0:00

If you've been feeling overwhelmed by the

0:02

news and politics right now, you're not

0:04

alone. I've been hearing from so many

0:06

followers and listeners about this and I've been

0:08

hearing from my own brain about it too.

0:10

So today I want to talk about one

0:13

of the sneakiest most pernicious beliefs that I

0:15

see showing up in some of the messages

0:17

I'm getting and also again in my own

0:19

brain. It's something that is super easy

0:21

to miss. It sort of blends into the

0:24

background, but it impacts everything else you think

0:26

and do when it comes to dealing

0:28

with crisis. So whether it's geopolitical crisis

0:30

in the world or a personal

0:32

crisis in your life, this episode

0:35

is crucial. This episode is on the

0:37

short side. I'm still recovering from a head

0:39

cold and I don't want to hack up

0:41

along on the podcast, but I also want

0:43

to give you fair warning that I get

0:45

pretty blunt in this episode. It's short,

0:47

but it is to the point in powerful.

0:50

Tough love is coming up. You have been

0:52

warned. Welcome to Un-Fuck Your Brain.

0:54

I'm your host, Kara Lowenthal, Master

0:56

Certified Coach, and founder of the

0:58

School of New Feminist Thought. I'm

1:00

here to help you turn down

1:02

your anxiety, turn up your

1:05

confidence, and create a life on

1:07

your own terms, one that you're

1:09

truly excited to live. Let's go. So

1:13

last week I posted a Q&A

1:15

box on Instagram asking folks what

1:18

they needed help with when it

1:20

came to mindset, thoughts, and feelings

1:22

around our current political and global

1:24

situation. And I got some answers

1:26

I expected, like how to handle stress,

1:28

how to handle anxiety, how to handle

1:30

panic, how to handle anger, how to

1:32

hold on to optimism or hope or

1:35

positivity. So I'm going to address all

1:37

of those in a new series, which

1:39

will be sharing on the podcast and

1:41

on social media. And we're going to

1:43

kick that off in a few weeks as soon

1:45

as I can create everything for you.

1:47

But I also got a lot of messages

1:49

that said things like, what should I do? Who

1:51

can I trust? What media do you think I

1:54

should follow? What organizations do you think I should

1:56

donate to? I don't know what to do or

1:58

where to start. What do you think? And

2:00

when I responded to some of these

2:02

with general guidance, like find a cause

2:05

you care about and join an organization

2:07

that's working on it or donate to

2:09

something you care about, right? Or make

2:11

phone calls to your representatives. I got

2:14

follow-ups that were asking me things like,

2:16

well, but like how much should I

2:18

donate or what organizations do you donate

2:20

or what organizations do you donate? And

2:23

they seem innocuous, right? They seem like

2:25

well-intentioned, innocent questions. And I think they

2:27

are well-intentioned. There's like no bad intentions

2:29

here from anyone. But here's what's interesting

2:32

about this to me. I'm a life

2:34

coach. At this point in my life,

2:36

I'm not a grassroots activist. I've never

2:38

been a news reporter or a producer

2:40

at all. And I don't think there's

2:43

anything wrong with consulting someone who has

2:45

expertise, of course, but I think it's

2:47

striking how much we've been socialized as

2:49

women to think that we need someone

2:52

else to tell us what to do

2:54

and how to respond to life, and

2:56

how that leads us to take someone

2:58

who we look up to or has

3:01

been helpful to us in one area

3:03

and like want them to deliver all

3:05

the answers to us for our whole

3:07

lives. And I think that's because of

3:10

how we're socialized. All we hear constantly

3:12

is that women are not fit to

3:14

lead, that we are irrational, that we

3:16

are emotional, right, that we are not

3:19

leaders. And some of us have been

3:21

able to overcome that enough to believe

3:23

and follow other women, but not ourselves.

