0:00

How do you deal with your intention and

0:02

action gap, right? And trying to bridge that

0:04

gap. Yeah, so who you intend to be

0:06

and the action, the act of who you

0:08

are, right? And being in that gap, I

0:11

think a lot of us find ourselves in

0:13

that gap, right? And the reason why we

0:15

find ourselves in that gap is because we

0:17

are considering so many other people instead of

0:20

ourselves. And sometimes when you have

0:22

to actually be honest with yourself,

0:24

it might mean that you lose

0:26

relationships. I always used to think

0:28

I'm special. I'm special. Like back

0:30

in the day, like I was

0:32

keeping her special, right? Yeah. Like,

0:34

no, no, no, no, different. You

0:36

know what that is? Yeah. It

0:38

was the fact that you had

0:40

a positive sense of identity. You

0:42

felt like you were worthy. You

0:44

were hopeful. You felt like you

0:47

were worthy. You felt like you

0:49

were worthy. There's something to live

0:51

for. Yeah. That's what's what's carried

0:53

you. That's what makes you so

0:56

ambitious. Sure. Oh, I had distinctions. I, but

0:58

I need... Yeah, I really... You

1:00

had no distinctions in you went

1:02

to medical school! We'll talk about

1:04

that. Okay. Hello Wisdom and

1:06

Wellness Family. We have got

1:08

your favorite today, our favorite,

1:10

in fact. She's a dedicated

1:12

medical doctor, public health advocate,

1:14

digital creator, founder of Clulus

1:16

Mom, podcaster, podcaster, mom, soon

1:18

to be wife, and the

1:20

most relatable person on Tiktok.

1:22

Oh, a chomi, doctor, a

1:24

kala kala, how are you?

1:26

How are you chomes? I'm

1:28

good. I'm good. I'm really,

1:30

really, really, really good. Yeah.

1:32

Actually, the last time you were

1:35

here, we were talking about finances.

1:37

Yes. Which is quite interesting. I

1:39

think you can't help it be

1:41

personal. That's just who you are.

1:43

Yes, it is. But people really

1:45

enjoyed it. And now we're just

1:48

gonna have a nice chat. A chomi

1:50

chat. A chomi chat. Speaking of chomi.

1:52

Why chomi? And why be so honest

1:54

in the way you, I don't wanna

1:57

say deliver content, because like a watch

1:59

you. talk you're doing where you're literally

2:01

getting ready and like you look like

2:04

how I look like your one t-shirt

2:06

is on like this and you're just

2:08

going but you're so comfortable to put

2:11

yourself on camera like that why? Because

2:13

I'm me you know I don't want

2:15

to have this pressure of being something

2:18

else that I'm not. Yeah. Maybe because

2:20

I've lived under that pressure for quite

2:22

some time. So being a chore me

2:25

I think is is the best way

2:27

for me to really connect with people

2:29

because that's my one objective. Yeah. Well,

2:32

main objective actually with using social media,

2:34

right? Yeah. gone from connecting with each

2:36

other in person and now we're connecting

2:39

with each other in social media. And

2:41

I really feel that people, including myself,

2:43

are not looking to connect with people

2:46

who want to always sell as an

2:48

image. Correct. So yeah, I don't have

2:50

the time. I genuinely don't have the

2:53

time to sell an image. It's not

2:55

naturally me, right? I am. messy, I'm

2:57

clumsy, I'm perfectionist, I have anxiety, I

3:00

love my daughter, I love speaking about

3:02

my man and I'll never change that.

3:04

And I think presenting myself this way

3:07

is me owning myself in the space

3:09

where you can easily lose yourself and

3:11

other people start to write your script.

3:14

I don't want to have that. I

3:16

feel like I've already done that in

3:18

reality for a very long time. So

3:21

when I had social media I was

3:23

like, I am going to take charge.

3:25

and how I present myself needs to

3:28

be comfortable and easy for me that

3:30

I don't feel that I need to

3:32

put on a wig, I need to...

3:35

Okay, I still use the filter. I

3:37

need to see. It's levels. It's levels.

3:39

It's levels though. So yes, I'm not

3:42

completely vulnerable, but yes. But I think

3:44

it's a start. So I started with

3:46

the whole filter thing, because I used

3:49

to, but I've never really used heavy

3:51

filters, but like, you know, and then

3:53

I realized this one time when I

3:56

was about to take a video and

3:58

I. and I didn't have a filter

4:00

on and I'm like, I don't like

4:03

how I look and I started having

4:05

a problem with that. And also with

4:07

having children and at the time my

4:10

kids and I would play with filters.

4:12

And then whenever I would take a

4:14

picture, she'd be like, Mommy put that

4:17

filter and I'm like, this is not

4:19

gonna end up well. So for me,

4:21

it started with a filter. And then

4:24

it became about my podcast and we

4:26

had a conversation about this, the podcast,

4:28

how I appear because I started feeling

4:31

pressure that I need to have this

4:33

type of makeup, this type of hair,

4:35

these kind of outfits. And like you

4:38

said, like it's so exhausting and it

4:40

takes out of the, takes the joy

4:42

away from everything you're doing. But the

4:45

way you present yourself, using that word

4:47

lightly, is that how you are now

4:49

with your own life personally or you

4:52

are hoping it just trans... late to

4:54

just really be able to shop as

4:56

yourself all the time? I think personally,

4:59

especially in the last few years, let's

5:01

say from a, when I made Dumello,

5:03

right, because Dumello started to become kind

5:06

of like that safety net which made

5:08

being vulnerable a little bit easier because

5:10

I had a security blanket. Does that

5:13

make sense? Yeah. So when I show

5:15

up as myself with this person who

5:17

I deem important or relationship I deem

5:20

important I was being loved, I was

5:22

being celebrated, I was being embraced. Then

5:24

it kind of like filtered into my

5:27

reality, how I present myself with my

5:29

friends and so forth. I'm still learning

5:31

though. Yeah, we all are. Yeah, you

5:34

know, I'm still learning, but with the

5:36

people that I'm very close to, yes,

5:38

I have that. But I even spoke

5:40

about this, was a question I asked,

5:43

right? I went to an event where

5:45

there was Robin Shama there, right? And

5:47

the question I asked him was, how

5:50

do you deal with your intention and...

5:52

action gap, right, and trying to bridge

5:54

that gap. Yeah, so who you intend

5:57

to be and the action, the act

5:59

of who you are, right? And being

6:01

in that gap, I think a lot

6:04

of us. find ourselves in that gap,

6:06

right? And the reason why we find

6:08

ourselves in that gap is because we

6:11

are considering so many other people instead

6:13

of ourselves. And sometimes when you have

6:15

to actually be honest with yourself, it

6:18

might mean that you lose relationships. Right.

6:20

So, not even might. It means. It

6:22

means. Yes. Yeah. Yeah, it means. It

6:25

means. So I am still grappling with

6:27

that. There's some points I've made the

6:29

leap, right? And that's where people will

6:32

start saying speak about boundaries and so

6:34

forth. But I'm still in that gap.

6:36

So I'm not completely... myself with everyone.

6:39

I'm not completely honest to myself with

6:41

everything. Especially like friendships. Yeah, friendships is

6:43

like a trick. We're gonna get into

6:46

it. We're gonna talk about friendships, but

6:48

I want to know what about your

6:50

upbringing. I think we did touch a

6:53

little bit about your upbringing. I think

6:55

we did touch a little bit about

6:57

your upbringing in a little bit. And

7:00

I don't know if you've done one

7:02

of those means where you say, oh,

7:04

I love being a girl or something

7:07

like that. and it's like it's the

7:09

makeup and all of that. But also

7:11

as a mother, and I think you're

7:14

so honest about those roles, what about

7:16

your upbringing has informed how you show

7:18

up? Yeah, so my mom definitely, you

7:21

know, watching her, she's the most vulnerable

7:23

person ever. Really? Yes, she is. She

7:25

is the first safety net before Tumel,

7:28

right? My mom has always. presented as

7:30

herself. There was, I feel like I

7:32

got an opportunity to see her awakening

7:35

and was a beautiful thing to witness,

7:37

right? My mom before seemed very contrived,

7:39

seemed very stoic, seemed very controlled, right?

7:42

Okay. And then she... Is this in

7:44

your earlier years? Yes, my earlier years.

7:46

So this was before the age of

7:49

eight, right? And I never felt like

7:51

I could ever connect with her. I

7:53

thought that... the only way I could

7:56

connect with her is by being the

7:58

best version of myself. Are you a

8:00

first born? No, I'm the last born.

8:03

Okay. Yeah, I'm the last born. But

8:05

I'm the first one she raised. Okay,

8:07

okay. Because she raised my sister with

8:10

my grand, with my grand, right? Okay.

8:12

And she didn't really, like, fully raised

8:14

me. She raised me with a community

8:17

of friends. Yeah. I was always busy.

8:19

She's very ambitious, you know, all of

8:21

that. So, I see this woman as

8:24

someone that I can only connect to

8:26

if there's an achievement element to me,

8:28

right? So that kind of brings in

8:31

the overachieve aside of me, right? The

8:33

people please a side of me. Because

8:35

my mom is never talking to me,

8:38

but she'll talk to me if I

8:40

have an achievement. Oh, then what happens

8:42

is... We get to your seven or

8:45

your eight, okay, your seven, we go

8:47

through a very traumatic thing in our

8:49

family. We were held by gunpoint. We

8:52

were held to hostage by gunpoint, right?

