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Hi everyone, it's Anusha here. Today,

0:02

we are sharing the first episode

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from an incredible podcast on the

0:07

RQ network with you, not... Not

0:09

Quite Dead is a UK-based, gory

0:11

horror romance podcast from the award-winning

0:14

team behind Spirit Box Radio, Remnants,

0:16

and Clockwork Bird. Follow Alfie, a

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nurse working overtime when a patient

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arrives with her throat torn out.

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This is just the beginning of

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a terrifying night, as Alfie finds

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himself caught in a battle between

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the living and the undead. Saved

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by mysterious vampire named Casper, they

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find themselves inescapably bad. together. Neither

0:38

of them are happy about it,

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but the draw of each other's

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blood is irresistible. Find other brilliant

0:45

episodes in this series by searching

0:47

for Not Quite Dead, wherever you

0:49

listen to podcasts, click in the

0:52

link in the show notes or

0:54

on rusticwill.com. If you want to

0:57

support Not Quite Dead and its

0:59

creators, until April 3rd, head to

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www. rusticwill.com,/fundraiser. Have fun and enjoy

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the episode. My name is Alfie

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and I'm not quite dead. No.

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I'm Alfie and if you're listening

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to this tape I'm probably dead

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or not quite dead but in

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a different kind of way and...

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Jesus this all sounds ridiculous doesn't

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it? This is a lot more

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difficult than I thought it would

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be. Did I think it would

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be easy to write my own

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obituary? Is that what this even

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is? Honestly, I didn't give it

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much thought before I sat down.

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I just knew I had to

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say something. Leave a little piece

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of me behind, you know? So,

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the basics. I'm Alfie. I used

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to be an A&E nurse, but

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now I'm just me. I haven't

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left my flat in days. I

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think I'm dying. I know I'm

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dying. I should be dead already,

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but I'm not. There's

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been a lot going on honestly and

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I just need to say all this

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now before I make any decisions because

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whatever I choose I'm dead or I'm

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dead and either way I'm pretty sure

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none of this is going to matter

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to me so much after that. Whatever it

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is that's happening to me now

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it's important that people know not

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because I'm important I am really

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really not but this is so yeah if

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you could just make sure my mum and

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my sisters don't hear this tape that

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would be great. Anonymize me or whatever.

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Call me, I don't know, Ben

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or something. And Casper can be

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Bill. Wait, no. There's already a

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vampire called Bill, isn't there? Wasn't

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he a confederate or something?

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Oh, I'm really waffling, aren't I?

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Mumma always says I worry too

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much about whether people like me.

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She'd say like, Christalfi, you're

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picking up your antidepressants,

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not doing an improv

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bit, and I'd be like, why

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not both? Poor Dalah the pharmacist

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won't have to deal with

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my terrible customer service stand-up

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routines anymore, so there is good to

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come out of this situation after all.

3:06

I think I got this dicta-phone to

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do poetry. God, I will spare you

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my slam poetry phase, nobody needs that

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in their life. I can't know that this

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is important, and I need to get this

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out, I need to. There are only snatches

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now where I'm awake enough to speak, and

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I think it's only going to get worse.

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and in approximately four

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days when my supply

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of this blood runs out I'm

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going to either die or

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become something else I'm getting

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ahead of myself. I need

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to start at the beginning

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so you understand what

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happened and the beginning

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for me was the people with

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the torn out throats. The first

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one I saw was the girl

3:54

on the gurney. This

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is

4:05

not

4:08

quite

4:10

dead.

4:12

Episode

4:15

1

4:17

The

4:19

Girl

4:22

on the

4:25

Gurney

4:28

Saturday nights were bad time to get hurt because everyone's getting hurt

4:31

on a Saturday night. That night there was this guy down the hall

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with a rake in his foot. A woman who had cracked her head

4:35

open on the curb, two lads getting their litt stitched in triage, of

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the two few people who were actually working that night, only three of

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us knew the hospital well. Me, Tracy, and Haley, the junior doctor. When

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the girl on the gurney came in, I was on hour 16, over

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12, a shift, of a shift with 12th hour shift with lead bones, and

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eyes shift, and eyes shift, and eyes shift, and eyes shift, and eyes, and

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eyes, and eyes, so wide, so wide, I was so wide, I was so wide.

