0:00

In this episode of

0:02

The You Can Heel

0:04

Your Life podcast, we're

0:07

thrilled to share a

0:09

transformative chapter from the

0:11

brand new audio book

0:13

The Missing Peace by

0:15

relationship experts Stacey and

0:17

Paul Martino. Discover the

0:19

groundbreaking concept of The

0:21

Closed Loop, as Stacey

0:23

recounts a hyperactive dog.

0:26

uncovering the profound connection

0:28

between our energy, actions,

0:30

and the reactions we

0:32

receive in relationships. Learn

0:34

how to recognize predictable

0:36

patterns, shift your triggers,

0:38

and create the outcomes you

0:41

desire, all by making small,

0:43

meaningful changes within yourself. Tune

0:45

in to find out why

0:47

it only takes one person

0:49

to heal and elevate any

0:51

relationship. Listen to the full

0:53

audio book free with a

0:55

trial of empower you unlimited

0:57

audio at hayhouse.com/empower you. slash

0:59

empower you. Or, listen on

1:01

Audible or free on

1:03

Spotify with

1:05

your premium

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subscription.

1:10

Section 1. The

1:13

Switch. Chapter

1:15

1. The Closed Loop.

1:17

When I was 26

1:20

years old, I bought

1:22

my first fixer.

1:25

One of the reasons was so

1:27

that I could move out of

1:29

my apartment and finally

1:31

realize my dream of

1:34

getting a dog. I got a

1:36

boxer puppy that I named Putty

1:38

after the character on the TV

1:41

show Seinfeld. Within a few

1:43

months, my puppy was already

1:45

55 pounds stood over six

1:47

feet tall on her hind

1:49

legs and was hyper jumpy

1:52

and full of energy. Puddy

1:54

would pull me around the neighborhood

1:56

and knock people over when she

1:58

jumped on them. People asked

2:01

me if maybe she was too

2:03

much dog for me. But the

2:06

thought of giving her up broke

2:08

my heart. I was already completely

2:10

in love with this dog. So

2:13

I watched Caesar Milan, the dog

2:15

whisperer, on TV. I wanted to

2:18

be able to get putty to

2:20

respond calmly, the way Caesar was

2:22

able to do with out-of-control dogs

2:25

on his show. Seeing Caesar do

2:27

it, I knew it was possible,

2:29

and yet I couldn't get Puddy

2:32

to behave. Was she the one

2:34

dog that was going to be

2:37

hopeless? I couldn't accept that. So

2:39

I called a local dog trainer

2:41

to come help me train her.

2:44

The following Saturday morning, we went

2:46

outside to wait for the trainer.

2:49

Puddy was running around the yard,

2:51

and I struggled to get her

2:53

back on the leash. This better

2:56

work, I thought to myself. That's

2:58

when I heard the dog trainer's

3:00

giant black pickup truck pulling into

3:03

the driveway, and so did Puddy.

3:05

Now she was pulling and jumping

3:08

and freaking out. This guy stepped

3:10

out of his truck, and I

3:12

immediately apologized as Puddy started to

3:15

lunge toward him and jump. To

3:17

my complete surprise, the trainer stayed

3:19

right where he was and made

3:22

a sound. And then I watched

3:24

as Puddy instantly sat down on

3:27

the driveway in front of him.

3:29

What kind of voodoo is this?

3:31

I thought. How'd you get her

3:34

to do that? I blurted out.

3:36

As if on Q, Puddy started

3:39

jumping and pulling on me again.

3:41

He looked at me and said,

3:43

She already knows how to sit

3:46

and she knows how to not

3:48

jump. I didn't come here to

3:50

train your dog. I came here

3:53

to train you. Holy shit, this

3:55

just got serious I laughed. Teach

3:58

me Obie One! He

4:00

smiled and took the leash from

4:02

me. He looked at Puddy and

4:05

told her to sit and she

4:07

sat down next to his feet.

4:09

What were you two doing before

4:11

I got here? He asked me.

4:13

She was running around the yard.

4:16

I was hoping she would get

4:18

some of her energy out before

4:20

you arrived, I said. What about

4:22

before that? He asked. Before

4:25

that, I replied. Um, nothing

4:27

really. We were in the kitchen,

4:29

I guess. Think about it, he

4:31

said. Before you came out the

4:33

door, can you remember where

4:35

you were standing? Did you

4:38

put the leash on her in the

4:40

house? What were you saying to her?

