0:10

I'm Nicole Khalil, and you're listening to

0:12

the This Is Woman's Work podcast. We're

0:14

together. We're redefining what it means, what

0:16

it looks and feels like to be

0:18

doing woman's work in the world today

0:20

with you as the decider. Whatever

0:23

feels real and true and right for

0:25

you, that's your way of doing woman's

0:27

work. And that is meant

0:29

to be motivating and inspiring, personal and

0:31

global. But it can also feel

0:33

a little overwhelming and daunting, right? Like,

0:36

I'm the decider? How the hell

0:38

am I supposed to know and who

0:40

has the time to figure out

0:42

what feels true and real and right?

0:44

And even if I did know,

0:46

how do I do that without facing

0:48

a barrage of expectations and other

0:50

people's opinions? And here's the thing.

0:53

We all have our own journeys,

0:55

paths, and processes. But

0:57

one way we may all

0:59

want to consider is self -care.

1:02

And not the self -care that's

1:04

been hashtagged to oblivion plastered on

1:06

overpriced candles and turned into

1:08

a marketing juggernaut. Yet despite all

1:10

the talk about bubble baths

1:12

and spa days, most of us

1:14

are still running on fumes. So

1:16

what if self -care wasn't about

1:19

escaping your life for an hour

1:21

of me time, but about

1:23

transforming your life and possibly the

1:25

lives of others by showing up

1:27

for yourself in a radically

1:29

different way? What if self

1:31

-care wasn't selfish and wasn't

1:33

for sale, but was

1:35

instead a profound act of

1:38

activism, connection, and courage?

1:40

Think about it. When was the

1:43

last time you felt deeply

1:45

cared for by yourself? And

1:47

what would be possible if you did? What

1:50

if you walked into your relationships,

1:52

your career, and your passions

1:54

already cared for? How would that

1:57

change just about everything? Because

1:59

the truth is, many of us have

2:01

bought into the lie that self

2:03

-care is selfish, indulgent, or worse, a

2:06

luxury. Which has us

2:08

meeting everyone else's needs while putting

2:10

ours last. We're praised for

2:12

being selfless and feel judged when

2:14

we prioritize our own well -being.

2:17

It feels like an impossible tightrope act,

2:19

but here's a thought. What if

2:21

the most radical act of self -care is

2:23

to stop even showing up to the

2:25

circus? I'm not the expert, but

2:28

I found us a guest who is. Shelly

2:30

Tegelski is the powerhouse in

2:32

the world of radical self -care. She's

2:35

the author of Sit Down to

2:37

Rise Up and Founder of

2:40

Pandemic of Love, a global mutual

2:42

aid organization that's rewritten the

2:44

script on giving and receiving support.

2:47

Called one of the 12 most

2:49

powerful women in the mindfulness movement

2:51

by mindful .org, Shelly combines mindfulness

2:53

with activism in ways that

2:55

are as impactful as they are

2:57

inspiring. Today, we'll talk

2:59

about how self -care can be

3:01

a form of activism while positive

3:03

thinking can be toxic and what

3:06

it really means to show up

3:08

for yourself and your community. Shelly,

3:10

welcome to the show. And I

3:12

want to start with this idea of

3:15

self -care and activism because you call

3:17

yourself or describe yourself as a

3:19

self -care activist. So what does

3:21

that even mean? Yeah, you

3:23

know, first of all, self -care.

3:26

an Audre Lorde actually penned

3:28

this. Self -care

3:30

is a radical act, a

3:33

political act of defiance. It

3:35

is a radical act

3:37

of activism. And

3:41

a self -care activist

3:43

is someone who is not

3:45

just pursuing self -care for individualistic

3:47

reasons, but really looking to

3:49

build community and weave safety

3:51

nets. that actually changed the

3:53

paradigm of the type of

3:55

world that we're living in

3:58

and existing in? I

4:00

guess then let me ask the question

4:02

of, and I kind of alluded to

4:04

this in my intro, and please feel

4:06

free to challenge or provide a different

4:08

perspective to anything that I said. But

4:11

how is what you're

4:13

talking about different than how

4:15

we're seeing self -care talked

4:17

about all over the

4:19

place today? Well self care

4:21

and the concept of

4:24

self care like many other

4:26

kind of things that

4:28

have to do with you

4:30

know wellness or philanthropy

4:32

the concept of like what

4:34

charity actually is for

4:36

example have been hijacked by.

