0:00

Oscar and I have

0:02

been banned from Mario

0:05

Kart in my house. Go

0:07

on. April has officially banned Mario Kart.

0:09

Oscar used to come home after school,

0:12

want to play me Mario Kart, but

0:14

I kept kicking his ass. And

0:16

then I would try and be a good

0:18

winner. Would you antagonise him? Oh yeah. I

0:21

would laugh at something that happened on the

0:23

screen that wasn't even intended to do with

0:25

him. And he'd be like, don't laugh at

0:27

me. He's hating laughter. And

0:30

now we're both banned. Well,

0:32

that'll learn you. That will learn me.

0:34

So look, Oscar is taking it harder than

0:36

I am. Who

0:54

doting dads? I am Matty J. And

0:56

I'm Ash. And this is a podcast

0:58

all about parenting. It is the good.

1:00

It is the bad. And the relatable.

1:03

And if you've come for advice, shock

1:05

horror, it's not going to

1:07

happen. It's not going to

1:09

happen. Absolutely not. I've just

1:11

realised, I've been so

1:14

sore, my back has

1:16

been... You're stiff. Thank

1:18

you. And I'm not just talking about your penis. There

1:22

he is, Jess Laugh. Good start. I realised

1:24

what I did. What

1:26

was that? Go on. I am renovating

1:29

a house. You have to start this again.

1:31

At the moment, I'm renovating a house. I

1:33

thought it was finished. Renovating a

1:35

house, Ash. Tell me. It's

1:37

never finished, just abandoned. So

1:40

we were doing a bit

1:42

of landscaping. A lovely young man

1:44

named Charlie, who was helping

1:46

us out. Shirtless? No.

1:48

Very, very short

1:51

shorts. Nice. Very

1:53

short shorts. I saw him

1:55

once in normal clothing attire and

1:57

you know, nothing to gore cat. And

2:00

then he came dressed ready to

2:02

work and he had like proper like

2:04

70 shorts on. Nothing to gore

2:06

cat. Yeah. Like a lot of

2:08

a lot of thigh and I was

2:11

like. Bulge? Yeah.

2:13

Subtle. Just like not a. not

2:15

enough to be like that's off -putting

2:17

but just enough to like every

2:19

now and then the sun would

2:21

catch it it would catch the

2:23

sun and you know there's nothing

2:26

out off -putting about any size

2:28

bulge man but the whole time

2:30

ash i've been like hey if

2:32

you need a hand need a

2:34

hand i'm more than capable of

2:36

cradling and Sorry,

2:42

Jess. I hate that. Yeah, she does. She really hates

2:44

that, I can see. That's why I did it. Yeah,

2:46

no. It's good. I'm more for it. And I was

2:48

like, I will give you a hand. And he was

2:50

like, no, yeah, that's all right. And I was like,

2:52

let me help you. I need to feel like a

2:54

man. Also gets me

2:56

out of looking after the kids. Smart. Thank

2:58

you. Smart. I like it. Anything to get out

3:00

of helping. And he was like, look, we

3:02

have some road base, a little bit of road

3:05

base coming. Do you say what is road

3:07

base? A

3:10

cubic ton of it. Just a

3:12

cubic ton. And we were doing buckets

3:14

in a trailer, in the buckets,

3:16

down the side of the house. Boom.

3:19

I was like, I can help you. Where was it

3:21

going? It was going

3:23

in... Now you're asking questions,

3:25

OK? Well, you can't start a

3:27

story. It was going... OK,

3:29

there's a trim of the deck,

3:32

and it's going in base, the

3:34

trim around the deck, and then we're

3:36

having some stones on top. And I did

3:38

about six buckets. Wow. A single bucket

3:40

at a time. No, I got double. Double.

3:42

Smart. You know, part

3:45

of a part of a painter's training

3:47

just to is, you know, how heavy

3:49

those drums 20 litres are. Yeah, like

3:51

20 kilos. Well, 20 litres of paint

3:53

is more than 20 kilos. Is it?

3:55

Yeah. 20 litres of water is 20

3:57

kilos. And

3:59

paints thicker. So wouldn't it be heavy? Lots

4:03

to think about. A lot to think about.

4:05

They started to carry two at once. Evened out

4:07

the way. Better for your back. Smart.

4:10

Smart boy. Thank you. Well, I was just following

4:12

what Charlie was doing. So his name's Charlie. name

4:14

was Charlie. Shout out to Charlie. Shout out to

4:16

Charlie. And his bulge. And his bulge. Doing a

4:18

great job. Charlie, sorry if I'm being inappropriate here.

4:20

You're very handsome. Very handsome.

4:23

But I've done a couple buckets. I did

4:25

maybe half an hour of like buckets

4:28

and pouring. And then Lord was like, you've

4:30

got to take the kids. And I've

4:32

woken up this morning and I'm like, oh,

4:34

I feel like I've been like compressed.

4:36

My spine. Maybe you have.

4:38

It's heavy, man. Jesus. How do these

4:40

boys do that all day? Muscle

4:42

memory. It becomes muscle memory, right? They

4:45

work on it. You're just like,

4:47

it's like going into a gym, a

4:49

bodybuilder's gym, you, and then

4:51

them saying to you, right, come over here

4:53

and lift this. What they would usually lift.

4:55

And then you waking up the next day,

4:57

no wonder you saw. I did

5:00

do, um, I don't know. Tell me

5:02

if, as someone who has spent a

5:04

lot of time on site as a

5:06

accomplished, accomplished painter, what are you accomplished?

