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American dad. They've got it all Dungeons

1:20

and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast

1:22

for grownups. Content warnings can be found in

1:24

the episode description. Hey,

1:48

KTHU! your

2:00

bed, evade potential ambushers and infuriate anyone expecting you

2:02

to walk through the front door like a normal

2:04

person would. Madman Alhazard loves crawlspace. In fact, I'm

2:06

broadcasting from one right now. I've been trapped here

2:08

for weeks by the thing on the shelves. I'm

2:10

running out of time. I can hear whispering, waiting.

2:13

Our record needle scratch. Make the pulse of my

2:15

brain. Well,

2:40

in the Dungeons and Daddies, not

2:42

a BDSM podcast, this season, the

2:45

Peachyville Horror, a Cthulhu actual play

2:47

horror comedy podcast about four everyday

2:49

schmoes fighting the forces of darkness

2:51

in suburban 1950s

2:53

America. Sounded like there was a little bit of

2:55

punctuation after everyone. Yeah, there's a period of just

2:58

telling a telegram. Yeah, yeah, stop. What do they

3:00

say after they die? I would be such a

3:02

silly telegram operator. I'd be like, stop. Stop it.

3:08

I'm pretty long and I play used

3:10

car fast talking. This is morning and

3:13

I'm waking up. It's morning early morning. I

3:15

was asleep last night because I was cooking

3:17

up this adventure for all of you. Morning.

3:20

We got morning energy. We're about to go

3:22

to McDonald's instead of eating, huh? That's a

3:24

problem. We'll always cook up a

3:26

fine meal and then we come back and we

3:28

come. We want Big Mac. Oh, we just went

3:30

to McDonald's. Oh, well, that's okay. I'm sure we'll

3:33

eat what you gave us. Yeah,

3:35

sure. Mom, you did a great. I will eat it.

3:37

Yes. Well, I am the, we have McDonald's

3:39

at home of his podcast. Yes. Mine is

3:41

Freddie Wong. I play Tony Collette, the dearly

3:43

departed. No, no, no, no, no, no. He's

3:46

still selling cars. Freddie, you have a second

3:48

character primed. I don't need a second character.

3:50

I have a move prime. I have a

3:52

move crime that we'll see how that plays,

3:54

but this week's Tony fact, Tony

3:58

cannot parallel park. Despite

4:00

having his driver's license. Despite having his

4:02

driver's license. So he just

4:05

said he has like fucking metal bones after

4:07

the war. That like he

4:09

served like he took a super soldier

4:11

serum. I thought your fact was going

4:13

to help you survive. Yeah, he always

4:15

wears a backpack full of this new

4:17

experimental Kevlar. He wears

4:19

an iron backpack. No,

4:21

no, no. What was the actual fact? The actual

4:24

fact was when he took his driving test

4:26

as a kid, he was always a fast talker.

4:28

He couldn't parallel park and you know, it's

4:30

much more difficult when you're cranking that engine. I

4:32

mean, you have to get out. You got cranked

4:34

that engine. You just turn it on. You got

4:36

to bring their stick. Your engine turning on stick.

4:39

You have to remember that. Yeah. Oh,

4:41

the little jalopy. Yeah. Yeah. I

4:44

think we're past that in the fifties, Freddie. You

4:46

didn't get his fucking driver's license in the fifties.

4:49

I know how long ago was I guess

4:51

that's fair. You think cars were fucking. Yeah.

4:54

Charlie Chaplin movies. They got a little. I think you're going

4:56

to cover up your car if a horse got scared by

4:58

it. Yeah. Oh, that's

5:00

what happened. He was going to go parallel parking by a horse

5:02

got scared. He says, I can't bet that back as

5:04

I was. He'll set a very different accent. It

5:07

was old timey. He's old

5:09

timey. It's changed. It does change as it

5:11

gets older. Some

5:14

presidential debate. No, I'm just

5:16

kidding. Too soon. No, it won't

5:18

be by the time this comes out. But

5:20

it's too soon for us. Maybe everything. Maybe

5:23

he'll be dead. Maybe he'll be fine. Maybe they'll both

5:25

be dead. Yeah. Pause for cutting

5:27

all that. Hey, everybody. My name is Matthew Arnold. I

5:30

play. Oh man, it is early morning. Hey, my

5:32

name is Matthew. One second.

5:35

I just pause like Biden. He was worried about Matt's performance. He has a

5:37

cold. Okay. That's

5:39

a cold. We're getting that out of the way. I'm not

5:41

sure. I'm not sure.

5:43

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not

5:45

sure. I'm not sure. I'm not

5:47

sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm

5:49

not sure. I'm not sure.

5:51

I'm not sure. See,

5:54

even a three year old can pause. It's

5:56

normal. It's good,

5:58

really, really normal. to ask Matt

6:00

to drop out of the podcast. I

6:02

made it. God

6:05

damn it. OK, cut all that stuff

6:07

out. And now we don't have to cut that out. I'm

6:09

literally kidding. I'm making fun of Matt Zengman. That's

6:12

how you know his play is. If all he buys and could

6:14

have that ability, you know what I'm saying? You can't cut it

6:16

because other podcasts are streaming across the border in droves.

6:19

They're streaming on Twitch. A

6:22

million of them. The podcast is streaming on Twitch.

6:24

Because Matt wouldn't put up the wall

6:26

separating us from the ad pod. No, I've got to say,

6:28

I don't agree with Anthony, but he's on this. He's trying

6:30

to get. Look how vital

6:32

I am compared to Matt. This episode is going

6:34

to come out of fucking months. And when can

6:36

we do the thing where we mute the microphones?

6:39

Yes, I have that building right here. Usually I

6:41

have some little saying, but then I have a

6:43

little joke that Kelsey tells instead. So like the

6:45

rhythm was different. Anyways, all I was going to

6:47

say is she's the happiest. We fucked up the

6:49

delivery. No, it's me as happy as that. No,

6:51

I fucked up. Way in the moderator. Happiest, happiest.

6:56

Fucking that shit. Kelsey Grammer is not that

6:58

happy. We're snapping. She's

7:01

the happiest. OK, you

7:03

know, one of her favorite little teacher jokes is

7:06

what? Yeah, what? You know what happens if you

7:08

tell a bad joke in class? What? You get

7:10

punished. Oh, OK. Cute.

7:13

Yeah. All right. Sure. All right. Here's here's

7:15

the actual fact now. Kelsey Kelsey's fact is

7:17

really simple because it's like, I won't get

7:19

on this adventure. I want a fucking box

7:21

on a fight. So Kelsey's birthday is in

7:23

three days. Wow. Five oh three days. She's

7:25

going to spend her fucking birthday at Tony's

7:27

funeral. You're

7:31

insane to think that she would go to. I

7:35

thought we were all on the same birthday. I'm

7:37

not going to ruin my birthday. Not

7:39

on my birthday. My birthday's out. What a

7:41

classic. That's the fact. That's the fact. Not

7:43

only is her birthday in three days, she

7:45

takes her birthday very seriously. Especially

7:48

the five oh, it's the big five oh. I'm writing that

7:51

down. I'm writing down that it's your birthday in three episodes.

7:53

Is it going to be a cop theme? Well, I was

7:55

looking up because a bunch of your stats are based upon

7:58

a bunch of your stats. There's a few stats. Thank

8:01

you, Matt. There's a going to be a grinding

8:03

theme birthday where you lift the front side of

8:05

your board up on the rail I'm

8:14

not either proud or not

8:17

proud of it. It was a good joke Go

8:20

Anthony. Beware whatever you say might be

8:22

judged by everybody here It's

8:25

fine. I'm fucking bulletproof. All I have to do is

8:27

speak really confidently I'm

8:31

Anthony birch. I play friends as far as

8:33

worth the most bully kid in PG-ville and

8:36

Francis's fact Is that his favorite

8:38

book series is Nancy Drew?

8:41

But he has to get copies of the Hardy

8:43

Boys taking the dust cover off of the hardbacks

8:45

and put it around his Nancy Drew books Because

8:47

otherwise he gets bullied because those books are for

8:49

girls Oh because he's in love

8:51

with Nancy Drew So he just he looks

8:54

like he reads voraciously a bunch of Hardy

8:56

Boys books, but in reality he's well Why

8:58

can't he just explain that he's in love

9:00

with Nancy Drew? However,

9:06

he is rock hardy's reading the Hardy Boys

9:16

In the mystery of the no apparent reason bone my

9:19

boys gone pretty hardy ever since I read the Hardy

9:21

Boys Hello, my

9:23

name is Beth May and I play

9:25

Trudy trout doting robot

9:27

wife 2.5

9:30

beautiful children. She is one of many true

9:33

D's fun

9:36

Anachronistic fact about Trudy that I thought of

9:38

this morning and I just had to say

9:40

cuz I thought it was funny Is

9:43

a Trudy is a wonderful singer. I'm gonna correct

9:45

you as a woman anachronistic as

9:47

a woman you're correcting I Will

9:54

interrupt women bet anachronistic anachronist I can't

9:56

say that so I'm not going to

9:58

anachronistic would be a good name for

10:00

character though. Oh, shit. Oh my

10:02

God. Anacronystic. All

10:06

podcasts are the same. Oh,

10:08

I guess. Wait, say it again.

10:10

Anacronystic. Fun. Anacronystic.

10:12

You can leave this in here. I

10:14

have no pride. We have no shame.

10:16

Bethany, no shame. The number of words I

10:18

mispronounce. Yeah, we know. No, I'm

10:21

just kidding. Is

10:23

that Trudy is a wonderful

10:25

singer. In fact, if she lived

10:27

in modern times, people

10:30

might say she's sung better than

10:32

Adele. God. God. That

10:35

is the

10:38

worst. Jomamiya.

10:41

That is straight up the worst

10:43

joke on this podcast. Bazinga. Holy

10:45

shit, Beth. Beth, she's taking

10:47

a victory. I'm victory. I can't. Topo

10:49

cheek. Beth's just fucking crushing

10:52

it. Hi, everyone. I'm Will Campos.

10:54

I'm your Daddy-O-Master. Hi, Daddy-O. What a wonderful

10:56

treat this intro has been for everyone a

10:58

month from now getting to remember what it

11:00

was like the morning after the worst day

11:02

of their life. My creepy fact about the

11:05

world today, my Daddy-O fact,

11:07

is that... Sorry,

11:10

I'm also pausing. But

11:12

this is a dramatic pause. That's the

11:14

difference. That's the difference. We still have

11:16

time to get a new deal. I

11:19

heard there's this guy in California who's really

11:21

hot. Your vice DM is young and vital.

11:25

Your DM runs out. Your fact today is... Sorry, I

11:27

forgot to do a fact. I'm on a creepy facts

11:29

about the human body. Someone give me a number from

11:31

one to 20. Ooh, 19.

11:37

70. 70. Who said 19? I did. Okay. Humans

11:40

are the only animal that blushes. That's not creepy.

11:42

That's just deering. But why do

11:44

they blush? Because blood flows through their

11:47

skin in an eldritch and non-Euclidean

11:49

way. No, it's actually mapped out by a

11:51

pretty serious... Shut the fuck up, Freddy. Let's

11:53

play Dungeons and Dragons. Let's go. We're not

11:55

playing Dungeons and Dragons. We're playing Dungeons and

11:57

Dragons! When

12:05

we last left off, Tony Collette had been

12:07

shot through the heart and you're too lame.

12:10

You give Carl Cthulhu. Finish

12:14

this audience. No, Freddy was my

12:16

alley-oop. That's what made that joke so funny. Boy

12:20

oh boy. So yeah, Tony Collette had been shot through the

12:22

heart. Nice. He was shot through the chest,

12:24

let's say. Yeah, okay, nice. He stole my weasel his

12:26

way out of this. He's hurtling towards an intersection. I'm

12:28

not really interested in what's happening with Tony. Can we

12:30

do something else? Yes, we can. We're going to do

12:32

your scene, Matt. So actually, no,

12:34

first we got a little timey-wimey

12:36

stuff going on. We

12:46

have to jump back a little bit to,

12:49

would you guys want to do Tony first? Yeah, I want to do Tony.

12:51

I want to see if he dies. All right.

12:53

I thought it would be fun since Tony's bleeding

12:55

out. He's hurtling towards him in a doom. He's

12:57

about to cross a very busy intersection in his

12:59

dangerous 1950s car. I thought it would

13:01

be fun if your entire life flashed before your eyes.

