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in all states. Humans

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are designed to recognize flaws. You

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won't notice that every day if

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you put a shirt on that

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it has all of its buttons.

0:40

And yet, the day that you

0:42

put the shirt on and a

0:45

button is missing, you immediately notice

0:47

that it's out of place and

0:49

there's something wrong. In fact, the

0:52

experience of noticing flaws is worse

0:54

than this. Because often the things

0:56

that go well, we don't act

0:59

to spend any time in experiencing

1:01

the thing going well. Let's say

1:03

one day there is no cue

1:06

to buy something at the supermarket

1:08

or you're driving and there is

1:10

no traffic. You don't spend any

1:12

time sitting in the light waiting

1:14

to get to the end of the

1:16

cue, whereas if you arrive at the

1:19

end of a very large cue, you

1:21

have the whole cue to sit in

1:23

being frustrated, you're bad luck. but you

1:25

don't spend much time sitting in your

1:28

good luck. Hello and welcome to the

1:30

Growth Mindset podcast. Today we're going

1:32

to talk about the concept of paying

1:34

the price of admission. We're going to

1:37

learn how to notice wider statistics in

1:39

our life, to be more aware of

1:41

all the good things in our life

1:43

and recognise the size of the small

1:46

costs we may pay to get the

1:48

overall good things. This way we

1:50

can accept. Small problems gladly

1:52

and with a lot less

1:54

frustration. So firstly we're

1:57

going to talk about

1:59

relationships. expect perfection from our relationships.

2:01

And we're not always ready to deal

2:03

with the other imperfections that just naturally

2:06

occur with any person, we'll just look

2:08

at their problems. We'll hold on to

2:10

their floors and we'll try to change

2:12

them and we'll store up our feelings

2:15

and we'll just cause arguments and make

2:17

the whole relationship worse for them and

2:19

ourselves. Now if you want to ride

2:21

on a roller coaster, you'll have to

2:23

pay a fee to get on it.

2:26

and it's the same with any person

2:28

in the world will probably have some

2:30

habits that you don't like because they

2:32

are a human they are not a

2:35

perfect entity. Equally you will probably have

2:37

some habits that anybody else in the

2:39

world won't like and that is of

2:41

course there are some non-negotiables whatever they

2:44

might be for you that are part

2:46

of a healthy relationship but other things

2:48

you should be flexible on. Kill the

2:50

art of negotiation James Clear states that...

2:53

If you are stuck in a negotiation,

2:55

figure out the one thing for you

2:57

that it is truly non-negotiable and then

2:59

you can compromise on anything else, it

3:02

actually doesn't matter. So let's say you're

3:04

a tidy person and the person you're

3:06

in a relationship with is less tidy.

3:08

They'll often leave dirty dishes around. That

3:11

could be very annoying. But if they

3:13

have lots of qualities that you do

3:15

like and love and you enjoy having

3:17

your time and your life with them,

3:19

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economic adjustment charge. Terms apply. For

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JD. to

12:04

accept unfair offers in economic

12:06

games. Now why? It's because they're

12:08

just better at seeing the value

12:10

in an imperfect situation. It might

12:12

sound like they're just dumb and happy

12:15

to get screwed over in a game,

12:17

but perhaps they just aren't tearing

12:19

themselves apart to win any game

12:21

at all costs regardless of how

12:23

unimportant some aspects of that game are

12:26

to the rest of their lives. When

12:28

you feel grateful... you don't just

12:30

feel warm and fuzzy, it literally

12:33

changes how your brain calculates cost-benefit

12:35

analyses. Instead of thinking, it's lame that

12:37

my dog needs to be walked even when

12:39

it's raining, a grateful mind thinks, I've got

12:41

a loyal companion who brings joy and

12:44

unconditional love into my life. Instead

12:46

of focusing on the time it takes you

12:48

to cook a recipe or the amount of

12:50

dirty dishes you're cooking creates, you're grateful,

12:53

instead you're grateful to have

12:55

fresh ingredients and knowledge to make

12:57

nutritious and delicious food. Instead of

12:59

focusing on frustrations when you learn

13:01

a new skill, you're happy for

13:03

the opportunity to expand your mind

13:05

along with the occasional struggle also

13:08

go with it. So gratitude isn't about

13:10

being a pushover, it's actually about growth

13:12

mindset. Embracing the difficulties with

13:15

open arms. Instead of sweating your

13:17

losses, chasing your mate for whatever

13:19

five of you let them, you can transcend

13:21

all that meaningless crap and worry and

13:23

focus on your gains. Sure, in each

13:25

little scenario you might feel like you're

13:28

expecting a small loss, you might be

13:30

losing some convenience in your life, but

13:32

gratitude is about playing the more

13:34

important game of overall life satisfaction

13:36

by using some practical psychology

13:39

that transforms how you experience

13:41

your entire day and thus your life.

