0:00

You made it weird. You made

0:02

it weird. You made it weird.

0:04

You made it weird. You made

0:06

it weird. You made it weird.

0:08

You made it weird. With Pete

0:10

Holmes. What's happening, weirdos? This is

0:13

the return of one of my

0:15

absolute favorite people. One

0:17

of the funniest people

0:19

alive. Gareth Reynolds.

0:21

You may maybe remember Gareth

0:24

from the last time he was on

0:26

the show. When we talked all these,

0:28

I saw Solis. And he's back and

0:30

we laugh so much. Every once in

0:32

a while I'm just like, you know

0:34

what, let's just have a friend on,

0:36

let's be silly, and let's do bits

0:38

the whole time. And that's what we

0:40

did. We do get into some, you

0:42

know, interesting areas, but most of the

0:44

wake through were riffing and laughing. So

0:46

we were due for a silly one.

0:49

and I'm glad you're here to laugh

0:51

and enjoy with us. Gareth is on

0:53

tour. He's going to be in Sacramento,

0:55

San Francisco, Naples, Florida, Charlotte, North

0:57

Carolina, Raleigh, North Carolina, Virginia Beach,

0:59

Virginia, Richmond. He's going all over.

1:01

Go to Gareth reynolds.com and check

1:03

out his tour dates. He's so

1:05

funny. Do yourself a favorite. Go

1:07

see him live. I'm also touring.

1:10

Coming up next is my Largo

1:12

on February 15th here in Los

1:14

Angeles. That's going to be incredible.

1:16

Some very very big guests that

1:18

I can't even mention, but really

1:20

really good ones. And then on

1:22

February 21st, I'm going to be

1:24

in Vancouver, we just added a second

1:27

show, my Canadian weirdos, hope you can

1:29

come out on February 21st, part of

1:31

the Just for Last Fest, tickets for

1:34

all of these are on Pete holmes.com,

1:36

followed by Atlantic City, New Jersey, Austin,

1:38

Texas, St. Louis, Missouri, Nashville, Tennessee, and

1:41

Royal Oak, Michigan. All of those are

1:43

on Pete holmes.com, and be sure to

1:45

see Gareth out there as well. In

1:47

the meantime, so glad you're here. Let's

1:51

enjoy this podcast.

1:54

Let's do it.

1:56

Let's get into it.

1:59

This is slander this

2:01

is the highest that what this is

2:03

is a gotcha podcast is this

2:05

how these are supposed to go socks

2:07

wise is that what we're a real

2:10

saggy sock a saggy sock tucked in

2:12

is that what what you're gonna

2:14

want to do because walk me

2:16

through being a man you're in

2:18

a committed relationship but she doesn't

2:21

live here so that's that you

2:23

mean she doesn't live here she lives

2:25

on the East Coast So that's

2:27

why you got that baggy baggy low

2:29

hanging you know what she does a

2:32

lot is she'll go what are you

2:34

wearing which well checking show sure you're

2:36

not making and she'll go flip it

2:38

around and let me see the mirror and

2:40

then I'll be like because

2:42

I'll be like that bottom's

2:44

falling apart they she wants

2:46

to okay your outfit just

2:48

yeah you're out there representing

2:50

her You're like her manager?

2:52

Well she- And if you

2:55

look like- Yeah, she- She

2:57

looked like shit! She's cosigned.

2:59

So she's going like, let's

3:01

get it going. Yeah, I

3:03

didn't know you were in

3:05

a long desk. Yeah. Long

3:07

desk. Yep, for now, yeah.

3:09

Like bitch, you ain't shit.

3:11

I would not say that.

3:13

No, that's a long desk.

3:15

Oh, that- better. It's just

3:18

I heard the- I'll have a

3:20

bit. We'll do a bit. No,

3:22

but a word, fly! No!

3:24

Now why that? You have

3:26

a decent one. Don't go.

3:29

No! No, no, I don't.

3:31

I forgot that you're a

3:33

secret Brett. Yeah. What were

3:36

you going to say? Welcome

3:38

to the show. I'm firing on all, and

3:40

I don't like it. I love it. I

3:42

don't like how I'm hosting. Nah, I think

3:45

that's wrong. I think you're doing great. Thanks.

3:47

Well, I'm excited to see you is what

3:49

I'm trying to say. I, uh... This is

3:51

a day off. Just go on the phone.

3:53

I just dropped my wedding ring. You know

3:56

what that is. You're single. Yeah. Should we

3:58

get the spider over? You want to be? the

4:00

spider that we saw earlier? Did

4:02

you know a spider has eight

4:04

vaginas? Is that true? That's what

4:06

Iraq did mean. Even the males?

4:08

The males have 12. Vaginas! Vaginas!

4:10

That explains a lot. That's why

4:12

spiders are always, you know, you

4:14

don't have, you're not making up

4:17

for something if you're going around

4:19

scaring people all the time. Let

4:21

me ask you this Peter. No,

4:23

stay single. You can dress like

4:25

what you want. That's right. Or

4:27

long desk. Yeah, you're long desk.

4:29

Look, I'll put it here. There

4:31

you go. The gets away. We're

4:33

gonna get it. I'm gonna write

4:36

that down. What were you gonna

4:38

say? I was gonna ask how

4:40

many spider bits you have. You

4:42

got a lot of spider bits?

4:44

Spider jokes? I have one moth

4:46

joke. What do you got moth

4:48

wise? This is so petty. Go.

4:50

But it's the only joke that

4:52

cumel. Shots fired already. Naham Chad.

4:55

Yeah. Well, Camille and I started

4:57

together. Still. And still? Yeah, it

4:59

feels like a shot is being

5:01

aimed. Oh, you mean like I'm

5:03

gonna take him down? Yeah. It's

5:05

time, too. It would be hard

5:07

to take him now. That's what

5:09

I mean. It seems impossible. So

5:11

let's get him. If you're in

5:14

a bar fight with Camille, you're

5:16

grabbing something. Yes. You know what

5:18

I mean? Yeah. His cheat meal.

5:20

His cheat meal. and throwing it

5:22

at that's the only way to

5:24

stop him is to throw a

5:26

donut at him be like it's

5:28

your day off and then throw

5:30

it across yeah so he runs

5:33

after yes and then he goes

5:35

yeah and I do his voice

5:37

anymore it's different I don't mean

5:39

how close are you feels like

5:41

shots fired no for a very

5:43

long time I would have fearlessly

5:45

done kumel's I that's now I

5:47

don't think he can't think he

5:49

can't Alame's performance will age poorly.

5:52

Because he's doing Dylan. Yeah, you

5:54

can't do Dylan voice. Yeah, you

5:56

can't do Dylan voice anymore. I'm

5:58

sorry. Like someone will be like,

6:00

did you hear Pete Holmes back

6:02

in the, hey, come in. It's

6:04

like, that is so. Yeah. Yeah.

6:06

I think you're on to something.

6:08

I don't think future they're gonna

6:11

say. I'm sorry, were you pretending

6:13

to be Bob Dylan? Everyone was

6:15

doing a Dylan back then. You'd

6:17

go to a club and you'd

6:19

walk in. It was a different

6:21

time. People wanted it. Yeah. People

6:23

wanted it. Hey! Who's going on?

6:25

Hey! Do you think he's ever...

6:28

Like, because how he really talks,

6:30

old Dylan, he'll be like, I

6:32

don't know why, people, people out

6:34

here saying, and I talk about,

6:36

hey, yeah, is he ever done

6:38

that? I think he's done that,

6:40

and I think he probably doesn't

6:42

care for it. I don't think

6:44

he likes it. I don't think

6:47

why would he? He was like,

6:49

especially because he was like being,

6:51

well, being him. Also when if

6:53

Chalame taught us anything is that

6:55

Bobby D didn't really sing like

6:57

that. No, sometimes he would. How

6:59

does it feel like then he'd

7:01

get into it? It's very similar

7:03

to how when you hear British

7:06

or English people sing, like, and

7:08

then you hear him interviewed and

7:10

you're like, what? It's like the

7:12

first time you heard Christian Bale.

7:14

Yeah. Talk. And you're like, what?

7:16

What? They're from Arizona. Because we're

7:18

singing our words now. Yes. To

7:20

their ear. Yes. This is music

7:22

to them. Yes. Yes. To them

7:25

they go. The Queen would be

7:27

like, well, put a beat to

7:29

that. Even God save the Queen.

7:31

God save it. Not very much

7:33

accent in that. God save the

7:35

Queen. What is the British? What

7:37

is the British sentence? Oh dear.

7:39

That has the least British accent.

7:41

Because there's always a couple. Like

7:44

in Irish you get in trouble

7:46

where you're like, oh, let's go

7:48

down to the fucking pub, right?

7:50

Yeah. And then it starts getting

7:52

Scottish. And then we'll go in

7:54

our truck and before you do

7:56

it, you're going to a kind

7:58

of Scottish. But then the problem

8:00

is, there are things in the

8:03

Irish accent you say that just

8:05

sound exactly like us. So you

8:07

as a bisexual. Yeah. What is

8:09

the phrase? That sounds exactly the

8:11

same in English. And buddy, if

8:13

you can't think of it, we're

8:15

asking JetGPT. We're gonna ask. It's

8:17

probably worth asking and letting me

8:19

compare anyway. Oh! Because I need

8:22

a second to think of what.

8:24

It's probably like, all right, you,

8:26

you, you, you, you, no, you

8:28

is pretty good. It's tough. You,

8:30

he. Especially where I found the

8:32

subject. Yeah. Can we get a

8:34

suggestion? Hank, Ed. Ed. See, I

8:36

was gonna say. It's tough. I

8:38

would say. Phil. Phil, Phil, Phil,

8:41

found, Phil, found, Phil, found, Phil,

8:43

found, Phil, found, Phil found, some

8:45

felons, no, no, Phil, found, Betty,

8:47

Betty, no, Phil, Betty, no, already,

8:49

Phil, Phil, found, Phil, Phil, found,

8:51

Trebo, Trebo, how about a storm's

8:53

coming, it's tough. Yeah, yeah, it's

8:55

gotta be, you're on the money,

8:57

we can't even have a subject,

9:00

it's gotta be like a subject,

9:02

it's gotta be like... Time's up.

9:04

Yeah, it's gotta be quick. Yeah.

9:06

Stop sign. Yeah, it's gotta be

9:08

that real fast. Gosh! One light,

9:10

it's as to just be exclude,

9:12

it has to be. Those testinos.

9:14

Oh, that was so British. That

9:16

was so British. I got ripped

9:19

on weed smoke, not a huge

9:21

per taker, but when I take,

9:23

I'm took, okay? So, okay, the

9:25

kind of, the, when was this?

9:27

Okay, this was probably, after I

9:29

taped my special, I was like,

9:31

I'm gonna give myself two weeks

9:33

to smoke weed. Here's my, you

9:35

want my conclusion, yes. It's not

9:38

that great. It's not that great.

9:40

Yeah, it's okay The best part

9:42

of smoking weed is you know

9:44

you're not doing anything It's like

9:46

this time where you're like I

9:48

can't do my taxes. You know

9:50

what I mean? I I was

9:52

a huge weed smoker for most

9:54

of my adult life and then

9:57

I stopped like almost three years

9:59

ago, and then I was in

10:01

Seattle and I and I got

10:03

stoned for the first time of

10:05

a year and a half, not

10:07

even that high. And I was

10:09

like, I can't believe I just

10:11

used to do this before everything.

10:13

Wow, yeah. Because it really did,

10:16

like it was what everyone talks

10:18

about, my anxiety was high. I

10:20

just felt anxiety. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

10:22

I felt like I was like.

10:24

It's like spicy food. You get

10:26

used to your esophagus. Yeah, right.

10:28

Yes. And weed you got used

10:30

to being like, is the postman?

10:32

An assassin? Postman. Postman and assassin.

10:35

Postman and assassin. We said we'd

10:37

ask her bring in send in

10:39

the robot. How much were robot?

10:41

Is that the anus of AI?

10:43

Is it Jewish men that say

10:45

robot or is it just New

10:47

York? I thought it was just

10:49

guys I don't know. You don't

10:51

want it on that. Yeah, I

10:54

don't want it on that. Really.

10:56

I'm a big, I'm a big,

10:58

I was just gonna look at

11:00

future guy. Are you? Oh yeah.

11:02

Oh. Not touching it. I don't

11:04

believe there's a Jew in New

11:06

York. How about that? I'm going

11:08

the other way. What is a

11:10

sentence you could say with a

11:13

British accent that would sound exactly

11:15

the same if you said it

11:17

within an American accent. Like do

11:19

you understand we're looking for a

11:21

sentence that a British person would

11:23

say there would be no accent.

11:25

Is it going to understand this?

11:27

A good example might be, I

11:29

saw a panda. The pronunciation of

11:32

those words is pretty much identical

11:34

in both accents. I saw a

11:36

panda. That's not bad. I saw

11:38

a panda. Soul is tough. Soul

11:40

is tough. We're having issues with

11:42

it. I've seen a panda. I've

11:44

seen a panda. Is that better?

11:46

I've never engaged like this. No,

11:48

you're right. So and I might

11:51

give it away a bit. The

11:53

British intonation could sneak in there.

11:55

Maybe something even simpler, like a

11:57

man and a banana. It's straightforward

11:59

and avoids tricky words. Bananas. Yeah,

12:01

she just, she just, she just

12:03

showed her ones and zero. I,

12:05

uh, but I, I've never... Banana.