13:04

Oh wow. And

13:07

if you guys want to help out by playing some of the

13:09

characters in Tony's life as they come up, just jump on in

13:11

there. So Freddy, take it away. Okay,

13:14

all right. I can't support this child.

13:16

Please take him. And

13:19

also really quick, really quick, Anthony, what

13:21

you're saying, it's in Italian and that's

13:23

the English subtitles. It's Italian. Okay.

13:26

Imagine the fucking Godfather to exactly imagine

13:28

the Tuscan countryside, dude, like there's like

13:30

a fucking tree line road. You know

13:32

what? Well, trivia facts, the same road

13:34

they using gladiator. I thought I wanted

13:36

a child, but then I

13:38

was around him and I don't want

13:40

to be anymore. Will

13:42

somebody take this baby?

13:45

Italian. Why? Hey,

13:48

little Tony. Yeah, don't

13:50

worry. We'll be going back to the fire station

13:52

soon. Why just walk forward, just walk into the

13:54

woods. Just keep going. Okay,

13:57

so then Tony... Hey, a baby. Man. hours

14:00

later. Pedro we can't have a baby. Papa?

14:02

Yes we can have a baby. Two men

14:04

having a baby at this time? Ay

14:07

yi yi we have to keep it secret. We

14:09

both get married but together we know who we are.

14:11

We keep him in a cabin in the woods and

14:14

we'll raise him in Italian style. We

14:16

shall prove to everybody we shall raise

14:18

the finest of babies. We'll hunt for

14:20

our food. Now we cut to Tony

14:23

Collette. Tony had seven parodies. Seven years

14:25

old. Chopping wood alone

14:27

in the trees. He wipes his

14:29

brow with a sweaty dirty forearm.

14:32

And then a black town car

14:34

pulls up and an old gangster

14:37

gets out and says Hey

14:39

get down to here and I'll be your

14:42

fucking guy. I'm a chopping wood. Little

14:44

boy. My

14:47

advantage. I must think

14:49

of the advantage. They come by once every

14:51

few days. Hey Pedro how much do we

14:53

really love our baby? Oh I'm his mother.

14:55

I raised him. Hi I'm a house cat

14:57

that talks. This is my magic. He has

15:00

two daddies but he also had a mother's

15:02

touch. We want to get back inside and

15:04

protect the talking cat. They come for it

15:06

finally. The people from the factory, the lab,

15:08

they come for the cat. Pedro I love

15:10

you. I love you. I always love you.

15:13

Our child. Don't risk your life for our

15:15

child. It's not really our child. Let's be

15:17

honest. I risk my life for his family

15:19

every day. I put my life on the

15:21

line for the cat and the boy. You

15:24

do. In that order. What do you want

15:27

mysterious man from the town car? Oh Papa

15:29

you're here. Yes I did

15:31

here. I was inside while you chopped the wood.

15:33

I make it a food for us. It's so

15:35

nice. I make a food you chop in the

15:37

wood. That's how we work. It

15:40

takes me a very long time to track

15:43

the two of you down. My two greatest

15:45

assassins who fell in love and got married

15:47

and ran out to the woods. We didn't

15:49

get married. It's not legal. We all know

15:51

under the eyes of the true God and

15:53

supports such things that you are married and

15:56

I find that to be beautiful but I

15:58

am also enraged because you took from me

16:00

the most valuable thing that I own. My

16:02

talking cat. Oh yeah,

16:04

yeah, you're gonna have your cat back. Oh no,

16:06

don't send me back there. No, Papa, no, Papa,

16:08

not Giuseppe. Giuseppe

16:11

stays with us. Giuseppe is my only friend.

16:13

They let me drink milk, it's okay back

16:15

then. I keep on

16:17

Giuseppe the cow milk every day.

16:19

Very well, Aslila, this is a

16:21

family and because you stole my

16:23

family, I have a proposal for

16:25

you. Which will you shoot? Oh,

16:28

you can have the kid. You

16:31

said they're the finest assassins. Pedro

16:34

pulls out the sniper rifle. I'm Pedro? Okay, yeah,

16:36

I pull out my sniper rifle. Oh yeah, that's

16:38

my name, Pedro. Your name is either Luigi or

16:41

Giovanni depending on which one I decide. Giovanni Luigi,

16:43

the greatest of all the snipers. The passenger door

16:45

opens. Did you just shoot

16:47

my partner? Oh shit! Damn,

16:51

Pedro, I said we should have had more than one bullet

16:53

in the sniper rifle. It's okay, I

16:55

will strangle this one to death with my bare hands.

16:58

It's okay, I was also in love with my

17:00

partner. Now I will let his voice speak through

17:02

me. Are you

17:04

a medium? What the fuck? Yes! Holy

17:07

shit. I very upset mama be thin.

17:10

My partner, who I love more than anything in

17:12

the world will be very lonely. And

17:14

I owe all I wish is for him to have either

17:16

a talking cat or a son. And

17:19

nobody's taking this cat, I'm trying to. Oh my

17:21

god. But to

17:23

Papa. And then in this moment, Tony

17:25

realizes that his two parents loved this

17:27

talking, magical cat. More than him. And

17:29

he goes like, I will become a

17:32

sassine. Take me,

17:34

take me into the life of crime.

17:37

And Tony boards the limousine,

17:39

like so wistfully

17:41

and so fucking forlornly as he looks

17:44

out the window, as the cat doesn't

17:46

even wave at him. And the two.

17:48

Finally, I'm in the sun. Oh,

17:51

nice, I'm going to nap. And

17:54

as we pull away from this scene, Tony, you see

17:56

it's like a little bumpy fucking Italian road, dude. Little

17:59

dust coming out the back. in the black car, you

18:01

see Tony's head pop off from the back, just sad,

18:03

like, ooh. And then we

18:05

disappear. Can't believe my partner's dead. Cut

18:08

to Tony's 13th birthday.

18:12

Oh, a mafioso birthday. A mafioso birthday,

18:14

but we're no longer. My son, you

18:17

came back. What?

18:20

You're back in the forest with us. Yes. You

18:23

changed your mind about the mafia. Come here, come

18:25

here little Tony, come here. It's no longer little Tony.

18:28

Hey, don't talk to your dad that way. It's...

18:33

Luigi, Luigi, Luigi, you used

18:35

the back of the head

18:37

like this. Pedro,

18:40

don't tell me you had to slap my child.

18:42

We'll do it together. Pedro, let

18:44

me see your face. Bring it over here. What is he?

18:46

Here you go. Don't tell me I do father. Oh, don't

18:48

tell me I do father. You don't tell me I do

18:50

father. Now listen here, Tony, listen here. I love you so

18:52

much. I love you so much, too. And Tony... We'll

18:54

do some more slapping later, but Tony, I'll tell you one thing,

18:57

I'll tell you one thing. The only thing that matters in life

18:59

is become a used car salesman. Have

19:02

a real job, not like your father's there,

19:04

sassinos. Have a real good job, like selling

19:06

the cars. If you

19:08

sell the most cars, we will love you. I think

19:10

I'm dying. And

19:13

Tony walks straight up to the cat and picks up

19:15

the cat and says, I am

19:18

here for the cat. I pull a

19:20

gun out. You will never take it. You're not taking the

19:22

cat, Tony. Put a gun to the cat's head. Oh,

19:25

no, no. Don't take it to the cat.

19:27

No, take the cat. I'll do anything to

19:29

get by. Just let me live with this boy. He's

19:31

got FIV. He's going to be around for like 10

19:33

more minutes. It's fine. And

19:36

Tony walks slowly backwards with the

19:38

cat, like held at gunpoint and

19:40

said, Papa, Papa. Yes, which

19:42

one? Both. Yes. Yes, both of us.

19:45

You have bed, Papa. And he gets in

19:47

the car and drives away. What did he say?

19:49

I didn't make up. I didn't make up that last

19:51

thing he said. You have bed? You know what? I

19:54

think our son's going to be OK. And

19:57

then you strap Italian rug, bumping along.

19:59

And then the backseat of this black car,

20:01

you see a little cat pop up. And

20:04

I'm like, thank God they don't know I'm

20:06

actually a man trapped in a cat's body.

20:08

On my friend's 13th birthday, I turned back

20:11

into a man and

20:13

I'm tasked to kill the boy who

20:15

took me from my family. And

20:17

just then, the clock strikes midnight. What's

20:22

up? Oh! Oh! But

20:24

she totally pulls the car over on

20:26

the side of the Italian countryside road.

20:30

Oh, and I beat you up and I

20:32

steal the gun. I'm like, you must go

20:34

to America. Who

20:38

the fuck are you? Ela's Island. My

20:41

son! Oh, Ela's Island! We know we love

20:43

you! It's more beautiful here than I could

20:45

ever imagine. Oh, you grow up so good!

20:47

And you still have the cat with you.

20:49

There's a boy now. There's a boy now.

20:51

But I can tell that cat can't count.

20:53

But I can tell that cat can't count.

20:55

Oh, come here. Give me a hug, my

20:57

own cat. Yeah, I can

20:59

give you a hug with my hands now. Oh,

21:01

I couldn't do that. I still love milk. You're

21:04

such a tall boy, you know what? What? And

21:06

then I shoot Tony Collette. Oh my god.

21:08

And I go, you, you cat, you are

21:10

the true Tony Collette. From now on, you'll

21:12

be known as Tony Collette. You think all

21:14

of his memories and everything he just did,

21:17

all the development we just did, and that's

21:19

you now. Which means that you

21:22

had a loving childhood, 13 years with

21:24

your parents in an Italian countryside, but

21:26

now you're in America. Wow, what will

21:28

my voice sound like now? Oh no,

21:30

give it a shot. Try talking now.

21:32

Ahem. Well, I think that...

21:34

Oh, our son. Our

21:38

son, our beautiful son. I love you.

21:41

Oh, what a happy family. But we live in America

21:43

now. So I still think you should be a cousin.

21:45

But we're in America now. We need to blend in

21:47

with the Americans. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Don't

21:51

interrupt your dance. You're 13 now. You're

21:53

a man. You do not come to us

21:56

for anything anymore. We

21:58

came here for 13 years. Your father's an... And now

22:00

we get to your father's now we have multiple. We

22:03

have more fathers now. We have multitudes. And

22:05

then the Ellis Allen guy goes

22:07

like, next. And then

22:10

Tony ambles up all by himself. My last name

22:12

is Colletti, but daddy look what I'm adding. How

22:15

many people are you with, Mr. Colletti, DiBoopity

22:17

Boppy? And I turn around and I look

22:19

at my parents slash my cat parents. I

22:22

turn and I go, just me. And

22:25

we'll put you down as Tony Solo.

22:31

No, no, that's not my name. All right, Mr.

22:33

Solo off you go. That's not my name. Hey

22:36

Pedro, look over there. It's Tony's Star Wars. Pedro, look

22:38

over there. Do you see that? I see that. And

22:40

then across the distance you see a stray cat. It's

22:42

like, you want to have another child? Yes, I do.

22:45

Can we pick up another cat? So Tony

22:47

came from which dads in the Italian countryside.

22:51

Assassin which dads. I

22:53

think Tony is 18. OK. And

22:56

oh my whole episode, by the way. I

22:59

hope nobody had any hopes that their character was going

23:01

to move forward because it's just this. Oh, wait, wait,

23:03

so I really think real quick, let's back up for

23:06

a second. Tony at 16 is about to parallel park

23:08

and then the horse gets fucking scared. His car is

23:10

like, I'll tell you what, my good man. Why don't

23:12

you just let me pass

23:15

this test here and I'll make sure

23:17

to put in a good word for

23:19

you at the Italian

23:21

restaurant I'm working at. You

23:24

come to me and the test that I am

23:26

running, this driver's test, and you assume that I

23:28

am not already have a very good reputation at

23:30

the Italian restaurant in which I own. Oh

23:33

my God. What are you doing? Don't

23:36

you own the Italian restaurant? Why are you doing?

23:38

I also like to mentoring and guide you despite

23:40

teaching them how to drive. You're working at the

23:42

DMV. Yes, being an Italian restaurant owner does not

23:44

pay very well. And so Tony, I tell you.

23:47

Well, you know how well I'm getting paid. I'll

23:49

tell you what, let me pass this driver's test.

23:51

I'll be able to do deliveries for the restaurant.

