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Self-Conconscious with Chrisie Tegan, an

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as we explore the cutting

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edge of health, wellness and

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personal growth with the world's

1:00

leading experts and thinkers. From

1:02

inspiring stories to actionable insights,

1:04

our conversations aim to help

1:06

you lead a healthier, happier

1:08

and more productive life. We

1:13

often find ourselves overwhelmed by the

1:15

expectations and behaviors of those around

1:18

us, feeling an almost instinctive need

1:20

to control or influence their actions.

1:22

We try to manage relationships, predict

1:24

reactions, and adjust our own behaviors

1:27

to maintain harmony or gain approval.

1:29

However, the key to a more

1:31

peaceful fulfilling life may not be

1:34

in controlling others, but in just

1:36

letting go. Enter Mel Robbins let

1:38

them theory. It's a simple yet

1:40

profound idea. Let people be who

1:42

they are without letting their issues

1:45

become your own, whether it's family

1:47

judgments, friends' expectations, or strangers' opinions.

1:49

Robbins offers a radical shift. Instead

1:51

of getting caught up in what

1:53

others think, we focus on what

1:56

we can change, our own responses.

1:58

Mel Robbins is one of the

2:00

most sought after. and personal development.

2:02

Known for her practical no-nonsense tools

2:05

and science-backed strategies, Robbins has helped

2:07

millions of people change their lives.

2:09

As a best-selling author, motivational speaker,

2:11

and host of the globally popular

2:14

Mel Robbins podcast, her relatable advice

2:16

on mindset, behavior change, and mental

2:18

health has resonated with audiences around

2:20

the world. Today, Robbins will offer

2:22

a master class in letting go

2:25

of other people's toxic expectations and

2:27

reclaiming power in our relationships. We'll

2:29

dive into practical examples of how

2:31

this mindset can reduce stress, help

2:34

us set healthier boundaries, and allow

2:36

us to stop carrying the weight

2:38

of other people's drama. Mel Robbins,

2:40

welcome to self-conscious. Thank

2:47

you so much for being here. This is

2:49

so exciting for me. This is a conversation

2:51

that I am so ready and excited to

2:53

have and to have you here doing it

2:56

with me I feel very lucky and special.

2:58

So thank you so much for being here

3:00

It's just such an honor to

3:02

be here with you and I

3:04

know that you hold nothing back

3:06

so I cannot wait to jump

3:08

in and see where we're going

3:11

to go with this what inspired

3:13

the creation of the Let Them

3:15

theory so the Let Them theory

3:17

is the fastest way to take

3:19

control of your life It taught

3:21

me the more you learn how

3:23

to let other people live their

3:25

lives, the better your life is

3:27

going to be. And the more

3:30

you learn to let people be

3:32

themselves, the better your relationships get.

3:34

And there's two parts to the

3:36

Let Them theory. It's super simple.

3:38

Part one is whenever you feel

3:40

yourself getting frustrated or stressed out

3:42

or annoyed or worried about what

3:44

somebody else is doing or feeling

3:47

or saying, just say, let them.

3:49

to yourself. And that's going to

3:51

allow you to rise above what's

3:53

happening. And it's going to cue

3:55

you to stop trying to control

3:57

other people. And the second step,

3:59

Chrisie, is when you say, let

4:01

me. And this is where you

4:03

get your power back. When you

4:06

say let me, you're reminding yourself

4:08

that your power is not in

4:10

what other people are doing, your

4:12

power is always in your response.

4:14

When you focus on what you're

4:16

gonna do in response, you are

4:18

now in control of your life.

4:20

I can say that to myself

4:22

all I want. I can say

4:25

let them, let them, let them

4:27

think their thoughts, let. yourself be

4:29

misunderstood. It's okay. You have a

4:31

wonderful family, wonderful friends, a wonderful

4:33

life, but it is so incredibly

4:35

challenging for me. The one thing

4:37

I wish I could change was

4:39

that I wish I weren't so

4:42

misunderstood and I wish people knew

4:44

how good I was. And it's

4:46

so desperate sounding and so sad,

4:48

but that for me is my

4:50

biggest battle in life. Why are

4:52

you concerned about what other people

4:54

think? What is it that you're

4:56

actually afraid of? Since I was

4:58

little, I really wanted to be

5:01

loved and I really wanted adoration

5:03

and affection. I had a parent

5:05

that was not very touchy-feely. I

5:07

felt growing up that I was

5:09

someone that she could show off

5:11

and so when... I was little

5:13

and going up to people and

5:15

saying my words and tie are

5:17

doing what I was told and

5:20

being good, I got really good

5:22

feedback from that and I got

5:24

that feeling of always wanting to

5:26

be really good for everybody. And

5:28

it's been in me since I

5:30

was little. Thank you for sharing

5:32

that. And here's the thing. I

5:34

think we all struggle with this.

