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loss. Hey

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2:57

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2:59

new set of adventures for Mikey and

3:01

the gang. I know I am. So

3:03

here are some quick plugs. I'm still

3:05

streaming every Sunday over on Twitch at

3:07

Twitch.tv slash Patreon. What am I

3:09

fucking saying? I'm still streaming every Sunday on

3:11

Twitch over at Twitch.tv slash Wobbegon Pod where

3:13

I write that week's episode soundtrack and then

3:16

we hang out and play a video game.

3:18

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3:22

if that sounds fun to you and not

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frustrating, that's Twitch.tv slash Wobbegon Pod. And

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if you'd like to support the show,

3:28

you can do so on Patreon at

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early access to ad free episodes, instrumental

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movies with Michael postcards and more. Very

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3:43

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and sometimes it stays on the Patreon.

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So if you'd like that bonus material,

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check that out. That's patreon.com/woe underscore Bagon.

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Special thanks to my newest patrons, Sun,

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4:09

did read those last two

4:11

names last time, but it

4:13

would be a shame to

4:15

let that name go to

4:17

waste. Enjoy. Warning,

4:21

this episode contains depictions of violence,

4:23

including gun violence. Listener discretion is

4:25

advised. All

5:25

right, Mayor, you lowly warmen.

5:27

You listen up. My name

5:29

is not Bear. Wait,

5:31

I see it. You're my prisoner, and your

5:34

name is what I say it is. The

5:37

Bear was living in this feed shed.

5:39

Bear's gone. You're living in the feed

5:41

shed. You're the Bear. And

5:44

you're gonna start spilling the beans today.

5:46

We're gonna start spilling your brains on

5:48

that back wall there. Or

5:51

maybe we could do the Wobblegon challenges

5:53

just for old time's sakes. I

5:56

got a brand new sawzall I've been itching to

5:58

try out. My name is Bear. Name

6:00

is nobody. And. I

6:02

have nothing to say to you.

6:05

Tax on how you filthy little

6:07

in great. Can. You believe

6:09

this fella? Him dog a high

6:11

bear sorry about him is something

6:13

about Mars is.him acting up I

6:16

think Mars my ass my name

6:18

is nobody him dog. I brought

6:20

you some blueberries that I picked

6:22

and some alkaline water that I

6:25

sound online. It. Tastes a little

6:27

bit different than regular water but it's

6:29

first be like really good for your

6:31

blood. There's nothing wrong with my blood.

6:34

You're lucky that it still on the

6:36

inside a year. Of course this feral

6:38

in great know what your food. Him

6:41

dog. He ain't even at the salmond

6:43

that I brought him this morning. I

6:45

slaved over a hot stove to make

6:47

him breakfast and this is the thanks

6:50

I get. Salmon isn't breakfast food especially

6:52

when you also had it for dinner.

6:54

Same and his bare. Food or didn't

6:57

get all that dang salmon for nothing.

6:59

So you're gonna be on Sam and

7:01

diet though there ain't no more of

7:03

a in the freezer. Got it? Bear?

7:05

I can't eat anymore breakfast Salmon? I

7:08

won't. He has a point tax. the

7:10

seed said smells awful and even want

7:12

to be in here right now. It's

7:14

bit overwhelming I can. I can see

7:16

the aura from the salmon emanating from

7:19

the shared with my bad I. It's

7:21

a murky brown color. Maybe you wouldn't

7:23

smell so bad if he ate his

7:25

old. Dating portion. Can I just give

7:28

him the alkaline water in the berries?

7:30

please? Maybe Ill like Sam and more

7:32

if he gets a break from it.

