0:14

Welcome to You're Not Crazy , a

0:16

podcast for the adult children of

0:18

parents with borderline and narcissistic

0:21

personality disorders . I'm

0:23

your host , tori Wixel , a

0:25

therapist and coach with over a decade

0:27

of experience in the mental health field . Now

0:30

let's jump in . Hi

0:33

and welcome back to the podcast . This week

0:35

we have a really

0:37

good episode , if I can toot

0:39

my own horn ahead . But before

0:41

we dive into the heart of our episode

0:44

, let's talk about a few housekeeping

0:46

things . I just

0:48

posted a new

0:50

mini course . It's called Before

0:52

Boundaries . It's available in the Confident

0:54

Boundaries online community and

0:57

it's available if you are not

0:59

a part of the community . You can purchase the

1:01

mini course alone for $29

1:04

. Just head over to confidentboundariescom

1:06

. I'll throw that in the show

1:08

notes as well . This

1:10

mini course is what you

1:12

need to know about having a parent with BPD

1:14

and MPD before you're ready to set

1:17

boundaries . It's really easy

1:19

. It's a quick . That's

1:21

why I call it a mini course . There's a 15

1:23

minute video and a really short

1:26

workbook with a couple of worksheets

1:28

and a journal prompt in there to

1:30

help you really digest what it means

1:33

to have a parent with BPD or MPD

1:35

and to break down

1:37

what aspects of your own relationship

1:40

with your BPD or MPD parent or

1:42

your parent who has BPD or MPD

1:45

traits , what aspects

1:47

of those personality disorders

1:49

come into play in your

1:51

specific situation and your

1:53

specific relationship . So head

1:56

on over to confidentboundariescom . You

1:58

can sign up for the community and

2:00

get access to it in the on-demand library

2:02

or , like I said , you can

2:04

purchase it directly for $29

2:07

, but it is a great

2:09

, really short , really quick

2:12

resource in

2:14

order to make sure you fully

2:16

grasp the complexities

2:18

of both of these disorders and how they

2:20

impact boundary setting and how they impact boundary

2:23

setting . So that

2:25

is something really exciting . What

2:27

else has been happening ? This week , I

2:34

released a bonus episode of the You're Not Crazy podcast where I talked about family