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I was so wide. I was beginning to wonder, I was beginning to

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wonder, I was beginning to wonder if I was going to wonder if

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I'd ever be able to ever be able to be able to be

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able to be able to be able to get them to get them

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to I barely thought anything of it. The ragged gash on

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her neck was unusual but not surprising.

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I didn't have the energy for

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surprise. When we transferred her over

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from the ambulance gurney onto another,

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she was cold to the touch, limbs loose,

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had lolling over the wod of gauze taped

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to her neck. Terry, the ambulance guy I've

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known for years, told me they thought it was

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a mugging that she'd been drinking out with

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her friends and got separated from them and

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when they found her, her throat was torn

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was torn out and she was barely conscious.

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I don't remember what I said in

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response. It's not my job to care and

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not about that. The girl's eyes were half

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open, her hands were clammy, loosely clutched

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over her chest, sat and dressed, torn

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to allow for heart monitors. Her

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blood pressure was through the floor.

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Her oxygen levels were no better. Beneath

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the pad of gauze, her wound was

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jagged and strange, but despite its depth,

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it was no longer bleeding. The

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ragged flesh looked grey and almost

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dry. I didn't have time to think beyond assessing

5:53

that this wouldn't be the thing that killed her

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right away. With trauma it's about priorities and

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right then what we needed to do was whatever...

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we could to get as much fluid into

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her system as possible. She came in

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pre-hooked up to IV fluids. Ambulance

6:06

Terry's work was nimble and efficient

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as always. The girl's breath was

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coming heavy and slow. That's normal when

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your blood pressure is low but it's

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not a good pressure is low but it's not

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a good sign. When you first start losing

6:19

blood your heart beats faster and your

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breath speeds up. There's less blood in

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the system so your body is working

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extra hard to make sure that what

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is being extra steam. It

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was very clear, the girl on the

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gooney was almost entirely

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steamless by that point. She was in

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shock. What I remember really distinctly was

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she looked at me with those half-shat

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eyes and she tried to say something,

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but I don't know what it was,

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I couldn't hear her, so I just

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smiled and said something generic, like we're

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going to look after you, like I would

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to anyone. She looked me in the eye

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and it wasn't acceptance exactly, but

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it was like she knew as best she

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could and... Very slightly shook her head. Behind

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me I could hear the junior doctor Haley

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go and spare, talking fast about

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calling the consultant, about booking a

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surgery suite, about ordering more bloods,

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more fluids to restock the fringes,

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and I couldn't make my body move.

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Haley grabbed my arm, waffling still about

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calling the consultant or whatever, and

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I looked up from the patient's

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half-litted eyes and Haley just immediately

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shut up. It felt like we stood there in

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silence for ages, but it was probably only

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a second or two or two really.

7:27

It was one of those

7:29

transparent moments where you can

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see right through to exactly

7:34

what is going to happen

7:36

next, but for now you're

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just stuck there, knowing, powerless.

7:40

Haley released her grip on my

7:43

arm and swallowed. Her

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expression was sat, drained, and

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we were both completely still

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for a second, looking at

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the girl on the gurney. I nodded

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at Haley. She nodded back. We

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did everything we could, filled it with fluids,

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blood, plasma. but she died there on the gurney,

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just like Hailey and I both knew she would. Hasteily

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fritted, IVs were stopped,

8:07

monitors detached. I

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closed her eyes. Hailey performed the slow, arduous

8:11

task of pronouncing the definitely dead girl

8:13

dead, and me and the other nurses went

8:15

back to flitting between other patients in

8:17

A &E as best as we could. All

8:20

in, it was 32 minutes since she came through

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the door. I don't

8:24

remember who I was seeing next, maybe

8:26

stitching gashes on an arm, fitting an

8:28

IV, drawing blood, but I know at

8:30

some point I looked up to see

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a distraught woman in slippers and pink

