0:01

Few things are sadder than

0:03

seeing a loved one slipped

0:06

gradually into dementia. This is

0:08

what happened to my grandmother,

0:11

my mom's mom. She got to the

0:13

point where she couldn't live

0:15

on her own anymore, but she

0:17

didn't really have other debilitating

0:19

health issues. So she

0:21

didn't need to be in a

0:23

hospital or a nursing home. She

0:26

just needed someone around

0:28

to help her with daily living.

0:30

because she would forget things.

0:32

So my parents converted

0:35

their garage into a small apartment

0:37

so she could live there, and

0:39

she loved this. At the time, our

0:42

two kids were young, maybe six

0:44

and eight, and we'd go over

0:46

and visit pretty often. We'd

0:48

be in the main part of

0:50

the house, and grandma would ask,

0:52

hey, have you seen my new apartment?

0:55

Come on, I'll give you the tour.

0:57

So we would all go over and

0:59

she'd show us all around. This is

1:01

my bed, and this is my chair

1:04

where I like to sit and read

1:06

all the stuff. And then we'd all

1:08

come back to the main house. And

1:10

then maybe five minutes later, Grandma would

1:12

look up like she just thought of

1:15

something and ask, have you all seen

1:17

my new apartment? Come on, let me

1:19

show you. And we'd just go and

1:21

take another tour of the apartment. Our

1:24

kids understood the basics of

1:26

what was happening. and they

1:28

just thought it was hilarious.

1:30

We all just played along

1:32

each time because that's what

1:35

made grandma happy. But it

1:37

was also sad to see

1:39

her gradual decline. My guest

1:41

today, Kerry, could tell that

1:44

her dad was slipping into

1:46

dementia and she wanted to

1:48

help, but she never expected

1:50

to see him decline so

1:53

rapidly. And there was really

1:55

nothing she could do. Because

1:57

it happened on a 1700...

2:00

mile road trip. Real

2:02

people in unreal

2:04

situations. The eerie silence when

2:06

I walked in and he's

2:09

just staring at me. I

2:11

was like hello like

2:13

are you okay? And

2:15

then I had to

2:17

tell him it was

2:19

me. There was just

2:21

blood everywhere. They're shouting,

2:23

they're screaming, they're being

2:25

hit my bullets. hitting

2:27

the ground. And in that

2:30

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2:32

is how I die. Everything

2:34

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2:37

thought to myself this isn't

2:39

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2:41

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3:00

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3:05

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4:32

know I realized something

4:34

recently I've been listening to

4:36

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4:39

and it's funny because my early

4:41

podcast playlist would be so different

4:43

from what it is now. But

4:45

there's one voice I've been listening

4:47

to that whole time, and that's

4:49

Jordan Harbinger. His show is still

4:51

always in my rotation. You guys know

4:54

I love a great story. Well,

4:56

Jordan talks to fascinating people from

4:58

just about every category, authors, scientists,

5:00

athletes, you name it, and they all

5:02

have amazing stories from the lives they've

5:05

lived or the things they've learned. In

5:07

an episode just recently, Jordan had

5:09

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5:11

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5:14

about the science of storytelling. And

5:16

another one I enjoyed was Dr. Sarah

5:18

Hill. She explained the different ways birth

5:21

control pills affect the way women think

5:23

and behave. Did you know some women

5:25

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5:27

depending on whether or not they're

5:29

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5:32

that. One thing I do know is

5:34

when a new episode of the Jordan

5:36

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5:39

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5:41

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5:43

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5:45

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5:47

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5:50

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5:57

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5:59

or... wherever you listen to podcast.

6:01

Growing up, Kerry was always a

6:04

daddy's girl. I was always very close

6:06

with my dad when we were young.

6:08

He was a good dad. I remember when

6:10

I was little I would sit on his

6:12

lap and at dinner or before dinner

6:14

in his reclining chair and cuddle with

6:16

them and he always made a point

6:19

of doing things with me even though

6:21

I was a girl like I have

6:23

an older brother and they would go

6:25

fishing a lot but my dad would

6:27

take me with him sometimes and stuff.

6:29

But every time my dad saw me

6:31

he always did like the little big

6:33

pinch on me cheek and he would

6:35

get a big smile on his

6:37

face. Kerry's dad was from Newfoundland

6:40

originally, but their family made their

6:42

home for many years in Acton,

6:44

Ontario before he retired. Met

6:46

my mom. She is from the same town

6:49

and raised me my brother here and

6:51

decided to move back to Newfoundland

6:53

in 2007 because it was my dad's

6:55

dream to retire and go back to

6:58

his hometown. They moved there actually,

7:00

they sold their house, packed up

7:02

and bought a house in Portland,

7:04

in 2007. So they were enjoying

7:06

retirement and would come back

7:09

to Ontario to visit sometimes,

7:12

but there was one visit in

7:14

2013 when Kerry noticed some

7:16

changes in her dad. First

7:18

sign was we have a gas

7:20

stove and my dad had a

7:22

small plate of like leftovers. I

7:25

think it was like boxing day

7:27

or something. In his mind, I

7:29

think he wanted to warm it

7:31

up in the microwave. I think

7:33

that's what his intention was. But

7:35

for some reason, he took this

7:38

plate and put it on our

7:40

gas stove and turned the burner on.

7:42

So I'm looking at him and I'm

7:44

like, well, that's weird. And, you know,

7:46

kind of panicked. I was like, no,

7:48

dad, you know, it goes in the

7:50

microwave. And he would get all

7:53

frustrated really easily. Another thing is

7:55

boiled eggs. And he... completely forgot how

7:57

to boil in it. He said to

7:59

me, Jesus how to boil an egg. It

8:01

was like a little thing, but I wasn't

8:04

living with him, so I didn't see

8:06

this on a daily basis, but because

8:08

there was so long of a gap

8:10

in between seeing him, I would notice

8:13

these things were like big differences and

8:15

things he would forget. Kerry and

8:17

her husband, David, would also go

8:19

and visit her parents most years,

8:22

but then there was a gap when

8:24

they couldn't make that trip and the

8:26

decline was more noticeable. We

8:29

went in 2019 and then COVID

8:31

hit in 2020. We couldn't go

8:33

at all in 2020. So me

8:35

and my husband went in the

8:37

summer 2021. We took them on a

8:39

road trip for a few days and

8:41

we stayed in cabins and and

8:44

he was still somewhat with it

8:46

then. He could still say

8:48

words properly. His sentences weren't

8:50

the best, but you could

8:52

still somewhat have kind of

8:55

a conversation with him. But

8:57

he wouldn't say anybody's names

8:59

anymore. He knew who we

9:01

were, but he couldn't say anybody's

9:04

names. It was like a blank to

9:06

him. Because I hadn't seen him in

9:08

two years, I noticed a big

9:10

difference. One of Kerry's biggest

9:12

concerns was if her dad

9:14

would ever need urgent medical

9:17

care, there was nothing close

9:19

by. Where they lived, it was such

9:21

a small town that... to go anywhere,

9:23

they would have to drive to Bawtwood,

9:26

which would be a 20-minute drive. And

9:28

that's just a tiny hospital. Or to

9:30

go to Grand Falls would be a

9:33

45-minute drive. Gander was an hour and

9:35

a half, but everything was far away.

9:37

And it's not like here, or the

9:39

US, where we have towns with

9:41

all these side roads and backroads.

9:43

And there's one road in one

9:45

road out to pretty much every

9:47

town in Newfoundland, and it's just

9:49

forest, ocean, and rock in between.

9:51

There's like no little towns

9:54

in between. There's no homes

9:56

on the side of the road.

9:58

It's there's nothing of her, but

10:00

it was becoming too much for her.

10:03

I could see my mom was struggling

10:05

with my dad. He wouldn't take his

10:07

medication anymore, so we used to have

10:09

to grind it up and put it

10:11

in chocolate pudding for him. It was

10:14

the only way he would eat it

10:16

without knowing about it. He was starting

10:18

to get up in the middle of

10:20

the night, like 15, 20 times he

10:22

would just get up and turn the

10:25

sink on and not do anything. And

10:27

he was just up and down constantly

10:29

all night long. And my mom was

10:31

clearly getting frustrated getting frustratedated. She had

10:33

her own health issues over the years.

10:35

She wasn't in the best of health

10:38

to be able to take care of

10:40

my dad. So Kerry and Dave decided

10:42

that a change was needed. Basically me

10:44

and my husband came up with a

10:46

plan, my husband Dave, to come up

10:49

with a plan for, we were going

10:51

to say, come back to our house,

10:53

we'll build you an apartment in our

10:55

basement, and you and dad can live

10:57

there where we can all help you

11:00

take care of dad and you're not

11:02

on your own. It still took a

11:04

bit of convincing to get her mom

11:06

to agree to leave Newfoundland. As frustrated

11:08

as she was, it was a bit

11:11

of a tough cell because she loved

11:13

her house. They owned it right. They

11:15

had a beautiful plot of land in

11:17

Newfoundland, like high up on the hill.