5:08

Not so much. What do you call

5:10

someone who's finished their trade that you're

5:12

a qualified painter. Yeah. Okay. So he

5:14

had two buckets and he was like

5:16

shoveling it off the back of the

5:19

tray into the buckets. And,

5:21

uh, there's a number of buckets there on the

5:23

floor and I went to grab two. And I

5:25

said, all right, man, just put one more shovel

5:27

in this one here. Yeah. He

5:29

didn't like it. Swinging your dick around

5:31

like that. Nice. You're

5:33

like, come here. He comes to my fucking trunk. Fill

5:36

up this bucket to the brim, you

5:38

little bitch. And then I was like five

5:40

steps away from being like, oh, it's

5:42

just too heavy. He was shoveling and then

5:44

carrying, I'm guessing. So he's

5:46

done both. Yeah, he's done both. And you're just

5:48

like, top it off for his big filler. Yeah.

5:50

Yeah. Hey, last week I told

5:52

a story. about

5:55

something I broke as a child. Oh,

5:58

yes. And we are lucky enough. Sorry.

6:00

Fucking sorry. No, that's all right. You get

6:03

a lot on your plate. You tell

6:05

a lot of stories. It's hard to keep

6:07

up. Well, I'll just shut my mouth.

6:09

No, you're just like in a good way.

6:11

You're like a never -ending pick of amazing

6:13

stories. Thank you. And you've got a

6:15

lot on your plate. I don't see why

6:17

you understand it. You forgot. You're not

6:20

renovating. For those who are unaware. It

6:22

was the car door. So

6:25

I inadverted speech.

6:28

I was blamed for something

6:30

that happened, which was the

6:32

door ripping off on the

6:34

poor side of the fence. But

6:37

my sister blamed me

6:39

for our whole childhood

6:41

until she did finally

6:44

admit when we were

6:46

teenagers that it was her that

6:48

actually left the door open which led

6:50

to it being ripped off. Now

6:52

we are lucky enough to have my

6:54

sister who's willing to take questions

6:56

from you Matt about said incident. So

6:58

what we'll do is we'll give

7:00

her a quick call. Please. And

7:03

we will ask her to defend herself.

7:05

Her side of the story. She's

7:09

not gonna answer it now. Oh well, someone's

7:11

got cold feet. She knows the

7:14

truth. You there? For

7:17

those listening, my sister's name is

7:19

Beth. If I refer to Beth, that's

7:21

who I am referring to. Okay.

7:23

It's just a fucking Jesus. Beth,

7:25

sorry to put you through this painful phone

7:27

call. Okay, now. Can I just say, Beth,

7:29

if you would like to, you may have

7:31

a lawyer present for this phone call. Anything

7:33

you say or do will be held against

7:36

you and possibly used in court. I

7:38

understand, yeah. Have you practiced that line? No, I

7:40

just watch a lot of Law and Order. All

7:44

right, Beth, I want

7:47

you to give us your

7:49

version of the story. The

7:52

poor side of the fan. I want to make

7:54

you all like exposing our family as poor. I

7:56

just feel poor. Never put those two things together.

7:58

Yeah, you must have just felt poor. We lived

8:00

in a, we lived in a spestos riddled house.

8:02

I bet you was like a marble fence and

8:04

Ash was like, oh, it was horrible. I lived

8:06

next door as some Italians. It

8:08

was a concrete fence. We

8:11

have a statue of baby Jesus

8:13

at the front. Yeah, obviously, like

8:15

it's quite a memorable moment in

8:17

our family and Remember being a

8:19

really big deal because the car

8:21

had electric windows And he says

8:23

he's cool Because there was just

8:25

all these electronics that had to

8:27

get fixed as well as just

8:29

the door This was 28 years

8:32

ago. We're talking about I can't

8:34

really remember the specifics, but I

8:36

do remember it yet being assumed

8:38

that Austin left the door open.

8:40

Just obviously went along with that. Like, I

8:42

don't want to take a blame for, you

8:44

know, a couple of thousand dollars worth of

8:46

damage to your dad's favorite car. Only

8:49

car. He kind of

8:51

took it on the chin. Who, me? He

8:53

just kept, yeah. Like,

8:55

you, I feel like

8:58

you didn't deny it. I was

9:00

like four years old. I

9:02

barely talked. I just went along with it. I think I

9:04

just had to cop it because I was the youngest. You

9:06

were... You know, the showman

9:08

of the siblings. And

9:10

I think you just enjoyed being the

9:13

center of attention of these stories. I was

9:15

just like, he's fine with it. I

9:17

wasn't fine with it, obviously. Beth

9:19

has made her the victim here, which I

9:21

like. Living in

9:23

the shadows of Ash Wicks, which

9:25

must have been very difficult. Exactly.

9:27

You understand where I come from.

9:29

What was the moment which led

9:31

to you owning up? to the

9:33

incident you can't get in trouble

9:35

now ten years later yeah it

9:37

is a rule once once you

9:39

hit a decade it's a clean

9:41

slate exactly and i know ashton's

9:44

taken the blame for this but

9:46

i'm pretty sure i did it

9:48

very good very good i appreciate

9:50

being blamed for so long i'm

9:52

so glad that now I

9:55

know, my therapist has heard about this story many

9:57

a time. Is this the final page though of

9:59

the story? Are we now putting this to bed

10:01

finally after? No. Oh, ash is

10:03

a... I think the time... Oh, no.

10:06

No, I think Mum did call me

10:08

about it. It continues. It continues.

10:10

Yes. I feel like once I've spoken

10:12

to Mum about it. I

10:14

wouldn't want to take it to my deathbed. I

10:17

appreciate that. And

10:19

we appreciate you being on the podcast, Beth,

10:21

and owning up. Also, happy

10:23

birthday. Thank you. How old are

10:26

you? 37. 37. Well, congratulations. You

10:28

don't look a day over 20. Oh,

10:31

thank you. Stop creeping on

10:33

my sister, dude. All right. All right. Thanks,

10:35

Beth. It'll still come up with my therapist, but

10:37

I appreciate you owning up to it. There

10:39

we have it. Strafing the horses now, babe. we

10:41

have it. Wow. Can I just pull you

10:43

up on one thing? You are there.