5:36

It is normal as a child

5:39

to want to feel loved and

5:41

we actually need it. That's why

5:43

we bond with our caregivers. That's

5:45

why we seek out that affection.

5:47

It makes us feel safe. But

5:49

what happens when we become adults

5:51

is that we never actually mature

5:53

our ability to get that adoration

5:56

and love and approval from ourselves

5:58

first. One of the things that

6:00

you're going to love about implementing

6:02

the Let them theory in your

6:04

life is that it truly teaches

6:06

you to stop that habit of

6:08

looking outside yourself for the thing

6:10

that you're actually seeking, Chrissy. The

6:12

more that you let other people

6:15

be, the better your life gets.

6:17

And the more you learn to

6:19

let other people be, the better

6:21

your life gets. And the more

6:23

you learn to let other people

6:25

be themselves, the better your relationships

6:27

get. especially the relationship with yourself.

6:29

Does that make sense? The relationship

6:31

with myself is the hardest part.

6:34

I've always been a punisher whether

6:36

it was through diets and food

6:38

emotionally or drinking. I always inflict

6:40

some kind of pain on myself

6:42

and punish myself for letting people

6:44

down or feeling like I wasn't

6:46

good enough in a group of

6:48

people and it's so all encompassing.

6:50

I very rarely leave the house

6:53

because when I do and... I

6:55

interact with people out in the

6:57

world, whether it's through work or

6:59

just being out shopping at the

7:01

grocery store. I just destroy myself

7:03

and work so hard to make

7:05

sure that they had the really

7:07

good experience with me. And then

7:10

I come home and I dwell

7:12

on it forever. It's getting so

7:14

exhausting being this mean to myself

7:16

and I don't know what it's

7:18

like to not be that way.

7:20

And if I could heal that

7:22

part of myself, so much would

7:24

change. So much of my day

7:26

would be free to... Think

7:29

of other things that really

7:31

matter. But right now I'm

7:33

in the prison of it.

7:35

You're clearly in a prison

7:37

of it because you've given

7:39

all the control to other

7:41

people. Your worth, your value,

7:43

whether or not you're happy,

7:45

whether or not you are

7:47

proud of yourself, is entirely

7:50

given away to other people's

7:52

reactions or what they say.

7:54

And just like you cannot...

7:56

control what another human being

7:58

feels you will never be

8:00

able to control what my

8:02

thoughts and feelings about you

8:04

are going to be. I

8:06

can by being really good.

8:08

No, you can't. When we're

8:10

done talking, can you control

8:12

what I'm going to say

8:14

about you when my two

8:16

daughters are like, can you

8:18

actually control what my thoughts

8:20

and feelings about you are

8:23

going to be? No. Excellent.

8:25

I'm saying that. There's another

8:27

level of me that I

8:29

can do the best I

8:31

can to ensure that you

8:33

are. Here's what I want

8:35

you to focus on. The

8:37

issue is you're focused on

8:39

me and what I think

8:41

of you. I want you

8:43

to start focusing on you

8:45

and what you think of

8:47

you. That's what matters. And

8:49

I'm going to prove something

8:51

to you. The people that

8:53

love you the most. So

8:56

who loves you more than

8:58

anybody on the planet? John.

9:00

And who do you feel

9:02

the safest with? John. Do

9:04

you think John has negative

9:06

thoughts about you? No. Baloney.

9:08

I know you love John,

9:10

so give me some negative

9:12

thoughts and opinions that you've

9:14

had about John today or

9:16

yesterday. Oh God. I think

9:18

one of the only fights

9:20

we really get in is

9:22

about scheduling or being home

9:24

enough, being together enough, without

9:26

kids, sometimes. I'll share some

9:29

for mine. So my husband

9:31

gets up in the morning

9:33

and farts and I'm like,

9:35

you're disgusting. Or I worked

9:37

late last night and it

9:39

came down in the kitchen

9:41

and he was eating Syria

9:43

and I'm like, why do

9:45

you, you're not making dinner?

9:47

What the hell? That's a

9:49

negative thought. My daughter Sawyer.

9:51

She's so intense. I'm like,

9:53

you need to chill, dude.

