0:00

Hi there. Before this

0:02

episode begins, I want to make sure you know

0:04

that this series gets into some things that might

0:06

be triggering to some listeners, specifically

0:08

depression and suicide. If

0:11

you or someone that you know is struggling with

0:13

suicidal thoughts, please seek assistance

0:15

from a mental health professional, or visit

0:18

the National Institute of Mental Health website

0:20

at n I m H dot ni H

0:23

dot g o V for resources. If

0:25

you're in crisis right now, you can call

0:28

one hundred to seven three talk

0:30

that's eight, or text

0:33

Hello to one

0:36

to talk to someone right away. Thanks

0:38

for listening. Picture

0:42

you're on a roller coaster. You sit down,

0:45

strap yourself in. It's the moment

0:47

of decision. There's no going back.

0:50

The ride begins. First, there's

0:53

a small drop, just enough to give

0:55

the car the momentum it needs before the

0:57

real start, the big climb.

1:00

The car hooks into the chain with a jolt,

1:03

and the chain begins pulling you up.

1:05

You rise slowly, so slow,

1:08

it's torturous. Maybe

1:10

you squeeze your eyes shut, overcome with

1:12

delicious anticipation and

1:14

just listen to the clanking and clicking

1:17

as you ascend. Or maybe

1:19

you survey your surroundings, seeing farther

1:21

and farther out. The higher you go either

1:24

way, it begins to feel like the

1:26

climb will never end, But

1:30

eventually it does. You reach

1:33

the top, you know what comes

1:35

next. First, though,

1:37

the car sits at the apex, it's

1:40

as if the whole world has come

1:42

to a standstill, like you're so high

1:45

up the laws of time no longer apply.

1:48

A moment feels like ours.

1:51

Everything is absolutely

1:53

motionless. Maybe you

1:55

hear some distant screaming far off,

1:58

some people on another ride across the

2:00

part, but up here it's

2:02

like you're suspended and amber a

2:05

moment of perfect, terrifying

2:07

stillness. I

2:10

think that's kind of where we are with this

2:12

show. For the last three episodes,

2:15

we've been working up the coaster together. It's

2:17

rickety beams starting to prove they can

2:20

hold weight. But now we're here.

2:22

It's the point where I'm supposed to do

2:25

the big reveal, the big drop.

2:28

But before I do, before I finally

2:31

tell you how, Yes I did connect

2:33

with Alice, and yes she did indeed

2:35

sound just like Britney spears, and

2:38

yes, our conversation filled in a missing

2:40

peace i'd felt since getting alex Is Goodbye

2:43

email. I want to sit here

2:45

with you for a second at the

2:47

top the pinnacle. I

2:49

want to look out at the world we've got in front of us

2:51

and tell you the truth of how I'm feeling at this

2:54

stage in our story. The

2:56

truth is that I'm terrified.

3:00

Yeah, I'm the guy who walks at the front of my

3:02

friend group at every hunted house, but

3:04

I'm also the person who has a hard time putting

3:06

my faith in anything, and

3:09

right now I'm scared to take the leap.

3:14

See. When I was just looking for Alice, it

3:16

was like I was playing a game, submitting

3:18

to one of Alex's fantasies. But

3:21

now it's real. Alice

3:24

is within reach. She's a real

3:26

person, and I'm afraid she

3:28

might slip between my fingers, just like

3:30

Alex didn't. Until

3:33

now, I've been telling this neat story

3:36

about trying to find the unfindable

3:38

playing investigator in one of Alex's

3:40

fantastical games. But here

3:43

we are. I found what I was looking

3:45

for, and it feels

3:47

like it could all fall apart at any moment.

3:51

I'm Chris Stedmond and this is unread

3:54

episode four. Give me a sign

4:04

open still

4:08

say.

4:41

When I first find Alice, the steaks don't

4:43

feel nearly so high. That's

4:45

because I assume I'm just reaching out to

4:47

a copycat, someone who took

4:49

her Twitter user name after she disappeared.

4:53

I'm looking for someone named Alice,

4:55

I write, someone who sounds

4:58

like Britney spears and used to appear

5:00

in voice chat rooms with Britney fans

5:02

many years ago. A friend

5:04

of mine used to text with her, I say, and

5:07

he died, so I'm

5:09

trying to track her down. I'm

5:11

assuming your name was just inspired

5:13

by her, but I'm wondering if you know anything

5:16

about her or where I might find her.

5:20

But to my surprise, she says

5:22

that it could have been her. She

5:24

also says there was another person

5:26

with a similar user name, though, and people

5:29

would mix them up. She asks

5:31

who my friend was, and I tell her his

5:33

name was Alex. There

5:36

are only two Alex's in my phone, she

5:38

says, and I'm still in touch with

5:40

both. But

5:43

then she realizes she has a third Alex

5:45

in her phone. I'm actually talking to

5:47

show she when it happens, hold

5:50

on, Oh

5:53

my god, I'm sorry

5:54

she did. What

5:56

did she say? She

5:59

said, I have and more Alex in my contacts,

6:02

and he went by Alex Germanada,

6:05

like Lady Gaga's last name. Could

6:08

that be him? You think question mark,

6:11

Yeah, that's possible. He

6:14

always used celebrity names as

6:16

a pseudonym

6:18

show. She suggests, I give Alice the area

6:20

code for Alex's phone number to see if it's a

6:22

match. A little over nine

6:24

hours later, Alice responds

6:26

again, saying it's not. My

6:30

heart sinks he must have

6:32

been talking with someone else, maybe

6:35

the other person Alice mentioned, the one people

6:37

sometimes confuse her with. But

6:42

then a couple of minutes later she sends

6:44

another message, wait, and

6:47

then, oh my god. Could he

6:49

have gone by ambient Ambient

6:53

short for Ambient Hollow, The

6:56

same name Show, she tells me, was one of Alex's

6:58

first email addresses, the same

7:00

name he used on the Brittany forum

7:02

when he met Dua. So

7:05

I asked Alice again about the area code,

7:07

this time for Ambient. She

7:10

responds, and it's a match.

7:13

Just to be sure, I asked her to give me

7:15

the next three numbers of his phone number. Again

7:19

a match there

7:21

she was. Just over a year after

7:24

Alex's death. I found her.

7:32

Finding Alice feels like sitting at the top

7:34

of one of Alex's beloved coasters,

7:36

the same mix of euphoria and

7:39

dread. You get right before that drop

7:42

At first time overjoyed, caught up in

7:44

giddy shock. On some

7:46

level, I never thought i'd actually find

7:48

her, certainly not as soon

7:51

as I did. But then

7:53

very quickly the dread rushes

7:55

in. I've just broken

7:57

the news that someone she knew had died.

