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mcafee.com. Cancell Podcasts, a

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are millions of them. Some might

1:36

say, too many. I have one already.

1:38

I don't have any, because there are

1:40

enough. Politics business, sport, you name it,

1:43

there's a podcast about it, and they

1:45

all ask the big questions and cover

1:47

the hot topics of the day. But

1:49

nobody is covering the most important topic

1:51

of all. Why is that? Are they scared?

1:54

Too afraid of being censored by the

1:56

man? This

6:20

could work! She says this led

6:22

to a series of culinary experiments

6:24

with the theory that anything can

6:26

be successfully lasagnaed. The theory proved

6:28

correct. Chicken sarte lasagna, bonafi pie

6:30

lasagna, Sunday roast lasagna, careful with

6:32

liquid proportions, that one to avoid

6:34

sloppiness. Thai green curry lasagna, unlimited

6:37

options, you're welcome. Wow! And what

6:39

is a Vienna, if not a

6:41

lasagna of ice cream? That's a

6:43

very good point. I once handed...

6:45

During soccer and law he is.

6:47

Geiska Mendietta, a Vienna. Just so

6:49

we could say, Vienna or Mendietta.

6:51

And he obviously had no idea

6:53

what was happening. But it was

6:55

nice to see him holding it.

6:57

There's a fascinating series of photographs

6:59

which are. particularly around the era

7:02

of the soccer I am glory

7:04

years when a foreign footballer would

7:06

come to England they would make

7:08

them pose for a sort of

7:10

publicity photo like eating spaghetti out

7:12

of a saucepan like out of

7:14

press call. or like a giant

7:16

pizza that's clearly just a frozen

7:18

pizza someone has gotten like Zola

7:20

is holding it and pretending to

7:22

eat it. Yes, I mean it

7:25

is like signing Roikina, making him

7:27

hold a potato, isn't it? I

7:29

mean that's sort of, it's like

7:31

that, isn't it? It's like we've

7:33

gone Italian, what can we do?

7:35

Let's just give them a moment

7:37

special sauce and some rigatoney. My

7:39

friend Matt's been in touch. David

7:41

and say, I once saw Russell

7:43

Howard in a coffee shop too,

7:45

he says. You didn't see Russell

7:47

Howard in a coffee shop. And

7:50

actually Matt sent me this message

7:52

before he'd got to the de

7:54

noumo of the Russell Howard's in

7:56

Bergen. He says, Russell Howard stole

7:58

my takeaway coffee. So he drank

8:00

a coffee with Matt written on

8:02

it, and I had one with

8:04

Russell written on it. That can't

8:06

be the only person that's been

8:08

given the coffee of a celebrity

8:10

by mistake. For that small time,

8:13

my friend Matt was Russell Howard,

8:15

drinking Russell Howard's coffee. That's happened

8:17

to anyone else. Please do let

8:19

us know. If I know crime,

8:21

it's not the only crime that

8:23

Howard will have committed as well.

8:25

It's a real gateway crime as

8:27

well. So who knows where he

8:29

went from there. Like Tarot O'Brien,

8:31

the way he does a murder

8:33

at half-time in all of his

8:35

shows, he goes out to the

8:38

streets, just ends someone. I mean,

8:40

he does a jolly second half.

8:42

What's the journey? If the first

8:44

crime is just taking the other

8:46

coffee coffee. You know, when someone

8:48

says, Matt and Russell Hautier. Joe

8:50

for five minutes and he takes

8:52

that cup and he's walking the

8:54

street going, God, this tastes good.

8:56

This normal life tastes good. And

8:58

then the next thing, he's, what's

9:01

he doing next? Putting your rubbish

9:03

into other people's wheelie bins, taking

9:05

someone else's suitcase from a carousel.

9:07

Oh, that's the next step. Howard's

9:09

done all of these things. To

9:11

open up, going, who can I

9:13

be today? He's like a tans

9:15

in Mr. Mr. Ripley in Mr.

9:17

What an awful person he is!

9:19

It's an absolute shit. Bethin says,

9:21

I'm genuinely concerned for James Buckley's

9:23

health. It's not a funny message,

9:26

it's just genuine concern. What do

9:28

you mean the first sustenance of

9:30

the day is a 660 milliliter

9:32

bottle of stellar? How is he

9:34

alive? I do think he'd be

9:36

less knacked and unmotivated if his

9:38

diet had literally anything that wasn't

9:40

someone's 3am curry van order. Jore

9:42

dropping. I've really

9:45

thought about that a lot. Yeah,

9:47

it's the fact that, so he

9:49

does his podcast. We've established podcasting

9:51

is the most tiring activity a

9:54

human being can undertake. But then

9:56

he goes and like walks a

9:58

dog afterwards. You know, at no

10:00

point is he going into the

10:03

reds. zone of critical sustenance needing

10:05

and just plows. Like imagine if

10:07

he did eat more healthily, the

10:09

output that that man could, I

10:12

don't know any cameos he'd be

10:14

doing if he had a salad.

10:16

The thing is I do, I

10:18

don't think I'm like a massive

10:20

lightweight, but I'm intrigued to know

10:23

how drunk I'd be if I

10:25

ate nothing until... 11am and then

10:27

drank two massive bottles of stell-up.

10:29

I think I'd be so squiffy.