9:55

My daughter, Kendall, I love

9:57

her to pieces. Yeah, the

9:59

kid thing is easier for

10:02

me. I probably have, because

10:04

the kids can drive you

10:06

crazy, but John. so even

10:08

keeled and just... But doesn't

10:10

that drive you crazy? Aren't

10:12

you like sometimes? God, John,

10:14

don't you like... Yes, I

10:16

want some passion sometimes. I

10:18

want him to get mad

10:20

at me, I want him,

10:22

but yeah. So that's an

10:24

example of even though you

10:26

love the person, negative thoughts

10:28

pop in your mind. It

10:30

doesn't make you love him

10:32

less. And there are times

10:35

where you drive John flipping

10:37

crazy. He may not be

10:39

telling you this. But he's

10:41

thinking in his mind something

10:43

about you. And the point

10:45

I'm trying to make is

10:47

the average human being has

10:49

70,000 thoughts a day, Chrissy,

10:51

and they can barely control

10:53

what they're thinking. There is

10:55

never going to be a

10:57

moment where you can ensure

10:59

that another human being thinks

11:01

something that you want them

11:03

to think. That's not where

11:05

your power is. in the

11:08

let me part. So whenever

11:10

you feel yourself getting worked

11:12

up, whether it's a press

11:14

storm or it's something else,

11:16

let them. When you spend

11:18

all your time and energy

11:20

exhausting yourself to make everybody

11:22

else happy, you lose yourself.

11:24

It is not your job

11:26

when you become an adult,

11:28

Chrissy, to manage or fix

11:30

other adults' emotions. As a

11:32

parent. are responsible for helping

11:34

your children process their emotions

11:36

because children cannot regulate their

11:38

own emotions without an adult

11:41

helping them. But you are

11:43

never responsible for managing someone

11:45

else's emotions when they are

11:47

an adult. No matter what

11:49

you do, and I'm going

11:51

to share some things with

11:53

you to have you really

11:55

try to embrace the truth

11:57

of what I'm saying and

11:59

the freedom that is available

12:01

to you. Because it's so

12:03

sad to me to see

12:05

a woman that I respect

12:07

who has an extraordinary marriage.

12:09

You do so many remarkable

12:11

things. You are an unbelievable

12:14

businesswoman. And you place all

12:16

of this power that you

12:18

have in the hands of

12:20

strangers on the internet. And

12:22

you don't have to live

12:24

like this. It's so interesting.

12:26

When someone tells me something

12:28

that I needed to hear

12:30

or when I have an

12:32

epiphany about something, I get

12:34

this like incredible throbbing in

12:36

my wrist and arms. and

12:38

I can really feel it

12:40

so hard now. Well, what

12:42

is the epiphany that you're

12:44

getting? That I'm not alone

12:47

in this. Sometimes it feels

12:49

very isolating to feel this

12:51

way, and the fact that

12:53

other people feel imprisoned by

12:55

this too, that helps a

12:57

lot, because one of the

12:59

worst parts about it is

13:01

me feeling crazy or feeling

13:03

that nobody else will understand

13:05

this feeling. Why am I

13:07

like this? I'm really scared

13:09

of passing this along to

13:11

my kids. I think that

13:13

is the big realization for

13:15

me is I can't do

13:17

this to my kids. I

13:20

don't ever want them to

13:22

feel like they have to

13:24

perform for everybody and be

13:26

good all the time, but

13:28

I know that sometimes I

13:30

probably am that way. I

13:32

do want them to be

13:34

the most polite and I

13:36

don't want people to think

13:38

that they're just celebrity asshole

13:40

kids and so I might

13:42

go harder the other direction

13:44

to make sure that they

13:46

don't come off that way

13:48

and I really need to

13:50

break that because I'm okay

13:53

and this is another reason

13:55

I'm in therapy I'm okay

13:57

with me getting the shit

13:59

end of the stick on

14:01

anything or living this life

14:03

where I'm stressed and in

14:05

pain. but I'm not okay

14:07

with them. Yeah. Well, I

14:09

can see that really bothers

14:11

you. Yeah. Yeah, because I

14:13

see how much my interactions

14:15

with adults as a child

14:17

affected me from so many

14:19

different layers from whether it

14:21

was... Sexual or the reason

14:23

I became such a people

14:26

pleaser and that was through

14:28

sleeping with people it it

14:30

travels so far in my

14:32

life It's not just that

14:34

I wanted to smile and

14:36

say my little tie words

14:38

for people it went in

14:40

that it started that way.

