0:01

Dungeons & Daddies, not a BDSM podcast,

0:03

is hitting the road this summer from

0:05

May 31st through June 14th. We're

0:08

due in part two of our US Live tour.

0:11

I can't hope that the name for this

0:13

one is called The Areas Tour.

0:15

Very good. Dungeons & Daddies, The

0:17

Areas Tour, feet Taylor Swift. We're

0:19

hitting the road again, Midwest and

0:21

East Coast states on sale, tickets

0:24

are available now. We're starting up

0:26

in St. Paul, Minnesota. We'll go

0:28

to Milwaukee, Chicago, Indianapolis, Detroit, Pelham,

0:30

Tennessee, Atlanta. New York, Philadelphia and

0:32

Boston. Wow. More info on our

0:34

website, dungeonsanddaddies.com/ live. Dungeons

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We'll learn more. Dungeons

3:27

and Daddies is brought to you this week

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by Greenlight. As your kids get older, some

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Freddy. Oh, okay. I'm pooping myself right now.

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You're pooping right now. I'm not even a

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kid anymore. Well, other things are difficult, like

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Very exciting. It's a big famous venue. Hope to

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is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grownups.

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Content warnings can be found in the episode

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description. Thanks

5:57

for watching.

6:09

Welcome to Dungeons & Daddies, not a

6:11

BDSM Podcast Season 3! Bum

6:13

bum bum bum. Third time and

6:15

so still not a BDSM Podcast. Still not a

6:18

BDSM Podcast. Wait for number four and we would

6:20

like to present to you all the

6:22

Peachieville Horror. A Call of Cthulhu,

6:24

actual play horror comedy podcast about

6:27

four everyday schmoes fighting the forces

6:29

of darkness in suburban 1950s America.

6:34

This season is helmed by none other

6:36

than William Smith. William Smith?

6:38

William Smith? William Smith? William

6:40

Smith is here. I gotta do a whole thing. Wait, Will

6:43

Campos from Dungeons & Daddies? What? Will

6:45

Campos from Dungeons & Daddies? Let's welcome to the

6:47

podcast Will's Dungeons & Daddies. Wow.

6:51

Okay, so Anthony and Will, have you

6:53

done your good luck transfer smooch?

6:55

Yeah, we touched our dicks. Oh. Smooshed

6:57

them into each other. I see. What do

6:59

you mean? Yeah, we docked. We docked

7:01

a little bit. Docked, okay. I get that.

7:04

Well you smooch first and then you docked. And you gotta

7:06

make lightsaber noises, like when they lock up. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

7:08

I like that. I like how your spaceship sounds. Yeah. Yeah,

7:11

yeah. My name is Freddy Wong. My

7:14

name is Freddy Wong. I play and

7:16

I know everyone. My wife is in the middle of a

7:18

world. Are we going to introduce ourselves even before we introduce

7:20

the world? Yeah, we're doing our normal thing. Oh, right. Okay,

7:23

I don't know. I'm just, this is so exciting. I

7:25

just don't know. I'm just, okay. Yeah, let's go for

7:27

it. I'm just going to make a debated breath as

7:29

to what the next Freddy Wong character will be. And

7:32

I'm pleased to report the smoke is coming out of the

7:34

smoke snacks and we can announce the fight to the hook

7:36

away. The smoke has finally

7:39

appeared as thousands around the world wait

7:41

for my new character. I would like to introduce

7:43

all of you in this room and you

7:46

listening at home to the

7:48

newest Freddy Wong character, Tony

7:50

Collette. Love it. Love it.

7:53

A fast talking used car

7:55

salesman with a heart of gold. I'm

7:57

coming up with that as we go. Throwing

8:01

out weeks of prep over here to accommodate

8:03

this new heart of gold this character has. Like,

8:05

where you planned the intro about his character

8:07

and then just winging the- That, I mean, needs

8:09

you to shut the fuck up. This

8:12

week's peachy fact about Tony Collette, Tony spelled

8:14

T-O-N-Y, by the way, called Cthulhu, for those

8:16

of you who are unfamiliar, is the system

8:18

where you have a lot more, like, specific

8:21

skills that you can have. And we'll get

8:23

into the sort of way the system differs

8:26

from D&D in a second, but I just

8:28

wanted to point out that when you're making

8:30

a character sheet, you can add, like, skills

8:32

that you add points to. Most of the

8:34

time you start with one, one percent, skill.

8:36

Under theoretical physics and relativity, Tony Collette has

8:38

a two. Interesting. Because Tony Collette once attended

8:41

a scientific lecture given by

8:43

none other than a Mr. Einstein. Wow!

8:45

And he left it being like, I

8:47

think I understand relativity a little more.

8:49

And he did, but not much. That's

8:51

why there's a two. Curved like the

8:53

beautiful hubcap of a 1957 Chevy. Exactly,

8:57

exactly. Hey, everybody. My name is

8:59

Matthew Arnold, and for this wonderful

9:01

season, this peachyville season, I am

9:03

playing Kelsey Grammer. Ha! I'm

9:06

peachyville's happiest and snappiest school mom.

9:08

Just kidding. I'm here to help,

9:10

because your kids are the future,

9:13

and I'm gonna be there. Wow!

9:15

There you go. Wow! Little fact, you see,

9:17

I planned that one. I wrote it down. I did my

9:20

work. Happiest and snappiest. The first

9:22

peachyville fact for Kelsey is

9:24

that, look, she loves to teach. She

9:26

kind of teaches the group of like kindergarten,

9:28

first, second, and third grade. She's got a

9:30

lot of kids under her belt. And her

9:32

big goal in life, what she's trying to

9:35

do is that she's not really happy with

9:37

Encyclopedia Britannica. She finds it very, uh, dull

9:39

and kind of British-centric. And the world book

9:41

is frankly just not available at peachyville, despite

9:44

her desire to get it there. So she's

9:46

decided to embark on her own Encyclopedia that

9:48

she's writing to make it accessible and fun

9:50

for children. And right now she

9:52

is just on the letter B, as she's been

9:54

doing it for about seven years. Wow! So she

9:56

got speed up as she can make it before she dies, but

9:58

she's on B. The kids know a lot about

10:01

letters A to B, but it's a good

10:03

chunk of knowledge. Now has she had to go back

10:05

into A to do new developments in

10:07

A? Like, I don't know, atomic energy. The

10:09

atomic bomb has, she has unit

10:11

on that one. So she's just like bomb, comma, atomic,

10:13

there. There's been

10:16

some shortcuts here and there. One reason it takes

10:18

so long is that she's very hands-on. So she

10:20

doesn't write something down unless she's experienced it and

10:22

done it and learned it herself. Interesting.

10:24

Yeah. So can't wait till we get to

10:26

S, you know what I mean? Wink, wink. That's sex. Oh.

10:31

She's waiting until her second. She's waiting till

10:33

marriage. I'm saving myself for S.

10:37

We're all staring at Anthony, just daggers. Should it

10:40

be me? Well, that's when Will was. He's taking

10:42

his spot. Okay. I'm Anthony Burch.

10:44

He's not even cold yet. Will never used

10:46

to pause before he went. I'm

10:48

Anthony Burch, a player for the first time. Yay!

10:50

My job will be to play a character and

10:52

wish that Will is not as good as I

10:54

am. That'll be

10:57

my full-time job. I am playing Francis

10:59

Farnsworth, the most bullied kid in PG-Ville.

11:02

And his PG-Ville fact is

11:04

his favorite root beer float

11:06

flavor is strawberry because he is

11:08

a soda jerk and that's what he recommends

11:10

is a scoop of strawberry ice cream. And

11:12

his least favorite is saliva because Shane, the

11:15

local football player, made him drink a smoothie

11:17

made out of saliva and ice cream after

11:19

a nice bullying session. After school. He got

11:21

a hand to Shane though. He was saving

11:23

that up for weeks. Your body makes about

11:25

six cups of saliva a day. He

11:27

was really dead in here. You could have

11:29

just made that work. I'm over here like

11:31

a mastiff just salivating

11:35

at my chance to go. Okay.

11:37

Hi, my name is Beth May

11:39

and I play Trudy Trout, doting

11:42

wife, homemaker, and mother of 2.5 beautiful

11:45

children. Fun fact,

11:47

PG-Ville fact about Trudy, she

11:49

makes pancakes perfect every time.

11:52

Wow. No dog waffle for her.

11:54

Nope. Just quick pause because I already fucked up. I

11:57

already fucked up this whole season now. Anthony, what grade are you in? I'm 16.

11:59

I'm in. 10th grade. Okay, now you're in high school. Yeah, nevermind.

12:01

We won't do that. I'm your teacher then. Well, nevermind. I'm

12:03

like, I'm younger then. No, no, no. I could also be

12:06

that I was your teacher at one point. That's actually better.

12:08

Yeah. Like, yeah, you were such a good student. What happened

12:10

to you? You used to do

12:12

the bowling. Hello, everyone. My name is Will

12:14

Campos and I'm your Daddy-O master. Could that

12:16

be it? I feel

12:18

like everyone's in response to you with

12:20

hey, hey, hey, guys, let's flexuralize and

12:23

objectify Will just like we did Anthony.

12:25

What's up, Daddy-O? Today,

12:27

Daddy, I'm a new Daddy-O those

12:29

jeans dude. It's all looking tight from

12:31

head to toe. You're my big Papa. Thank

12:33

you, Matt. Will's rock in his denim. My

12:35

denim on denim. More than Canadian ducedo. I've

12:37

always wanted a new dad and I got

12:39

one. My

12:44

peachy fact today is that your body is

12:46

home to millions of foreign bacterial species. According

12:48

to new research, your mouth has more bacteria

12:50

living in it than there are human beings

12:52

on Earth. In fact, there are more foreign

12:55

cells or bacteria and fungi in your colon

12:57

than human cells in your whole body. It

13:00

does. It really takes a village, everybody. That might

13:02

come up or not. Kelsey's pretending to be interested,

13:04

but she already learned bacteria because there's a bee.

13:06

There's a bee. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So she's like,

13:08

oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've already experienced bacteria. I

13:10

know all I need to know about it. So

13:18

we are playing Call of Cthulhu, which is a

13:20

classic of the TTRPG. Classic for us as well.

13:22

And a classic for us as well. This is

13:24

the same system we use in Mountains of Dadness,

13:27

which some of you may have listened to. This

13:29

is a horror based game. Dungeons and Dragons is

13:31

much more about combat and spells and stuff like

13:33

that. I mean, not the way we play it,

13:35

but you know, this is a game that's all

13:37

about investigating and discovering super spooky things that go

13:39

bump in the night. The way that the dice

13:42

rolling works in this game is a little different

13:44

from D&D. Instead of it being a D20 system,

13:46

this is a D100 system. So

13:49

most of the time when you're trying to

13:51

do something, you've got points that are put

13:53

into various skills, and that is your percentage

13:55

out of 100. And

13:57

what your goal when you roll is, is... that

14:00

you're trying to roll under that percentage. So

14:02

the higher your number, the better your chances

14:04

are of success. But if you roll above

14:07

your number, you will fail your roll. So

14:09

it's like the golf of TTRPGs. You want

14:11

a low number when you roll. It's just

14:14

as terrifying, non-euclidean, scary as golf. That's right.

14:16

So for example, I have here electrical repair

14:18

as at 40. If I want to

14:20

succeed in electrical repair. So yes, if your

14:22

three channel television breaks down right in the middle of I

14:24

Love Lucy, and you want to see what happens, and if

14:26

Lucy is going to get that trophy off of her head

14:28

or not, you would roll electrical repair. And your

14:31

goal would be to roll under a 40. Got

14:33

it. And we can explain the rest of

14:35

the rules as they come along. There's some other little bits

14:37

and bobs and razzle dazzle that we'll explain as we keep

14:39

moving. The low number is good. Low, good, high, bad. Natural

14:41

one in this case, the best. Yes,

14:43

actually that's a critical. Natural 100. Very

14:46

bad. Fuck. You die in some

14:48

areas. And you die in real life. Back in real life. Nice.

