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1:00

ABV. Podcasts,

1:33

there are millions Podcasts, a

1:35

are millions of them. Some might

1:37

say, too many. I have one already.

1:39

I don't have any, because there are

1:42

enough. Politics business, sport, you name it,

1:44

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of all. Why is that? Are they scared?

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Too afraid of being censored by the

1:57

man? O'Donnelly.

2:22

Welcome to What did you do

2:24

yesterday? Welcome

2:28

to season 2 episode 9 of What

2:30

Did You Do Yesterday? I think that's

2:32

what it is. David is here. Hello,

2:35

David. Hello, Max. I believe, I don't

2:37

care. Who cares about the numbers at

2:39

this point? It's just, it's entered into

2:41

the culture as maybe the most important

2:44

artifact of the 21st century so

2:46

far? Yeah, it's interesting you mention

2:48

artifact because this is the first

2:50

episode that actually has. potentially a

2:52

physical artifact. We're honest on this

2:55

podcast, we have just finished recording

2:57

with Tom Rosenthal and his yesterday

2:59

and there are two important things

3:01

to point out. One is his

3:03

dog at some point gets excitable.

3:06

So you may hear a dog

3:08

in the episode. The dog is

3:10

mentioned, it takes part in the

3:12

day, you will hear a dog

3:14

at some point, which is fine.

3:16

The second point is that Tom

3:18

documented his day with a PDF.

3:21

In most episodes, David, we're

3:23

asking people, and then what

3:25

happened next, basically? Yeah. Yeah,

3:27

yeah. Because in this episode,

3:30

we are talking through the

3:32

PDF that is sent to

3:34

us. We are referring to

3:37

images, diagrams, slides, screenshots. What

3:39

I like about this episode

3:41

is we want this to

3:44

be about the guests. And

3:46

of course, we are but

3:48

here to facilitate the guests.

3:50

And this. could not be more

3:52

Tom Rosenthal. You know,

3:54

this is basically, you were to

3:56

zoom in on his DNA on

3:58

his double helix. You would see

4:01

this PDF document, I'm pretty

4:03

sure. Look, for those of

4:05

you that don't know, Tom

4:07

Roosevelt, he was in Friday

4:09

Night Dinner, in Plebs, he's

4:11

done lots of live shows,

4:13

he's of course in the

4:15

Reese James episode, he's eating

4:17

a lot of pineapple, and

4:19

he has a play out

4:22

by the way, called the

4:24

Government Inspector by Nikolai Gogol.

4:26

I mean, the culture, you

4:28

know, he probably knows it. And

4:30

it's good. If you are a completeness

4:32

to the podcast, you should have the

4:35

PDF while you're listening. I appreciate some

4:37

of you jog or drive while listening

4:39

to this, so it might be tricky.

4:41

But we will put a link to

4:43

download the PDF on the page on

4:45

the podcast. I think we'll put it

4:47

on yesterday, part the Instagram page. There

4:50

will be a link to it there.

4:52

But we're not going to do screen

4:54

grabs. We're going to do, you have

4:56

to download it properly. But Marsbar, producer

4:58

Marsbar, says if you want a

5:00

printed copy of the

5:02

PDF. If you send

5:05

a stamped address envelope

5:07

too. Keep it light.

5:09

PO Box 81668 London

5:11

N1P3W. Marsbar will send

5:13

you hard copy. Just

5:15

thinking of Morris Barr's

5:17

little fingers writing addresses

5:20

on the front of

5:22

envelopes. It's just it's

5:24

not the podcasting we

5:26

know, it's the new

5:28

podcasting that involves stamps,

5:30

letterboxes and writing. Can I

5:32

just quickly caveat that with first

5:35

five only if I get 400

5:37

requests for a PDF? First five.

5:39

Okay first five of it. First

5:41

five thousand as he said first

5:43

five thousand we'll get I think

5:45

it's worth saying no guest has

5:47

gone above and beyond as much

5:50

as Tom did to document his

5:52

entire day in a PDF and

5:54

here is me and David acting

5:56

very much like it made me

5:58

feel like we were with the

6:00

two lawyers in the OJ

6:03

Simpson trial. May I refer

6:05

you to slide one? The

6:07

first time you said it,

6:09

like slide five, I was

6:12

like, this is ridiculous.

6:14

Anyway, here's what Tom

6:16

did yesterday. Tom Rosenthal,

6:19

welcome to What Did

6:22

You Do Yesterday? Thank

6:24

you very much. Thank you.

6:26

Big fan of the podcast.

6:28

that you are doing. Good

6:30

to know and also this

6:32

is very exciting for David

6:34

now because you're the first

6:36

guest who has already been

6:39

the star of an episode. Yeah.

6:41

In many ways more of a

6:43

star than James was on. I

6:45

don't know if you've heard that

6:47

episode. Yep, yeah, I listen to

6:50

it, yeah. Yeah, yeah, right. Tom

6:52

do you feel you were fairly

6:54

represented in that episode as a

6:56

man who doesn't tell anyone it's

6:58

his birthday and eats over 500...

7:00

grams of pineapple. Sadly yes, yeah

7:03

no I couldn't really listen to

7:05

that. complaining. I suppose the only

7:07

complaint is that who I am has

7:09

been revealed. I don't like to do

7:11

a podcast talking about my life because

7:13

I am so strange, but now reasons

7:15

already sort of like told you how

7:17

strange. I feel like it's only my

7:19

right to go and explain fully with

7:21

a whole day of my own. Pandora's

7:23

box has been open. It really is,

7:25

yes. Yeah, and look, I suppose the

7:27

thing is I'm very excited about the

7:29

amount of pineapple eaten in what happened

7:31

yesterday and it doesn't matter to me

7:34

if it's none. or like three kilos.

7:36

But like that's, I'm not saying I'm

7:38

not looking forward to the whole day,

7:40

but I'm looking forward to by the

7:42

end of the day, you know, if

7:44

you go, and just before I went

7:46

to bed, I had six kilos of

7:48

pineapple. That's what I'm hoping for, I

7:50

don't write you, David. It would be

7:52

comitically satisfying, sure. I mean, obviously I

7:54

did texture the day before inquiring as

7:56

to whether I should eat pineapple for

7:58

comedic for comedic purposes, but I didn't.

8:00

architect that your audience has in their heads.

8:02

I wanted it to be an authentic day.

8:04

You know, sometimes I do. A huge amount

8:06

of fun if, well, sometimes I don't. So

8:08

you're just going to have to sort of

8:11

wait and see. I like that you did

8:13

ask that question, but it's also, from our

8:15

point of view, the prime directive for us

8:17

is not to influence the day. You know,

8:19

there's a back to the future element to

8:21

it. Except the time I asked Ed Gamble

8:23

to do a murder. during his yesterday, just

8:26

to liven up the podcast. He didn't, to

8:28

the best of my knowledge. The murder podcast

8:30

do do well to be fair. Is

8:32

your audience is going up or is

8:34

it flagging already? We need someone. We're

8:36

waiting for someone, you know, with real

8:38

author. We're waiting for like Christian Guru

8:40

Murphy to say, you know, then I

8:42

decapitated someone on the verge of the

8:44

North Circular. You should start doing the

8:46

podcast with very questionable characters, going into

8:48

prisons and stuff, you know, you have

8:50

more luck than just sort of idle

8:52

comedians. But no, I really much appreciate

8:54

being invited onto this avant-garde experiment in

8:56

Monday. I cannot wait for you to

8:58

interrogate my day. Well, actually, you know,

9:00

first off, I don't know whether this

9:02

has been broached. When do you think

9:05

yesterday started? When you woke up, the

9:07

moment you woke up. Yeah, but woke

9:09

up for good, like getting up for

9:11

a waz, unless something significant happens. You

9:13

know, we have had, Mark Watson has

9:15

drawn a clear line between the we

9:17

you take where you try not to

9:19

disturb the cortex to enter into a

9:21

state of decision making. So that's not

9:23

waking up, but waking up is, if

9:25

you were to say, brush your teeth

9:28

or something like that, you're up, baby.

9:30

So you're not defining it as just the

9:32

start of the day as in like midnight

9:34

onwards because my day is a strange one

9:36

for you guys then. I mean technically it

9:38

would start at 10.19 a.m. but I would

9:41

say that over half of my day has

9:43

already happened then. Honestly, in terms of events,

9:45

let me explain. I need to say your

9:47

document. Have you got the document? Yes, we've

9:49

got the document. Okay, so basically something that

9:52

really holds me back as a comedian is

9:54

that I have a sort of terrible terrible

9:56

memory and even though you are going to

9:58

ask me about what happened. yesterday. I

10:00

don't have enough faith in myself

10:03

to remember. So I've used a

10:05

direizing app called Day One. which

10:07

allows you to take a photo

10:09

or take a note at any

10:12

particular point in the day and

10:14

it will tell you exactly the

10:16

sort of time and location where

10:18

you took that photo or note.

