4:00

looking this way. And now, along

4:02

that wainscot, the field mouse

4:04

is trotting in the abandoned

4:06

falling apart house. And

4:09

to shake the tattered auras with

4:11

a silent motto, an auras were

4:13

tapestries, huge woven tapestries, hung on

4:15

the wall to hide an alcove.

4:18

So now that it's faded and it's woven

4:21

with a silent motto, and we

4:23

could say the motto might be death. The

4:26

ending of everything is a silent motto.

4:28

The cloth of the fabric is woven

4:30

with that. From

4:32

there, the poem shifts. The scene

4:35

changes. And now

4:37

we're going to move from the perspective of time

4:40

into the perspective of a moment of

4:42

eternity, a moment of consciousness when we're

4:44

not in sequential time. And

4:47

the scene begins

4:49

with himself again. In my

4:51

beginning is my end. Now

4:54

the light falls. And the scene is

4:56

that you're alone. In

4:58

the countryside, in an open field. Now

5:02

the light falls across the open

5:04

field, leaving the deep

5:06

lane shuttered with branches dark in

5:08

the afternoon, where you

5:11

lean against a bank while a van passes.

5:14

And the deep lane insists on

5:16

the direction into the village and

5:18

the electric heat hypnotized. In

5:20

a warm haze, the sultry

5:22

light is absorbed, not refracted

5:25

by gravestone. So now we're

5:27

coming to the moment of consciousness in which

5:29

we're not in time. Remember, Bert

5:31

Norton, Mrs. Waytue. But

5:34

instead of it being a moment under the

5:37

grape arbor as it starts to rain, or

5:39

you're in a drafty church at Smokefall, now

5:42

the scene is that you're

5:44

there in an open field, leaving

5:47

the deep lane shuttered with branches.

5:49

So there's like little lane. There's

5:51

overarching trees shuttered the deep lane,

5:55

where you lean against a bank. You're all alone, and

5:57

you're leaning up against a bank, and

5:59

a van passes. And the

6:01

band is passing and it's just in the

6:03

direction into the village, the electric heat or

6:05

hot things are happening. And

6:08

all those people having a big night in town, they're

6:10

all going to be dead eventually, too. And

6:12

the buildings are dancing and they're all going to

6:15

be crumbled. Everything this way. Into

6:17

the village, into the electric heat, hypnotized

6:19

in a warm haze, the sultry light

6:22

is absorbed, not refracted by the gray

6:24

stone. The

6:26

dahlias weep in the empty silence and

6:28

they wait for the early owl. And

6:31

look, the dahlias are bright colored flowers

6:33

that grow in Mexico through South America.

6:36

And I hate this image about plants. So

6:39

now at the moment of consciousness, you're alone out

6:41

in the country, in this field. And

6:44

there's these dahlias, the van goes by, you're all

6:46

alone now and it's quiet. So here's

6:48

the image that came to my mind. It

6:51

came to me once, say, imagine that

6:53

you're alone in the middle

6:56

of the night and you're

6:58

dying and you know that

7:00

you're dying. And you turn to

7:02

look at the flowers on the windowsill, silhouetted

7:05

in the moonlight. They seem to know all

7:07

about it. So there's a

7:09

way of being all alone in the middle of a

7:11

forest, in the middle of nature, the

7:14

flowers, the primordial life of plants.

7:17

And somehow you drop down into the

7:19

primordial life of the flowers

7:21

and the plants. And

7:23

they're sleeping in the empty silence. See,

7:26

there's no content. They're

7:28

silent asleep, waiting for the

7:30

early owl to come, to start

7:32

the beginnings of the night. In

7:35

that open field, namely, that field, the field

7:37

that you're in when you're about to have

7:39

this experience of being conscious and leaving time.

7:44

In that open field, if you do not

7:46

come too close, if

7:48

you do not come too close on a

7:50

summer midnight, you can hear the

7:52

music of the weak pipe in the little drum

7:55

and see them dancing around the bonfire.