14:53

The year is 1950 XX. The

14:56

town is Peachyville, Nebraska. Just

14:59

another hunky dory nifty 50s small town on the rise

15:01

in post-war America. Everything in Peachyville is

15:03

just Peachy. The lawns are green. The fences

15:06

are picketed. The skirts are poodle. And the

15:08

cars are big and long and thick and

15:10

powerful as the American dream itself. I like

15:12

the sound of that. Looking

15:15

around this Peachy community, it's hard to believe that

15:17

10 years ago, it was nothing but a blighted

15:20

stretch of abandoned farmland until eccentric real estate mogul,

15:22

Jimmy J. Stubbe, looked out upon it and

15:24

had a vision. A vision of a

15:26

thriving integrated suburb where any man of

15:28

any color or creed could put his

15:30

family in a home, his car in

15:32

a garage, and his wife in a

15:34

kitchen. And so life in Peachyville has

15:36

gone peacefully and peachily on for more

15:38

than a decade. But tonight, it's all

15:40

about to change for strange things, ancient

15:42

things, slumber in the shadows of Peachyville,

15:44

and foul deeds, even fouler than heavy

15:46

petting and beet poetry are afoot to

15:48

awaken them. But fuck all

15:50

that, it's time to bowl, baby. Yeah,

15:53

yeah, yeah, yeah. At the Peachyville Lane,

15:55

the bi-monthly Bolarama Bowl and Bowl has

15:57

reached its climactic final frame. Seven-time winners,

15:59

the true bowl. Believers sponsored by the

16:01

Peacheeville Brotherhood of Bisons have racked up another

16:03

impressive score and seen points to clench the

16:05

trophy. The only thing standing in their way

16:07

is a ragtag collection of late entrants thrown

16:10

together into a team that somehow hung in

16:12

there all the way to the final role

16:14

of this match. So first question, you guys

16:16

are on a bowling team, what's your bowling

16:18

team name? I

16:22

like guttural scream. So the team

16:24

members of guttural scream walked you

16:26

with baited breath as Francis

16:28

Farnsworth steps up to take his last role,

16:30

he needs a 9 or a 10 to

16:33

make this last strike and win this trophy.

16:35

How's Francis feeling right now? So Francis is

16:37

feeling about as nervous as nervous can be

16:39

because Francis desperately wants to be looked at

16:41

as anything other than a loser, anything other

16:44

than the complete dweeb that he has been

16:46

marked as since high school began. And if he

16:49

can just get a 9 or a 10, then

16:51

maybe he'll be one step close to getting the

16:53

respect in the eyes of generally everybody in Peacheeville,

16:55

but most importantly, the girl he has a crush

16:57

on, Carly, who he joined the bowling team in

16:59

the first place to have something to do with

17:01

her. Where's Carly work? Work. Where's

17:03

Carly work? Carly, is she in the room? Is she

17:06

watching? Is Carly in the room with us now? Is

17:08

Carly in the room with us now? I think so.

17:10

Yeah, no, Carly's here. Come Canada. Come Canada. She's

17:12

sipping a malt, there's a second straw in it,

17:14

who's that second straw going to be for? Who

17:16

knows? Wow. She's doubling it. Yeah,

17:19

she's like, I might have to double straw another malt in

17:21

my life. But

17:24

she's casting a glance over your way because again, this is the

17:26

climactic final frame of the match. This is

17:28

the sitting area Tony Collette's going to offer. Francis.

17:31

What? You stand up a little bit straight and stick your

17:33

finger in the holes. Okay. You're into

17:36

the holes. You got to make sure you really

17:38

hunk it. But it's my, I'm already up to

17:40

the knuckle. You keep going. Second knuckle. The

17:42

hole. Well, my finger's stuck now. It's

17:45

not going to come off. Well, Francis, you've always been such

17:47

a good sports. Just do your best. Hey, hey, look at

17:49

me. What? When

17:51

I taught you in kindergarten, first grade, second grade,

17:53

third grade and fourth grade. And let's be honest,

17:55

you got held back. So fifth grade too. You

17:57

always. When

18:00

you put your mind to something you could do it. I got help

18:02

that just because I wanted to stay with you longer I know I

18:05

am everyone's favorite teacher the curse I got

18:07

a bear but give it a shot all

18:09

right here. We go Francis if you send

18:11

this one home I got a special discount

18:13

for you at the lot for maybe

18:15

you and your bow later So add

18:18

that to your list of pressures The

18:21

ball is round and you can

18:23

roll it Okay,

18:26

thank you mrs. Trout Kelsey writes

18:29

that in her notebook round So

18:33

here's how I thought we would do this this

18:35

all was inspired by me realizing that like

18:37

hey the d10 has 10 sides And there's 10

18:39

things so what I'm thinking is Anthony's gonna

18:41

roll a d-tat at these 10 bowling at these

18:43

10 bowling Francis needs

18:45

a 9 or 10 to knock down 10 pins What

18:48

I was thinking is you guys

18:50

could each make a skill check

18:52

to inspire Francis and then he will

18:54

get one more dice to roll and then that gives

18:56

him a bigger chance of getting an energy Okay, okay,

18:58

but if you fuck up and do a shitty job,

19:00

then he'll be demoralized Then you won't get a chance

19:02

to do it do we get a choice of what

19:04

we're rolling for here Absolutely because I feel like by

19:06

nagging him subtly and enticing him with a rental car

19:09

that he'll be able to smooch his missus in That's

19:11

a psychology role for me Okay, you know because

19:13

I'm using the mind of the teenager something that

19:16

Tony's quite familiar with seeing as he sells and

19:18

rents Most of his cars to teenagers with it

19:20

also psychology when you were telling him to finger

19:22

blast the bowling ball by getting his fingers In

19:24

there deeper exactly exactly awaken his inner masculinity Can

19:32

I roll persuade them yes, you can't

19:34

okay, so I'm gonna roll for psychology

19:37

which I have I

19:40

rolled a 92 very bad. Yeah, you're trying to

19:42

roll Right, yes call it cuz you

19:44

you're trying to roll under your score and you got a

19:46

night and I got a 92 Can

19:48

I roll persuade them? Yes, you can't which I have a

19:50

55 teacher and I got 45 So

19:53

you do have canceled each other out

19:55

nice. I'm a true charm and

19:57

I got a 2 That's

20:00

an extreme success. Trudy is charming. So if

20:02

you roll one feather lower under your skill

20:04

level, that's an extreme success. What is your

20:06

skill level? So yeah. And

20:09

you got a two? So that's a critical success. Which

20:12

I think means AFNE gets an extra dice because it

20:14

was a critical success. Oh my gosh. So I get

20:16

three dice? So now you're at three dice. Okay, three

20:18

dice. Trudy says, the ball

20:21

is round. And if

20:23

I didn't already have 2.5 children, I'd

20:27

be happy to welcome you into my

20:29

home. Francis, while trying

20:31

to puzzle over what the ball is round

20:33

means, does actually

20:35

get a little bit of inspiration from the idea

20:37

that Trudy would take him in as a child

20:40

because his parents aren't overly fond

20:42

of him. And the idea

20:44

of having a mom who loves him and can comment

20:46

on whether things are round or not is appealing to

20:48

him. Yes, you'd have a mother who loves

20:50

you. I can say the same about

20:52

your father because Tucker is awful strict.

20:58

Okay, so Anthony, right as you go up to roll, one

21:01

more hand lands on your shoulder and it's

21:03

the 12 year old hand of Britannica Blue,

21:05

girl detective. She's a local celebrity

21:08

and she's got a bit of moxie to her, a bit

21:10

of sass to her, her hair is in a ponytail with

21:12

a bright big bow. She says, Francis. Bebe. Yeah,

21:14

that's me, Bebe, Britannica. I just want you

21:17

to know that we're all counting on you

21:19

and in the words of Jon

21:21

Stewart Mill, Amanda has nothing to fight for. The

21:23

Daily Show Guy. No,

21:27

the founder of liberal thought and one of

21:29

the molding men of the enlightenment era for

21:31

which this country, our beautiful country, the United

21:33

States of America was created. He

21:35

once said that a man who has nothing for

21:37

which he's willing to fight, nothing which is more

21:39

important than his own personal safety is a miserable

21:42

creature and has no chance of being free unless

21:44

made and kept so by the exertions of better

21:46

men than himself. Do you have something to fight

21:48

for, Francis? Francis very quickly takes

21:50

a glance at Carly and then looks away

21:52

before she can notice him looking at her

21:54

and he goes, oh, yeah. Then

21:57

roll, God damn it. And she kicks

21:59

you in the leg. You said god damn it, the worst

22:01

curse anyone can say is everything! The

22:03

hush falls over the- Did you hear that? Did

22:05

you hear the fall, but the detective though, the

22:07

kid detective gets away with it. She got a

22:10

47 on her history roll to pull that John

22:12

Stuart Mill quote and she has a 50 in

22:14

history. I don't need to tell any of you

22:16

this, you did a good job! This

22:18

is privilege information. You now have the

22:21

power. Is there anything you want to

22:23

say to yourself to inspire yourself? Okay

22:25

Francis, you can do this

22:27

probably for the first time in your life I

22:29

guess. You look at his scorecard and he has

22:31

done nothing but gutter balls in the entire time.

22:33

Yeah, it's been zeros, straight gutter balls and he's

22:35

got one chance. Specifically it's going to

22:37

be different, right? Like, it might not have got to

22:39

be common. What skill is Francis using

22:42

to inspire himself right now? Probably psychology. Psychology makes

22:44

sense. So I got a 29 which beats my

22:46

psychology score of 80. Oh, okay.

22:48

So yeah, give me 5 d10s

22:51

and tell me if you get a 9 or a 10. This is the

22:53

very last frame of the match. I got

22:55

a 2, a 5, a 10, a 10 and a 9. Oh

23:00

wow! Alright, if I didn't

23:03

have a boner before... Describe

23:05

this throw to me and then I'm going to

23:07

ask you guys for something. So Francis, for the

23:09

first time all night, instead of getting up really

23:11

close to the lane and using

23:13

both hands to sort of push it forward

23:15

very slowly, tries to do a full run

23:17

up and use one hand kind of motion.

23:20

But the ball sticks in his hands and it

23:22

slings him forward and he knocks his chin

23:24

on the lane but the jostling of his

23:26

chin and hand hitting the floor manages to

23:28

make the ball jostle loose and it goes

23:30

down and while Francis is bleeding from his

23:32

mouth, the ball does end up getting a

23:35

strike. In this wild, caroming motion, like it's

23:37

imparted like side spin to it. So it's

23:39

like a perfect curve. Yeah, like

23:41

twist. It's got, yeah, it was just a beautiful throw. A real

23:43

who do you think you are, I am kind of throw. And

23:48

why don't you guys all give me a spot hit and it's

23:50

your sort of go to skill for a lot of stuff in this game. It's

23:52

kind of a passive perception. 76,

23:54

but I needed a 25 so I failed. Tony Collette was knee deep in

23:56

the drink. Always observant, Kelsey

23:58

Grammer pass was fine. colors okay I

24:01

fail because I'm too busy attending

24:03

to his chin I have such

24:05

a high score in first a

24:07

mystery is coming out of his

24:09

chin phrases what did you get

24:15

I got a 32 out of 25 so

24:17

I failed Kelsey you're the only one to

24:19

see this as you watch

24:21

this amazing throw you can't help but

24:23

glance to the side over to your

24:26

competitors table the true believers and

24:28

you see a smirking buddy bets

24:30

owner of the local electronics store

24:32

bets by electronics I

24:36

rival there to your rifle yes

24:38

Brian strikes Mitchell Brian

24:41

sorry what Brian strokes Mitchell is can Winston

24:43

come on will oh okay all

24:45

right you

24:48

see Brian Stokes Mitchell is can win

24:50

then who's the raiser soldier and

24:52

I'm healthy grammar so my right

24:54

this phrase your lord I didn't think I

24:56

was gonna get out done on Fraser Lord

24:58

first but it was Brian the librarian Brian

25:01

the librarian yes Brian the librarian is also

25:03

there you see a smirking buddy bets

25:05

discreetly fiddling with what can only be described

25:07

as some sort of little gizmo like an

25:09

electronic gizmo and there's a ball hurdles

25:12

towards a strike but he twists

25:14

a knob on this gizmo hard to

25:16

the right then looks down at it

25:18

an alarm as it seems to have no

25:20

effect he looks around confused and gocks

25:22

half enraged half astonished and Britannica blue who

25:25

gives him a taunting smirk as she

25:27

discreetly holds up two little batteries that she's

25:29

apparently stolen from this guy's gizmo so

25:32

you see that and then perfect night

25:34

knocks it in the crowd goes wild

25:36

you're watching this absolutely amazing moment everyone's

25:38

losing their fucking minds Carly is swooning

25:40

and delight she was about to take

25:43

a double sip out of this moths

25:45

but then she kind of spins one

25:47

away Shane is seething in the corner

25:49

and the true believers do

25:51

not look happy they are both upset and

25:53

like a little afraid they're a little freaked

25:55

out it feels like they really really did

25:58

not want this to happen Phoebe Baby

26:00

dear what's that in your

26:02

hand? Oh, oh these? Oh, these are just you know,

26:04

these are batteries for my little dolly Brian and who's

26:07

the other guy buddy bets buddy Brian get over here.