10:32

I reckon I'd be in a

10:34

great mood. I'd have a terrible

10:36

hangover at like, daft two. But

10:38

like, for a little bit I'd

10:41

be so giddy. Really was a

10:43

dinner for the ages. Regarding Natalie

10:45

Cassidy's film Flushing Doctor's toilet. He'll

10:47

put it in the show notes,

10:50

that's good stuff man. I don't

10:52

recall that bit. It's a special,

10:54

it's a special moment. Natalie Cassidy,

10:56

yeah. So there's a lot of

10:59

conjecture as to, because it was

11:01

a mysterious four hours to her

11:03

afternoon where she couldn't tell us

11:05

what she was doing. And then

11:07

the fact that Natalie has been

11:10

on. But last week Natalie was

11:12

on the masked singer UK. So

11:14

which one of those? Was she

11:16

possibly rehearsing both simultaneously, you know,

11:19

well-dressed as a butterfly, making a

11:21

ragu? Well, do you think she

11:23

entered? The the masking is so

11:25

silly, isn't it? Yeah Who's the

11:28

giant kumquat? And then you've got

11:30

I don't know like Sharon Osborne

11:32

going hmm. I think it's Peter

11:34

Mandelson who don't know You've been

11:37

fed the Peter Mandelson line. Come

11:39

on. We've been down this road

11:41

before or through the keyhole thought,

11:43

whereby, so through the keyhole listeners

11:46

was a show where Lloyd Grossman

11:48

would guide, Lloyd Grossman, who unbelievably

11:50

made the move from guiding you

11:52

through celebrities' homes in the 90s

11:54

to pasta sauce. Yeah. There's no

11:57

bridge there whatsoever. Did he do

11:59

Master Chef? As a contestant or

12:01

as a host? No, he was

12:03

like a sort of, you know,

12:06

a vain host of Master Chef

12:08

when it was a slightly different...

12:10

I think it was less shouty

12:12

and to my knowledge there were

12:15

few complaints made about Lloyd. But

12:17

my point is Willie Rushton, grandfather

12:19

of your latest son. would be

12:21

on the panel and it would

12:24

be... Great-grandfather, he's really Russian, my

12:26

grandfather. Okay, I'm sorry. The house

12:28

would be the home of maybe...

12:30

Willy Carson or someone like a

12:33

Jacobusi or something. And there'd be

12:35

very little clue that it would

12:37

be Akabusi's house and yet all

12:39

three celebrities would guess it like

12:41

they just knew. Yeah. There was

12:44

one. I need to find this,

12:46

give me one second. Hey, you

12:48

know the way we're meant to

12:50

be really scared about AI, but

12:53

I haven't really found a reason

12:55

yet to be scared. Yeah. I

12:57

was listening to our number one

12:59

competitor podcast yesterday on the train.

13:02

Yeah. The rest is politics. Yeah.

13:04

And Rory Stewart took some photos

13:06

of his sitting room. Yeah. Okay,

13:08

wherever that would be. Where does

13:11

he live in London Buckingham, Buckingham,

13:13

Buckingham Street. And he put that

13:15

into one of the AI models

13:17

and he said who would live

13:20

in a house like this. Wow,

13:22

okay. And the model said Rory

13:24

Stewart. No way. And it was

13:26

because they had seen that this

13:28

rug on the wall. comes from

13:31

Oman. There's some books on the

13:33

foreign office here. You know what

13:35

I mean? And this is in

13:37

five seconds. The thing is, they

13:40

never get me because there's nothing

13:42

like, because we've, I'm such a

13:44

cultural desert. They just be like,

13:46

this is, it's an AI bot

13:49

lives here. I've just found, I've

13:51

just found it the best ever

13:53

through the keyhole was when David

13:55

Frost was hosting. And he went

13:58

from Frost mix mix. Frost mix.

14:00

Anyway, Lloyd Grossman has done his

14:02

tour, you know, here is the,

14:04

you know, here is the, you

14:07

know, here is the living room,

14:09

blah blah blah, blah. And he

14:11

throws back, David it's over to

14:13

you. And then David is, now

14:15

you know, for the viewers at

14:18

home, let's see whose house it

14:20

is, they're shadowed, aren't they like,

14:22

sort of Andy McNab? And then

14:24

they're lit up. And I've got

14:27

it here, and it is, Ian

14:29

and Shirley Richter, It's a suggest

14:31

that they are. How could you

14:33

even go? Hmm. It looks a

14:36

bit hostagey. You know, a round

14:38

of applause. Anyway, Matt says, hi

14:40

David and Max, after a string

14:42

of comedians, I wasn't sure the

14:45

Natalie Cassidy episode would suit the

14:47

vibes set for the show so

14:49

far, but it was a welcome

14:51

relief to hear a somewhat normal

14:54

family day juxtaposed with a potentially

14:56

sinister secret four-hour window. And even

14:58

better surprise is he took a

15:00

break from the Brighton bubble to

15:02

accuse a national hero of being

15:05

in prison and to trivialise the

15:07

achievements of every grade one piano

15:09

students everywhere. Best episode! You just

15:11

wait, listeners, till we've exhausted all

15:14

of these comedians and then we're

15:16

really going to strike out. It's

15:18

going to be Nobel Prize winners.

15:20

It's going to be Malala this

15:23

week. Yeah, as yet, NASA have

15:25

not got back to me. Probably

15:27

the people who were Iraqi hostages,

15:29

they'll probably be on it soon

15:32

as well. I think so. Barry

15:34

says, David, I love you both.