10:21

So you can then review your

10:23

day with, I don't know, perhaps

10:25

a slightly more higher resolution lens

10:27

than you've been doing with guests

10:30

previously. It hadn't been my thought

10:32

to actually send you this, like

10:34

a sort of detect. So are you

10:36

saying Tom like rather than talk about

10:38

it on this podcast all of the

10:40

listeners we just send them the data

10:42

file we posted out? It would be

10:45

a lot easier for me As Reese's

10:47

episodes suggested, I'm not comfortable improvising. You

10:49

didn't send me a script. I don't

10:51

know anything that I'm supposed to say

10:53

in this. So I have no faith

10:55

this is going to be good unless

10:57

we have a real sort of bank

10:59

of data to work from. And that,

11:01

I think, the information that I've sent

11:03

you could constitute a script. Because yeah, I've

11:06

not really prepped anyone liners for this. And

11:08

that makes me feel uncomfortable. I've always thought

11:10

I can't be bothered to meet new people

11:12

anymore right and and as someone with like

11:15

young children who appeared to be getting older

11:17

you get invited to birthday parties for them

11:19

and that involves their parents and their new

11:21

people and I'd sort of can't be bothered

11:23

but at the same time I don't want

11:26

them to them to think that I'm an asshole

11:28

so I sort of make an effort but I

11:30

thought be really useful if in that situation everyone

11:33

just had a laminated piece of paper with their

11:35

kind of you know their A-level results.

11:37

their interests, what they do, and you

11:39

can just all arrive and hand them

11:41

over and take a little look and

11:44

think, okay, this could be worth person

11:46

doing with or not. And I feel

11:48

that's what you've done in a way,

11:50

so you've sent, I've opened it, but

11:52

I haven't looked at it, because I

11:54

don't want to see your day in

11:57

a PDF. I want to ask you

11:59

about it. I'll do my best to

12:01

answer without referring to the PDF.

12:03

You can refer to it. I

12:05

just don't want to look at

12:07

it yet. Essentially you're bringing a

12:09

sort of dating app vibe to

12:11

this. What is a dating app if

12:13

not? Here's a list of my vitals,

12:16

you know? What do you think? This

12:18

is everything that I've done in a day.

12:20

It's all the tweets that I've

12:22

looked at every single... Instagram Post,

12:24

I've proved so much detail. It's

12:26

data, it's nothing if not complete.

12:28

I mean it's not going to

12:31

be your funniest episode, but it

12:33

will certainly be the best. I'm

12:35

just looking through it. It is

12:37

really long. This is good stuff.

12:39

It's 22 pages. It's 22 pages,

12:41

but as you'll see, if you

12:43

get to page 11, that's when

12:45

I'm waking up at 10.19 a.m.

12:47

There's a lot of stuff that

12:49

happens before my official waker, which is

12:51

why I beg you to just start at

12:54

midnight. Otherwise, this episode could end pretty quick,

12:56

which it made you feel better, sure. Okay,

12:58

we're open-minded, I think, David. I mean, you

13:00

have just had a baby, and so I

13:03

understand the world you're in, I've just had

13:05

night, the second one. So if you want

13:07

to begin at midnight, you can begin

13:09

at midnight. Yes, well, so it's midnight.

13:11

And my baby, who's just turned 17

13:14

days old, was not to sleep. She's

13:16

not to sleep, and that is my

13:18

issue. Max, how do you make them

13:20

sleep? I don't understand why they don't

13:23

just go to sleep when they're tired.

13:25

What do you mean, you're tired, so

13:27

you're going to cry more? I know

13:29

you're a baby, but you can't be

13:31

that stupid. It's not understand that you

13:34

should sleep now. Do you know what's

13:36

funny is like there's this thing called

13:38

like the four-month regression and like their

13:40

sleep gets even worse and you're like

13:42

how can this regress to anything there's

13:44

nothing to regress right? Do you know

13:46

what I mean? Okay take me through

13:49

the four-month regression if you wouldn't mind

13:51

because I need to prep for this.

13:53

You just think you've worked it out

13:55

and then they fuck you and that's

13:57

my parenting it's probably for the whole

13:59

time. Okay so you have a little

14:01

boil girl and they're not sleeping. Yeah

14:04

and I'm doing all my techniques you

14:06

know which is sort of just bouncing

14:08

her on my legs you know given

14:10

a Coca-Cola yeah all the standard techniques

14:13

and yeah it's a struggle she definitely

14:15

prefers her mother her mother definitely has

14:17

a sort of temperament that has a

14:20

capacity to make her feel relaxed, but

14:22

whenever I'm on a night, I think

14:24

she just doesn't like it as much.

14:26

So we've got a sort of star-shaped

14:29

sleep suit, which apparently stops them from

14:31

kind of harming themselves, but doesn't look

14:33

entirely comfortable. And I empathize with her

14:35

situation. She's got a sort of a

14:37

caregiver who is doing his best, but

14:40

clearly is not prepared for this task.

14:42

And she's trying to do something that

14:44

she really wants to do, but apparently

14:46

doesn't have the sort of intellectual intellectual

14:49

capacity to understand how to understand how

14:51

to. What do you think it is,

14:53

Tom, do you think your energy is

14:55

just a little too big? You know

14:57

what I mean? Yeah, I'm testing out

15:00

my gags on her, sure, yeah,

15:02

my impressions. Frank Spencer. Honestly, I

15:04

don't know. I mean, it's very

15:07

hard to sort of read her.

15:09

You can see at 12-16 a.m. I decided

15:11

to let her lie in the bed and

15:13

she started hiccuping like a sort of cartoon.

15:15

And I feel like she often throws a

15:17

kind of curveball whereby like she'll look comfy

15:19

and then she's about to go to sleep

15:22

and I'll put her down and then she'll

15:24

be very upset about that. I'm not very

15:26

good at reading the behaviour of adults. So

15:28

I don't know how I'm supposed to do

15:30

it. Yeah. For someone who can't, you know,

15:32

even communicate in the language that I speak.

15:34

I see at 1216, if I can refer

15:36

you to the document slide one. Oh no,

15:39

please do. Whenever you want, you have

15:41

to do David is we have

15:43

to publish these so anyone listening

15:45

can follow along with it. Yeah, happy

15:47

to do that. 16 minutes

15:49

into the day that's starting

15:51

at midnight, decide to let

15:53

her lie in bed, she

15:55

starts hiccuping like a cartoon,

15:58

not really sure what to do. I

16:00

think you might be on the

16:02

wrong podcast for this as in

16:04

my colleague Max always claims that

16:06

whatever the golden touches he doesn't

16:08

quite habit so there's a sort

16:10

of a blind leading the blind

16:12

here. And as you can see

16:14

so that means at 1250 a.m.

16:16

I asked Chatuch in PT how

16:18

to make your baby go to

16:20

sleep. A swaddle side or stomach

16:22

position. shush swing. I mean, I

16:25

tried it all and honestly about

16:27

1 a.m. it did work. I

16:29

did a bouncing shush, I put

16:31

on my legs and I sort of

16:33

bounced her up and down and went

16:35

geez, geez, geez, kind of trying to

16:37

create a sort of white noise effect

16:40

and she did go to sleep. I

16:42

can send you a little photo of

16:44

her going to sleep for 10 minutes

16:47

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why Chevy Trucks camera Technology offers

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up to to eight of for me to question AI in any way, but AI

17:18

does suggest. I mean, I guess this

17:20

is what we're talking about. The shush,

17:22

which is point three of AI's

17:24

five point plan for getting her to

17:27

sleep. A noise or a gentle

17:29

shush mimics womb sounds. A hairdrier works

17:31

wonders, which is a lovely idea, but

17:33

you just blasting her with a

17:35

dyse. I was just going to say

17:38

on that 10 minute thing, any

17:40

parents listening will know when you

17:42

finally get them to sleep, that you

17:44

for you feel is just, you cannot

17:46

articulate. the absolute joy of the

17:48

silence and then 10 minutes later

17:50

for them to wake up it

17:52

is like being shot in the

17:54

face isn't it because you think

17:56

you've done it I don't understand

17:58

it man she seems So relax and

18:01

chill when she's in my arms.

18:03

And then I'll put her down

18:05

into her bed. And she's like,

18:07

oh, no, I'm not in your

18:09

arms anymore. And I'm going to

18:11

cry. I don't get it yet.

18:13

And honestly, you haven't given me

18:15

any faith that I ever will

18:17

get it. No, I don't even,

18:19

I don't even, I don't even,

18:21

30 days. So I'm doing my

18:23

best. So that's why basically my

18:25

day, you know, technically starts

18:27

at 2.21 1. 1. She fell asleep, 6.28 a.m. Yeah. That's a

18:30

good run. You shouldn't complain about this night, you got a four-hour stint

18:32

in there. She's done great, and yeah, she's also sort of largely on...

18:34

breast milk and she's chugged away quite a lot of that and then

18:36

you can sort of wake up and I see I've got a nice

18:38

sort of photo of my dog and my baby and everything looks easy

18:40

and nice. But then what happens is my girlfriend comes in to sort

18:42

of take over and I get to have my actual bedtime which is

18:44

when I go to sleep in the other room because we are sleeping

18:46

in sort of separate rooms whilst all this is going on and also

18:48

quite a lot of the time while it's not going on because it's

18:50

not going on. And it's not going on. And it's a lot of

18:52

a lot of a lot of a lot of a lot of a

18:54

lot of a lot of a lot of a lot of a lot

18:56

of a lot of a lot of a lot of like a lot

18:59

of a lot of a lot of a

19:01

lot of a lot of a lot of

19:03

a lot of a lot of a lot

19:05

of a lot of like a lot of

19:07

a lot of a lot of a lot

19:09

of a lot of a lot of a

19:11

lot of a lot of a lot of

19:13

Slide 5 features an idyllic picture of the

19:15

baby and the dog. Tell me about the

19:17

relationship between the... Does the baby ride the

19:19

dog like a tiny night sometimes? That is

19:21

the plan. We are going to start training

19:23

soon. But right now, no, the baby can't

19:25

walk or talk. So we thought it'd be

19:27

a bit tough to establish that. Yeah, and

19:29

now you leave the baby with the

19:31

dog for six hours every day. so

19:33

much better. Yeah, she's got the shush

19:35

down. So she's great with the hair

19:37

dryer. It's odd. Amazing dog. Look out.