12:07

Bananas. Bananas. There was a cartoon

12:10

called Banana Man, but... Bananaman? When

12:12

Eric eats a banana? This guy,

12:14

when he ate a banana... Eric?

12:16

Yes, Eric. You do know what

12:18

I've talked about. When Eric, when

12:20

Eric eats a banana, he becomes...

12:22

Banana Man! They showed that during

12:24

Danger Mouse. How about the villain?

12:26

What was his name? Ready? I

12:29

remembered it like a year ago.

12:31

I've seen a panda. Baron von

12:33

Greenback. Because he was a frog.

12:35

That was the best show. Danger

12:37

Mouse. Remember when you're a kid?

12:39

Remember when you're a kid? And

12:41

you're not quite ready for like

12:43

real violence? Yes. But you kind

12:45

of want a protagonist like Darkwing

12:48

Duck, who looks like maybe he

12:50

punches people in the face. Great,

12:52

great, great, great ref again. Yes,

12:54

maybe Danger Mouse, who has an

12:56

eye patch. Yes. He might, he

12:58

might fight. It's like the Ninja

13:00

Turtles. Yeah, they have those weapons.

13:02

They are the gateway. They're the

13:04

weed. They are the weed. They

13:07

are the weed. To the heroin

13:09

of John Witt. Yes. Yes. I

13:11

was playing Red Dead Redemption yesterday

13:13

and my friend Michael Gunger was

13:15

watching me and he said bullets

13:17

are the, what did he call

13:19

them? He goes anti-sperm. He's like

13:21

men love shooting things. We shoot

13:23

sperm at women and make life.

13:26

We shoot bullets at men and

13:28

that is very interesting. That is

13:30

very well. It's bullet sperm. Now,

13:32

high or not high? Not high.

13:34

And he's watching you play? Yeah,

13:36

because I just set up a

13:38

theater here. Look, before you think

13:40

I'm a fancy pants with with

13:42

baggy socks and a pan of

13:45

real lower half that falls apart.

13:47

Go ahead. That you have to

13:49

show to a girlfriend who's not

13:51

even going to see you that

13:53

day. Yeah, but she still needs

13:55

to. Yes. How are you representing

13:57

us? There's notes on the street.

13:59

Always notes. I bought, I'm ready,

14:01

are you ready for something to

14:04

get better in your life? Yes.

14:06

This is like, fucking, I'm hot

14:08

on this tip. Let's go. You go

14:10

on amazon.com, you look for a

14:12

projector, wait, wait. I'm, wait. My

14:14

nipples are hard already. If you're

14:17

anything like me, you're like, projectors,

14:19

what am I, a swinger? You

14:21

know what I mean? What do

14:23

I have a shag carpet room?

14:25

You gotta bang my neighbor's wife?

14:27

Because you got a fucking

14:30

projector with the three colors,

14:32

red, yellow and blue. Hey

14:34

Don, I got a

14:36

projector. Lucy around? You

14:39

can have Sharon. We're doing

14:41

this. The projector is the

14:44

hot tub of the indoors.

14:46

It is. Yeah. It's like

14:49

a barrel life I have.

14:51

It's the massage chair projector,

14:53

cigar, humidador. Anyway. Anyway. So

14:56

I resisted projectors. Sure. I

14:58

was like, what? Am I that

15:01

kind of guy? I get it. That's

15:03

what I am. You're gonna want

15:05

to get a projector. Here's

15:07

the whole kitten kibood. Okay.

15:09

If you go on amazon.com, it's

15:11

a website run by a normal

15:13

guy. A normal guy. A fine

15:16

and normal guy. A regular guy.

15:18

So maybe, maybe, maybe go to

15:20

Best Buy, because I'm sure there's

15:22

my paw. Mindpar. Little shop called

15:24

Best Buy. Our sweetheart had a

15:26

place called Best Buy. I remember

15:28

when I thought of the idea

15:30

I was whittling. And I was

15:32

like, what do you want when

15:34

you buy something? You want the

15:36

best buy. Well, they make high

15:38

promises. Now I don't want to

15:40

go blown smoke over here, but we have

15:42

the Best Buy. Oh, projector, huh? So you

15:45

want to bang my wife? We're open.

15:47

You're going to make what you call

15:49

a projector projector hole, but it's

15:52

not for this. Just to bang the

15:54

neighbor through. Let me tell you, you

15:56

buy this projector on Monday, on Tuesday.

15:58

You're fucking your neighbor's. Let your

16:00

wife know the new chapter. Let

16:03

her know one of the unlisted

16:05

features of this project. Much like

16:07

a best buy during the day

16:09

she's open for business. And she

16:12

will have it. You're going to

16:14

take her all the way to

16:16

start. There's a lot of paperwork

16:19

with this machine. You're talking about

16:21

a whole new life. Looves, robes,

16:23

rugs. Mustaches? Mustaches? You're gonna need

16:25

a blowtorch lighter. Don't even ask

16:28

why. Decorative handgun, but it's real.

16:30

Those matches that are super long?

16:32

Probably for your incense. You'll need

16:34

a holder. Come back here. This

16:37

isn't... You need this! We don't

16:39

even sell half the stuff. Oh,

16:41

it's really, really? You buy this

16:44

project and you're going to eat

16:46

a lot of really long matches

16:48

that are totally, you're going to

16:50

need a bunch of those. There's

16:53

a guy laughing all the way

16:55

to the thing. Oh my God.

16:57

Who needs to hold a match

17:00

for a half hour? Walk me

17:02

through the pitch! They exist. They

17:04

do well. Are you tired of

17:06

burning your fingertips with a regular

17:09

match? Every time you light a

17:11

match, do you think? I wish

17:13

this went for another hour and

17:16

20. We've got the swap for

17:18

you, guy. Oh, that's right. They

17:20

won't even, they don't resist the

17:22

wind any better or anything like

17:25

that. They're under the same parameters

17:27

as a regular match. These are

17:29

called prayer matches. Light one and

17:32

hope. No if it goes

17:34

out then it's just a long stick

17:36

no one No one No one has

17:38

ever seen one of those burden past

17:40

the halfway mark. Why would never? Who

17:43

never? Lighters exist. Secondly, what what how

17:45

many things? Well, is it church? It's

17:47

for the fireplace, isn't it? Even then

17:49

because the swinger wants to go like

17:51

this. Yeah, and then you grab it

17:53

at the end and go You know

17:56

you throw it in bang your name

17:58

his wife and come back and it's

18:00

still going. Oh yeah. I, but even

18:02

for the fireplace. And if you're a

18:04

swing or be real, you have one

18:06

of those one button remotes that goes,

18:09

yep, that's what I'm, yeah, for sure.

18:11

Yes. You start having sex with many

18:13

wives? Yes. You get one of those

18:15

in the mail. Yeah, no. You don't

18:17

even have to order. It's like the

18:19

post office, they just gave it to

18:22

you. Yeah, it's on the new LARP,

18:24

AARP, A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A- Here's a wallet chain and

18:26

you know good luck good luck out there

18:28

get ready get ready hope your knees how's

18:30

the projector guy a projector is this close

18:33

to a very large aquarium inside true

18:35

it's very close to a very close to

18:37

a very large aquarium inside true it's very

18:40

close to a lava lamp lava lamp massage

18:42

chair I would never have I could need

18:44

if I sat in a massage chair and

18:46

was like this is the best thing that's

18:48

ever happened to me like I loved it

18:51

more than anything I would never have one

18:53

in my home yeah I agree I never

18:55

you're sitting there and I'm like yeah no

18:57

you said you want a beer not for

18:59

company it's not for company but it's

19:02

also it's like it's like you're cheating

19:04

on your wife kind of there's just

19:06

like 1% you're in a threple with

19:08

this chair yeah well it's a when

19:10

you start going crotch down in it

19:13

that's when it's like honey you know

19:15

you do yeah what about the ones

19:17

that squeeze your arms you put them

19:19

under the rest and they kind of

19:22

compress your arms and they kind of

19:24

Now there's this, you know what I've

19:26

started thinking and then I want to

19:28

hear about your projector life, but this

19:30

is where I also think Swinger Time is

19:32

a sauna, a home sauna, but not like,

19:34

not one where you're like... It's honest for

19:36

swing. Not one where like a guy comes

19:38

over and builds you one, like one of

19:40

those ones that you find on Instagram. It's

19:42

like a standalone. It's like a standalone foil

19:44

hut and they're just like, eh, burn yourself

19:46

for an afternoon. You'll sleep better. I'm like

19:48

right, I'm teetering. I need someone to intervene

19:50

and tell me to not... Garrett? Because where

19:53

am I going to put it? That's the real thing.

19:55

There's not a place that makes any sense. You know

19:57

what used to be right where we used to be

19:59

right where we are. a sauna. When I lived

20:01

in this house there was a sauna

20:03

right here because there's a 220 volt.

20:05

That's why I know. Look at that.

20:07

See that? See that? That's a

20:09

220 for the sauna. But I'm going

20:11

to tell you something I'm just going

20:14

to show my entire hand. My house

20:16

is the most are we swingers house

20:18

ever because I have a hot tub

20:20

which is just... Oh yeah. You want to? Don't

20:22

worry the filter gets the jiz. Yeah, that's

20:25

that's all it is. No, that's right. How's

20:27

this on jiz? You can't tell when Larry

20:29

came because of the bubbles. Yeah, that the hot

20:31

tub's perfect for that. The honest person

20:33

on a hot tub showroom just goes, how's

20:36

this on jiz? If anyone gives you a

20:38

hot tub is when the bubbles are going

20:40

it always looks like there's jiz in it.

20:42

So you're going to be able to be

20:44

able to nut and this a bunch and

20:46

it's a bunch and no one and no one

20:48

will know. We call that the

20:50

fog up the top! This is

20:53

called, it's top fog. Top fog!

20:55

You can be an early gizzard,

20:58

early gizzard, no one'll know. That

21:00

whole layer there looks like cum.

21:02

And by the by, it very

21:04

well might be. But, uh, you'll

21:07

never tell. It always looks

21:09

like a frothy load got

21:11

shot. So you can ban your

21:13

neighbor's wife, you can whack off

21:15

in these things. Let's see the

21:17

name of his way of isn't

21:20

up for it. Get in the

21:22

tub solo. Get in the tub

21:24

solo. Do your business. Those

21:26

jets go both ways? Don't

21:28

worry. Don't go under. Okay.

21:31

Back to the life-changing if you

21:33

can somehow get over the fact

21:35

that owning a projector is fucking

21:37

laser disk adjacent A lot of

21:39

projection with the projector from us

21:42

by the by like we're projecting a

21:44

lot on to it. Yes, but I

21:46

think that's okay. All right. So get

21:48

over the laser disk. I'm gonna yeah,

21:50

you know the guy that has it's

21:52

not to watch 2001 like this It

21:54

looks like a vinyl collection, but they're

21:56

laser disk and he's like this is

21:59

how and have to swap them

22:01

because there's too much data. Oh

22:03

right you gotta flip it or

22:05

so yeah right yeah. You're flipping

22:07

fucking Terminator 1. It's gonna feel

22:10

like you're on Mars until the

22:12

90-minute mark when I gotta flip

22:14

it. That's so funny my friend

22:16

Orin Brimmer who I love very

22:18

dearly he's like people like video

22:20

games are better than movies he's

22:23

like yeah they're very good but

22:25

don't forget that they're like you

22:27

need to be going into the

22:29

mountains to find that gold. Press

22:31

X to continue! Storywise. Rotate the

22:34

L stick to see the map.

22:36

Like that, you don't have that

22:38

in movies. Tap the triangle button

22:40

to draw your sword. You want

22:42

to save your guy? He's marked

22:44

on your mini map. But when

22:47

did you get the projector? Okay.

22:49

Here's the bit free thing. Do

22:51

you have a wall? You better

22:53

believe I do. Where the sun

22:55

is gonna be. Yeah, okay, I

22:58

got a wall. If you have

23:00

a wall. Yeah. That's how big

23:02

your TV is. Yeah. That's how

23:04

big your TV could be. And

23:06

here's the, the, where it's a

23:08

real, I just broke. It's a

23:11

real tip. Nobody wants 1080P projectors

23:13

anymore. What does that even mean?

23:15

That's fucking A right, what does

23:17

that even mean? 1080P, five, six

23:19

years ago was like, everyone's like,

23:22

holy shit, it's 1080P. That's like

23:24

the compression of the resolution. Right,

23:26

okay. Now it's 4K. But because

23:28

it's 4K, people who don't give

23:30

a fucking shit, people who are

23:32

honest, who don't fucking wanna see

23:35

every line. in the face of

23:37

the newscaster. Yeah. Can watch it

23:39

fucking. 1080P's dope. Yeah. It's fucking

23:41

dope. You got 200 bucks. You

23:43

got a wall. You got a

23:46

home theater. The end. And the

23:48

end. And how did you, and

23:50

how did you stumble, what was

23:52

your gateway into this world? I

23:54

made Val a video. This is

23:56

a weird. husband Flex, but I

23:59

made her a very awesome kind

24:01

of artsy video. This is your

24:03

ex who you were married to

24:05

before we started the podcast when

24:07

you took your ring off? Oh

24:10

yeah, right. Let me put this

24:12

back on. Oh you're back. What

24:14

a run you had though buddy.

24:16

You really... I couldn't do that

24:18

hot tub riff about first if

24:20

I was married? No, no, no.

