0:01

Hi, listeners, welcome back. I'm nedroglover

0:04

to WIB and you need to hear this. In

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today's episode, we are talking about a

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sensitive topic. I don't think we've followed

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this topic before on the podcast,

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but today we are talking about domestic

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violence in your

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area. There are support services available

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and if you are experiencing domestic

0:24

violence, or if you know of someone

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who is experiencing domestic

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violence, it can be very helpful for

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you to have that information and

0:34

to utilize it when you need. So

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in today's call, we're talking to

0:39

a mother who decided

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to leave her perpetrator, and to no

0:43

surprise, you know, there are people around her

0:45

who are not being supportive of this. But

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listen, there are times in our lives

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where we need to make a safety decision

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and it is not for other people

0:56

to decide what is best when

0:58

you are trying to stay alive

1:00

and be safe. So let's

1:03

listen to today's car and if it

1:05

gets tough for you at any moments,

1:07

feel free to pause.

1:10

Dan Al, I'm

1:12

going through brutal divorce. I

1:14

ran out of my own home with my two children

1:17

and just my phone a year back. At

1:20

that time, my husband was having

1:22

a complete mental breakdown, and

1:25

I feared for my and my children's

1:27

lives. My daughter

1:29

is almost seven and my son is four. I

1:32

fired for divorce six months later,

1:35

and my husband's threats and blues

1:37

has intensified against me and my

1:39

family. He

1:42

would send threats on what'sapp

1:45

and he would also come over to the building

1:47

to issue his threats in person.

1:53

I have find a domestic wilding complete

1:56

as I has gone to the police for help. To

1:58

give you a background, I was married for eight

2:01

years, and before that really did for

2:03

ten years. I met him when I was eighteen.

2:06

It's only shown an interest in women, but I

2:09

saw that things would settle down once we got

2:11

married, but it only worsened once

2:14

I got pregnant with my first child. He

2:17

had a fact but he would come and tell me

2:20

that he had slept with some woman,

2:22

some intern in his office. If

2:26

I got upset about it, he would shut and

2:28

see that I was fussing. I was being mean.

2:31

Why wouldn't I just accept it? After all,

2:33

he was being honest. Why

2:35

couldn't I handle such things with more grease?

2:40

Thank you for writing the end. I know that

2:42

this is not an easy story

2:45

to share, and this is the first time

2:47

that we have maybe

2:50

talked about domestic violence

2:52

in a direct way on this podcast,

2:55

So thank you for sharing this because

2:57

someone needs to hear it today. When

3:01

you are in a violent

3:03

situation, you know, the abuse

3:06

starts to happen emotionally

3:09

before any physical abuse is

3:11

done. The mental and the emotional

3:13

abuse happens first. And

3:16

having someone say to you,

3:18

you know, why can't you just accept it or

3:20

what's wrong with you? After they do something

3:23

that's not great behavior or

3:25

they're mean or they're abusive, that

3:27

is also part of the abuse.

3:29

And I'm sure that you

3:31

know it leaves you questioning yourself and wondering

3:34

like, is there something wrong with me? Am

3:36

I you know, not handling this situation

3:39

well, And it's no, You're being

3:41

given a situation that really people

3:44

aren't supposed to handle well. And

3:47

so you know, as you're

3:49

going through this divorce

3:51

process, there will have to be

3:54

some rewiring that you

3:56

do to better understand

3:58

that this was also a part of the

4:00

abuse. There will be some ruminating,

4:03

some thoughts that constantly come

4:05

up and replaying of situations

4:07

because you may find that you know, at

4:10

the time, I didn't think

4:12

it was maybe a problem,

4:14

but now that I'm thinking about it. That doesn't

4:16

feel right that that person said that to me,

4:18

or it doesn't feel right that I

4:21

allow them to do that. So as

4:23

you're going through this process, you

4:25

will notice some replying, and it

4:27

just means that your brain is

4:29

now able to process

4:32

some of this stuff and really go through it.

4:34

So you know, the most brutal part

4:36

of this is like the memories of

4:39

all the things you endured during

4:42

this marriage.

4:44

My son was wondering the people of Covid

4:47

in twenty twenty April, and

4:49

the lockdome period of two years was

4:51

rightful. He often talked about

4:54

how I was never there for him. I

4:56

never had time for him, which is why he had

4:58

to look out for others really to

5:00

satisfy his physical and emotional

5:02

needs. I took care of

5:05

our kids back then. My daughter was three

5:07

and my son was You're born all by

5:09

myself. He isolated me from my

5:11

family, even though my parents stayed

5:13

two minutes away from where I stay.

5:16

He also started to physically abuse

5:18

me by holding my neck, pinning

5:20

me to the wole and saying, what will you do?

5:23

You know, try and escape, let me see what

5:25

can you do. He

5:28

also started to physically abuse

5:30

my daughter. He threatened her.