8:00

I had been living with

8:02

the reality of Alex's death for a year,

8:04

but for her it was brand new

8:06

information. Her

8:09

next messages are devastating. They

8:11

had been good friends. She says, she

8:14

can't believe he's gone. I

8:16

offer what little I can, my

8:18

sympathy and a willingness to answer

8:21

any questions she has. We

8:24

keep chatting late into the night and early

8:26

morning. At one point

8:28

I pose the question, would she be

8:30

willing to do an interview so that I could

8:32

ask her about Alex, their relationship,

8:34

and who she is. She

8:37

replies, yeah, okay, I'll

8:39

do it for him. I'm

8:41

overcome. We set a

8:43

time to talk in a few days. We

8:46

message on and off the next day, talking

8:48

about Alex and our grief over his death.

8:51

The day after that, though, I opened

8:53

my d M s to see a new message,

8:56

my heart sinks again. She's

8:59

pulling out she wants

9:01

to help, but she doesn't want to do an interview.

9:06

I understand, I say, emphasizing

9:09

that I don't want her to do anything she's uncomfortable

9:11

with. But I tell her I hope

9:13

we can still chat so I can learn more

9:15

about her connection with Alex. I

9:18

send my response and stuffed my phone

9:20

back into my pocket, terrified

9:22

that the next time I pull it out to look at my d

9:25

MS, she'll be gone. As

9:28

I wait to hear back from Alice, I'm drowning

9:31

an uncertainty. It feels

9:33

a little bit like the day after I got Alex's

9:36

goodbye email, when I waited to hear

9:38

if my friend who was prone to disappearing

9:40

had disappeared for the last time. I

9:43

had no clue what to do with myself. The day

9:46

after getting his email, after

9:48

lying awake in bed most of the night, I got

9:50

up early and just wandered Minneapolis

9:52

with my dog, trudging without direction

9:55

in a days. Eventually,

9:58

while wandering, my mind drifted to

10:00

Alex's visit to Minnesota. How

10:02

the one thing he wanted to do was ride

10:04

those indoor coasters at the Mall of America.

10:08

I wanted to feel close to him, so

10:10

I decided to go ride the ones he loved.

10:15

His favorite was the rock Bottom Plunge.

10:17

The name is funny, but that's not why

10:19

Alex loved it. It's probably

10:22

the most intense ride the mall has

10:24

to offer. It begins with a steep

10:26

climb basically ninety degrees straight

10:29

up to a peak just below the theme

10:31

park's glass ceiling. That

10:33

peak is followed by a sheer drop, one

10:35

so steep and fast it gives you the

10:37

momentum you need to make it through the loop

10:40

that follows. It

10:42

was a week day and the mall was pretty empty.

10:45

There was no line, and I basically had the coaster

10:47

to myself. As the ride

10:49

slowly climbed, I felt all my

10:51

anxiety over the unknowns of Alex's

10:54

death grow. But eventually

10:56

I reached the top. It was

10:58

perfectly quiet and then the

11:01

drop. For just a moment,

11:03

as we plummeted straight down to the ground,

11:06

I felt all my uncertainties leave,

11:09

like we were going fast enough to outrun them.

11:12

As the coaster carried me around the loop, turning

11:15

the world on its access, I swore

11:17

I could hear Alex's laugh so

11:19

infectious I couldn't help but join in

11:24

After the ride, I went to one of the food courts,

11:26

where I got confirmation that they found

11:28

his body. I stayed

11:30

there for a while, my food got

11:32

cold. Eventually I

11:35

walked back to the theme park in the mall's center,

11:38

not to ride this time, just to

11:40

watch the coaster loop again and again.

11:46

Alex had two coaster tattoos, and

11:48

I'd later commemorate this moment by getting

11:50

one of them while face timing with shows Do,

11:53

I got the other. In the months

11:55

that followed, both Beth and show She would

11:58

visit Minnesota and ride the same ster

12:00

with me. It became iconography

12:03

for our shared grief, a totem

12:06

to the joy Alex brought into our lives,

12:08

to how he could always make us laugh,

12:11

even in the moments when everything felt

12:13

upside down. While

12:16

I wait for Alice's next message, I

12:18

go digging back into all the material

12:20

Alex left behind. He left

12:22

a lot, all organized for

12:25

us. Here's show she the keeper

12:27

of his files. Everything

12:29

was very purposeful. He had

12:32

all of his important paperwork all

12:34

labeled. It was very specific.

12:37

I've never heard honestly, and I'm

12:39

sure it exists, but I've never heard of anyone

12:42

who did so much sort

12:44

of purposeful planning. It's

12:47

not common. I'm part of so many suicide

12:49

grief groups, and I mean, I

12:51

haven't even heard of one other story

12:53

that's like his. Alex

12:57

not only ordered all of his documents,

12:59

belongings, and digital files,

13:01

he also put together a bunch of stuff

13:04

for us, playlists of his favorite

13:06

songs on Spotify, a collection

13:08

of YouTube videos that made him laugh or

13:10

helped him relax, and a Google folder,

13:13

all of which he directed us to, and his goodbye

13:15

emails. The

13:17

Google folder has a lot of photos from

13:19

his life, but there are also a ton of

13:21

pictures of Brittany memes and

13:24

screenshots of his online antics.

13:26

It's where I found Alex's prying pregnancy

13:28

Facebook post, and there are also grabs

13:30

of his many suspended Twitter accounts.

13:33

My favorite was the one he made pretending

13:35

to be customer service for six Flags.

13:38

He began as a parody, but then he started

13:40

actually helping people. Most

13:42

of the screenshots and memes are snapshots

13:45

of his online play but three of them

13:47

feel very different from the rest. The

13:50

first of these is a meme. It's a close

13:52

up photo of a person whispering into someone's

13:55

ear, followed by another photo of

13:57

arm hairs standing on end, a common

13:59

meme for Matt. The accompanying

14:02

text, I won't abandon you

14:04

when your mental illness acts up. This

14:07

was something Alex talked to me about several

14:10

times, how some people only wanted

14:12

to be around him when he was at his most functioning.

14:15

James remembers the time they were getting ready to

14:18

hang out after an extended time apart, and

14:20

how shortly before he left, Alex

14:22

texted him to give him a heads up that he

14:24

wasn't feeling like he would be the life of the

14:26

party that day. He was

14:28

apologetic and said he understood if

14:30

James didn't want to meet up to hear

14:33

him mentioned that he was self conscious about

14:35

hanging out with me because he wasn't going to be like

14:37

you know on in Big Air quotes um,

14:39

that he wasn't going to be as fun to be around. It broke

14:42

my heart to hear him say that. To feel that you

14:44

have to be able to perform just to be around people,

14:46

and that's the only like valid reason

14:48

to see they see to be around you is

14:50

um, that's tough. There

14:53

are two more things that jump out at me and Alex's

14:56

Google folder. One is a quote

14:58

from the Ascent of Humanity, a book

15:00

by Charles Eisenstein that will come back to

15:02

in a second. The other is

15:04

a news clipping about a British man who took

15:06

his life after he was denied government assistance

15:09

despite his physical disabilities and mental

15:11

illness. Because

15:13

this man was denied assistance, the clipping

15:15

said, he couldn't afford to eat or

15:17

pay rent, and shortly before he was set

15:20

to be evicted from his home, ended

15:22

up taking his life. While

15:25

he was alive, Alex regularly tried

15:28

to seek out care, often at our urging,

15:30

but ultimately felt like he couldn't get

15:32

the assistance he needed in the health care system

15:35

as it exists right now. He

15:37

also died with a great deal of debt. Leaving

15:40

this news clipping among his photos

15:42

and memes felt like a clear message

15:44

about how the world treats people who struggle

15:47

about how it sometimes isn't enough to

15:49

have a support system of friends, like Alex did

15:53

after finding it. I tell Shoshi about the

15:55

news clipping that Eisenstein quote

15:57

comes up to. I

16:00

think that was one thing that

16:02

maybe a lot of people didn't really know about

16:04

him, was how deeply he

16:07

really felt about

16:10

society and about the way society

16:12

treated a lot of people, especially

16:15

those who were destitute or

16:18

ill, whether physically or mentally.