19:39

The darkest hot baby hair to round

19:41

up sheep. It's a beautiful thing. So

19:43

628 is sort of is a handover

19:45

and then you get to go and

19:47

lie in bed. Wow, that's a moment,

19:49

right? I lie down. Did you not

19:51

get that sort of luxury? The sort

19:53

of if you've been up on the

19:55

night to have like a little the

19:57

morning nap. No, we were sort of all

19:59

in it. together. Are you saying that that

20:02

is that's wrong for me to do

20:04

that? Because I don't know what he's

20:06

right and what is wrong. I don't

20:08

think he should feel stressed about this.

20:10

What I want to know is Tom

20:12

when you then at 6 was at

20:14

628 it doesn't matter the precise time

20:16

do you fall asleep immediately and do

20:18

you have drink from the deepest most

20:20

wonderful cup of sleep that you have

20:22

ever tasted? Yeah, basically. Yeah, I just

20:24

hop across to the next bed and

20:26

have a lovely sleep and have a

20:28

really nice dream. I actually very rarely

20:30

dream. I'm getting quite worried about my

20:33

lack of ability to dream, but I

20:35

had a dream which I put in

20:37

the document as well. Could be your

20:39

first sort of subconscious contribution to this

20:41

podcast. I don't know. Has anyone else

20:43

talked about their dreams that they've had?

20:45

Not really, because we normally cut people

20:47

off for these... That's what you do

20:49

last night. Different podcast. Okay,

20:52

so we are at 1027

20:54

and you check your emails.

20:56

Oh yeah, so I've got

20:58

some royalties, which is Fab.

21:00

You can see that BBC

21:02

Studios distribution have paid me

21:04

for Friday night dinner series

21:07

to £59.74. The agency deductions

21:09

there, obviously 12.5% commission to

21:11

my agents, 7.47 pounds. VAT

21:13

on commission 1.49 pounds. So

21:15

I've been paid 50 pounds

21:17

78 to being in Friday

21:19

night dinner series too. Not a bad

21:22

day at work for me. You have

21:24

to say you're in it a lot.

21:26

You're in that show a lot. So

21:29

what is this a specific payment for?

21:31

Like you're getting juicy residuals every time

21:33

they put that show on. For goodness

21:36

sake. It's much more typical to receive

21:38

50 pounds, anything particularly juicy. You can

21:40

see on the invoice, it says royalties

21:43

royalties royalties for... digital video sales. So

21:45

I guess that's some people buying DVDs.

21:47

I don't know. Do people do that

21:50

anymore? I don't know the specifics as

21:52

to why I've received that about the

21:54

money. Interesting. Yeah. I'd say if you've

21:56

made 50 quid of DVD sales, given

21:59

that you know... people need to make

22:01

some stuff. Friday night is actually sold

22:03

a lot of DVDs in the last,

22:05

I think it's done pretty well. I

22:07

mean obviously I'm not going to go

22:09

on a podcast that's going to be

22:11

listened to by lots of people and

22:13

complain that actors don't get paid enough

22:15

royalties but it used to be a

22:17

very different like I think like even

22:19

like five to ten years before I

22:21

got into shows that invoice would have

22:23

been year five thousand pounds but they

22:25

sort of changed the contracts for actors

22:27

and streaming as sort of has sort

22:29

of killed that. So my residuals genuinely

22:32

are much more often 50 pounds

22:34

than anything more exciting than that,

22:36

which is why I'm comfortable talking

22:38

about this podcast. I haven't cut

22:40

out anything though. I want that

22:42

to be clear. I am not

22:44

protecting any of my own modesty

22:46

here. Believe me, I'm getting that.

22:48

That is definitely coming across here.

22:50

Is it possible this is just

22:52

a payment though for like Blu-rays

22:54

or you know what I mean?

22:56

I don't look into it, I

22:58

just get 50 pounds 78 and

23:00

think, brilliant, I'm going to buy

23:02

me some pineapple. Internetally, I'm asking for

23:05

3% off the back of this.

23:07

I'm an actor, so I get loyal

23:09

to, so whatever you get, both of

23:11

you have to email me and

23:13

go, here's 4P. In 2036, I'm expecting

23:16

that. I can't vote no on

23:18

my phone to transfer you 50 pounds

23:20

in a year in the year

23:22

2036. I'm very, very keen to do

23:24

that. Yeah, no, I've got high hopes

23:27

for this part. High hopes is

23:29

doing well. Tom, I hate to leave

23:31

the document for a moment, but I

23:33

am intrigued as to some of the

23:35

cracks that may exist between us, which

23:37

is before receiving the email, you presumably,

23:40

you know, you've got a hot bath,

23:42

it's got to run on fuel, and

23:44

yet we've been up. theoretically since midnight

23:46

and you haven't eaten anything you haven't

23:48

had a little drink so are you

23:51

just you've had your four hours sleep

23:53

do you just open your phone immediately

23:55

or do you go down a guy

23:57

like you who's probably made up a

23:59

sweet Greek yogurt meal of some kind.

24:01

No, you don't know me at all,

24:03

man. My intention with this day, right, was

24:06

because I love your podcast, but I don't

24:08

like the bits about food. I don't

24:10

like, it's nothing to do with your podcast.

24:12

I don't like food generally. I find it

24:14

boring. So what I was going to do

24:17

was just fast the entire day, so

24:19

we could cut out. I do feel we're

24:21

straying dangerously close to another one called parenting

24:23

hell though. I just thought that'd be great

24:26

so I can just get to the real

24:28

the real gold in my email box.

24:30

Yeah. I respect what you're doing

24:32

here Tom which is you're trying

24:34

to keep us away from other

24:36

successful podcast such as off-venue. I

24:38

do feel we're straying dangerously close

24:40

to another one called parenting hell

24:42

though. Oh I'm sorry I'm so

24:44

sorry for having a child. I'm

24:46

doing, I'm authentic. Okay. To be

24:48

fair to you, Tom, you didn't

24:50

know. nine and a half months

24:52

ago that you were going to

24:55

be booked for this podcast. So...

24:57

He's supposed to wait? That's not

24:59

a small friend. I heard Reese slamming

25:01

me as a weirdo and I thought

25:03

I can't get on this and prove

25:05

him right! My amazing girlfriend Judy didn't,

25:07

wasn't aware of my plan. So when

25:09

I woke up she actually brought me

25:12

some toast, some sour dough toast with

25:14

almond butter slathered on top of it.

25:16

And despite the fact that I wanted

25:18

to stay true to the bit, I

25:20

actually just caved and immediately. I'll pop

25:22

downstairs in the kitchen. I meant myself

25:24

some black coffee because I sort of

25:26

can't really think without that. And then

25:29

beyond that, I can't remember. So I'm

25:31

going to have to refer to

25:33

the PDF again. I'm afraid sorry.

25:35

That's okay. Referring to slide seven.

25:37

And I do like feeling a

25:39

bit like we are two high-ranking

25:41

barristers prosecuting and murder victim. Luke

25:43

McQueen has message to say that

25:45

Arsenal should have signed Rodrigo Moon is

25:48

from Fulham in January. I'm interested. Is

25:50

this the same Luke McQueen who lives

25:52

with Lou Simon? Yes, it is, yes.

25:54

It'd be amazing if it wasn't here.

25:57

I'm pleased about that. The what did

25:59

you do? yesterday's universe seems big at

26:01

first but actually all the tendrils just

26:03

wow here's another thing is that remember

26:06

with Jen Brister was saying you know

26:08

she has that toilet upstairs that doesn't

26:10

flush properly and someone had taken a

26:13

big dump in it yeah and then

26:15

we discovered I don't think on air

26:17

but that was Kerry Godleyman's husband I

26:20

don't know if that's for broadcast it's

26:22

a small world it's a small one

26:24

that you do yesterday world that we're

26:27

in. big shit yeah okay 1045 a.m.

26:29

you are eating a bag of

26:31

caramelized onion and balsamic vinegar beansticks

26:33

well this is it Max because

26:35

despite the fact that I wanted

26:37

to stay completely away from the

26:39

food I consume because that's already

26:41

been lambasted on this podcast yeah

26:43

now I've eaten the almond butter

26:45

smothered on sourdough the only food

26:47

prepared for me by someone else,

26:49

I am just going to like

26:51

fully lean into the weird way

26:54

in which I eat. So I'm

26:56

now going to have half a

26:58

bag of caramelised onion and balsamic

27:00

vinegar, pea sticks. And just sort

27:02

of continue eating random stuff. I

27:04

just don't care about food, man.