10:46

You know, those celebrities, like I

10:48

think Pink is one who's, she's been

10:50

outed. for not being poor, but she

10:52

pretended to be poor, to be more

10:54

relatable. Are you essentially the podcast version

10:57

of Pink? You're like, we were so

10:59

poor. And then she's like, then the

11:01

Bentley was so badly damaged that we

11:03

didn't even get to drive it for

11:05

a whole two weeks. Electric windows. Oh,

11:07

you're so poor. It was a

11:10

rental, fire bro asbestos house that

11:12

my dad felt, oh no, I'm

11:14

just having a flashback. Oh, fuck, what is it

11:16

now? Oh, my dad fell through the asbestos roof

11:18

when he was trying to fix the antenna so

11:20

that we could get reception. And I remember coming

11:22

out of my bedroom and it happened and all

11:25

I could see were his legs flailing about through

11:27

the ceiling. We

11:29

should have asked that story. I

11:31

can't believe anything you say, because,

11:34

like, really, show me a photo of that

11:36

Oh, find a photo. It was like a

11:38

three -story beachfront mansion on the Gold Coast. And

11:40

Ash was like, we could barely have any

11:42

food. We had baked beans for Christmas. Please.

11:45

Yes, we did. Please. And you're always having

11:47

to go at me. I tell you right now,

11:49

all of the servants had to have baked

11:51

beans. Moving

11:54

on. Easter hat parade.

11:57

Blame. Did you go?

12:00

Did Oscar do one for school? Yeah, he did.

12:02

Did you go? Yeah. It was

12:04

so lame. There is nothing more special,

12:06

Ash, than looking at the face

12:08

of your child as they lock eyes

12:10

with you and they realise that

12:12

one of the most beloved family members,

12:16

Parent is in the crowd cheering them

12:18

on Oscar does this thing where he

12:20

doesn't look at anyone He just looks

12:22

at the ground. He knows we're there.

12:25

You didn't get away if you didn't

12:27

get nothing special Nah, he had a

12:29

pretty cool. He did his hat with

12:31

his buddy. They did it together look

12:33

pretty good Did two laps of the

12:35

oval to make your school and like

12:37

in making them endure endurance lengths childhood

12:39

obesity is not a joke man, and

12:42

they did 24 laps of the oval And

12:45

now they're all athletes. But yeah, look,

12:47

it was a 50 minutes long parade.

12:49

Yeah. How many, how many years did

12:51

they do at your school? All of

12:53

it. Every year. Yeah. That's a felt

12:55

like a 100 grades. Could you not

12:57

make it? Because obviously Oscar being kind

12:59

of stuck with kind of you could

13:01

you then be lying out of that?

13:03

Or did you have to hang around?

13:05

He was the first class to go

13:07

and I looked at April like, yes,

13:09

let's get out of here. And then

13:11

she was crying. I'm

13:13

such a crier. I'll let her cry.

13:16

Did you cry at Cross Country? Yeah,

13:18

dude. Emotions are good to experience. Are

13:20

they? Yeah. And then, yeah, then we

13:22

had to sit there the whole time.

13:24

Why don't you guys get out of

13:26

there? They would have seen us.

13:28

Oh, he has to go sit back down with

13:30

his class. It's all about in

13:32

one. I don't want to throw my

13:34

sister under the bus here because she's a

13:36

very good parent, one of the best.

13:38

We all know that. Oh, yeah. Kate, if

13:41

you're listening. She loves a podcast. She

13:43

was like, ah, the Easter hat parade.

13:46

Don't even bother. And

13:48

I was like, what do you mean?

13:50

And she's like, it's a non -event at

13:52

school. So I was like, OK,

13:55

fine. Don't have to tell me

13:57

twice. Not to go to an event. And

13:59

my sister is someone who would attend swimming

14:01

carnivals, cross country. She attends them all. She's

14:03

the parent that goes. She is the going

14:05

parent. And so I was

14:07

thinking, well, if she's not going to attend, if

14:09

it's not. important enough for my

14:11

sister, I'm

14:13

not going to go. Yeah, why would you? As

14:15

soon as you get the opportunity for an out of

14:17

one of these things, you're not going to question

14:20

it. So she's never been to one of these separates

14:22

at the school that we now attend with Marley.

14:24

Okay. And Marley was like, hey, who's

14:26

coming to the Easter hat parade? Or I think

14:28

I was like, hey, Marley's the heads up this

14:30

Friday, the Easter hat parade. We're not coming. No

14:32

one's going to come and watch you. No one

14:34

hear that? No. We

14:38

do love you now that I

14:40

think about it. It was big news

14:42

for her to digest. Yeah, she

14:44

was in tears I Couldn't attend Laura

14:46

couldn't attend. No. Yeah, okay, and

14:48

she did have a beautiful hat that

14:51

we made but my was hysterical

14:53

and then Nana thank heavens said I

14:55

can attend Oh Ellie just like

14:57

night and shining armor. Yeah, the backbone

14:59

of this family She is she

15:01

really is I keep like waving my

15:03

left arm. She's she's not here.

15:05

That's her quarters But

15:08

thankfully, she attended. And

15:10

this is like... The event was

15:12

a big deal. Why was it

15:14

a big deal? My sister was

15:17

like, it's nothing. You get like

15:19

30 seconds, you have one cookwave

15:21

and you get out of there.

15:24

It was like a full -on... They only

15:26

do the first three years of school.

15:28

The older kids don't do it. Every

15:30

parent was there. The kids do

15:33

the Easter hat parade. They do

15:35

a whole class choreography. Choreography?

15:38

Choreography. Chore! Huh! Choreo...

15:41

That is a weird word. It is a weird word. Yeah,

15:43

thank you. Choreography. It's not easy.