14:42

Yes, but then I ended

14:44

up believing that I was

14:46

for everybody and my body

14:48

was for everybody and my

14:50

body was for everybody and

14:52

it took a hold on

14:54

every part of my life.

14:56

And as you can see,

14:59

it still has a hold

15:01

on me now. So I

15:03

cannot imagine this for my

15:05

kids. I hope that they

15:07

don't want to please everybody

15:09

in life. And I hope

15:11

that they know that their

15:13

body is their own, their

15:15

mind is their own, their

15:17

actions are their own, and

15:19

they can't control other people.

15:21

I cannot have them live

15:23

this way that I live.

15:25

Who is going to teach

15:27

them this? This. And that's

15:29

the enormous opportunity that you

15:32

have. When you understand what

15:34

you're dealing with, you have

15:36

the ability to face it

15:38

and to make decisions to

15:40

live differently. And that's exactly

15:42

what you're doing. And your

15:44

kids watch you. And they

15:46

are watching how much. strangers

15:48

and other people impact how

15:50

you feel about yourself. And

15:52

so as you take this

15:54

on and you truly start

15:56

to separate what is your

15:58

responsibility to manage, which is

16:00

your thoughts, your feelings, your

16:02

words, when you focus on

16:05

that. and you align your

16:07

values with how you show

16:09

up in life and you

16:11

put yourself first in that

16:13

regard, you are also showing

16:15

your children that there are

16:17

opinion of themselves is more

16:19

are still processing something that

16:21

bothers you. How can someone

16:23

start practicing let them with

16:25

close family members where emotional

16:27

ties and expectations run deep?

16:29

You're going to need the

16:31

let them theory with your

16:33

family more than anywhere else

16:35

in your life. Here's the

16:38

truth about your family. They're

16:40

not changing. And they have

16:42

the strongest opinions, they have

16:44

the strongest opinions about who

16:46

you are and what you

16:48

should do and how you

16:50

should live your life, and

16:52

they think they're right. and

16:54

they also anchor their opinions

16:56

in wanting the best for

16:58

you. The let them theory

17:00

allows you to let your

17:02

family be who they are.

17:04

Stop trying to change them,

17:06

stop expecting them to change,

17:08

give them the space to

17:11

roll their eyes, give them

17:13

the space to not be

17:15

that transformed, our parents gave

17:17

us, what they gave us,

17:19

what they had to give.

17:21

Most of our parents do

17:23

not want to look at

17:25

their issues. They've never been

17:27

to therapy. They didn't get

17:29

the emotional support that they

17:31

needed. And so they only

17:33

repeated the patterns that were

17:35

done to them. And I

17:37

don't say that to justify

17:39

anything that happened. I say

17:41

that because I find that

17:44

it is helpful to understand

17:46

that so that I don't

17:48

feel like it is such

17:50

a personal thing. See, I

17:52

just said that you can't

17:54

change your family. But I

17:56

didn't say you could. couldn't

17:58

change yourself. All it takes

18:00

is one person in a

18:02

family to start showing up

18:04

differently. And the beautiful thing

18:06

about a family is that

18:08

it is an interconnected network

18:10

of relationships. If you start

18:12

showing up and you're calmer

18:14

and you're less reactive to

18:17

mom's outbursts and you are

18:19

more accepting and you have

18:21

better boundaries, a funny thing

18:23

happens. it starts to ripple

18:25

through the entire family system,

18:27

because you're the one that

18:29

changed. You mentioned that let

18:31

them can radically shift how

18:33

we approach conflict. What can

18:35

someone do in a tense

18:37

situation where they feel overwhelmed

18:39

by someone else's emotions using

18:41

the principles of let them?

18:43

One of the things that

18:45

triggers me a lot, Christie,

18:47

is that we've got three

18:50

adult kids, and recently one

18:52

of them went through a

18:54

breakup, and I... felt

18:56

just destroyed by having a

18:59

child that was mourning the

19:01

loss of a relationship. And

19:03

using the let them theory,

19:06

it's hard. I'm not going

19:08

to lie. It's easy to

19:10

say the words, let them

19:13

be sad. Let them be

19:15

in a depressive state. Let

19:17

them cry for days. Let

19:20

them be worried that they're

19:22

never going to meet somebody.

