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2:05

Hello friends, I am so

2:08

amped about today's guest. She

2:10

is one of my favorite

2:12

comedians, authors, philosophers

2:15

on life, and she happens

2:17

to be here today to

2:19

talk about her seventh book,

2:21

I'll have what she's having.

2:24

Today's guest is Chelsea Hamler.

2:26

Chelsea has always been surprisingly

2:28

vulnerable and incredibly outrageous. And

2:31

in this book, she is

2:33

capturing the antique-filled, exhilarating, and

2:35

joyful life that she's led

2:38

and that she's built. It's

2:40

definitely a life that makes

2:42

me think, yeah, I'll have

2:45

what she's having, from talking

2:47

about family loss, grief, relationships,

2:49

and childhood. She is really

2:51

sharing how she's discovered

2:54

how she's discovered. across this landscape.

2:56

How to spend time with herself,

2:58

how to meditate, how to be

3:00

open to love, and how to

3:02

end a relationship with dignity. She

3:04

is a sister to so many

3:06

of us and to so many

3:08

of the women who rely on

3:10

her. And I can't wait to

3:12

talk about the new book Turning

3:15

50 and her palpable sense of joy.

3:28

I'm just up here icing my

3:31

shoulder. What happened? A mess. I'm

3:33

just a mess. Did you have

3:35

a ski fall? What's going on?

3:37

No, no. I'm too good of

3:40

a skier for something like that.

3:42

I had an infection in my

3:44

shoulder and I had to get

3:46

surgery. And now I have a

3:49

pick line in my arm where

3:51

I get an infusion of

3:53

antibiotics every 24 hours for

3:55

fucking four weeks. No. Yeah,

3:57

girl, yeah, it's serious business.

3:59

over here, serious disease infectious business.

4:01

Well, are they also giving you stem

4:04

cells? Why does your skin look like

4:06

this? What's going on? You look gorgeous.

4:08

I mean, you always look gorgeous, but

4:11

like, you're extra glowy. Probably because I've

4:13

spent about two hours a day in

4:15

a hyperbaric chamber. Okay, so that's what

4:17

I need to start doing. Chamberglow, girl.

4:20

Great. It's almost your birthday. I know.

4:22

I'm gonna be the big one. I

4:24

can't wait. I want to do coast

4:27

to coast. I'm ready. Oh my God,

4:29

let's go. I'm ready. We're going to

4:31

bring your raging dancing cheering section. I

4:33

can't wait. I know. I'm going to

4:36

celebrate this year. I'm just going to

4:38

celebrate all year long. I mean, especially

4:40

with the backup we're living in, you

4:43

know, we've just got to look up

4:45

and look for the bright. The rainbows

4:47

in the sky. You have to. And

4:49

you know, I started to realize it's

4:52

like. I get so much creativity and

4:54

joy and thoughtfulness from our community, from

4:56

friends, from cooking for people, from gathering

4:59

people, and I realized recently I was

5:01

like, oh, I'm going to have to

5:03

start not just being a sort of

5:06

signal booster of the news, like online.

5:08

I think I actually have to start,

5:10

I don't even know how to do

5:12

this. I'm like, I'm not an influencer.

5:15

I think I need to bring like

5:17

just some purely joyful, dumb shit. to

5:19

Instagram, just to help counterbalance the fire

5:22

hose of nightmarishness that we're all on

5:24

the receiving end of. It's pretty astounding

5:26

what we're meant to, you know, deal

5:28

with and the amount of information coming

5:31

at us. But yeah, we got to

5:33

focus on doubling down on love and

5:35

being there for the people that really

5:38

need us the most. And even for

5:40

the people who don't, you know, people

5:42

you know and people you don't know,

5:44

but just... show up in a different

5:47

way, extra, extra kind, extra love. Yeah,

5:49

it's like we can rage against the

5:51

machine and then we need to be

5:54

very Teddy bearish with each other. Yeah,

5:56

absolutely. You know about Teddy bear? Who

5:58

me? Just a little. I want to

6:00

bring some people some joy and laughter

6:03

today and you know, because you've been

6:05

on the pod before, I love to

6:07

talk to people about, you know, do

6:10

you see versions of who you are

6:12

in your childhood self? You've answered that

6:14

question for me already. So what I

6:16

would like is for you to take

6:19

us back to a childhood story, but

6:21

it was one I've had the good

6:23

fortune of seeing you tall a few

6:26

times on stage and it is a

6:28

highlight in the book for me as

6:30

a reader anyway as well. When you

6:32

talk about how you realized that you

6:35

wanted to make money, so lemonade stand

6:37

seemed obvious and then you had a

6:39

really I would say revolutionary, entrepreneurial idea

6:42

for a 10 year old. Can you

6:44

tell the folks at home? What you

6:46

realized? Again, I started a lemonade stand

6:49

when I realized my parents had no

6:51

financial plan for themselves, never mind me.

6:53

And I was already kind of disgruntled

6:55

when I was born and seeing that

6:58

there were so many other children in

7:00

my family. There were five other brothers

7:02

and sisters and I'm like, this is

7:05

expensive. So as early as I could

7:07

I started I was just trying constantly

7:09

thinking of like schemes and ways to

7:11

make money or how I could employ

7:14

myself and and you know under as

7:16

an underage entrepreneur. lemonade stand like many

7:18

people do you know lemonade business obviously

7:21

that's like you know low-hanging fruit and

7:23

then I just was like this isn't

7:25

a lot of money you know like

7:27

I think we made like 13 or

7:30

14 dollars in one day and then

7:32

I was like you know what we

7:34

we should do is just amp this

7:37

up there's a opportunity for a bigger

7:39

profit of margin if we made it

7:41

a hard lemonade stand then I got

7:43

some gin whiskey and tequila obviously for

7:46

my parents house and I listed another

7:48

10 year old who lived on our

7:50

who was renting in the neighborhood in

7:53

the neighborhood that we were in and

7:55

I think his name was Nelson, yeah.

7:57

And I called, I knocked on doors,

7:59

I'd be like, hi, my name is

8:02

Chelsea handler, I'm an entrepreneur, I'm looking

8:04

for another, you know, 10 year old,

8:06

8 to 10 year old to be

8:09

in business with me, I'd like to

8:11

partner with someone. brought Nelson out. I

8:13

started grooming Nelson right away. I brought

8:15

him to our lemonade stand. I'm like,

8:18

do you know how to make like

8:20

a whiskey soda? Like you need to

8:22

figure this out because we're going to

8:25

have lots of customers. And we made

8:27

a killing. We made so much money

8:29

because the parents started drinking. I said,

8:31

you know, You can't serve anyone alcohol

8:34

that's under 10. You know, obviously I

8:36

have some standards, but we made a

8:38

killing and I remember after the first

8:41

week, like word had spread like wildfire,

8:43

like everyone was coming to our lemonade

8:45

stand on Martha's Vineyard. And obviously now

8:48

I know it's because we were the

8:50

only hard lemonade stand. And they, and

8:52

we made like $359, I think was

8:54

the number that we made in our

8:57

first week, $329. And then I gave

8:59

Nelson his commission, which was $3 dollars

9:01

in. 59 cents and he was floored.