7:58

The association of man and woman,

8:01

and dancing, signifying

8:03

matrimony, a dignified

8:05

and commodious sacrament, two

8:07

and two, necessary conjunction, holding each

8:10

other by the hand or the

8:12

arm, which betoken as

8:14

concord, round and round the

8:16

fire, leaping through the flames

8:18

or joined in circles, rustically

8:21

solemn or in rustic laughter, lifting

8:24

heavy feet in clumsy shoes,

8:27

earth feet, lone feet, repeated

8:29

in country mirth, mirth of

8:31

those long scents under earth, nourishing

8:34

the corn, keeping

8:36

time, keeping the rhythm in their

8:38

dancing, as in their living, in

8:40

the living seasons, the

8:42

time of the seasons and the

8:44

constellations, so the constellations are reference

8:46

to the stars, the timelessness of

8:48

the constellation of the stars overhead,

8:51

the time of milking and the time

8:53

of harvest, the time of coupling of

8:55

man and woman and that of beast,

8:58

feet rising and falling, eating and

9:00

drinking, dung and death. I like

9:02

to reflect on this. Poetically

9:06

see, especially in the letter where this poem

9:08

is headed this way, so

9:11

you're in a field and you

9:13

look out across this empty field. I

9:16

had this image once when I

9:18

was, Maureen and I, we used to have a therapy office

9:21

and we were going together three days a week and

9:24

one day I went in alone for

9:26

the fourth day and there was a cemetery on

9:28

the way to the therapy office, an

9:31

old cemetery and I would stop at that cemetery

9:34

and sit on a bench there and I would

9:36

be struck by the fact I'd look out at

9:38

all the tombstones this way and

9:40

realize the six feet under the ground were all

9:42

those coffins and

9:45

the thing about it is they were all empty,

9:47

no one was in there, the remains

9:49

of their body was in there but

9:51

the shine in their eyes, the sound of their

9:53

voice, the one that you loved and loved you

9:56

because we're all eternal. It

10:00

isn't just that all those who

10:02

were in time and across the veil of

10:05

death are now in the eternity of God,

10:07

which they are. But here's

10:09

another way of looking at it. It

10:12

isn't just that we're eternal, but the

10:14

daily rhythms of our life are

10:17

eternal. So the

10:19

rhythms of your life, like getting up in the

10:22

morning and going to bed at night and preparing

10:24

your meals and sitting and taking

10:26

a walk, God knows all

10:29

those rhythms and God never forgets. And

10:32

so the primordial rhythms of the daily

10:34

life, they're also eternal in God. Not

10:37

only are those

10:39

who have died not dead, but the

10:41

rhythms of their daily life is

10:43

not over because it's never over. If

10:45

you don't get too close, if

10:48

you don't get too close, you can see

10:50

the eternality that never passes away and all

10:52

the rituals of the day that are endlessly

10:54

passing away. He's inviting us to

10:57

have this kind of poetic sensitivity to

10:59

this, about ourselves, to dawn

11:03

points and another day

11:05

prepares for heat and silence. It's all going to

11:07

start again tomorrow, the next day, the next day,

11:10

it goes on and on and on. Out

11:13

at sea, the dawn wind

11:15

wrinkles and slides. So out

11:17

in the middle of the ocean, no one's there. The wind

11:19

is moving, the water is back and forth. He's

11:22

sliding back and forth in the wind. I

11:25

am here, I'm there or elsewhere

11:27

in my beginning. So

11:30

in my beginning, I'm all-pervasively present

11:33

and the analyst is falling away of

11:35

the eternality of what never falls away

11:38

this way. And he's trying to help

11:40

us go into a meditative consciousness where

11:43

we're not subject to linear time, to

11:45

be sensitive to the spirituality of our

11:48

lives. Because our

11:50

life on this earth and our

11:52

bodily being is a temporary arrangement. We're

11:54

not here for very long, really, but

11:57

in the deep down depths of things.

12:00

is the endlessness of ourself. So

12:03

that when we were born, our life did

12:05

not begin we were born. It's when we

12:07

appeared out of the

12:09

eternality of God's heart. And when

12:11

we die, we're not annihilated. We vanish

12:13

away in time, but everything is forever.

12:16

And here we're trying to be meditatively sensitive

12:18

to this. Roman

12:22

numeral two. I'm gonna

12:24

skip it the very first part because what

12:27

he does is this. He tries

12:29

in a very condensed way to explain

12:31

this. Like

12:34

let me tease it apart and define it and

12:36

break it down. And then he says about his

12:38

ability to explain what he's saying. Like

12:41

make this clear. He says,

12:43

that was one way of putting it,

12:46

not very satisfactory. A

12:48

paraphrastic study of worn

12:50

out poetical fashion. Leaving

12:53

one still with the intolerable wrestle with

12:56

words and meanings. The

12:58

poetry does not matter. It's

13:01

futile in other words, it's not

13:03

explainable. It's not definable, but

13:05

it's intimately realizable by

13:08

entering into consciousness in a meditative state

13:11

to the interior truth of

13:13

the divinity of our lives and our

13:15

nothingness without God. The

13:17

poetry does not matter. It

13:20

was not to start again, but one

13:22

had expected. So when

13:24

you started the poem, the poems ended up being what

13:27

you didn't expect it to be. It always takes as

13:29

a pricing, like life. What

13:32

was to be the value of

13:34

the long looked forward to, long

13:38

hoped for calm, the

13:40

autumnal serenity and

13:42

the wisdom of age? I

13:45

wanna skip down about five lines to

13:47

the sentence. It says, there

13:49

is, it seems to me at best,

13:52

only a limited value in

13:54

the knowledge derived from experience. I'd

13:57

like to reflect on this. talking

14:00

about the elders and the

14:02

age who claim wisdom over the years and the

14:04

relative value of that. Here's what

14:06

I think the insight is. When

14:09

we go through life, we internalize

14:11

experiences. The

14:13

experiences form a pattern. Those

14:16

patterns form the assentive horizon by

14:18

which we interpret future things. And

14:21

there's a relative truth to that. There

14:23

really is. But the very

14:25

fact, their patterns formed in time,

14:27

they're a relative value because they're

14:30

finite. And

14:32

if you stop there in linear

14:34

time with limited thoughts and patterns,

14:36

you don't fall into the boundarylessness

14:39

of the consciousness of eternity that

14:41

transcends time. I

14:43

like that there's one poet who said, I write

14:45

my poems for lovers in their beds all over

14:47

the world who don't give a damn about my

14:49

poetry. He said, hey, he doesn't give a damn

14:51

about his poem because it doesn't

14:53

matter. But the poem is bearing witness

14:56

to something that matters more than words

14:58

can say and embodies that Alexio and

15:00

trying to help us realize it and

15:02

live by it this way. The

15:06

knowledge imposes a pattern

15:08

and falsifies because the Buddhist and

15:11

the Thich Nhat Hanh says where

15:13

there's perception, there's deception. And a

15:15

perception is a fixed idea rather

15:18

than the flowing dow of things like

15:20

the boundarylessness of Buddha nature of the

15:22

divinity. It imposes a

15:24

knowledge. I'm going to start back again. There

15:27

is, it seems to me, at

15:29

best only a limited value in

15:31

the knowledge derived from experience. The

15:34

knowledge imposes a pattern and falsifies

15:37

for the pattern, but now

15:39

he's going to say, but in consciousness, for

15:41

the pattern is new in every moment.