7:34

You do what you want part, but

7:36

don't coddle him. we

7:41

want to know you win more

7:43

flies with honey than vinegar tax

7:45

why would i want to win

7:47

at things law here we go

7:50

bare i pick these myself they're

7:52

fresh and sweets and delicious and

7:54

cold they were just in the

7:56

icebox i'm sorry about tax this

7:58

whole situation is got him so

8:00

riled up. We didn't necessarily

8:02

want to take you in, but we

8:04

were out of options, and save what

8:07

you want about the house in Texas,

8:09

but it's safe, so we need to

8:11

take this situation and make the best

8:13

of it. I'm riled up, cause I

8:15

don't like not having a say in

8:17

what goes on inside my house. I

8:19

am not in your house, Tex. As

8:22

you can see, I am shackled

8:24

inside of a feed shed. My

8:26

whole place is my house pill,

8:29

and I can jackal who I want.

8:31

Things will get better, we just haven't found

8:33

a middle ground yet, but there's gotta be

8:36

one somewhere. Save what you want, but

8:38

you are a Mike Walters bear, you're just like

8:40

the two of us. We're fundamentally

8:42

the same, even if we have different

8:44

approaches to life. I mean, everything on

8:46

Earth is connected through the Astral Plane,

8:48

of course, but the bond between Mike

8:50

iterations is something special. We're

8:53

all connected to the same mother soul. So

8:55

if you would just talk to us, I

8:57

know for a fact that we could smooth

8:59

all of this out and be copacetic, and

9:02

then after that we could talk about unshackling

9:04

you and letting you into the house. Ain't

9:06

no room. Okay, it is

9:09

a little bit cramped, but I don't know, uh,

9:11

bluster could move out of my room

9:14

and sleep outside like a horse? Ain't.

9:17

No. Room. With

9:20

all due respect, Emdog, I am

9:22

not connected to the mother soul,

9:24

I'm not Bear, I'm not Mike,

9:26

I am nobody, and I am

9:29

not going to talk to you.

9:31

Well, the alternative to being the bear

9:34

is maybe you could own up to

9:36

being a hot dang Mikey. The bear

9:38

that used to live in here isn't

9:40

gone, by the way. You all know

9:42

that he's still hanging around, right? I

9:44

hear him every night. He's

9:46

starting to learn how to pry the door

9:48

open. The only thing keeping me

9:51

safe is that the door is heavy and

9:53

it sticks, cause that flimsy little lock on

9:55

it isn't going to keep him out, he'll

9:57

bust straight through it. You think

9:59

it smells? in here now, Imdog. Think

10:01

about how it's going to smell

10:03

when you find me in here

10:05

half-eaten." Nonsense, Pilg. That other bear

10:07

ain't gonna bother you. Once he

10:09

figures out you ain't food.

10:12

Bears are just like big old raccoons.

10:14

They're skittish around folks and they wanna

10:17

lay around and eat trash all day.

10:19

I can relate. So there

10:21

ain't no reason to be a scare

10:23

to him if you ain't out here

10:25

provoking him. I'm starting to think that

10:27

this is just your way of killing

10:29

me. Mal nourish me and hope

10:31

that either that kills me or the

10:34

bear prize open this sardine tin and

10:36

goes to town. I don't understand why

10:38

you're keeping me alive. You clearly

10:40

don't want to. Go on

10:42

then, Tex. I see your finger on

10:44

the trigger. Do it. Pard. You

10:47

know that I was ready to erase you

10:49

from existence. Go

10:51

on. Erase me. Leave

10:53

me there. You'd be taking a

10:56

hefty shotgun blast to the face

10:58

if I weren't doing a big favor for

11:00

the other mics. They wanted

11:02

you out of that compound alive and I

11:04

was the only place you can hole up

11:07

since the apartment ain't safe yet. But

11:09

if in your itch and it dies, don't

11:11

dang bad. I got a calculator sitting on

11:14

the living room table. I

11:16

can make a mess out of you

11:18

and then correct it till you decide

11:20

you're ready to talk. Tex, nobody is

11:22

killing anyone and we're not going to

11:24

make empty threats to make everyone's vibrations

11:27

even more unpredictable. I know that he's

11:29

not being sensible, bear, and I want

11:31

to help you, I really do, but

11:34

in order for me to help you, you

11:36

have to start cooperating more. You have to

11:38

talk to us. There's a lot

11:40

that base and tie need to understand.