11:19

You could see the bay out from

11:21

the distance. It was just forest and

11:24

it was nice. I mean, it was

11:26

a nice house with a beautiful property.

11:28

And, you know, it was like her

11:30

dream home, her whole life type of

11:32

thing. So it took a lot of

11:35

convincing. to get her to come back

11:37

with us. But her mom did agree

11:39

that it was best. So the house

11:41

was sold and the plan was for

11:43

Kerry to fly back in September. Dave

11:46

couldn't go with her because he had

11:48

to work. So Kerry would spend three

11:50

weeks getting everything either packed up or

11:52

sold and then drive them back to

11:54

Ontario. This was a big project. It

11:56

was after much trepidation with my mother.

11:59

Her trying to get rid of stuff,

12:01

I'm like, keep her get rid of.

12:03

Quick response. Keeper get rid of because

12:05

they were moving from a three bedroom

12:07

home to a one bedroom apartment, essentially.

12:10

So they had to significantly downsize a

12:12

lot of their stuff. Harry's dad at

12:14

this point didn't really understand what was

12:16

going on, but he didn't like it.

12:18

He was not happy. He just knew.

12:21

There's a lot of kind of commotion

12:23

going on in the house. Things were

12:25

changing. Everything was different. You know, my

12:27

dad had become very much of a

12:29

routine person. Everything had to be familiar

12:32

to him. And so once things were

12:34

being moved around and in boxes and

12:36

people, a lot of people were coming

12:38

in and out, he was very agitated

12:40

and mad. You know, that stuff was

12:42

going out the door and not coming

12:45

back type thing. He didn't understand what

12:47

was going on at all. But he

12:49

had his cat. His beloved cat, Kirby.

12:51

Oh, he loved that cat. Yes, that

12:53

was his friend and joy, Kirby. Kirby

12:56

the cat was the size of a

12:58

dog. He was a big cat, big

13:00

orange and white cat. Yeah. So everything

13:02

is done, and they're ready to embark

13:04

on this trip to Acton, Ontario. Kerry

13:07

will be in the driver's seat, her

13:09

mom in the passenger seat, and her

13:11

dad in the back seat with Kirby.

13:13

And this is a long trip. It's

13:15

around 1,700 miles, or about 2,800 kilometers.

13:17

That's about the distance from Chicago to

13:20

Los Angeles. And before we talk about

13:22

what happened on this trip, you need

13:24

to understand. It's divided into six different

13:26

segments or legs. So I'll kind of

13:28

summarize what those are, and the trip

13:31

can begin. First, you leave in the

13:33

house. You've got a three-hour drive. to

13:35

Cornerbrook, Newfoundland. And we'll talk about that.

13:37

That was a visit. And then another

13:39

two-hour drive to Port Obas. That's where

13:42

the car ferry is. Then you've got

13:44

the six-hour ferry ride over to Nova

13:46

Scotia, and then from there you've got

13:48

a two-hour drive where you're going to

13:50

stay overnight, the next day a ten

13:53

and a half hour drive, that's leg

13:55

five, and then finally another eight and

13:57

a half hour drive to get to

13:59

your house. And I'm exhausted just thinking

14:01

about all of that. And your mom

14:03

doesn't drive either, right? Well she does

14:06

drive, but she's... She didn't want to

14:08

drive. I said I would do all

14:10

the driving just to make it easier

14:12

on her because then she could control

14:14

my dad and do what she needed

14:17

to to kind of keep my dad

14:19

settle in the back. So I said

14:21

I would do all the driving. I'd

14:23

always wanted to do the drive from

14:25

Newfoundland to Ontario or vice versa. I

14:28

did it once when I was a

14:30

kid with my family. I was like

14:32

six, but I'd always wanted to do

14:34

it as an adult. So I thought

14:36

it would be this great trip experience.

14:39

to Cornerbrook, Newfoundland. Why stop there? We

14:41

went to Cornerbrook, so my dad could

14:43

see his sister, Mildred, for the last

14:45

time. She is about eight years older

14:47

than my dad, but she was always

14:49

very close with my dad because he

14:52

was the baby of 13 children. They

14:54

treated him like he was their own

14:56

child, all of his older sisters. So

14:58

she was one of the few that

15:00

was actually left in Newfoundland. So we

15:03

had to make a stop there so

15:05

he could see his sister Mildred. She

15:07

knew it would be the last time

15:09

she would see him, but he didn't

15:11

understand what was going on. He just

15:14

thought he was visiting his sister. Yeah,

15:16

that's kind of be kind of a

15:18

bittersweet visit. Yeah, I mean, that first

15:20

leg of the drive, he was okay

15:22

in the car. He wasn't too bad.

15:24

He had his cat in the back

15:27

seat in the carrier with him at

15:29

this point and... We just told him

15:31

we were going to see Mildred. So

15:33

he was okay with that stretch of

15:35

the drive. And that was a three-hour

15:38

trip. Yeah, it's about three hours. Not

15:40

too bad. We left early in the

15:42

mornings. So we were there at a

15:44

decent time. So you stayed overnight at

15:46

a local hotel there. And then the

15:49

next morning, you drove for a couple

15:51

of hours to get to the ferry.

15:53

So take us from there. Yeah. So

15:55

we left from Cornerbrook to Portabasque, and

15:57

I think we left eight or nine

16:00

in the morning, because you get to

16:02

the ferry. And it's a big ferry.

16:04

It's called Marine Atlantic. And it carries

16:06

a lot of cars, but it also

16:08

has like. three decks above where you

16:10

have cabins and or you can have

16:13

like a chair and it can open

16:15

room and it's got restaurants and all

16:17

this stuff, but just being COVID, nothing

16:19

was open really still yet and there

16:21

is a lot of restrictions in place.

16:24

We had to be there really early

16:26

and then you kind of get to

16:28

the parking lot and you wait in

16:30

line with all the other cars and

16:32

they tell you which lane to go

16:35

in based off the size of your

16:37

vehicle where you're going to park on

16:39

the boat. How many cars can that

16:41

ferry take? Oh my gosh, I would

16:43

easily say a couple hundred plus transport

16:45

trucks. They park a lot of the

16:48

transport trucks on the top deck of

16:50

the boat. They have a fleet of

16:52

a few different boats. So you kind

16:54

of drive into the bottom of the

16:56

ship when you get on. So it's

16:59

kind of, it's a cool experience for

17:01

sure. Yeah, it sounds, it sounds interesting.

17:03

So you were going to be on

17:05

this ferry for six hours for six

17:07

to six and a half, depending. What

17:10

do you do on a car ferry

17:12

for six hours? Well, luckily we got

17:14

a cabin. So we just got, even

17:16

though it was only six, six and

17:18

a half hours, we thought it would

17:21

be best to have a cabin because

17:23

it had two little single beds, it

17:25

had a TV, and we had our

17:27

own bathroom. So if my dad was

17:29

to get agitated or tired, at least

17:31

he could lay down and have a

17:34

nap, and we had our own bathroom,

17:36

which made it a little bit better,

17:38

and we could, you know, hopefully try

17:40

and keep him keep him kind of

17:42

chilled out, kind of chilled out on

17:45

this experience. Because my dad loved the

17:47

water and my dad was a fisherman.

17:49

He did a lot of fishing. Growing

17:51

up. When I was a kid, he

17:53

just loved fishing, but for the dementia,

17:56

it made I'm afraid of the water.

17:58

Oh, so he wouldn't want to be

18:00

out on deck looking at the water

18:02

then? Well, I tried. At one point,

18:04

I did try to get him out

18:07

on the deck, but he would stay

18:09

kind of close to the wall. But

18:11

yeah, he was kind of scared. It

18:13

wasn't the clearest day. It was a

18:15

little foggy and misty and misty rain,

18:17

so we didn't stay outside too long.

18:20

getting agitated at one point. So I

18:22

said to my mom, I'll take him.