23:54

Oh, I'm so scared. Quick,

23:56

cover the car. Quick, cover the car. My horse

23:58

is terrified by this horse. I'm sorry

24:00

sir, I need that, I need that. Yes, I know the

24:02

horse is not used to seeing a carriage without a horse

24:05

on it. Let me just cover this up really quick. Get

24:07

this metal behemoth out of the way. Cover it. Mr.

24:09

Collette, Tony. Yes. For

24:12

these last five or so years I've

24:14

looked on you as a son. Yes,

24:16

I've heard that before. From a distance,

24:18

a respectful distance. And now

24:20

I say to you, you must go

24:22

your own way. For not

24:24

being able to parallel park, I fire you

24:26

him by from an Italian restaurant. Because

24:29

we are going to get into pizza deliveries

24:31

and I cannot trust a driver in New

24:33

York City who cannot parallel park his car.

24:35

You dishonor pizza delivery by not being able

24:37

to accomplish this task. And more than that,

24:39

I think you should get out of New

24:41

York City entirely. I think you need to

24:43

go to a quieter place that is okay

24:45

with horse's carriages and your disgusting visage. Hey

24:47

buddy, have you heard of San Dimas? Wait,

24:49

not San Dimas. No shit. Who had that?

24:52

I don't know of San Dimas. What is that? A peachy

24:54

valve, have you heard of peachy valve? Hold on, Matt, you're

24:56

getting the timelines wrong because the guy comes in and guess

24:58

what? He's got a calendar on the drugstore across the street.

25:01

It's in the morning. It's December 7th, 1941. That

25:05

was when Tony was taking his driver's test. Hey buddy, you got

25:07

two options here. You can either have this coupon to go to

25:09

peachyville or you can have this coupon to go to war. What

25:12

do you want? December 7th, 1941. A

25:15

day which will live in infamy. Not

25:17

for Matt, apparently. A

25:19

man comes up to the window. Holy shit, you

25:21

know what happened in Pearl Harbor? And

25:23

then the war drums newsreel footage. Yeah,

25:27

yeah, yeah, yeah. Read all

25:29

about it. Hey

25:32

mister, if you could sell me

25:34

that car, I'll give you all my newspaper money

25:37

to get out of here and start a new

25:39

life. What does the newspaper say,

25:41

other child? Oh, it's saying all kinds

25:43

of stuff. It said that a horse down

25:45

the street got scared by a car. Here,

25:47

give me this. What is this? American hero

25:49

Tony Collette kills 30 Nazis with

25:51

just a knife? Oh, what

25:53

an amazing person. I wonder what's going to

25:56

happen to cause this fall from grace. Wait,

25:58

wait, wait, Tony. Tony's overseas. There's a different

26:00

kid that's talking to the newspaper boy. Yeah,

26:02

yeah, yeah, yeah. Tony Collette

26:04

declared dead, but his body is not

26:06

discovered. Anybody could be

26:08

Tony Collette, but he's a warrior. What is

26:11

this? The newspaper. This

26:13

is the next day. The first day he was killed 30 knots. He

26:16

was the second day. You were telling your story. Hold

26:18

on, Matt, because what you're saying,

26:20

though, unfortunately, there's a timeline rift

26:23

because that can't be Tony Collette

26:25

because Tony Collette on December 7, 1941, after

26:28

failing his driver's license test and after succumbing

26:31

to zero peer pressure about going to fight

26:33

World War II, walks

26:35

into the recruitment office the day after. You

26:40

there, young lad. How old are you? Because it seemed

26:42

like you were 16, but now you're 18. I'm 18.

26:45

You're 18. So 10 years

26:47

from now, you'll be 28. And

26:49

that's how old you are during the rest

26:51

of the podcast. We don't take

26:53

Italians. No,

26:56

no, no. Here's what it was. Here's what it was.

26:58

Yes, you're right. You're right. You're right.

27:00

He was 26 when he was giving his driver's test. OK,

27:02

so he failed his mo. OK, all right. It took him

27:04

a while. Yeah, yeah. All right. Let's

27:07

walk back. Tony Collette, I have been your

27:09

DMV instructor for these last 10 years. For

27:12

10 years, as I have watched as you become

27:14

from a boy to a man. And yet still,

27:16

after 10 years of trying, you cannot park a

27:18

parallel car. I hereby say to you, you shall

27:21

never have a driver's license in the state of

27:23

New York. And I kiss you on the lips

27:25

as the kiss of death from the DMV. Yeah, OK.

27:28

Jump forward. Jump forward. Jump forward. It

27:31

is now December 8, 1941. Tony is walking into the

27:33

army. See there, you're a strapping young lad. How'd you like to

27:35

go kill Nazis? Yesterday was all about the Japanese, to be fair.

27:38

Well, same difference, my boy. Wow,

27:40

all you guys. They all look

27:42

the same in the end. Well, I'm just not sure about

27:44

going over and fighting a war. Maybe sell me on the

27:46

war a little bit. Like, what's it going to be like?

27:48

If you don't fight him over there, you're going to have

27:50

to fight him over here. Do you want a tank rolling

27:52

down Flatbush Avenue? Crushing people that you love and care about?

27:54

Yeah, yeah. Do you want to go overseas and

27:56

kiss pretty for an woman? Women,

28:00

son, well... Mr. And...

28:03

And... And... Excuse

28:05

me. I

28:07

just said you would look so strapping in

28:10

a... This is not a

28:12

good Russian accent. Oh, this

28:14

is not a Russian accent at all. Wait,

28:16

wait. Ahem. You would look

28:18

so strapping in a... What's your name, babe?

28:21

Anastasia. Anastasia's alive here.

28:26

I just wish that... Why don't you tell me

28:28

more about this war, the malt shop across the

28:30

street? Sure. Well, you were gonna sign

28:32

up? All right, well... See, Tony got distracted, you see.

28:35

He signed up, but he had like just one day

28:37

with the girl of his dreams. He had one day

28:39

with the girl of dreams. So, all right, give us

28:41

a sample of this before sunrise, 1941, whirlwind 24 hour

28:43

romance you

28:45

guys had. I

28:47

cry, never gonna hold the hand of another guy.

28:49

I have a crazy idea. I don't know if

28:52

I, you know, it's just gonna haunt me for

28:54

the rest of my life. I

28:56

just wanna keep talking to you, you know? I have no

28:58

idea what your situation is, but I feel like we have

29:00

some kind of a connection, right? Come

29:02

on, it'll be fun. Let's go to this malt shop across the

29:05

street. Come on, I don't know. All you have to do is

29:07

catch a flight overseas to fight the war, World War II. Tomorrow

29:09

morning at 9.30, I don't really have enough money

29:11

for a hotel, so I was just gonna walk around and it'll be

29:13

a lot more fun if you came with me. And if I turn

29:15

out to be some kind of psycho, you know, you can just get

29:17

on the next train. Is that chat G.P.C.? No,

29:19

that's literally from the war sunrise. Well,

29:22

yes, if you promise to meet me

29:24

at this train five years from

29:27

now or whatever they do at the end of

29:29

that movie. Yeah, okay, okay, you've got, Tony misses

29:31

that because at some point, so he's walked into

29:33

the recruitment office. Let me recap here. So in

29:35

the recruitment office, he got distracted by a lady.

29:37

He spent a whirlwind night with the lady. It's

29:40

like a real- Let's ask her, was it a whirlwind

29:42

night? It was fine. It's fine, it's

29:45

fine. But for Tony, it really got him onto a

29:47

whole kick because then he re- Is that how you

29:49

lost his virginity? No. No,

29:51

we knew he was a cat. Here's

30:00

the thing. Here's the thing. Here's the

30:02

thing. Tony doesn't go overseas. Tony

30:05

doesn't ever even sign up instead.

30:07

He's a draft dodger. Tony's

30:10

a draft dodger because his one whirlwind

30:12

night with this mysterious Russian lady. Sorry,

30:15

I just, sorry, I just,

30:17

since I have the headphones on, Beth just gave

30:20

the most like, oh, God. Like the

30:22

most car tower was. That's what the

30:25

night with the lady was. It

30:27

wasn't a fine for me. So

30:29

that one night with the lady made me be like, wait,

30:31

there are other things. I don't want to go to war.

30:33

He's hearing stories about people. He's great.

30:36

I go war. I

30:38

like having sex with women here.

30:44

So he moves to a little town

30:46

in Oklahoma where he's getting paid now

30:48

for the next 10 years, essentially

30:51

laying low, working with the

30:54

criminal underground. Pedro, as we're

30:56

fighting for Mussolini. The

30:58

greatest of all leaders. Do you ever feel that

31:00

we may come face to face with our own

31:02

son on the battlefield? I hope we never have

31:04

to see our son again. I would have to

31:06

shoot them right. I was shooting Mussolini for the

31:08

greatest of leader. Everybody will remember him. I remember

31:10

that we were fighting for the Nazis. We were

31:13

fighting for the Nazis. Look, it's Federico Fellini. Federico

31:15

Fellini. What do you feel about Mussolini? I

31:17

like him a lot. Meanwhile,

31:21

back in America, back in a little town in

31:23

Oklahoma, back in a little city in Oklahoma

31:26

called De War, Oklahoma. Did you take

31:28

into Anastasia with you or did you

31:30

just leave her? No, she fucking left

31:32

me, dog. Okay. I'm working with the

31:35

criminal underground because that's how I got in with the girls. I'm building

31:37

up a bunch of cash and I hope

31:39

you tie it together. This

31:42

episode is your whole fucking life and it ends. Here's

31:45

the best part about it, about this little clever

31:47

conceit I've come up with. You see,

31:49

he was working and living in De War, Oklahoma. He

31:51

can say with a stray face, head in De War.

31:53

I was in De War. And that's a lie, Detective

31:55

Taz. When I was in De War, I was in

31:57

De War. I

32:00

learned this on every time if you'll know this every

32:02

time I've said the war uh-huh in this podcast I've

32:05

said the war okay. Yeah a

32:07

weird pronunciation of an actual city Okay,

32:10

anyway Tony collects enough cash to

32:12

be able to afford now Finally he realizes the

32:14

real grift coming out is he's hearing all these

32:16

stories about jeeps He's like well jeeps are getting

32:19

better in Warlord 2. I bet cards get better

32:21

here afterwards I should only use car a lot

32:23

so with his cash earnings from the mob he

32:25

moves on over to the new community That's

32:28

being set up to me Sir

32:31

you look like a man.

32:33

I used to know a Man

32:35

that was another life, baby a

32:37

man by the name of

32:40

Tony solo Tony

32:42

solo is dead What

32:45

he's looking at a he was fine He

32:49

died in the war. I'm

32:51

Tony and they looking around for another name He

32:53

sees a Corvette, but then mispronounces it to collect

32:56

I know what are the

32:58

odds right? I know sometimes

33:01

will life weaves a complicated?

33:04

Tapestry and we never know where

33:06

those threads may refine themselves Rejoin

33:09

the car you just see a cat remember like

33:11

oh what I was a cat I was called

33:13

Tony In

33:15

another life. I would have liked

33:17

just Meeting up every

33:19

10 years and doing a movie with you Well

33:23

too bad to say oh the car life there you go

33:25

buy a car get the hell out He

33:28

points to a sign that says buy a car or

33:30

get the hell out now. I keep losing customers Wait

33:33

a minute. What if I rented the cars

33:35

to the corny teens and then that's his

33:38

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I Really

37:57

understand Tony It's

38:00

just your typical cat becomes boy meets girl

38:02

doesn't go to war opens the used car

38:04

lot story. Yeah, everyone knows that and then

38:08

He's losing conscious. What a fucking great life

38:10

that was Yeah, baby.

38:12

Well, can I can I really had a

38:15

fun idea for a possible gameplay thing for

38:17

the whether or not? He hits the car.