8:54

I've spoken about this on my social

8:56

media. So that's why I'm comfortable sharing

8:59

it. And then she divorces my father.

9:01

So it was like trauma, trauma, trauma.

9:03

It was like weird. So this is

9:06

all happening at 7-8 and these are

9:08

the most important years of your development.

9:10

it's happening right sure I'm I'm forming

9:13

my voice then yeah as you say

9:15

yes I'm starting to hear myself correct

9:17

in spaces right so I'm forming my

9:20

identity sure so then we have to

9:22

move and we moved many times so

9:24

during that phase there was no opportunity

9:27

for her to uphold this this controlled

9:29

or contrived version of herself. Unfortunately, reality

9:31

was making her break down those walls.

9:34

And then I got to see her.

9:36

I got to really experience her because

9:38

nothing was controlled anymore. Your way you

9:41

love is not controlled anymore. You don't

9:43

have your relationship anymore. You're not married

9:45

anymore. Now you need to investigate. Who

9:48

am I? I'm whatever. I'm 37 years

9:50

old. I'm 37 years old. I've got

9:52

two children. I've got a teenager who's

9:55

quite rebellious, but the greatest. My sister's

9:57

the best, by the way. But she

9:59

was also just trying to form herself.

10:02

I've got the seven-year-old and now I'm

10:04

divorced. Like, what does it mean? Yeah.

10:06

Just watching that, watching that experience, mom

10:09

dealing with pain, my mom dealing with

10:11

identity crisis in terms of friendships, you

10:13

know, losing money. It was starting over.

10:16

It was... beautiful for me personally because

10:18

it taught me to be vulnerable. I

10:20

was about to say it sounds like

10:23

a gift. It was. I thank her

10:25

every day for that. It sounds like

10:27

a gift and sometimes we like to

10:30

idolize the word growth, becoming best version

10:32

of yourself and we think it's going

10:34

to come with a little... brush of

10:37

flash, but actually the most beautiful moments

10:39

like you say, it's when you lose

10:41

yourself and you lose everything, it's actually

10:44

when you start finding your core and

10:46

becoming like you experienced. And she became

10:48

so soft. So it wasn't that softness

10:51

that we started to have conversations. Now

10:53

we're talking about things that not a

10:55

lot of people speak about and that

10:58

relationship has carried me through so much

11:00

and her being that, it's like... It's

11:02

such a gift. I tell her all

11:05

the time because I can imagine she

11:07

had an idea of who she was

11:09

going to be, what she was going

11:12

to achieve, what she was going to

11:14

do. You know all these things and

11:16

it wasn't the reality and I think

11:19

when she looks at herself she sometimes

11:21

sees us off as a failure but

11:23

I always say to her you succeeded

11:26

and you see it and God will

11:28

bless you through us. I keep telling

11:30

her that and you know and she

11:33

is kind of seeing that. Yeah, you

11:35

know, how did you during your teenage

11:37

years when all of this is happening,

11:40

I'm sure there's constant anxiety because of

11:42

being held hostage, your parents not being

11:44

in the same household, as a teenager,

11:47

how did you find safety? Because I

11:49

think I can imagine how you could

11:51

have easily rebelled in a way. that

11:54

could have taken your future, right? Where

11:56

you get to that point where you're

11:58

35 and you're like, okay, I've messed

12:01

up. But I think you kind of

12:03

figured it out quite soon, quite early.

12:05

What do you think held that together?

12:08

What gave you that level of safety

12:10

that just because one to happen doesn't

12:12

mean my life is over? It's a

12:14

sense of self. So, you know, the

12:17

work that I'm doing right now. Right.

12:19

I don't know if you know this.

12:21

I work with the project. Giretti. Yeah.

12:24

Everybody told me about it last year,

12:26

where it was still kind of happening.

12:28

Very important. Yeah. Yeah. And a huge

12:31

part of the work that we're doing

12:33

is focused on teenage identity. Oh, man.

12:35

Because if you have a strong sense

12:38

of identity, what can that do for

12:40

you? What can it open up for

12:42

you? Right. I always used to think

12:45

I'm special. Like back in the day,

12:47

like I was keeping her special. You

12:49

know what I'm saying? You know what

12:52

that is? It was the fact that

12:54

you had a positive sense of identity.

12:56

You felt like you were worthy. You

12:59

were hopeful. You felt like you were

13:01

worthy. There's something to live for. There's

13:03

something to love for. That's what's carried

13:06

you. That's what makes you so ambitious.

13:08

Sure. By the way, not a lot

13:10

of people actually have that feeling. I

13:13

was about to say. And I didn't

13:15

know that. Right? So that's in, that's

13:17

what is now going into the work

13:20

that we're doing. But going back to

13:22

your question, right with me. I did

13:24

rebel. I had to. I'm a teenager.

13:27

Yeah, I'm curious. My mom once found

13:29

me at Hadfield Square slapped me right

13:31

in the face. Oh, you also mean

13:34

slapped me too? Oh, I was slapped

13:36

at 14. Yeah. Like I was slapped

13:38

at 14. Yeah. Like I got the

13:41

mess. Yeah. Oh, no, I parted for

13:43

life. I still party now. Oh, no.

13:45

I parted. So, but then it was

13:48

in collaboration with her. It was according

13:50

to her rules. She had a policy.

13:52

I love that word in collaboration. Yeah,

13:55

it was in collaboration. She knew I

13:57

had this need and I will definitely,

13:59

I have to give it up to

14:02

my mom for that because she had

14:04

inside. as a mom of my safety

14:06

right but she realized and I think

14:09

she realized it with raising my sister

14:11

that if I hold her back she

14:13

will do worse sure right my sister

14:16

didn't do bad by by the way

14:18

I'm not saying that but I'm just

14:20

saying that if you hold them back

14:23

that's when they are more curious and

14:25

then their curiosity does not involve you

14:27

does not involve that that level of

14:30

of responsibility Firstly, I feel like you're

14:32

dropping so many things and every time

14:34

you say something, I just want to

14:37

stop because you're just giving so many

14:39

gems on motherhood, you're giving gems on

14:41

collaboration in parenting, you're giving gems on,

14:44

you said something that there's a curiosity

14:46

and if it does not involve the

14:48

parent, either way. It's going to be

14:51

there. But you need to involve the

14:53

parents. So this is something also with

14:55

understanding the teenage brain. Yeah. You know

14:58

how they always speak about the prefrontal

15:00

cortex and all that stuff? It is

15:02

true. It is actually true. So teenagers

15:05

utilize their emotional centers, right? They're amygdala

15:07

and so forth, to make decisions. There's

15:09

nothing wrong with that. And I think

15:12

it's also very important that you don't,

15:14

you don't just push them away and

15:16

say, you don't know anything. They are

15:19

curious to know, however. what they're going

15:21

to utilize as a tool to understand

15:23

what they are curious about might not

15:26

always be the safest for them. That's

15:28

where as a collaborator, as a parent,

15:30

you come in and say, ah, show

15:33

me. You know, my prefrontal court takes

15:35

you and that is here. And I

15:37

know I have evidence. Sure. Because we

15:40

work on evidence space. The way you're

15:42

rational, the things, the decisions that you

15:44

make is rational because you have evidence.

15:47

You once were curious, you made mistakes,

15:49

or you see what's around you, right?

15:51

You know that the fire burns. Aha.

15:54

Yeah. So that's what actually helped me

15:56

as a teenager is that I then

15:58

had access. to that of bringing me

16:01

back to to to to to center

16:03

and she was someone that I centered

16:05

around me so making her happy was

16:08

very important to me yeah yeah I

16:10

was about I want to throw in

16:12

this question that what is where do

16:15

we draw the line because there's Oh,

16:17

my parents made me, my parents allowed

16:19

me to do everything and I wish

16:22

they were a little more strict. And

16:24

then there's the other side of my

16:26

parents were too strict. And it seems

16:29

like, it sounds like your parent, your

16:31

mom found a kind of a good

16:33

balance that worked out. So where do

16:36

we draw the line between allowing the

16:38

emotions and not shutting them down? Because

16:40

I think when you're, when you grow

16:43

up with parents too strict, then you

16:45

don't understand your emotions, you learn to

16:47

shut them down. Right. And so my,

16:50

my, my, my, my, my, my, my,

16:52

my, my, my, my, my, my, my,

16:54

my, my, my, my, my, my, my,

16:57

my question, my question to you, my

16:59

question to you, my question to you,

17:01

really is what is a better balance

17:04

there's no perfect way of doing it

17:06

but what's a better balance because I

17:08

think we're speaking to teenage parents now

17:11

yeah we are we are so obviously

17:13

I'm not raising a teenager but I

17:15

used to be a teenager and that's

17:18

what I will say to you and

17:20

you've got medical background well yeah I

17:22

mean yeah but I mean besides that

17:25

let's not even put the expertise in

17:27

it right yeah you used to be

17:29

a teenager yeah so be honest I

17:32

think honesty is the actual thing. Be

17:34

honest. Be honest about what you want

17:36

to achieve. If you are looking at

17:39

things, you taught me this, from a

17:41

lens of scarcity, then you are going

17:43

to be fearful. Oh, okay. Or you're

17:46

going to overdo. Okay. Right? Yeah. You're

17:48

going to be fearful if, let's say,

17:50

from scarcity point of view. You're going

17:53

to be fearful that your child will

17:55

never reach there, right? Yeah. Or the

17:57

other side where you're doing too much,

18:00

you're going to be fearful that you're

18:02

losing your relationship, you're going to lose

18:04

your relationship with your child, right? You're

18:07

not your child's friend. Right. But there's

18:09

different roles. that you can play in

18:11

that relationship, even with our partners, even

18:14

with your romantic partner. I always say

18:16

this to people that you need to

18:18

realize that even your dynamic in your

18:21

relationship will have to sometimes shift. Sometimes

18:23

you're going to be the romantic partner,

18:25

but sometimes you're going to be a

18:28

caregiver. Sometimes you're going to be a

18:30

parent in a sense. Sometimes you're going

18:32

to be a sibling. Sometimes you're going

18:35

to be a friend. With a parent,

18:37

I think it's also a very important.