15:45

This thing... I feel like I'm saying it wrong.

15:48

Choreography. Choreography. Choreography.

15:52

It was massive. Huge event.

15:55

What was the dance? Uh,

15:57

chicken dance. I was gonna say, we

15:59

also did the chick... Well, not me,

16:01

but they also did the chicken dance. It's

16:03

a classic. It's a banger. It's

16:06

a classic. And I had other parents messaging me

16:08

going, hey, you know the Easter hat parades

16:10

on today. And I was like, yeah, I know

16:12

that you're missing the chicken dance. It

16:14

was great. My my Nana said it

16:16

was one of the best Easter hat parades

16:18

she's ever attended. She's having you on

16:20

for sure. She's definitely laying the boot in

16:22

because it probably was good. But to

16:24

be like, oh, you know, and it's like,

16:26

oh, you know, like how was last

16:28

night and you want to just like rub

16:30

it in? It was a non event.

16:32

It was nothing. It was the best night

16:34

of my life. It was the best

16:36

parade I've ever been to. That's what she

16:38

said. She's a liar. No, I believe

16:41

her. I believe her. And it was like

16:43

the look on Mali's face. She sent

16:45

me the video and just Mali as she

16:47

looked up and realized that Nana was

16:49

there. Oh, I should have that. One of

16:51

the family members. The backbone. The backbone.

16:53

The night. The night. Was there. I

16:57

thought you were going to say something. No, I

16:59

wasn't. The night was there. Yeah, yeah. So you would

17:01

have loved that. You got it on camera? I

17:03

don't want to. We got footage? I can't share the

17:05

footage because Mali's the school uniform. We can't share.

17:07

We can't share the school. I know. It's like the...

17:09

And there's also other kids there as well. It's

17:11

like whenever I take Macy to swimming, I was like,

17:13

get a photo. I'm like, OK, yeah. A fully

17:15

grown man taking photo of kids in their bathing suits.

17:17

That's going to look real fucking good. Again,

17:21

I'm attacking my sister here, making me feel

17:23

better about myself. It was... daughters

17:25

of the sons last year because

17:27

next year he won't do these

17:29

type of raid. Oh, yeah. She

17:31

cried. My sister? Yeah. Nah,

17:34

she's having a fucking great time. She's at the

17:36

beach. Oh, okay. That's right. She didn't even go.

17:38

I had to go. I didn't juror. I

17:41

just mentioned swimming lessons. I

17:43

take Macie every Thursday. Do you

17:45

still take your girls still go? I've

17:48

got an arrangement now on Friday

17:50

mornings, Ash, where my sister takes... her

17:52

child and takes Lola. Oh, can

17:54

she take Macy too? Just swimming lessons.

17:56

Yeah, load her up, she's fine.

17:58

The problem is with these swimming lessons,

18:00

they're indoor usually. Your one's indoor,

18:02

your one's indoor. It's so

18:04

hot in there. It's

18:07

muggy. Yeah, now it's nice.

18:09

I'm walking into a microclimate. It's

18:11

like raining. I'm walking in there and

18:13

there's a cloud and it's raining. Is

18:16

yours a chlorinated pool? Yeah.

18:18

What's the type of, it's like,

18:20

Epsalts? Ours is like

18:22

a type of Oh, it's gonna make me

18:24

sound like an Epsolt. A Bondi wanker.

18:26

Epsolt. Is that, yeah. Elsa's

18:28

actually champagne. I

18:33

just, I should have stopped myself. Yeah, you

18:35

should have. Yeah. That's okay. I'll stop you. Stop.

18:37

Come on. Swimming lesson. She's

18:39

amazing. She has started to, she's all

18:41

of a sudden from not wanting to

18:43

put her head under whatsoever. She's a

18:45

very mouth open swimmer. She's like, having

18:48

a great time. And she, And that

18:50

causes a lot of water to go

18:52

and be ingested, as you can imagine.

18:54

But all of a sudden, she's decided

18:56

that she wants to shut her mouth,

18:58

hold her breath and go into water

19:00

and swim on her own, which is

19:03

when you watch it and you're like,

19:05

huh? All of a sudden, which is

19:07

great, except there's in the class, there's

19:09

a couple of kids, like say three,

19:11

four kids, depending. I'm not sure what

19:13

the capacity is. And

19:16

when they're doing their individual swims,

19:18

the other ones sit on the step.

19:21

And you would hope they sit

19:23

on the step nicely. But

19:25

Macy is a bit of a daredevil

19:27

now that she can swim on her own.

19:29

So she's just started taking off when

19:31

the other kids being attended to, just putting

19:34

her head under and taking off under

19:36

the water. It's

19:38

good to see that confidence, but

19:41

at the same time, these kids are fucking dumb. She

19:43

had to get rescued. I'm

19:47

not, I'm like 20 or 30 meters away. You

19:49

have to, you know how you have to sit. We're

19:51

all the parents. Yeah. Cause you're the creepy guy

19:53

taking photos of all the kids. I

19:55

was under the water. You're in

19:57

the back corner caged. With

20:00

my big camera.

20:03

And why do they make you sit 20

20:05

meters away? It's not. It's the other end

20:07

of the pool. And you want to, can't

20:10

you sit next to where your child's swimming?

20:12

Well, it is directly in line. There's no

20:14

obstruction. But she was at that

20:16

end of the pool. You're there on the straight through

20:18

the fence. Anyway, I'm

20:21

sitting there and I saw her

20:23

like leap off the submerge step. And

20:25

I thought, oh, here we go.

20:27

And just to see what would happen.

20:30

And she sunk like a stone.

20:32

And then she started to like swim.

20:34

And one of the instructors walking

20:36

past just leans over, reaches in, grabs

20:38

her and just had to pull

20:40

her straight out. she was like. Having

20:43

a great time, but like every time

20:45

the teacher turns he's back now. It's

20:47

got to be stressful for a teacher.

