out and

1:03:52

this is a path and you get the job

1:03:54

and you're still kind of like, oh. Yeah. Yeah,

1:03:57

exactly. I think that's really like a

1:03:59

very good point about... can be something

1:04:01

that just pays the bills. Before I

1:04:03

started doing this podcast, I had my nine

1:04:05

to five and my plan very much was like,

1:04:07

this is my job. I wasn't unhappy. I liked my

1:04:09

job. I was cool with it. But I just accepted

1:04:11

this is how I make my money. This is how

1:04:13

I pay my bills. And I was very much doing

1:04:15

other things to just fulfill me, just give me that

1:04:17

extra bit of fulfillment. And then off the back of

1:04:19

it, it's now turned into a career. So when I

1:04:21

say that you just never know what is going

1:04:24

to happen, like you just never know

1:04:26

what is going to happen, but you have to be

1:04:28

open and willing to accept it. Do you know I mean

1:04:30

as well? So, yeah, I'm

1:04:32

sorry. You've got this baby girl. you've absolutely

1:04:34

got this. You're fine. Like, yeah, that 25 -quarter

1:04:36

life, wait till 27, babe, so that's what

1:04:38

I mean. I

1:04:40

was going to look your way. Exactly.

1:04:43

This ain't nothing. Enjoy this. This ain't nothing.

1:04:45

You ain't seen nothing yet. Right. Next

1:04:47

and last. Next and last. Let's go.

1:04:49

Is it me? I think it's you, babe.

1:04:52

OK. Hi, ladies. Love the podcast. The new

1:04:54

set is banging. I love that

1:04:56

you stole that sign. I was listening

1:04:58

to the dilemma about the girl who was

1:05:00

obsessing over her boyfriend's exes and was

1:05:02

worried he was going to leave her. And

1:05:04

I really could relate. It sounds

1:05:06

like she has an anxious attachment style because I

1:05:08

have one and I have the same thoughts

1:05:10

too. When I was with my boyfriend I would

1:05:12

constantly worry that he would wake up with

1:05:14

me or that the relationship was too good to

1:05:16

be true and I read a book called

1:05:18

Attached which helps me understand that I was anxiously

1:05:20

attached. When you are

1:05:23

anxiously attached You don't feel secure

1:05:25

in the relationship, not because of your partner,

1:05:27

but because of your own fears of abandonment

1:05:29

and what that means for you. For me,

1:05:31

for example, I was afraid that because love

1:05:33

is so hard to find and so many

1:05:35

relationships fail, I had no way of knowing

1:05:37

that this wouldn't happen to me. Spoiler it

1:05:39

did and I was absolutely fine. I

1:05:41

was very worried that the relationship

1:05:43

would end and I would worry

1:05:45

constantly. My advice to her would

1:05:48

be to... If she can see

1:05:50

specific relationships counselling just for herself to

1:05:52

change her mindset to one that's more

1:05:54

secure and also to figure out what

1:05:56

it is more deep -seated fear that's driving

1:05:58

anxiety and learn to deal with that.

1:06:00

For me that also involved learning

1:06:02

to accept uncertainty in general and

1:06:04

understand that the unknown is

1:06:06

scary but also without the unknown

1:06:08

there is no need for hope

1:06:10

because you always know what's coming.

1:06:12

Instead of being scared of the future

1:06:14

I could be hopeful. for what

1:06:16

I would like to happen and work

1:06:18

towards it as much as possible. I was

1:06:21

also accepting that it may not turn

1:06:23

out that way, but I'll be fine anyway.

1:06:25

Love a loyal listener. And this is

1:06:27

great for the last advice we just had

1:06:29

as well. Exactly, exactly. Like you will

1:06:31

be fine. And there is something really incredible

1:06:33

and great about hope. Yeah, without

1:06:35

the unknown. Yeah, exactly. Once

1:06:37

you know everything, this doesn't feel so exciting.

1:06:39

So there is something very exciting and

1:06:41

hopeful about hope. Yeah, absolutely.

1:06:44

What a beautiful way to

1:06:46

end on. Beautiful, beautiful,

1:06:49

beautiful. I hope we were

1:06:51

able to help you guys with your dilemma. Yes.

1:06:53

And if you feel like you could also have

1:06:55

advice, please like comment and let them know you

1:06:57

can comment where you listen to Spotify. I think

1:06:59

you can also comment on YouTube and let people

1:07:01

know. Just to clarify, I feel like I

1:07:03

don't know if maybe it's our fault we haven't made things clear. Video

1:07:07

is no longer available on Spotify, but

1:07:09

you can still watch us on YouTube. You

1:07:11

can listen as you do normally, but you

1:07:13

can only actually see the video on our

1:07:15

YouTube channel, so that's worth clearing up. Yeah,

1:07:17

all the old episodes are still there available

1:07:20

to listen to, every single one, not

1:07:22

to watch. Um, but yeah,

1:07:24

you can still listen to them. Yeah. So

1:07:26

yeah. So yeah. Thank you guys so much.

1:07:28

If you guys have any dilemmas and you

1:07:30

want us to read it out, please do

1:07:32

email us on dilemmas at the receiptspodcast .co .uk.

1:07:34

That is dilemmas at the receiptspodcast

1:07:36

.co .uk. It sure is.

1:07:38

Thank you guys so much for letting us

1:07:40

keep you company. Enjoy the best of

1:07:42

your day, your life, your weekend. If

1:07:44

you're here for the first time, please return. If

1:07:47

you return, thank you for letting us keep you company.

1:07:50

I'm your girl Toly T. And just call me Audrey.

1:07:52

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