18:39

But it starts with honesty. Be honest

18:42

with yourself. I also used to like

18:44

this thing. Oh, I'm very scared of

18:46

this. And you know, when you're honest

18:49

with teenagers, they help you guide the

18:51

relationship as well. And then you have

18:53

that collaboration. My mom's honesty is what

18:55

changed everything. She was vulnerable with me.

18:58

She shared everything. She shared everything. She

19:00

didn't hide things from us. She wants

19:02

to set us down, I'll never forget

19:05

this. She wants to set us down

19:07

with her budget and said, that's when

19:09

I started learning finance, by the way.

19:12

This is how much money I get

19:14

in. This is what it does. This

19:16

is what it does. This is what

19:19

I'm stressed. Sure. This is why this

19:21

is going to happen. They're going to

19:23

repossess the car, which we went through.

19:26

This is why it's happening. I was

19:28

not, I was, obviously I didn't like

19:30

the situation, but she involved me in

19:33

it, which allowed me to trust her,

19:35

which also means that when she gives

19:37

me, when she repromons me or she

19:40

gives me advice, I'm willing to take

19:42

that because I trust her. You trust

19:44

her. Yeah, but let us trust come

19:47

from honesty. I love how you say

19:49

that and I love, like I see

19:51

why it's such a gift that your

19:54

mom went through what she went through

19:56

because she had no choice but to

19:58

be honest. It's like, listen, there's no

20:01

picture to hold out. It is what

20:03

it is. And secondly, we've had this

20:05

conversation, but I never saw it in

20:08

parenting. It's either you leading from love

20:10

or from love or from fear. And

20:12

from fear. Another way of from fear

20:15

is when you hold on too much,

20:17

but when there's love, there's honesty, there's

20:19

vulnerability and there. is trust. I want

20:22

to ask you, you work a lot

20:24

with teenagers, now that you hear. And

20:26

I believe that most of the group

20:29

you work with, that's where you kind

20:31

of identify that a self of, a

20:33

sense of self identity or understanding is

20:36

not always prevalent, right? No, it's not.

20:38

And it's not easy. It's kind of

20:40

a soft marker. What do you think

20:43

differentiates the child who Not all kids,

20:45

let me find a way to phrase

20:47

it, not all kids who come from

20:50

wall of families have a good self-confidence,

20:52

right? And vice versa. So what do

20:54

you think separates the child who gets

20:57

to have a good sense of self?

20:59

Community. Oh, the environment, yeah. So, who

21:01

is speaking about the Saturday? Right? I'm

21:04

glad you understood my question because I

21:06

was struggling to put it together. Yeah,

21:08

the work that I do, we do

21:11

that all the time. It's just like,

21:13

yeah, like, but we know what I'm

21:15

trying to get, right? So what you're

21:18

trying to, what you're asking me is,

21:20

how do you get a good sense

21:22

of self? Yes. What, what, what, what,

21:25

what contributes to it? Yes, correct. Because

21:27

you do have circumstances that you have

21:29

to think about. Yes, right? Yes. Right.

21:32

just talking about where does identity actually

21:34

sit when we look at a teenager?

21:36

Does it sit under agency and resilience

21:39

or does it sit with agency and

21:41

resilience? Okay, so how I look at

21:43

it is your community is very important.

21:46

Yeah. And community doesn't mean a lot

21:48

of people, it can even be one

21:50

person. Who are you connected with? And

21:53

what kind of information are they giving

21:55

back to you? What kind of environment

21:57

are they creating for you? Sure. Let's

22:00

give you an example. In a school,

22:02

right? We have enabled. factors so we

22:04

have teachers we have infrastructure and all

22:07

those things if those are not there

22:09

a child can't actually learn yeah right

22:11

yeah but their motivation to learn is

22:14

not determined by that right it's determined

22:16

by their sense of self but you

22:18

can contribute to it as a teacher

22:21

sure if you create an environment where

22:23

a child feels that I can fail

22:25

and get up and I can do

22:28

better or I can make a mistake

22:30

and still be given an opportunity to

22:32

do better, they start to feel a

22:35

little bit better about themselves. Yes. And

22:37

they also are more willing to engage,

22:39

which gives them an opportunity to actually

22:42

explore themselves, which is very important. Exploration

22:44

is also very important, where then you

22:46

will have more of a developed sense

22:49

of identity. Sure. Because identity is the

22:51

development. Yeah. Yeah. There's two points that

22:53

you mentioned. The first one is engage.

22:56

I think we undermine how important it

22:58

is to have engaged children, especially teenagers,

23:00

and engage in a sense that sometimes

23:03

we think just because they don't talk

23:05

a lot, they don't go out, they're

23:07

not out there in personality wise, then

23:10

they go. But it's like that is

23:12

a, I guess that can also give

23:14

an indication of check your child. Are

23:17

they engaged with what's happening around them,

23:19

with what they doing, with how they're

23:21

growing? That's the first thing I picked

23:24

up. I picked up from what you're

23:26

saying is that identity and self-confidence is

23:28

not because of what they achieve. It's

23:31

a matter of saying it's creating a

23:33

safe environment where you can make a

23:35

mistake and if you're allowed to make

23:38

a mistake then you can engage then

23:40

you can grow through it then you

23:42

can discover who you are and that

23:45

essentially builds identity like you said identity

23:47

like you said identity is developed over

23:49

time we our identities are still developing

23:52

am I correct? Sure your sense of

23:54

self your sense of self worth and

23:56

I love that you speak about the

23:59

child that is quiet yeah because this

24:01

is even something that I speak to

24:03

educators that It's very important that you

24:06

don't pick on the quiet one, but

24:08

you create an environment that is inclusive,

24:10

that includes them. Because once they can

24:13

start to hear their own voice, they

24:15

know how to connect with themselves better.

24:17

And then overall, they know how to

24:20

then contribute to the greatest society. Love

24:22

that. What inspired, it's beats by cats,

24:24

right? Beats by cats? Don't for me

24:27

cats. on my notes, Cas, Cas, Cas,

24:29

Cas, what inspired starting Featsby Cas, then

24:31

clueless moms, and then now the route

24:34

you took in your profession, you could

24:36

actually be on call, you could be

24:38

in the hospital, you could have your

24:41

own practice, but you are busy with

24:43

teenagers. Yeah, I love that. Okay, let's

24:45

talk about Beesby Cas. Beatsby Cas, my

24:48

mom on her 40th birthday was gifted

24:50

with a makeup sit. But you know

24:52

those makeup sets that used to sit

24:55

in disc him and clicks? Yeah. So

24:57

they had everything. That was the problem.

24:59

They had blush, lipsticks and everything. Ice

25:02

shadow. Ice shadow. They were never for

25:04

our color, nah. So she never really

25:06

wanted to engage with it, right? It's

25:09

so nice. I love this conversation because

25:11

I'm also like going back and like

25:13

realizing my mom becoming a girl. Yeah.

25:16

You know like. getting into girlhood. So

25:18

she didn't want to play with that.

25:20

She was still comfortable with foundation. She

25:23

was still trying to find out her

25:25

foundation. Got you. This is at 40.

25:27

Yeah. Yeah. So the nice part is

25:29

that I was also included in that

25:32

process where she's trying to find her

25:34

girlhood. She's trying to get makeup. She's

25:36

building her confidence again. And she's bringing

25:39

me with her to start a first

25:41

and whatever. But with that makeup palette.

25:43

Ah. I would sit at home, I

25:46

would play with that thing. There was

25:48

even a show, I can't remember if

25:50

it was a TLC or what, there

25:53

was a show where they used to

25:55

transform people. Yes, TLC. it was no

25:57

I think the channel actually went away

26:00

it was when they launched e-entertainment they

26:02

launched them all at once it was

26:04

talking about yes they would have a

26:07

segment in between yeah in that segment

26:09

you show me that segment was amazing

26:11

in that segment they had a makeup

26:14

artist I remember who they're makeup others

26:16

was I read like quick yeah Five

26:18

minutes, I said, whatever. So I would

26:21

play and whatever. And then I would

26:23

take it to school and the beauty,

26:25

I love that life is a circle.

26:28

The beauty of it is there was

26:30

a transgender child in our school and

26:32

I would do makeup on her. Sure.

26:35

Quite a lot. Sure. And I guess

26:37

that has also fit into my work

26:39

right now. Yeah. Yeah. But anyway, yeah.

26:42

So that's what, that's how Bieswack has

26:44

started. So you weren't trying to create

26:46

a business. You would just. discount pick

26:49

up. I love it. I love it.

26:51

I love it. And then I needed

26:53

a financial, another financial avenue. I needed

26:56

some sort of an income because we

26:58

were struggling at home at some point.

27:00

This is why you're in medical school.