9:04

He was like, thank you. He's like,

9:06

wow, I feel like I've hit the

9:08

last day. I'm like, you have Nelson,

9:10

stick with me. And I'll show you

9:13

the way. Incredible. Incredible. I would imagine

9:15

that half the people who rolled up

9:17

were really excited to get sassed by

9:20

a 10 year old at the same

9:22

time they were getting a cocktail. Yeah,

9:24

I mean, I had a lot of,

9:26

you know, piss and vinegar that I

9:29

was spewing from a very young age.

9:31

Even as a very young child, even

9:33

when I was two and three years

9:36

old, I felt like a woman, like

9:38

I felt like a woman, like I

9:40

wanted to be, I wanted a briefcase,

9:42

I wanted to see. I wanted heels

9:45

and I wanted a business like I

9:47

just wanted to own a business and

9:49

I remember being so frustrated being a

9:52

child I just wanted to grow up

9:54

like I just I hated the idea

9:56

of being so dependent and on my

9:58

parents and being so tethered to them

10:01

and and I just I just couldn't

10:03

not wait. I knew that I knew

10:05

better. You know what I mean? Like

10:08

if I was, if I was, were

10:10

the one in charge of finances, we

10:12

would be fine. So like I just

10:14

wanted to start that as quickly as

10:17

possible. I love it. I feel like

10:19

our little kid selves would have been

10:21

friends. I did the same thing. Like

10:24

by the time I was eight, I

10:26

looked at my parents and I was

10:28

like, I love you both. You're fucking

10:30

lunatics. I'm, I gotta make. some little

10:33

girls that come into the world like

10:35

grown-ups, and I'm glad that so many

10:37

of us have found each other. Yeah,

10:40

that's for sure. I agree with that,

10:42

and I think that there are so

10:44

many like-minded, so many more like-minded people,

10:47

you know. That's what LA and New

10:49

York and places like where we live

10:51

are, you know, a melting pot of

10:53

so many different types of people. But

10:56

yeah, I take a lot of pride

10:58

and it makes me very happy, I

11:00

guess less prideful, more happy to be

11:03

connecting with like, like for instance, so

11:05

many other women who don't want to

11:07

be mothers or don't want to be

11:09

who really don't even see that as

11:12

like part of their future. It's like

11:14

so. refreshing to hear so many people

11:16

talking about that. You know, I love

11:19

that. It's like when you speak up

11:21

about something and all of a sudden

11:23

you start to hear other people that

11:25

feel the same way about something, you

11:28

know, to realize the non-aloneness of your

11:30

opinion. Yes, well, and especially because I

11:32

think for women there's been this sort

11:35

of prescriptive, this is what your joy

11:37

will look like, list. And I mean,

11:39

I know for me even, it's almost

11:41

two years ago now, like, like, like,

11:44

like, Finally, being like, I don't, I

11:46

got, I think I have to say

11:48

this out loud, like I, I did

11:51

the list and I'm so unhappy. And

11:53

then the number of women I knew

11:55

from every walk of life that were

11:57

like, oh, me too, me too, me

12:00

too. Did you hear so and so's

12:02

going through this? You should call her.

12:04

Let me put you on a text

12:07

of my friend who's also, and boom!

12:09

You have such a huge community, and

12:11

sometimes I think the barrier to entry

12:13

is just that you haven't said what

12:16

you need, or what you're afraid of,

12:18

or what you're experiencing out loud. And

12:20

the minute you do, it's like all

12:23

the barriers evaporate. Yeah, yeah, it's absolutely

12:25

there's always another person or another group

12:27

of people that are going through whatever

12:29

you're going through That's something that women

12:32

can't hear enough because people feel so

12:34

alone You know when they feel like

12:36

oh, they're not worthy or they're not

12:39

doing this right or It's like we

12:41

all feel that way even the most

12:43

confident people in the world feel that

12:46

way. So it's nice to mind each

12:48

other that there is a you know

12:50

There's always a community for anything stuck

12:52

on toes. There's a community for that

12:55

too. Listen, we don't kink shame here.

12:57

No, no kink shaming. Speaking of, it's

12:59

the most perfect segue for the title

13:02

of your book because as soon as

13:04

I saw you were going to call

13:06

it I'll have what she's having. I

13:08

thought, yes she is. And it's going

13:11

to come out on your 50th birthday

13:13

and it really feels like a love

13:15

letter. to yourself and to so many

13:18

women? I mean, I feel it as

13:20

a member of your community. I'm sure

13:22

so many readers who don't know you

13:24

personally, but have followed you for so

13:27

long, we'll feel that. Is it also

13:29

a little bit of like a birthday

13:31

present to yourself? This one? Well, it's

13:34

becoming that way. You know, I didn't

13:36

on it publishing it on my birthday,

13:38

but when we were going over dates

13:40

and my birthday was one of those

13:43

dates, I thought, okay, I could have

13:45

like two minds about this. I could

13:47

be like, no, I'm not going to

13:50

let I'm not going to work on

13:52

my birthday or I'm not going to

13:54

let my birthday be overshadowed by because

13:56

it's such a big birthday, like be

13:59

overshadowed by work. I'm always kind of

14:01

mixed. It's not like I'm a

14:03

private person or I'm, you know,

14:05

precious about my personal life. I've

14:08

never been that way. I'm always

14:10

kind of feeding it up. So

14:12

it is kind of turned into

14:14

a birthday present for myself because

14:17

it's my seventh book I am

14:19

really in the mode of really injecting

14:21

optimism into other women

14:24

and confident. people are always

14:26

asking me about my confidence and it's

14:28

like I don't know where my confidence

14:30

comes from all I know is that

14:32

it can be infectious and like when

14:34

I'm confident people I feel even more

14:36

confident and when I'm around people who

14:38

are not confident I want to inject

14:40

them with like this I want the

14:42

substance for confidence for girls you know

14:44

like I want everyone to know, like,

14:47

you can, it's kind of a

14:49

practice. And to actually really, it's

14:51

just so much more optimistic to

14:53

be confident and not to be

14:55

arrogant. That's a separate thing, but

14:58

confidence is really just knowing who

15:00

you are and not being apologetic

15:02

for it and knowing that you're

15:04

a good person. I think so

15:06

many times in our lives, we

15:08

question whether or not we're good

15:11

people just because we're having. negative

15:13

thoughts about a situation or about

15:15

another person or was competitive or

15:17

you know, and I feel like

15:19

that kind of, I know for

15:22

me I'm always like, oh God,

15:24

am I a bad person for

15:26

thinking that? It's like, no, you're

15:28

not a bad, you're only a

15:30

bad person if you act on

15:33

those feelings, of course, right? jealousy

15:35

of envy of disdain and love

15:38

and all of everything that comes

15:40

in between but it's good to

15:42

embrace those feelings understand them acknowledge

15:45

them and then like you know

15:47

move forward because and and I

15:49

think the thing that's lacking so

15:52

you know the most in our

15:54

world is confidence yeah and I

15:56

think because we've just been

15:58

targeted to like almost to

16:01

have that taken from us.

