0:00

right,

0:08

ladies

0:15

and

0:23

gentlemen,

0:27

even though I'm walking

0:30

down a

0:33

dirt road

0:35

all by myself in

0:37

the middle of

0:39

nowhere somehow through the

0:41

miracle of technology

0:43

I am also

0:45

with you and

0:48

you're with me

0:50

I guess we're

0:52

walking down this

0:54

lonely road in the middle

0:57

of nowhere together in

0:59

some strange way. All

1:02

right. Before I forget, I'm

1:04

going to stop and take

1:06

a photo. This

1:08

is the

1:11

road I'm walking down. Anyway,

1:14

about half an hour ago, I

1:17

was having my morning

1:19

coffee, sat

1:21

down at my computer. It's

1:23

a Sunday morning. It's

1:26

about 9 .30 as I speak

1:28

to you. So

1:30

this was 8 .39

1:32

o 'clock. And

1:35

I turned on the computer to see

1:37

what is going on. And

1:41

there was a text

1:43

from a man named Tom

1:45

who lives here in

1:47

Crestone. A really

1:49

nice guy. Anyway,

1:52

Tom is... the

1:54

husband of Aline

1:57

who was last

1:59

week's guest on the

2:01

podcast and the

2:03

message from Tom said

2:06

that Aline had

2:08

died yesterday and he

2:10

thanked me for

2:12

recording the podcast with

2:15

her and preserving

2:17

something of her voice

2:19

and her spirit

2:22

and fuck. So

2:24

in 650 some

2:26

episodes of this

2:28

podcast, I believe

2:30

this is the

2:32

second time that

2:34

someone I've had

2:36

on the podcast

2:38

died shortly after.

2:40

I think actually

2:42

the other time

2:44

I'm thinking of

2:46

is a gentleman

2:49

in Bangkok. Oh

2:51

God, I'm spacing his name. Bennett

2:54

Grunberg, episode

2:57

177. He

2:59

was a really nice guy

3:01

who was very supportive of

3:03

the podcast in the early

3:06

days. When

3:08

I first started

3:10

doing the podcast, he

3:12

contacted me and

3:14

said, hey, I'd love

3:16

to supply you

3:18

with t -shirts. and

3:21

because he had

3:23

a connection to a

3:25

t -shirt manufacturer in

3:28

Thailand and so

3:30

I think Duncan Trussell

3:32

got t -shirts from

3:34

him so I

3:36

went ahead and placed

3:38

a big order

3:40

got a bunch of

3:42

t -shirts and all

3:44

these thousands of

3:47

t -shirts arrived from

3:49

Thailand and No

3:51

invoice and I thought it

3:53

was strange. He didn't ask

3:56

for money up front, but

3:58

okay and then there's no

4:00

invoice and then I Contacted

4:02

him and said hey Where

4:04

do I send the money

4:07

for these shirts? He

4:09

said yeah, I'll get back

4:11

to you on that and

4:13

He didn't get back to

4:15

me on that and then

4:17

a few weeks later Whatever

4:20

I contact him again

4:22

came in still don't

4:25

know where to how

4:27

to pay you for

4:29

these t -shirts basically

4:31

Long story short. He

4:33

just said forget it. I

4:36

Really want to support your podcast. I

4:38

love what you're doing. I

4:41

Love what you're putting out into the

4:43

world. Oh, there

4:45

you go Anyway

4:48

such a beautiful guy

4:50

and I went and

4:52

when I went to

4:54

Thailand we arranged to

4:56

get together but a

4:58

few weeks before I

5:00

was to arrive he

5:03

was living in Chiang

5:05

Mai in Northern Thailand

5:07

and I guess a

5:09

few weeks before I

5:11

was gonna be there

5:13

he went to a

5:15

dentist and he had Some

5:18

kind of something they've

5:21

pulled a tooth or

5:23

some minor procedure, but

5:25

I don't remember like

5:27

He kept bleeding like

5:30

I think his he

5:32

didn't heal properly and

5:34

so they did some

5:36

kind of testing and

5:39

found out he had

5:41

leukemia and so he

5:43

flew to Bangkok and

5:47

was at one of these state

5:49

-of -the -art hospitals in Bangkok. And

5:51

he just told me all

5:53

this when I arrived in Thailand.

5:57

I was like, hey, I made

5:59

it to Thailand. Can't

6:01

wait to meet you. And

6:03

he was like, oh, yeah,

6:05

I have a little medical thing.