13:43

The importance of this point is shown

13:45

from a completely different angle if we

13:47

look at it from the concept of

13:50

perfection and the principle of diminishing

13:52

returns. I did allude to this earlier,

13:54

but whenever you try to optimize anything,

13:56

after a certain point, your efforts to

13:59

make something perfect... yield smaller and

14:01

smaller improvements whilst the costs of course

14:03

continue to rise. Let's say you want

14:05

to enjoy your job and you want

14:07

to find the perfect job. You might

14:09

find one that meets 80% of your

14:12

criteria with relatively little effort. Now getting

14:14

to 90% perfect for you could require

14:16

significantly more searching, significantly more time being

14:18

unemployed in interviews etc. And then trying

14:21

to reach 100% perfect. That might be

14:23

literally impossible or require such extreme sacrifices

14:25

in other areas of your life that

14:27

it's really not worth it. The same

14:30

principle applies to your investments. How many

14:32

book drafts you make, health routines, practicing

14:34

music, relationships of course. Basically everything has

14:36

diminishing returns where the costs just become

14:39

greater. We have to realize there's a

14:41

sweet spot to aim for after which

14:43

the benefits far outweigh the costs and

14:45

pushing beyond that point will make your

14:47

life... worse, not better. This is why

14:50

accepting the price of admission as a

14:52

concept is so smart, you're not settling

14:54

for a partner below your worth, you're

14:56

optimising for enjoying your life and actually

14:59

living it. Fairy tales and society do

15:01

make us a little bit broken by

15:03

giving us these expectations that love is

15:05

about some perfect person who's ideal in

15:08

every way. When we think about any

15:10

flaws in our partner, we're optimising for

15:12

the wrong game when we only think

15:14

about the concept of perfect in one

15:16

dimension. Because, sure, they might annoy you

15:19

in some ways, but how much more

15:21

annoying would it be to remain single

15:23

for 20 years with endless failed relationships?

15:25

If you're putting your life on hold

15:28

to constantly wait for it to get

15:30

better, you're missing your entire life after

15:32

all. Again, I'm not suggesting that you

15:34

should never leave a relationship. I'm saying

15:37

learn from the major deal breakers that

15:39

you can't accept and then appreciate the

15:41

people that do meet those deal breakers,

15:43

regardless of whatever smaller nuances they might

15:45

have. Because the concept of perfect is

15:48

an illusion is an illusion, is an

15:50

illusion. that will actually make you unhappy.

15:52

This reminds me of the philosopher Martin.

15:54

Arthur Nusbaum's brilliant concept of the descent

15:57

of love. This directly conflicts with Plato

15:59

who believe that love should ascend towards

16:01

perfection. He said that we should love

16:03

the ideal form of a person rather

16:06

than the flawed reality. Whereas Nusbaum basically

16:08

said, screw that, she turned the ladder

16:10

upside down. She argued that true love

16:12

requires descending into the messy, imperfect reality

16:14

of actual humans. Not about overlooking flaws,

16:17

it's about seeing them clearly... and lovingly

16:19

anyway. It's not settling, it's a more

16:21

mature, ultimately more satisfying form of love.

16:23

When you take in on the paying

16:26

the price of admission concept, in you're

16:28

not just tolerating the floors, you're embracing

16:30

the whole complex, wonderfully imperfect human being

16:32

that you're with, and that's where the

16:35

real magic happens. That's where you actually

16:37

get to meet someone on their level

16:39

and have a real connection. Because if

16:41

you're putting pressure on someone to hide

16:43

their floors or to change, they can't

16:46

really you can't be yourself around them.

16:48

and that of course makes the relationship

16:50

worse. And for me this is a

16:52

whole area where I think things just

16:55

get really cool. When we can change

16:57

our mindset and frame of thinking, research

16:59

shows there's a reciprocal relationship between gratitude

17:01

and then our life satisfaction. It's basically

17:04

a virtuous cycle where the more grateful

17:06

we are, the more satisfied we are

17:08

with our life, which in turn makes

17:10

us more grateful. So if you're accepting

17:12

the price of admission concept, the good

17:15

things in your life will trigger this

17:17

virtuous virtuous cycle. You become more grateful

17:19

for what you have, makes you happier,

17:21

makes you more accepting of the small

17:24

imperfections in your life, you become more

17:26

grateful and on and on in an

17:28

upwards pile of well-being and happiness. Sure,

17:30

you probably won't reach like full enlightenment

17:33

etc. But you get the point. Especially

17:35

when you contrast it with the opposite

17:37

which is the vicious cycle of perfectionism.

17:39

You focus on flaws. It makes you

17:41

less satisfied, which makes you even more

17:44

miserable. which makes things seem even worse

17:46

and you just get stuck in a

17:48

downward. buy all of a perpetual disappointment

17:50

and dissatisfaction with your life. And you

17:53

really don't want to get a cause

17:55

in that. And in case I haven't

17:57

given you enough ways to think about

17:59

this, I have two final short little

18:02

mental models to help. One concept that

18:04

perfectly aligns with the price of admission

18:06

is the opportunity cost. What you are

18:08

giving up when you refuse to pray

18:11

the price of admission, that means you

18:13

dumber grey partner because they're messy or

18:15

you sold your stocks because they're messy.