15:36

I think the music at the

15:38

end of this podcast is the

15:41

music that they use on Shannon's

15:43

side FM for the death notices.

15:45

I released it. I thought you

15:47

should know that every episode is

15:49

both a joy and reminder of

15:52

my mortality. Keep up the great

15:54

work. Thank you, Barry. That's kind

15:56

of you. I wanted to read

15:58

one more before we do, what

16:01

did you fond do yesterday, Kurdle?

16:03

This is from Roger. Hi there,

16:05

I'm a fan of the pod

16:07

and it's Ruffian charm, he says.

16:10

You asked what people do while

16:12

listening to the pod and hearing

16:14

lies my problem. About the 23rd

16:16

of December last year, it became

16:19

evident that a small rodent had

16:21

died somewhere in the room I

16:23

used as a study. I clearly

16:25

needed a new podcast to listen

16:28

to while demolishing the room looking

16:30

for rotting corpses. I fixed on

16:32

yours. After googling who Max was,

16:34

obviously, and listen to all the

16:36

available episodes as I cleaned out

16:39

cupboards and looked behind bookshelves for

16:41

hours on end. By boxing day

16:43

the stench was, but I concluded

16:45

the animal was out of reach

16:48

under the floorboards and I just

16:50

bought some smelly candles instead. The

16:52

corpse stench has finally gone, but

16:54

now in a Pavovian way. Whenever,

16:57

whenever I catch a new episode

16:59

of your podcast I catch a

17:01

distinct whiff of dead mouse in

17:03

my dead mouse in my nostrils.

17:06

Can you suggest other smells like

17:08

an associated problem to break this

17:10

link? All the best. And congrats

17:12

on the new baby Roger. Congratulations,

17:15

Roger, for that beautiful message. I

17:17

guess fusion cooking, you know, like

17:19

what's too quite smelly, a fish

17:21

pie, just fish pie. We'll go

17:23

with, but a fish pie that...

17:26

I don't think you can claim

17:28

fusion for suggesting fish pie days.

17:30

I thought I'd put fish and

17:32

pie together. Hello dragons! I'm looking

17:35

for a couple million pounds in

17:37

return for 20% of my business

17:39

idea, fish pie. Took a similar

17:41

months to drill down on the

17:44

numbers. Should we play, um, curdle?

17:46

Yeah, it's been a while, hasn't

17:48

it? And it has been a

17:50

while. So, should we reintroduce the

17:53

concept of it? I mean, I

17:55

tend to believe that. you know

17:57

if you weren't listening at the

17:59

start you don't deserve to know

18:02

but I think maybe that's the

18:04

more generous of the two yes

18:06

the cheeses for the Adarley Family

18:08

Christmas and Max is making the

18:10

listeners try to guess what they

18:13

are using the mastermind not the

18:15

TV show but rather the board

18:17

game and thus far we've got

18:19

one so one yeah I need

18:22

a pronunciation check how would I

18:24

pronounce the name M-E-A-D-H-B-H-B-H- A Mave.

18:26

Okay, Mave, okay. Yeah. Yes, hi,

18:28

Donald and Max, this is from

18:31

Mave. I'd like to suggest another

18:33

name for the cheese quiz. Who

18:35

wants to brie a millionaire? Really

18:37

good. It's very strong. So yes,

18:40

we had, if you remember, Ian

18:42

Kate, he has Cashel Blue, he

18:44

has Cashel Blue, he's then the

18:46

right position. Since then we've had

18:49

one more guess, I think. It's

18:51

going to take a long time.

18:53

Two more guesses? Yeah, and there's

18:55

been two more. And they have

18:57

not got a single... Not even

19:00

a splash, as we say, in

19:02

battleships. The jingle comes in. Ladies

19:04

and gentlemen, let's play. Kurdle, what

19:06

did you fond do yesterday? Five.

19:41

Iris is our next

19:43

contestant. We'd like to

19:45

buzz her in David.

19:48

I'm so excited. I'm

19:50

so excited. I didn't

19:52

want to build it

19:55

up. I just wanted

19:57

to spring it on

19:59

you. Yeah, it's better

20:02

that way. Yeah, Iris,

20:04

what have you got

20:06

for us? Oh my

20:09

God, it's so good.

20:11

Hello Max and David

20:13

Maltese. Of course, we're

20:16

still listening since Iris.

20:18

I generally listen to

20:20

the podcast while I

20:23

work, but I've also

20:25

listened while submitting my

20:27

PhD application. Good luck

20:30

with your PhD. What's

20:32

it in? Let us

20:34

know. For Kurdle, Master

20:37

Ryan. Oh yeah, Master

20:39

Ryan, what did you

20:41

do for on doing

20:44

yesterday? Here is Iris's

20:46

guesses. Okay. Cash Elle

20:48

Blue. Bing, Bing, Bing,

20:51

Bing. Chedda. Right? Manchago.

20:53

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change. Right, let's do so much

25:00

correspondence, but we don't have time because

25:03

we always go on too long.

25:05

We know people only want a

25:07

short little midweek hit of this

25:09

goal. So it's your turn, David. It's

25:11

difficult this because we're recording your

25:13

evening my morning. We're actually in

25:15

different days right now, which is

25:17

pretty wild. So this is your yesterday,

25:20

which is quite a long time

25:22

ago for you. So you've got

25:24

to actually use your memory for

25:26

this. And so Sunday is exciting, isn't

25:28

it? We're looking at a Sunday

25:30

for you for you. I just

25:32

flew back to Dublin a couple

25:34

of hours ago, so I'm on tour

25:36

at the moment. Hence this slightly

25:38

raspy voice. I'd say a lovely

25:40

voice, David. It's brought a real

25:42

road dog quality to this birdcast. I

25:45

woke up in Birmingham yesterday morning.