15:44

Every moment, life begins all over again. Amen. See,

15:47

it's the virginal newness of now, the unforeseeability

15:50

of now when we see it with

15:52

an awakened heart. And

15:55

every moment is a new and

15:57

shocking valuation of all we have.

16:00

have been. We are

16:02

only undecieved of that which

16:04

deceiving can no longer harm.

16:06

That is, we're only undecieved,

16:09

but it can't deceive us because we no longer know

16:12

it's not true enough for us. That's

16:14

why we don't get caught up in it

16:17

this way. We see the inadequacy of internalized

16:19

assumptions and so forth. In

16:22

the middle, not only in the middle

16:24

of the way, but all

16:26

the way in the dark wood,

16:28

in a bramble, a bramble is

16:31

a marshy, phobog area, in

16:33

a bramble on the edge of

16:35

a grim, that's the swampy area,

16:37

the grimpen, excuse me, where there

16:40

is no secure foothold and

16:44

menaced by monsters, fancy

16:46

lights, risking enchantment this way.

16:48

Let's reflect on this for

16:50

a moment. There's

16:52

a lovely little scene in

16:55

Carl Jung's memories, dreams and reflections.

16:59

He's talking with Sigmund Freud. You

17:03

know, Jung broke from Freud because

17:05

Jung thought we need to have

17:07

an essentially spiritual understanding of

17:09

the interior depth dimensions of

17:11

ourself. Freud was really very

17:13

positivism. He wrote a book on the future

17:16

of an illusion. He thought religion was an

17:18

illusion and they'd break it open.

17:20

This is one of the main reasons why they

17:22

split waves. And

17:24

he was talking with Freud about

17:26

the will of the wisp and

17:29

the swampy areas in the south in the

17:31

morning, you were taking a boat very slowly

17:33

through the swamp. There's little clouds that float

17:35

about a foot or two over the water

17:37

and they're called the will of the wisp.

17:40

And he said when he told Freud about

17:42

it, Freud lost consciousness because

17:44

he was surprised by the numinous, by

17:47

the unexplainable. So we're

17:49

now in this boundary-less place

17:52

with no fixed reference points because

17:54

they're all inadequate because all fixed

17:57

reference points are no longer

17:59

served the realms that are awakening

18:01

within us, which is our ultimate destiny

18:04

in the divinity of everything. And

18:07

in the middle, I think he's referring

18:09

to Dante, the divine comedy starts out

18:11

this way, in the middle, meaning in

18:13

midlife. And also in Buddha's

18:15

in the reference to the middle way of

18:18

the Buddha, which is the way of Nirvana, in

18:20

the middle way, not only in the

18:22

middle of the way, but all the way

18:24

in a dark wood, in a bramble, at

18:26

the edge of a grimpen, where there is

18:28

no secure footing

18:31

to stand on to define or explain what's happening to

18:33

you any longer. And

18:36

menaced by monsters, fancied lights, I traveled,

18:38

there are 10,000 worlds and I travel

18:40

through them all, like

18:43

waking dreams and layers of interior realities that

18:45

rise and fall within us. Do

18:49

not let me hear of the wisdom of old

18:51

men, but rather of their folly. Insofar as they

18:53

claim for wisdom accumulated

18:56

through time, their

18:58

fear of fear. So

19:02

Jesus said, fear not, I'm with you always.

19:05

Jesus didn't say, don't be afraid, I'll personally see

19:07

to it that no scary things happen to you,

19:09

but rather no matter how scary the things might

19:11

be, don't be afraid because I'm with you in

19:13

it. And the fear

19:16

of frenzy, the fear of ecstasy, see

19:18

the fear of losing control, the fear of

19:20

the overflow of boundaries and

19:22

their fear of possession, the fear of what it would, I think

19:24

it would mean, it's a fear of

19:27

adequately and authentically claiming anything.

19:31

Or the fear of belonging to another or

19:34

to others or to God. The

19:36

only wisdom we can hope to

19:38

acquire is the wisdom of humility

19:41

and humility is endless. And

19:43

this is the descent. We're

19:46

becoming more, the rains fall from our hands,

19:48

we're becoming more and more bereft

19:51

of claiming anything anymore. Because

19:55

we're being transformed by the depth we're

19:57

falling into and it's transforming us into.

20:00

itself unexplainably forever this

20:02

way, which is the truth of our awakening heart.

20:07

The houses are all gone under the

20:09

sea. The dancers are all

20:12

gone under the hill. Next

20:15

stanza. Now we're back in death

20:17

again through time. Oh,

20:19

dark, dark, dark. They all go into

20:21

the dark, meaning death. The

20:25

vacant interstellar spaces, the vacant

20:27

into the vacant, the captains,

20:29

merchant bankers, eminent men of

20:31

letters, the generous patrons of

20:34

art, the statesmen and the

20:36

rulers, distinguished civil stirrants, chairman

20:38

of many committees. Industrial

20:42

lords and petty contractors all go

20:44

into the dark. In

20:46

dark the sun, in dark the moon, in dark

20:49

the almanac to gotha. The almanac to gotha, look

20:51

it up. It's a kind

20:53

of a history of the royalty

20:55

of Europe, different countries. And so they're

20:57

all dead too. And

21:00

the stock exchange cassette, the

21:02

directory of directors, and

21:04

cold the sense and lost

21:06

the motive of action. And

21:09

we all go with them into the

21:11

silent funeral, nobody's

21:14

funeral, for there's no one

21:16

to bury. See, the caskets are all empty.