18:24

I'll take him for a walk around

18:26

the boat. We'll just kind of kill

18:28

a little bit of time. Maybe it'll

18:31

take his mind off him and distract

18:33

him a little bit. So we were

18:35

on the seventh floor, which is where

18:37

our cabin was, and we have access

18:39

to floor 789. You cannot go down

18:42

deck to the cars once the boat

18:44

has left the dock. So we were

18:46

on the seventh floor. So I was

18:48

walking with my dad to the elevator

18:50

to the elevator. My dad was a

18:52

very friendly man, he would talk to

18:55

anybody and everybody, just loved to be

18:57

social, even though his words didn't make

18:59

any sense anymore, just would come out

19:01

as gibberish. I pushed the button to

19:03

the elevator and started talking to some

19:06

man behind me, and I didn't really

19:08

notice that he wasn't still kind of

19:10

with me, so I stepped on the

19:12

elevator. And when I turned around, the

19:14

doors closed, and my dad was still

19:17

left on the other side of the

19:19

elevator. Instant panic sighted in. Instantan. because

19:21

I was going up to the ninth

19:23

floor and my dad was left on

19:25

the seventh floor and he had no

19:28

idea what was going on where he

19:30

was and he didn't understand anything anymore

19:32

so I am completely freaking out panicking

19:34

like oh my god it lost my

19:36

dad on the boat it feels like

19:38

it's kind of the same feeling as

19:41

losing a small child exactly it's the

19:43

exact same feeling is losing a child

19:45

exact same feeling you know So what

19:47

do you do? I had to wait

19:49

till I got to the ninth floor

19:52

and luckily the stairs were just right

19:54

there too. So I got off the

19:56

elevator and quickly ran down the stairs

19:58

back down to the seventh. and of

20:00

course my dad was not there. I'm

20:03

running around panicked, looking for my dad.

20:05

I couldn't find him anywhere. So I

20:07

had to enlist a worker who I

20:09

found on the seventh floor to help

20:11

me find my dad. Luckily I had

20:13

a recent photo of him on my

20:16

phone. So I'm like, I lost my

20:18

dad. You know, he's 80 years old.

20:20

He has dementia. He doesn't understand anything

20:22

anymore. And I don't know where he

20:24

is now. And it took 15 to

20:27

20 minutes and luckily the worker found

20:29

him wandering around on the eighth floor

20:31

by the cabins. And it's just a

20:33

maze of hallways where all the cabins

20:35

are. So he must have either gotten

20:38

on another elevator or took the steps?

20:40

Yeah, apparently. To the eighth floor. Yeah,

20:42

okay. Yeah, but we found him on

20:44

the eighth floor wandering around. It was

20:46

like, I was like, big sigh of

20:49

relief when I found him. But now

20:51

I'm thinking, oh my God, do I

20:53

lost my momma lost my dad on

20:55

the boat. Do I not tell my

20:57

mom? I lost my dad on the

20:59

boat. Before we went back to the

21:02

room, we made a pit stop at

21:04

the canteen area so we could grab

21:06

some snacks and drinks and stuff. And

21:08

I did go back and I did

21:10

tell my mom I lost my dad

21:13

on the boat. She was a little

21:15

taken aback at first, but she kind

21:17

of laughed it off. But yeah, it

21:19

was scary. It was scary. Yeah, when

21:21

his behavior is so completely unpredictable. That's

21:24

the scary thing. You don't know what's

21:26

going to happen. Yeah, because at this

21:28

point in my dad's dementia, he'd had

21:30

it for probably, I would say, eight

21:32

years. He probably had the mentality of

21:35

a child at this point. You get

21:37

back to the cabin, was he okay

21:39

to the rest of that ferry ride?

21:41

No, he was up and down, he

21:43

would get bored. We tried to find

21:45

something on the TV for him, right,

21:48

and he would... Take him on more

21:50

walks to kind of distract him, but

21:52

I made sure I had to die

21:54

on him the whole time. The ferry

21:56

ride takes you to Sydney, Nova Scotia.

21:59

And there you had, of course, the

22:01

car, you get the car off the

22:03

boat, and you had a two-hour drive.

22:05

Is it still daytime? It is just

22:07

starting to get dark. It was like

22:10

dusk, I would say, when the boat

22:12

pulled in and we were just getting

22:14

off the boat. I'm not the best

22:16

night driver for a vision, but neither

22:18

is my mother. So I'm the better

22:20

option of the two of us. This

22:23

isn't a surprise, though. I mean, you

22:25

knew it was going to be getting...

22:27

Like you can take, there's different schedules

22:29

for the boat. This was the best

22:31

schedule for us. You had a two-hour

22:34

drive ahead of you to get to

22:36

the hotel for overnight. How did that

22:38

ride go? It was not terrible. Got

22:40

off the boat and we were driving

22:42

from Sydney, Nova Scotia to Port Hawksbury,

22:45

Nova Scotia. So that was kind of

22:47

a good distance for us because it

22:49

was kind of two hours into Nova

22:51

Scotia, which got us a little bit

22:53

closer to Quebec. where if we had

22:56

stayed in Sydney, Nova Scotia, I would

22:58

have been like a 12-hour drive the

23:00

next day. So that's kind of like

23:02

why we stayed in Port Hawksbury. Because

23:04

it was getting dark. And my dad

23:06

had this thing about lights, like moving

23:09

quickly. I think it freaked him out

23:11

and scared him a little bit. So

23:13

this was literally the first night we

23:15

had driven in the dark. I think

23:17

the movement is in the motion and

23:20

staying in different places. being in the

23:22

car so much is kind of what

23:24

set him off at this point. And

23:26

it's already been a long day. It

23:28

had already been a long day at

23:31

this point. Yeah, so we had done

23:33

pretty good with him up until this

23:35

point. But this is kind of where

23:37

it all went to shit in the

23:39

handbasket, you know, at this point with

23:41

my dad. Sometimes a podcast listener will

23:44

ask me this question. Hey Scott, are

23:46

there any other storytelling podcasts that are

23:48

sort of similar to what was that

23:50

like? And there's one that I always

23:52

tell people about, the podcast called The

23:55

Secret Room. The Secret Room is based

23:57

on this premise. What's the one thing

23:59

you've never told anyone? We all have

24:01

secrets. Come on, you know you do.

24:03

And we usually keep those stories locked

24:06

away, hidden from the world. But on

24:08

the secret room, each episode is someone

24:10

just like you, stepping right into that

24:12

spotlight to share some deep or intimate

24:14

story about themselves. One of those was

24:17

Jen. She had a secret love affair

24:19

with a man on death row. Another

24:21

was with a woman who found a

24:23

new unexpected family because of a DNA

24:25

kit. Or how about finding out your

24:27

father is a movie star because of

24:30

a deathbed confession by your mother? Well

24:32

the secret room always has stories like

24:34

these and there's a huge back catalog

24:36

to binge too. The show has been

24:38

featured in People magazine, Buzzfeed, and lots

24:41

of other media outlets. All I know

24:43

is if you like the storytelling you

24:45

here here on my show, you're going

24:47

to love the Secret Room. Just search

24:49

for The Secret Room podcast on your

24:52

favorite podcast player. He was not too

24:54

bad on the drive, but once we

24:56

got to the hotel, he was starting

24:58

to get really confused about what was

25:00

going on. I don't even remember if

25:02

we stopped for dinner that night. I

25:05

remember getting to the hotel and trying

25:07

to get to bed at a decent

25:09

time because we had to get up

25:11

very early the next morning for our

25:13

long leg. to Quebec. So we did

25:16

our magic putting mix for my dad

25:18

with his medication in it. And did

25:20

the medic, was the medication partially designed

25:22

to help him sleep? Yes. So he

25:24

was on, it was a sleep aid,

25:27

like a prescribed one, which is kind

25:29

of, it's a sleeping aid plus, it

25:31

helps with mental disorders and stuff, you

25:33

know, so I don't, there's no real

25:35

good medication for dementia. I think he

25:38

had behavioral issues. So I think this

25:40

kind of started kind of kept it

25:42

in check a little bit but he

25:44

wouldn't sleep otherwise so he had to

25:46

take the pill but the only way

25:48

was for us to crush it and

25:51

put it in as pudding. But we

25:53

had to like dilute it too, otherwise

25:55

if he felt the granules in there,

25:57

he would need it. So he was

25:59

smart to away. He was very picky.

26:02

You got to outsmart him. Yeah, we

26:04

tried a few different things, right, to

26:06

outsmart him. So was he able to,

26:08

did he sleep overnight that night? He

26:10

did. And for whatever reason, I don't

26:13

know why, but he peed in the

26:15

garbage can instead of the toilet. And

26:17

this is where his confusion really started

26:19

to show, and he would just not

26:21

settle. Like he was laying on the

26:24

bed, and he kept reaching for the

26:26

cat. I think, I don't know if

26:28

he was trying to pet the cat,

26:30

or what he was trying to do,

26:32

but his hands were just kind of

26:34

going at the side of the bed

26:37

almost all night long, like he would

26:39

not settle down. Which means you couldn't

26:41

sleep either. Which means, yeah, I couldn't

26:43

sleep because, you know, I'm taking, I'm

26:45

filling my dad, right, at the same

26:48

time of little things that he's doing

26:50

to show Dave when I got home

26:52

and also for doctors and stuff so

26:54

they could see what was going on.