27:03

Yeah. We were struggling at some point

27:05

and then that's when the business came

27:07

out of the passion. And that's why

27:10

the business does not exist anymore, but

27:12

the passion still exists. Yeah, because the

27:14

need was met. Yeah, the need was

27:17

met. I got no income. Okay, clueless

27:19

moms. Clueless moms, my journey. Yeah, I

27:21

speak about this a lot. I had

27:24

quite a tumultuous journey. I felt very

27:26

isolated in it because of our African

27:28

customs. You keep quiet, hush hush hush,

27:31

whatever. Nobody in my family understood what

27:33

I was going through. I wanted to

27:35

speak about it. It was so cool

27:38

that Dejah Zintra actually spoke about her

27:40

going through the same thing I went

27:42

through on her show. That was the

27:45

only thing. However, all I had when

27:47

I was on bed rest and dealing

27:49

with this issue was YouTube, right? And

27:52

on YouTube, all I saw were women

27:54

of white women from America and England

27:56

that didn't make me feel really like

27:59

could really resonate to relate. Yeah, I

28:01

could relate, but I couldn't resonate. And

28:03

remember I was watching it because I

28:06

wanted to have some sort of hope

28:08

that I would get out of my

28:10

situation. So I was searching things like

28:13

emergency sichlodge. So just to give you

28:15

a bit of a background, I had

28:17

to have a stitch to maintain my

28:20

pregnancy, to preserve my pregnancy, right? Because

28:22

my cervix was opening up before the

28:24

time. Which I'm quite I'm finding is

28:27

more common than not. It's quite, because

28:29

I can think of a few women

28:31

I know in my space who've gone

28:34

through that. And at first it was

28:36

shocking, but then I realized someone else

28:38

went through it and I'm like, this

28:41

is not a conversation, but it's actually

28:43

happening. I didn't even know the name

28:45

for it. Right? Exactly. It's called cervical

28:48

competency. Or... Okay, I forgot the word.

28:50

But anyway, yeah, so I'm going through

28:52

that and then all I see is

28:55

white women speaking about it, but I'm

28:57

not getting the story of a black

28:59

person, so I don't really trust. Right?

29:02

And then I started to speak about

29:04

it. And once my child was deemed

29:06

safe, I started to speak about the

29:09

fact that I was isolated, and then

29:11

I felt clueless. And then a lot

29:13

of other women came in and said,

29:16

I also feel clueless about this. And

29:18

then we called ourselves the clueless moms,

29:20

right? But the beauty of that is,

29:23

and I spoke about this once, that

29:25

this is where the power of vulnerability

29:27

comes in. I had the

29:29

opportunity to really connect with them, which

29:32

meant that I was also able to

29:34

identify their needs. And that's why clueless

29:36

moms is a program with everything else

29:39

that I do. That's what actually really

29:41

inspired it. It's always personal. I think

29:43

purpose is always personal. It's very hard

29:46

to have impact if you haven't experienced

29:48

something, because then you lack empathy. But

29:50

if you know what the pinch feels

29:53

like, you're able to empathize and bring...

29:55

Well thought out solutions because you know

29:57

exactly what. this feels like. But the

30:00

issue with that sometimes is that you

30:02

can kind of get lost in your

30:04

own pain. Yeah. And sometimes pain has

30:06

a different face. So I'm also just

30:09

trying to get out the mud of

30:11

looking at clueless moms only from my

30:13

lens. So now we have a committee.

30:16

Oh wow. So I've got like... eight

30:18

women or seven women yeah I think

30:20

we are eight who are helping me

30:23

to to take care of clueless moms

30:25

in a different way in a more

30:27

holistic way that it's not just from

30:30

my legs yeah it's not subjective it's

30:32

more objective as objective as it can

30:34

be yeah yeah they really helping me

30:37

out a lot I really need to

30:39

say thank you to them actually thank

30:41

you to me's and then the root

30:43

you took I guess it's also kind

30:46

of tied now to everything you're sharing

30:48

but the roots in your in your

30:50

medical root I guess profession you didn't

30:53

go the the root you'd be expected

30:55

to take was that intentional did you

30:57

know that was the case or did

31:00

you see yourself wearing scrubs when you

31:02

were studying like where did you see

31:04

yourself? Yeah that's so funny hey so

31:07

I wanted to be a doctor once

31:09

upon a time yeah and then that

31:11

thought left my mind and I want

31:13

to become an actress. I speak about

31:16

this actress. Yeah, I want to be

31:18

an actress. I want to be a

31:20

playwright and an actress. Wow. It was

31:23

big. It was a big thing for

31:25

me. Yeah, I'm a storyteller. Yeah, a

31:27

storyteller. Yeah, a storyteller. Yeah, a storyteller.

31:30

Yeah, a storyteller. Yeah, a storyteller. Yeah,

31:32

I find myself in. I never. thought

31:34

I was going to be a doctor.

31:37

Every year was a surprise. We did

31:39

it. We did it. Look at us.

31:41

We did it. Wow, let's get going.

31:44

Final, yeah. You know, yeah. I never

31:46

had the confidence in medicine and that's

31:48

something I need to be quite honest

31:50

about because people think that doctors are

31:53

very confident people. I did not feel

31:55

confident. at all. And then you see

31:57

yourself in practice and you will make

32:00

mistakes, by the way. Mistakes doesn't mean

32:02

killing. But I was about to say

32:04

like... It's different mistakes, like there's a

32:07

number of mistakes in there's like somebody's

32:09

body and kind of mistake. No, it's

32:11

just like, it's just like, you know,

32:14

um... There's also an element of people

32:16

pleasing where you want to always show

32:18

up for your consultants or your seniors.

32:21

You want to look great in their

32:23

eyes as well. But sometimes the patient

32:25

can be neglected in that process, right?

32:27

Because it's about you now. Yeah, it's

32:30

about you now. But I love seeing

32:32

myself as a doctor. I loved it.

32:34

But that's when I then realized that

32:37

I'm really good at communications. because that's

32:39

how I'm connecting with my patients. That's

32:41

why my patients love me. I'm good

32:44

with communicating with them. I'm able to

32:46

help them understand and have the language

32:48

for the things that they're going through.

32:51

And that's just played into everything that

32:53

I do, then my digital content creation

32:55

and so forth. So having that foundation

32:58

of digital content creation and health promotion,

33:00

that's what allowed me to get into

33:02

get ready. And then when I was

33:04

in Guillady, I was like, this is

33:07

more comfortable for me. I was too

33:09

anxious as a doctor. Yeah. Too anxious.

33:11

It was not livable. Like I was

33:14

not, I was gonna die. I was

33:16

gonna die. Okay. I was gonna die.

33:18

I was gonna die from gastritis or

33:21

something like that. I have never had

33:23

such bad ulcerative pain than when I

33:25

was a doctor. Sure. Like right now.

33:28

It's like I'm healed. It's like it's

33:30

like it's like now that I have

33:32

all this rest and all this time

33:34

I'm healed. It was not conducive for

33:37

me. It was not conducive for my

33:39

personality, but it was important in my

33:41

journey. It was very important in my

33:44

journey. And that's why I'll never take

33:46

it away from myself. It's a part

33:48

of my identity. I will always call

33:51

myself, Dr. Gatlajo, whether I'm treating a

33:53

patient or not. knowledge that is necessary

33:55

even in the work that I do

33:58

because some of the work that I

34:00

do have to think strategically. Yeah. You

34:02

are strategists by the way as a

34:05

doctor. But I mean I even the

34:07

way you just and packed how a

34:09

teenager thinks, like I can tell that

34:11

it comes from, it's like a strategic

34:14

way of thinking, like you understand the

34:16

brain to a certain extent, and so

34:18

I think it's important that when you're

34:21

approaching these young girls from different background,

34:23

and young boys, oh sorry, young girls

34:25

and young boys, these young ones, you've

34:28

got background, you've got knowledge and you've

34:30

got strategy, but I want to know,

34:32

did you ever have to mourn the

34:35

idea that you're not going to be...

34:37

doctor in the scrubs the way you

34:39

you said you loved the idea of

34:42

you being a doctor? No, no, right?

34:44

Are there times where I question myself,

34:46

right? If I'm going to be completely

34:48

fulfilled in this, without that identity being

34:51

very strong, because I mean I'm questioned

34:53

about that identity quite a lot. You

34:55

know, it's like... Oh, what kind of

34:58

doctor are you? Oh, what do you

35:00

do? Are you a real doctor? Are

35:02

you a real doctor? Are you a

35:05

doctor? Are you a doctor? Are you

35:07

a husband actually thought I was a

35:09

doctor, malinga? Kind of. Yeah, see, you

35:12

don't think I was a real doctor.

35:14

I don't, why? I don't know. Yeah,

35:16

but maybe because, I mean, doctors don't...

35:19

Well, you just woke up and decided

35:21

to be doctor, okay. But it happens.

35:23

We've had that. We've had that. Interesting

35:25

people in the old country. So I

35:28

could be that interesting person. So yes,

35:30

it's that sense of identity not being

35:32

that strong is something that yes, I

35:35

am grappling with. But then I made

35:37

a decision and I had to make

35:39

this decision when my HR consultant asked

35:42

me, why are you taking on this

35:44

job? what is it going to do

35:46

for your career going forward. And I

35:49

also has to speak to my coach.