25:47

Wow, okay. Having hotel du vire.

25:49

Hotel du Birmingham. Was it? Well,

25:51

it's interesting because the tour is

25:53

quite budgeted. So I tour solo

25:55

with my novelty plastic keyboard and

25:57

a sports bag because it's very

26:00

simple. show to do. I'm very

26:02

happy to do that and to

26:04

get trains like Michael Portillo and

26:07

then I'm very lucky to have

26:09

an agent that organizes it all

26:11

and just sends me pages of

26:13

this is the time your train

26:16

is, this is the time your

26:18

flight is, your sand checks at

26:20

this time, and you're staying in

26:23

this hotel. So there is always

26:25

an excitement as to sometimes, I

26:27

think there's probably a budget for

26:29

each day, and sometimes it's a

26:32

lower quality three-star hotel, a double

26:34

tree by Hilton, for example, fine,

26:36

but just basic. But it happened

26:39

to be malaise on. Whoa! Yeah,

26:41

which it was me and the

26:43

Newcastle United football team were all

26:45

staying there. Did you breakfast with

26:48

Joe Willock? This is exciting. The

26:50

old gag. No, because I hadn't

26:52

paid for the breakfast. Okay. Breakfast

26:54

is wasted on me. It's nicer

26:57

just to lie on after the

26:59

gig the night before. So... We

27:01

wake up probably at about nine.

27:04

I mean the Hellencopter and living

27:06

with her has really reformed my

27:08

old decadent lions. Or by even

27:10

when I'm on tour I still

27:13

wake up what I would consider

27:15

to be quite early. She rules

27:17

with an iron fist, didn't she?

27:20

Doddles up you get, it's 5am.

27:22

Cold bucket of water on your

27:24

heads. So I had a journey

27:26

to make to bath, but the

27:29

train wasn't going till 12. Got

27:31

it. So I had a nice

27:33

two and a half hours in

27:36

there. Your life is like Maxby.

27:38

Three, two hours. I can't imagine

27:40

it. I can't imagine it. What

27:42

did you do? Did you just

27:45

sit there just reveling? We've covered

27:47

this before, but... I love a

27:49

bath. Yeah. And what sort of

27:52

a bath do I love? A

27:54

hot bath. Yeah, oh good. We're

27:56

in dangle territory here everybody. Is

27:58

it like a flake advert bath?

28:01

That's what I'm imagining. All the

28:03

some things, streamers, and it's full.

28:05

It's like, oh, it's brimming, it's

28:08

brimming, it's just cascading down, you

28:10

know, the hallway of mamazon, and

28:12

you're just there, decadently lowering your

28:14

self, sack first, into the sack

28:17

first. Jeepers! Did you have to

28:19

say that? No, I think, look,

28:21

obviously this podcast is very successful.

28:24

But, yeah. So Ed Gamble, for

28:26

example, his tour is very successful

28:28

as well. So he's Hotel de

28:30

Van, which is like, I'd say,

28:33

the next one up. And that

28:35

I feel will be more like

28:37

a flake advert type of a

28:40

hotel. Mine's more of a standard.

28:42

room I would say in this

28:44

it's still a great hotel and

28:46

yeah I make it too hot

28:49

and then I spend ages just

28:51

lowering myself into it while you

28:53

were lowering yourself were you thinking

28:55

about the podcast yeah it has

28:58

affected a lot of things I've

29:00

said on this that I never

29:02

said out loud and I've realized

29:05

I just thought everyone did that

29:07

really but to listers who weren't

29:09

to wear I slowly dunk my

29:11

balls. Well I dunk the whole

29:14

chassis. They just come first. I

29:16

mean you can't help it. They

29:18

do. They come first. I think

29:21

ninjas can suck them up, can't

29:23

they? You can train yourself to

29:25

like pull your balls up into

29:27

your body so that then you

29:30

can't be kicked in the balls.

29:32

If I told you this, me

29:34

and some friends were at the

29:37

2006 World Cup just as fans.

29:39

I didn't work in the in

29:41

the industry at that point and...

29:43

We were just playing cards in

29:46

a pub and these other England

29:48

fans were just being really unpleasant

29:50

and just because we were playing

29:53

cards they were just yelling like

29:55

a beautist and it was just

29:57

you know like this is tiring.

29:59

They were incredibly horrible. My friend

30:02

Ollie was just like, it would

30:04

be so great to be a

30:06

Ninja, right? Because then you can

30:09

just turn around and say, I'm

30:11

really sorry, but I don't really

30:13

like the way you're behaving. And

30:15

I am a Ninja, so you

30:18

don't stop. I'm just going to

30:20

have to break all your arms.

30:22

I don't want to do it,

30:25

but that's just what is going

30:27

to happen. But then we googled

30:29

how long it takes to become

30:31

a Ninja and it is ages.

30:34

Oh really? Yeah it's hard it's

30:36

not easy it's no quick fix.