11:42

They need to know all about the council

11:45

of ands, what they're doing, who their team

11:47

is composed of, whether they sent you on

11:49

that mission to erase everyone or if that

11:51

was your idea, who your team was, how

11:54

you were planning to get all of this

11:56

done, the whole nine yards. And the longer

11:58

you hold out on us, The

12:00

worst Tex is going to get. My

12:02

partner has a short temper. I don't

12:05

want him to fly off the handle any more than you

12:07

do, so help me help you. Tex

12:09

is a bad cop, I agree, but I'm a

12:12

good cop. You can trust me,

12:14

we can figure this out. I am

12:16

not interested in helping base or the

12:18

compound or the ties. Let

12:21

them fall into mayhem and

12:23

then obscurity. Tex

12:25

is going to rip through those

12:27

ties like butter while he's investigating

12:30

this whole super nuke thing. To

12:32

which I say, good riddance. You

12:34

don't rip butter. All

12:36

of you worked together to make

12:39

a big fucking pointless mess of

12:41

this entire timeline. You scrounged your

12:43

way back onto the playing field and this

12:45

is what you chose to do with that

12:47

opportunity? Meanwhile, all I wanted to

12:50

do was make it so that none

12:52

of us ever got involved in any

12:54

of this bullshit. I wanted to limit

12:56

how many people have access to this

12:58

terrible technology, and trust me,

13:00

the amount of people who have their

13:02

hands on this thing is horrifying and

13:05

enormous and more than you know. Nothing

13:08

that is happening right now would be

13:10

happening. We could go on with our

13:12

lives in peace. We could pick up

13:15

where we left off. What

13:17

would a single Mike Walters be doing

13:19

in 2024 if none of this happened?

13:21

Do you ever think about how long

13:23

this has been going on relative to

13:26

our lifespan and it's even longer for

13:28

the old man here? We

13:30

would get four entire years of our

13:32

life back. An important

13:34

four years. I wanted

13:37

to nip it in the bud before it

13:39

got this far. Is that how you'd say

13:41

it Tex? Fuck. Sorry

13:44

folks, my fingers slipped. I

13:47

meant to hit him. Tex, you put

13:49

a hole in his enclosure. What if

13:51

it rains? Hopefully it'll wash the dang

13:53

smell out. Look, I ain't

13:56

fucking around here Pilg. I'm

13:58

too old to be wasting my time on this. on

14:00

some bullshit. This lily-livered hippie

14:02

son of a bitch might be afraid to

14:04

hurt you bear, but I sure as hell

14:06

ate. I'll put you down with

14:08

a dang smile on my face. I ain't

14:11

got nothing but resentment for you and

14:13

everything you're trying to do, ya goddamn

14:16

lowlife. Ty and Bass

14:19

want ya alive, and I sure ain't

14:21

about to cross the council of hands

14:23

if and I don't gotta. With

14:25

that don't mean I gotta make things comfortable

14:27

for you. I'm gonna

14:29

make you squirm. It's

14:32

bear hunting season round these parts.

14:34

And Tex is coming for ya. Oh,

14:37

okay. I think that that's enough. Everyone

14:40

is monologuing now, which means that nobody

14:42

is listening to anyone else. I

14:44

think that this conversation might be more

14:46

than I can mediate. Maybe we can

14:49

regroup later. I don't think that Bear

14:51

is going to talk to us with

14:53

you laying it on so thick, Tex.

14:56

I didn't say nothing I don't mean. I

14:58

gotta get it through his head. You

15:01

are correct, Emdog. I

15:03

will not be answering questions at

15:05

this juncture or ever. And

15:08

I am eagerly awaiting the moment

15:10

that you leave so that I

15:12

can enjoy the peace and quiet

15:14

while I stew in this goddamn

15:16

salmon stink. Bluster! Bluster! Where ya

15:18

at, boy? I need ya

15:20

to come here and kick the side

15:22

of the feed shed every fifteen minutes.