4:39

By industry by capitalism and so what

4:41

we have right now and what

4:43

we've been seeing for really long time

4:45

for decades in fact. And I

4:47

would say that, you know, as somebody

4:50

who is kind of studying when

4:52

these shifts started to take place, the

4:54

last wave of when self

4:56

-care kind of became the

4:58

self -care industrial complex or the

5:00

part of the wellness industrial

5:02

complex was after 9 -11.

5:04

Around the same time of

5:06

9 -11, people started to talk

5:08

about self -care again, and

5:10

then after that it... incredibly

5:12

hijacked by people trying to

5:15

sell you quick fixes and

5:17

the seven steps to do

5:19

this and the five steps

5:21

to do that and you

5:23

know self -care in five minutes

5:25

etc. And so

5:27

the self -care that that

5:29

I'm talking about really

5:31

has doesn't cost money. It

5:33

has nothing to do

5:35

with needing to have a

5:37

certain socioeconomic status or

5:39

the ability to purchase something

5:42

It's really about connection

5:44

to yourself, and it's

5:46

mostly about connection to

5:48

others. So when we're talking

5:50

about self care, there's a misnomer

5:52

there, right? Like the word self is

5:54

in there. That's misleading. Because

5:57

people think, oh, self

5:59

as in I, me,

6:01

the individualistic self, right? But

6:04

actually, When we're talking about self

6:06

-care and when I speak about

6:08

it in the book and people

6:10

I think who are really involved

6:12

in kind of grassroots activism, people

6:15

who are involved in building mutual

6:17

aid and community are speaking about

6:19

self -care in terms of communal care.