26:09

Well, what do you mean? Don't act like you don't

26:11

know me. I taught you both get over here Buddy

26:19

who got his GED at the age of 30. I'm

26:21

49. I'm 49. He's an adult man She

26:31

walks over and says oh whoa, what seems to be

26:33

the congratulations guys good job. Good job on the game

26:35

Everybody did a great job. Yeah, your words say one

26:37

thing but your face says another mister. Put your hand

26:39

out Let me see what you got there's hand on

26:41

there's nothing in there. No, but I thought the little

26:43

weird thingy What I saw weird thingy,

26:45

sir. I I don't I don't know what that means

26:48

your kids a lie at school I know of course

26:50

man home cuz I don't teach them I don't Be

26:57

be what were you waving? I wasn't waving

26:59

anything honest. I know that I'm honest everybody

27:02

here You all

27:04

disappoint me the same of all of you.

27:06

I'll find out what's going on I would

27:09

you baby is going to go ahead and

27:11

take a sanity role For

27:13

hearing that her favorite teachers disappointed in her So

27:16

sanity is basically this game's version of psychic

27:18

damage You have a whole second set of

27:20

hit points that are like your sanity points

27:22

We won't get into much of the details

27:24

now But suffice it to say whenever you

27:27

see something spooky and non Euclidean and terrifying

27:29

or when your favorite teacher is disappointed in

27:31

you You lose a little bit of your

27:33

tenuous grip on reality. Okay, so

27:35

she loses three sanity points She's like, ah, cheaper

27:37

is miss grammar. You don't have to come down

27:39

so hard on me I got detective stuff going

27:41

on and sometimes a little discretion. I need a

27:43

little breathing room. Okay, I wasn't doing anything honest

27:45

Hey, I believe you question. Is you

27:47

believe yourself? I know Like

27:50

Kelsey, why would anybody lie? Oh well Trudy, um,

27:52

hmm Hmm

28:02

What about my husband? My husband's

28:04

on a different bowling league because

28:06

he wants me to be out of the

28:08

house between noon and two every Tuesday. I

28:11

don't know why. We know. I've had a lot of talks

28:15

with the kids about that too. So yeah. What are

28:18

you teaching them Matt? I've had a

28:23

couple of times I've covered. Oh,

28:25

cause A for affair. The

28:30

owner of the Bolarama bowling bowl,

28:32

Milton Friedman? Milton Friedman

28:34

owner of the Bolarama bowling bowl

28:37

comes over to you and says

28:40

I've just come up with a great new

28:42

economic theory based on how well you've been

28:44

rolling those rocks tonight. And here is a,

28:47

and again, he looks kind of nervous and looks a little

28:49

weird, but he's like, I guess I gotta go

28:51

along with here is a your trophy. Congratulations guys. I

28:53

have no choice, but to give this to you since

28:55

you won fair and square and everybody's watching. Wow.

28:59

This one's yours. I can't do heavy. Get your gal Trudy

29:01

to help you out. Hold

29:07

on. Wait. Yeah. Trudy. Carly.

29:12

Carly. Carly, get over

29:15

here. Yes. Francis wishes.

29:19

There's a voice. I fell in love with. Carly

29:24

takes out a hanger chip and dabs the blood off of

29:26

your chin. I feel like you have to roll not to

29:28

faint or something. Okay. Yes. Go for it.

29:30

I got a 58 out of what's that?

29:32

Would you say that is, I guess that's

29:34

constitution. And yeah, I have a 25 constitution. So I

29:36

go down. Oh no. Oh

29:39

my goodness. Oh

29:41

my goodness. Make sure you

29:44

tend to his fucking kid pass out. Oh

29:47

no, not because of the monthly river. Um,

29:49

I'll tend to him. I roll first aid.

29:51

I'm trying to get below

29:56

45. I got a 50. I fucked

29:58

up. Oh no. What are you doing? try to do?

30:00

I get my handkerchief and I like

30:02

move Carly's out of the way and

30:04

mine's far dained here. Do

30:09

you hate to see women pitted against each other?

30:11

You really do but I tap it

30:13

against Francis' chin. Little did I

30:15

know that my husband Tucker had

30:17

been blowing his microbe nose into

30:20

my handkerchief so now he's got...

30:22

There's a lot of bacteria in human bio.

30:24

Very much bacteria as we've discovered

30:26

recently and so you have

30:28

an illness. I'm

30:34

gonna have to flip through the tome for that

30:36

one later. While you're attempting to revive Francis, Milton

30:38

Friedman is like, seriously though do you guys... I'll

30:40

take the trophy as the team captain. I'd like

30:42

to make a little speech if that's alright. That

30:44

sounds great. So it's basically looks like one of

30:46

those big cheesy trophies you get for winning like

30:48

a... A giant block of cheese. A big

30:51

ol' hunk of cheddar.

30:54

Well, he came up with

30:56

a new style of improv. It's a trophy. Instead

30:58

of no but it's... Minced

31:01

maybe. He says it's a

31:04

big cheesy trophy. It

31:06

is unfortunately not a big chunk of cheese. It's like one of

31:08

those cups. You know like one of the trophy cups? They're called

31:10

a loving cup which I did not know. I had

31:12

to Google like you know the trophy cup

31:15

and like that's called a loving cup. It's

31:17

a big cup. Why's it called a loving

31:19

cup? I don't know because it's for lovers.

31:21

Why do you think we all have one

31:23

in our bathroom, dog? You have a big trophy. Yeah,

31:25

it was called... Every time I'm looking at my dick

31:28

I get to look at the award that it got.

31:31

Really quick, loving cup is because that's two handles

31:33

on the side. It's meant for like ceremonial wedding,

31:35

banquets or meeting, drinking, like a unity friendship. I

31:37

like the best idea better. Because you jizz in

31:39

it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well then you can use

31:41

both handles to drink from it. That was the original,

31:43

the band was called Limp Loving Cup. As

31:46

you hold up this big cheesy looking

31:49

not block of cheese gold loving cup, it's like

31:51

sitting on some plastic pillars. It's got a little

31:53

engraving on it. It's surprisingly heavy in your hands.

31:55

You would think from looking at it, it's like

31:58

kind of just a stupid little plastic. You

32:00

know, it's heavy. It's kind of cold. Like it's like kind

32:02

of hot in here because it's the middle of the day.

32:04

AC is on the fritz. But you swear you can see

32:06

condensation on this thing. Like it just came out of a

32:09

freezer. As you gaze into the

32:11

cup, shining gold, black or coating, you see a

32:13

grotesque mockery of your own face staring back at

32:15

you. Maybe it's just a trick of the

32:17

light, but you swear your reflection is smiling at you.

32:21

That's all. Well, who else wants to

32:23

hold this? What

32:26

does he need, Tony? Sure, I'll pick it up.

32:29

Yeah, here, so enough. I get the foul visage.

32:31

Oh, Kelsey, we couldn't possibly. Both of you. Possibly

32:33

what? Oh, you know. You want to hold it

32:35

with me? No, I couldn't possibly. I mean, well,

32:37

I suppose if

32:40

Tucker is not around, I might

32:42

lift up the trophy as well on three.

32:46

Sure. One, two,

32:48

three. We both lift

32:50

it up. OK, same goes. It's really cold and heavy

32:52

in your hands. You see a weird freaky reflection

32:54

of yourself. And then I think maybe, Trudy, you

32:56

feel like a little bit of power that you've never

32:59

felt before. Like you feel a little bit of

33:01

like you're seeing this version of yourself in this reflection

33:03

and she's scary looking and distorted and strange. But like

33:05

there's something compelling about her as she gave it into

33:07

your eyes. My my, is that what I

33:09

look like? This winning is

33:11

wonderful. When I joined the bowling club, I didn't think

33:13

we would actually win something. It

33:16

was great. Well, we're all winners. Yeah, Francis,

33:18

wake up. Oh, you just hit your chin.

33:20

You can wake up. Yeah, I'm sorry. I

33:22

just feel like I lie ahead. There's nothing

33:24

to be embarrassed about. Just get up. You're

33:26

good. That came up. Yeah. Well, that's what

33:28

you got it. Yeah, you might see a

33:30

weird face of yourself. So why like,

33:32

it was pretty neat. Oh,

33:34

oh, geez. That guy was confident. So

33:39

the check of the light. Well, it looks like he

33:41

has a cool mustache. I haven't gone to mirrors or

33:43

reflections yet, but from what I remember, it's just a trick of

33:45

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Dungeons and Daddies is brought to you this

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you bike ride when you were like out

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of the summer or would you just bake?

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like bike riding age and yeah, we would just

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Yeah. It's a really good busy

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the best code we've gotten so far. That's

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37:51

summerdaddies. One

37:54

word, summerdaddies. the

38:00

rest of the day. Oh. Whoa. More

38:02

bowling. What did they

38:05

do after they done bowling? We could go to my soda

38:07

shop and I could get malts for everybody. Oh,

38:09

I like that. I always love a good mal. Let's

38:11

go get malts. Malts. I'm really proud

38:13

of myself. All I tell myself when I bowl is just

38:15

get above my age and it's gonna get harder every year,

38:18

but I broke it. I got above a 49. I

38:21

love bringing that bowling score sheet was

38:23

like everyone was horrible to mediocre and

38:25

then like bebe, just like rolling fucking

38:27

dingers. It's just like X's and slashes

38:30

all the way across the board. I feel like

38:32

Trudy rolls nothing but strikes. I feel like Trudy

38:34

is like, is mechanically falling. Trudy does roll really

38:36

well. Yeah, like her body moves like super precise.

38:38

Yep. Well, as long as I'm home

38:40

by 3 p.m. sharp, I can go get a soda,

38:42

I suppose. It is like 4.30. Oh

38:46

my goodness. I

38:49

should be home. All right,

38:51

as the four of you race out of the

38:53

parking lot, you either run home to your husband

38:55

or go get a nice cool malt. I believe

38:57

it's the jerk shop. Is that what it's called?

38:59

Yeah. While you're heading out the

39:01

door, you see four tuffs

39:04

hanging out by your car. Looking

39:07

mean. Italians. Hey,

39:09

now watch yourself there. As far as worth, I happen

39:11

to be Italian myself. They were on the wrong side

39:14

of the world. I'll tell you what. Now

39:16

they're in our town. Now they're in our town.

39:19

I love their food, but don't much like their

39:21

faces. They're not like

39:23

this. I'm sorry.

