0:00

Hello my friends, so I chose

0:02

this greatest hits of replay to

0:04

share this week really deliberately because

0:06

this episode is all about being extraordinary

0:08

and that is something that

0:10

I find that people socialize as

0:13

women and marginalized people struggle with

0:15

a lot because we are not

0:17

socialized to believe that we can

0:20

be extraordinary and in fact we're

0:22

socialized to believe it's arrogant to

0:24

think we can. and it's somehow

0:27

sort of selfish to even want

0:29

to be, and that just by

0:31

virtue of trying to be great

0:33

or extraordinary, we are putting ourselves

0:36

above other people and insulting

0:38

other people, and that in

0:40

order to not do that, we

0:42

should not try to sort of rise

0:44

above our station, right? And I

0:46

think it's even more important these

0:49

days, because what we're seeing

0:51

is a kind of social

0:53

regression on... gender equality on

0:55

LGBTQIA rights, on the status

0:57

of the most marginalized people

1:00

in our community, the undocumented,

1:02

people of color, women, and

1:04

that social retrenchment, social regression,

1:06

right, is part of kind

1:08

of how justice movements happen

1:10

throughout history. There are always

1:13

steps forward and steps back,

1:15

right? Have civil war and

1:17

then reconstruction and then

1:19

Jim Crow and then the civil

1:21

rights movement. And we're having kind

1:23

of another setback in some ways

1:26

now culturally and legally. And in

1:28

these times, it's tempting to sort

1:30

of try to stay small or

1:32

try to fly under the radar

1:34

or just try to make do.

1:36

And we get really focused on

1:38

everything that's happening outside of us

1:41

and how unfair and terrible it

1:43

is. And I'm not saying it's

1:45

not those things. But what we

1:47

lose when we're only focused externally.

1:49

is we lose the connection

1:51

to our own power and

1:54

our own resilience and to

1:56

our own agency in creating

1:59

our lives. in a

2:01

society that's telling women to

2:03

conform to traditional gender norms

2:05

more and more, we have

2:07

the opportunity to choose to

2:09

go another way. We have

2:11

the opportunity to stand up

2:13

strong for what we believe.

2:15

And we have the opportunity

2:17

to lead in our own

2:19

lives and to be extraordinary.

2:21

And that doesn't mean like

2:23

being globally known or being

2:25

high profile. It just means

2:27

being extraordinary in our commitment

2:29

to our values, being extraordinary

2:32

in our commitment to living

2:34

an intentional life, right? Being

2:36

extraordinary in our commitment to

2:38

expressing our potential, because what's

2:40

ordinary is to not do

2:42

those things. What is ordinary

2:44

is to let those with

2:46

small imaginations and small empathy

2:48

and a small vision of

2:50

the world impose it on

2:52

the rest of us. And...

2:54

I don't want to be

2:56

ordinary, and I know you

2:58

don't either. So, let's let

3:00

this episode inspire us to

3:02

be extraordinary. Welcome to Unfuck

3:04

Your Brain. I'm your host,

3:06

Kara Lowenthal, Master Certified Coach,

3:09

and founder of the School

3:11

of New Feminist Thought. I'm

3:13

here to help you turn

3:15

down your anxiety, turn up

3:17

your confidence, and create a

3:19

life on your own terms,

3:21

one that you're truly excited

3:23

to live. Let's go. All

3:27

right, my friend. So we're going to

3:29

start with what I've been reading lately.

3:32

I just finished reading a memoir called

3:34

A Well Trained Wife that was all

3:36

about the author's experience in conservative Christian

3:38

culture and how she was taught to

3:40

essentially dissolve her identity and become like

3:43

an empty vessel for her husband and

3:45

her children and how that led her

3:47

to put up with abuse and unhappiness

3:49

because she was so deeply socialized to

3:51

believe that speaking out or wanting more

3:53

or worse. trying to even protect herself

3:56

would make her a bad wife. and

3:58

she was trained to take too much

4:00

responsibility, what I would call over-responsibility, for

4:02

her husband's behavior, and to try to

4:04

change herself in order to change him.