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flamingo pyjamas with a dufflecoat over the

8:36

top bounding through the door. She was

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the spitting image of the girl on

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the gurney. Hailey had just finished pronouncing

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the girl dead and as soon as

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she saw the woman in the pink

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flamingo pyjamas her face paled. I didn't

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hear the conversation, but I caught glimpses

8:50

between pressing ice packs on forearms and

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checking trips in the back of elderly

8:54

people's hands. The woman in the pink

8:56

flamingo pyjamas covered her mouth and then

8:58

her face. She sat

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down slowly, shoulders rising to her ears.

9:03

It's always the same. Hailey

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wondered over to me, limply, and I

9:08

politely excused myself from whatever tired it

9:10

was attempting to stem to meet her

9:12

halfway. She told me it was the

9:15

first person she declared dead that wasn't

9:17

elderly. We

9:19

went outside to smoke down the back

9:21

of the hospital. There were these unnaturally bright

9:23

white lights which made the darkness beyond

9:25

the little patch of light we were standing

9:27

in feel even darker. We

9:30

were standing slightly too far apart. I

9:32

had to really stretch when I held out

9:34

my box of cigarettes to... Hailey wasn't

9:36

a smoker but she took one anyway. We

9:39

stood there in silence, trading smoke in

9:41

thin wisps up towards the floodlights. Out

9:44

of nowhere, Hailey made this strange noise like

9:46

a kick dog. I looked up at her in

9:48

alarm with my saucer wide, sleep deprived eyes,

9:50

half expecting her leg to have fallen off all

9:52

gallons of blood to be pouring out of

9:54

her ears but instead she was just crying. the

10:00

sleeves of her jacket over her hands

10:02

and covered her face with them. All of a

10:04

sudden, she looked very young. I don't really

10:06

know what it was. She just looked really

10:08

small. Junior doctor is a bit of

10:10

a misnomer. Haley had been out of medical

10:12

school for two years by the time she'd

10:15

come to work with me on A&E. At

10:17

that point, I didn't know her that

10:19

well. She'd only been at York Hospital

10:21

for a couple of weeks then, but

10:23

over her stint working with me, I'd

10:25

already learned. I liked her a lot. She was kind,

10:27

in spite of a job that punished that sort

10:29

of thing, and she was a laugh on a night

10:31

out and never took things too seriously. She felt more

10:33

like a nurse than a doctor, and I mean that

10:35

as a compliment. Not to diss doctors or anything,

10:38

but they can be a bit up themselves.

10:40

But Haley always listened to us when we gave

10:42

her advice. Always remembered staff like me and

10:44

Tracy might not have been doctors, but we

10:46

had been working in the hospital for years,

10:48

something that she and her fellow junior doctors

10:50

didn't have the luxury luxury of the luxury

10:52

of doing. It was doing. It was sad, seeing her

10:54

so distraught, seeing her so distraught. So

10:56

broken, but I understood it. I

10:58

told her it was fucking horrendous because

11:01

it was. It always is. You

11:03

get used to it in some ways, unshocked

11:05

by the death and horrors, but it

11:07

doesn't do you any good to get

11:10

like that. Deep down, under the layers

11:12

of thick skin, you always feel

11:14

it. Sometimes it's sharp enough to poke

11:16

right through to the surface. We didn't

11:18

say anything else. We just

11:20

stood, and hailiiness, silently wept.

11:23

I didn't escape A&E for another

11:25

four and a half hours after

11:27

that. Seven more people died and

11:29

by the time I pulled into

11:31

the drive and let myself back

11:33

into my mum's house through the

11:35

back door so I didn't wake my

11:38

mum and my sisters. I'd almost

11:40

completely forgotten about the girl on

11:42

my gurne. I fell faced down

11:44

to my unmade bed, fully clothed

11:46

and sticky with swan God

11:48

knows. And finally, finally, I slept.