35:51

So I talk to a lot of

35:53

people guys. And it will be for

35:56

me to determine that identity and to

35:58

reinforce myself in it. and to really

36:00

say that I am comfortable in being

36:02

a dogson this way. I love the

36:05

work that I'm doing. I think it's

36:07

important and I think it's important in

36:09

its own way. The impact that it's

36:12

going to make is not going to

36:14

be obvious. And that's the thing that

36:16

I just need to be okay with,

36:19

because the work that I used to

36:21

do before, the impact was obvious. And

36:23

immediate. Immediate. Instant gratification. The work I'm

36:26

going to do, I know for certain

36:28

in my heart, and I'm telling you

36:30

now, I'm going to go a water,

36:32

right? I'm committing this. My work, you

36:35

will only see it. maybe 10 years

36:37

or 10 years down the line. When

36:39

you look at the landscape of teenagers

36:42

and you look at the programming that's

36:44

around surrounding teenagers, that's where you'll see

36:46

my impact. It's not now. I love

36:49

how you say that. I'm a product

36:51

of a few teachers and I'm going

36:53

to see you as a teacher in

36:56

this instance. One was my English teacher

36:58

and she quickly identified the kind of...

37:00

She affirmed that I'm a leader. And

37:03

at the time, I think I was

37:05

busting the kids around a bit in

37:07

my class. Was it giving you? No,

37:09

no, no. This is in primary tools

37:12

high school. No, I'm saying is giving

37:14

your daughter new. Yeah, giving Nury, yeah,

37:16

Nury is a leader. Yeah, you told

37:19

me that. She's, yeah, she's very, yeah,

37:21

she's very, yeah, assertive and like she

37:23

knows what she wants, you know, and

37:26

she called me one time and she

37:28

said to me, um, you have a

37:30

very strong personality and I want you

37:33

to use it for good. And those

37:35

aren't the exact words she used, but

37:37

she affirms something in me that, you

37:40

know, there is this leadership thing, but

37:42

instead of using it to make everyone

37:44

follow me, use it to allow people

37:46

to become better versions of themselves. That's

37:49

the first one. Secondly, my accounting teacher,

37:51

the first accounting teacher, made me feel

37:53

like I was so stupid and I

37:56

write about it in my book, she

37:58

made me feel so stupid. And then

38:00

the second one, I said, I went

38:03

to it and I said, ma'am, I

38:05

got 46. And I want to finish

38:07

my trick with a distinction. Do you

38:10

think, what would it take? And the

38:12

first thing she said was, you can

38:14

do it. I know you can do

38:17

it. And then she walked me through

38:19

high school and finished with a 79%.

38:21

Well done, Jimmy. I had no distinctions.

38:23

Oh, I had distinctions. Yeah, I really.

38:26

You had no distinctions and you went

38:28

to medical school. Take a girl child

38:30

to work. Take a girl child to

38:33

a Celsius program. And I got to

38:35

go to a, I was very young

38:37

and I went because my mom's friend

38:40

had to make sure that the numbers

38:42

are numbering and I went, but it

38:44

was such a good experience. And I

38:47

think it shaped all those experiences 10,

38:49

20 years later, have shaped who I

38:51

am. So to affirm what you're doing

38:53

and what you're saying is that the

38:56

just. looking into someone's eyes who's never

38:58

had someone look in their eyes and

39:00

say, I believe you. I believe in

39:03

you. You will only understand it or

39:05

see that impact or maybe not even

39:07

hear about it, but in 10, 15

39:10

years time. Yeah, and I think that's

39:12

where you. When you want to do

39:14

important work, you have to take the

39:17

ego out of it. And you have

39:19

to decenter yourself from it. And I

39:21

think as a doctor, I was centering

39:24

myself a lot. I really don't want

39:26

to be attached to an ego anymore.

39:28

I haven't ego. Yes, I have ego.

39:30

It's what drives me, right? At some

39:33

point. But yeah, so the only morning

39:35

I had to do was that. Was

39:37

that like... Yeah, you. You have to

39:40

deal with yourself and say that you're

39:42

going to be in spaces where you

39:44

being a doctor is not important and

39:47

it's not good enough because you don't

39:49

have more to it. Sure. And that's

39:51

fine. But you know, and that's fine.

39:54

But you still need to do the

39:56

work and you have to create an

39:58

impact. And I don't want to be

40:01

the face of the impact that I

40:03

want to do. I want, especially with

40:05

key ready, I want the teenagers who

40:07

are going to participate to participate to

40:10

be the face of that. actualizing, South

40:12

actualization. Oh, that's beautiful. I love that

40:14

word, you know. How do I see

40:17

it? I even see it like, not

40:19

a flower, man. Actually, it's so, like,

40:21

I love that word instead of, instead

40:24

of self-awakening. Because actualization actually says that

40:26

you have an opportunity to. to fail

40:28

or to not always get it right.

40:31

Yeah. You know, it's like, it's like

40:33

you're molding. Yeah, it's like you molding.

40:35

Yeah, it's process. Yeah, self actualization. For

40:38

me, it started in my 30s, which

40:40

was last year. Yes. Yes. Both you

40:42

and I. Okay. It started, like, it

40:44

obviously was always there in the background,

40:47

but I started to look at it.

40:49

Ah, you know, sorry. Sorry I have

40:51

to say it. Okay, continue, continue. Did

40:54

I tell you about this quote before?

40:56

Dr. Shafali. I think you have spoken

40:58

about it. Yeah, I repeat things. Yeah.

41:01

Okay, it's called reinforcement. Yes, yes. I

41:03

repeat things. She has a book called

41:05

The Conscious Parents. And she speaks about

41:08

how you do not, you don't, you

41:10

don't find your authenticity. you awaken it.

41:12

And I've always looked at that it's

41:14

always inside of you. Yeah, yeah. You're

41:17

just going to reveal it, right? So

41:19

it's always been inside of me. So

41:21

the process of actualizing who I am

41:24

has been always started. Yeah. But now

41:26

I'm awake to it. I'm seeing it.

41:28

So now I'm able to. to identify

41:31

my needs. I'm able to identify the

41:33

things I need to work on, that

41:35

intentional action gap. I'm still in the

41:38

gap a little bit. But that's self-exualization

41:40

for me. That awakening up my authenticity.

41:42

I love that. And you keep emphasizing

41:45

the part of I'm still in that

41:47

gap. I think you'll always be. that

41:49

gap because then what would be the

41:51

point of life if you just close

41:54

all the gaps then what are you

41:56

doing with life no no no you

41:58

need to act to me no no

42:01

let me let me let me okay

42:03

maybe let me break it down of

42:05

that middle the way I let me

42:08

say the way I understand that middle

42:10

is I'm already doing the work I

42:12

see where I was, I see where

42:15

I'm going, but I'm not quite there

42:17

yet, but I'm already doing the work.

42:19

And so there's that gap where you're

42:22

just like, I should be here, but

42:24

I'm not, but I'm also not there.

42:26

That's how I see it. And I

42:28

think in different aspects of our lives

42:31

and spheres and spaces, we will always

42:33

have a gap somewhere. Otherwise, what are

42:35

we doing? We assignment complete, Dan, you

42:38

can go. So let's talk about this

42:40

intention action gap, how I came to

42:42

it, right. I was looking at climate

42:45

change. Okay. So it's just about, it

42:47

was about the activism. Where is your

42:49

activism? Right. And how I then related

42:52

it to myself in terms of the

42:54

activism I'm doing for myself is what's

42:56

my intention with my life? Yeah. And

42:59

how am I advocating for that to

43:01

make sure that I'm not in the

43:03

gap and I'm actually acting? Got you.

43:05

So how am I being honest with

43:08

myself and honest? Because the gap is

43:10

the dishonesty actually. Okay, okay. Yes, I

43:12

see how you're looking at it. I

43:15

see what you're talking about. Correct, correct.

43:17

What I'm talking about, when I say

43:19

the gap is the dishonesty. Yes, and

43:22

it's the self, it's the people pleasing.

43:24

Ah. It's it's it's it's that underdeveloped

43:26

identity. Got you. Got you. That's the

43:29

gap of you intend to use. Okay,

43:31

let's see. Let me give you example.

43:33

You intend to be a good wife.

43:35

Yeah. Marra, catlejo, hero libella, Vela, this

43:38

guy. You know, then you're in the

43:40

gap. Yeah. You're doing the opposite of

43:42

your intention. Oh, you're not doing enough.

43:45

process but you're not doing enough. And

43:47

then you're in the gap and that

43:49

makes you dishonest. It makes it difficult

43:52

for people to be around you. So

43:54

that's why I talk about the intention

43:56

action gap quite a lot. And that's

43:59

why I then brought it in even

44:01

with friendships. It's like being honest with

44:03

myself like what do I want out

44:06

of friendships, what the types of friendships

44:08

I want to have? Am I being

44:10

honest myself if I'm staying in this

44:12

friendship? Then I'm in the gap. you

44:15

know like you said in our 30s

44:17

that's when the awakening happens. Actually the

44:19

the it's always been in us but

44:22

like in your 30s it's as if

44:24

it like becomes a little more serious.

44:26

Yeah. So for me um gossiping and

44:29

lying is a huge, huge thing, right?