16:21

He felt very strongly about

16:24

that. It actually reminds me.

16:26

There was one other thing in UM

16:29

the Google folder. It's this quote

16:31

from a book, and it says, we find in our

16:33

culture a loneliness and hunger for authenticity

16:36

that may well be unsurpassed in history.

16:38

We try to build community, not

16:40

realizing that mere intention is not enough. When

16:43

separation is built into the very social

16:45

and physical infrastructure of our society,

16:47

to the extent that this infrastructure is intact

16:50

in our lives, we will never experience community.

16:53

Wow, it just made me think about

16:55

between that and then this um

16:57

this screenshot of this news story.

17:00

I think that it was

17:03

not not a factor in Alex's

17:05

decision, that his life

17:08

was difficult and the world was not set up

17:10

for someone like him to thrive.

17:13

I one think that that was

17:15

a factor. And I look

17:17

at these things in the Google folder and I see little

17:19

like breadcrumbs in a way of being

17:21

like, this is part of why I made

17:24

this decision, you know. Yeah,

17:26

I think that he left those things

17:28

specifically for that reason.

17:31

I mean, he didn't just leave

17:34

some random news article

17:37

or you know, page of a book with

17:39

all of these pictures. What he chose

17:42

to leave was very

17:44

specific, which does

17:47

bring back the al you

17:50

know, I mean, he was very specific.

17:53

UM. I do really think that

17:55

one of the reasons that he did do what

17:57

he did was he had a

17:59

series a tech it for society.

18:04

There are a lot of reasons to hate the world

18:07

as it exists right now, especially

18:09

when you struggle with mental health. There

18:11

are just so many obstacles. After

18:14

Alex died, I couldn't stop thinking about

18:16

Alice. But I also

18:18

couldn't stop thinking about all the challenges

18:21

he faced, about how there

18:23

are so many barriers for people

18:25

who struggle in the ways Alex did. And

18:28

while waiting to hear from Alice makes

18:30

me feel uncertain thinking

18:32

about Alex's obstacles fills

18:35

me with rage. Whether

18:37

or not I can talk to Alice. I wanted

18:40

to talk to someone who can help

18:42

me understand how we might better support

18:44

people in Alex's position. Um

18:47

I v staclo um I use he him

18:49

pronouns. I work as

18:52

hotline program director at trans Lifeline,

18:54

which is a nationwide

18:57

US trans lad nonprofit that does director

19:00

of US work. I reached

19:02

out to trans Lifeline for a few reasons.

19:04

Though what first caught my attention about

19:06

them is that they appear to be the only crisis

19:08

line that has a no non consensual intervention

19:11

policy, meaning they will not call

19:13

the cops on someone who doesn't want them to. I

19:17

V and I discussed why people in Alex's

19:19

situation so often fall through the cracks.

19:22

We talked for a long time, and

19:25

I'm going to play just a little of our conversation

19:27

without interruption because I found

19:29

what I V shared so helpful. So

19:33

a big part of the reason I think

19:36

why suicidality is viewed

19:38

and presented the way that it is here

19:41

in particular, is because

19:44

realistically speaking, right, let's say, like

19:46

let's take us as trans people,

19:49

it is a very rational response

19:51

to not want to be alive in a society

19:54

that doesn't want you to be alive. Right,

19:56

That's a very normal thing. But

19:59

the way that it's portrayed

20:01

is that you're having this crazy,

20:03

irrational moment that will

20:05

just pass with the right amount of intervention

20:08

and like the right amount of like keeping

20:10

you from doing whatever you feel you need to do.

20:12

And so I think that in order to address

20:16

suicidality and address mental health

20:18

crisis, especially like from

20:21

you know, what's called minority stress, right, Like from

20:23

the experiences that marginalized people have

20:26

in the society day in and day out. It

20:28

would require society to recognize

20:31

that it is profoundly unjust. Right,

20:33

It would require society to recognize that

20:36

suicidality and crisis are normal

20:38

and rational responses to the

20:40

way that people are being treated. And

20:42

that I think is the root of

20:45

actually addressing crisis. Is

20:47

people need to have social rights, people need to

20:49

have economic rights. Yeah, this is a really

20:51

reductive way of putting it, but it's like making

20:54

mental health care proactive instead of just

20:56

reactive. Right, And then

20:58

if you have that fundamental

21:00

understanding, right, I think

21:02

it's a lot easier to build systems that are actually

21:05

based on empathy

21:07

and based on actual understanding.

21:10

Um. You know, if you look at

21:12

mental health responses that exist in

21:14

other countries, they don't involve police at

21:17

all. You know, there's profound flaws with

21:19

every system, there's profound flaws with every

21:21

type of checking in on a person.

21:24

But I think that you know, one of the

21:26

best things we can do, and this is truly you know,

21:28

it's a band aid on a huge,

21:30

huge, gaping wound of injustice

21:32

in this country. Just be there for each

21:34

other. What's been your experience

21:37

with this? You know, like, have you had conversations about

21:40

other friends that your friend left behind? Obviously,

21:43

you know, one of the things many people experience

21:45

after someone ends their life is feelings

21:47

of regret or guilt. Is there something I could

21:49

have done differently? I've gone through all of

21:52

that um and

21:54

and I don't want to sort

21:56

of just dismiss those feelings either.

21:58

I want to take them seriously and say, Okay, what would

22:00

I learn? What would I take from this and apply to my

22:03

relationships moving forward? Are there moments

22:05

when I, you know, I

22:07

wish I would have asked more questions

22:10

or you know, responded in another way,

22:12

And so, you know, I just find myself

22:15

thinking, like, on an individual level, how

22:17

do I want my behavior to be towards

22:20

the people I love moving forward? But also

22:23

on a systemic level, what about

22:25

this society failed alex? And what would

22:27

I like to see transformed? I guess,

22:30

yeah, I think those are all really good questions. And

22:33

I think, you know, it's very

22:35

easy, right in retrospect

22:38

to find ways that something

22:41

could have been in your power right to

22:43

to adjust or to change um.

