0:00

This episode is brought to you

0:02

by Progressive Insurance. You chose to

0:04

hit play on this podcast today.

0:06

Smart choice. Make another smart choice

0:08

with auto quote explorer to compare

0:10

rates from multiple car insurance companies

0:12

all at once. Try it

0:14

at progressive.com. Progressive Casualty

0:17

Insurance Company and affiliates not

0:19

available in all states or

0:21

situations. Prices vary based on

0:24

how you buy. And so Ace, I know

0:26

you and I, before we started, we

0:28

had decided on the game we're going

0:30

to play to sync the audio. Do

0:32

you want to do that now?

0:34

Uh, yeah, sure. And Strawberry, you'll

0:36

be able to pick up and

0:38

just hop in whenever it feels

0:40

appropriate for you, okay? Oh, all

0:42

right. We're not going to tell you

0:45

what we're doing, but you'll figure

0:47

it out soon enough. I'm smart

0:49

and stuff. All right. Well Ace,

0:51

I made it, despite your directions.

0:53

Ah, Superintendent

0:55

Balso. Welcome. I hope

0:58

you're ready for an

1:00

unforgettable podcast.

1:02

Yes. I've seen Steamed Hands

1:05

twice in my life. All

1:07

right. At least you know

1:09

what it is. Strawberry, do

1:12

you have the next line

1:14

of the sequence? Do you

1:16

guys have that memorized or?

1:18

Because like I could say

1:20

like, you don't understand. This

1:22

is fucking, we are brain

1:25

rot, we are brain rotted

1:27

Gen Z degenerates and we've

1:29

each seen steamed hands like

1:32

fucking multitudes of times in

1:34

various different ways of being

1:36

presented. So yes. So the

1:38

thing is, right, is that I've

1:40

seen the variant so much that

1:43

the original is like. Slip through

1:45

my fingers like the sand

1:48

sometime. Okay, I've got the

1:50

transcript open on Simpson's pedia.

1:53

Which I guess it would suggest

1:55

the next line is, E. Gads,

1:57

my roast is ruined. But what

1:59

it? if I were

2:01

to purchase fast food

2:04

and disguise it as

2:06

my own cooking. Delightfully

2:08

devilish Seymour. Ah, superintendent,

2:11

I hope you're ready

2:13

for moth-watering hamburgers. Why

2:15

is there smoke coming

2:17

out of your oven,

2:20

Seymour? Oh, that's not

2:22

smoke. It's steam. Steam

2:24

from the steamed clams

2:27

we're having. Mm-mm-mm-mm. Steam

2:29

clams. Oh no, we

2:31

jumped. That's not on

2:33

my... I think that's

2:36

enough to sink the

2:38

audio. We're good. Yeah,

2:40

no, this good sucks.

2:43

It's kind of hard

2:45

to do with three

2:47

people and it's a

2:49

two-person skip. Yeah, I

2:52

don't know if you

2:54

want to keep this

2:56

on the podcast. This

2:58

is all going in.

3:01

What do you mean?

3:03

Is that what I

3:05

have agreed to? Chris

3:08

R. R. Boussoe, aka

3:10

CB, writes well, and

3:12

I am here with

3:14

my esteemed guests, not

3:17

steamed hands, but my

3:19

esteemed guests, Ace D.

3:21

Wizard, and introducing Strawberry

3:24

Porg. Why don't you

3:26

fellas, introduce yourselves any

3:28

more than that? My

3:30

name's Ace D Wizard.

3:33

I'm a real-life wizard.

3:35

Don't look it up.

3:37

Do your own research.

3:40

And I'm Strawberry Porg,

3:42

a real-life strawberry. We

3:44

can talk now. But

3:46

not a real pork.

3:49

No, those were made

3:51

up by Lucas Film.

3:53

Lucas Films Entertainment Industries.

3:56

Okay, so I'm very

3:58

excited to have. Both of

4:00

you here, especially your strawberry. I

4:02

know you're you're you're you're

4:04

in the writers group I know you're the

4:07

one like who's going for the Pulitzer out

4:09

of all of us I see how I

4:11

learned from the story lords, you know

4:13

Exactly I mean Ace you're like a

4:15

mainstay at this point. So like

4:17

you're just like a given with

4:20

but strawberry is like a special

4:22

guest today. I'm everyone's favorite. So

4:24

anyway, we're here We have we

4:26

have written stories for one another's

4:28

amusement and What were those lovely

4:31

prompts again? Who would like

4:33

to say? We got a

4:35

prompt for one second. Temples?

4:37

And comets. Yeah, temples. Yeah,

4:40

comets and temples were our

4:42

prompts and we just decided

4:44

to... I don't know how long,

4:46

strawberry you've been keeping your

4:48

story in the vault, but me

4:51

and Ace, we just kind of hustled

4:53

to get this done over the

4:55

course of like maybe a week

4:57

or so. Yeah, it

4:59

was a bit of a

5:01

sprint less of a marathon.

5:04

Yeah, I know Ace you

5:06

finished yours today. Is that

5:08

correct? Are the allegations true?

5:10

Listen, I am super good

5:13

about headlines and any allegations

5:15

that I may have finished

5:17

like 20 minutes before the

5:19

writing, the writings. the writing

5:22

club meeting, or grossly exaggerated,

5:24

and frankly, I think that

5:26

anyone that brings forth those

5:28

allegations should be discredited, especially

5:31

if their names acely wizard. All

5:33

right, so in that case, how

5:35

about you, you start us off

5:38

with your story of comets and

5:40

temples? All right. Yeah. Chew the

5:43

music. Well

5:54

guys, I hope you're ready for an unforgettable story.

5:56

You know this story is kind of similar to

5:58

the one you read last week week. Oh no

6:00

no no, there's a brand new one. Anyways,

6:03

anyways. This

6:06

story is called Belgalora's Epic

6:08

Quest to Score. Oh hell

6:10

yeah. A Tale of Comets

6:12

and Temples by AceDWizard. You

6:14

know this character is quite

6:16

similar to the one you

6:18

read last time. Eh,

6:21

mayhaps. Well Belgalora's

6:23

a fucking fan favorite for sure,

6:25

at least for me. I'm really glad

6:27

you feel that way. She's

6:29

popular with my friend Viola

6:31

too, and she's kind of

6:33

based on her. Hopefully

6:36

this is a great jumping on point for

6:38

me then. Ah yeah, it's

6:40

fine. You'll enjoy it.

6:42

I'm sure I will. Last time

6:44

on the Jaxleborn Chronicles Gaiden. Go

6:47

fuck yourself Fulio! You're a

6:49

third -rate diviner with a

6:51

fourth -rate beast! Raido Kaido did

6:53

a cool hand flourish, his

6:56

longcode fluttering in the wind.

6:58

Go ahead, draw your last

7:00

pathetic divination! Justice

7:02

Mon was struggling to stand. This

7:04

had been a long tough duel,

7:06

and Fulio was on the back

7:08

foot. My grandmother's deck

7:11

has no pathetic cards.

7:13

Kaido, Fulio then turned their

7:15

cool iconic mage ball

7:17

cap backwards. So that way

7:20

the audience knows that

7:22

shit just got real. I

7:24

believe in the heart

7:26

of the Arcana, with a

7:28

chuckle to themselves, Fulio drew

7:31

this last card and posed

7:33

dramatically. It seems that the

7:35

Wheel of Fortune turns once

7:37

more! Can Fulio

7:39

be able to

7:41

clutch this win? What card have

7:43

they pulled? Will Raido Kaido

7:45

threaten to fucking kill himself

7:47

over our children's card game?

7:49

Find out next time! Find

7:52

out in the next chapter

7:54

of Arcana Beast GX! The

7:56

journey begins! Advance Battle Max,

7:58

Vol. 24, Kaido - to kill himself

8:01

over children's card game. That's a

8:03

good title, I like that. I'm

8:05

glad that's fully original and all

8:08

from your brain and not like

8:10

anything else. Yeah, not derivative of

8:12

anything at all, I've heard of.

8:15

Yeah, no, this, I, I, I,

8:17

by the way, I've never heard

8:19

of Pokemon, Yu, or Digi Mon.

8:22

Never heard of it, huh? Yeah,

8:24

I'm glad you know the names,

8:26

you know what you know what

8:29

you haven't heard of. Also, I'm

8:31

looking to move out soon, if

8:33

any of you like want to

8:36

start living under a rock, under

8:38

a rock, uh, hit me up,

8:41

okay. And now for the continuation

8:43

of the Jatsuborn Chronicles, Guyden. Damn,

8:45

the gods sure did a fantastic

8:48

job with the night sky. Bites!

8:50

Between the three moons of Suna,

8:52

uh, and then I put a

8:55

author's note, the planet that Jatsul

8:57

is on. the plentiful stars in

8:59

the star sky, and of course

9:02

the aurora borealis localized entirely within

9:04

that beautiful void black canvas. At

9:06

this part of this time of

9:09

year at this time of day

9:11

in this part of the province?

9:13

Yes, exactly. It's just all steamed

9:16

hands references this whole episode. I'm

9:18

sorry strawberry. It's okay. That's fine.

9:21

It's fine. I promise you. That's

9:23

my last one. However, the crown

9:25

jewel among them has gots to

9:28

be the lover's comment. A twin

9:30

pair of comets that perfectly orbit

9:32

each other in an elegantly balanced

9:35

cosmic dance. It graces the lance

9:37

of Jazzle but once every 75

9:39

years. It was romantic as hell.

9:42

And as such, it was a

9:44

pretty good chance to get some

9:46

stink on your hang-down, some jam

9:49

in your clam or even hold

9:51

hands and kiss your partner's cheek,

9:53

pissed you like that. Some jam

9:56

on your clam, you said? Jam

9:58

in your clam! clam, of course,

10:01

of course. This is my type

10:03

of story. Very sexual tale

10:05

you got so far. Yeah,

10:07

well, it's a Belgalore story.

10:10

Absolutely. She's an adult, whatever.

10:13

Belgalora wasn't about

10:15

to let this opportunity pass her

10:17

up. She kicked open the

10:19

door in her half-burned-down hut,

10:21

like a combination of Shrek

10:24

and Pusco. She was on

10:26

an epic quest. An epic

10:28

quest to score. The plan

10:30

was simplicity itself. First, she would

10:32

get some awesome loot from a

10:35

dungeon. Then, when she put on

10:37

that epic loot, the ladies would

10:39

start flooding in. Belgalora would

10:41

then treat them, and

10:44

herself, to a positively

10:46

Dionysian orgytastic fuck festival.

10:48

It's a good plan. Then, yeah, then, maybe

10:50

she'd be happy, and finally fill

10:52

the void in her heart that's

10:54

been haunting her since early childhood.

10:57

Before any of that, however, she had

10:59

a train to catch. Lunaria may be

11:01

a goth kid's doom and gloom-filled wet

11:03

nightmare, but its lute table was hot

11:05

garbage, unless you like the shit plague,

11:07

I guess. To that end, she was

11:09

going to buy a ticket to Tomora,

11:11

where the real Primo loot is. The

11:13

train ride was quiet and pretty

11:16

uneventful. There was a bar

11:18

who was handing out record stones

11:20

to promote his sound spell spell

11:22

album, and the train attendant was

11:24

super-kew with a pencil-skirt and tiny

11:27

hat. But for however down-horrendous, down-stupendous,

11:29

or down-rambunctious, Belgalora was, even she

11:31

wouldn't stoop so low as to

11:33

hit on a lady at her

11:36

workplace. The fresh air of Tomoro was

11:38

a far cry from the oppressive atmosphere

11:40

of Lunaria. Guess that was one of the

11:42

benefits of living on a not-cursed

11:44

land with thin borders to a

11:47

nightmare dimension. The rent was probably

11:49

way more expensive, though, so it's

11:51

a give-and-take. The weather and walk from

11:53

the train station was so pleasant

11:55

in fact that Belgalora scarcely noticed

11:57

the cut to the dungeon entrance.

12:00

A single guard crossed

12:02

his spear, blocking the dungeon entrance,

12:04

and lacked the punch of if

12:06

another guy would mirrored his movements

12:08

to make an X -Formation. The

12:10

guard cleared his throat and spoke in

12:12

a voice that sounded a bit like

12:14

Patrick Warbur. And I hate you past Ace,

12:16

because I can't do a Patrick Warbur.