2:36

rules and family systems . So

2:39

if that's something that interests

2:41

you , definitely check

2:43

it out . My

2:48

free boundaries workshop is officially up and running on demand . If

2:50

you haven't already taken it , I definitely

2:53

encourage you to check it out . It is

2:55

less than an hour . I think it's about 45

2:57

or 50 minutes long and in

2:59

it I go through literally how

3:02

to set boundaries with a parent with BPD

3:04

or MPD . Everything that I'm talking about

3:06

today you can find at confidentfoundriescom

3:08

, but I'll throw the unique

3:11

links to everything in the show notes

3:13

as well . Let's dive into

3:15

today's episode . Today , I decided

3:18

to talk about what

3:20

it means when therapists

3:23

say we should all sit

3:25

with our emotions . Growing

3:27

up in a dysfunctional family , we didn't

3:29

talk about emotional intelligence

3:32

much . I imagine

3:34

your family doesn't either or if they

3:36

do that , it's very skewed

3:38

and misrepresented

3:42

. Something that people with

3:45

narcissistic personality

3:47

disorder love to do is to

3:49

take therapy words

3:52

and concepts and

3:54

completely misuse them in

3:56

an effort to manipulate other people . So

3:59

it's quite possible that emotional

4:01

intelligence was talked about quite often

4:04

as you were growing up , but just in a very

4:06

inaccurate and harmful way

4:08

. With

4:10

that said , I don't think any of us

4:12

grew up being taught how

4:14

to sit with our emotions , and I know , as

4:17

an adult , part of my own

4:19

healing journey has been how to

4:21

identify my own emotions

4:23

and process

4:26

them and regulate

4:28

them and learn to tolerate

4:31

them in a way that

4:33

is helpful and healthy . And

4:35

I know

4:38

for so long I would hear people

4:40

say okay , you should

4:42

just sit with your emotions or you need to sit with

4:44

your emotions , and my

4:46

immediate thought was what the fuck does

4:48

that mean ? What does that mean

4:51

? Sit with your emotions ? Okay

4:53

, I am unhappy . I

4:55

am really stressed out . I am overwhelmed

4:57

. I am sitting here like what

4:59

is supposed to happen . What is the purpose of

5:01

that ? I'm just going crazy . I

5:04

don't understand what this means and how

5:07

this is supposed to help at all

5:09

, and I

5:11

think it's a really complicated idea

5:14

. If you didn't grow

5:16

up with emotional

5:19

regulation , distress

5:21

, tolerance being modeled for you , I think

5:23

, if you didn't see your parents

5:25

working through their own

5:28

emotions in a healthy way , the

5:30

idea of sitting with your emotions and

5:32

having it be helpful sounds

5:34

insane . It sounds

5:36

completely crazy . So

5:40

what does it actually mean when therapists

5:42

say we should sit with our

5:44

emotions , you should sit with your emotions

5:47

. What does that mean ? I think it means

5:49

a couple of things . It means one

5:51

being able to identify

5:54

what you're feeling , your

5:56

different range of emotions . Being

5:59

able to say

6:01

not just I'm

6:03

feeling good or I'm feeling bad , or I'm feeling okay

6:06

but I'm feeling happy , I'm feeling bad , or I'm feeling okay but I'm feeling

6:08

happy , I'm feeling hopeful , I'm feeling

6:10

apprehensive , I'm feeling content

6:12

, I'm feeling cautious , I'm

6:14

feeling nervous . I'm feeling all

6:17

of these different things that we could be feeling

6:19

and then recognizing

6:22

in our bodies . How does

6:24

that physically feel for me ? Where

6:26

do I hold those emotions ? Am

6:29

I feeling a bit nauseous

6:32

? Am I feeling hot

6:34

and sweaty and clammy

6:37

. Am I feeling agitated

6:40

? Am I feeling fidgety

6:42

? Am I feeling prickly

6:45

? Am I feeling tense ? What

6:48

am I feeling in my body when I'm

6:50

experiencing different emotions

6:52

? And

6:54

after noticing those things

6:57

, how can

6:59

I allow my body , how

7:01

can I help my body move through

7:03

that emotion and move

7:05

through this , instead of trying

7:08

to shove it away or push

7:10

it away or make it go away ? That

7:13

really , at least when I'm

7:15

talking about sitting with your emotions

7:17

, that's the experience , that's the

7:19

process that I'm talking about . It's the

7:22

ability to identify

7:25

what it is that I'm feeling , to

7:27

recognize how I

7:29

hold that in my body and

7:32

to help myself move through

7:34

that emotion . And so

7:36

I want to break down those

7:38

three things today , because

7:41

my guess

7:43

is that a lot

7:46

of the listeners of this podcast would

7:48

also benefit from learning how to

7:50

sit with their emotions . I mean , everyone

7:53

would benefit from learning how

7:55

to sit with their emotions if they don't know how

7:57

to already . But my guess is , since

7:59

we have this commonality of dysfunctional