39:27

You're teasing kids. Truly,

39:30

let me just say I'm glad that we've entrusted the

39:32

youth of America to your fine keeping. Kelsey,

39:34

we won't let this thing go. They

39:37

were problematic. Walk past them without

39:39

saying anything. They're just upset that

39:42

they lost the horse. 10

39:46

years on and the Italians still haven't let go. So,

39:50

everybody's welcome except Italians. That's a

39:53

tough answer. Yeah. As

39:58

you try to discreetly walk to your car, these... tops

40:00

roll up to you. They roll up in their

40:02

Mario cart. This

40:08

is an old fun backstory with these guys, they're

40:10

clearly Italian now. So they walk up to you

40:12

with these four hoods, they're all like 13 years

40:15

old and they're glaring straight at

40:17

Britannica. And he's like, oh gosh,

40:19

it's even worse than Italians. It's the

40:21

nightgots. Everybody hang back. I know these

40:24

guys from middle school. Are they Italian? I

40:27

don't know. One of them might be. But I don't

40:29

know which one. Let's wait to see when he talks. They always

40:32

give themselves away with the hands. So

40:34

these tops walk up to you guys and

40:36

they say, congratulations on the big

40:39

match. Well, thank you very much. You're all brought

40:41

in talking to you. Excuse

40:43

me. So that's the voice of their leader,

40:45

a salty young girl of about 13

40:47

years old named Molly McArthur, AKA the

40:50

general. She shall return. I don't listen

40:52

to anybody that young talking to me

40:54

like that. Just because you're sad and

40:56

upset that you're very good at your

40:58

face. I want to catch it. Oh,

41:01

I think that's an opposed role. So

41:03

yes, you can use your dexterity. Okay,

41:08

what'd you get? I wrote a 65 out of 60. Molly

41:10

got a 99. Yes, it's a

41:12

critical failure. So this 13 year old guy,

41:14

I think what happens is she flicks it

41:16

at your head like the butt bounces off

41:18

of your head into her mouth. Oh,

41:21

my God. Oh, I

41:23

need to set one thing straight. Now when a backhander,

41:25

talk to an adult, we just came back

41:43

fresh from defeating Hitler and the boy hero,

41:45

you know, in his Japanese dude, you're right.

41:48

You're right. I agree with Freddie because as

41:50

part of my fighting stats, I have spanking. Oh,

41:52

no, no, no, no, no, no. I

41:54

would like to take two steps forward and

41:56

then cock my right hand and backhand this

41:59

child's mouth. Alright, now she does

42:01

have... before you decide to throw arms down

42:03

on a 12 year old girl... You said

42:05

13! That's okay!

42:07

She is backed up by her goons, who are also

42:09

12. You think Tony

42:11

Collette, a man who has

42:13

fought World War II, cares!

42:16

Four children in a fucking parking

42:18

lot? He was clearing out

42:20

fucking caves and guadalcanals! What was

42:23

that Italian? Yeah, you don't know which one yet.

42:25

I guess my fists will do the talking.

42:27

I guess we're in combat. Somebody already just

42:30

slapped her. Okay, alright. Give

42:32

me a fighting brawl role. We'll call this a

42:34

surprise attack. Wouldn't be a surprise if you had

42:36

mouths off! 88 for a 50, I whiff. And

42:40

then as my hand careens through nothing but air,

42:42

it spins my entire body around and it looks

42:44

like I do a cool Michael Jackson dance move.

42:46

And now all of a sudden I'm like just

42:48

combing my hair back as I spin back around.

42:50

I'm like, meant to do that. Yeah, so the

42:52

cute... I put my hand in front of her mouth

42:54

like when a teacher collects gum and I snap my

42:56

fingers to like get her to spit out the cigarette.

42:59

Molly grudgingly spits out her cigarette. And then I rewire

43:01

it. I go, don't waste these things or how good

43:03

for you. Oh! Now

43:07

you four take your shit! Now you four take

43:10

your cigarettes and go back home. No!

43:12

She snatches the cigarette back and says, listen,

43:15

that little girl Britannica Blue, she acts like a big

43:17

smarty pants, but I think she's a no good she.

43:19

Cause this match was supposed to be rigged and we

43:21

bet a bunch of money on it and we win

43:23

a money! And I think she had something to do

43:25

with it. Money? That's what men make. Britannica!

43:29

Did you rig this match in our favor?

43:31

Please. As if I would

43:33

defile the great spirit of America and

43:35

this nation by cheating at our most

43:37

honored game bowling. I was un-cheating this

43:39

game, good sir. Listen, as you all

43:41

know, I, Britannica Blue, Ace Detective, I'm

43:43

always working cases. I'm always looking the

43:45

angles. I got a tip that someone's

43:47

been rigging the bowling matches at this

43:49

bowling match. And sure enough, I

43:52

found evidence. I found an electromagnetic cable,

43:54

snakes down the gutter, that was ready

43:56

at the flip of a switch to

43:58

pull a ball of string. into the

44:00

gutter and ruin a role. And I saw

44:02

the opportunity to steal those batteries out and

44:04

save this match and that's what I did.

44:06

So you know what I say? We're

44:09

not going to be giving you anything. That match

44:11

was won by our good friend Farnsworth right here.

44:13

Mr. Francis Farnsworth won that fair and square and

44:15

he's a big strong adult and he can beat

44:18

you up. I sure can, he says, putting up

44:20

his dukes wimply. Yeah, that rest is all those

44:22

gutter balls wasn't your fault. Oh, no,

44:24

I didn't say they are my fault.

44:26

Well, yeah, yeah, that's exactly what happened. That's

44:28

what I'm getting from this. So Molly and

44:31

her goons are like, look, all I know

44:33

is we're out some dough and we want

44:35

something. So why don't you guys give

44:37

us that big shiny trophy and there won't be

44:39

no problems. You can have

44:41

it. Sure. All right. But I won that fair. This

44:46

one's yours. You guys decide what to do with it. Look, look,

44:48

look. Okay, here you go. I pulled my

44:50

reflection for the first time. Look, you can eat. There's

44:54

no mirrors in the house. I pull out four packs

44:56

of cigarettes. I say you can each have a pack

44:58

of cigarettes. That's enough. Okay. Make sure you smoke those

45:01

all before you go to bed. That's

45:08

very good. Get out of here. Give

45:10

me an advantage persuasion roll. Because the

45:12

kids love smokes. I give answers. Everyone

45:14

loves smokes. Winston's that's

45:16

the brand friend Flintstone smokes. It's

45:20

also the brand. My brother smoked. He

45:25

smokes. Lucky's now. I just barely, I got

45:27

64 out of 65. Oh, great. There's

45:29

an intense huddle as all the kids. Hand shaking

45:31

tobacco would draw clearly. I mean, we're out of

45:33

smokes. We're out of smokes at the clubhouse. How

45:36

can we shoot pool for Kansas and do smokes?

45:38

Come on. We don't need a trophy. Forget this

45:40

trophy. Come on. She's like, cool it. Okay. We got to

45:42

stick with the plan. We got to smoke these. Oh God.

45:44

I can think about is my next fix. My next

45:46

nicotine fix. Let's do it. Let's do it guys. And they

45:49

turn like, we'll take those smokes. And we'll let you keep

45:51

this trophy. What do we care about a

45:53

trophy? Yeah. Okay. I don't know a

45:55

trophy from nothing. All right. By the way, I

45:57

just heard that your clubhouse is not costly backless.

46:00

smokes, we can do it.

46:02

And I hand them an extra one to each

46:04

of you. Wow, you're alright, each! And

46:06

the nightgaunts run away, plumes of smoke following

46:09

them off into the night. You can always

46:11

smell them coming. I

46:15

feel like we jump ahead to like, you know, end

46:17

of the day, night time. Well bye everyone, I'm off

46:19

to my car dealership. Francis, come on

46:21

by with Carly afterwards and we'll hook you

46:23

up with a discount on a brand new

46:26

Edsel. I make minimum wage, I have like

46:28

$10 enough to buy two cars. Why

46:32

you could raise a family and have a home with a

46:34

front yard and a mortgage in the car with that kind

46:36

of money. Don't worry Francis, I have a new idea, it's

46:38

called rental cars. I got something

46:40

that will fit any size budget for you

46:42

and your best guy. Oh geez, driving somebody

46:45

around would be pretty impressive. So

46:48

the sun sets over Peachyville, night

46:50

is beginning to fall, the mulch

46:53

shops are closing, the other

46:55

1950s establishments are turning in for

46:57

the night, you know, the hardware

46:59

store, the bookstore that only has books

47:01

on apple pie and why America is good, the stars

47:03

are beginning to twinkle in the sky and I want

47:06

to get a sense of what home life is like

47:08

for all of you. Right around the 730,

47:10

8 o'clock hour, martini hour in

47:13

fact, for many cocktail slinging households.

47:16

At Kelsey Grammar's house, which is the back

47:18

house of her brother and sister, who she's

47:20

the eldest of the seven kids of the

47:22

Grammar household and you see she

47:25

turns on the TV and she's pulling on,

47:27

I don't know, the Donna Reed show. She's

47:29

just got some TV in the background. Donna.

47:31

Yeah, she's got just books everywhere. She opens

47:33

up her own encyclopedia she's working on. The

47:35

title keeps changing right now. It's the Kelseypedia.

47:37

She doesn't like it. She crosses it out

47:39

and she goes and she's flipping through. She's

47:42

looking at bowling. She has a little note,

47:44

round ball, very nice and then she

47:46

turns up the volume of the TV and

47:49

she fucking puts her dukes up and she turns around

47:51

and she starts boxing against this life. She's got like

47:53

a hanging one of those, you know. Oh man. Yeah,

47:55

she's boxing with shit out of it. Huh? A speed

47:57

bag? Speed bag. Oh wow.

48:00

and then as he's boxing, his boxing is

48:02

so fast that the page is blowing! And

48:06

where does it go? It blows to

48:08

the thing that he's working on! B-O-X-I-N-G,

48:11

boxing. That's the current thing he's developing.

48:14

Holy cow. While that's going on, give me a listen roll.

48:16

I got a 50, I got 28! Okay,

48:19

so that gives you here the knock at the door. What

48:22

do you want? Yes!

48:27

Nice job. Oh, it's me. You'd

48:30

have recognized the creepy voice of Milton, your

48:32

brother's oldest son, who's like a willowy wisp

48:34

of a young man who's always hanging around.

48:37

Oh, one second. Oh, Milton, he's such a

48:39

weird child. Okay, uh, yes. And

48:44

you open the door, I assume. No, hello. What

48:46

do you like? I'm in deep in. It

48:49

sounds like you're working up quite a sweat in there

48:51

and I brought a... Oh, a young man should not say that about

48:53

an older lady. It sounds like you're in

48:55

there and I wanted to come in and give you

48:57

something. Oh, um, hmm.

49:00

I'm going to lean out the side window. Oh,

49:03

the door's stuck. One sec. And

49:05

I go to the side window that's overlooking the front

49:07

door and I want to see if I can

49:09

see what he's holding. Okay, so Milton, who's got his button down

49:11

shirt button all the way up, he's got that middle part. The

49:16

old red sea dog, a straight up Moses special, dude. He's

49:21

got a fresh baked apple pie and a

49:23

big cold glass of milk. I just thought

49:25

that maybe you... She opens

49:28

the door the moment she sees the apple pie, she opens the

49:30

door. Oh, wow. Okay, yeah. Well, this is for you. Oh, thank

49:32

you so much. I know that apple's your favorite because you're

49:34

a teacher and teachers like apple. Pies are my jam. And,

49:37

um... And what's your jam? I

49:41

love jam. And I love jam. And

49:44

here's a big, big cold glass of milk because I thought

49:46

his hands were kind of shaking. Oh, um, okay.

49:48

Next time, I only want

49:50

pre-packaged drinks from you. I was just open.

49:58

I didn't take it. And I put it like... Oh, I'll

50:00

make sure to watch the five downloads. Oh, that's sure. Okay.