6:22

And we still use the terminology of

6:24

self -care because if we say communal

6:26

care, people go, huh? and

6:28

they don't really understand what that means

6:30

and also how it can benefit them. So

6:33

it's really important to sort of, you

6:35

know, widen the aperture, widen

6:37

the scope of what we

6:39

think of as self -care as

6:41

being individualistic and shifting it

6:44

into a definition that really

6:46

means communal care. Okay,

6:48

I'm wildly curious about

6:50

this. My brain

6:53

makes the connection

6:55

of when we

6:57

care for ourselves, and

6:59

we know who we are,

7:01

and we're playing to our strengths

7:04

and bring our authentic selves

7:06

to the table, that we have

7:08

the higher possibility and probability

7:10

of impacting others and our community

7:12

at large. Is that what

7:14

you're talking about? Or am I still kind

7:16

of in this vein of like, take care

7:18

of yourself first so you can take care

7:20

of others? Yeah, well,

7:23

it's both and right. It's not

7:25

they're not mutually exclusive in

7:27

other words. Yes, of course We

7:29

we absolutely do need to

7:31

put that you know proverbial overused

7:33

cliche of Putting your oxygen

7:35

mask on first so that you

7:37

can then tend to others

7:39

but the truth of the matter

7:41

is is that there are

7:43

times in our lives when We're

7:45

just in a state of

7:47

complete, you know shock or we're

7:49

in burnout or teetering on

7:52

burnout or we're in such a

7:54

place that we can't even

7:56

remember to do that for ourselves

7:58

or we can't motivate ourselves

8:00

even if we do remember to

8:02

do that. So I'll give

8:04

you a concrete example, right? And

8:07

I talk about this in

8:09

the book actually. I talk

8:11

about being post -divorce, having

8:13

a toddler son,

8:16

And recently having had

8:18

been diagnosed with an

8:20

autoimmune condition that temporarily

8:22

left me blind and

8:24

that. I've been

8:27

actually tending to and struggling

8:29

with for the last two

8:31

decades at this point and

8:33

at that moment where I

8:35

was really feeling at my

8:38

lowest I was trying to

8:40

overcompensate as many parents do

8:42

especially you know women. moms

8:47

in trying to overcompensate for

8:49

that failure by being so present

8:51

for my son to make

8:53

sure that he's okay, right? So

8:55

tending to him and really

8:57

felt very lost myself. So I

8:59

felt lost in all aspects

9:01

of my life. I felt like

9:04

a complete failure as many

9:06

people sometimes do, even if a

9:08

divorce is amicable or the

9:10

best thing for you. And I

9:12

was really struggling health -wise and

9:14

I needed help I needed

9:16

to be able to lean on

9:18

a community and I You

9:21

know couldn't afford to wait for

9:23

people to show up for

9:25

me. I actually had to do

9:27

one of the hardest things

9:29

I ever had to do and

9:31

I think that a lot

9:33

of people struggle with this and

9:35

that is to ask for

9:38

help in a really tangible way

9:40

and so what I proceeded

9:42

to do was to invite women

9:44

to my house moms from

9:46

my son's school people that were

9:48

acquaintances and some that were

9:50

really good friends and You know

9:52

just like we we can

9:55

manage to somehow get together for

9:57

book clubs or we can

9:59

manage get together for you know

10:01

a Fun night out or

10:03

for for wine or coffee breaks

10:05

or what have you this

10:07

was really an intervention that I

10:09

kind of created for myself

10:12

in a way. And I blurted out

10:14

in this group of all sorts of

10:16

people, people again who knew me well

10:18

and some who didn't know me as

10:20

well and said, I really need help.

10:23

I am struggling. I

10:25

do not have time. You mentioned in

10:27

your intro that time is such a

10:29

commodity, like we can't get it back.

10:31

don't have time for myself. I don't

10:33

have time to put the oxygen mask

10:36

on. In fact, I don't even know

10:38

where the oxygen mask is. It's probably

10:40

in some box somewhere that still hasn't

10:42

been unpacked. And I really need help. And

10:45

these women mobilized for me

10:47

in such a real way. where

10:49

they helped me unpack and

10:52

they helped me create a schedule

10:54

where twice a week somebody

10:56

was taking my son to school

10:58

in the morning so that

11:00

I would have time in the

11:02

morning to you know go

11:04

for a walk or do yoga

11:06

or you know just tend

11:09

to myself have some space you

11:11

know the poet Judy Brown

11:13

says in such a such a

11:15

beautiful long eloquent poem but

11:17

there's a great line and the

11:19

poem is called fire and

11:21

it's that the space between the

11:23

logs is where the fire

11:25

grows. And so

11:28

I needed space. I

11:30

needed there to be space,

11:32

to be able to tend

11:34

to myself and just have

11:36

a moment to recalibrate because

11:38

I was in this constant

11:41

default mode of just reaction,

11:43

reaction, reaction. And there was

11:45

no time to actually sit back

11:47

and like pause for a moment. and

11:49

think about how do I want

11:51

to respond? How do

11:53

I make sure that

11:55

I'm not just reacting both

11:58

physiologically, biologically in all

12:00

the ways, right? Mentally and

12:02

actually having a moment

12:04

to just recalibrate, even if

12:06

it's in tiny little

12:08

steps that in aggregate over

12:10

time actually start to

12:12

move the needle. Okay,

12:14

so I feel like several little light

12:17

bulbs went off while you were talking

12:19

for me. First, I

12:21

think I made the connection of

12:23

what you were saying with communal

12:25

care, because I think when we

12:27

think of self -care, we think about

12:29

it being something we do with

12:31

and for ourselves. It's almost a

12:34

lonely act, which often when we

12:36

need self -care, what we're missing

12:38

is connection, is space and

12:40

time, is community. the

12:43

light bulb was how much our

12:45

community is imperative for a lot of

12:47

reasons in this act of self -care.

12:49

And I had never made that

12:51

connection before. So thank you for that.