12:18

Hey, Bader! Yeah. Whoa

12:22

there, buddy. You got a license for

12:24

this dungeon? Belgalora

12:26

raised an eyebrow. License? Guard

12:29

nodded. Yeah. Yeah. You

12:31

must not be from around here.

12:33

See, in Tolmuro, you need a

12:35

guild license to enter any kind

12:37

of dungeon, like the temple of

12:39

fuck you loot over there. It's

12:41

for everyone's safety and - look, man,

12:43

I listened to this nature scarcast last

12:45

night, so I'm trying to take a

12:47

page from the Peacock Handbook and get

12:49

a cool piece of loot so I

12:51

can show a babe a strapping good

12:53

time if you know what I mean.

12:55

I'm talking, you know phehens don't fan

12:57

like that. What? Yeah,

13:00

the ostentatious display of feathers,

13:02

dances, or showing of cool sticks

13:04

is more of a male

13:06

behavior. What are you, an

13:08

orthologist? I dabble. I lead a rich

13:10

inner life, you know. Belgalora

13:13

suppressed the urge to roll

13:15

her eyes, the witch's eyes widened

13:17

as she reached into her

13:19

back pocket. Oh, right,

13:21

the license. That's what this is,

13:23

right? Some guy at the guild hall

13:25

gave me this. She handed the guard

13:27

a folded piece of paper. He looked

13:30

at it inquisitively. Ma

13:32

'am, this isn't a Class 3

13:34

guild license. This is a scrap

13:36

of paper that someone wrote. He

13:39

put on his readers. I cast

13:41

explosive runes, and then suddenly, with

13:43

an audible click, the note exploded.

13:45

The note exploded the guard directly

13:47

into a yantra crater. Oh no. Belgalora

13:51

took the time to cast

13:53

a telekinetic disc and do a

13:55

boneless into an indie 360

13:57

over the smoldering crater. Oh

14:00

my fucking God, that's me. Style

14:02

and class. Just imagining kronk, just

14:04

sitting there with his readers. I

14:06

cast explosion of myself spell, fucking

14:09

dies, yam sha crater. Third edition

14:11

D&D was wild stuff. Yeah. I

14:13

got part of that gag from

14:15

Order of the Stick, by the

14:18

way. That's a fun webcom. Yeah.

14:20

D&D webcomic. I get these references.

14:22

Yeah. Yeah, of course. To nothing

14:25

that you've never seen or heard

14:27

or read. Yeah, no, I've, I've,

14:29

I've, I've existed in like a

14:31

shadow the hedgehog like green tube

14:34

and then they flushed me out

14:36

when I started reading stories. Belle

14:38

galore soon found herself in a

14:40

large room cut in half by

14:43

an artificial flowing river. You know

14:45

that this place was fancy because

14:47

the torches on the wall lit

14:49

up as she entered. They were

14:52

a bright blue and gave off

14:54

great illumination. Belle galore recognized some

14:56

of the ruin work as forger

14:59

crafted. That's forger with a capital

15:01

F. For those of you that

15:03

aren't reading my word document. Either

15:05

this place was older than dirt's

15:08

dusty dick and balls, or the

15:10

folks that built this place really

15:12

knew their stuff. There were three

15:14

statues on her side of the

15:17

river. They depicted a wolf, a

15:19

chicken, and a sack of corn.

15:21

There were three statue-sized divots on

15:23

the floor on the other side

15:26

of the river. Just as Belgalora

15:28

took in her surroundings. A booming

15:30

voice filled the room. Greetings, adventurer!

15:33

What lies before thee is a

15:35

test of wis- Yeah, yeah, yeah,

15:37

a puzzle to prove my blah

15:39

blah, shut the fuck up! Belgalore

15:42

got onto her telekinetic disc, did

15:44

a dark slide grind off of

15:46

one of the statues, into a

15:48

no-complai, clearing the river. The witch

15:51

then did a front flip, and

15:53

as she did, she stuck a

15:55

metric fuck load of spell tags

15:57

onto her disc, and kicked the

16:00

disc, door before setting off the

16:02

detonation. She had just enough time

16:04

to turn around and put on

16:07

some manifested sunglasses, because cool guys

16:09

don't look at explosions, also applies

16:11

to women of the arcane arts.

16:13

She turned around as the explosion

16:15

settled. Fuck! There was no one around

16:17

to see how cool that was! Damn it!

16:20

Well, at least the doors opened. She

16:22

gingerly climbed over the rubble

16:24

and continued on her quest. What

16:26

a way to do with the

16:28

witch was a long-ass hallway. It

16:30

was clearly trapped to the circles

16:32

of hell in back. Seriously, she

16:34

could see the animation cells and

16:36

everything. And it looks like a

16:38

witch at the end unlocked the door.

16:41

She started looking around for some

16:43

kind of way to disarm the

16:45

traps or something, but was having

16:47

no luck. Then that voice came

16:49

back from nowhere. What a unique

16:51

solution! Truly! You have wits! But do

16:54

you have the strength to... Shh, shut

16:56

the fuck up! She found a dead

16:58

skeleton. She ripped off its arms.

17:00

Don't mind me, just doing a

17:02

bit of recycling. She took out a knife

17:05

from her pack and stabbed her own

17:07

finger. As her scarlet red blood fell

17:09

to the ground, she drew a

17:12

magical circle with intricate geometry.

17:14

She mage handed the rest of

17:16

the skeleton into the center and added

17:18

a bit of her own hair to

17:20

the center, too. Skellaman isn't

17:22

going to have enough HD for all

17:25

that hallway. Gonna need something a

17:27

little meatier. She started chanting

17:29

as her eyes, normally a

17:31

deep amifist purple, darkened into

17:33

void black with crackles of a

17:36

profane red. Soon a meat demon

17:38

rose from the pool of blood.

17:40

It screamed a guttural cry that

17:42

rattled the hallway. The witch plunged

17:45

her twisted obsidian dagger directly into

17:47

the meat demon's head, killing it.

17:49

Still in the throes of her

17:51

fugue state, she slammed her hands

17:53

down into the ground, and soon

17:56

her profane elkamy was done. She

17:58

had made a zomilton. half

18:00

zombie, half skeleton, the toxic

18:02

loveless marriage between the skeleton's

18:05

speed and ability to use

18:07

tools and a zombie's hardiness

18:10

and ability to shrug off

18:12

damage together at last. The

18:15

zombleton rehinged its jaw. Mom,

18:17

me? That's right dear. I'm your

18:19

mother and mother wants you to go

18:21

to the end of that hallway and

18:23

throw that switch there. She grabbed

18:26

her horrific abomination by the

18:28

shoulder and rotated them to

18:30

face the hallway with an

18:32

Orch J. Sipsch's shit load

18:34

of traps. Her hands sunk

18:36

into it a little bit

18:38

as some meat began to

18:40

sluice off. With a little

18:42

push, she sent her sins

18:44

against the gods on Mary

18:46

Little Way. The camera stays on

18:49

Belgolora as she leans up against the

18:51

wall. of the entryway and starts pondering

18:53

her orb. She put in her ear

18:56

spots and queued up a scrycast. Belgalora

18:58

had built up quite a backlog of

19:00

my wizard, my wizard and me episodes.

19:03

Sounds of explosions, bus saws, and

19:05

an undead horror, learning what pain was,

19:07

were all drowned out by the show

19:09

where three bars pretended to be wizards

19:12

and gave and give arcane advice. It

19:14

was pretty... I want to listen to

19:16

listen to this show now. You know

19:19

one of the hosts is a griffin,

19:21

right? Yeah, yeah, it's okay It was

19:23

pretty all right. It was no

19:25

wizard scroll nights parentheses

19:28

nights dot wave nights

19:30

But it was pretty good

19:32

a solid B plus When

19:34

the commotion and hoopla

19:36

finally died down which leisurely

19:39

made her way through the

19:41

corridor they can sure to

19:44

step over any chunks of

19:46

chuck and bonemeal The door

19:48

was still locked fast

19:50

It seems that Zobelton

19:53

wasn't able to pull

19:55

the lever. Did I do good?

19:57

Mom, me? The lowly wretch

20:00

squeezed out her blood pooling from

20:02

its wounds. Yeah, you did great.

20:04

Hey, could you turn around for

20:06

me? The Zombelton did so with

20:08

great effort. Did good, it said, with

20:10

a sense of satisfaction. Yeah,

20:12

that's right, Lenny. Just keep looking

20:14

at the bunnies. She then pulled

20:16

out a gun in with a

20:19

single bullet through the brain she

20:21

ended it, putting the thing out

20:23

of its misery. At least she's

20:25

merciful. Yeah. Belle Galora made a

20:27

mental note to get into gallum

20:29

crafting. Those things were way less

20:31

of a mess. The third chamber

20:33

also had the same automatic

20:36

tortures. The voice came back and

20:38

gave a little huff before speaking.

20:40

You know, I get the feeling. You

20:42

aren't really engaging with the dungeon.

20:45

We put a lot of effort

20:47

into... What? Sorry, I wasn't listening.

20:50

Belle Galora took out her

20:52

earsputs. It's fine. Whatever. Okay,

20:54

fine. The chamber had two gallum

20:56

guardians who crossed their spears

20:58

together. And yeah, it totally

21:00

had a much stronger effect

21:02

than that last joker. They were

21:05

guarding two doors, a red one on

21:07

the left and a blue one on the

21:09

right. The gallum spoke in unison.

21:11

One of us tells lies. The other one

21:14

only tells the truth. You must use

21:16

your heart to discern which of us

21:18

is which. Belle Galora gave it

21:20

a moment and wondered how she could...

21:22

how she would get past

21:25

this diabolical pitfall. Suddenly she

21:27

thought back to something that

21:30

her father said back when

21:32

she was a child. Flash,

21:34

underscore back, underscore sound, underscore

21:37

effect, underscore dot, underscore wave,

21:39

dot, underscore wave, underscore, p3.

21:42

That's how most of my

21:44

sound effects are filed as,

21:46

yeah. Fantastic. But yeah,

21:48

if we could get that post,

21:51

I'd degrade. Flashback harp.

21:53

Yeah. Belle Galora is

21:55

in her childhood home. She

21:57

was trying to play with her

21:59

doll. Her father cracked

22:01

his second six pack open. His

22:04

words were already slurring, she

22:06

stood stock still. What

22:08

the fuck is this bell

22:10

blade bullshit anyways? That and

22:12

my dick, you were either

22:14

a marshal or a caster and

22:17

we liked it that way. It

22:19

was fine, now everyone's picking on

22:21

these fucking weirdo classes cause

22:24

they gotta be so special.

22:26

Ever since that wench -in

22:28

law blew up your

22:30

strumpet mother she's been hanging

22:32

around here a lot

22:34

more. I thought I'd be

22:36

ridz of them by now, but

22:38

no. Plus I'm

22:40

stuck with you, you

22:42

third misogynistic epithet. Gods, I

22:45

hate women. Oh by the

22:47

way, you just asked the

22:49

guards something that's obviously true

22:51

and bada bing raiding, gringa

22:53

ding ding, lead pain

22:55

is delicious. Reverse

22:59

underscore flashback

23:02

underscore.underscore ogg

23:04

.webm I got that

23:06

one too, don't worry. All right, thank

23:08

you. Man,

23:11

I need to start drinking more

23:13

bell galore said unprompted. So

23:18

the gulm on the

23:21

left interrupted. How will

23:23

you, power word scunch,

23:25

suddenly calm susser Todd started

23:27

playing. Second author's note

23:29

linked for your convenience. That's

23:31

the song from Avan Gellion during

23:33

third impact. It

23:36

all returns

23:38

to nothing.

23:41

It all keeps tumbling

23:43

down, tumbling down. Yeah,

23:46

you'll be able to find it. That

23:48

song is, it's always a pleasure when

23:50

when A .C .D. Wizards starts to sing

23:52

on the podcast. I'm a great singer.

23:54

You know, I've never been treated so,

23:56

so I'm glad to be witness. You

24:00

know, started playing as a bright

24:02

ruby red burst of raw arcane

24:04

force set itself upon the gallum.

24:07

Electric hands tearing at a sunder,

24:09

a limb from limb, as it

24:11

discarts the detritus into the spell's

24:13

core. Once the bits of the

24:16

gallum pass through the event horizon

24:18

of the spell, it is atomized,

24:20

reduced the raw untamed nothingness from

24:22

the beginning of the universe. There

24:25

was gallum here. It was unmade.

24:27

The other gallum flashed back. They

24:29

were their partner for untold

24:31

millennia. They would get high

24:33

off of magnets and look

24:35

at this cool lava fountain

24:37

together. Sometime during the last

24:39

age, they leaned in close, really close.