30:38

Can you do a night chorus

30:41

over a couple of years? Yeah

30:43

I've gone down to four days

30:45

a week and now on a

30:47

Friday I'm just trying to be

30:50

an injury in his bed so

30:52

I mean I see where it

30:54

goes I'll try and you know

30:56

I don't know I think I'll

30:59

probably keep my normal job and

31:01

then just do a bit of

31:03

injuring on the side but you

31:06

never could become something. There's an

31:08

amazing confidence to it. I have

31:10

a friend who is a friend

31:12

who is a boxer. he obviously

31:15

just has these great powers but

31:17

he never leans on them but

31:19

just the fact that you have

31:22

them in your back pocket yeah

31:24

i just always feel like not

31:26

that i don't feel safe normally

31:28

but when you're walking along a

31:31

drunken street you know what i

31:33

mean where some part of you

31:35

is like something mad could happen

31:38

well when i'm with Andy it's

31:40

just like i think it's gonna

31:42

be fine it's gonna be absolutely

31:44

fine i have a little bath

31:47

and then pack up all my

31:49

bits, which is a two-step process

31:51

where I pack my bags. Now,

31:54

my bag is overfilled. I play

31:56

a three-foot novelty keyboard, but over

31:58

the last few months since Brexit,

32:00

I've always enjoyed buying obscure cycling

32:03

stuff on various eBay or Facebook

32:05

marketplace, but now you get... Hit

32:07

with 20% import charges or something

32:10

if I buy it in the

32:12

UK and have it sent to

32:14

Dublin So I now have it

32:16

sent to my agent's office in

32:19

London and then my agent had

32:21

arrived a couple of nights before

32:23

with these four parcels Right. And

32:26

I didn't remember what the things

32:28

were. So trouble with you foreigners

32:30

just trying to bend the rules.

32:32

We got our country back specifically

32:35

so you couldn't get cycling paraphernalia

32:37

for its normal price. There you

32:39

are circumventing the rules. So have

32:42

you ever fallen in love with

32:44

a specific pair of jeans, Max?

32:46

I wouldn't say like falling in

32:48

love. It would have been one

32:51

of those loves that just grew

32:53

in the sense that I wore

32:55

them every day and I never,

32:57

they were always on the floor

33:00

and I put them on, but

33:02

I never like outwardly felt it,

33:04

but it was there. But were

33:07

they a specific like Levi's 753

33:09

orange tab or whatever? Hmm, I

33:11

think I had a diesel, I

33:13

had some diesel years. Very suckery,

33:16

yeah. Some diesel years in the

33:18

2000. 10s. Yeah, you used to

33:20

wear your teacher backwards and had

33:23

a picture of a lady and

33:25

a brow. So my trousers are

33:27

2017 leave eyes for a short

33:29

time made commuter jeans. Wow. Now

33:32

what are they? Springy. Are they

33:34

springy? I'm wearing a pair at

33:36

the moment so I'm going to

33:39

take you around us and hopefully

33:41

the listeners will join me on

33:43

this journey. So they look like

33:45

normal. Trowers. They do. Just for

33:48

the tape. David has now put

33:50

one knee up. A bit like

33:52

Vic Reeves would put on when

33:55

he was trying to sort of

33:57

flirt with the female guest on

33:59

shooting stars. He's got one leg

34:01

up. Okay, yeah, nice. First thing

34:04

you'll see, I'm going to put

34:06

my butt towards the camera. Yeah,

34:08

yeah, I can see it there.

34:11

There's a reinforced gusset, which is

34:13

from cycling, you can wear out.

34:15

the gusset bars yeah yeah it's

34:17

reinforced there's a strap where a

34:20

kryptonite lock it's right there a

34:22

kryptonite lock can can go there

34:24

Yeah, I see it. Where your

34:27

trousers turn up at the bottom

34:29

here, there's a reflecty bit here.

34:31

Yep. And they are all, they're

34:33

made in a slightly springy material

34:36

that is also waterproof. Now, the

34:38

world ran out of them a

34:40

few years ago, so I now

34:43

buy crudy old secondhand pairs. Amazing.

34:45

Yeah, I managed to track these.

34:47

How many pairs have you got?

34:49

Maybe about six. Okay, I would

34:52

say. All my trousers. All your

34:54

trousers are those. That's amazing. The

34:56

problem is, Max, they're too warm

34:58

for post, I'd say, the 15th

35:01

of April. On the 15th of

35:03

April, you got to put them

35:05

in one of those bags, you

35:08

vacuum and shut, you put it

35:10

away till Halloween. So... Interestingly, I

35:12

wear the same pair of shorts

35:14

for sort of like about nine

35:17

months of the year now. And

35:19

then when I get to London

35:21

for the summer, I put them

35:24

back on, I put them back

35:26

on. And I'm really under they

35:28

crouchless. They're getting that way. There's

35:30

I don't need to sort of,

35:33

there's a sort of, I need

35:35

to show this to you. You

35:37

know, you get that little hole,

35:40

that's getting there. And then I

35:42

noticed that one of the back

35:44

pockets is sort of falling off.

35:46

So they're quite a thin material.

35:49

Right. Yeah. They're comforting. So I

35:51

walk down to Birmingham New Street

35:53

train station then. I need to

35:56

eat. Find something. I end up

35:58

going to giraffe, which is really

36:00

disappointing. Yeah, that's a five out

36:02

of ten old. Unless the podcast

36:05

is brought you by giraffe in

36:07

which case. Bing bing bing. Right

36:09

now, yeah. You go there with

36:12

kids because they've got colouring pencils,

36:14

I think. The portions aren't even...