8:02

families amongst myself and

8:04

all of our podcast listeners , my

8:07

guess is many of you are probably

8:09

struggling with this too . So

8:11

, as far as emotion identification

8:14

goes , I think that

8:16

I recently talked about this on the main podcast

8:18

, but forgive me if I

8:20

did not . I'm going to repeat

8:23

it just in case I talked about this in

8:25

the community or on the bonus podcast

8:27

episode , because I want to make sure that everyone's

8:29

on the same page . When we're talking

8:31

about identifying our emotions

8:34

, there are a few things

8:36

that can be really helpful to figuring

8:38

out what it is that you're feeling

8:40

, because it's so easy

8:42

to be very black and white about I'm feeling

8:45

good , I'm feeling bad , I'm feeling good , I'm feeling bad , I'm

8:47

feeling blah , I'm feeling okay , I'm feeling

8:49

whatever . Those aren't emotions

8:51

. Those aren't very helpful things

8:53

to identify . They don't give us a lot

8:55

of information on how

8:57

we can help ourselves or why

8:59

we might be feeling a certain way . So

9:02

when you are working on getting

9:04

more in touch with your emotions

9:07

, a really helpful thing to do is to set

9:09

a timer to go off a couple of times a day

9:11

, maybe three to four and

9:14

just randomly , and do that for an entire

9:16

week . And every time that

9:18

timer goes off , I want

9:20

you to ask yourself what emotions

9:22

am I experiencing right now ? What

9:25

emotions are coming up for me ? Google

9:28

emotion identification chart

9:31

If you don't know

9:33

if all you can think is good

9:35

or bad , or happy or sad

9:38

, or if you can only think

9:40

of very basic emotions

9:42

. Google emotion identification chart

9:45

A chart will come up . There will be lots

9:47

of images . Click on any of them

9:49

, lots of different emoji faces

9:51

and that will give you an array

9:54

of emotion words to choose from . This

9:57

is so important because it's

9:59

really important to be able to identify

10:02

what you're feeling in order

10:04

to help yourself learn how to

10:06

manage your stress better

10:08

, how to help yourself when you're feeling flooded

10:11

. It's so important

10:13

to get more in touch with what it feels

10:15

like to experience different emotions

10:17

for you . It also is really

10:19

helpful when you're thinking about setting

10:22

boundaries , because it's really important

10:24

to know how the

10:26

status quo is really affecting

10:28

you emotionally and

10:31

if all you know is good or bad , that

10:34

doesn't give you a lot of information to

10:36

say what boundaries might be helpful

10:38

for me to set for my own mental

10:40

health and my own emotional well-being

10:43

. So , going

10:45

back , we are identifying

10:47

our emotions , okay , so

10:49

we've identified them right or we're working

10:52

on it . Number two is recognizing

10:54

where those emotions come

10:56

up for us , how we hold them in our bodies

10:59

. This is really important , I

11:01

know for me myself . I

11:03

am super great at analyzing

11:06

everything from an intellectual

11:09

level . I am a deep thinker

11:11

, I've got lots of thoughts , I

11:13

can think through things very quickly

11:15

, I'm a very thoughtful person

11:18

, I am constantly thinking , my

11:20

mind is constantly going and

11:23

I'm very good at that . What I'm not good at

11:25

is experiencing

11:27

my emotions and sitting with them

11:30

, and that's because

11:32

of many reasons . One

11:34

I also have OCD , as I've talked about

11:36

on this podcast , so that definitely

11:39

makes it more challenging for me

11:41

to sit with my emotions . Number

11:44

two I grew up in a family

11:46

where I was consistently

11:49

and repeatedly told that my emotions

11:51

were wrong , that I was wrong

11:53

, that they were bad , that they were an inconvenience

11:55

, that they were intentionally inconvenient

11:59

or just plain wrong

12:01

, and that

12:04

creates this disconnect

12:07

between what our emotions are

12:09

and how we're holding those in our body . If

12:12

I am told throughout childhood

12:14

and growing up that what

12:17

I believe to be sadness is

12:19

wrong or it's not appropriate

12:21

for a given occasion , then

12:24

my brain's going to try to make sense of that and

12:26

figure out . Well then I

12:28

guess when I'm feeling this way , I

12:31

shouldn't be , or I'm not

12:33

, or whatever the

12:36

compensating strategy

12:39

is , it's going to come up with a new rule

12:42

that makes sense for

12:44

my given situation . So

12:46

, as an adult who's learning how

12:48

to sit with your own emotions , it's

12:51

really important to re-familiarize

12:54

yourself with how

12:56

different emotions feel for you in your body , how

12:59

you carry them , how you hold them

13:01

, how they impact you physically , and