24:42

He was too much of a coward

24:44

to do anything about it. It

24:46

was killing him inside, and

24:48

his partner was gone in an

24:50

instant. The gallum fell to his

24:53

knees, tears streaming down its face.

24:55

He cups the dust that was

24:57

once the love of his life.

24:59

Hey, Bucko! The witch turned her

25:01

attention to the alive gollum.

25:03

Mine telling me which spell I

25:06

just cast. You brought him to

25:08

life. I hated him. Barely knew

25:10

him from a small fraction of

25:12

my life. I hated him. I'll

25:14

see him again. Hey, aren't

25:16

you supposed to answer my

25:19

question? Belle Galora tilted her

25:21

head and put her index

25:23

finger to her chin. You

25:25

cast curilite wounds. God's, could

25:28

you imagine that? No, I'm deaf

25:30

of more of a DPS than

25:32

I support. The only thing I

25:34

support are these bad bitches. She

25:36

jestered to her cool boobs. Anyways...

25:38

Are they out this whole time

25:40

or is she covered up in

25:42

this dungeon? Yeah, no, she has

25:45

clothes on, it's just, she's jester.

25:47

Otherwise they wouldn't be supported. Gotcha,

25:49

gotcha. Yeah, come on. Right, okay,

25:51

okay, okay, but, yeah. It's the only

25:54

thing she supports. Anyways,

25:56

that sweet sweet trash is

25:58

behind that blue door. Correct.

26:00

He put his friend's ashes to

26:02

his face as regret burned into

26:04

his heart. What would he do to

26:06

put his partner to rest?

26:08

He couldn't scatter his friend's

26:10

ashes to the heartless dungeon.

26:12

Okay, thanks. Bye! The witch

26:15

skipped over to the red

26:17

door and went through, leaving

26:19

the gallum to mourn. The

26:21

last room was pretty simple.

26:23

It was a staircase and

26:25

it led to a single

26:27

treasure chest. Fuck yeah, let's

26:29

go!" She scampered up the

26:31

staircase on all fours. The

26:33

voice came back. It started

26:35

slow clapping sarcastically. Wow!

26:37

Congrats! You super cleared the

26:40

dungeon in the intended manner.

26:42

This won't be a pain

26:45

in the ass to clean

26:47

up at all! Take the

26:49

treasure! You've earned it! Whatever

26:51

man, maybe next time design a

26:53

better dungeon. Three puzzles in a

26:56

straight line. The second one wasn't even

26:58

a fucking puzzle. It was, hope you

27:00

have enough HP to live this! What,

27:02

was that so the tanks don't get

27:04

bored? This temple sucks and it

27:06

isn't helped by some judgmental voice

27:09

telling me everything that I do

27:11

is wrong. If I wanted that, I wouldn't

27:13

have killed my aunt. That's a reference

27:15

to the first story. She threw

27:17

open the Charzer chest. Inside

27:20

there were six gold pieces.

27:22

A level two dagger of

27:24

mild pointedness and a two

27:27

for one coupon for

27:29

health potions at

27:32

Quest Buy. Belgalora

27:34

Quest Buy. Belgalora

27:37

flipped over the coupon.

27:39

It was expired.

27:41

Man, even she wouldn't fuck

27:44

her with this loot. And

27:46

she was desperate. Totally pumped

27:49

your ass? Now get ready

27:51

to face your secret fourth

27:54

trial. You may have overcome

27:56

this temple, but can you

27:59

overcome yourself? A dramatic thunderclap

28:01

and piano sting filled the room,

28:03

much like the purple mist that

28:05

spilled from the chest and began

28:07

to envelop Belgalora. It floated her

28:09

up in the air a little

28:11

bit as she breathed it in.

28:13

Then, as quickly as it started,

28:15

it was over. And before Belgalora

28:17

was herself, but this Belgalora

28:19

had white hair and a white

28:22

witch's hat and cleric robes. I

28:24

am a shadow. The truth is

28:27

a hachi -machi! Our Belgalora clapped

28:29

her hands. She was practically

28:31

turning into a cartoon wolf. Ain't

28:33

no way I'm this hot!

28:35

How about you and I blow

28:38

this? This is all pointless,

28:40

isn't it? The clawing loneliness,

28:42

we feel? This

28:44

comment, this plan, was just yet

28:46

another lie that we tell

28:48

ourselves, that there's hope for us.

28:51

Belgalora's face fell. I mean, yeah,

28:54

this was probably gonna end in some kind of

28:56

failure. I just rushed into this and didn't

28:58

even read any reviews of the dungeons

29:00

here. It was more of an excuse to

29:02

leave the house at anything. However,

29:05

in my defense, the witch joined

29:07

hands with her shadow. We can

29:09

still find joy in the pointless,

29:11

and frankly, finding joy wherever you can

29:13

is pretty kickass, if you ask me.

29:16

And, uh, not for nothing, but

29:18

as much as you're me, I'm you.

29:20

And I know I fucking hate

29:22

this place, let's get the hissack out

29:24

of here. The witch winked.

29:26

The shadow chuckled. You're very

29:29

forward. Belgalora scooped

29:31

up her shadow in her arms

29:33

and began carrying her bridal

29:35

styles. Plus, I'm pretty sure fucking

29:37

your clone is a form

29:39

of jorking it, and I'm cray

29:42

-cray bananas good at it. Lots

29:44

of practice, she wiggled her

29:46

eyebrows. Shadow galora side, perhaps a

29:48

bit too forward. The end. What

29:52

a wonderful - Post -credits scene. Get

29:54

back in - Oh, shit. Get back

29:56

in your fucking chair. You will

29:58

pistol pants in this theater. Foulio,

30:00

I will invoke death right here

30:02

right now if you don't concede.

30:04

I'll do it. Rido Kido at

30:06

this moment had a real ass

30:08

gun pointed to his temple. His

30:11

finger curled around the trigger. This

30:13

was his only hope. There was

30:15

no fucking way his blue eyes

30:18

white reversed Emperor Man could contend

30:20

with the Arkana Vol judgment bond.

30:22

Death doesn't actually mean that

30:25

Kido used his thumb to pull

30:27

down the hammer. Whoa, who! Whoa, let's

30:29

be rational here. It may just

30:31

be a children's card game, but

30:33

I have a lot writing on

30:35

this. My grandmother's soul got trapped

30:37

in a book by the guy

30:39

running this tournament. My friend Tony

30:41

has his sister's eye surgery to

30:44

pay for. Fuck you and your

30:46

grandma. Buy you a new one.

30:48

I have a more billion dollars.

30:50

Yes, my brother. I mean... I

30:52

would like my O.G. grandma, but

30:54

like, if you can hire a clerk

30:56

to do those, that would work. Yeah,

30:58

sure. Glad we struck, we could

31:01

strike a deal. Obviously,

31:03

I'm a rational man, said the

31:05

guy who had a gun pointed

31:07

to his head over a children's

31:10

card game. The two shook hands

31:12

and Foulio conceded. Kaido then

31:14

punched Foulio in the stomach

31:16

and he fell to the

31:18

ground. Fuck you Foulio! I

31:20

win! Fuck your grandma! Judgment

31:23

mom! Scunch his balls!

31:25

The end. Never trust a

31:27

billionaire. Scunch his balls! Can't

31:29

trust risk people. Yeah, no.

31:31

You think I would make

31:33

the rich guy like sympathetic.

31:35

But yeah, that's my story.

31:38

Sorry for my less than

31:40

lacklustre reading of it. I'm really

31:42

true. That was wonderful. What are you

31:44

talking about? It was beautiful. I don't

31:46

know. I felt like I tripped up

31:48

a bunch. Belle Galora fucking comes

31:50

in with a dark side grind

31:52

and fucking explodes half the dungeon,

31:55

finds a clone of herself and

31:57

scores. So she's mission accomplished. Her epic

31:59

quest. to score. The Temple

32:01

of Fuck You Lute. Yeah, but

32:03

it's, you know, it's Fuck You,

32:05

Lute. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, there's a

32:08

comma in there that she didn't

32:10

notice. Yeah, exactly. All right, dear,

32:12

I have a license to be

32:14

here, says Patrick Warburton.

32:17

Yeah. My biggest complaint is that

32:19

it faded to black a little

32:21

too early. I want to know

32:23

where the rest of this goes.

32:25

Yeah, well, some of us had

32:27

a meeting to get too. It's

32:29

comet season. Oh,

32:31

exactly. Yeah, I mean, maybe,

32:33

uh, maybe in, uh, maybe in

32:36

Bell Galora 3, uh, returned up

32:38

your far. We'll say it's

32:40

Jetsilborn Chronicle, uh, Colin,

32:43

Guyden, Colin after dark.

32:45

Yeah. Whoa! Nice! It's

32:47

just me fucking wildly

32:50

sweating and fumbling over my

32:52

words. Oh yeah, though, the

32:54

sex is soo good. I

32:57

know what this is and

32:59

enjoy it a lot often.

33:01

Wow, this is... Frequently, at

33:03

least twice. At least twice.

33:05

Oh boy, here we go

33:08

fucking again. Fantastic tale. All

33:10

the prompts were there,

33:12

even prompts from the

33:14

future. Yeah. Magnets and

33:16

lava fountains just shoehorned

33:19

in right there in

33:21

the middle. Brilliant

33:23

tail. I learned a lot because

33:25

if magnets are drugs for gollums

33:27

then I think that violent Jay

33:30

might be part gollum on his

33:32

mom's side. Oh yeah. Well I

33:34

mean so the gollums are like

33:36

so to me like gollums are

33:38

kind of like robots right so

33:40

like... But made of stone? Yeah or

33:43

whatever. I imagine these guys were

33:45

made of metal. Well one of

33:47

them's not made of nothing anymore.

33:50

Yeah, one of them speaks only

33:52

the truth, one of them speaks

33:54

lies. What did I just cast

33:57

on this guy? Uh, light mending.

33:59

Yeah. It's like, oh yeah,

34:01

he's the one lying. Yeah,

34:04

exactly. That was fucking beautiful.

34:06

That was wonderful. Tragic Golan,

34:08

yeah, we. You know, there's

34:10

something for everyone here. Girl

34:12

Falyuri, tragic Golan, yeah, we

34:14

got it all. Saphic romance.

34:17

Yeah, love takes many forms

34:19

here. Well, if you enjoy

34:21

subverting the one tells the

34:23

truth, one tells a lie, then

34:25

get ready for my story. Are you

34:28

fucking serious? Oh shit. Oh fuck. We

34:30

segue in right in, huh? Damn. Let's

34:32

get to it after a musical break

34:35

and I get some water, please. At

34:37

Carl's Junior, when you buy one

34:39

big car over Spicy chicken sandwich,

34:41

you can get a second for

34:43

just one more buck. You can

34:46

double down. Or mix it up.

34:48

Two charbroiled, American cheese and carolastic,

34:50

saucy, big carols. Two tender, crisp,

34:52

spicy chicken sandwiches. Or, one of

34:54

each, just one more buck. Yeah,

34:56

any combination, you're craving, the second,

34:59

just one buck. Only Carl's Junior.

35:01

Snag big juicy deals in the

35:03

Carl's Junior app. Big Burger! Get

35:05

Burger! Available for a limit diamond

35:07

participating restaurants,

35:10

tax-off included

35:13

price may

35:15

vary, not

35:18

valid with

35:20

any of

35:23

their offer-discouter

35:25

combo. A

35:30

lot of synchronosities here so far.

35:33

The horde of goblins poured out

35:35

of the cavernous entrance to the

35:37

underground temple, like an angry green

35:40

wave. Scores of the tiny malevolent

35:42

creatures charged the trio of adventurers,

35:44

leading with gnashing teeth or sharpened

35:46

claws or wicked cruel weapons. To

35:48

a group of novices this might

35:50

spell the end of their quest.