16:03

Yeah. Well, in this weird

16:05

way, we've conflated confidence and

16:07

conceit. And it's like, yeah,

16:09

don't be a conceited asshole,

16:11

but you deserve to be

16:13

confident. You deserve to be

16:15

proud of yourself. Do you

16:18

need to walk through the

16:20

world with pridefulness being used

16:22

as a club to hit

16:24

other people with? No. But

16:26

you deserve to be proud

16:28

of yourself. And I think.

16:30

I think this idea of

16:32

how, oh, we have to

16:35

renounce anything that, that, you

16:37

know, could possibly be seen

16:39

as egotistical, it really just

16:41

feels like a really insidious

16:43

way to strip women of

16:45

their confidence, of their willingness

16:47

to celebrate themselves, to keep

16:49

them, you know, small or

16:52

afraid. And it's like, we

16:54

don't need to be wasting

16:56

any more time doing any

16:58

of that. Yeah, no, I

17:00

agree. Like that's out the

17:02

window, okay, we need to

17:04

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17:06

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more at wg-u.ed you. Frank

20:28

and you said you're not precious

20:31

about your personal life, but you

20:33

know, it's a weird thing to

20:35

be a person in the public

20:37

eye and to have When you

20:39

try to keep things private for

20:42

yourself, they kind of can often

20:44

get eaten up When you share

20:46

things people are like no one

20:48

was asking It's like no matter

20:50

what you do somebody's gonna tell

20:53

you do it wrong which might

20:55

just be again being women But

20:57

you seem to have found this

20:59

really cool flow in your life

21:01

where You're really willing to tell

21:04

it like it is. You're willing

21:06

to kind of pull the lid

21:08

off the lessons. You know, admit

21:10

the hard stuff, talk about what's

21:12

great, and you really are doing

21:15

it, as you said a few

21:17

minutes ago, with this incredible, I

21:19

don't even want to call it

21:21

energy. It's like the whole thing

21:23

is really fueled on this positivity

21:25

that you found, and I'm inspired

21:28

by that. point blank period and

21:30

then there's the other layer of

21:32

you're also doing this entering 50

21:34

when so many women are essentially

21:36

you know whisper warned that they're

21:39

going to become irrelevant and it's

21:41

like you're hotter fun or more

21:43

relevant than ever I do you

21:45

love the way this whole phase

21:47

fee you said you're not precious

21:50

about your personal life but you

21:52

know it's a weird thing to

21:54

be a person in the public

21:56

eye and to have When you

21:58

try to keep things private for

22:01

yourself, they can often get eaten

22:03

up. When you share things, people

22:05

are like, no one was asking.

22:07

It's like, no matter what you

22:09

do, somebody's gonna tell you to

22:12

do it wrong, which might just

22:14

be, again, being women. But you

22:16

seem to have found this really

22:18

cool flow in your life where

22:20

you're really willing to tell it

22:22

like it is, you're willing to

22:25

kind of pull the lid off

22:27

the lessons, you know, admit the

22:29

hard stuff. talk about what's great

22:31

and you really are doing it.

22:33

As you said a few minutes

22:36

ago, with this incredible, I don't

22:38

even want to call it energy.

22:40

It's like the whole thing is

22:42

really. Like, well, it's not an

22:44

attitude. It's a reality. I'm like,

22:47

it doesn't have to be your

22:49

reality. That's just, that can be

22:51

your reality. Or you can just

22:53

decide you're not going to, you

22:55

know, that's not going to be

22:58

the way that you're going to

23:00

operate. And I'm inspired by that

23:02

point blank period. And then there's

23:04

the other layer of, you're also

23:06

doing this entering 50 when so

23:09

many women are essentially, you know,

23:11

whisper warned that they're going to

23:13

become irrelevant. And it's like, you're

23:15

hotter, fun or more relevant than

23:17

ever. I, do you love the

23:19

way this whole phase feels because...

23:22

you're bucking every tradition in the book?

23:24

Or does it also just feel sort

23:27

of silly that people ask you questions

23:29

like this in the first place? Because

23:31

what the fuck are these traditions? And

23:33

where did they come from? I mean,

23:36

I will say that I feel very,

23:38

and I talk about this in the

23:40

book, I feel very happy that I

23:42

had enough belief in myself that I

23:44

did not listen to other people steering

23:47

me in the wrong direction. Any times

23:49

in my life where I got advice

23:51

or was told not to do something,

23:53

don't do that, don't do this, don't

23:56

do that, and I'm not very good

23:58

at, you know, taking direction. and listening

24:00

to other people, especially when they're men,

24:02

obviously telling me what to do. It's

24:04

like, you're not in a position to

24:07

tell me what to do. And it's

24:09

kind of been my vibe the whole

24:11

way, you know, throughout my life, when

24:13

I started my career, it wasn't like,

24:16

oh, it wasn't the conversations we're having

24:18

now and understanding, you know, the impact

24:20

of white male supremacy that it has

24:22

on, you know, all of us and

24:24

the kind of trickle down effect and

24:27

how they're away. I was kind of

24:29

blinded. I had blinders on. I was

24:31

just like, I'm going after what I

24:33

want. It doesn't matter if I'm a

24:36

man, woman, child, whatever. I'm doing this.

24:38

And I was just so like, intent

24:40

and focused on what I was doing

24:42

and having a good time and having

24:44

like this party of a TV show

24:47

and I wanted to have all my

24:49

friends on. And that's what I did.