21:18

See, there's no one to bury because nobody's dead. And

21:21

yet in their bodily life and time, they're all

21:24

gone. And we're next. We're

21:26

about ready to go too. Even

21:28

though we're about ready to go in time, we're

21:31

trying to find that even though we're in time,

21:33

we can drop down to a consciousness where we're

21:35

already living in eternity, even though we're still here.

21:38

This is mystical awakening. So

21:41

in other words, I die to the

21:43

illusion that whom I reflect

21:45

the ego is in time is even, to

21:49

be adequate to who I deep down really am and

21:51

am called to be as the beloved

21:54

of God, the deathless presence of myself.

21:57

I said to my soul, be still.

22:00

and let the dark come upon you, which

22:03

shall be the darkness of God. Saint

22:05

John of the cross, he's starting to lead into John of

22:07

the cross now. Saint John of the

22:09

cross talks about the dark night of the soul and

22:11

he says, what the dark night is. You

22:14

kind of lose your way in the spiritual

22:16

life. If your finite eyes are being blinded

22:18

by an infinite light. So

22:21

really the dark night is really the infinity

22:23

of a light your finiteness can't bear. And

22:27

that infinite light is drawing you into

22:29

itself and transforming you into itself this

22:31

way. Lovely image right here.

22:34

As in a theater, the

22:36

lights are extinguished for the scene to

22:38

be changed with a hollow rumble of

22:40

wings, with a movement

22:43

of darkness on darkness. And we know

22:45

that the hills and the trees and

22:47

the distant panorama and the bold imposing

22:49

facade are all being rolled away. In

22:52

other words, it's a lovely image you're sitting in the theater.

22:55

And at the end of the scene, it

22:57

goes pitch dark. You can hear

22:59

the stage hands rolling the scenery away, rolling the

23:02

new scenery. So when the lights come back on

23:04

again, you're in a new place, act two.

23:07

And he's saying a lot of life is like that. A

23:10

lot of life is like that. The scene that

23:12

seems so real at the time, and

23:15

it was real at the time, in the passage

23:17

of time, we fell into a darkness,

23:19

it all rolled away. And we woke up in

23:21

a different place, we don't know how we got

23:23

there. And this place that we're

23:25

now in seems so real than it is. But

23:28

it's too is also gonna get rolled away. It

23:31

goes on and on and on. That's the imagery

23:33

here this way. Or he's

23:35

gonna give another image of this. Or

23:38

as when an underground train

23:40

in the tube stops too

23:42

long between stations. And

23:45

the conversation rises and slowly fades

23:47

into silence. And

23:49

you see behind every face, the

23:52

mental epineus deepen, leaving only the

23:54

growing terror of nothing to think

23:56

about. So you're in the

23:58

subway under the ground. stops unusually

24:00

long. See, as long

24:03

as I keep thinking, I think I'll be okay. As

24:06

long as I keep reading my newspaper, I think I'm all

24:08

right. But if I just stop,

24:10

maybe if I stop to become conscious, to fall

24:12

into time, the me that thinks I'm nothing but

24:14

the me that I think I am is scared.

24:17

But actually, it's the opening into paradise. And

24:21

the collective ongoing

24:24

unconscimated longness of society is

24:26

the collective being caught up

24:28

in that. Where

24:31

when under ether, the mind is conscious

24:33

but conscious of nothing. There's

24:36

a Hindu saint who said the

24:38

dreamless, see, there's the waking mind. There

24:41

is the dreaming mind and it's

24:44

dreamless sleep. And

24:46

dreamless sleep is not the

24:48

lack of presence, it's being

24:50

present to nothing. But the

24:52

nothing is infinite. See, it isn't in

24:55

dreamless sleep, you're annihilated. It's

24:57

like a deep consciousness without an object.

25:00

I said to my soul, be still and

25:04

wait without hope for hope would be hope

25:06

for the wrong thing. Because

25:09

if you hope too soon, you

25:12

don't know what to hope for except

25:14

to perpetuate the discontent of your heart.

25:18

Like the not enoughness of everything, like you're

25:20

not yet ready for hope. For

25:23

hope would be hope for the wrong thing.

25:26

Wait without love, for love

25:28

would be love of the wrong thing. And

25:30

your confusion about even love, what does love

25:33

even mean? Like the fullness of love, of

25:36

what it really is. There

25:40

is yet faith, but the

25:42

faith and the love and the hope are

25:44

all in the waiting. It

25:46

occurs to me sometimes to put it this way,

25:49

a lot of the spiritual life is

25:51

learning not to do violence to

25:54

the fragility of our waiting. Because

25:57

the fragility of our waiting is itself the presence

25:59

of the present. of what we're waiting for. See?

26:03

It isn't like we're waiting for something

26:05

to happen, but in

26:07

the waiting is something that's already

26:09

unexplainably happening, which is this

26:11

infinite presence giving itself to you breath

26:14

by breath, heartbeat by heartbeat. Wait

26:18

without thought, for you are

26:20

not ready for thought. And this

26:22

is what deep meditation is. We saw this in the

26:24

Jesus prayer too, the Way of a Pilgrim. When

26:27

you're sitting in meditation, where there's like

26:29

breath awareness, whatever these meditative states are,

26:32

you're sitting in awareness and out of

26:35

the edges of your mind, thoughts arise

26:37

and fall away. So you're aware that

26:39

thought is arising, but to

26:41

stay in the meditative state, you do your best

26:43

not to think about the thought that's arising. Because

26:46

if you think about the thought that's arising, thought

26:48

will carry you off again and you won't be

26:50

conscious. And

26:52

yet every time it does carry you off, because

26:55

you're just a human being, you circle back around

26:57

in humility, because it keeps reminding you

27:00

of your absolute dependence on God. You

27:03

can't even be present in the present moment.