6:07

I'm in Bangkok. But

6:09

I told the doorman in

6:11

my building that you might

6:13

be coming by. so

6:16

why don't you just stay

6:18

at my apartment in Chiang Mai

6:20

and you guys can hang

6:22

out there and there's a swimming

6:24

pool and I'll tell my

6:26

friends to come by and take

6:28

you out to dinner and

6:30

show you around he was just

6:32

so fucking awesome this guy

6:34

and yeah never did go to

6:36

his place in Chiang Mai

6:38

because we were in Bangkok and

6:40

I said dude we're in

6:42

Bangkok can I come visit you

6:44

so Went

6:46

to the hospital room

6:48

and hung out and

6:50

then the next day

6:52

we did a podcast

6:54

Recorded a podcast, but

6:56

he said If it's

6:58

okay, I'd rather not

7:00

talk about this disease

7:02

and the Shit that

7:05

I'm going through I'd

7:07

rather talk about that

7:09

later when I'm on

7:11

the other side of

7:13

it So we just

7:15

talked about how he got

7:17

to Thailand and why he was

7:19

living there and all that

7:21

kind of stuff and he was,

7:23

a couple days later, he

7:26

was, I guess they'd

7:29

already done the procedure

7:31

where they irradiate the

7:33

bone marrow, which

7:35

was producing

7:37

these diseased

7:39

blood cells.

7:43

And I remember meeting his mother. She

7:46

was there because she

7:48

was a match donor. And

7:51

they were going to do

7:53

a bone marrow transplant from

7:55

her to him. And

7:58

then he'd have a

8:00

week or 10 days recovery.