12:54

I also think sometimes the

12:56

way self -care is being

12:58

positioned, I'll just say

13:01

out there, it feels like

13:03

another fucking thing to do. Right?

13:05

It's like, oh, God, there's another

13:07

thing on my to -do list.

13:09

And that is the very last

13:11

thing that I need. And self -care

13:13

sounds like it takes a lot

13:15

of time and time is the

13:18

commodity. So what it sounds like

13:20

you're saying is we need community

13:22

to create the time, the opportunity,

13:25

the conditions. OK.

13:28

The conditions that we

13:30

are required to even begin

13:32

to practice self -care. That's

13:35

right to do it

13:37

consistently to do it,

13:39

you know Mindfully to

13:41

do it in a

13:43

way that doesn't feel

13:46

like an absolute drag,

13:48

but actually begins to

13:50

be woven into your

13:52

life as You know

13:54

a tapestry is woven.

13:56

So I talk also

13:58

about self -care As

14:01

rhythms in our life

14:03

And how we can

14:05

really design self -care to

14:07

fit the rhythms that

14:09

are daily, that

14:11

are seasonal, that are

14:13

annual for us. And I

14:16

think that a lot of

14:18

times, like you said, if

14:20

we're looking at self -care

14:22

as another thing on our

14:24

to -do list, i .e., oh,

14:26

I didn't work out today. And

14:29

then we're now...

14:31

feeling guilty, we're feeling

14:33

bad about ourselves, we're

14:36

now adding secondary suffering to

14:38

that primary suffering of I

14:40

didn't do this thing. And

14:42

that really is ineffective

14:44

completely. I think when

14:47

we look at what are

14:49

the daily rhythms of our lives?

14:51

Where can we create, as

14:53

I said earlier, the space between

14:55

the logs? Rather than thinking

14:57

of it as these inordinate huge

14:59

chunks of time that have

15:02

to happen on a daily basis,

15:04

how do we think about things in

15:07

the form of a rhythm? So

15:09

if I just look at my

15:11

life on a daily basis, and even

15:13

maybe a smaller chunk, If I

15:15

look at my life in, you know,

15:17

at three intervals per day, my

15:19

mornings, the middle of the day,

15:21

and my evenings, where am

15:23

I able to without completely shifting

15:26

from one moment to the next,

15:28

right? And this is why many

15:30

resolutions don't work, by the way,

15:32

because things are so drastic. But

15:34

where can I easily start to

15:36

shift some of those rhythms? And

15:39

how do I sort of

15:41

begin to build this like snowball?

15:43

And how do those days

15:45

and those rhythms in small aggregates

15:47

and quantities and minor shifts

15:49

begin to actually create a shift

15:52

on a weekly basis and

15:54

on a monthly basis and on

15:56

a seasonal basis, etc. And

15:58

so, you know, I get

16:00

into this in the book because

16:02

I, for me, it really

16:04

was incremental. It had to

16:06

be. There was no way that

16:08

I was going to suddenly, you know,

16:10

create these enormous shifts

16:12

in my life because it

16:15

just wasn't possible unless suddenly, you

16:17

know, my community was able

16:19

to provide me with full -time

16:21

childcare, unlimited funds and

16:23

resources, you know, like

16:25

a private chef, a driver, etc.

16:28

Like it's just, that

16:30

really is just an, and I think

16:32

that's what we're striving for. That's what

16:34

the world is trying to sell us

16:36

on. And that's why we're always feeling

16:38

so deficient, we're feeling

16:40

inefficient, we're feeling like complete

16:42

failures when it comes to

16:44

tending to ourselves and why

16:46

our self -care is so

16:49

inconsistent. Because we don't have

16:51

that safety net. We don't

16:53

have the ability to say, I

16:55

couldn't get to this this

16:57

week or for many days in

16:59

a row. And let

17:01

me figure out what the obstacle is.