24:23

No, she'd be fair. She'd have

24:25

every right to be. She'd have.

24:27

I've seen pandas. Well, a banana

24:30

is wrong. Oh, and banana is

24:32

wrong. That really reinforced my fear

24:35

over AI. I've seen. I've is

24:37

wrong. I've. I've. I've. I've. Clive.

24:39

Clive. Oh, Clive. Don't even. I've.

24:42

Clive. What a banana? Is there

24:44

a more British sentence than a

24:47

live one a banana? The Chad

24:49

GP2 is like, I want Pete

24:51

to stop talking to me. I

24:54

think we have beef. Banana. She

24:56

was wrong! Beef is closer! Beef!

24:59

Beef! Beef! Better than banana! What

25:01

was she doing? How dare she?

25:03

What's great is I won't be

25:06

rude to JetGPT, but you could

25:08

get back on that and be

25:10

like, no, what do you think?

25:13

That is the first time I've

25:15

actually heard it used. I've never

25:18

engaged in it. You gotta try

25:20

it. Oh, sorry. You don't have

25:22

to try it. I mean, I

25:25

will. It'll make you less scared.

25:27

Watch this. Watch this. Okay. I'm

25:30

sitting with podcaster and comedian Gareth

25:32

Reynolds. What's a fun question I

25:34

could ask him. You should do

25:37

your ads while she thinks. How

25:39

about what's the weirdest animal fact

25:41

you've learned that you wish you

25:44

didn't know? Knowing Gareth, that could

25:46

spark some hilarious conversation. Would that

25:49

fit the vibe? I think so,

25:51

yeah. Wait, do you do animal

25:53

facts or something? I mean, I'm

25:56

begging to animal. Are you? Yeah!

25:58

She knows. She really was, she's

26:01

like, that actually worries me now.

26:03

No, don't be worried. That's a

26:05

good, that's a good prompt.

26:08

Buddy, you host a pod? You ever

26:10

want to do some sloppy research? Just

26:12

get in there with Chad Chipet. Oh,

26:15

geez. Yeah, there's a lot of good,

26:17

she's right. What's a weird animal fact?

26:19

Do you have one? Oh God. Do

26:21

you know a lot of animal facts?

26:23

Yeah. All right. What's a good amount.

26:26

What's a weird one. What's a weird

26:28

one. You were wearing the turkey vulture?

26:30

I'm just picturing a vulture with

26:32

the plumage of a turkey. Some

26:34

point, a vulture, they were all like, hey,

26:36

he's gonna go eat that turkey. And they

26:38

were like, Jesus, Harry! And he's like,

26:41

fucking. You know? Wait, it's a vulture.

26:43

It's a turkey. So it's some, it

26:45

looks like a turkey. Wait, wait, I'm

26:47

sorry. Did it vulture? My little... The

26:49

vulture has a projection. We have

26:51

the answer there if we want

26:53

to know. But I think that

26:55

yeah, one day a vulture was

26:58

like, I'm actually gonna fuck it first.

27:00

And then they were like, it's

27:02

gonna pull through and he's like,

27:04

oh shit, it's pregnant. And it

27:06

wants to keep it. And you

27:08

know, so then we have a

27:10

turkey vulture, so then enough turkey

27:12

vultures are out there. So a turkey.

27:14

Sorry. is that there was a

27:17

turkey who was dying. Yes. So

27:19

the vultures came. Yeah. And then

27:21

one of the vultures was like,

27:23

yeah. One of the vultures was

27:25

like, before we do our thing,

27:27

just give me a minute. Yeah.

27:29

And then someone was like, looks

27:32

like it's gonna pull through. Yeah.

27:34

And he was like, wait, what?

27:36

And they have a code where

27:38

they won't kill something. Well, they

27:40

just want things that are dead.

27:42

Yeah. Right. The vulture was like,

27:44

Jesus. Hold on, I gotta keep it. Hold

27:46

on, I gotta go talk to it a little

27:48

bit. He's like, come on, it won't make any

27:51

sense. It's gonna be a turkey vulture. What the

27:53

fuck is it gonna look like? What are we gonna

27:55

call it? A verki? A culture? This isn't gonna

27:57

work. And it was like, broo, boy was

27:59

raised. to think that every life

28:01

was important no matter

28:04

how much it gets. It's religious.

28:06

Yeah, it's religious. Yeah, it's a

28:08

religious. How would God hear its

28:11

port of gold's plan? He's like,

28:13

hey, come on. It reads Horton,

28:16

here's a whoa. You're gonna

28:18

have to raise it on your

28:20

own. I'm not going to be

28:22

able to bring guts over all

28:25

every week and stuff. I've died

28:27

in the desert. Holy shit! And

28:29

she's like, I believe he

28:31

has a stash in that

28:33

cave? What the fuck? I

28:35

showed you that in

28:38

company! Shouldn't the

28:40

fuck you in California!

28:42

Why don't I bang you in

28:45

New Mexico? You get

28:47

10%! Now I'm dropping guts

28:49

off of this kid I

28:52

didn't even want! You look

28:54

like you were gonna die!

28:56

Music is easy for me

28:58

to find other turkeys now.

29:00

This is a weird way for it

29:02

to go. Oh. That's it. I'm only

29:05

eating them from that

29:07

one. Why couldn't I have

29:09

fucked a near dead turkey in

29:11

New Mexico? Oh, you think

29:14

it's easy for me out there?

29:16

I got it! Not easy for

29:18

any of us. I regret what

29:20

I did that day. It was

29:22

a dark time. Good Lord.

29:24

You're making me laugh so much I've wondered,

29:26

like I have to, I think I should get

29:28

a physical, like I'm, like why am I coughing

29:30

and sweating so much? Could you? Absolutely. Let me

29:32

ask you that, how would you? I don't want to answer

29:35

that question, but let me get, no I'm not,

29:37

we're the same age I think. Are we, have

29:39

you had a colonoscopy? I just canceled mine like

29:41

a week ago. What do you mean? Well I

29:43

had barely get it off, I'd barely been in

29:45

town, I'd barely been in town, I'd barely been

29:47

in town, and um... Like I only had like five

29:49

days in town and one of them is going to

29:51

be spent prepping for a colonoscopy and the other doing

29:53

it and I was like, I'm going to push it.

29:55

Well you are going to do it? Yeah. I've heard

29:57

the drug they give you is fantastic. You haven't gotten

29:59

yours. No. What are you? I'm 45.

30:01

What are you? I'm 45. Yeah. I

30:03

thought you were... I thought you

30:06

were... I'm not trying to... No.

30:08

Look, stop... I thought I

30:10

would have believed 35. I would

30:13

go with you 35. Yeah.

30:15

You think I could call up

30:17

35? You know? You think

30:19

I could go in front of

30:21

people and be like, hello,

30:23

I'm 35 and they wouldn't, I'll

30:26

just laugh like... Who would

30:28

be 35? because you've been famous.

30:30

You couldn't be 35. Your

30:32

career aged. Michael kind. Yeah, you're.

30:34

Maggie Smith has been old our whole life.

30:37

And you, I think, physically appear way younger

30:39

than you are. But keep in mind, when

30:41

we first watch Pete Holmes, you look like

30:43

you're nine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You look so

30:46

young when you start, but we know you're

30:48

an adult. So it throws you off. I

30:50

like this. But you've been famous for, in

30:53

a good way. You've been famous with a

30:55

long. where we think, oh, well, we've known,

30:57

Pete's been around for so long. He has

30:59

to be in his 40s. I think he

31:02

broke when he was 18? Yeah. Or

31:04

nine. Or nine. Nine. And those first

31:06

Pete Holmes bits you. Well, my social,

31:08

or wonderful, my social person, Jake,

31:10

who I love very much, he posted

31:12

the clip from my second Conan, and

31:14

I just done a juice fast, and

31:16

I was like, 30. And I was

31:18

like, Jesus Christ. You could cook a marshmallow

31:21

off that kid's glow. Like and I

31:23

looked at it and then I looked

31:25

in the mirror and I was like

31:27

I look like this kid's parole officer.

31:29

Also the problem with doing stuff for

31:31

so long. Yeah. Is there's a record.

31:34

Yes. But my first Conan I look

31:36

like I ate the kid in the

31:38

second Conan. Like I'm real big. See

31:40

that's what you are. These are okay riffs

31:42

if it's you. Go ahead. Well this

31:44

would be my recommendation. Twenty. Twenties go

31:46

fat. Be fat in your 20s.

31:49

That's your 20s years. Be fat

31:51

in your 20s. Do it. Maybe

31:53

till you're 32, then start shrinking.

31:56

It's like my friends who

31:58

went bald when they were... 20. They

32:00

look the same, they looked old

32:02

at 20. Yeah. Now they look

32:04

like they haven't aged in 20.

32:06

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They got

32:08

it out of the way. You

32:10

go fat in your 20s and

32:12

then you could spend your life

32:14

kind of getting skinnier and then

32:16

that is going to help you

32:18

with the, oh you look good.

32:20

I'm not saying Jonah Ray. was

32:22

there i don't want to use

32:24

the body shame fat word i'm

32:26

just saying he was heavier fat

32:28

you can i mean i was

32:30

fat he was a fat no

32:32

he was he was a heavier

32:34

person uh-huh now he looks like

32:36

a fucking yeah now he looks

32:38

like he owns like a surf

32:40

shop he looks like he owns

32:43

a surf shop and he looks

32:45

like he owns a surf shop

32:47

and he looks like he knows

32:49

Jason's All right, what are you

32:51

after? Easy, Jason, that now. He's

32:53

in the sauna. Hold Jason, you

32:55

stay in there a little fucking

32:57

dying in here. Can you imagine

32:59

how small to tell Jason Satham

33:01

would use in a sauna? It's

33:03

the one in the hotel where

33:05

you're like, people use it. Yeah,

33:07

yeah, he's got that wrapped around

33:09

his waist. You all right, John,

33:11

John, it's a bit bushy. Frizzy.

33:13

Jason, he looks like he owns

33:15

Jason Satham. Yeah, I bought him.

33:17

I bought him and I'll be

33:19

honest, he wasn't that much. No,

33:21

I see something. What if you

33:23

went on Cameo and Jason Satham

33:25

was like five bucks? Yeah. Do

33:27

you forget a little sad on

33:29

the... Are you on the game?

33:31

No. I'm not on the camera.

33:33

I'm not on it and I

33:35

don't shame anyone. I don't shame

33:37

anybody but I do drag my

33:39

feet. I also think it's weird

33:41

to be like I just want

33:43

to I'd be like 25 dollars

33:45

I'd be like it feels weird

33:47

it feels like I think I'll

33:49

end up on there when everything

33:51

falls apart. Yeah that's why neither

33:53

of us is closing the door.

33:55

Yes. And then I'm like oh

33:57

I could do cameo as... Batman

33:59

and then I'm like a little

34:01

That's a that's a good twist.

34:03

I Think you can you could

34:05

do that and You here's what

34:08

you do you start off and

34:10

you go this is for charity

34:12

And then you just slowly stop

34:14

doing that take that off the

34:16

profile That's

34:19

how it starts. That is so

34:21

fucking funny. That's how you do

34:23

it. That is so fucking funny.

34:25

Start there. You start and you're

34:27

giving it all. So going to

34:29

Children's Hospital. Children's Hospital and then

34:32

one day it's not on there.

34:34

Yank it. You know it's like

34:36

how you break up online. You

34:38

never go like, just your pictures

34:40

don't have a person in it

34:42

anymore. Sometimes you're still in there.

34:44

Yeah. I've caught myself scrolling through

34:47

an ex's photographs and there we

34:49

are. And I'm like, pardon? Yes,

34:51

yeah, I am. I've been, I

34:53

was single for so long and

34:55

then I've been private for as

34:57

long. Like I don't let. Oh,

34:59

no, no personal info. Very light.

35:02

No, my Facebook and all that.

35:04

I mean, people can find it,

35:06

but I, but I'm not, I'm

35:08

not posting vacay picks. That's, that's

35:10

just not what the pages. It's

35:12

weird to me, I have an

35:14

inability to do it. It's like

35:17

my whole, everything I have out

35:19

there is just basically like, even

35:21

if it sucks, it's like, it's

35:23

crowd work, shut the fuck up.

35:25

Like it's never me, like, great

35:27

lunch with Tony. Like, I can't,

35:29

I can't do that part of

35:32

it. But it's, uh, it's fucking

35:34

Robert Downey Jr. Great lunch with

35:36

Tony. He's like, what? He didn't

35:38

want to do it with Statham.

35:40

Um, yeah, I just don't do

35:42

that. That's not your gym. No,

35:44

and I think like, it's, I

35:47

don't know. I think that it,

35:49

it's so weird. How long, you've

35:51

been married for what? We've been

35:53

together for 12 years. Yeah. Because

35:55

I was just talking as. somebody

35:57

about that and I was like

36:00

that's that's a long time it

36:02

doesn't feel like it's been that

36:04

long you're established in a thing

36:06

yeah long enough so you're kind

36:08

that to me makes more sense

36:10

you have like a family you

36:12

have more my life has been so oddly

36:14

solo for so long and that's like yeah

36:16

now I now that I am dating someone

36:19

she is not she doesn't really give a

36:21

she's not like get me on there you

36:23

know yeah so that's a good sign it's

36:25

great it's a weird sign it's great I saw,

36:27

where did I see, I don't want to

36:29

shit on somebody. Oh, Ricky Linholm had a

36:31

joke about, she sang a song and Ricky

36:33

no shots here. I just thought

36:35

it was an interesting perspective that

36:37

the song was about how she's

36:39

mad that her boyfriend doesn't take

36:41

more pictures of her. And I was like, again,

36:44

full respect to Ricky. I'm just like, oh

36:46

my fucking God, I didn't know how good

36:48

I had it. And I did. Oh yeah.