4:42

Can you show me exactly

4:44

the way that you did it? I

4:46

made a face, because I was a

4:49

little embarrassed. He nodded

4:51

as if to encourage me to

4:53

say it anyway. In my best

4:55

mommy talking to a baby

4:57

voice, I recreated that moment.

4:59

Here's how it went. Where's

5:02

my big girl? Where is she?

5:04

Putty, putty, come on girl, let's

5:06

go. Can you guess who's coming

5:08

over? Yes, can you guess? The doggy

5:11

trainer is coming. Yes, he is, yes,

5:13

she is. And he's going to teach

5:15

you how to sit and how to

5:17

walk on the leash like a good

5:19

girl. You want to be a good

5:22

girl, right? You want to meet him?

5:24

Do you want to? Do you want

5:26

to? Okay, let's go!" The trainer was

5:29

smiling. I was super embarrassed,

5:31

of course. Don't sweat it.

5:33

I already knew it. Stacey, you took

5:35

her level of excitement from a

5:37

level zero to a level 12

5:39

out of 10, in about 60

5:42

seconds. Then you bring her out here

5:44

and she's ready to tear the world

5:46

in two, and then you wonder why

5:48

she can't just behave? and be

5:51

calm? I started laughing.

5:53

Damn, this guy was good.

5:55

Puddy is a dog. He continued.

5:58

She's not a... human, she

6:01

operates the way canines operate, not

6:03

the way you operate, she responds

6:05

to your energy more than your

6:07

words. So when you take your

6:10

excitement all the way up, she's

6:12

going to react to that energy

6:14

level. And when you get upset

6:17

that she's not listening, and you

6:19

tell her to stop it, sit

6:21

down, or don't pull, but you

6:24

are yelling and your energy is

6:26

high, she's still going to react

6:28

to that increase in energy in

6:31

energy. When I approach her, I

6:33

am calm. I don't need her

6:35

to listen. I expect her to

6:38

listen, and I'm in charge. And

6:40

she feels it. Now she understands

6:42

I am the leader, and she

6:45

knows that makes her the follower,

6:47

and she responds as such. This

6:49

is how the canine species interacts.

6:51

She doesn't need training. She already

6:54

knows how to react like a

6:56

dog. You needed the training for

6:58

how to get those responses from

7:01

her. That's all. He was spot

7:03

on right. I was interacting with

7:05

Puddy for how I was wired,

7:08

not for how she was wired.

7:10

I had the best of intentions,

7:12

but I just had no idea

7:15

she was wired differently. I had

7:17

dogs my whole life as a

7:19

kid, but no one ever taught

7:22

me that before. So, I learned

7:24

from the trainer how to interact

7:26

with Puddy for how she is

7:29

wired. I kept working with that

7:31

trainer until I could lead putty

7:33

effortlessly. Within a few weeks, she

7:36

was walking calmly on the leash.

7:38

Within a few months, she didn't

7:40

need a leash at all. Eventually,

7:42

you could drop a steak on

7:45

the floor, and she wouldn't touch

7:47

it unless I gave her the

7:49

nod. I took her everywhere with

7:52

me. We were always together. She

7:54

was an amazing girl. and eventually

7:56

the best big sister to our

7:59

children. Puddy did not... need the

8:01

trainer to teach her anything. I

8:03

needed the training and

8:05

she changed in response

8:07

to the change within

8:10

me and that

8:12

happens because relationship

8:14

is a closed loop. Principle,

8:17

relationship is a

8:19

closed loop. In an

8:22

interaction between people

8:24

what we put into the

8:26

loop are actions, energy,

8:28

and language, causes

8:30

a reaction to come out

8:33

of the loop, back to us.

8:35

For instance, if you

8:37

were talking to someone

8:40

about something important

8:42

and they just rolled their

8:45

eyes at you, would that cause

8:47

a reaction in you? Yeah,

8:49

I bet it would. What if,

8:52

in that same situation,

8:54

You were talking to someone

8:56

about something important,

8:59

and they looked directly

9:01

at you, nodded their head,

9:04

and genuinely said, I'm

9:06

tracking with you. Yep,

9:08

I got that. Would you

9:10

feel and respond differently

9:12

to that interaction

9:15

versus the eye roll response?