24:51

And I didn't really notice, you know,

24:53

a lot of the things that we're

24:55

talking about now that are so front

24:58

and center in center. So they started

25:00

happening until the conversation started flowing. Like,

25:02

I remember my friends would be like,

25:04

you know, once you hit 40, you're

25:07

never going to work again. And this

25:09

was like 20 years ago. I'm like,

25:11

that's a terrible attitude. And they're like,

25:13

well, it's not an attitude. It's a

25:15

reality. I'm like, it doesn't have to

25:18

be your reality. That's just, that can

25:20

be your reality. Or you can just

25:22

decide you're not going to be the

25:24

way that you're going to operate. always

25:27

kind of had that kind of attitude

25:29

but that is pretty naive because just

25:31

because something doesn't happen to you or

25:33

impact you directly you have to be

25:35

conscientious and conscious of the fact that

25:38

it is happening to millions of women

25:40

in the world all the time every

25:42

single day in all mediums of business

25:44

and and entertainment and whatever you do

25:47

in the world it's male dominated everything

25:49

is okay. Except for women soccer you

25:51

know so I think like I think

25:53

that I'm very I'm grateful that I

25:55

didn't allow myself to be pushed around

25:58

and that I didn't allow myself. like

26:00

even when I bought my house in my

26:02

orca I remember and I put this

26:04

in the book because like my business

26:07

manager was a guy my manager was

26:09

a guy there were like three other

26:11

men in my life were like that's

26:13

a terrible business decision that's way too

26:15

much money don't do that the Spanish

26:17

economy is terrible and I remember hearing

26:20

their advice one after another after the

26:22

sixth one I'm like I've never been

26:24

more convinced to do something than I

26:26

am to buy the class in Spain

26:28

like not what not whatever they've

26:31

put on the list that's

26:33

supposed to make you happy

26:35

when you check all the

26:37

boxes. You like listen to yourself

26:40

and you talk about it

26:42

in the book in a way that

26:44

really hit home for me because

26:46

I had to ask myself a

26:49

series of the same questions

26:51

when when you talk about

26:53

your the relationship that

26:55

you had with Joe Croy and

26:57

how you did it differently in

26:59

terms even of how the public

27:01

was let in and again there's

27:04

that like do you let people in so

27:06

they know what it is or do you

27:08

keep them out and then they just gossip

27:10

about what it is I don't fucking know

27:13

but it was a it was a

27:15

difference for you and I I've been

27:17

so touched by how beautifully and

27:19

gently you've talked about how

27:21

it was wonderful and successful,

27:23

even though it wasn't the

27:25

forever thing everyone thinks it's

27:28

supposed to be. And you talked

27:30

about how you had to listen to

27:32

yourself and know, oh, what this person

27:34

wants is not compatible

27:37

with what I want. And so I have

27:39

to choose me. Because the other

27:41

option is you shrink yourself

27:43

or you compartmentalize yourself or

27:45

you abandon yourself, right? Like

27:48

that's the energy that I've

27:50

gotten from. the kindness

27:52

with which you speak about

27:54

that, and the frankness that

27:56

you manage to speak with at

27:58

the same time. Yes, I think

28:01

that, you know, if you're not

28:03

like growing and changing, right, what

28:05

are we doing? We're just becoming

28:07

this. We're the same. Like, I

28:09

don't want to go through the

28:11

same relationship I was in 10

28:13

years ago. I want everything to

28:15

be like one and done. Like,

28:17

I don't need to learn a

28:19

lesson twice. I would prefer to

28:21

learn once and be done. Make

28:23

the first. the last time. And

28:25

I don't think about relationships like

28:28

that, but I am so much

28:30

more mature than I was when

28:32

I was in my 20s or

28:34

when I was in my 30s.

28:36

And I'm not, I don't care.

28:38

Like to me, a romantic partner,

28:40

a lover, all of those things

28:42

are wonderful things to have in

28:44

your life. They're wonderful. They should

28:46

be additions, not subtractions to your

28:48

life. And I can't imagine myself

28:50

at this stage in my life

28:53

ever being upset at an ending.

28:55

Like just to, I've been through

28:57

too many things to not know

28:59

that it's okay for things to

29:01

end. It doesn't mean that anything

29:03

failed. It means that you're healthy

29:05

enough to have your own back.

29:07

And. That is kind of the

29:09

way that I go about things

29:11

now. Like that was a, you

29:13

know, I didn't want to break

29:15

up with Joe Coy. I was

29:17

in love with him when I

29:20

broke up with him. We were

29:22

in love, but it was very

29:24

clear to me he had a

29:26

very different idea of what that

29:28

meant than what I, than what

29:30

I meant. And I'm, everyone knows

29:32

how I feel about everything. So

29:34

there's clauses and there shouldn't have

29:36

been to him either because I

29:38

am an open book. Yes. I'm

29:40

not going when I make decisions

29:42

a lot of the times I

29:45

think about if this is something

29:47

that I would put up with

29:49

for my nieces or my you

29:51

know or the women in my

29:53

life like is this something yes

29:55

as a standard to whether or

29:57

not I should be dealing with

29:59

it and at that point in

30:01

our relationship it just became clear

30:03

we were not on the same

30:05

page he expected a lot more

30:07

for me than I was willing

30:09

to give in any relationship and

30:12

I choose chose myself knowing, okay,

30:14

bring this, bring it on, bring

30:16

on the fucking pain, because this

30:18

is gonna be so painful. You're

30:20

leaving when you love, and, but

30:22

also knowing, I'm gonna be okay.

30:24

Like, you know, we go through

30:26

so many breakups in our lives,

30:28

wondering if we are or separations

30:30

or breakups, even with friends, wondering

30:32

if we're gonna, the answer is

30:34

yes. Yes. Okay. And to know

30:37

that. before you make the decision

30:39

and while you're making the decision

30:41

is such a strength that why

30:43

do we keep ending up where

30:45

we started like I there's so

30:47

many times where a break up

30:49

like no no you're holding on

30:51

so tightly like I don't want

30:53

don't want this to end it's

30:55

like I didn't want that to

30:57

end but I knew it had

30:59

to so I I had to

31:01

end it and right And but

31:04

with also with a ton of

31:06

gratitude about the experience in it

31:08

of itself, a ton of gratitude

31:10

about him opening my heart to

31:12

even be in a position to

31:14

be spread love and Instagram and

31:16

talking about how much we love

31:18

each other like I love doing

31:20

that. I thought that was fun.

31:22

I'm like, I can't believe I

31:24

haven't been doing this my whole

31:26

life. No, and people, you know,

31:29

people would run up to us

31:31

on the streets of New York

31:33

or in LA. Oh my God,

31:35

if you found love, anyone can

31:37

find love. I'm like, yeah, let's

31:39

go. Everyone should. Totally. And so

31:41

it was very warm, like, like

31:43

warm hearted, the response from the

31:45

public. And I had never experienced

31:47

that kind of like support. And

31:49

I was like, this is fun.

31:51

So it brought out all these

31:53

wonderful things that I didn't even

31:56

know about. And I instead of

31:58

being upset or mad at him

32:00

for not understanding me and not

32:02

getting it. I just kept reminding

32:04

myself of all of the good

32:06

things that came from that relationship,

32:08

you know, in a, in a,

32:10

in a big way, he really

32:12

reminded me of who I am

32:14

and who I've always been and

32:16

I had kind of lost track

32:18

of that. I kind of gone

32:20

off, you know, my, my, my,

32:23

my M-O in life, which is

32:25

just to like, just to be

32:27

a high. and to be a

32:29

lover and to like really just

32:31

have this big loud brave life.

32:33

That's all I wanted when I

32:35

think back to me as a

32:37

child. I was just like, I

32:39

just can't wait to get going.