20:49

Yeah. Yeah. And I can hear him

20:51

saying to her, don't go when it's

20:53

not your turn. Don't go to just

20:55

stay right here. But she's not. No

20:57

one tells Macy what to do. Exactly.

21:00

Right. And she was like, fuck you.

21:02

Fuck you. And she's just straight into

21:04

the deep end. And it's like,

21:06

it's become like 30 minutes of

21:09

like just nerve wracking. Will

21:11

Macy make it out? Yeah, I'm

21:13

like, fuck, I'm excited. I'm

21:15

turned up in a lifeguard shirt, just

21:17

waiting, waiting for it to sink

21:19

to the bottom. But the fact is

21:21

that walk instructors walking past had to stop

21:23

because the other guy was right at

21:25

the other end. It was like, for fuck's

21:27

sake, Macy, just Lola Lola at the

21:29

beach. Fuck, it's annoying. So

21:32

annoying. And there's always a new

21:34

problem with kids, you know, every week,

21:36

you know, for example, like. We

21:38

hit the milestone of Lola not being

21:40

in nappies. Fucking great. Celebrate that

21:42

win, absolutely. But then at the same

21:44

time that happens, she's also

21:46

then a bit like Macy, become confident

21:48

in the water, and we're at

21:50

the beach, and she wants to swim

21:52

out, like, beyond the point where

21:55

she's, like, touching the sand. That's pretty

21:57

cool. And, yeah, but she can't

21:59

swim. Oh, fuck. Yeah, so she's like,

22:01

she goes, swims out, sinks,

22:04

I then save her, and she's like...

22:06

do you think you're doing? I

22:09

remember, actually, I remember her from the

22:11

cruise last year. Yeah. Wait, she's like,

22:13

she can't swim, but she also doesn't want

22:15

your help. Dude, if I touch her,

22:17

she's like, get your fucking fingers off me

22:20

and put me back down. And I'm

22:22

like, you were at the bottom of

22:24

the pool. Yeah. And she's like, I know

22:26

what I'm doing. So

22:28

then I let her sink. The resilience. I

22:30

wait. 10 seconds goes by and

22:32

I'm like, I got to lift her back up.

22:34

And she's like, I said. Unhand

22:36

me! She's just on the bottom of

22:38

the ocean floor. Dude, I'm like, do

22:40

I just let her drown once? Just

22:43

one time. Like a supervised drowning. Just

22:45

to like... I would endorse that.

22:47

Just to like let her know that

22:49

like, hey... You could die. I'm

22:51

saving your life here. It's kind of

22:53

like when my kids have zero

22:55

road sense. And I'm like, do

22:57

you understand if that car hits you, you're

23:00

gone? Oh yeah, I do. Do

23:02

we do a controlled... Hit and run.

23:04

Hit and run. I think... We

23:06

should start a business. Can we go...

23:08

The Easter show's on. Can we

23:10

go to the Dodgeham cars and just

23:12

give her a little tap, a

23:14

love tap? Yeah. Not going to break

23:16

a bone. I was thinking about

23:18

hitting her with my car, but okay.

23:21

We could put like a couple of cushions on

23:23

the front of the car. Yeah, it'd be

23:25

fine. Control. You don't want to break a femur,

23:27

but you do want them to be on

23:29

the backside and have a cry. Yeah, just a

23:31

little... They don't understand these

23:34

things can kill you. Once again,

23:36

just for legal reasons. Don't

23:38

take anything that we say

23:40

as advice. Controlled death attempts.

23:42

Yeah, it's like controlled crying. But

23:45

it's just like controlled hit and

23:48

run. Yeah, exactly. I

23:50

think we've nailed this. I think we've gone

23:52

a bit off topic there. My kids, whenever they're

23:54

at the beach and they get hit with

23:56

a wave, all of a sudden hate the beach

23:58

for now on. Actually. Just really quickly. Yeah.

24:01

Just really quickly before we go into a new

24:03

segment. Yes. Really. Because we do have a

24:05

new segment. I did make a

24:07

promise to Jess that this would be a

24:09

quick episode slash segment. We always promise

24:11

that. We never do. Lola hates having sand

24:13

on her feet at the beach. Oh,

24:15

she's like she washes her feet

24:17

and the sand along the edge of

24:19

like where the water is. The

24:21

sand is hard. So she's fine. Takes

24:23

four more steps away from the

24:25

water. She gets sand on her feet

24:27

and she's like, oh my God. You

24:30

walk through the sand. It's like, Macy hates it

24:32

on her hands. So I've got to, when we

24:34

get to the beach, I've got to go fill

24:36

a bucket up with water so that every time

24:39

she does anything in the sand, she's got to

24:41

go make sure. Just like, it's never ending. It's

24:43

never ending. Sorry. Hey, actually, we have a segment.

24:46

We do. Have a new segment. Okay. I

24:48

can't pronounce it properly. Do you want to

24:50

say what it is? Pair rant. Just

24:53

like amazing work from you. I've got to

24:55

give credit when credit is due because you came

24:57

up with the name. Pretty much instantaneous. Just

24:59

like just came to you. It just popped into

25:01

your head. You like on the floor you

25:03

came to and you're like, oh, what did I

25:05

just say? And I was like, just name

25:07

the segment. And you're like, I don't recall. Very

25:10

good. Thank you. Very

25:12

good. It's about parents having

25:14

rants. Yes. Love that. Or

25:17

rants. Rants. Rants.

25:19

Okay. We normally for a segment. we

25:21

have a song that we sing.

25:24

Have you done one without me? No.

25:26

I would never dream of that. Okay.