44:31

I cannot stand gossiping and it's a

44:33

value of mine that we do not

44:36

gossip. And so then I had to

44:38

look at my life and ask myself,

44:40

okay, are there places where I perhaps

44:43

gossip and don't necessarily see it as

44:45

gossip, right? And I identified and identified

44:47

and I realized that in order, the

44:49

only way the certain friendship or relationship

44:52

survives is if there's a level of

44:54

gossiping which we call caring or we

44:56

call staying in touch or we call

44:59

catching up. So for me now, to

45:01

close that gap is to say, this

45:03

has to be clear, is it a

45:06

value or is it not? No in-between

45:08

the ball. And if it's a value,

45:10

can this friendship survive without them? And

45:13

then I realize the friendship does not

45:15

survive without storytelling. And so then you

45:17

have to lose the friendship. And that's

45:20

where it becomes really painful. It's like.

45:22

you have to let go of a

45:24

relationship of a person because of a

45:26

value. It's a value. Exactly. That's where,

45:29

so the gap makes you interrogate your

45:31

value system. And it's hard because, it's

45:33

hard. It's hard because we have, we

45:36

have needs and we have ones, you

45:38

know, but sometimes they conflict with each

45:40

other. You want to be a certain

45:43

person, but you're doing things that don't

45:45

really measure up to that you be.

45:47

So it is true. And I mean

45:50

that's when people call people hypocrites and

45:52

I think we're all going to be

45:54

hypocrites at once in our lives. Guys,

45:56

please stop, stop being hard on people

45:59

for that. And also allow people to

46:01

develop in front of you. Yeah, to

46:03

grow, you know, like there, there will

46:06

be times I'll say to you, yeah,

46:08

I know, I don't spend anymore and

46:10

then you see me spending, you must

46:13

understand, it should be my own growth,

46:15

it's a process to be me, but

46:17

I'm just saying, correct. in a place

46:20

of productivity. But put you in a

46:22

place of productivity is interrogation, yes. But

46:24

you have to have grace there. You

46:27

have to have grace. You have to

46:29

have grace in that. So yes, with

46:31

friendships, it's a tough thing. Especially now

46:33

because we live in a digital age.

46:36

It doesn't matter if you're an influencer,

46:38

guys. It doesn't matter if influence or

46:40

not an influencer. If you're living in

46:43

the digital age, you'll start to realize

46:45

that we're losing a huge sense of

46:47

what friendships are supposed to be. Right?

46:50

I mean, a friend of mine the

46:52

other day was like, do you know

46:54

we haven't seen each other in a

46:57

year? And I was like, I did

46:59

not know that. And she's like, yes,

47:01

we have a false. we have a

47:04

false perception or idea that we are

47:06

we are in tune in each other's

47:08

lives because we see each other's stories.

47:10

You see? An older friend of mine

47:13

actually went and followed all her friends

47:15

on social media and yeah yeah she

47:17

went and followed all her friends on

47:20

social media. I'm kidding you? No and

47:22

she explained why she didn't follow me

47:24

because it's my work and she wants

47:27

to support my work. because I need

47:29

engagement and that's the way she can

47:31

support my work. But that's not how

47:34

she gets to find out everything else.

47:36

That's not how she gets to find

47:38

out about my life. So we start

47:41

engaging about this and she says, yeah,

47:43

she realized that why is my happy

47:45

birthday, you've got my number, why don't

47:47

you call me, why is the happy

47:50

birthday on social media and the tag

47:52

before you actually? pick up the phone

47:54

and say happy birthday or actually come

47:57

see me like what did we do?

47:59

And why that's valued more? Why is

48:01

that valued more? And and just so

48:04

many things that my real friends are

48:06

the ones who will know what's happening

48:08

in my life and because everything is

48:11

so online you just it's like you

48:13

said you you have a false False

48:15

view. Yeah, a false idea. You think

48:18

that you're very close to this person.

48:20

But really, what are you close to?

48:22

Yeah, because that's not all of you.

48:24

Because I was thinking, because as I

48:27

was preparing and I wanted to talk

48:29

about a friendship, I'm like, I wonder

48:31

if Dr. K has friends. I wonder

48:34

if she has friends, but then it's

48:36

that thing again where you think you

48:38

know everything about a person. And there's

48:41

just some intimate things that are meant

48:43

for your friends. And that's where I

48:45

guess the sense of connection has to

48:48

be maintained is that. Online cannot be

48:50

where we hold our our our friendship.

48:52

That's so hilarious, right? Do you think

48:54

I have? I've got a lot of

48:57

friends guys. I have a lot of

48:59

friends. But it's just no, no, did

49:01

you show me? You know, did you

49:04

show me? You know, I did show

49:06

me? Okay. I've got I've got my

49:08

friends. No, so yes, you would have

49:11

you would have. had those missing gaps,

49:13

like, you know, I'm filled in. Yes,

49:15

I do have friends, but you are

49:18

right in thinking, like you're wondering, like,

49:20

does she actually have friends? Because I

49:22

don't put that for it. You know,

49:25

it's not something. And. It's something that

49:27

I've been grappling with. Like it's something

49:29

that I've been, like I'm always back

49:31

and forth with myself. Friendship is so

49:34

important. It's such a wonderful way of

49:36

companionship, by the way. It's such a

49:38

beautiful companionship. I'm learning a lot about

49:41

it. I'm reading up on it because

49:43

I don't always get it right. And

49:45

you ask yourself, why don't I get

49:48

it right? Why do so many people

49:50

get it right? And then you realize

49:52

that there's also a dishonesty where a

49:55

lot of people seem to be getting

49:57

it right, right? If you challenge your

49:59

man, basically, right? If you challenge your

50:02

man, you'll hear that there's a lot

50:04

of conversations not being had, and that's

50:06

why our relationships are being sustained for

50:08

quite some time. Yeah, there's a little

50:11

vulnerability that is not there, right? Whereas

50:13

us girls, we're really willing to get

50:15

into the deep stuff and really connect

50:18

in that way, which sometimes... makes us

50:20

then realize that we actually are good

50:22

for each other. And enough for each

50:25

other, right? So yeah, do I have

50:27

friends? I do, I have beautiful friends,

50:29

I'm so excited to have them at

50:32

my wedding. Do I have a situation

50:34

where I'm just now thinking about how

50:36

do I position myself in my friendships?

50:39

Yes, because I need to show up

50:41

more for my friends, but I also

50:43

need to be honest. But I need

50:45

to be honest with my capacity. So

50:48

I think also what's very important is

50:50

to have a real honest conversation with

50:52

some people and being like, you know,

50:55

our friendship dynamic is this. I actually

50:57

spoke about this with my coach because

50:59

I had a very hard moment. I

51:02

had a friend call me out on

51:04

something and I was so afraid to

51:06

face her. I'm so grateful that she

51:09

did that. And it was beautiful to

51:11

have that conversation. It was hard for

51:13

her to speak to me about the

51:15

things that I did. to her that

51:18

made her feel very unhappy with me.

51:20

But I love the opportunity to speak

51:22

for myself. Yeah, I loved that. I

51:25

loved that. And through that, it taught

51:27

me something as well, through my other

51:29

friendships. But yeah, companionship through friendships is

51:32

very important and something that I'm still

51:34

trying to figure out. And I'm. I'm

51:36

in the gap with that because there's

51:39

certain values that I still need to

51:41

iron out and say that is this

51:43

actually important to me or is the

51:46

relationship more important to me? So who's

51:48

more important? Is, and I say this

51:50

in my podcast, is saying yes to

51:52

my friend and saying no to myself,

51:55

the journey I'm going to take on.

51:57

So is it a... without being with

51:59

the friend, having that sense of belonging

52:02

only, but without having that sense of

52:04

belonging with honesty, because we want to

52:06

belong. We all want to belong, but

52:09

you also want to go to bed.

52:11

Proud of your decision. Proud of your

52:13

decision and being happy. Like when you

52:16

make, there's going to be sacrifices in

52:18

relationships, but you want to be proud

52:20

of the sacrifices you made and not

52:23

feel like, oh. Like, you know, you

52:25

know, that feeling. Yeah, you got, have

52:27

you left someone and left them and

52:29

said, oh, I missed out. Still like

52:32

vomiting. Yeah. Yeah, as soon as you

52:34

get a little bit, I made a

52:36

mess. Oh, and guys, if I can

52:39

talk to anyone, please listen to that

52:41

intuition. Something actually once happened to me.

52:43

And it came to life only a

52:46

month later, but it related to that

52:48

situation. I felt sick. Yeah. But yeah.

52:50

Yeah, as you, as you actual actualized.

52:53

your body starts telling you. Going back

52:55

to actualizing for February, we're coming to

52:57

the end. Our theme has been self-control

53:00

as we studying the fruits of the

53:02

spirit. How big of a role do

53:04

you think self-control plays in the awakening

53:06

of actualization? Mmm, self-control. Very big because

53:09

that's the part where patience then comes

53:11

in, right? Okay. Yeah. Yeah, that's how

53:13

I see it. I mean, you want

53:16

to exercise self-control in that you don't

53:18

want to always be quick to do

53:20

things, not quick to anger, you know,

53:23

so forth. You want to actually, you

53:25

want to have that strategy, but you

53:27

need to be patient throughout it, right?

53:30

Yeah. So self-control is very important. It's

53:32

not easy to always have, right? Yeah,

53:34

you can literally have it now. But

53:36

there's certain things when you realize that

53:39

if you want to actualize, let's say

53:41

you want to actualize yourself becoming a...

53:43

really good speaker. You know, you need

53:46

to have that self-control that says that

53:48

I can't go out every weekend because

53:50

I need to spend time learning this

53:53

and but that also comes with patience

53:55

and saying that I have the patience

53:57

to allow this process to be what

54:00

it is and that's what really then

54:02

will bring in that self-control and we'll

54:04

kind of work together. I love unpacking

54:07

the word because it's so interesting how

54:09

different people have and understanding of things.