27:06

I just can't get on board

27:08

with it. So I just eat

27:10

stuff to make me stop feeling

27:12

hungry. which really adenates a lot

27:14

of people and makes me unlikable

27:16

which is why I was initially

27:18

trying to stay away from it

27:20

but now we're going to go

27:22

full throttle between the p-sticks and

27:24

the pair frangipani that I ate

27:26

at 1141 a.m. Just back to

27:28

the p-sticks. Yeah sure tuck into

27:30

the p-sticks please. I've never heard

27:33

of called off the eaten path

27:35

that make it which does seem

27:37

like a oral sex reference. My

27:39

girlfriend basically only buys foodstuffs that

27:42

are supposed to be sort of

27:44

healthier than the average thing that

27:46

you have. So we're quite willing

27:48

to pay the sort of price

27:51

premium to be marketed towards with

27:53

stuff like 30% less fat or

27:55

as you can see on this

27:57

bag now with less packaging. our

28:00

house is just full of

28:02

so that, that I'll just

28:04

sort of wander around picking

28:06

up and eating in replacement

28:08

for having any actual meals.

28:10

What are the snacks for

28:12

people who aren't curious? Is

28:14

this like the small vinegar?

28:16

For people who just don't

28:18

give a, they just don't want to

28:20

know. Is it people who are curious

28:22

about the world, intellectually curious, that they're

28:24

probably learning languages like these snacks? Are

28:27

they having these snacks? On the back

28:29

it's got all the capital cities of

28:31

the world. You know, I don't know.

28:33

You have to take it up with

28:36

them. I never actually haven't interrogated this

28:38

bizarre branding, but I wish I had.

28:40

I could get 10 minutes to stand

28:42

about this. It's hilarious. Okay, at 10

28:45

past 11, you buy a lottery ticket

28:47

because funny. What I want to know

28:49

here is you presumably got dressed,

28:51

you've left the house, you know,

28:53

these are the nuts and bolts

28:55

of this podcast, really are the

28:58

cracks between these events. So have

29:00

you chosen an outfit? Have you

29:02

chosen an outfit? Have you had

29:04

a little shower? I choose my

29:06

outfits like I choose my food

29:08

is just sort of whatever I

29:10

see I will wear. Curious, whatever

29:12

is curious, dressed as a clown.

29:14

Yeah, no, I mean it's just

29:16

there's a variety of clothes around,

29:18

some of which is my girlfriends and

29:21

I just I put it on because

29:23

I have to go to the shop

29:25

to buy some kitchen towel. and a

29:27

couple of bottles of mineral water. So

29:29

I then go to the shop and

29:32

that's where I enter the diary entry

29:34

by lottery ticket because it's funny because

29:36

I thought it would be so funny

29:38

to like get a lottery ticket and

29:40

then win the lottery. but then do this

29:43

podcast and not be able to talk about

29:45

the fact that I won the lottery because

29:47

it didn't happen today it happened yesterday is

29:49

that funny I mean I'd love the idea

29:52

if you if you just said and then

29:54

at 748 I won 32 million pounds yeah

29:56

and yeah we just move on with the

29:58

chat and we go you know, what snacks

30:01

did you have for dinner? Just one of

30:03

the pictures is Tom and Patrick Keelty and

30:05

he's just spun the wheel. Let's have 10

30:07

million pounds. It did make me realise that

30:10

I had also a different lottery ticket that

30:12

I bought on the way home from the

30:14

gig last week that I hadn't checked the

30:16

results for. So then I remembered that I

30:18

had to go look for that. Yeah, that

30:21

happens to me and I sort of think

30:23

the longer I haven't checked the lottery ticket,

30:25

the more chance I have of winning the

30:27

lottery with that ticket. It's a brilliant feeling,

30:30

isn't it? That is troding as cat. It

30:32

does say below buying a lottery ticket. looked

30:34

in the car and I cleaned the car

30:36

out a bit and I found a bottle

30:39

of urine. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

30:41

yeah. You really have to read this whole

30:43

document because you find real gems like that.

30:45

Could you tell us about that? Well, I

30:47

mean, didn't happen yesterday, but happy to. I

30:50

had a gig in Guisley, I didn't realize

30:52

how far away Guisley is, you know where

30:54

Guisley is? No, no, Northeast. It's by Leeds,

30:56

it's by Leeds, and I thought it was

30:59

just sort of like by Watford, and I

31:01

don't know how this happened. And it's actually

31:03

when I was listening to your incredible podcast,

31:05

so on the way up, you know, it

31:08

was listening to... Sam Campbell's day and just

31:10

thought I'm not going to get to this

31:12

gig on time unless I win a bottle,

31:14

so I we'd have it in a bottle.

31:16

Same thing with Rose Matafoea, we'd a bit

31:19

more in a bottle. And then Ivo Grimm,

31:21

we'd a bit more in a bottle. And

31:23

then I just sort of, I didn't get

31:25

to the gig and thought, oh wow, I'm

31:28

going to clean this bottle. I just thought,

31:30

oh, it's a bottle. I'll deal with that

31:32

at some point. And sadly, I've dealt with

31:34

it. on a day where my day is

31:37

becoming interrogated with a forensic level of detail.

31:39

And now everyone just knows that I am

31:41

the kind of guy that will have a

31:43

bottle of piss in his car for a

31:45

few days. Few questions here now. Are you

31:48

driving while you do the, you're actually, now,

31:50

so what about the risk of trucks? Well

31:52

I don't give a shit, but if a

31:54

truck is my dog, I don't know, I

31:57

could stand up. So I have... peed in

31:59

a bottle in my life, okay? And I

32:01

know what happens, which is it's hard to

32:03

pee in a regular lidded bottle. So what

32:06

you actually want. Not if you have an

32:08

incredibly small penis, of course. You'd need a

32:10

pencil to go in there. None of that

32:12

year went in my car, David. None of

32:15

that year went. It's all in my car.

32:17

That's all I'm saying. That

32:20

is quite the brag, isn't it? Max,

32:22

you just present soccer, I am the

32:24

glory years. I'm sure you've peed in

32:26

a bottle. No, I never how. Because

32:28

I'm with you, I would find the,

32:30

I would find the... The entire process

32:32

you're humiliating. I just think I'm above

32:34

it as a human being, you think

32:36

it's a disgusting animalistic thing to do.

32:38

I just think I'd be quicker if

32:41

I just... pulled into like the hard

32:43

shoulder if I was you know if

32:45

there's nowhere to go. No don't get

32:47

me wrong I did do that once

32:49

when there was nowhere to go I

32:51

did do that once right but there

32:53

was traffic man and I was just

32:55

sat in traffic and I thought I

32:57

can't face doing all that and I'm

32:59

in pain here like I'm really enjoying

33:01

listening to what did you do yesterday

33:03

and I want to really get stuck

33:06

into Mark Watson's day and I don't

33:08

really think you know I need to

33:10

do a piss while he talks about

33:12

watching Arsenal watching Arsenal with his son.

33:14

I want to be like I want

33:16

to be like I want to be

33:18

like I want to be like I

33:20

want to be like I want to

33:22

read it really read it really read

33:24

it be engaged. I think your work

33:26

is very valuable and I don't want

33:28

to leave it just when I'm listening

33:31

to it. Do you know what, there's

33:33

an interesting, you know, like radio buses

33:35

up and say what you want, you

33:37

want people to, you know, get to

33:39

their destination in the car but not

33:41

leave the car because they're loving your

33:43

radio show so much. Yeah. And now

33:45

with this podcast, what we're trying to

33:47

do is make them love it so

33:49

much. trucks, we've had trucks, we've got

33:51

the size of the top of the

33:53

bottle. But then the third is, it's

33:56

a quantity question because no one really

33:58

knows how much they we, that if

34:00

you have a 500 mil bottle, say,

34:02

there's the dreadful fear that, you know,

34:04

the ominous liquid rising to the top

34:06

of it. And I don't think I

34:08

have. the skill set just be able

34:10

to stop. I'm drinking out of these

34:12

bowls, you know, I've got a 1.5

34:14

liars, there's an incredible amount of urine

34:16

to fill a bottle with man, so

34:18

it's not a concern for me. And

34:21

you know, I speak like a man

34:23

that has done this, you know, over

34:25

20 times and that probably is the

34:27

case. Maybe I'm too comfortable doing it.

34:29

Because like crane drivers famously we in

34:31

bottles, because they're up. You're saying just

34:33

like, not wanting to go to a

34:35

service station is not a legitimate reason.

34:37

I get out, we're fine. But I

34:39

mean, a lot of this didn't happen

34:41

yesterday. I'd love to get back on

34:43

the day because... Let's not talk about

34:46

anything. Let's talk about all this humiliating

34:48

stuff that happened yesterday, if you wouldn't

34:50

mind. I was on a sketch. and

34:52

then I had to kneel behind a

34:54

cardboard partition in the middle of the

34:56

stage for 45 minutes and then I

34:58

would return and be in the last

35:00

sketch and I needed to we and

35:02

the more I told myself that I

35:04

didn't need to we the more I

35:06

needed to we and there was no

35:09

way of accessing the wings or the

35:11

back of the stage from behind this

35:13

cardboard partition but there was a one

35:15

liter bottle full bottle of water there

35:17

so I had to down it. and

35:19

then we back into it with this

35:21

fear of a sort of eternal circularity

35:23

and boy would the show which wasn't

35:25

that funny have got the biggest laugh

35:27

of the evening if the cardboard partition

35:29

had collapsed and there was just a

35:31

man kneeling behind it trying to pee

35:34

into a volvik bottle. So what happens

35:36

next Tom? I mean I know but

35:38

like... I have a call with my

35:40

agent. My agent brings me up to

35:42

discuss a new podcast opportunity. What did

35:44

you do tomorrow? Good. That's a joke.