35:53

Their fate snuffed out by a

35:55

seemingly endless crush of hate and

35:57

rage. For Gromgar and his cohorts,

35:59

however, It was just one more

36:01

obstacle between them and the

36:03

moon-like cultists. Midnight approaches, and

36:05

the comet with it, the mage

36:07

souted over the din of battle

36:09

so her companions could hear. They were

36:12

running out of time. Slaying as fast

36:14

as I can, Gromgar, the barbarian, growled

36:16

as he crushed a goblin with a

36:18

meaty fist. Maybe you could throw a

36:20

fireball or summoned lightning that really speed

36:22

this up. That's... Not how magic

36:24

works! The mage grumbled folding her

36:27

arms across her chest, her long

36:29

elven ears twitching with annoyance. Painted

36:31

in the blood of his enemies,

36:34

an electric with the high of

36:36

battle, Gromgar finally yanked his broadsore

36:38

from the last goblin's chest, then

36:40

turned to the leather-clad

36:42

swashbuckler. Fifty-two, he said,

36:45

sheathing his weapon. More than four

36:47

dozen of the little green imps

36:49

slain, and he barely glistened with

36:51

sweat. 18 or 19? His compatriot

36:54

huffed out, struggling to catch

36:56

his breath, fumbling to put his

36:58

two short swords back into their

37:00

scabbards? Pathetic. I was

37:03

a little busy surviving to

37:05

keep counting. The barbarian simply

37:07

rolled his eyes. You can measure

37:09

your dicks later. For now,

37:11

let's stop this demonic ritual

37:13

the mage pushed past them,

37:15

exploring further into the dungeon.

37:18

Or they can measure their

37:20

ticks right? We know

37:22

that's what you want.

37:24

Gray stone walls seem

37:26

to stretch on endlessly

37:28

and long twisting corridors

37:30

as the trio trod

37:32

the inclined dirt paths

37:34

leading deeper into the

37:36

labyrinth. After what felt

37:39

like miles underground, they finally

37:41

came to a fork with

37:43

two paths leading in different

37:46

directions. Standing sentinel between the

37:48

diverging routes were two grotesque

37:50

gargoyle statues, glowing rubies set

37:53

into their eye sockets. As

37:55

the adventurers approached, the stone

37:57

creatures animated, turning to regard

38:00

them in... non-threatening manner. Two

38:02

paths lay before you, one of

38:04

the statue spoke, its voice deep

38:07

and thick, resounding off the rocky

38:09

walls. One leads to your quest,

38:11

while the other leads to your

38:13

doom. Gromgar sighed, but the

38:15

mage perked up and made

38:18

a delighted sound. You may

38:20

ask us only one question. the

38:22

second gargola chimed in, its voice

38:24

slightly, see, his voice slightly different,

38:26

but equally resonant. Does he sound

38:28

like Patrick Warburton? I mean, if

38:30

we're, if we're fancasting, I would

38:33

love to get him in here.

38:35

He works as any kind of

38:37

like big, yeah, if he's buffered.

38:39

You know, maybe we get the

38:41

Tin Man to do one, Patrick

38:44

Warburton to the other, and then,

38:46

you know, they sound so similar

38:48

that no one could down a part.

38:51

But be warned, one of us

38:53

always, hey wait, it cut off

38:55

suddenly as the massive barbarian grabbed

38:58

its head in a single massive

39:00

hand and smashed it into its

39:02

counterparts. The statues, Noggins, broke like

39:04

eggs and the now lifeless stone

39:07

bodies crumpled to the ground. Riddles

39:09

bore me, was all the explanation

39:11

he offered before walking down the

39:13

left path. His companions staring a

39:16

gaw as the dark shadows seemed

39:18

to swallow his shrinking shrinking form.

39:20

I can't believe you did that!

39:23

The maids blurted out in frustration

39:25

after catching up. How do you

39:27

know this is the right path?

39:29

What gives you the right to

39:31

smash those helpful creatures? How will

39:33

you ever solve a puzzle if

39:35

you don't listen and wait? And

39:37

another thing, why are you... Gromgar ignored

39:39

her? Blessedly, her voice grew

39:42

more and more quiet until it

39:44

faded away entirely. The barbarian wasn't

39:46

sure how that could be, but before

39:48

he could consider it much, the corridor

39:50

opened up to a small holding cell.

39:52

Furnished sparsely with only a moldering lumpy

39:55

bed and a small table that wobbled

39:57

under the weight of his gaze, the

39:59

room had but a single

40:01

inhabitant, chained to the far wall,

40:03

wearing only a dirtied shift in

40:05

stockings filled with holes, was a

40:08

comely maiden, a ghastly look of

40:10

horror painting her face. Oh, noble warrior!

40:12

the bound damsel begged in her

40:14

breathy voice. Release me from my

40:17

imprisonment before the foul goblins

40:19

returned to torment me! With

40:21

a mighty slash of his sword,

40:23

the manacles fell from her wrists,

40:26

and she collapsed against his chest.

40:28

He raised an arm to wrap

40:30

around her protectively. Her small body

40:33

felt so fragile against his massive

40:35

toned frame. Her fists curled up

40:37

against his bare chest. Her warm

40:39

breath moving the hair like wheat

40:41

and a breeze. Fear not sweet

40:43

maid, for I have slain them

40:46

and am here to rescue you.

40:48

Gromgar hadn't really listened too close

40:50

to the details, but that

40:52

seemed like the most likely

40:54

reason he had come to

40:56

this dungeon. Something in her

40:58

body language shifted, and she

41:00

suddenly felt more substantial as she

41:02

looked up at him. Where once

41:04

she wore a mask of fear,

41:07

now bare joy alighted her features,

41:09

an unrestrained smile broadening her blushing

41:11

cheeks. Is that so? Her voice grew

41:14

more sultry, a lusty fire showing in

41:16

her eyes. If you've truly delivered

41:18

me from those tiny fiends,

41:20

then you deserve the greatest

41:22

reward I can offer. Gromgar

41:24

reckoned he deserved some bounty

41:26

for his good deed. His kilt

41:29

was so soaked in goblin, but

41:31

he can no longer tell its

41:33

original color or pattern. His

41:35

sword, while strong and true, had

41:37

dulled its edge considerably today.

41:40

Replacing either would be a

41:42

fine reward. But I'm afraid, she

41:44

continued, swirling a finger through his

41:47

curly chest hair, dragging her lower

41:49

lip through her teeth, that all

41:51

I have to offer you is my body.

41:53

Oh. Oh. Oh, sick, free labor! Oh!

41:55

Get him the conan pain

41:57

wheel! He said that last

41:59

oh. out loud. That was way better

42:01

than a new sword. That is, if it would

42:03

please, but Lord. He responded by

42:06

crushing his mouth against hers in

42:08

a hot, passionate kiss. She was

42:10

so much smaller than him, and

42:12

he had to lift her up

42:14

and fold himself over just for

42:16

their faces to meet. But she

42:18

tasted of sweetness and innocence, and

42:20

has his tongue entwined with hers,

42:22

he realized he would have suffered

42:24

any discomfort for a moment of

42:26

her flavor. He heard his sword

42:28

belt clatter to the floor, and

42:30

he was honestly impressed. Her fingers were

42:32

so skilled in nimble he hadn't even

42:35

felt her testing his buckle. This was

42:37

gonna be fun. He broke the kiss and

42:39

stared into her eyes, which was hard because

42:41

her chest was heaving and as she struggled

42:44

to catch her breath, and he would

42:46

very much like to watch that. It wasn't

42:48

the only thing that was hard. Two fingers

42:50

hooked into the waist of his kilt,

42:52

and she flashed him a devilish smile.

42:54

If he didn't hurry, he realized she

42:57

would have him in the buff before

42:59

he'd even attempted to relieve her of

43:01

a single article. That wouldn't do.

43:03

Thankfully, he knew a shortcut. Grabbing

43:06

fists of her shift, the

43:08

barbarian effortlessly pulled the garment

43:10

apart. As the tattered shreds of

43:12

clothing drifted to the floor, he

43:14

glanced down and finally beheld

43:17

her. All of her. Despite her

43:19

recent imprisonment, her golden hair

43:21

looked immaculate, the lovely curls

43:23

spilling around her shoulders. Her

43:25

shoulders sloped gently and were

43:27

perfectly dappled with the tiniest

43:29

drops of freckles. Her freckles

43:31

spilled over her collarbones, which

43:33

were stark and inviting, leading

43:35

his vision naturally to her

43:37

gleaming sword points. Her sword

43:39

points were perfectly symmetrical, each

43:41

with an elegant tale of

43:43

blood that trailed down her

43:45

way. What? As a thought

43:47

came to him, she fell to

43:50

the floor. Good distraction, mate, his

43:52

swatchbuckling friend said with a roguish

43:54

smile as he slipped his swords

43:56

back into a scabbard. What? Gromgart

43:58

was so confused. This is

44:00

the most fascinating hecks I've ever

44:03

seen!" The mage said as she

44:05

studied the walls. Demon magic is

44:07

so... inhuman. What? Gromgar demanded his

44:10

rage growing. Your lady was a

44:12

succubus, the swashbuckler said, pointing down

44:14

at the obvious succubus laying on

44:16

the floor. Whatever spell she

44:18

cast separated us. I had to

44:20

complete a puzzle just to get out.

44:23

Luckily, we managed a time. I was

44:25

given an unsolvable riddle, the mage

44:27

said triumphantly. The solution made no

44:29

sense, but once I used its

44:32

own logic against it, the answer

44:34

was simple. Sure, sure, the bibrarian

44:36

said, unsurely, as he struggled to

44:38

bugle his sword belt. He was

44:41

far too aroused for all of

44:43

this. Could you maybe have waited

44:45

20 minutes? Not a lot of

44:47

chances to bang around a dungeon would

44:49

have really enjoyed that. This was met

44:51

with blank stares. You know, it's really

44:53

funny, like during the sexy, and I

44:56

was like, hey, where are the other

44:58

two? Is that like watching this? Is

45:00

that a thing? The swashbuckler asked rhetorically.

45:03

I didn't even know that was a

45:05

thing. I guess that's a thing. He

45:07

kept muttering to himself. If we

45:09

had waited, you'd be dead, the

45:11

maid tried to explain. That demon

45:13

would have sucked your soul out

45:15

through your junk and kept going

45:18

until your body crumbledled the dust.

45:20

Sounds like Moon's Day night to me.

45:22

Hey, you bought a big, hey! The

45:24

old glory being like, where can I

45:26

get some of that? Sounds kind of

45:28

fun, he said with a shrug before

45:30

trudging back the way they'd come. The

45:32

occultist cathedral was just a little ways

45:35

past the ruined gargoyles, and given how

45:37

loud they were chanting and raving, it

45:39

was a wonder they hadn't heard them

45:42

before. A few dozen of

45:44

the white-robed parishioners bowed in

45:46

supplication, talk singing in unison

45:48

as a leader held up

45:50

a golden object and made

45:52

proclamations. Okay, so, the mage

45:54

said, pointing at the shaved-head

45:56

Proclamer, that idol he has

45:58

is the moonlight relic. Once every

46:01

hundred years or so it

46:03

collapses the latent magics of

46:05

the cosmos into a raw

46:08

form which can be

46:10

easily harvested for manna.

46:12

Both of her companions

46:14

stared like chud chewing

46:16

cows. Cud chewing cows. Cud

46:18

chewing cows. Cud chewing cows.

46:20

Cud chewing cows. She sighed

46:22

deeply. Gold statue bad. Take

46:24

away from evil man. Got

46:27

it. Swashbuckle. Okay, yeah, that's all you

46:29

need. Is that every quest? Just this

46:31

is good, this is bad, get good

46:33

from bad. Yeah, exactly. Got it, the

46:36

Swashbuckler said with a cocksure nod.

46:38

I think I can drag a

46:40

number of these cultists away before

46:42

their chanting friends will even notice.

46:44

But when they do notice, though,

46:46

that's when you come in, Gromgar.

46:49

He turned to look at the Barbarian.

46:51

The barbarian who wasn't where

46:53

they had last seen him. walking right

46:55

up to the ring of distracted zealots.

46:57

Even the man leading the congregation

47:00

wasn't paying him any mind. The

47:02

barbarian watched the golden idol for

47:04

a few moments, tracking its erratic movements.

47:06

Then, satisfied he knew its path, he

47:08

threw his broadsword as if it were

47:11

a tiny dagger. The deadly steel arked

47:13

through the air, spinning like a graceful

47:15

dancer and came to arrest Point First

47:17

in the Moonlight relic. The small

47:19

amphitheater filled with a glowing rush

47:21

of wind as the magic artifact

47:23

gave a final sigh and released

47:26

all of its stored energies. Then,

47:28

silence. Colts over, go home,

47:30

Gromgar yelled, his hands cupped

47:32

around his mouth. Awesome! The

47:34

silence stretched on, everyone staring

47:36

at the barbarian in disbelief.

47:39

Growing angrier by the secret,

47:41

Gromgar growled and maddog the

47:43

congregation who finally began fleeing.