4:07

That's what she had been taught. And

4:09

it's a more extreme version of a

4:11

story that I think so many women

4:13

are living, trying to become the woman

4:15

society tells them to be, which is

4:17

impossible, because that woman is supposed to

4:20

be too many contradictory things at once,

4:22

and because she is also supposed to

4:24

not really have any opinions of any

4:26

opinions of her own. So the book

4:28

really reminded me of the oppressive power

4:30

of these social expectations. Of course they

4:33

are more extreme in some conservative religious

4:35

contexts, but they're present with the rest

4:37

of us outside of those contexts as

4:39

well, and that includes me. You know,

4:41

the past few weeks I have been

4:44

writing and thinking and teaching you all

4:46

about the concept of your future feminist

4:48

self. And I've been really immersed in

4:50

this concept because I've been putting the

4:52

finishing touches on this all-day immersion workshop

4:54

that I'm teaching about it. And when

4:57

it comes to me, I don't think

4:59

anybody would describe me as a shrinking

5:01

violet. Nobody would say, like that Kara,

5:03

you just never really know what she

5:05

thinks or who she is. In fact,

5:08

one thing I hear a lot from

5:10

podcast listeners who become society members and

5:12

get coached by me or meet me

5:14

at person in events or people who

5:16

came to my book tour launch events

5:18

was, you are exactly like the podcast

5:21

in real life. People say that to

5:23

me all the time, like, you know,

5:25

like I've met so many people who...

5:27

aren't the way that they seem online,

5:29

or aren't the way they appear professionally

5:31

in person, but you are just like

5:34

100% the same. And to me, that's

5:36

really a testament to the authenticity and

5:38

the transparency with which I show up

5:40

in this particular container and relationship with

5:42

all of you and really in every

5:45

area of my life. And to me,

5:47

that's just a way of being. It's

5:49

just a way of life. I hardly

5:51

even notice that I'm doing it at

5:53

this point. But I totally get why

5:55

it is very striking to people who

5:58

don't live that way, who live their

6:00

lives hiding their... and worrying about what

6:02

everyone else thinks, and swallowing their true

6:04

opinions and feelings, and trying to perform

6:06

their role to please everyone else. That's

6:09

part of what is so powerful

6:11

about learning how to stop taking

6:13

over responsibility for everyone and everything

6:15

else and turn some of your

6:17

focus back on to yourself, to

6:19

take more responsibility for yourself

6:21

and less responsibility for everything else.

6:23

I teach this stuff every day, I

6:25

live it, and yet. Socialization still in my

6:28

brain in ways that I am not yet

6:30

aware of. I want to teach you

6:32

a powerful patriarchy-proof way to

6:34

set goals that you won't freak out about

6:36

or pull back from after a couple of

6:39

months when they get hard or they seem

6:41

too big. That's why on April 19th

6:43

I'm hosting my feminist

6:45

future self-workshop. It's an all-day workshop

6:47

where I'll teach you how to pick

6:49

one area in your life or the

6:52

world that you want to see change.

6:54

mental, emotional, relational, physical, professional, artistic, financial,

6:56

whatever it is. And I'm going to

6:58

push you to think bigger. I'm going

7:01

to teach you how to push yourself

7:03

to think bigger when I'm not around.

7:05

I'm going to teach you how to spot

7:07

the subconscious blocks that you have around

7:09

those big goals and ambitions because

7:11

you've absorbed toxic social messages from

7:14

the patriarchy about what women are

7:16

for and are capable of and

7:18

are worthy of. I'm going to teach

7:20

you a powerful cognitive practice you

7:22

can use to access a new

7:25

level of self-belief and better strategic

7:27

thinking so you can solve the

7:29

problems that currently seem so insurmountable

7:31

and challenging. And you're going to

7:33

learn how to do all of this

7:35

in a full-day interactive workshop with plenty

7:37

of time to ask questions, do exercises,

7:40

and get coached by me. This is

7:42

not just passive learning, it's not

7:44

coaching Netflix, it is really an

7:46

interactive immersion that's designed to help

7:48

you create new neural connections and

7:50

shift your brain in just a

7:52

few hours. So come prepared to

7:54

actually dig in, write things down,

7:56

practice these tools, and get feedback

7:59

in real time. The first time I taught

8:01

this, we had more than 600 women register

8:03

for it. And one of those participants said,

8:05

in the first 30 minutes, my mind has

8:07

been fucking blown. She put that in the

8:10

chat in the first 30 minutes. So imagine

8:12

how everybody felt by the end of the day.

8:14

That is how powerful this training is.

8:16

And this skill is more important now

8:18

than ever, given all of the uncertainty

8:20

in the world and given the kind

8:22

of cultural pushback we're seeing to feminism

8:24

and equality right now. You can join

8:27

us by going to unfuck

8:29

your brain.com forward slash future

8:31

or you can text your

8:33

email to plus one three

8:35

four seven nine seven eight

8:37

four that's unfuck your brain.com/future

8:39

or text your email to

8:41

plus one three four seven

8:44

nine seven seven seven seven

8:46

eight four I'll see you there. So

8:49

on the way home from upstate on a

8:51

long drive earlier this week, after I'd

8:53

read that book, I was listening to

8:55

a training I participated in with somebody

8:57

who's a social media expert. I was

8:59

not expecting anything mind blowing really. I

9:01

didn't sign up to have my mind

9:03

blown like we're bringing our social media

9:05

in-house and our business and I just

9:07

wanted to get some ideas and concepts

9:09

for how to approach it. I showed

9:11

up for the tactics really. But what I

9:13

got was some unexpected mindset

9:15

coaching. It was two pieces coming together

9:18

for me. First, she talked about

9:20

the idea of communicating that you are

9:22

an expert and talking about why

9:24

your prospective client should hire you.