26:56

We managed to get some sleep that

26:59

night, not very much, but we got

27:01

some, but we had to get up

27:03

at like 5.30 the next morning. to

27:05

head for a quarterback. And this was

27:07

a long, this was leg five, so

27:09

this was a 10.5 hour drive. Yeah,

27:12

this stretch was 1,093 kilometers, so 679

27:14

miles for you guys. And it's still

27:16

just you driving. Just me driving. So

27:18

you had a full day the day

27:20

before, not much sleep that night, and

27:23

now you've got over 10 hours. How

27:25

did he go along that way? It

27:27

was not good at this point. We

27:29

got up at 530, I think we

27:31

left by 6 a.m. Port Hawkesbury. We

27:34

were heading for Quebec City. That's where

27:36

we had booked our next hotel because

27:38

it was kind of like a middle

27:40

point, like a good stretch between there

27:42

and home. So. It's funny, sorry, in

27:45

Nova Scotia, we decided to take the

27:47

cat out of the cat carrier because

27:49

he was just meowing constantly and he

27:51

just wouldn't stop meowing. So my mom

27:53

for whatever reason decided she threw the

27:55

cat carrier behind the motel down a

27:58

big hill. I'm like, I don't understand

28:00

why you just wouldn't leave it there,

28:02

but she thought it was funny. So

28:04

she got tossing it down the hill,

28:06

so we didn't have the cat in

28:09

a cat carrier unit war at this

28:11

point either. So you no longer have

28:13

a cat carrier now? No, we have

28:15

the cat just not in a carrier

28:17

anymore. So he was roaming free around

28:20

the car. Well, that's what I mean.

28:22

She threw the carrier away. Yeah. Okay.

28:24

Because the cat was doing okay in

28:26

the car on like outside of the

28:28

carrier. So we thought, okay, well, maybe

28:30

it'll be better. He'll be quieter. Maybe

28:33

it'll keep my dad settled down because

28:35

he can pet him and such. We

28:37

had the cat roaming loose in the

28:39

car and my dad was in the

28:41

back seat on the passenger side. And

28:44

we had stopped for coffees along the

28:46

way and my dad wasn't even drinking

28:48

them, he just started dumping them in

28:50

his lap. Hot coffee in his lap.

28:52

Well, not hot, it wasn't hot at

28:55

this point, like, but he had cooled

28:57

down, but I don't know, he just

28:59

wasn't drinking, he would just dump it

29:01

in his lap. And then he would

29:03

try and steal mine, or he was

29:06

trying to steal moms, you know. But

29:08

yeah, he just kept dumping it in

29:10

his lap for whatever reason, I don't,

29:12

I can't. figured that part out. So

29:14

his pants were like soaking wet. This

29:16

just kind of went on all day

29:19

and he kept trying to open the

29:21

car door when we're on the highway.

29:23

It was so hard to explain watching,

29:25

you could literally see him losing his

29:27

mind in the back seat. The motion

29:30

and everything was just way too much

29:32

for him. He couldn't handle it. He

29:34

didn't recognize anything, And your mom was

29:36

in the front seat in the passenger

29:38

side. So he's back there kind of

29:41

by himself. How do you have any

29:43

kind of? control over that, especially you

29:45

with your, you, you're trying to drive.

29:47

Yeah, I'm obviously yelling at him because

29:49

I'm frustrated and the cat's wandering around

29:52

and the cat's climbing on my lap

29:54

and on the dashboard. It was complete

29:56

chaos. It was complete chaos. It was

29:58

complete chaos in the car. Driving from

30:00

Nova Scotia to Quebec, we also have

30:02

to pass through New Brunswick. So we

30:05

have to go through another province the

30:07

whole, like through the way. So what

30:09

does that mean as far as the

30:11

trip? we had to go from Nova

30:13

Scotia through New Brunswick to Quebec. And

30:16

this one big stretch of highway through

30:18

New Brunswick was down to one lane.

30:20

So you know when they do contra

30:22

flow and they make you switch to

30:24

the other side of the road. So

30:27

we were down to one lane on

30:29

the one side of the road and

30:31

the one side of the road and

30:33

the other side was where they were

30:35

redoing the road. But to the right

30:37

of us, it was all construction cones.

30:40

And my dad was making motions like

30:42

he had to go to go to

30:44

the bathroom. you know, communicate that at

30:46

this point. There was no first to

30:48

pull over. We're in the middle of

30:51

a construction zone, and so I had

30:53

to pull off between the columns. I

30:55

didn't have a choice at this point.

30:57

So the construction worker on the other

30:59

side of the road is yelling at

31:02

us. You can't park there. You have

31:04

to keep going. So you pulled off

31:06

into the construction area, rather than just

31:08

stop in that one lane and block

31:10

everyone else? Yeah, I couldn't stay on

31:13

the road, right? We had to pull

31:15

off. We didn't have a choice. So,

31:17

and the construction worker is yelling at

31:19

us, and my mom is making the

31:21

motion like my dad's throwing up or

31:23

something, just trying to hopefully get this

31:26

construction worker off her back. So she's

31:28

like, eh, right? And making these motions

31:30

like my dad's throwing up, and actually

31:32

he's got a pee. She gets him

31:34

out of the car in the back

31:37

seat and she's filling with the zipper,

31:39

get him to go pee, and he

31:41

is completely taking it the wrong way,

31:43

thinking she's getting Randy with him. So

31:45

he's being silly. On the side of

31:48

the road in a constrict. area right

31:50

okay he's ready to go anytime ready

31:52

to go anytime yeah so which is

31:54

amazing at 80 you think wow they

31:56

still think that way even with dementia

31:58

it's crazy and the car doors are

32:01

open on like I really don't want

32:03

to see this because I could see

32:05

everything my mom just made this comment

32:07

I'm not trying to play with your

32:09

bird I just started laughing because it

32:12

was the most ridiculous comment did you

32:14

just call it a bird like a

32:16

really so anyway I had not heard

32:18

that before. That's interesting. Me either, me

32:20

either, but she ended it. It took

32:23

a while, but she finally got him

32:25

to go pee on the side of

32:27

the road. And the construction worker still

32:29

yelling at us at this point to

32:31

get out. Well, at least that was

32:34

a little bit of success, though. He

32:36

was able to pee and you could

32:38

proceed. Yep, yep, yep. We drove through

32:40

there. You could tell he was losing

32:42

his mind at this point. Like he

32:44

was just doing weird things. He was

32:47

very fidgeting. and take a seat belt

32:49

off. And I'm driving at like 100

32:51

kilometers an hour at this point. So,

32:53

you know, it was scary and I'm

32:55

yelling at him to keep closing the

32:58

door. He's just not understanding or getting

33:00

anything. He's completely confused as to what's

33:02

going on. But we finally got to

33:04

Quebec. It was about 536-6-3-ish at night.

33:06

We got to Quebec City. And my

33:09

dad was completely out of it at

33:11

this point. He was... almost uncontrollable. We

33:13

got our stuff into the room and

33:15

we were all hungry at this point

33:17

so I remember we went to a

33:20

restaurant and of course French speaking were

33:22

in Quebec so we're trying to order

33:24

off the menu and my dad is

33:26

just being silly so we ordered him

33:28

a Coke and he had this Coke

33:30

on the table and he just kept

33:33

playing with it and playing with it

33:35

and I'm like dad stop playing with

33:37

it you're gonna knock it over and

33:39

he got mad at me because It's

33:41

almost like you were schooling a child.

33:44

That's how he would react, like he

33:46

was getting in trouble all the time.

33:48

Well, of course he knocks his drink

33:50

over all over the table. People that

33:52

the next table are looking at us

33:55

and my dad's basically having a temper

33:57

tantrum at the table We managed to

33:59

get some food down But my dad

34:01

had started this thing the summer when

34:03

we were there. I don't know if

34:05

he thought it was gravy or what

34:08

but he would pour in his drink

34:10

on his plate on his food and

34:12

he was trying to eat his dinner

34:14

with a straw instead of his fork

34:16

and people were staring at us and

34:19

and people don't understand what's going on

34:21

We left the restaurant, my dad was

34:23

mad, like he was mad, he was

34:25

yelling and carrying on and making a

34:27

scene and everything, so we're like, let's

34:30

just go back to the room and

34:32

hopefully he'll settle down. We got back

34:34

to the room, we gave my dad

34:36

his meds and his pudding. My mom,

34:38

thinking we were settling down for the

34:41

night, decided she was going to take

34:43

her sleeping pill too. And my mom

34:45

was laying in the bed and... She

34:47

was almost asleep, but my dad just

34:49

would not settle. He would not settle.