47:45

I can't believe you did that!" the mage

47:47

rasped as she stomped towards him. As

47:49

the members of the cult were filing

47:51

out, he had busied himself with retrieving

47:54

his thrown sword. All he offered his

47:56

livid companion was an acknowledging grunt.

47:58

The moonlight relic was older than

48:00

a millennium. Countless cultures worshipped it,

48:02

relied on its magic, and you

48:04

just carelessly destroyed it." Gramgar shrugged.

48:07

Took it away from the bad guy. Sounds like a win. He

48:10

sheathed the sword and began

48:12

looking around for anything cool

48:15

to take. "'He's

48:17

not wrong,' the swashbuckler said with little enthusiasm.

48:19

The mage shot him a withering look

48:21

and he shrunk back and stayed quiet. "'We

48:24

need to talk,' she said to the oblivious

48:26

looter as he kicked through the discarded

48:28

items left in the amphitheater, looking for anything

48:31

of value. He glanced at

48:33

his companion but continued to search. "'Some

48:35

things gotta change. You don't discuss your

48:37

plans with us. You make reckless and

48:40

destructive decisions. You tried to sleep with

48:42

a succubus. "'I don't think we

48:44

can keep going like this.'" "'Good,'

48:46

he said matter -of -factly as he'd come to

48:48

the same conclusion. "'You two are probably the worst

48:50

thing that's ever happened to me. "'Have

48:52

fun dying in a cave without me.'"

48:54

With that, he pushed past his former compatriots

48:56

and left. Weeks

48:58

later, on a cloudy night in

49:01

the dark and spooky forest, Gromgar

49:03

refused to be lost. He

49:05

had been searching this seemingly endless thicket

49:07

fruitlessly for hours, but was sure

49:09

that the witch's hut was in here

49:11

somewhere. Back in town,

49:13

he had threatened an old crone until she had

49:15

finally told him of the secret evil dwelling

49:17

nearby. Now all he to do was find the

49:20

house, slay the evil witch, then go collect

49:22

a reward. Adventuring was easy,

49:24

and he was happy he didn't have any

49:26

spellcasters or foppish swordsmen to slow him

49:28

down. Unexpectedly, the

49:30

barbarian walked face -first into a thick,

49:32

hairy tree that surely hadn't been

49:34

there just a moment ago. Outraged,

49:37

he gripped the shaggy gray oak and attempted

49:39

to rip it out of the ground. Instead

49:42

of submitting to the justice of the

49:44

barbarians will, the tree hatched its own

49:46

diabolical plan and lifted him high into

49:48

the air. Whoa. A crackle

49:50

of lightning arced across the sky, finally

49:52

illuminating the massive shape that had removed

49:54

him from the ground, and he finally

49:56

understood. Kinda. The

49:59

furry tree trunk was -

50:01

an unimaginably large spider leg. One of eight, in

50:03

fact. On top of which an ancient

50:05

log cabin sat. The hut was so

50:07

hard to find because it was 50

50:09

feet off the ground and skittering

50:11

around on bug limbs. Determined and

50:14

energized, Gromgar began climbing the tree

50:16

leg like a lumberjack, though if

50:18

any lumberjack had ever wrestled a

50:20

tree actively trying to shake him

50:23

off, all while it scabbled around

50:25

an evil force, the barbarian hadn't

50:27

yet heard that tail. After some

50:29

considerable effort, Gromgar found himself

50:31

standing on the front porch,

50:34

muscles strained from the work.

50:36

Skin slick with sweat. Too angry

50:38

the knock, the hulking man simply

50:40

put a boot to the front

50:42

door, kicking its entirety into the small

50:44

home. The door... with half of its

50:46

hinges still attached, soared across the

50:48

open living space then, just before

50:50

it smashed into a small humanoid

50:52

form, sitting patiently on the floor,

50:54

jerked to one side and crashed

50:56

harmlessly into a dusty old couch.

50:58

Graceful as a shadow, the person

51:01

arose from their cross-legged position and

51:03

turned towards him. The barbarian girded

51:05

himself against her unnatural hideous

51:08

visage. The countenance that regarded

51:10

him, however, was neither unnatural

51:12

nor hideous. On the contrary, the

51:14

so-called witch was gorgeous. Her

51:16

face was round and framed with

51:19

a wild shock of pink hair.

51:21

Two piercing blue eyes watched him

51:23

with bemused curiosity. Her full, curvy body

51:25

was barely covered by the thin

51:28

robe that clung to her every

51:30

rounded edge. He had expected a

51:32

withered and ancient hag, but instead

51:34

found a perfect vision of youth

51:36

and beauty. It was a real shame

51:38

what he and a sword were going to

51:41

have to do. Welcome, champion,"

51:43

she said in a melodic, soothing

51:45

voice. I've been awaiting someone with

51:47

the intelligence to find my hidden

51:50

home, and the constitution to reach

51:52

me. You're the first man to ever

51:54

make it. I invite you to join me

51:56

in my boudoir and sire my children, so

51:58

that they may be strong. with your blood."

52:01

As she spoke the entrancing words,

52:03

her black robe slipped from her

52:05

shoulders cascading into pools of silk

52:07

and fabric around her feet, leaving

52:09

her bare and entirely exposed. The

52:12

barbarian's breath hitched as he

52:14

beheld her in the flickering candlelight.

52:16

You may be right about my brilliance,

52:18

he said, as he closed the distance

52:20

between them and wrapped in arm around

52:23

her waist. But I am not a

52:25

document detailing the laws of government. He

52:27

bent down and kissed her

52:29

passionately, urgently. She pressed her warm

52:31

naked body into him, and he gripped

52:34

her in his massive hands to pull

52:36

her even closer. His mouth moved from

52:38

hers, to trace a line of kisses

52:40

down her jaw, to nibble her elo

52:42

and nibber neck. She pulled him to the

52:45

ground and mounted him like a wild

52:47

beast in need of breaking. The

52:49

next three and a half minutes

52:51

were the most intense and pleasure

52:53

ball of Garmgaw's life. When at

52:55

last the witch rose from atop

52:57

him, he was more exhausted than

52:59

that time he had fought one

53:02

thousand and one orks. She stood

53:04

over him. He had fought one

53:06

thousand and one orks. She stood

53:08

over him, evenly glaring down at

53:10

him as her pregnant belly swelled

53:12

into her cradling arms. Her supple,

53:14

delightful clerves withered, her

53:16

skin turning wrinkled and

53:18

sallow. Her enchanting eyes

53:20

became sunken and yellow.

53:22

thick cataracts clouding her

53:24

once-piercing irises. Her vibrant hair

53:27

sloughed off in clumps, the

53:29

few remaining strands turning gray

53:31

and split. In just seconds

53:33

the otherworldly beauty transformed and

53:36

bent into a shriveled crone,

53:38

thick with child. You have fathered

53:40

the end of creation, Barbarian!

53:42

The witch said with a cackle,

53:44

her voice like a mummy's grandmother.

53:46

Come my children's

53:49

up on your

53:52

first dinner feast

53:55

and grow strong

53:58

as if Stopping an

54:00

engorged pimple, the witch squeezed her

54:02

full round belly, a sickening

54:04

squelch issued from some

54:06

unholy part of her, and

54:08

a torrent of spiders

54:10

poured from betwixt her nethers,

54:14

a myriad of black, gnashing arachnids

54:16

gushed to the floor, spreading

54:18

and pooling like tar around her

54:21

ankles, as even more creatures

54:23

expelled from her evil womb. As

54:28

of a singular mind, the

54:30

crashing wave of this many -legged

54:33

and multi -eyed offspring scrambled towards

54:35

Gramgar, who still laid in an

54:37

exhausted pile of wet and

54:39

used barbarian meat. Drained

54:41

in more ways than one, the proud new

54:43

parent clawed for the sword still in

54:45

his discarded pile of clothes, then

54:47

exercising extreme exertion, he managed to

54:49

rise to his feet just

54:51

as his hungry children approached. I

54:54

brought you into this world, he growled, brandishing

54:56

his weapon, and I can just as

54:58

easily take you out. Rain

55:01

came down and sheets pelting the roofs,

55:03

sogging the dirt roads and generally

55:05

mucking up any places to go adventuring,

55:07

despite the rumors of a powerful

55:09

witch in the area. Inside

55:11

a bright and lively tavern filled

55:13

with song and merriment and patrons, a

55:15

mage and a swashbuckler shared a

55:17

drink and a laugh. Deciding to

55:19

not risk the storm, the parrot

55:21

opted to stay in and trade

55:23

stories of their past exploits, reminiscing about

55:25

the grand inventories they had with

55:27

their former companion. That

55:29

time, with all the orcs,

55:31

or the dread wizard and his

55:33

crystal golem, the two had endless

55:35

tales of their mighty barbarian cohort, and

55:38

they told them loudly to any who would listen. During

55:41

a rather spirited retelling of the time

55:43

they fought a three -headed giant, the

55:45

door to the tavern burst open. Standing

55:48

there, as if summoned from another

55:50

world by story and song alone,

55:52

was the man himself, Gramgar

55:55

the Barbarian, covered

55:57

in a million tiny spider

55:59

bites, Wayne soaked through to his very

56:02

core. The season warrior looked worse

56:04

than anyone in the small beer

56:06

hall had ever seen. All right,

56:08

he growled through gritted teeth. Maybe

56:11

you two aren't the worst thing

56:13

that's happened to me. The end.

56:15

What a fucking, wow. I love this

56:17

fucking story, this world, everything about

56:20

this. This was fucking Pulitzer winning

56:22

material right here, at least a

56:24

nomination. I'm sorry, fuck man. Did

56:26

the Washpo Cleary Major ever get

56:28

a name? No, they weren't important.

56:31

Not important. The only one who

56:33

needs a name is Gromgar, this

56:35

is his story. That's true, the

56:37

time he got laid. Yeah, okay.

56:40

Yeah, no, I would love to

56:42

see more adventures with these three.

56:44

Oh my goodness, like this could

56:46

be like a, this could be

56:49

like a fucking cartoon animated

56:51

by Gendi Tartakovsky and scored

56:54

by somebody who was also

56:56

equally as good at their

56:58

craft. This was a, this

57:00

was a, I am genuinely

57:03

like, I have to follow

57:05

this now. Yeah, thanks. Who

57:07

might to clean off with

57:10

spiders? Oh my goodness, like

57:12

you. Like the sensual moments,

57:14

the fucking, he got

57:16

cocked by his friends and

57:18

then he goes and actually

57:21

scores with this witch

57:23

who just turns ragged

57:25

in a minute. Yeah, what

57:27

a wonderful. Del Galora had

57:30

a lot easier of a time. Yeah.

57:32

But he won in the end of

57:34

the day he defeated the evil sometimes

57:36

he just I guess you got to

57:38

kill a million of your own children

57:41

Yeah, no, I'm in awe of how

57:43

well we mind linked. Yeah, yeah, you

57:45

also know like you're gonna be more

57:47

you're gonna be more odd about how

57:49

much mind link you did with me

57:51

too like my god My story starts.

57:53

Oh one of us speaks and rituals

57:56

together in rhymes I hope yours has

57:58

slopped off because that was like the

58:00

third hidden prompt. Uh-huh, uh-huh.

58:02

Hi, my name's Algalora. Wait, what?

58:05

Okay. Oh, that was great.

58:07

That was fantastic. Wonderful tale.

58:09

All around. I'm glad that you were

58:11

able to... Like, when did you write

58:14

this? Like, this wasn't even part

58:16

of the writing club. This

58:18

was just, like, something you

58:20

had in your pocket. So,

58:22

you remember that story that

58:24

I got published by a

58:26

traditional publisher? This started off as

58:28

the story I was going to send

58:30

to them. Like it was, it was,

58:33

it was, like you could see like

58:35

how there's a bit of sexiness to

58:37

it, but I was like, this would

58:40

be more fun as a funny, an

58:42

action thing that just kind of hints

58:44

at the sexuality to, you know, just for

58:46

the humor's sake of it? Yeah,

58:49

just, just like your story. Like

58:51

mine didn't describe clamming up

58:53

a jam or jamming up. Jam in

58:55

a clam. Yeah, I mean that's what

58:57

he did with the witch. Yeah, that's

58:59

how the babies are born. And

59:01

that children is how, is how

59:03

spiders are born. That's how it

59:06

happened. Is a barbarian a witch

59:08

who don't really know each other?