17:03

Why couldn't I get to this? Can

17:07

somebody help me remove that

17:09

obstacle if I can't do it

17:11

myself? And I will also say

17:13

that, you know, the next step, the next iteration

17:15

of that, and this is something that I was

17:17

so happy to be able to do when I

17:19

came out of my fog, like

17:21

16, 18 months after

17:23

that initial self

17:25

intervention, if you will,

17:29

is you're able to turn around and

17:31

say, wow, I finally feel like

17:33

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17:35

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17:37

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that you breathe. I

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think because this is

19:26

such a radical and different

19:28

expression of self -care than

19:30

we're hearing, I

19:32

would love maybe

19:34

some examples of

19:36

these daily seasonal

19:38

annual, especially as

19:40

you said earlier, that

19:42

don't involve great deals of

19:44

time or unlimited funds. What

19:47

are some ways or some

19:49

examples of practices of self

19:51

care? So,

19:53

you know, fast forward to

19:55

seven or eight years after

19:58

that kind of incredibly low

20:00

point that I had that

20:02

I had. just shared with

20:04

you. At that point,

20:06

I was remarried. I

20:08

was working in the

20:10

corporate world. My

20:13

son at that time was in

20:15

middle school. And I

20:17

had an incredibly intense

20:19

job, but also a really

20:21

long commute every single

20:23

day. And every

20:25

single day, I would, you

20:28

know, Feel that morning

20:30

rush. I know that a lot of

20:32

people listening to this would be like

20:34

yeah, we get it You know where

20:36

you're you're rushing to get yourself ready

20:38

for work rushing to make sure that

20:40

you're you're your kid or kids are

20:42

ready You're making breakfast. You have to

20:45

deal with like making lunch And you

20:47

have to get out on the road

20:49

on time and lo and behold, of

20:51

course You know 50 % of the

20:53

time there's always some sort of something

20:55

happening on the road and on the

20:57

highway that prevents you from actually getting

20:59

where you're going on time. And so

21:01

there's that morning stress, right? And

21:04

at the end of the

21:06

day, I would experience that as

21:08

well. Every single day I

21:10

would come home and I would

21:12

bring the residue with me

21:14

into the house, right? I

21:16

would literally just be all

21:18

day long from the morning moment

21:20

I woke up completely, you

21:22

know, stressed out and freaking out

21:24

and like on on this

21:26

like timer and then on my

21:28

way home, same situation. I

21:30

would get home, I would park

21:32

in the driveway and walk

21:34

into the house. And of

21:36

course, this may resonate with

21:38

some, you know, some of your

21:40

listeners or even with you. You

21:43

know, one of the first questions that

21:45

you get when you walk in after a

21:47

long day is what's for dinner? And

21:49

that would just completely set

21:51

me off too. And so

21:53

what I decided to start

21:55

doing is create these like

21:59

metaphorical mudrooms in my

22:01

life where before I

22:03

actually would enter from

22:05

one room to the

22:08

next or one task

22:10

to the next I

22:12

would just take a

22:14

minute a minute like

22:16

I would literally talk

22:18

to my phone and

22:20

say hey put on

22:22

a minute timer and

22:24

I would just pause

22:26

and recalibrate And sometimes

22:28

I would do like a breathing exercise,

22:31

but sometimes I would just sit

22:33

there in silence with the, you know,

22:35

car engine off before I actually

22:37

walked into the house so that I

22:39

wasn't bringing all of that residue

22:41

into the house with me and kind

22:43

of tracking all that mud in.

22:45

So think of it as a, right?