32:41

Like to get it going. And

32:43

now here I am and I'm

32:45

50 and it's going and I've

32:48

got it going and I have

32:50

five years or 30 years now

32:52

in this industry. I would say

32:54

25 very successful years in this

32:56

industry. where the scientific like the

32:58

data shows me, okay, you're capable,

33:00

you're smart, you know how to

33:02

get the life you want, now

33:04

you have it, and now what

33:06

are you gonna do with the

33:08

next 20, 30 years? Yes. I

33:10

don't want to say 50 years,

33:12

because of course I don't want

33:15

to live to 100, but I

33:17

just read the saying that if

33:19

you can get, if you live

33:21

through the next 10 to 15

33:23

years, you, there will be enough

33:25

like scientific innovation to get you

33:27

to like 120 to like 120

33:29

120. Who the fuck wants to

33:31

live to a hundred? I don't

33:33

want that. No, I can't afford

33:35

that. Nobody can. Nobody can. I

33:37

just want to live to like

33:40

a nice old age that feels

33:42

happy for me, but be healthy.

33:44

Like I don't need to live

33:46

to 120, but if you told

33:48

me I could get to 86

33:50

healthy and never have to deal

33:52

with cancer, I'd be like, whatever

33:54

that is, sign me up for

33:56

that. Yeah, that's right. No cancer

33:58

would be a nice bonus. And

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Shop now. I love the whole

36:13

perspective that you just shared because

36:15

I remember years ago I got

36:18

to write this article talking about

36:20

talking about you know, the pressure

36:22

women are under defined love. And

36:24

to me, it's always bothered me

36:26

that people treat a break up

36:28

like it's some kind of a

36:30

failure. Like you said, like an

36:32

ending is a bad thing. Because

36:34

even if you are one of

36:36

the people who wants the, you

36:38

know, you want the paper list,

36:40

you want the, who's my person,

36:43

who's my happily ever after, okay,

36:45

well, every relationship theoretically before that

36:47

person has ended. So... You're going

36:49

to tell me most of your

36:51

life if it's been endings until,

36:53

you know, this this positive thing

36:55

you've asked for is a failure?

36:57

Like no, lessons. It's like books

36:59

that you've read, lessons that you've

37:01

learned, you know, I think every,

37:03

like you were saying earlier, every

37:05

time you share a piece of

37:07

your life with a person, a

37:10

romantic relationship, a friend, if you

37:12

evolve out of that, that just

37:14

means you're growing. And there's no

37:16

way you're going to grow on

37:18

the same path with everybody. What

37:20

a gift to be in any

37:22

kind of relationship for any length

37:24

of time that has encouraged your

37:26

growth. Absolutely. And also growing is

37:28

is saying goodbye sometimes is letting

37:30

go like if not everybody is

37:32

meant to be in your life

37:35

forever like we have to sing

37:37

on to each other like some

37:39

people are just supporting characters some

37:41

people some people you're a part

37:43

of their story you know it's

37:45

not you it's about them maybe

37:47

And not to be so like

37:49

just to accept the reality of

37:51

the situation. accept something if it's

37:53

not, if it's not working, it's

37:55

okay, then it's time to move

37:57

on. There's how many, what, 300

37:59

million people in this country alone?

38:02

I mean, there are other people

38:04

out there to serve your needs

38:06

and your purposes, and I'm not

38:08

just talking about romantic, I'm talking

38:10

about family, and it's okay to

38:12

take breaks, and it's okay to

38:14

like, to look at people as

38:16

like a temporary thing, like not

38:18

every. There's not we I don't

38:20

know why we attached such permanence

38:22

to things because nothing is permanent.

38:24

So I don't know that idea

38:27

in the first place. And I

38:29

think sometimes the pressure of the

38:31

permanence that we ascribe to something

38:33

can actually trap us there. Like

38:35

I know that that is true

38:37

for me in the last couple

38:39

years of my life. I you

38:41

know I've said this I did

38:43

everything I was supposed to do

38:45

and I did everything right and

38:47

I checked every box on the

38:49

list. And then the train had

38:51

kind of left the station. And

38:54

looking back, because look hindsight's 2020,

38:56

right? Like in the moment, you're

38:58

just dealing with your life and

39:00

trying to hear that inner voice.

39:02

But when I look back, I

39:04

can see these moments where if

39:06

I'm really honest and it breaks

39:08

my heart a little bit, I

39:10

abandoned myself. I knew what I

39:12

needed. I knew I deserved better.

39:14

I knew the answer had to

39:16

be different. plans were made and

39:18

promises were made and I thought

39:21

they had to be kept and

39:23

I thought if I can just

39:25

work harder if I can just

39:27

maybe Maybe shrink myself a little

39:29

bit if I could be more

39:31

amenable to and all I was

39:33

doing was continuing to cut myself

39:35

down and by the time I

39:37

realized I couldn't move without feeling

39:39

like I was cracking eggshells They

39:41

weren't just on the floor. They

39:43

were all around me in my

39:46

life. I was like how the

39:48

fuck did this happen Like,

39:50

how did I get

39:52

here? And sometimes I

39:54

think the pressure that

39:56

it all puts on

39:58

us. It gets so

40:00

loud that we can't hear that voice,

40:03

we can't hear, you know, you can't

40:05

hear your inner self say you love

40:07

this person, but you got to go.

40:10

And I think it is so fucking

40:12

crucial that we talk about it and

40:14

that we start giving not only ourselves

40:16

permission, but like you said earlier, by

40:19

talking about it, other people feel permission

40:21

to talk about it too. Absolutely, and

40:23

honesty, you know what I mean? To

40:26

be really honest with each other as

40:28

women is also integral to like, to,

40:30

to like being a dutiful women to

40:32

other women, like, you know, some of

40:35

us play things off, like, oh, it's

40:37

okay, or they don't, you don't want

40:39

to share, you don't want to burden

40:41

other people. And so then you're kind

40:44

of, you're kind of be getting this

40:46

like, like, like, lie, because being truthful

40:48

about your own situation. So how is

40:51

that supposed to shed any light on

40:53

another woman's situation or another friend's not

40:55

even really telling the truth? Because you're

40:57

too ashamed to actually sit down with

41:00

your thoughts and go, am I happy?

41:02

It's like, how do I feel? Who,

41:04

like, you have to get to a

41:07

place where disappointing other people is not

41:09

your problem. And for some women have

41:11

the biggest issue with that. We are

41:13

so allergic to the idea of anyone

41:16

being inconvenienced on our behalf. It wouldn't

41:18

have been calling off your wedding, even

41:20

though I'm sure before your wedding you

41:22

had those feelings, some of those feelings,

41:25

you going through with it was because

41:27

you didn't want to inconvenience all the

41:29

people that were going to be there,

41:32

right? And that's what we do as

41:34

women. We are trained to make sure

41:36

that our feelings come last. And I

41:38

need a retraining program because our feelings

41:41

should come first. Absolutely. Because it's the

41:43

same as the ad, you know, when

41:45

the oxygen mask comes down, you have

41:47

to put yours on first if you're

41:50

going to help the person next to

41:52

you get theirs on. Absolutely. And by

41:54

putting myself, you know, I talk about...