9:17

Sure you would. Principal,

9:20

when you change what you

9:22

put into the loop, You

9:24

change what you get out. Triggers

9:26

are what go into

9:28

the loop. Boomerangs are

9:31

what come out of the

9:33

loop. Listen to that again

9:35

and take that in. It's

9:37

both simple and life-changing

9:39

at the same time.

9:42

When someone puts

9:44

an eye roll into the

9:46

loop, it creates a reaction

9:48

from you that boomerangs

9:51

back to them. When someone

9:53

puts understanding and listening

9:56

into the loop, it creates

9:58

a different reaction. from

10:00

you that boomerangs back

10:02

to them. Just like

10:04

in my example with

10:06

our dog puddy, I

10:08

was putting an excitement

10:10

energy trigger into the

10:12

loop and getting a

10:14

hyper dog boomerang back

10:17

out of the loop.

10:19

Here's the predictable pattern

10:21

loop. Trigger, excitement energy,

10:23

boomerang, a hyper dog.

10:26

The dog trainer changed what

10:28

he put into the loop

10:30

and got a different output

10:33

from the loop. Trigger, calm,

10:35

confident energy, boomerang, a calm

10:38

and responsive dog. The closed

10:40

loop. All relationships are a

10:42

closed loop, a predictable pattern

10:45

with a predictable outcome. You

10:47

can see an illustration of

10:50

the closed loop in the

10:52

audiobook supplement PDF or print

10:54

book. Caesar Milan has been

10:57

teaching this principle with dogs

10:59

for decades. I was experiencing

11:02

the boomerang of the loop

11:04

the whole time. I just

11:07

didn't know it. I couldn't

11:09

see the loop because it

11:11

was invisible to me. I

11:14

was missing a piece of

11:16

the puzzle. Principal. Principal. Once

11:19

you have visibility of the

11:21

loop, you can choose the

11:23

output you want by selecting

11:26

the coordinating input. Once you

11:28

have visibility of the loop,

11:31

you can choose the output

11:33

you want by selecting the

11:35

coordinating input. Once I got

11:38

visibility and learned the loop,

11:40

then I could choose what

11:43

I put into the loop

11:45

trigger for the output I

11:47

wanted back. boomerang. If I

11:50

want to come and respond

11:52

to a dog as the

11:55

boomerang out of the loop,

11:57

then I know what to

12:00

put into the loop to

12:02

create that, my calm and

12:04

confident energy. What if

12:07

I said to you, well, I don't

12:09

like that. I'm an excitable

12:12

girl and I should be able

12:14

to be excited around this

12:16

dog and she should stay

12:19

calm and listen to me

12:21

anyway. She's just a bad

12:23

dog. Knowing what you know now,

12:25

what would you say to me? Maybe

12:28

something like... She's not

12:30

a bad dog. She's just

12:32

being a dog. Or, look,

12:34

whether you like it or

12:36

not, it's a fact that's

12:38

not going to change. Or,

12:41

you can't expect this

12:43

poor dog to react in

12:45

a way that she is

12:47

not wired for, simply because

12:50

you refuse to change. Any

12:52

of those resonate for

12:54

you? The same is true

12:57

in human dynamics. Principle.

13:00

Relationship is a closed

13:03

loop. Principle. Predictable

13:05

patterns create predictable

13:08

outcomes. Principle. There

13:10

are predictable pattern

13:13

loops that are currently

13:15

invisible to you based on

13:17

how humans are wired. When you

13:20

change what you put into the

13:22

loop, you change what comes out

13:24

of the loop. I'll give you

13:26

an example. Can

13:31

you

13:33

think

13:37

of a

13:43

and ended up doing something for them

13:45

that you really did not wanna do. like

13:51

that?

13:55

I can practically hear you

13:57

saying which one. So how...

14:00

that feel? Not great, right?

14:02

This dynamic has two

14:04

common predictable outcomes. Predictable

14:06

outcome number one. They're

14:09

not happy anyway. It's

14:11

never good enough. Or,

14:13

predictable outcome two. The

14:15

other person is happy.

14:17

They got their way.