36:16

Big. Really? Okay. Nothing. Okay. But

36:18

I'm doing an important task while

36:21

I'm there. The day after tomorrow,

36:23

I have to do a table

36:25

quiz for the Irish rugby team

36:28

who are in town. At the

36:30

moment. Yes. And they've asked you.

36:32

Yes. To formulate the quiz. So

36:34

I've been working on this. I've

36:37

been stockpiling. That's why I asked

36:39

you if you had any good

36:41

spare quiz questions. Yes, I sent

36:44

you my quiz. Well, there's only

36:46

three questions in your quiz is

36:48

the problem. They made it. Well,

36:50

I'm still writing it up. I

36:53

think the one about what is

36:55

the longest animal on earth that

36:57

might make it in. Isn't the

37:00

problem that they've all listened to

37:02

the podcast and we did this

37:04

quiz? No. It was cut out

37:06

that bit. It was so dull.

37:09

Yeah. Wow, I really thought that

37:11

was some gold. I should have

37:13

listened back to this. Is any

37:15

of my staff stay in? What's

37:18

the longest animal? That's great. Everyone

37:20

listens, like, I wanna know, we

37:22

can't tell you because it'll be

37:25

cut out again. Okay, it's exciting.

37:27

Email in if you think you

37:29

know what the longest animal is.

37:31

So then straight on the train

37:34

to bath and... Bath is so

37:36

funny. Did you have a nice

37:38

trip? How was a train? Yeah,

37:41

a train was fine. I was

37:43

working away. It was a classic,

37:45

slightly too full English train. Yeah,

37:47

it's funny, the delusional gap between

37:50

what I imagine, train travel to

37:52

be like, to what it is

37:54

actually like, you know, I imagine

37:57

myself just like smoking a... Marlborough

37:59

Light out the window, you know,

38:01

just really thinking of her poor

38:03

life. And the scenery is always

38:06

beautiful countryside. You're never just depots.

38:08

It's never just depot up to

38:10

depot up to depot. But the

38:13

reality is, it's a lot of

38:15

depots. Yeah, and it's basically staring

38:17

at your phone as it goes

38:19

five bars. Actually four, then E,

38:22

then four. We're going to five.

38:24

It's a tunnel. We're down to

38:26

another. That's effectively what it is

38:29

for two hours. I have to

38:31

change in Bristol to then get

38:33

to Bath. Bath is just too

38:35

nice. Particularly on this tour where,

38:38

you know, it's not all glamour.

38:40

English towns, but I always think

38:42

Bath is like if Americans designed

38:45

in English town, what they think

38:47

England is like is pretty much

38:49

just this. I think it'd be

38:51

funny if instead of Pompey being

38:54

like covered in ash and the

38:56

people being frozen, if it had

38:58

been Bath as another Roman town

39:01

and then to find them just

39:03

doing hilariously middle class English things

39:05

even in the... Second century busy

39:07

just this person is perfectly preserved

39:10

buying their second pair of hunter-wellies

39:12

yes yes I will say this

39:14

about these tours because you know

39:16

it's quite solitary I do enjoy

39:19

that aspect of the day sometimes,

39:21

but then it turns into too

39:23

many people from 8 o'clock for

39:26

two hours then. So I do

39:28

like to sometimes just slightly disengage

39:30

from people for the afternoon and

39:32

yesterday afternoon Ireland played Scotland in

39:35

the rugby and that I decided

39:37

I will watch that not in

39:39

a pub, but just lying in

39:42

bed. Just lying on the bed.

39:44

When you were watching the game,

39:46

were you thinking, I bet he,

39:48

that number seven with his big

39:51

cauliflower ears, I bet he, you

39:53

know, got the longest animal is?

39:55

Were you like thinking about the

39:58

quiz? My initial thought was Chris

40:00

Hoy, Britain's greatest Olympian, brought out

40:02

the ball for the start of

40:04

the match. Okay. something that would

40:07

never happen in your football. I

40:09

know Chris Hoy, so I texted

40:11

him a slightly threatening message that

40:14

he wasn't allowed to stare at

40:16

any of our players. And then

40:18

what was really nice was about

40:20

10 minutes later, it showed him

40:23

up in a box watching the

40:25

match with his wife. and he

40:27

was looking at his phone and

40:30

then he texted me a minute

40:32

later so it's possible that he

40:34

had been caught live texting on

40:36

the BBC. You could have started

40:39

saying do this, you know, just

40:41

put one, you know, do the

40:43

teapot, do a little teapot and

40:46

then he'd know that he was...

40:48

Ireland killed him. It was a

40:50

very good performance by Ireland, so

40:52

thank you. Thank you very much.

40:55

And who knows how much better

40:57

they're going to be when I've

40:59

motivated them with the quiz as

41:02

well. Are you doing the quiz

41:04

like just before kickoff? Is it

41:06

like so the Kiwis do the

41:08

hacker and then you come on

41:11

with your keyboard and then you

41:13

just go what's the capital of

41:15

Uruguay? It is A B or

41:17

C. animal on earth, that's a

41:20

really good question. That's definitely going

41:22

to be one of them. The

41:24

worst would be is if you

41:27

ask them what's the longest animal

41:29

on earth, but you didn't tell

41:31

them at all half time and

41:33

then the whole first half they'd

41:36

all just be there. They just

41:38

wouldn't be focused in the line

41:40

out because they'd just be thinking,

41:43

they'd be like, I wonder, it's

41:45

surely a blue whale, but maybe

41:47

how... Tell me this, so what's

41:49

the fastest mammal? The cheetah. No,

41:52

it's a bat. There's a bat

41:54

that goes like twice as fast

41:56

as a cheetah. But is that

41:59

an annoying, a classic, you know,

42:01

where where the group is just

42:03

like, oh, shove it up your

42:05

hole? Yeah, exactly. Interestingly, there's a

42:08

season here where at about six

42:10

in the evening, the bats do

42:12

a sort of migration like the

42:15

wilderbeast in the seren Getty from

42:17

just one side of our garden

42:19

to the other. They are not

42:21

the fastest. They're going like Jimbo

42:24

the Jet Set. They're literally going

42:26

like a one mile an hour.