25:28

You know, if I'm going to sing

25:30

a song, I'm going to sing it

25:32

with you. That's actually one

25:35

of the nicest things I've I'm just going to

25:37

play you. You've obviously brought the name to the

25:39

table. I'm like, I got to bring something good

25:41

because I haven't even thought about the song. So

25:43

I think I'm just going to play the chorus

25:45

and then I'll tell you what I'm thinking for

25:47

words. I'm listening. I was driving in the car

25:49

by myself and I thought. But

25:51

what is a song that can work? And

25:53

then it came to me, just popped into my

25:55

head a little like your vision that you had.

25:58

Just came to me. Okay, I'm just gonna play

26:00

you the song. Ready? You

26:03

don't like parenting. You

26:07

don't like parenting.

26:10

If you're annoyed, give

26:12

us your parents. Okay,

26:14

we can make that work. I like it. You

26:17

don't like parenting. parenting.

26:24

This me. This

26:26

is a parent rant. That

26:28

work? Okay. You

26:31

don't like parenting. We could definitely

26:33

do it. We'll get the instrumental. Just

26:35

tell me you're

26:37

a parent. Yeah.

26:39

You got it right then. Maybe you should sing

26:42

it every time. Perrant.

26:44

I can't. I can't. This is your

26:46

parent. Okay. we

26:48

go. I like it. Do we want to put it

26:50

to the vote? Do you want to let the listeners choose?

26:52

Yes. I mean, you're on board.

26:54

I'm on board. on board. I mean, we

26:56

care so much about what the listeners think.

26:59

alone like parenting. Yo,

27:01

kids are parking. Yes,

27:04

I can swear. Kids

27:06

are so annoying. Tell

27:09

us your parent. Tell us

27:11

your parent. Parent

27:13

is anything that is just making

27:15

you a little bit frustrated in

27:17

the world of parenting. Well, there's

27:19

a lot. There's a lot. Yeah,

27:21

that's why this segment's so good. Any

27:23

examples? Just give us an example. See, we

27:25

talked about, we did it on stories,

27:28

you know, daylight savings is a nightmare. Oh,

27:30

yes. It's only an hour difference, but

27:32

it completely disrupts the schedule, the sleep schedule

27:34

of your kids. It pretty much jet

27:36

lags your kids. A nightmare. One

27:38

hour, and it's like, fuck me. A

27:40

nightmare. I mean, at the moment, I'm

27:42

getting really annoyed with dinner. My kids

27:44

don't eat anything. Oh, yeah, mine don't.

27:46

Yeah, I've given up. Yeah, I've given

27:48

up. There we go. So that's just

27:50

a little like... They're starving. Essentially. They're

27:52

about marriage now. Your brain's lubricated for

27:54

more potential parents. Parents, sorry.

27:56

Parents. Yeah, I've got one here.

27:58

Kate, go. This one is from

28:01

Kate. Hi, Kate. And hello, Kate.

28:03

She says, it's frustrating. that school

28:05

kids get 20 weeks of holidays

28:07

while parents only get four weeks

28:09

of leave. How does

28:11

this make sense for the average

28:13

household? Well, it's very simple.

28:15

You get paid for that leave. You

28:18

can take as much leave if you

28:20

want if you don't get paid for

28:22

it. But I get you, it's frustrating.

28:24

It's a lot of weeks, 20 weeks

28:27

of the year. You're siding with corporations

28:29

here, which I didn't expect. Big business.

28:31

Yeah, I'm all about big business. Look,

28:34

we're in and around election time, all

28:36

about big business. And then when the

28:38

election's over, back to small business. I

28:41

think it is, sorry, plain foot is under the

28:43

table. It is very nice.

28:45

I remember working in the

28:47

office. This is before I

28:49

was doing podcasting. Working

28:51

a nine to five if you will

28:53

save this was last week when I

28:55

worked at an office Okay, but I

28:58

remember people would bring their kids into

29:00

the office. Oh, how annoying and I

29:02

didn't mind they just sat in the

29:04

corner on an iPad That generation that's

29:06

called bad parenting that generation of parents

29:08

who are you know like ten years

29:10

older than us Yeah, they're just like

29:12

let the iPad do the work. Yeah,

29:15

and they're also just like I've got

29:17

I've got a job to do, like,

29:19

what else do you do with them?

29:21

But I always thought, like, what is,

29:23

why do they do that? Because there's

29:25

just too many weeks. And the care

29:27

is expensive. Do we say, do

29:30

we say that we should scale back school

29:32

holidays? Yeah, they'll send them all year, no break.

29:34

Let's just see what the burnout looks like

29:36

then. Actually, just on that,

29:38

did your kids get any, like, end of term

29:40

burnout, do you think? Nah. I'm a

29:42

burnt right out. To a crisp?

29:44

Yeah. Charcoal. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

29:46

I'm still trying to bring him back.

29:48

Oscar was looking dark. He was. That's racist.

29:51

Yeah, look, at too many weeks, I totally

29:53

agree. I've always said that unless you're

29:56

a teacher and you're like, yeah, yeah. And

29:58

you get like, fuck the teachers. Oh,

30:00

joking. Take that out. Do

30:02

I have one? OK, Maddie,

30:04

I'm going to try and send this over

30:06

a voice message because it's a lot easier. But

30:09

first of all, love your podcast. Before

30:13

we continue, she said,

30:15

Maddie, Love your podcast.

30:18

What about me? also

30:21

mine. Did she said love the podcast? No.

30:24

Did she? Well, I was speaking

30:26

to her. Oh, I speak to

30:28

the fans, Ash. I invest time

30:30

and energy. I'm not sure if

30:32

your girls went through the same

30:34

thing. My daughter, Indie, she's 18

30:36

months old and she's going through

30:38

this period of hating her nappy

30:40

being changed. It is the most

30:43

annoying, chaotic, stressful job

30:45

of the day. In addition to that,

30:47

doing number twos, she always chooses

30:49

the most inconvenient time. It's like straight

30:51

after bath time or just before

30:53

daycare. The stress that goes through my

30:55

body, trying to get it to

30:57

stay still while I'm trying to wipe

30:59

poo is disgusting and just not

31:01

a vibe. I love how she says.