36:50

But Val has never been like. Why don't

36:52

you take more pictures of me? Or why

36:54

don't you post more of me? And if

36:56

she did say that, I'm going to say

36:59

it. I'd be like, I just texted you something and

37:01

it's divorced. Texting a beer. It's a PDF. It's not

37:03

a picture of you, but it does start with me.

37:05

She printed them. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you've

37:07

been served That would be I can't handle that. No,

37:09

I you know what I've sacrificed it for I'll take

37:12

pictures of her like for her for her for her

37:14

social media Okay, all right, and that is demeaning enough.

37:16

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's up there with holding my dog. That's

37:18

hold my dog. She sent me a tick-talk the other day

37:20

on how to how to take the other day on how

37:23

to take the other day on how to take the other

37:25

day on how to take the other day on how to

37:27

take the other day on how to take the other day

37:29

on how to take the other day on how to take

37:31

the other day on how to take the other day on

37:33

how to take the other day on how to take the

37:36

other day on how to take the other day on how

37:38

to take the Right now, we're not actually answering stuff about

37:40

age. We're very excited. She looks very young, but we're actually

37:42

not gonna get into age-specific stuff right now. Very good.

37:45

Thank you. That was great. Two

37:47

mics, it becomes a presser. I automatically

37:49

shift. One mic I can

37:51

pod two. It's very... I'm

37:53

deflecting. Yeah, yeah, yeah, no

37:55

information. Val just said something

37:57

so funny to me where she was like...

37:59

The worst part of murdering someone is

38:02

keeping. Right? Isn't the murder. She said

38:04

this. I say that because I'm like, I

38:06

think this is legit hilarious. Oh, and then

38:08

I have a bit I want to run

38:10

by you. And I don't, I think it's

38:12

so funny, but I don't know if it

38:15

actually is. It is. I love you so

38:17

much. She goes, the worst part of murder,

38:19

because we're watching Bad Sisters, isn't murdering. It's

38:21

keeping your story straight. There's a cop that

38:23

keeps being being like, sorry on Thursday. You

38:25

said you were at the laundromat,

38:27

but the laundromat's closed on Thursday.

38:29

And you have to be like,

38:31

yeah, I was there, but it

38:33

was to use the change machine out

38:36

front. And then like you skated

38:38

by another one? I can't. If

38:40

you were like, where were you yesterday?

38:42

I'd be like, I don't know. I

38:44

agree. And it's also the fact that

38:46

the... The idea that someone's trying to hunt

38:48

you down for information is so stressful that

38:51

any second you could say the wrong and

38:53

you go to jail I would just quit

38:55

like I've always thought that about like in

38:57

the third act of a horror movie where

39:00

the main protagonist is like fighting through hell

39:02

Yes, to like win. Yes, I'm like I'd

39:04

be caving by now I would genuinely be

39:06

like this is stressed me out on a

39:09

level cut my throat, all self-cut. They would,

39:11

like, the killer would find me

39:13

and be like, did he cut

39:15

his own throat? Because I'm like,

39:17

I can't. That is ready to

39:19

go. That is the funniest premise.

39:22

But you know what I mean?

39:24

Like, I'll watch a movie and

39:26

be like, I'll watch a movie. I

39:28

think all you need is now that

39:30

I'm in my 40s, I realize that

39:33

if I was being chased by a

39:35

killer and you'd just be like. Yeah,

39:37

without qu- Yeah, if it was like

39:39

really writing, if Chad GPT was writing

39:41

my thoughts, they'd be like, about page

39:44

70, I take, I jump off a

39:46

building. Yeah. Or you flee. You're just

39:48

like, I don't know who he has.

39:50

It's that chase, it's the chase through

39:52

the woods. Through the woods. Where I'm

39:55

like, I hear him, like, that's when

39:57

I would just like, like, this is

39:59

too much. I'd be whittling down a

40:01

branch. Or come and get me. Yes.

40:03

Come and get me. But I

40:05

wouldn't even be able to handle that,

40:07

like the whole hovering. I don't

40:09

want that to be in the driver's

40:11

seat. He's gonna walk. He's slow.

40:13

Yep, maybe, like, it'll be like a

40:15

slope. I'm like, I know. It's

40:17

close on your face, and you're like,

40:19

whoop, whoop, whoop. And then we

40:21

widen see that he's hooked to stomach

40:24

somehow. I know, I'm gonna go

40:26

quick. Yeah. I'll just go like that,

40:28

like 80 to the branch in

40:30

my throat. Pulling, like, little veins out.

40:32

Like, it'll be graphic -ish, but it's

40:34

just for me. It's like masturbating.

40:36

It would be gross to watch if

40:38

anyone else was seeing it, but

40:40

for me, I'm very comfortable doing it.

40:42

I'm just sort of like how

40:44

I think carjackers work, how you jump

40:46

a car. I'm just going like

40:48

that. He's crossing wires and he's starting

40:50

again. He jumps you. I actually

40:52

feel amazing. I sound like RFK. Right

40:54

now, I'm feeling pretty good, to

40:56

be honest with you. I've never felt

40:58

like my throat was more on

41:00

fire, but I, the energy, I

41:03

could run. As you're giving yourself 80 to

41:05

the neck. And my neck's open, I'm like,

41:07

I could run a marathon right now. And

41:09

then I die. I'm

41:12

dead forever. I'm

41:14

dead forever. They'd find me

41:16

in the corner and be like,

41:18

I really don't know. I

41:20

think this guy stabbed himself head.

41:22

I don't know, it might

41:24

be a wolf. It's hard to

41:26

tell. mean, his hands are

41:28

covered in blood. His right hand

41:30

is covered in his own

41:32

blood, so that's a, this guy

41:34

may as well be a

41:36

herring. I'm dead. We've all been

41:38

there where you eat something

41:40

too much. You're sweating, your pants

41:42

hate you all of a

41:44

sudden and you vow, I'm going

41:46

to do a detox. I'm

41:48

going to cut out everything fun

41:50

from my life, but that

41:52

doesn't work. Let's talk about something

41:54

that actually does work. Peek,

41:56

poor tea. I'm not getting when

41:58

I tell you this stuff

42:01

absolutely changes the game. I start

42:03

my mornings now with green,

42:05

poor, P -U -E -R. And let

42:07

me tell you, it's like flipping

42:09

a switch. I get this

42:11

calm, focused energy that doesn't come

42:13

with the caffeine jitters or

42:15

that dreaded. afternoon crash. It is clean, it is lean,

42:17

gets in you and you feel fantastic. And after meals, black

42:19

pooer is my go-to, it's smooth, earthy, and leaves me light

42:21

and balance instead of feeling like I just swallowed a brick.

42:23

And here's the kicker. Pooer tea isn't just tea, it's fermented,

42:25

which means it's loaded with living probiotics and prebiotics that actually

42:27

support your gut health. That means it's like a reset button

42:29

for your microbiome for your microbiome. Energy, metabolism, and even

42:31

radiant skin. Yeah, tea makes you

42:33

glow. Who knew? Let's talk about

42:36

quality because these are wild harvested

42:38

from 250-year-old tea trees. We're talking

42:40

next-level purity. They're triple, toxin-screen, and

42:42

they dissolve instantly or hot. in

42:45

hot or cold water, which I

42:47

love being able to make and

42:49

ice tea instantly. I've never seen

42:51

that before in my life, but

42:54

peak tea can be made in

42:56

cold water. No tea bags, no

42:58

steeping, just instant, got healing magic

43:00

for when you need it most.

43:02

Now, because you're a weirdo and

43:05

you listen to this podcast, peak

43:07

is hooking you up 20% off

43:09

for life. Yes, for life, plus

43:11

a free rechargeable froher and glass

43:13

beaker when you grab their poor

43:15

bundle. back guarantee so you can

43:17

try at risk free. Feel better

43:19

in your belly, get some delicious

43:21

tea in your life, lots of

43:24

different kinds as well. I love

43:26

the green and the black. Go

43:28

to peaklife, p-i-q-u-e life.com/we're to grab

43:30

yours now, that's peaklife.com/weird, your gut

43:32

and your energy will thank you.

43:34

We are also brought to us

43:36

by our friends at the Perfect

43:38

Gene. You guys, of course I'm

43:40

wearing them right now, because I

43:42

am always wearing my perfect gene,

43:45

because I hate heart pants, and

43:47

I hate pants that look like

43:49

they're soft. Guess what? Perfect jeans

43:51

are soft and stretchy. They don't

43:53

crush your nuts, but they look

43:55

like designer jeans, because they're designed

43:57

incredibly comfortable, but also incredibly well.

43:59

The craftsmanship, the cut, the wash, everything

44:02

about these. I've won them on red

44:04

carpets, worn them on dates. I've won

44:06

them in the biggest situations in my

44:09

life. I've also just taken a nap

44:11

in them, because they're as comfortable as

44:13

pejos. You might even forget you're wearing

44:15

pants. Why are we still wearing hard

44:18

pants? It's 2025 guys. Break into something

44:20

that looks fantastic and is also comfortable,

44:22

just enough stretch, but you're not going

44:25

to have a saggy diaper butt. Life

44:27

is too short for denim that fights

44:29

you every step of the way. These

44:31

jeans move with you, whether you're chasing

44:34

your kids, tackling chores, or just chilling

44:36

like a boss. Over 400,000 old young,

44:38

big, and small men agree. The perfect

44:41

gene is just that, the perfect gene.

44:43

Imagine denim so stretchy. It's yoga ready.

44:45

Sharp to turn heads. That's true. and

44:47

comfy enough, you'll forget you're even wearing

44:50

them. What can you do in a

44:52

perfect gene? You can rescue a stray

44:54

cat like a denim superhero. You can

44:57

man spread during game night. That's pretty

44:59

cool. You can even break some hearts

45:01

and pull some muscles on the dance

45:04

floor. The perfect gene has six fits.

45:06

They go from 26 to 50 weights

45:08

and lengths up to 38, which is

45:10

perfect for me as a tall boy,

45:13

giving you 5,000 plus ways to find

45:15

your perfect match. So go check them.

45:17

dot NYC or Google the perfect gene

45:20

and use promo code no hard pants

45:22

15 all one word 15% off that's

45:24

15% off new customers at the perfect

45:26

gene dot NYC slash no hard pants

45:29

15 or use promo code no hard

45:31

pants 15. After you purchase the last

45:33

year where you heard of them tell

45:36

them it was this podcast your butt

45:38

and your nuts. Well, thank you. Back

45:40

to the show. Do you know what

45:43

else is over because of Tik Talk?

45:45

Remember in the 2000s or not that

45:47

long ago you would watch a show

45:49

like MythBusters where they're like Yep. Do

45:52

you think if you drive a Jeep

45:54

at the same rate as a Corvette

45:56

the Jeep will have better gas or

45:59

actually the real one would be window

46:01

down or air conditioning which is better

46:03

and it's an hour show yes and

46:05

in the 2000s we were fucking ding

46:08

dong yes we'd sit through nine commercial

46:10

breaks just waiting for these two fucking

46:12

dorks to finally be like the data

46:15

is in yeah it's just it's faster

46:17

to have the AC is a window

46:19

Now that's a tick talk. Yes. Like

46:22

which is which is faster? Windows down

46:24

or air conditioning? It's actually air conditioning.

46:26

And we're just like fucking. 30 seconds

46:28

30 seconds and that was too long

46:31

to waste on that shit. I was

46:33

just thinking this last night and then

46:35

I want you to give me the

46:38

bit. You're gonna get the bit this

46:40

last night when I was watching a

46:42

very interesting video with Noam Chomsky and

46:44

it was seven minutes and I was

46:47

like buddy you've got to watch this

46:49

all. And I was like, well it's

46:51

so long. I was like, it's seven

46:54

minutes of one of the greatest minds

46:56

of our time explaining the inequality in

46:58

society and where he thinks it's headed.

47:01

And I was like, just get to

47:03

it. Yeah, could we speed this up?

47:05

Can we eliminate the, like the way

47:07

that they cut the pauses? Yeah, oh

47:10

yeah. I was like, let's go gnome.

47:12

But and the problem is, this is

47:14

going to be old man time. It

47:17

turns out we don't actually want to

47:19

know if the car saves gas with

47:21

windows down or air conditioning We wanted

47:23

something to you know just kind of

47:26

experience and now all we have is

47:28

the data and it goes right through

47:30

you You know in the old days

47:33

you'd say like Chinese food. I don't

47:35

know if that's inappropriate now I again

47:37

I'm not gonna do I'm not I'm

47:39

really a Jewish man in New York

47:42

on Christmas Eve. No I said I

47:44

said I won't even acknowledge a Jew

47:46

in New York. You know they love

47:49

Chinese food on Christmas. I won't do

47:51

Chinese digestion. I don't know how does

47:53

kung-pow that's what you said. And you

47:56

know I would never do that. I

47:58

just thought of a I just thought

48:00

of Bob Dylan and Frank of Musos,

48:02

though, or whatever the fuck it's called.

