0:00

Have you ever been struck with deep

0:02

envy or anxiety when you see someone

0:04

accomplish something you want, or have you ever

0:06

felt disappointed to see someone else

0:08

succeed, even though rationally you might know

0:11

and like them and want them to do

0:13

well? So many women and other marginalized people

0:15

have a deep unconscious belief that we

0:17

must be the best at whatever we're

0:19

doing, and that if we are anything

0:21

less than the best, we are failing.

0:23

And this not only makes you feel

0:25

unsupportive of others, but it makes

0:27

you feel bad about yourself. both

0:29

for being unsupportive of others, but

0:32

also if you aren't always acclaimed

0:34

by everyone around you as the

0:36

very best, which is stressful and

0:38

sometimes actually paralyzes us from doing

0:40

anything at all. So today I want to talk

0:42

about why we have this belief from a

0:44

historical and socialization perspective

0:46

and some thought hacks that you can use to

0:49

start to heal this pattern. Let's get

0:51

into it. Welcome to Unfuck

0:53

Your Brain. I'm your host,

0:55

Kara Lowenthal, Master Certified Coach,

0:57

and founder of the School

0:59

of New Feminist Thought. I'm

1:01

here to help you turn

1:03

down your anxiety, turn up

1:05

your confidence, and create a

1:07

life on your own terms,

1:09

one that you're truly excited to

1:12

live. Let's go. So the other

1:14

day I was watching a Disney movie. Not

1:16

what you would expect to hear, I know.

1:18

I'm not usually a huge Disney fan, but

1:20

not here to yuck anyone's yum, just not

1:22

usually my style. But I was on a

1:24

plane, and the plane suggested that I watch

1:26

a movie about the first woman to swim

1:28

the English Channel. So I did, because, you

1:30

know, who am I disagree with, Jeff Blue, and

1:32

what its movie screen tells me to do? So

1:34

if you don't know the story, the first

1:36

woman to swim the English Channel

1:38

was Gertrude Gertrude Edderley. She was Gertrude

1:41

Edderle. She was Gertrude Edderle. She was

1:43

Gertrude Edderle. after only five other people

1:45

had done it who were all men.

1:47

And she goes by trudy, so I'm going

1:49

to be calling her that in this episode.

1:51

Her story is very inspiring, and of

1:53

course I absolutely sobbed because I always

1:56

cry watching women achieve things that men

1:58

told them were impossible. when

2:00

they're set to a stirring soundtrack.

2:02

But I'm used to being inspired by

2:05

incredible women, so that was not what

2:07

was really a standout to me from

2:09

this film. What stuck with me from

2:11

the film was actually a subplot about

2:13

Trudy's sister. Now I did some research

2:15

and I couldn't find a lot about

2:17

her sister, and like this is not

2:19

a term paper, so I don't know

2:21

if this subplot in the movie is

2:23

true, but it's... Literary True, right? It's

2:25

metaphorically true. It stuck with me because

2:27

it illustrates something that was historically true,

2:30

whether or not this actually happened

2:32

to Trudy's sister. So in the

2:34

movie, Trudy's sister is also an

2:36

excellent swimmer. She's not as good as

2:38

Trudy, but she's good. But when the time

2:40

comes for the Olympic team to be

2:42

put together, Trudy makes it and her

2:45

sister doesn't. And Trudy did actually

2:47

go to the Olympics and set a bunch

2:49

of world records. And Trudy's. married

2:51

the apprentice and her father's butcher shop

2:53

and that was that. She was a huge

2:56

supporter of treaty. She even helped her in

2:58

her swim across the channel. But in the

3:00

movie at least, her career is a swimmer's

3:02

over and she just like marries the guy

3:04

who her parents want her to marry.