15:25

Delase stop. This is a rare mood

15:27

even for you, Tex. We

15:29

can show some grace here. It's peace

15:31

time. Things are quiet

15:33

now. No one is currently

15:35

trying to drop a super nuke on

15:38

us or set our house on fire.

15:40

We have time to talk it out.

15:42

There's no rush. And Bluster is not

15:44

going to stand here and kick the

15:46

shed every fifteen minutes. He's way too

15:48

busy right now. Social media fame can

15:51

turn into a job so fast, I

15:53

swear. He's probably busy ranking Apple varieties

15:55

for his five dollar and up patrons.

15:57

I advise you not to get your

15:59

hope. TEX, come on man, don't let

16:01

him get you riled up, that's what he

16:03

wants. Let's

16:26

get out of here. We need to do

16:28

the breathing that I've practiced with you, remember the

16:30

breathing? I'm

16:36

actually sorry about him there, it's

16:38

embarrassing, he's really on one today.

16:41

I hope you enjoy the blueberries and the

16:43

water, I will try to find you something

16:46

more nutritionally complete in the meantime and maybe

16:48

something to get the salmon smell out of

16:50

the shed. Bluster has been complaining that the

16:52

feed tastes like fish. Can you go already?

16:55

Right, Tex, let's just go. You

17:06

put him in the shed and shackled him so he can't

17:08

leave. I knew that it was a mistake

17:10

to save them from the supernuke. Hey,

17:26

uh, Bear? Are you awake? I

17:28

know it's late. I'm awake

17:30

now. Leave me

17:32

alone, my name isn't Bear. It

17:35

kind of is, because that's what everyone's calling

17:37

you now. In my opinion it's best to

17:39

just roll with it. Here, I got you

17:41

something. What are

17:43

these? B vitamin pills? I

17:46

found them in the General Store. They

17:48

didn't have normal multivitamins, but I thought

17:51

this was better than nothing. It

17:53

says on the bottle that they're good for your

17:55

nervous system, I guess. When

17:57

we went in Tex said, nope, nothing.

18:00

for that dang ol' varmint bear. So

18:02

I pretended that I wanted them for myself. That's

18:05

why I snuck out in the middle of the

18:07

night. He's dead asleep. Emdog,

18:09

respectfully. My nervous

18:11

system is the least of my

18:14

concerns right now, because someone has

18:16

me shackled up inside of a

18:18

feed shed. But thank you

18:20

for thinking of me, I guess. I'm

18:22

a little worried about you, bear. Are

18:25

you doing okay, man? Look I'm really

18:27

sorry that we have you stuffed in here. It's

18:29

not pleasant and I don't think it's

18:31

fair to you. I've been talking to

18:33

texts about getting you out of here,

18:35

but we don't know what to do

18:37

with you. It's not complicated. You unshackle

18:39

me, and then you let me go.

18:41

Bear, don't confuse my good vibrations with

18:44

me trusting you. I may have

18:46

just met you, but you are a Mike

18:48

Walters. So I know you, and

18:50

I know how you think, because it's how

18:52

I think. And so I know

18:54

what lengths you're willing to go to when your

18:56

chakras are all blocked up like this. I

18:59

don't have chakras, I'm not

19:01

Bear, and I am definitely

19:03

not Mike Walters. I

19:06

am nobody. That ship has sailed bear.

19:09

That isn't any different than Mikey saying that

19:11

his name is Mike. It's time to

19:14

give up on it. Because if you don't

19:16

give up on it, you're going to harsh the vibe

19:18

around here. Bear is sticking

19:20

pretty well. I was talking to Outlaw yesterday and

19:22

I said something about Bear, and he knew that

19:25

I was talking about you. And

19:27

if you want my opinion, it's a

19:29

good nickname. It's much more community forward,

19:31

you know? Because you're not

19:33

nobody. You're part of our community

19:35

now, just like Outlaw and Bluster are. And if

19:38

you're not Mike Walters, then how do I know

19:40

that you fell off your bike the day before

19:42

5th grade graduation and have a big scar on

19:44

your knee? That isn't me anymore.