22:46

And it's useful to think going forward,

22:48

like how can I be more intentional

22:51

about like listening to or being there for my friends

22:53

and loved ones? You know, what are things

22:55

that I could be paying attention to in terms

22:57

of just being a better source of support, not

23:00

necessarily with like the lens

23:02

towards my friends might die if I

23:04

don't do this, but just in general, right

23:07

because we're all going through absolutely horrific

23:09

times right now. We're all struggling

23:12

right now, you know, in different ways. In terms

23:14

of how to have better conversations about

23:16

this. I think it's just a matter

23:18

of putting the blame where it belongs. It's very,

23:21

very very easy for us when

23:23

we're talking to a person we care

23:25

about in crisis, to

23:27

blame the person in crisis or

23:30

to take the onus on yourself right and say, oh,

23:32

there's maybe maybe there's something I can do, because

23:35

it helps you feel in control, It helps you

23:37

feel like there must be something that this person

23:39

can do to pull themselves up by their bootstraps

23:41

and not feel this way. But I think that

23:43

acknowledging that we exist

23:46

under very unjust and deeply

23:48

traumatizing circumstances especially for marginalized

23:50

people. UM helps

23:52

us to have more candid, more honest, and

23:55

in the end, more fruitful conversations

23:57

about how to survive it. A

24:01

big part of why I'm so scared Alice might

24:03

disappear is that we've connected

24:05

online, a space that can

24:07

be immensely freeing, as it

24:09

was for Alex, but that also makes it easy

24:12

to disappear. I asked

24:14

Ivy about why people seek support

24:16

in spaces where they can be anonymous,

24:18

like the Internet. If

24:20

you know that there is a possibility that if you say

24:23

the wrong thing, somebody's going to come

24:25

and either interact with

24:27

you against your consent, or take you away somewhere,

24:30

bring law enforcement to your door, you're

24:32

just simply less likely to trust that resource,

24:34

and you're less likely to be honest with

24:36

somebody who's supposed to be supporting you. So

24:39

truly, that's really the foundational

24:41

element of that trust.

24:45

Ultimately, I think that's why Alex

24:47

went online in search of anonymous spaces

24:50

where he could share what he was struggling with in

24:52

ways he didn't even always share with those

24:54

of us who knew him offline. He

24:57

could trust them to keep his secrets. It's

25:00

also why I want to talk to Alice, not

25:03

to ask for his secrets, but to find

25:05

out if that's true, if they

25:07

shared that kind of trust. But

25:09

I completely understand that she has

25:11

no reason to trust me. I

25:15

tell the Thor Daniels group that Alice says

25:17

she's pulling out of our interview. Hoping

25:20

to put her at ease, do I records

25:22

a video appealing to her directly for me to

25:24

pass along. It opens

25:26

with him holding a banana to his ear like a

25:28

phone. Oh hey, banana,

25:31

Alice A long time not see? This

25:33

is actually not a prop, but I do commedy

25:37

well. I'm here to give you pros

25:39

and cons of being on Where's Alice

25:41

episode on the podcast. First

25:43

of all, it has your name in it, so

25:46

your nickname, so I think the star

25:48

should always show up. That's like coming

25:50

sense. Second of all, a minute

25:52

I just did in my part with Chris and it

25:54

was like a chill vibe. So um,

25:57

I was in shed on tying each other when you were with

26:00

Alex And let me tell you, like,

26:02

the only thing I would really like for us to collaborate

26:04

on the show is to bring the

26:07

memories back. You know, people can take everything

26:09

away from you, but they but they can never take

26:11

memories away. And now that Alex is gone,

26:13

it's kind of like something

26:15

that we all just have his memories

26:18

and well our members of him.

26:20

It would be weird if we have his memories, cause,

26:22

like del I don't know what I'm saying,

26:24

but what I'm trying to say is

26:26

that it was such a fantasy that

26:28

you perform in that tiny chot

26:30

because we thought for a minute it was real, Like

26:33

is it really Brittany? You know about

26:35

people? Maybe it will give people like

26:38

moment about they listen to it and like, don't

26:40

you love that moment? I do.

26:45

Later that day while I wait for her to respond,

26:47

James mentions he's found something interesting

26:50

in one of the last text Alex sent him

26:52

about a year before he ended his life. As

26:55

it turns out, it's a photo

26:57

of Alex next to a taxidermy

27:00

bear in a pink wig. We

27:02

hop on video chat to talk about it. He

27:05

said to selfie, I said, you look great, but can we

27:07

also please talk about the bear in the pink wig behind

27:09

you? What's her name? Um? And

27:12

he said Alice? He said what he

27:14

said, Alice? What

27:17

the hell? The skeptic in me wants

27:19

to be like, Alice is a common name,

27:21

but the other part of me is like, even

27:24

if it's just subconscious, the fact

27:26

that this name Alice is like what springs to

27:28

mind for him when you're like, what's the name

27:30

of this bear in the Brittany wig? Well,

27:32

that's the thing. Like, immediately after he said the bear's

27:35

name is Alice, he sent me a photo of

27:37

a closer shot of the bear in the pink wig,

27:39

and then photo shopped really poorly. Right next to

27:41

it is Britney Spears in the pink wig. Like

27:44

it's not a coincidence. It

27:46

might seem trivial, but to me, it feels

27:48

like confirmation that Alice really was

27:51

still on Alex's mind. In the end, I

27:53

want to tell her about it, but as

27:55

far as I know, she's still not planning

27:58

on talking. Midway

28:01

into our chat, James and I take a bathroom

28:03

break. When I get back to my computer,

28:06

I have a new notification. Are

28:09

you there? Hey, I'm back if you are,

28:12

I just sat down. First

28:14

of all, Okay, I

28:16

have to share this because it literally has just happened

28:19

right now as we're talking. But I just heard back from

28:21

Alice. She's

28:23

watched to do his video. She said,

28:25

Oh, sweetheart, thank him so

28:27

much for trying to help me gain the strength to participate

28:30

in this. I appreciate it more than y'll know. I'm

28:32

just extremely anxious when it comes to this

28:34

stuff. That's why I never came back, like

28:37

never came back online. She was

28:39

gone for years and she only just came

28:41

back, like right when I was looking for her. Oh

28:46

gosh, I'm just I've had

28:48

a stomach ache for the last three days

28:50

straight. I can't I

28:52

can't imagine. I'm not going to respond

28:54

her immediately because I feel like this

28:57

is such an online thing. I feel like I'm responding

28:59

to her too quickly. It's

29:01

like I'm texting with somebody who

29:03

I just met on an app or something. I'm like

29:05

feeling like I'm responding too quickly. I

29:07

don't want to be. I'm trying to play it cool, you know, like you're

29:10

texting Alex on Instagram, like afraid he's just going

29:12

to disappear good. I

29:15

don't end up waiting all that long because

29:17

I'm afraid she'll slip between my fingers.

29:20

We're still technically scheduled to talk

29:22

the next morning, but as we chat, she's

29:24

cag about whether she'll show just

29:27

two hours before the time we originally

29:30

said. She says she'll be there.