9:26

That seems pretty straightforward, but when she said

9:28

it, I realized that I don't talk a

9:30

lot about why I am the best person

9:32

to teach you how to liberate yourself. I

9:35

talk a lot about my work, my ideas,

9:37

my school, my team, my process, but I

9:39

don't talk about myself that much in terms

9:41

of why you should work with me and

9:43

not somebody else. So I was like, huh, that's interesting.

9:45

I put a little mental pin in that.

9:48

And then a little bit later, this person

9:50

started talking about what has enabled her to

9:52

succeed in her business and herself concept. And

9:54

she was talking about the idea that she

9:56

is here for people who know they're not

9:58

meant to be average. She speaks to and

10:01

wants to reach people who know they're meant

10:03

to be special. And I have this light

10:05

bulb moment where these two insights came

10:07

together. I realize that I have not

10:09

talked as much about myself as an

10:11

example of what is possible and as

10:14

someone who has created an extraordinary life

10:16

and mind because of the very deep

10:18

insidious socialization that tells women, don't think

10:21

too highly of yourself, don't stand out,

10:23

don't think you're special. And that socialization

10:25

had kind of hijacked and appropriated one

10:27

of my true values, which is not

10:29

putting myself above anyone else in a

10:32

hierarchical way. That is like a real

10:34

core value of mine, not believing that

10:36

I am more valuable or better than

10:38

anyone else, or that anyone else is

10:41

more valuable or better than me in

10:43

some moral worth sense. It's like a

10:45

democracy of human worth. We all

10:47

have intrinsic and inherent... human worth

10:49

because we decide to believe that

10:51

about ourselves and some of us are

10:53

not more worthy than others. That's a true

10:56

value. But I had allowed that

10:58

true value to kind of be twisted

11:00

to support this patriarchal socialization women get

11:02

of don't get too big for your

11:04

bridges, don't think too well of yourself,

11:06

don't ever suggest to anyone that you

11:09

think you might be special or have

11:11

anything special to offer or share. Right,

11:13

women are socialized to not be arrogant,

11:15

not be proud, not be self-important, and

11:18

that's pretty much defined as thinking at

11:20

all well of ourselves ever, or acting

11:22

like we might be able to offer

11:24

something to anyone ever, other than our

11:27

just emotional labor or physical labor.

11:29

And my brain had taken that socialization

11:31

and used it to tell me not

11:33

to ever suggest there was anything different

11:35

or unusual about me, because that would

11:38

imply that I thought I was better

11:40

than someone else. or that other people

11:42

couldn't do what I've done. But here's the

11:44

thing. This is what I realized. What

11:47

makes me extraordinary is something

11:49

other people can do. It is something any

11:51

woman can do. It is something you

11:53

can do. Because it's not

11:56

my specific accomplishments. That's not

11:58

what makes me extraordinary. What

12:00

makes me extraordinary is that not that

12:02

many women have had the opportunity to

12:04

learn how to deprogram patriarchy from their

12:07

brains. Not many women have had the

12:09

opportunity to learn how to truly think

12:11

for themselves. Not many women have learned

12:14

to stop being over responsible for everyone

12:16

else and start being responsible for their

12:18

own lives. Not many women have learned

12:21

to stop living 100% for everyone else

12:23

and start living for themselves as well.

12:25

And that's because not many women have

12:28

had that opportunity. have been exposed to

12:30

the work that would help them do

12:32

that. That's what's extraordinary. It's not the

12:34

details of my dream life because those

12:37

are the details of my dream life.

12:39

Your dream life may be extremely different.

12:41

But I have shied away from talking

12:44

about myself as an example of an

12:46

extraordinary life because my deep subconscious socialization

12:48

said, don't make this about you. But

12:51

talking about my life is not actually

12:53

for or about me. That was part

12:55

of what I realized. When I heard

12:58

this social media... expert talking about her

13:00

extraordinary results, I didn't feel fired up

13:02

about her life on her behalf, right?

13:04

I wasn't thinking about her at all.

13:07

I was feeling inspired to be more

13:09

bold and forward with my own life.