5:33

He would often say to her, do you want

5:35

me to come there? You don't

5:37

want me to come there? You know

5:39

what I'm going to do to you. She was frightened.

5:45

Around a year before I left, he started

5:47

to force me to date other men. I simply

5:49

refused and I was not interested.

5:52

I told him, look, you go ahead to whatever

5:54

you want, but I need a peaceful home.

5:57

I need a peaceful environment. By

6:01

then, he claimed that he has left with over forty

6:04

women that year, and now

6:06

things were not as exciting with me

6:09

since I refused to beat his angle

6:11

and physical violence, his threats and abuse

6:13

of them was and worth delay. Now out of my

6:15

home, fearing for our lives.

6:21

You know, as I hear this, I

6:24

am proud of you for

6:27

protecting yourself and

6:29

your family in this situation.

6:33

To endure this for

6:35

any length of time, it sounds

6:37

like you know something that will certainly be

6:40

long term impactful.

6:42

And even in the midst of this, you

6:45

trying to maintain

6:47

your home environment and make

6:49

sure that you are honoring yourself and

6:52

disagreeing. And I know that that you

6:54

know made things worse for you, But it

6:57

sounds like it was really important

6:59

for you to do in those moments

7:02

to really bargain with him for your

7:05

small pieces of freedom was

7:08

really important to you. I

7:10

want to keep listening, and as we listen,

7:13

you know, I want you to think about listener

7:15

the people in your life who are

7:18

in unhappy relationships,

7:21

going through difficult divorces,

7:24

in domestic violence situations,

7:27

or just questionable circumstances.

7:30

How can we support them? How

7:33

can we show up for them when they

7:36

sometimes can't show up for themselves.

7:38

What words of encouragement,

7:40

what resources? What can we

7:42

give to a person who's

7:44

going through a situation that you

7:46

know, maybe we don't understand or

7:49

our understanding is limited.

7:51

How can we help them

7:53

along the path of, you know, leaving.

7:56

I think often we feel

7:58

like, well, if a person has a problem and they're

8:01

ready to leave, they will come to me and let me

8:03

know. But it's much harder

8:05

than that, as we can hear that these

8:08

processes unfold over

8:10

time, and people aren't

8:13

all mean to you at once. You know,

8:15

It's like it happens in these small

8:17

bursts, and then there's night, then they're nice,

8:20

and then they repair, and then it happens again,

8:22

and it's this constant cycle

8:25

of abuse, and so it is really important

8:27

for us to be able to be patient

8:30

with people who are in abusive

8:32

relationships and also to

8:34

not force them to leave because

8:36

they have to be ready. Now. Certainly,

8:39

if there is a danger situation, it

8:41

could be helpful to safety plan with a friend,

8:43

and what that might look like is giving

8:45

them a list of domestic

8:48

violence shelters in the

8:50

neighborhood or in your community,

8:52

just letting them know, hey, you know, if

8:54

you run into an issue, it could be the middle of the night,

8:57

anytime of day, here's an agency

8:59

or an organization that could

9:01

help you, and you can leave that there. You don't have

9:03

to say you have to call or ask them about

9:05

it anymore. Just give them the resource.

9:08

So how we support people certainly

9:11

matters in these situations.

9:14

Let's take a quick break and we will

9:16

come back and finish listening.

9:23

My question is his father keeps

9:25

telling me that I am the only one

9:27

that can talk to him because he

9:30

trusted me back then and I would

9:32

be the only one who could counsel him and help

9:34

and see reality. When we had

9:36

a meeting with the judge, he

9:39

was so dramatic. He cried

9:42

and he talked about my kids, my children,

9:45

and the judge instead of telling

9:47

him anything, counseled me that I should

9:49

not keep the children away. I could make

9:52

sure the children were not scared of him. When

9:56

I didn't meet a help is, she told me that,

9:58

look, this is a person who

10:01

might be suffering from some mental health

10:03

issue and you should

10:05

support him. You could help him, and

10:07

divorce was not a good idea right now. Given

10:09

this stream of mind, he might

10:12

not be able to handle it and his mental

10:14

health may version. Now.

10:17

I do not wish for this man to be anywhere

10:19

near my children, but I fear I will not

10:22

see that happen. Even

10:25

the court are not supporting me. How do I

10:27

handle such a situation? How do I protect

10:29

my children and myself from

10:31

him? He

10:33

met the children once last

10:36

month and he

10:38

abused me and my family in front of them.

10:42

And he keeps interrogating the children

10:44

who came to see you. Was that your uncle? What gives

10:46

to you there? And he uses all that

10:49

information against me by

10:52

issuing threat by stopping my family

10:55

members. I don't know

10:57

what to do because I'm not able

10:59

to see the lighted this it's done

11:03

and advice, I would

11:05

greek you appreciate that. Thanks.