29:33

I decided to go for a walk to calm down. It's

29:36

January and the ground is coated in ice

29:38

from a melt and refreeze. I'm

29:40

nervous, I'm cold, I'm

29:42

holding a piping hot coffee, and I

29:45

wipe out hard. My

29:48

left knee is bruised and blood blisters

29:50

are forming on the hand. I used to try and catch

29:52

myself, but I'm able to get up and hobble

29:55

home. There's no way I'm

29:57

missing this call. I

30:00

sit down at my computer and stare at the

30:03

screen with zoom open. I'm

30:05

hesitant to do anything else while I wait

30:07

in case. Alice only flits on the screen

30:09

for a second and I miss her. A

30:13

few minutes after our agreed upon meeting time,

30:16

another user appears in the room.

30:19

Like me, they've got their video turned

30:21

off, but unlike

30:23

my blank zoom avatar, there's

30:25

an image the photo

30:28

of Brittany in that Alice in Wonderland

30:30

Halloween costume. You

30:33

have to forgive me, but I know that you were

30:35

expressing how nervous you were. I

30:37

don't know if it helps any but I'm nervous to talk to

30:39

you too. It's really sweet

30:42

that you too, work so hard to

30:44

find me, you know, and tell me.

30:47

I just feel like there was a reason why he, you

30:49

know, sent me the audio of

30:51

you guys talking um in his goodbye

30:54

email, and I just really wanted

30:56

to find you. So I'm just very emotional about

30:58

having found you, and I really appreciate your

31:00

openness to talking with me, so thank

31:02

you. Yeah. Do you

31:05

know I really cared about

31:07

him.

31:09

That voice, it's

31:11

Alice, it's really her. When

31:15

you contracted me, I still

31:17

didn't know what his

31:20

real name was, but that

31:22

didn't matter. You know. That's

31:24

so interesting though, because you guys talked about such

31:27

personal stuff. Yeah,

31:29

yeah, we would, but not the not

31:32

the small stock details,

31:33

No, no, nothing

31:36

like that. So was it mostly

31:38

like about stuff

31:40

that you guys were struggling with or

31:42

just like sharing where you were at? Sometimes

31:45

it was um, but sometimes

31:48

it was also just you know, our favorite

31:50

movies and just music and yeah,

31:52

or Taco Bell. Yeah

31:55

we're talking things

31:57

like that. Yeah, he loved Taco

31:59

Bell. It's

32:02

weird, so weird to talk about

32:04

him like this, you know, like in

32:06

past tense, and it's

32:09

hard just can't

32:11

believe it. We

32:14

talked about our grief for a while, But I also

32:17

have a million questions. I

32:19

asked about her voice. It's

32:22

really how she talks, she says. I

32:24

ask if she's brittany. She says

32:27

she's not. I asked

32:29

if she knew she sounded like her before

32:31

the chats. She had a sense

32:33

before a friend encouraged her to join in, she

32:35

says, but it wasn't until she was there

32:37

that she realized just how similar

32:40

they sound. But

32:42

mostly I want to know about her relationship

32:44

with Alex. This was no fleeting

32:46

connection, she explains. They

32:49

kept in touch for years, mostly

32:51

over text, but they would also talk on the phone,

32:53

sometimes for hours. They

32:56

understood one another in a very special

32:58

way, she says. The conversations

33:00

were like therapy open

33:03

honest. No,

33:06

he really understood. But

33:09

I was going through like we had similar issues

33:13

really, you know, with a deep depression

33:16

and stuff like that. You

33:18

know, he really understood when a

33:20

lot of people, you know, they try to understand,

33:23

but they don't, you know, if

33:25

they haven't gone through that type

33:27

of depression. And there's just so much

33:30

you know, therapy can do because you know,

33:32

they're professionals and stuff like that. But when

33:34

it comes to like a person who really

33:36

like understands, you know, there's

33:39

nothing like that, nothing can be

33:41

that. Is that part of why

33:44

you would go online? Like

33:47

were you going into because I know that's something

33:49

Alex did, was he would go online to like connect

33:51

with people and there was almost something about

33:54

the anonymity of it that helped

33:56

him feel more open to

33:58

be able to share. Is that was that kind of

34:00

your experience too? Yeah?

34:03

I think so. And because

34:05

of circumstances like I

34:08

didn't really have access to my friends

34:10

and stuff like that, so I would go

34:12

on there and

34:15

I would, like I had friends

34:17

there. We would you know, we would

34:19

hang out and it's like

34:21

talk about all these things, you

34:23

know, and it didn't matter really

34:25

that it was on the internet because

34:29

it felt it felt real. I

34:31

mean, it is real. Um.

34:33

You said when you talked a couple of times, it was like for hours.

34:36

Was that was it like one of those things where you just sort

34:38

of almost lose track of time because the

34:40

conversation is going so many ways. Yes,

34:44

sort of like you know when

34:47

you're in love, you

34:49

know, you lose track of time and you

34:51

start talking and nothing

34:54

and like nothing can

34:56

stop you it's kind of like that. But

34:59

obviously where you love. I

35:01

mean, it sounds like you guys loved

35:03

each other. Yeah,

35:06

I loved him.

35:09

Alex and Alice fell out of touch when he dropped

35:11

out of most everyone else's lives. But

35:13

as it turns out, it's in part because

35:15

Alice changed her number around the same time

35:18

Alex did. Can

35:22

stop thinking about it, you know, like,

35:24

why did I change my number that last

35:27

time? Exactly

35:29

when he did. He

35:31

couldn't find me and I couldn't find him.

35:35

Both of us just thought, you know, the other one one in

35:37

space. And

35:39

the thing is he did not want to

35:42

be found, you know, I mean, that

35:44

was what he wanted, was to disappear.

35:47

You know. I tried texting him and

35:49

I I just never heard back. He

35:51

had a very dark view of the

35:53

world sometimes. Can

35:56

you say more about that? I'm interested in what he

35:58

shared with you about it. I don't

36:00

know if he thought this all the time, but sometimes

36:02

he would say, you know that the world was an evil

36:04

place and he wasn't happy.

36:08

Yeah, try to tell

36:10

him not to be so negative. You know, Alison

36:13

Alex would share their darker truths with one another

36:16

when they talked, because that's just how they both

36:18

were. They would talk about the big things,

36:20

their mental health, their views of the world,

36:23

the meaning of life. Sometimes

36:25

like it was so deep, like about God or

36:27

the universe or stuff like that.