18:17

Well, you're not just avoiding a small

18:19

cost, you're potentially missing out on the

18:22

massive benefits. So if you are a

18:24

type A person who likes analyzing things

18:26

and looking at costs of things, then

18:28

using the full opportunity cost lens of

18:31

a situation, and of course the opportunity

18:33

costs of any perfectionism, makes things pretty

18:35

obvious. People who can't take that small

18:37

flaws end up with nothing, whilst those

18:40

who pay the price of admission get

18:42

to enjoy the ride. Finally, there's a

18:44

Chinese folk tale about a water carrier

18:46

named Changang who had two pots. One

18:48

perfect and one cracked. The crack pot

18:51

leat water all along the path, which

18:53

initially seemed like a floor. But Chang

18:55

Chang planted flower seeds along that side

18:57

of the path. And this meant that

19:00

the leaking water nourish these seedlings and

19:02

created a beautiful garden that wouldn't have

19:04

existed if she'd had two perfect pots.

19:06

Sometimes when we're looking at things we

19:09

perceive as flaws, we miss that they

19:11

actually can create unexpected value. The partner

19:13

who's messy might also be someone that's

19:15

spontaneous and creative that brings joy to

19:17

your life that you might not have

19:20

if you're an organized person. Volatile stock

19:22

to investments can deliver higher returns because

19:24

they're riskier. A challenging job that sometimes

19:26

keeps you working late might be building

19:29

some major skills for you that are

19:31

comfortable one never would. When you zoom

19:33

out and look at the big picture,

19:35

even if you start from the Big

19:38

Bang, as Tim Urban says, we always

19:40

find that imperfections aren't just inevitable They're

19:42

often really valuable in ways that we

19:44

wouldn't have predicted. So when we're cursing

19:46

things going wrong, they're actually... going right

19:49

and we just haven't worked out what's

19:51

going right yet. So the next time

19:53

you are finding yourself fixating on a

19:55

floor, remember you aren't just paying the

19:58

price of admission. You're buying a ticket

20:00

to a richer, more satisfying life than

20:02

perfectionism could ever prove. And hopefully it's

20:04

a price worth paying with a smile.

20:07

The observant amongst you might remember that

20:09

last month I mentioned having a rebrand

20:11

of the show. Well, as an update,

20:13

that's on a bit of a hiatus

20:15

because I'm actually launching an entirely new

20:18

show instead, which has been my focus.

20:20

So I'm keeping the growth mindset to

20:22

show as the growth mindset for now,

20:24

and the new show is going to

20:27

be about the history of innovation and

20:29

how the world changes, how we deal

20:31

with change, and how to create change.

20:33

It's going to be full of mental

20:36

models and systems thinking when it comes

20:38

to innovation, as well with lots of

20:40

history lessons and stories. going in chronological

20:42

order from the start of recorded history

20:44

up to the present day. I'm excited

20:47

about it and you'll hear more when

20:49

it's actually released in a few weeks

20:51

time, but for now you know what

20:53

I'm up to and if you want

20:56

to talk to me about it I

20:58

have my Wednesday afternoons to take calls

21:00

with listeners if they are feeling intrigued.

21:02

The links are in the description if

21:05

you want to get amongst it. Of

21:07

course we also have the premium membership

21:09

for ad free listing, Discord, Discord in

21:11

the description. Again, if you are interested.

21:14

If you do feel like investing in

21:16

making a good review of the show,

21:18

that would make me very happy. But

21:20

of course, I don't expect all of

21:22

my listeners to go out and review

21:25

the show instantly. That would be an

21:27

irrational belief and would make me depressed

21:29

if I believed it because it wouldn't

21:31

happen. Instead, I'm aware that most people

21:34

are just busy. They're doing stuff with

21:36

their life rather than waiting around to

21:38

make a good comment on my podcast.

21:40

And you know, if you want to

21:43

be a podcaster, you have to deal

21:45

with the fact that even when you

21:47

have thousands of listeners, a tiny percentage

21:49

of that might lead to a review,

21:51

if you're lucky. It's just human nature.

21:54

So, anyway, on the topic of human

21:56

nature, life is short and... is

21:58

to be Importantly, Importantly, yourself

22:00

yourself is not

22:03

a thing for the

22:05

future. It's not a

22:07

future task that you'll get round to

22:09

like leaving me a good me a good review.

22:11

No, yourself is a task

22:13

that starts right now. So be bloody

22:15

lovely to yourself, even mean does mean

22:17

doing some hard things. Remember, you

22:19

can be grateful and enjoy doing the

22:21

hard things. And whilst you're

22:23

at it, be kind to someone

22:25

else too. else too. you so much

22:28

for listening. Your consistency to reach

22:30

the end of an episode is legendary.

22:32

If you you have any ideas or

22:34

feedback for the show, I'm always

22:36

interested to hear from you. you. Studies

22:38

show show we need time for

22:40

information to sink in, so I'm

22:43

going to give you a five to

22:45

pause. a five-second pause. To reflect on

22:47

one idea from the show idea you

22:49

jump back into your busy life.

22:52

Ready your busy life. Ready and

22:54

go.