22:47

That's your mud room. And when

22:50

we have a mud room, what do

22:52

we do? We take our boots

22:54

off. We take off our dirty shoes,

22:56

our dirty coat. We don't track

22:58

all of that mud into the house

23:00

or into work or into these

23:02

other types of these sacred spaces or

23:04

places that we hope are safe

23:06

spaces for us. And we certainly want

23:08

them to be that for other

23:11

people as well. And so I started

23:13

to really just incorporate these like

23:15

one minute. Spaces into my life even

23:17

before at work going into a

23:19

meeting rather than rushing from like I'm

23:21

answering emails to Now I'm going

23:23

into the next meeting or I just

23:25

got off a phone call and

23:27

now I'm going to You know respond

23:30

to these emails like from task

23:32

to task to task I started to

23:34

create these little vignettes these little

23:36

windows and that in the again in

23:38

the aggregate really started to create

23:40

huge shifts for me because I was

23:42

able to show up

23:44

in a very different way

23:46

just by being conscious of

23:48

like, what am I bringing

23:50

from the day into this

23:52

moment, into the future? What

23:54

am I kind of dragging

23:56

along with me that I

23:59

can actually let go of

24:01

and just hang on that

24:03

hook and maybe never pick

24:05

it up again or maybe

24:07

pick it up again tomorrow?

24:10

I love the metaphorical mudroom. I love

24:12

the concept of this. My therapist actually

24:14

taught me something similar at the end

24:17

of the day. I have a 10

24:19

minute buffer and it's a little bit

24:21

of like, what do I need

24:23

to let go of from work? Whether

24:25

it's put it on my to -do

24:28

list tomorrow or write a note or

24:30

just like, okay, I need to like,

24:32

let's set this aside. I'm not gonna

24:34

solve this problem tonight type thing. And

24:36

then how do I wanna show up?

24:38

at home. And I don't drive, I

24:40

work from home. So it's literally like

24:42

a 30 second walk and it happens

24:44

to be through my mudroom. So I

24:46

love that. But you know, sort of

24:48

this cleaning off of one and sort

24:50

of recalibrating who you are and who

24:52

you want to be for the next.

24:54

I've never thought about doing it in

24:56

the morning. And I think every person

24:58

listening can relate to that chaos at

25:00

the beginning of the day and the

25:02

end of the day. So I love

25:04

this. And one of the things that

25:06

I really like about it is there's

25:08

a proactive element to it, whereas I

25:11

think a lot of times the way

25:13

we're sold self -care as a reactive thing,

25:15

like, oh, life is so hard and

25:17

you're so exhausted that you need to

25:19

escape, as opposed to doing things that

25:21

put us in a better position to

25:23

create a life that we don't feel

25:25

like we regularly need to escape from.