3:25

I mean, we're living right now through

3:28

having a secretary of defense who thinks

3:30

women should not be in combat and

3:32

trans people should not be in the

3:34

military at all. Obviously, the military is

3:37

not the only place that people display

3:39

leadership. My point is just that these

3:41

beliefs about women that we aren't made

3:43

for times of crisis, that we aren't

3:46

leaders, that we are especially not like

3:48

political leaders, that we need other people

3:50

to explain things to us or take

3:52

care of us, or that we can't

3:55

figure out what to do in difficult

3:57

times. Like that is all programmed into

3:59

us and it's not fringe. Like those

4:01

are big culture. and social beliefs. I

4:04

mean this is a human problem overall,

4:06

obviously anxiety and stress make us all

4:08

think less clearly and run around frantic

4:10

or shut down, but we have this

4:13

additional layer of socialization that has us

4:15

looking outside of ourselves for answers for

4:17

the right thing and looking for emotional

4:19

safety by figuring out the right thing

4:22

and having someone else tell us the

4:24

right thing. This is really detrimental to

4:26

us in times of crisis and in

4:28

just regular life. because it makes us

4:31

think that we need someone else to

4:33

tell us what to think or what

4:35

we can do or how to take

4:37

care of ourselves. This is a learned

4:39

helplessness in which we outsource using our

4:42

own creativity, intellect, discernment, or critical thinking

4:44

to figure things out. And that is

4:46

catastrophic for our agency autonomy and self-efficacy,

4:48

which is self-efficacy is loosely defined as

4:51

feeling like your actions matter and have

4:53

impact in your own life and in

4:55

the world. What we need in times

4:57

of crisis, personal or political, is to

5:00

feel empowered to figure shit out. We

5:02

need to believe we can take care

5:04

of ourselves and our loved ones. We

5:06

need to believe that we can figure

5:09

out how to be of service. We

5:11

need to believe that we can trust

5:13

ourselves to make decisions and be resourceful

5:15

and figure it out when shit goes

5:18

wrong. I cannot stress enough how damaging

5:20

it is in a time of crisis.

5:22

It's even dangerous sometimes to tell yourself

5:24

that you just need someone else to

5:27

tell you what's going on or tell

5:29

you what to do or tell you

5:31

who to believe or tell you who

5:33

you can trust or tell you who

5:36

you can follow or tell you who

5:38

you should obey. Because that will have

5:40

you wallowing an indecision in paralysis waiting

5:42

around to feel sure about what's happening

5:45

or what you should do. And in

5:47

times of crisis, personal or political, there

5:49

is no certainty coming until it's much

5:51

too fucking late. When you are certain

5:54

of what has happened, it's now over.

5:56

All of the decision points up until

5:58

that point, you would not have been

6:00

sure. about what was going to happen

6:03

and you would have needed to make

6:05

decisions anyway. And believing that you need

6:07

someone else to tell you what to

6:09

do, what to think, who to follow,

6:12

who to believe, how to engage. It's

6:14

not great for your life in regular

6:16

times. It has you outsourcing all of

6:18

your power to circumstances or other people.

6:21

And when it comes to living in

6:23

a geopolitical reality where you or your

6:25

family or friends may be at risk

6:27

for your health, your economic security, or

6:30

even your life, you absolutely have to

6:32

trust yourself to figure things out, make

6:34

decisions, even take some risks in trying

6:36

to navigate these times. It's not just

6:38

about trusting yourself to get absolutely right.

6:41

It's about trusting yourself to figure things

6:43

out, try things out, adapt and pivot,

6:45

and keep going. And this is the

6:47

most... What's the right phrase, hot take

6:50

part of this episode? But when I

6:52

posted something about this on social media,

6:54

somebody commented and said, like, you know,

6:56

I agree, but like, you have to

6:59

remember, some people might be having a

7:01

trauma response, and that's why they can't

7:03

figure things out for themselves, and that's

7:05

why they're asking. And I care deeply

7:08

that you were having a trauma response

7:10

on a personal level, if that's what's

7:12

happening, of course. Circumstances don't care about

7:14

that, in the sense that even if...