38:19

I think we can pull up

38:21

a YouTube video of just an intersection. I pretty fix

38:23

a time I I

38:39

Freddie told me what he wants to do. Here's a I

38:43

have looking at my character sheet. Uh-huh

38:46

61 luck points remaining. Okay, I proposed

38:48

to our keeper that I Hereby

38:51

burn all my luck for

38:53

the rest of the game zero luck. No more

38:55

luck. It helps in any role whatsoever I can't

38:57

gain luck anymore. I burn it all. Uh-huh for

39:00

me to glide into the intersection right

39:02

in front of an ambulance Like

39:07

the luck of I just got shot

39:09

and seconds later I plow into the

39:11

side of an ambulance the look of

39:13

the Italian. All right, so here's what

39:15

we're doing Tony Collette having had his

39:17

entire incredibly stupid life that I regret

39:19

having you guys play the characters for

39:21

flash His eyes is hurtling

39:23

towards this intersection per Matt's suggestion

39:25

I'm gonna click and see if there's a

39:27

car in the intersection and we're looking at

39:29

the four corners camera downtown city of cold

39:31

water Michigan of cold water, Michigan is gonna

39:33

stand in Ford peachy Phil right now. I'm

39:35

going to click and then we'll

39:37

see what happens Not

39:41

only is there a car in the section Here's

39:56

what I see I see a semi

39:58

truck the intersection but I also see it's

40:00

just the back trailer part. Now here's the

40:03

question. Do I scoot through Fast and Furious

40:05

style underneath the middle part? Your car is

40:07

huge. There's no way it's going to go

40:09

on. I'm not saying it's going

40:12

to go on on scape. I'm saying, well,

40:14

if the top gets sheared off, you know

40:16

what I mean? Like underneath, yeah, with your

40:18

head. No, because I got shot. I'm actually

40:20

down because I got shot. There is no

40:22

way a Ford headsole is going to fit

40:24

under the back. It's going to get

40:26

its top shaved off and I'm going to invent the convertible.

40:28

However, however,

40:31

however, listen, you're right. Cars weren't as low

40:33

back then, but you know what also wasn't

40:35

as low semi trucks weren't as low back

40:37

then. They weren't the type of Ford headsole

40:39

gap under their fucking carriage. You get hit

40:41

by the truck. I get hit by

40:43

the truck. Yes. You get deboned by the truck.

40:46

So here's what we're going to say. If you

40:48

burn all of your luck right now, you

40:51

can tell me how Tony weaseled his way out of dying.

40:54

OK, no luck. Go ahead. Beth, we're

40:56

using. I think you should die. No,

41:01

no, I burning all my luck. Here's what happens.

41:03

I get shot. I roll through the intersection. The

41:05

truck T bones me. It sends me

41:07

into a flat spin. You were starting to

41:09

do like the ending monologue from American beauty,

41:11

like with your life flashing before your eyes.

41:14

And then, yeah, this happens. I was

41:16

a cat. And then it

41:18

sends my car spinning through the

41:20

intersection and goes and right

41:22

into the receiving emergency room of

41:24

the hospital kitty corner across the

41:27

street. And I go, and

41:29

the momentum kicks me out of the car and

41:31

I land on the ground. You land on an

41:33

open hospital car, an open hospital gurney, which that

41:35

the momentum of it then pushes me into the

41:38

emergency room. I've been shot. I've been

41:40

shot. And you're spinning so fast that like a centrifuge

41:42

like a spun the bullet out of your body. And

41:44

then when you fly to the OR and the

41:46

doctor looks down, you go, I can't operate on

41:48

this. You

41:51

must do it. You must do it. We survived

41:53

the war and they let us come over here

41:55

even though we are not the sympathizers. We

41:58

must save this boy. I'm not letting them know this

42:01

thing. I'm not a moderation paper clip, but I have to open

42:03

up this boy like I opened up so many allied soldiers across

42:05

the park. Papa? Papa?

42:08

We are not your papa, you do not know us. We promise we would

42:10

never let them know who we were. Yes,

42:12

we must keep you secret and safe. Otherwise they

42:14

might try to torture you for information about us.

42:17

But my son, we can never meet again. This

42:19

is the last time I'll see you. And then

42:21

the fucking anesthesia goes on to Tony Clark. Anesthesia's

42:23

alive? Anesthesia's alive?

42:26

My love, my true love. I'm hallucinating.

42:29

Pedro, make sure nobody's looking. Nobody's looking.

42:31

I pull out a little magical vial

42:34

that's got a small stone engraving of

42:36

him as a cat. And in it,

42:38

you see one marble and clearly this

42:40

vial held nine marbles. And

42:43

I pull out this glowing green marble and

42:45

I slowly place it in his mouth and

42:47

I say, leave one more time, my sweet

42:49

baby boy. And I move your

42:51

jaw to chew it for you. Nom, nom, nom. You've

42:54

worked through so many of these other ones in such

42:56

a short time. My boy, please be more careful with

42:58

your life. Please, I

43:00

beg of you. All right, so

43:03

then Tony succumbs to the inky

43:05

black of anesthesiology. Okay,

43:08

we'll pick up with Tony in a second. What

43:11

a fucking life he's led. Yeah, that was

43:13

a life for sure. You

43:17

guys wanted to see what happened with him. Just

43:20

to summarize your life, you were a

43:22

cat. Yeah, I was a boy. And

43:24

then you failed a driver's license at 26. That's

43:26

what we got. And

43:29

you had a whirlwind night with a woman who you

43:32

decided to never see again. And you had sex

43:34

one time. You failed

43:36

your driver's license and had sex one time.

43:38

That's what we got for fucking 40 minutes

43:41

of your whole life. I fucking love it.

43:51

Tony's a legend, dude. Tony's a legend.

43:56

All right, okay boys. Fuck.

44:00

And as you plunge into darkness, and

44:02

Tony goes unconscious, Trudy Trout

44:04

awakens. And

44:06

Trudy, you find yourself lying on a bed. There's

44:10

a mosquito net draped around it, as

44:12

maybe in a sort of old-timey movie, like

44:15

when they're on safari or something like that. And you

44:17

can't quite see beyond the mesh of the net, but

44:20

the space around you seems to be filled with

44:22

a sort of eerie glow, I would say. And

44:25

you see the shadows of moths

44:27

smuttering around the outside of this

44:29

mosquito net. Wow, thank goodness

44:31

for this mosquito net, or else I

44:33

would get moths all over. Why are

44:35

there moths here? Hello, is anybody there?

44:37

You also notice that the hole in

44:39

your chest where you got impaled seems

44:41

to have been fixed. Even the tear

44:43

in your dress has been sort of

44:45

meticulously stitched back up. Oh, okay.

44:50

Help, is anybody there? Can

44:53

I get up? Yes, you can move now as well. Yeah, so

44:55

I move. I'm

44:57

like, oh, well, that's a relief. And

45:00

I get up and I guess I

45:02

go outside of the mosquito moth net.

45:05

So as you emerge from under the

45:07

mosquito net, you see that you're in

45:09

this huge underground cavern, like this massive

45:11

underground cave. And in fact, there's an

45:13

underground lake here as well. There's just

45:15

like this big body of water. There's

45:17

strange lights emanating from below the surface,

45:19

and there's this massive bulbous object. It

45:21

looks like almost like a big cocoon,

45:24

made from some sort of strange iridescent

45:26

material. It's like half submerged in the

45:28

water. Life kind of warps along its

45:30

surface, almost like an oil slick. It's

45:32

mesmerizing. Oh, and

45:34

it's under the water. It's like poking

45:37

out of the water. Like it's half

45:39

out of the water. Are there any

45:41

like sticks or things that poke

45:43

things that are around? Yeah, you know what? We'll

45:45

say there's like a tree branch down here. You

45:47

don't know what it's doing down here. There's also

45:50

rocks along the shore of this lake. All right,

45:52

so I pull a tree branch. Oh,

45:55

this looks like a giant

45:57

earring. I'm gonna

45:59

touch it. So I poke it

46:01

with the branch. As you poke

46:03

it, it sort of makes a hollow gong. Like

46:06

this really kind of like boom, almost like

46:08

a serene kind of like a bell-bing rung at a Buddhist monastery.

46:11

And as that happens, you see bubbles under

46:13

the surface of the water, and they get

46:15

more and more intense. And

46:18

then with this magnificent geyser of water, a

46:21

half man, half moth shoots out of

46:23

the water, flapping his wings

46:25

into the sky. With two glowing eyes,

46:27

water dripping off of

46:30

his glistening carapace. And

46:33

he does look fit. He does

46:35

look fit. He does in point of fact. He's got a

46:37

bit of like a sexy wound on the side from where

46:39

Francis whacked him with his baseball bat. It's kind of wincing

46:41

a little bit. But he blasts out of the water, and

46:45

he lands gracefully right in front of

46:47

you. I'm

46:49

immune to your charms because I only like Tucker,

46:52

except not really anymore. Except

46:55

I do, in my soul, if I

46:59

have a soul, and. He

47:01

holds a big fish out in front of you.

47:03

Like this fish he's grabbed from down there is

47:05

like flopping and it's still like kind of gasping

47:07

for air. He has this sort of like weird

47:09

device in his hand, and he sticks it up

47:12

to his thorax. And he makes

47:14

all these weird clicking noises, these like

47:16

squeaky clicks that are clearly how he

47:18

communicates. And then a robotic voice comes

47:20

out of this device, and it says,

47:22

eat. Oh,

47:26

sure. Do you have

47:28

a, well, I could cook the

47:30

fish. I wouldn't want to kill

47:32

the fish. He whacks the fish against the ground.

47:35

It's like bam, bam, bam. And

47:37

then he hands it back to you. Trudy, eat,

47:40

power, brain. Power,

47:43

brain. And he just gives you the fish. Okay,

47:46

I take the fish. That's

47:49

what I tell my little ones, that

47:51

eating makes their brains and their bones

47:53

so strong. And well,

47:56

let's see if there's an oven and

47:58

I can throw some bread. and he

48:00

shakes his head. Time short. Time.

48:03

Danger soon. Trudy,

48:06

follow. And an aperture opens on

48:08

this metal cocoon, and

48:12

sort of like a beam of light stretches

48:14

out across the water, and he kind of just walks across the water.

48:18

It's just a short gap, like it's, you know. Oh my goodness, it's

48:20

Jesus. He looks like

48:22

a giant moth. He motions for you to

48:24

follow him across this beam of light. Oh,

48:26

and the fish, of course. Of

48:29

course. Where's the love, Jesus? I

48:34

take a bite out of the fish. OK, great.

48:36

Yeah. You know what? This is like eating the

48:38

freshest sushi you could possibly eat. Oh, it's like

48:41

a Swedish fish. This is

48:43

delightful. Wow. He walks into the light.

48:45

I follow him. OK. As

48:47

you step in, the inside of this

48:49

structure is as baffling as the outside.

48:52

High sloping walls seem to curve seamlessly

48:54

into the floor, which has like a

48:56

kind of organic sponginess to it, almost

48:59

like you're walking on skin. It's utterly alien,

49:01

yet somehow peaceful in here. It's

49:03

like you're inside like a bug's womb or something

49:06

like that. Oh, wow. My least favorite Pixar movie.

49:08

Ah! It's also weirdly cluttered.

49:11

As you step into the room, you nearly trip on a pile

49:13

of like old paperback books stacked high in near

49:15

the doorway. There's piles of all sorts of junk in

49:17

here. You see like old

49:20

televisions, magazines, or pottery. This

49:22

looks just like Tucker's basement when

49:24

I don't clean it. He doesn't let

49:26

me clean it when all the things

49:28

are out. But then he puts books. I

49:32

don't even know what he was really doing down

49:34

there, but I have an idea. I wouldn't like

49:36

it very much. Moth Jesus, nothing

49:38

makes sense anymore. Moth Jesus

49:40

nods to you and

49:42

says, soon. Understanding.

49:46

And he points to, at the center

49:48

of the room, you see the bowling

49:50

trophy. Oh

49:52

my goodness. That's where it is. We lost

49:54

this. Well, you took it.

49:56

Yes. And he squats down next

49:59

to it and he plonks. and he lunges his hand into it,

50:02

and he comes up with a sort of

50:04

dewy, purplish nectar that's filling this

50:06

thing, and it's kind of glowing softly, and

50:08

he beckons you forward. Trudy, drink.

50:11

Trudy, see danger. Oh,

50:15

the blood of Moth Jesus.

50:19

Sure, if it's just Moth communion, I'll

50:22

drink it. Okay, so

50:24

he offers his hand to you. And

50:28

as you... Did you lick his hand? What was that? I

50:31

was slurping it. Oh, slurping the drink. Yeah.