11:10

I'm hearing a need for more support in

11:12

your area. In your community, there

11:15

are domestic violent shelters

11:18

and advocates who are more aware

11:20

of the law in your area. And

11:23

it sounds like you are at a time

11:25

and certainly in a space where

11:27

you need to contact someone

11:30

on your behalf. I live in Charlotte,

11:32

North Carolina, and there is an

11:34

agency here that does domestic

11:37

violence screenings and they will help you with

11:39

Foley restraining orders, help

11:41

you with relocation monies,

11:43

and even some financial

11:46

support to help you set yourself

11:48

up. And in your area there

11:50

is very likely a similar support.

11:54

It can be really helpful for you to tap

11:56

into those because it

11:58

sounds like family saying you know

12:01

this person is going through an issue and you

12:03

need to stay in the situation, but for

12:05

your safety. It sounds

12:07

like you are making a different choice,

12:10

and so having someone familiar

12:12

with the landscape of your community

12:15

is going to be very beneficial.

12:17

There are many people who will have something

12:19

to say who may not

12:21

support your decision, whether that is cultural,

12:24

whether that is just you know, their belief

12:26

system that people can work through this. It's

12:29

something that you may come up against,

12:31

but also something that might not be very helpful

12:33

for you in this situation. So

12:36

I would certainly say, you know, find some

12:38

support in your community that

12:41

aligns with what you

12:43

need in this moment, and it's not encouragement

12:46

around staying in

12:48

a very dangerous

12:50

situation. And this could work for

12:52

your husband too, if he wants to find

12:55

some sort of support to help him

12:57

with his domestic violence issues,

12:59

that possible. You know, there

13:02

are people who help perpetrators

13:04

as well. It's not just for victims. There

13:06

are services for perpetrators.

13:08

So if that's something that he wants to do and

13:10

get some mental health assistance or

13:12

maybe get some support

13:15

around this, he can. But you know,

13:17

at this time, we are worried about you

13:19

and the things that you need, so tapping

13:21

into some resources in your community

13:24

will be very helpful and will give

13:26

you the safety and comfort that

13:29

you need at this time. All

13:32

mental health professionals are not created

13:34

equal. I will not stand up for anybody

13:36

in my field that I do not know, but I will say

13:38

this, sometimes we get bad information

13:41

from people, and if you're in a dangerous

13:43

situation and someone is telling you to consider

13:45

the other person and stay, I would

13:48

reconsider that advice because

13:50

it can, you know, be detrimental

13:53

for you to not be in a dangerous

13:55

situation, you know, so the

13:57

advice of oh my gosh, this person

14:00

is going through this thing, that

14:02

could be true. And also you

14:04

may need to find a new person to talk

14:06

to as a mental health

14:08

professional. Sure, people who are

14:10

perpetrators probably have some mental health

14:13

issues. However, not

14:15

everyone with mental health issues

14:17

abuse other people, and so that must

14:19

be said as well that you know,

14:22

of course we want to make sure

14:24

that but you know, I mentioned that there's

14:26

treatment on both sides. Is not a one

14:29

sided resource for treatment. It's

14:31

like, no, both people can get treatment, and

14:33

you may not need to be with a person who's abusive

14:36

to you. So this idea that

14:38

you have to be really sensitive to the person's

14:40

mental health needs when you're being mistreated,

14:45

how sensitive And are there safety

14:47

issues you know that we need to

14:49

be concerned about are you at risk?

14:51

If you're at risk, I don't think you need

14:54

to, you know, wait it out and consider

14:56

it. If someone is doing something to themselves

14:58

or they're in the early stages of

15:01

exhibiting something, maybe that's something

15:03

where it's like, oh my gosh, let me get this person

15:05

some support. But when mental health issues

15:07

have been turned on you in a very violent

15:10

way. That is not the time

15:12

to take care of the person who is being violent.

15:15

So if you are stuck

15:17

on oh my gosh, this person has a mental

15:20

health issue and I should help them, you

15:22

may want to err towards helping yourself.

15:25

Deciding to leave someone is never

15:27

an easy decision, especially when

15:30

you're leaving under a state of panic

15:32

and without the support of other people in your

15:34

life. So I know this is a

15:36

tough decision, but it also sounds like

15:38

it's a very safe one.

15:41

You need to hear this. We

15:46

can be a resource for the people

15:49

in our lives. You know, if we know

15:51

someone in a domestic violent situation,

15:54

it might be helpful for us to have some phone

15:57

numbers to be able to share to connect

15:59

them with people who have been in similar

16:02

situations to them. That can

16:04

be the support that they need

16:06

in this moment. So, if

16:09

you are unable to help,

16:12

being a resource is a really

16:14

beautiful way that we can show up for people.

16:20

You need to hear. This is an iHeart

16:22

production host it by Mendra

16:24

Glover to WOP. Our executive

16:27

producer is Joel Balnique.

16:29

Our senior producer and editor is

16:31

Mia don Taylor. Send us

16:33

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16:36

boundaries and relationships at

16:38

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rate our show wherever you listen to

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someone who needs to hear this. Talk

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