54:11

I understand it differently and I didn't

54:13

so we've been talking about it. packing

54:16

it the whole month. Then we did

54:18

touch a little bit on the patience

54:20

element of it, but I love how

54:23

you've expanded it a little more and

54:25

it speaks to your journey and we're

54:27

gonna speak about weight loss. I found

54:30

your journey on weight loss very interesting.

54:32

I think you kind of kick-started how

54:34

I did it. You actually really did.

54:37

Yeah, we were like really like involved

54:39

in each other. Yes, and I think

54:41

you were the one who, was it

54:44

you who spoke about the walking. Yeah,

54:46

I speak about it all the time.

54:48

What, no, but when you were here,

54:50

I think you spoke about the walking.

54:53

I can't remember, but what you- Five

54:55

am walking. No, just walking in general.

54:57

I can't remember, we've met quite a

55:00

few times since then, but what you

55:02

did for me, so I'm an ex-

55:04

I've always done things in an extreme

55:07

way and then I get results now

55:09

but then I can't sustain those results

55:11

right and specifically when it comes to

55:14

when it came to my body and

55:16

weight loss I always knew that okay

55:18

cool I've got 30 days 60 days

55:21

this is what I have to do

55:23

one two three four five and then

55:25

I do it and then I get

55:27

the results and then something happened and

55:30

then I'm back to you know to

55:32

the start and then I realize that

55:34

okay cool this is where I am

55:37

now which is kind of the worst

55:39

way I've ever been and I have

55:41

to lose let's say 10 kilograms. I

55:44

can do it in two months but

55:46

do I want to? I can give

55:48

myself a year and then we spoke

55:51

and you told me your methods of

55:53

doing it and then obviously your journey

55:55

has unfolded online right and I want

55:57

to know why she's so authentically like

56:00

you literally will be you will show

56:02

us where you're and honestly so, like,

56:04

honestly, so, in your underwear. We like

56:07

seeing that because, oh, yay, how refreshing,

56:09

you know, to see someone say they're

56:11

going through a journey and actually have

56:14

actual flab that looks like mine. So

56:16

I share so authentically and why go

56:18

the slower route, if I could say

56:21

so? In addition, we tried the one

56:23

program which was, there we go, that's

56:25

what it stemmed from. We tried the

56:28

one program which was extreme. Yeah. And

56:30

then you say to me, I ask,

56:32

I see, like, and then I let

56:34

it go to, yeah, it's not for

56:37

me, yeah, yeah. So, by the way,

56:39

legs. Yeah. Okay. We have to take

56:41

a moment for the legs. Thank you.

56:44

Thank you. Okay. We're done. Love it.

56:46

Okay, so that is part of how

56:48

I present myself on social media. I

56:51

can't be honest in one sphere or

56:53

in one facet of my life and

56:55

then the other side be. be dishonest.

56:58

Because then that will put me in

57:00

the gap. So my intention with my

57:02

with my with my social media, I'm

57:05

already in the action. I'm going to

57:07

be authentic. I'm going to always represent

57:09

myself, but I have limits to how

57:11

I do it. Okay. So like right

57:14

now I don't share a lot about

57:16

what I'm doing. Yeah. And someone thought

57:18

I was fall off and I said

57:21

no, it's a lifestyle. Yeah. I don't

57:23

want people to think that this is

57:25

a program. that I'm going into or

57:28

that I'm only doing it for my

57:30

wedding. In the beginning, I did. In

57:32

the beginning, it was really a superficial

57:35

goal in that I just wanted to

57:37

see my body change. But that's not

57:39

sustainable. What has sustained me is the

57:42

fact that there's so many other... It's

57:44

so many other benefits from working out

57:46

and being more conscious about what you're

57:48

eating. And conscious is the operative word,

57:51

right? Me being conscious doesn't mean I

57:53

always eat right? It's just me knowing

57:55

that if I eat this I know

57:58

what it's going to do to me.

58:00

Exactly. It's just it's it's it's literally

58:02

taking charge of yourself advocating for yourself

58:05

even to yourself. So you talk to

58:07

yourself and say german. Me sharing that

58:09

is very important because as I said

58:12

also before there's power and vulnerability and

58:14

one of the powers and vulnerability that

58:16

I have seen specifically with my page

58:18

is that I can motivate people to

58:21

take care of themselves and I do

58:23

that by building trust and when I

58:25

build trust you're more willing to take

58:28

to take what I share with you,

58:30

right? And I also show you the

58:32

evidence. So yeah, that's why I have

58:35

an intention with my page to do

58:37

good in that way. And that's why

58:39

I have to sometimes do the things

58:42

that people find uncomfortable. I don't hate

58:44

myself. That's also very important. I don't

58:46

hate myself. You never have, or you've

58:49

learned to not hate yourself. No, I've

58:51

never. I have, I have, I concede

58:53

with the people I used to date.

58:55

I don't hate myself now. And I

58:58

don't hate myself, I might not be

59:00

happy with parts of myself. And I

59:02

think that's very important in even in

59:05

the conversation about body positivity. When I

59:07

look at my body, I wasn't happy

59:09

with certain parts of it, but I

59:12

didn't hate myself. Because I realize that

59:14

if I hate myself throughout the process,

59:16

I am not going to do good

59:19

for my body. I have to love

59:21

myself. And it will never be enough.

59:23

Yeah, because I will never be, I'll

59:26

never have flat stomach. The one that

59:28

I want. It's not everything. You're not

59:30

willing to do what it takes to

59:32

get it. No, no, no, no. I

59:35

love what you say is that you

59:37

build trust through your honesty and I

59:39

was at a master class and they

59:42

asked me why did I write my

59:44

book? And I said I wanted to

59:46

write a book about healing and I

59:49

could have just said, here's the five

59:51

steps to healing. boring. Or I could

59:53

just show you my journey, continuous journey

59:56

of healing, and I've seen how that,

59:58

sometimes very uncomfortable, has actually encouraged other

1:00:00

people to say, okay, cool. And been

1:00:03

transformative. Yeah, being transformative. Did you ever

1:00:05

take a picture and think, oh, I

1:00:07

shouldn't post this? Or you've always been

1:00:09

like, hey, this is where I am,

1:00:12

and you know, let's do this. Yeah,

1:00:14

I mean, that's why you don't have

1:00:16

all the pictures guys. You might think

1:00:19

that picture is bad, there's worse. Yeah.

1:00:21

Yeah. So I can't show everything. Yeah.

1:00:23

Yeah. And I think that's very important

1:00:26

that people do understand that even in

1:00:28

my process of being honest and vulnerable

1:00:30

is that the limitations, because I have

1:00:33

to protect myself. So I always have

1:00:35

to make sure that the things that

1:00:37

I'm. comfortable with posting, I'm comfortable with

1:00:40

it being publicized elsewhere. Because that's what

1:00:42

happens, right? If you put things out

1:00:44

there, you need to realize that it

1:00:46

can go anywhere. If you don't want

1:00:49

a public opinion on something, then don't

1:00:51

put it out there. You know, but

1:00:53

yeah, so you have to be comfortable

1:00:56

with that. I'm gonna quickly rush through

1:00:58

this. Where are you with finances now?

1:01:00

The last time you were here, it

1:01:03

was off the... viral video of we

1:01:05

bought our house and we didn't think

1:01:07

it through. Where are you now in

1:01:10

terms of your finances? Still making, still

1:01:12

making quite like crazy decisions with my

1:01:14

finances, but it's more controlled. I sit

1:01:16

with my budget all the time. As

1:01:19

I said, we have a combined goal

1:01:21

to Melonie, which is to put together

1:01:23

this wonderful wedding and I didn't want

1:01:26

to do it. via credit and I

1:01:28

can safely say that it's not happening.

1:01:30

My taxes are showing me flames, but

1:01:33

I'm glad I'm engaging with that. That's

1:01:35

actually another part to our finances that

1:01:37

we need to speak about one day.

1:01:40

One day you'll come back. Where did

1:01:42

you show me? No, they didn't. But

1:01:44

I'm just saying, yeah, no, that's been

1:01:47

an aspect of my finances that I

1:01:49

couldn't share last time because I didn't

1:01:51

feel comfortable. My tax is dealing with

1:01:53

my taxes. I've now got a tax

1:01:56

person. I've now got a tax person.

1:01:58

That's always the first start. Stars. It's

1:02:00

uncomfortable. I had to pay. Yeah, so

1:02:03

it's still uncomfortable, but I feel more

1:02:05

in control. Yeah. My husband always says,

1:02:07

and he says his taxes every time

1:02:10

I get it. It's like, those uncomfortable

1:02:12

things. Just close your eyes. Do it

1:02:14

first. When he says close, you guys

1:02:17

face it, get it out the way

1:02:19

and then move on with your life.

1:02:21

I want to talk about navigating life

1:02:24

and finding joy and we're going to

1:02:26

quickly move through these questions. People pleasing,

1:02:28

you said such a beautiful thing, you

1:02:30

said I'm building a home in my

1:02:33

mind, a comfortable home. Break that down.