50:33

Bro, if Jesus offered you a drink, you don't think you're

50:35

gonna be slurping that down, dude. Yeah. I didn't know it

50:37

looked like a cat. Swallowed like a glizzy. As

50:42

you drink this nectar, your eyes kind of

50:45

roll back, and you have a vision. You

50:48

see Peachyville engulfed in

50:50

flames. Dogs howl, and

50:52

cats scream, and babies wail as Peachyville

50:54

residents claw out their eyes, bite through

50:56

their tongues and writhe on the ground,

50:59

half in pain and half in sort

51:01

of orgiastic ecstasy. At

51:03

the center of town, dozens of figures,

51:05

men, women, and children clad in dark

51:07

robes and bison masks, cavort and sing

51:09

and laugh. A circle of

51:11

pallets, skeletal figures, and tattered lab

51:13

coats whisper words from flesh-bound tomes

51:15

to a seething mass of faggots

51:17

that grows and grows and grows.

51:20

A fighter jet streaks above you over

51:22

mainstream. A bomb drops, and

51:25

nuclear fire fills the sky. The

51:27

shadow of a mushroom cloud erupts

51:29

and wipes Peachyville from the map.

51:31

And as this mushroom cloud rises

51:33

into the sky, you see the

51:36

silhouette of some gigantic beast beginning

51:38

to rise within the clouds. And

51:41

then you snap back, and you

51:43

are holding this. There goes Mom's spaghetti.

51:46

Your hands are shaking and you're holding. This

51:49

liquid is dripping from your hands. There's vomit

51:51

on your sweater already. Mom's spaghetti.

51:53

And Mom's Jesus looks at you

51:55

and says, Peachyville,

51:57

danger soon. Zuzell

52:00

waits, unborn. Bison's

52:03

seek the seed. Trudy

52:06

stop Bison's. Trudy

52:08

stop Zuzell. Trudy

52:10

save Peachyville. I'm

52:13

just a housewife. I might

52:15

not even be that. I'm just

52:18

a robot housewife. No. Humans

52:21

weak. Moth Jesus

52:23

weak. And he puts a

52:25

hand on your shoulder. Trudy strong. Oh

52:27

shit. Oh, well,

52:32

I should pick up my kids from school and

52:35

think about all of this. And

52:39

maybe there's a great power

52:41

that has awoken inside me. But how do

52:43

I know it didn't come from an outlet,

52:46

you know? As you're

52:48

saying that, you hear another voice in the

52:50

corner. And it says, it came from you.

52:53

It came from us. And

52:55

you see Trudy Alpha, the original

52:57

Trudy. And she's kind of

53:00

lying on the ground amidst the scraps of

53:02

all this junk. And you see

53:04

that she now has a hole in her chest.

53:07

And she kind of weakly waves you forward.

53:10

Trudy, come quickly. I don't have much

53:12

time. Oh, OK. OK.

53:15

You're not going to hurt me. No. You

53:18

showed me. You showed me what we can

53:20

be, what we are. And

53:22

I told him to save you. I

53:25

told him to take my heart and give it to

53:27

you. Why would you say

53:29

that? Because, Trudy, we have

53:31

to help them. We have to

53:33

help our family and our friends.

53:36

Trudy's together strong. Trudy's together

53:38

strong. And what's in you?

53:41

It didn't come from an outlet. We

53:44

have to save Timmy. We have to save

53:46

our friends. We have to save her. We

53:49

are her, Trudy. Like

53:53

begonias grown

53:55

from the cuttings you see. And

53:57

then she reaches her hands up to

53:59

her. and she presses this button

54:01

on the side of her head and you

54:03

hear a click and she lifts up the

54:05

top of her skull and you see a

54:08

pulsing brain, like a flesh, a

54:10

human brain clipped into all these wires running

54:12

into her body. And she's like, Our

54:15

mind comes from her mind.

54:18

She is alive in us and

54:21

we have to save her and

54:24

the people she, and

54:26

the people she. And

54:29

then she just kind of like cocks

54:31

over. The people she, I

54:35

walk up to Trudy

54:37

Alpha and

54:39

I see if there's buttons on the side of my head.

54:42

There are. Okay, I press those

54:44

buttons. Do I

54:46

have a flesh brain? You sure do. Yeah,

54:48

okay, yes, Moth Jesus holds up a mirror for you. Oh

54:51

wow, oh wow, wow. It

54:53

is as Moth

54:55

Jesus said, Trudy

54:58

strong, Trudy different.

55:00

Well, where did these brains

55:02

come from? How can we both have one? If

55:06

we're her, then which did she

55:08

have two brains? I don't understand.

55:10

All of a sudden you hear this

55:12

like high pitched wailing sound emanating

55:15

bouncing around from it. Sounds like an alien

55:17

alarm basically. And the colors on the walls

55:19

begin to stroke violently and Moth Jesus throws

55:22

the mirror down and urgently runs over the

55:24

wall. He presses his hands against it. And

55:26

all of these strobing colors kind of slide

55:28

into a flickering image. And you see an

55:31

old weird bunker on the edge of town. And

55:34

the creature says to you, it begins.

55:37

There is no time, many deaths

55:39

soon. Will Trudy

55:42

save Peachyville? And he turns

55:44

to you and he puts out his hand. I

55:47

don't take his hand, but I

55:49

grabbed the trophy. Okay. I

55:52

say for Peachyville, we

55:55

won this for Peachyville. I'll

55:58

save it. Of course. I'll,

56:02

yes, yes, I'll

56:04

take care of it. Like I take

56:06

care of my family. Peachyville

56:08

is my family. It's

56:10

all connected and I am her and she is me and

56:13

I, I, I, I, I, ha. Yes,

56:16

Moth Jesus. I

56:19

rise. Moth Jesus

56:21

just kind of nods to you and

56:23

he rummages through a pile of

56:26

old crap on the ground and he pulls

56:28

out this book, this ancient weird book written

56:31

in a language you've never seen before and

56:33

he's banished you. He's banished you.

56:36

And he says, the words show

56:39

the way. Oh.

56:43

And then above you a portal

56:45

opens in the ceiling of

56:47

this place. Despite the fact that you're

56:49

clearly underground, you see the night sky

56:52

and the moon above you. You

56:54

can feel wind whipping into the air and

56:56

Moth Jesus, I can't believe

56:58

we're calling him Moth Jesus, steps behind you

57:01

and puts his hands on your hips and

57:04

says, we fly. And

57:06

with a powerful blast of his

57:08

wings, you launch out of this

57:10

cocoon through this portal and

57:13

you're in the night sky. And you realize

57:15

you're actually plummeting downward. You're hurtling back towards

57:17

the earth and you see all of Peachyville

57:19

glowing beneath you in the darkness like a

57:22

sort of jewel in the cosmos. Like

57:24

a monopoly boy. And Moth Jesus

57:26

swoops through the air holding you as

57:30

the wind whips around you and

57:32

you sort of like glide towards the edge of town and

57:35

you zoom towards this strange old bunker on

57:38

the edge of town. Dungeons

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podcast. Here's a

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show that we recommend. This

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is the perfect time to really kind of give

58:51

a perspective that Aileen and

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I think that we have we certainly

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hope we have on using

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Apple products as regular

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acast.com. And

59:27

not to be like teacher teacher but we didn't

59:29

like increase one of our skills. All

59:38

right everybody pick a skill. Fuck yeah spy

59:40

hidden dude I told you I'm fucking maxing this out.

59:44

I went mad I want spy hidden too. Now the only

59:46

one of us is gonna max spy hidden. We only need

59:48

one spy hidden person. Shut the fuck up and let Freddy

59:50

do whatever he wants. I'm gonna put mine in itself. Okay

59:52

so first thing we're gonna do is you're all

59:54

going to roll a d100. Okay all right let's

59:57

go down the road so Matt what are you adding your skill

59:59

to? Are you doing spot hidden or what are you doing? That's

1:00:01

fine. I'm gonna do spot hidden. Frank can do whatever he wants.

1:00:03

I call it spot hidden. I picked that class first. That's fair.

1:00:06

You can pick something else. I want to do spot hidden. Okay.

1:00:08

So roll me a D100. Okay. Is

1:00:11

it, what'd you get? What's your

1:00:13

spot hit? Congratulations.

1:00:16

You successfully advanced this skill. Roll

1:00:18

a D10. So

1:00:20

you have to roll over the skill that you want. You have

1:00:22

to roll over the skill in order to be able to- Yeah,

1:00:26

that makes sense. A 10. Well,

1:00:28

all right. Congratulations. You now have a- I

1:00:30

get 10 on it? Yeah. That's your points. Yeah, very sorry.

1:00:32

I got spot hidden bro. Yeah, yeah. You got 35. You

1:00:34

got 35 spot hidden bro. So why

1:00:37

is Kelsey better at spotting hidden things

1:00:39

after the crazy night she's had? She

1:00:41

being underneath the house all that

1:00:43

time. She, her eyes just acclimated to the dark. She

1:00:46

was- Oh dude, you know what it is? You know

1:00:48

what it is? You haven't spent enough time in dark

1:00:50

areas. It's the first time your pupils are dying. And

1:00:52

it is all this danger. It's just getting her senses

1:00:54

up. Like she's just been in constant. She's been in

1:00:56

constant danger for the past. She's in touch with her

1:00:58

animalists. 36 hours or whatever. Okay.

1:01:00

She's just more aware. Yeah.

1:01:02

And because, oh, and because she's been, well,

1:01:04

let me cook. And because she's been exposed

1:01:06

to being a gambler and this other stuff,

1:01:08

she's becoming more, she's just rising the weight

1:01:10

of all these lies that slowly come out.

1:01:12

She's becoming just more confident herself. So she's

1:01:14

just less energy spent on the anxiety of

1:01:17

being caught and more energy doing stuff that

1:01:19

she's seeing hidden stuff. When my lies come out,

1:01:21

I get more confident. Yeah. No,

1:01:24

but you're looking around more. I'm

1:01:27

going to do stealth. I rolled

1:01:29

barely above. I got 39. And

1:01:32

what's your stealth score? Okay.

1:01:35

So now I roll a D10. You roll a D10. I

1:01:37

got four. All right. So

1:01:39

you are now a little bit sneakier.

1:01:41

Nice. Maybe because you've realized your robot

1:01:44

origins. Wow. For some reason that makes you

1:01:46

sneakier. Yeah, because I couldn't move. I like,

1:01:48

I have become adept at not moving and

1:01:50

blending into my surroundings. Beautiful. I love it.

1:01:52

Francis, what are we doing? So we're doing fighting brawl. I

1:01:54

have a 65 fighting brawl. I rolled

1:01:56

an 82 and then I rolled a nine on

1:01:59

my D10. Damn. For

1:02:01

skill points. I know, I've set me for fighting

1:02:03

Brawl because this is the first time Francis ever

1:02:05

instigated a fight with Sven and won. Wow.

1:02:08

So he's given a lot of confidence now. Okay, great. That's all you need

1:02:10

to win a fight. That's all you need to win a fight or a

1:02:12

debate. Ha ha ha ha ha ha

1:02:14

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

1:02:16

ha ha. All right, Freddy, I would like to use persuasion,

1:02:18

so therefore I will roll, I rolled a 20. What's

1:02:22

your persuasion score? All right, too bad. That didn't

1:02:24

work. No. Too busy dyin'. Too

1:02:26

busy dyin' to get busy livin'. Meanwhile. In

1:02:28

the emergency room, there's blood shooting out of

1:02:31

Tony's chest, they go, don't you die on me, damn it.

1:02:34

Pedro, we should've just fed him a marble. That was just

1:02:36

a marble. Show stood out

1:02:38

a marble. They say placebos work, I'm

1:02:40

hoping that he... It

1:02:42

worked out the right times, I don't know why it

1:02:44

didn't work this time. Oh, why, it's unconscious, oh no.

1:02:47

This guy was doing just fine, now he's choking on

1:02:49

something, I put a marble in his throat. Pedro and

1:02:51

Luigi slowly creep out of the car. Who

1:02:53

are those people? Oh my God, this man needs to be

1:02:55

put under immediately. I need blood,

1:02:58

we got blood, we got blood this guy have. We put

1:03:00

more blood in him, it's running out of blood. We

1:03:03

got blood. Let's zip back to Francis. When you approach

1:03:05

your house, okay, so you see for one, the gaping

1:03:07

hole still on the side of the wall from where

1:03:09

Tony drove his Ford Edsel in there. What's your play?

1:03:12

Are you gonna walk straight in the door? Are you

1:03:14

gonna say hi to your parents? Are you gonna check

1:03:16

in? Are you trying to sneak in? What's going on?