11:53

Sorry, um, where was

11:55

I? Oh yeah, they

11:58

get on the Gurney

12:00

was gone from my mind completely by the time

12:02

my mother woke me the next morning. I

12:04

was fully dressed under the covers and I

12:06

was not ready to be accosted when she

12:08

burst in and immediately started going on about

12:10

how long was shift had been. It was not

12:12

an ideal living situation much as I loved my

12:15

mum and the weird thing was she hadn't talked

12:17

about it at all really until that morning. The

12:19

day after I saw the girl on the Gurney died.

12:21

I've wondered about that since, you know, like

12:23

it feels like a weird cosmic coincidence. Casper

12:26

says it probably wasn't a coincidence,

12:28

despite how many times I've told

12:30

him that the girl on the

12:32

girl on the girl he was

12:34

no worse than any of the other

12:36

patients that died that night, apart

12:38

from how it affected Haley, but

12:40

he doesn't believe me. It's

12:43

bloody survivorship bias, that's what

12:45

it is. All hindsight, making

12:47

connections, it wouldn't have been

12:49

possible to make it all at the

12:51

time, but which feel really obvious when you

12:53

look back. My mother was standing at the

12:56

kitchen sink holding her cup of tea and when

12:58

I walked in she said, you look awful, even

13:00

though she hadn't even turned around. I told her

13:02

thanks and set about making some breakfast.

13:04

One of my sisters had clearly stolen

13:06

my expensive imported Golden Grahams because there

13:09

were only a few stale pieces left

13:11

at the bottom of the box. I

13:13

padded them out with cornflakes and

13:15

was mid-retriever spoon from the dishwasher when

13:17

my mum said, have you thought any more about

13:19

moving out? I've wrote in place like a

13:22

particularly shit street street performer. I

13:24

looked at my mother with a raised eyebrow. The truth was

13:26

I had thought about it almost constantly since the

13:28

moment I'd had to move back in. And

13:30

it was only very partially to do with

13:33

the laissez-faire approach everyone else in my

13:35

immediate family seemed to have with cutlery

13:37

storage. Mum's house was, like I say, less

13:39

than ideal living situation for me. And it was

13:41

not just because I was forced to share

13:43

a single bathroom with another adult and almost

13:46

adult on a breeding. Mid-morning is a

13:48

good bet for showers for showers in Mum's house. Tammy,

13:50

my little sister, has bat in the evenings,

13:52

mum showers at the crack of dawn and

13:54

grace, in the glory of her late teens,

13:56

does not usually emerge from her bedroom until

13:58

early afternoon. When her first moved... back, my

14:00

old bedroom was full of Christmas decorations, including

14:02

the artificial tree, still decked out in all

14:04

its bawble and light glory. Mom told me

14:06

her friend Janet had been doing this for years.