3:07

So it struck me about this was

3:09

that it illustrates how for so long

3:11

to be a woman who succeeded in

3:13

anything outside of mothering and homemaking, you

3:15

had to be literally the best. You

3:17

had to be the best in the world. You

3:19

had to be the top one. You had

3:21

to be the one who could compete with

3:23

or exceed the men. And this is true

3:25

for other marginalized groups, right? You had

3:27

to be the exception, the one who

3:30

could compete with or exceed the dominant

3:32

group, whatever that was. Because you were

3:34

the exception, you were the token. There wasn't

3:36

going to be space for more than one

3:38

of you. If you are an elite

3:40

woman swimmer today who doesn't make the

3:42

Olympic team, That doesn't mean your entire swim

3:45

life is over and you just have to

3:47

marry the man closest to you. You

3:49

can still swim in your college team. You

3:51

can coach swimming as a job. You could

3:54

start a swim school. You could give swim

3:56

lessons. You could compete in the adult national

3:58

races. Like you don't just... to bury

4:00

the butcher's apprentice and give up

4:02

swimming forever. But for so long if

4:05

you were a woman or a member

4:07

of another marginalized group, and especially if

4:09

you were both, there really was a

4:11

scarcity of opportunity and a scarcity of

4:13

success available. You did have to make

4:16

your way through a system designed to

4:18

keep you out, and only a few

4:20

of you could succeed. And you had

4:22

to be impeccable to get through, and

4:25

you would be considered responsible for the

4:27

reputation of your entire group. And this

4:29

is still the case today, right? With

4:31

other minority and marginalized groups, and in

4:33

some cases still for women as a whole

4:36

as well. It's gotten better, but

4:38

those systems are still there. So it's

4:40

not a surprise that so many

4:42

people socialized as women have this

4:44

deep unconscious belief that they have

4:46

to be the best, that to be anything but

4:48

the best, is to be a failure, and

4:51

that the only options are to be the

4:53

best or to be nothing at all. And

4:55

this manifest as perfectionism.

4:57

as not allowing any room for error, as

4:59

not allowing any room for

5:01

being a human, as having

5:04

unrealistically high expectations for ourselves,

5:06

and it manifests as scarcity,

5:08

as believing that there's not

5:10

enough to go around, there's a limited

5:13

amount of success out there, and

5:15

if someone else gets it, then

5:17

we don't. And these belief patterns

5:19

lead to feelings like envy and

5:21

jealousy and shame. We see someone else

5:23

make VP, and we believe that means

5:25

we can't make it. We see someone else's

5:27

writing get published, and we believe now

5:30

ours won't get published. We see someone

5:32

else get engaged, and we believe now

5:34

there's one less good potential partner

5:36

for us. My friend Rachel and I always

5:38

laugh about this because when we got certified

5:41

as coaches, she got very upset with me

5:43

for suggesting that I thought we could both

5:45

make $100,000 in our coaching businesses.

5:47

Because her brain told her, and she told

5:49

me, that there could only be like six

5:51

or seven 100, $100,000 coaches in the world.

5:53

So like obviously we weren't both going to be able

5:55

to do it, like the odds were not that we

5:58

could be in the same certification class. And

6:00

now we laugh about it because from that one

6:02

class of like 25 people there are at

6:04

least three seven figure coaches in front

6:06

who came from that class me and Rachel

6:09

and our friends Stacey we're all in that

6:11

same group. But I think we all do

6:13

this in different ways. We believe there's

6:15

not enough success or money or love to

6:17

go around and if someone else gets

6:19

some that means there's less for us. And

6:21

I think for people socialized as

6:23

women or who are in other

6:25

marginalized groups or identities or especially

6:28

more than one marginalized identity, that's

6:30

not just random. And it's not

6:32

evolutionary biology of competition, at least

6:35

not totally. It's actually socialized into

6:37

us. We are taught that there's plenty

6:39

of success and money and power available

6:41

for mediocre white men, but there's

6:43

only a little to go around for the rest

6:46

of us. We all got to split the token

6:48

that's left. And historically,

6:50

this was true. That is the part

6:52

that so struck me from watching

6:54

that movie. That historically,

6:56

that was so true, and we are

6:58

still living with the legacy of that

7:01

lens passed down from mother to

7:03

daughter for generations. It's less true

7:05

now. It's not completely not true.