36:30

She loved listening to him talk about

36:33

anything. It's

36:35

hard to find the words to

36:37

describe him. Like you said, he was very

36:39

unique. He was very mysterious

36:43

and really sweet. M

36:46

very smart, very

36:49

very smart, one of the smartest people. He

36:51

had an opinion about everything. It

36:55

wasn't unusual for them to go awhile without

36:57

talking, though. They would drift apart,

37:00

sometimes for really long stretches, but

37:02

they would always find their way back to one another

37:04

eventually. Whenever they

37:06

reunited, they dive right back

37:09

into the deep end. He

37:11

didn't like small talk, you know, so,

37:13

No he didn't. We never, you

37:15

know, did that, how are you? And what's

37:18

going on with you and stuff like that. We would just

37:20

jump right into conversation. He

37:23

had no taste for small talk

37:25

at all and just wanted to talk about

37:27

what was real. Yeah, I was really

37:30

like that. That's why he kept

37:32

us in this life. Yeah,

37:34

I think so. It

37:36

wasn't all serious though. Alex

37:38

always knew how to make Alice laugh. He

37:42

knew when to be the

37:44

funny guy totally. I

37:47

think he could feel it if you were

37:49

in a bad place. He

37:51

would offer his humor to Alice as

37:53

a gift, like he did for me in all

37:55

the video messages and memes he sent whenever

37:58

I was having a hard time. But

38:01

while some people made Alex feel like they

38:03

only valued him when he was the life of

38:05

the party, he didn't have to put

38:07

up a front with Alice. I

38:09

think that he knew that he didn't have

38:11

to be the funny tie with me. It's

38:17

bittersweet, but I am so

38:19

grateful to know that she and Alex really

38:21

were friends, that it wasn't just some

38:23

random brief interaction years ago.

38:29

I still can't believe I really thought I

38:31

wasn't going to find you. I'm so happy that

38:33

I did. I wonder if

38:36

there's a reason that he chose

38:38

to find me. Yeah,

38:41

I don't know. Maybe he maybe

38:45

didn't give up because

38:48

he knew it would be hard. He

38:51

knew it would drive me up the wall. I

38:55

know I've said this like twenty times, but I really

38:58

just I'm so sorry.

38:59

Yeah, So

39:09

okay, hi everyone, Um,

39:12

So I did talk to Alice this morning. Did

39:20

just Moments after I've hung up with Alice, I'm

39:22

on a call with the Thor Daniels group, who

39:24

were all eagerly waiting to hear from me.

39:27

So we

39:31

talked literally up till ten minutes

39:34

before I got on this call with all of you. So

39:36

we talked for like. They asked the obvious

39:38

burning questions. What was her voice?

39:41

It was the same, It was the Brittany voice.

39:43

Yeah, like that,

39:47

that's insane. Wow. We

39:49

debate a bit about whether or not she's Brittany

39:51

because we're all clinging onto the fact that it's still Actually

39:54

it's

39:57

not very long. It could be,

39:59

though, right, I mean, anything is

40:01

ply possible. But I

40:04

really don't think it's Brittany. I'm

40:07

pretty convinced she isn't. But in a funny

40:09

role reversal, my friends have now become

40:11

the skeptics, and they are grilling

40:13

me. Do you have her phone number?

40:17

Have been late? Did

40:19

she live in l A? Why do you all

40:21

your little details? You

40:23

want to know her? And look, in the end, I

40:26

can't prove she isn't Brittany.

40:28

I didn't do some of the things Kerry would probably

40:30

advise me to do in order to verify her identity.

40:34

I just got enough information to confirm they

40:36

for sure knew one another, and the rest I take

40:38

on faith. It's

40:40

not what's important to me. And also

40:43

I want to honor her friendship with Alex and

40:45

the fact that they both sought out anonymous connections

40:47

online. Even though they shared

40:50

deep parts of their lives, he never shared

40:52

his actual name, and I don't want to pry

40:54

into the details she's chosen to withhold

40:56

either, So I take

40:58

her at her word that she's being honest. I

41:01

set aside my skepticism and adopt

41:03

the kind of faith Alex did when he logged

41:05

on, because to me, what

41:08

matters most, what is most

41:10

real, isn't found in

41:12

her name or any other detail about

41:14

her life or identity. It's

41:16

in hearing about the connection she and Alex

41:18

shared and then sharing that with other

41:21

people who loved him too. This

41:24

is like the best ending to this. Yada's

41:28

incredible. I can't believe it, really,

41:31

Christ congratulations on finding Alice.

41:34

Thank you, Thanks everyone, all

41:36

of you for all your help. From

41:40

being nice, it's Alice. Bit.

41:45

When Alex entered our lives, many

41:48

of us were worried about following life's

41:50

rules, but he helped us

41:52

see another possibility, another

41:55

way of being in the world. I

41:57

think that's one of the reasons why many of us

42:00

where his friend is because even

42:02

like if I knew, I was like still

42:04

on my path, even just like spending

42:07

a week with Alex was like a vacation

42:09

from that path, and it just always felt

42:11

like so good. People

42:14

might look at Alex's wandering life

42:16

and all of his online games and think

42:18

he was irresponsible, But

42:21

while exploring Alex's digital life

42:23

and talking to his friends, I've

42:25

come to realize that he just had a different

42:28

understanding of what it means to be responsible.

42:31

Like, well, I was prioritizing my career,

42:34

Alex was prioritizing

42:36

me. I think that Alex

42:40

didn't see value when a lot of things that

42:42

society asks us to put our time

42:44

into. But he valued

42:47

his friendships, you know, And he didn't

42:49

have that many friendships because

42:53

he only wanted

42:55

to keep people around who he really really

42:57

cared about and loved and

42:59

like those people were incredibly special

43:02

to him, and he made

43:04

a point of keeping in touch

43:06

with them and making them laugh and sending them

43:08

things. This was something

43:10

he did for all of us. Yes,

43:13

he could disappear, but he

43:15

would always seem to resurface at the exact

43:17

moment you needed him.

43:19

When James had a health scare a few years

43:21

ago, Alex was right there with

43:24

him in his typical way, sending

43:26

a steady stream of texts and memes

43:29

while I was in the hospital, and especially like the two

43:32

nights I was like overnight in the ICU UM,

43:35

he and I were messaging constantly, and I would

43:37

not have gotten through that week without him

43:39

literally staying up all night with me, just like messaging

43:41

me and checking in and seeing how I was doing. And you

43:44

just like sending funny bad picture I

43:46

like, said him. I sent him a selfie

43:48

of myself like when I was in the I see you um

43:51

attached to all this ship. And he

43:53

replied back, can you just post

43:55

that on Instagram and say goodbye? Because

43:57

I looked like I was tying. Is

44:00

cracked me the hell up. This

44:03

was part of why Alex was always posting

44:05

so much funny stuff online. It

44:07

helped him deal with his own sadness and

44:10

bring light to others too. Sometimes

44:13

you could really see through his videos that

44:15

he's having a bad day, but he's

44:18

just doing Like a performance for Britney

44:20

Dancing is therapy. I think for

44:22

Alex it was like, I think that was his

44:24

salt let to deal with everything.

44:28

But whether you saw one of his memes or

44:30

laughed with him on a roller coaster, you always

44:32

felt his love. Alex

44:35

had that energy about him that you could just

44:37

open and everything you said

44:39

it's kind of normal and there's no being

44:42

smart about it, is just pure compassion.