50:02

Okay, sure, sure, sure, sure. Thank you so much. It's

50:04

really nice of you. Thanks, Kelsey. I mean,

50:06

Mrs. Grammer. Yeah, Mrs. Grammer. That's

50:08

the proper way to say it. Okay, yeah. Okay. I'm just... Oh,

50:12

I'm going to go. And he turns around. Oh,

50:14

there was a... Someone came by

50:16

to see you. Oh, who was it? He

50:20

had a trench coat and a big hat on, and he said that you

50:22

owed him some money, and he said that I should let him know if

50:24

you came by, and he said to give you this, and he gives you

50:26

a business card. Wow. That sounds like... That

50:28

sounds like somebody that just walks around

50:30

and scares people for fun. Just

50:33

don't tell anybody what you saw, and everything's

50:35

fine. Thanks so much for the pie. You're

50:38

welcome. Okay, you

50:41

can leave now. Okay. You're staring straight at me. Okay.

50:46

I'm going to close the door. Thanks for the pie. Okay,

50:48

I'll stand here and watch out and make sure that guy doesn't come back.

50:50

Yeah, you know what? He probably will come from the front lawn. So why

50:52

don't you wait out there? Okay, I

50:54

will. Good night, Milton. Bye now.

50:56

I'll close the door. I look out the windows. You

50:58

still there? Did you lock

51:00

the door? Yes. Okay, I'm

51:03

leaving. And then he leaves. Okay. Let's

51:06

hop over to... Tell me about the living coordinates of Tony Collette. Tony

51:08

Collette lives in the back parking lot of Tony's. Cars,

51:12

cars, cars! Exclamation point. Each

51:15

one has like a... More exclamation

51:17

point. And this is Tony's used car

51:19

slash occasional new car dealership. He runs

51:21

on the edge of town and Tony

51:23

lives in a little rundown RV Airstream

51:26

situation out back. And he's right

51:28

now currently in a stained

51:31

tank top. Smoking a cigarette and

51:33

a cigarette and like a drink in one hand. A

51:35

real worn, bitty, good fellas kind of drink top. 100%

51:37

Freddie, it's the 50's. You can go on a wife's

51:40

dinner. Wow. That's

51:44

so good. That's so fucking good. I probably

51:46

cut that. No, keep it. And

51:50

he's kind of unsteadily because he's a little

51:52

bit soused. Aiming his Colt 1911 service

51:54

pistol. Had

51:58

some beer cans, had some pulled... Pulled

52:00

half beer cans and he's lined up

52:02

along a fence. In his RV? No,

52:04

outside. Outside. He's put a little

52:07

seating area for his RV, like a little lawn

52:09

chair. He's out there and he's just taking pot

52:11

shots. He's like, yeah. Alright,

52:14

give me a, what's your firearm skill?

52:17

With a pistol. Whatever you're shooting. What

52:19

are you shooting? Your Colt 1911. Your

52:21

Colt 1911. Colt. 20 with the

52:23

firearms on my handgun. Okay, so. They're not very good.

52:25

And you're drunk, so we'll say you have a penalty

52:27

dice. Okay, what's a penalty dice? It's like disadvantage. You'd

52:30

roll the tens unit twice and take the worst one. So roll

52:32

two D10s, one is your tens, one is your singles. I see,

52:35

I see. Well, I'll

52:37

tell you what, with a 44, that's a miss. So

52:40

he's not hitting anything. Okay. And

52:42

the gun jams, like, fucking, piece of shit. And

52:45

then you hear a window shatter. And then,

52:47

God damn it, Tony! You

52:51

hear just like angry footsteps coming over and just doo doo doo

52:53

doo doo. And it's your neighbor, Tyrus Luo, owner of Luo's Golden

52:55

Walk. The

52:59

local Chinese restaurant who Freddie insisted I play

53:01

as the rival of Tony Collette. He says,

53:03

God damn it, Tony! I told you to

53:05

stop firing guns around the whole neighborhood. You're

53:08

gonna wave people up? I almost got my

53:10

head blown off! Luo, how are you shifty

53:12

Formosa? How am I supposed to keep- He

53:15

calls Taiwan! No

53:17

one calls him Formosa anymore. You and

53:19

your crazy language. Y'all

53:22

call it what I want. The Portuguese got

53:24

one thing right. And that's- that's the

53:26

one they callin' out your asses. Listen

53:28

here. How am I supposed to keep

53:30

myself, my body, and my property safe

53:33

if I only keep my

53:35

firearm skills tip-top? You get out of the way.

53:38

You just duck your head when you hear this,

53:40

when you hear all fancy ears. I can't duck

53:42

until I hear the bullets. That's

53:45

how the speed- didn't you go to the thing on

53:47

relativity? But the bullet travels faster than the sound. By

53:50

the time I heard the gun shot, my window

53:52

was already shattered. I happen to know Mr. Einstein

53:54

pretty well myself, and I'll tell you he didn't

53:56

take too kindly to you, Formosan. I

54:00

keep telling you, we're both Americans. I know

54:02

that. My family's been here longer than your

54:04

family. I know that too. So I just,

54:06

can we, look, here's all I'm gonna say.

54:08

Yeah. Unless you want, we're

54:11

getting out about your war

54:13

record. So typical of your type

54:15

to threaten me with this black

54:17

man on a Tuesday night no

54:20

less. What you did- I should

54:22

have expected this. All right. You

54:24

always follow an old Chunk-I-Shrek sword.

54:28

Oh, General Chunk-I-Shrek. Might have a finger or two

54:30

to say about this time it's just you here.

54:32

I can't even begin to explain the number of

54:35

things there. Listen here. Listen here, Tyrus. I'll

54:37

keep sending the teens over there.

54:40

And you keep sending those teens over here.

54:42

We're good. We're square. And then if

54:44

at night I have to take a

54:46

few pot shots while I'm honing my

54:48

killer instinct, well, that's just something you're

54:50

gonna have to live with. I begrudgingly

54:52

have accepted that you send teenagers over

54:54

to the parking lot of my restaurant

54:57

to have discreet sex in your rental cars.

54:59

And I get a little kickback and I

55:01

appreciate that. But I can't have bullets flying

55:03

over my property. So unless you want people

55:05

to start- What unit was it that you

55:08

served in World War II in again? This

55:10

unit and I backhand him. Yeah.

55:15

I'm back roll. Oh, a 13 out

55:18

of 50, which means that I succeed. Yeah, he

55:20

did not roll that well. So yes, you crack

55:22

him one right across the face. He says, that

55:25

cares it. This isn't over. Damn right. It's a

55:27

good thing I have a gun. Well, you're just

55:29

gonna see what maybe I have to one of

55:31

these days, one of these days, Tony, one

55:34

of these days and he stomps off. Yeah, I

55:36

love that guy. That's

55:39

a true blue American right there. That's

55:43

a man I probably call my American neighbor.

55:46

Let's jump over to the trout household.

55:48

Okay. Trudy has made

55:50

a lovely four course meal. It's

55:52

getting a little cold now because

55:55

nobody eats until Tucker comes home

55:57

from his job at Inventor. inventor

56:00

and so Trudy's lovely 2.5 children are

56:02

sitting eagerly around the table

56:09

waiting to eat that

56:11

little tuck Tina and

56:13

and Timmy yeah talk that

56:15

Tina and Tina is to the

56:17

point five how is he

56:19

point five well not nobody really cares about

56:22

Timmy so little

56:24

talk is like Jeepers mom I sure am hungry

56:26

and that part looks delicious I know

56:28

little talk but we've got to

56:30

wait until big tucker gets home

56:38

yes like he always is Timmy

56:41

success yeah I'm sure it will be mom okay

56:45

and he just goes back to reading his copy

56:47

of late Roger is that the strangers

56:52

that he say it well how do you

56:54

say it in French I think that's it

56:56

he's reading yes he's reading as long as

56:58

he's reading some camu and flipping through his

57:01

book and he just gives a wistful sighs

57:07

some people think they're so cool because they

57:09

can read so

57:12

at that moment you hear a loud bang

57:14

from the basement and you

57:16

hear footsteps coming up and then

57:18

your husband's tucker comes out of the basement

57:20

covered in sweat and greasy that all right

57:22

let's have some food family of course it's

57:25

a little cold Tucker because you're three hours later

57:27

than you normally are oh sweetheart and

57:29

he gives you a little kiss on the cheek

57:31

and then he sits down and says well

57:33

I'm ready so how's everyone's day well

57:36

I have quite a bit of news

57:38

uh our bowling team

57:40

the guttural scream and we got

57:43

a big trophy because we won

57:45

say that's pretty swell yeah I bet there's some

57:48

big strong fellows on that team who carried you

57:50

over the finish line huh in fact

57:53

there's a teen a youth Francis Farnsworth

57:55

he got his chin cut a little bit

57:57

but he was such a strong player Are

58:00

you saying there was some sort of frucus? Was there a

58:02

fight? What how does this boy get his chin cut? Oh,

58:04

no, it was nothing honey. It was I mean, it was

58:06

just it was just it was just it was just it

58:08

was just Yes,

58:14

tuck, okay Okay He

58:17

fell he fell Well,

58:19

it sounds like this might be a dangerous activity that

58:21

you've been going to go do down at this bowling

58:23

alley Well, gosh Tucker when you put

58:25

it like that Maybe you my season should

58:28

be over and maybe

58:30

we can you know be together

58:32

during Tuesdays from noon to two Well,

58:35

I don't know about that But maybe we can find

58:37

use a safer hobby But from now on I don't

58:40

want you talking to any of those bowling people anymore.

58:42

Sure thing, honey And then you hear a phone call

58:44

the phone rings Okay,

58:47

but if it's a man tell him to talk to

58:49

me because we don't want someone swindling you out of

58:51

money or something like that Of course, honey

58:58

Wait here husband's a Tucker Tucker Traut

59:05

residents trudy trout speaking To

59:09

me it's portanic. I need help I need an adult.

59:11

Oh my gosh, you need an adult. Why don't you?

59:16

Strange men and strange masks Tommy's probably your

59:18

beatniks I suck their leader in the John

59:20

made a break for but they're hot on

59:22

my trail Listen, whatever you do trust no

59:24

one don't even and then you just hear like

59:30

And the voice of this girl getting dragged off into

59:32

the woods fades away on the phone Trudy

59:34

looks to Tucker and then back at the phone

59:37

and says I'm not interested.

59:39

Thank you You

59:41

see listeners calling all the time at

59:43

dinner. You hear fumbling on the other end

59:45

of the phone like someone's picking it up. Oh Um,

59:48

but all listening to see if you have

59:51

another offer for me midnight

59:56

195 peachy Canyon Road the

59:58

trophy bring trophy.

1:00:01

You're being watched. You go to

1:00:03

the cops, she dies. If you tell

1:00:05

anyone, she dies. We want your

1:00:08

team and you at 195 Peachie

1:00:11

Canyon Road, midnight with

1:00:13

the trophy. Did you

1:00:15

get all that? You're not saying anything.

1:00:17

It's just that Tucker and I are normally in

1:00:19

our separate beds. Now don't tell anyone else!

1:00:22

Okay? You can count on me to

1:00:25

get help. Who is it, dear? Oh, is that

1:00:27

a man? I think I hear it sounds like

1:00:30

a man. Oh, yes,

1:00:32

it is a man. Yes,

1:00:35

oh, he must have hung up what he

1:00:37

said how big and strong you were as

1:00:39

a man. A bigger, stronger man. That sounds

1:00:41

like probably something that would happen, it makes

1:00:43

sense. So I'm gonna keep eating this kind

1:00:45

of a cold pot roast. Please do.

1:00:47

I'm just gonna give a call

1:00:50

to my gal pal, Kelsey.

1:00:52

You go ahead and do that, dear. Actually,

1:00:54

you know what? I'm feeling like I want

1:00:56

to take this food with me back down

1:00:58

into my laboratory, so don't come after me.

1:01:00

Nobody open the door. We all

1:01:03

know that daddy gets very mad when we open the door.

1:01:05

Don't we know that, children? And they're like, yes,

1:01:07

dad. Okay, then. And he goes

1:01:09

downstairs with his big pot roast.

1:01:11

Well, I see you tonight. Maybe.

1:01:13

Okay, honey. Okay.

1:01:16

Trudy frantically dials Kelsey's number.

1:01:19

Four. Oh, fourth residence of Peachyville here.

1:01:21

Kelsey, we need a man. Oh, oh,

1:01:28

okay. Well, dear, you are married, but finally,

1:01:31

have you gotten that divorce we've talked about? What?