34:51

He was up and he was down,

34:54

he was up and he was down

34:56

and he went into the bathroom and

34:58

he tried fleshing an entire roll with

35:00

toilet paper down the toilet, clogged it,

35:02

it was overflowing everywhere. So I had

35:05

to call the front desk and they

35:07

had to come and fix it for

35:09

us and I'm just like, I'm so

35:11

sorry, I'm trying to explain to them

35:13

like about my dad, you know, and

35:16

he was just kind of understand. I

35:18

tried to get him to settle down

35:20

and he wouldn't settle down in bed

35:22

and he just kept jumping up and

35:24

wandering around and then he would lay

35:26

down and he would jump up and

35:29

he would wander around and it was

35:31

930 at this point. It's almost like

35:33

they fight the medication. It's hard to

35:35

explain but he would fight it in

35:37

the end like he just would not

35:40

give into the medication because if any

35:42

normal person took this trasidone I didn't

35:44

view would be out cold and my

35:46

dad just would not. going to sleep,

35:48

would not go to sleep. And he

35:51

was just, couldn't control him. So I

35:53

just suggested to my mom, like, look,

35:55

at this point, let's just... Pack it

35:57

up, I'll drive through the night and

35:59

we'll just get home. I just wanted

36:02

to get home. I was so tired,

36:04

I was so worn out, I was

36:06

so exhausted, I was really upset about

36:08

my dad, it was just, it was

36:10

a lot. It sounds, yeah, like just

36:12

sensory overload. It was, yeah. Just overwhelming,

36:15

the exhaustion and frustration and, and you

36:17

still got. an eight and a half

36:19

hour drive to get to your house

36:21

without even sleeping that night. You're just

36:23

going to drive through the night. Yeah,

36:26

I'd been up since 5.30, yeah, that

36:28

morning. I'm like, let's just drive through

36:30

the night. I just want to go

36:32

home. Are you some kind of superwoman

36:34

or something? Because I mean, anyone else

36:37

would be just passed out exhausted. I

36:39

don't even like driving at night and

36:41

I have never been up that long,

36:43

let alone behind the wheel of a

36:45

wheel of a car. I'm like, the

36:48

neighbors, like people in the next room

36:50

are going to hear us, like he

36:52

just was yelling and just carrying on,

36:54

right? I'm like, we can't stay here,

36:56

like, we just got to go. Yeah,

36:58

regardless of how tired you are, you

37:01

really had no other choice. No, no.

37:03

You couldn't do anything other than just,

37:05

let's just see if we can just

37:07

get home. We had to get to

37:09

where we were going. That's the best

37:12

we could do. So we packed everything

37:14

up again and got into the next.

37:23

So we had to drive from Quebec

37:26

City, we had to drive through Montreal

37:28

in the middle of the night. My

37:30

dad, I thought for sure, I'm like,

37:33

well, maybe he'll settle down in the

37:35

back seat, maybe he'll fall asleep back

37:37

there. Yeah, he must be exhausted too.

37:40

You'd think, no, not at all. He

37:42

was the opposite, he was wired, the

37:44

whole night. My mom... obviously had taken

37:46

her sleeping pill so she fell asleep

37:49

from the passenger seat so she was

37:51

of no use to me and my

37:53

dad is in the back seat literally

37:56

losing his mind. He was just kept,

37:58

like I said, he was opening the

38:00

car doors in the middle of the

38:03

night and undoing a seat belt and

38:05

pouring drinks all over himself and he

38:07

was rooting through my purse that I

38:10

had kind of stuff beside me. He

38:12

was rooting through my purse, taking everything

38:14

out. He had a shaving bag. I

38:17

guess he'd found in their stuff in

38:19

the back seat somewhere like a turquoisey

38:21

color shaving bag. And I had like

38:23

toilet trees and stuff in it and

38:26

he had taken everything out of it

38:28

and he put it on his foot

38:30

thinking it was a shoe. So he

38:33

had this blue shaving bag on his

38:35

foot like it was a shoe and

38:37

he had a towel over his head.

38:40

I got pictures of these you know

38:42

because I thought nobody would ever believe

38:44

me. I got to get some of

38:47

these pictures thinking hopefully people will believe

38:49

me and stuff so I do have

38:51

a picture of him with a little

38:54

towel. on his head and he's you

38:56

could see he's fiddling with the shaving

38:58

bag that he had on his foot.

39:00

This just went on all night long.

39:03

Mom's out cold in the passenger seat

39:05

and I'm yelling at my dad to

39:07

close the door to stop opening the

39:10

door. You're gonna like let the cat

39:12

out and right yeah the cat could

39:14

jump out the door or out the

39:17

window. Yeah and he's poking me in

39:19

the back of the head and everything

39:21

while I'm driving like just not he's

39:24

out of it. You know he's just

39:26

out of it. frustrating just trying to

39:28

get home, but it's got to be

39:31

so sad for you to see your

39:33

dad like this. Yeah, it was, it

39:35

was hard. I literally watched my dad

39:37

have a mental breakdown from Newfoundland to

39:40

Ontario in the back seat of the

39:42

car. It's one of the most traumatizing

39:44

things I've experienced. I haven't talked about

39:47

it a lot in the last three

39:49

years. Very sad seeing somebody you love

39:51

so much disappear in front of your

39:54

face. does. Yeah I wouldn't wish it

39:56

on anybody. It's horrible. So we were

39:58

driving and we got this carried on

40:01

all night like I said and we

40:03

kind of got to Ontario a dawn-ish

40:05

and I don't know if you've ever

40:08

been to Toronto or whatever but Toronto

40:10

has the highway 401 and it's one

40:12

of the biggest in North America or

40:14

Canada maybe, but it's one of the

40:17

busiest, it's one of the busiest, it

40:19

goes all the way across Canada. You

40:21

can take it from one side to

40:24

the other. and it's also known as

40:26

the train scan out a highway. But

40:28

when you're going through Toronto, you're kind

40:31

of going through the gauntlet of the

40:33

busy area, so there's nowhere to pull

40:35

over at all, because you got collectors

40:38

lanes, you got the express lanes, and

40:40

of course I was in the express

40:42

lane, so all you have is concrete

40:45

barriers on either side of you. And

40:47

even at 6 o'clock in the morning,

40:49

it's busy. My mom had kind of

40:51

waking up at this point, and my

40:54

dad was saying he had to go

40:56

to go to the bathroom to the

40:58

bathroom, but there was nowhere. for me

41:01

to pull over. Like there was nowhere

41:03

I could not pull over at all.

41:05

So he ended up peeing in his

41:08

pants. He was already, his pants were

41:10

already soaked to this point with drinks

41:12

and coffee and pop and you know,

41:15

and then he peed in his pants.

41:17

So my mom is kind of leaning

41:19

over the seat in between the two

41:22

seats trying to get my dad's pants

41:24

off him while I'm driving on the

41:26

highway in Toronto. So she managed to

41:28

get his pants off and we had

41:31

a blanket that care. So she tried

41:33

to wrap the blanket around his waist

41:35

to kind of cover him up because

41:38

he had no wonder where he was

41:40

either. So here's my dad sitting in

41:42

the back seat with his blanket wrapped

41:45

around him, a towel on his head,

41:47

and a shaving bag on his foot

41:49

like a shoe. This is where I

41:52

made the decision that I had to

41:54

take my dad to the hospital. There

41:56

was no way he could come home

41:59

in this condition because he was just

42:01

completely out of his mind. How close

42:03

were you at this point to being

42:05

home? Toronto to Georgetown is about a

42:08

40 minute... arrived, depending on traffic. That

42:10

time of the morning, it wasn't too

42:12

bad. So I think we made it

42:15

to Georgetown Hospital in like 40, 45

42:17

minutes. I pulled up at the emergency

42:19

in Georgetown, and my mom got my

42:22

dad out of the back seat of

42:24

the car, and he had this brown

42:26

blanket wrapped around his waist, this shaving

42:29

bag on his foot like a shoe,

42:31

and I got a picture of my

42:33

mom walking my dad into the hospital

42:36

and he had no idea what was

42:38

going on at all. I kind of

42:40

just had a moment of pause for

42:42

a minute because I was so tired

42:45

and so exhausted of everything that I

42:47

had experienced in the car I had

42:49

to call Dave and tell him what

42:52

was happening and I was just bawling

42:54

on the phone, just bawing I was

42:56

so tired and I was so upset.

42:59

Luckily, I only had a 15-minute drive.

43:01

So it was only 15-minute drive from

43:03

the hospital to my house in Acton.

43:06

And I got home and I pulled

43:08

up on front of my house on

43:10

the street and I just kind of

43:13

sat there. Dave, sorry, it's very emotional.

43:15

Dave came out and greeted me and

43:17

I was just so, oh my God,

43:19

I was so upset. I just literally

43:22

crumpled in his art. It was... So

43:26

hard and upsetting and I was so

43:28

sad. I was just so tired. I

43:30

was so tired. That's just not something

43:33

you think you're ever going to experience

43:35

is watching that happen to somebody right

43:37

in front of your face. And I

43:39

mean, the whole point was I just

43:42

wanted to get to where we were

43:44

going. Dad didn't really make it to

43:46

my house. At least he's going to,

43:48

he's at the hospital, he's going to

43:51

get taken care of. That's what you're,

43:53

that's what you're, that was the point.