7:07

There are still power structures in

7:10

place, and our current government in

7:12

the US is literally in the

7:14

middle right now. I'm trying to

7:16

make it harder for people who

7:19

aren't cis Christian white men to get

7:21

ahead. Right? The entire kind of made up

7:23

war on DEI. Not that the war on

7:25

it is made up. The things they're saying

7:27

are made up. The war on it is

7:29

very real. But it's not 1820 or

7:32

1920 and even with what's going on

7:34

is no longer the case that there's

7:36

room for only one. woman at the

7:38

top of every field. So we need to

7:40

rewire our brains and teach them that

7:43

there's more possibility out there for us. So

7:45

I'm going to share with you my two-step

7:47

approach for doing that right after this quick

7:49

break. Here's a thing about me. I

7:51

own multiple copies of the books that have

7:53

been the most important to me, especially

7:56

when they are self-help books or books

7:58

that I'm trying to learn something. Because

8:00

I like to read the hard copy

8:02

of the book, but then I like

8:04

to listen to the audio book as

8:06

well. Because I pick up on different

8:08

things when I listen than when I

8:10

read with my eyes. And I hear

8:12

things differently, my brain processes the information

8:14

differently, and audio books are something I

8:17

can listen to on the road, doing

8:19

things around the house, even in a

8:21

bathtub. So that's why I'm so excited

8:23

to tell you that the Take Back

8:25

Your Brain audio book... is available now

8:27

wherever audio books are sold and it

8:29

is narrated by yours truly. So even

8:31

if you've already gotten the book in

8:33

hard cover, if you really want to

8:35

make sure that it all sinks in,

8:37

especially if you have a little trouble

8:39

focusing or paying attention sometimes as we

8:41

all do these days, really recommend that

8:44

you also get the audio book, listen

8:46

to it in the background, your brain

8:48

will actually learn by osmosis and it

8:50

will all sink in and stay in

8:52

even better. Okay,

8:55

so now that we understand where this thinking

8:57

comes from, what can we do with

8:59

that insight? That insight is not going

9:01

to magically change our brain, obviously. We need

9:04

to work on rewiring our thought patterns to

9:06

address this. So I want to offer you

9:08

a two-part technique for when you notice

9:10

these kinds of feelings coming up. When

9:12

we feel envy or jealousy of something

9:15

or someone, when we feel competitive,

9:17

when we feel like we have

9:19

to beat other people, and I'm

9:21

talking about in a way that's

9:23

unpleasant, some people enjoy a healthy

9:25

competition in a race or something.

9:27

I'm not saying anything wrong with

9:29

a healthy competition in a race or

9:31

something. I'm not saying anything wrong with

9:33

that. I'm talking about the kind

9:35

of competition that feels like

9:37

anxiety producing and upsetting. It

9:39

feels very different. That is an insight

9:42

into something we need to know about ourselves.

9:44

Something we want to have or experience

9:46

or achieve. And our brain is currently

9:48

identifying that thing as something that's not

9:50

available to us or something that's limited.

9:52

And that's why we have the envy

9:54

or the jealousy or that kind of

9:57

negative type of competition,

9:59

competitive feeling. The first thing we need

10:01

to do is get curious about why we

10:03

are feeling envious or jealous or competitive.

10:06

Do we actually want the thing that

10:08

that person is doing or being or

10:11

that experience? And if so, why do we

10:13

want it? Sometimes we don't actually

10:15

want it. We've just been taught by

10:17

society we're supposed to want it or

10:19

we're supposed to have it. And so

10:21

if we see someone else doing it

10:23

or having it or being it, that

10:25

reads us as, oh, they're doing it,

10:27

they're good enough and I'm not. So

10:29

we have to actually ask ourselves if

10:31

we even want this thing. Truly.

10:33

And if we do, why do we want it?

10:36

Do we imagine that we'll feel a certain

10:38

way if we get it or if we

10:40

experience it? Do we imagine that person

10:42

is feeling a certain way that we

10:44

want to feel? Right? We want to get

10:46

really curious about why we think we

10:49

want this thing. What is the feeling that

10:51

we're after? And why are we assuming

10:53

that there isn't enough to go around?