1:03:18

I'm pretty tired, I think I'm just gonna go upstairs

1:03:20

and go to bed, I'm just gonna walk through the

1:03:23

front door and go straight

1:03:25

to my bedroom. Okay, so you walk in

1:03:27

and your parents Ed and Kimonwon are pacing

1:03:29

anxiously because they haven't heard anything from you

1:03:31

since the shootout at the Dryman movie theater.

1:03:33

And they go, Francis, oh thank

1:03:35

God, Jiminy Jimbendillikers. And then Ed gives you

1:03:38

a big hug. Hey

1:03:41

dad, hey mom, I'm okay. Oh, son,

1:03:44

we're so happy to see you. Oh my God, sit

1:03:46

down, sit down, sit down. Okay, it was just, I

1:03:48

kinda wanna go to bed, but okay. We're gonna let

1:03:50

you go to bed, but we just wanted to talk

1:03:52

about this crazy night. Are you okay? I'm fine. You're

1:03:54

so hot, my friends. So Kimonwon

1:03:57

says, Francis, you know

1:03:59

what we said. We always believe that family comes first.

1:04:02

And I had- Except when it doesn't, you always tell me the

1:04:04

opposite of the advice right after you give it to me. Well,

1:04:06

family comes first except for when family is, you know, you don't

1:04:08

trust your family anymore. But we trust

1:04:10

you and we love you. And so I had an

1:04:13

opportunity to make sure that you were safe by selling

1:04:15

out your friends. And so that's what I did. But

1:04:17

I did it to put you first. And

1:04:19

I just want to say, your father and I

1:04:22

are very, very proud of you, son. I'm

1:04:26

kind of upset that you sold it, my friends. I'm pretty

1:04:28

psyched that you're proud of me. So I'm feeling a lot

1:04:30

of emotions right now. We've always been a little worried about

1:04:32

you. I know that's probably no secret to you. But yeah,

1:04:34

I mean, I'm worried about me too. Tonight,

1:04:36

we think you comported yourself very well.

1:04:38

You rose to the occasion to rescue

1:04:41

a defenseless young girl. And

1:04:43

when the time came, you escaped the authorities, which is

1:04:45

also something we're very good on because, you know, again,

1:04:47

we don't like most authorities, but we do like some

1:04:49

of the police. Yeah. So you

1:04:52

evaded the police, you evaded capture, you made

1:04:54

some tough calls tonight. And we just heard

1:04:56

we just got off the phone with your

1:04:58

teacher, Mrs. Grammer's sister, who said that you

1:05:00

defended your teacher with nothing more than an

1:05:02

ice cream scoop. Yeah, I was pretty heroic,

1:05:04

I got to say. And then Ed, who's

1:05:06

just kind of smiling proudly, says, you know,

1:05:08

son, it's just we've been hoping we'd see

1:05:10

this side of you emerge for a long

1:05:12

time now. And when it did,

1:05:14

we had a present we wanted to give you. Well,

1:05:16

we weren't sure if a teenager was ready for something

1:05:18

like this. But you know, after tonight, I think you've

1:05:21

earned it. This is a sharper ice cream scoop because

1:05:23

I didn't get through the ocular nerve. And I was

1:05:25

kind of upset by that. No, son, it's this. And

1:05:28

he from behind the couch pulls

1:05:30

out a Kar98 rifle from the German

1:05:32

army. Oh, my God. With a big

1:05:34

old scope on it. A fucking Kar98.

1:05:36

Did you get this from the war?

1:05:39

This is a Kar98 sniper rifle that I

1:05:41

pinched off of a Nazi during the war,

1:05:44

son. You know, your mother and I are

1:05:46

big on home defense. We're big on learning

1:05:48

how to handle firearms so that we can

1:05:50

act swiftly and decisively when the bombs fall,

1:05:52

because it's going to be man versus man.

1:05:54

It's gonna be dog eat dog out there.

1:05:57

And you've shown yourself to be a thoughtful.

1:05:59

responsible young man today. So I am giving this gun

1:06:01

to you. Oh boy. And he gives you this sniper

1:06:04

rifle. Can't wait to take this to school and show

1:06:06

all my friends. Well, yeah, you know, you can put

1:06:08

it in your locker and go hunting with it afterwards.

1:06:10

That's something that kids did back in the 1950s. Yeah,

1:06:13

cool. So I'm not very good with guns, though. I don't want

1:06:15

to have like a 25%. Now, we are going to expect you

1:06:17

to practice with it every day. Oh, yeah, I got to. And

1:06:20

we are going to expect you to treat it with respect. But

1:06:22

we did just want you to have that. Should I give it

1:06:24

a name? Son, that's up to you. You give it whatever name

1:06:26

you want. Room Hilda. All

1:06:30

right, kiddo. Well, why don't you head on upstairs? It's

1:06:32

Saturday. You know, you got work tomorrow. But why don't

1:06:34

you just go ahead and relax? Why don't you head

1:06:36

upstairs and polish your rifle? Why don't you go ahead

1:06:38

and get a feel for that thing? Oh, boy. Thanks

1:06:40

so much, Mom and Dad. You're the best. Also, Mom,

1:06:42

did you tell Dad that you killed a guy? That

1:06:44

was sick. Yes, I did. See, that's what we're about

1:06:46

as a family. We look out for each other. We

1:06:48

do what's right. And we do what's necessary at all

1:06:51

times. Yeah, fuck everybody who's in us, I guess. They

1:06:53

both give you a tender kiss on the forehead and

1:06:55

send you upstairs. Wow, this is the best day of

1:06:57

my life. Francis heads upstairs. So here's what I wanted

1:06:59

to do. So Francis and Kelsey, the two of you

1:07:01

have a whole day before your

1:07:03

fight tonight at the Old Weird Bunker at the

1:07:05

edge of town with Dakota Johnson. I assume we

1:07:07

got to go the fucking way on it, don't

1:07:09

you? Don't you have money on it? Also, your

1:07:11

whole livelihood is at stake if they don't. Yeah.

1:07:13

It'll wipe your deck. You guys can do whatever

1:07:15

you want. But I figured the way I would

1:07:17

do it is there's a morning, noon, and night.

1:07:20

And you can do any one thing you would like

1:07:22

to do in each one of those time periods, whether

1:07:24

it's train, scout out the competition, depending on what the

1:07:26

actions do, you can earn some advantages that'll help you

1:07:28

in the boxing match to come tonight if you decide

1:07:31

to go to the boxing match. But maybe you won't.

1:07:33

Not all P.G. Phil's going to get destroyed. I want

1:07:35

to be with your friends. Well, you don't know that.

1:07:37

Well, I know. But if I found out, I'd probably

1:07:39

be worried about Trudy. I mean, as far as we

1:07:41

know, she just went home with her husband and is

1:07:43

like at home fine. And Tony, well, you got to

1:07:45

check in on him every morning. I figure. But

1:07:49

yeah, this is basically now the start of the

1:07:51

morning. We'll say Tony gets hit by the car

1:07:53

at the end of the morning period. And then

1:07:55

we can decide whether the word about that trickles

1:07:57

out. So Francis calls Kelsey. Kelsey picks up. Hey.

1:08:00

You written ready for the fight tonight? Oh, hey Francis.

1:08:02

How are you doing? I'm doing great. I'm doing so

1:08:04

good. Yesterday was the best day of my life. Yeah,

1:08:06

I was worried about that. Give me a read. Why

1:08:08

is it the best day of your life? A bunch

1:08:10

of beautiful British people fell in love with me. Okay,

1:08:12

that's fine. And then I successfully faded the cops. And

1:08:15

I protected you from that guy. And then my

1:08:17

parents gave me a Nazi rifle. Oh. I

1:08:21

don't like Nazis. That's not why I feel like. Yeah, yeah,

1:08:23

yeah. You like the gun. I want to be clear on

1:08:25

that. You like the gun part. Yeah, the gun. Yeah, and

1:08:27

then how do you feel about what happened with that gentleman

1:08:30

that was here? He's still alive, right? Yeah.

1:08:33

So fuck him. He was going to beat you up. I'm

1:08:35

protecting you. No, no, I appreciate you standing up for me, Francis.

1:08:37

No, I have an idea for tonight. Okay. So

1:08:39

if you can't beat him, I have a

1:08:41

gun. Yeah. So I knew

1:08:43

you were going to say that. Okay. Yeah,

1:08:45

because it's a good plan. Okay.

1:08:48

All right. All right, Francis. Well, maybe we all gather

1:08:50

everybody for lunch or something. Okay, yeah, lunch sounds great.

1:08:52

Yeah, let me get my work done. I'm going to

1:08:54

be practicing with my rifle. Okay. Her name's

1:08:56

Room Hilda. Oh, that's a nice name. She's a

1:08:58

10. Where, okay. Where? She's a

1:09:00

10. What does that mean? She's a perfect

1:09:03

10. She's so beautiful. Oh, you really like

1:09:05

your gun. Yeah. Okay. Where

1:09:07

are you going to practice? In my backyard. I'm going to set

1:09:09

up some. Okay. So

1:09:12

maybe go out to like the woods. That's

1:09:14

a good idea. I'll go to the woods.

1:09:16

I'll take some targets with me. Yeah. Yeah.

1:09:20

Like bolts go far. Yeah. You

1:09:22

know that, right? Yeah. No, it's a sniper rifle.

1:09:24

So I got to get pretty far away. Oh my God. That's the

1:09:26

thing. You can take the shot. If I get them in the

1:09:28

kneecap or something, you'll just go down and then you can punch

1:09:30

them in the head as hard as you can and it'll fall

1:09:32

down. Your parents gave you a sniper rifle.

1:09:34

Yeah. Are they fools?

1:09:36

Yeah. Hey, you know,

1:09:39

I don't know what it's like to be a

1:09:41

parent. So, okay. Well, we'll

1:09:43

talk soon, Francis. Yeah, we will. Okay.

1:09:46

Love you. Sorry. I don't know why I

1:09:48

said that. Sorry. It's just instinct. No,

1:09:50

it's fine. You're a good kid. You're a good

1:09:52

kid, Francis. Thanks. You're a good teacher.

1:09:54

Okay. Thanks. I hang up the phone and Kelsey's like been looking

1:09:56

in the mirror and she's like kind of touching her cheeks

1:09:58

and she's like, and she opens up. and she

1:10:00

goes to blushing and you see that she wrote

1:10:02

only humans can blush and then she's like has

1:10:04

nothing else written on it and then she pulls

1:10:06

out one of the encyclopedias underneath the bed somebody

1:10:08

else and she opens it and she like sees

1:10:11

all the information and she's about to write it

1:10:13

and then she glances down and sees

1:10:15

all the blood from the eyeball that

1:10:17

happened and

1:10:20

she sighs and she closes the book and she

1:10:22

throws underneath the bed and

1:10:25

then she's gonna call Trudy. Hello

1:10:28

Trudy Trout speaking. Oh hi Trudy. How are you after

1:10:30

everything? How was Tucker? He seemed a little upset. Oh

1:10:32

just wonderful. Tucker is the most

1:10:34

amazing man and I feel

1:10:36

bad for disobeying him mentally

1:10:38

the other night but I

1:10:41

am on the straight and narrow as

1:10:43

they say. I'm just back

1:10:45

to my sunny normal self and I'm

1:10:47

so in love with the man of

1:10:50

my dreams and the man that I

1:10:52

married and the man who married me.

1:10:54

Oh how did you feel

1:10:56

about last night? Oh I don't know

1:10:58

you'll have to ask me another time.

1:11:00

Oh why can I ask you now what's

1:11:02

going on? I don't have that information. Oh what

1:11:05

you don't have the information of what he felt last

1:11:07

night? Well there's a a glimmer

1:11:10

if you will a sort of

1:11:12

memory of a memory maybe but

1:11:15

um last night was a

1:11:17

dream everything went according to

1:11:19

plan. Okay everything went so well

1:11:21

and I went and

1:11:23

I got eight hours of sleep. I

1:11:26

feel so refreshed and renewed. I

1:11:28

feel like a new woman. Oh

1:11:30

okay um you know I don't know I asked

1:11:32

about Tucker I'm more concerned about you I mean that was

1:11:34

pretty crazy last night everything that happened the guy and the

1:11:36

messages and what do we think? How are you? How

1:11:39

is your lawn? Oh I'm I

1:11:41

want to roll. Mary Buffy robot

1:11:43

how's your money? She seems weird

1:11:45

to me what do I roll

1:11:48

to just like psychology? Psychology. That's

1:11:50

a 19 and my psychology is 40.