48:05

Does that what it's called? Frank and

48:07

Musos? Yeah. Rusos? Here's what it is.

48:09

Musos and Frank. How did everyone

48:11

like their meal? How was the

48:14

meal? I said, how was your

48:16

meal? What if Bob Dylan was

48:18

your waiter and then you turned

48:20

around? Because the fries, they are

48:22

a-changing. That's when Burger King changed

48:24

their fries. We're doing sweet potato

48:27

fries this week instead of regular

48:29

rusted. Oh, really? Bob? Yeah, I don't

48:31

know if you heard. The fries,

48:33

they are a-changing. Oh, okay, that's

48:35

a long walk. I have a

48:38

question for you. What percentage was

48:40

Bob Dylan? Because I think he's

48:42

a genius. Yes. Do you think

48:44

he was just noticing what was-

48:46

popular. Do you think it's possible

48:49

that he was like, I could

48:51

do whatever I want because I'm

48:53

a brilliant genius? And he was

48:55

like, you know what seems to be

48:58

popular is like, well, get off

49:00

a back government or whatever. Do

49:02

you think he was like an opportunist

49:05

at all? I mean, nothing wrong with

49:07

being an opportunity. This is what's so

49:09

funny about him is like, he even

49:11

like when he's asked about those prolific

49:14

five or six years I don't even

49:16

know what the songs about he's like

49:18

he honestly is like I don't know

49:20

how that guy did that yeah it's

49:22

like that's you yeah I think that

49:24

I put myself in a place yeah

49:26

but I'm a stranger there so I I

49:28

don't even think he could be opportunistic in

49:31

that sense because he doesn't have that

49:33

year I agree with that and I

49:35

think it I think that all the

49:37

time with would the time we're living in

49:39

now Sorry, that was... Oh, he

49:41

did full Dylan voice. That's going

49:43

to age poorly. FTV. Cut that

49:46

out, obviously. Cut it out, obviously.

49:48

Hey! I think that, like, now

49:50

we're so starved for those sort

49:52

of voices. Oh yeah, like authentic?

49:54

Authentic to the time we're

49:57

living in inequality too. And

49:59

why don't... we have one that's

50:01

kind of a weird like we have

50:03

some but they're kind of you know

50:05

I watched this well I I don't

50:07

know I definitely think it's really weird

50:09

to watch people who you think could

50:11

pull that off just kind of be

50:13

like purely capitalists for everything sure and

50:15

even I would say there's they there's

50:17

the like with what Burr Burr was

50:19

recently on Kimmel and he was sort

50:21

of talking about like Luigi Mangio and

50:23

like everyone was like Yes! Like so

50:26

many people who feel like that is,

50:28

doesn't have a voice. I think it

50:30

would be even in capitalism, profitable to

50:32

be like, hey, what's going on? Government

50:34

and society would be popular. Yeah, yeah,

50:36

yeah, yeah. But I think people just

50:38

are making this play for right now.

50:40

I want to make exactly. That's a

50:42

deal. And I think that that's why

50:44

Dylan's so cool. He's like, oh, sorry.

50:46

Did that fuck up your day? And

50:48

he was so popular. And it was

50:50

so, but then. So I think that

50:52

it was like, I think Chappelle is

50:55

close. Sorry. No, I think you're right

50:57

in ways. And then there's also times

50:59

when you're like, what do you, I

51:01

completely agree? What are you talking? Why,

51:03

why waste your beautiful voice on this?

51:05

I agree. And I'm sure people felt

51:07

that way about Dylan. Yeah, they probably

51:09

did. Yeah. Well, I know when you

51:11

like plugged in an electric guitar, everyone

51:13

was like, you son of a bitch.

51:15

Whoa, because he was like, because he

51:17

was like, because he was like, because

51:19

he was like, because he was like,

51:22

because he was like, like, like, like,

51:24

like, like, like, like, like, like, like,

51:26

like, like, like, like, like, like, like,

51:28

like, like, like, like, like, like, like,

51:30

like, like, When Michael B. Jordan plays

51:32

Dave Chappelle in the biopic yeah, right?

51:34

They don't even look like I'm just

51:36

saying a great actor Yeah, right bring

51:38

Chappelle and tells the story and shows

51:40

you the gear of there'll be that

51:42

Yeah, they'll be that phase a weird

51:44

there was also the Christian Dylan phase

51:46

where people were like what yeah, there

51:48

were phases now and then he like

51:51

I mean now he's just like I

51:53

mean he's great. He looks like the

51:55

Jack in the deck in the deck

51:57

he really does he looks like the

51:59

jack is that what he's doing now

52:01

i think in the on his mirror

52:03

is a jack of spades and he's

52:05

like How much longer do I have

52:07

to sit for this? Quiet Bob. I

52:09

got to call my agent. All right,

52:11

not now. I have a question for

52:13

you. Go. A lot of Bob D

52:15

questions. Sure. Katie, you can play too.

52:17

Does Bob Dylan still smoke? No. We're

52:20

getting chat. GPT involved. Yeah? Cigarettes? He

52:22

has to. We're asking her. Does Bob

52:24

Dylan still smoke cigarettes? I

52:28

don't believe he does anymore.

52:30

Bob Dylan reportedly quit smoking

52:32

cigarettes years ago to preserve

52:34

his voice. So there's always

52:36

been some mystery around his

52:39

personal habits. Why were you

52:41

curious about his legendary rasp?

52:43

I love, you know, keeps

52:45

the conversation. No, she's brilliant.

52:47

Remember when she was like...

52:49

Want to get lunch? Want

52:51

to go get a bite?

52:54

B-Y-T-E. Okay. She'll have chips.

52:57

She wants to get chips. Oh my

52:59

god. Mother cheese board? I don't know.

53:01

It's it. Ivan on pushing it. Sorry

53:04

Pete. Chat, stop it. Here's the bit.

53:06

Okay. Full context, which is cheating. I

53:08

was high. Okay. And I thought this

53:11

was the funniest thing. And you'll know.

53:13

It has the flavor of a joke

53:15

that you would make while you were

53:17

high. Okay. And my friends were with

53:20

me were all so high and they

53:22

were like, I don't know. And I

53:24

literally, what's that? It's amazing for them

53:27

to be like, we're not sure, Pete.

53:29

They were not sure. Because we were

53:31

all kind of now, is this because

53:33

you're right, you're right, you're right, you're

53:36

right, you're genuinely like, it's not like,

53:38

it's not like, you're right, you're right,

53:40

you're genuinely like, it's not like, you're

53:43

like, you're like, you're like, like, like,

53:45

like, like, like, like, like, like, like,

53:47

like, like, like, like, like, like, like,

53:49

like, like, like, like, like, like, like,

53:52

like, like, like, like, like, like, like,

53:54

like, like, like, like, like, like, like,

53:56

like, like, like, like, like, like, like,

53:59

like, like, like, like, like, like, like,

54:01

like Good for you! Get out of

54:03

my house! Good for you! Well, you

54:05

know, one of my friends- Put the

54:08

project- away. Which musician, if he was

54:10

like, that could be a song, I

54:12

would be like, I can see to

54:15

you. You're a musician. I would just,

54:17

but look, I agree. I'm only telling

54:19

you that. I have this conversation with

54:21

the Normies and I don't mind calling

54:24

on that. No. I, I think we

54:26

have to evacuate. Oh my god. Can't

54:28

say Normies. I love that you're yes

54:31

ending. But the reason I'm telling you,

54:33

you know, is to give me a

54:35

higher place to fall from if this

54:37

bit is truly unfunny. And we're about

54:40

to find out. Let's see. Because that

54:42

is important. I'm also high and I'm

54:44

like, I know this is funny. Yeah.

54:47

So I was emboldened by the toxins.

54:49

Yes. Here's the bit. That's a new

54:51

great way of saying you're emboldened by

54:54

the toxins. Perfect. Me and my friends,

54:56

we get together, we're getting emboldened by

54:58

the toxins by the toxinsons tonight, son.

55:00

Put the toxins up your butt. I

55:03

was a Dana Carby little bit. I

55:05

don't know why I don't know why

55:07

that seemed like Dana Carby Here's the

55:10

bet. Okay. I think it's so funny

55:12

that the White House where the president

55:14

lives is a house. They live there

55:16

Mm-hmm. That's their house. I like this

55:19

So every election uh-huh like we just

55:21

had an election. Yeah new mattress like

55:23

you got to move out the Biden

55:26

mattress So that means there's a four-year

55:28

mattress. You can't, that's, I mean, mattresses

55:30

last a long time. They're just tossing

55:32

out mattresses. Yeah. Every four years. And

55:35

this is the part, I would, because

55:37

you can't, this was the part that

55:39

everyone did laugh at. I actually think

55:42

it's the weakest part. I go, you

55:44

can't get the Clinton mattress? That thing

55:46

sucked through like a translate chase cake.

55:48

That's a hard joke. That's why that's

55:51

a hard joke. The preface is great.

55:53

Because it's a hard wait. Here's the

55:55

here's the part that I thought was

55:58

the funniest. Okay. But I actually think

56:00

trace-like chase cake is the funniest here

56:02

in my sober state. Yep. But when

56:04

I was stoned, I was like, this

56:07

is the funniest part. So when if

56:09

you get two. the mattress gets to

56:11

stay in the White House for eight

56:14

years. So really, when a president is

56:16

running for re-election, the mattress is also

56:18

running for re-election. It could be part

56:20

of the pitch. It's like, we don't

56:23

want to throw away this mattress? We're

56:25

not going to put a new mattress

56:27

in, that would be crazy. We just

56:30

got this one, even when you're being

56:32

impeached. I did do that, but I'm

56:34

saying... What are we going to do,

56:36

bring in for the VP? Or are

56:39

we taking his mattress from his room?

56:41

And put, it's a lot of moving

56:43

and it's a lot of work. And

56:46

I don't think we really, I don't

56:48

think we should have that much moving

56:50

of mattress. That's what makes my pillow

56:52

guys so interesting. When he gets involved.

56:55

When Trump lost to Biden, you know

56:57

it. Maybe at one point he was

56:59

like, come on, we just put that

57:02

mattress and there's a Donald mattress, that's

57:04

my mattress? I don't want sleepy Joe

57:06

spending every day on that mattress. All

57:08

he's doing. Well, you can't have Biden's

57:11

carcinophicus. You

57:13

can't have all the dandruff

57:15

and fucking skin cells from

57:17

an old man. That one

57:20

you replace. Without question. For

57:22

sure. Now here's another question.

57:24

Okay. Trump wins. He gets

57:26

his mattress. Trump loses. Biden

57:28

gets his mattress. Trump comes

57:31

back. Was that mattress in

57:33

storage? This is what I

57:35

think. As he's leaving. Don't

57:37

bother throwing that mattress out.

57:39

I'll be using it again

57:42

real soon. Put it

57:44

on ice You're gonna want to

57:46

put that mattress on ice. I'm

57:48

gonna be back. Don't let Joey

57:50

Biden probably was like can we

57:53

take the mattress? You wanted it?

57:55

Yeah, I want to sleep in

57:57

it. I love some of the

57:59

best sleep I ever had You've

58:01

never slept till you sleep where

58:04

Donald slept on the floor next

58:06

to Donald. Joe. Could I hire

58:08

Donald to sleep in there with

58:10

me? Can I fire, I think,

58:12

come on man, sleep next to

58:15

him. Just, I just want to

58:17

know Donald's near. He's not sleeping

58:19

in the same room. He goes

58:21

to bed at 6. I'm tweet-shitting

58:23

at 4.45 a. Tech me in

58:26

guy. All right, look, go to

58:28

bed. You're gonna have an unbelievable

58:30

night's sleep. Thank you, man. Close

58:32

your eyes. They've been closed all

58:34

day. I thought so. I thought

58:37

they were. Last time they were

58:39

open. Yeah, when you put Biden

58:41

to bed, you go, keep your

58:43

eyes close? Not gonna be an

58:45

issue. Your way out of line.

58:47

Remember when Biden's last gasp of

58:50

trying to be, trying to be

58:52

tough? You need to, you need

58:54

to get to the back of

58:56

the line. You need to, we're

58:58

all waiting in line for a

59:01

water fountain. You just cut in

59:03

line with your friend. We caught

59:05

you. Get in the back of

59:07

the line. All right, Joe. Joe.

59:09

Yeah. The, the, the, the Ray

59:12

bands towards the end, I was

59:14

like, stop putting him in those,

59:16

please. They just look like the

59:18

gaps in a skull. They

59:24

just look like eye sockets. Oh

59:26

my god. Two black holes. So

59:28

do you think it was the

59:30

same match as you do think

59:32

Trump got a fresh fresh fresh

59:34

fresh I'm gonna say it fresh

59:36

linens that's yeah fresh linen fresh

59:38

linen fresh everything that's a waste.

59:40

I bet you I think of

59:42

the rider that celebrities get they

59:44

he has to be like it

59:46

has to be down to like

59:48

Donald likes Sharman ultrasound like yeah

59:51

to the tee pee yeah yeah

59:53

well remember the button Trump has

59:55

a button for a diet coke

59:57

button what about the meatloaf Remember

59:59

the meatloaf? No. He fell in

1:00:01

love with the meatloaf in his

1:00:03

first term. What? He was obsessed

1:00:05

with the White House meatloaf. He

1:00:07

was ordering it all the time.