13:03

so a really great way to do this

13:05

is when you're doing those

13:09

emotion check-ins throughout the day , doing

13:12

a quick body scan and starting

13:14

at your forehead and

13:17

working all the way down to

13:19

your fingertips and your toes

13:21

and just going body

13:23

part by body part how's my forehead

13:25

feeling , how's my jaw

13:27

feeling , how's my tongue feeling

13:29

, how's my neck feeling , my shoulders

13:32

, arms , legs , stomach

13:35

, chest , knees

13:37

Well , can you feel your knees ? I don't

13:39

know . I think you get my point though my calves

13:42

, my feet , my toes , my fingers

13:44

, really tapping into

13:47

all of these different parts of your

13:49

body and really just taking

13:51

note of how you're feeling there and

13:54

really trying to

13:56

recognize how you

13:58

yourself , as a person , experiences

14:01

the emotions that are coming up for you right

14:03

then . And then the

14:05

third part that I talked about helping

14:08

your body , helping yourself , move

14:10

through these emotions . A couple

14:12

of things are really helpful with this One

14:15

. It's super important to remember

14:18

that emotions themselves

14:20

are not a problem . Growing

14:22

up , your parents'

14:24

emotions were not the problem . It

14:27

was the way that they behaved

14:31

and reacted in response to those

14:33

emotions that was problematic

14:35

. It is still the way

14:37

that they respond to and

14:40

react to their emotions that either

14:42

is or is not problematic . It

14:44

is not the emotions themselves that

14:46

are dangerous . It is oftentimes

14:49

the way people process

14:52

or avoid their emotions that are

14:54

harmful . So

14:56

it's really reminding yourself

14:58

that it is not bad

15:01

or dangerous for you to experience

15:04

distressing emotions , whether that's

15:06

anger , rage , sadness

15:09

, guilt , all of these things . These

15:11

are all parts of being human and

15:14

while they can be really distressing

15:16

emotions to feel , they're

15:18

not dangerous to feel . Also

15:22

, it's reminding yourself

15:25

that no emotion

15:27

can last for forever . I

15:30

could not be hysterically

15:33

upset right now

15:35

and five

15:37

years from now be that

15:39

same level of hysterically

15:41

upset . It's just not possible , it's

15:43

not humanly possible , to maintain

15:46

that intensity of that emotion

15:48

for years

15:50

. It's just not . And so I

15:52

think really reminding

15:54

yourself that emotions

15:56

do come and go in waves , even

15:58

though when you're dealing

16:01

with a tremendous amount

16:03

of stress and trauma , it feels

16:05

like it lasts forever On

16:08

a minute-to-minute level

16:11

. That's not true , and

16:14

a lot of sitting

16:16

with our emotions is really teaching

16:19

ourselves how emotions work

16:21

and what is

16:23

a myth that we believe about

16:25

emotions and what is the reality ? Is a myth that

16:28

we believe about emotions

16:30

and what is the reality ? Also

16:37

, really , going into that self-compassion of if I'm feeling really panicky

16:39

right now or really agitated , can I get up and go grab a drink

16:42

of water , can I take

16:44

a few deep breaths , can I go outside

16:46

, can I help my body

16:48

ground and calm

16:50

and recognize

16:53

that I'm safe right now

16:55

, even though emotionally I don't

16:57

feel like I am ? It's

17:00

really showing yourself that

17:02

compassion and kindness and

17:04

taking the time and exerting

17:07

the energy into helping

17:09

yourself feel more grounded

17:11

and capable of sitting

17:13

with and moving through that emotion . So

17:17

, in a nutshell , sitting

17:19

with your emotions is

17:21

something that takes

17:23

practice and effort , but

17:26

it is completely doable

17:28

. All

17:30

you have to do , all you have

17:32

to do . That makes it sound

17:34

so easy . It's not , but what

17:38

to do is to identify

17:41

your emotions , check in with

17:43

your body , notice where you're feeling them

17:45

and then offer yourself compassion

17:48

and help yourself

17:50

move through them . With

17:52

that said , that is our episode for today

17:55

. Again , you can find me

17:57

over at the Confident Boundaries online community

17:59

, over at Instagram , at Tori

18:02

at Confident Boundaries , and

18:04

make sure to check out the show notes for links

18:07

to everything I mentioned at the top

18:09

of the show . Thanks so much , you guys

18:11

. I'll see you next week . Thanks

18:13

so much for joining me for another episode

18:15

of You're Not Crazy . If you like the podcast

18:18

, please leave a review and rate us five

18:20

stars . It helps so much and

18:23

make sure to check the show notes for links

18:25

to bonus podcast episodes and other

18:27

ways I can help . See you soon .