59:10

If you're listening to this and

59:12

you're under the age of fucking whatever,

59:14

don't. Yeah, get out of here.

59:16

Hey kids, go watch Barney or

59:19

something. Is that still on the

59:21

air? It's gotta be it's probably

59:23

been rebooted six times I went

59:26

to the movie later today. It

59:28

was all reboots and remakes and

59:30

and prequels the sequels. Yeah Speaking

59:32

of prequels Don't miss out on the

59:35

final football game of the season with

59:37

Prize Pix. Join now because Prize Pix

59:39

has given away a free pick for

59:41

the big game where one yard equals

59:43

one win. Just pick more or less

59:45

on at least two players for a

59:47

shot to win up to a thousand

59:49

times your cash. Download the Prize Pix

59:51

app and use Code Field and get

59:53

$50 instantly when you play five dollars.

59:55

You don't even need to win to

59:57

receive the $50 bonus. It's guaranteed. Price

59:59

Pix. on your game must

1:00:02

be present in certain

1:00:04

states visit prize picks.com

1:00:06

for restrictions in details.

1:00:09

I've got a tail

1:00:11

that is kind of

1:00:14

like that is kind

1:00:16

of like that. Why

1:00:18

don't we get into

1:00:21

it? Sounds good. All

1:00:23

right fellas. My tail

1:00:25

today is called Haley

1:00:27

Junior's Comet. Once

1:00:30

every 69 years, a bright crimson

1:00:32

comet of magnificent power

1:00:34

can be seen streaking

1:00:37

across the otherwise starless,

1:00:39

inky black night sky

1:00:41

above the realm of Yerxland.

1:00:43

To many, the spectacle

1:00:45

was a once-in-a-lifetime astronomical marvel

1:00:48

to be observed in silent,

1:00:50

dough-faced awe. However... To a

1:00:53

select few, the comet's periodic

1:00:55

passing was said to magnify

1:00:58

one's magical might to levels

1:01:00

unseen in that realm since

1:01:03

about 69 years ago when

1:01:05

the comet had come last.

1:01:07

And so, the religious zealots of

1:01:10

the Stone Tower Temple leave

1:01:12

their spells in preparation of

1:01:14

this most auspicious of occasions.

1:01:17

They congregated in the highest

1:01:19

room of the tower, a large and

1:01:21

spooky sanctum with a giant hole in

1:01:24

the ceiling as to better let in

1:01:26

the light from the comet, which presently

1:01:28

passed into view from above. Donned

1:01:30

in their slick black cloaks,

1:01:33

the zealot stood in a

1:01:35

circle around the makeshift skylight

1:01:37

and commenced their unholy ritual.

1:01:39

They recited the magic

1:01:41

words spoken in a

1:01:43

language so lost and

1:01:45

forgotten that it was

1:01:47

only ever used by

1:01:49

scientists and pharmacists. And

1:01:51

right now I want you guys

1:01:53

to join me in the chant.

1:01:55

All right, repeat after me. Ego,

1:01:58

stupri, amores, oleum. Ego,

1:02:00

Stupry, Amoris,

1:02:03

Oleum, Ego,

1:02:06

Stupry, Amoris,

1:02:09

Oleum, so

1:02:12

they're all chanting that. One of

1:02:15

them,

1:02:17

perhaps the leader, or

1:02:19

maybe just the guy who drew

1:02:21

the shortest straw. He pulled

1:02:24

a short, jagged dagger from an

1:02:26

inner pocket of his robe

1:02:28

and carved a cool S into

1:02:30

his own palm. The cool

1:02:32

S is there. The most magic

1:02:34

of runes. This zealots agonized

1:02:36

screams melded with the repeated chanting

1:02:38

of his brothers as he

1:02:40

finished his gruesome, handy work. See

1:02:43

what I did there? As

1:02:45

another of the acolytes produced a

1:02:47

short stout vessel of stainless steel

1:02:49

with a handle on a spout,

1:02:51

a peculiar container that vaguely resembled

1:02:53

a tea kettle. Ego,

1:02:56

Stupry, Amoris, Oleum.

1:02:59

He opened one end of it

1:03:02

and held it beneath the bleeding

1:03:04

man's hand as he balled his

1:03:06

fist and allowed droplets of dark,

1:03:08

nearly pitch black blood to ooze

1:03:10

out from betwixt his fingies and

1:03:12

into the vessel until his hand

1:03:15

runneth empty. Ego, Stupry,

1:03:17

Amoris, Oleum. One by

1:03:19

one, each zealot of the

1:03:21

stone tower temple sliced

1:03:23

open his palm. He balled

1:03:25

his fist. He released

1:03:27

that black putrid gunk into

1:03:30

the vessel and passed

1:03:32

the knife to his brother.

1:03:34

All while they repeated

1:03:36

that blasphemous refrain over and

1:03:38

over and over again. Ego,

1:03:42

Stupry, Amoris,

1:03:44

Oleum. And

1:03:48

lo, after seventeen minutes of this,

1:03:50

after each zealot's S -shaped wound

1:03:52

was tapped dry of its

1:03:54

fluids and the vessel was filled

1:03:56

nearly to the brim, it

1:03:58

was time to up and forth

1:04:00

their champion, their idol, that

1:04:03

otherworldly being from an age

1:04:05

long past. The final zealot

1:04:07

presently resealed the top of

1:04:10

the vessel and placed it

1:04:12

on a pedestal in the

1:04:14

middle of the room, just

1:04:17

as the comet reached its

1:04:19

zenith over the stone-towered temple

1:04:21

and bathed the sanctum in

1:04:24

its resplendent crimson glow. Ego

1:04:26

stupri Amoris Oleum! The zealots

1:04:28

joined hands around the tunnel

1:04:31

of light now filling the

1:04:33

chamber and scream those ungodly

1:04:35

words at the top of

1:04:38

their lungs, some of whom

1:04:40

more correctly than others. A

1:04:42

roaring crescendo that greeted the

1:04:45

coming of their champion with

1:04:47

open arms. Eggle! Steupri! Amoris!

1:04:49

Oleum! It would probably help

1:04:52

if you were reading it

1:04:54

too, I admit. And lo!

1:04:56

When the comet had passed

1:04:59

and the crimson light dispersed,

1:05:01

the zealots were left in

1:05:03

shock and awe of the

1:05:06

being they had just summoned

1:05:08

forth. A towering, lumbering tighten

1:05:10

of metallic plating and worrying

1:05:13

gears. The one who stooped

1:05:15

down and clutched his offering

1:05:17

in both hands before drinking

1:05:20

deeply of the zealots black

1:05:22

ac- blood until streams of

1:05:24

the stuff leaked from the

1:05:27

corners of its dark gray

1:05:29

human-esque lips. And once he

1:05:31

had drank his fill, the

1:05:34

transdimensional tighten released a torrent

1:05:36

of steam from the hole

1:05:38

at the top of his

1:05:41

head and roared a mighty

1:05:43

roar that caused all the

1:05:45

ear holes in the chamber

1:05:48

to bleed upon hearing it.

1:05:50

I fucking love oil! I

1:05:53

tricked you. I was kidding.

1:05:56

Play his entrance music. As

1:05:58

the zealots in the room

1:06:01

bowed before their champion, that

1:06:03

lumbering mechanical marvel, bowed and

1:06:06

watched in awe and pure,

1:06:08

unadulterated, impotent fear, as the

1:06:11

metal man opened his chestplate

1:06:13

stowed the vessel within and

1:06:15

pulled out an artifact of

1:06:18

his own. A neon pink

1:06:20

silly straw which he affixed

1:06:22

to the tip of his

1:06:24

nose and used like a

1:06:26

proboscis. thrusting it into the

1:06:29

necks of the zealots one

1:06:31

by one, absorbing all the

1:06:33

pitch black oil-like blood their

1:06:35

knobby fleshy bodies contained. And

1:06:37

when the last emaciated husk

1:06:40

was finally tapped dry of

1:06:42

its fluids, that freshly summoned

1:06:44

horror replaced the silly straw

1:06:46

into his chestplate for safekeeping,

1:06:48

turned to the camera and

1:06:51

proudly proclaimed once more.

1:06:53

I fucking love oil. Then he

1:06:55

transformed into a flying car and

1:06:57

flew into the night, leaving behind

1:06:59

naught but a trail of black

1:07:02

smog in his wake. Incredible. Cut

1:07:04

two, another time, another place,

1:07:06

aka Dr. Lask's living room

1:07:09

in upstate New York. Tin

1:07:11

Man, where are you, my

1:07:13

mechanical marvel? Dr. Lask searched his

1:07:15

abode high and low and high

1:07:17

again for his creation, the man

1:07:19

of Tin who had disappeared from

1:07:21

the good doctor's suburban home without

1:07:24

a trace. Presently he paced into

1:07:26

the living room and checked underneath

1:07:28

a couch cushion, hoping against hope

1:07:30

that Tin Man would be hiding

1:07:32

beneath it somehow. And when this

1:07:34

final gambit proved fruitless, he wiped

1:07:36

the beads of nervous sweat from

1:07:38

his brow and proclaimed to no

1:07:41

one in particular. Oh, he gods, this

1:07:43

isn't good. Tin man can't

1:07:45

be left unsupervised. Without his

1:07:47

giant hamster bottle of oil

1:07:49

keeping him docile, there's no

1:07:51

telling what sorts of trouble

1:07:53

he'll get himself into. I

1:07:56

just hope he turns up soon.

1:07:58

Double-cut, too. Another place. another

1:08:00

time, aka the timberfall tavern

1:08:02

in the Teager Woods. It was

1:08:04

just another moons day morning for Sir

1:08:07

Lightning Mc Jungle Cat. The finest night

1:08:09

in all of Oakburg, as he did

1:08:11

what he always did at 9am. He

1:08:13

sat his ass at the bar and

1:08:15

enjoyed his boy breakfast of

1:08:18

baked beans and beer, until

1:08:20

he was either presented with

1:08:22

a quest or kicked out

1:08:24

of the establishment for disorderly

1:08:26

conduct, whichever came first. It

1:08:28

was usually the latter. Yeah.

1:08:30

Presently, he was three cans

1:08:33

and five mugs deep, respectively,

1:08:35

and his stomach growled in

1:08:37

agony. Bar tender. I have to

1:08:39

go take a shit. Please make sure no

1:08:41

one takes my spot. I'll be right

1:08:43

back. Don't worry, Sugar. I'll watch

1:08:46

it like a hawk. Lightning stood

1:08:48

from his seat, clenched his

1:08:50

cheeks, and waddled into the latrine

1:08:52

with all the swiftness of the

1:08:54

swift a night of his stature

1:08:57

could muster. And 20 minutes of

1:08:59

liquid shits later, after wiping his

1:09:01

ass, washing his hands, and suiting

1:09:03

back up into his plate mail

1:09:05

armor, he was aghast to find

1:09:07

that his seat was now occupied

1:09:10

by some ruffian or another. But

1:09:12

before he had a chance to get

1:09:14

into a good old-fashioned bar fight with

1:09:16

the fool so brazen as to take

1:09:19

Sir Lightning McG jungle cat's seat,

1:09:21

his entire life was about to

1:09:23

turn upside down. For into the

1:09:25

establishment barged a flustered teary-eyed

1:09:27

orch who ambled up to

1:09:30

the bar and cried Turn

1:09:32

on the news. It doesn't matter

1:09:34

what channel The bartender flipped

1:09:36

on the magic rectangle and low

1:09:38

live for all to see on

1:09:41

channel 69 news was footage of

1:09:43

ten man's car form flying through

1:09:45

the air releasing putrid streaks of

1:09:47

smog as it careened straight into

1:09:49

the North Tower of the Jurgels

1:09:52

and Trade Center The thing toppled

1:09:54

like a house of cards, killing thousands

1:09:56

of innocent bureaucrats and businessmen and shit

1:09:59

in the process. But Tin Man

1:10:01

emerged out the other side

1:10:03

of the building unscathed and

1:10:05

did an aileron roll before

1:10:07

doubling back and crashing through

1:10:09

the South Tower as well.

1:10:11

No! I fucking love oil! Not

1:10:13

a single dry eye remained in

1:10:15

the timberfall tavern as the bar's

1:10:17

patrons watched the grizzly scene play

1:10:20

out before them. Strangers hugged as

1:10:22

they sobbed into each other's shoulders.