35:46

I've written a joke into my notes

35:48

there. He says Max talked to you

35:50

about this this afternoon. That would have

35:52

been really funny if I'd thrown that

35:54

away, but no, I've just I've told

35:56

you that I prepared that. So not

35:59

funny at all. And then I had

36:01

an idea for the introduction of this

36:03

podcast. Well, I basically my day. I

36:05

saw an interview with Jeff Bezos that

36:07

says that he starts his day with

36:09

what he calls a putter, right? Which

36:11

is basically him just walking around his

36:13

house for like half an hour, just

36:15

like not thinking about anything particular, but

36:17

just trying to let ideas perculate. And

36:19

I think what I'm doing with my

36:21

entire day, my day is just 24

36:24

seven putter basically. I'm trying to bring

36:26

the energy that Jeff Bezos has in

36:28

the first half an hour of his

36:30

life to. my entire day. So I

36:32

could talk about that for a bit

36:34

and now I have done that's successful.

36:36

Bayesos is coming on now in the

36:38

next few weeks. You'll get Luke McQueen.

36:40

The hit list at the moment is

36:42

Luke McQueen because he's being referenced so

36:44

many times on it and Bayesos. And

36:46

then I text Rose happy birthday. You've

36:49

enclosed the gift that you sent her.

36:51

Take us which is a birthday cake

36:53

with stars around on happy birthday. Interesting

36:55

decision that to go with a... a

36:57

meme or a gift of a happy

36:59

birthday, as opposed to just saying happy

37:01

birthday. But when I sent her a

37:03

gift, I just put in happy birthday

37:05

into the gifts and sent her the

37:07

first one that came up. You know,

37:09

it's really nice to get like a

37:11

gift that's been like really thought about,

37:14

and when I say gift, what I

37:16

meant is gift. What I meant is

37:18

gift. But I don't do that at

37:20

all. In the same way that I

37:22

just don't expect you to do that

37:24

for me. conversation about how we are,

37:26

but I just not, I can't really

37:28

care for people to the level that

37:30

human beings seem to expect their friends

37:32

to do so, which is a worry

37:34

being a parent for sure. Your gift

37:37

selection reminds me of say when you're

37:39

eight and you're going to someone's birthday

37:41

party and you just go into the

37:43

news agent and you get them, you

37:45

know, a picture of John Work from

37:47

an unspecified Ipswich match in the 80s

37:49

scoring a goal and it just says

37:51

happy birthday above it. Yeah, 100% now

37:53

I will probably send all of my closest

37:55

friends a happy birthday gift and they will

37:58

alternate but only by what is the most

38:00

popular gift according to what's at that point.

38:02

It's not like me going, oh John Pointing

38:04

would really like this. I just know it's

38:07

a standard happy birthday I don't know man

38:09

what can I say I'm trying to care

38:11

for a new screaming baby in my house

38:14

I don't have time to think about what

38:16

gift Rose wants. No I think it's totally

38:18

acceptable. Right then you set up a game

38:20

of virtual golf with the comedian Mark Smith

38:23

so that's good okay. I got five entries

38:25

to the Year of Millions lottery. I got

38:27

zero numbers and zero bonus numbers for all

38:29

five entries. The odds of doing this, I

38:32

calculated, are less than 1%. That is a

38:34

spectacularly bad lottery. It's Brexit, man. That's what

38:36

happens. That's you all voted for it. You

38:38

asked for it. This is what happens. Yeah,

38:41

I've really won the Year of Millions Wooden

38:43

Wooden Wooden Spoon. Gee says she's going to

38:45

have a shower and to listen Ed for

38:48

the baby. Baby immediately starts crying. Well mate,

38:50

well listen, my baby Sim is like not

38:52

at the best day yesterday. Like she was

38:54

crying more than usual. Oh dear. I thought

38:57

maybe her stomach was a bit off. So

38:59

we started debating like a change of formula.

39:01

A baby like there's some like goats milk

39:03

formula that's supposed to be better for them

39:06

and I don't really know all this stuff.

39:08

But obviously when your baby's crying you're sort

39:10

of desperately googling anything that it can be.

39:12

We actually rang the GP for the first

39:15

time and we were like. basically Simmi, I

39:17

know it's not yesterday, but she hasn't done

39:19

a poo for now like two and a

39:22

half days and that's the long she's ever

39:24

gone. And we're thinking this isn't good. We're

39:26

ring the GP and the GP says, oh,

39:28

you might be able to get in if

39:31

you ring us back at two, right? Right.

39:33

So I use the intermediary time to sort

39:35

of, actually attempt to do a little bit

39:37

of work and also watch some YouTube. That's

39:40

my sort of. guilty time filler because GG

39:42

is just a lot better accommodating the crying

39:44

baby than I am so I sit down

39:46

and watch a YouTube video it was Andrew

39:49

Schultz was promoting his new Netflix special with

39:51

a little sketch with Matt Damon that came

39:53

up I watched that for three minutes and

39:56

then I watched a YouTube video about the

39:58

tactical future of Arsenal by an incredible YouTube

40:00

creator called The Different Knock. And then I

40:02

go on Twitter and I watch the video

40:05

of Danny Dyer calling David Cameron a sort

40:07

of muppet for Brexit. Remember that? About a

40:09

while ago. He called it like a twat

40:11

or something and said he was in Europe

40:14

with his trotters up. I thought that's really

40:16

funny. And then I eat some ready-sotted crisps

40:18

which I found in my car next to

40:20

the urine. And

40:23

then I read a tweet by this

40:25

guy Naval Ravakant about his parenting style.

40:28

Do you know, this guy, this investor

40:30

guy, it's very interesting. He basically says,

40:32

he's let his kids do whatever they

40:34

want, apart from they have to do

40:36

two hours of reading a day and

40:39

one day of coding. How old are

40:41

his kids? Please tell him that they're

40:43

four and two. No, I think they

40:45

are. I think they are. Oh yeah,

40:48

okay, so then I did some invoices,

40:50

sent some invoices by accountant. And then

40:52

I was with Simi at literally like

40:54

1.59 p.m. the minute before we're going

40:56

to win the GP, and she rolled

40:59

herself to her side and did a

41:01

really satisfying fart. And she's been having

41:03

some sort of Castro issues and this

41:05

was actually the biggest moment in the

41:07

day really, because then she's actually happy.

41:10

and then she starts hiccuping and then

41:12

you can see yeah there's a really

41:14

nice photo of playtime. I'm intrigued by

41:16

this now Tom because I don't have

41:18

any children that I know of but

41:21

I have 18 bikes and they tend

41:23

not to break wind but tell me

41:25

the feelings you feel when your newborn

41:27

farts like presumably even the aroma of

41:30

it brings you joy, pride. How are

41:32

you feeling? the opposite man. Whenever I

41:34

change I'm happy I still wretch like

41:36

I can't, it's disgusting, I can't, yeah

41:38

I know. Geee seems to think that

41:41

it smells like all right or kind

41:43

of nice, she doesn't have, but I

41:45

have this horrible gag reflex. I mean

41:47

I am really happy when she farts

41:49

in this occasion because I even I

41:52

know that she's been having sort of

41:54

issues with this and you can see

41:56

the relief on her face. So it's

41:58

just you know, this is a completely

42:00

innocent creature that is making, that and

42:03

obviously screaming in your face. And I'm

42:05

sort of desperately trying to do anything

42:07

I can to accommodate her wishes. And

42:09

this far, it was just, it was

42:12

almost, I'm actually happy to. say and

42:14

nail my color to the mask this

42:16

was the most profound fart I've ever

42:18

witnessed it was joyful and meaningful and

42:20

it felt like she had really achieved

42:23

something because she had moved herself to

42:25

the side which after 17 days you

42:27

know they can't really move themselves that

42:29

well so she had worked out she

42:31

got a go on her side and

42:34

do a fart and yeah it was

42:36

it was emotional and she grabbed her

42:38

do they and pulled the top over

42:40

your head it's a funny thing because

42:42

she'll be on the way to developing

42:45

her own brand and it does make

42:47

me think of primary school where you

42:49

know you're so close to these 28

42:51

in my case boys that if someone

42:54

farted it would be no who's that

42:56

it's just you would know from the

42:58

sound or aroma that's Scott Goodwin or

43:00

whatever that's... Well yeah, to be honest,

43:02

I don't, I don't know about this

43:05

back, so I've never smelled her fast,

43:07

but I don't, there's not enough, there's

43:09

not a force behind them, she's just

43:11

doing it all like, obviously I smell

43:13

a poo's and stuff, but... Yeah, I

43:16

think, I'd probably hold my nose for

43:18

all poo's, like, not like a sort

43:20

of cartoon, it's a natural instinct. But

43:22

I think what's interesting between baby one

43:24

and baby two is, baby one, if

43:27

they're asleep, you'll basically wake them up

43:29

to check their still alive. Baby two,

43:31

you just sort of leave them in

43:33

the corner. Like the difference in terms

43:36

of should we call a doctor, his

43:38

face is a bit red. What's happened

43:40

there? You're just like, they're fine. Yeah.