19:48

I'm not Bear. I'm not

19:50

Mike Walters. I am

19:52

nobody. Raising your voice doesn't make it

19:54

more true. If you could cool off

19:57

even just a little bit, it would

19:59

be so- much groovier out here.

20:01

I think that you could get along with

20:03

us just fine, if you could get over

20:05

these hang-ups. What's so bad about being Mike

20:07

Walters? I admit there are downsides,

20:09

but what are you alleviating by saying that

20:12

you're not one of us? What's

20:14

so bad about living out here in Texas? Why

20:17

do you think that all of this is so bodaceless

20:19

that you have to burn it all down? What

20:22

is bodaceless? It's

20:24

the opposite of bodacious, dummy. Don't

20:27

dodge the question. None of this is

20:29

right, Emdog. This isn't

20:31

how things are supposed to be. There

20:33

is a whole other life that I'm supposed to

20:35

be living. Time travel has

20:37

ruined it all. It has fractured our

20:40

existence. None of this should be happening.

20:43

And I can stop it from happening.

20:45

I was working on that. I'm not

20:47

supposed to be here, and that's why

20:49

I want to burn it all down.

20:51

There are healthier ways to deal with

20:53

this than burning it all down, bear.

20:56

Look I didn't love living here when I showed

20:58

up. Tex and Outlaw are

21:00

ornery, they're loud, they love shooting

21:02

guns and eating meat, and I

21:04

just want to chillax and vibe

21:06

with my kombucha. But

21:09

we made it work because we respect each

21:11

other. Sure it's a little

21:13

cramped inside the house, especially my room

21:15

because I have to share it with

21:17

bluster, but other than that Tex and

21:19

Outlaw make sure that we want for

21:21

nothing. We have food and shelter and

21:23

creature comforts and an iPad. We have

21:25

a bar we can go hang out

21:27

in and play poker and a horse

21:29

that we can ride into town. Considering

21:32

the state of the world, it's a pretty sick setup

21:34

man. And where is your

21:37

Edgar in this sick setup? Man.

21:40

My Edgar? You mean Edman? He's

21:43

at Oparos with the other Emdog.

21:46

No. Where is your

21:48

Edgar? Where are you going with

21:50

this bear? I just told you that is

21:52

his Edgar Emdog. You

21:55

don't have one anymore. You

21:57

have nothing. They even took one of

21:59

your eyes from you. My eye

22:01

is getting better, thank you very much.

22:04

I am not sure it will ever

22:06

fully recover, but I can see colors

22:08

and shapes and auras and stuff. In

22:11

fact, I can probably see auras

22:13

better now than before. Cut the

22:15

shit, Imdog. They took it

22:17

from you. And you didn't

22:19

even disobey them. You tried

22:21

your best to complete a mission for them,

22:23

and you failed and they punished you for

22:26

it. Your best isn't good

22:28

enough. It won't protect you. How much

22:30

do you know about me losing my

22:32

eye, man? They are going to take

22:35

everything from you. Everything.

22:38

Systematically. Peacemeal. OI

22:40

the compound over the base. Take your pick.

22:43

They all want a slice. And

22:45

you don't even seem to be aware that it's

22:48

happening. When are you going to learn? When

22:50

is the frog going to look down and notice

22:52

that the water is boiling? By the time you

22:55

notice it's going to be too late. It's

22:57

already too late right now. You are

22:59

already cooked, Imdog. Bear, Tex warned me

23:01

that you might give a supervillain speech

23:03

if I talk to you, and he

23:05

told me not to believe you no

23:08

matter how confident you sound. I

23:10

don't think it's so certain that we would

23:12

be better off if we never played Wobbegon

23:14

or went to Over. Look at

23:16

Stinky, for instance. He never played

23:18

Wobbegon and he's stuck in the same time

23:20

travel scenario as the rest of us. I

23:23

still haven't been told the story of

23:25

where he was before all of this,

23:27

but it doesn't seem like he was

23:29

living a very funkadelic lifestyle, if you

23:31

know what I mean. I do not

23:33

know what you mean, and I do

23:35

not intend to learn. What I'm saying

23:37

is, Tex won him in a poker

23:39

game. Things were not going

23:41

great for Stinky, even though he had everything

23:43

that you seem to think that you want.