8:04

And then we would

8:06

do another podcast down

8:08

the road two weeks

8:10

later or something. Yeah,

8:13

we recorded the

8:15

podcast and I gave

8:17

him a hug

8:19

and Left and I

8:21

think I don't

8:23

remember now, but I

8:26

think it was

8:28

Before I'd even had

8:30

the chance to

8:32

post the episode He

8:34

died I guess

8:36

something went wrong in

8:38

the Transplant procedure

8:40

Fuck And

8:42

now this has happened

8:44

so Truth be told I

8:46

was aware that Aline

8:48

Had health issues Tom and

8:51

I had a coffee

8:53

a month or so ago

8:55

and I guess I

8:57

had mentioned at some point

8:59

That it would be

9:01

great to do a podcast

9:03

with her and she

9:05

was willing but as you

9:07

may have heard in

9:09

the episode she's a private

9:12

person, very

9:14

discreet, I think

9:16

by nature and

9:19

also as a

9:21

lawyer. She

9:23

was someone who thinks

9:26

carefully before speaking

9:28

and so the sort

9:30

of freewheeling blah blah

9:32

blah podcast format that

9:34

I favor might have

9:36

felt, I don't

9:38

know, thin ice for

9:41

her. Anyway,

9:43

I just sensed that

9:45

she was willing but

9:47

hesitant. And

9:50

so I didn't push

9:52

it because that happens

9:54

a lot where there's

9:56

someone I find interesting

9:58

and I propose that

10:00

we do a podcast

10:02

together and they're like,

10:04

yeah, thank you. They're

10:06

touched by the suggestion,

10:08

but it's just not

10:10

the right. format

10:13

for some people

10:15

is not the right

10:17

they feel vulnerable

10:19

or like they're not

10:22

that interesting or

10:24

whatever there all sorts

10:26

of things can

10:28

kick in raging from

10:30

unwarranted insecurity to

10:32

perhaps warranted hesitation to

10:34

be too associated

10:36

with the guy the

10:38

sex of darn

10:41

guy In any case

10:43

that's what I felt

10:45

with her that it was

10:47

like Thank you, but

10:49

not so sure That's something

10:51

I want to do

10:53

so I never mentioned it

10:55

again and then I

10:57

Don't know a month or

10:59

two ago Tom and

11:01

I met for a coffee

11:03

And he said hey

11:05

Your podcast is your business

11:07

of course I would

11:09

never try to Tell

11:11

you what to do, but

11:14

if you want to do

11:16

that podcast with Aline You

11:18

might want to Get on

11:20

that because she's having some

11:22

health issues that Could make

11:24

it impossible For her to

11:27

do that at some point

11:29

and I said well does

11:31

she really does she want

11:33

to do this because I

11:35

Don't want to be pushy

11:38

or anything and he said

11:40

yeah I've spoken to

11:42

her about it and

11:44

she's into it. So

11:46

I followed up and we did

11:48

it. And I

11:50

guess we recorded that

11:53

conversation maybe three weeks

11:55

ago and she seemed

11:57

fine. She was

11:59

very thin and pale

12:01

and I wouldn't

12:03

say she was the

12:05

picture of health,

12:07

but she had energy

12:09

and humor

12:11

and she was very

12:13

much alive. And

12:15

so that was a shock to get that message

12:17

this morning. It's a strange

12:19

thing to think about. When

12:22

someone dies, I think, I

12:24

don't know, we all

12:26

think about things I wish

12:28

I'd said or conversations

12:30

I wish we'd had. And

12:33

I think back on the conversation I

12:35

had with her and I don't know,

12:37

there are things. Maybe

12:39

I wish I had

12:42

asked her about or

12:44

pursued a little more

12:46

deeply, but I don't

12:48

know. I feel like

12:51

with these conversations, I

12:53

just try to open

12:55

doors and then if

12:57

the person walks through

13:00

the door, it's up

13:02

to them. It's their

13:04

choice. My job

13:06

is to open the door. It's

13:09

not to push anyone through it. So

13:12

I hope that

13:14

in our conversation

13:16

Aleen felt that

13:18

every door was

13:20

open and because

13:22

of her sort

13:25

of natural caution

13:27

and yeah, I

13:29

don't know. It's

13:31

a type of intelligence

13:33

I lack and I

13:37

respected in others. This

13:40

think before you speak kind

13:42

of intelligence. Any of

13:44

you who have listened

13:47

to this podcast with

13:49

any regularity know that's

13:51

not one of my

13:53

most salient characteristics. And

13:56

honestly, I don't

13:58

think it's a

14:01

characteristic that's particularly

14:03

helpful for podcasting.

14:06

I think it's helpful in many

14:08

areas of life. But

14:10

at least this podcast,

14:12

I think the spirit

14:15

of the podcast is

14:17

to just go where

14:19

it goes and not

14:22

try to be too

14:24

careful or deliberate. But

14:27

I do recognize that

14:29

quality in others

14:31

and I respect it

14:33

and I recognize

14:35

that there

14:38

have been plenty

14:40

of times

14:42

plenty of times

14:44

when I've

14:46

said something off

14:48

the cuff

14:50

without thinking that

14:52

has at

14:55

best resulted in

14:57

awkwardness and

14:59

discomfort and at

15:01

worst has

15:03

resulted in

15:06

real pain and

15:08

damage to

15:10

a potential friendship

15:12

or to

15:15

someone who felt

15:17

attacked or

15:19

criticized or, I

15:21

don't know,

15:24

exposed in some

15:26

way. It's

15:28

a quality that I

15:30

like about myself. when

15:32

it results in

15:35

laughter or a sort

15:37

of deepened intimacy

15:39

where I go somewhere

15:41

and the person's,

15:43

oh You're willing to

15:45

go there. Okay. I'll

15:48

go there with you

15:50

but I have to admit

15:53

that sometimes that's not

15:55

the result Sometimes the result

15:57

is I don't want

15:59

to go there I

16:02

don't want to go there with you, certainly.

16:06

And I really wish

16:08

you hadn't dragged

16:10

me into this. And

16:12

that feels shitty. But

16:15

it's part of the deal.