43:42

And so that's quite interesting because I

43:44

think three years ago, I'd be having

43:47

these kind of, oh my God, they

43:49

haven't passed a solid stool, a solid

43:51

stool in, for about a week because

43:53

they said you know wing and poo

43:55

really matters I was like noting I

43:58

was like had a little like m

44:00

pencil and pad by the change table.

44:02

doing like you know prison days like

44:04

every number of ways now what am

44:06

I doing that for like it's just

44:09

like oh yeah when he's done a

44:11

poo whatever like it's just it's totally

44:13

different I would say Max you never

44:15

even in the Ian Rushton era and

44:18

we continue to the next slide now

44:20

When Simi did a poo, which happens

44:22

at 315, so we are happy about

44:24

that, there's a photo of it, which

44:26

is quite confronting there, and then a

44:29

beautiful picture of the family and dog

44:31

outside, real pride, I think, maybe a

44:33

bit of relief as well, that this

44:35

beautiful poo, and it is beautiful. Oh

44:37

my gosh. Yeah, I'm happy to put

44:40

that on Instagram man. I'd say, it

44:42

wasn't as like solid as we'd hoped,

44:44

but yeah, it's a nice color. They

44:46

talk a lot about the colors of

44:48

the poo. Yeah. there was actually a

44:51

color chart up in the hospital where

44:53

you got a sort of track and

44:55

simmy is right on track with the

44:57

hue of her shit. So we were

45:00

very happy with that. But we were

45:02

still going to take it to the

45:04

doctor, which was slightly annoying to me

45:06

because I was really looking forward to

45:08

talking about something which I've managed to

45:11

get into my day, which I basically

45:13

have a window of time to walk

45:15

the dog, but I've managed to sort

45:17

of combine that with my other obsession

45:19

right now, which is golf. and like

45:22

kind of secretly play a whole or

45:24

two whilst walking the dog but there

45:26

wasn't going to be enough time to

45:28

do that this time because of the

45:30

GP. So I took the kitty for

45:33

a walk as you can say about

45:35

404 p.m. and kind of did maybe

45:37

a few chips on a fair way

45:39

but mainly just let Keek sort of

45:42

run around and then yes got an

45:44

email about my Edinburgh blurb. Are you

45:46

going to edit with this year? Yeah,

45:48

I haven't thought about a title or

45:50

a blurb yet though. So yeah, I

45:53

got the initial think about that email.

45:55

Sorry just to open this up to

45:57

people who don't. That is just you

45:59

need like what a paragraph saying what

46:01

you're saying. shows about? Oh yeah, yeah,

46:04

yes. They want to photograph and they

46:06

want a 20-word description of it, a

46:08

40-word description of it, and sometimes a

46:10

100-word description of it, which is always

46:12

difficult when you haven't written the show

46:15

yet. Hence, my shows are all cool

46:17

things like, we are all in the

46:19

gutter, but some of us are looking

46:21

at David at already, or whatever, something

46:24

that doesn't necessarily give you much. so

46:26

I can go in any direction afterwards.

46:28

So just to go back to the

46:30

golf, not many golf courses allow you

46:32

to bring a dog and just hit

46:35

away. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's a

46:37

sort of public course that is like

46:39

incredibly close to my house, so close

46:41

that I can't tell you one of

46:43

this, because I'll be scared of people

46:46

just basically coming around. And yeah, people

46:48

do walk. their dogs on it. It's

46:50

got like public parks. So far I've

46:52

seen no one else walking a dog

46:54

and also just like going on to

46:57

a fair way and trying to, you

46:59

know, hit a pitching wedge. But I've

47:01

adapted my day to do that and

47:03

I'm yet to get told off for

47:06

it. I am also a member of

47:08

the club. I feel like I have

47:10

a right to do that, but I

47:12

don't think I technically do. You haven't

47:14

booked a T-time. You haven't said I'm

47:17

going to play the seventh hole at

47:19

3.18 p.m. Yeah. And my dog will

47:21

piss on the green. Yeah, no, it's

47:23

not as much. Has the previous picture

47:25

not, I mean that was about constipation.

47:28

So you nonetheless travel to the GP,

47:30

we see a beautiful picture of what

47:32

I would call a classic waiting room

47:34

with blue chairs there. Are you disappointed

47:36

in a way that the shit has

47:39

come? It's very much like Max says,

47:41

and this is our first sort of

47:43

rush to the GP and in a

47:45

kind of panic But we sort of

47:48

turn up to the GP and went

47:50

our baby hasn't pooed in two days

47:52

But actually she's just done two poos

47:54

and the GP was like okay So

47:56

the GP sort of like weighed her

47:59

and said yeah, she just looks like

48:01

a you know a healthy human baby

48:03

Yeah, but they do say she's a

48:05

newborn so definitely coming if you're worried

48:07

about so okay cool was good. Simi

48:10

is healthy and happy and sort of

48:12

nothing of note happened in the doctor

48:14

apart from yeah doctors had she good

48:16

as you can see the note. Do

48:18

you get the deworming medication there re

48:21

6.02 p.m. Oh, sorry. No, that's for

48:23

Kiki. That's my dog. This is a

48:25

perennial issue. No, my dog and my

48:27

daughter's names do rhyme. Kiki and Simi

48:30

and also my girlfriend's are like, they

48:32

all rhyme, basically. You're not the first

48:34

person to call Simi, Kiki or Kiki,

48:36

Simi. We have all done that a

48:38

few times. Yeah, no, my baby doesn't

48:41

need deworming. My dog does, apparently. tie

48:43

takeaway from two days ago and a

48:45

camboucher. So I sat down to watch

48:47

a show called Hacks, which is all

48:49

about a comedian. It's very inspiring actually.

48:52

Have you come across it? No, I

48:54

haven't seen that one. Have you seen

48:56

that one Max? No. It's really, really

48:58

good. It's really good. And I found

49:00

it very inspiring to work on my

49:03

own comedy as well as enjoying fine

49:05

sort of sitcom drama. And then I

49:07

ate some more food whilst watching that

49:09

sort of... I guess slightly play into

49:12

my stereotype of eating weird shit, which

49:14

was some crackers, a Spanish, oh yeah,

49:16

you can, you want to join to

49:18

read it out? Contabrian, Canterbury and anchovies.

49:20

We've got Spanish spinach tortilla. A lot

49:23

of packets here. Would you ever buy

49:25

an old carrot? You know what I

49:27

mean? Max doesn't. Max, my colleague, waits

49:29

for it to be delivered by a

49:31

man on a motorbike. And then there's

49:34

a specific line on the carrot to

49:36

show you where to cut it in

49:38

half. I'll tell you this for nothing.

49:40

Delivery meals. Yep. I literally bought a

49:42

carrot and ate it about an hour

49:45

ago. Two hours ago. So. Silania pipe.

49:47

Anyway, sorry. Excuse this domestic we're having

49:49

about how other food I eat, which

49:51

has really got David Ryle in the

49:54

past few weeks. Yes, the question I

49:56

believe was, everything's in a packet. And

49:58

what we know from this episode and

50:00

the Reese James episode is, you're quite

50:02

a packet. food eater. Sorry, I don't

50:05

know. It's just really hard to eat

50:07

Contabrian anchovies if they're not enough. I

50:09

don't know. I don't know how else

50:11

I could consume them without going to

50:13

Contabria. What is Contabria? I don't know

50:16

what that is to be fair. What

50:18

is Contabria? It's probably a bit of

50:20

Spain, isn't it? It's a bit of

50:22

Spain, I'm guessing. Yeah, Contabria, yeah.

50:24

autonomous community of Spain. So you

50:26

do have a reputation for these curious

50:29

meals, such as the large quantity of

50:31

pineapple. There's less pineapple in the day

50:33

than I would have suspected a sort

50:36

of sponge bob type situation where you

50:38

lived in one. Honestly, the fantasy with

50:40

this podcast would be that I plan

50:43

my entire day to be really funny

50:45

on the basis of this podcast. So

50:47

I actually had an idea that I

50:50

would just spend the entire day listing

50:52

to other episodes of this podcast. Yeah.

50:54

Which would have been very fun. And

50:56

then all I would have to do

50:58

is talk about those episodes, which I

51:01

have a sort of deep sense are

51:03

better than mine. And then I thought

51:05

everyone would just have some pineapple. and

51:07

I have to go to the doctor

51:09

perhaps because I'm poisoned with pineapples. But

51:11

actually what happened was I woke up

51:13

and had a baby and I was

51:15

on the back foot the entire day

51:18

and I couldn't plan anything funny or

51:20

witty. Just like, oh no this thing

51:22

won't shit, why won't this thing shit?