31:03

Just no vibe. It's not a

31:05

vibe. I don't think there's a vibe

31:07

changing in Api other than this

31:09

shit stinks. No, I don't think anyone's

31:11

changed in Api and gone, oh,

31:13

that was great. Yeah, that was the

31:15

vibe. The vibes were high. Sometimes,

31:17

although I gotta say, sometimes when I'm

31:19

still wiping Lola's bum when she

31:21

does a number two and it's a

31:23

clean wipe and I'm like, I'll

31:25

wipe that. That was great.

31:28

That was good. Vibes

31:30

were high. But yeah, I

31:33

do remember the old stage of They're

31:35

not wanting to change the nappy. Every

31:37

now and then Macy still wants to

31:39

poo in a nappy. Pin them down.

31:42

Wow. Okay. And a gentle and loving

31:44

way. Okay, did you ever have

31:46

a stage where you would put them

31:49

to bed? And they'd shit.

31:51

And they would shit. They'd fall asleep for an

31:53

hour and they would wake up with a

31:55

shit. Oh, Macy still does that. Like, that's just,

31:57

come on, that's not fair. It's not. And

31:59

do you know what? We don't deserve that. I,

32:01

do you know what? And you don't know,

32:03

the ones that are, sorry, let me get this

32:05

out. The ones that are worse, the ones

32:07

you don't know, they've done it until you like,

32:10

maybe go and check on them. You're like,

32:12

wow, fucking stinks in there. And they've been, and

32:14

they share a room. So they're stewing in

32:16

shit. Shut the door. It's like that game operation

32:18

where you've got to try and change the

32:20

nappy with that wake in the morning. And

32:23

you're in there like, good, scalpel. Call

32:27

it. She's

32:29

gone. She's gone. Call it. It's

32:31

like, I always do. I

32:34

always go to April. It's two man

32:36

job, two man job. And then

32:38

she'll lead the way in and I'll

32:40

disappear. And she has to do

32:42

it on her own. Hey, let's

32:44

go into listener questions. Yes. Let's

32:47

do that. Can I start this one

32:49

off? This one is from Libby. Libby.

32:52

She wants to know. What

32:54

are our favourite kids songs? None.

32:58

No, there are some that you vibe to, for

33:00

sure. I get that. I get it. Do

33:02

you want me to start? Please, go number three.

33:04

Matt, this is going to trigger a lot

33:06

of people because it's widely known as a song

33:09

that everyone hates. But I actually

33:11

vibe off it. It's called

33:13

Baby Shark. Yuck.

33:17

See? Yuck. No, I don't even

33:20

know. I vibe. I get it. Me

33:22

and Macy. We're fucking actions.

33:24

It's got like billions of

33:26

years. I know. I know.

33:28

You're so much better than that. I

33:30

know, but it just, I That's

33:32

basic. I'm a basic

33:34

bitch. That's... Okay. What's

33:36

your number three then? Number

33:39

three. Kids love it. It's

33:41

called Poobum Poobum by Poopyman. That

33:50

fucking slaps. Can

33:53

you send me that please? I'm

33:55

not doing enough research. It's a

33:57

great song. That is good gear.

34:00

And now I feel stupid. Yeah. Yeah.

34:02

Baby shark. Oh, I was just like, this

34:04

is what I vibe to Macy with, okay?

34:06

Yeah, dude. After we've just had

34:08

a 20 -minute conversation about princesses and unicorns, then

34:10

we hit some baby shark, really finish off the

34:12

night. Laura hates that song. No, no, also hates

34:15

song. It's like a treat if I get to

34:17

listen to it in the car. The poo song?

34:19

Yeah. I think that's a banger. That's

34:21

going on in my gym playlist. the toilet.

34:24

Number two, what do you got? Again,

34:27

I'm going to trigger some people here. Let

34:29

it go. I'm

34:31

frozen. Macy and I

34:33

built that. It is a

34:35

banger. I honestly love

34:37

that song. This is

34:39

honesty. I'm being honest. I

34:43

regret asking this question. Why? I

34:45

just thought you'd have more spice.

34:48

We are. To be honest, a

34:50

lot of the time in the car,

34:52

we're listening. That's bad parenting from you. We

34:54

listen to things like... What else? Limp

34:56

biscuit? Drake? Drake at

34:58

the moment for the kids is really

35:00

good. Too much swearing. Paul Kelly? No,

35:02

no. Don't try and defend yourself. That's

35:05

your number two. My number two is...

35:07

Go. What does the fox say? Oh,

35:09

yeah? What does the fox say? Great

35:13

song. It's just got a bit

35:15

of baby shark vibe about it

35:17

though. Don't even dare try and

35:19

make that comparison. What does

35:21

the fox say? It's high energy. a

35:23

Friday Arvo banger. It's slaps. Pick the

35:26

kids up. Should we Drop that.

35:28

What does the fox say? That one?

35:30

What does a fox say? That's

35:33

a wolf. I apologize.

35:35

No, you're animals. What's

35:37

your number one?

35:39

Number one. Look,

35:42

is called Ratlin Bogg

35:44

by the Wiggles. Oh,

35:47

yes. of wisdom. Yes. Very

35:49

good. That is very good. I

35:54

get around that. I fuck with that.

35:56

Sure. What do you got? What's your

35:59

number one? Because obviously, my list sucks

36:01

compared to yours. Diver City,

36:03

KLP. We had it on a few weeks

36:05

ago. Oh, yes. This song, Weekend Baby. Tuna

36:08

Salad. It's the Weekend, baby. Fastly

36:10

out for juice, bruh. There

36:15

we go. It's the Weekend, baby.