23:46

I think that even in timelines where

23:49

we never played Wobbegon, we're sort of

23:51

stuck this way. The

23:53

cosmos is pulling us all in a

23:55

singular direction, man. Do Tex

23:57

and his ilk traffic a lot?

24:00

of people. Traffic. Bear, what are

24:02

you talking about? It's not like

24:04

that. It's Stinky. He's one of

24:06

us. It's not like some stranger.

24:08

Stinky is a person, and Tex

24:10

took that person into his custody

24:12

and put him into compound storage.

24:15

There is a nuance

24:17

that you're misrepresenting here. Tex could have

24:19

said it better. I can't

24:21

find the words. But Tex,

24:23

we're all trying to do right by each

24:25

other. We're all doing everything that we can

24:27

to keep the group together. Emdog, you

24:30

are very susceptible to

24:32

the will of others, aren't you?

24:34

Well, your aura colors the auras

24:37

of those around you, which is

24:39

why we all need to vibrate

24:41

on the same wavelengths. You are

24:44

in a cowboy cult. They

24:46

protected you from operas, so now Tex

24:49

gets to keep you like his little

24:51

pet. You sleep in the room with

24:53

the other pet. You obey like the

24:55

other pet, and he's even got you

24:57

wearing a cowboy hat. He puts it

25:00

on my head when I'm meditating. Look,

25:02

it's no big deal. It keeps the sun out of my

25:04

face. Tex isn't here. You're not

25:06

meditating, and it is the middle of

25:08

the night. And you're

25:10

out here towing the party line to me,

25:13

trying to explain to me, a living,

25:15

breathing human being just as alive

25:17

as yourself, why I have to be

25:20

shackled inside of a feed shed. Emdog,

25:22

he fired a shotgun right next to

25:24

my face this morning. I don't

25:26

know what to tell you. I really

25:29

am talking to Tex about getting

25:31

you out of here. But you're not

25:33

making a case for yourself right now.

25:35

We can't let you out if you're

25:37

doing literal supervillain scheming about how you're

25:39

going to erase all of us. You

25:41

have to understand that you're bumming everyone

25:44

out, right? Fuck talking to Tex about

25:46

it. You saw him today. He's a

25:48

bad cop. You're a good cop. You

25:50

have the keys to the shackle on

25:52

the keychain that you use to unlock

25:54

the shed, right? So, unshackle me and

25:56

let me go. I want

25:58

to help you there. I seriously do. I

26:01

want to let you go, eventually.

26:04

But you have to mellow out,

26:06

for real. Not pretending to mellow

26:08

out so that you can get

26:10

your way. You need to actually

26:12

seriously mellow out. It is extremely

26:15

easy to prove that you want

26:17

to let me go. Because you

26:19

can just let me go. We're

26:22

a community out here. I

26:24

don't make unilateral decisions. I

26:27

need to talk to text. We can work something

26:29

out. Maybe we can just tie up your hands

26:31

and let you walk around. We

26:33

also need to bear-proof the house. There's

26:35

calculators and guns and stuff just sitting

26:37

out on the table. Let me out

26:40

now. I can't do that. Not with

26:42

you like- Hey! Hey! It's

26:54

too late, Imdol. We passed

26:56

the point of no return.

26:58

You've failed. I'm

27:00

taking everything. Thanks,

27:44

Imdol. Most

28:18

had old you not to play with a shotgun

28:20

mom sleep and. Nobody

28:24

in. The

31:00

sorry to patron that the episode is a

31:02

little bit late. I had to rescue a

31:04

dog. It's a true story and I'm kind

31:06

of a hero so. Maybe. Some

31:08

things are more important than a podcast.

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