43:55

Yeah, I could not bring him to

43:57

my house in his state. There was

44:00

no way he was, you just could

44:02

not control him at all. He was

44:04

just completely out of it. And so

44:06

they sedated him at the hospital, and

44:09

emergency being emergency. We're like, well, we

44:11

can't keep him. There's nothing we can

44:13

do for him. And so they called

44:15

us and we had to go pick

44:18

him up. And he was heavily sedated.

44:20

So here we are. We had to

44:22

go pick him up and Dave was

44:25

with me this time. And we had

44:27

to get him into the car. And

44:29

it was complete dead weight. and he's

44:31

still not sleeping. He's still awake. He

44:34

just refused to sleep. I would not

44:36

sleep. He's crazy. So Dave, my husband

44:38

is a big guy. So Dave managed

44:40

to get him into the car and

44:43

he was in the back seat. We

44:45

drove to Acton and we had to

44:47

stop at the drugstore from a mom

44:49

to run in and pick up medications

44:52

for herself and for my dad. So

44:54

I was in the passenger seat and

44:56

Dave was in the driver's seat. and

44:58

my mom had been sitting in the

45:01

back seat with my dad. So my

45:03

dad was still on the back seat

45:05

when my mom ran in the store.

45:07

I don't know what my dad was

45:10

thinking for whatever reason he just did

45:12

this big hork and spit on me

45:14

and Dave from the back seat. This

45:16

spit all over us. And we were

45:19

like really taken aback and that is

45:21

not something my dad would do ever

45:23

in his right mind. He would have

45:25

been mortified, absolutely mortified if he had

45:28

done this. It was like all over

45:30

us and we're covered in my dad's

45:32

spit. We managed to get him home

45:34

to my house and our house, you

45:37

have to climb like 10 steps to

45:39

get up to our front door. So

45:41

Dave was trying to get my dad

45:43

up. We managed to get my dad

45:46

into the spare room, which was on

45:48

the main level. My dad had been

45:50

there for a couple minutes and then

45:52

we're like, well, maybe he should go

45:55

to the bathroom. So Dave and my

45:57

mom tried to get my dad on

45:59

the toilet to go pee. He was

46:01

squatting over and he was tensing every

46:04

muscle in his body he just would

46:06

not give in. He was refusing 100%.

46:08

And again, he thought my mom was

46:10

trying. to play with him, right? Like

46:13

this is where his mind kept going.

46:15

And- Well, he is a man, so

46:17

I mean- Yeah, like, I know. So

46:19

she kind of kept batting his hand

46:22

away because he kept trying to put

46:24

her hand down there. Dave was like,

46:26

oh my God, right? He didn't know

46:28

what to do at this point. So

46:31

we just brought him back into the

46:33

room and we laid him down on

46:35

the bed hoping we just kind of

46:37

lay down and chill out and have

46:40

a sleep. And a few minutes later

46:42

we heard a bang from inside that

46:44

room and he had tried to stand

46:46

up on his own and had fallen

46:49

down because he was so heavily sedated.

46:51

But he had fallen down right in

46:53

front of the bedroom door, so we

46:55

couldn't even get the bedroom door open.

46:58

So he had it blocked by his

47:00

own weight from the inside. Yeah, yeah,

47:02

he was just laying down out of

47:04

it on the floor, could not stand

47:07

up. We're like, well, we can't keep

47:09

him here. Like, this is insane. Like,

47:11

why would they send him home in

47:13

this state? There was nothing we could

47:16

do with him. So we're like, we

47:18

have to call 911 and they have

47:20

to come get him. So I asked

47:23

my husband this question the other day,

47:25

Dave, and I said, who called 911

47:27

that day for my dad? Because I

47:29

could not remember if it was you.

47:32

But I do not remember making that

47:34

phone call. But apparently it was me.

47:36

And that's just something I blocked out.

47:38

I can't remember it. After all you

47:41

had been through for this whole past

47:43

few days and lack of sleep and

47:45

everything, it's not surprising you would not

47:47

remember a phone call. No, because I

47:50

still hadn't slept at this point. I

47:52

was still awake. Yeah, Dave says, you

47:54

called, but I don't remember calling. So

47:56

they show up. They show up. We

47:59

managed to get the door open. and

48:01

the EMS helped us get my dad

48:03

on the bed, but he was just

48:05

kind of out of control resisting and

48:08

stuff. they had to put my dad

48:10

in a wheelchair and they had to

48:12

put a restraining jacket on him to

48:14

get him out and to take him

48:17

to the hospital because we were afraid

48:19

he was going to hit somebody. That's

48:21

how out of control he was and

48:23

my dad was not a violent man

48:26

in any way shape or form. My

48:28

dad was a very gentle loving man.

48:30

You know at this point you really

48:32

have to think this person he's your

48:35

dad but he's not really your dad

48:37

anymore. No. So they ended up taking

48:39

him back to the hospital and we

48:41

refused to bring him home because we're

48:44

like, we can't, we cannot take care

48:46

of him. There's no way we can

48:48

take care of him. So the doctor

48:50

is basically saying, the doctor was mad

48:53

at us because we wanted to keep

48:55

him there. The doctor was literally getting

48:57

mad at us. And we're like, well,

48:59

how are we supposed to take care?

49:02

We can't take care of him. He

49:04

needs care. He needs care. At this

49:06

point, I think they just thought of

49:08

it more of as a burden and

49:11

that he didn't really need to be

49:13

there. But after I explain the story

49:15

to them of the drive and where

49:17

he come from and what had happened

49:20

to him, you know, they kind of

49:22

relented and kept him at this point.

49:24

So they kept him in the hospital

49:26

care for a few weeks and tried

49:29

different meds to try and get him

49:31

stabilized. He was kind of out of

49:33

it for about a week or so.

49:35

He slept most of the time. So

49:38

they kept him there for three weeks

49:40

and then they moved him over to

49:42

the CTC side which is called continuing

49:44

transitional care. So I call it purgatory

49:47

because you're kind of in limbo, you're

49:49

not really in the hospital, which are

49:51

not anywhere else either. So it's more

49:53

of a long-term kind of thing? No,

49:56

it's a temporary until they could find

49:58

him a long-term home. Oh, okay. So

50:00

yeah, it's in limbo land for about

50:02

eight months. They kept them there because

50:05

they just had... no long-term care available.

50:07

Because we want to. of something that

50:09

was kind of close to us. Finally,

50:11

something opened up in Guelph after eight

50:14

months. So in May of 2022, he

50:16

moved into St. Joseph's long-term care facility

50:18

in Guelph. He had to go into

50:21

the behavioral unit because of his outburst

50:23

and he got hands-y and stuff like

50:25

that. It's just like a hospital floor

50:27

with nothing out. He was there for

50:30

a year, and it's funny because... He

50:32

always knew who I was, and he

50:34

always knew who my mom was, but

50:36

he didn't know anybody else. He didn't

50:39

know my husband, he didn't know my

50:41

daughters, he didn't know his other grandchildren,

50:43

my niece and nephew, he didn't know

50:45

who anybody was, didn't recognize anybody except

50:48

me and my mom. You would always

50:50

smile when I would come in and

50:52

see him, but it was hard to

50:54

go see him. me or my mom,

50:57

but he would walk around a lot

50:59

and they had a tendency to kind

51:01

of walk into everybody else's room. They

51:03

all thought everybody's room was there. Well

51:06

they all kind of looked the same

51:08

sort of, right? They do, but yeah,

51:10

they would all just walk into each

51:12

other's rooms and take everybody else's stuff.

51:15

So my dad had this little orange

51:17

and white cat that looked just like

51:19

his cat. And he thought it was

51:21

his cat, but it wasn't a real

51:24

cat, obviously, but... That was a stuffed

51:26

animal, okay. Yeah, but it was kind

51:28

of like, it looked like it was

51:30

sleeping, laying down, and it was kind

51:33

of hard to the touch, but it

51:35

had sufferer, but my dad thought it

51:37

was his cat. But yeah, he kept

51:39

him happy. So that kind of kept

51:42

him happy. But yeah, he would wander

51:44

around and he would get mad. So

51:46

then I'd say, okay, okay, well, if

51:48

you're like this, I'm going. having

51:51

to see my dad and there

51:53

was one time he got really

51:55

mad when I left and their

51:57

doors were locked he couldn't get

51:59

out of the ward so you

52:01

had to use a code to

52:03

get out and he was mad

52:05

that I was leaving and he

52:07

actually put his hands on me

52:09

and was grabbing me and was

52:11

screaming in my face saying I'm

52:14

going to kill you, I'll kill

52:16

you and that's not my dad

52:18

at all. And my husband Dave

52:20

had to get in between us

52:22

both to kind of protect me

52:24

so I could edge out the

52:26

door and as we got on

52:28

the other side of the door

52:30

he was banging on the window

52:32

still screaming at us. It was

52:34

just heartbreaking every time I had

52:36

to go see him. It was

52:38

so hard, it was so hard,

52:40

you know. And he was there

52:42

for exactly a year and he

52:44

passed away May 11th of 2023.