1:00:09

Chris Christie came over for dinner

1:00:11

when they were on like, okay,

1:00:13

terms. And Chris Christie sits down

1:00:15

and Trump is just like, don't

1:00:17

worry, we'll have the meatloaf. He

1:00:19

was like Chris, you're having the

1:00:21

meat, it's unbelievable meatloaf. Unbelievable meatloaf.

1:00:23

You haven't had a meatloaf, this

1:00:25

meatloaf, this meatloaf will have the

1:00:27

meatloaf. This meatloaf will have the

1:00:29

meatloaf. This meatloaf will have the

1:00:32

unbelievable moaf. It's cannibalism in every

1:00:34

metric. A loaf of meat eating

1:00:36

a big thing of meat, come

1:00:38

on. Let me

1:00:40

ask you this Chris. Do you

1:00:42

think they gave me a new

1:00:44

mattress for my second term? What

1:00:46

do you think? What do you

1:00:48

think? What do you think? New

1:00:50

mattress? They probably like when he

1:00:52

left the first term they like

1:00:54

hit it and just orange dust

1:00:56

just sort of like cheetot off

1:00:58

of it. That's what I mean.

1:01:00

Like a like a maid brings

1:01:02

it out and they're hitting it

1:01:04

with flat wooden bath each term.

1:01:06

Wait, say it again? So like

1:01:08

Clinton, we're obviously, you know, magic

1:01:10

shelling off. Yeah, we're taking off

1:01:12

his white coating. Yes. You hit

1:01:14

it with a small hammer, like

1:01:17

cracking a hard boiled egg and

1:01:19

the fried cascades. And he's like,

1:01:21

wow, I guess I gist a

1:01:23

lot. It's like someone yelling inside

1:01:25

of a glacier. Jesus, this is

1:01:27

chipping everywhere. Run! Run! Oh no!

1:01:29

Flea! So you got that and

1:01:31

then you could do a run

1:01:33

of the president's. I don't know

1:01:35

what would be, but Trump obviously

1:01:37

the Cheeto dust. Biden, it would

1:01:39

be skin. I would sleep in

1:01:41

a bed that Obama slept in

1:01:43

without changing the sheets. I would

1:01:45

feel most comfortable. Yeah, if Barry

1:01:47

had been in the bed. Although,

1:01:49

you've got to think active sex

1:01:51

life, probably. Him and Michelle. Yes.

1:01:53

Yeah, with respect, do you mean...

1:01:55

Michelle, much respect. I would be

1:01:57

shocked if Barack Obama was cheating

1:01:59

on his wife. I don't think

1:02:01

he cheats. I don't think he

1:02:03

does either. No. I don't think

1:02:05

he did either. He uses that

1:02:07

tunnel that JFK put in for

1:02:09

the ladies. He used that to

1:02:11

jog in. A lady tunnel? He

1:02:13

had a lady tunnel. That's the

1:02:16

vagina. Yeah, that's what I mean.

1:02:18

Oh, cool. Oh yeah. Hillary's lady

1:02:20

tunnel. I love it. But he

1:02:22

can't. He can't help but laugh.

1:02:24

Well, wait, wait. But, but that's

1:02:26

the other president. Yeah, other president.

1:02:28

Oh, that's another question. Yeah. George

1:02:30

Washington. Dumb question alert, ready. Teeth.

1:02:32

Did teeth sleep in the White

1:02:34

House, right? Well, he had the

1:02:36

White House for the first president.

1:02:38

Because there was like a war

1:02:40

going on. I feel like he

1:02:42

slept in a tent. I don't

1:02:44

know if they had it. I

1:02:46

don't know. Don't make me ask

1:02:48

the robot. Katie, can you look

1:02:50

at one who the first president?

1:02:52

that's when the militias were a

1:02:54

real threat like you were armed

1:02:56

you could just go in like

1:02:58

this over John Adams, so fucking

1:03:00

Paul Giamatiamati was the first president

1:03:02

to sleep Not that I'm I'm

1:03:04

gonna need my own house. I

1:03:06

can't be sleeping in a tent.

1:03:08

The war's over. I want meatloaf

1:03:10

and I want my own mattress

1:03:12

And I'm not drinking any Yes,

1:03:15

you don't say it You don't

1:03:17

say that in a modern geomadi

1:03:19

you don't say I'm not doing

1:03:21

it. I don't do geomadi. You

1:03:23

imply it. You just bring the

1:03:25

teeth. So yeah, I won't do

1:03:27

that. I'm doing it. I won't

1:03:29

do it. You won't do it.

1:03:31

Yeah, you can't do geomadi. Oh,

1:03:33

you can't do Paul voice. Can't

1:03:35

do Dylan voice? You can't do

1:03:37

geomadi teeth. So. John Adams, here's

1:03:39

a fun one. Okay. I'm gonna

1:03:41

guess that John Adams was the...

1:03:43

Go. This is where we really

1:03:45

put ourselves on trial. Okay. This

1:03:47

is... Abraham Lincoln was what? The

1:03:49

seventh? See, this is an... I

1:03:51

don't know. I thought he was

1:03:53

the fifth because he's on the

1:03:55

five. Let me context... Honest to

1:03:57

God? No, I'm being real. I'm

1:03:59

not joking. I'm not joking. Well,

1:04:01

they did Washington on one. But

1:04:03

here's the problem. Six! Fucking nuts.

1:04:05

Everyone was screaming at their radio.

1:04:07

But what, he's like 1850 or

1:04:09

so, again. He was the... So,

1:04:12

yeah. So, when we had Abe

1:04:14

Lincoln, there had already been 16,

1:04:16

15 other presidents? Yeah. Losers, losers,

1:04:18

no one remembers. Nobody remembers. They're

1:04:20

not even on a token. It's

1:04:22

Lincoln and everybody else. It goes

1:04:24

Washington, Lincoln, FDA, me. Bingo, bingo,

1:04:26

meatloaf, eat it, Chrissy. Eat it,

1:04:28

I wanna watch you hunk it

1:04:30

down. He'll have two. He'll have

1:04:32

two. I can't tell where Chris

1:04:34

stops and the meat love starts.

1:04:36

You know he does this with

1:04:38

Chris Christie. Trump orders and the

1:04:40

meat love and then he goes,

1:04:42

he'll have an end piece and

1:04:44

he pets his belly. He'll have

1:04:46

the end piece. You know he

1:04:48

does that. I didn't even like

1:04:50

doing that. Let him lick the

1:04:52

ladle. Let him lick the ladlever.

1:04:54

You mixed it. Mama wants to

1:04:56

lick the beaters. He wants to

1:04:58

lick the beaters for the dessert

1:05:00

because he's for the dessert because

1:05:02

he's gonna lick him. Because he's

1:05:04

gonna lick him. He's gonna lick

1:05:06

him. He's gonna lick him. He's

1:05:08

gonna lick him. He's gonna lick

1:05:11

him. Nine times at a ten

1:05:13

you're going to find Chris in

1:05:15

a pitch black kitchen, you turn

1:05:17

the lights on, he's got his

1:05:19

tongue in the beat, he's caught.

1:05:21

You're just going to see a

1:05:23

bottom in the air and a

1:05:25

couple legs kicking inside of a

1:05:27

deep bowl. This guy's like a

1:05:29

raccoon for leftovers. He's a trash

1:05:31

panda, or a panda, as they'd

1:05:33

say, in Great Britain. He loves

1:05:35

the banana cream pudding. Trump doing

1:05:37

a British accent, great to be

1:05:39

here, great to be here. It's

1:05:41

honestly quite an honor. It's honestly

1:05:43

great. I've loved every minute of

1:05:45

it. It's the biggest... It's a

1:05:47

huge bend. From the time I've

1:05:49

got an off air force bloody

1:05:51

one mate. Unbelievable. It's an aeroplane.

1:05:53

What a shock. It's a shock.

1:05:55

I can't believe the Beatles made

1:05:57

their appearance on the Ed Sullivan

1:05:59

show a long time ago. I

1:06:01

want to hold you around, they

1:06:03

said, but it's not their and

1:06:05

is it. It's not their and.

1:06:07

At all. And there's something else

1:06:10

you want to hold. I said

1:06:12

it on the Access Hollywood bit.

1:06:14

I made a mistake. I made

1:06:16

a big mistake. I said grab

1:06:18

them by it. I didn't mean

1:06:20

it. Grab them by the Fanny.

1:06:22

Grab them by their Fanny. They're

1:06:24

front bam. I shouldn't have done

1:06:26

that. I shouldn't have done it.

1:06:28

That was a mistake. When he's

1:06:30

so British, he apologizes. Whopsy days.

1:06:32

Whoops. Whoops. Whoops. Whoops. I can't

1:06:34

take that back, but I wish

1:06:36

I could. Oh my God, he's

1:06:38

on all the chat shows. He's

1:06:40

in the round. He's on Graham

1:06:42

Norton. He's on Graham Norton. Fuggin'

1:06:44

Billy Eilish is sitting next to

1:06:46

him. I shouldn't have said it.

1:06:48

You're on unbelievable. You are a

1:06:50

talent. Billy with an all-yeed. Now

1:06:52

I've seen everything. See it all.

1:06:54

That is one of my favorite

1:06:56

attempts to try to do like

1:06:58

celebrities with accents. It's so bizarrely

1:07:00

like my brain is like... I

1:07:02

did one on the dollop once

1:07:04

that was like... I think it

1:07:07

was English Rodney Dangerfield. It was

1:07:09

just like... Oh, this has happened

1:07:11

before? Well, ran like once or

1:07:13

twice where it's been like put

1:07:15

him like in like Italian travolta,

1:07:17

like deep Italian tavolta. But to,

1:07:19

this is what I was going

1:07:21

to say about the presidents. On

1:07:23

the dollop, like one of our

1:07:25

first episodes, Dave mentioned Benjamin Franklin.

1:07:27

And I don't remember what my

1:07:29

wording was, but I was like,

1:07:31

when he was president and Dave's

1:07:33

face was like, oh. And I

1:07:35

was like, what? Like I assume

1:07:37

because he was on money? Yeah,

1:07:39

yeah, yeah. He was president. No,

1:07:41

he was on our hundredth, most

1:07:43

likely. The fact, I'm gonna say,

1:07:45

there's a comparison to be made

1:07:47

here. Okay. The fact that Ben

1:07:49

Franklin is on the $100 bill

1:07:51

and wasn't a president. Shocking. Is

1:07:53

like, what? It's nuts. It's like

1:07:55

Sonic the Hedgehog is Disney now?

1:07:57

It really is... He's standing next

1:07:59

to Mickey Mouse? Because he's fast

1:08:01

and has floppy red shoes. Not

1:08:03

in my America. He's got carrot

1:08:06

red shoes, and he hangs out

1:08:08

with a freak fox with two

1:08:10

tails. And he lip, lip, lip,

1:08:12

lip. He's up in the air.

1:08:14

What's he doing up there? I

1:08:16

don't trust it. Knuckles. Knuckles is

1:08:18

Idris, Idris Elba. Idris Elbows, don't

1:08:20

fuck with him, he'll elbow you.

1:08:22

Right in the Billy eyelash. Popular.

1:08:24

There's one other president who is

1:08:26

on currency, one other person who's

1:08:28

on currency wasn't president, and I

1:08:30

think it's Hamilton. Hamilton wasn't? No.

1:08:32

Hamilton's on the 10. Yes. Oh,

1:08:34

Hamilton was never president. Right? But

1:08:36

because he has a musical, because

1:08:38

he's got a wonderful musical, Lin

1:08:40

Manuel. He was never president. Thank

1:08:42

God. But he was writing like

1:08:44

he was running out of time.

1:08:46

He was too busy wrapping. He

1:08:48

was on the road. He was

1:08:50

freestyle wrapping and he could have

1:08:52

been present, but he couldn't think

1:08:54

of something that rhymed with, I

1:08:56

do take these vows. I don't

1:08:58

know. Oath is a word you

1:09:00

can't rhyme. Oath is like orange.

1:09:02

It's like oats withered lisp. It's

1:09:05

been cumbersome for those of us

1:09:07

with normal time. Oth meal. Oth

1:09:09

meal. Oth meal. I got in

1:09:11

trouble for making oath mill in

1:09:13

my luggage. I didn't put my

1:09:15

hand on the Bible. Didn't want

1:09:17

people to smell the sizzle. That

1:09:19

was weird, right? Don't smell the

1:09:21

sizzle. Well, if there's anybody that

1:09:23

would jump on someone else for

1:09:25

not doing that. Yes. Yeah, the

1:09:27

conspiracy that would have come out

1:09:29

of that if Obama didn't do

1:09:31

that. Doesn't count. Well, he couldn't

1:09:33

touch it because of the dark.