10:55

And do we want to keep believing

10:57

that? If the reason we want something

10:59

is to prove that we're good enough

11:02

or to impress other people or to

11:04

try to make us feel a certain

11:06

way, that's an invitation us to stop

11:08

worrying about that thing or that experience

11:10

or that accomplishment and start focusing on

11:13

the thoughts that we need to believe to

11:15

feel that we're good enough now, right, to

11:17

detach from other people's opinions, to not

11:19

feel pressure to live up to societal

11:21

expectations, like that's an invitation to us

11:24

to... turn our mind from focusing on

11:26

that thing that experience that accomplishment that

11:28

we're jealous or competitive or envious about

11:30

and to focus on what's going on

11:33

in our brain that's making us fixate

11:35

on that. The second step is only sometimes

11:37

necessary. Sometimes that step takes care of it

11:39

you realize I don't actually even want that

11:41

thing or I only want that thing to

11:43

make me feel good enough about myself or

11:45

something similar so I got to work on my

11:47

thoughts about that. Now sometimes I think we

11:49

discover we discover we do actually want

11:52

that thing or that experience. And we

11:54

like our reasons. It's actually connecting to

11:56

like a little spark inside of us

11:58

that has similar ambitions or desires. It

12:00

feels curdled because we think we can't have

12:03

it, but that there is a real spark

12:05

in us that's like, but I think I

12:07

really do want to write a novel. I

12:09

think I really do want to

12:11

see if I'm capable of starting a

12:14

business. I really do want to

12:16

see what it's like to

12:18

live in Bora Bora, like whatever the thing

12:20

is. We get to decide

12:22

whether to double down on

12:24

that curdled envious feeling or whether to

12:26

shift it because we can

12:28

choose to notice that emotion

12:31

and notice that spark and

12:33

flip our perception and interpretation

12:35

of it to focus on

12:37

inspiration instead. If I

12:39

see someone announcing that she sold

12:42

200 ,000 copies of her book or

12:44

speaking on a huge stage and I

12:46

feel that stab of jealousy or

12:48

envy, that's an invitation for me

12:50

to do that inquiry, right? Do I want

12:52

that thing? Why? But if I

12:54

discover, oh, I do want that thing, I

12:56

think it would be so fun to give

12:58

a TED talk and to be able to

13:00

share my work with like millions of

13:03

new people. I want that. I already think

13:05

I'm good enough. I already think my work

13:07

is amazing. I want that exposure. I

13:09

want to have that experience and that adventure

13:11

and like level up. Then

13:13

I get to choose whether to make

13:15

that person's success mean that it's

13:17

not possible or less possible for me

13:19

or whether to make it mean

13:21

that it is possible for me. It's

13:23

more possible for me. I

13:25

had this model for me really early in my

13:27

coaching career. When I was thinking about starting

13:29

my business and I was focusing on coaching lawyers

13:32

and I discovered there was already a lawyer coach. Of

13:34

course in my brain I was like,

13:36

well, that means I can't do it. It's

13:38

already been taken. It's already done. There's

13:41

already one person doing it. So she'll always

13:43

be ahead of me and there's no

13:45

room for me and she'll already have all

13:47

the connections and she'll always be successful and I

13:49

won't be. But my coach of

13:51

course had none of those thoughts and when

13:53

I was like, well, there's already someone doing

13:55

this, she was like, awesome. That's proof of

13:57

market potential. That's proof that

13:59

the market's viable. that means someone already did

14:01

the part where they went out

14:03

and found out if people would

14:05

pay for this. So now we

14:07

know that people will pay for

14:09

this and it is a viable

14:11

market and you can do it

14:13

too. That was like so mind-blowing

14:15

to me that I could take

14:17

someone else getting there first and

14:19

take that as proof that I

14:21

could do it and as inspiration

14:23

instead of immediately using that to

14:25

me now there's none left for

14:27

me. We can choose to interpret

14:29

other people's accomplishments as proof that

14:31

it's possible for us. as opposed

14:33

to proof that it's not possible.

14:36

And when it comes to competition,

14:38

we can choose to believe that

14:40

two people can succeed, or 12

14:42

people, or 20 people, or 200

14:44

people. Okay, yes, you might not

14:46

both be able to be in

14:48

the exact same job at the

14:50

exact same organization, but nobody for

14:52

good reasons feels like they have

14:54

to have the exact job at

14:56

the exact organization, or they'll never

14:58

be able to be happy or

15:00

have an impact. Like that's not

15:02

a thought that is ever useful.

15:04

When we are feeling that competition,

15:06

it's like, what is the thing

15:08

we're really wanting? Right? And believing

15:10

that whatever that bigger thing is,

15:12

that impact, that wealth building, that

15:14

experience, that it's possible for more

15:16

than one person to experience that.

15:18

You don't have to be the

15:20

best in the world at anything

15:22

to have an accomplished happy and

15:24

fulfilling life. You just have to

15:26

practice believing that you're capable of

15:28

creating the life you want. You're

15:30

capable of knowing what you actually

15:32

want and care about, and there's

15:34

enough space and acclaim and money

15:36

and success for all of us

15:38

to do that too. If you're

15:40

loving what you're learning on the

15:42

podcast, you have got to come

15:44

check out the Feminist Self-Health Society.

15:46

It's our newly revamped community and

15:48

classroom where you get individual help

15:50

to better apply these concepts to

15:52

your life. along with a library

15:54

of Next Level Low Your Mind

15:56

Coaching Tools and Concepts that I

15:58

just can't fit in a podcast

16:00

episode. It's also where you can

16:02

hang out, get coached, and nerd

16:05

out about all things thought work.

16:07

and feminist mindset with other podcast

16:09

listeners just like you and me.

16:11

It's my favorite place on earth

16:13

and it will change your life,

16:15

I guarantee it.

16:17

Come join us

16:20

at www. Unfuck

16:23

Your brain.com/society. I

16:25

can't wait to see you

16:27

there. quiz. Did you know that the

16:29

Take Back Your Brain audio book, narrated by

16:31

yours truly, Moi, myself, is out now. If

16:33

you love this podcast... The audiobook is the

16:36

best way for you to enjoy this in

16:38

New York Times and USA Today bestseller. You

16:40

can still get the hardcover, anywhere bucks are

16:42

sold, you can still get the e-book, but

16:45

if you're like me, you love audiobooks just

16:47

as much or more because they're easier to

16:49

enjoy on the go or while you're multitasking.

16:51

And if you already have the hardcover and

16:54

you have been feeling like you just want

16:56

to try to absorb everything in it even

16:58

better, add the audiobook, listen to the audiobook,

17:00

listen to the audiobook, as well, it

17:03

will operate on your brain, and a

17:05

whole different way. Go grab it on

17:07

audible or wherever else. You get your

17:09

audio books and you have my delcetones

17:11

in your ears teaching you how to

17:13

understand your brain. It's a win-win.