14:19

And you are unhappy,

14:22

because either one... They

14:24

are not grateful, nice,

14:26

or appreciative of your

14:28

effort. Or two, when

14:30

you need something, they

14:32

don't give back to

14:35

you. Typically, when this

14:37

pattern happens, we end

14:39

up feeling resentful. Resentment

14:41

is the feeling that

14:43

happens when you do

14:45

something that you don't

14:47

want to do, just

14:50

to make someone else

14:52

happy, and it still

14:54

doesn't end happy. Here's

14:57

the predictable pattern loop. Trigger,

14:59

pleasing, boomerang, resentment. When you

15:02

put pleasing into the loop,

15:04

the boomerang is resentment. This

15:06

is a predictable pattern with

15:09

predictable results. It's just been

15:11

invisible to you until now.

15:13

So, you keep putting pleasing

15:16

into the loop, thinking we're

15:18

hoping. that it will just

15:20

be better to give them

15:23

what they want, and you

15:25

end up feeling resentful later.

15:27

Because the loop has been

15:30

invisible, you don't see the

15:32

pleasing trigger going into the

15:34

loop. You just feel the

15:37

resentment boomerang, and you don't

15:39

like it. Maybe you blame

15:42

the other person by thinking,

15:44

there's just no pleasing you.

15:46

Or perhaps... You decide to

15:49

give up on interactions with

15:51

them, thinking, I don't know

15:53

why I bother, or nothing

15:56

I do is... good enough,

15:58

so I'm just going to

16:00

do what I want anyway.

16:03

Those are all very common

16:05

and understandable reactions to the

16:07

boomerang when you can't see

16:10

the trigger and the loop.

16:12

Now that you know that

16:14

the trigger of pleasing causes

16:17

the boomerang of resentment, you

16:19

can choose whether you want

16:21

to put pleasing into the

16:24

loop next time. It's not

16:26

your fault. No one has

16:29

ever taught us these predictable

16:31

pattern loops before now. For

16:33

most humans, the loop is

16:36

invisible. Principal, when the loop

16:38

is invisible, all we experience

16:40

is the unwanted boomerang, and

16:43

it looks to us like

16:45

their reaction is coming out

16:47

of nowhere. You've had the

16:50

experience of being unhappy with

16:52

someone. You know what it

16:54

feels like when you don't

16:57

like what they are doing

16:59

or saying and you wish

17:01

they would just stop or

17:04

do say it differently. What

17:06

most humans do when this

17:09

happens is what I call

17:11

fighting with the boomerang. You

17:13

try to get the other

17:16

person to change. You might

17:18

ask them to change. Can

17:20

you not talk to me

17:23

like that? You might beg

17:25

them to change. I've asked

17:27

you not to talk to

17:30

me that way, please. You

17:32

might yell at them to

17:34

change. Don't talk to me

17:37

like that. You may even

17:39

threaten them to change. If

17:41

you talk like that to

17:44

me one more time, all

17:46

that is fighting with the

17:49

boomerang that was already in

17:51

motion back to you. You

17:53

are trying to get them

17:56

to change the output from

17:58

the predictable pattern loop. Fighting

18:00

the boomerang already in motion

18:03

to you is ineffective at

18:05

best. but often even creates

18:07

a new fight between you

18:10

and the other person. This

18:12

is what is happening in

18:14

relationships across the world right

18:17

now. People are using all

18:19

kinds of tactics to try

18:21

to get their partner to

18:24

change, to stop doing this

18:26

and do that instead. And

18:28

their kids. and their family,

18:31

and the people at work,

18:33

and their friends, and on

18:36

and on. How do I

18:38

get them to stop X,

18:40

and how do I get

18:43

them to do Y instead?

18:45

Principle. People are not acting

18:47

toward you. People are reacting

18:50

to the trigger you unknowingly

18:52

put into the loop. Even

18:54

after you are fighting with

18:57

the boomerang, you keep shoving

18:59

the same trigger into the

19:01

loop unknowingly and generating the

19:04

same unwanted boomerang over and

19:06

over. It's not your fault.

19:08

You are not a bad

19:11

person. I was doing the

19:13

same thing, and so we're

19:16

thousands of students I've trained.

19:18

No one ever told us

19:20

any of this stuff before.

19:23

And I'm here now. And

19:25

we have solved this. And

19:27

we have solved this. Over

19:30

the last decade plus, Paul

19:32

and I have discovered and

19:34

mapped out hundreds of these

19:37

predictable pattern loops. The great

19:39

news is this has nothing

19:41

to do with you or

19:44

your partner's personality or history.