1:01:35

Did he finally do it? You

1:01:37

what? Oh, you're not ready, are you?

1:01:40

I'm not ready for a lot of things. Okay. Well,

1:01:42

what do you say we need a man? What do you

1:01:44

mean? There was a person

1:01:46

on the phone that kidnapped

1:01:48

our dear friend Britannica Blue.

1:01:50

The moment you say kidnap, Kelsey is opening up like a memory

1:01:53

box of her brother who served in World War I and she's

1:01:55

pulling out the Colt-1911 and

1:01:57

racking her Colt-1911. 1911

1:02:00

1911 no what she reads it she goes m1911 Yes

1:02:10

somebody kidnapped Phoebe and then also

1:02:12

made threatening remarks said to meet

1:02:14

them at a specific address that

1:02:17

I cannot remember Write

1:02:19

down midnight sharp tonight Past

1:02:23

my bedtime I assume that we could talk

1:02:25

to the boys in our bowling clubs and

1:02:27

get them to bring the trophy to this

1:02:29

mysterious Color we should have we talked

1:02:31

to everybody also on a related question. Do you know how to use

1:02:33

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1:02:40

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1:02:43

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1:02:45

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Francis, why don't you go ahead and tell me what

1:05:29

is going on. And we'll see how a little bit

1:05:31

of time has passed, the rest of the house is

1:05:33

asleep. Oh, you know what happens at a teenage boy's

1:05:35

house. A teenage boy in his room after a big

1:05:37

sweaty victory. What's going on in there? I mean, he's

1:05:40

viciously masturbating. Thinking about the

1:05:42

fact that he actually did something good today. And he's

1:05:44

looking at the trophy while he's doing it. And he's

1:05:46

looking at the smiling version of himself in

1:05:48

the reflection of the trophy. And

1:05:51

the version of yourself in the reflection's got a

1:05:53

real mean-looking body. I feel like a woman in

1:05:55

the reflection's like, ugh. And your mom

1:05:58

calls him and says, Honey, do you want a milkshake? Oh,

1:06:00

what? What? Boom!

1:06:05

Boom! So talk when I'm- Be my

1:06:07

room! I'm polishing my trophy, mom! The

1:06:11

phone rings in the middle of what

1:06:13

you're doing. Ugh, sorry,

1:06:15

Francis. Francis. Francis

1:06:18

slows and takes up the phone.

1:06:20

Oh no! Oh no! Francis?

1:06:23

Francis, stop. Francis? Yeah. Oh

1:06:25

god, I think I need two years gas, but you're

1:06:27

out of breath, what's going on? Man,

1:06:31

I was just carrying the trophy up to

1:06:33

my room. Oh, oh, hon, you

1:06:35

gotta work out more. You gotta exercise, you

1:06:37

gotta work on those arms. I know, but

1:06:40

I still won today, so I feel like maybe not so

1:06:42

much of the criticism today. Oh, I'm sorry, I think you're

1:06:44

right. Oh, you did great. about

1:06:47

how weak I am? Yeah, I'm sorry, I'm sorry,

1:06:49

just, you know what they say, once a student,

1:06:51

always a student, I just always wanna look out

1:06:53

for you. But, ignore that, we're like, Bebe, Trudy

1:06:55

says you got kidnapped? Kidnapped? From probably those Italians,

1:06:57

let's be honest. Yeah.

1:07:00

The A-Pies. Yeah. Yeah.

1:07:02

Yeah. Always make sure you

1:07:04

remember, unless, like you said, Chris, unless not, you know,

1:07:06

she has a hard time with numbers and things like

1:07:08

that. She knows that it's at midnight, but she doesn't

1:07:11

quite know the actual, anything you remember about the street

1:07:13

or the address? Conference call. You guys are on a

1:07:15

party one. Yeah. Oh,

1:07:17

yes, the address. Hmm,

1:07:21

hmm, I think

1:07:23

it started with a number. You

1:07:25

wrote it down, right? I think she would write it

1:07:27

down. That makes sense

1:07:30

for the story. Oh, Trudy, Trudy, one second,

1:07:32

I just realized, are you still listening? Yes.

1:07:35

Okay, look down. Do you see a piece

1:07:37

of paper? Oh my goodness, and it's got

1:07:39

the address written right on it. Oh my

1:07:41

gosh, Trudy. And what is

1:07:43

that address about? 195

1:07:46

Peachy Canyon Road, midnight. Yeah,

1:07:51

ironically, when she was writing it down,

1:07:53

she's like, one night. I

1:07:58

think she said, yeah, bro. So

1:08:00

I noticed past your bedtime, but I think

1:08:02

we gotta get the whole guttural screen team

1:08:04

together because the Italians have asked for all

1:08:06

of us to bring the trophy. Otherwise they

1:08:08

said they're gonna- Oh no! As she says

1:08:10

that, and she says the word trophy, you

1:08:13

notice the lights flicker around you in the

1:08:15

house. And all of a sudden, the

1:08:17

entire world around you goes black.

1:08:20

You're still in our reality, you're still in your

1:08:22

bedroom as far as you can tell, you still

1:08:24

feel the phone up against your cheek, but

1:08:26

you cannot see anything. Oh no!

1:08:28

Hey, where are you telling me the truth when they said

1:08:31

Masturbation makes you go blind? Oh no! Oh no! Oh

1:08:34

no! Francis? You

1:08:36

still there? I'm here, I just can't see

1:08:38

anything. Okay. Like the lights went out or

1:08:40

something. I don't know much, but I do-

1:08:42

You hear a loud thud on the roof,

1:08:45

and the flapping of wings, like big wings,

1:08:47

almost like an eagle landed on the roof.

1:08:49

And you hear footsteps coming down towards where,

1:08:52

like, at first you think it's a power

1:08:54

outage, but then you realize, like, you can't

1:08:56

even see out the window. Like, there's nothing

1:08:58

outside at all, but you hear these footsteps

1:09:01

going towards what you remember of being your

1:09:03

window. What's happening, Francis? He's on the roof!

1:09:06

He's just moving too, she's grabbing

1:09:08

her M volume and she goes

1:09:10

to Masturbation, which is completely blank,

1:09:12

and she's like, blind? Question mark?

1:09:14

What else are you seeing? leathery

1:09:16

wings! I just heard wings

1:09:18

and feet, and I think that I'm gonna

1:09:20

try to hide out of my bed. Now the next

1:09:22

part is very important. Yes! They're

1:09:28

gonna take you. They're gonna take you! So yeah, Francis

1:09:30

is gonna put the phone down and try to hide

1:09:32

under his bed. Okay, great. Give me a- Stealth?

1:09:35

Yeah, I think a stealth roll, that makes sense.

1:09:37

Francis has a 90 in stealth. Oh, wow. Ooh,

1:09:39

wow. He got a 94. Oh

1:09:42

no! Dude, the

1:09:44

puny growth spurt means that his feet are sticking

1:09:46

out from under the bed. You expertly dive to

1:09:48

what would be a corner of the room that,

1:09:51

like, you could really easily hide under, but your

1:09:53

pants are still around your ankles from jerking off,

1:09:55

so you trip and make a huge loud noise

1:09:57

as you faceplant into the ground. Oh! The

1:10:00

girl's like, wait, what are I doing? And she always goes to

1:10:02

the door and then runs next door, which is why. OK,

1:10:06

this is good. This is good. OK,

1:10:10

so here's how we'll do this. We'll do a little bit of

1:10:12

his and then we'll do a little bit yours. And then if

1:10:14

anyone else wants to live next door, if I can go for

1:10:16

it, I guess I'll know each other. Yeah, it's a small town.

1:10:18

Do you say anything to Trudy before you say like, Trudy, I'm

1:10:21

running over to the farm. Oh, let me let me

1:10:23

look behind me. Oh, they live right there. Princess

1:10:26

Cross the street. OK, yeah, you hear her starting

1:10:28

on the phone and then you see her running

1:10:30

across. Like Ferris Buellering her way through backyards and

1:10:32

picket fences over the fence. And he's like, Doctor,

1:10:35

I'm going to step out to go knitting

1:10:37

just for a second. OK,

1:10:39

your kids are like, mom, what's going on?

1:10:41

Shut up. I

1:10:47

mean, just go to bed,

1:10:49

sweetums. Whatever.

1:10:51

I guess I could go to bed or I could stay

1:10:53

up and stare at the sky and the moon. If you

1:10:56

continue with that attitude, Timmy, you're not going to have

1:10:58

a bed. Timmy

1:11:01

just like backs away and goes

1:11:03

up the stairs towards his bed. He's like, OK,

1:11:06

mom, OK, Jimmy. Who's my favorite, point five? I

1:11:09

am. OK, I'll be gone. OK,

1:11:12

so the two of you are running

1:11:14

towards the Farnsworth house. OK, are your

1:11:16

parents home? Yes, his parents are home.

1:11:18

Everyone's in bed. Francis, in your

1:11:20

room, you're on the ground, pants around your

1:11:22

ankles. You hear this tapping

1:11:24

noise, like something scratching at the window,

1:11:27

like kind of fumbling around and groping.

1:11:29

Francis tries to hurry to get up

1:11:31

and pull up his pants. OK. And

1:11:33

then he goes to his corner and

1:11:36

feels around for the baseball bat that his dad

1:11:38

gave him when he initially was hoping that his

1:11:40

son would actually take up sports. And it's been

1:11:42

gathering dust for years and years and years. Oh,

1:11:44

I love that. It's dark, but you know your

1:11:46

room pretty well. Give me a luck roll with

1:11:49

advantage. Let's do that. OK, my luck is 85.

1:11:52

Wow, that's lucky. And I got a 53. OK,

1:11:54

great. So you find the bat. And again,

1:11:56

you can't see this thing, but you can hear it pounding

1:11:58

on the glass. and you

1:12:00

hear the glass begin to crack and then...

1:12:04

Oh geez! Oh geez! I'm

1:12:07

gonna start just hurriedly and panickedly swinging in

1:12:09

front of me. Okay, great. Oh, I think

1:12:11

I also shout, MOM! How do we get

1:12:13

you over here, Freddy? You're just

1:12:15

drunk driving, or as they call it, backlit driving. Around

1:12:17

the town. I

1:12:20

can do that. I'll be going off for a spin in my brand

1:12:22

new 1958 Edsel Ranger. Okay,

1:12:25

here's what we're gonna do. Give me an attack roll with

1:12:27

your... Do you have something for this bat? I don't have

1:12:29

anything for the bat. I have a brawl. Technically, it would

1:12:31

be like you have to have a bat specialty or something

1:12:33

like that? In brawl, in the same way there's firearms and

1:12:35

there's guns, I feel like a bat would be in brawl.

1:12:37

Okay. I feel like if you want to, you could give

1:12:40

yourself a specialization for bat, but otherwise you can just use

1:12:42

whatever your brawl is, is my guess. That's what that looks

1:12:44

like. That makes sense. Yeah, I think I'll just use my

1:12:46

brawl because he is definitely not specialized with this bat. Okay,

1:12:48

great. So yeah, give me an attack roll with your brawl.

1:12:50

This brawl is 65. And

1:12:53

you got a 10. You got a 10. Oh, shit! Oh,

1:12:55

wow, okay. Dude, Francis is hiding

1:12:57

on a fucking killer instinct. So that's a

1:12:59

good brawl. Or under a fifth. So the

1:13:02

unseen thing is going to dodge. And it

1:13:04

got a 91. So you

1:13:06

swing this bat and you feel it

1:13:08

just connect with something sharp. It's almost

1:13:10

like you're whacking it against like a

1:13:12

concrete wall or something like that. Sorry!

1:13:15

It's just like a bang. Now I need to figure

1:13:17

it out. I'll never master it again. Give

1:13:20

me a damage roll. So that's 1d8 plus...