36:17

Yeah, the YC Kids raving out of

36:19

that. You're welcome. Your question. What's

36:21

the longest you've gone, Matthew, without washing

36:23

your kids? I

36:25

think two days, two nights. That's all

36:27

right. Yeah. I don't have a problem with

36:30

that. And the reason for it, me

36:32

just justify my behavior. OK, I don't think

36:34

it is just fine, but yeah, Lola

36:36

had scraped in it. She's falling over a

36:38

lot at the moment. Clumsy. Very clumsy.

36:40

The Crocs are just no good for her.

36:42

You gave me so much shit. I

36:44

did. I did. For not putting my kids

36:47

in Crocs because they I said they

36:49

she trips over and now you you've backtracked.

36:51

I apologize. Thank you. You were right.

36:53

I was wrong. Apology accepted.

36:55

But Lola is tripping over. fucking

36:58

every little pebble. Is she just moving

37:00

too fast? I don't know dude. I don't

37:02

know. I don't know if she gets tired. It's

37:05

just she just literally falls over after

37:07

five o 'clock. It's it's just like

37:09

it's not a matter of when no

37:11

it's not a matter of it's not

37:13

a matter of if it's when she

37:16

falls over and every time she falls

37:18

over she loves wearing skirts, skirts. She

37:21

keeps grazing her knee and when she grazes her knee

37:23

It doesn't matter the size of the graze. She won't put

37:25

water on it. She won't want to get in the

37:27

bath. She can't walk. It like

37:29

paralyzes her. Band -aid. Band -aid. It was a band

37:31

-aid. So yeah, not in there. Here's a hint

37:33

for you. Here's a little tip, little trick. Because

37:35

I know what you mean when kids get a

37:37

graze, they don't want to put even water. It

37:39

stings as soon as they put it in. I get

37:41

that. Put a flannel on it before they get

37:43

in. A flannel? Yeah, like a wet flannel. So

37:45

Oscar, when he's got a graze knee, I put

37:47

a flannel on his knee as he gets in

37:49

the bath. a flannel, like a shirt flannel. No,

37:51

like a little square, like a washcloth. A washcloth.

37:53

Flannel, whatever. Over it. And when they're in

37:55

the bath, they go, that'll protect it. And because

37:58

they're so dumb, they're like, oh. Very

38:00

good. Gotcha. Very good. Yeah. What's the longest you've gone

38:02

with that? What's been your kids? How

38:04

many weeks? How long

38:06

were we in Bali last? Like

38:09

a full wash. We're pretty

38:11

much in Bali, not a single

38:13

bath was had in three

38:15

weeks. Outdoor shower?

38:17

Yeah. Wash. Wash just

38:19

wash cloth because I didn't want to drink

38:21

in the bathwater because it would make him

38:23

sick. Okay. Oh, there we go. I was

38:25

about to say you're a bad parent, but

38:27

you're saving their lives. Don't judge me. I'll

38:30

always judge you. Um, yeah. Three weeks. That's.

38:32

Thank you. That's very impressive. Is that a

38:34

record? That's a record. Except for homeless people.

38:36

And yes, shout out to the homeless because

38:38

they'll be listening. They'll

38:40

have mobile phones now. They

38:42

do actually. Moving on. Oh,

38:46

yeah, I think that's a good question. That's a

38:48

very good question. If anyone can beat three weeks,

38:50

we're not going to judge. We're

38:52

not going to dob you into child

38:54

services or are we? Three

38:56

weeks, great effort. Holidays, the

38:59

rules go out the window. Yeah, I think. And

39:02

it rightly so, because we got back

39:04

and put him in the bath because they

39:06

stunk. Poor

39:13

people sitting next to you on that jet -style

39:15

flight. No, they all smell

39:17

like that when they're on jet -style flight. If

39:20

you have any questions, a

39:22

pair of rant, or

39:24

maybe you just want to give us some feedback,

39:27

which we would love. Send it

39:29

through to us. Who would love that? Not

39:31

me. Pretend like

39:33

you don't. I can't handle it.

39:35

I can't handle it. You can hit

39:37

us up. Hello at 2dotingdads.com or

39:39

on social media. At 2dotingdads

39:41

on Instagram, TikTok as well, also

39:43

the Facebook. And if you're

39:46

listening to this podcast and you

39:48

don't subscribe to us on

39:50

Spotify or Apple Podcast, I

39:52

don't want to get angry. I don't

39:54

want to raise my voice at you,

39:56

but God's sake. What are you doing?

39:58

It's disappointing, isn't it? Just really disappointing

40:01

behaviour. just stop right now jump out

40:03

subscribe, and Ash and I

40:05

would appreciate it as much as we appreciate

40:07

the kids eating all the dinner. That's

40:10

top level appreciation. That's and that's

40:12

what we're willing to give. Also, t

40:14

-shirts. We have a fresh crate. Yes.

40:16

The t -shirts. of the white ones.

40:18

Lavin is sold out. Sorry Lav

40:21

sold straight out immediately. Okay, Like hotcakes.

40:23

you guys love the lab. suggest

40:25

another color. Yes, if you want another

40:27

color Also, can I just throw

40:29

this? Baby blue. Keeping

40:31

on the baby train. People

40:33

say, can you do sizes for kids? No.

40:40

We'll think about it and we'll see

40:42

you guys next week. Happy Easter. Bye. Oli,

40:51

stop what doing.

40:53

I'm Macy, my dad

40:55

to S. He

40:58

talked a lot. good Say

41:00

bye, Jess. Bye, Jess. To Two

41:02

Doting dance podcast acknowledges the

41:04

traditional custodians of country throughout and

41:06

connections to land sea and

41:08

community We pay our respects to

41:10

their elders past and present

41:12

and extend that respect to all

41:14

Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander

41:16

peoples today