41:57

therapy in the book and I talked

41:59

about it a lot in my last

42:01

book and we've spoken about it at

42:03

length like therapy teaches you it's so

42:06

I the irony of therapy is so

42:08

funny because I went to therapy with

42:10

the intention of like getting out of

42:13

my own ass I'm like I need

42:15

to get out of my ass like

42:17

I'm so far up my own ass I

42:19

need a break and the very act

42:22

of going to therapy is actually talking

42:24

about yourself at Infinitum for months years

42:26

on end so. The act of getting

42:28

out of your own ass requires you

42:31

to really crawl up inside your own

42:33

ass. Yes. That's 22, because you're like,

42:35

wait a second, I was trying to

42:37

get away for myself, but here I

42:40

am again. But once you do put

42:42

in that work and once you do

42:44

actually go to therapy, which is hard

42:46

and brave and tough, eeling a

42:48

lot of the time, because nobody wants

42:50

to go in and unearth all of

42:53

this stuff, but when you do. what

42:55

you come out with is just a

42:57

much less apologetic person. Like, no, all

42:59

of this is not my problem. I'm

43:01

my biggest problem. And if I can

43:03

get myself on straight, then I'll be

43:05

able to do so many great things

43:08

for so many people in my life.

43:10

But if I'm structured and if I'm

43:12

not being truthful, then I'm like

43:14

a limp biscuit. How can I

43:16

help? Yes. Absolutely. And I think one

43:18

of the things that I've learned in

43:20

that space that's so important. It's

43:22

so important. You can't heal it,

43:24

you can't get past yourself if

43:26

you don't really go in and,

43:28

you know, pull all the threads and see

43:31

what you're made of. And for me, the

43:33

aha moment when I was like, how the

43:35

fuck did I get here? I was like,

43:37

I had one rule for myself. It was,

43:39

I am never going to have a life

43:41

like X. Fill in the blank. I'm

43:43

also learning, like you said in

43:46

your book. I'm like, there's things I'll

43:48

keep to keep to myself, because I'll

43:50

keep to myself, because I don't need

43:53

to myself. for 20 plus years, I

43:55

will just never have a life like X.

43:57

And then I woke up and was like, how

43:59

did I... get here. And I went, oh,

44:01

I said I'm never going to be

44:04

wounded, like fill in the blank, and

44:06

what I didn't do was actually go

44:08

and clean out and suture those wounds,

44:10

so all I've been fucking doing is

44:12

finding the closet fit my wounds. I

44:14

said, I'm not going to do that.

44:17

And I wasn't even paying attention to

44:19

how easily they just slid into those

44:21

already open spaces. And I made a

44:23

rule, but I didn't do the deeper

44:25

layer of self-work and introspection. I didn't

44:27

go to the center of the thing

44:29

that hurt me. So I got hurt

44:32

in the same fucking way. Whoa. And

44:34

that for me was just so revelatory.

44:36

And it was almost like... in that

44:38

moment when it when the whole illusion

44:40

of it came crashing down and like

44:42

you know the the hologram if you

44:45

will was gone and I was just

44:47

like standing in the dirt and then

44:49

I realized how many people around me

44:51

were also in the dirt like holy

44:53

shit not only did I have people

44:55

to talk to but it was like

44:58

finally the moment where the universe was

45:00

like are you done trying to do

45:02

that would you like to see what

45:04

might actually be good for you and

45:06

I was like oh fuck The only

45:08

way, the only way to the other

45:11

side of it is to go back

45:13

to the beginning and walk through it.

45:15

Yeah, yeah, right. And also like that's

45:17

what you're talking about, you know, it's

45:19

like a circular, you're having a circular

45:21

conversation, you're repeating patterns, you're doing things

45:23

over and over how you got here

45:26

when you know so much more and

45:28

you know better. So yeah, I don't

45:30

know, I think I heard Maria Shriver

45:32

say at first, the first, make the

45:34

first time the last time, the last

45:36

time. I love that I love that.

45:39

like disciplining children like when they make

45:41

a mistake or do something really you

45:43

know unacceptable she's like you make sure

45:45

that they know that that that's not

45:47

allowed to happen again you make the

45:49

first time the last time but I

45:52

think it's a good to everything in

45:54

life you know I want I want

45:56

to make sure I don't want to

45:58

go to summer school I want to

46:00

go to my orca so I I

46:02

was talking about how I have this

46:05

tendency to make piles and I've learned.

46:07

I don't need that for a life

46:09

or yes, be open-minded, people can reappear,

46:11

blah blah blah, but I don't want

46:13

to learn lessons twice. No, absolutely not.

46:15

And you know what? It even goes

46:18

down. I started doing this thing that

46:20

a friend's mom told me like, I

46:22

don't know, maybe two years ago. I

46:24

was talking about how I have this

46:26

tendency to make piles and I've done

46:28

that for you. And I was like,

46:30

I'm 40. What are you going to

46:33

undo for me? And she goes, every

46:35

time you pick something up, you just

46:37

have to say, I don't want to

46:39

waste my time. I don't want to

46:41

touch this twice. And I was like,

46:43

say it again. And now it's like,

46:46

if I pick up the thing, I'm

46:48

like, well, what I'm not going to

46:50

do is put it down somewhere and

46:52

then have to fucking pick it up

46:54

again. That's a waste of my very

46:56

valuable time. Yeah, yeah, yeah, right. You

46:59

know, from your emotions to your things,

47:01

it's like it's so, it's so good

47:03

and I think it changes the way

47:05

you move. And you talk about something

47:07

else in the book that I love,

47:09

which my brain relates to changing the

47:12

way you move because you said that

47:14

eventually you ran out of the fuel

47:16

of anger and the drive it gave

47:18

you, like the kind of, I don't

47:20

know if you want to call it,

47:22

you know. the shocking aspect of comedy

47:24

or the teasing bit of it or

47:27

the or the judgmental commentary, however you

47:29

want to define it, but that really

47:31

struck me that you were like, oh,

47:33

I can't, I can't run my motor

47:35

on that type of fuel forever. It

47:37

feels so healthy. But I also understand

47:40

that some artists get really scared when

47:42

they feel like they've run out of

47:44

something. Like I know actors who've gotten

47:46

terrified when they get sober because they're

47:48

like, I'm not going to be a

47:50

good actor anymore. It's like, News Flash,

47:53

you'll be a better actor. Yeah, News

47:55

Flash. It's like fat comics who lose

47:57

weight. They're like, we're not. going to

47:59

be funny anymore. You're like, you're like,

48:01

no, your brain is the funny thing.

48:03

Yes, yes. But I wonder for you,

48:06

was there a moment in, in, in

48:08

realizing you'd kind of run out of

48:10

this initial supply that you, you talk

48:12

in the book about how you ran

48:14

your first show on it and all

48:16

these things? Were you ever? I don't

48:19

get my lessons in. I got it.

48:21

Okay, I got that loud and clear.