1:13:22

What does damage base mean? A damage bonus,

1:13:24

DB. Yeah. Yeah, my DB is zero. Okay,

1:13:26

great. So yeah, then give me a... Oh,

1:13:29

wow, six damage? Should

1:13:32

have gotten to sports. It sounds like you're breaking

1:13:34

through like a lobster shell. Like when you like

1:13:36

snap a lobster shell and it's like that kind

1:13:39

of hard, sharp clapping sound. And you hear a

1:13:41

sort of guttural squeal unlike anything you've ever heard

1:13:43

before. Just erupt as you make this huge swing.

1:13:45

And whatever is crawling through your window right now,

1:13:48

you feel like you really got a piece of

1:13:50

it. Okay, let's cut to the outside of the

1:13:52

house now where Kelsey and Trudy are approaching the

1:13:54

front door. And what are

1:13:56

your parents' names again? Ed and Kamon Juan. Which

1:13:59

is my mom's name. Okay. Come on

1:14:01

one. Yeah, come on one open

1:14:03

up. It's mrs. Grammer your kids.

1:14:05

He's he's doing nothing He

1:14:09

called he needs just open up we could

1:14:11

just ring the doorbell. Oh good. Yeah, go

1:14:13

ahead Do they have doorbells in the 19? They did

1:14:15

have that technology. Yeah Okay,

1:14:18

he said that's like yeah, I truly they do Been

1:14:22

around since the 1913 this World War one So

1:14:26

upstairs you see a light switch on and

1:14:28

Francis his parents come into the window like

1:14:30

what what's going on out there order of Operations

1:14:32

number one check on your son number two. Could

1:14:35

you open the door, please? It's midnight. Do you

1:14:37

know where your son is? You

1:14:39

hear footsteps going downstairs and then back in the

1:14:41

room Anthony You hear the door handle rattle as

1:14:43

your mom is trying to get in but she

1:14:46

can't because I assume you lock the door before

1:14:48

dorking It yeah, does she say anything so I

1:14:50

know that it's her Why

1:14:56

can't you've locked your door for some reason? Oh geez,

1:14:58

okay. Let me get that I told you not to

1:15:00

walk this door Yeah, I'm sorry.

1:15:02

I was just you were sleeping. Let me unlock it

1:15:04

for you The

1:15:07

thing in the window is now going to get a

1:15:09

turn All

1:15:19

of you hear an Unearthly hum

1:15:21

like a screech almost like something

1:15:23

like the static of a three channel

1:15:25

TV set meets like a radio Tuning

1:15:27

but with a sort of animal quality

1:15:30

to it as well as the drone

1:15:32

of an insect and it pierces

1:15:34

your ears so go ahead and give

1:15:36

me a Power.

1:15:39

Well, I've been meaning to get my ears pierced My

1:15:42

power is 40. I got a 23. Oh, no. I got 99.

1:15:44

Okay, you got a 99. It's a critical failure With

1:15:49

you in a day explodes What did

1:15:51

you get best my rating is a 55 and I rolled a 55 I

1:15:54

think that means you passed the

1:15:56

two of you here this deafening screech. Come on one

1:15:58

is going to roll as well and unfortunately

1:16:00

she does not roll so well. Trudy,

1:16:02

if you look over at Kelsey, you

1:16:04

see that she has just gone completely

1:16:07

catatonic. Like she's just fallen into a

1:16:09

trance-like state. You're just staring straight ahead, just

1:16:11

like nothing going on there. She's doing evocative

1:16:13

dancing. She's doing

1:16:15

freaky evocative dancing. Oh my

1:16:17

goodness. Wow! Kelsey,

1:16:20

I am so impressed, but I wish you

1:16:22

would say something. Anthony, I feel like Frances

1:16:24

gets the door open. You can see into the

1:16:26

hallway. You can't see into your room, but you

1:16:29

see your mother standing there and she is also

1:16:31

in a trance. Mom! Mom! Where is the trophy?

1:16:33

The trophy's in my bedroom next to my bed.

1:16:35

Positioned right underneath the picture. As

1:16:39

well as gonna follow back up. As all

1:16:41

of this is going on, we cut to... Tony Collette.

1:16:43

What's Tony Collette doing while all of this is going

1:16:46

on? Ford Edsel Villager, which was introduced in 1958. It's

1:16:49

like a station wagon. Big ol' ugly station

1:16:51

wagon. He's just kind of driving around. He's

1:16:53

got a fat, stoggy, any type of

1:16:55

tobacco. He's a fan, right? And he's sitting

1:16:58

there, he's got a drink in one

1:17:00

hand, stoggy in the other. He likes the

1:17:02

stodgy by shooting the tip. Seat

1:17:05

belt. What seat belt? You know what I'm saying?

1:17:08

And he's like, oh, oh, lovely town.

1:17:11

What the hell's going on here? Commotion,

1:17:14

there's a ruckus over here. You see

1:17:16

your two bowling partners, Trudy and Kelsey,

1:17:19

standing in front of this house. Trudy!

1:17:21

Kelsey! Little bit late. Little bit late

1:17:23

for bowling. You're saying it's all

1:17:25

out the car while you're driving? Yeah,

1:17:27

yeah, yeah. Well, no, that part, that

1:17:30

part's an idling and a powerful American

1:17:32

motor. You're probably waking up everyone else

1:17:34

down the block. Like my wheels, I

1:17:36

rev the engine seductively. Okay, give me

1:17:38

a disadvantage driving roll. Disadvantage? Why would

1:17:40

I... Right. So... So?