1:11:52

40 okay so that's under half yeah so that's a

1:11:54

hard success so yeah she seems different. Hey true do

1:11:56

you want to meet up for lunch? There's a thing

1:11:58

I'm gonna have to take care of. later today would be

1:12:00

nice to have the- Tutti, dear, you've been on the phone for

1:12:02

quite a while! Oh, sorry, Tuck. You

1:12:05

know, I just get talking to these

1:12:07

salespeople and I just can't stop. They

1:12:09

have so many things to sell me.

1:12:12

Well, why don't you sell me a kiss on the

1:12:14

cheek, dear? Hahaha, you're so funny!

1:12:16

Can you pass the phone to Tucker? Oh sure!

1:12:18

Uh, Tucker, there's

1:12:20

somebody who would like to talk to you. Delightful.

1:12:23

And then Tucker hangs up with Thawne. I'm

1:12:25

gonna call Tutti. Alright, well he just got hit by a

1:12:27

car, so- It just rings? It just rings. No

1:12:31

answering machines back then, huh? I don't think so. Do

1:12:33

you have a secretary? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Afterwards,

1:12:36

the guy comes in- Hello? Oh,

1:12:38

hey! What's up? Freddale? Freddale?

1:12:40

Freddale here? Fred- what's up,

1:12:42

Freddale? Uh, where's Tawne? I

1:12:45

don't know, man. I just came in to open up and,

1:12:47

uh, he's not here. Wait, okay, dude- I went through all

1:12:50

the effort of finding my own voice. Okay, alright, fine, let

1:12:52

me give you a second. Give me a second, give me

1:12:54

a second. I don't know. He's not

1:12:56

here right now. I'm real worried,

1:12:58

mister! Have you checked all the usual spots? Have you checked in

1:13:00

the back alley? Have you checked- I checked in the alley, I

1:13:02

checked in the bar across the street, I checked in the bar

1:13:04

across the street for that one. Under the jeep, under the front-

1:13:06

Under the jeep, under the front porch, and

1:13:09

this door's wide open, it looks like someone's turned

1:13:11

his place over. Oh, and

1:13:13

that's all we've heard? And there's cops everywhere in

1:13:15

the intersection just across the street, you gotta come over

1:13:17

here, I'm real scared, I need an assault. Alright,

1:13:20

stay right there, right? I got 12 cars I gotta

1:13:22

rent by myself, I don't know what to do! Okay,

1:13:24

I'll be right there, I'm gonna drive over there.

1:13:27

Okay, we'll say it's now the afternoon. Okay. What

1:13:30

did you do with your morning, Francis? He

1:13:32

opens up his closet and you see, well,

1:13:34

we see, but nobody else sees, his altar

1:13:36

to Shane. Like, there's scribbles all over the

1:13:38

inside wall of his closet about things he

1:13:40

might possibly be allergic to, his routine

1:13:43

from when he leaves the school and when

1:13:45

he goes home, possible blackmail stuff on his

1:13:47

dad, like all this shit in his closet.

1:13:49

And he takes out one of the pre-drawn

1:13:51

pictures of Shane and he goes, you and

1:13:53

me are gonna train a little bit in the woods, Shane!

1:13:56

And he takes the picture out in the woods, puts

1:13:58

it up against the tree, this is his dark. Secret

1:14:02

puts it up against the tree and goes, hey,

1:14:04

who's a who's a pussy now? And he fires and

1:14:06

he misses and he goes, okay, it's still me, I

1:14:08

guess. But we'll see. All right. Let's let's zero in.

1:14:10

And he just going to spend the whole day trying

1:14:12

to shoot this picture of Shane from as far distance

1:14:14

as the gun. Anthony, can

1:14:16

I pitch you a dear Evan Hansen

1:14:19

subplot between you and Shane? Francis, give

1:14:21

me a firearms roll. Right.

1:14:31

My firearms is naturally 25 and I rolled a 41. Okay.

1:14:34

So yes, it does not go well and

1:14:37

you do not gain any wisdom from doing

1:14:39

this. Unfortunately, you just kind of spend the

1:14:41

entire afternoon getting like, I guess you get

1:14:43

a little bit more acquainted with this gun.

1:14:45

So we will say that you get one

1:14:47

advantage dice to spend at some point on

1:14:49

this rifle the next time you use it.

1:14:51

You drop on the one time you actually

1:14:53

managed to buy pure luck, hit the target.

1:14:55

But it's only the chosen one. All right.

1:14:57

So it is now the afternoon. You're

1:15:00

heading to Tony's. Francis, you do

1:15:02

have work today at the jerk shop. Do

1:15:04

you want to go to that or do you want to weasel out of

1:15:06

it? They don't need me. I need

1:15:09

it here. Yeah.

1:15:11

Do you call in? Yeah. I run back home really quickly and

1:15:13

I call in it. Hey,

1:15:15

I can't, I can't come into work

1:15:18

right now. I'm sick. Um, okay. I'll

1:15:20

find some money to cover you. Julie,

1:15:24

you're the best manager. Um,

1:15:26

whatever. Perfect.

1:15:29

Go back out to the woods and continue shooting. So you're

1:15:31

going to spend the afternoon shooting as well. I

1:15:34

rolled for the second training and my guns is 25 and I got

1:15:36

a 24 in my role. Oh,

1:15:38

excellent. We'll say you get two advantage dice for this.

1:15:40

You now have three advantage dice. You can burn on the

1:15:42

child of our group is now better at shooting guns. This

1:15:44

is a fantastic. So at

1:15:46

Tony's cars, cars, cars. There's already a line

1:15:49

through the door of like angry teenagers tried

1:15:51

to like return. It's pretty good. It's like

1:15:53

this. I'm

1:15:55

saying the scene because what

1:15:58

the fuck do you mean? I'm just saying the scene. I just said. Yeah,

1:16:00

yeah, I get to this

1:16:02

side of Matt go fuck yourself Matt This

1:16:07

is where we draw the line for us inserting

1:16:09

things into the story Yeah like me just doing

1:16:11

one sentence of like yeah Just

1:16:14

following up on a little bit of role play

1:16:16

I didn't see previously here comes Matt trying to

1:16:18

fucking police my universe My AU I

1:16:20

was looking at Willp like what happens when

1:16:22

I get there he starts talking Yeah, this is I

1:16:25

like this though. So yes, so yes, there's a crowd

1:16:27

of angry teenagers Yeah, because remember the night before was

1:16:29

the big drive-in movie night So now this is them

1:16:31

everyone trying to get their returns and then on their cars

1:16:33

Oh Fred Dale can't keep up with it. Okay, so you

1:16:35

go. It's a mess of activity as you walk by in

1:16:37

the front There's just like a bunch of teenagers. I gotta

1:16:39

get hey, I gotta get to work So

1:16:42

you still haven't seen anything of Tony? No,

1:16:44

nothing called in. Sorry. No nothing Hey, if

1:16:46

you could give me a hand with all of these teens,

1:16:48

I could maybe take their keys and

1:16:50

park them around Oh jeez, I'm so overwhelmed.

1:16:52

I wish I could help I got a lot going on You

1:16:55

lady, okay. Well, okay, Freddie.

1:16:57

This is why you're working where you are. Okay? If

1:17:01

you were always a trouble kid look at that look at

1:17:03

the respect I'm supposed to do your job for you I'm

1:17:05

here. You don't know where your boss is. I'm trying to

1:17:07

find out where Tony is. He's my friend He's just said

1:17:09

there's a bunch of cops and there's some crazy thing at

1:17:11

the intersection. I want to go. Okay Yes, I'm gonna go

1:17:13

to the intersection. Yeah. Okay. So yes at the intersection you

1:17:15

see there is a Wrecked Ford

1:17:17

Edsel that says Tony's cars cars on

1:17:20

the back. There's a traumatized truck driver

1:17:22

Who T boned this thing and there's cops

1:17:25

taking his statement. Yes, I'm gonna ask what

1:17:27

happened. Well, uh miss What's

1:17:29

your name? Who are you? Mrs. Grammer? I just come

1:17:31

on. Oh I've

1:17:33

been to your house Excuse

1:17:36

me, miss grammar. I didn't recognize you. I was

1:17:38

busy doing huh? How's Cindy doing well, her meat

1:17:40

looks the best No, well, we're not gonna be

1:17:42

having much more of it. Oh We're

1:17:45

vegetarian now. Oh I'm so

1:17:47

sorry to hear that I

1:17:51

Don't know what that means, but I'm sure she'll be okay.

1:17:53

Hmm. We're vegetarian out. Do you still go to the same

1:17:55

church? Well, what

1:17:57

can I do for you Kelsey? I'm wondering what happened. It looks like that

1:18:00

Tony's car is Tony okay? What happened?

1:18:02

Well, his car got hit by a

1:18:04

truck. Okay, was he in it though?

1:18:06

Miraculously. Oh. Tony Collette flew

1:18:08

from the truck and

1:18:10

landed on a hospital bed. See,

1:18:13

that's the Peachyville ER right there. Okay, I

1:18:15

run to the ER. Cindy

1:18:17

and I'll see you for vegetarian meatloaf on

1:18:19

Thursday. Okay, I hope she's feeling better. As

1:18:21

you open the door to go into the

1:18:23

hospital, two hurried Italian men are walking the

1:18:25

other direction, ripping off their surgical uniforms. We

1:18:27

can never tell anybody what happened here. Where

1:18:29

do we go now? Back home. We can't

1:18:31

go back to Italy. Mussolini's not

1:18:34

there. He's not the same country

1:18:36

now that he's gone. Well,

1:18:38

there's a bunch of Nazis in New York still,

1:18:40

so I guess we could go live with them.

1:18:42

Okay, they love our pizza there

1:18:44

in New York. We will open a pizzeria

1:18:47

and it will be called Sbarro's. Oh,

1:18:50

I love you, Mr. Sbarro. I love you, Luigi. That's

1:18:56

right, every year for Sbarro's is

1:18:58

made by Nazi Sbarros. It's

1:19:00

like Doc Martens. You go into the ER, once

1:19:03

you explain that you're Kelsey Grammer and you know

1:19:05

the reception is a child, and she's like, oh,

1:19:07

of course, Kelsey, come on in. She

1:19:09

points you to Tony Collette's room, where when

1:19:12

you walk in, you see Tony Collette bandaged

1:19:15

up, looking like absolute shit,

1:19:18

sharing a cigarette with Dr. Mann. Oh. And

1:19:20

Dr. Mann's like, I told you, Tony, to

1:19:22

watch out out there, you old horse thief.

1:19:25

Tony, what happened? Dr. what happened

1:19:27

to Tony? Well, it seems like this

1:19:29

strapping young buck got banged up pretty

1:19:32

bad and fortunately caught in lucky break.

1:19:34

Now Dr. Mann's helping him get back on his

1:19:37

feet. Dr. Mann, give me another cigarette. Sure thing,

1:19:39

bucko. Okay, well, thank you so much. And you

1:19:41

gave me a moment here with my friend. Who

1:19:44

lights up a cigarette also. Little

1:19:46

smoke break. Some privacy, please, Dr. Please. All right,

1:19:48

well, I'll give you a couple of minutes, and

1:19:50

then I've got a prescription for you I got

1:19:52

to give you, so I'll be back in the-

1:19:54

Oh, goodie. How long it takes for the two

1:19:56

of you to talk. Okay. Okay,

1:19:59

see. Guess. And what happened? And

1:20:02

Tony, Tony embraces

1:20:04

Kelsey's terms of weeping. I'm Tony.

1:20:06

Tony. What happened? I'm

1:20:10

living the life of lies, Kelsey. I know me

1:20:12

too. OK,

1:20:14

I'm sorry. I'm here for you. What happened? Tell

1:20:16

me, Kelsey, is that a ballhole? Kelsey,

1:20:18

it is an entrance and an exit.

1:20:20

Did you shoot yourself? No, Kelsey. Somebody

1:20:22

shot you. Somebody shot me. Oh, my

1:20:24

God. I'll tell you what, Kelsey. Kelsey,

1:20:26

Kelsey. Yeah, I'm right here. Kelsey. Yeah.

1:20:29

The secretary at the police

1:20:31

station. Yeah. She's like, God

1:20:34

damn. Do good, dirty

1:20:36

bread. Oh, what? Communist.