25:27

Yeah. Yeah. I mean,

25:30

look, life is hard. Let's just, like,

25:32

put that on the table, right? It can

25:34

be very hard. It can be blissful,

25:36

for sure. But life is

25:38

on the daily, on the regular, when

25:40

we sort of, like, look at the

25:42

whole, life can be,

25:44

have its challenging moments on a

25:46

daily basis. And so,

25:48

if we don't, if our

25:50

default mode is to just, you

25:52

know, create these pockets of

25:54

escape every now and then, that

25:57

doesn't work. Because you know and

25:59

studies by the way scientific studies have

26:01

proven that that doesn't work that

26:03

actually you know especially if you're teetering

26:05

even on burnout like you're you

26:07

know you go on vacation it takes

26:09

you like a day for your

26:11

kind of vagus nerve just to like

26:13

recalibrate and get you know for

26:15

you to mentally get into a good

26:17

state for you to physiologically get in

26:19

a good state and then. As

26:21

soon as you get back to your

26:23

routine if your routine is not

26:25

in check. If your routine

26:27

does not actually support

26:29

the type of life that

26:31

you want to be

26:33

living, then you're just within

26:35

48 hours hijacking your

26:37

system again. Right. So

26:39

how important is it for us

26:42

to regularly check in with ourselves of

26:44

like, what do I need

26:46

right now? Because there's such an

26:48

easy default to like what other

26:50

people tell us we should be

26:52

doing, right? Like other people tell

26:54

us, oh, we should move or

26:56

meditate or breathe or go to

26:59

the spa or buy this product,

27:01

right? It's so easy to get

27:03

caught up in it. So any

27:05

advice as to how we can

27:07

check in with ourselves with what

27:09

we need on any given day,

27:11

season or year? Well,

27:14

I check in with myself like in an

27:16

ordinate, I don't even know if I can give

27:18

you a number, but times a day. It

27:21

really just has become a

27:23

habit that I've cultivated. because

27:26

I grew up and

27:28

for a very long

27:30

time was a people

27:32

pleaser. My love language

27:34

is acts of service, which is not shocking

27:36

if you kind of look in my body

27:38

of work. But ultimately,

27:40

if you're constantly looking for validation

27:42

on the outside and you want

27:45

a people please and you're serving

27:47

others, you're forgetting to

27:49

service yourself. And so

27:51

I would take on so

27:53

many roles and

27:55

so many tasks that I

27:57

really should not have taken on

27:59

and I You know even

28:01

even meetings, you know, like I've

28:03

gotten so much better about

28:05

I used to take meetings back

28:08

to back to back to

28:10

back to back without building like

28:12

space in for myself or

28:14

I'm saying no, you know what

28:16

I'm carving out like these

28:18

windows where I absolutely no meetings

28:20

that can be scheduled for

28:22

me during this time at work

28:24

because i need time to

28:26

actually do work and to think

28:28

and to have like breathing

28:30

room and space you know. So

28:33

you start to like create these non -negotiables

28:35

for you but the way you kind

28:37

of get there is to check in with

28:39

yourself and i i actually have this

28:41

habit and i always have but like i

28:43

actually really i put wine or both

28:45

hands on my heart center and i. I

28:48

do that throughout the day actually like

28:50

I've always found it soothing and it's interesting

28:52

because my mother and I were recently

28:54

talking about the fact that I've been doing

28:56

this for you know the greater part

28:58

of my life so I think it was

29:00

just like something that was ingrained in

29:02

me from like a really or was soothing

29:04

to me from a very young age

29:07

but I tend to do that and I

29:09

tend to just like pause for a

29:11

minute and say like what do I need

29:13

in this moment? What

29:15

am I feeling into in this

29:17

moment? And I

29:20

think so many of

29:22

us are conditioned to,

29:24

again, react or do

29:26

for others or be

29:28

so heart -centered that

29:30

we kind of forget

29:33

that we have this

29:35

other really incredible resource

29:37

available to us, which

29:39

is our gut check. And

29:42

so many of us just don't tap

29:44

into that often enough. So

29:46

I would say wherever

29:48

you can, You know build

29:50

in these like moments to check

29:52

in with yourself. It doesn't take

29:54

long. It could be a 15

29:56

second check -in actually and and

29:58

and listen for a moment because

30:01

when you get quiet things actually

30:03

can get incredibly loud You know

30:05

and you could do this when

30:07

you're even you know on a

30:09

conference call or on a zoom

30:11

call like you think also We're

30:13

also so conditioned to like respond

30:15

to things right away. You know

30:17

and and and not pause for

30:19

a minute and just think. And

30:22

it's okay to do that too, like

30:24

when you're in meetings, you know, to just

30:26

give yourself that moment to say, what

30:28

do I really think about this right now?

30:31

You know, how do I feel

30:33

about this at this moment? There's

30:35

a sense of urgency in our

30:38

society that I think is, in

30:40

many cases, really self -imposed or has

30:42

just been ingrained in us, but

30:44

is actually not there. It's not

30:46

real. It feels

30:48

like this could be

30:50

the foundation of both self

30:52

-care and authenticity, right? Developing

30:55

the practice of just checking in with

30:57

yourself. How do I feel? What do

31:00

I need? And I

31:02

would imagine at least some of the

31:04

times the answer to the question of

31:06

what I need is I need some

31:08

help. As you said earlier, any tips

31:10

for asking for help? Look, asking

31:12

for help is incredibly hard.

31:14

And especially if you are the

31:16

type of person that is

31:18

the helper. And that was really

31:20

the case for me where I was like

31:22

wait a minute I'm always the one that's like.