51:24

And then basically, oh it's suddenly

51:26

the end of the day and

51:28

I go, oh fuck it, I'll

51:30

send them a PDF to try

51:32

to try to be funny about

51:34

that. So I hope, you know,

51:36

my contribution is sufficient. what did

51:38

you do yesterday? I appreciate that,

51:40

thanks man. Hang on, if we

51:42

don't book the other Tom Rosenthal

51:44

that I know who is... I

51:46

wish you should, he's a very

51:48

talented musician. He is a lovely

51:50

guy. He did a really good

51:52

song about it. Did we get

51:54

the wrong one? Not a packet

51:57

in sight with that guy, not

51:59

a packet inside. I would say also like

52:01

this sort of like having to track everything that

52:03

I'm doing maybe really tired Like I was exhausted

52:05

by the fact that I had to feel like

52:07

I was having to talk about this stuff But

52:09

you didn't have to like track it as

52:11

much as you've tracked no one else

52:13

has sent like a picture of

52:15

of their children's If

52:18

you get me involved in anything I

52:20

will overthink it to the point that

52:22

I destroy it. Okay, that's just I'm

52:24

sorry That's how I contribute to everything

52:26

would have taken a lot trust that

52:28

you were like and she really filled

52:30

that nappy Nothing my brain can do

52:32

the rest Do

52:34

you have this meal of

52:37

the packets just several packets you

52:39

pop them all in a

52:41

magic mix together and just eat

52:43

those micro plastics And then

52:45

so you watch two episodes of

52:47

hacks And so we are

52:49

now according to the pdf up

52:51

to about quarter to eight

52:54

And it says four and a half

52:56

pull -ups. So you try to do a

52:58

workout then do you? It's not

53:00

so much an attempt to do a

53:03

workout I have a pull -up bar

53:05

in my bedroom because I have

53:07

a scoliosis in my sort of lower

53:09

back and I Have learned over

53:11

the years Through an incredible

53:13

place called sos scoliosis that the best way

53:15

to sort of fight the daily pain that

53:17

I was in Is to get kind of

53:19

ripped Uh, so I do as many posts

53:21

every day as I can or just sort

53:23

of hang from a bar Kind of eat

53:25

on gates your spine and I used to

53:28

have here like really bad like back and

53:30

neck pain and now I sort of Don't

53:32

so it's not really a workout. It's much

53:34

more sort of body maintenance thing like a

53:36

bat Yes, exactly like a batch. said I'm

53:38

upside down that just so I don't spend

53:40

all my waking hours complaining about my bad

53:42

back Which women who've just had a baby

53:44

via c -section don't really love That's

53:49

quite a lot Let

53:52

me tell you Tom, they also don't enjoy

53:54

someone going yes, but I have to do

53:56

two podcasts this evening How

54:00

does it say magnesium citrate? What is that

54:02

now? Well basically I bash out my four

54:04

and a half pull-ups and then I

54:06

take a magnesium citrate supplement. Again, what

54:08

I was hoping to do on this

54:10

podcast was talk about the litany of

54:13

supplements that I sometimes take in a

54:15

sort of like, I'd love to be

54:17

like a sort of podcast bro talking

54:19

about all of my different new tropics

54:21

that I take to enhance my life.

54:23

But actually I just, I didn't take

54:25

any of those. So we've magnesium citrated

54:27

and then two words mouth tape. Have

54:29

you kidnapped someone? No, no, no. The

54:32

mouth tape is for myself. It

54:34

is something that I learned from

54:36

Erling Harland. Oh yeah. Yeah, I

54:38

mean he typed his mouth when

54:40

he sleeps, which promotes nose breathing,

54:42

which apparently makes your sleep better.

54:44

And I have noticed an improvement

54:46

in my sleep since doing it.

54:48

I'm yet to become the top

54:51

scorer in the prelude. Who knows?

54:53

Who knows what's next? Yeah, I

54:55

don't think that would work with

54:57

me. I broke my nose three

54:59

times. Oh, is the dog

55:01

okay? The dog is yapping

55:03

a lot, isn't it? I'm

55:05

sorry. It's those worms. It's

55:07

those worms being killed inside.

55:09

So I broke my nose,

55:11

managed to break my nose three

55:14

times before the age of

55:16

12. Once ran into someone

55:19

playing British Bulldogs, one of

55:21

your... playground games. And once

55:24

Ian Walsh's dog jumped up

55:26

on my shoulders and nutted

55:29

me. So consequently, I have

55:31

a deviated septum, which is just a

55:33

narrowing on one side of my schnas,

55:35

which means that I don't think I

55:37

could do this mouth tape thing. Well,

55:39

it's funny you mention that because I

55:41

also have nose tape. Which is, and

55:43

this is not a joke, I am

55:45

not being humorous when I say this,

55:48

do you remember that thing that Robbie

55:50

Fowler used to put across his nose

55:52

in the 90s? Yeah, I remember. Yeah,

55:54

so essentially when I'm, well I tell

55:56

you, the full Gamoo of things at

55:58

night is I have some yell. glasses

56:00

which remove blue light okay so

56:02

they promote sleep again to adieu

56:04

circadian with them I have sort

56:06

of no you like Penfold Robbie

56:09

Fowler and Zippy yeah man you

56:11

got to get a good night

56:13

sleeping yeah That's why my baby

56:15

won't go to school. You're so

56:17

scared of me. Tom, presumably the...

56:19

So the glasses go on from

56:21

when 6 p.m. are we trying

56:23

to... Again, this is the dream,

56:25

what did I do yesterday? If

56:27

I don't have a child, I'm

56:29

doing all this stuff. And I'm

56:32

talking about all my wacky life

56:34

hacks, my biohacks that I've got

56:36

to optimize me as a human

56:38

being. But none of that stuff

56:41

happened yesterday, because I was just

56:43

cleaning out. You know the guy

56:45

that you're obsessed with, the tech

56:48

bro who's trying to live forever

56:50

and measures his son's bonus and

56:52

stuff. Well, I would love if

56:55

the actual dirty reality of his

56:57

life is him just pulling lottery

56:59

tickets and piss out of his car.

57:03

It has to be. It has to be. I think the first

57:05

three episodes of this podcast, that's what everyone's trying

57:07

to say the day that they wish everyone thought

57:10

that they had, but no, no one has that

57:12

day, man. We've all got, you know, some bottles

57:14

of piss in our car. Yeah, a lot of

57:16

them are metaphorical. Sure. Some of them are literal.

57:18

But that's what's so brilliant. It's such an honour

57:20

to be on this podcast, because it's true that

57:23

you are, you are, uh... finding all the muck

57:25

that people carry about. So hang on, I've got

57:27

so many questions. The yellow glass is what you're

57:29

meant to put on early in the evening to

57:31

sort of attune your eyes to sleep. You don't

57:34

wear them at night, or you don't wear them

57:36

because it's dark. No, you're not supposed to wear

57:38

them at night. You're supposed to take them off

57:40

as you go to sleep. Yeah, yeah. As the

57:42

sun... goes down you want to only really have

57:44

you know natural sources of sorry not natural sources

57:47

like you're trying to remove the blue light from

57:49

your eyes yeah so you should be okay so

57:51

iridescent bulbs are quite you know there are certain

57:53

light bulbs which basically do this naturally so it's

57:55

kind of not so bad but yeah that's what

57:58

I tend to do the nose tape like kind

58:00

of understand the mouth tape

58:02

like how sticky is that you've

58:04

got like quite a prominent moustache

58:06

and go to go on. Oh

58:09

no it's really sticky yeah yeah

58:11

so basically you do just get

58:13

bits of tape in your moustache

58:15

yes it's nasty. You also see

58:18

I've got a blue tongue. Yeah

58:20

what's that about? The blue tongue

58:22

is called methylene blue it's the

58:24

thing that you're supposed to take

58:26

which basically activates you and Mrs.

58:29

Rosenthal are in separate rooms and

58:31

you have the baby, I'm just

58:33

trying to think if I taped my

58:35

mouth tonight. So every time, if you

58:37

take it off, can you put it back

58:39

on again? Or is it like just one?

58:41

No, no, no, no, no. They're single used.

58:43

Again, a docus de furious, mother planet, furious,

58:46

furious. But what if you need to take

58:48

it off the sailor, I, you know. You'll

58:50

be all right, yeah, you get away, you

58:52

get away with that. It sounds to me

58:54

like you're desperate to give mouth tape. Yeah,

58:56

it does. I'm happy to say you're some.

58:58

In the past, when I've not had mouth

59:00

tape, I have used just a plaster. You

59:02

know, that also works. Oh God. But surely

59:04

you just want to open your mouth? What

59:07

if you want a glass of water, like

59:09

a sip of water? Not really. I mean,

59:11

I understand that you're a professional podcaster and

59:13

you can't hack the idea that you're not

59:15

saying something 24 or something, but I actually

59:17

quite like. I've quite liked being quite

59:19

a quiet. It's true, even Max's sleep

59:22

talk, he has the mics all set

59:24

up in the room. Someone will put

59:26

them out. And it's good is it?

59:28

It's good, the tape. Yeah, yeah, it's

59:30

good. It just makes you sleep better.