1:02:35

Yeah, so what I really want to

1:02:37

do is to be comfortable with my

1:02:40

decisions. When you put other people at

1:02:42

the center of your decision making, you

1:02:44

also need to remember that when you

1:02:47

go to bed, you'll be alone with

1:02:49

those thoughts. So, and that those thoughts

1:02:51

are the home that you create in

1:02:54

your mind. So, it needs to be

1:02:56

a comfortable space in my mind. So,

1:02:58

people pleasing has to be gone. It's

1:03:01

still going to, it's still going to

1:03:03

rear its head. Yeah. There'll be different,

1:03:05

there'll be new instances that will bring

1:03:07

it up. Yeah. So that's that's that.

1:03:10

Why do you think we people please.

1:03:12

Why do you think it matters so

1:03:14

much especially without generation? We people please

1:03:17

because we want to belong. Okay, that's

1:03:19

a mouthful. Gentleness is our next theme

1:03:21

and... My understanding of it is being

1:03:24

a kind person, a tender person, one

1:03:26

who is sensitive and I think your

1:03:28

work requires you to have a level

1:03:31

of sensitivity. Do you think you are

1:03:33

gentle with yourself? Do you extend the

1:03:35

same amount of gentleness in your growth

1:03:37

in your becoming as you do with

1:03:40

the teenagers detour me and everyone else

1:03:42

you serve? No, but I'm learning because

1:03:44

I have to mellow there. So he's

1:03:47

teaching me that it's very very important.

1:03:49

My anxiety always comes up kind of

1:03:51

to the surface. It makes it kind

1:03:54

of difficult for me to regulate and

1:03:56

I mean to regulate so when I'm

1:03:58

disregulated and for me to be kind

1:04:01

of fair to myself. Yeah, and I

1:04:03

think it comes with this thing of

1:04:05

exposing yourself to too many people where

1:04:08

you feel like there's so many expectations

1:04:10

and people's expectations are important to you.

1:04:12

So you and I are both aquariums.

1:04:14

People think that we're pretty cutthroat, we

1:04:17

don't care about people, it's actually the

1:04:19

opposite. We care so much that sometimes

1:04:21

that it's like you get into a

1:04:24

caring paralysis. Yeah, yeah. That you can't

1:04:26

even express care. I love that. But

1:04:28

you feel it. Yeah, paralysis. Yeah, you

1:04:31

go into a paralysis. It's like an

1:04:33

empathetic paralysis, like, it's just too much.

1:04:35

Yeah, so, I can't remember what I

1:04:38

was saying, but basically, you're not as

1:04:40

gentle. I'm very paralyzed when it comes

1:04:42

to myself. Sure, I love how you

1:04:45

broke that down. Imposter syndrome, I think

1:04:47

it was the same video where you

1:04:49

spoke about routine, has actually helped you

1:04:51

break out of imposter syndrome. I think

1:04:54

sometimes we misunderstand what imposter syndrome is.

1:04:56

It's a word we've learned to throw

1:04:58

around. So my first question is, one,

1:05:01

can you break down what imposter syndrome

1:05:03

looks like? And two, how has routine

1:05:05

helped you... manage it or do away

1:05:08

with it. It's random, no? How routine

1:05:10

could do so? So imposter. I'm a

1:05:12

big advocate for routine. Yeah, yeah, because

1:05:15

that's you dealing with the imposter. Yeah.

1:05:17

So imposter syndrome, which for me I

1:05:19

interchange it with the inner critic or

1:05:22

you can say that the inner critic

1:05:24

actually brings the the feeling of imposter

1:05:26

syndrome. So imposter syndrome in plain terms

1:05:28

is when you feel that you are

1:05:31

an imposter and what you're What your

1:05:33

mind will do is make you risk

1:05:35

adverse so that you don't put yourself

1:05:38

out there and be seen as an

1:05:40

imposter. So to be found out. You

1:05:42

don't belong. You don't know what you

1:05:45

do. Right? So it normally comes out

1:05:47

in people who are very career driven.

1:05:49

Yeah. It really normally comes out in

1:05:52

a professional sense where let's say you

1:05:54

get a new role and you feel

1:05:56

like you interviewed well but you don't

1:05:58

really trust yourself. back yourself, you

1:06:01

don't have the confidence in yourself.

1:06:03

And what your mind will do

1:06:05

is it will keep making you

1:06:07

self-sabotage because you don't want to

1:06:09

be sought out and seen and found out

1:06:12

to be an imposter. So rather you

1:06:14

run it before anything? No, you don't

1:06:16

even run it. You don't push yourself

1:06:18

out there at all, which I guess

1:06:20

in a way it can ruin it.

1:06:22

Yeah, so imposter syndrome makes you... like

1:06:24

it trumps your creativity, it makes you

1:06:26

less innovative and actually makes you difficult

1:06:28

to connect with. Yeah. Because you also

1:06:31

sometimes are not so honest. And that's

1:06:33

why I say I interchanged a lot

1:06:35

with the inner critic because when you

1:06:37

look at the inner critic work, then

1:06:39

you start to realize how many things

1:06:41

actually come into it. You know, there's

1:06:43

also that savatur and sage work. I'll

1:06:45

talk to you about that after. Look

1:06:48

at that. It's really nice. Okay. Cool.

1:06:50

So how does that then, you asked

1:06:52

me another question. I said, yes, how

1:06:54

has routine help you manage it or

1:06:56

do away with it? Okay. So one

1:06:59

thing that my coach had to say

1:07:01

to me, and if you look at

1:07:03

the work, you will see this, is

1:07:05

that you always need to give yourself

1:07:07

evidence. Yeah. So you need to give

1:07:09

yourself evidence. So if you have evidence

1:07:12

of a. a bad event or a

1:07:14

bad experience when you do a certain

1:07:16

thing, then write down that evidence but

1:07:18

then also challenge it and say how

1:07:21

I can, you know. So when you

1:07:23

build a routine, you kind of manage

1:07:25

your anxiety because when you feel really

1:07:27

anxious that the imposter then comes in

1:07:30

and says you're not able to manage

1:07:32

anything, you're not doing anything. But when

1:07:34

you complete tasks, when you have the

1:07:36

routine and you're completing tasks, you're creating

1:07:38

evidence of success. So that impostra cannot

1:07:41

come in. It's like small ones.

1:07:43

It's a reinforcement that you do what

1:07:45

you said you're going to do.

1:07:47

And then when you do miss it

1:07:49

the one time, yeah, it's like

1:07:51

my record proves that I am this

1:07:54

person. This is just one day.

1:07:56

It's a moment. It's not my life.

1:07:58

It's not every day. Yeah. These

1:08:00

are quick ones. Delayed gratification. Do

1:08:02

you practice it now or are

1:08:04

you still a very... I'm learning

1:08:06

to practice it. My wedding is

1:08:08

teaching me to practice it. It's

1:08:10

so delayed here. Okay. What should

1:08:12

every woman know? What should everyone

1:08:14

know? No yourself. No yourself. That's

1:08:16

enough. Yeah. Which woman should we

1:08:18

all know? Which woman should we

1:08:20

all know? Women in your family,

1:08:22

I think. Oh, okay. Stop looking

1:08:24

outside. Yeah, no, no, no, your

1:08:26

family, no where you're from. Guys,

1:08:28

start there, start there. No woman,

1:08:30

you're family. Why do you love

1:08:33

being a woman? Oh, girlhood. And

1:08:35

I love boys, I love my

1:08:37

man. If I was no woman,

1:08:39

I wouldn't have my man. Is

1:08:41

that what you mean? I'm joking.

1:08:43

I love. I love our communal

1:08:45

values and I love our nurturing

1:08:47

spirits. I really love that. I

1:08:49

think men do have that as

1:08:51

well. But there's a certain softness

1:08:53

to the things that we do.

1:08:55

And I even speak about how

1:08:57

it's so important in having that

1:08:59

even in your leadership as a

1:09:01

woman. The fact that we are.

1:09:03

quicker to empathy. Although men can

1:09:05

be empathetic, it's just unfortunately for

1:09:07

them in their world, it's not

1:09:09

a rewarding value to have. But

1:09:11

I love being me, I love

1:09:13

being able to put on makeup,

1:09:15

although you can do it anywhere

1:09:17

else, but that's what I love

1:09:19

about being a woman. And having...

1:09:21

conversations like this. I feel like

1:09:23

women really go into vulnerability quite

1:09:25

a lot and we get into

1:09:27

the deep stuff. Yeah, yeah, we're

1:09:29

cooking. It's nice. It's nice. It's

1:09:31

nice. Making a room for other

1:09:33

people. And I mean, we, we,

1:09:35

March is International Women's Month. So

1:09:37

yeah, we're going to have more

1:09:39

conversations like this. Okay, my, I'm

1:09:41

back to my question. What does

1:09:43

motherhood taught you? It's taught me

1:09:45

that I need to, to,

1:09:48

myself so that I can care

1:09:50

for myself near. So

1:09:52

one that my care

1:09:54

better for Nia.

1:09:56

for this one of

1:09:58

my objectives for

1:10:00

this year is

1:10:02

to stop talk -negative

1:10:04

talk speak about myself is

1:10:06

I speak about

1:10:08

myself is how

1:10:10

Nia could then

1:10:12

eventually speak about

1:10:14

herself. And that And

1:10:16

that could impact

1:10:18

her relationships going

1:10:20

forward, her

1:10:22

employability, her her

1:10:24

success Yeah, so you so Yeah.

1:10:26

Thank you so much. You're

1:10:29

amazing. You're I think went like

1:10:31

over over time time so

1:10:33

much to talk about. I

1:10:35

can see to talk about. I could

1:10:37

see your man. Yeah, she's like, you. you.