27:05

No wonder you're having trouble with everything else.

27:07

You're having a hard time being here, and

27:10

that's the problem. But when we

27:12

lay the problem bare, we see the

27:14

presence of God sustaining us and illuminating.

27:17

They were infinitely loved, and

27:19

it's infinitely present to us and our

27:21

inability to be present. And the poem

27:23

is luring us. Notice to stay with

27:25

him as Alexio. The poem

27:27

itself is helping us stay there. So

27:30

the darkness shall be the light,

27:32

and the stillness the dancing, whisper

27:34

of running streams and winter lightning,

27:37

the wild time unseen and the wild

27:39

strawberry, the laughter in the garden. Remember

27:42

the children at Burton Norton laughing in

27:44

the trees and so on. Echoed

27:47

ecstasy, not loss, but requiring,

27:49

pointing to the agony of

27:51

birth and death. You

27:53

say I'm repeating myself, I'll say it again,

27:56

and here he's gonna quote St. John of the Cross. And

27:59

I like my trans- better than I'm used to.

28:01

We did St. John the Cross

28:03

earlier in the series. This

28:05

passage in St. John the Cross is such a

28:07

lovely passage. This is

28:10

the Asenamal Carmel, Book

28:12

2, chapter 13. He said,

28:15

I want to give guidelines for entering into the

28:18

night in which the light of

28:20

God is lovelier than the dawn. Endeavor

28:24

to be inclined always, not

28:27

to the easiest but to the most difficult.

28:29

Being inclined always, not to what is easiest

28:31

to the great lie within yourself, but what's

28:34

the most difficult to the great lie within

28:36

yourself. And what's the great lie? That anything

28:38

less than an infinite union with the infinite

28:40

love of God will ever be enough to

28:42

put the restless longings of our heart. That's

28:45

the great lie. Not to

28:47

what is most delightful, but to the most

28:49

distasteful to the great lie within ourself. He

28:52

goes down to litany this way. And then he says this,

28:54

to read satisfaction in

28:56

all. This is the same chapter now,

28:59

chapter 13 of the

29:01

Asenamal Carmel, Book 2. To

29:03

read satisfaction in all, what he really

29:05

means by all is capital A-L-L, the

29:07

all of God. Present

29:10

in all things. To

29:13

read satisfaction in all, desire

29:15

satisfaction in nothing. Don't

29:18

pretend that anything no matter what it is

29:20

will ever be enough to begin to fulfill

29:23

you. Because you're the

29:25

beloved. And

29:28

to come to possess all, to

29:30

possess the all that is God,

29:32

present in all things, desire

29:35

the possession of nothing. Because

29:38

it's not for the having. Why?

29:40

It's not for the having because there's no haver.

29:43

The very you that has. If

29:45

you're even capable of finding it or losing

29:48

it, it's infinitely less than what alone will

29:50

fulfill you. It's already washing over

29:52

you and taking you to itself, unexplainably

29:54

this way. To

29:57

arrive at being all, the all that is

29:59

God. Desire to be

30:01

nothing. That is desire to be no

30:04

thing. Desire to be no

30:06

thing that can even begin to do

30:08

justice to the mystery of who you

30:10

ultimately are. Desire

30:14

to be nothing. To come to

30:16

the knowledge of all. The all of God.

30:18

Desire the knowledge of nothing. To

30:21

come to enjoy what you have not, you

30:23

must go by a way in which you enjoy not.

30:26

Namely this. Just like the

30:28

alcoholic is dying because they are addicted

30:30

to alcohol. We are addicted

30:32

to finite-ness. Because there is

30:35

no control in boundary-lessness. When

30:37

I was in the monastery once I had a nightmare. That

30:40

I was tied to a railroad track. And

30:42

a train was coming. I could feel

30:44

the ground vibrating. The train was coming.

30:47

And I woke up and my

30:49

heart was pounding. And what the nightmare was about,

30:51

when the train ran over me, I would be

30:53

size-less. Where do

30:55

I stop? Do I stop with my body? Do I

30:57

stop with the walls of this room? Or

31:00

am I boundary-less in all directions? We

31:03

are afraid to lose the control that we think that we

31:05

have over the life that we think that we are living

31:08

this way. And that is

31:10

why we need to be endlessly tender-hearted for that

31:12

in us that does not see it yet. Because

31:15

it is just the ego that can not help itself. This

31:18

way we need to be merciful and

31:20

kind to be present. Because God is infinitely in love

31:22

with that in us that does not get it yet.

31:25

This way we should be too. To

31:29

come to enjoy what you have not. You must

31:31

go by a way in which you enjoy not.

31:33

That is, the ego self does not enjoy it.

31:36

So you know, some things are very fun

31:39

and enjoyable, but superficial and

31:41

inadequate. Other things

31:43

are very arduous and extremely

31:45

fulfilling. Because they are so rich with meaning.

31:49

The truth of our self, this way. To

31:51

come to the knowledge you have not. You must go by

31:53

a way in which you know not. Like

31:55

pardon me, I do not speak English. St.

31:58

John the Cross says, God grants us some

32:01

people to understand that everything remains to

32:03

be understood. And

32:05

so really it's a deeper way to understand what

32:07

it means to understand. See

32:09

we think in the ego in time

32:12

to understand is to comprehend. I get

32:14

it. But here the deeper

32:16

way to understand like quoting Merton is to

32:18

know that we're infinitely understood and we

32:21

subsist in that. To

32:26

come to the possession you have not, you must go

32:28

by a way in which you possess not. To

32:30

come to be what you are not, you must go by a

32:32

way in which you are not. And he ends

32:34

this way. When

32:38

you delay in something, that is when you pause

32:40

to pretend that what you're in will be enough

32:43

for you. I think this will do it.