48:23

I don't need that. or yes, be

48:25

open-minded, people can reappear, blah blah blah,

48:27

but I don't want to learn lessons

48:29

twice. No, absolutely not. And you know

48:31

what? It even goes down. I started

48:34

doing this thing that a friend's mom

48:36

told me like, I don't know, maybe

48:38

two years ago. I was talking about

48:40

how I have this tendency to make

48:42

piles and I've like learned, you know,

48:44

that women with ADHD do this and

48:47

my friend's mom goes, oh, I can

48:49

undo that for you. And I can

48:51

undo that for you. I'm like, I'm

48:53

40. What are you going to undo

48:55

for me? And she goes, every time

48:57

you pick something up, you just have

49:00

to say, I don't want to waste

49:02

my time. I don't want to touch

49:04

this twice. And I was like, say

49:06

it again. And now it's like, if

49:08

I pick up the thing, I'm like,

49:10

well, what I'm not going to do

49:13

is put it down somewhere and then

49:15

have to fucking pick it up again.

49:17

That's a waste of my very valuable

49:19

time. Yeah, yeah, yeah, right. You know,

49:21

from your emotions to your things, it's

49:23

like it's so, it's so good and

49:25

I think it changes the way you

49:28

move. And you talk about something else

49:30

in the book that I love, which

49:32

my brain relates to changing the way

49:34

you move because you said that eventually

49:36

you ran out of the fuel of

49:38

anger and the drive it gave you,

49:41

like the kind of, I don't know

49:43

if you want to call it, you

49:45

know. the shocking aspect of comedy or

49:47

the teasing bit of it or the

49:49

or the judgmental commentary, however you want

49:51

to define it, but that really struck

49:54

me that you were like, oh, I

49:56

can't, I can't run my motor on

49:58

that type of fuel forever. Get

58:27

your jobs more visibility at

58:29

indeed.com/kids and family. Just go

58:31

to indeed.com/kids and family right

58:33

now and support our show

58:35

by saying you heard about

58:37

indeed on this podcast. Terms and

58:39

conditions apply. Hiring? Indeed is all.

58:55

Did you know at the time, were

58:57

you able to talk about it with

58:59

that kind of language? Like, oh, I'm

59:01

trying on new versions of myself. Like,

59:04

I'm leaning into my listener. I'm going

59:06

to lean into my graceful, gentle, soul,

59:08

human. Were you talking about that in

59:10

that really active therapy process? Or did

59:13

it kind of come to you later

59:15

as you felt like you, you like,

59:17

readjusted in my brain it's almost like

59:19

you readjusted the spine of yourself you

59:21

know you clicked everything back into place

59:24

like yeah no it was definitely after

59:26

like it was it's like you know

59:28

how you go to school during the

59:30

school year and then you have the

59:33

summer and the summer is meant for

59:35

children to absorb what they've learned during

59:37

the school year right that's how therapy

59:39

was for me like I got all

59:42

this information I understood it made sense

59:44

it was logical and linear here And

59:46

then I was like, okay, now, now

59:48

what? Do I just change my personality?

59:50

Or am I still allowed to be

59:53

parts of me? And you know, and

59:55

the answer is, you don't change your

59:57

personality. You, you just change the way

59:59

that you are in the world, you

1:00:02

know, your person there, and it's your

1:00:04

behavior that matters. So a lot of

1:00:06

like, and it was definitely after therapy,

1:00:08

it was like socializing, like I had

1:00:10

this new way of like engaging and

1:00:13

socializing, which was like, just not like

1:00:15

in your face and not assertive and

1:00:17

not inserting my own opinion into things

1:00:19

that didn't involve me. And I was

1:00:22

like, well, this isn't that funny either.

1:00:24

I've definitely found a balance. It's like

1:00:26

you can be all those things but

1:00:28

actually have a really fun disposition. You

1:00:31

know, when I walk into a room,

1:00:33

I want to like have a good

1:00:35

time. If I'm going out, I want

1:00:37

to have fun and I want other

1:00:39

people around me to have fun. So

1:00:42

it's more with like that intentionality now.

1:00:44

I love that. And how do you

1:00:46

feel like you know when to check

1:00:48

back in with therapy? Because I know

1:00:51

I'm curious about that and I'm who

1:00:53

might. be scared to ask someone in

1:00:55

their life that question, but who would

1:00:57

love to hear you talk about how

1:00:59

you know? Is there a feeling? Is

1:01:02

it an increase in anxiety? Like what

1:01:04

is it that makes you go like,

1:01:06

all right, it's been a couple of

1:01:08

months and I should I should check

1:01:11

back in. I should go back to

1:01:13

the mental gym. Yeah, totally. Great question.

1:01:15

I think it's definitely of anxiety. Like

1:01:17

if I'm veritable with people or everyone

1:01:20

like my schedule is too crazy and

1:01:22

I'm like, I'm like, okay, something's going

1:01:24

on with you. If I people are

1:01:26

really annoying me, then I know I

1:01:28

need to talk to my therapist because

1:01:31

I don't want, you know, I've learned

1:01:33

to have patients for people who I

1:01:35

don't respect. You know what I mean?

1:01:37

To have patients for people who I

1:01:40

don't find intelligence. Like I actually, I

1:01:42

can deal with that now. I think

1:01:44

is stupid and sit across from them

1:01:46

and be respectful. I'm able to do

1:01:48

that, then I'm I check in. Then

1:01:51

I feel like, okay, I'm fraying a

1:01:53

little bit. I need to center myself.

1:01:55

And I think the feeling that I

1:01:57

feel the most is the way that

1:02:00

is. best describes it as when I

1:02:02

feel grounded. Like when I feel in

1:02:04

my own body knowing that I am the

1:02:06

tree, you know, I'm not a leaf, I'm

1:02:08

the tree. You can't know because I'm so

1:02:10

solid. It doesn't matter what you say or

1:02:13

what you do or what you take away

1:02:15

from me, I am a tree. And when

1:02:17

I don't feel that way is when I

1:02:19

check in. Yeah, it's like you can tell

1:02:22

that something's just starting to

1:02:24

get a little off balance and

1:02:26

you want to get it right

1:02:28

side up again. Yeah, like for instance,

1:02:30

this shoulder thing, you know, I was

1:02:32

like, I spent my whistle, my winters

1:02:34

in Whistler usually, and I was, I

1:02:36

had, I was coming back to LA

1:02:38

and this kind of thing happened and

1:02:40

it was obviously not planned. I had

1:02:42

to have shoulder surgery for this infection.

1:02:44

And so because of it, I'm getting

1:02:46

like intravenous antibiotics every 24 hours. So

1:02:48

I haven't had a drink in, I

1:02:50

don't know, three weeks and I won't

1:02:52

have one again for another two weeks.

1:02:54

And I'm like, again for another two

1:02:56

weeks. And I'm like, That's a nice

1:02:59

break from drinking. I wouldn't have

1:03:01

taken five weeks off of drinking,

1:03:03

you know, like, oh, well, that

1:03:05

was probably somebody should take

1:03:07

a little break from drinking, you know,

1:03:09

like all of the little side things.