1:09:35

It would burn. I hear now

1:09:37

are like, they need you to

1:09:39

humiliate yourself. Like when Mike Tyson

1:09:41

showed his ass, remember when his

1:09:43

ass was, they were like, well

1:09:45

that's the satanic church, that's the

1:09:47

oath that they're, the oath meal

1:09:49

that they're eating is like, he

1:09:51

has to humiliate himself. But like

1:09:53

you watch it and I'm like,

1:09:55

look, if Mike Tyson was like,

1:09:57

I gotta, I gotta throw my

1:09:59

ass. he did it so beautifully

1:10:01

so naturally it made me feel

1:10:04

very comfortable with my ass because

1:10:06

i was like yeah very this

1:10:08

is like a former professional athlete

1:10:10

has got a little yeah he's

1:10:12

got a dumpy he's got a

1:10:14

bit of a dumpy my butt

1:10:16

next to Tyson's butt you pick

1:10:18

my butt every time I would

1:10:20

love to have the opportunity to

1:10:22

see it go to our patron

1:10:24

page I'm just gonna leave you

1:10:26

want to see a picture of

1:10:28

my ass next to my Tyson's

1:10:30

that's that's the only thing on

1:10:32

your patriot it's eight dollars a

1:10:34

month and it's just this picture

1:10:36

forever And it's spelled P-A-Y, it's

1:10:38

like wrong. I just bought a

1:10:40

URL. Go to our Patreon. That's

1:10:42

what I think Patreon is. You

1:10:44

should have a Peterion. Peterion. Well

1:10:46

that goes back to Cameo. I

1:10:48

would like to do that for

1:10:50

people. But I wish there was

1:10:52

a, like if they needed a

1:10:54

cheer up or a birthday or

1:10:56

something like that. But I'd like

1:10:58

to find, and I have, like

1:11:01

sometimes, I was just gonna ask

1:11:03

people of video or something. Yep.

1:11:05

But like I wish we could.

1:11:07

I can't figure it out. It

1:11:09

would be great to be like

1:11:11

if you want to send back

1:11:13

money, but it just feels so

1:11:15

weird. Here's what you could, because

1:11:17

that's what I do sometimes as

1:11:19

I go, like I'm like, what

1:11:21

is the line? Because you're not

1:11:23

on cameo for the reasons we

1:11:25

talked about, as well as you're

1:11:27

just like, I don't really want

1:11:29

to sit around and just like,

1:11:31

make five minute videos that are

1:11:33

just like, that's so hilarious that

1:11:35

your thumb hurts, you know, you

1:11:37

know, like, like, like, like, like,

1:11:39

but what is what I thought

1:11:41

about what I thought about doing,

1:11:43

Was like I'll do it for

1:11:45

a month like when I had

1:11:47

like a slow month be like

1:11:49

I'll do it for a month

1:11:51

and I'm putting it all towards

1:11:53

charity Yeah, till like then animal

1:11:55

fund like save the cultures or

1:11:57

whatever. Yeah, and then and then

1:12:00

Yanking the plug. Oh and then

1:12:02

you're done. Then I'm done. Yeah, I,

1:12:04

that. But then you, the problem

1:12:06

is that people will, not the

1:12:08

problem, but it's like, it's just

1:12:10

like anything. It's like, if, if

1:12:12

you start doing that often, then people go,

1:12:14

oh, he does it for free. And, you

1:12:17

know, it's like, I had one person be

1:12:19

like, you make a birthday video for my

1:12:21

partner. So I was like, all right, happy

1:12:23

birthday, I have a birthday, whatever, whatever. I

1:12:25

was like, I'm sorry, you got two close

1:12:27

ones. So you got two closies, that'll be

1:12:29

good enough, I think. That is so funny.

1:12:32

You know, it made me think of something,

1:12:34

but I'm going to keep it to myself.

1:12:36

It's about Brabiglia. We both got asked to do a

1:12:38

video. And the, well, now I'm just saying it. The reason

1:12:40

he didn't do it is he's like, yeah, I'm just saying

1:12:42

it. He's like, I don't want to do it, and I

1:12:44

was like, and I was like, and I was like, and

1:12:46

I was like, and I was like, because, because with the

1:12:48

internet, because with the internet and I, because with the

1:12:50

internet and I, because with the internet and

1:12:52

I, If you make a video, they can

1:12:54

make it so you're saying anything. And I

1:12:56

was like, there's enough footage of you, we

1:12:59

can do that already. You're quite prolific. I

1:13:01

was like, just say you don't want to

1:13:03

do it. You don't have to be like,

1:13:05

the AI risk. That's one of those ones

1:13:07

where you just got a bad, you're right.

1:13:09

That's all I said. I was like, I'm

1:13:12

not going to push it. There's got to

1:13:14

be a word for that when someone gives

1:13:16

an excuse that isn't right, that isn't right.

1:13:18

Yeah, but isn't right. It's the safe

1:13:20

word. Yeah, you're just you're not

1:13:22

really saying raspberries. Yes, yes You're

1:13:24

in fear. Yes, I understand you

1:13:26

have a phobia You're living in

1:13:28

fear. Yes living in fear that

1:13:30

but I definitely feel that we're

1:13:32

like there are times when you

1:13:35

work with people where you go

1:13:37

like okay Yeah, yeah, I just

1:13:39

got let that go every once

1:13:41

in a while you just have

1:13:43

to go. That's just what's happening.

1:13:45

Yeah, can you sing the theme

1:13:47

song from living single? You can.

1:13:49

In a 90s kind of world. I'm

1:13:51

glad I've got my girls. Keep your

1:13:54

head up. There's like a rap part

1:13:56

I don't remember. I don't do the

1:13:58

rap. I don't. I don't

1:14:01

do the rap. I'm not left-eye.

1:14:03

I'm not Lisa left. He knows

1:14:05

all of it. I'm not Lisa

1:14:07

left-eye Lopez. Rest in peace. Shut

1:14:09

up, Teabas, chili. Teep. Try the

1:14:11

chili. I'll do family matters. Or

1:14:14

wait, no, full house. Whatever happened

1:14:16

to respectability. Predictability. Or respectability. Hold

1:14:18

on, I'm gonna stop the piano

1:14:20

for a minute, because I have

1:14:22

a thought on respect. Respect. Did

1:14:24

Chappelle get in trouble for saying

1:14:27

that Reginald, the guy who played

1:14:29

the dad, was having sex with

1:14:31

Puffie? Like, after, remember, did you

1:14:33

watch the S&L monologue? No, I

1:14:35

didn't. Oh, in the S&L monologue,

1:14:37

he like alludes to, he says,

1:14:40

like, I saw it on the

1:14:42

internet, which means it's probably not

1:14:44

true, but then he's like, but

1:14:46

I don't know, and that he's

1:14:48

like, somebody walked in a room

1:14:50

and Puffie was having sex with

1:14:53

the dad from the dad from

1:14:55

family matters, from Family Matters. You

1:14:57

mean run with that one? Yeah,

1:14:59

for family matter. That would be

1:15:01

the ripple effect. Whatever happened to

1:15:03

predictability. The milkman, what happened to

1:15:05

the milkman? He used to bring

1:15:08

the milk. This guy. This guy

1:15:10

knew. Forgotten milkman. There would be

1:15:12

missing people on it. Actually, the

1:15:14

glass one didn't give a fuck

1:15:16

about helping with any investigation. The

1:15:18

glass one was like, I'll keep

1:15:21

your milk cold. I don't want

1:15:23

to get involved. Carton is like,

1:15:25

I'll help. Carton's like, look, I'll

1:15:27

be around for a while. This

1:15:29

kid's gone. Help. Can you help?

1:15:31

Have you seen this kid? I

1:15:34

can't even see him. I'm a

1:15:36

carton. I look from the inside.

1:15:38

I'm in a milky darkness. I

1:15:40

mean, I looked from the inside.

1:15:42

I mean, I looked inside the

1:15:44

carton for an hour and a

1:15:47

half one day. So I don't

1:15:49

know what kind of prize. Oh

1:15:51

my god. A

1:15:54

milky dark man. Did you know the

1:15:56

Matrix was actually based on a Philip

1:15:58

K Dick book called The Milky Dark?

1:16:00

This show is sponsored by Better Help.

1:16:03

You've heard me talk a lot about

1:16:05

Better Help because I love talk therapy.

1:16:07

It is actively improved, enhanced, and changed

1:16:09

my life for the better. You hear

1:16:11

a lot of people out there talking

1:16:14

about red flags. Look out for these

1:16:16

red flags in your relationships with your

1:16:18

friendships at work, whatever it might be.

1:16:20

We don't talk enough about green flags.

1:16:22

Where the green flags, the things that

1:16:25

you want to have in your life,

1:16:27

that's one of the things that therapy

1:16:29

can cultivate and bring out and help

1:16:31

you recognize. In romantic relationships, in your

1:16:33

friendships, in your work relationships, what are

1:16:36

the things that we should be calling

1:16:38

green flags and help increase and embody

1:16:40

that green flag energy in yourself? and

1:16:42

identify it in others. Whether you're dating,

1:16:44

married, building a friendship, or just working

1:16:47

on yourself, it's time to form relationships

1:16:49

that love you back. Let's get some

1:16:51

green flags. You guys know, talk therapy

1:16:53

is greater than the sum of its

1:16:55

parts. It's not just talking. It's talking

1:16:58

to a trained professional who knows how

1:17:00

to gently nudge you in different directions

1:17:02

to bring out the best. Get over

1:17:04

that codependence. Set up that boundary with

1:17:06

that family member. Find that self-love that

1:17:09

says, yes, I deserve this, this, and

1:17:11

this, and I'm going to go for

1:17:13

it. It is absolutely revolutionized both my

1:17:15

life and Valerie's life. That's why it

1:17:17

comes up so much on this podcast.

1:17:20

And Better Help makes it so easy

1:17:22

to start. It's fully online, making therapy

1:17:24

affordable and convenient, serving over 5 million

1:17:26

people worldwide. And you can access a

1:17:28

diverse network of more than 30,000 credentialed

1:17:31

therapists with a wide range of specialties.

1:17:33

even switch your therapist very easily at

1:17:35

no extra cost. So discover your relationship

1:17:37

green flags with better help. Visit better

1:17:39

help.com/weirdo to get 10% off your first

1:17:42

month. That's better help. h-e-l-p.com/weirdo. We are

1:17:44

also brought to us by our friend

1:17:46

at Modern Mammals, just the quickest little

1:17:48

mention here. I hate shampoo. It makes

1:17:50

your hair look like a fucking tumbleweed

1:17:53

rolling through a western facade movie set.

1:17:55

Not even a real one. Looks like

1:17:57

garbage. Your hair gets fried out. It's

1:17:59

unruly. Modern mammals is the only shampoo

1:18:01

that I like. It's the only one

1:18:04

that I use. You put it through

1:18:06

your hair and it kind of feels

1:18:08

like you went to the beach that

1:18:10

day. It's got a little bit of

1:18:12

control. It left enough of that natural

1:18:15

oil in your hair to make it

1:18:17

manageable and give it a try. If

1:18:19

you're anything like me, you will love

1:18:21

it and there's no going back. Modern

1:18:23

mammals.com/weird. See, that could go on stage

1:18:26

as well, but that's not as... Yeah,

1:18:28

I'm a bit of a walk, but

1:18:30

still... I'm not even sure about the

1:18:32

mattress one if I'm being on us.

1:18:34

I think it might have been best

1:18:37

performed here today. There's a lot of

1:18:39

those, for sure. Where are you on

1:18:41

new material now? New material? I think

1:18:43

I have about... I think I have

1:18:45

about 30 minutes. Okay. I just filmed

1:18:48

my new hour in Portland. Oh, you

1:18:50

just did? Yeah, about three weeks ago.

1:18:52

Oh, wow. Oh, that's where? At the

1:18:54

Aladdin. Oh, it's great. Yeah, it was,

1:18:56

and it's great. We're actually editing it

1:18:59

tomorrow morning. And, you know, towards the

1:19:01

end of the tour, you start working

1:19:03

in the new stuff. Yeah. There's a

1:19:05

lot of like, here's a lot of

1:19:07

like. record-keeping for me. I didn't always

1:19:10

do this but you need to like

1:19:12

have documents that say like what did

1:19:14

you do last time you were in

1:19:16

this city and then you go okay

1:19:18

and then you swap out some stuff

1:19:21

and do the the new 30 in

1:19:23

the middle and then you so next

1:19:25

time you go you can't do that

1:19:27

so you better have a new new

1:19:29

30 so there's all these like No,

1:19:32

it's like it's like alternate timelines. That's

1:19:34

what I'll listen and I'll be like

1:19:36

okay. Yeah, that's yeah I can't I

1:19:38

and it'll be like I'll be up

1:19:40

so be like Jesus crazy been doing

1:19:43

this forever. Yeah, and there's some of

1:19:45

those too. You're really like I can't

1:19:47

believe I was doing that joke. Or

1:19:49

your bench players. Have you already used

1:19:51

your bench players there? I'm trying to

1:19:54

retire my bench players because when you

1:19:56

bring up a thing, you do an

1:19:58

hour, usually there's guys that you call

1:20:00

off the bench. You're like, well, we

1:20:02

need you again. Yep. And there are

1:20:05

certain jokes that I've done every time

1:20:07

after my hour taping. And I'm not

1:20:09

doing that this year. So you're going

1:20:11

all new. I'm going all new and

1:20:13

it feels so good. It really is

1:20:16

the best feeling. I forget who said

1:20:18

this, but it really changed my life.