32:45

You tell flat screen TV, I think I'll be fine.

32:47

I mean whatever it is. When

32:50

you delay in something, you

32:52

cease to rush toward the all. For

32:55

to go from the all to the all,

32:57

you must deny yourself of all in all.

33:00

My sister Eckhart once says, imagine you're

33:02

sitting there and God brings before

33:04

you one at a time across the stage everything

33:07

in the whole world. And you're

33:09

waiting for the thing to come by that will fulfill

33:11

you. And a few centuries later

33:13

you say, I don't know what else you got back

33:15

there but I don't think it will do it. Because

33:17

it's a set up. God made our hearts in such

33:19

a way that nothing less than the infinity of God

33:21

will ever be enough for us. For

33:24

to go from the all to the all,

33:26

you must deny yourself of all. You don't

33:28

hate it. You don't, matter of fact you're

33:30

very grateful for it. But it's

33:32

not enough. But

33:34

once you see it's infinitely not enough,

33:36

you see God shining out of its

33:38

not enoughness. See once you

33:40

see that it's not enough, you

33:43

can see the gift of it. Like

33:45

incarnating the presence of God in a glass

33:47

of water or the furniture in the room

33:49

with the view out the window. Whatever

33:52

anything really. And

33:54

when you come to the possession of the

33:56

all, you must possess it without wanting anything.

34:00

picture that he drew in prayer. It has

34:02

a mountain going up with all these paths

34:05

going up to God, John the Cross-Dress, about

34:07

attainments and exoceses and so on. And

34:09

there's one that goes straight up and

34:12

it says, nada, nada, nada, nada, nada, nothing, nothing,

34:14

nothing. And he said, when you finally get to

34:16

the top, nada. It's

34:19

the infinite no-thing-ness that is

34:21

a reality of everything. And

34:24

we're being led into that because we're

34:26

ultimately we are that. We're

34:29

trying to be healed from what estranges us

34:31

from it. Because if you desire to have

34:33

something in all, your treasure in God is

34:35

not purely your all. In

34:37

this nakedness the Spirit finds

34:39

its quietude and rest. For

34:42

in coveting nothing, nothing

34:44

tires it by pulling it up

34:47

and nothing oppresses it by pushing

34:49

it down because it is in

34:51

the center of its humility when

34:54

it covets something by this very fact

34:56

it tires itself. Thomas

34:59

Burton once said, anytime I want

35:01

something very, very bad and I

35:03

finally get it, it burns me.

35:05

It's just one more thing that's

35:07

infinitely not enough for me. But

35:10

in the not enough-ness of everything we see

35:12

the divinity of everything. Roman

35:16

numeral four, we'll go to the next answer. Your

35:19

nug is specifically Christian. The

35:22

wounded surgeon that's Christ. The

35:25

wounded surgeon plies the steel,

35:28

the scalpel. The

35:31

wounded surgeon plies the steel

35:33

that questions the distempered part.

35:36

Beneath the bleeding hands we feel,

35:39

the sharp compassion of the healer's

35:41

art. Resolving the

35:43

enigma of the fever chart. And

35:48

so the scalpel touches

35:50

the distempered part. What's the

35:52

distempered part? The restlessness of

35:54

ourself in

35:56

coming to the brink of the fulfillment that

35:59

we long for. And

36:01

here's the image that comes to my mind now about

36:03

Jesus. The

36:05

story is that when Jesus was on the cross, one

36:08

of the thieves being executed with him said, you

36:12

know, remember me when you come into your

36:14

kingdom. Jesus didn't say,

36:16

well, it all depends. We have to check this

36:18

out. This one down the list,

36:20

I'm not so sure. You don't sneak in at the last

36:22

minute. Father, forgive them. They

36:25

know not what they do. And so

36:27

it questioned the distempered part.

36:30

The painful doubting of

36:32

the abundance of mercy taking us to itself in

36:35

the midst of our unresolved matters of our heart.

36:39

We place more confidence in

36:41

trying to measure up to something than

36:43

we do in the love that's infinitely in love with

36:46

us and our inability to live up to anything. Really,

36:49

I think. And now resolves

36:51

the enigma of the fever chart. Our

36:55

only health is the disease. See,

36:58

our only health, it's like in AA, we

37:00

have come to admit that we are

37:02

powerless over alcohol and our life has become unmanageable.

37:06

See, if you admit, you're admitted. But

37:09

to admit that you're powerless over what's

37:11

destroying you would be despair. Unless

37:13

a power greater than yourself can achieve something in you,

37:16

you're powerless to achieve. Our

37:19

only health is accepting our poverty

37:21

of spirit, our helplessness. If

37:25

we obey the dying nurse whose

37:28

constant care is not to please but

37:31

reminds us of our and Adam's curse,

37:33

the fall, trying

37:35

to be like God without God, when we

37:37

were like God because God created us in

37:40

the image and likeness of God. So the

37:42

dying nurses reminding us of Adam's curse were

37:44

hypnotized by that illusion of trying to

37:46

be real without God. And

37:49

that to be restored, our sickness must

37:51

grow worse. The whole earth

37:53

is our hospital, endowed by

37:56

the ruined millionaire, wherein

37:58

if we do well, we shall die of it. have

38:00

absolute paternal care that

38:02

will not leave us but prevent us everywhere.