1:03:11

It's like, oh, we never, not we

1:03:14

never, but. As people, it's hard to

1:03:16

look at the situation as a whole

1:03:18

and find the like little nice silver

1:03:20

linings to things because worse. And I

1:03:22

could be sitting here just bitching about

1:03:24

my arm all day and and complaining

1:03:26

and believe me there have been days

1:03:28

where I wanted to do that. But

1:03:30

now I know in my life to

1:03:32

when I'm in that mood, don't leave

1:03:34

your house. I just. in my bed

1:03:36

and I'm like, let me just put

1:03:38

on some TV or read my book

1:03:40

and just don't interact with others. Because

1:03:42

before I'd be like, oh, it's okay,

1:03:44

I can hide it and I could

1:03:46

be in a good mood and it's like,

1:03:48

no, you can't. You can't hide it in

1:03:51

the shitty mood. Everyone knows. Everyone knows. So

1:03:53

yeah, but I'm definitely much better at looking

1:03:55

at the whole picture rather than age of

1:03:58

the book, you know, and being like. It's

1:04:00

like, well, there's another page after that. You

1:04:02

know, you talk about that in the book,

1:04:04

that you really had to come to terms

1:04:06

with the power of your vibe. Like if

1:04:09

you're in a bad mood, people will feel

1:04:11

it. If you are feeling confident, you said

1:04:13

it earlier, you can inject confidence into others.

1:04:15

Another thing women are not encouraged to embrace

1:04:17

is their power. How do you feel like

1:04:20

you got really into the power of your

1:04:22

vibe? I mean, I really like myself. And

1:04:24

I used to think that was such an

1:04:26

embarrassing thing to say, but I just am

1:04:28

going to keep saying it because I want

1:04:30

everyone to like themselves. Like, I respect myself,

1:04:33

you know, I have a standard of operation

1:04:35

and the way that I operate in the

1:04:37

world and I have high standards for my

1:04:39

close friends and my and lovers and relatives

1:04:41

too. And, you know, and I'm not the

1:04:44

most. Like, you know, if I have a

1:04:46

problem, I say I have a problem. It's

1:04:48

not like I can eat the other way

1:04:50

a lot. I'm very kind of forward, conflict

1:04:52

forward facing. Like if there's a conflict, let's

1:04:55

like hash it out. But I do have

1:04:57

a deep respect for myself and I, and

1:04:59

I, I know I've taken the time to

1:05:01

learn so much about everyone. that it was

1:05:03

just the right thing to do to also

1:05:05

take that time to learn about yourself. Like,

1:05:08

you can't really have judgments about other people

1:05:10

when you don't know where you're coming from.

1:05:12

And once you realize where you are coming

1:05:14

from, the judgments kind of diminish and fall.

1:05:16

because you realize you're your own experience, and

1:05:19

to have respect for the way, the respect

1:05:21

for the way you've handled difficult situations, to

1:05:23

have respect for your work ethic, to have

1:05:25

respect like, whatever it is about you, you

1:05:27

know, you don't have to be me to

1:05:30

respect yourself, you have to be somebody who's

1:05:32

willing to look within and look at, look

1:05:34

around and look at yourself and go, what

1:05:36

are the things I admire about myself? I

1:05:38

love the fact that I'm on time. I

1:05:41

love the fact that I, that I, if

1:05:43

I say something, I'm gonna do something. I

1:05:45

love the fact that I'll have an honest,

1:05:47

difficult conversation with someone that's a friend or

1:05:49

not a friend. Like, the fact that if

1:05:51

there's a room of 20 people and somebody

1:05:54

has to land a plane, I would be

1:05:56

like, it probably should be me. I mean,

1:05:58

that's a plane. But you know, like, I

1:06:00

like that, I'm so capable. Yeah. These things

1:06:02

are okay to say about ourselves. It's okay

1:06:05

to talk about what we love about ourselves.

1:06:07

It's kind of beautiful. And it's so easy

1:06:09

for you to say to Ashland, right? It's

1:06:11

so easy for you. These are the things

1:06:13

I love about you and for her to

1:06:16

say it back to you. But I don't

1:06:18

think we spend enough time telling each other,

1:06:20

like telling ourselves good job. Like, wow, you

1:06:22

handled that great today. You know, patting yourself

1:06:24

on the back. And that should be current

1:06:26

for all of us for all of us.

1:06:29

Yeah, I love it. Is this sort of

1:06:31

immensity of joy and the greatness of the

1:06:33

vibe? Is it what inspired another book? Well,

1:06:35

the book would happen when I was in

1:06:37

love with Joe and we were dating and

1:06:40

it was very public and an editor reached

1:06:42

out to me and said, Chelsea, you have

1:06:44

to write about your love story. Like, the

1:06:46

women need to hear this that you found

1:06:48

that. age I was 44 or something or

1:06:51

45 I don't know and you know we

1:06:53

want to hear about it like it's giving

1:06:55

everything open blah blah blah and I was

1:06:57

like sure I'll write about it yeah I

1:06:59

would love to write a book about love

1:07:02

like who you know how funny is that

1:07:04

yeah we broke up and then I was

1:07:06

like well let's just forget about the book

1:07:08

and she's like no no I would just

1:07:10

sit on it and see if anything else

1:07:12

you know is spurred from this and then

1:07:15

I was able to watch myself through this

1:07:17

breakup and see how dignified I was being

1:07:19

and how graceful in an area where I

1:07:21

had never been graceful before within breakups, you

1:07:23

know, just flash talking and yelling and screaming

1:07:26

and blaming. and you fuck you and

1:07:28

you and gonna regret regret

1:07:30

the day, all of

1:07:32

that nonsense. so nice so

1:07:34

it was so nice

1:07:37

to actually extricate myself

1:07:39

from a relationship, never

1:07:41

really tell anyone what

1:07:43

happened, never back to him.

1:07:45

I never once went

1:07:47

to his social media

1:07:50

and looked to see

1:07:52

what he was doing,

1:07:54

even when people are

1:07:56

like, were like, oh. he's doing like

1:07:58

just got rid of

1:08:01

all of that behavior. and

1:08:03

that made me so

1:08:05

proud. I was like,

1:08:07

maybe I should write

1:08:09

a book about breaking

1:08:12

up. And then when

1:08:14

I started thinking about

1:08:16

it, I was like,

1:08:18

you know I started This

1:08:20

is a perfect example

1:08:23

of, what this is a I

1:08:25

had this guy in

1:08:27

my life, I thought

1:08:29

I was gonna be

1:08:31

with this guy and

1:08:33

I was done with

1:08:36

men forever. with And

1:08:38

that was my guy. done

1:08:40

with men forever And was my guy

1:08:42

and out that's not

1:08:44

the guy, it didn't

1:08:47

work out. work out So

1:08:49

instead of being,