16:18

It's hard to

16:21

be spontaneous

16:23

on demand. It's

16:26

a contradiction in terms. To

16:29

be cautiously

16:32

spontaneous cautiously intrepid bold

16:34

thoughtfully unthinking yeah

16:36

anyway the situation with

16:38

Aline and Tom

16:41

is really fucking hard

16:43

because you know

16:45

if you listen to

16:48

that conversation and

16:50

if you had haven't

16:52

I hope you

16:54

will take some time

16:57

to go back

16:59

and listen They

17:01

lived in Texas. She

17:04

worked for the State of Texas. She

17:06

worked for the Insurance Commission. She worked

17:08

for the University of Texas. She

17:11

worked for some big law firm. She

17:15

made a lot of money. She was

17:17

a go -getter, very

17:19

smart, very

17:23

ethical and driven

17:25

in some ways, I

17:27

think. And we talked

17:29

about that. We talked about some

17:32

of the ways

17:34

that her mother's decisions

17:36

may have influenced

17:38

the course of Eileen's

17:41

life. Anyway, they

17:43

lived down there, they worked, they made

17:45

a lot of money, and

17:47

then they, about a

17:49

year and a half

17:51

ago or so. maybe

17:53

two years ago now I'm not sure

17:55

they started building this house and

17:57

the reason we met them is that

17:59

we owned some property on the

18:02

same little street and we were out

18:04

for a walk one day and

18:06

we saw Tom in the yard and

18:08

I said something about the house

18:10

going up and he said yeah he's

18:12

such a friendly guy and he

18:14

was like yeah why don't you guys

18:16

come over for some wine and

18:19

cheese later and we'll tell you all

18:21

about it and So

18:23

we did and they had

18:25

a camper van that they were

18:27

staying in while they worked

18:30

on the house and so we

18:32

just hung out in there

18:34

and heard their life story and

18:36

when they had saved up

18:38

all this money and sold their

18:40

place in Texas and now

18:43

they were building their dream house.

18:46

And man, it's beautiful. It's

18:48

a really beautiful house. And

18:52

they just moved in

18:54

about three months ago. So

18:57

what's the lesson there, folks?

19:00

It's the same lesson that

19:02

I think we return

19:05

to many times on this

19:07

podcast. Don't

19:09

wait. Don't wait.

19:12

Unless you really have to. But

19:15

certainly don't wait because you

19:17

think there's always more time.

19:19

There's a line in a red

19:21

hot chili pepper song. I think

19:23

it's tear. I think it's the

19:26

song tear. This is my time.

19:28

This is my tear. Or

19:31

he says, say it now

19:33

because you never know. It's

19:36

such a simple line, but I

19:38

feel it in my heart every

19:40

time I hear it. Say

19:43

it now because you never know.

19:46

Never know. All right,

19:48

that's all I have

19:50

to say today. This is

19:52

a very mini ramblin

19:54

Roma. I'm sitting on a

19:57

rock under a tree

19:59

by Spanish Creek off to

20:01

the side of Kamino

20:03

Baka Grande, not

20:05

far from the

20:08

Hindu looking

20:11

out over the San Luis

20:13

Valley, and encouraging you to

20:15

say it now, because you

20:18

never know. Music

20:38

This is my time, this

20:40

is my tale I

20:46

can see it clearly

20:48

now that this is not

20:50

a place for playing

20:52

solitaire Tell

20:54

me where

20:56

you want

20:58

me This

21:00

is my time, this

21:03

is my tale Coming

21:07

on strong

21:10

boat land

21:15

Seems to me

21:17

like all the

21:19

world gets high

21:21

Oh when you

21:23

take a deal

21:25

Let it rise

21:27

before you This

21:30

is my crime

21:33

All in all and

21:35

I'm Loving every

21:38

rise and fall The

21:40

song we'll make

21:42

and I will take

21:44

Breath to be

21:46

sure of this In

21:49

the end and

21:51

then Oh we'll be

21:53

forgiven When surrender

21:55

rises high And I'll

21:58

give what I

22:00

can to give. Say

22:02

it now, you

22:05

never know. Devil

22:10

may cry,

22:12

devil may care.

22:17

The stealer's got a screamin'

22:19

now. I know just

22:21

why, when she's

22:23

movin' in.

22:25

Can you feel

22:27

the voltage? This

22:32

is my

22:34

town. Can

22:50

skies got room to

22:53

spare. This

22:57

is my town.

22:59

All in, all in,

23:01

I'm lovin' every

23:03

rise and fall. This

23:05

song will make

23:08

and I will take

23:10

breath to be

23:12

sure of this. In

23:15

the end and

23:17

then, I will be

23:19

born again. When

23:22

surrender rises high and

23:24

I gave what

23:26

I came to give.

23:29

Say it now,

23:31

because you never know.

23:33

I'll never know. ś

24:09

ś ś

24:14

Take

24:16

it

24:18

outside,

24:21

take it out

24:23

there ś to

24:27

me like all the

24:29

world gets high ś

24:32

ś But when you

24:34

take a deal ś

24:36

ś In the final

24:38

moment ś ś

24:41

There's no time

24:43

ś ś All in,

24:45

all in ś

24:47

Loving every rise ś

24:49

And fall the

24:51

song ś make and

24:53

I will take ś

24:55

ś Ref to be sure

24:57

of this ś ś

24:59

In the end and then

25:02

ś I will be

25:04

forgiven ś When

25:06

surrender rises high I

25:08

gave what I came

25:10

to give ś ś

25:12

Say it now because

25:14

you never know ś

25:17

Oh, never

25:19

know ś ś