7:17

There are psychological reasons that this is

7:19

your thought pattern or that this is

7:21

what's happening in your nervous system. If

7:23

you want to be able to take

7:26

care of yourself, you're going to have

7:28

to believe that you are someone who

7:30

can take action, figure things out, and

7:32

rely on yourself even when you're triggered,

7:35

even when it's really hard, even when

7:37

something traumatic is happening. But when you

7:39

are in it, when you are having

7:41

to make... important decisions about how you're

7:44

going to navigate a time of crisis,

7:46

I just want you to imagine what

7:48

happens if on the one hand you

7:50

believe because of my past experiences or

7:53

because of my trauma or because of

7:55

being triggered, I react with freeze. I

7:57

can't figure things out. I need someone

7:59

else to tell me what to do.

8:02

I'm not able to work through this.

8:04

Or what is it going to be

8:06

like if your belief is, this is

8:08

really hard and it might even be

8:11

harder for me than other people because

8:13

of the things I've experienced or the

8:15

way my brain works. And I don't

8:17

have another option. I still have to

8:20

try to figure out what to do.

8:22

I still have to trust myself, believe

8:24

that even if I'm experiencing symptoms of

8:26

something, I can still. try to take

8:29

care of myself. I have like coached

8:31

so many women through this outside of

8:33

times of political crisis. The story you

8:35

tell about your background, about your history,

8:37

about your trauma, about your PTSD symptoms,

8:40

the story you tell about those things

8:42

and what they mean for your life

8:44

and your abilities and your self-trust are

8:46

incredibly important. So I know it's easier

8:49

said than done to just trust yourself.

8:51

So I'm going to give you specific

8:53

pointers on how you can develop. some

8:55

self-efficacy, some self-responsibility, some self-empowerment after the

8:58

short break. If you've been wanting to

9:00

learn to coach yourself, you've been self-coaching

9:02

curious for a while, you've wanted to

9:04

work with me, but you get overwhelmed

9:07

when you think about joining a membership

9:09

and you worry about whether you'll follow

9:11

through and whether you'll be able to

9:13

make time for the work, then I've

9:16

got the thing for you because I'm

9:18

going to teach you my core self-coaching

9:20

method in one all-day intensive workshop on

9:22

Sunday March 2nd. One day with me.

9:25

I'm going to teach you the method,

9:27

I'm going to answer questions, I'm going

9:29

to coach some of you live, it

9:31

is interactive, you're going to practice, and

9:34

by the end of the day, you

9:36

are going to understand your brain in

9:38

a whole different way. You can go

9:40

to unfuck your brain.com/coach yourself to secure

9:43

your spot or text your email to

9:45

plus one, three, four, nine, one, seven,

9:47

eight, four, and the code word is

9:49

coach yourself, two words. And of course,

9:52

if you can't make it, but you

9:54

can't make it, but you register, but

9:56

you register, but you register, we will

9:58

send you a replay. but I encourage

10:01

you to show up in person because

10:03

everyone who does gets a free gift

10:05

from me. I'll see you there. All right

10:07

my friends so that was my soapbox

10:09

and I want to give you some

10:12

actual specific little examples

10:14

of how to do this. So I

10:16

got a lot of people asking me

10:18

what news sources are credible that I

10:20

should follow. You are able to figure

10:22

this out for yourself. I really

10:24

believe in you. I know you can. You are

10:27

able to... Google, pick a news story,

10:29

pick a topic, Google it, read four

10:31

different pieces on it. Go look for

10:33

a conservative take and a liberal take. See

10:35

what they say. See what makes sense to

10:37

you. Like, apply logic in your brain

10:40

to what you're reading. See what some of

10:42

them leave out and some of them have in.

10:44

Read some international news and

10:46

international perspective on what's going

10:49

on at home. If we're talking about

10:51

a personal crisis, get perspective

10:53

from different people in your life,

10:55

on what's happening. on what's going

10:57

on with you. People who you know

11:00

won't just agree with whatever you're

11:02

saying. Trust that you can use your

11:04

brain and critical thinking to

11:06

assimilate different types of information

11:09

and decide what to believe. Don't

11:11

tell yourself that you can't know who

11:13

to trust, you don't know who's telling the

11:16

truth, you don't know what to believe.