19:24

I'm talking adults here. The

19:26

space to process normal, healthy,

19:29

human emotions is an act

19:31

of love. It's a mentally

19:33

healthy response, and that's what

19:36

you can ask yourself. Is

19:38

the response appropriate for the

19:40

thing they're going through? And

19:43

it is appropriate for somebody

19:45

to be sad and devastated

19:47

and grieving when they get

19:49

broken up with. Let them.

19:52

If you screw up at

19:54

work, it's appropriate for your

19:57

boss to be upset or...

19:59

disappointed. Let them. Let people

20:01

have the space to feel

20:03

what they need to feel.

20:05

Do you find yourself less

20:07

confrontational because of the let

20:09

them theory? Will you still

20:11

look at somebody dead in

20:13

the eyes and say that

20:15

disappointed me or you disappointed

20:17

me or that wasn't a

20:19

good job because that's very

20:21

tough for me as well?

20:23

I am way less confrontational

20:25

and here's why. The point

20:27

of life is to allow

20:29

yourself to live your life.

20:31

and you won't feel the

20:33

full potential of your life

20:35

if you hold yourself hostage

20:37

to managing everybody else. And

20:39

so for me, there's a

20:41

lot of stuff I used

20:43

to pour my time and

20:45

energy into that's not worth

20:47

my time and energy. There's

20:49

a lot of email chains

20:51

that I'd be like writing

20:53

an email because I'm all

20:55

stressed out about something and

20:57

trying to prove my point,

20:59

just to make it worse.

21:01

There's a lot of conversations

21:03

where I would chime in

21:05

because I would hope somebody

21:08

would think something about me

21:10

that I realize I don't

21:12

really have anything to add

21:14

here. And it's created a

21:16

tremendous amount of peace in

21:18

my life. And the part

21:20

that you and I have

21:22

talked a lot about, which

21:24

is letting them feel what

21:26

they need to feel, not

21:28

making it your job to

21:30

manage somebody's feelings, and letting

21:32

people have negative thoughts, it

21:34

is created so much peace.

21:36

Because when you let other

21:38

adults be adults, you also

21:40

let yourself be you. And

21:42

you can't do that until

21:44

you first stop trying to

21:46

manage what other people are

21:48

thinking and feeling. You can

21:50

think a negative thought about

21:52

John, and you can still

21:54

love him. And he can

21:56

think that you're... messy or

21:58

late or you're too emotional

22:00

or he probably has a

22:02

lot of opinions about how

22:04

you let everybody else get

22:06

to you and it frustrates

22:08

him and makes him sad

22:10

and all this stuff and

22:12

he still loves you and

22:14

is proud of you and

22:16

thinks you're the most amazing

22:19

strong human being on the

22:21

planet based on everything that

22:23

you've survived. Two things can

22:25

be true at once and

22:27

it can also be true

22:29

that the press can write

22:31

horrible things about you and

22:33

you know you are a

22:35

good person because you know

22:37

how you live your life

22:39

every day and what you

22:41

value. And when you learn

22:43

how to hold space for

22:45

both things to happen. There

22:47

is this incredible peace and

22:49

power that's going to come

22:51

over your life, Chrisie. I

22:53

feel lighter even thinking about

22:55

it, so I can't imagine

22:57

if I actually said this

22:59

to myself on a daily

23:01

basis or high-fived myself in

23:03

the mirror in the morning

23:05

and said something nice. This

23:07

is a different kind of

23:09

conversation is because the Lethen

23:11

theory isn't a concept. it's

23:13

a tool. And so it's

23:15

not something that you're going

23:17

to talk about, it's something

23:19

you're going to use in

23:21

your life. And when you

23:23

say let them, you're practicing

23:25

something called detachment theory, which

23:27

is detaching from your emotions

23:30

and detaching from managing other

23:32

people, and you're practicing drawing

23:34

from tenets of Buddhism and

23:36

major world religions, and you

23:38

are also tapping into neuroscience

23:40

and the truth that you

23:42

can't control other people, which

23:44

is why you feel crazy

23:46

when you try to do

23:48

it. And the tool is

23:50

what's powerful, the saying of

23:52

let them, and then the

23:54

let me part reminds you

23:56

of where your power is.

23:58

When you start using it,

24:00

you're going to use it

24:02

all the time, because I'm

24:04

going to be honest. Other

24:06

people are super annoying, and

24:08

they're very stressful. and they

24:10

do things that are irritating

24:12

as hell and your kids

24:14

will have tantrums and stuff

24:16

that you don't want them

24:18

to do and they're going

24:20

to fight you on putting

24:22

their shoes on and you're

24:24

just going to let them.

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