44:44

He really understood people. After

44:48

he died, all of us in Team Thor Daniels

44:51

came across so many other people he'd

44:53

helped along the way, and there were many

44:55

many more we couldn't even track down. He

44:59

would drop in and out of people's lives. But

45:01

even if he didn't keep every single person

45:03

he met in his orbit forever, for

45:05

Alex, connecting with and supporting

45:07

other people was everything, the

45:10

driving force of his life. When

45:13

the most important thing in your life is

45:15

to find connection and meaning and

45:19

meaning through connection with

45:21

very little regard for anything else in

45:24

career, it's imperative

45:27

that you find people that understand

45:29

you. Even

45:31

though he's gone, it's like he's still

45:33

offering us that understanding and

45:36

still helping us learn the lessons he taught

45:38

us while he was here. Beth

45:40

recalls one moment, in particular, the summer

45:42

after Alex died, she'd been seeing

45:45

someone who turned out to be kind of

45:47

a dick. This guy that I was sort

45:49

of dating loosely basically

45:51

turned on NPR and I was still talking to him because

45:53

he asked me to stay for coffee the next morning. So I'm talking

45:55

to him, He's like, could you He kind of like cuts

45:58

me off, like shut up, and

46:00

he's like, why don't you check out the porch? Like he basically

46:02

banished me to the porch, this man. So

46:05

I go on the porch. I'm sitting there and drinking this coffee,

46:07

and I'm looking out into the hills

46:10

and I just started crying, not sobbing,

46:12

just silently crying, thinking of at Alex and him

46:14

saying, like, you should be with a

46:16

guy who treats you well. I

46:19

think sometimes when I'm

46:21

in nature or a you're looking at

46:23

that, like, I definitely think of him,

46:25

and h I should have totally never

46:27

talked about guy again, But don't worry. I'm sure I stayed

46:29

a couple of extra weeks. Um. Now

46:36

I can add one more person to the list of people

46:38

who Alex connected with, people who

46:40

helped him feel understood and who

46:42

he helped in so many other rule

46:44

shattering ways in return someone

46:47

else who is still carrying Alex with them

46:49

too. He really understood,

46:52

but I was going through like a lot of people,

46:55

you know, they try to understand but they

46:57

don't. But when comes to

47:00

like a person who really like understands,

47:03

you know, there's nothing like that. Nothing

47:06

can be paid. One

47:11

night, not long after finding Alice, I

47:13

ask Lexi if she has any other audio

47:16

or video messages from Alex I might not know

47:18

about. She forwards three voicemails.

47:21

The first I play is when he left on Lexi's

47:23

birthday. Well,

47:25

well, well, looks like someone's going to have to change

47:27

their voicemail from their twenty

47:29

nine year old voice to their third or

47:32

third or third or first or first or

47:34

third or third orth or thirst or thirst

47:36

thirst thirty year old voice. Because

47:39

that's you today, because it's March seventeen.

47:42

It is currently well

47:44

phone one am, and this is

47:46

your friend Alex. I just wanted to wish you

47:49

happy birthday. It's a

47:51

happy thirthday for me to you, Happy

47:53

birthday, Happy birthday. You know he's

47:55

thirties and forty and then fifty

47:58

soon will be eighty will happen. Then I

48:00

love you. As

48:03

the message continues, Alex does something

48:05

a little unusual for him.

48:07

He talks with Hope about the

48:09

future. I

48:11

Hope you're just stuff in your face with some entire

48:14

food, but you know, in like a mature way,

48:16

because you're thirty now. So I

48:18

think we're gonna have to lower our voices a bit and

48:21

just kind of make it work. You know. We're just gonna

48:23

go with the flow. Um,

48:25

We're going to get it together, you know. I can

48:27

feel it that these are gonna be our years. These

48:29

are going to be our years where we discover ourselves,

48:32

you know, and then when we turn forty, we'll be like, wow,

48:34

what was that all about in our thirties, But

48:37

it'll be like really really healthy,

48:39

just to get to know ourselves, to know

48:41

each other, and to know how each of

48:43

us as individuals fits into

48:45

this world. Because things are just crazy,

48:48

you know. And I think that three

48:51

is a charmed you know, and two

48:53

is not the same. I don't see

48:55

the harm. So are you game? Let's

48:57

make a team, make them say my name. He

49:01

may have started quoting Brittany lyrics there at

49:03

the end of it, but I'm focused on something

49:05

else. It's painful

49:07

to hear Alex talk about something he'll never

49:10

do, grow old. There's

49:13

also something really beautiful about it, though.

49:16

It reminds me that, at least in moments,

49:18

Alex could imagine a future in which he

49:20

was happy. As

49:23

I listened to a Lexi's voicemails, a light bulb

49:25

goes off. I remember that for three

49:27

years I used a free digital voicemail

49:29

service that would email me audiophiles and transcripts

49:32

of my messages. I hadn't

49:34

used the account in half a decade, but when I

49:36

log into the voicemail service, I find

49:38

over a dozen messages from Alex.

49:41

A lot of them are him singing Britney songs

49:46

bloo

49:56

he thought you knew both if you something,

49:59

now you know well tonight A bugo

50:01

mash makes the boogo to match

50:04

about if they aren't him singing Brittany.

50:06

Most of them include at least a nod

50:08

to her. Hey

50:11

is Alex, Um, I'm just calling me

50:14

because I am Brittany Jean, I

50:17

am your mother, I am your friends,

50:20

I am funny, I am your life. Um

50:23

m hmm, well

50:26

you know, and I'm also just calling because I love you. When I missed

50:28

you. Most of them are

50:30

funny, but then acred

50:34

Alex. Um I just wanted

50:36

to say, hey, it's been

50:38

a while. I feel like I did every

50:40

about to suit if

50:43

they should be catch what

50:45

I'm doing. Another

50:48

funny Brittany reference, of course, but the

50:51

humor is overshadowed by a familiar

50:53

feeling guilt. I

50:56

hear him saying it's been a while

50:58

and that that was common, and I

51:00

begin to tell myself, See, you

51:03

were a bad friend, not there

51:05

for him, the same thoughts I

51:07

had the first moment I saw his goodbye email

51:09

in my inbox. But

51:11

then the message continues. There

51:15

I love you and say and thinks being a good

51:17

friend and loves to really filed

51:20

you. I love you right.

51:26

In the year after Alex died, I kept

51:28

telling myself this story that I had

51:30

failed him, that I had been a

51:32

neglectful friend, that he went

51:35

online in search of understanding because

51:37

I hadn't been the friend he needed. But

51:40

here he was, in his own voice, saying

51:43

otherwise, another gift.

51:46

The truth is I went looking for Alice because

51:49

I wanted her to have significance, whether

51:51

she was Brittany or not, though of course

51:53

part of me did really want Alice to be

51:55

Brittany, because it'd be this affirmation

51:57

that Alex was special, and

52:00

in turn that I was special too,

52:03

That he sent these files to me as a

52:05

way of saying he trusted me with this amazing

52:08

secret. I used

52:10

to scoff at some of the commenters on Britney's

52:12

Instagram posts, but now I understand

52:14

them. We're all searching for

52:16

meaning in the mundane video.