1:20:38

Kelsey like stumbles backwards.

1:20:42

Chips. I got I got

1:20:44

mixed up in this thing. But

1:20:47

Kelsey, Kelsey, listen to me. What? We

1:20:49

got ourselves an album, baby. We

1:20:52

got ourselves the queen owes

1:20:54

me a favor. You see the

1:20:56

queen. The

1:20:58

queen of England. The queen of England, you

1:21:01

see. I've got the queen of

1:21:03

England owes this former cat a favor. Well,

1:21:07

people have been like, I like the Wills like

1:21:09

saying no a lot more to everybody in the

1:21:11

seats. He's really sticking by the rules. So, OK,

1:21:14

why is the queen all your favor? There's

1:21:17

so much going on. I don't know. Judy's

1:21:19

acting weird and. Kelsey, I'm so sorry for

1:21:21

everything I've said. It's OK. It's

1:21:23

all a lie, Kelsey. I know you're soft on the

1:21:25

inside. Kelsey, I never went to the war. I

1:21:27

went to the war. What? What?

1:21:31

I never was in the war. I went to the

1:21:33

war. You understand? I was in the war.

1:21:38

I was in the war. You never. Well,

1:21:41

our boys, well, our

1:21:43

boys were suffering and dying and

1:21:45

across the ocean. I was here.

1:21:47

I do. You understand? I was

1:21:49

here a scant 90 miles away

1:21:51

in the war. So you wait.

1:21:54

This is important. I understand. We're here. Tony,

1:21:56

Tony, Tony. I start patting your head. It's

1:21:58

just good. I need to speak a

1:22:01

little more clearly. You're saying? I can't be any greener.

1:22:03

Kelsey, you weren't? I was not. In war, in the

1:22:05

war, in the Great War. You didn't go overseas. I

1:22:07

didn't fight the Great War. I didn't fight the Second

1:22:09

World War. I fought a war of my own in

1:22:12

the war. What was that war that you fought? It

1:22:15

was a war, a lonely war, you see,

1:22:17

on the streets of the war. But you

1:22:19

said you've been in the war. No,

1:22:23

you poor. Kelsey, you need to listen

1:22:25

to what I'm saying to you. I

1:22:27

was not. I was not. As

1:22:30

I stand before God as my witness,

1:22:32

I was not. Kelsey. I

1:22:35

was in the war. Oh,

1:22:37

you mean you lived in the war?

1:22:41

In many ways. I stood in the

1:22:43

war. Kelsey's

1:22:47

hands begin to shake with a cigarette.

1:22:50

Tony, I need to understand exactly what

1:22:52

you're saying. Because I came

1:22:54

here for help. There's just so much going on.

1:22:57

There's so much violence. And I've been living these lies.

1:22:59

I'm about to fight again. And I know.

1:23:01

I know. Kelsey, you promised. You promised. You'd never

1:23:04

fight again. You told me this. After months. I

1:23:06

did. After that one time, we won a little

1:23:08

qualifying semifinal round of the bowling

1:23:10

thing. You told me that. I know. And I

1:23:12

told you in that one night of passion that

1:23:15

we had 15 years ago. Yes.

1:23:18

I regret immensely. Oh,

1:23:21

sweet. You shouldn't regret it

1:23:23

at all. We are all the products of

1:23:25

our mistakes. But

1:23:28

you were there for me that night. I was. And

1:23:30

I really understand

1:23:34

that when you say you weren't in

1:23:36

the war, that when my older

1:23:38

brother went overseas,

1:23:42

everybody was called to and died, you lied. And

1:23:46

you stayed here in the small

1:23:48

town a couple miles away called

1:23:51

the war. That's right.

1:23:55

That's right. I take the

1:23:57

cigarette and I stick it in your cheek.

1:24:00

Oh my god! What? Ow! Ow!

1:24:02

Doctor! Doctor! What the hell is going on

1:24:04

in here? And I drop it. I say,

1:24:06

that's no man. And I start walking. I

1:24:08

clench my fist. Kelsey, no. Please come back.

1:24:10

You're my only friend, Kelsey. And

1:24:13

I say, I guess. Kelsey, no. Kelsey,

1:24:15

no. I guess this is the

1:24:17

only way to solve things. And I

1:24:19

call up Francis. I say, I hope your

1:24:21

gun's loaded. Oh, it is always, baby. Ready

1:24:23

to rock and roll. Let's go. Let's

1:24:26

go fuck up a boxer. Yeah,

1:24:28

I walk towards wherever it is that we're supposed to

1:24:30

be boxing. I'm

1:24:58

a broken sky. All

1:25:01

I ever wanted was to

1:25:03

feel so ordinary. In

1:25:08

a world that lies twisted

1:25:10

in my mind. And now

1:25:13

I'm gone. All

1:25:18

that I can see is a hole in

1:25:21

the star. Swallowing my

1:25:23

dreams and making them

1:25:25

scars. Too

1:25:29

far, too far away.

1:25:32

But I'll stay

1:25:35

today. Thank

1:25:39

you for listening. This is the part where

1:25:41

I tell you about what's going on in

1:25:43

the Dungeons & Daddies verse. To the popular

1:25:45

demand, we've added a show to Enborough for

1:25:47

the Dungeons & Daddies UK EU tour in

1:25:49

October. Enborough's happening October 4th. If

1:25:51

the rest of the tour dates are any

1:25:53

indication, then tickets are going to be going

1:25:55

fast. So head over to dungeonsanddaddies.com/live for links.

1:25:58

You can buy them there on the website.

1:26:00

site, even on your phone. Patreon supporters in

1:26:02

addition to already knowing about that show because

1:26:04

they got first crack at tickets. Sorry. They're

1:26:06

eating good this month. EXL members enough. We

1:26:08

just posted a gameplay video of Matt, Anthony,

1:26:10

and myself, the OG Gamer Boys, attempting chained

1:26:12

together. This is a game where we're all

1:26:14

chained together, trying to platform our way back

1:26:16

from the depths of hell. Have a listen

1:26:18

to the shenanigans. They can never look and

1:26:20

see where it stops so we know when

1:26:22

to jump. Okay, right at that wood fence.

1:26:24

Yeah, right. When it stops now, go. Wait,

1:26:26

wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, what are

1:26:28

you doing? What? Why did

1:26:30

you call it Matt? Why did you call

1:26:32

it that? Follow the way this way, follow

1:26:34

the way this way. Oh my

1:26:37

God. We said you were going to

1:26:39

follow it. We did. I went when

1:26:41

it was following it. Oh, I know.

1:26:43

You called it to move

1:26:45

when we weren't ready. Guys,

1:26:47

guys, guys, guys, stop for a

1:26:49

moment. I failed you.

1:26:54

I'm wrong. If I could take these

1:26:56

chains off me and stay in the

1:26:59

hell, I would. But alas, you suck

1:27:01

with me. All patrons get

1:27:03

access to the Peach Pit, our after

1:27:05

show where we discuss the episode you

1:27:07

just listened to in addition to the

1:27:09

Warhammer mini series Matt is going to

1:27:11

be doing. That's right. We have a

1:27:13

record we can set this month is

1:27:15

finally happening. You will not want to

1:27:17

miss this. Less, of course, you're someone

1:27:19

who hates Warhammer, in which case you

1:27:21

won't want to miss this. This might

1:27:23

be your gateway drug into the grim

1:27:25

dark universe. Huh? Would that be sweet?

1:27:27

More fictional universes for you to be

1:27:29

a part of? So we all want

1:27:31

that just as bad on those Kelsey

1:27:33

Grammer, Anthony Burgess, Francis Farnsworth, Will Campos

1:27:35

is our DM. Beth May as Trudy

1:27:37

Trout and myself. Pretty Wong is Tony

1:27:39

Collette. Our theme song is a hole

1:27:41

in the stars by Max and Waller.

1:27:44

Brian Fernandez is our content producer. Ashley

1:27:46

Nicole is our community manager. Courtney Terrace,

1:27:48

our community coordinator. Cindy Denton is our

1:27:50

merchandise manager. S rels is our lead

1:27:52

editor. Travis Reeves provides additional editing and

1:27:54

Robin Rapp is our transcriber by supporting

1:27:56

this show directly on Patreon. You support

1:27:58

independent podcast creators like us as well

1:28:00

as join the ranks of fine folks

1:28:02

like Gabriel Portillo, Steve Wonder Dog, Ian

1:28:04

not Ian Kathleen Louise, Connor P, Christiane

1:28:06

Marcon, Be Sure M87, Lee Doodle, Christian

1:28:08

Fionn, Nick Eardley, Elliot like ET, Cade

1:28:10

Story, Kali Oksanen, Shannon Mendel, Ooni, Lewis

1:28:12

Bunting, Mark Seleski, Glyce Joy, Dead Luther,

1:28:14

and Christian Houser. To get in on

1:28:16

this, go to patreon.com/Dungeons and Dads. Merchant

1:28:18

more at dungeonsanddads.com. Our live show tickets

1:28:20

for the UK and EU dungeonsanddads.com/live. And

1:28:22

that next episode is coming at you

1:28:24

July 30th. We will see you then.

1:28:27

Swallowing my dreams and making

1:28:29

them scars. Too

1:28:32

far, too far away.

1:28:35

But I'll stay today.

1:28:40

All that

1:28:47

I can

1:28:49

see is

1:28:51

a hole

1:28:53

in the

1:28:55

stars. Swallowing

1:28:58

my dreams and making

1:29:02

them scars. Too

1:29:04

far, too far away. But

1:29:07

I'll stay today. Doctor.

1:29:23

Doctor. Well, sounds like

1:29:25

you've got woman trouble. You're crying. Good.

1:29:27

Oh, that's not cool. Doctor, give me

1:29:29

a phone. Give

1:29:32

me a phone, Doctor. I think you're

1:29:34

in a condition to be talking to anybody. I need.

1:29:36

He slaps you across the face. Pull yourself together, God

1:29:38

damn it. I'm the same sheik as the bird. Treat

1:29:42

my woman, but I need the phone. I need

1:29:44

the calls. All right, very well. I've lost much

1:29:46

respect for you. I call

1:29:48

Tony's cars, cars, cars. OK. Fred.

1:29:53

Fred, are you there? Oh, yes. Oh,

1:29:55

gosh. I don't know how long it's

1:29:57

been. But boy, oh, boy, there's a

1:29:59

lot of motherfucking people. in here mr.

1:30:01

Collette I can't handle it just just

1:30:04

let them have the car what do you

1:30:08

mean just leave the keys let

1:30:10

the children have the cars it doesn't

1:30:13

mean anything anymore don't you understand what you

1:30:15

do you get some little lie it's all

1:30:18

been a lie the cars and the fast

1:30:20

talk I'm not

1:30:22

a man oh gee okay

1:30:24

uh well I don't know what

1:30:27

to do with that information mr. Collette do you

1:30:29

want me to just like lock up then can

1:30:31

I go home yes collect your

1:30:33

full paycheck and take it

1:30:37

take the money just leave me be

1:30:39

okay we're thinking for you call me about but

1:30:41

okay oh thanks thanks so much bye I'd

1:30:44

like to call hello operator operator yes

1:30:48

the trout residents please okay

1:30:51

connecting you right now truly

1:30:53

trout this is truly my

1:30:56

best friend oh yeah

1:30:58

I need you to tell me everything's

1:31:00

gonna be okay

1:31:03

everything's going to be just fine who

1:31:05

is this this is Tony Collette

1:31:09

Tony Collette oh

1:31:11

and the bowling team remember Jesus Christ

1:31:13

like the bowling team yes we are

1:31:15

a team and we went all

1:31:17

the way oh yeah we

1:31:19

did didn't we those were the days oh what

1:31:22

do you mean well we won

1:31:24

the bowling thing and then

1:31:27

everything went to shit oh

1:31:29

you sound so sad you sound

1:31:31

like sound sad dear oh you

1:31:34

can put a person selling something but I'm

1:31:36

not buying you can put Tucker on you

1:31:38

can put Tucker on Oh

1:31:41

another person would like to talk to you all

1:31:43

right well all this time now I

1:31:45

need you to stop calling here whoever

1:31:47

this is don't go don't

1:31:50

you collect your boy I don't

1:31:52

know who that is I'm sorry

1:31:54

sir he hangs up I

1:31:56

was friends with that guy Seed.