42:28

They go very slow. It's all

42:31

quite mesmerizing. They're big and then

42:33

they all eat the mulberry bushes.

42:35

She's got a mulberry tree, is

42:37

it? Oh, I don't know what

42:40

it is. But they eat them

42:42

and they shit all over I

42:44

go on. So it's not as

42:47

romantic. But yeah, for some month

42:49

of the year, we're just, you

42:51

know where people are like, it's

42:53

bad shit crazy. Actually, it's not

42:56

crazy. It's just really, wow. It's

42:58

really annoying. It's actually, it should

43:00

be, they're batch it annoying because,

43:03

you know, sometimes it's like streaks

43:05

down the window. Anyway, so these

43:07

are flying foxes, these are enormous.

43:09

Big bats. They're fruit bats. Maybe

43:12

they have fruit bats, so they're

43:14

eating the fruit and it's not,

43:16

it's not, it's not, it's not,

43:18

it's not, right now, right well.

43:21

Maybe they're meat bats, too of

43:23

the words, words, to put together.

43:25

It's easy to forget that you're

43:28

not shitting bricks at my... You

43:30

know that whenever the BBC starts,

43:32

you know, the search for the

43:34

new opera, you will just be

43:37

furiously sending your little emails off.

43:39

I actually, I've bats in my

43:41

garden so I think I'd be,

43:44

I'd probably be the most qualified

43:46

person to. There are two types

43:48

of bats. Bats. Bats. Bats. So

43:50

we watched the match. The match

43:53

kicks off at three, but I

43:55

then watched a lot of analysis.

43:57

I then watched some football afterwards.

44:00

I can't remember. I think asked

44:02

him. Yeah, there would have been

44:04

times to feed to us in

44:06

Villa, yes. That's what it was.

44:09

And then I had to go

44:11

off in a bit of a

44:13

mood then to do the sound

44:16

check. Sound check is 6.15 usually

44:18

on my gigs, because the gigs

44:20

at 8. So the text always

44:22

thinks the sound check is going

44:25

to take much longer. But I

44:27

don't really, because I can't really

44:29

sing and I play the piano

44:32

quite badly, it just doesn't matter.

44:34

So if the sounds coming into

44:36

the room, I'm like, that is

44:38

crystal clear. So we're in bath,

44:41

we're in commedia. Comedea, Comedia, K-O-M-E-D-I-A.

44:43

It's a beautiful old musical type

44:45

thing with a balcony and we

44:48

do the sound check. Now the

44:50

problem is there hasn't been much

44:52

food in this day. There was

44:54

giraffe and then I ate all

44:57

the biscuits in the double tree

44:59

by Hilton. You know those really

45:01

sugary sweet, sweet, sweet, hotel. Biscots.

45:04

So that's all we've had. And

45:06

then I make a terror. One

45:08

of the number one rules of

45:10

stand-up comedy, Max, is never get

45:13

food in the restaurant right beside

45:15

the venue because you meet the

45:17

entire audience who some of them

45:19

are sneakily taking photos and... other

45:22

people are. Do you think they're

45:24

taking photos to see if you've

45:26

created a few new fusion disks

45:29

from the from the menu? There's

45:31

just a sense. There's a sort

45:33

of a naph excitement that I

45:35

am in five guys that is

45:38

sort of like teacher during the

45:40

summer holidays vibe because everyone's like

45:42

we're going to see you and

45:45

then they'll normally say something like

45:47

you better be funny. You know

45:49

just something. Yeah. Oh no, well

45:51

absolutely. And then... When someone says

45:54

that to you, you want to

45:56

say, oh just fuck off. It

45:58

would be great if you did.

46:01

his whole past. Yeah, also a

46:03

guy did the the absolute classic

46:05

and he definitely thought he was

46:07

the first person ever to be

46:10

like me and me wife have

46:12

loved you since we saw you

46:14

in the IT crowd which is

46:17

Chris had out and then and

46:19

but I I think the best

46:21

way to deal with that is

46:23

I just I go oh thank

46:26

you very much. So it just

46:28

appears like I wasn't really listening.

46:30

I think I'm meant to

46:32

be like, oh, you got

46:34

me again. But I order

46:37

too much five guys. Still

46:39

yummy. I know it is.

46:42

They've started printing the calories

46:44

on the, and my tipple

46:46

is the Bacon Cheese Burger,

46:49

and it's twice as many calories

46:51

as the other ones. And the normal

46:53

one is like 25 million isn't it?

46:55

You have to start running as soon

46:58

as you've finished it and never stop

47:00

until death to run it off. Sort

47:02

of what they're telling you. Do you

47:05

know the worst part is I in

47:07

for a penny and for a pound

47:09

at where I'm like sure I'll get

47:11

a I'll get a milkshake then. What's

47:14

the point in anything? But you're not

47:16

quite full for the gig, you know.