19:46

These are predictable pattern loops

19:48

that humans operate by. Principle.

19:51

It's only a predictable pattern

19:53

loop if it applies as

19:56

a principle. impacting most humans.

19:58

Please don't confuse these to

20:00

be a you and your

20:02

partner list of loops. These

20:05

are not about the two of

20:07

you. These are human

20:09

dynamics. So then, what do

20:11

we do now? What do we

20:13

do? Number one, get visibility.

20:16

Get visibility into

20:19

the predictable pattern

20:21

loops so that you can

20:23

see the predictable

20:25

patterns with predictable

20:28

outcomes. Number

20:30

2. Get the skill sets.

20:33

Get the skills and training

20:35

on the trigger and

20:37

boomerang patterns. Number

20:40

3. Implement. Choose

20:42

what you put into the

20:44

loop for the boomerang

20:47

that you want. Stop

20:49

putting triggers into

20:51

the loop that create

20:53

the wanted boomerangs.

20:57

This book will begin to map

20:59

this out for you. We are going

21:01

to start giving you

21:03

visibility into the loops we

21:06

have discovered and give you

21:08

our tools, strategies, and skill

21:10

sets to implement so you

21:12

get the result you want.

21:14

You are not alone. This dynamic

21:16

is happening in all

21:19

human relationships. Humans today

21:22

are unnecessarily suffering.

21:24

because these predictable

21:26

pattern loops have been

21:29

invisible to us until now.

21:31

It only takes one. This

21:33

is why we say that it only

21:36

takes one person to

21:38

transform a relationship.

21:41

Relationship is a closed loop,

21:44

when you gain visibility

21:46

of the loops and

21:49

learn the trigger-boomerang patterns.

21:51

Then you can change what trigger

21:54

you put into the loop to

21:56

change the boomerang that comes

21:58

back. It only takes One person

22:00

to change what goes into

22:03

the loop, which changes the

22:05

boomerang. Relationship is a skill

22:08

set. It only takes one

22:10

person to learn this and

22:13

implement the skill sets to

22:15

get the results you desire

22:18

for your relationship. You actually

22:20

do not need your partner's

22:23

agreement for this to work.

22:25

All humans change. All

22:28

humans change. Not because

22:30

you told them to.

22:32

They change when they

22:35

want to. In relationship,

22:37

humans change in response

22:39

to you changing what

22:41

you put into the

22:43

loop, both for the

22:45

positive and the negative.

22:48

That's not my opinion.

22:50

That's a fact. If

22:52

you continue to unknowingly

22:54

put triggers into the

22:56

loop that create predictable

22:58

boomerangs. it would be

23:01

ineffective at best to

23:03

try to get the

23:05

other person to change

23:07

their reaction to you.

23:09

More on that next.

23:11

This is not only

23:13

how I saved my

23:16

own relationship, but also

23:18

how thousands of people

23:20

around the world have

23:22

transformed their relationships with

23:24

our method and training.

23:26

And you can do

23:29

it too. You must

23:31

start by gaining visibility

23:33

of the predictable pattern

23:35

loops. and learning the

23:37

trigger boomerang patterns. We've

23:39

covered three loop examples

23:41

already. One, trigger excitement

23:44

energy, boomerang, hyperdog. Two,

23:46

trigger, calm and confident

23:48

energy, boomerang, calm and

23:50

responsive dog. Three, trigger-pleasing,

23:52

boomerang, Once you

23:54

know these loops, it's now your

23:57

choice what to put into the

23:59

loop. This entire book

24:01

will give you visibility

24:03

into many trigger and

24:06

boomerang loops. Every chapter

24:08

will reveal yet

24:10

another predictable pattern

24:12

with a predictable outcome

24:15

so that you can choose your

24:17

actions for the reaction

24:19

you want. By now you might

24:21

have had thoughts like, but what

24:23

about the other person? What

24:25

if they won't read this book?

24:27

What if they won't get this

24:30

training? What if they won't

24:32

do this too? Luckily for you,

24:34

everything I'm about to teach you

24:37

can give you the results you

24:39

want in your relationships without

24:41

you having to convince them

24:43

to get on board and

24:45

do this too. I promise

24:47

you our dog putting never

24:49

read this book either. I

24:51

know it's so hard for

24:53

people to believe it when

24:55

we say it only takes

24:57

one person to transform a

24:59

relationship.