59:32

Again, David might struggle a little

59:34

bit with his nose, but I'd

59:36

recommend two tips of tape and

59:39

you'll be fine. Talking about my

59:41

massive nose. It would be quite the

59:43

hypocrisy for me to lay into anyone

59:45

else's nose. I'm trying to promote your

59:47

sleep David. I need you to optimize

59:49

because I love this podcast and I

59:51

want you to be on top form

59:53

for the rest of the episodes. So

59:55

the final entry in the PDF is

59:57

738. Yeah, I don't know how much.

59:59

I'm going to get for this because

1:00:02

basically that's my sleep now. I'm a

1:00:04

sleep now. I'm a sleep. Brilliant. I

1:00:06

do my four pull-ups, I have a

1:00:08

little magnesium, pop the tape on and

1:00:11

then I just sleep and then I

1:00:13

obviously wake up the next day in

1:00:15

the middle of the night to try

1:00:18

and tend to some, you know, don't

1:00:20

care. We don't care about that tiny

1:00:22

thing. No, that's not our business. Basic

1:00:24

human things. But yeah, what's your observation

1:00:27

on my day. as everyone would be

1:00:29

in the aftermath of a beautiful event

1:00:31

like a child arriving on the seed,

1:00:33

you're doing your best to get through

1:00:36

the day. Intrigingly you also got in

1:00:38

some wedging, watching... Now I walk the

1:00:40

dog, I walk the dog. Yeah, and

1:00:42

what is the future of Arsenal's midfield?

1:00:45

You got that in as well. Sometimes

1:00:47

I feel my colleague's life is he

1:00:49

spends four hours in a soft play

1:00:52

and someone takes a shit down a

1:00:54

slide or whatever. Whereas yours has elements

1:00:56

of that, but then also these incredibly...

1:00:58

specific joy at he's trying to work

1:01:01

on his wedge play 17 days after

1:01:03

the birth I think normally we do

1:01:05

the debrief where the guest has gone

1:01:07

but I'm happy to do it now

1:01:10

when you're here I think you're behaving

1:01:12

exactly as a new parent for the

1:01:14

first time behaves just with pissing a

1:01:17

car and mouth tape like that's why

1:01:19

I would say like the sort of

1:01:21

constant fear about is this thing all

1:01:23

right and also I don't know about

1:01:26

you like it took me a long

1:01:28

time newborns I think are really hard

1:01:30

to relate to but because society has

1:01:32

said you know this is the most

1:01:35

precious thing in your world and in

1:01:37

a way it is but at the

1:01:39

same time you're sort of coming to

1:01:41

terms with a what you've done to

1:01:44

your life which is completely ruin it

1:01:46

but also you but you know but

1:01:48

like also not ruin it but like

1:01:51

both are true right it's the best

1:01:53

and worst thing you will do you've

1:01:55

just got so many things that you're

1:01:57

thinking about that you you know I

1:02:00

think it's all legitimate those sort of

1:02:02

fears that you're having but at the

1:02:04

same time you're like I don't know

1:02:06

what to do with this thing and

1:02:09

also it hasn't like they don't smile

1:02:11

for you know once they smile you're

1:02:13

like okay I get this now I

1:02:15

get it I think I mean I

1:02:18

to an extent I'm glad that I

1:02:20

have been in this situation whilst doing

1:02:22

this podcast because I think if I

1:02:25

hadn't had a child and I just

1:02:27

had 24 7 to my own devices

1:02:29

you might have found out how weird

1:02:31

I actually But yeah, no, I'm very

1:02:34

very grateful for the opportunity and a

1:02:36

massive fan of this entire universe. Can

1:02:38

I just say? Thank you very much.

1:02:40

Yes, please. The first time I've ever

1:02:43

been moved by a fart, by the

1:02:45

tale of a fart because it does

1:02:47

seem like such a landmark passing of

1:02:50

wind. No, I'm glad if that is

1:02:52

my only contribution to this entire thing.

1:02:54

Yeah, we didn't get that. Sally A.

1:02:56

B. In the middle of Sally A.

1:02:59

She wasn't like, and then I was

1:03:01

on the common, and I let an

1:03:03

absolute ripper. This is it. This is

1:03:05

the absolute magic of being a parent

1:03:08

to a newborn, is that these tiny

1:03:10

little things. I mean, I see you

1:03:12

guys smile all the time. I don't

1:03:14

give a shit. But if I see

1:03:17

a tiny little flicker of a smile

1:03:19

on my tongue, I'm just like, wow,

1:03:21

a smile. That's amazing. Everything she does

1:03:24

is just incredible. Every little micro movement.

1:03:26

Yeah, I really am sort of counting

1:03:28

the blessings and very grateful for this

1:03:30

entire experience, So you committed early doors

1:03:33

to this PDF and... from the amount

1:03:35

of text on it. I'm not going

1:03:37

to do a word count, but there's

1:03:39

certainly 400 words in the whole thing.

1:03:42

Numerous pictures. It must have taken a

1:03:44

lot of efforts. Do you regret the

1:03:46

decision to try and journal the whole

1:03:48

day? No, complete opposite. Like my regret

1:03:51

is that I didn't journal enough. It's

1:03:53

helped me to explain to you what

1:03:55

has happened. And it's only this morning

1:03:58

that I thought I'm going to send

1:04:00

you this PDF. Remember things from 18

1:04:02

years. ago in such a high resolution,

1:04:04

and I genuinely can't tell you what

1:04:07

happened yesterday without some kind of technological

1:04:09

help. So I mean, I'm sorry if

1:04:11

it's been a little bit of a

1:04:13

sort of a barrier between you and

1:04:16

I in the conversation, but it's really

1:04:18

helped me to give you what happened

1:04:20

yesterday to the level that I expected

1:04:23

myself. Not necessarily recommending anyone else, you

1:04:25

know, does it for their episode, but

1:04:27

I would gladly put it on the

1:04:29

internet for it. this wonderful period of

1:04:32

your life as being oh and then

1:04:34

she arrived and then I remember the

1:04:36

day she learned to speak or whatever

1:04:38

there will always be this there will

1:04:41

always be this mixture of horror pissing

1:04:43

a bottle in the car the first

1:04:45

fart etc. babies first fart you know

1:04:47

I'd much rather remember the emotional fart

1:04:50

than the bottle of piss in the

1:04:52

car. I actually already regret talking to

1:04:54

such a length about the bottle of

1:04:57

piss in the car because no daughter

1:04:59

wants to grow up thinking my father

1:05:01

was that guy. They would just talk

1:05:03

about pissing in cars so much that

1:05:06

he'd done it 20 times. That's way

1:05:08

too much. How am I ever going

1:05:10

to respect this man? She might be

1:05:12

listening to this in 50 years going

1:05:15

to this in 50 years going on.

1:05:17

No, apart from that horrible little window

1:05:19

in two of my life. I'm so

1:05:21

grateful for this opportunity. Thank you very

1:05:24

much. It's great to chat to you

1:05:26

guys. All the very best for the

1:05:28

future of yesterday's. Thanks for coming on

1:05:31

the podcast on Rosenthal. Thank you, Tom.

1:05:41

So David there it was and thanks

1:05:44

especially to the listeners who've listened while

1:05:46

looking at the PDF. I think it

1:05:48

works without the PDF but I I

1:05:50

loved that episode. Max I hope it

1:05:52

doesn't have an effect on future guests

1:05:54

that imagine if that was the one

1:05:56

episode that future potential guests listen to

1:05:58

and they think they have to do

1:06:00

hours and hours of work in order

1:06:02

to you don't you just have to

1:06:04

come to us with your life and

1:06:07

if you can have a moment as

1:06:09

beautiful as your baby. And we're calling

1:06:11

you a baby's first fart. It's probably

1:06:13

not. But that's a nice moment. There

1:06:15

isn't a detail with babies first fart

1:06:17

on it. You know, all the things

1:06:19

that they give to babies. That should

1:06:21

be our merch, shouldn't it? Should be

1:06:23

in our merch. Anyway, Tom did it

1:06:25

exactly how Tom does it. He came

1:06:28

on soccer in the gory years and

1:06:30

we had this feature called communion communion.

1:06:32

and most comedians, you know, like Romesh

1:06:34

did it, like it was like that

1:06:36

sort of era when he was up

1:06:38

and coming. They just wandered out of

1:06:40

the cup and did some gags. He

1:06:42

literally had bar charts and flip charts.

1:06:44

This is just like, if you're going

1:06:46

to do it, do it properly. And

1:06:49

so, yeah, he's taken that energy to

1:06:51

what to do yesterday. And yeah, I

1:06:53

mean, that is really what he did

1:06:55

yesterday. I'm not trying to say here

1:06:57

that other guests have been trying to

1:06:59

ham it up or whatever, but... No

1:07:01

other guest has gone to that much

1:07:03

effort. Thank you very much Tom Rosenthal.

1:07:05

And thanks for being honest about finding

1:07:07

a bottle of piss in a car.

1:07:09

If you want to get in touch

1:07:12

with the show, if you've ever pissed

1:07:14

in a car. I think more than

1:07:16

20, if you're above, you know, on

1:07:18

the Rosenthal scale, if you're tipping the

1:07:20

top end of the Rosenthal scale for

1:07:22

pissing in bottles in cars, get in

1:07:24

touch and here's how. To

1:07:27

get in touch with the show

1:07:29

you can email us at what

1:07:31

did you do yesterday pod@gmail.com follow

1:07:33

us on Instagram at yesterday pod

1:07:35

and please subscribe and leave a

1:07:38

review if you liked it on

1:07:40

your preferred podcast platform and if

1:07:42

you didn't please don't. Thank you

1:07:44

David. Oh thanks Max I really

1:07:46

enjoyed that one. I did we'll

1:07:48

do it again. Why not? You