47:18

Yes, it's a really really bad

47:20

idea. Okay. But it's delicious at

47:22

the same time. gig starts at

47:24

eight. There's a woman sitting in

47:27

the front row with her arm

47:29

in a sling and she won't

47:31

tell me what happened. I'm not

47:33

a chatty cathy type of a

47:35

comedian, but it's a very, it's

47:37

a bright green sling. And, but

47:39

we wear her down at the start,

47:42

she's going for the, she goes,

47:44

I'm a stunt woman, etc, etc,

47:46

etc. Yeah. And again, I just,

47:48

I don't have those Obrian skills

47:50

where he would really dig into

47:52

it. So if someone says I'm

47:54

a, I'm a stone woman, I'm

47:56

just like, oh for fuck's sake,

47:58

and just carry on. with Any

48:48

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FCA Group Marketing SPA used with

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permission. The

53:46

late group Leonard Skittered would just

53:48

suddenly appear, but it didn't happen.

53:50

Enjoyed it nonetheless, walked back in

53:53

the rain to the double tree

53:55

by Hilton. and then lay there

53:57

just slightly loose after my few

53:59

chaotic pints with Emily my agent

54:02

and her friend Bailey and then

54:04

ended up watching the entire second

54:06

half then. Oh wow. Yeah, nothing.

54:09

It was, so the really good

54:11

player didn't play well. Like it

54:13

seems like a lot of American

54:15

football is about the quarterbacks about

54:18

this one guy and he just

54:20

didn't, he wasn't really in the

54:22

mood maybe. And so the result

54:25

was four of them. Just as

54:27

the Super Bowl ended that was

54:29

my yesterday was a day lovely

54:31

day. It was a good day.

54:34

Yeah, the gig was fun. I

54:36

should I should there's too much

54:38

focus when you're on tour as

54:41

to how the gig goes. and

54:43

that will dictate a lot of

54:45

your mood to the point where

54:47

there's towns in England where I'm

54:50

like, oh I love that place,

54:52

like Stockton Antis being a classic

54:54

one, and sort of an under-loved

54:57

town, but I always had great

54:59

gigs there. So I always think

55:01

also my favorite places in England,

55:03

absolutely. The gig was super fun.

55:06

in Bath and unfortunately I only

55:08

left room for five hours sleep

55:10

before my journey back to Ireland

55:13

but that's not relevant because it

55:15

happened today sorry Max and well

55:17

that's your day we're done that's

55:19

lovely what a nice I feel

55:22

you know we're back on the

55:24

horse we're back in the horse

55:26

we've done well And we've got

55:29

an episode this weekend with someone

55:31

who knows who it is. You

55:33

seem similar. You know, I was

55:35

worried that your whole personality might

55:38

have changed now with the great

55:40

weight that a second child brings

55:42

to you. But you seem more

55:45

or less the same guy? I

55:47

don't feel I've changed. But who

55:49

knows? You know, give it another

55:52

week. They lull you kids. You

55:54

think I've got it nailed and

55:56

then they actually, they turn around

55:58

and say that. is not how

56:01

it works anymore. Is it the

56:03

case that the first one is

56:05

now just looking after the second

56:08

one? That's what they say isn't

56:10

it? If you have one child

56:12

it's a lot of effort but

56:14

get a second one and you

56:17

can just go back to your

56:19

old life again. Yeah me and

56:21

Jay went to the cinema yesterday

56:24

and we just said to Ian

56:26

just look after really just making

56:28

some spag bowl. He did okay

56:30

for someone who's not three yet.

56:33

Yes and here's how you get

56:35

in touch if you would like

56:37

to. To get in touch with

56:40

the show you can email us

56:42

at what did you do yesterday

56:44

pod@gmail.com follow us on Instagram at

56:46

yesterday pod and please subscribe and

56:49

leave a review if you liked

56:51

it on your preferred podcast platform

56:53

and if you didn't please don't.

56:56

And remember the only way we

56:58

accept curdle guesses is now through

57:00

five-star reviews. And also to anyone

57:02

who listens to Shannon Side FM,

57:05

that tune will have reminded you

57:07

of the mortality. The death notices

57:09

music. We can't end like, oh

57:12

do you? Oh we just did,

57:14

we just did, it's alright. It's

57:16

okay. It's alright. It's okay. See

57:18

you soon everyone. Hey

57:30

there, I'm Kima Bob, and I have a new

57:32

podcast. It's called Iceburks, and it's about the endless

57:34

journey to find ourselves and find out what it

57:36

really means to have self-acceptance and self-love. I'll be

57:38

exploring the inner landscapes of some of my favorite

57:40

people. Oh, I don't like being self-worth. And asking

57:43

them about who they are, how they got that

57:45

way, and how they feel about it. That's subjective

57:47

what I do on stage. that I

57:49

was ugly like I was

57:51

like record record executives told

57:53

me it. bit of their

57:55

past. past? I need more

57:57

time being alone than I

57:59

thought. And how they

58:02

navigate all that stuff. That's

58:04

definitely something I think

58:06

my therapist would have to

58:08

bring in would The thing

58:10

about it on. The only about

58:12

of is above the surface. is

58:14

90 the surface. can't even even

58:16

And I think people I

58:18

a lot like that. a

58:21

And if they're not,

58:23

then not, a really dumb

58:25

name for a podcast. a podcast.