11:18

You have to decide when it comes

11:20

to picking a cause to support. Do

11:22

the research really you will feel better

11:24

like that's the thing It's like we

11:26

think we'll feel better if someone just

11:28

tells us what to do But that

11:31

doesn't make us feel better what will

11:33

make you feel empowered and build your

11:35

ability to make Decisions in your own

11:37

life and to take care of yourself

11:39

is to take some small actions now

11:41

Pick a cause that you

11:43

care about maybe it's environmental.

11:45

Maybe it's abortion rights. Maybe

11:47

it is governmental integrity whatever

11:49

it is Again, we have the internet,

11:51

research, and pick an organization that

11:54

looks like it matches your values and seems

11:56

to do work you care about and sign

11:58

yourself up to make a... recurring donation.

12:00

Look for a volunteer opportunity in

12:02

your area and just go show

12:04

up and put your body to

12:06

work to help someone less fortunate

12:08

than yourself. Fleshed out what might

12:10

happen in your own life based

12:13

on what's going on and come

12:15

up with different ideas for what

12:17

you might do to deal with

12:19

them. The way that we build

12:21

the trust that we can handle

12:23

something going wrong in a catastrophic

12:25

radical way is to handle small

12:27

things in the meantime. and practicing

12:29

the thoughts that support this. A

12:31

place that I see a lot

12:33

of people kind of spiraling is

12:35

that they are trying to come

12:37

up with like different plans based

12:39

on what might happen, but because

12:41

their brain of course can't know

12:43

what will happen for sure, it

12:45

never feels settled. This is what

12:47

my brain wants to do. So

12:49

the thought that I've been practicing

12:51

is I'm taking steps to prepare

12:54

to protect myself and my family,

12:56

right? I'm coming from a history

12:58

of Jews who were... killed in

13:00

many conflicts throughout the last two

13:02

millennia from, you know, a family

13:04

that lost people in the Holocaust,

13:06

like my brain always goes to

13:08

the worst possible place of what

13:10

might happen in political regimes. But

13:12

what my brain wants to tell

13:14

me is, oh my God, you

13:16

don't know what's going to happen,

13:18

what if you don't make the

13:20

right decision, what if you don't

13:22

figure it out in time, maybe

13:24

you need to do this, maybe

13:26

you do that, and that is

13:28

not helpful, right? What's helpful is

13:30

deciding on concrete actions I'm going

13:33

to take. making some plans for

13:35

what seems feasible, and then practicing

13:37

my belief that I'm taking steps

13:39

to prepare for what might happen

13:41

now, and I believe that I

13:43

can figure it out. If it

13:45

comes down to it, I believe

13:47

I will figure out what to

13:49

do to the best of my

13:51

ability. I still can't control circumstances,

13:53

right? You can make all the

13:55

best decisions you can make, and

13:57

circumstances may still not turn out

13:59

the way you want, but you

14:01

will feel empowered. and like you

14:03

were with yourself through that experience

14:05

if you commit to believing that

14:07

you can understand what's happening, you

14:09

can decide what to do, you

14:12

can trust yourself to make decisions.

14:14

This is the same through line.

14:16

I tell you from like coaching

14:18

people about whether they need to

14:20

leave the country. It is believing

14:22

in yourself to evaluate what's happening

14:24

around you, use your brain. Think

14:26

it through and decide what to

14:28

do. Not to make the right

14:30

decision and know it's right. That

14:32

can't be your standard. Right? It

14:34

is about deciding what are your

14:36

values, what are your priorities, what

14:38

are your priorities, what is your

14:40

best guess about what's going on,

14:42

and then what kind of actions

14:44

are you going to take, but

14:46

most importantly, how are you going

14:48

to think about yourself through that

14:50

process? Are you going to think

14:53

of yourself as someone who is

14:55

overwhelmed, doesn't know what's happening? and

14:57

who's constantly scanning to find someone

14:59

to tell them what to do,

15:01

or are you going to think

15:03

of yourself as someone who is

15:05

resourceful, who is resilient, who can

15:07

decide what to do, who does

15:09

know how to, you know, find

15:11

and process and synthesize information, are

15:13

you going to see yourself as

15:15

someone who can lead yourself and

15:17

potentially your family through this experience?