14:08

You just wrapped the basset in a couple of loops of

14:10

cling film and shove it out of sight. Janet had

14:12

a spare room, which Mum had never had before, so

14:15

as soon as the opportunity arose, she seized it. She

14:17

seemed to have also applied the same logic to other

14:19

occasional use household items because my room was

14:21

also home too. The never used stationary bike,

14:23

which was dressed in several winter coats, which

14:25

was dressed in several winter coats, which was

14:28

dressed in several winter coats. the fully assembled

14:30

ironing board complete with a decorative layer of

14:32

shirts that had never even heard of an

14:34

iron, let alone been subject to a pressing

14:36

by one, a dog's bed filled with dog toys

14:38

for the dog Millie who had died five years

14:40

previously. In fairness, mum had cleared the suitcases

14:43

off the bed before I arrived, stacking them in

14:45

a hazard tower between the bike and the tree

14:47

and its cling film condom. When we need

14:49

to move anything else, she'd asked and I told her

14:51

no because I thought I'd only be there for a

14:53

few nights for a few nights at worst. I'd come

14:55

back to stay with mum because my partner, Ben, who I'd previously been

14:57

living with, had forgotten to check in with me about when my shift

14:59

would likely be ending, so he had failed to kick out the younger,

15:01

hotter version of me. He'd apparently been sleeping with for months before I

15:03

got home. Younger, hotter me, was a medical student, who was also named

15:05

Ben, which I found a particularly kick in the teeth. It wasn't that

15:07

he was called Ben, which was my partner's my partner's named, named, or

15:10

even that he was my partner, which was my partner, which was my

15:12

partner, which was my partner, my partner, my partner, my partner, my partner,

15:14

which was my partner, my partner, my partner, my partner, my partner,

15:16

my partner, my partner, my partner, my partner, my partner, my partner,

15:18

my partner, my partner, my partner, my partner, my partner, my partner,

15:20

my partner, my partner, my partner, my partner, my partner, my partner,

15:22

my partner, my partner My Ben had started sleeping with

15:24

me when I was a trainee nurse. I

15:26

remember the night I left for my mum's house

15:29

right before I walked out of the door. I

15:31

looked at them, sat together on the couch that

15:33

my Ben and I had bought together, and asking

15:35

if they said each other's names during sex, because

15:37

if they said each other's names during sex,

15:40

because it wasn't that weird, saying your

15:42

own name. They both just looked at me

15:44

with the same mix of horror and embarrassment

15:46

and embarrassment against the other Ben's

15:49

ass cheeks. I've since come to the conclusion

15:51

that they absolutely did, because my Ben

15:53

refused to answer this question no matter

15:55

how many times I put it to him. I

15:57

treasured across York on foot because the car

15:59

was broken. with my rock sac and

16:01

my phone, and I was still crying when

16:03

I opened the door to me. She made

16:06

me a cup of tea, finished moving the

16:08

suitcases, and put me to bed, surrounded by

16:10

all the strange off-season objects which had taken

16:12

up residence in my absence. I had assumed,

16:15

that first night, that my Ben would come

16:17

to me with sniffling apologies, and I'd forgive

16:19

him like all the other times I'd discovered

16:21

his infidelity. However, when I returned back to

16:24

our flat to pick up more underwear, I

16:26

found other Ben making a cup of coffee

16:28

in the kitchen, entirely nude, but for a

16:31

pair of my socks. At that point I

16:33

decided I could probably do better. So my

16:35

couple of nights back at Mum's became a

16:37

few weeks. Those few weeks became a few

16:40

months. Christmas came and we decondomed the tree,

16:42

letting it take pride of place in the

16:44

living room. And when the festive period was

16:46

over, Mum wordlessly removed the bawbles, disassembled the

16:49

tree, and shoved it up in the loft.

16:51

The ironing board also resumed its old folded

16:53

position in the downstairs low. I still share

16:55

a room with the stationary bike and the

16:58

winter coats though. Through all of this Mum

17:00

had not once brought up the fact that

17:02

I could not in fact stay living back

17:05

in my childhood home forever. Are you hoping

17:07

to not have to put the tree in

17:09

the attic after Christmas I asked her? Mum

17:11

sighed. No it's not that, it's just she

17:14

gestured vaguely at my entire body. You don't

17:16

seem happy Elfie. I asked if she thought

17:18

turning out on the street would put a

17:20

spring in my step. No, mum sighed, of

17:23

course not. You can stay as long as

17:25

you need to, but I'm worried that maybe

17:27

you're worried about moving on. Have you even,

17:29

you know, been with any lads since? I

17:32

asked her if she really wanted answers to

17:34

that question, which of course she didn't. The

17:36

answer was no. Sorry, I just worry, my

17:39

mum said. You should be in love. You

17:41

should at least be out looking for your

17:43

shifts at work at work. That hospital is

17:45

going to put you in an early grave.