13:11

I was fired up about me. I

13:14

was not thinking about where she was

13:16

going next. I was thinking about where

13:18

I was going next. And that is

13:21

the moment that I realized that showing

13:23

up more as an example of what

13:25

a woman can have as an extraordinary

13:28

life of what an extraordinary woman can

13:30

experience is not about me. It's about

13:32

you. Because, and please forgive the Christian

13:34

terminology here, it's just such a good

13:37

word for this, being like a living

13:39

testimony of feminist mindset work and what

13:41

is possible is not actually making it

13:44

about me. It's not about me. It's

13:46

making it all about you. I am

13:48

proof of the power of the work,

13:51

as are thousands of women who have

13:53

gone through the feminist self-help society with

13:55

me. And you are proof of the

13:58

power of feminist mindset work for everyone

14:00

around you. Making myself out of the

14:02

equation, focusing on the work, not talking

14:04

about myself, about my conviction, my dedication,

14:07

my effort, my returns and results and

14:09

outcomes, that's a disservice. Not just because

14:11

I don't show up as the example of

14:13

what is possible when I don't share that,

14:15

but because I don't show up as an

14:17

example of a woman who is owning the

14:19

power of her unique self in the

14:22

world. And that's what I'm supposedly teaching

14:24

all of you to do, to be extraordinary.

14:26

taught us that only a few

14:29

people can be extraordinary. We assume

14:31

that the vast majority must be

14:33

ordinary, and only a few can

14:35

be extraordinary. But what if all

14:38

women did this feminist mindset work?

14:40

What if all women learned to access

14:42

their future feminist self? What if all

14:44

women learned to become the power in

14:46

the world they want to be? Maybe

14:48

we would all be extraordinary. Maybe

14:51

that would become the new ordinary, and

14:53

we need a whole different word

14:55

to describe it. Because everyone's

14:57

extraordinary is different. Some

14:59

of us want to be on the

15:01

cover of magazines. Some of us want

15:03

to break generational cycles of trauma and

15:06

abuse in our parenting. Some of us

15:08

want to raise Alpatas in the mountains.

15:10

Extraordinary doesn't mean a particular size or

15:12

shape or type of life. It definitely

15:14

does not mean a life that looks

15:17

like mine. It means going beyond what

15:19

has been ordinary for women. Because

15:21

being ordinary for women has meant

15:23

having no self at all. That's

15:25

the future I want to see,

15:27

a future where all of us

15:30

are extraordinary, because historically what was

15:32

ordinary was for women to sublimate

15:34

themselves to everyone else around them

15:36

to become an empty vessel for

15:39

society to use. And what I want

15:41

to see is every woman being her

15:43

own version of extraordinary. If

15:45

you're loving what you're learning on

15:47

the podcast, you have got to

15:49

come check out the feminist self-help

15:51

society. It's our newly revamped community

15:53

and classroom where you get individual

15:56

help to better apply these concepts

15:58

to your life along with a

16:00

library of Next Level Blow Your

16:02

Mind Coaching Tools and Concepts

16:04

that I just can't fit in a

16:06

podcast episode. It's also where you

16:08

can hang out, get coached, and

16:11

nerd out about all things, thought

16:13

work, and feminist mindset with other

16:15

podcast listeners just like you and

16:17

me. It's my favorite place on

16:19

earth and it will change your

16:22

life, I guarantee it. Come join

16:24

us at www. Unfuck Your brain.com/

16:26

society. I can't wait to see you

16:28

there. The culture right

16:30

now, a lot of the

16:32

dominant culture, wants us to

16:34

be afraid to retreat

16:37

to be smaller. And we

16:39

get to decide how we're

16:41

going to meet this moment.

16:43

I know how I'm going

16:45

to. And I know how

16:47

I'm going to. And I

16:49

want to teach you how

16:51

to stand up too. And

16:53

so I am teaching my

16:55

feminist future self-self workshop. In April,

16:58

on April 19th, this is

17:00

an immersive coaching experience. I

17:02

teach you do exercises on

17:04

what we're working on. I

17:06

coach some of you. I

17:08

answer questions live. It is

17:11

really a like proactive participatory

17:13

workshop. And I'm going to show

17:15

you how to create and connect to

17:17

that vision of your feminist future self.

17:19

It's not a political workshop about making

17:22

protest signs, although if your feminist future

17:24

self goes to protests, awesome, I will

17:26

help you with that. But it is

17:28

really about connecting to the version of

17:30

you that is strong in who you

17:33

are underneath all of that

17:35

social programming. So that's what we're going

17:37

to be doing together. You can go

17:39

to unfuck your brain.com/future to sign up

17:41

or you can text your email to

17:44

plus one, three, four, seven, nine,

17:46

seven, one, seven, seven, and the code

17:48

word is future. Come and join me. It's

17:50

more important now than ever that we are

17:52

strong in who we are and we know where

17:54

we're going and we know how to get there. And

17:56

that is what your feminist future self

17:59

is all about. I'll see you

18:01

there. you there.