15:19

You get to decide whether to

15:21

believe that. In a personal crisis,

15:23

in a geopolitical crisis, in both.

15:25

What is your story about who

15:27

you are in a crisis? That

15:29

is going to determine so much

15:32

about your experience and your outcomes.

15:34

It doesn't determine all of it.

15:36

Again, we don't control circumstances, but

15:38

it does determine how you navigate

15:40

them. So I really recommend that

15:42

you stop looking and scrolling for

15:44

someone to tell you what to

15:46

do, tell you how bad it

15:48

is or isn't, tell you what

15:50

to think about it, and you

15:52

just decide for yourself. What you're

15:54

gonna think I'm not saying don't

15:56

educate yourself Trust and believe that

15:58

you can take an information, synthesize

16:00

it, make a decision. Trust and

16:02

believe that you can figure out

16:04

something to do to contribute to

16:06

the world that you want to

16:08

create. Trust yourself to believe that

16:11

you can prepare for the unknown,

16:13

but also that you can rely

16:15

on yourself when the unknown happens

16:17

to figure out what to do.

16:19

The more you believe that you

16:21

are effective in that way, the

16:23

more effective you will be. the

16:25

more empowered you're going to feel

16:27

no matter what's happening around you,

16:29

and then the calmer you're going

16:31

to be able to feel as

16:33

well. If you need support in

16:35

changing these thoughts, then I want

16:37

you to consider coming to join

16:39

us for how to coach yourself.

16:41

It's a full day workshop that

16:43

I am teaching on Sunday, March

16:45

2nd, and it's literally how to

16:47

coach yourself because right now that

16:50

is what everybody needs more than

16:52

ever is to know how to

16:54

coach themselves. How do you change

16:56

your thoughts? How do you change

16:58

those thoughts of like overwhelm and

17:00

stress and panic and despair? Not

17:02

into thoughts of like rainbows and

17:04

unicorns, but into thoughts of dogged,

17:06

gritty, resilience and hope. Right? I'm

17:08

going to be teaching how to

17:10

coach yourself. You can use it

17:12

on anything in your life, but

17:14

I know a lot of y'all

17:16

need to be using it on

17:18

this. If you want to get

17:20

the link to join or find

17:22

out more, text your email to

17:24

plus one, three, four, seven, nine,

17:26

seven, eight, four, and the code

17:28

word is coach yourself, two words,

17:31

or you go to unfuck your

17:33

brain.com,/coach yourself, all one word, and

17:35

we'll send you all of the

17:37

information. So text your email to

17:39

plus one, three, four, four, three,

17:41

four, three, four, three, three, four,

17:43

three, three, three, four, three, three,

17:45

three, three, Code word is coach

17:47

yourself, two words, or visit unfuck

17:49

your brain.com,/coach yourself, all one word,

17:51

and we'll send you all the

17:53

details. Come spend the day with

17:55

me, learn how to coach yourself,

17:57

learn how to actually change the

17:59

thoughts in your brain, because right

18:01

now, we all need to have.

18:03

control of our minds more than

18:05

ever when everything outside of us

18:07

seems to be spiraling out of

18:10

control. If you're loving what you're

18:12

learning on the podcast, you have

18:14

got to come check out the

18:16

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18:20

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18:22

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18:28

concepts that I just can't fit

18:30

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18:40

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18:46

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18:51

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quiz. Did you know that the Take Back

19:01

Your Brain audio book, narrated by yours truly,

19:04

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19:40

you get your audio books, and you have

19:42

my delcetones in your ears teaching you how

19:45

to understand your brain, it's a win-win.