38:06

It's almost as if you look back

38:08

at your life, you start

38:10

heading down different tangents. And

38:13

it ended up being a dead end. And

38:16

at the time, although it was frustrating, you

38:18

realize it forms a kind of a grace

38:20

pattern of endless

38:23

cul-de-sacs. There were a graced

38:25

arc of deliverance. It's leading you right up to

38:27

this very moment when we're listening to this poem

38:30

this way. The chill ascends

38:32

from feet to knees. The

38:35

fever sings in mental wires

38:37

to be warmed that I

38:39

must freeze in quake and

38:41

frigid, purgatorial fires, of

38:43

which the flame is roses and the

38:45

smoke is briars. And

38:48

so to myself in time, I can't bear it.

38:52

No footing anywhere, and yet how sweet it

38:54

is. Because wouldn't it

38:56

be sad if the only thing real were

38:58

things I could bear? Wouldn't

39:01

it be sad if the only thing that I could

39:03

ever understand is what I'm capable

39:05

of understanding? Think how my opic it

39:07

would be. So

39:10

there are certain things we just need to let

39:12

love burn it away in

39:14

us with tenderness and just keep

39:16

leaning into it by taking

39:18

life on life's terms as they say in A.A.,

39:22

learning to love. The dripping

39:24

blood our only drink, the bloody

39:26

flesh our only food, in spite

39:28

of which we like to think

39:30

that we are sounds of stanchal

39:32

flesh and blood. Again,

39:34

in spite of that, we call

39:36

this Friday good, Good Friday. See the

39:38

cross, the crucifix. And out of the

39:40

cross shines the eternal light of the

39:42

resurrection, which the poem is headed towards. So

39:45

now the end. So here I am in

39:47

the middle way, again, the middle way of the Buddha, the

39:50

middle way between the two wars. Here I am in

39:52

mid my own midlife. Here I am in the middle

39:54

way. Having had

39:57

20 years, 20 years largely wasted. the

40:00

years between the two wars, trying

40:03

to use words, and

40:05

every attempt is a

40:07

wholly new start, and

40:10

a different kind of failure. This

40:13

isn't it either, because

40:15

one has only learned to

40:18

get the better of words for the

40:20

thing one no longer has to say,

40:23

or the way in which one

40:25

is no longer disposed to say it.

40:29

And so each venture

40:32

is a new beginning, a

40:34

raid on the inarticulate, on

40:37

the unspeakable, with shabby

40:39

equipment always deteriorating

40:42

in the general mess of imprecision

40:44

of feelings, the awkwardness

40:46

of it all, like the clumsiness

40:48

of trying to say something. You're

40:51

saying something that you are not adequately able

40:53

to say, but if the set out of

40:55

the depth of sincerity, the one who loves

40:57

you can hear it in your voice, just

41:00

like we can hear it in his voice, for

41:03

we listen to him as the poet. And

41:07

so each venture is a new

41:10

beginning, a raid on the inarticulate,

41:12

with the shabby equipment always deteriorating

41:14

in the general mess of imprecision

41:16

of feeling, undisciplined

41:19

squads of emotion, and

41:21

what there is to conquer

41:23

by strength and submission has

41:25

already been discovered once or

41:27

twice or several times by

41:30

men whom one cannot hope

41:32

to emulate, but there is

41:34

no competition. It's

41:36

like this, look, the very thing

41:38

you're trying to say, and now we look at

41:40

all these mystics we've been studying, has already been

41:42

said by people we can't even hope to emulate

41:44

them, but there's no competition.

41:46

Why? Because spiritually, what's given to one of

41:49

us belongs to all of us. See,

41:51

there's no competition. It's the

41:53

generosity of God being poured out to all

41:56

of us. There

41:58

is only the fight. to

42:00

recover what has been lost

42:03

and found and lost again. And

42:05

it's a reference to Julianne of Norwich. She

42:07

said, I sought him and I found him

42:10

and I lost him. And I think that's

42:12

the way it should be on this earth.

42:15

See, I sought him and I found him. And

42:17

every time I lose him, it sets in motion

42:19

seeking him more, which is the path

42:21

in which we're being transformed by this love, drawing

42:24

us to it so. And

42:27

found and lost again and again. And

42:29

now under conditions that seem

42:32

unpropitious. But perhaps neither gain

42:34

nor loss. Maybe gain

42:36

or loss isn't a helpful way to look

42:38

at this. The first shall be last and

42:40

the last shall be first. It's turning everything

42:42

upside down and inside out this

42:45

way. The end of the

42:47

poem. The last stanza. Home

42:50

is where one starts from. As

42:53

we grow older, the world becomes

42:55

stranger. The pattern more

42:57

complicated of dead and

42:59

living. See all this, this

43:02

seems so clear about the dead and the living of

43:04

being alive and dead and all. Back in the good old

43:06

days when we were holy, all this seems so clear. But

43:10

for quite some time now, the

43:12

world becomes stranger, the pattern more complicated

43:14

of dead and living. Not

43:16

the intense moment isolated with no before and

43:18

after. So it isn't just the moment under

43:21

the great parper, the pause, or

43:23

alone in the field as a van passes when

43:25

you look at the dead. It isn't just these

43:27

little singularities of clarity, but

43:31

a lifetime burning in every

43:33

moment. So

43:35

that somehow even life's most

43:37

incidental moment burns with this fire

43:40

of the unexplainable divinity of standing up

43:42

and sitting down of the reality

43:44

of ourself. And not

43:46

the lifetime of one man only, but

43:49

of old stones that cannot be deciphered.