1:17:43

So. He knows how to handle it. I

1:17:45

know how to handle my liquor and American

1:17:48

automotive fuel. Give me a fucking disadvantage drive

1:17:50

auto roll. I have a drive auto of

1:17:52

40, 56. Okay,

1:17:55

so when you try to rev your engine, you

1:17:57

realize your car is out in park and it

1:17:59

careens forward. towards the house towards

1:18:02

Kelsey who's still standing there catatonically oh

1:18:04

wow it's beautiful it comes at me just

1:18:07

like a bowling ball it's so tragic

1:18:09

too because this is how Tony Collette will

1:18:11

die but this will be 50 years later

1:18:13

and it's to be a farmers market okay

1:18:15

let's resolve this and then we'll

1:18:18

jump upstairs Trudy

1:18:20

you're the only hope it's getting

1:18:22

closer and closer I

1:18:25

think I'll move out of the way and I'll

1:18:27

take my friend Kelsey with me okay we'll

1:18:30

call that a maneuver I guess how

1:18:32

big is Kelsey she's a pretty beefy

1:18:34

lady it's a pretty beefy lady she's

1:18:36

like seven four no but

1:18:38

she's like five ten her favorite food

1:18:41

is apple

1:18:44

pie but you're not moving you're not doing anything

1:18:46

you're not trying to resist or obviously use your

1:18:48

catatony I'm gonna dance though go ahead and give

1:18:50

me a strength roll to move Kelsey out of

1:18:52

the way or wait in all the right places

1:18:54

though and that is everywhere her massive rain Wow my strength

1:18:57

is a 60 and I

1:19:03

got a 41 like a sleeper

1:19:06

soldier called into action by

1:19:08

a naughty word pretty springs

1:19:12

into action spinning around

1:19:14

daintily and with that whipping Kelsey

1:19:16

into a nice hug and then

1:19:18

spinning like a tornado out of

1:19:20

the path of the moving vehicle

1:19:23

great well done just plow

1:19:25

straight into the house with this vehicle I

1:19:27

was gonna give you one more roll to

1:19:29

try to stop yourself no because I'm confused

1:19:31

and on the price land on the rev

1:19:34

and now it's moving and that's like too

1:19:36

much so Tommy's like somebody else was a

1:19:39

it's a fun detail actually about the exo so the

1:19:41

one that looks like a vagina in the

1:19:47

front well no it's instead of having like a what car is

1:19:49

that I've been by

1:19:54

cars all my life what

1:19:57

car that will this was the thing it's got like

1:19:59

a little for in the front Ford

1:20:01

Ford to see what is this for

1:20:04

the Ford Edsel EDS oh okay

1:20:11

well that Matt good before I

1:20:13

thought I'm gonna make a joke and

1:20:15

say have all of his yard the expert on

1:20:17

the China but before I could even finish that

1:20:19

I saw the cars like yeah something

1:20:22

about the Edsel's at the transmission on these instead of

1:20:24

being like a steering column thing it's like buttons on

1:20:26

the front of the you know back before there's airbags

1:20:28

they're like ah that's real estate that we could use

1:20:31

so I think it's part of it is even that

1:20:33

like because it's better to never find the button in

1:20:35

the end so yes I think it's that he pressed the

1:20:45

wrong button right he's not used to it cuz

1:20:47

yeah your car is Korean now I gotta figure

1:20:50

out how fucking car crash works okay however you

1:20:52

want dog it doesn't matter there's rules for it

1:20:54

though all right well say the Ed opens the

1:20:56

door to be like what in tarnation is going

1:20:58

to oh and he sees this car pussy flying

1:21:00

towards him in trance by the car with us

1:21:04

because he's never slept with his wife to him it just looks like a car

1:21:11

it's under the sheets and the lights are off yes

1:21:15

honey you did it this is your

1:21:17

baby but

1:21:23

I didn't see the store

1:21:25

we're gonna cut dramatically away from that

1:21:27

and we will go back up to the bedroom you're

1:21:29

standing there you've got the door open your mom's in

1:21:32

front of you there's a horrible monster somewhere in this

1:21:34

darkened room behind you what do you do I'm going

1:21:36

to try to push my mom further into the hall

1:21:38

and slam the door shut behind me and then you

1:21:41

hear a car call Jesus Christ

1:21:43

I do like the idea by

1:21:46

the way that this is the

1:21:48

1950s when things were

1:21:50

kind of like built with real timber

1:21:52

and real construction so the car just

1:21:54

climbs the stairs like it doesn't blow through the

1:21:57

stairs like that plywood bullshit that we have today

1:21:59

it's just straight up Like ramps up it fucking starts

1:22:01

climbing the stairs and now all of a sudden on the second

1:22:03

floor you have a car Climb

1:22:08

up the stairs inside the house. Hell

1:22:10

yeah, dude Well

1:22:14

you think they have Feng Shui back then dude that

1:22:16

stair was facing straight out the front door You have

1:22:18

to break through the front door though, but no dad

1:22:20

opened it for me Come

1:22:24

on in car cars here Right

1:22:30

here your car smashes through the front door

1:22:32

of this house Yeah, Ed dives out of

1:22:35

the way because I don't want to murder

1:22:37

Francis his dad in the first episode Skull

1:22:44

into pace we'll give Ed a dexterity

1:22:46

roll that go Ed

1:22:49

got a 73 which is lower than

1:22:51

his dexterity of 85 Oh,

1:22:53

yeah, it was a

1:22:56

ballet man was in both wars. He was in

1:22:58

both wars, but it's a ballet man The

1:23:01

USO and he does a beautiful pirouette out of

1:23:03

the way of this thing and watches in horror

1:23:05

him and Bill Hope Bob Hope

1:23:08

Bob. That's right, man. You always disappointed

1:23:10

when you got Bill Hope It's

1:23:17

Bill Hope and Biff Crosby He

1:23:21

dives out of the way. Are you trying to drive the car

1:23:23

up the stairs? Is that what we're trying to do here? I'm

1:23:26

just saying that this is American. You still

1:23:28

haven't stopped the car is what you're saying

1:23:30

Correct because this was called the tele touch

1:23:32

automatic steering wheel literally you finally

1:23:34

look up pictures of this They've decided

1:23:36

to put all the buttons on the wheel

1:23:38

and then everyone's like this was a awful

1:23:41

awful idea We're gonna have go ahead and say

1:23:43

that your car crashes and you're gonna have to

1:23:45

take some damage for that Absolutely seat belts were

1:23:47

optional and you bet your ass Tony Colette didn't

1:23:49

opt for seat belts when we're seat belts a

1:23:52

thing seat belts We're kind of around Because

1:23:55

this is something that would happen with Edsel owners. I

1:23:57

go to press the horn In

1:24:01

the middle of the steering wheel, but instead

1:24:03

I just like hit neutral and reverse at

1:24:05

the same time And you hear a horrible

1:24:07

cranking sound from the engine that is it

1:24:09

loses control and busts of the door truly

1:24:11

a death trap of a Vehicle huh? Oh,

1:24:13

yeah Listen this the single circumstance under which

1:24:15

a teletouch could be put into gear with

1:24:17

the car moving at greater than five miles

1:24:19

an hour Was it the neutral button was

1:24:21

depressed first thereby removing hydraulic pressure from the

1:24:23

inhibitor switch and then the reverse or park

1:24:25

button pushed These actions would as

1:24:27

a result either shear off the parking pole or

1:24:29

suddenly set the rear wheel turning in the reverse

1:24:31

direction Your Ford Edsel is

1:24:34

gonna take 1d10 build

1:24:36

damage. So give me a dice roll for your

1:24:38

Ford Edsel 3

1:24:40

3 not bad American engineering baby and

1:24:42

then you are going to take not

1:24:44

American engineering. Let's give you the same

1:24:47

thing 1d10 This is a pretty nasty and

1:24:49

you're not wearing a seat belt. So give me a fucking detail Okay

1:24:56

How much else you have 14 So

1:24:59

I blow through the windshield obviously nothing would be

1:25:02

more Freddie than dying in the first episode this

1:25:04

is fine Okay,

1:25:11

well, would you just say that crashes into the

1:25:14

front staircase and then it launches me up to

1:25:16

the second floor Why

1:25:20

was winning a four out of Wolverine where he

1:25:22

goes I mean, he's got a piece. He's

1:25:24

not for you. Yeah, but you're like pretty fucked up

1:25:26

before hip points You're a rest long rest, right? That's

1:25:28

how it works on this game. You go a hospital

1:25:30

got a hospital piece All right major wound single attack

1:25:32

that does more or equal to 50% of max HP

1:25:36

It falls prone and makes a

1:25:38

Constitution roll to avoid unconsciousness So

1:25:40

yes your car careens into the

1:25:42

house you've mosh the buttons on

1:25:45

the front of the forehead So

1:25:47

you smash into the stairs your

1:25:49

car is basically fine But you

1:25:51

know, I got the window up the

1:25:53

stairs and most cruises of the 50s

1:25:55

fucking podcast All right, so I

1:25:57

go up the stairs. I've taken ten damage, which means I need

1:26:00

to do a role here to make sure

1:26:02

I stay conscious. My constitution is 75. I

1:26:05

roll a 64, so I do maintain a hold

1:26:09

on this reality. Okay, so

1:26:11

that's good, because that does give you an opportunity

1:26:13

to say something pithy as you collide with Francis,

1:26:15

who's just gone out into the hallway. Francis, I

1:26:18

was so sorry. I wouldn't have done this if

1:26:20

I had had another drink. The

1:26:22

definition of pithy. Francis,

1:26:25

if you want to give me a dexterity role

1:26:27

to dodge this missile hurtling towards you. Bro,

1:26:30

this is the worst post

1:26:32

nut. I'll

1:26:35

never do it again, I swear. My

1:26:37

dexterity is 60, I got a 72. He

1:26:40

basically clonks straight into you. Give

1:26:42

me just a one D4 damage. Bro, you know what

1:26:44

it looks like? It looks like Yohanda in Street Fighter

1:26:47

II when he does that one. Yeah. D4,

1:26:50

two. So

1:26:52

you take two damage, you're knocked prone as well.

1:26:54

My mom's next to me too, she gets fucked

1:26:56

up. No, he hit you and she just watches

1:26:58

you go down. You deflected the

1:27:00

bullets. And then all

1:27:02

of a sudden the buzzing stops. You

1:27:04

regain your sort of composure. Trudy,

1:27:07

did you save me? I did, I hugged

1:27:09

another woman. I'm going to hell. Gosh,

1:27:13

if you were a man, I would think about kissing you for a

1:27:15

while. What? You

1:27:17

saved me. And

1:27:20

so the first ship of the season has begun. Wave.

1:27:25

You saved me. It's like the scene in

1:27:27

Titanic where we all wave as this ship

1:27:29

that sail. Francis? You just, you rush inside?

1:27:31

Yeah, yeah, I rush inside. Russians, where? Upstairs,

1:27:35

Francis, your mom is freaking out. She's like, what's

1:27:37

going on? Oh my gosh, where am I? What

1:27:40

happened? I get to my

1:27:42

feet. I don't know. There's something in my

1:27:44

room. Tried to kill me. I hit it with

1:27:46

a really scared mom. Get back. And

1:27:48

your mother grabs a shotgun and then rocks it.

1:27:51

Hell yeah, your mom. She kicks

1:27:53

the door down and enters like

1:27:56

she's doing a breach and clear and nothing is

1:27:58

in there. The Life. There are

1:28:00

back on you can see a room. There's

1:28:02

clearly something has been in here because you

1:28:04

can see like I'm torn something. I'm. Still

1:28:08

want a similar thing? You're motivated as easy

1:28:10

as it could. Every was is a theater,

1:28:12

the mine has gone on. I was a

1:28:14

use defeated and I wrote but I got

1:28:16

one thing you do see moving in the

1:28:18

room and that I see night breeze is

1:28:20

that box of Kleenex. the how much you

1:28:22

know what? like living about like a flag

1:28:24

a similar up at her husband snob me

1:28:26

and I'm getting a cold. Out

1:28:30

of your mom soups the room idea

1:28:32

you can see something has been ripping

1:28:34

things to shreds and hear your pillows

1:28:37

been torn up. And. Like cities

1:28:39

puncture marks like almost like from really

1:28:41

sharp big like spider legs or something

1:28:43

like that in the carpet and there's

1:28:46

just a vague odor of zoo determine

1:28:48

was caused the odor. But the one

1:28:50

thing you do notice is that the

1:28:52

trophy is. Literally.

1:28:55

Is currently ever going to remember that. I'm

1:28:58

cool again soon. Interference by the bigger things.

1:29:00

I would you bring the trophy. Otherwise Bb

1:29:02

Beaties been kidnapped Italians Rivers years Italians was

1:29:05

beyond his name is Lisa their a killer.

1:29:07

We don't bring a trophy if you would

1:29:09

like to make a spot. Hidden role anybody

1:29:11

who's up here Zero for it. I also

1:29:14

the you have have made really wounded again

1:29:16

Comrade was bleeding on the floor right now.

1:29:18

She's a man in the fifties. Give us

1:29:20

a cell phone he says silly ah I

1:29:23

had a seventy eight out of my twenty

1:29:25

five. Spot in that I failed Doc.

1:29:27

I felt by him as well as

1:29:29

soon as I had and assailed fourteen

1:29:32

out of twenty five in my drunken

1:29:34

bloodied hey, that might also those Okay

1:29:36

so as all of you are looking

1:29:39

around this destroyed room, the blue seen

1:29:41

inside the booze the bleeding can costs

1:29:43

Tony pulis level these guys. I different

1:29:46

angle that all Israel maybe this is

1:29:48

on the ground he's able to see

1:29:50

up through the window. And

1:29:52

as you look up through the window

1:29:55

you see for just a split second.

1:29:57

Backlit. Against the light of the.

1:30:00

a silhouette, disappearing

1:30:02

rapidly into the night, something

1:30:05

flying, something fast, and something bigger

1:30:07

than you've ever seen like

1:30:09

that before. It's like a bird, it's like

1:30:11

a bug, it's drawn to this glowing light,

1:30:13

and it seems to be disappearing rapidly. What

1:30:15

do you do? I point at it and

1:30:18

I go, oh, there's some sort of creature

1:30:20

in the moon! Look! Look, everyone, look! I

1:30:22

only listen to my husband, but I'll turn around and

1:30:24

oh my god! Oh geez, look at

1:30:26

that! That's either a big huge bat

1:30:29

or a very small bat, but closer

1:30:31

than a big huge one, you see

1:30:33

what I mean. As you look into

1:30:35

the distance, you see this thing with

1:30:38

these huge leathery wings and these dangling

1:30:40

claws and this vague glowing face

1:30:42

and you can't quite make it out. It's

1:30:44

so far away, you barely even came to

1:30:46

realize that it's real. It's the

1:30:48

size of a man, but

1:30:50

it looks like a moth. It's

1:30:53

like some sort of

1:30:55

moth man in

1:30:57

its talent, in its clutches, you see that

1:31:00

token. Your only hope is saving your face.

1:31:28

I am the broken skirt,

1:31:30

and all I ever wanted

1:31:32

was to be this stupid

1:31:35

little bee. Too

1:32:01

far, too far away,

1:32:04

that I've seen the

1:32:09

day away Dungeons and Dads

1:32:11

is Matt Arnold as Kelsey Grammer, Anthony Burch

1:32:13

as Francis Farnsworth, Will Campos as RDM, Beth

1:32:15

May as Trudy Trout, and myself, Pretty Long

1:32:17

as Tony Collette. Our theme song is Hole

1:32:19

in the Stars by Maxson Waller, it's available

1:32:22

on his bandcamp at maxsonwaller.bandcamp.com. Brian Fernandez is

1:32:24

our content producer, Ash Nicola is our community

1:32:26

manager, Courtney Terry is our community coordinator, Cindy

1:32:28

Denton is our merchandise manager, Esther Els is

1:32:30

our lead editor, Travis Reeves provides additional editing,

1:32:32

and Robin Rapp is our transcriber. Support this

1:32:34

show directly at patreon.com/Dungeons and Dads where you

1:32:36

join the ranks of folks like Megan McGee,

1:32:39

Cleo Klamenser, Eduardo Jamie, Jared Holford, Brienne

1:32:41

S, Ali Cat, Anna Wood, Jara Smith,

1:32:43

Kit the Cat the Bar, Isaac Hadwin,

1:32:45

Radder Wolf, Alexandra J, Aaron Rosenberry, Aaron

1:32:47

W, Carly Cook, Rafael Dumlao, Max Kozak,

1:32:49

Alan Hall, Kelly Paulson, and Tess Fletcher.

1:32:51

Welcome to season 3! Just like in

1:32:53

season 1 and 2, Patreon supporters can

1:32:55

get access to our aftershow for this

1:32:57

season, which we're calling The Peach Pit,

1:32:59

where we chat behind the scenes process,

1:33:01

episode insights, and where we answer listener

1:33:03

questions. That's just one of a number

1:33:05

of ongoing series we have going on

1:33:08

the Patreon series, like one where Matt

1:33:10

and Beth talk Christian movies that we're calling

1:33:12

the Crystereon Collection. Support us on Patreon, you

1:33:14

get ad-free episodes, Discord access, and the pros

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and on. Support independent podcasters such as ourselves

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you get instant access to hundreds of hours

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of additional bonus content. That's all at patreon.com/Dungeons

1:33:26

and Dads. Next month we're going on tour,

1:33:28

part 2 of our US Live Show tour,

1:33:30

where we play the season 1 dads hitting

1:33:32

up cities across the Midwest and the East

1:33:34

Coast. It's called the Areas Tour, because we're

1:33:36

going to a bunch of areas. If you

1:33:38

find more info about that on our website,

1:33:40

tickets are still available, and heads up to the

1:33:42

West Coast. We've added a tour date on Father's

1:33:44

Day, June 16th, back in our hometown of Los

1:33:46

Angeles. We're playing the Will Turn, a legend-tier venue,

1:33:48

so spend Father's Day this year with us. All

1:33:50

that info at dungeonsanddads.com. Find merch on our social

1:33:52

media links there as well. Thank you so much

1:33:55

for supporting us. Welcome to season 3. Our

1:33:57

next episode is coming at you May 21st. We'll

1:33:59

see you then. My dreams

1:34:02

are making them start Too

1:34:05

far, too far away

1:34:08

And I'll stay until the

1:34:10

end I

1:34:14

can't feel your whole

1:34:18

soul And

1:34:24

I can't feel your

1:34:26

whole soul And

1:34:31

when my dreams are

1:34:34

making them start Too

1:34:37

far, too far away And

1:34:40

I can't feel

1:34:42

your whole soul And

1:35:10

when my dreams are making them start