1:10:24

Anything to find some semblance of

1:10:27

comfort in this hellish new world

1:10:29

they now lived in. A world

1:10:31

where a flying car could swoop

1:10:34

in and massacre thousands of people

1:10:36

in a matter of moments. And

1:10:38

I'm proud to be a Yerxelinian!

1:10:40

Where are we in this town?

1:10:43

No, I'm free! But for Sir

1:10:45

Lightning Mc Jungle Cat,

1:10:47

ever the opportunist, this

1:10:49

unprecedented act of terrorism

1:10:51

meant one thing. With the

1:10:54

unwavering confidence of a drunkard

1:10:56

after one too many, he

1:10:59

stood atop the nearest stool

1:11:01

and proclaimed. Quickly, someone

1:11:03

pay me money and I

1:11:05

shall go on a quest

1:11:07

to vanquish this foul beast

1:11:10

right now before he does

1:11:12

any more damage. Good Lord,

1:11:14

he just hit the pentagon!

1:11:16

Someone screamed as the man

1:11:18

of tin did just that

1:11:20

live on the air. What

1:11:22

is the pension on in

1:11:24

this context? What path is

1:11:26

he flying? He made it

1:11:28

there pretty quick. Wait, hold

1:11:31

on, we need to investigate

1:11:33

Building 7. I don't

1:11:35

think this actually happened.

1:11:37

This is a canon,

1:11:39

folks. A shower of gold

1:11:41

coins and one US-American

1:11:43

$20 bill were flung

1:11:45

haphazardly into the noble knight's

1:11:48

direction from all angles.

1:11:50

He was positively swimming in coinage

1:11:52

and was now obligated to make

1:11:54

good on his promise. So he

1:11:57

ordered another drink, downed it, then

1:11:59

called a... Taubur because he

1:12:01

was far too inebriated to

1:12:03

operate a wooden carriage. This

1:12:06

guy fucking sucks and but

1:12:08

at least he isn't drunk

1:12:10

driving. Or what if? That's

1:12:12

how we uh, that's how we defeat

1:12:14

Tin Man. Got a truck drive

1:12:16

into him. Or maybe he needs

1:12:18

to be drunk while he's driving.

1:12:21

Oh yeah. Exactly. On oil. He

1:12:23

drunk on oil. Thank you

1:12:25

for choosing Santa Uber for

1:12:28

all your traveling needs. Where

1:12:30

too, kind stranger? Follow

1:12:32

that smoke trail. I must vanquish

1:12:34

the dastardly foe who left it

1:12:36

for the good of the land.

1:12:38

Whoa, whoa, whoa, bro, you want me

1:12:41

to follow that thing? He just

1:12:43

hit the Pentagon! I'm on a

1:12:45

quest, damn it! A bunch of

1:12:47

people just gave me money to

1:12:50

go defeat that foul beast in

1:12:52

pitched combat. Now quit your belly-inking

1:12:54

and get follow the damn trail.

1:12:56

Yeah, make good on your Kickstarter,

1:12:58

uh, promises, you bastard. Exactly.

1:13:01

Yeah, nah, bra, ain't gonna

1:13:03

happen, sorry. Listen, Bub, do you

1:13:05

want five stars in a fat

1:13:07

fucking tip or not? Well, shit, dog,

1:13:09

that's all you had to say, hop

1:13:11

on. And lo, lightning-mek jungle cat

1:13:14

rode his senta-uber east into

1:13:16

the deep woods, so deep

1:13:18

in fact that neither lightning

1:13:20

nor his sentar companion could

1:13:23

even see the sky anymore.

1:13:25

It was all branches and leaves

1:13:27

and shit up there now, and

1:13:29

so their trail raneth cold.

1:13:32

Blast, says the senta-uber, it

1:13:34

seems we cannot continue our search.

1:13:36

Would you like me to drop

1:13:38

you off here or... Not so

1:13:40

fast you crave and rent a

1:13:42

steed. I have an idea. Using

1:13:45

my big strong arms and legs,

1:13:47

I shall climb up to the

1:13:49

forest canopy and scope out the

1:13:52

villain's trail with style and ease.

1:13:54

Steeze if you will. Now stay

1:13:56

put. I'll be right back. You

1:13:59

got it boss! The noble

1:14:01

knight, Sir Lightning Mc Jungle Cat,

1:14:03

hopped off his scinta Uber's back

1:14:05

and skittered up the nearest tree

1:14:07

with the quickness of lightning and

1:14:09

the steeze of a jungle cat

1:14:11

on the prowl. He poked his

1:14:14

head up through the tree line

1:14:16

and immediately caught sight of Ten

1:14:18

Man's Trail, the streak of acrid

1:14:20

black smoke which continued due east.

1:14:22

But when he climbed back down

1:14:24

to proceed on his quest, he

1:14:27

was loath to discover that his

1:14:29

trustee Senta Uber had already abandoned

1:14:31

him. Yeah. Fuck! Basically as

1:14:33

soon as he turned around, dust clap.

1:14:36

That's a one-star review. Yeah, no,

1:14:38

he's gone. Also, is rent a

1:14:40

steed a racial slur? It definitely

1:14:42

sounds like one. It could be, in

1:14:45

some circles it is. He literally

1:14:47

rented a steed though, so like, like,

1:14:49

it's... Well, yeah, but he's a sentar,

1:14:51

man. I guess. And so he moved

1:14:53

ahead on foot, hacking it vines

1:14:56

and leaves and murkmunks and other

1:14:58

such vegetation with his broadsword as

1:15:00

he marched due east, through the

1:15:02

thick foliage of the teager woods

1:15:05

undeterred. After several hours of this, all

1:15:07

the alcohol he had drank for

1:15:09

breakfast had since worn off, and

1:15:11

our noble knight was left with

1:15:14

a splitting headache and a severe

1:15:16

case of cotton mouth. Needless

1:15:18

to say, he had grown quite

1:15:20

deterred indeed, and now moved at

1:15:23

a snail's pace toward his destination.

1:15:25

Ah, by George White Town's balls! I'm

1:15:27

parched! Oh, what I wouldn't give

1:15:29

for a nice tall glass of mead

1:15:31

brand mead right about now! It was

1:15:34

around this time that Sir Lightning

1:15:36

stumbled upon a babbling brook

1:15:38

occupied by all sorts of

1:15:40

little woodland critters. Deer, racoons,

1:15:43

owls, murkmunks, chipmunks, and a

1:15:45

bunch of other stuff. Unspecified

1:15:47

other things. They drank calmly

1:15:49

from the brook, paying no

1:15:52

mind to the bumbling adventurer

1:15:54

who had entered into their

1:15:56

domain. The one who removed his

1:15:58

plate mail helm and dunked his

1:16:01

whole head into the drink

1:16:03

to better quench his ravenous

1:16:05

thirst. And meaning me, speaking of,

1:16:07

hold on, let me take a

1:16:10

sip here. Oh, yeah. Hydration, brother.

1:16:12

Yes, sir. Excuse me. When he

1:16:15

undunked his head from

1:16:17

the water, he noticed that

1:16:19

all the aforementioned critters

1:16:21

that were just there

1:16:23

had hastily dispersed into

1:16:25

the surrounding wilderness. The noble

1:16:28

knight just assumed that it was

1:16:30

his presence that it spooked him

1:16:32

off and thought nothing more of

1:16:34

it. So he continued kneeling at

1:16:36

the side of the brook and

1:16:38

drank his fill, then removed his

1:16:40

plate mail cod piece and peed

1:16:42

into the water. Ah, that's better.

1:16:44

I've been holding that one and

1:16:46

since boy breakfast. It was... Peeing

1:16:49

right in the drinking water like

1:16:51

a true noble night around him

1:16:53

he could have chose so many

1:16:56

trees Yeah into the water into

1:16:58

the drinking the clean water specifically

1:17:00

every decision that lightning the jungle

1:17:02

cat makes makes me hate him

1:17:05

a little bit more Okay, this

1:17:07

might change your mind glad he

1:17:09

gets exploded by a dragon or

1:17:11

whatever happened to him. No, he

1:17:13

died from like a severe hangover

1:17:15

The hangover killed him, but

1:17:18

that's a story for another

1:17:20

time. It was then that the

1:17:22

forest nymph who was standing

1:17:24

behind him this whole time

1:17:26

finally piped up and made her

1:17:28

presence known. Why hello

1:17:30

there you handsome human man

1:17:32

you! She was stunning in every

1:17:34

sense of the word. With fiery

1:17:37

red hair, freckled ivory skin, butterfly

1:17:39

wings, and a short, revealing mini

1:17:41

skirt of leaves. And her tits

1:17:44

were totally out, too. Flopping in

1:17:46

the breeze of the forest as

1:17:48

she smiled wide. Oh, she had

1:17:51

cool boobs? Yeah, cool boobs, totally

1:17:53

out, flopping in the breeze as

1:17:55

she smiled wide, revealing that set

1:17:58

of pearly white razor sharp. Pointed

1:18:00

teeth. Good day

1:18:02

to you, comely forest maiden. What

1:18:04

brings you to the old watering

1:18:06

-hole at this hour? Oh,

1:18:09

noble knight, I've

1:18:11

been all on my lonesome in these

1:18:13

here woods for so long, I'm

1:18:15

in dire need of a big

1:18:17

strong man such as yourself to

1:18:20

satisfy my carnal desires. Whoa!

1:18:23

Quickly, these voluptuous curves of

1:18:25

mine need to be handled

1:18:27

roughly right here on the

1:18:29

forest floor, presently. Won't

1:18:31

you join me for an afternoon

1:18:34

of joyous procreation, sir knight?

1:18:37

Ain't gonna happen, lady. Nice.

1:18:39

For I, sir lightning McJunglecat, am

1:18:41

a happily married man. I

1:18:43

thought it was an open marriage.

1:18:45

Cut to, dozens of miles

1:18:47

away in the village of Oakburg,

1:18:49

a fruit vendor was peddling

1:18:51

his wares right outside the McJunglecat

1:18:54

household. Fruits for

1:18:56

sale, fruits for sale, apples,

1:18:58

oranges, cucumbers, all sorts of

1:19:00

fruits for sale. When all of

1:19:02

a sudden, a goblin poked

1:19:04

his head out from the

1:19:06

bedroom window and screamed, Hey,

1:19:09

would you keep it down out there? Me and

1:19:11

my boys are trying to have

1:19:13

hot nasty sex with some guy's wife

1:19:15

in here. There's 13 of us

1:19:17

in total and I got last for

1:19:19

Orc J's sake. Nice. Cut

1:19:23

back to. Come

1:19:25

on, your wife won't find

1:19:27

out. It'll be our

1:19:29

dirty little secret. Out

1:19:32

of the question, I may be

1:19:34

a drunk and a scoundrel, but

1:19:36

there are certain lines that I

1:19:38

do not cross. Oh, you're no

1:19:40

fun. But mayhaps I could

1:19:42

change your mind if I were

1:19:44

to oil up these big beautiful

1:19:46

breasts of mine. She surmised as

1:19:48

she produced a bottle of tanning

1:19:50

lotion from goblin Jesus knows where

1:19:52

and began applying it vigorously to

1:19:54

her bosom area. Everybody knows in

1:19:56

between the boobs is a hammer

1:19:58

space. Come on. No

1:20:01

means no, you oil-covered vagrant? Can't

1:20:03

you see, I'm in the middle

1:20:05

of a quest right now? I

1:20:08

fucking love oil! From out of

1:20:10

fucking nowhere, a talking flying car

1:20:12

reigned down through the tree line

1:20:14

and dive bombed the oiled-up nymph

1:20:16

in question. Oh, I didn't expect

1:20:18

it! Tin man quickly reverted back

1:20:20

to his man form and produced

1:20:22

his silly straw proboscis, which he

1:20:25

affixed into place on his nose.

1:20:27

The sky went from clear cyan

1:20:29

blue to dark overcast gray in

1:20:31

a matter of moments as torrential

1:20:33

rains rolled in and lightning. The

1:20:35

weather effect, not the man, crashed

1:20:37

in the background for added effect.

1:20:40

Speaking of lightning, the guy? He's

1:20:42

a fucking human and not a

1:20:44

catman? No, he's a guy, he's

1:20:46

a human man. See, in my

1:20:48

brain, he was like a fat

1:20:50

lion man. I've gotten this, Dr.

1:20:52

Phil was talking to me like

1:20:54

yesterday about the same exact thing.

1:20:57

He's like, I thought he was

1:20:59

a cat. He's a Mick jungle

1:21:01

cat. That's his family name. Yeah.