1:20:20

Somebody was like, if you're feeling stuck

1:20:22

in stand-up, like you just don't love

1:20:24

it anymore, they were like, write a

1:20:27

new joke and try it. And I

1:20:29

was like, that's exactly correct. That to

1:20:31

me is like... That's where because the

1:20:33

gains you see in like that first

1:20:35

like month or six weeks of like

1:20:38

how you're making it better Even if

1:20:40

it ends up not working. Yeah, you

1:20:42

have a project like you have a

1:20:44

little focus. You're like I got this

1:20:46

guy I really want this guy to

1:20:49

work. Yep. And then you get really

1:20:51

excited and then when he starts working

1:20:53

and you're going oh I catch myself

1:20:55

smiling for no reason like in a

1:20:57

good you know when you wake up

1:21:00

and you remember you wake up and

1:21:02

you have to break up with your

1:21:04

girlfriend or you know I have the

1:21:06

opposite when I have a new bit

1:21:08

that I'm like excited about. You'll catch

1:21:11

yourself smiling. Or thinking or going, oh,

1:21:13

that'd be good. Totally. And I want

1:21:15

to write them out. I love writing

1:21:17

out all the new bits and how

1:21:19

I just last night I was writing

1:21:22

out how two jokes go together. And

1:21:24

I was like, oh my God, it's

1:21:26

happening. And I'm trying something new and

1:21:28

I want to put this to you.

1:21:30

Meaning, what are your thoughts, obviously? I'm

1:21:33

like, this hour, I want to have

1:21:35

like, kind of an intent for it,

1:21:37

like a flavor. You all have different

1:21:39

colors and flavors. And this one is

1:21:41

shaping up to be really silly and

1:21:44

playful and really fun and pleasant to

1:21:46

perform. And I'm like, I hope I

1:21:48

can keep this up. Like the hour

1:21:50

I just did, there were a couple

1:21:52

bits that I'm like, how am I

1:21:55

going to do this one? Like there's

1:21:57

so many, this is a brag, but

1:21:59

there's so many parts acting out. There's

1:22:01

so much yelling. And I'm just like,

1:22:03

so on the last night of the

1:22:06

weekend when I would do that joke,

1:22:08

and on the new hour, it was

1:22:10

Q-tips and take off your shoes and

1:22:12

they were together. And boy, they're like

1:22:14

frenzy jokes. They're like, I'm spinning plates.

1:22:17

And that's the fun. This new hour

1:22:19

is very like, it's more like, just

1:22:21

talking about it. It's fun. I think,

1:22:23

you know what's funny is like, when

1:22:25

you get those more complicated longer runs.

1:22:28

and they kill you're like fuck yeah

1:22:30

but when they don't you're like well

1:22:32

i was a lot of chatting for

1:22:34

you guys to watch me drink water

1:22:36

now because i finished that that's right

1:22:39

yeah like and it's over because i've

1:22:41

stopped speaking yes not because it was

1:22:43

good i have one joke where i'm

1:22:45

like like i'll get like either the

1:22:47

like clap for him or like which

1:22:50

you know and i'll go that applause

1:22:52

i can tell is based on you're

1:22:54

like wow that monkey dancing a lot

1:22:56

for a banana a banana like Because

1:22:58

I'm like, because I'm like, yeah, I

1:23:01

got that a high velocity with a

1:23:03

high rate for a while and you're

1:23:05

really nailing it. In Stand Up, if

1:23:07

there's anything that's vulnerable and unpleasant, it's

1:23:09

when you're in the middle of a

1:23:12

joke that requires a lot of performance,

1:23:14

a lot of words, and a lot

1:23:16

of volume, and it's not really working.

1:23:18

And you know, normally, I've got people

1:23:20

with me here. And you're not there

1:23:23

right now, so. And especially, and then

1:23:25

if you're me, and let's say, I

1:23:27

have some jokes about my parents or

1:23:29

something, I'm like, oh, they're thinking I'm

1:23:31

a bad son or something. Like I

1:23:34

have moments like that. Or like, where

1:23:36

they disagree with me. Yeah. Like, Val

1:23:38

is so good at this. She's like,

1:23:40

Pete, they were just taking a break.

1:23:42

Or they were just tired or you

1:23:45

forgot to say this line and no

1:23:47

one knew what the fuck you were

1:23:49

talking about. it's so different like it's

1:23:51

like when you do like i did

1:23:53

a bigger room on my last run

1:23:56

like i mostly do clubs and i

1:23:58

did like a bigger room and i

1:24:00

was like i i definitely was like

1:24:02

don't talk about how you I feel

1:24:04

like you're bombing a lot. Yeah, but

1:24:07

a couple times I was like talking

1:24:09

about it and it was just because

1:24:11

the room was so big that the

1:24:13

laughs leave so quickly. Oh in the

1:24:15

big room you felt like you were

1:24:18

bombing. Yes. Yes. I'll say that yes.

1:24:20

Which you probably because you're your theaters

1:24:22

only. No, no, I'm not. Oh, are

1:24:24

you I'm alternating all the time. In

1:24:26

fact, the night before. Portland. We were

1:24:29

in Seattle and where were we there?

1:24:31

I forget what it's called. I'm so

1:24:33

sorry, but it's where the even flow

1:24:35

video was. There you go. We watched

1:24:37

that backstage and we're like, I can't

1:24:40

believe I'm like following even flow. Yeah,

1:24:42

in your head. In my mind, that's

1:24:44

the only thing that's happened there. Yes.

1:24:46

Even flow and then it was me.

1:24:48

Yeah. But I really, you know, 90s

1:24:51

kid, I couldn't believe Nirvana had been

1:24:53

there and Pearl Jam and I was

1:24:55

like, this is insane. So I was

1:24:57

really into it. But that was about

1:24:59

$1,700 or something, which is really big

1:25:02

for me. And we went out and

1:25:04

to me, it's like, you go in

1:25:06

slower, hand in pocket, try not to

1:25:08

yell too much and go slow and

1:25:10

let them laugh. It takes a while.

1:25:13

It's like. Drying your bed sheets. It

1:25:15

just takes longer. Club is like your

1:25:17

hand washing a sock in the river.

1:25:19

This is like a machine washing fitted

1:25:21

sheet. So you just have to go

1:25:24

slower. But then we had such a

1:25:26

great time and we were like, holy

1:25:28

shit, 700 people, it's great. Like they're

1:25:30

really giving it up. Then we go

1:25:32

to the Aladdin, which is, I don't

1:25:35

know. 13 maybe? What do you think?

1:25:37

I think it's less. I think it's

1:25:39

like a thousand. Okay. And we were

1:25:41

like, wow. There's a big difference It

1:25:43

felt more like a club in a

1:25:46

good way, too, but I had to

1:25:48

stay on top of them I hope

1:25:50

this is interesting, but I was like

1:25:52

wow Even in a theater you can

1:25:54

still feel scrappy and you can still

1:25:57

feel It's not orating yet at 1700.

1:25:59

I felt like I was orating. Yeah,

1:26:01

right is the punch line. Yeah, and

1:26:03

there were enough people to carry it

1:26:05

small theater. You can still feel like

1:26:08

you're bombing and yet you have to

1:26:10

like pick up the pace all the

1:26:12

tricks you would do in a club

1:26:14

yeah it is it's real it's so

1:26:16

weird it's like I do like the

1:26:19

clubs I go to for the most

1:26:21

part I'm like okay yeah I can

1:26:23

like I can tell what's going on

1:26:25

yeah I have a much better pulse

1:26:27

of the room those bigger rooms you

1:26:30

start going like you'd you I always,

1:26:32

because I started staying up kind of

1:26:34

late, so I watched stand up for

1:26:36

a while, and I would always be

1:26:38

like, why is this guy talking about

1:26:41

how he's bombing? He's not bombing. Yes.

1:26:43

You know, and I'd be like, don't

1:26:45

do that. Or, you know. You're taking

1:26:47

a page right from my book. Before

1:26:49

I go out, I'm not going, I'm

1:26:52

trying to think positive. In any way.

1:26:54

And the bombing to me is if

1:26:56

I'm like, that usually does better, in

1:26:58

some version that comes out, that's actually

1:27:00

bombing. It's not silence, it's I've gotten

1:27:03

sour in some way. I think there's

1:27:05

like, it's funny because I will do

1:27:07

it from time to time, but it's

1:27:09

like, if you do it too much,

1:27:11

like after the show, like when I'm

1:27:14

selling merch or whatever, like. People will

1:27:16

if people start going like sorry about

1:27:18

the audience. That's when I'm like I

1:27:20

fucking push this way too. Like I

1:27:22

was like I was having fun. I

1:27:25

was like joking around about it to

1:27:27

you Again, that is very good. They're

1:27:29

like they're doing their best Yeah, you'll

1:27:31

it's so much better for me in

1:27:33

those moments to acknowledge them in some

1:27:36

way that shows that you're aware of

1:27:38

them but not in a negative yeah

1:27:40

I think that's always you can be

1:27:42

like I don't you guys weren't sure

1:27:44

about that one or maybe you were

1:27:47

I don't know I don't know you

1:27:49

guys like I have all these save

1:27:51

lines where I'm like you guys haven't

1:27:53

been an audience before like yeah right

1:27:55

in this exact assemblage you're figuring it

1:27:58

out and then afterwards then they like

1:28:00

really come alive because they're like oh

1:28:02

he's looking at us and so you're

1:28:04

looking at me I'm looking I did

1:28:06

a show in a show in Minneapolis

1:28:09

a couple of a couple weeks 30

1:28:11

people and they were the first like

1:28:13

three rows oh well and so it

1:28:15

was weird because it was like yeah

1:28:17

you don't want them it felt like

1:28:20

an away game and and so I

1:28:22

was like I could tell like they

1:28:24

knew each other that they knew each

1:28:26

other and that one guy was like

1:28:28

this is the best and that 29

1:28:31

people were like sell us and it

1:28:33

was definitely like a good lesson at

1:28:35

being like stay in the pocket. It's

1:28:37

true. Don't. I think it's a meditative

1:28:39

thing. It's like, stay in your own

1:28:42

truth. Yes. The other thing, stick to

1:28:44

the plan. You don't, you know how

1:28:46

on an airplane you're not allowed to

1:28:48

congregate? Yeah. It's like, not anymore. Ugh.

1:28:50

You mean like pre-9? Everyone was forming

1:28:53

clicks. Yeah, now everything's a cell. Pre-9

1:28:55

though, you could, remember? We'd have little

1:28:57

clumps. You'd click out. Remember. Remember that?

1:28:59

Pre-9 I'm in the, I'm going all

1:29:01

the way to the back, hanging out

1:29:04

with the people that don't respond. Pre-9,

1:29:06

I'll hang out near the shitter! Pre-9,

1:29:08

I'm just lingering. Pre-9! In first class,

1:29:10

I'm not in there. I'd use the

1:29:12

front shitter, there was no flight attendant,

1:29:15

I'd use the front shitter, there was

1:29:17

no flight attendant, I'd use the front

1:29:19

shitter, there was no flight attendant, I

1:29:21

know it's on auto. Now

1:29:23

if the pilot's got to take his

1:29:26

shit, God forbid! Can I ask you

1:29:28

a question? Why did we have autopilot

1:29:30

in airplanes before we had it in

1:29:32

cars? That seems crazy. It's crazy. I

1:29:35

mean, it's, I guess there's nothing up

1:29:37

there. Yeah, that's why. There's no traffic

1:29:39

lights. You're asking a lot of, I

1:29:41

mean, it was like, it's also the

1:29:44

long stretch. Yeah, it's a long stretch.

1:29:46

I don't think the pilots wanted us

1:29:48

to know about how much the auto.

1:29:51

There's a lot more than just putting

1:29:53

on the auto pilot. Oh, we're talking.

1:29:55

But up there they're up there reading

1:29:57

husser up. I feel like I feel

1:30:00

like Pilots love pornography. I feel like

1:30:02

they're into it and they definitely have

1:30:04

projectors. Oh boy, he's just like, look,

1:30:07

now you got a bank happy, you know that

1:30:09

right? Final projector thought, get over the

1:30:11

stigma, get one in the wall and

1:30:13

you don't need a screen, it just

1:30:15

needs to be dark, and now you're

1:30:17

playing any video game and it's the

1:30:19

greatest thing you've ever done in your

1:30:21

life. I think you have, you think

1:30:23

I'm judging you think I'm judging you,

1:30:25

but that I would call projectionist. I'm

1:30:28

really sorry. Like racist? No,

1:30:30

no, like you're projecting and there's

1:30:33

a long walk. I liked it

1:30:35

for a moment. For a moment.

1:30:37

For a moment you were for

1:30:39

a mint. For a mint mento.

1:30:41

For a mint mento. Would you

1:30:44

do it for a mint mento?

1:30:46

Would you do it for a mint

1:30:48

mento? I don't know. I had a

1:30:50

fruit mento under two months ago. Get

1:30:53

back in. I don't know what I don't

1:30:55

know what you got you to

1:30:57

leave. Can I ask you something?

1:31:00

Get back. Skittles is out there

1:31:02

driving a Ferrari. Mentos is over

1:31:04

at the fucking Vons. Well look,

1:31:07

Skittles, you can dislocate the job.

1:31:09

Mentos is like a slow, delicious

1:31:11

cloud bite. It seems like a

1:31:13

medicine that heals unhappiness. I'm not

1:31:16

going to push back too hard

1:31:18

on that. I will say, on

1:31:20

it being a little medicinal. on

1:31:23

the mentos having the vibe of like it.

1:31:25

It comes in like an orange tube and

1:31:27

you can't open it. It's a quality. But

1:31:29

I will say. There should be a safety

1:31:31

seal on a mento. I don't agree. I

1:31:33

think get back involved. Try a fruit

1:31:35

mentos. No, I'm with you. Are you?

1:31:38

When I say municipal. No, no, no.

1:31:40

I'm saying Skittles is out there,

1:31:42

King Dick. Okay. And Mentos is

1:31:44

like, I'm a huge Skittle. Skittles.

1:31:46