31:25

Showing up for other people and this

31:28

doesn't feel right it feels strange. I

31:31

would say that honestly

31:33

like. If you're nervous about

31:35

asking for help or what you need

31:37

first and foremost go back to checking

31:40

in with yourself what do I need

31:42

right now I think sometimes. we

31:45

may think that we need help

31:47

and then we're so ambiguous about it

31:49

and then we get frustrated when

31:51

people don't show up for us. I

31:53

think the more tangible you can

31:55

be, the more specific you can be

31:58

in what it is that you

32:00

need help with. And I don't necessarily

32:02

mean that it has to be

32:04

like a specific task, right? I

32:06

mean like identify the obstacle.

32:09

This is the obstacle that I'm facing. This

32:11

is the challenge that I'm facing at this

32:13

moment. I need help

32:15

with ideas to eliminate that

32:17

challenge or help me overcome

32:19

this obstacle or alleviate some

32:21

of the stressors that it

32:23

is creating in my life.

32:26

And these are some of

32:28

the stressors it's creating. So

32:30

it's really about just sitting

32:32

down, taking the time to

32:34

actually fully write down what

32:36

it is that you need,

32:39

where the deficiencies are, and

32:41

giving people enough tools

32:43

to be able to help you.

32:46

And I think sometimes we avoid asking for

32:48

help for a lot of the reasons

32:50

you said and because there is this feeling

32:52

that we're a burden or that we're

32:54

inconveniencing other people. And something

32:56

you said earlier I think could be

32:58

really helpful to remember in these

33:00

moments is This is

33:03

seasonal and reciprocal. So

33:05

yes, there will come a time

33:07

where you're in a position where

33:09

you get to help people and

33:11

you know, I think maybe having that

33:13

come from will lessen that Feeling

33:15

or we just need to practice

33:17

setting it aside regardless of what

33:19

but Shelley I could ask you one

33:21

million more questions Unfortunately, we're out

33:23

of time and I know people

33:25

are gonna want to find you

33:27

and learn more so Friend, you

33:29

can find and follow Shelly on Instagram

33:32

at mindfulskatergirl. And you can

33:34

get your hands on her book, Sit Down

33:36

to Rise Up. We're going to put

33:38

the links to those as well as all

33:40

the other ways to follow Shelly in

33:42

show notes. Shelly, thank you

33:44

for eye -opening and compelling conversation.

33:47

So much good stuff in here. Thank

33:49

you so much, Nicole. I appreciate

33:51

you having me. Okay, friend, I'm going

33:53

to close us out with this.

33:55

If self -care is a truly radical

33:57

act, one that goes beyond bubble baths

33:59

and spa days, then it is

34:01

also a deeply personal and communal act

34:03

of courage and connection. It's

34:05

showing up for yourself in ways that

34:07

feel real and true, even if the

34:10

world tells you it's selfish or unnecessary.

34:12

It's walking away from the tightrope and

34:14

the circus, the constant pull

34:16

of expectations and opinions and deciding

34:18

powerfully and apologetically to care for yourself

34:20

and each other. And here's the

34:22

thing. This isn't just about you. When

34:24

you show up already cared for,

34:26

you show up better for the people

34:28

and the causes you love. You

34:31

break cycles of burnout and create space

34:33

for more joy, more energy, more

34:35

authenticity. If today's conversation with

34:37

Shelley has spurred something in you, don't

34:39

stop here. Check out episodes

34:41

223 where we talk about why

34:43

we brush off the idea of self

34:45

-care, episode 147 on getting your needs

34:48

met, or even episode 267 on

34:50

how to breathe, which, let's be real,

34:52

may be the most fundamental act

34:54

of self -care. You'll find all those

34:56

LinkedIn show notes so you can continue

34:58

exploring what this looks like in

35:00

your life. Bottom line, hear

35:03

me when I say this, self -care

35:05

isn't selfish. It isn't indulgent or

35:07

a luxury. It's necessary. It's revolutionary.

35:10

And you know I'm ready for a

35:12

revolution. How about you? You being

35:14

cared for by you and

35:16

each other might just be the

35:18

work that changes everything. And

35:20

that is women's work.