17:48

You in an early grave. I told her

17:50

that at least if I was going to

17:52

have a heart attack I'd be in the

17:54

right place for it. She was right in

17:57

the end, no. No, not in the ways

17:59

she thought. I did briefly to

18:01

over the idea of looking for someone else

18:03

called Alfie that I could sleep with just

18:05

to see her telling me there was no rush

18:07

that if I didn't want to dive back into

18:09

the dating pool before I was ready that was

18:12

fine. My friends were in the opposite camp,

18:14

strong believers in that not so old adage

18:16

that the best way to go over someone

18:18

is to get under someone else. I did briefly

18:20

to over the idea of looking for someone

18:22

else called Alfie that I could sleep with

18:24

just to see what it was like but... Turns out

18:26

most men called Alfie would be

18:29

considered geriatric patients if they came

18:31

into the hospital and I couldn't

18:33

even tell whether any of the ones I'd found

18:35

were gay. It was one thing to walk up to

18:37

a pretty guy in a bar and flirt with

18:39

him to test the waters and another

18:41

entirely to approach someone's granddad who isn't

18:43

even hot and say, hey you've got

18:45

the same name as me, fancy a

18:47

shag to cure my trauma. Feeling quite

18:50

sorry for myself, I dug my phone out

18:52

of my jacket to scroll through as I ate

18:54

my depressingly. There it is.

18:56

That's 12 hours since I

18:58

last drank the blood. Why am

19:01

I telling you about the fucking

19:03

cereal? How am I talking

19:05

about Ben? None of this matters.

19:07

I'm not starting to feel

19:09

it yet. This is cold

19:11

that creeps in when the

19:13

blood wears off. But it's

19:16

not started yet. That's good

19:18

at least. Last time it

19:20

was about 20 hours before

19:22

I needed more. Casper

19:24

said the time between would get shorter

19:26

and shorter, and that it had helped

19:28

less, you know. Like building up a tolerance.

19:31

Casper got all wise with me when

19:33

I made that comparison, though. He said,

19:35

yes, but this tolerance would build your

19:38

death, like that wasn't all we'd been

19:40

talking about for the previous hour. It's

19:42

the easiest comparison, though, building up a

19:44

tolerance. And before I need to drink

19:46

more of it, it's like a process

19:49

of withdrawal. And yes, Casper, if you're

19:51

listening to this, I know that's not

19:53

exactly like that. That what's actually happening

19:55

to me is that all the dying, that the

19:58

blood is keeping at bay, is slowly...

20:00

creeping back into me but this

20:02

is the best analogy I've got

20:04

so bear with me and I

20:06

need my analogies cast but they

20:08

keep me sane. The withdrawal starts

20:10

off like tingling in my fingers

20:12

almost like pins and needles but

20:14

kind of cold like the feeling

20:16

of mint in your mouth you

20:18

know and he creeps and creeps

20:20

and I can feel myself sweating

20:22

and my heart starts thundering and

20:25

I can't breathe and all I

20:27

can think about is the taste

20:29

and I've

20:34

tasted blood before,

20:36

but it's not

20:38

like caspuses. It's

20:40

like rust and

20:42

nothing. More blood.

20:44

This is like...

20:46

It's sweet. Like

20:49

honey and wine

20:51

and musk and

20:53

boozy and rich

20:55

and... God. I

20:57

should sleep before

20:59

it starts. Casper

21:03

said it would be like this. It

21:05

can only serve as a pause, it

21:07

can't heal what happened, so either I

21:09

spread it out or I drink two

21:12

doses at once and I become like

21:14

him. Like Casper. But I don't need

21:16

to decide that yet. I have enough

21:19

blood left. I've measured it out carefully,

21:21

I don't need to decide yet. Could

21:23

be a few days before I need

21:26

to decide. Maybe Casper will come back

21:28

before then. It'd be easier. Casper came

21:30

back. Casper came back. He

21:33

said a few

21:36

back three days

21:38

ago though. So

21:41

I don't think

21:43

that's going to

21:46

happen. Sorry, I've

21:48

stopped making sense

21:51

of an eye.

21:54

I'll pick this

21:56

up later when

21:59

I've slept. to

22:01

attribution license. Live,

22:04

last, bait. To

22:33

listen to the rest of the

22:35

series, search Not Quite Dead wherever you

22:37

find podcasts, click the link in

22:39

the description, or, as always, you

22:41

can visit Rustyquil.com for more information.

22:44

If you want to support Not to

22:46

Dead and its creators, Dead until

22:48

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