52:46

He just stopped eating and stopped

52:48

drinking. His body just said no

52:51

more. His body, he just, his

52:53

mind, just forgot how to do

52:55

things. He didn't even do the

52:57

basics anymore. It was a blessing,

52:59

you know? I wouldn't want anybody

53:01

to live like that and I

53:03

know he wouldn't have wanted to

53:05

live like that, so. Right, but

53:07

it's kind of an interesting situation.

53:09

turn that off. He's just misbehaving

53:11

a lot. Not really knowing what's

53:13

going on. You mentioned that you

53:15

feel guilty for having them make

53:17

that traumatic trip with you. Where

53:19

does that guilt come from? You

53:21

were trying, you were doing your

53:23

best, what you thought was the

53:26

best for them. I was and

53:28

I thought it would be best

53:30

for them to come here, but

53:32

I also think on the other

53:34

hand, maybe if I didn't make

53:36

that long trip with my dad,

53:38

he... may not have gotten the

53:40

way he was to that level.

53:42

I mean, obviously it was inevitable.

53:44

He had dementia. You can only

53:46

live with that for so long

53:48

before your brain starts to shut

53:50

down, but I sometimes feel guilty

53:52

that I pushed him into it

53:54

by bringing him here. Was I

53:56

being selfish and bringing him here?

53:58

Because I wanted to see my

54:00

dad before he got really bad.

54:03

My kids wanted to see him.

54:05

On the other hand, I think

54:07

maybe he would have been better

54:09

off in Duce and Land. I

54:11

don't know. It's one of those

54:13

I wish scenarios. But you can

54:15

only make a decision based on

54:17

the information you have at the

54:19

time. And you were thinking that

54:21

that was the best thing. How's

54:23

your mom doing now? My mom

54:25

still lives in the apartment in

54:27

our basement. We've had a lot

54:29

of things happen. It's not easy

54:31

being an adult, living with a

54:33

parent. We've had a lot of

54:35

issues and... We currently do not

54:38

have a relationship even though she

54:40

lives in my house. It's been

54:42

tough. I've actually had therapy over

54:44

it. I... It's been tough. I

54:46

lost my dad and my mom

54:48

all in the same year, essentially,

54:50

both different ways. You know, I

54:52

wasn't... It's along with dealing with

54:54

my dad. I was dealing with

54:56

his other sister, my aunt and

54:58

uncle. They lived up north. They'd

55:00

never had kids, so... They were

55:02

failing in health, so I was

55:04

also taking care of them at

55:06

the same time as my dad

55:08

was in the hospital and trying

55:10

to go see him. So that

55:12

year was a bad year. I

55:15

ended up losing all three of

55:17

them in six months. As far

55:19

as my mom, I don't know

55:21

what the future holds. I don't

55:23

completely close that door, but there's

55:25

also been a lot of things

55:27

that I don't know they're fixable.

55:29

It's a tough call. It sounds

55:31

like that could be a whole

55:33

other conversation. It is. It's a

55:35

whole other story. It's crazy. But

55:37

yeah, it's... What's your advice for

55:39

anyone dealing with a loved one

55:41

who has dementia? First off, don't

55:43

argue with them because it's like

55:45

you're fighting with a five-year-old. Literally,

55:47

it's like you're arguing with somebody

55:50

who doesn't understand. So, as frustrating

55:52

as it can be. And yes,

55:54

you can lose your patience. It's

55:56

very easy to get frustrated. in

55:58

that situation. Just take it one

56:00

day at a time and... enjoy

56:02

what time you do have with

56:04

them because you literally watch them

56:06

vanish before your eyes and there's

56:08

nothing you can do. What's your

56:10

favorite memory with your dad? I

56:12

don't have just one. I love

56:14

my dad so much and I

56:16

miss him a lot. I just

56:18

remember him taking me fishing as

56:20

a kid and cuddling with him

56:22

in his chair and my last

56:24

best memory of my dad is...

56:27

six months before he passed away

56:29

in the nursing home, me and

56:31

my husband were visiting him. And

56:33

we were about to leave and

56:35

I'm like, oh I forgot my

56:37

purse in your room, oh I

56:39

have to go get my purse.

56:41

So Dave stayed with my dad

56:43

and I started to walk away

56:45

from my dad and he yelled

56:47

at my name. He's like, oh

56:49

my God. My dad just said

56:51

my name and my name, right?

56:53

And... It was just one of

56:55

those heartfelt moments that it's just

56:57

one of those lasting things with

56:59

me and you know, and I

57:01

know he, it was probably just

57:04

a memory, like almost like muscle

57:06

memory, it just clicked into his

57:08

mind because I was walking away

57:10

from him, but it's just that

57:12

special moment in a time where

57:14

there weren't any more. A little

57:16

glimpse of him as he was

57:18

before maybe. Yeah. Yeah, he was

57:20

a good man. Just cherish, which

57:22

you have. And just try to

57:24

remember them for who they were

57:26

and not for who they are

57:28

at the point of what you're

57:30

going through it. Because you do

57:32

tend to get lost in their

57:34

illness as well. It's not just

57:36

hurt on them, it's hurt on

57:39

everybody. And as a child, watching

57:41

your parent disappear year by year

57:43

is a hard thing, but just

57:45

gotta keep them alive, remember who

57:47

they were. Kerry

57:50

told me that she's taken advantage

57:52

of having therapy over the past

57:54

few years to help her process

57:56

what happened on that trip and

57:58

afterward. You can see pictures of

58:01

Kerry and her parents in the

58:03

episode notes at what was that

58:05

like.com/204. And she's also in the

58:07

Facebook group. So if there's something

58:09

you want to ask her that

58:11

I didn't think of, or if

58:13

you just want to comment on

58:15

the story you just heard, you

58:17

can do that there. Just look

58:19

for the post with this episode

58:21

title. Kerry's dad had a dementia

58:23

breakdown in the podcast Facebook group

58:26

at what was that like.com/Facebook. And

58:28

if you're in that group, you

58:30

know the current question that we

58:32

posted that everyone is answering now

58:34

is this, what did your boss

58:36

do that made him or her

58:38

the worst boss ever? So if

58:40

you have a terrible boss story,

58:42

come on over the group and

58:44

tell us about it. Also going

58:46

to play this voicemail that came

58:48

in, and this one is kind

58:51

of interesting. You know, most of

58:53

the time voicemails are like, yeah,

58:55

I just listened to this episode,

58:57

and I wanted to say, you

58:59

know, a comment or something. This

59:01

person listens to the show but

59:03

just wanted to remind everyone to

59:05

be aware of child predators. Hi

59:07

Scott, my name is Lexi. Just

59:09

recently I found out that my

59:11

high school history teacher was arrested

59:13

for having 14 counts of child

59:15

pornography and I was just calling

59:18

in because when I was in

59:20

high school I was in his

59:22

class and he was The coolest

59:24

teacher. He was very chill, very

59:26

nice. He didn't come off in

59:28

that way at all. He was

59:30

also targeting boys, so I didn't

59:32

really get that side of him.

59:34

But he was just a really

59:36

good teacher. So it was just

59:38

extremely shocking to find out that

59:40

he was doing those things and

59:43

all of that. By the way,

59:45

his name is Drake Sherman. I

59:47

am totally fine with putting him

59:49

on blast because I think that

59:51

child predators do not deserve any

59:53

sort of protection But yeah, just

59:55

to everyone out there, be aware,

59:57

stay alert of your surroundings and

59:59

the people that teach your children.

1:00:01

Just be aware. It's crazy. But

1:00:03

have a good one. I love

1:00:05

the podcast. So yeah, you can

1:00:08

call in and say something about

1:00:10

the podcast or anything else you

1:00:12

think might be useful or entertaining.

1:00:14

The podcast voicemail line is open

1:00:16

24 7 and it's never answered

1:00:18

by a human. So you can

1:00:20

call any time you want. That

1:00:22

number is 727-386-948. And I also

1:00:24

want to give a big shout-out

1:00:26

to a specific listener, Janet. She

1:00:28

actually listens to the podcast on

1:00:30

the website, which is not something

1:00:32

that's very common, but because that's

1:00:35

where she listens to the show,

1:00:37

she was able to discover some

1:00:39

problems with the website audio files,

1:00:41

and she let me know about

1:00:43

it so that I could get

1:00:45

it resolved. So thanks very much

1:00:47

Janet. I appreciate it. Graphics for

1:00:49

this episode were created by Bob

1:00:51

Bretz. Full episode transcription was created

1:00:53

by James Lie. And now we're

1:00:55

about to hear this week's listener

1:00:57

story. This is what comes at

1:01:00

the end of every episode. An

1:01:02

audio story around five to ten

1:01:04

minutes long sent in by a

1:01:06

listener just like you. We'd love

1:01:08

to hear a story from you.