43:51

There's old stones and like the hieroglyphics

43:54

of an ancient language and in the

43:56

stones you can't decipher what the stones

43:58

are saying. You can't figure

44:00

out ability of it all this way. There

44:04

is a time for the evening under starlight,

44:06

lying out under the stars, that's true, there

44:08

is. And

44:11

a time for the evening under the lamp light in

44:13

East Coker in the city streets. The

44:17

evening with the photograph album. You

44:19

sit there quietly and you're looking back at the picture

44:21

and you look at yourself as a little baby. Are

44:24

you that person? You are,

44:26

but you're not. You look

44:29

back at your parents on their wedding day before

44:31

you even conceived or born. And their

44:33

parents are now dead and your grandparents.

44:36

There is a time to look at that, the passage

44:39

of time. You're sitting there alone in the

44:41

quiet looking at these pictures this way.

44:43

Sometimes I've had this image, you know they have

44:45

time lapse photography? So

44:47

they'll take a rose and they'll snap a frame like

44:50

once a minute, then they speed it up, regular

44:52

speed, and you see the rose but open

44:54

up like this and then all the petals fall

44:56

away. So what if on the

44:58

day you were born your picture was taken and

45:01

your picture was taken one click once a week

45:05

right up to this moment and

45:07

it's gonna be taken all the way through to the day you

45:09

die. And

45:11

then it's gonna be taken every day in

45:13

your casket or your cremated or you're in

45:15

the casket. And then they would play at

45:17

full speed. You'd watch yourself fading

45:20

away and that's what it's like. That's

45:23

what it's really like, it's over

45:25

before we know it. And yet there's

45:27

like an eternal value that cannot be

45:29

calculated, never passes away. The Buddha said,

45:32

everything made of parts falls apart

45:35

but there is that which is not made of

45:37

parts and never falls apart and

45:39

can you find it? And

45:42

that's what this, all these religious traditions

45:44

are about that. Can I discover that

45:46

which never passes away this

45:48

unfolding unexplainably and everything that's passing

45:51

away, which is a mystery myself

45:53

too is the beloved, the deathless

45:55

beloved of God. Love

45:57

is most nearly itself. When

46:00

here and now cease to matter,

46:04

old men ought to be explorers. Here

46:07

or there does not matter. We

46:10

must be still and still moving into

46:13

another intensity. You

46:15

know, I think I can right

46:18

now, or you can, or the listeners can. This

46:21

moment that I'm speaking, I'll speak for myself.

46:24

Or the moment that the listeners are listening, if they

46:26

would stop this way. In

46:28

the light of this poem, the here

46:30

or there doesn't matter, namely, this here, the

46:32

here or in right now as you're listening

46:35

to this, doesn't matter because it's already ceasing

46:37

to be. And

46:39

where you once were, you're no longer there,

46:42

and everything's passing away. Everything

46:44

is unexplainably unfolding in the boundaryless

46:46

nature of sitting here listening to

46:48

these words, which is the

46:50

prayer of our life, into another

46:52

intensity, a further union, a deeper

46:54

communion. Where's this head? What

46:56

does the future hold? I don't know, but

46:59

it'll be more of the same. The inadequacy

47:01

of everything less than a deeper union, that

47:03

I'm going to fall deeper and deeper into

47:05

the union. This is my eternal

47:08

death. Through all of eternity, I'll be falling deeper

47:10

and deeper into this communion, which is

47:12

my destiny. Through the

47:14

dark, cold, and empty desolation, the wave

47:16

cry, the wind cry, the vast waters

47:19

of the petrol and the porpoise in

47:21

my end is my beginning, and the

47:23

petrol is the oil of the ships

47:26

and the porpoise in the sea, the

47:28

fragilities of the world between the wars and

47:30

our life and so on. And that's the

47:32

poem. So let's

47:35

end this meditation by sitting together

47:37

in silent meditation. Again,

47:40

we'll sit for one minute, but on

47:42

your own at home, sit as long as you're

47:44

moved to do so. So

47:47

I invite you to sit still, sit

47:49

straight, fold your hands, and bow. And

47:53

repeat after me, be

47:56

still and know I am God. Be

48:01

still and know I am. Be

48:06

still and know. Be

48:10

still. Be.

49:30

Be still. Be

49:37

still. Be

49:44

still. Be

49:47

still. Be

49:54

still. We'll

50:00

slowly say the Lord's Prayer together. Our

50:04

Father, who art in heaven,

50:07

hallowed be thy name. Thy

50:09

kingdom come, thy will be

50:11

done, on earth as it is in

50:13

heaven. Give us

50:15

this day our daily bread, and

50:18

forgive us our trespasses, as

50:20

we forgive those who trespass against us.

50:23

And lead us not into temptation, but

50:26

deliver us from evil. Amen.

50:29

Mary, Mother of Contemplatives, pray

50:31

for us. Saint John of the Cross, pray

50:34

for us. Julianne of Norwich,

50:37

pray for us. Blessings

50:39

till next time. Thank

50:48

you for listening to this episode of Turning to

50:50

the Mystics, a podcast created

50:52

by the Center for Action and Contemplation.

50:55

We're planning to do episodes that answer your

50:58

questions. So if you

51:00

have a question, please email us

51:02

at podcasts at cac.org or

51:04

send us a voicemail. All

51:06

of this information can be found in the

51:08

show notes. We'll see you again

51:11

soon. Do

51:20

you feel called to walk a more contemplative

51:22

path? The Center for Action

51:24

and Contemplation is an

51:26

educational nonprofit supporting the journey

51:28

of inner transformation. Our

51:31

programs and resources will help

51:33

grow your consciousness, deepen your

51:36

prayer practice, and strengthen your

51:38

compassionate engagement with the world.

51:41

Learn more about our resources,

51:43

such as publications, podcasts, email

51:45

series.