52:21

When Alex died, I felt like everything

52:23

was out of my control. Things

52:26

I couldn't go back and change about the past,

52:28

and so much I didn't understand

52:31

about the present. But if I

52:33

could keep moving, picking, searching,

52:36

maybe I could outrun my uncertainties,

52:38

regrets and questions, or even

52:41

uncover some critical meaning something

52:43

I had missed, some key to

52:46

unlock the entire puzzle. As

52:49

long as I was investigating, it felt

52:51

like maybe there was still more to learn,

52:53

to discover, more to the story,

52:56

some new detail that would make me

52:58

feel better. But sometimes

53:01

the story is just done, even

53:03

if it doesn't end how you thought or hoped

53:05

it might, even if you still

53:08

feel unresolved. The

53:10

coaster reaches its summit, drops,

53:13

you do the loops, and then it's

53:15

time to get off. The rides over.

53:19

My search through Alex's online wonderland

53:21

is done, and now I have to keep

53:23

moving forward with all my uncertainties

53:26

and sadness. But I

53:28

can see now that new stories are

53:30

already flowering. They're

53:32

in everything and everyone Alex

53:34

left behind, in Alice, in

53:37

show She, in Bath and James

53:39

and Dua and Lexi. They're

53:42

in all the people far beyond this little circle,

53:44

the countless people whose lives Alex

53:46

touched. Some I'm fortunate enough to know,

53:48

and others I've yet to meet. They're

53:51

in Brittany and the outpouring of love

53:53

for her that's happened in the time since Alex

53:56

died, in the rest of the world,

53:58

catching up with the humanity that ale son

54:00

her years ago. And they

54:02

are flowering in Knee In

54:04

all the places this search took me, and

54:07

places still undiscovered, places

54:09

where I've locked away other pieces of

54:11

my love for Alex, they

54:14

are there, little stories, still unread,

54:17

constellating a meaning I do not yet

54:19

understand, waiting patiently

54:21

for the moment I need them.

54:26

Alex is there, too, as real to me

54:28

now as ever in my

54:31

archives. He's still laughing at how

54:33

serious I am, how eagerly

54:35

I look for meaning everywhere, how

54:38

desperately I cling to the things that I

54:40

think will make me important and worthy

54:43

and loving me anyway. Our

54:46

texts, tweets, Instagram,

54:48

messages, emails, those SoundCloud files

54:50

he sent me without context, they

54:52

now serve as a kind of map. I can go

54:55

back to, one that charts out the lessons

54:57

he taught me, one that will help

54:59

me make my way through a world without him.

55:02

In these little digital fragments Alex

55:05

left behind, he is still here,

55:07

still telling me to stop trying so hard

55:10

to impress everyone, to just

55:12

relax and be myself. He

55:14

is still here, offering me understanding

55:18

and showing me how to be real by example.

55:22

I didn't know it when I began, but looking

55:24

for Alice was my way of charting

55:26

a map back to Alex. But

55:29

the roadways were there all along. There's

55:33

one voicemail I've played little bits of a couple

55:36

of times throughout this show. It's

55:38

one I keep going back to again and again,

55:40

like I first did with those SoundCloud files,

55:43

here's the full thing going.

55:49

I know you kind of clue what

55:52

to do with the

55:55

chick. What you are?

55:58

What you are? They? You

56:01

know what I'm saying. Sorry, I've

56:03

send like you know whatever. But first

56:05

of all, I live a new microphone now and no one ever

56:07

returns phone calls or ever hangs out, so

56:10

I must like a little bitch now. Also,

56:13

I was really depressed and really physically

56:15

ill, so you know, there

56:18

was no point in doing anything but

56:21

right now in this timer, I choo.

56:24

But you're another one. So what the book

56:27

can I still do with my life? I

56:29

don't know, but I hope you're

56:31

doing okay. Thinking

56:33

of you, loving you Sometimes

56:49

I don't know what the funk I'm supposed to do with

56:51

my life now that you're not around, Alex, I

56:54

think of you all the time. It's

56:57

bitter sweet, but lately it's more

56:59

sweet than bitter, because

57:02

you left so many gifts, not

57:04

just the Alice files that sent me chasing

57:06

after one of your strange mysteries, but

57:09

all the clues and questions you left,

57:12

things that pushed me to try and be more

57:14

myself like you always were. I'm

57:21

not done following your lead. Your

57:24

example has been one of the greatest

57:26

gifts of my life, and even

57:28

though I have to do so without you now, I'm

57:31

going to try to find the faith to keep building

57:33

on it. Thinking of you, loving

57:36

you Superstar alone.

57:46

The Woman

57:52

You

58:10

Unread is created, written, hosted,

58:13

and executive produced by me Chris Stedman.

58:15

Wow. Saying all that narrow has me feeling

58:18

very Mariah Carey. My co

58:20

executive producer is the visionary Bethan

58:22

Macaluso. Our story editor

58:25

is the iconic Aaron Edwards. Sound

58:28

designed by the tireless Dylan Fagan.

58:30

Music by the wildly creative erin Wong

58:32

Kaufman with additional music by

58:35

legends Ben Sara Tan and

58:37

Sadie Duqui of SAD thirteen. Logo

58:40

by the talented Jeff niaz Goda, with additional

58:43

artwork by Mike Queen, Lexi Newman, and

58:45

the wonderful Lucy Quintinia. Special

58:48

thanks, of course to Alice, and to

58:50

Alex's family and friends, especially

58:52

his mother and father, show she Lexei,

58:55

Beth Doua James, and all of the incredible

58:58

people who loved Alex. I'm so

59:00

grateful to each and every one of you. Thanks

59:03

also to everyone at my Heart, Josh

59:06

ln Gren, at c A. A. Shelby

59:08

Lano, Christina Everett, Emily Marinoff

59:10

and the Unread team for bringing Brittany's Instagram

59:13

comments to life I v Stacklow,

59:15

Dave Holmes and Carry Poppy for offering

59:18

critical perspective, Alexis

59:20

O'Brien at the American Foundation for Suicide

59:22

Prevention for doing a sensitivity listen,

59:25

Marissa Brown for fact checking, and

59:27

many many others for support and assistance

59:29

along the way. And of course, above

59:32

all, else to Alex for completely

59:34

changing my life. I love and

59:36

miss you dearly. Have

59:39

you sifted through the digital fragments I loved

59:41

one left behind after their death and tried

59:43

to make sense of it all? Or are you doing so

59:45

now? Email us at Unread

59:48

Pod at gmail dot com or

59:50

give us a call at four eight four

59:53

three to one three three eight

59:55

two. We'd love to hear your story.

59:58

For photos, screenshots, me times, and

1:00:00

more things mentioned in this show, follow

1:00:02

us on Instagram or Twitter at Unread

1:00:05

Pod. Mmmmmmmmmmmm