1:01:10

Just record it on your phone

1:01:12

and email it to me. Scott

1:01:14

at what was that like.com. This

1:01:16

week's story is about a scary

1:01:18

situation with a tornado. Stay safe

1:01:20

and I'll see you next time.

1:01:22

December 9th, 2023 started out like

1:01:24

any normal Saturday for my family.

1:01:27

We all had various plans, but

1:01:29

the weather was mild and it

1:01:31

was overall just a nice morning.

1:01:33

It was getting close to Christmas

1:01:35

so I had ordered some Christmas

1:01:37

cards from Walgreens. My husband had

1:01:39

work at the post office. and

1:01:41

my oldest was headed to Greenville,

1:01:43

Kentucky with his girlfriend for a

1:01:45

go-kart race. My plan for the

1:01:47

day was to pick up the

1:01:49

Christmas cards, go to a Red

1:01:52

Cross blood drive, and then drop

1:01:54

my youngest off at a sleepover.

1:01:56

He begged me to let him

1:01:58

stay home while I ran my

1:02:00

errands and then take him, but

1:02:02

I just didn't want to leave

1:02:04

him home all alone. We left

1:02:06

the house around 11am and headed

1:02:08

to Walgreens. We chatted a little

1:02:10

bit on the way while listening

1:02:12

to the radio. As we pulled

1:02:14

into the parking lot to pick

1:02:17

up the Christmas cards, a weather

1:02:19

update came over the radio. They

1:02:21

said that the forecast called for

1:02:23

some storms in the afternoon. They

1:02:25

said there was a chance for

1:02:27

heavy rain, some wind, and that

1:02:29

they couldn't roll out an isolated

1:02:31

tornado. My son asked, Mom, what's

1:02:33

an isolated tornado? I told him

1:02:35

there was really nothing to worry

1:02:37

about. Just a random small tornado

1:02:39

that could come up in a

1:02:41

field or something, but they didn't

1:02:44

last long and wouldn't really cause

1:02:46

any damage. Boy was I wrong.

1:02:48

We picked up the cards and

1:02:50

talked about how good they turned

1:02:52

out as we drove to Charlotte,

1:02:54

Tennessee for the blood drive. Anytime

1:02:56

we go to Charlotte, which is

1:02:58

about a 45-minute drive with light

1:03:00

traffic, we make sure to stop

1:03:02

at Sweet Charlotte, a cute little

1:03:04

soda shop for lunch. So after

1:03:06

I donated my Pine of Blood,

1:03:09

we headed there. As we were

1:03:11

finishing our lunch, I got an

1:03:13

alert that a tornado was spotted

1:03:15

in an Indian mound, heading in

1:03:17

the direction of Clarksville, where we

1:03:19

live. My husband is a mail

1:03:21

carrier and I knew he'd likely

1:03:23

be delivering mail and packages, so

1:03:25

I called him to give the

1:03:27

heads up to be careful and

1:03:29

to find somewhere safe to take

1:03:31

cover if needed. I was shocked

1:03:33

when he answered the phone and

1:03:36

he told me that the tornado

1:03:38

was there and they were running

1:03:40

for the storm shelter inside the

1:03:42

post office. I thought surely it

1:03:44

wasn't actually hitting the post office.

1:03:46

He said he had to go

1:03:48

and then he'd call me back.

1:03:50

Try not to panic and scare

1:03:52

my son. I offered a stop

1:03:54

at the little country market down

1:03:56

the street from where we were.

1:03:58

It wasn't even raining where we

1:04:01

were, so I thought I'd best

1:04:03

to hang tight for a few

1:04:05

minutes and make sure the weather cleared.

1:04:07

Then I got a text from my

1:04:09

oldest, the one who had gone to

1:04:11

the go-kart race in Greenville. Greenville

1:04:13

is about an hour from home

1:04:15

in the opposite direction, so

1:04:17

almost two hours from where I was

1:04:19

at the time. His text said, Mom,

1:04:22

they're saying there are funnel clouds

1:04:24

over the arena, and we are hiding under

1:04:26

the bleachers. At this point, panic

1:04:29

set in. I called my oldest and

1:04:31

he said they were okay for the

1:04:33

moment just hiding under the bleachers and

1:04:35

he'd keep me updated. So then

1:04:37

I called my husband to check on him.

1:04:40

It kept going to voicemail. My

1:04:42

youngest got scared and thought we'd get

1:04:44

hit by the tornado so I kept

1:04:46

trying to keep him calm and stay calm

1:04:49

myself. I called my sister and she

1:04:51

tried to help me to call my

1:04:53

husband. Neither of us could get through.

1:04:55

Finally, about twenty minutes later

1:04:58

I got a text from my

1:05:00

oldest that they were giving all clear

1:05:02

where he was, and that he was

1:05:04

okay. That was a huge relief. Still

1:05:06

about thirty minutes from home,

1:05:08

I kept trying to call my

1:05:11

husband. Still nothing. I kept calling,

1:05:13

kept going a voicemail. I called

1:05:15

my sister in tears, begging her to

1:05:17

tell me he was okay. She said

1:05:19

that likely he's fine, and the

1:05:21

cell towers are probably just jammed.

1:05:24

Which made some sense. She stayed

1:05:26

on the phone with me as I got a

1:05:28

bit closer to Clarksville. This guy seemed

1:05:30

to clear up a bit, which helped to call

1:05:32

my son. As we got into Clarksville, I

1:05:35

tried to call my husband again.

1:05:37

Still nothing. I was on the phone with

1:05:39

my sister, as emergency vehicles went flying

1:05:41

past me in the direction of home

1:05:43

in the post office. Side note, we

1:05:46

lived less than five minutes from the

1:05:48

post office, so I was heading towards

1:05:50

both. I tried to call my husband

1:05:52

again, and again it went a voicemail.

1:05:54

My sister tried to reassure me

1:05:56

that the still towers are probably

1:05:58

just knocked down. hit me that I

1:06:00

was still on the phone with her and I

1:06:03

was only about eight minutes away at

1:06:05

that point. She and I both started

1:06:07

crying. I got to the light before the

1:06:09

light at the post office. My light was

1:06:11

top of the hill, post office was

1:06:13

the bottom, so you could see it,

1:06:15

and I could see emergency vehicles everywhere.

1:06:18

I told my sister I had to go

1:06:20

and then I lost it. I was so

1:06:22

scared that I had just lost my husband.

1:06:24

Remining myself that my son was in

1:06:26

the car. I tried to wipe my

1:06:28

tears away. and I said, let's go

1:06:30

home and make sure the dogs are

1:06:32

okay. I didn't even think about how

1:06:35

our neighborhood had fared. As

1:06:37

I went to pull into

1:06:39

the neighborhood, there are emergency

1:06:41

vehicles all over. We couldn't

1:06:43

get to our house. Panic returned

1:06:45

for both my son and I. We couldn't

1:06:47

get home because of all

1:06:50

the vehicles blocking the streets

1:06:52

and power lines and trees

1:06:54

down. That's when I decided

1:06:56

to... carefully turn around and take

1:06:58

one of the unblocked back streets

1:07:00

back towards the post office. There

1:07:02

was a back entrance to the

1:07:04

sonic on that street, and the

1:07:06

intersection for the post office was

1:07:08

just diagonal from there. I

1:07:10

pulled into the sonic and I parked my

1:07:12

car. I told my son to stay there and

1:07:15

that I would be right back. I wasn't thinking

1:07:17

quite straight, but I told him I

1:07:19

was going to walk across to the post

1:07:21

office and get dad, and I'd be back.

1:07:23

As I started to open the

1:07:25

door, my phone turned. It was

1:07:27

a text from my husband.

1:07:30

He said, I'm okay. Post office

1:07:32

hit. My truck is damaged.

1:07:34

But I'm okay. Calls not going

1:07:36

through. Love you. At that moment, I

1:07:38

could finally breathe. I slowly

1:07:40

made it back into our

1:07:42

neighborhood. Half of which was

1:07:44

destroyed, but by the grace of

1:07:46

God. Our street and our house

1:07:49

was safe. We didn't have power,

1:07:51

but we didn't care. We spend

1:07:53

the next days helping folks in

1:07:55

our neighborhood who lost their homes

1:07:57

in the unexpected EF3 tornado. to

1:08:00

hit Clarksville on December 9th. I'll

1:08:02

never forget how scared I was,

1:08:04

nor how lucky I am, to

1:08:06

have my husband and my kids

1:08:08

safe at home with me.