1:21:03

It's a surname, yeah. That's like,

1:21:05

your last name's wizard. That doesn't

1:21:07

mean you're a wizard, like IRL.

1:21:09

I am though, I said so

1:21:11

at the beginning of this podcast.

1:21:14

How dare you tell my broadcasting

1:21:16

ability. Ace's like job of the

1:21:18

hut. They, they are what they

1:21:20

are what they are, but not

1:21:22

everyone. Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. All the

1:21:24

while, the metal man thrust his

1:21:26

straw appendage forward and swallowed his

1:21:29

oil-coated prey hole. Like, like cell

1:21:31

from Dragon Ball, like his tail

1:21:33

comes out and just absorbs Android

1:21:35

17 in one bite. I thought

1:21:37

it was 18 and absorbed like

1:21:39

the... Both of them? Both of

1:21:41

them, yeah. Can't wait to see...

1:21:43

Can't wait to see his next

1:21:46

form. All perfect Tin Man? Yeah.

1:21:48

As she writhed about inside of

1:21:50

the straw, her muffled cries growing

1:21:52

weaker by the second as she

1:21:54

traveled up the length of the

1:21:56

Probrasquez and into Tin Man's being.

1:21:58

Help me lightning! I

1:22:10

fucking love oil, he said as

1:22:12

his torso began spinning around like

1:22:15

a drier cycle as to

1:22:17

harvest all the oil from the

1:22:19

nymphs carcass. Your days are

1:22:21

numbered, you metal marauder, for

1:22:24

I, Sir Lightning Mc Jungle

1:22:26

Cat, have been paid approximately

1:22:28

76 gold and 20 U.S.

1:22:31

American dollars to destroy you

1:22:33

in pitched combat. Prepare to

1:22:35

die! Sir Lightning Mc Jungle Cat

1:22:37

drew his broadsword and began

1:22:39

hacking and slashing at the

1:22:42

metal man in his midst.

1:22:44

The one whose wide, clothed

1:22:46

mouth smile quickly rotated 180

1:22:48

degrees into a frown as

1:22:50

his pupils flashed red for

1:22:52

added effect. I fucking love oil!

1:22:54

But alas! His tin carapice was

1:22:56

far too sturdy for the noble

1:22:59

knight's sword to do much of

1:23:01

anything to. So he stood there,

1:23:03

menacingly, unable to move during

1:23:05

his oil harvesting protocols, simply

1:23:07

leering down at the noble

1:23:09

night in a manner so

1:23:11

intimidating that it caused him

1:23:13

to turn tail and run

1:23:15

all the way back home. Blast! This

1:23:17

foe is too powerful! Either that or

1:23:19

I'm getting too old for this

1:23:22

questing shit! Maybe it's time I

1:23:24

consider what to do for my

1:23:26

retirement! And low, Tin Man stood

1:23:28

triumphant over all those who

1:23:31

had opposed him, stood and

1:23:33

allowed his oil harvesting protocols

1:23:35

to finish without any further

1:23:37

interruption. Seventeen minutes later, and

1:23:39

the mechanical marvel dinged and released

1:23:41

a torrent of steam from his

1:23:44

face holes as he deposited a

1:23:46

small pile of cremated ashes onto

1:23:49

the forest floor. But alas as

1:23:51

the man of tin was to soon

1:23:53

find out first hand he had stood

1:23:55

out in the rain for too long

1:23:58

and was now rusted in place His

1:24:00

mental synapses went into overdrive as he

1:24:02

tried to think of a way out

1:24:04

of this predicament. He crossed his eyes

1:24:06

down at the silly straw still affixed

1:24:08

to his nose and a light bulb

1:24:11

appeared directly above his head. Signaling to

1:24:13

you, dear listener, that Tin Man had

1:24:15

just come up with an idea. In

1:24:17

a last-minute gambit to lube up

1:24:20

his limbs, he tried to use

1:24:22

his proboscis to retrieve his trusty

1:24:24

oil can, but it was unable

1:24:27

to do so. For after pulling

1:24:29

out that short stout vessel from

1:24:31

inside his chestplate, both artifacts fell

1:24:34

to the grassy ground, just

1:24:36

hardly out of reach. And

1:24:38

there he stood. And stood.

1:24:40

And stood. Finn. Damn. It's all

1:24:42

connected. It's all connected.

1:24:45

I remember with the earlier

1:24:47

story. He's wondering how did

1:24:49

he get here and how

1:24:51

did that other guy retire?

1:24:53

Yeah. It all connects. He caused the

1:24:56

fantasy equivalent of 9-11 and then

1:24:58

got rusted in the rain. He

1:25:00

did worse than 9-11 because we

1:25:02

didn't get the Pentagon's story. That's

1:25:04

true. He did successfully hit the Pentagon

1:25:06

as well. But I guess in

1:25:08

Yerksland, the Pentagon is just like

1:25:11

a cornfield shaped like a Pentagon

1:25:13

or something. I didn't think that

1:25:15

through. We still need to investigate

1:25:17

Building 7, though. I don't think 10 men

1:25:20

burn that hot. Yeah, no, the oil

1:25:22

doesn't melt steel beams. Yeah,

1:25:24

exactly. I'm thinking like this,

1:25:26

since this is like a

1:25:29

fantasy world and like, this is

1:25:31

probably like a building

1:25:33

like out of, out of like

1:25:35

straw and sticks or something, like

1:25:38

it's not like too terribly

1:25:40

sturdy. It housed thousands.

1:25:42

Yeah. That's true. But yeah, so

1:25:45

that's my story about. Sir

1:25:47

Lightning Mc Jungle

1:25:49

Cat before his

1:25:52

last quest before

1:25:54

he retired and

1:25:57

died three days

1:25:59

later. God

1:26:17

damn it. That was a really good

1:26:19

story. I can't believe we

1:26:21

can help reduce someone to

1:26:23

ashes. And fucking me and

1:26:25

strawberry both had like a

1:26:27

fucking a maiden of questionable

1:26:30

repute comments and and

1:26:32

seduce our main protagonist as

1:26:34

well. Something about temples and

1:26:37

comets really get people's blood

1:26:39

moving. Exactly. like chaotic neutral

1:26:42

at best. You know, I

1:26:44

don't think she has the

1:26:47

best repute in the world.

1:26:49

I think Belgalora's clone is

1:26:51

just like, like the fucking,

1:26:53

like she's in like cleric gear,

1:26:55

so she's obviously the good one.

1:26:58

Yeah, no, it's a bit of

1:27:00

a fun subversion of the evil

1:27:03

shadow. The evil shadow is the

1:27:05

good version. It's the one, uh,

1:27:07

Belgalora's like pure it, right? This

1:27:10

one's super ego. Exactly. Yeah. So

1:27:12

that was, uh, I'm glad, I'm

1:27:14

glad that you fellas were able

1:27:16

to join me for these tales

1:27:19

of comments and temples. That was

1:27:21

a really good time. I enjoyed

1:27:23

both of your stories thoroughly. I'm

1:27:26

glad you guys enjoyed mine. And

1:27:28

we've all had a wonderful time. A

1:27:30

lot of, a lot of like mental

1:27:32

like bridges were formed during these right,

1:27:35

the writing of these. Because I know

1:27:37

strawberry yours was written a while ago,

1:27:39

but like it just so happened that

1:27:42

me and Ace just so happened to

1:27:44

like, like just pick up on a

1:27:46

lot of what you were gonna tell

1:27:49

us about this. I mean, I didn't

1:27:51

really keep that in mind. I

1:27:53

just kind of wanted to write about,

1:27:55

I came up with... Belgalore's

1:27:57

Epic Quest score again and the

1:28:00

shower and I was just like well

1:28:02

yeah no I'm not right about

1:28:04

that now that's too all the

1:28:06

best ideas come in the shower

1:28:09

that's too funny of the title

1:28:11

and that's the only thing

1:28:13

that does in the shower I mean

1:28:15

yes yeah yeah yeah not the shower

1:28:17

and that's takes too long

1:28:19

you're gonna run out of hot

1:28:22

water yeah anyways three minutes

1:28:24

later three minutes later I

1:28:26

mean that's yeah I mean if

1:28:28

this witch is as hot as you

1:28:31

say I think three minutes

1:28:33

is pretty pretty pretty impressive.

1:28:35

She's a withered old crowd

1:28:38

remember? Yeah but like she

1:28:40

appeared to our barbarian friend

1:28:42

as a very very seductive

1:28:44

in a very seductive manner.

1:28:47

It's like that bit from

1:28:49

fucking Conan or you just... Yeah,

1:28:51

it's in the house. There's an

1:28:53

old lady like Fox. While they're

1:28:56

doing it, she turns into a

1:28:58

fucking creature and throws her into

1:29:00

fire. Yeah, I love that scene. Oh,

1:29:02

okay. I was gonna mention, like,

1:29:04

I might have read that comic

1:29:06

around this time, actually. But like,

1:29:08

that's in the movie, Sue. That

1:29:11

happens a lot, I bet. I

1:29:13

bet Conan's getting that treatment every

1:29:15

other month. Oh my god, you

1:29:17

don't have no idea. I've been

1:29:19

reading through the Conan books. I

1:29:21

made, like there's this one where

1:29:23

he's like in the fucking, in

1:29:26

the fucking like the temple, like

1:29:28

with all the concubines and the

1:29:30

zealots and shit. He goes down there

1:29:32

and like gets seduced by a

1:29:34

vampire. She's like, I've been immortal

1:29:37

for thousands of years. And like

1:29:39

she smiles, reveals her fangid teeth

1:29:41

and tries to bite him while

1:29:44

he's doing it. The dungeon seems

1:29:46

like a weird place

1:29:49

to start posting

1:29:51

hog. You know? Yeah,

1:29:53

posting hog. I like

1:29:55

that phrase. It just

1:29:57

seems like a strange...

1:30:00

has to be like,

1:30:02

yeah, no, we're gonna

1:30:05

do it here baby.

1:30:08

Yeah boy. My

1:30:10

longest yeah boy

1:30:13

ever. Great audio

1:30:16

experience. I love

1:30:19

this podcast. Thank you.

1:30:21

He was choop in

1:30:23

the whoop. Between that

1:30:25

and the steamed hambs,

1:30:28

but I just, I'm

1:30:30

really glad that we have

1:30:32

loyal, loyal listeners. Go

1:30:34

to patreon.com slash give

1:30:37

Chris money. That's the one.

1:30:39

Is that the actual link?

1:30:41

Because that's great. That's not

1:30:44

the link. That's unfortunate. Should

1:30:46

be. And you better know

1:30:48

how to spell that. I

1:30:51

could have gone for a

1:30:53

lot longer, but I didn't

1:30:56

actually like breathe in all

1:30:58

the air before I started.

1:31:00

Seems like a big error's

1:31:03

mistake. I'm not going to

1:31:05

try again. We'll just leave

1:31:07

it with that. Let's not

1:31:09

fix it in post. All

1:31:11

right, let's get the fuck

1:31:14

out of here. Yeah.

1:31:16

Podcast done. Yeah, we're done

1:31:18

here. My show now, fuck you.

1:31:20

Yeah, you know

1:31:22

it. The Fable

1:31:25

and Falling Network,

1:31:28

where fiction producers

1:31:32

flourish. Come on,

1:31:34

tell me more

1:31:37

about your monster

1:31:39

world. Right.

1:31:42

October is

1:31:44

one of the written

1:31:46

worlds. It might be

1:31:48

the oldest, because it

1:31:50

serves one of the

1:31:52

deepest needs. It is a

1:31:54

world that's made of monsters.

1:31:57

Here we go. Gargoyles, working

1:31:59

cons- I get the picture. the

1:32:01

machinery, be something if that were a place where we

1:32:03

and rare creatures in the

1:32:05

go. Gil folks in the in the and

1:32:07

Kaid you beyond the mountains, The

1:32:10

moonkin and the puka. and I know

1:32:12

at least one skeleton by name.

1:32:14

by name. gonna stop you before

1:32:16

the you before the the Walk and I

1:32:18

get the picture. bird. I get It

1:32:20

sure would be something be were

1:32:22

a place where we could were a

1:32:24

go, we wouldn't it, Karo? go, wouldn't

1:32:26

it, Carrow? Yeah, it sure would be.

1:32:28

be. Waiting

1:32:30

for October, a queer

1:32:32

supernatural audio drama from

1:32:34

Productions. Find us in all

1:32:36

your podcast apps. The the

1:32:38

starts this Halloween.